1 00:00:00,680 --> 00:00:01,720 Oh. 2 00:00:15,080 --> 00:00:18,880 Oh, er, that boiled ham has reached it's sell-by date tomorrow. 3 00:00:18,880 --> 00:00:20,760 CLICK 4 00:00:20,760 --> 00:00:23,520 Hey, did you hear that click? 5 00:00:23,520 --> 00:00:28,040 That's me switching to boiled ham selling mode. 6 00:00:28,040 --> 00:00:29,760 Watch and learn. 7 00:00:29,760 --> 00:00:31,920 Watch and learn. 8 00:00:31,920 --> 00:00:34,160 Oh, good day to you, Mrs Boiled Ham. 9 00:00:37,080 --> 00:00:38,960 Oh, sorry. Kath. 10 00:00:40,240 --> 00:00:41,760 You called me boiled ham. 11 00:00:41,760 --> 00:00:43,520 Yes, I did, didn't I? 12 00:00:43,520 --> 00:00:46,480 Yes. Of course, there's absolutely no resemblance. 13 00:00:48,360 --> 00:00:50,880 It's just it's on me brain. 14 00:00:50,880 --> 00:00:52,840 Been thinking about it all day. 15 00:00:52,840 --> 00:00:57,360 I'm looking forward to having that last slice of delicious... 16 00:00:57,360 --> 00:00:59,520 - Last slice? - Mm. 17 00:00:59,520 --> 00:01:00,760 Oh. 18 00:01:00,760 --> 00:01:02,120 That's a pity. 19 00:01:02,120 --> 00:01:03,800 Eric likes his boiled ham. 20 00:01:03,800 --> 00:01:05,880 Oh, right, keeps him docile, does it? 21 00:01:08,800 --> 00:01:10,400 Are you sure it's the last slice? 22 00:01:10,400 --> 00:01:12,400 Oh, yes, unfortunately. 23 00:01:12,400 --> 00:01:16,200 I'm looking forward to having it with a nice little bit of pickle. 24 00:01:16,200 --> 00:01:17,520 Tough. 25 00:01:39,200 --> 00:01:41,160 HE YAWNS 26 00:01:51,360 --> 00:01:52,600 All right. 27 00:01:52,600 --> 00:01:53,800 TILL RINGS 28 00:01:58,840 --> 00:02:01,360 Now, that one doesn't go in there. Ha-ha! 29 00:02:03,720 --> 00:02:05,920 DOOR OPENS AND CLOSES 30 00:02:07,480 --> 00:02:09,520 You bought too much boiled ham. 31 00:02:09,520 --> 00:02:11,360 That's not the problem. 32 00:02:11,360 --> 00:02:13,480 The problem is we haven't sold enough. 33 00:02:13,480 --> 00:02:16,000 It's like that other daft thing you bought on the internet. 34 00:02:16,000 --> 00:02:18,480 Oh, it wasn't daft, not at the price. 35 00:02:18,480 --> 00:02:20,560 Dr Proctor's Perfect Posture. 36 00:02:20,560 --> 00:02:23,680 Support where you need it, inflatable underwear. 37 00:02:25,360 --> 00:02:27,680 Yes, I've got plans for that. 38 00:02:27,680 --> 00:02:30,000 You're not getting me in it. 39 00:02:30,000 --> 00:02:32,720 It's trying to stop you getting out of your underwear that's 40 00:02:32,720 --> 00:02:34,760 the problem at your age. 41 00:02:34,760 --> 00:02:37,040 DOORBELL RINGS 42 00:02:37,040 --> 00:02:39,560 HE BURPS 43 00:02:39,560 --> 00:02:42,600 - What have you got for...? - Boiled ham. 44 00:02:42,600 --> 00:02:44,280 An upset stomach. 45 00:02:44,280 --> 00:02:45,760 Boiled ham. 46 00:02:45,760 --> 00:02:49,800 It's been known for generations as a cure for upset stomachs. 47 00:02:49,800 --> 00:02:52,240 The Aztecs used to swear by it. 48 00:02:52,240 --> 00:02:54,680 I thought they did human sacrifice. 49 00:02:54,680 --> 00:02:57,480 Oh, yes, that was because they ran out of boiled ham. 50 00:02:59,800 --> 00:03:02,960 What would you like, half a pound or three quarters? 51 00:03:02,960 --> 00:03:04,840 I'll take half a pound. 52 00:03:04,840 --> 00:03:07,240 Oh, half a pound. Oh. 53 00:03:07,240 --> 00:03:09,360 You don't like your dog any more, then? 54 00:03:11,080 --> 00:03:14,000 - All right, three quarters. - Three quarters. Yes. 55 00:03:17,400 --> 00:03:19,720 Why are you standing like that? 56 00:03:19,720 --> 00:03:23,400 - Like what? - Well, like that. You know, like that. 57 00:03:23,400 --> 00:03:24,840 Posture. 58 00:03:24,840 --> 00:03:26,640 Where's your posture, eh? 59 00:03:29,480 --> 00:03:33,080 You're never going to get anywhere with Madge with posture like that. 60 00:03:33,080 --> 00:03:35,120 I always stand like this. 61 00:03:35,120 --> 00:03:36,920 Get ready for changes, Gastric. 62 00:03:39,360 --> 00:03:42,120 How would you like to look two inches taller 63 00:03:42,120 --> 00:03:43,960 and be deadly to women? 64 00:03:48,040 --> 00:03:49,200 I can live with that. 65 00:03:50,400 --> 00:03:51,680 I told you. 66 00:03:53,120 --> 00:03:56,600 Go. Go out there and release your inner beast. 67 00:04:00,000 --> 00:04:02,200 What do we need from the shop? 68 00:04:02,200 --> 00:04:05,760 Oh, I thought I'd just say good morning, blush a bit, 69 00:04:05,760 --> 00:04:08,120 prod one of his teacakes. 70 00:04:08,120 --> 00:04:10,000 It's called being human. 71 00:04:10,000 --> 00:04:13,520 I can't stand the sight of you making eyes at each other. 72 00:04:13,520 --> 00:04:15,760 You're going to grow old and bitter. 73 00:04:15,760 --> 00:04:17,480 You'll frighten cuddly toys. 74 00:04:21,840 --> 00:04:23,640 Rawr! 75 00:04:35,960 --> 00:04:38,000 Right, there we go Mr, er...? 76 00:04:38,000 --> 00:04:41,440 - Newbold. - Newbold. There's your boiled ham. 77 00:04:41,440 --> 00:04:43,520 But I usually have corned beef. 78 00:04:43,520 --> 00:04:46,320 Oh, we are creatures of habit, aren't we, eh? 79 00:04:46,320 --> 00:04:49,040 I tell you what. Why don't I cut you three or four slices 80 00:04:49,040 --> 00:04:51,040 of corned beef as well, hm? 81 00:04:51,040 --> 00:04:53,080 Oh, no, no, no. I couldn't get through both. 82 00:04:53,080 --> 00:04:55,080 I live alone, you know? 83 00:04:55,080 --> 00:04:57,640 You're never alone with boiled ham. 84 00:05:00,440 --> 00:05:01,760 No Mr, er... 85 00:05:01,760 --> 00:05:03,400 - Newbold. - Newbold, yes. 86 00:05:03,400 --> 00:05:05,280 Do you know that research has shown 87 00:05:05,280 --> 00:05:08,400 that regular eaters of boiled ham 88 00:05:08,400 --> 00:05:11,680 are 7.5% more likely to find 89 00:05:11,680 --> 00:05:13,920 a suitable relationship? 90 00:05:13,920 --> 00:05:15,680 DOORBELL RINGS 91 00:05:15,680 --> 00:05:17,440 - There. Thank you. - Oh! 92 00:05:17,440 --> 00:05:21,760 Who can this be, in a collar and tie and nicely polished shoes? 93 00:05:23,600 --> 00:05:27,160 Oh, Mrs Featherstone. This is Mr, er.... 94 00:05:27,160 --> 00:05:30,520 - Newbold. - Newbold and he comes from Crawford Street. 95 00:05:30,520 --> 00:05:35,720 Oh! Well, we're practically neighbours, Mr Newbold. 96 00:05:35,720 --> 00:05:37,080 I know it's none of my business, 97 00:05:37,080 --> 00:05:40,080 but would there be a Mrs Newbold at that address? 98 00:05:41,800 --> 00:05:44,360 Not for many a year. I'm on my own. 99 00:05:44,360 --> 00:05:46,920 Oh, courage, Mr Newbold. 100 00:05:46,920 --> 00:05:49,200 Relief could be just around the corner. 101 00:05:56,600 --> 00:05:58,360 In Denton Street, actually. 102 00:06:01,320 --> 00:06:04,400 Oh, see him scurrying off. I know the type. 103 00:06:04,400 --> 00:06:06,400 He's mine if I turn the pressure up. 104 00:06:07,600 --> 00:06:10,600 You should snatch me while I'm still available, Granville. 105 00:06:10,600 --> 00:06:12,520 Ow! 106 00:06:12,520 --> 00:06:15,960 This place could do with a woman's touch. 107 00:06:15,960 --> 00:06:17,480 Imagine this vision... 108 00:06:18,880 --> 00:06:22,240 Delphine Featherstone is magnificent in nightwear. 109 00:06:28,440 --> 00:06:30,320 What are you seeing, Granville? 110 00:06:34,120 --> 00:06:35,320 Boiled ham. 111 00:06:44,160 --> 00:06:45,240 Oh. 112 00:06:48,040 --> 00:06:49,360 50%? 113 00:06:49,360 --> 00:06:51,120 Shh. Keep your voice down. 114 00:06:51,120 --> 00:06:53,480 Arkwright, he'll be listening. 115 00:06:53,480 --> 00:06:56,240 I was up all night arguing with him. 116 00:06:56,240 --> 00:06:58,680 How can you argue with the departed? 117 00:06:58,680 --> 00:07:02,600 At 50% off, he comes back quite readily. 118 00:07:02,600 --> 00:07:04,160 You'll never go through with it. 119 00:07:04,160 --> 00:07:05,800 You'll come out in spots or something. 120 00:07:05,800 --> 00:07:07,720 Half price is against your nature. 121 00:07:07,720 --> 00:07:10,720 Look, we've got to get rid of some of this old clutter 122 00:07:10,720 --> 00:07:13,120 to make room for some new clutter. 123 00:07:13,120 --> 00:07:14,720 Er, stock. I meant stock. 124 00:07:17,520 --> 00:07:19,480 There he is again, look. 125 00:07:19,480 --> 00:07:21,080 He was there yesterday. 126 00:07:22,280 --> 00:07:24,280 What have you been doing? 127 00:07:24,280 --> 00:07:25,640 Why me? 128 00:07:25,640 --> 00:07:27,800 Because he could be an angry father. 129 00:07:27,800 --> 00:07:30,360 - Have you been fooling about with his daughter? - No. 130 00:07:32,800 --> 00:07:34,240 Anyway, 131 00:07:34,240 --> 00:07:36,040 looks more like a grandfather. 132 00:07:41,000 --> 00:07:42,120 Oi! 133 00:07:51,280 --> 00:07:53,720 CAR HORN BEEPS 134 00:07:53,720 --> 00:07:56,720 It's you, isn't it? Nurse Gladys Emmanuel. 135 00:07:56,720 --> 00:07:58,600 I've been looking all over for you. 136 00:07:58,600 --> 00:08:00,160 Move along, please. 137 00:08:00,160 --> 00:08:01,560 You remember me. 138 00:08:01,560 --> 00:08:02,680 Michael. 139 00:08:07,000 --> 00:08:08,280 No. 140 00:08:08,280 --> 00:08:09,520 You squeezed my boil. 141 00:08:11,000 --> 00:08:15,600 Move along, please, and go and be insane somewhere else. 142 00:08:15,600 --> 00:08:17,880 That's it. That's just how you were. 143 00:08:17,880 --> 00:08:20,640 Tough as old boots, straight in, no nonsense. 144 00:08:20,640 --> 00:08:21,680 I love it. 145 00:08:24,880 --> 00:08:26,080 Move it. 146 00:08:26,080 --> 00:08:27,280 Ha-ha! That's my girl. 147 00:08:27,280 --> 00:08:29,200 Not changed a bit. I love it! 148 00:08:29,200 --> 00:08:30,480 I'll be back. 149 00:08:32,240 --> 00:08:33,600 Oh, goodie. 150 00:08:52,680 --> 00:08:54,360 HE WHISTLES 151 00:08:57,720 --> 00:08:59,280 BELL RINGS 152 00:08:59,280 --> 00:09:00,760 Oh. 153 00:09:00,760 --> 00:09:02,640 Can you quieten that bell? 154 00:09:02,640 --> 00:09:04,440 Come in, Cyril, it won't bite you. 155 00:09:06,000 --> 00:09:07,920 You're not going to die are you? 156 00:09:07,920 --> 00:09:10,880 I don't allow dying on the premises, you know? 157 00:09:10,880 --> 00:09:12,520 I can't make any promises... 158 00:09:12,520 --> 00:09:15,400 - Oh? - ..unless you've got a cure. 159 00:09:15,400 --> 00:09:19,920 What have you got for the world's worst headache? 160 00:09:19,920 --> 00:09:21,880 World's worst headache? 161 00:09:21,880 --> 00:09:23,040 Boiled ham. 162 00:09:25,040 --> 00:09:27,800 I don't want to eat. I may never eat again. 163 00:09:27,800 --> 00:09:30,560 Oh, it's not for eating. It's for wearing. 164 00:09:30,560 --> 00:09:32,960 Run that past me again. 165 00:09:32,960 --> 00:09:35,240 Did you say "wearing"? 166 00:09:35,240 --> 00:09:36,640 Yes, wearing. 167 00:09:36,640 --> 00:09:37,920 Boiled ham? 168 00:09:37,920 --> 00:09:41,480 You didn't think that boiled ham was just for eating, did you? 169 00:09:41,480 --> 00:09:43,680 I've never heard of it as a cure for headaches. 170 00:09:43,680 --> 00:09:45,920 Oh, yes, yes. It's a well-known fact. 171 00:09:45,920 --> 00:09:47,640 How come I've never heard of it? 172 00:09:47,640 --> 00:09:51,400 Well, you probably were too engrossed in world affairs 173 00:09:51,400 --> 00:09:53,720 and serious philosophical matters. 174 00:09:55,520 --> 00:09:58,360 Yeah, yeah, yeah. That could be it, yeah, yeah. 175 00:09:59,360 --> 00:10:00,680 World matters. 176 00:10:04,160 --> 00:10:06,520 Stand there, Mr Newbold, out of the draught. 177 00:10:09,680 --> 00:10:12,400 This is Leroy, who assists here 178 00:10:12,400 --> 00:10:14,880 when he's not in the hands of various moppets 179 00:10:14,880 --> 00:10:16,720 training to be single parents. 180 00:10:16,720 --> 00:10:18,560 Good day, Mrs Featherstone. 181 00:10:18,560 --> 00:10:22,240 And this is Mr Newbold, who we've decided needs to take more exercise. 182 00:10:22,240 --> 00:10:24,120 Is that not so, Mr Newbold? 183 00:10:24,120 --> 00:10:26,480 Bring the colour back into those cheeks. 184 00:10:26,480 --> 00:10:29,000 And good day to you, Mr Newbold. 185 00:10:29,000 --> 00:10:32,160 You might mention to Granville that I was passing, Leroy, 186 00:10:32,160 --> 00:10:33,640 in the company of Mr Newbold. 187 00:10:33,640 --> 00:10:35,480 I was going to watch the cricket. 188 00:10:35,480 --> 00:10:37,160 Ooh, I had a husband did that. 189 00:10:37,160 --> 00:10:38,960 He's been dead these many innings. 190 00:10:38,960 --> 00:10:40,400 Not good odds, Mr Newbold. 191 00:10:48,160 --> 00:10:51,960 First of all, you put a slice of boiled ham, right? 192 00:10:51,960 --> 00:10:54,960 One slice. Two if the pain is severe. 193 00:10:54,960 --> 00:11:00,240 - It is, it is. It is severe and I'm from a warrior race. - Yes. 194 00:11:00,240 --> 00:11:03,120 And then you fold it in a piece of, er, 195 00:11:03,120 --> 00:11:06,320 grease-proof paper, like thus. 196 00:11:10,560 --> 00:11:12,000 And then 197 00:11:12,000 --> 00:11:13,960 you place it inside your hat. 198 00:11:15,000 --> 00:11:17,320 Boiled ham in your hat? 199 00:11:19,320 --> 00:11:21,080 Wait a minute. 200 00:11:21,080 --> 00:11:23,560 I may be inches away from death, 201 00:11:23,560 --> 00:11:25,200 but I'm not falling for that. 202 00:11:27,200 --> 00:11:30,000 Let me refresh your vision, here. 203 00:11:30,000 --> 00:11:32,320 Now, you've seen the television, haven't you, 204 00:11:32,320 --> 00:11:36,400 all about them distant lands, great mountain ranges? 205 00:11:36,400 --> 00:11:37,600 Done that, seen it. 206 00:11:37,600 --> 00:11:39,120 Right, OK. 207 00:11:39,120 --> 00:11:41,880 Remote South America... 208 00:11:41,880 --> 00:11:43,560 I know where you're coming from. 209 00:11:43,560 --> 00:11:45,480 Mm. The high Andes, 210 00:11:45,480 --> 00:11:48,520 all those colourful natives, all wearing hats 211 00:11:48,520 --> 00:11:50,680 very similar to yours. 212 00:11:50,680 --> 00:11:52,040 Even the ladies. 213 00:11:54,200 --> 00:11:58,640 I seen it on the telly, but what point are we making here? 214 00:11:58,640 --> 00:12:02,600 Did you ever stop to think why so many hats? 215 00:12:02,600 --> 00:12:06,360 Why do people who live in mountains wear hats? 216 00:12:06,360 --> 00:12:09,360 You've probably got a branch out there selling hats. 217 00:12:09,360 --> 00:12:11,320 It is the altitude. 218 00:12:11,320 --> 00:12:13,200 It's the thinness of the air. 219 00:12:14,520 --> 00:12:17,080 Oxygen deprivation. 220 00:12:17,080 --> 00:12:21,240 It gives them all these nasty headaches unless... 221 00:12:24,920 --> 00:12:27,720 You're telling me that all the natives 222 00:12:27,720 --> 00:12:30,040 are wearing boiled ham in their hats? 223 00:12:31,560 --> 00:12:33,200 Even the vegetarians. 224 00:12:41,520 --> 00:12:43,480 Go in peace, my son, free of pain. 225 00:12:46,600 --> 00:12:48,080 £3.50. 226 00:12:54,560 --> 00:12:57,120 Nice bit of boiled ham, was that. 227 00:12:57,120 --> 00:12:58,360 It was the last slice. 228 00:13:00,080 --> 00:13:02,280 Before I go back to work, 229 00:13:02,280 --> 00:13:04,960 do you realise we might just have time 230 00:13:04,960 --> 00:13:07,480 to recapture the magic of our honeymoon? 231 00:13:11,720 --> 00:13:13,400 Magic? 232 00:13:13,400 --> 00:13:15,160 You got sunburn. 233 00:13:15,160 --> 00:13:18,160 You ended up looking like a big hot raspberry ripple. 234 00:13:18,160 --> 00:13:19,880 And it's been cool ever since. 235 00:13:21,160 --> 00:13:23,680 You're wasting our best years. 236 00:13:23,680 --> 00:13:26,200 I shan't always be virile and magnetic. 237 00:13:27,440 --> 00:13:29,880 Eric, you work behind a desk. 238 00:13:29,880 --> 00:13:32,360 You're hardly Captain Midnight. 239 00:13:32,360 --> 00:13:35,560 Sometimes I'd like to come home and find you all 240 00:13:35,560 --> 00:13:37,360 made up and... 241 00:13:37,360 --> 00:13:38,480 seductive. 242 00:13:40,960 --> 00:13:44,720 You're in insurance. Where do you come up with fantasies like that? 243 00:13:50,400 --> 00:13:52,240 Will you stop taking stuff off that table? 244 00:13:52,240 --> 00:13:54,120 You're supposed to be selling it. 245 00:13:54,120 --> 00:13:57,360 I can't let these go, you know, not at that price. 246 00:13:57,360 --> 00:13:58,760 I told you you'd come out in spots 247 00:13:58,760 --> 00:14:00,840 and I bet you they're all over your back pocket, 248 00:14:00,840 --> 00:14:02,360 where you keep that wodge of money. 249 00:14:02,360 --> 00:14:03,840 Hey! Shh! 250 00:14:03,840 --> 00:14:06,080 That's classified information, that. 251 00:14:07,520 --> 00:14:10,960 Anyway, what is the point of having a jumbo, 252 00:14:10,960 --> 00:14:13,120 "everything must go" sale 253 00:14:13,120 --> 00:14:15,880 if nobody has heard about it, right? 254 00:14:15,880 --> 00:14:20,240 So, I want you to take to the streets, my son, 255 00:14:20,240 --> 00:14:22,640 and wake them all up. 256 00:14:22,640 --> 00:14:26,080 I hate going out in this thing. It's embarrassing. 257 00:14:26,080 --> 00:14:28,480 It's not compatible with my image. 258 00:14:28,480 --> 00:14:30,040 Oh, really? 259 00:14:30,040 --> 00:14:32,520 This is an iconic vehicle. 260 00:14:33,800 --> 00:14:38,000 You will be taking Arkwright's to a wider world. 261 00:14:38,000 --> 00:14:42,640 You will be penetrating areas where no Arkwright has been before. 262 00:14:44,600 --> 00:14:49,120 Though I sometimes wonder whether it was true about him and Mrs Battersby. 263 00:14:50,240 --> 00:14:51,560 Mm? 264 00:14:51,560 --> 00:14:53,440 He reduced her eggs. 265 00:14:54,920 --> 00:14:56,120 BELL RINGS 266 00:14:56,120 --> 00:14:58,560 All right, you stay there. I'll go. 267 00:15:01,600 --> 00:15:04,400 - Hello, Granville. - Hello, Mavis. 268 00:15:06,080 --> 00:15:10,600 I love the way you say "hello". It just gently strokes the ear. 269 00:15:12,600 --> 00:15:15,480 Oh, I've forgotten what I've come for now. 270 00:15:15,480 --> 00:15:17,240 Boiled ham. 271 00:15:19,400 --> 00:15:21,960 No, no. Sorry, sorry. I didn't mean that. 272 00:15:21,960 --> 00:15:24,440 You get a free pass, don't you? 273 00:15:24,440 --> 00:15:26,040 I don't think it was boiled ham. 274 00:15:26,040 --> 00:15:28,240 No, no. No, you didn't. It was just me. 275 00:15:28,240 --> 00:15:30,800 I just... A slip of the overzealous tongue. 276 00:15:30,800 --> 00:15:32,800 I don't think it was tongue, either. 277 00:15:34,080 --> 00:15:37,800 What are you doing for St Darren's Day? 278 00:15:37,800 --> 00:15:39,160 When would that be? 279 00:15:39,160 --> 00:15:41,680 Well, it's today, funnily enough. 280 00:15:41,680 --> 00:15:45,080 It's the day when ladies wear a flower in their hair 281 00:15:45,080 --> 00:15:49,640 and they place it in a vase in the best bedroom of their loved ones. 282 00:15:49,640 --> 00:15:51,520 I bet you've not even got a vase. 283 00:15:59,960 --> 00:16:02,760 Now, you used to be a medical person. 284 00:16:02,760 --> 00:16:05,760 Now tell me, what do you think of his posture? 285 00:16:06,760 --> 00:16:08,640 I'd say it's, erm, 286 00:16:08,640 --> 00:16:11,480 relaxed, borderline sloppy. 287 00:16:11,480 --> 00:16:13,440 Relaxed. That's very me. 288 00:16:13,440 --> 00:16:15,800 You go with what you're comfy with. 289 00:16:15,800 --> 00:16:18,480 All right, all right. Let's forget the medical viewpoint. 290 00:16:18,480 --> 00:16:20,920 Now, what do you think of him as like, you know, 291 00:16:20,920 --> 00:16:23,120 man to woman, 292 00:16:23,120 --> 00:16:25,600 potential lover? 293 00:16:25,600 --> 00:16:28,960 I'm not here to be a fantasy figure for the ladies. 294 00:16:28,960 --> 00:16:32,000 I wouldn't worry. Some of us can handle the impact. 295 00:16:33,840 --> 00:16:37,280 You could double your impact if you got your posture right. 296 00:16:37,280 --> 00:16:38,840 Double? 297 00:16:38,840 --> 00:16:42,440 Yeah, treble, if you wore the right support. 298 00:16:44,520 --> 00:16:47,680 Oh, er, Nurse Gladys, your cheese. 299 00:16:47,680 --> 00:16:50,680 Are you sure you didn't mention boiled ham? 300 00:16:50,680 --> 00:16:53,720 You're the only one who keeps mentioning boiled ham. 301 00:16:56,880 --> 00:16:58,520 DOORBELL RINGS 302 00:16:58,520 --> 00:17:02,440 Right, stand there, Mr Newbold, and find your list for Granville. 303 00:17:02,440 --> 00:17:05,680 Mr Newbold is living just round the corner from me, 304 00:17:05,680 --> 00:17:07,840 in a female-free zone. 305 00:17:07,840 --> 00:17:11,600 Imagine, a widower in suit and tie, 306 00:17:11,600 --> 00:17:15,240 all alone with his microwave and his basic laundry. 307 00:17:17,360 --> 00:17:18,760 Brings a tear, don't it? 308 00:17:18,760 --> 00:17:20,320 Mm, it did to me. 309 00:17:20,320 --> 00:17:22,280 Apparently, his daughter is some 310 00:17:22,280 --> 00:17:25,040 sort of groupie for the Hebden Colliery Band. 311 00:17:26,760 --> 00:17:29,520 He only sees her if someone needs a new trumpet. 312 00:17:31,960 --> 00:17:33,840 Well, he's worth a few bob, then, is he? 313 00:17:33,840 --> 00:17:35,760 Oh, yes, in the building society, 314 00:17:35,760 --> 00:17:37,800 aside from his ISAs. 315 00:17:37,800 --> 00:17:39,280 Oh. 316 00:17:39,280 --> 00:17:41,880 In future, I think we'll keep it in here. 317 00:17:42,920 --> 00:17:45,720 Now, perhaps you left it on the table 318 00:17:45,720 --> 00:17:49,400 when I said, "Have you got your list? Don't leave it on the table." 319 00:17:49,400 --> 00:17:51,320 - It's here. - Ah. 320 00:17:51,320 --> 00:17:52,680 That's a relief. 321 00:17:52,680 --> 00:17:55,560 I thought she were going to execute you on the spot. 322 00:17:56,760 --> 00:17:57,880 Me, too. 323 00:18:00,080 --> 00:18:01,600 Oh. 324 00:18:01,600 --> 00:18:05,720 Oh, you appear to have a stain on your tie, Mr Newbold. 325 00:18:06,880 --> 00:18:09,320 Are we being too casual with our custard? 326 00:18:10,920 --> 00:18:12,400 More likely porridge. 327 00:18:12,400 --> 00:18:14,000 Oh, that sounds healthier. 328 00:18:16,480 --> 00:18:19,280 He wears a tie at breakfast. 329 00:18:19,280 --> 00:18:21,360 Are we being gentrified, Granville? 330 00:18:21,360 --> 00:18:23,480 Is this the beginning? 331 00:18:23,480 --> 00:18:25,440 Well, I wear a tie for breakfast. 332 00:18:25,440 --> 00:18:28,080 Oh, you must allow me to witness that. 333 00:18:29,760 --> 00:18:32,440 Yes, well, it doesn't get stained with porridge, 334 00:18:32,440 --> 00:18:35,760 but you'd be surprised how a shopkeeper gets splashed 335 00:18:35,760 --> 00:18:37,960 during the course of a day. 336 00:18:37,960 --> 00:18:40,040 But what about the night, Granville? 337 00:18:41,280 --> 00:18:44,040 Well, if you want a good splash, you've got my number. 338 00:18:52,840 --> 00:18:55,280 Yes, I've got your number, Mrs Featherstone. 339 00:19:01,160 --> 00:19:03,000 Everything must go! 340 00:19:03,000 --> 00:19:06,120 - DOGS BARK AND WHINE - The Arkwright jumble sale! 341 00:19:06,120 --> 00:19:08,800 - Oi! Come back! - Sorry! 342 00:19:08,800 --> 00:19:11,200 Right, move it, Cindy. Come on, give it some clog. 343 00:19:14,680 --> 00:19:15,880 Oh. 344 00:19:15,880 --> 00:19:17,840 I'm sorry, but who is this? 345 00:19:17,840 --> 00:19:19,240 I've no idea. 346 00:19:19,240 --> 00:19:22,280 Oh, you can't have forgotten. It's Mike. Mick! 347 00:19:22,280 --> 00:19:24,120 Mr Stillworth. 348 00:19:24,120 --> 00:19:25,960 I asked you to marry me. 349 00:19:25,960 --> 00:19:29,000 I remember you now. You were drunk. 350 00:19:29,000 --> 00:19:33,040 Oh, you don't think I'm having a boil squeezed without an anaesthetic. 351 00:19:34,560 --> 00:19:36,040 Goodbye, Mr Stillworth. 352 00:19:36,040 --> 00:19:38,080 Call me Mick. I'm sober now. 353 00:19:38,080 --> 00:19:39,480 Ha! 354 00:19:40,840 --> 00:19:43,280 What can I get her? What does she like? 355 00:19:49,480 --> 00:19:50,840 Boiled ham? 356 00:20:00,840 --> 00:20:02,240 Everything must go? 357 00:20:03,280 --> 00:20:05,000 It's nearly gone. 358 00:20:05,000 --> 00:20:07,480 I wish I could say the same for your Madge. 359 00:20:10,000 --> 00:20:12,960 She's better for knowing. 360 00:20:12,960 --> 00:20:14,080 Or maybe not. 361 00:20:15,240 --> 00:20:17,640 Do you think you'll ever get on, you two? 362 00:20:17,640 --> 00:20:22,080 We'll just have to convince her of the benefits of Gastric. 363 00:20:22,080 --> 00:20:25,680 You'll have to remind me. What are the benefits of Gastric? 364 00:20:26,840 --> 00:20:30,720 Mind you, they do say that he's handy round the house. 365 00:20:33,520 --> 00:20:36,320 Not much use if he never gets in the house. 366 00:20:36,320 --> 00:20:37,640 I know the feeling. 367 00:20:37,640 --> 00:20:39,920 I never get inside your house. 368 00:20:39,920 --> 00:20:42,720 She does go out sometimes, when she's doing hair. 369 00:20:43,880 --> 00:20:45,760 You could come for a coffee. 370 00:20:45,760 --> 00:20:47,520 Oh, unless you'd rather have tea? 371 00:20:47,520 --> 00:20:50,840 No, no, tea or coffee, I don't mind, no. 372 00:20:50,840 --> 00:20:53,080 Well, now I shan't know which to offer you. 373 00:20:53,080 --> 00:20:54,600 All right, coffee. 374 00:20:54,600 --> 00:20:58,280 She could style his hair. That's a start. 375 00:20:58,280 --> 00:20:59,440 Has he got any hair? 376 00:21:02,360 --> 00:21:03,680 There's always a snag. 377 00:21:05,760 --> 00:21:08,320 How will I know when she's gone out? 378 00:21:08,320 --> 00:21:10,840 You'll just have to hope for a sign, 379 00:21:10,840 --> 00:21:13,320 like St Darren's Day, 380 00:21:13,320 --> 00:21:18,320 when ladies wear a flower in their hair. 381 00:21:18,320 --> 00:21:19,360 Oh. 382 00:21:26,120 --> 00:21:27,160 Sorry. 383 00:21:27,160 --> 00:21:28,400 Don't... Don't be. 384 00:21:36,240 --> 00:21:38,760 Ooh, right. I can't stay here all day. 385 00:21:38,760 --> 00:21:40,480 I'll fetch sandwiches. 386 00:21:40,480 --> 00:21:42,120 I'm supposed to be out advertising. 387 00:21:42,120 --> 00:21:43,800 We can do that later. 388 00:21:43,800 --> 00:21:45,840 I don't like you being unfaithful. 389 00:21:45,840 --> 00:21:47,880 Leroy, I've never been unfaithful to you. 390 00:21:47,880 --> 00:21:50,680 - Not to me, to your boyfriend. - Oh, him. 391 00:21:53,240 --> 00:21:55,160 Oh. Ooh! 392 00:21:55,160 --> 00:21:57,880 This underwear feels funny. 393 00:21:57,880 --> 00:21:59,640 Yes, well, it's, er, 394 00:21:59,640 --> 00:22:02,280 not yet adjusted to your shape, is it? 395 00:22:02,280 --> 00:22:04,920 - Well, when I get the perfect posture... - Mm? 396 00:22:04,920 --> 00:22:07,760 - ..what am I supposed to do with it? - Well, you're going to go out there 397 00:22:07,760 --> 00:22:09,640 and parade it in front of Madge, 398 00:22:09,640 --> 00:22:12,920 just to prove that you're not always looking like something 399 00:22:12,920 --> 00:22:15,040 that's been put out for recycling. 400 00:22:18,000 --> 00:22:21,320 You find a style that suits you and you stay with that. 401 00:22:22,920 --> 00:22:25,240 And you're going to have to get a haircut. 402 00:22:27,960 --> 00:22:29,440 - Are you sure? - Yes. 403 00:22:29,440 --> 00:22:32,760 You've got to let Madge play with it, you see, 404 00:22:32,760 --> 00:22:36,960 so that you can reel her in with some... 405 00:22:36,960 --> 00:22:38,400 snappy conversation. 406 00:22:38,400 --> 00:22:41,440 DOORBELL RINGS 407 00:22:41,440 --> 00:22:43,320 Ay up. It works. 408 00:22:43,320 --> 00:22:46,960 Ah, Cyril. Come in. Your hat's in, why don't you follow it? 409 00:22:46,960 --> 00:22:49,480 I'm not shopping. 410 00:22:49,480 --> 00:22:52,320 I thought I'd pop in and say it works. 411 00:22:52,320 --> 00:22:53,840 No more headaches? 412 00:22:53,840 --> 00:22:56,480 Gone. I feel like a two-year-old. 413 00:22:56,480 --> 00:22:58,880 Ha, the Aztec cure. 414 00:22:58,880 --> 00:23:02,800 I can't believe it. I mean, boiled ham in your hat. 415 00:23:02,800 --> 00:23:04,240 In your hat? 416 00:23:04,240 --> 00:23:06,320 I recommend it. It works. 417 00:23:06,320 --> 00:23:08,280 And no side effects? 418 00:23:08,280 --> 00:23:10,200 I wouldn't say no side effects. 419 00:23:17,600 --> 00:23:19,360 I once treated his boil. 420 00:23:19,360 --> 00:23:23,440 Mm. Just goes to show, you daren't handle them casually, 421 00:23:23,440 --> 00:23:26,040 even for medicinal purposes. 422 00:23:26,040 --> 00:23:27,360 A boil? 423 00:23:27,360 --> 00:23:30,680 Bit slim as grounds for a relationship. 424 00:23:30,680 --> 00:23:32,080 Tell me about it. 425 00:23:32,080 --> 00:23:35,000 He builds all this on a boil. 426 00:23:35,000 --> 00:23:37,080 It's a good job I never handled his broken leg. 427 00:23:37,080 --> 00:23:39,840 Oh, you have to feel sorry for him if he had a broken leg. 428 00:23:39,840 --> 00:23:42,160 Oh, he didn't have a broken leg. 429 00:23:42,160 --> 00:23:45,240 Nurse was speaking hypothetically. 430 00:23:45,240 --> 00:23:47,160 Oh, that was my first thought, 431 00:23:47,160 --> 00:23:49,280 but then I decided, no, she can't be. 432 00:23:55,240 --> 00:23:58,040 Well, I suppose you could take the view that a boil being 433 00:23:58,040 --> 00:24:00,640 interested in you is better than nothing. 434 00:24:00,640 --> 00:24:05,200 Boil, something red and angry, that's a pain. 435 00:24:05,200 --> 00:24:06,520 I think I married one. 436 00:24:06,520 --> 00:24:08,280 Oh, she doesn't mean that. 437 00:24:08,280 --> 00:24:11,000 - I do on Mondays. - Why Mondays? 438 00:24:11,000 --> 00:24:13,560 Well, I've usually ruined his weekend by then 439 00:24:13,560 --> 00:24:15,400 and he's in a foul mood. 440 00:24:15,400 --> 00:24:17,440 They can be tricky at weekends. 441 00:24:17,440 --> 00:24:19,320 The answer is long walks. 442 00:24:19,320 --> 00:24:21,400 Oh, I don't see you as a hiker. 443 00:24:21,400 --> 00:24:23,200 Not me, them. 444 00:24:23,200 --> 00:24:26,760 If you pick the right route, they come home shattered and very little trouble. 445 00:24:28,320 --> 00:24:31,240 How can they expect you to remember a boil? 446 00:24:31,240 --> 00:24:33,600 I wish I had a penny for every boil. 447 00:24:33,600 --> 00:24:36,040 I was sure somebody said he had a broken leg. 448 00:24:40,040 --> 00:24:41,920 I know they no longer promise to obey, 449 00:24:41,920 --> 00:24:44,520 but where does it say they have to be in charge? 450 00:24:46,200 --> 00:24:47,760 Right, stand straight. 451 00:24:47,760 --> 00:24:49,240 I'm standing straight. 452 00:24:49,240 --> 00:24:51,840 It's this underwear that's slouching. 453 00:24:51,840 --> 00:24:54,000 Ha-ha. Not for long. 454 00:24:54,000 --> 00:24:57,280 - Right. - To be honest, I'm a pussy. 455 00:24:57,280 --> 00:25:00,120 Sometimes I think I ought to be more... 456 00:25:00,120 --> 00:25:01,880 assertive. 457 00:25:01,880 --> 00:25:03,200 So, why don't you? 458 00:25:03,200 --> 00:25:04,760 Because the last time I tried it, 459 00:25:04,760 --> 00:25:06,960 it was a fortnight before I could sit comfortably. 460 00:25:12,400 --> 00:25:15,200 What's he got up there that needs inflating? 461 00:25:16,880 --> 00:25:18,520 I were wondering that. 462 00:25:22,440 --> 00:25:25,320 Just squeeze your nose if your ears start to pop. 463 00:25:27,200 --> 00:25:28,680 Oh, it's moving. 464 00:25:31,000 --> 00:25:33,160 I can't be doing with wandering underwear. 465 00:25:34,480 --> 00:25:36,920 This was Errol Flynn's secret, you know? 466 00:25:38,600 --> 00:25:42,240 He never went anywhere without first inflating his underwear. 467 00:25:45,360 --> 00:25:46,680 Ah! 468 00:25:50,680 --> 00:25:52,080 Oh! 469 00:25:52,080 --> 00:25:54,840 Can you be strangled below the waist? 470 00:25:54,840 --> 00:25:56,240 Not round here. 471 00:25:59,200 --> 00:26:00,280 There! 472 00:26:01,840 --> 00:26:02,880 Ah! 473 00:26:06,000 --> 00:26:08,160 The perfect posture. 474 00:26:09,360 --> 00:26:11,920 Right, now go out there 475 00:26:11,920 --> 00:26:14,440 and impose yourself upon Madge. 476 00:26:16,840 --> 00:26:18,400 RUBBER CREAKS 477 00:26:31,320 --> 00:26:33,920 Go on. Go get her, tiger. 478 00:26:33,920 --> 00:26:36,080 Go on, off you go. 479 00:26:37,160 --> 00:26:39,040 RUBBER CREAKS 480 00:26:42,320 --> 00:26:45,160 I think you've put too much wind up him. 481 00:26:45,160 --> 00:26:47,840 If his underwear explodes now, those ladies 482 00:26:47,840 --> 00:26:50,280 are not going to know where to look. 483 00:26:50,280 --> 00:26:51,960 RUBBER CREAKS 484 00:26:51,960 --> 00:26:54,720 How you doing, Madge? How you been keeping? 485 00:26:54,720 --> 00:26:57,280 Thought I'd just pop over and say hello, 486 00:26:57,280 --> 00:26:58,320 as you do. 487 00:27:00,960 --> 00:27:03,440 WHISTLING AS AIR ESCAPES 488 00:27:07,400 --> 00:27:09,880 UNDERWEAR DEFLATES 489 00:27:09,880 --> 00:27:12,960 I saw you talking. I thought I'd just say, "Hi." Ha-ha. 490 00:27:16,200 --> 00:27:18,280 UNDERWEAR DEFLATES 491 00:27:18,280 --> 00:27:19,560 You'll have to excuse me. 492 00:27:19,560 --> 00:27:21,520 I think my underwear's going down. 493 00:27:25,360 --> 00:27:27,800 AIR ESCAPES LOUDLY 494 00:27:27,800 --> 00:27:29,600 - Come on. - Hurry up. - Get these off! 495 00:27:32,800 --> 00:27:35,240 Why did you do that, you fool? 496 00:27:39,840 --> 00:27:43,840 'I'm sure there was more air coming out of Gastric than I put in. 497 00:27:45,040 --> 00:27:48,160 'Oh, well, at least we shifted some boiled ham.' 498 00:27:53,600 --> 00:27:55,600 Have you seen a dog with a hat? 499 00:27:55,600 --> 00:27:57,000 He went that way. 500 00:28:10,600 --> 00:28:13,240 Is that you wearing a flower, Mavis? 501 00:28:13,240 --> 00:28:15,240 Happy St Darren's Day, Granville. 502 00:28:17,520 --> 00:28:18,800 Coffee time. Ho-ho. 503 00:28:20,240 --> 00:28:22,320 Keep cool, Granville.