1 00:00:08,440 --> 00:00:10,960 Well, Leroy, what do you see? 2 00:00:10,960 --> 00:00:15,280 You, rubbing your hands together like some old money grabber. 3 00:00:15,280 --> 00:00:18,000 Less of the "old". 4 00:00:18,000 --> 00:00:19,800 Anyway, rubbing your hands together 5 00:00:19,800 --> 00:00:24,040 is a grocer's ancient spiritual practice. 6 00:00:24,040 --> 00:00:25,840 Spiritual? 7 00:00:25,840 --> 00:00:29,200 Yes, it's the small shopkeeper's form of yoga. 8 00:00:29,200 --> 00:00:32,960 I learnt that from the "ma-ma-ma" master. 9 00:00:32,960 --> 00:00:36,960 You know, there are some experts who can rub their way 10 00:00:36,960 --> 00:00:40,240 to a transcendental state of pure avarice. 11 00:00:41,360 --> 00:00:42,520 Ooh! 12 00:00:42,520 --> 00:00:45,000 - Don't you have to sit cross-legged? - Mm? - Mm? 13 00:00:45,000 --> 00:00:46,200 Oh, yes, sometimes - 14 00:00:46,200 --> 00:00:48,680 as long as you're not near the bacon slicer. 15 00:01:08,080 --> 00:01:09,480 HE SNIFFS 16 00:01:19,280 --> 00:01:20,920 Wait for it, will you? 17 00:01:20,920 --> 00:01:22,040 BELL CHIMES 18 00:01:22,040 --> 00:01:23,920 Oh! 19 00:01:23,920 --> 00:01:25,720 You're early, Mr Newbold. 20 00:01:25,720 --> 00:01:29,520 Oh, you have to be, if you want to get here on your own, 21 00:01:29,520 --> 00:01:31,240 unaccompanied... 22 00:01:31,240 --> 00:01:33,040 - free. - Heh! 23 00:01:33,040 --> 00:01:35,000 How is Mrs Featherstone? 24 00:01:35,000 --> 00:01:36,720 Relentless. 25 00:01:36,720 --> 00:01:38,320 Oh, dear. 26 00:01:38,320 --> 00:01:41,600 Yes, anyway, er, would you excuse us for just a moment, sir? 27 00:01:41,600 --> 00:01:43,160 Come here, you. 28 00:01:43,160 --> 00:01:47,920 - Take your time, I'm enjoying the lack of companionship. - Yes. 29 00:01:47,920 --> 00:01:51,960 Now, listen, what is your opinion of Mrs Featherstone? 30 00:01:51,960 --> 00:01:53,280 Frightening. 31 00:01:53,280 --> 00:01:54,560 Mm, yes, agreed. 32 00:01:54,560 --> 00:01:59,320 But don't you think that she'd make a perfect partner for Mr Newbold? 33 00:01:59,320 --> 00:02:00,680 Why do you care? 34 00:02:00,680 --> 00:02:02,600 Well, because whenever Mrs Featherstone 35 00:02:02,600 --> 00:02:06,000 hasn't got a man in tow, she looks hungrily at me. 36 00:02:06,000 --> 00:02:08,640 Ah! 37 00:02:08,640 --> 00:02:12,720 May I be the first to wish you both every happiness? 38 00:02:12,720 --> 00:02:14,040 Thank you. 39 00:02:14,040 --> 00:02:15,800 Oh! Jeez. 40 00:02:18,760 --> 00:02:21,440 Now, what can I help you with, er, Mr Newbold? 41 00:02:21,440 --> 00:02:23,080 I think I'm beyond help. 42 00:02:23,080 --> 00:02:25,600 Oh, really? We've got some nice kippers. 43 00:02:25,600 --> 00:02:27,400 She doesn't like kippers. 44 00:02:27,400 --> 00:02:31,000 - What about you? - Oh, she likes me, that's the problem. 45 00:02:31,000 --> 00:02:33,440 You lucky devil. 46 00:02:33,440 --> 00:02:38,280 I have seen men crawling across that doorway on their hands and knees 47 00:02:38,280 --> 00:02:42,080 broken in spirit because she has rejected them. 48 00:02:42,080 --> 00:02:44,320 I missed that. Must've been out. 49 00:02:45,400 --> 00:02:48,800 Well, if one comes in again, broken in spirit, 50 00:02:48,800 --> 00:02:51,360 ask him how he managed it. 51 00:02:51,360 --> 00:02:53,440 Now, Mr Newbold, don't be hasty, 52 00:02:53,440 --> 00:02:57,000 I know that she no longer is a professional wrestler... 53 00:02:57,000 --> 00:02:58,040 What? 54 00:02:59,040 --> 00:03:02,280 She no longer wrestles professionally - 55 00:03:02,280 --> 00:03:04,880 but she would keep you safe, Mr Newbold. 56 00:03:04,880 --> 00:03:07,000 A sound woman in so many ways. 57 00:03:07,000 --> 00:03:08,480 Mostly in my way. 58 00:03:08,480 --> 00:03:12,880 Yeah, well, she runs a neat ship - housekeeper of the year 2004, 59 00:03:12,880 --> 00:03:15,080 her place is spotless. 60 00:03:15,080 --> 00:03:16,160 No wonder. 61 00:03:16,160 --> 00:03:18,640 She's never in it - she's always in mine. 62 00:03:19,720 --> 00:03:22,000 Oh! Mr Newbold, kippers... 63 00:03:22,000 --> 00:03:24,440 Your... I've got some very nice... 64 00:03:24,440 --> 00:03:26,360 Damn. 65 00:03:26,360 --> 00:03:28,840 "No longer wrestles professionally"? 66 00:03:28,840 --> 00:03:30,960 Hmm? You get worse, you do. 67 00:03:30,960 --> 00:03:33,360 Oh... 68 00:03:33,360 --> 00:03:35,080 He got away. 69 00:03:39,120 --> 00:03:40,560 BELL CHIMES 70 00:03:40,560 --> 00:03:42,320 Delivery. 71 00:03:43,520 --> 00:03:44,560 Where do you want it? 72 00:03:44,560 --> 00:03:46,320 Oh, just drop it here. 73 00:03:46,320 --> 00:03:47,440 CRASH 74 00:03:50,000 --> 00:03:51,720 One item. Sign here. 75 00:03:51,720 --> 00:03:55,440 Can we accept the possibility that the contents might be damaged? 76 00:03:55,440 --> 00:03:57,000 Why should they be damaged? 77 00:03:57,000 --> 00:03:58,280 Guess. 78 00:03:58,280 --> 00:03:59,560 - You want me to lift it? - Mm. 79 00:03:59,560 --> 00:04:01,480 With my back? A thing that size?! 80 00:04:01,480 --> 00:04:02,840 HE LAUGHS 81 00:04:02,840 --> 00:04:04,160 No. 82 00:04:04,160 --> 00:04:06,560 - I shall sign it unexamined, hmm? - Mm. 83 00:04:10,000 --> 00:04:12,280 You don't walk like you've got a bad back. 84 00:04:12,280 --> 00:04:14,240 I fight through the pain, don't I? 85 00:04:14,240 --> 00:04:15,880 Until it gets too much for me. 86 00:04:18,160 --> 00:04:19,560 Agh...! 87 00:04:28,360 --> 00:04:30,880 Hullo! What's this, then? 88 00:04:30,880 --> 00:04:32,200 It's your lucky dip. 89 00:04:32,200 --> 00:04:34,760 It's that mystery lot you bought, sight unseen. 90 00:04:34,760 --> 00:04:39,160 Guaranteed to contain items worth more than I paid for it. 91 00:04:40,240 --> 00:04:43,160 You know, that Madge... 92 00:04:43,160 --> 00:04:47,520 she desperately need the comfort of a man in her life. 93 00:04:47,520 --> 00:04:49,640 Well, there's Gastric. 94 00:04:49,640 --> 00:04:51,320 He could be a comfort in your life, 95 00:04:51,320 --> 00:04:53,960 - providing you've got a tail you can wag. - Mm. 96 00:04:53,960 --> 00:04:56,880 I think Madge has got a tail... 97 00:04:56,880 --> 00:04:58,800 and it's forked. 98 00:05:01,360 --> 00:05:03,440 He's no experience with women. 99 00:05:03,440 --> 00:05:04,760 He was married. 100 00:05:04,760 --> 00:05:06,640 She left him on their honeymoon. 101 00:05:07,760 --> 00:05:09,520 Not till midweek. 102 00:05:12,280 --> 00:05:15,360 He's a warm-hearted, decent human being - 103 00:05:15,360 --> 00:05:16,720 internally. 104 00:05:16,720 --> 00:05:19,040 The outside needs a bit of work. 105 00:05:19,040 --> 00:05:22,080 Well, who else is good-hearted enough - 106 00:05:22,080 --> 00:05:25,240 or should I say, daft enough - to tackle her? 107 00:05:26,680 --> 00:05:31,600 I was thinking that I might organise the four of us on a...on a date. 108 00:05:31,600 --> 00:05:34,080 - You're not getting me out on a...! - No, not you! 109 00:05:34,080 --> 00:05:35,600 Not you and me. 110 00:05:35,600 --> 00:05:36,640 - What...?! - No! 111 00:05:38,000 --> 00:05:41,880 I meant me and Mavis and Gastric and Madge. 112 00:05:41,880 --> 00:05:43,600 - Oh! - Mm. 113 00:05:43,600 --> 00:05:45,560 Madge'll never go for that. 114 00:05:45,560 --> 00:05:47,280 But what if it were a blind date 115 00:05:47,280 --> 00:05:49,160 and she wouldn't know who were coming? 116 00:05:49,160 --> 00:05:51,120 - Oh! - Mm! 117 00:05:51,120 --> 00:05:53,840 Now, that is sneaky. 118 00:05:53,840 --> 00:05:57,560 Just one of the weapons in a small shopkeeper's armoury. 119 00:05:57,560 --> 00:05:59,840 HE CHUCKLES Eh? 120 00:06:03,800 --> 00:06:05,320 Oh... 121 00:06:08,280 --> 00:06:10,240 I've been up half the night with... 122 00:06:10,240 --> 00:06:11,720 Gastric, you're just the man. 123 00:06:11,720 --> 00:06:14,360 ..an upset stomach. 124 00:06:14,360 --> 00:06:15,920 I must've eaten something. 125 00:06:15,920 --> 00:06:17,920 Eaten something?! You eat everything. 126 00:06:19,040 --> 00:06:20,200 Rubbish. 127 00:06:20,200 --> 00:06:22,680 Oh, we have that for lunch. 128 00:06:22,680 --> 00:06:24,440 Right, now... 129 00:06:24,440 --> 00:06:26,520 I want you to blow in that, 130 00:06:26,520 --> 00:06:29,400 blow it up and then pinch it by the neck. 131 00:06:29,400 --> 00:06:30,880 Could I ask what for? 132 00:06:30,880 --> 00:06:32,560 Look, save your breath for blowing. 133 00:06:32,560 --> 00:06:34,520 Just, er, blow it up - just do it. 134 00:06:52,200 --> 00:06:53,960 - Ugh... - Good. Right. 135 00:06:53,960 --> 00:06:55,360 What's all this about? 136 00:06:55,360 --> 00:06:57,040 Yeah, I was wondering that. 137 00:06:57,040 --> 00:06:58,360 Ah, thank you. 138 00:06:58,360 --> 00:06:59,720 Diagnosis. 139 00:06:59,720 --> 00:07:04,080 We're going to find out what is wrong with Gastric's digestive system. 140 00:07:05,840 --> 00:07:07,120 With a balloon? 141 00:07:07,120 --> 00:07:09,400 This is more than a balloon now, ain't it? 142 00:07:09,400 --> 00:07:11,400 It's got you inside it. 143 00:07:11,400 --> 00:07:13,640 It's got all your molecules, your DNA - 144 00:07:13,640 --> 00:07:17,560 it can even tell what you had for supper last night, 145 00:07:17,560 --> 00:07:20,240 all we've got to do is to listen to it. 146 00:07:20,240 --> 00:07:21,920 Listen to what? 147 00:07:21,920 --> 00:07:24,800 To you coming out of the balloon. 148 00:07:26,760 --> 00:07:29,160 You don't want to be trapped in there all day, do you? 149 00:07:30,360 --> 00:07:32,560 Now, wait a minute... 150 00:07:32,560 --> 00:07:34,880 Don't fight it, Gastric. 151 00:07:34,880 --> 00:07:36,960 It's bigger than the both of us. 152 00:07:36,960 --> 00:07:39,960 Look, just-just be quiet, will you? 153 00:07:39,960 --> 00:07:43,280 Listen to what it tells us about Gastric. 154 00:07:43,280 --> 00:07:45,000 What can a balloon tell us about me? 155 00:07:45,000 --> 00:07:46,720 Everything! 156 00:07:46,720 --> 00:07:48,480 The ancient Egyptians, 157 00:07:48,480 --> 00:07:52,200 they built their entire medical knowledge on this sort of thing. 158 00:07:52,200 --> 00:07:54,840 The ancient Egyptians had balloons? 159 00:07:57,160 --> 00:07:59,640 Mainly for, er, birthdays and stag nights. 160 00:08:02,320 --> 00:08:04,280 No, they did not - 161 00:08:04,280 --> 00:08:07,840 they had bladders of goats and of camels, right? 162 00:08:07,840 --> 00:08:10,560 Now, unless you want to wait for a camel to come through here, 163 00:08:10,560 --> 00:08:12,000 can we get on? 164 00:08:12,000 --> 00:08:13,320 Go on, I'll give it a go. 165 00:08:13,320 --> 00:08:15,040 Right, quiet please. 166 00:08:15,040 --> 00:08:17,200 It takes concentration, this. 167 00:08:21,120 --> 00:08:22,520 BALLOON SQUEAKS 168 00:08:28,800 --> 00:08:30,560 HE MIMICS SQUEAKING 169 00:08:34,920 --> 00:08:36,040 BALLOON SQUEAKS 170 00:08:36,040 --> 00:08:37,400 PFFFRT 171 00:08:40,280 --> 00:08:43,400 You heard that? Obvious, ain't it, eh? 172 00:08:43,400 --> 00:08:44,640 You're lovesick. 173 00:08:48,800 --> 00:08:50,480 - Lovesick? - Mm-hm. 174 00:08:50,480 --> 00:08:52,200 It's a stomach problem. 175 00:08:52,200 --> 00:08:55,680 Yes, well, that's where the deepest love lies, doesn't it? 176 00:08:55,680 --> 00:08:58,480 Right down there in the...in the belly. 177 00:08:58,480 --> 00:09:00,160 I mean, who said that? 178 00:09:00,160 --> 00:09:02,160 Probably William Shakespeare. 179 00:09:02,160 --> 00:09:04,920 Or was it Mr Arnold Smethwick of Wolverhampton? 180 00:09:06,320 --> 00:09:08,120 Who am I supposed to be in love with? 181 00:09:08,120 --> 00:09:10,160 Well, it's obvious - it was Madge, wasn't it? 182 00:09:10,160 --> 00:09:12,200 Didn't you hear it? Didn't you hear the balloon? 183 00:09:12,200 --> 00:09:16,120 When it went like that, it went, "Maaaaadge!" 184 00:09:21,880 --> 00:09:25,400 I've sent Gastric home to get his best suit on. 185 00:09:25,400 --> 00:09:28,720 I want him looking sharp for his date tonight. 186 00:09:28,720 --> 00:09:30,520 You think Madge will turn up? 187 00:09:30,520 --> 00:09:32,800 Oh, yes, Madge will turn up - 188 00:09:32,800 --> 00:09:35,960 even if it's only just to annoy me and Mavis. 189 00:09:38,280 --> 00:09:40,160 Till she sees Gastric. 190 00:09:40,160 --> 00:09:45,080 Supposing we hit her with a more sophisticated, suave - 191 00:09:45,080 --> 00:09:49,760 dare I say, elegant - Gastric, eh? Mm... 192 00:09:49,760 --> 00:09:53,480 Cos you know that ladies like surprises, don't they? 193 00:09:53,480 --> 00:09:56,000 I wouldn't dare. 194 00:09:56,000 --> 00:09:58,680 Right, what have we got here? 195 00:09:58,680 --> 00:10:01,640 The Pyongyang Cosmetic Company? 196 00:10:03,840 --> 00:10:06,320 What the heck have you bought? 197 00:10:06,320 --> 00:10:10,400 "North Korea's first venture into the beauty industry." 198 00:10:11,800 --> 00:10:17,320 "352 tubes of invisible lip salve for chapped lips... 199 00:10:17,320 --> 00:10:19,320 "in three flavours." 200 00:10:19,320 --> 00:10:21,520 Yeah, well, that's good - choice, choice, three... 201 00:10:21,520 --> 00:10:23,360 what are the flavours? 202 00:10:23,360 --> 00:10:25,920 "Peasant flags unfurling"... 203 00:10:27,240 --> 00:10:29,200 Yes, yes, good. 204 00:10:29,200 --> 00:10:31,360 "Death to capitalism"... 205 00:10:33,840 --> 00:10:35,640 ..and "the east is cerise". 206 00:10:37,240 --> 00:10:39,360 Well, that's catchy. HE CHUCKLES 207 00:10:39,360 --> 00:10:42,720 Well, forget the flavours and concentrate on the product, hey? 208 00:10:42,720 --> 00:10:46,480 It's not winter. Who gets chapped lips? 209 00:10:46,480 --> 00:10:51,160 Well, we don't need to say that they are FOR chapped lips, do we? 210 00:10:51,160 --> 00:10:53,480 - For what, then? - Mm... 211 00:10:55,160 --> 00:10:57,120 We'll think of something. 212 00:11:16,360 --> 00:11:17,640 Wait! 213 00:11:21,800 --> 00:11:23,800 What do I need with bullets? 214 00:11:23,800 --> 00:11:25,160 It's not a bullet. 215 00:11:25,160 --> 00:11:27,720 It's a love charm from North Korea. 216 00:11:27,720 --> 00:11:29,200 Who told you that twaddle?! 217 00:11:29,200 --> 00:11:31,760 At the shop. 218 00:11:31,760 --> 00:11:33,360 Listen, whatever your name is... 219 00:11:33,360 --> 00:11:34,680 Call me Mick. 220 00:11:34,680 --> 00:11:37,160 Take it back to North Korea. 221 00:11:37,160 --> 00:11:40,840 Take it personally and ask for a refund. 222 00:11:40,840 --> 00:11:42,760 You've forgotten the magic, haven't you? 223 00:11:42,760 --> 00:11:44,080 That... 224 00:11:44,080 --> 00:11:45,400 That thing we had. 225 00:11:45,400 --> 00:11:48,000 I squeezed your boil. 226 00:11:48,000 --> 00:11:51,520 If ever I got another one, I swore I'd be back. 227 00:11:51,520 --> 00:11:52,960 I've retired - 228 00:11:52,960 --> 00:11:58,400 from nursing, from boils and especially from dozy men. 229 00:11:59,760 --> 00:12:01,680 Well, at least take the flowers. 230 00:12:01,680 --> 00:12:03,720 What am I going to do with the flowers? 231 00:12:03,720 --> 00:12:05,200 Don't tempt me. 232 00:12:10,360 --> 00:12:11,680 Yes. 233 00:12:11,680 --> 00:12:13,280 It's coming. 234 00:12:13,280 --> 00:12:15,720 The new image is coming. 235 00:12:15,720 --> 00:12:16,800 GASTRIC CHUCKLES 236 00:12:16,800 --> 00:12:18,760 Some way still to go. 237 00:12:18,760 --> 00:12:22,880 Yes, yes...but, er, you know, you're given top marks for trying. 238 00:12:22,880 --> 00:12:25,280 The man is looking tastier, isn't he? 239 00:12:25,280 --> 00:12:29,760 Gorgeous - even charismatic wouldn't be going too far. 240 00:12:29,760 --> 00:12:30,920 Oh, you think? 241 00:12:30,920 --> 00:12:32,200 Tell him, Leroy. 242 00:12:32,200 --> 00:12:33,800 Well, I think it's a good suit. 243 00:12:33,800 --> 00:12:36,400 It must be - look how long he's made it last. 244 00:12:36,400 --> 00:12:39,960 Oh, they don't make 'em like this any more. 245 00:12:39,960 --> 00:12:42,400 No! Thank goodness, no. 246 00:12:44,200 --> 00:12:46,600 Well, who's he when he's at home? 247 00:12:46,600 --> 00:12:49,280 Remind me. How did you meet him? 248 00:12:49,280 --> 00:12:52,800 I've told you - he says I once squeezed his boil. 249 00:12:52,800 --> 00:12:54,840 Oh, that's one boy-meets-girl story 250 00:12:54,840 --> 00:12:57,160 that's never going to be made into a film. 251 00:12:57,160 --> 00:12:59,680 I can't think what's got into him. 252 00:12:59,680 --> 00:13:01,440 It's called romance. 253 00:13:01,440 --> 00:13:03,880 You're a big tulip, our Mavis. 254 00:13:03,880 --> 00:13:05,840 It makes the world go round. 255 00:13:05,840 --> 00:13:07,880 It's all right when you're 16, 256 00:13:07,880 --> 00:13:10,920 but who wants a man round your neck at our age? 257 00:13:15,400 --> 00:13:19,080 And where's Mr Newbold been hiding, then? Before you spotted him. 258 00:13:19,080 --> 00:13:21,600 Just around the corner, would you believe? 259 00:13:21,600 --> 00:13:24,840 He was there, all alone, and nobody said a word. 260 00:13:24,840 --> 00:13:26,920 He still looks lonely. 261 00:13:26,920 --> 00:13:29,080 I bet he's known tragedy in his life. 262 00:13:29,080 --> 00:13:30,920 If he hasn't, he soon will. 263 00:13:34,800 --> 00:13:37,480 I shall be glad to get out of this suit. 264 00:13:37,480 --> 00:13:39,960 You'll be cooler when the sun goes down. 265 00:13:39,960 --> 00:13:42,400 I shall be cool enough with that Madge. 266 00:13:42,400 --> 00:13:44,040 She'd freeze anybody! 267 00:13:44,040 --> 00:13:45,880 No, no, no, no - 268 00:13:45,880 --> 00:13:47,840 the balloon, think of the balloon. 269 00:13:47,840 --> 00:13:49,560 The balloon is never wrong. 270 00:13:49,560 --> 00:13:52,640 Deep down inside you, you want this woman. 271 00:13:52,640 --> 00:13:56,840 You want to lift her up and you want to carry her away. 272 00:13:56,840 --> 00:13:58,720 It's the Tarzan thing. 273 00:13:58,720 --> 00:14:00,520 "Carry her away"! Where to? 274 00:14:00,520 --> 00:14:04,640 To where all lovers want to go - to paradise, 275 00:14:04,640 --> 00:14:09,320 to that little den that you have, you know, tucked away for her. 276 00:14:09,320 --> 00:14:13,400 I used to rent this static caravan at Hornsea. 277 00:14:18,400 --> 00:14:20,240 Do you want a choc ice? 278 00:14:20,240 --> 00:14:24,120 Oh, I'd sooner have a cornet - with a great big lickable lump. 279 00:14:24,120 --> 00:14:27,160 We'll, that's you all over, ain't it, Gastric? 280 00:14:27,160 --> 00:14:28,480 Heh-heh-heh, hey? 281 00:14:28,480 --> 00:14:30,560 You're a great big lickable lump. 282 00:14:30,560 --> 00:14:31,600 HE CHUCKLES 283 00:14:31,600 --> 00:14:36,600 That is the image that we want to give to Madge, ain't it, eh? 284 00:14:38,360 --> 00:14:39,960 Ohh! 285 00:14:39,960 --> 00:14:41,360 There we go. 286 00:14:41,360 --> 00:14:42,760 Oh-ho, ho! 287 00:14:42,760 --> 00:14:44,480 Don't get it down your suit. 288 00:14:44,480 --> 00:14:46,200 Oh, are you saying I'm a messy eater? 289 00:14:46,200 --> 00:14:48,120 Only when you're eating. 290 00:14:48,120 --> 00:14:51,520 Because I want you looking your best for Madge tonight. 291 00:14:51,520 --> 00:14:54,160 - Well, I've given it all I've got. - Yes. Hah! 292 00:14:54,160 --> 00:14:56,600 Looks like your dog's been giving it all he's got - 293 00:14:56,600 --> 00:14:59,280 look at you, you're covered in dog hairs, look. 294 00:14:59,280 --> 00:15:00,760 Oh, that. 295 00:15:00,760 --> 00:15:03,320 I'm always covered in dogs' hairs. 296 00:15:03,320 --> 00:15:05,840 We have the solution - we have the solution. 297 00:15:05,840 --> 00:15:08,880 This little monster here will soon sort you out. 298 00:15:08,880 --> 00:15:12,880 You know, this is a combined vacuum cleaner and hairdryer 299 00:15:12,880 --> 00:15:15,760 which means it sucks as well as it blows. 300 00:15:15,760 --> 00:15:16,880 HE CHUCKLES 301 00:15:16,880 --> 00:15:18,040 Right, so... 302 00:15:18,040 --> 00:15:20,320 IT WHIRS Ah! Here we go. 303 00:15:21,520 --> 00:15:22,880 Oh! 304 00:15:22,880 --> 00:15:25,240 Hey, hey, look at that! That's working. 305 00:15:25,240 --> 00:15:26,520 Hey, hey, hey... 306 00:15:26,520 --> 00:15:28,680 SQUELCH Hey! Oh! 307 00:15:28,680 --> 00:15:30,840 Oh, hey! 308 00:15:33,360 --> 00:15:35,920 Have you seen the power of this thing?! 309 00:15:47,400 --> 00:15:48,880 Oh, heck. 310 00:15:50,960 --> 00:15:53,360 I can't go on a date like this. 311 00:15:53,360 --> 00:15:54,640 I'll have to cancel. 312 00:15:55,920 --> 00:15:57,880 No, no, not so fast. 313 00:15:57,880 --> 00:16:02,040 You can't cancel. No, er... 314 00:16:03,400 --> 00:16:06,240 You'll wait until you've had the benefit 315 00:16:06,240 --> 00:16:11,200 of the, er...Arkwright washing and pressing service. 316 00:16:11,200 --> 00:16:12,760 How long we had one of those? 317 00:16:12,760 --> 00:16:14,000 For years. 318 00:16:14,000 --> 00:16:17,200 We just didn't realise we had the equipment for it. 319 00:16:18,320 --> 00:16:19,720 WATER GUSHES 320 00:16:21,240 --> 00:16:22,920 Is Gastric in there? 321 00:16:22,920 --> 00:16:25,720 - Yeah. - Lock him in, lock him in. 322 00:16:25,720 --> 00:16:27,480 'Oi, hey, oi!' 323 00:16:28,920 --> 00:16:30,960 Well, that's it, see? 324 00:16:30,960 --> 00:16:34,240 Gastric oughtn't to see this professional bit. 325 00:16:40,160 --> 00:16:44,080 You see, to the layman it might look like we're mishandling his suit. 326 00:16:50,880 --> 00:16:51,960 Yeah. 327 00:16:51,960 --> 00:16:53,360 Yeah, I can see that. 328 00:16:53,360 --> 00:16:56,520 Here you are - c'mon, your turn. Keep it going. 329 00:16:56,520 --> 00:16:58,040 That's it, go on. 330 00:17:00,360 --> 00:17:02,280 Well, put your back into it, you... 331 00:17:02,280 --> 00:17:04,680 Ha-hey, go on. 332 00:17:08,960 --> 00:17:11,520 But we haven't got chapped lips. 333 00:17:11,520 --> 00:17:13,960 They've not had that much wear and tear. 334 00:17:14,960 --> 00:17:17,920 No, but chapped lips in North Korean 335 00:17:17,920 --> 00:17:22,000 is loosely translated as "kiss me" lips. 336 00:17:22,000 --> 00:17:24,520 Can you see blokes wearing this stuff? 337 00:17:24,520 --> 00:17:26,960 Giving it a quick touch up when they pass a mirror? 338 00:17:26,960 --> 00:17:30,560 They'll soon start getting fidgety at the darts club. 339 00:17:30,560 --> 00:17:34,120 No, no, no, it's invisible - people don't know you're wearing it. 340 00:17:34,120 --> 00:17:36,480 What are you saying it does, exactly? 341 00:17:36,480 --> 00:17:37,720 Or even roughly? 342 00:17:39,000 --> 00:17:40,920 Listen, you've got to open your minds. 343 00:17:40,920 --> 00:17:43,080 I'm open-minded. 344 00:17:43,080 --> 00:17:44,640 I like Chinese food. 345 00:17:46,520 --> 00:17:49,840 I like to think I'm free of any prejudice. 346 00:17:49,840 --> 00:17:52,880 Except for people from Warrington... 347 00:17:52,880 --> 00:17:55,320 which I think is understandable. 348 00:17:55,320 --> 00:17:56,800 Mm, yeah. 349 00:17:56,800 --> 00:18:01,280 This stuff was working its magic before there even was a Warrington. 350 00:18:01,280 --> 00:18:04,520 I'm inclined to like it already. 351 00:18:04,520 --> 00:18:06,080 I don't know how it works, 352 00:18:06,080 --> 00:18:11,520 but this powerful lotion tends to draw people to your lips. 353 00:18:11,520 --> 00:18:12,960 I wouldn't want to be wearing it 354 00:18:12,960 --> 00:18:15,280 when I pass that bloke at the Post Office. 355 00:18:16,800 --> 00:18:18,560 Could we narrow it down a bit? 356 00:18:18,560 --> 00:18:20,680 Yes - people of the opposite sex. 357 00:18:20,680 --> 00:18:23,440 Oh, you're moving into my sphere of interest, now. 358 00:18:23,440 --> 00:18:26,040 This attracts people that you're close to. 359 00:18:26,040 --> 00:18:30,520 You apply it on your lips, and as soon as you have, 360 00:18:30,520 --> 00:18:33,680 your nearest and dearest will start to pucker. 361 00:18:33,680 --> 00:18:35,320 She'll go... 362 00:19:01,480 --> 00:19:02,640 Give over! 363 00:19:02,640 --> 00:19:04,800 Hey, get real. 364 00:19:06,440 --> 00:19:10,880 Stop acting like a pair of local yokels, you two. 365 00:19:10,880 --> 00:19:15,440 There's a thousand years of oriental magic behind this stuff. 366 00:19:15,440 --> 00:19:18,400 They have some funny ideas, it's true. 367 00:19:18,400 --> 00:19:21,400 Well, as far as I can see, it's the same idea as us - 368 00:19:21,400 --> 00:19:23,760 they just go about it in a funnier way. 369 00:19:23,760 --> 00:19:26,400 You see, they were skilled in the arts of love 370 00:19:26,400 --> 00:19:28,480 when we were still painting by numbers. 371 00:19:28,480 --> 00:19:31,280 Aye, and some of us still are. 372 00:19:31,280 --> 00:19:37,000 But that will change once your partner finds that she can't resist. 373 00:19:43,120 --> 00:19:44,440 I'll try one. 374 00:19:44,440 --> 00:19:45,520 You must be barmy. 375 00:19:50,520 --> 00:19:52,120 Ah, go on, then, make it two. 376 00:19:57,960 --> 00:19:59,040 Ugh... 377 00:20:05,200 --> 00:20:06,720 We'll never get it dry enough! 378 00:20:06,720 --> 00:20:08,480 They managed in the old days. 379 00:20:08,480 --> 00:20:10,200 Oh - and what about pressing? 380 00:20:10,200 --> 00:20:11,880 That's been arranged. 381 00:20:11,880 --> 00:20:13,640 You're doing it. 382 00:20:13,640 --> 00:20:17,360 I only do a bit of ironing - normal laundry. 383 00:20:17,360 --> 00:20:21,200 Well, now's your chance to move up to the next level, ain't it? 384 00:20:21,200 --> 00:20:22,960 Does that come with more money? 385 00:20:22,960 --> 00:20:25,040 You see, Leroy, you've got to look at it this way - 386 00:20:25,040 --> 00:20:28,720 one day all of this, and that, will be yours. 387 00:20:28,720 --> 00:20:33,120 So, by not giving you a raise I am building up your nest egg. 388 00:20:33,120 --> 00:20:37,680 So, technically, you could say that I am working for you. 389 00:20:38,960 --> 00:20:40,440 Oh! 390 00:20:40,440 --> 00:20:43,120 All right, then - but don't expect a raise. 391 00:20:43,120 --> 00:20:44,600 Oh, no. 392 00:20:44,600 --> 00:20:46,320 - SHOUTING: - Is my suit ready yet? 393 00:20:46,320 --> 00:20:48,600 No, no, no - give us a chance, will you? 394 00:20:50,040 --> 00:20:52,280 This is never going to get the water out. 395 00:20:52,280 --> 00:20:56,000 Well, we need more intelligent use of what's available. 396 00:21:09,640 --> 00:21:12,720 You know, I never did get to finish that ice cream. 397 00:21:12,720 --> 00:21:15,480 - Oh, go on - help yourself. - Oh! 398 00:21:16,480 --> 00:21:18,640 'What's the matter with them all?! 399 00:21:18,640 --> 00:21:20,040 'Something's going on.' 400 00:21:20,040 --> 00:21:21,400 I don't know what... 401 00:21:23,080 --> 00:21:24,920 I passed Cyril in the street - 402 00:21:24,920 --> 00:21:27,640 he looked like his lips were going wild. 403 00:21:27,640 --> 00:21:28,800 Well, now, that's funny, 404 00:21:28,800 --> 00:21:32,120 because I've just seen Eric and he was pushing his lips about. 405 00:21:32,120 --> 00:21:35,400 I thought, "I hope you're not aiming those at me." 406 00:21:35,400 --> 00:21:38,600 - They look like they've been sucking a lemon. - Yes, but why? 407 00:21:38,600 --> 00:21:41,480 And not the same lemon, one would hope. 408 00:21:41,480 --> 00:21:44,960 - There's some very strange things going on in this neighbourhood. - Mm! 409 00:21:44,960 --> 00:21:46,600 Sharing a lemon... 410 00:21:46,600 --> 00:21:49,800 not the sort of thing you should be seen doing in the street. 411 00:21:49,800 --> 00:21:52,000 Ladies, what is your pleasure? 412 00:21:52,000 --> 00:21:56,640 Oh, well, thank you for asking, Granville... 413 00:21:56,640 --> 00:21:59,080 but I think I'll do me shopping first. 414 00:22:03,400 --> 00:22:06,920 Now, Granville, if Mr Newbold comes in here on his own, 415 00:22:06,920 --> 00:22:08,920 turn him round and send him home. 416 00:22:08,920 --> 00:22:10,440 I can't do that! 417 00:22:10,440 --> 00:22:12,720 Of course he can't do that. 418 00:22:12,720 --> 00:22:15,960 I don't like him spending unsupervised. 419 00:22:15,960 --> 00:22:18,480 I promised his mother I'd look after him. 420 00:22:18,480 --> 00:22:20,520 You never knew his mother. 421 00:22:20,520 --> 00:22:22,920 Well, I would've promised, had we met. 422 00:22:22,920 --> 00:22:24,120 BELL CHIMES 423 00:22:24,120 --> 00:22:27,760 Oh, good day, ladies. Sugar, Granville. 424 00:22:27,760 --> 00:22:29,920 I'll get it, I know where it is. 425 00:22:31,440 --> 00:22:32,800 SHE SCREAMS 426 00:22:34,360 --> 00:22:35,840 Oh... 427 00:22:42,280 --> 00:22:43,640 He wanted an ice cream. 428 00:22:46,080 --> 00:22:47,960 Well, he looks cool enough to me. 429 00:22:49,200 --> 00:22:51,040 Are you all right, love? 430 00:22:51,040 --> 00:22:53,200 I hope you only got a brief glimpse. 431 00:22:53,200 --> 00:22:55,160 Now, in situations like this, 432 00:22:55,160 --> 00:22:57,880 I always think it's best to look them straight in the eye. 433 00:22:57,880 --> 00:22:59,520 I'm sorry for losing it, 434 00:22:59,520 --> 00:23:02,360 but you don't see many of those on your baking shelf. 435 00:23:02,360 --> 00:23:05,080 You just caught him between trousers. 436 00:23:05,080 --> 00:23:06,360 I never touched him! 437 00:23:07,760 --> 00:23:11,520 That was always my policy - unless there was a medical reason. 438 00:23:11,520 --> 00:23:14,760 Don't worry, he'll be fully clad within the hour. 439 00:23:14,760 --> 00:23:16,000 Oh, I'm pleased to hear it - 440 00:23:16,000 --> 00:23:19,520 I was worried you might be keeping him for display purposes. 441 00:23:19,520 --> 00:23:22,920 I'm sure there'd be little demand for what he were advertising. 442 00:23:26,520 --> 00:23:27,680 Now... 443 00:23:27,680 --> 00:23:29,040 Oh! 444 00:23:29,040 --> 00:23:30,800 HE COUGHS 445 00:23:32,320 --> 00:23:33,960 Ooh-ah! 446 00:23:33,960 --> 00:23:35,640 Ah-ah... 447 00:23:35,640 --> 00:23:37,040 Ooh, ha, ah-ah-ah-ah! 448 00:23:37,040 --> 00:23:38,440 - Ooh! - Ooh, ooh! 449 00:23:38,440 --> 00:23:39,720 Agh! 450 00:23:41,600 --> 00:23:43,280 How am I meant to press this? 451 00:23:43,280 --> 00:23:44,760 Perfectly. 452 00:23:44,760 --> 00:23:46,840 And get a move on - 453 00:23:46,840 --> 00:23:51,520 I've got to keep Gastric away from this suit until it is presentable. 454 00:23:51,520 --> 00:23:53,800 He's going to be away a long time. 455 00:23:53,800 --> 00:23:55,040 BELL CHIMES 456 00:23:57,840 --> 00:23:59,200 Where's Gastric? 457 00:23:59,200 --> 00:24:01,280 Er, we're keeping him in the privy. 458 00:24:01,280 --> 00:24:02,840 Is that legal? 459 00:24:02,840 --> 00:24:05,880 No, not forever - it's just until his suit's ready, 460 00:24:05,880 --> 00:24:08,200 he tends to excite the ladies. 461 00:24:08,200 --> 00:24:10,400 It's not working with Madge. 462 00:24:10,400 --> 00:24:12,160 She's still coming tonight, though? 463 00:24:12,160 --> 00:24:14,880 Yes - to keep an eye on you and me. 464 00:24:14,880 --> 00:24:17,360 Oh, right, well, it's a start. 465 00:24:17,360 --> 00:24:20,600 I mean, you know, if she likes going out in a foursome. 466 00:24:20,600 --> 00:24:22,480 I wouldn't exactly say "likes", 467 00:24:22,480 --> 00:24:25,480 but she thinks it's better than you and me going off on our own. 468 00:24:25,480 --> 00:24:28,800 Where does she get these attitudes from? 469 00:24:28,800 --> 00:24:32,040 She's not wanted for war crimes anywhere, is she? 470 00:24:32,040 --> 00:24:33,800 Nobody's perfect. 471 00:24:33,800 --> 00:24:35,040 No. 472 00:24:35,040 --> 00:24:37,440 Well, anyway, it's progress. 473 00:24:37,440 --> 00:24:39,320 I thought she might back out entirely 474 00:24:39,320 --> 00:24:41,240 when she knew her date was Gastric. 475 00:24:41,240 --> 00:24:45,920 Ah, well, yes - did I actually tell her? 476 00:24:45,920 --> 00:24:49,920 I intended to, but...I got busy - you know how it is. 477 00:24:51,640 --> 00:24:53,080 I like your eyes. 478 00:24:53,080 --> 00:24:55,000 Oh, they're just eyes. 479 00:24:55,000 --> 00:24:57,040 Not from this side. 480 00:24:57,040 --> 00:24:58,880 THEY CHUCKLE 481 00:25:02,920 --> 00:25:04,360 BELL CHIMES 482 00:25:09,240 --> 00:25:10,440 Is it ready? 483 00:25:10,440 --> 00:25:13,760 Tell me it's ready! There's a lot riding on that suit. 484 00:25:13,760 --> 00:25:15,920 Ta-da! 485 00:25:15,920 --> 00:25:18,760 Oh, yes, What a good job. 486 00:25:18,760 --> 00:25:20,600 Well, it's all in the wrist. 487 00:25:20,600 --> 00:25:22,360 Any good presser will tell you that. 488 00:25:22,360 --> 00:25:25,080 He'll be a right girlie magnet, won't he, hey? 489 00:25:25,080 --> 00:25:27,080 Clean, well-pressed, smart. 490 00:25:27,080 --> 00:25:29,360 Got to be worth something - even to Madge. 491 00:25:29,360 --> 00:25:30,760 What time you going out? 492 00:25:30,760 --> 00:25:32,080 When we close. 493 00:25:33,480 --> 00:25:35,960 Be a couple of, er, you know... 494 00:25:35,960 --> 00:25:38,520 - get-to-know-you drinks. - Mm-hm. 495 00:25:38,520 --> 00:25:44,040 Back to their place for a bit of...late supper, and, um... 496 00:25:44,040 --> 00:25:45,520 don't wait up. 497 00:25:49,360 --> 00:25:51,240 SPINE CRACKS Oh...! 498 00:25:57,640 --> 00:25:59,400 Mm... 499 00:25:59,400 --> 00:26:04,560 Now, the question is, do we feed Gastric before we go? 500 00:26:04,560 --> 00:26:08,000 I'd hate to turn him loose at Madge's if he's hungry. 501 00:26:09,400 --> 00:26:10,560 Ey-up! 502 00:26:10,560 --> 00:26:14,960 That North Korea, it's going to be a big name in loving circles. 503 00:26:14,960 --> 00:26:16,200 Save me a dozen. 504 00:26:26,800 --> 00:26:28,400 Well, are you coming out, or what? 505 00:26:28,400 --> 00:26:30,560 That's if you've got time to wait. 506 00:26:31,800 --> 00:26:34,720 At that speed, he's not your dashing lover, is he? 507 00:26:34,720 --> 00:26:39,600 - I expect he's being careful not to spoil his creases. - Mm. 508 00:26:41,000 --> 00:26:43,320 Oh...oh! 509 00:26:43,320 --> 00:26:44,680 Agh... 510 00:26:44,680 --> 00:26:46,680 Oh! Aah! 511 00:26:46,680 --> 00:26:48,080 Oh... 512 00:26:48,080 --> 00:26:49,680 Ngh... 513 00:26:49,680 --> 00:26:50,960 You've ruined his suit. 514 00:26:50,960 --> 00:26:52,040 Me?! 515 00:26:52,040 --> 00:26:55,400 That's inferior material, that is. 516 00:26:55,400 --> 00:26:58,440 It's got a grip like a boa constrictor. 517 00:26:58,440 --> 00:27:00,440 I think supper's off... 518 00:27:00,440 --> 00:27:03,160 There's no room for aught else in here. 519 00:27:03,160 --> 00:27:04,240 Augh! 520 00:27:04,240 --> 00:27:07,200 Nicely cleaned and pressed, though - let's be fair. 521 00:27:08,360 --> 00:27:11,000 Wait - sit down, if it's painful. 522 00:27:13,440 --> 00:27:16,600 - There. - Sitting down's not all that easy. 523 00:27:16,600 --> 00:27:18,120 Oh...oh.... 524 00:27:18,120 --> 00:27:20,600 - TROUSERS RIP - Oh! 525 00:27:25,800 --> 00:27:27,640 - BOTH: - Oh! 526 00:27:28,960 --> 00:27:30,120 Oh! 527 00:27:42,040 --> 00:27:44,640 'It's going to be a tricky suit to get out of. 528 00:27:45,720 --> 00:27:48,840 'I wonder if he'll have to live in it forever.' 529 00:27:50,840 --> 00:27:52,960 Did you enjoy wrestling? 530 00:27:52,960 --> 00:27:56,480 You can forget that stuff till I get a ring on this finger. 531 00:28:03,920 --> 00:28:07,720 'Under the circumstances, I think I'm going to have to forget 532 00:28:07,720 --> 00:28:11,960 'that Gastric still owes me for that ice cream. 533 00:28:13,880 --> 00:28:16,560 ' "Open at the other end." 534 00:28:16,560 --> 00:28:18,120 'Hm! 535 00:28:18,120 --> 00:28:21,080 'I should've stuck that on Gastric's trousers.'