1
00:00:07,200 --> 00:00:11,080
Hey, put that one in the front where it can be seen.

2
00:00:11,080 --> 00:00:13,600
You need your glasses? It's bruised.

3
00:00:13,600 --> 00:00:16,880
It's bruised, I know it's bruised, you know it's bruised,

4
00:00:16,880 --> 00:00:21,920
and soon Mrs Thing will know it's bruised. It's a Mrs Thing trap.

5
00:00:21,920 --> 00:00:24,240
Mm, she's got a bigger trap than you.

6
00:00:24,240 --> 00:00:27,880
I'm fed up with her coming in, poking and prodding

7
00:00:27,880 --> 00:00:31,640
and I never get her in the shop...

8
00:00:31,640 --> 00:00:34,720
but today she is mine.

9
00:00:37,040 --> 00:00:38,560
Eh, up.

10
00:00:40,680 --> 00:00:43,680
Oh, dear. Mm, oh.

11
00:00:43,680 --> 00:00:45,200
I'm just looking.

12
00:00:45,200 --> 00:00:46,360
Oh, carry on.

13
00:00:46,360 --> 00:00:47,560
Are these fresh?

14
00:00:47,560 --> 00:00:50,400
Oh, yes, any fresher and they'd be insulting.

15
00:00:50,400 --> 00:00:53,000
This one's bruised.

16
00:00:53,000 --> 00:00:55,160
Oh, congratulations.

17
00:00:55,160 --> 00:00:59,360
You see, by spotting that, you've just won my discerning customer award

18
00:00:59,360 --> 00:01:04,200
which means that you can purchase a pack of yoghurt for less than cost.

19
00:01:05,880 --> 00:01:08,560
This young man here, he worries about me

20
00:01:08,560 --> 00:01:12,480
practically giving stuff away, and I say to him,

21
00:01:12,480 --> 00:01:15,760
I say, "Leroy, don't you worry about the loss,

22
00:01:15,760 --> 00:01:19,400
"think of it more as... a community service."

23
00:01:19,400 --> 00:01:22,840
There you are. Up you go.

24
00:01:22,840 --> 00:01:27,280
How can you claim that it's less than cost?

25
00:01:27,280 --> 00:01:31,680
Well, it's bound to be less than the cost of something, ain't it?

26
00:01:56,040 --> 00:01:57,920
BARKING

27
00:02:06,080 --> 00:02:07,360
Hey!

28
00:02:31,080 --> 00:02:32,520
Hey!

29
00:02:36,760 --> 00:02:40,920
Explain to me why you bought this load of old damaged tins?

30
00:02:40,920 --> 00:02:43,200
Grocer's intuition, Leroy.

31
00:02:43,200 --> 00:02:48,240
Little voice in my ear went, "Hey, hey, eh, up, they're cheap."

32
00:02:48,240 --> 00:02:50,600
You'll never sell them in this condition

33
00:02:50,600 --> 00:02:53,320
and I am not eating them for the next six months.

34
00:02:53,320 --> 00:02:55,240
Oh, have a little faith, Leroy.

35
00:02:58,640 --> 00:03:00,440
I'm out of bread.

36
00:03:00,440 --> 00:03:03,560
What have you got from yesterday that's not stale?

37
00:03:03,560 --> 00:03:05,360
Oh, I've got a nice brown cob.

38
00:03:05,360 --> 00:03:06,880
Oh, I'll take that.

39
00:03:10,440 --> 00:03:11,680
There we are.

40
00:03:11,680 --> 00:03:13,240
It's a bit flat.

41
00:03:14,560 --> 00:03:16,600
It's not a musical instrument.

42
00:03:18,000 --> 00:03:21,760
Shouldn't it be, you know, more puffed up?

43
00:03:21,760 --> 00:03:23,240
You want puffed up?

44
00:03:25,080 --> 00:03:27,400
All right, all right.

45
00:03:27,400 --> 00:03:30,360
I'll see what I've got out the back, all right?

46
00:03:35,800 --> 00:03:38,400
I bet you think I'm a fussy old woman.

47
00:03:38,400 --> 00:03:41,000
The woman bit never crossed my mind.

48
00:03:41,000 --> 00:03:43,600
Sometimes you have to make a stand.

49
00:03:44,760 --> 00:03:47,040
- Have you got any...? 
- BARKING

50
00:03:50,360 --> 00:03:52,200
I think the dog prefers Tesco's.

51
00:03:57,360 --> 00:03:59,600
How long are you going to be...?

52
00:04:11,760 --> 00:04:15,800
It's another little te-he-he-tip I owe you for.

53
00:04:21,440 --> 00:04:22,840
Ha ha.

54
00:04:22,840 --> 00:04:24,600
You happy now?

55
00:04:24,600 --> 00:04:27,880
You see, you're feeling monkey at me now because of this bread.

56
00:04:27,880 --> 00:04:31,560
You could have sold me that stale one if I hadn't have been too sharp.

57
00:04:33,280 --> 00:04:35,800
I know when I'm beaten.

58
00:04:35,800 --> 00:04:38,040
No hard feelings, eh?

59
00:04:38,040 --> 00:04:39,680
I like a good loser.

60
00:04:41,880 --> 00:04:43,960
What have you got for a wife in a paddy?

61
00:04:45,560 --> 00:04:47,360
You haven't upset her already, have you?

62
00:04:47,360 --> 00:04:50,120
She brought this one with her to bed last night.

63
00:04:51,960 --> 00:04:55,480
Eh up, Eric, you're up and about early, ain't you?

64
00:04:55,480 --> 00:04:59,360
Nicer outside. Weather's terrible indoors.

65
00:05:00,680 --> 00:05:02,240
You and all?

66
00:05:02,240 --> 00:05:03,800
You say one wrong word.

67
00:05:03,800 --> 00:05:06,440
Mine kicks off before you can even speak.

68
00:05:06,440 --> 00:05:09,200
You should speak first and don't stop.

69
00:05:09,200 --> 00:05:12,240
Don't give them any pauses, pauses are fatal.

70
00:05:13,240 --> 00:05:15,360
Anyway, what was this wrong word?

71
00:05:15,360 --> 00:05:17,120
Bridlington.

72
00:05:17,120 --> 00:05:19,240
What's wrong with Bridlington?

73
00:05:19,240 --> 00:05:21,960
She shook me awake and she said,

74
00:05:21,960 --> 00:05:25,120
"I want you to surprise me and spoil me

75
00:05:25,120 --> 00:05:28,560
"and take me somewhere for a magical new experience,"

76
00:05:28,560 --> 00:05:29,920
and all I said was...

77
00:05:29,920 --> 00:05:31,120
ALL: Bridlington.

78
00:05:36,360 --> 00:05:40,720
Arkwright's. This is where she let herself be ripped off,

79
00:05:40,720 --> 00:05:43,240
buying something he said was called "yaggis".

80
00:05:43,240 --> 00:05:45,520
Can't she see it was just salami?

81
00:05:45,520 --> 00:05:46,920
Silly woman.

82
00:05:49,640 --> 00:05:54,160
He's looking increasingly like your typical weirdo, just sitting there.

83
00:05:54,160 --> 00:05:58,600
I don't recognise the car. I'll see him off in a minute.

84
00:05:58,600 --> 00:06:01,760
Can you do that? Without your pole and away from your crossing?

85
00:06:01,760 --> 00:06:05,600
I don't see why not. He's away from wherever he belongs.

86
00:06:07,240 --> 00:06:10,200
Simple plain salami, how dim can she be?

87
00:06:10,200 --> 00:06:13,120
Not dim enough to come and complain personally, no,

88
00:06:13,120 --> 00:06:16,040
she has to send me. "Go and sort him out," she says,

89
00:06:16,040 --> 00:06:18,840
"get the money back, get an apology."

90
00:06:18,840 --> 00:06:22,800
Yaggis! Jordan, you married a dimwit,

91
00:06:22,800 --> 00:06:25,880
and now I have to go and punish this guy.

92
00:06:26,960 --> 00:06:28,480
GASTRIC YELLS

93
00:06:29,840 --> 00:06:32,880
Oh, begger, that sucks, good start.

94
00:06:32,880 --> 00:06:35,480
Let's hope there were no witnesses...

95
00:06:38,120 --> 00:06:39,440
We saw that.

96
00:06:39,440 --> 00:06:41,200
Saw you fling that door at him.

97
00:06:41,200 --> 00:06:44,360
Saw you sitting there waiting for him.

98
00:06:44,360 --> 00:06:46,840
Are you still unconscious, Gastric?

99
00:06:46,840 --> 00:06:48,600
Thank you for asking.

100
00:06:48,600 --> 00:06:51,440
I were wondering if anybody cared.

101
00:06:52,560 --> 00:06:54,240
HE GROANS

102
00:06:58,320 --> 00:07:02,560
48 battered tins of beans in chilli sauce to get rid of.

103
00:07:02,560 --> 00:07:06,720
Stay calm, Leroy. We have the technology.

104
00:07:09,480 --> 00:07:11,040
Hello, Mavis.

105
00:07:12,360 --> 00:07:13,640
Hello, Granville.

106
00:07:16,960 --> 00:07:19,600
Oh! Oh, yeah, right, yeah, yeah, sorry.

107
00:07:19,600 --> 00:07:23,760
Got to go and see to my fairy cakes.

108
00:07:23,760 --> 00:07:25,960
Nah, it's good to see you, Mavis.

109
00:07:25,960 --> 00:07:27,400
You too, Leroy.

110
00:07:34,760 --> 00:07:38,320
Where is she from whom there is no mercy?

111
00:07:38,320 --> 00:07:41,520
She's doing Kath's hair. Walnuts.

112
00:07:44,560 --> 00:07:45,760
Sorry?

113
00:07:45,760 --> 00:07:47,760
It's what I came in for, walnuts.

114
00:07:47,760 --> 00:07:51,160
- Ah.
- I thought I'd better get it in quick before I forget,

115
00:07:51,160 --> 00:07:52,600
you know what I'm like.

116
00:07:53,680 --> 00:07:56,840
And there was something else, but that's gone.

117
00:07:56,840 --> 00:08:00,160
It'll come back to you, and if it doesn't,

118
00:08:00,160 --> 00:08:02,280
I will.

119
00:08:04,600 --> 00:08:08,240
As long as you leave the window open just a fraction.

120
00:08:10,720 --> 00:08:13,520
No wonder I forget things, you make me blush.

121
00:08:14,760 --> 00:08:16,640
There is a cure.

122
00:08:16,640 --> 00:08:18,920
All you have to do is to close your eyes,

123
00:08:18,920 --> 00:08:21,760
say the magic word and when you open them,

124
00:08:21,760 --> 00:08:24,640
you're in this fairy-tale bedroom.

125
00:08:24,640 --> 00:08:28,120
Leroy says his and your bedrooms are full of boxes.

126
00:08:30,560 --> 00:08:35,280
Well, that's all right, I'll get rid of all of my boxes into Leroy's room

127
00:08:35,280 --> 00:08:38,600
and then I'll get some nice soft lighting

128
00:08:38,600 --> 00:08:41,280
and an alarm clock

129
00:08:41,280 --> 00:08:43,080
with a snooze button

130
00:08:43,080 --> 00:08:46,560
and some silk pyjamas.

131
00:08:46,560 --> 00:08:49,280
That's been knocked about a bit.

132
00:08:50,840 --> 00:08:53,200
It won't notice in silk pyjamas.

133
00:08:57,000 --> 00:08:59,960
Oh, you mean the tin?

134
00:08:59,960 --> 00:09:03,400
Yes, yes. Well, it's been in some rough hands.

135
00:09:03,400 --> 00:09:06,360
Oh, I know the feeling.

136
00:09:06,360 --> 00:09:08,920
Listen, talking about that.

137
00:09:08,920 --> 00:09:12,640
You know, when I look into your eyes,

138
00:09:12,640 --> 00:09:15,040
I see these great legs.

139
00:09:17,440 --> 00:09:19,920
- Have you got any...?
- No!

140
00:09:23,560 --> 00:09:25,320
You've lost a customer!

141
00:09:25,320 --> 00:09:28,840
Don't just stay there seducing me, go and get him back!

142
00:09:28,840 --> 00:09:32,120
Oh... Oh, all right.

143
00:09:34,920 --> 00:09:37,280
Oh... Ooh.

144
00:09:39,880 --> 00:09:42,720
Oh, this is a tough one, this!

145
00:09:42,720 --> 00:09:43,760
Go!

146
00:09:43,760 --> 00:09:46,440
Go, all right, yes.

147
00:09:54,240 --> 00:09:58,440
Balance seems all right. Is your head ringing, Gastric?

148
00:09:58,440 --> 00:10:01,120
If it is don't answer it, it'll be full of tripe.

149
00:10:02,480 --> 00:10:05,400
It's a good job you're built for punishment, Gastric,

150
00:10:05,400 --> 00:10:07,840
and you're not some jessie.

151
00:10:07,840 --> 00:10:09,920
Oh, I can't see any blood...

152
00:10:09,920 --> 00:10:11,520
No thanks to you.

153
00:10:11,520 --> 00:10:13,320
He looks unscratched to me.

154
00:10:13,320 --> 00:10:16,080
You must be a very aggressive personality,

155
00:10:16,080 --> 00:10:19,000
thrusting your door in other people's faces.

156
00:10:19,000 --> 00:10:20,440
I'm a pussycat.

157
00:10:20,440 --> 00:10:21,960
You want neutering then.

158
00:10:23,240 --> 00:10:25,480
It's a good job for you it's only Gastric

159
00:10:25,480 --> 00:10:27,680
and not somebody we really care about.

160
00:10:29,360 --> 00:10:31,120
Thank you, Mrs Featherstone.

161
00:10:31,120 --> 00:10:33,680
No offence, Gastric. We came to your rescue,

162
00:10:33,680 --> 00:10:35,280
we did everything you could

163
00:10:35,280 --> 00:10:38,080
reasonably expect from a casual acquaintance.

164
00:10:38,080 --> 00:10:41,840
We've got your number, Mister, in case he has a relapse later.

165
00:10:41,840 --> 00:10:45,040
Bring your bike, you'd better wheel it for a while.

166
00:10:48,640 --> 00:10:50,400
What would your mother think?

167
00:10:50,400 --> 00:10:51,600
She's dead.

168
00:10:51,600 --> 00:10:53,960
Well, that should've made her opinion clear enough.

169
00:11:11,800 --> 00:11:15,440
That's a bit of strenuous grocering. What you doing?

170
00:11:15,440 --> 00:11:19,000
Yes, I'm just dressing this tin.

171
00:11:19,000 --> 00:11:20,720
Dressing it?

172
00:11:20,720 --> 00:11:23,720
- Mm.
- You made a bog of it!

173
00:11:23,720 --> 00:11:27,120
If I told you this effect was precisely planned...

174
00:11:27,120 --> 00:11:29,840
- Do you mean you did it deliberately? 
- Yes.

175
00:11:29,840 --> 00:11:31,400
That was you banging this tin?

176
00:11:31,400 --> 00:11:33,280
Mm, and now I put it to one side,

177
00:11:33,280 --> 00:11:35,920
that's for tonight's supper, me and Leroy's.

178
00:11:35,920 --> 00:11:37,920
Ah, I'm glad you're not trying to sell it.

179
00:11:37,920 --> 00:11:42,760
Oh! Oh, no, no, no. I wouldn't waste this on people with low self cuisine.

180
00:11:46,800 --> 00:11:49,360
Oh, sorry, what is it I could get you, this?

181
00:11:49,360 --> 00:11:50,440
Er, aye, yeah.

182
00:11:50,440 --> 00:11:53,520
Right, there we go, that's just about right, thank you.

183
00:11:54,640 --> 00:11:57,480
How do you mean dressing it?

184
00:11:57,480 --> 00:12:00,080
Well, by putting the insertions in.

185
00:12:00,080 --> 00:12:01,160
Dents, you mean?

186
00:12:01,160 --> 00:12:03,880
Well, no, from the outside, they do look like dents, don't they?

187
00:12:03,880 --> 00:12:06,360
But from the inside they're insertions.

188
00:12:06,360 --> 00:12:08,480
Insertions into the contents.

189
00:12:10,320 --> 00:12:14,840
You know, authoritative people do say that it doubles the flavour.

190
00:12:17,040 --> 00:12:20,600
Give over, you do tell me some flannel.

191
00:12:21,880 --> 00:12:23,160
Oh, you're right, I mean,

192
00:12:23,160 --> 00:12:25,760
I don't think it doubles the flavour necessarily,

193
00:12:25,760 --> 00:12:28,720
but it certainly gives the contents a boost.

194
00:12:28,720 --> 00:12:30,640
Oh, yeah, mm.

195
00:12:32,120 --> 00:12:34,000
I shouldn't be telling you this

196
00:12:34,000 --> 00:12:37,680
because it's the best kept secret in the grocery trade.

197
00:12:37,680 --> 00:12:40,000
- How can...
- Impact.

198
00:12:40,000 --> 00:12:43,160
You see, it's all to do with its, like,

199
00:12:43,160 --> 00:12:45,400
you know, molecular structure,

200
00:12:45,400 --> 00:12:49,160
but I don't want to get into quantum physics with you.

201
00:12:51,760 --> 00:12:55,560
So they take you on holiday and if it's fine they want you to sit

202
00:12:55,560 --> 00:12:58,960
in a deck chair, and if it's wet they want you to sit in a pub.

203
00:12:58,960 --> 00:13:00,680
Mm, been there, done that.

204
00:13:00,680 --> 00:13:02,560
So you say, let's do something,

205
00:13:02,560 --> 00:13:06,280
so they offer you the choice of miniature golf or going fishing.

206
00:13:06,280 --> 00:13:09,560
All of a sudden, the deck chair looks better.

207
00:13:09,560 --> 00:13:12,960
We never went on holiday, he used to go by himself,

208
00:13:12,960 --> 00:13:14,800
he said I wouldn't enjoy it.

209
00:13:15,960 --> 00:13:18,240
You were stupid with him.

210
00:13:18,240 --> 00:13:21,240
According to him, I was stupid without him.

211
00:13:21,240 --> 00:13:25,880
No, you weren't. You just had low self esteem.

212
00:13:25,880 --> 00:13:30,720
Oh, ha! That's another thing, husbands have all the qualifications

213
00:13:30,720 --> 00:13:34,560
to have low self esteem, so how come they don't have any?

214
00:13:34,560 --> 00:13:37,440
He had self esteem enough for both of us.

215
00:13:37,440 --> 00:13:41,200
Well, they do, they sit around all day but you're supposed

216
00:13:41,200 --> 00:13:45,920
to recognise that underneath they're still this dynamic, athletic figure.

217
00:13:45,920 --> 00:13:48,520
Not easy when you're ironing their underwear.

218
00:13:50,840 --> 00:13:53,480
Well, I've told Eric, he's on notice.

219
00:13:53,480 --> 00:13:56,440
We're not going anywhere till he wakes his ideas up.

220
00:13:58,360 --> 00:14:01,040
Best kept secret of the grocery trade.

221
00:14:01,040 --> 00:14:03,120
I thought that was food poisoning.

222
00:14:04,480 --> 00:14:06,240
He's asked me to keep it quiet.

223
00:14:06,240 --> 00:14:08,720
I'm not supposed to be flashing this about.

224
00:14:09,880 --> 00:14:13,200
He dressed this one for me as a favour.

225
00:14:15,080 --> 00:14:16,640
So explain to me how...

226
00:14:16,640 --> 00:14:20,600
It's a molecular thing, let's not get into quantum physics, eh?

227
00:14:20,600 --> 00:14:22,280
Well, fine by me.

228
00:14:23,920 --> 00:14:26,840
It doubles the flavour. It's worth a try.

229
00:14:29,200 --> 00:14:32,440
I've got one at home that could do with her flavour improving.

230
00:14:32,440 --> 00:14:34,800
Me too, a few years under your belt

231
00:14:34,800 --> 00:14:38,160
and they think that you've lost all your fizz and sparkle.

232
00:14:38,160 --> 00:14:40,520
Has he got any more?

233
00:14:40,520 --> 00:14:42,120
It's supposed to be a trade secret.

234
00:14:42,120 --> 00:14:44,840
Hey, I'm tight-lipped.

235
00:14:44,840 --> 00:14:48,600
I'm a sphinx. Ask the wife.

236
00:14:48,600 --> 00:14:52,040
she's always looking at me and demanding, "Well, say something."

237
00:15:05,120 --> 00:15:07,000
Look, I'm supposed to be delivering.

238
00:15:07,000 --> 00:15:09,280
If you'd stop struggling, I am delivering.

239
00:15:14,240 --> 00:15:15,800
You're getting married soon.

240
00:15:15,800 --> 00:15:17,600
I know, I can't wait.

241
00:15:22,480 --> 00:15:24,800
Oh, I've forgotten what the next address is now.

242
00:15:24,800 --> 00:15:27,040
- Am I disturbing you?
- Yes.

243
00:15:27,040 --> 00:15:28,640
- Good.
- It's not good.

244
00:15:28,640 --> 00:15:30,360
Oh, come on, it's not bad.

245
00:15:32,240 --> 00:15:33,720
Yeah.

246
00:15:35,840 --> 00:15:39,680
Men, and I say this from several unfortunate experiences,

247
00:15:39,680 --> 00:15:41,680
are peculiar.

248
00:15:41,680 --> 00:15:43,320
Well, they look peculiar from some

249
00:15:43,320 --> 00:15:45,160
of the angles a nurse has to get used to.

250
00:15:45,160 --> 00:15:47,480
Oh, I couldn't be doing with angles like that.

251
00:15:47,480 --> 00:15:50,120
For me, they have to be in suit and tie.

252
00:15:50,120 --> 00:15:51,720
Even in bed?

253
00:15:51,720 --> 00:15:54,480
Well, if you buy them the right pyjamas,

254
00:15:54,480 --> 00:15:56,800
there's almost as much material.

255
00:15:56,800 --> 00:16:00,120
There's a measure of safety in thick flannelette.

256
00:16:00,120 --> 00:16:03,080
You're wary of men, yet you married three times.

257
00:16:03,080 --> 00:16:05,480
That's like banging your head repeatedly.

258
00:16:05,480 --> 00:16:08,200
I suppose I must be a romantic.

259
00:16:08,200 --> 00:16:11,440
They look so attractive in that moment that you first see

260
00:16:11,440 --> 00:16:13,000
that they're easily led.

261
00:16:13,000 --> 00:16:16,080
Speaking of which, how is Mr Newbold?

262
00:16:16,080 --> 00:16:19,080
No sign of him yet coming in number four,

263
00:16:19,080 --> 00:16:20,960
but I'll bring him round.

264
00:16:20,960 --> 00:16:23,520
I'll show him my softer Delphine.

265
00:16:23,520 --> 00:16:24,960
That we'd all like to see.

266
00:16:24,960 --> 00:16:28,200
It's like learning Hitler was a dress designer.

267
00:16:29,600 --> 00:16:32,880
Oh, it's there, just needs the right man to bring it out.

268
00:16:32,880 --> 00:16:35,720
I wasn't called Pixie for nothing.

269
00:16:35,720 --> 00:16:39,400
Pixie?! Who called you Pixie?

270
00:16:39,400 --> 00:16:43,160
My second husband, the one who was knocked down by a bus.

271
00:16:43,160 --> 00:16:46,760
Not surprised if he couldn't see better than that.

272
00:16:46,760 --> 00:16:50,480
I remember him heavily bandaged in hospital.

273
00:16:50,480 --> 00:16:54,240
He saw me coming and through his pain he said...

274
00:16:54,240 --> 00:16:57,080
"Pixie."

275
00:16:57,080 --> 00:17:00,440
Doctor claimed what he said was "pig sick."

276
00:17:01,640 --> 00:17:03,560
But she disliked me

277
00:17:03,560 --> 00:17:06,120
because I'd queried his urine sample.

278
00:17:09,080 --> 00:17:11,920
I ran into Cyril, he tried to hide it

279
00:17:11,920 --> 00:17:14,480
but I could see this battered tin.

280
00:17:14,480 --> 00:17:17,240
Yes, in the trade we call it a dressed tin.

281
00:17:17,240 --> 00:17:22,160
Oh, and then I ran into Eric and I saw his...dressed tin.

282
00:17:22,160 --> 00:17:25,520
- But I could see that he didn't want to talk about it either.
- Oh.

283
00:17:25,520 --> 00:17:27,800
Which always makes you curious.

284
00:17:27,800 --> 00:17:31,960
And you don't like asking but I made an exception.

285
00:17:34,480 --> 00:17:37,240
Well, I see that you've got me over a barrel,

286
00:17:37,240 --> 00:17:41,880
I suppose I could always, I could always dress another tin.

287
00:17:41,880 --> 00:17:43,520
Yes, yes, yeah.

288
00:17:43,520 --> 00:17:46,680
What about beans in chilli sauce?

289
00:17:46,680 --> 00:17:48,560
Oh, lovely!

290
00:17:48,560 --> 00:17:52,920
Right, OK, let's have a look at this one then. Mm.

291
00:17:55,800 --> 00:18:00,720
Oh yes, this looks like it needs the Mittelhauser procedure.

292
00:18:02,240 --> 00:18:03,760
Mittelhauser?

293
00:18:03,760 --> 00:18:07,160
Oh, yes, yes. Carl Adelbert Mittelhauser, yes.

294
00:18:09,480 --> 00:18:12,120
Very famous tin dresser.

295
00:18:12,120 --> 00:18:16,760
He was tin dresser to Mad King Ludwig of Bavaria.

296
00:18:16,760 --> 00:18:19,320
He used to dress all his tins, you know?

297
00:18:19,320 --> 00:18:22,520
Yes. Got a medal for it, and a pension.

298
00:18:24,520 --> 00:18:27,320
He helped him marry his childhood sweetheart.

299
00:18:27,320 --> 00:18:28,880
Ah.

300
00:18:28,880 --> 00:18:30,360
Yeah, just in time.

301
00:18:30,360 --> 00:18:31,960
Oh.

302
00:18:31,960 --> 00:18:34,920
Yeah. Right, OK, let's see now.

303
00:18:38,480 --> 00:18:43,920
I think this one needs the Mittelhauser transverse opening blow,

304
00:18:43,920 --> 00:18:48,280
which I'm about to execute as we speak, all right.

305
00:19:14,040 --> 00:19:15,400
- Oh, yes.
- Oh!

306
00:19:15,400 --> 00:19:17,760
- There you are, that should do it, yes.
- Oh.

307
00:19:17,760 --> 00:19:20,000
- Put it in your bag, yes. 
- Oh, oh, thank you, Granville.

308
00:19:20,000 --> 00:19:21,960
Yes, shh, don't let anybody see it.

309
00:19:21,960 --> 00:19:25,280
- No, I won't. 
- All right, yes. Shh!

310
00:19:27,280 --> 00:19:30,360
Oh, look, it's the smiley twins.

311
00:19:32,840 --> 00:19:36,960
If you're looking for assisted dying, it's that way up the road.

312
00:19:36,960 --> 00:19:40,040
- We're having a problem with our image.
- Oh?

313
00:19:40,040 --> 00:19:42,040
There's been some loss of respect.

314
00:19:42,040 --> 00:19:44,120
Which is totally undeserved.

315
00:19:44,120 --> 00:19:45,840
She thinks I'm a muppet.

316
00:19:45,840 --> 00:19:48,600
I think he's a muppet but I'm not married to him

317
00:19:48,600 --> 00:19:52,640
so I think his resentment is justified.

318
00:19:52,640 --> 00:19:54,920
Thank you, fellow muppet.

319
00:19:54,920 --> 00:19:59,480
We're in the deep doo-doo, Granville.

320
00:19:59,480 --> 00:20:02,200
She didn't like that dressed tin.

321
00:20:02,200 --> 00:20:04,880
Mine hadn't even heard of quantum physics.

322
00:20:06,520 --> 00:20:10,280
What can you do when you've lost that electric attraction

323
00:20:10,280 --> 00:20:12,120
you once had for your woman?

324
00:20:12,120 --> 00:20:14,240
Fuses have been blown, Granville.

325
00:20:16,760 --> 00:20:21,040
And I can tell you why, that is, if you've come here to spend

326
00:20:21,040 --> 00:20:23,200
and not fritter my time away.

327
00:20:24,320 --> 00:20:26,960
We'll spend, if we have to...

328
00:20:26,960 --> 00:20:28,960
And within reason.

329
00:20:28,960 --> 00:20:31,360
You see, there's your problem already.

330
00:20:31,360 --> 00:20:34,280
You're not spontaneous enough.

331
00:20:34,280 --> 00:20:38,240
You're not reckless, you're too cautions.

332
00:20:38,240 --> 00:20:40,520
I've got a mountain bike with ten speeds.

333
00:20:42,120 --> 00:20:46,920
I've got a pair of boxer shorts with a map of the London Underground on.

334
00:20:46,920 --> 00:20:51,880
When was the last time that you two surprised your wives?

335
00:20:53,080 --> 00:20:57,240
Well, every time I do she has a headache.

336
00:20:57,240 --> 00:20:59,880
It's not easy with the mother on the premises.

337
00:20:59,880 --> 00:21:03,880
Well, you've lost your shock value, you see, that's your problem.

338
00:21:03,880 --> 00:21:06,600
You've given up, they're bored with your routine,

339
00:21:06,600 --> 00:21:09,160
you, you need to shake 'em up a bit.

340
00:21:09,160 --> 00:21:12,720
You're talking about a wife who can pop a vicious left jab here.

341
00:21:13,960 --> 00:21:19,520
It'll have to be a shake that didn't trigger any violent countermeasures.

342
00:21:19,520 --> 00:21:23,280
Think back to when they thought that you were the man.

343
00:21:23,280 --> 00:21:26,000
Think back to when you were courting them

344
00:21:26,000 --> 00:21:31,160
and you used to surprise them, you know, with little gifts, eh?

345
00:21:31,160 --> 00:21:32,440
Mm.

346
00:21:37,200 --> 00:21:39,640
Hey! Hey up! Spend!

347
00:21:49,640 --> 00:21:51,600
Hello, a new face.

348
00:21:51,600 --> 00:21:55,160
You sold my wife something you called yaggis.

349
00:21:56,520 --> 00:21:58,240
It was salami.

350
00:21:58,240 --> 00:22:02,760
Ah, you see now one of the advantages of yaggis,

351
00:22:02,760 --> 00:22:05,640
apart from its erotic effects...

352
00:22:07,440 --> 00:22:10,960
..is that it looks and tastes like salami.

353
00:22:12,480 --> 00:22:13,920
Erotic effects?

354
00:22:19,480 --> 00:22:21,920
You didn't notice?

355
00:22:21,920 --> 00:22:23,000
I didn't eat it.

356
00:22:23,000 --> 00:22:26,400
Well, it is advisable to eat it together, unless of course

357
00:22:26,400 --> 00:22:30,440
you want your partner to achieve lift off unilaterally.

358
00:22:32,200 --> 00:22:35,920
Has she been, er, sneaking out more recently?

359
00:22:35,920 --> 00:22:38,800
Well, she plays golf, I wouldn't call that sneaking out.

360
00:22:38,800 --> 00:22:40,840
Oh, more golf than usual?

361
00:22:40,840 --> 00:22:42,560
She's got a tournament coming.

362
00:22:42,560 --> 00:22:45,880
Ah. More golf.

363
00:22:47,200 --> 00:22:51,600
I think you're going to need half a yaggis, you need to play catch up.

364
00:22:51,600 --> 00:22:53,440
Oh, I'm not falling for that.

365
00:22:53,440 --> 00:22:56,080
You're not dealing with some dozy female now.

366
00:23:03,440 --> 00:23:07,040
Oh, er, sir, just, just a moment.

367
00:23:07,040 --> 00:23:10,640
Guess what he had for breakfast.

368
00:23:23,320 --> 00:23:25,360
Of course she's golfing.

369
00:23:25,360 --> 00:23:28,760
If she tells me she's going golfing then she's golfing.

370
00:23:28,760 --> 00:23:31,320
She takes that pricey set of clubs with her,

371
00:23:31,320 --> 00:23:33,160
where else would she be going?

372
00:23:35,360 --> 00:23:38,080
Lois? Where are you?

373
00:23:38,080 --> 00:23:40,920
What do you mean, "What do you mean, 'where are you?'"

374
00:23:40,920 --> 00:23:43,520
A husband's entitled to know where his wife is.

375
00:23:46,280 --> 00:23:50,360
You sound out of breath, Lois. Why are you breathing heavy?

376
00:23:50,360 --> 00:23:52,040
But how do I know you're golfing.

377
00:23:59,400 --> 00:24:02,280
She is golfing, I just called her.

378
00:24:02,280 --> 00:24:05,560
Healthy, outdoors, innocent activity.

379
00:24:05,560 --> 00:24:08,320
I know she's outdoors, I heard the birds singing.

380
00:24:09,880 --> 00:24:12,920
A-ha, yes, sunshine, fresh air.

381
00:24:12,920 --> 00:24:14,240
Exactly.

382
00:24:14,240 --> 00:24:17,560
Birds singing. Yeah.

383
00:24:17,560 --> 00:24:21,960
I'm thinking picnic, you know, a lot of goodies spread

384
00:24:21,960 --> 00:24:25,920
out on a blanket, maybe a bottle of wine...

385
00:24:27,520 --> 00:24:29,520
clink of glasses...

386
00:24:31,560 --> 00:24:34,760
A female voice huskier than usual,

387
00:24:36,520 --> 00:24:38,560
murmuring contentedly.

388
00:24:44,280 --> 00:24:46,200
It's a simple question, Lois!

389
00:24:46,200 --> 00:24:48,840
How much of that damned yaggis have you been eating?

390
00:24:48,840 --> 00:24:52,000
He admits it tastes like salami! That's one effect.

391
00:24:52,000 --> 00:24:54,400
But what about the other?

392
00:24:54,400 --> 00:24:58,640
Oh, don't come the innocent, you know what other!

393
00:24:58,640 --> 00:25:02,640
Don't tell me you haven't been enjoying a bit of the other.

394
00:25:02,640 --> 00:25:05,720
I heard the birds singing, the clink of glasses!

395
00:25:07,040 --> 00:25:10,040
Don't you dare hang up on me. Lois!

396
00:25:10,040 --> 00:25:11,480
Lois!

397
00:25:18,120 --> 00:25:19,360
CAR HORN

398
00:25:58,960 --> 00:26:01,480
Ye gods, that yaggis!

399
00:26:24,880 --> 00:26:26,640
Chuff me, they're all on it.

400
00:26:29,160 --> 00:26:32,240
Ah, Granville, I won't keep you a moment.

401
00:26:32,240 --> 00:26:34,120
Before I go to Mr Newbold,

402
00:26:34,120 --> 00:26:37,320
I want to remind you what you could be missing.

403
00:26:50,600 --> 00:26:52,720
When are you expecting more yaggis?

404
00:26:52,720 --> 00:26:56,400
I could let you have some of that till we get the next delivery.

405
00:26:56,400 --> 00:26:59,040
- I'll take it. 
- Good for you. Ha.

406
00:27:05,720 --> 00:27:10,800
'They've been googling Mittelhauser, Carl Adelbert.

407
00:27:10,800 --> 00:27:14,080
'Huh, it's getting harder to pull their legs.

408
00:27:17,160 --> 00:27:19,640
'It's a nice night,

409
00:27:19,640 --> 00:27:22,840
'I hope there's someone out there enjoying his yaggis.

410
00:27:24,720 --> 00:27:27,560
'If you're listening, Arkwright, don't throw a wobbler

411
00:27:27,560 --> 00:27:30,960
'but I thought I might surprise Mavis with a holiday.

412
00:27:35,560 --> 00:27:37,880
'Or maybe a day trip.'

413
00:27:41,800 --> 00:27:44,880
Oh, fish and chips?

414
00:27:44,880 --> 00:27:46,320
My turn.

415
00:27:46,320 --> 00:27:48,120
Oh.

416
00:28:02,640 --> 00:28:06,400
'Oh, Lord, I love a generous woman.'