1 00:00:13,280 --> 00:00:14,520 Hello. Look at that. 2 00:00:15,880 --> 00:00:18,920 Ooh, she's got a powerful left hand, that Mrs Willis. 3 00:00:20,000 --> 00:00:23,880 You have to marvel at the chemistry that could bring those two together. 4 00:00:23,880 --> 00:00:26,200 Yeah, apparently they met at Butlins. 5 00:00:26,200 --> 00:00:29,760 He said that she looked like Marilyn Monroe. 6 00:00:29,760 --> 00:00:31,200 Give over! 7 00:00:31,200 --> 00:00:33,240 Marilyn Monroe were gorgeous. 8 00:00:33,240 --> 00:00:36,480 Mrs Willis looks more like Marilyn Manson. 9 00:00:36,480 --> 00:00:39,520 Yeah, but you're forgetting the power of Butlins. 10 00:00:39,520 --> 00:00:42,320 Those chalets were like incubators. 11 00:00:42,320 --> 00:00:46,040 Do you know it was the first time in British social history that 12 00:00:46,040 --> 00:00:48,560 lovers were free from damp grass? 13 00:00:50,840 --> 00:00:53,080 Maybe she did look like Marilyn Monroe. 14 00:00:53,080 --> 00:00:54,120 In the dark. 15 00:00:58,360 --> 00:00:59,760 - I do love a happy ending. - Mmm. 16 00:01:03,280 --> 00:01:04,320 Hi, Leroy. 17 00:01:06,920 --> 00:01:07,960 Hi, Wendy. 18 00:01:09,040 --> 00:01:11,880 That's a lot of Wendy to be saying hi to, isn't it? 19 00:01:12,920 --> 00:01:16,240 That is number 37, Hazelwood drive. 20 00:01:16,240 --> 00:01:17,480 Divorced. 21 00:01:17,480 --> 00:01:18,920 Just moved in. 22 00:01:18,920 --> 00:01:22,640 Well, remember, she may look like that now... 23 00:01:22,640 --> 00:01:27,320 but inside there's an old Mrs Willis waiting to come out. 24 00:01:47,200 --> 00:01:48,640 HE BREATHES DEEPLY 25 00:01:53,040 --> 00:01:56,400 There was somebody wearing perfume in this doorway last night. 26 00:01:56,400 --> 00:01:58,320 Could be him from Sprotbrough. 27 00:01:59,640 --> 00:02:02,160 Actually, it was her with me. 28 00:02:02,160 --> 00:02:04,360 Elaine. 29 00:02:04,360 --> 00:02:06,720 Ooh, she always smells good enough to make you forget people 30 00:02:06,720 --> 00:02:08,000 not called Elaine. 31 00:02:09,080 --> 00:02:12,840 Oh, well, let's see what sort of mood Arkwright's in this morning. 32 00:02:12,840 --> 00:02:14,080 Oh! 33 00:02:17,720 --> 00:02:20,680 Who's had a bad night, then? 34 00:02:20,680 --> 00:02:22,600 Short, as usual. 35 00:02:22,600 --> 00:02:25,120 Just remember, if you were longer in bed 36 00:02:25,120 --> 00:02:26,560 your pyjamas wouldn't fit. 37 00:02:28,600 --> 00:02:32,800 I could be reclining on a hammock, in some warm country, 38 00:02:32,800 --> 00:02:34,320 with Scarlett Johansson. 39 00:02:34,320 --> 00:02:36,400 What, on one hammock? 40 00:02:36,400 --> 00:02:38,800 Well, we're saving up for a mortgage. 41 00:02:38,800 --> 00:02:41,040 She doesn't want to live over the shop. 42 00:02:41,040 --> 00:02:44,040 Although I've told her we'll move the boxes of baked beans. 43 00:02:44,040 --> 00:02:47,320 You don't dream like a grocer, you. 44 00:02:47,320 --> 00:02:49,840 Some of my best ideas come at night. 45 00:02:49,840 --> 00:02:50,880 And mine. 46 00:02:52,760 --> 00:02:57,120 While you're snoring I'm practising advanced grocery. 47 00:02:57,120 --> 00:03:00,320 You know, plotting and scheming for this business? 48 00:03:00,320 --> 00:03:01,960 You know what the trouble is? 49 00:03:01,960 --> 00:03:04,560 We've no room for expansion. 50 00:03:04,560 --> 00:03:06,760 I'm not surprised, on one hammock. 51 00:03:06,760 --> 00:03:09,800 Have you never thought about moving to bigger premises? 52 00:03:09,800 --> 00:03:11,680 TILL BANGS COINS SCATTER 53 00:03:15,680 --> 00:03:17,160 Now look what you've done. 54 00:03:17,160 --> 00:03:18,840 You know he's had a bad night! 55 00:03:21,520 --> 00:03:23,760 He didn't mean it. 56 00:03:23,760 --> 00:03:26,360 It was just, you know, off the top of his head. 57 00:03:27,440 --> 00:03:29,200 Bit of mental dandruff. 58 00:03:31,280 --> 00:03:33,800 You know what they're like, at his age. 59 00:03:33,800 --> 00:03:34,840 Hmm? 60 00:03:35,840 --> 00:03:37,360 Lucky be-be-beggar. 61 00:03:41,000 --> 00:03:43,120 What have you been buying now? 62 00:03:43,120 --> 00:03:44,480 Well, what have you got? 63 00:03:44,480 --> 00:03:45,720 "Little Jump-start. 64 00:03:45,720 --> 00:03:48,960 "Electronic assistance for tired feelings. 65 00:03:48,960 --> 00:03:51,640 "Turn your thoughts into muscular activity." 66 00:03:51,640 --> 00:03:53,760 Oh, "Batteries not included." 67 00:03:53,760 --> 00:03:56,960 Hey, hey - we sell batteries, don't we, eh? 68 00:03:56,960 --> 00:03:58,320 "Bored with life? 69 00:03:58,320 --> 00:04:00,680 "You need a Little Jump-start. 70 00:04:00,680 --> 00:04:02,880 "Scientific way to boost lost feelings." 71 00:04:02,880 --> 00:04:04,720 Who is going to fall for that? 72 00:04:04,720 --> 00:04:06,080 Apart from you. 73 00:04:06,080 --> 00:04:07,560 Well, it doesn't matter, does it? 74 00:04:07,560 --> 00:04:10,880 I mean, if they don't work we can say they're... 75 00:04:10,880 --> 00:04:12,800 mognamite detectors. 76 00:04:14,880 --> 00:04:16,080 Mognamite? 77 00:04:16,080 --> 00:04:20,040 It's a little-known gas that seeps out of old wardrobes 78 00:04:20,040 --> 00:04:22,280 and discarded knee bandages. 79 00:04:24,160 --> 00:04:25,880 Right, what's it say? 80 00:04:25,880 --> 00:04:27,960 "Just carry in pocket. 81 00:04:27,960 --> 00:04:30,000 "Do not exceed the recommended." 82 00:04:30,000 --> 00:04:31,760 The recommended what? 83 00:04:31,760 --> 00:04:33,720 It doesn't say. Just ends there. 84 00:04:33,720 --> 00:04:35,520 Oh. All right. Well, never mind. 85 00:04:35,520 --> 00:04:38,200 Go on - put a battery in and then you can try it. 86 00:04:41,480 --> 00:04:42,560 Me? 87 00:04:42,560 --> 00:04:43,800 Well, you'll be all right, 88 00:04:43,800 --> 00:04:46,360 as long as you don't exceed the recommended. 89 00:04:48,560 --> 00:04:50,920 Why don't we both try one? 90 00:04:50,920 --> 00:04:52,040 All right, OK. 91 00:05:07,640 --> 00:05:09,000 You've bought a turkey again. 92 00:05:09,000 --> 00:05:10,240 BELL JINGLES 93 00:05:13,400 --> 00:05:15,720 Oh, hiya. You must be Granville. 94 00:05:15,720 --> 00:05:19,360 Yes. And you must be Hazelwood Drive. 95 00:05:19,360 --> 00:05:21,240 That's right - number 37. 96 00:05:21,240 --> 00:05:23,240 - Wendy. - Oh. 97 00:05:23,240 --> 00:05:24,960 You run a good business here. 98 00:05:24,960 --> 00:05:27,880 And I like your taste in Leroys. 99 00:05:27,880 --> 00:05:30,400 Well, he's the only one I've got, 100 00:05:30,400 --> 00:05:33,440 so I'd like him back in good condition. 101 00:05:33,440 --> 00:05:36,040 Yeah, well, I'll be home later, awaiting his delivery. 102 00:05:36,040 --> 00:05:37,800 Tell him to add a bottle of vodka, all right? 103 00:05:37,800 --> 00:05:39,720 Yes, he likes vodka. 104 00:05:39,720 --> 00:05:41,000 - I know. - Oh. 105 00:05:41,000 --> 00:05:42,040 - Bye. - Bye. 106 00:05:43,160 --> 00:05:44,520 BELL JINGLES 107 00:05:48,240 --> 00:05:49,840 Hey... 108 00:05:49,840 --> 00:05:53,040 I don't know how you can say we don't need more space. 109 00:05:53,040 --> 00:05:54,560 LEROY SNIFFS 110 00:05:56,080 --> 00:05:57,400 Wendy! 111 00:05:57,400 --> 00:05:58,840 Now, listen to me - 112 00:05:58,840 --> 00:06:01,200 you pack in that vodka. 113 00:06:01,200 --> 00:06:02,800 She's going to be a good customer. 114 00:06:02,800 --> 00:06:04,640 Nice woman. 115 00:06:04,640 --> 00:06:07,760 "Nice" is not the first thing that springs to mind. 116 00:06:09,160 --> 00:06:11,280 I know what you mean. 117 00:06:11,280 --> 00:06:12,680 CRACKLE OF ELECTRICITY 118 00:06:14,440 --> 00:06:15,560 Hey! 119 00:06:18,000 --> 00:06:20,440 - What was that? - Hmm? What was what? 120 00:06:20,440 --> 00:06:24,000 Come on, you were thinking certain thoughts and your arm shot up. 121 00:06:24,000 --> 00:06:25,360 Well, so were you! 122 00:06:25,360 --> 00:06:26,640 You were thinking something 123 00:06:26,640 --> 00:06:28,760 and your knee nearly went through the ceiling! 124 00:06:28,760 --> 00:06:32,360 It is a perfectly innocent grocer-client relationship. 125 00:06:32,360 --> 00:06:34,080 Yeah - just like you and Mavis. 126 00:06:34,080 --> 00:06:35,760 Oh, rubbish! 127 00:06:35,760 --> 00:06:36,800 CRACKLE OF ELECTRICITY 128 00:06:36,800 --> 00:06:38,600 Hey! 129 00:06:38,600 --> 00:06:40,560 There you go. You see? 130 00:06:40,560 --> 00:06:43,320 - Saucy thoughts and... - HE WHISTLES 131 00:06:44,600 --> 00:06:46,320 They get electronically assisted. 132 00:06:46,320 --> 00:06:47,640 Hmm? 133 00:06:47,640 --> 00:06:49,280 "A little muscular Jump-start." 134 00:06:49,280 --> 00:06:50,880 Hey... 135 00:06:50,880 --> 00:06:52,000 It's these things. 136 00:06:53,120 --> 00:06:54,240 Oh... 137 00:06:54,240 --> 00:06:56,160 Eh up! 138 00:06:56,160 --> 00:06:58,040 This might be useful, this. 139 00:07:00,880 --> 00:07:04,120 It's very odd to find you've got a leg with its own agenda. 140 00:07:05,280 --> 00:07:09,040 A lot of people think that's always been your problem. 141 00:07:09,040 --> 00:07:11,440 And who have they heard it from? Eh? 142 00:07:11,440 --> 00:07:12,720 - You. - Yes, well, 143 00:07:12,720 --> 00:07:15,600 I'm just trying to keep you away from elderly women. 144 00:07:15,600 --> 00:07:17,360 Wendy is 35. 145 00:07:17,360 --> 00:07:19,960 Yes, well, so was that old Mrs Willis and... 146 00:07:19,960 --> 00:07:21,600 look what's happened to her. 147 00:07:23,720 --> 00:07:25,440 And I am not mixed up. 148 00:07:25,440 --> 00:07:27,360 She merely invited me in for coffee. 149 00:07:27,360 --> 00:07:30,680 A good-looking woman, yeah, but what's underneath? 150 00:07:30,680 --> 00:07:32,560 Actually, she's not my type. 151 00:07:32,560 --> 00:07:34,720 Oh, pull the other one, will you? 152 00:07:34,720 --> 00:07:38,440 I tell you what - if I were your age, she'd certainly be my type. 153 00:07:38,440 --> 00:07:39,840 CRACKLE OF ELECTRICITY 154 00:07:41,800 --> 00:07:43,080 BELL JINGLES 155 00:07:48,840 --> 00:07:50,520 Ah, the happy couple. 156 00:07:50,520 --> 00:07:52,480 Ooh, don't let's jump the gun. 157 00:07:52,480 --> 00:07:55,560 Mr Newbold is entitled to only very limited pleasure in these 158 00:07:55,560 --> 00:07:58,440 early stages of our relationship. 159 00:07:58,440 --> 00:08:00,600 Limited pleasure. 160 00:08:00,600 --> 00:08:01,880 I can testify to that. 161 00:08:03,080 --> 00:08:06,360 A lot to look forward to, though. Eh, Mr Newbold? 162 00:08:06,360 --> 00:08:07,400 Yes, isn't there? 163 00:08:08,840 --> 00:08:10,720 I've told him he'll have to pace himself. 164 00:08:10,720 --> 00:08:12,840 I will allow no liberties 165 00:08:12,840 --> 00:08:14,000 before legalities. 166 00:08:15,000 --> 00:08:17,440 Except...under special circumstances. 167 00:08:21,040 --> 00:08:22,440 CRACKLE OF ELECTRICITY 168 00:08:32,760 --> 00:08:34,640 Am I disturbing you, Granville? 169 00:08:35,760 --> 00:08:37,840 No, no, it's just a, just a twitch. 170 00:08:39,240 --> 00:08:42,040 I always say just a twitch is better than none. 171 00:08:46,840 --> 00:08:49,560 Aren't we neglecting Mr Newbold? 172 00:08:49,560 --> 00:08:51,520 Yes, please do... 173 00:08:51,520 --> 00:08:53,400 carry on. 174 00:08:53,400 --> 00:08:56,560 I've recently begun to see the benefits of neglect. 175 00:08:57,600 --> 00:09:00,280 Being on my own, abandoned. 176 00:09:00,280 --> 00:09:03,440 Pay no attention. He has these little outbursts. 177 00:09:03,440 --> 00:09:05,720 But I'm reducing his carbohydrates. 178 00:09:05,720 --> 00:09:08,120 She is. I can feel them shrinking. 179 00:09:10,320 --> 00:09:14,520 Now, we're here, Granville, because Mr Newbold has a problem. 180 00:09:14,520 --> 00:09:15,560 I'll say. 181 00:09:21,080 --> 00:09:24,480 Mr Newbold has excessive gravity in his underwear. 182 00:09:26,640 --> 00:09:29,000 That sounds serious. 183 00:09:29,000 --> 00:09:31,920 Well, look at him - struggling with it now. 184 00:09:31,920 --> 00:09:35,160 Mr Newbold's boxer shorts are forever on their way down. 185 00:09:36,480 --> 00:09:42,160 Forgivable, surely, in the first flush of excitement of meeting you. 186 00:09:42,160 --> 00:09:44,560 They're falling down on their own initiative. 187 00:09:44,560 --> 00:09:47,200 They're not party to any excitement. 188 00:09:47,200 --> 00:09:51,040 And I don't see why the state of my underwear should go public. 189 00:09:51,040 --> 00:09:53,360 Nonsense! We have to find a cure. 190 00:09:53,360 --> 00:09:56,880 Can't have you squirming down the street. 191 00:09:56,880 --> 00:09:58,200 Look as if you're pole dancing. 192 00:09:59,680 --> 00:10:01,160 Have you thought of buying new? 193 00:10:01,160 --> 00:10:04,200 No, he has this absurd sentimental attachment to them. 194 00:10:04,200 --> 00:10:06,080 It's only the elastic gone a bit. 195 00:10:06,080 --> 00:10:08,320 Otherwise they're perfectly sound. 196 00:10:08,320 --> 00:10:10,680 Right, now, listen - if you call back later, 197 00:10:10,680 --> 00:10:15,920 I may have the solution, fresh from my supplier. 198 00:10:15,920 --> 00:10:18,480 Fear not, we will stabilise his underwear. 199 00:10:18,480 --> 00:10:19,520 Well, I hope so, 200 00:10:19,520 --> 00:10:22,200 cos I don't want people thinking I'm behind his loose underwear. 201 00:10:23,520 --> 00:10:25,880 I don't want anyone behind me. 202 00:10:25,880 --> 00:10:28,080 I don't want anyone within miles of me. 203 00:10:28,080 --> 00:10:30,200 Oh, stop panicking. 204 00:10:30,200 --> 00:10:31,880 I'm here for you, aren't I? 205 00:10:37,680 --> 00:10:39,960 - Biscuit? - Oh, thank you. 206 00:10:39,960 --> 00:10:43,640 What is it about your husband and your relatives? 207 00:10:43,640 --> 00:10:46,080 Why is there always this iron curtain? 208 00:10:46,080 --> 00:10:48,120 Well, I'm not qualified to speak, 209 00:10:48,120 --> 00:10:51,880 but isn't picking a husband a bit like impulse buying? 210 00:10:51,880 --> 00:10:54,320 Can you really be surprised if your family thinks, 211 00:10:54,320 --> 00:10:57,000 "What the heck did she buy that for?" 212 00:10:57,000 --> 00:11:00,200 I can understand my lot being dubious about Eric. 213 00:11:00,200 --> 00:11:02,760 I mean, let's face it - I'm dubious about Eric. 214 00:11:02,760 --> 00:11:04,920 No, you're not. You love him. 215 00:11:04,920 --> 00:11:06,120 Keep your voice down. 216 00:11:06,120 --> 00:11:07,640 I try and hide it. 217 00:11:07,640 --> 00:11:09,760 You do pretty well, normally. 218 00:11:09,760 --> 00:11:10,800 Oh, thank you. 219 00:11:13,360 --> 00:11:14,560 I don't get it. 220 00:11:14,560 --> 00:11:16,560 What have we got for assisting gentleman 221 00:11:16,560 --> 00:11:18,600 to get a grip on their underwear? 222 00:11:18,600 --> 00:11:23,120 We have the answer to a widespread problem in this area. 223 00:11:25,000 --> 00:11:27,760 And there it is - look! 224 00:11:27,760 --> 00:11:30,400 Right there, look - that's him. 225 00:11:30,400 --> 00:11:31,920 He's doing the dance. 226 00:11:34,240 --> 00:11:35,760 The underwear two-step. 227 00:11:39,360 --> 00:11:40,440 Chasing the bunny. 228 00:11:42,720 --> 00:11:43,920 The bunny? 229 00:11:43,920 --> 00:11:47,040 Aye, well, he's losing his undies, eh? 230 00:11:47,040 --> 00:11:48,640 They're slipping down, 231 00:11:48,640 --> 00:11:49,680 aren't they? 232 00:11:52,840 --> 00:11:55,160 Making me feel like I'm losing mine. 233 00:11:55,160 --> 00:11:56,320 You probably are. 234 00:11:57,400 --> 00:11:59,480 I know I'm losing mine. 235 00:11:59,480 --> 00:12:02,360 Oh, no - don't tell me it's the money belt! 236 00:12:02,360 --> 00:12:04,760 Oh, 'eck! 237 00:12:04,760 --> 00:12:07,040 Oh... Ooh... 238 00:12:09,880 --> 00:12:11,800 Is it your brother that's the problem? 239 00:12:11,800 --> 00:12:13,200 You know, the... 240 00:12:13,200 --> 00:12:14,600 quiet one? 241 00:12:14,600 --> 00:12:16,320 That's tactful. 242 00:12:16,320 --> 00:12:19,200 - You were going to say "miserable", weren't you? - No... 243 00:12:19,200 --> 00:12:20,440 It's true, I was. 244 00:12:20,440 --> 00:12:22,760 I know he's not Mr Smiley, 245 00:12:22,760 --> 00:12:25,720 but he's had a lot in his life to be miserable about. 246 00:12:25,720 --> 00:12:29,280 All I ask of Eric is just try and be nice to him. 247 00:12:29,280 --> 00:12:31,120 Oh, they're not good at nice. 248 00:12:31,120 --> 00:12:33,600 They do nasty much better. 249 00:12:33,600 --> 00:12:36,160 I find they're often nicer underneath. 250 00:12:36,160 --> 00:12:38,240 Underneath an anaesthetic, maybe. 251 00:12:40,040 --> 00:12:41,080 That's true. 252 00:12:41,080 --> 00:12:42,800 They're all more bearable unconscious. 253 00:12:44,280 --> 00:12:46,800 So, does he look after you brother? 254 00:12:46,800 --> 00:12:48,440 Does he 'eck! 255 00:12:48,440 --> 00:12:51,600 He says he does, but you should see the look on his face. 256 00:12:51,600 --> 00:12:53,800 You'd think Lester had a disease! 257 00:12:53,800 --> 00:12:54,960 I've been to Leicester. 258 00:12:54,960 --> 00:12:56,120 It looked all right. 259 00:12:57,800 --> 00:12:59,560 Not the city! 260 00:12:59,560 --> 00:13:02,640 Cath's brother's called "Lester". 261 00:13:02,640 --> 00:13:05,320 Oh, I suppose it's better than Wolverhampton. 262 00:13:08,000 --> 00:13:09,800 It's uncanny, really, isn't it? 263 00:13:09,800 --> 00:13:13,760 How I knew that braces would be making a comeback? 264 00:13:13,760 --> 00:13:15,560 Well, I haven't seen any sign of it. 265 00:13:15,560 --> 00:13:17,720 Nobody I know wears braces. 266 00:13:17,720 --> 00:13:18,920 Well, of course not. 267 00:13:18,920 --> 00:13:20,960 You only know girls. 268 00:13:20,960 --> 00:13:24,800 No, the men have a proud tradition of wearing their undies 269 00:13:24,800 --> 00:13:26,720 to destruction. 270 00:13:26,720 --> 00:13:30,000 Always find room for their favourites. 271 00:13:30,000 --> 00:13:31,440 Better the devil you know... 272 00:13:31,440 --> 00:13:35,680 The ladies spend their lives trying to snatch them off us. 273 00:13:35,680 --> 00:13:36,760 You wish! 274 00:13:36,760 --> 00:13:38,920 I mean, they're forever buying new, aren't they? 275 00:13:38,920 --> 00:13:42,920 You know, new at Christmas and at birthdays, and where do they end up? 276 00:13:42,920 --> 00:13:46,320 They end up in their packs in the bottom of a drawer. 277 00:13:46,320 --> 00:13:47,800 So, here we are - 278 00:13:47,800 --> 00:13:49,560 forever chasing the bunny. 279 00:13:51,120 --> 00:13:54,280 The league of butterfingered gentleman, 280 00:13:54,280 --> 00:13:57,320 whose undies are forever diving to their knees. 281 00:13:59,080 --> 00:14:01,280 But Arkwright's have the solution! 282 00:14:03,880 --> 00:14:05,800 I'd a phone call from our Ethel. 283 00:14:07,600 --> 00:14:10,240 She says, "Walter's passed away." 284 00:14:10,240 --> 00:14:12,520 I tell her, "Oh... 285 00:14:12,520 --> 00:14:14,000 "I'm sorry to hear that. 286 00:14:15,120 --> 00:14:17,840 "But who's Walter?" 287 00:14:17,840 --> 00:14:19,960 She says, "You know who Walter is." 288 00:14:19,960 --> 00:14:21,280 And I say, "No. 289 00:14:21,280 --> 00:14:23,840 "There's not much point in starting now, is there?" 290 00:14:23,840 --> 00:14:27,840 HE LAUGHS 291 00:14:33,360 --> 00:14:34,480 What? 292 00:14:36,600 --> 00:14:38,800 Just waiting for the sign. 293 00:14:38,800 --> 00:14:40,120 What kind of sign? 294 00:14:40,120 --> 00:14:42,800 Well, we'll know it when we see it. 295 00:14:42,800 --> 00:14:44,720 You think we'll see it? 296 00:14:44,720 --> 00:14:46,240 Oh, yes. 297 00:14:46,240 --> 00:14:47,360 Yes. 298 00:14:47,360 --> 00:14:51,320 He's the sort whose undies are in for the long haul. 299 00:14:51,320 --> 00:14:52,840 What's he talking about? 300 00:14:57,680 --> 00:14:58,960 There he goes. 301 00:14:58,960 --> 00:15:00,760 That's it. 302 00:15:00,760 --> 00:15:02,240 Chasing the bunny. 303 00:15:13,480 --> 00:15:14,600 CRACKLE OF ELECTRICITY 304 00:15:20,360 --> 00:15:23,320 You don't know who you're messing with, kid. 305 00:15:23,320 --> 00:15:24,680 You sure you've got the right kid? 306 00:15:24,680 --> 00:15:28,040 I don't want you parking your trolley at number 37. 307 00:15:28,040 --> 00:15:29,920 I catch it there one more time 308 00:15:29,920 --> 00:15:31,320 and you're dead. 309 00:15:31,320 --> 00:15:32,560 Dead? 310 00:15:32,560 --> 00:15:34,360 Don't you think that's a bit OTT? 311 00:15:34,360 --> 00:15:36,160 Well, what am I supposed to threaten you with - 312 00:15:36,160 --> 00:15:38,040 community service? 313 00:15:38,040 --> 00:15:40,920 Can we just clear up why you need to threaten me at all? 314 00:15:40,920 --> 00:15:43,680 That's my wife you've been parking your trolley at! 315 00:15:44,680 --> 00:15:46,880 - She's divorced. - Don't get technical. 316 00:15:46,880 --> 00:15:48,000 How do you think it looks? 317 00:15:48,000 --> 00:15:51,840 She leaves me - Wayne Ferris... 318 00:15:51,840 --> 00:15:54,160 Now you see where you went wrong? 319 00:15:54,160 --> 00:15:55,880 You've heard the name, right? 320 00:15:55,880 --> 00:15:58,520 Wayne Ferris? 321 00:15:58,520 --> 00:15:59,560 No. 322 00:15:59,560 --> 00:16:01,240 Wayne Ferris! 323 00:16:01,240 --> 00:16:03,800 Rising figure in the criminal underworld! 324 00:16:07,440 --> 00:16:08,480 Maybe you've, erm... 325 00:16:10,000 --> 00:16:12,000 Maybe you've heard my, erm, street name. 326 00:16:13,680 --> 00:16:14,840 (The Undertaker.) 327 00:16:17,120 --> 00:16:18,240 - Sorry. - Oh! 328 00:16:18,240 --> 00:16:21,000 I'm on Facebook. Give me your e-mail, I'll send you some literature. 329 00:16:21,000 --> 00:16:22,160 If this is about Wendy... 330 00:16:22,160 --> 00:16:24,600 Bingo! Finally, yes! 331 00:16:24,600 --> 00:16:26,000 This is about Wendy - 332 00:16:26,000 --> 00:16:30,040 the Wendy YOU are on notice to stay away from. 333 00:16:30,040 --> 00:16:32,080 I deliver her groceries. 334 00:16:32,080 --> 00:16:35,360 My people will deliver her groceries. 335 00:16:35,360 --> 00:16:36,680 As of now, 336 00:16:36,680 --> 00:16:38,680 she's with Tesco's. 337 00:16:38,680 --> 00:16:40,200 "My people"! 338 00:16:40,200 --> 00:16:42,560 If you've got people, where are your minders? 339 00:16:42,560 --> 00:16:44,760 - I've got two of the best. - Oh. 340 00:16:44,760 --> 00:16:47,240 You know, it's just that they're...you know... 341 00:16:47,240 --> 00:16:48,920 It's their day off. 342 00:16:48,920 --> 00:16:50,160 On the same day? 343 00:16:50,160 --> 00:16:52,240 They're very fond of each other! 344 00:16:52,240 --> 00:16:54,360 Yeah? What am I supposed to do, yeah? 345 00:16:54,360 --> 00:16:56,120 Ruin their leisure time together? 346 00:16:56,120 --> 00:16:58,000 Wayne, I think you're telling porkies. 347 00:16:58,000 --> 00:16:59,440 I mean, you don't look dangerous. 348 00:16:59,440 --> 00:17:01,000 I think you're a sweetheart. 349 00:17:01,000 --> 00:17:02,800 I could kill you. 350 00:17:02,800 --> 00:17:04,600 I could kill you... 351 00:17:04,600 --> 00:17:05,840 with this finger. 352 00:17:05,840 --> 00:17:08,920 - LEROY LAUGHS - You're killing me now, Wayne! 353 00:17:08,920 --> 00:17:10,200 - You're hilarious! - No... 354 00:17:10,200 --> 00:17:11,600 No, you couldn't be more wrong. 355 00:17:11,600 --> 00:17:13,400 You stay away 356 00:17:13,400 --> 00:17:15,920 from that gorgeous little creature. All right? 357 00:17:15,920 --> 00:17:19,840 That is the first thing you've said that makes any sense. 358 00:17:19,840 --> 00:17:21,960 She is gorgeous. 359 00:17:21,960 --> 00:17:23,920 - CRACKLE OF ELECTRICITY - Oh... Oh, right! 360 00:17:23,920 --> 00:17:26,320 Oh, right! Right, that's how you want it, is it? 361 00:17:26,320 --> 00:17:28,360 - Sorry! - You crossed a line, pal. 362 00:17:28,360 --> 00:17:30,080 You crossed a line! 363 00:17:30,080 --> 00:17:31,560 Wayne, she gives me coffee. 364 00:17:31,560 --> 00:17:33,600 I was talking to you civilly, 365 00:17:33,600 --> 00:17:35,720 and you start throwing punches at me. 366 00:17:35,720 --> 00:17:38,120 - Wayne, it was just a twitch. - You, you wait... 367 00:17:38,120 --> 00:17:41,760 you wait till my minders get back from their... 368 00:17:41,760 --> 00:17:42,800 cookery classes. 369 00:17:46,800 --> 00:17:47,880 Aargh! 370 00:17:49,680 --> 00:17:51,320 Thank you. Right. 371 00:17:51,320 --> 00:17:53,400 There we are, Mrs Hussein - your change. 372 00:17:53,400 --> 00:17:54,640 Thank you very much. 373 00:17:54,640 --> 00:17:57,120 I suppose you've heard about Hazelwood Drive? 374 00:17:57,120 --> 00:17:59,040 - Number 37? - That's the one. 375 00:17:59,040 --> 00:18:01,080 No. What have you heard? 376 00:18:01,080 --> 00:18:05,240 As it happens - although, you know, I am not one for gossip... 377 00:18:05,240 --> 00:18:07,320 Yeah, somebody was telling me that. 378 00:18:07,320 --> 00:18:09,360 I think it were you. 379 00:18:09,360 --> 00:18:10,560 Well... 380 00:18:10,560 --> 00:18:12,880 she's divorced but he wants her back. 381 00:18:12,880 --> 00:18:14,280 She's spoiled rotten. 382 00:18:14,280 --> 00:18:17,640 It's his father's money - bought her the house, furnished it through. 383 00:18:17,640 --> 00:18:19,360 She's changed the curtains twice! 384 00:18:19,360 --> 00:18:20,400 Oh! 385 00:18:20,400 --> 00:18:22,880 She takes pills for an overactive thyroid. 386 00:18:24,080 --> 00:18:26,480 Where do you get all this stuff? 387 00:18:26,480 --> 00:18:28,280 She fancies your Leroy. 388 00:18:28,280 --> 00:18:30,280 She feeds him coffee. 389 00:18:30,280 --> 00:18:32,200 Leroy doesn't drink coffee. 390 00:18:32,200 --> 00:18:34,480 He's developing a taste for it. 391 00:18:34,480 --> 00:18:35,560 Two lumps. 392 00:18:37,280 --> 00:18:40,200 I suppose she's attractive to certain men. 393 00:18:40,200 --> 00:18:43,040 Her cleaner says she wears next to nothing round the house. 394 00:18:43,040 --> 00:18:45,480 Disgusting. CRACKLE OF ELECTRICITY 395 00:18:49,200 --> 00:18:51,600 He's developing a taste for coffee. 396 00:18:53,120 --> 00:18:55,720 He's using words like "latte". 397 00:18:58,480 --> 00:19:00,600 How can I compete? Eh? 398 00:19:01,600 --> 00:19:05,000 I mean, I can't start wearing next to nothing round the house. 399 00:19:06,480 --> 00:19:08,560 BELL JINGLES 400 00:19:08,560 --> 00:19:09,640 I'll be back. 401 00:19:15,080 --> 00:19:19,360 What's this little Jump-start you're offering for tired feelings? 402 00:19:22,080 --> 00:19:23,400 Come in, Cyril! 403 00:19:23,400 --> 00:19:25,480 Prepare to be amazed. 404 00:19:27,720 --> 00:19:30,880 Oh, and here's another seeker of the truth. 405 00:19:30,880 --> 00:19:34,440 Even a lie, if it improves your prospects. 406 00:19:34,440 --> 00:19:35,760 There she is. 407 00:19:35,760 --> 00:19:39,560 Your pathway to a richer personal life. 408 00:19:39,560 --> 00:19:41,440 Batteries not included. 409 00:19:41,440 --> 00:19:43,720 So, how much richer is your personal life 410 00:19:43,720 --> 00:19:45,280 when it's got a battery in it? 411 00:19:45,280 --> 00:19:49,520 Are we talking really personal "personal life"? 412 00:19:51,440 --> 00:19:54,960 I mean, the kind your honeymoon lures you into believing 413 00:19:54,960 --> 00:19:57,320 this could be a regular thing? 414 00:19:59,680 --> 00:20:01,600 With this little gadget, 415 00:20:01,600 --> 00:20:07,560 your scoring rate for the occasions of domestic "bliss" will rocket. 416 00:20:07,560 --> 00:20:09,920 You'd go as far as "rocket"? 417 00:20:09,920 --> 00:20:11,680 I'd settle for the stairlift. 418 00:20:12,840 --> 00:20:16,040 This thing takes all the guesswork out of it. 419 00:20:16,040 --> 00:20:20,760 This little beauty will tell you when the time is right 420 00:20:20,760 --> 00:20:22,480 to make your move. 421 00:20:22,480 --> 00:20:23,800 It has better be right - 422 00:20:23,800 --> 00:20:25,120 or I might HAVE to move. 423 00:20:26,320 --> 00:20:28,440 How come this thing knows so much? 424 00:20:28,440 --> 00:20:30,080 A little piece of plastic 425 00:20:30,080 --> 00:20:32,120 without any hormones or interest in... 426 00:20:33,560 --> 00:20:34,920 ..basic messing around. 427 00:20:36,880 --> 00:20:39,200 A-ha, you see, that is where the battery comes in, don't it? 428 00:20:39,200 --> 00:20:41,880 It brings it to life. 429 00:20:41,880 --> 00:20:44,680 It stirs up the atoms 430 00:20:44,680 --> 00:20:46,400 and they all go zipping about. 431 00:20:46,400 --> 00:20:48,960 And they come in contact with the electrons. 432 00:20:48,960 --> 00:20:50,400 And the electrons then go, 433 00:20:50,400 --> 00:20:53,720 "Woop-woop-woop-woop, woop-woop-woop-woop." 434 00:20:53,720 --> 00:20:54,960 HE JOINS IN 435 00:20:54,960 --> 00:20:56,280 HE ALSO JOINS IN 436 00:20:56,280 --> 00:20:57,920 DUO START BARKING 437 00:20:57,920 --> 00:20:59,640 No! Now, stop now! 438 00:20:59,640 --> 00:21:01,360 Please! 439 00:21:01,360 --> 00:21:04,320 Let's not get into nanotechnology. 440 00:21:06,200 --> 00:21:08,840 Do you want to get into nanotechnology? 441 00:21:08,840 --> 00:21:11,800 Not necessarily, at this moment in time. 442 00:21:13,280 --> 00:21:14,400 Right, now listen. 443 00:21:14,400 --> 00:21:17,760 You get her to carry one of these about or, better still, 444 00:21:17,760 --> 00:21:20,760 you slip it in her pocket. 445 00:21:22,920 --> 00:21:25,320 How long do the batteries last? 446 00:21:26,840 --> 00:21:29,120 Don't worry. I can always sell you a spare. 447 00:21:29,120 --> 00:21:31,040 - Does it come with a guarantee? - No! 448 00:21:31,040 --> 00:21:34,080 It doesn't get BBC Two, either. 449 00:21:36,240 --> 00:21:40,520 Are you in an emotionally dry place or not? 450 00:21:41,840 --> 00:21:43,200 Parched. 451 00:21:45,520 --> 00:21:47,960 Then, this is your future here. 452 00:21:47,960 --> 00:21:50,040 This is where the desert blooms. 453 00:21:59,720 --> 00:22:02,200 Stand there, Mr Newbold. This is girl talk. 454 00:22:03,560 --> 00:22:05,800 I'm just taking him to have his squirm removed. 455 00:22:07,040 --> 00:22:08,760 Sounds like a plan. 456 00:22:08,760 --> 00:22:11,520 Do you find they have a tendency 457 00:22:11,520 --> 00:22:13,360 to hang on to their old underwear? 458 00:22:13,360 --> 00:22:16,760 Oh. You could take their appendix easier. 459 00:22:16,760 --> 00:22:19,520 The men round here develop such a deep affection 460 00:22:19,520 --> 00:22:21,200 for their familiar underwear, 461 00:22:21,200 --> 00:22:23,960 I'm surprised no-one has written an opera about it. 462 00:22:23,960 --> 00:22:26,280 Why is it, do you think? 463 00:22:27,240 --> 00:22:28,640 They don't like change. 464 00:22:28,640 --> 00:22:30,160 Which is fine... 465 00:22:30,160 --> 00:22:31,640 until your elastic goes. 466 00:22:40,280 --> 00:22:42,520 Right, hold on, sir, just a moment. 467 00:22:43,480 --> 00:22:46,040 There we go. There, now, you see? 468 00:22:46,040 --> 00:22:49,920 You've got free access to his undies. 469 00:22:49,920 --> 00:22:52,200 Would you care to rephrase that? 470 00:22:54,040 --> 00:22:55,320 A pair of braces? 471 00:22:55,320 --> 00:22:58,000 Yes, as recommended by Sigmund Freud. 472 00:22:58,000 --> 00:23:01,600 It's the shortest way to the well-adjusted male. 473 00:23:01,600 --> 00:23:03,880 I've sold eight pairs of these today already. 474 00:23:03,880 --> 00:23:06,640 But I don't wear braces. 475 00:23:06,640 --> 00:23:08,800 You see, that is your problem. 476 00:23:08,800 --> 00:23:10,680 Wearing a belt, 477 00:23:10,680 --> 00:23:12,840 you can't get your hand 478 00:23:12,840 --> 00:23:16,400 down there, to haul your boxers back up. 479 00:23:16,400 --> 00:23:17,920 Right? 480 00:23:17,920 --> 00:23:19,040 But now... 481 00:23:21,680 --> 00:23:24,840 ..you can get both hands down there, see? 482 00:23:24,840 --> 00:23:26,640 Haul them back up, 483 00:23:26,640 --> 00:23:28,440 like that. 484 00:23:30,080 --> 00:23:33,000 OK? Instant access 485 00:23:33,000 --> 00:23:34,920 to all the help you need. 486 00:23:34,920 --> 00:23:36,440 Well, don't look at me! 487 00:23:37,720 --> 00:23:39,840 Do you think we've been had? 488 00:23:39,840 --> 00:23:40,880 Again? 489 00:23:42,000 --> 00:23:43,200 Has he done it again? 490 00:23:44,680 --> 00:23:48,400 You know, he takes advantage of the fact that we're desperate. 491 00:23:48,400 --> 00:23:51,440 I always wanted to be a good lover. 492 00:23:51,440 --> 00:23:52,720 Amusing, 493 00:23:52,720 --> 00:23:54,360 considerate, 494 00:23:54,360 --> 00:23:55,440 but above all... 495 00:23:57,120 --> 00:23:58,760 ..regular. 496 00:23:58,760 --> 00:24:00,520 That's what you miss. 497 00:24:00,520 --> 00:24:03,160 It's the uncertainty that gets to you. 498 00:24:10,320 --> 00:24:11,600 - BOTH: - Hey! 499 00:24:11,600 --> 00:24:13,200 - BOTH: - It works! 500 00:24:27,600 --> 00:24:28,840 DULL THUDDING 501 00:24:29,840 --> 00:24:30,880 Hmm? 502 00:24:30,880 --> 00:24:32,520 SOFT WHISTLING 503 00:24:43,520 --> 00:24:45,000 How was the coffee? 504 00:24:45,000 --> 00:24:46,960 It was just coffee. 505 00:24:46,960 --> 00:24:49,760 I met him - Wayne, the ex. Hmmp! 506 00:24:49,760 --> 00:24:51,680 He's a giggle. 507 00:24:51,680 --> 00:24:54,280 Oh, can I go a bit earlier this evening? 508 00:24:54,280 --> 00:24:56,000 Where? 509 00:24:56,000 --> 00:24:58,640 Just out, meet a few friends. Usual. 510 00:24:58,640 --> 00:25:02,480 You can get done for some kinds of "usual". 511 00:25:02,480 --> 00:25:04,280 Not more coffee, I hope? 512 00:25:04,280 --> 00:25:06,360 No. Put your mind at rest. 513 00:25:06,360 --> 00:25:08,240 And stop being so suspicious. 514 00:25:08,240 --> 00:25:10,640 All right. You can go. 515 00:25:12,040 --> 00:25:13,440 I trust you. 516 00:25:15,240 --> 00:25:17,560 I don't trust him! 517 00:25:17,560 --> 00:25:20,120 He's going out and I want to see where he's going! 518 00:25:20,120 --> 00:25:23,760 How are you going to follow him if the shop's still open? 519 00:25:23,760 --> 00:25:25,360 Oh! Will you close it? 520 00:25:25,360 --> 00:25:26,400 No! 521 00:25:26,400 --> 00:25:28,960 No, no, I won't close the shop! 522 00:25:28,960 --> 00:25:32,160 I'm leaving Gastric in charge. 523 00:25:32,160 --> 00:25:34,800 Oh... please, God, 524 00:25:34,800 --> 00:25:37,920 don't let Gastric screw up. 525 00:25:37,920 --> 00:25:40,800 You see, I'm borrowing Gastric's Mini, 526 00:25:40,800 --> 00:25:43,400 so I thought that you could come with me. 527 00:25:43,400 --> 00:25:46,360 Oh, I don't know that I'd be any good at following. 528 00:25:46,360 --> 00:25:48,920 Oh, it won't be all following, will it? 529 00:25:48,920 --> 00:25:52,560 I mean, there will be time for us. Hmm-hm. 530 00:25:52,560 --> 00:25:55,400 ELECTRICAL CRACKLING 531 00:25:55,400 --> 00:25:57,400 Hey! 532 00:25:59,200 --> 00:26:00,400 Come on. 533 00:26:02,640 --> 00:26:06,560 You said this was going to be a little outing for us two. 534 00:26:06,560 --> 00:26:07,600 It is. 535 00:26:07,600 --> 00:26:10,280 I haven't forgotten that. 536 00:26:10,280 --> 00:26:13,320 You needn't think I'd forgotten THAT. 537 00:26:14,520 --> 00:26:16,680 Oh. ELECTRICAL CRACKLING 538 00:26:16,680 --> 00:26:18,320 ELECTRICAL CRACKLING 539 00:26:18,320 --> 00:26:19,360 Oh! 540 00:26:21,120 --> 00:26:23,280 Sorry. Sorry about that. 541 00:26:23,280 --> 00:26:26,440 It just... It's my foot keeps jumping. 542 00:26:26,440 --> 00:26:29,840 It's nice to get a few minutes together. 543 00:26:29,840 --> 00:26:33,040 Madge wanted to know what we were going to do with it. 544 00:26:33,040 --> 00:26:34,120 Oh. 545 00:26:34,120 --> 00:26:35,320 ELECTRICAL CRACKLING Oh! Oh! 546 00:26:35,320 --> 00:26:37,120 TYRES SCREECH 547 00:26:41,880 --> 00:26:42,920 Eugh! 548 00:26:42,920 --> 00:26:44,800 Don't smile at me. It sets me off. 549 00:26:44,800 --> 00:26:46,400 ELECTRICAL CRACKLING 550 00:26:47,440 --> 00:26:50,560 Can you move your knee somewhere... ELECTRICAL CRACKLING 551 00:26:50,560 --> 00:26:53,400 ..out of my eye-line? Ooh! Open a window! 552 00:26:53,400 --> 00:26:54,880 ELECTRICAL CRACKLING 553 00:26:54,880 --> 00:26:56,200 That perfume is dangerous! 554 00:26:56,200 --> 00:26:58,440 Argh! Oh! 555 00:27:11,520 --> 00:27:12,840 ELECTRICAL CRACKLING 556 00:27:22,280 --> 00:27:25,600 'Wow, that Mavis is attractive, even the wrong way up.' 557 00:27:25,600 --> 00:27:26,880 ELECTRICAL CRACKLING 558 00:27:26,880 --> 00:27:27,920 Oh! 559 00:27:36,520 --> 00:27:38,880 Next time, I'll drive. 560 00:27:38,880 --> 00:27:41,560 - Well... - I hope you're safer indoors. 561 00:27:42,560 --> 00:27:45,120 I suppose there's only one way to find out. 562 00:27:45,120 --> 00:27:46,960 ELECTRICAL CRACKLING 563 00:27:48,360 --> 00:27:50,200 Oh, heck! Oh. 564 00:27:51,920 --> 00:27:53,480 Oh...heck! 565 00:27:58,240 --> 00:27:59,600 Hello, Mavis. 566 00:28:01,160 --> 00:28:02,960 Hello, Granville.