1
00:00:02,000 --> 00:00:04,640
Go on, go and chat her up.

2
00:00:04,640 --> 00:00:07,240
Remember, you're a great lover.

3
00:00:07,240 --> 00:00:09,840
Your father was a great lover.

4
00:00:09,840 --> 00:00:13,200
He never said. How do you know?

5
00:00:13,200 --> 00:00:15,120
Can't wait to hear this bit.

6
00:00:15,120 --> 00:00:18,720
Well, all the ladies knew where he had a mole.

7
00:00:20,160 --> 00:00:21,480
In the garden.

8
00:00:23,200 --> 00:00:26,760
No... Not the one in the garden, no, the one on his...

9
00:00:28,400 --> 00:00:30,840
- Gets better.
- It runs in the family.

10
00:00:30,840 --> 00:00:33,480
Uncle Willie, he had one.

11
00:00:33,480 --> 00:00:34,920
Well, there you are, you see.

12
00:00:34,920 --> 00:00:36,440
It's in your blood.

13
00:00:36,440 --> 00:00:40,360
Now, go and tell her that she makes your heart swell.

14
00:00:40,360 --> 00:00:42,040
It's the elbow usually.

15
00:00:42,040 --> 00:00:44,360
Are you telling me I've got tennis heart?

16
00:00:44,360 --> 00:00:47,760
No, no... Look, quick, before she gets away.

17
00:00:47,760 --> 00:00:50,680
Go and tell her you like her hair.

18
00:00:50,680 --> 00:00:52,120
I like your elbow.

19
00:00:52,120 --> 00:00:54,320
Eurgh!

20
00:00:54,320 --> 00:00:56,720
She's not in a good mood.

21
00:00:56,720 --> 00:00:59,400
She's been hearing noises in the night.

22
00:00:59,400 --> 00:01:02,720
There's something going off in that house.

23
00:01:02,720 --> 00:01:04,800
Not as much as there could be

24
00:01:04,800 --> 00:01:09,480
if only you would open yourself up to new experiences.

25
00:01:09,480 --> 00:01:12,440
Oh, come on, they're daft as brushes.

26
00:01:16,120 --> 00:01:18,760
Where is this mole exactly?

27
00:01:18,760 --> 00:01:20,880
You heard, in his garden.

28
00:01:39,320 --> 00:01:40,640
Oh!

29
00:01:50,000 --> 00:01:52,160
TILL RINGS

30
00:01:53,960 --> 00:01:59,120
COINS CLATTER

31
00:02:08,800 --> 00:02:10,440
Ha! HE CHUCKLES

32
00:02:10,440 --> 00:02:11,760
There you go.

33
00:02:15,520 --> 00:02:18,440
- Good morning.
- No, it isn't. 
- No, it's not.

34
00:02:18,440 --> 00:02:20,280
We've just agreed that.

35
00:02:20,280 --> 00:02:22,760
Because a man needs a woman in his life.

36
00:02:23,760 --> 00:02:25,480
I need one out of mine.

37
00:02:26,520 --> 00:02:28,280
Sorry.

38
00:02:28,280 --> 00:02:31,440
I know what you mean, so a transfer's out of the question.

39
00:02:33,400 --> 00:02:36,120
Well, don't look at me. I'm not on the transfer list.

40
00:02:36,120 --> 00:02:38,040
You know what the trouble is?

41
00:02:38,040 --> 00:02:40,480
We don't give the day a chance to get started

42
00:02:40,480 --> 00:02:44,280
- before we leap straight into it. 
- You leap straight into it?

43
00:02:44,280 --> 00:02:46,880
I've only seen you ever creep and stagger.

44
00:02:47,920 --> 00:02:49,480
I deny being a creep.

45
00:02:50,720 --> 00:02:52,680
Ask anybody, except Mr Richardson,

46
00:02:52,680 --> 00:02:55,160
who caught me struggling with his daughter.

47
00:02:57,760 --> 00:03:00,440
I was trying to escape.

48
00:03:00,440 --> 00:03:03,160
I know the feeling.

49
00:03:03,160 --> 00:03:05,720
She's a big girl. I'm lucky to be alive.

50
00:03:05,720 --> 00:03:08,200
I hope you haven't lost us another customer.

51
00:03:08,200 --> 00:03:11,160
You've got to learn to resist their advances

52
00:03:11,160 --> 00:03:13,640
while keeping their weekly order.

53
00:03:13,640 --> 00:03:16,240
She only ever came in for small items.

54
00:03:16,240 --> 00:03:20,040
Well, she got that bit right with you, then.

55
00:03:20,040 --> 00:03:23,720
Does she know that we do delivery on request?

56
00:03:23,720 --> 00:03:26,040
She was working on that assumption.

57
00:03:26,040 --> 00:03:27,920
I have to be up early.

58
00:03:27,920 --> 00:03:30,280
The dog won't lie in.

59
00:03:30,280 --> 00:03:32,280
Where did your father have a mole?

60
00:03:32,280 --> 00:03:34,600
Between his leeks and his potting shed.

61
00:03:38,960 --> 00:03:41,480
I like being up at this time.

62
00:03:41,480 --> 00:03:45,720
When the world is fresh and Mrs Featherstone free.

63
00:03:45,720 --> 00:03:47,840
It's my quality time.

64
00:03:47,840 --> 00:03:50,520
Well, you won't do better than that good woman.

65
00:03:50,520 --> 00:03:51,760
HE SCOFFS

66
00:03:51,760 --> 00:03:54,640
Good woman. They don't call her the Black Widow...

67
00:03:56,120 --> 00:03:59,040
I notice you keep backing off from her.

68
00:03:59,040 --> 00:04:02,560
The dedicated grocer has to remain celibate.

69
00:04:02,560 --> 00:04:07,560
We who handle people's perishables have to be above suspicion.

70
00:04:14,680 --> 00:04:16,680
Thank you, Humphrey.

71
00:04:16,680 --> 00:04:18,560
You may return to your station.

72
00:04:21,440 --> 00:04:25,480
- Someone's having fun. 
- He's more efficient than you are.

73
00:04:25,480 --> 00:04:28,120
He's my new advertising gimmick.

74
00:04:28,120 --> 00:04:31,320
You know, I can feel myself going paler and paler.

75
00:04:31,320 --> 00:04:33,440
I look like an unfried chip.

76
00:04:33,440 --> 00:04:35,800
It's hard to be efficient because I get no sun.

77
00:04:35,800 --> 00:04:38,400
It only overstimulate the hormones.

78
00:04:38,400 --> 00:04:41,680
They're notorious for it when there's plenty of sun.

79
00:04:41,680 --> 00:04:44,080
A person needs a certain amount.

80
00:04:44,080 --> 00:04:45,800
That Mrs Mauritz,

81
00:04:45,800 --> 00:04:49,880
she avoided a nasty sunburn only by being in the shade...

82
00:04:49,880 --> 00:04:51,480
of a Turkish waiter.

83
00:04:53,640 --> 00:04:55,680
I'm going to look like Dracula.

84
00:04:55,680 --> 00:04:57,520
Dracula, eh?

85
00:04:57,520 --> 00:05:01,440
Sinister but still the women found him attractive.

86
00:05:03,760 --> 00:05:07,240
What if Gastric looked a bit more sinister?

87
00:05:07,240 --> 00:05:10,400
Gastric looks more like a friendly Labrador.

88
00:05:10,400 --> 00:05:12,440
He'd get more respect from Madge

89
00:05:12,440 --> 00:05:15,800
if he had a touch of the nasties from Transylvania.

90
00:05:18,280 --> 00:05:19,600
You think about it.

91
00:05:19,600 --> 00:05:22,840
Eh, you need to think about how we can get rid of these

92
00:05:22,840 --> 00:05:26,280
individual Christmas puddings you bought out of season.

93
00:05:26,280 --> 00:05:29,160
I know... The price was right.

94
00:05:29,160 --> 00:05:31,600
- WOMAN:
- Save me a small brown cob.

95
00:05:39,160 --> 00:05:40,400
You see what happens?

96
00:05:40,400 --> 00:05:43,800
You start talking about Dracula and the next thing you know,

97
00:05:43,800 --> 00:05:47,520
a disembodied voice is after your small brown cobs.

98
00:05:52,440 --> 00:05:55,480
10-1, that small brown cob of Mrs Alsop...

99
00:05:55,480 --> 00:05:58,120
The invisible Mrs Alsop.

100
00:05:58,120 --> 00:06:01,680
First Dracula, now Mrs Alsop, the invisible.

101
00:06:01,680 --> 00:06:03,920
I think you half believe this stuff.

102
00:06:03,920 --> 00:06:08,200
All I know is the mysterious, the unexplainable,

103
00:06:08,200 --> 00:06:11,600
is often staring us in the face.

104
00:06:11,600 --> 00:06:14,200
I know that's what your VAT inspector thinks.

105
00:06:19,920 --> 00:06:22,880
Out of season Christmas puddings?

106
00:06:22,880 --> 00:06:26,600
No, it's a sneak preview of next season's Christmas puddings.

107
00:06:35,080 --> 00:06:36,920
How is Mr Newbold?

108
00:06:36,920 --> 00:06:38,440
Slippery.

109
00:06:38,440 --> 00:06:39,920
I volunteered to do his ironing,

110
00:06:39,920 --> 00:06:44,040
but he seems reluctant to let me anywhere near his boxers.

111
00:06:44,040 --> 00:06:46,280
My old granny used to read tea leaves,

112
00:06:46,280 --> 00:06:50,040
but I found you can read a man much better by his choice of underwear.

113
00:06:50,040 --> 00:06:52,120
Beware of jockey shorts.

114
00:06:52,120 --> 00:06:54,560
They should come with a health warning.

115
00:06:54,560 --> 00:06:58,080
I've had three husbands, all in boxers, or even baggier,

116
00:06:58,080 --> 00:07:00,120
the time it takes them to work their way out

117
00:07:00,120 --> 00:07:02,000
gives a girl time to reconsider.

118
00:07:17,240 --> 00:07:19,120
Ah, Cyril's head.

119
00:07:19,120 --> 00:07:21,920
I hope it's brought the rest of you with it.

120
00:07:21,920 --> 00:07:24,960
I'm not buying. I'm just asking.

121
00:07:24,960 --> 00:07:27,280
It says, "Ask inside."

122
00:07:27,280 --> 00:07:29,400
Well, technically, you're not inside, are you?

123
00:07:29,400 --> 00:07:31,000
So, come on, come in.

124
00:07:33,240 --> 00:07:35,560
I'm not buying. Do you understand?

125
00:07:35,560 --> 00:07:37,600
Yes, I know, you've already said that.

126
00:07:37,600 --> 00:07:39,680
You don't need to repeat yourself.

127
00:07:39,680 --> 00:07:43,360
Once you've been in this shop a few times you develop a certain caution.

128
00:07:43,360 --> 00:07:45,760
I'm only asking, mind you.

129
00:07:45,760 --> 00:07:50,040
What's this high-energy food breakthrough?

130
00:07:53,520 --> 00:07:55,040
Christmas puddings?

131
00:07:55,040 --> 00:07:57,160
It's hardly the season.

132
00:07:57,160 --> 00:08:01,600
That's because you think these are ordinary Christmas puddings.

133
00:08:06,920 --> 00:08:08,920
Why don't we do something different?

134
00:08:08,920 --> 00:08:11,040
Because we'd still be the same people.

135
00:08:11,040 --> 00:08:12,920
How different is that?

136
00:08:12,920 --> 00:08:15,240
There's a flaw in that logic somewhere.

137
00:08:15,240 --> 00:08:19,800
OK, why don't we do something that's not different more often?

138
00:08:19,800 --> 00:08:21,320
SHE GASPS

139
00:08:21,320 --> 00:08:22,880
I thought you'd never ask.

140
00:08:24,840 --> 00:08:27,120
I'll provide the wallpaper and paint.

141
00:08:35,360 --> 00:08:36,960
Forget it.

142
00:08:43,400 --> 00:08:47,760
This particular brand has only ever been seen

143
00:08:47,760 --> 00:08:51,480
since those flying saucers were seen hovering over Mexborough.

144
00:08:53,080 --> 00:08:56,840
Because an eyewitness said they looked more like pudding basins.

145
00:08:57,880 --> 00:09:00,720
Christmas puddings of alien origin?

146
00:09:02,280 --> 00:09:05,320
Dropped by a basin-shaped spaceship?

147
00:09:06,480 --> 00:09:09,120
Over Mexborough?

148
00:09:09,120 --> 00:09:14,480
Not just over Mexborough, but as far afield as Adwick-on-Dearne.

149
00:09:15,920 --> 00:09:19,320
Why would aliens be dropping Christmas puddings anywhere?

150
00:09:19,320 --> 00:09:23,960
I'm glad you asked me that because at first it puzzled me,

151
00:09:23,960 --> 00:09:28,160
but then you began to see the diabolical cleverness of it.

152
00:09:33,400 --> 00:09:36,400
- It escapes me.
- And me.

153
00:09:36,400 --> 00:09:41,560
This stuff looks harmless, but it contains a secret ingredient

154
00:09:41,560 --> 00:09:47,320
that turned people onto the single-minded pursuit of pleasure.

155
00:09:51,280 --> 00:09:53,120
In Mexborough?

156
00:09:55,520 --> 00:09:58,320
Well, today Mexborough, tomorrow the world.

157
00:09:58,320 --> 00:09:59,560
You see?

158
00:09:59,560 --> 00:10:02,520
Whilst everybody is having fun and making...

159
00:10:02,520 --> 00:10:05,000
You know, making whoopee.

160
00:10:06,760 --> 00:10:08,840
..the aliens would have landed.

161
00:10:09,840 --> 00:10:12,000
How come you know all this stuff?

162
00:10:12,000 --> 00:10:16,640
Because the government is having to work closely with the grocers' federation.

163
00:10:16,640 --> 00:10:21,680
They need our expertise, which is why I'm authorised to sell...

164
00:10:21,680 --> 00:10:25,160
Well, to selected, responsible people only.

165
00:10:27,560 --> 00:10:29,280
Sounds like us.

166
00:10:30,960 --> 00:10:33,520
Can't argue with that.

167
00:10:33,520 --> 00:10:37,800
Well, it's people in our professional grocers' judgment

168
00:10:37,800 --> 00:10:41,760
will be able to handle the effects.

169
00:10:44,920 --> 00:10:46,440
The loss of all inhibitions.

170
00:10:46,440 --> 00:10:48,000
Ooh!

171
00:10:53,840 --> 00:10:57,560
Obviously, you can't just let these go to anybody.

172
00:10:58,840 --> 00:11:01,560
You'll have people going crazy, making whoopee.

173
00:11:02,960 --> 00:11:05,440
Would that be people of both genders?

174
00:11:07,400 --> 00:11:09,920
Yes, yes. And any in between.

175
00:11:12,800 --> 00:11:19,120
This harmless looking piece of duff is basically your Viagra.

176
00:11:21,400 --> 00:11:24,680
Although, we recommend that you use it with...

177
00:11:24,680 --> 00:11:27,240
- Well, a little...
- Champagne?

178
00:11:28,640 --> 00:11:30,120
Roses?

179
00:11:30,120 --> 00:11:31,720
Custard.

180
00:11:35,440 --> 00:11:40,360
Now, I'm going to have to ask you to take these from the shop in a brown paper bag.

181
00:11:40,360 --> 00:11:42,080
No problem.

182
00:11:42,080 --> 00:11:48,480
But first, I am required to ask you to swear an oath of silence.

183
00:11:48,480 --> 00:11:50,080
Raise your right hand.

184
00:11:55,760 --> 00:11:57,960
Put your left hand on the custard.

185
00:12:00,000 --> 00:12:01,880
And swear after me...

186
00:12:01,880 --> 00:12:04,520
I promise by this tin of custard...

187
00:12:04,520 --> 00:12:08,400
- BOTH:
- I promise by this tin of custard...

188
00:12:08,400 --> 00:12:11,000
Which is exceedingly good value...

189
00:12:20,800 --> 00:12:22,640
I just know Kath's going to say,

190
00:12:22,640 --> 00:12:25,680
"What the hell are you doing buying Christmas puddings?!"

191
00:12:25,680 --> 00:12:28,080
So, we pick the moment and we say...

192
00:12:29,680 --> 00:12:31,880
"Hey, do you know what I fancy right now?

193
00:12:33,040 --> 00:12:34,960
"A bit of Christmas pudding."

194
00:12:34,960 --> 00:12:37,080
And make sure they eat the other half.

195
00:12:47,080 --> 00:12:48,320
Hello!

196
00:12:50,320 --> 00:12:52,440
THEY SCREAM

197
00:12:52,440 --> 00:12:54,440
Oh, you gave me a fright!

198
00:12:54,440 --> 00:12:55,840
Sh, sh! Hey, hey!

199
00:12:55,840 --> 00:12:58,600
Not allowed. If he asks, tell him I sold you a fright.

200
00:12:58,600 --> 00:13:01,840
There's a house rule against giving.

201
00:13:03,640 --> 00:13:05,640
What are you doing behind there?

202
00:13:05,640 --> 00:13:08,920
- Have you got a bed down there? 
- No, but it's not a bad idea.

203
00:13:08,920 --> 00:13:10,000
Oh.

204
00:13:12,280 --> 00:13:14,520
No, they get me up too early, you see.

205
00:13:14,520 --> 00:13:17,160
My body clock doesn't really run on Arkwright time.

206
00:13:17,160 --> 00:13:19,160
You need a rewind.

207
00:13:19,160 --> 00:13:21,520
Or just a lie in.

208
00:13:21,520 --> 00:13:23,240
At the risk of being forward,

209
00:13:23,240 --> 00:13:26,120
could I ask what you were doing behind the counter?

210
00:13:28,520 --> 00:13:30,120
- Tinkering?
- Ah, yes.

211
00:13:30,120 --> 00:13:33,920
The old tinkering... It's been years since I've had a good tinker.

212
00:13:37,440 --> 00:13:39,040
We often wonder, you know,

213
00:13:39,040 --> 00:13:42,720
what goodies are available behind that counter.

214
00:13:42,720 --> 00:13:46,280
Oh, well, at the moment, a stack of Christmas puddings.

215
00:13:46,280 --> 00:13:49,480
- Don't ask.
- You're pulling my leg.

216
00:13:49,480 --> 00:13:52,160
Or is that wishful thinking?

217
00:13:52,160 --> 00:13:55,360
Oh, some mischievous spirit inserted into this conversation.

218
00:13:55,360 --> 00:13:57,040
Yeah, yeah.

219
00:13:57,040 --> 00:13:59,400
They do, don't they? Yeah.

220
00:14:03,680 --> 00:14:06,800
Sh! Did you hear that?

221
00:14:06,800 --> 00:14:08,240
Oh, give up.

222
00:14:08,240 --> 00:14:09,600
There's nobody upstairs.

223
00:14:09,600 --> 00:14:10,920
I've just checked, again.

224
00:14:10,920 --> 00:14:13,440
Well, I know how thorough you are.

225
00:14:13,440 --> 00:14:17,160
You probably went up there and forgot what you went for.

226
00:14:17,160 --> 00:14:19,480
You're worse than Mrs Patrick.

227
00:14:19,480 --> 00:14:21,720
She was always hearing things.

228
00:14:21,720 --> 00:14:24,080
Particularly about Mr Patrick.

229
00:14:24,080 --> 00:14:26,480
She claimed she was psychic.

230
00:14:26,480 --> 00:14:28,640
Maybe I'm a bit psychic.

231
00:14:28,640 --> 00:14:32,560
It didn't stop you picking someone nasty for a husband.

232
00:14:32,560 --> 00:14:35,200
He looked so nice in a suit.

233
00:14:35,200 --> 00:14:37,320
Well, what about you?

234
00:14:37,320 --> 00:14:39,000
Yours was no better.

235
00:14:39,000 --> 00:14:41,440
At least I knew that before I married him.

236
00:14:41,440 --> 00:14:43,360
So, why did you marry him?

237
00:14:43,360 --> 00:14:45,160
He told me I was pregnant.

238
00:14:49,800 --> 00:14:52,280
So, what is Madge's problem?

239
00:14:52,280 --> 00:14:55,480
Apart from her long battle against being pleasant.

240
00:14:55,480 --> 00:14:59,160
She's convinced our place is haunted now.

241
00:14:59,160 --> 00:15:03,280
Oh, well, there's always been a disturbing presence there.

242
00:15:04,440 --> 00:15:06,720
It's your Madge.

243
00:15:06,720 --> 00:15:08,280
It is.

244
00:15:09,920 --> 00:15:12,880
She's heard something going bang in the night.

245
00:15:14,080 --> 00:15:15,960
What? At your place?

246
00:15:15,960 --> 00:15:17,640
Don't knock it.

247
00:15:17,640 --> 00:15:19,920
One night, I hope it could be me.

248
00:15:27,400 --> 00:15:31,160
Never heard the bell. You're creeping up on people.

249
00:15:31,160 --> 00:15:33,960
So, this may come as something of a surprise.

250
00:15:38,480 --> 00:15:39,920
It's my fault.

251
00:15:41,000 --> 00:15:44,040
I didn't believe his Christmas pudding story,

252
00:15:44,040 --> 00:15:46,160
which led to him showing me his...

253
00:15:46,160 --> 00:15:49,320
ideas for improved workflow behind here.

254
00:15:49,320 --> 00:15:51,600
Still in the planning stage.

255
00:15:51,600 --> 00:15:54,680
A few wrinkles that we need to... iron out.

256
00:16:00,680 --> 00:16:04,000
I hope it is still in the planning stage.

257
00:16:33,680 --> 00:16:35,240
I passed Madge.

258
00:16:37,000 --> 00:16:38,840
I gave her a wave.

259
00:16:38,840 --> 00:16:40,560
She gave me a look.

260
00:16:40,560 --> 00:16:42,480
Oh, I can see it now.

261
00:16:42,480 --> 00:16:46,800
Her eyes were irresistibly drawn towards you, eh?

262
00:16:46,800 --> 00:16:49,280
Well, if it didn't say, "Drop-dead,"

263
00:16:49,280 --> 00:16:52,400
it were a look that said something like...

264
00:16:52,400 --> 00:16:55,160
"kindly leave the universe."

265
00:16:55,160 --> 00:16:57,280
Which we've noticed you've ignored.

266
00:16:59,080 --> 00:17:02,800
You see, Madge hasn't spotted your darker side.

267
00:17:02,800 --> 00:17:04,360
Darker side?

268
00:17:04,360 --> 00:17:09,160
So you don't think that you've got a darker side? Hm?

269
00:17:14,840 --> 00:17:16,560
CHUCKLING

270
00:17:18,680 --> 00:17:20,280
Try that.

271
00:17:25,520 --> 00:17:27,880
Not bad. What is it?

272
00:17:27,880 --> 00:17:31,560
- 50p.
- 50p for that?!

273
00:17:31,560 --> 00:17:33,720
Well, it includes delivery.

274
00:17:35,400 --> 00:17:39,320
What you've just eaten, Gastric, is black pudding.

275
00:17:39,320 --> 00:17:41,120
Oh, I like black pudding.

276
00:17:41,120 --> 00:17:44,600
Ah, you see. That shows your darker side.

277
00:17:44,600 --> 00:17:46,480
It's black pudding.

278
00:17:46,480 --> 00:17:49,640
And dammed expensive at 50p a hit.

279
00:17:49,640 --> 00:17:52,720
What's dark about black pudding, you may ask?

280
00:17:52,720 --> 00:17:55,560
Well, it's made of blood, isn't it?

281
00:17:55,560 --> 00:18:00,120
So, now we've established that you've got a taste for blood.

282
00:18:00,120 --> 00:18:04,080
Have you ever had your family history checked?

283
00:18:04,080 --> 00:18:07,600
We don't speak to some cousins in Newton-le-Fenwick.

284
00:18:07,600 --> 00:18:10,000
But that were their fault.

285
00:18:10,000 --> 00:18:13,200
Have you got any relatives in Transylvania?

286
00:18:15,320 --> 00:18:17,000
Mainly Clitheroe.

287
00:18:18,160 --> 00:18:19,920
Well, that's close enough.

288
00:18:19,920 --> 00:18:24,200
It's clear to me, and to any unbiased person, Gastric,

289
00:18:24,200 --> 00:18:28,000
that you have some Dracula in your DNA.

290
00:18:41,920 --> 00:18:46,600
Oh! How are you today, Mrs Featherstone?

291
00:18:46,600 --> 00:18:50,760
Probably on the downward slope from the prime years, Granville,

292
00:18:50,760 --> 00:18:55,160
but they're still a lot here for persons of an adventurous disposition.

293
00:18:55,160 --> 00:18:56,840
HE CLEARS THROAT

294
00:18:56,840 --> 00:18:58,400
How is Mr Newbold?

295
00:18:58,400 --> 00:19:01,440
I'm still looking for his adventurous side.

296
00:19:01,440 --> 00:19:05,440
I invited him upstairs recently to remove a squirrel from my loft.

297
00:19:05,440 --> 00:19:08,520
Well, you've got to test their basic skills.

298
00:19:08,520 --> 00:19:10,680
And how are his basic skills?

299
00:19:10,680 --> 00:19:13,720
I've no idea. He just removed a squirrel from my loft.

300
00:19:17,720 --> 00:19:22,800
Now, Granville, how would you like to slice me a little bacon?

301
00:19:24,680 --> 00:19:26,720
Half a pound, Mrs Featherstone?

302
00:19:26,720 --> 00:19:28,520
Or, enough for any single person.

303
00:19:30,560 --> 00:19:34,280
You know, Granville, I sometimes look at you and I think,

304
00:19:34,280 --> 00:19:38,280
"Is he wasting his best years, and if so, does he need a hand?"

305
00:19:39,280 --> 00:19:41,960
Shall I leave the rind on, Mrs Featherstone?

306
00:19:41,960 --> 00:19:43,640
Oh, go along with you.

307
00:19:43,640 --> 00:19:45,760
I didn't come in here to get sporty.

308
00:19:51,360 --> 00:19:54,640
Not that I couldn't, if the situation demanded it.

309
00:19:56,800 --> 00:19:59,760
Oh, go on. We're both adults. Leave it on.

310
00:20:02,200 --> 00:20:06,600
What makes you think I can shift the noises from Madge's place?

311
00:20:06,600 --> 00:20:10,720
You're going to impress Madge with your knowledge.

312
00:20:10,720 --> 00:20:14,960
- Oh, she'll just go, "Urgh!" 
- No, no, she won't,

313
00:20:14,960 --> 00:20:20,880
not when she hears how much you've found out about the troubled spirit

314
00:20:20,880 --> 00:20:23,400
that is roaming her house.

315
00:20:23,400 --> 00:20:26,760
- I don't believe...
- Yes, you do!

316
00:20:26,760 --> 00:20:34,000
We discovered that Madge's house once belonged to...

317
00:20:35,160 --> 00:20:37,840
..a Crabist.

318
00:20:37,840 --> 00:20:40,760
- What's a Crabist? 
- He's glad you asked that.

319
00:20:43,520 --> 00:20:48,840
The Crabists were fanatical followers of a certain...

320
00:20:48,840 --> 00:20:51,600
- cobbler.
- You see?

321
00:20:51,600 --> 00:20:53,680
Cobblers already.

322
00:20:53,680 --> 00:20:57,280
No, no... He was a prophet that arose out of Birmingham.

323
00:20:57,280 --> 00:21:02,280
His name was Barry Crab, and that is spelt cu-rah-ab-eh.

324
00:21:02,280 --> 00:21:04,760
- Right?
- Shall I have to spell it?

325
00:21:04,760 --> 00:21:06,160
No, no.

326
00:21:06,160 --> 00:21:07,800
It's highly unlikely.

327
00:21:07,800 --> 00:21:11,600
All you have to do is just remember that Barry Crab was hung,

328
00:21:11,600 --> 00:21:13,840
drawn and quartered, right,

329
00:21:13,840 --> 00:21:16,600
in the year 1540 for preaching that

330
00:21:16,600 --> 00:21:19,960
heaven was just outside Stoke-on-Trent.

331
00:21:21,520 --> 00:21:26,400
So, there was once a Crabist in Madge's house.

332
00:21:26,400 --> 00:21:28,760
How does that account for the noises?

333
00:21:28,760 --> 00:21:33,960
Well, his followers all believed that Preacher Crab, right,

334
00:21:33,960 --> 00:21:38,000
would one day return as promised.

335
00:21:39,440 --> 00:21:41,640
Am I to remember all this?

336
00:21:42,840 --> 00:21:46,520
Very unlikely. If you can't remember, just go into a trance.

337
00:21:46,520 --> 00:21:48,800
How do I do that?

338
00:21:48,800 --> 00:21:50,640
That's it. Well done.

339
00:21:50,640 --> 00:21:53,520
That's it. Just do that. Perfect.

340
00:22:08,360 --> 00:22:12,760
While Leroy is getting Gastric ready for Madge,

341
00:22:12,760 --> 00:22:18,000
I thought I might interest you in a little bit of grocer's delight.

342
00:22:18,000 --> 00:22:20,600
Last time we got interrupted.

343
00:22:20,600 --> 00:22:23,800
I know, but I've told Leroy to take his time.

344
00:22:23,800 --> 00:22:26,920
I never know what to wear for being interrupted.

345
00:22:26,920 --> 00:22:29,360
I wish I'd worn something nicer.

346
00:22:29,360 --> 00:22:31,960
Oh, no, don't worry. You look great.

347
00:22:39,240 --> 00:22:41,080
- How does he look?
- Early!

348
00:22:43,280 --> 00:22:46,520
- Well, we can come back later. 
- No, it's too late.

349
00:22:46,520 --> 00:22:48,320
Why is he wearing make-up?

350
00:22:48,320 --> 00:22:50,760
I were wondering that.

351
00:22:50,760 --> 00:22:53,840
If I see any mates, they'll be wondering that.

352
00:22:53,840 --> 00:22:59,240
Gastric is going to impress Madge by banishing the spirits from her room,

353
00:22:59,240 --> 00:23:03,120
so we're trying to lift his image to look a bit more...

354
00:23:03,120 --> 00:23:05,760
Well, you know, sinister.

355
00:23:05,760 --> 00:23:08,520
I still don't know why I'm dressed up like a tart.

356
00:23:10,120 --> 00:23:12,560
It's all right. You look...

357
00:23:12,560 --> 00:23:14,680
You look dishy.

358
00:23:14,680 --> 00:23:18,840
No, no. I don't mean dishy, I mean... What do I mean?

359
00:23:20,120 --> 00:23:21,760
Ludicrous.

360
00:23:23,560 --> 00:23:25,840
Yes, ludicrous... No, not ludicrous.

361
00:23:25,840 --> 00:23:30,880
No, no. He's dressed like that to stop Madge thinking that...

362
00:23:30,880 --> 00:23:32,520
What?

363
00:23:32,520 --> 00:23:34,720
Oh, tell him, will you, Leroy?

364
00:23:34,720 --> 00:23:38,480
- Oh, yeah, pass it to me. 
- Tell me what?

365
00:23:38,480 --> 00:23:39,840
Mavis?

366
00:23:42,880 --> 00:23:46,120
Well, it's because she thinks you're a...

367
00:23:46,120 --> 00:23:48,240
She kind of sees you as...

368
00:23:49,440 --> 00:23:52,920
Or you could say she has this impression of you as...

369
00:23:52,920 --> 00:23:54,680
Of course, I could be wrong.

370
00:23:56,080 --> 00:23:58,800
Madge thinks you're a wally.

371
00:23:58,800 --> 00:24:01,440
And of course, you are a wally.

372
00:24:01,440 --> 00:24:03,560
But a nice wally.

373
00:24:03,560 --> 00:24:07,480
Oh, for a moment, I thought you were going to say something rude to me.

374
00:24:13,640 --> 00:24:18,480
CAR HORN BLARES

375
00:24:18,480 --> 00:24:20,760
TYRES SCREECH

376
00:24:26,840 --> 00:24:28,320
CLATTERING

377
00:24:28,320 --> 00:24:30,000
- Sh!
- I'm sorry.

378
00:24:30,000 --> 00:24:33,880
Right, the ladder's up near Madge's window where she won't see it.

379
00:24:33,880 --> 00:24:36,040
I'm not clamouring up there again.

380
00:24:36,040 --> 00:24:37,720
It's not for you.

381
00:24:37,720 --> 00:24:39,400
It's for me.

382
00:24:39,400 --> 00:24:42,600
I'm going to go up the ladder, in through the window,

383
00:24:42,600 --> 00:24:45,720
and then I'm going to stomp about

384
00:24:45,720 --> 00:24:51,200
- and then I'm going to come out and nip back down the ladder.
- All right.

385
00:24:51,200 --> 00:24:52,800
I think.

386
00:24:52,800 --> 00:24:58,320
And all you've got to do is command Barry Crab to leave the premises.

387
00:24:58,320 --> 00:25:00,520
Right, I remember that bit.

388
00:25:00,520 --> 00:25:03,040
- I can do that.
- Right, good.

389
00:25:03,040 --> 00:25:06,440
My hero. You will be flavour of the month.

390
00:25:06,440 --> 00:25:07,960
Which month?

391
00:25:09,040 --> 00:25:11,600
Don't confuse him any more, will you?

392
00:25:14,440 --> 00:25:16,320
Right, hold the bottom.

393
00:25:17,400 --> 00:25:19,480
I can't sleep in that room.

394
00:25:19,480 --> 00:25:21,600
Then you'll have to sleep in my room.

395
00:25:21,600 --> 00:25:23,280
Well, you've got cold feet.

396
00:25:23,280 --> 00:25:25,280
Well, I sleep with them.

397
00:25:25,280 --> 00:25:27,560
BANGING

398
00:25:27,560 --> 00:25:28,960
Listen!

399
00:25:28,960 --> 00:25:32,200
BANGING

400
00:25:40,000 --> 00:25:41,480
Have no fear.

401
00:25:41,480 --> 00:25:43,080
The spirit shifter's here.

402
00:25:44,880 --> 00:25:46,560
Oh, give him a try.

403
00:25:46,560 --> 00:25:48,400
What have you got to lose?

404
00:25:51,200 --> 00:25:53,560
What a place to leave a ladder.

405
00:25:53,560 --> 00:25:55,480
Someone might walk into it.

406
00:25:55,480 --> 00:25:57,960
Or walk off with it.

407
00:25:57,960 --> 00:25:59,880
We'll put it in Granville's yard.

408
00:26:00,880 --> 00:26:02,960
I'm getting a good feeling.

409
00:26:02,960 --> 00:26:05,160
Doing something for the community.

410
00:26:05,160 --> 00:26:06,760
That Eric...

411
00:26:07,920 --> 00:26:10,000
..they'll say...

412
00:26:10,000 --> 00:26:12,200
public spirited.

413
00:26:12,200 --> 00:26:15,480
That Eric, they'll say, making a bog off carrying a ladder.

414
00:26:15,480 --> 00:26:17,440
It's heavier than it looks.

415
00:26:19,040 --> 00:26:21,760
So, is life since Mrs Featherstone.

416
00:26:23,560 --> 00:26:26,840
BANGING

417
00:26:32,920 --> 00:26:35,400
BANGING

418
00:26:35,400 --> 00:26:38,000
That sounds to me like...

419
00:26:39,640 --> 00:26:41,520
..Barry Crab.

420
00:26:43,120 --> 00:26:45,080
I command thee,

421
00:26:45,080 --> 00:26:46,640
leave this house!

422
00:26:48,880 --> 00:26:50,960
BANGING STOPS

423
00:27:10,080 --> 00:27:12,080
Argh!

424
00:27:14,200 --> 00:27:18,120
Urgh! Aw! Ooh!

425
00:27:18,120 --> 00:27:19,480
Ooh!

426
00:27:24,520 --> 00:27:26,240
I'm sorry, Mrs Featherstone.

427
00:27:26,240 --> 00:27:29,600
No, this is more excitement than I've had all week.

428
00:27:37,200 --> 00:27:41,440
'I must stop lying on Mrs Featherstone.

429
00:27:41,440 --> 00:27:44,000
'I'd like to know who moved that ladder.

430
00:27:52,320 --> 00:27:57,360
'Still, at least Gastric finally got a smile from Madge.

431
00:27:57,360 --> 00:27:59,360
'At least he thought it was a smile.

432
00:28:03,760 --> 00:28:07,920
'Lord, keep us free from all flying basins tonight.

433
00:28:10,200 --> 00:28:14,120
'A powerful grip, that Mrs Featherstone.

434
00:28:14,120 --> 00:28:17,360
'Who would believe it took ten minutes to wriggle free?'