1
00:00:02,000 --> 00:00:04,920
Anyway, they said that he could whistle

2
00:00:04,920 --> 00:00:07,000
in three octaves.

3
00:00:07,000 --> 00:00:08,440
He died whistling.

4
00:00:09,600 --> 00:00:12,680
And when they opened him up at the postmortem,

5
00:00:12,680 --> 00:00:14,520
the last three notes came out.

6
00:00:17,360 --> 00:00:19,000
Did they recognise the tune?

7
00:00:19,000 --> 00:00:21,080
Well, the pathologist said

8
00:00:21,080 --> 00:00:23,960
it sounded like acute cardiac Moon River.

9
00:00:25,880 --> 00:00:27,520
I thought he died of old age.

10
00:00:27,520 --> 00:00:30,680
Yeah, well, there was that, too. Mm-hm.

11
00:00:30,680 --> 00:00:34,120
- Hey, you want something else to think about?
- Hmm?

12
00:00:34,120 --> 00:00:35,720
The guy at the Post Office said

13
00:00:35,720 --> 00:00:38,720
- there's a load of forged banknotes knocking about.
- Huh?

14
00:00:38,720 --> 00:00:41,960
How do you tell? And why has Granville gone white?

15
00:00:41,960 --> 00:00:43,880
Hardly detectable.

16
00:00:43,880 --> 00:00:45,640
Except by experts.

17
00:00:45,640 --> 00:00:46,960
Oh!

18
00:00:46,960 --> 00:00:49,200
Oh... HORN PARPS

19
00:00:49,200 --> 00:00:50,760
Agh! Agh! Oh!

20
00:00:52,120 --> 00:00:54,240
- HE PANTS 
- Oh! We need a van.

21
00:00:54,240 --> 00:00:56,840
I mean, this is humiliating at my age.

22
00:00:56,840 --> 00:01:01,360
I should be mobile. I see me in aviator sunglasses,

23
00:01:01,360 --> 00:01:06,200
reclining on leather upholstery, room inside for selected customers.

24
00:01:06,200 --> 00:01:08,920
Don't pressure your father while he's hyperventilating.

25
00:01:10,680 --> 00:01:14,680
- What's wrong?
- His money belt's just developed a murmur.

26
00:01:14,680 --> 00:01:17,000
It's all right, I'll be all right in a minute.

27
00:01:17,000 --> 00:01:19,600
It's just everything went, like, a funny colour.

28
00:01:19,600 --> 00:01:24,000
Especially around the bit that says, "I promise to pay the bearer." Ooh!

29
00:01:41,000 --> 00:01:43,520
LOCKS CLICK

30
00:01:43,520 --> 00:01:45,040
HE SIGHS

31
00:02:06,520 --> 00:02:08,520
Don't you go snapping at me!

32
00:02:08,520 --> 00:02:11,080
You save that for any forged notes.

33
00:02:11,080 --> 00:02:15,040
If any slip past me, I want you spitting them out.

34
00:02:18,040 --> 00:02:22,040
- We need a vehicle.
- You can take that off, I get the message.

35
00:02:22,040 --> 00:02:25,680
- Does that mean we'll get a vehicle? 
- No, it means I get the message.

36
00:02:25,680 --> 00:02:29,360
I can't keep borrowing one. We've got to get our own.

37
00:02:29,360 --> 00:02:31,280
You've got to get me off that shop bike.

38
00:02:31,280 --> 00:02:33,640
Look at me, I'm saddle sore!

39
00:02:33,640 --> 00:02:35,400
Doesn't show.

40
00:02:35,400 --> 00:02:37,600
I'm walking bow-legged!

41
00:02:37,600 --> 00:02:40,800
Large, friendly dogs could walk straight through!

42
00:02:40,800 --> 00:02:44,680
And what unfriendly dogs could do, I shudder to think.

43
00:02:44,680 --> 00:02:49,160
Anyway, we manage perfectly well without a vehicle.

44
00:02:49,160 --> 00:02:51,720
While all the time, I'm offering my nether regions

45
00:02:51,720 --> 00:02:53,560
as a hostage to fortune!

46
00:02:53,560 --> 00:02:55,320
Just like your mother.

47
00:02:57,440 --> 00:02:59,800
And you said last year you'd think about it.

48
00:02:59,800 --> 00:03:02,120
Well, I AM thinking about it.

49
00:03:02,120 --> 00:03:03,280
Well, while you're at it,

50
00:03:03,280 --> 00:03:05,760
think about that big wheel of cheese you bought.

51
00:03:05,760 --> 00:03:08,400
Still in there, stinking out the warehouse.

52
00:03:08,400 --> 00:03:11,440
Releasing its noble flavour.

53
00:03:11,440 --> 00:03:14,480
They don't like it, they all say it's too hard.

54
00:03:14,480 --> 00:03:15,760
BELL RINGS

55
00:03:15,760 --> 00:03:17,280
Oh...

56
00:03:17,280 --> 00:03:21,520
Ah, Madge's boyfriend. Ha-ha! How are you today, Gastric?

57
00:03:21,520 --> 00:03:25,600
She sees me, she goes, "Eugh!"

58
00:03:26,760 --> 00:03:30,520
But she doesn't do it to anyone else.

59
00:03:30,520 --> 00:03:33,440
Shows you how special you are.

60
00:03:33,440 --> 00:03:37,720
Right. I want bacon and sausage, eggs and beans, please.

61
00:03:37,720 --> 00:03:39,960
Right, and cheese to follow?

62
00:03:39,960 --> 00:03:42,400
- Cheese?
- Yeah, cheese.

63
00:03:42,400 --> 00:03:45,160
It's all right, we've got plenty, don't panic.

64
00:03:46,840 --> 00:03:49,080
Oh, dear, oh, dear.

65
00:03:49,080 --> 00:03:50,400
I don't know...

66
00:04:05,280 --> 00:04:06,600
What's wrong with it?

67
00:04:06,600 --> 00:04:09,760
You'd better give me another one as a spare, just in case.

68
00:04:22,360 --> 00:04:25,160
How long are you going to be nasty about it?

69
00:04:25,160 --> 00:04:29,240
Well, I was thinking, maybe ALWAYS.

70
00:04:29,240 --> 00:04:32,800
Your brother gets me into more trouble than your mother does.

71
00:04:32,800 --> 00:04:34,640
Have you no compassion?

72
00:04:34,640 --> 00:04:36,720
His heart is broken!

73
00:04:36,720 --> 00:04:40,120
Ah, but in fairness, I don't think his head's fully functioning.

74
00:04:41,280 --> 00:04:44,040
And just remember, who, on their day off,

75
00:04:44,040 --> 00:04:48,080
- took him out and looked after him? 
- You call that looking after him?!

76
00:04:48,080 --> 00:04:50,040
I said take him out and amuse him.

77
00:04:50,040 --> 00:04:51,200
Not lose him!

78
00:04:53,360 --> 00:04:55,000
Don't think it was easy!

79
00:04:56,120 --> 00:04:57,560
He took some losing.

80
00:04:58,800 --> 00:05:00,880
Why do you dislike our Lester?

81
00:05:00,880 --> 00:05:02,680
I don't dislike your Lester.

82
00:05:03,680 --> 00:05:05,400
I just dislike your Lester being here.

83
00:05:06,720 --> 00:05:08,240
He misses his wife.

84
00:05:10,120 --> 00:05:11,800
I miss mine.

85
00:05:11,800 --> 00:05:15,040
Oh, don't start.

86
00:05:15,040 --> 00:05:17,000
Oh, come on.

87
00:05:18,880 --> 00:05:23,080
How can you keep running that iron over me undies and not feel playful?

88
00:05:24,920 --> 00:05:26,720
HISSING

89
00:05:26,720 --> 00:05:29,120
It's ten o'clock in the morning. Get real!

90
00:05:30,480 --> 00:05:34,840
I have been seriously misled about the joys of togetherness!

91
00:05:49,280 --> 00:05:50,960
Ooh! BELL RINGS

92
00:05:55,880 --> 00:05:58,880
- Hello, Mavis.
- Hello, Granville.

93
00:05:58,880 --> 00:06:03,720
Oh, I love the way you say, "Hello, Granville". It gets me every time.

94
00:06:03,720 --> 00:06:05,320
It's just a "Hello, Granville."

95
00:06:05,320 --> 00:06:09,960
No, it's not, it's the Mona Lisa of Hello, Granvilles.

96
00:06:11,840 --> 00:06:14,960
So, what have you come in the shop for, some cheese?

97
00:06:14,960 --> 00:06:17,840
Oh, I'm sorry. Naughty, you shouldn't have said that.

98
00:06:19,440 --> 00:06:21,560
You get a free pass.

99
00:06:21,560 --> 00:06:24,240
- What were you doing down there behind the counter?
- Oh?

100
00:06:24,240 --> 00:06:27,400
Well, I was looking for your lost earring.

101
00:06:27,400 --> 00:06:28,920
But I haven't lost one.

102
00:06:28,920 --> 00:06:32,520
No, that's because I haven't got you behind here yet.

103
00:06:32,520 --> 00:06:35,960
- You make me blush! 
- I've got a cure for that.

104
00:06:35,960 --> 00:06:37,560
I wish.

105
00:06:37,560 --> 00:06:41,280
It's down here somewhere, along with that earring you've lost.

106
00:06:41,280 --> 00:06:43,240
Ha-ha, ha-ha.

107
00:06:43,240 --> 00:06:45,440
Come and help me look?

108
00:06:45,440 --> 00:06:47,080
Someone always comes in.

109
00:06:48,560 --> 00:06:51,280
I know, it's the grocer's lottery.

110
00:06:52,640 --> 00:06:55,400
We always live on the edge.

111
00:06:56,600 --> 00:06:59,720
- Look, we really do need a van, cos I...
- Oh, get out!

112
00:07:05,040 --> 00:07:06,640
It's none of my business -

113
00:07:06,640 --> 00:07:09,720
this thing between you and Mrs Featherstone...

114
00:07:09,720 --> 00:07:12,240
I don't see it as a thing.

115
00:07:12,240 --> 00:07:15,400
It's illegal! I've been kidnapped.

116
00:07:15,400 --> 00:07:18,480
She doesn't keep me locked up, but it's there.

117
00:07:18,480 --> 00:07:21,040
You must be very attractive to women.

118
00:07:21,040 --> 00:07:25,800
Me? I let the hair grow in me ears, I wear long underwear!

119
00:07:25,800 --> 00:07:28,720
- In summer? 
- Well, lightweight in summer.

120
00:07:30,080 --> 00:07:33,520
No, no! You must have something.

121
00:07:33,520 --> 00:07:36,640
You come out the blue and she makes a beeline for you.

122
00:07:36,640 --> 00:07:40,080
You're some kind of... honeypot for women.

123
00:07:42,760 --> 00:07:45,040
You wish to hear my secret fantasy?

124
00:07:46,280 --> 00:07:48,000
Now we're getting somewhere!

125
00:07:51,000 --> 00:07:53,960
I wish to drive the Flying Scotsman.

126
00:07:55,840 --> 00:07:58,040
You won't give it up, will you?

127
00:07:58,040 --> 00:08:01,040
You've got the secret and you're keeping it.

128
00:08:01,040 --> 00:08:04,760
I'll tell you what I am doing - I'm toughening up.

129
00:08:04,760 --> 00:08:08,280
I intend to rid myself of Mrs Featherstone.

130
00:08:08,280 --> 00:08:12,360
Come along, Mr Newbould. You'll need your car to take me into town.

131
00:08:12,360 --> 00:08:14,720
See ya.

132
00:08:14,720 --> 00:08:16,560
See ya.

133
00:08:20,280 --> 00:08:24,600
So, you want to know the secret of Mr Newbould's power over the ladies?

134
00:08:24,600 --> 00:08:28,800
I don't know about ladies, I thought it was just Mrs Featherstone.

135
00:08:28,800 --> 00:08:32,400
Oh! No, no, no. He's got them all over.

136
00:08:32,400 --> 00:08:34,760
He's known as The Bull down at the bowling club.

137
00:08:36,520 --> 00:08:38,840
- Bull Newbould?
- Mm-hm!

138
00:08:38,840 --> 00:08:42,800
- I knew he was trying to hold out on me!
- Ha-ha!

139
00:08:42,800 --> 00:08:45,200
Tells me he wears long underwear.

140
00:08:45,200 --> 00:08:49,440
Oh, no. Jockeys. Practically a thong.

141
00:08:51,160 --> 00:08:53,840
- Lying old fraud!
- He-he!

142
00:08:53,840 --> 00:08:59,200
Does Mrs Featherstone know about his, er, extra bowling activities?

143
00:08:59,200 --> 00:09:01,720
Shh, shh! No, no, no, no, you mustn't say a word.

144
00:09:01,720 --> 00:09:05,000
- She'd kill him! 
- Hey, his secret's safe with me.

145
00:09:05,000 --> 00:09:08,560
I'm tight as a drum. My missus calls me The Clamp.

146
00:09:08,560 --> 00:09:12,560
Anyway, let's get down to it. So, what is this secret?

147
00:09:12,560 --> 00:09:18,600
Well, it is a little underrated dairy product that I keep for him.

148
00:09:18,600 --> 00:09:22,600
But if you could keep your mouth shut...

149
00:09:22,600 --> 00:09:24,480
I'm a clam, me.

150
00:09:26,800 --> 00:09:28,120
I can only whisper it.

151
00:09:29,240 --> 00:09:31,480
Go on, then. Go 'ead.

152
00:09:31,480 --> 00:09:33,200
Cheese.

153
00:09:33,200 --> 00:09:35,120
- Cheese?
- Shh!

154
00:09:35,120 --> 00:09:37,800
- Cheese.
- Cheese?
- Yes.
- Oh!

155
00:09:37,800 --> 00:09:40,560
Is it some sort of special cheese, not ordinary cheese?

156
00:09:40,560 --> 00:09:45,080
It's all got this powerful effect on...

157
00:09:45,080 --> 00:09:47,320
certain hormones.

158
00:09:47,320 --> 00:09:50,240
It's what you said about the Marmite.

159
00:09:50,240 --> 00:09:51,880
It never worked for me.

160
00:09:51,880 --> 00:09:54,880
No, that was because you were in such a hurry, weren't you?

161
00:09:54,880 --> 00:09:56,600
I mean, you wouldn't wait

162
00:09:56,600 --> 00:09:59,960
until Venus was in configuration with Mars!

163
00:09:59,960 --> 00:10:02,760
It was the only weekend her mother was away.

164
00:10:02,760 --> 00:10:05,560
Well, you can't push these things.

165
00:10:05,560 --> 00:10:08,400
There are limits, even to Marmite.

166
00:10:08,400 --> 00:10:12,040
- But...
- Cheese, you will be pleased to hear,

167
00:10:12,040 --> 00:10:15,120
works any evening after 7pm.

168
00:10:16,760 --> 00:10:20,840
They, say if you eat cheese late, you can't sleep.

169
00:10:21,920 --> 00:10:26,480
And I'm saying, if you do eat cheese late, you won't WANT to sleep.

170
00:10:26,480 --> 00:10:27,800
Oh?

171
00:10:45,720 --> 00:10:48,920
Er, not yet. I'll tell you when.

172
00:10:48,920 --> 00:10:51,240
I thought we might take this quiet moment

173
00:10:51,240 --> 00:10:54,560
to agree some small advance in our relationship.

174
00:10:54,560 --> 00:10:57,880
Well, it seems to have advanced pretty rapidly to me.

175
00:10:57,880 --> 00:11:00,360
But I've kept you at arm's length, Mr Newbould.

176
00:11:00,360 --> 00:11:05,080
Which has always been my custom in the first flush of an entanglement.

177
00:11:05,080 --> 00:11:08,280
Arm's length is fine by me, I'm really quite...

178
00:11:08,280 --> 00:11:11,720
You've been very good, you've held yourself in check,

179
00:11:11,720 --> 00:11:14,760
it's not gone unnoticed. And, as a reward,

180
00:11:14,760 --> 00:11:18,280
I think it's time to release you a little from full restraint.

181
00:11:20,560 --> 00:11:23,800
- What do you have in mind? 
- Oh, nothing as far as that!

182
00:11:23,800 --> 00:11:28,120
No, I thought I might just allow you a few minor shows of affection.

183
00:11:28,120 --> 00:11:30,120
Are you sure? I mean, I'm quite...

184
00:11:30,120 --> 00:11:33,240
Nothing radical! A peck on the cheek,

185
00:11:33,240 --> 00:11:35,760
you could take my arm occasionally...

186
00:11:35,760 --> 00:11:37,480
I don't want you leaping on me!

187
00:11:49,000 --> 00:11:50,840
< DRILLING

188
00:11:56,920 --> 00:11:59,200
- Look at me.
- Hmm?

189
00:11:59,200 --> 00:12:01,120
I'm bow-legged!

190
00:12:01,120 --> 00:12:03,000
I've had a word with Gastric.

191
00:12:03,000 --> 00:12:05,960
You know he dabbles in second-hand vehicles?

192
00:12:05,960 --> 00:12:09,800
Well, I've got one coming for us to look at.

193
00:12:09,800 --> 00:12:11,840
Ohh! Oh-ho-ho!

194
00:12:11,840 --> 00:12:13,360
Hey, all right!

195
00:12:13,360 --> 00:12:16,240
Don't do that, I don't know where they've been.

196
00:12:17,800 --> 00:12:19,120
What are you drilling?

197
00:12:21,560 --> 00:12:23,320
Cheese.

198
00:12:23,320 --> 00:12:25,360
Oh, right, as you do.

199
00:12:25,360 --> 00:12:27,840
Yes, well, they don't like the hard variety,

200
00:12:27,840 --> 00:12:32,560
so I thought to see how they'd get on with the Yorkshire Swiss kind.

201
00:12:33,920 --> 00:12:35,640
Yeah. Right.

202
00:12:35,640 --> 00:12:36,960
Swiss.

203
00:12:50,680 --> 00:12:55,040
- Thank you.
- Oh, haven't you got anything smaller?

204
00:12:55,040 --> 00:12:58,360
- Er, sorry. 
- It is possible, Mrs Hussein,

205
00:12:58,360 --> 00:13:01,480
that you have been given a forged note.

206
00:13:01,480 --> 00:13:04,840
- What would happen then?
- I would just have to give it back to you.

207
00:13:04,840 --> 00:13:07,480
Well, wouldn't that mean that YOU were passing forged notes?

208
00:13:11,560 --> 00:13:15,720
No, it would mean that I'm refusing to accept it.

209
00:13:31,400 --> 00:13:34,800
- I could come back later, when you've finished.
- Right...

210
00:13:34,800 --> 00:13:37,240
I think this one's all right, yeah.

211
00:13:37,240 --> 00:13:38,920
You don't look too sure.

212
00:13:38,920 --> 00:13:42,400
You never can be too sure, as a grocer,

213
00:13:42,400 --> 00:13:45,000
with all the wickedness out there.

214
00:13:45,000 --> 00:13:47,520
Oh, you've heard about her at number 14, then?

215
00:13:51,520 --> 00:13:54,200
- So, I'm busy in the kitchen.... 
- DRIER WHIRS

216
00:13:54,200 --> 00:13:58,000
..and the door opens and Eric pops his head round

217
00:13:58,000 --> 00:14:00,960
and he gives me this look and he says...

218
00:14:00,960 --> 00:14:03,440
- LIKE ERIC:
- "Why don't we eat more cheese?!"

219
00:14:03,440 --> 00:14:05,200
..slams the door and he's gone!

220
00:14:07,040 --> 00:14:09,440
Have you had him looked at lately?

221
00:14:09,440 --> 00:14:11,080
Where would you start?

222
00:14:12,280 --> 00:14:15,120
Is your Eric sleeping?

223
00:14:15,120 --> 00:14:17,120
I've no idea.

224
00:14:17,120 --> 00:14:19,440
He's in the other bedroom.

225
00:14:19,440 --> 00:14:21,360
He's on punishment detail.

226
00:14:21,360 --> 00:14:25,520
Oh? Your mother, I say, your mother would be proud.

227
00:14:25,520 --> 00:14:30,000
What's he done? Is it specific, or just tactical?

228
00:14:31,240 --> 00:14:33,400
He lost my brother.

229
00:14:33,400 --> 00:14:35,600
Ooh! Shows initiative.

230
00:14:35,600 --> 00:14:37,600
How did he manage that?

231
00:14:37,600 --> 00:14:40,520
He left him in B&Q, looking at the lawn mowers.

232
00:14:40,520 --> 00:14:42,600
Eric said he forgot him.

233
00:14:42,600 --> 00:14:44,640
You can forget people.

234
00:14:44,640 --> 00:14:46,320
I forget people.

235
00:14:46,320 --> 00:14:48,040
Not in B&Q!

236
00:14:50,320 --> 00:14:52,520
Some people are easy to forget.

237
00:14:52,520 --> 00:14:56,120
My third husband was a natural, you could forget him anywhere.

238
00:14:56,120 --> 00:15:00,000
I used to wake up sometimes in a panic and think, "Who's this?"

239
00:15:00,000 --> 00:15:02,080
THEY GIGGLE

240
00:15:12,800 --> 00:15:13,840
HE BLOWS

241
00:15:13,840 --> 00:15:15,240
RAZOR BUZZES

242
00:15:23,960 --> 00:15:25,480
Ah! Ha-ha-ha.

243
00:15:28,720 --> 00:15:30,280
BELL RINGS

244
00:15:32,000 --> 00:15:37,320
- Ah!
- Listen, the only thing I can find for you, at your price...

245
00:15:37,320 --> 00:15:40,600
- I'll take it.
- Well, you'd better have a look at it first.

246
00:15:40,600 --> 00:15:42,480
Well, of course I'll have a look at it.

247
00:15:42,480 --> 00:15:44,440
You don't think I'd throw money away, do you?

248
00:15:44,440 --> 00:15:46,840
Well, if you did, it would be on a piece of elastic.

249
00:15:48,360 --> 00:15:51,680
- You smell of diesel. 
- Of course I smell of diesel!

250
00:15:51,680 --> 00:15:55,360
What decent, practical bloke doesn't smell of diesel?

251
00:15:59,200 --> 00:16:01,160
Ohh! What's that?

252
00:16:01,160 --> 00:16:03,320
- 25p.
- Eh?

253
00:16:04,520 --> 00:16:09,600
Right, now, put that on, so we don't spoil the surprise.

254
00:16:09,600 --> 00:16:11,520
Come along, yeah.

255
00:16:11,520 --> 00:16:13,320
Right this way.

256
00:16:13,320 --> 00:16:14,800
Not long now.

257
00:16:14,800 --> 00:16:16,600
Ha-ha-ha.

258
00:16:16,600 --> 00:16:18,520
Does he realise she's clapped out?

259
00:16:18,520 --> 00:16:19,840
Shh!

260
00:16:19,840 --> 00:16:23,160
Right, you stay there, won't be a moment.

261
00:16:23,160 --> 00:16:28,760
Listen, don't say it was clapped out, just say, um,

262
00:16:28,760 --> 00:16:32,560
it's a good little runner, but needs a bit of attention.

263
00:16:32,560 --> 00:16:35,120
- Hello?
- Shut up, we're coming!

264
00:16:35,120 --> 00:16:38,440
- Now, did you fill the tank up? 
- Not for what you're paying!

265
00:16:39,680 --> 00:16:42,000
I wouldn't overdo it, for a start.

266
00:16:42,000 --> 00:16:44,400
I should build the fuel up gradually,

267
00:16:44,400 --> 00:16:46,880
let her get used to the weight.

268
00:16:46,880 --> 00:16:48,560
Right.

269
00:16:48,560 --> 00:16:51,280
- Hello?
- We're coming!

270
00:16:51,280 --> 00:16:54,120
I'm going to take his bucket off.

271
00:16:54,120 --> 00:17:00,120
So, I want you to stand by the van and look proud, OK? Right.

272
00:17:00,120 --> 00:17:02,640
All right, now, stand by.

273
00:17:02,640 --> 00:17:06,960
I don't want you rushing around the countryside, driving like a lunatic.

274
00:17:06,960 --> 00:17:10,000
Are you ready? Here comes the surprise.

275
00:17:10,000 --> 00:17:11,880
- Yes!
- Ooh!
- Oh?

276
00:17:13,440 --> 00:17:14,800
Ta-da!

277
00:17:14,800 --> 00:17:16,280
Hee-hee-hee.

278
00:17:23,160 --> 00:17:25,080
Can I have my bucket back, please?

279
00:17:26,240 --> 00:17:27,800
No.

280
00:17:27,800 --> 00:17:32,600
Don't worry about the bodywork. That's just, um, cosmetic.

281
00:17:32,600 --> 00:17:36,240
- A touch of paint.
- Well, it had better be a light touch, Gastric,

282
00:17:36,240 --> 00:17:38,320
or you'll be through what's left of the metal!

283
00:17:44,760 --> 00:17:47,320
- More tea?
- Sit still.

284
00:17:47,320 --> 00:17:49,440
You go flying out into that kitchen

285
00:17:49,440 --> 00:17:51,600
and I don't see you for half an hour.

286
00:17:51,600 --> 00:17:55,080
- What do you do out there? 
- I make the tea.

287
00:17:55,080 --> 00:17:57,640
A person could dehydrate.

288
00:17:57,640 --> 00:18:00,840
I think you go out there and deliberately dawdle.

289
00:18:00,840 --> 00:18:02,480
The kettle has to boil.

290
00:18:04,560 --> 00:18:07,880
Well, I don't see any signs of steam arising from you.

291
00:18:13,680 --> 00:18:15,760
Are you afraid of me, Mr Newbould?

292
00:18:18,040 --> 00:18:19,080
I wouldn't say...

293
00:18:21,560 --> 00:18:23,240
But then again, perhaps I would.

294
00:18:24,480 --> 00:18:25,520
Yes, I would.

295
00:18:26,880 --> 00:18:28,360
You terrify me.

296
00:18:29,920 --> 00:18:31,200
Excellent.

297
00:18:31,200 --> 00:18:35,240
- I can sense the progress since we began.
- What began?

298
00:18:36,360 --> 00:18:38,440
When did we begin?

299
00:18:38,440 --> 00:18:40,840
One moment I was living alone.

300
00:18:40,840 --> 00:18:42,360
Now look at me.

301
00:18:46,560 --> 00:18:48,240
Are those the socks you wore last week?

302
00:18:49,720 --> 00:18:52,040
Well, they have been washed in the interim.

303
00:18:52,040 --> 00:18:54,880
Those are very old widower's socks, Mr Newbould.

304
00:18:54,880 --> 00:18:56,440
They are joyless socks.

305
00:18:56,440 --> 00:19:00,360
They do not say life has regained its sparkle.

306
00:19:00,360 --> 00:19:03,880
I will not buy sparkling socks.

307
00:19:03,880 --> 00:19:06,960
Well, you'll have to do better than those.

308
00:19:06,960 --> 00:19:10,160
That is not one of the 50 shades of grey everybody's talking about.

309
00:19:16,520 --> 00:19:18,160
HE SIGHS

310
00:19:18,160 --> 00:19:21,160
- Right, well, how do I get this seat forward?
- I don't know.

311
00:19:21,160 --> 00:19:24,600
Well, there's probably a lever down there, I think. Yes, right.

312
00:19:24,600 --> 00:19:26,360
Oh, yeah, got it.

313
00:19:26,360 --> 00:19:27,560
THUD!

314
00:19:27,560 --> 00:19:29,320
So, I... Huh?

315
00:19:29,320 --> 00:19:32,080
Oh, there you are. All right, come on, that way.

316
00:19:32,080 --> 00:19:34,840
Yeah, there you go. You were a bit urgent there.

317
00:19:34,840 --> 00:19:38,480
Yes, it's on a ratchet, you'll feel it click in.

318
00:19:38,480 --> 00:19:41,200
What I feel is embarrassed!

319
00:19:41,200 --> 00:19:43,680
Well, what we need is the manual.

320
00:19:43,680 --> 00:19:47,280
There should be a driver's manual here somewhere.

321
00:19:47,280 --> 00:19:50,360
For something this age? It'll be in Latin!

322
00:19:50,360 --> 00:19:52,760
Ha-ha, in Latin!

323
00:19:52,760 --> 00:19:57,080
Very good. Um, no, it'll be in the glove compartment, won't it?

324
00:19:59,040 --> 00:20:04,000
It's a bit, um... Oh, it just probably needs just a screw.

325
00:20:04,000 --> 00:20:06,440
Give it to Gastric, will you?

326
00:20:06,440 --> 00:20:09,040
Right, um...

327
00:20:12,600 --> 00:20:17,360
Well, why don't we, er... you know, start her up, eh?

328
00:20:17,360 --> 00:20:19,080
ENGINE STRUGGLES

329
00:20:19,080 --> 00:20:20,120
LOUD BANG

330
00:20:20,120 --> 00:20:21,440
Yeah, she's trying.

331
00:20:21,440 --> 00:20:23,560
IT STRUGGLES THEN BANGS AGAIN

332
00:20:23,560 --> 00:20:24,600
She's trying.

333
00:20:24,600 --> 00:20:26,280
IT STRUGGLES THEN BANGS AGAIN

334
00:20:26,280 --> 00:20:27,520
She's still trying.

335
00:20:27,520 --> 00:20:29,680
ENGINE STARTS Hey!

336
00:20:29,680 --> 00:20:31,160
She's off!

337
00:20:31,160 --> 00:20:33,120
She's... Yes!

338
00:20:33,120 --> 00:20:35,240
She's off and running.

339
00:20:35,240 --> 00:20:39,320
Sounds sweet enough, doesn't it, once she settles down?

340
00:20:39,320 --> 00:20:42,120
Well, you've got everything here, haven't you?

341
00:20:42,120 --> 00:20:46,680
Look at this! You've got heating, look, and air conditioning, eh?

342
00:20:46,680 --> 00:20:50,200
So, whilst I'm in the shop, you know, sweating away,

343
00:20:50,200 --> 00:20:55,520
you'll be swanning around being like, you know, Mr Cool, yeah?

344
00:20:55,520 --> 00:20:58,480
Go on, give it a try. Air con, go on.

345
00:20:59,840 --> 00:21:01,600
- Oh!
- Ah, ah!

346
00:21:01,600 --> 00:21:03,160
Hey, hey!

347
00:21:03,160 --> 00:21:06,280
- No, that's... 
- Switch it off! Switch it off!

348
00:21:08,200 --> 00:21:10,240
- Hey!
- Ah! Ah!

349
00:21:13,240 --> 00:21:15,640
Well, it is cool, isn't it?

350
00:21:15,640 --> 00:21:18,000
- Freezing!
- Yeah.

351
00:21:18,000 --> 00:21:19,800
Oh, right.

352
00:21:19,800 --> 00:21:24,200
Anyway, let's, um, let's reverse her out of the yard, shall we?

353
00:21:24,200 --> 00:21:26,560
Give her a run down the road.

354
00:21:26,560 --> 00:21:28,200
Handbrake off...

355
00:21:31,040 --> 00:21:36,880
When I said take it off, I didn't mean, you know, TAKE IT OFF, did I?

356
00:21:36,880 --> 00:21:38,960
Give it to... Gastric?

357
00:21:42,680 --> 00:21:45,520
- All right, that's it!
- What?

358
00:21:45,520 --> 00:21:47,280
Well, you're buying too cheap.

359
00:21:47,280 --> 00:21:49,640
- HE TURNS THE ENGINE OFF Rubbish!
- Correct.

360
00:21:51,480 --> 00:21:54,240
Oh! Agh! Agh!

361
00:21:54,240 --> 00:21:55,960
Agh! Agh-agh! Oh!

362
00:21:55,960 --> 00:21:59,360
No, no. No! No! Take her back.

363
00:21:59,360 --> 00:22:00,840
I had this dream -

364
00:22:00,840 --> 00:22:04,480
leather upholstery, smooth, glossy paintwork.

365
00:22:06,320 --> 00:22:09,160
Not something that looks like a four-wheeled carrot!

366
00:22:10,320 --> 00:22:12,000
GRUNTS OF PAIN

367
00:22:13,760 --> 00:22:17,120
You must have another vehicle that you can't get rid of

368
00:22:17,120 --> 00:22:19,040
that would suit our needs?

369
00:22:19,040 --> 00:22:20,160
Huh?

370
00:22:22,560 --> 00:22:24,920
There, look at these noble lines.

371
00:22:24,920 --> 00:22:26,760
Look at the polish on her.

372
00:22:26,760 --> 00:22:28,880
She looks all right from front.

373
00:22:28,880 --> 00:22:31,440
Then again, so does she at number 14.

374
00:22:31,440 --> 00:22:35,960
Yeah, well, imagine her surprise when you turn up in this!

375
00:22:35,960 --> 00:22:38,480
Yeah, I can imagine.

376
00:22:47,520 --> 00:22:50,240
Hey, I never knew that about cheese.

377
00:22:50,240 --> 00:22:52,760
Oh, the Government keeps it quiet.

378
00:22:52,760 --> 00:22:55,880
They're worried about overpopulation.

379
00:22:55,880 --> 00:22:59,320
- So, how much do you want? 
- Oh, I'll take the whole piece.

380
00:22:59,320 --> 00:23:00,680
Oh, right!

381
00:23:00,680 --> 00:23:01,960
Ha-ha!

382
00:23:01,960 --> 00:23:05,000
Oh, doesn't anybody have the right change any more?

383
00:23:05,000 --> 00:23:09,240
- Well, I can come back tomorrow. 
- No, it's OK. I'll check it.

384
00:23:14,920 --> 00:23:17,200
Oh, they've started talking to you now!

385
00:23:18,720 --> 00:23:21,240
They must know who's their biggest fan.

386
00:23:28,080 --> 00:23:31,320
I reserve the right to return this if it isn't kosher.

387
00:23:31,320 --> 00:23:33,880
Well, if it's coming back, don't wear it out.

388
00:23:34,920 --> 00:23:36,720
Sign there.

389
00:23:36,720 --> 00:23:38,560
So I know where it's come from.

390
00:23:38,560 --> 00:23:41,080
- Well, it came from you, 20 minutes ago!
- Oh, ha-ha!

391
00:23:43,680 --> 00:23:44,840
BELL RINGS

392
00:23:46,920 --> 00:23:50,240
That thing is going to ruin my love life.

393
00:23:50,240 --> 00:23:55,400
Most people's love life works perfectly satisfactorily

394
00:23:55,400 --> 00:23:57,360
on leather upholstery.

395
00:23:57,360 --> 00:23:59,920
Not if you can't even get them inside!

396
00:23:59,920 --> 00:24:01,520
BELL RINGS

397
00:24:06,840 --> 00:24:09,040
I hope it's...no-one close.

398
00:24:10,040 --> 00:24:12,320
- Eh?
- The hearse outside!

399
00:24:13,800 --> 00:24:19,000
OK, OK, so it looks a bit too much like what it was.

400
00:24:19,000 --> 00:24:22,560
- But it's beautiful. 
- Pfft! He means cheap.

401
00:24:22,560 --> 00:24:25,200
It just needs commercialising.

402
00:24:25,200 --> 00:24:28,760
A few adverts on it, you know, to make it our own.

403
00:24:28,760 --> 00:24:32,680
Right, so, Gastric, you go and get your tools.

404
00:24:32,680 --> 00:24:36,600
- Cyril, you will help him, right? 
- Oh, I was just passing.

405
00:24:36,600 --> 00:24:40,120
- I really ought to get back... 
- Oh, don't fight it, Cyril.

406
00:24:40,120 --> 00:24:42,240
- You've been conscripted.
- Oh.

407
00:24:45,960 --> 00:24:51,000
And apparently, he left his undies behind, with his initials on!

408
00:24:51,000 --> 00:24:53,200
Well, if you get that close to a man,

409
00:24:53,200 --> 00:24:55,480
you ought to know what his name is.

410
00:24:55,480 --> 00:25:00,280
Initials are a bit unnecessary. It's like wearing a number plate.

411
00:25:00,280 --> 00:25:03,080
Well, I can't see the point of initials.

412
00:25:03,080 --> 00:25:06,400
If there was a whole chapter, at least you'd have something to read.

413
00:25:06,400 --> 00:25:09,520
Oh, I can't read in bed. The cat objects.

414
00:25:09,520 --> 00:25:11,800
I like Eric to read in bed.

415
00:25:11,800 --> 00:25:15,520
I've always got a spare book ready, just in case he finishes one.

416
00:25:15,520 --> 00:25:18,600
You should train your husband. I trained all mine.

417
00:25:18,600 --> 00:25:20,760
What were you training them for?

418
00:25:20,760 --> 00:25:23,040
Well, I wasn't entering them for anything.

419
00:25:23,040 --> 00:25:26,600
It's like climbing Everest, you do it because they're there.

420
00:25:26,600 --> 00:25:28,760
Mine was rarely there.

421
00:25:28,760 --> 00:25:32,160
Which is the nicest thing he ever did for me. Cheers!

422
00:25:32,160 --> 00:25:34,880
ALL: Cheers! THEY GIGGLE

423
00:25:44,800 --> 00:25:47,560
It was like catching the wrong bus, when I got married.

424
00:25:47,560 --> 00:25:50,200
As soon as I saw his initials on his pyjamas,

425
00:25:50,200 --> 00:25:53,200
I knew who he was really in love with.

426
00:25:53,200 --> 00:25:57,480
You see more than initials. Some people have tattoos

427
00:25:57,480 --> 00:26:00,920
where nobody's any business sticking their nib in.

428
00:26:00,920 --> 00:26:03,560
Eric wanted one. A dagger!

429
00:26:03,560 --> 00:26:06,080
I said, "Eric, start with something you know.

430
00:26:06,080 --> 00:26:08,480
"You know, like a pencil with a rubber on the end."

431
00:26:08,480 --> 00:26:10,320
LAUGHTER

432
00:26:10,320 --> 00:26:13,400
You can get some that, if you jiggle them about,

433
00:26:13,400 --> 00:26:15,120
they look like they're moving!

434
00:26:15,120 --> 00:26:16,840
They're called husbands.

435
00:26:16,840 --> 00:26:21,440
I think I can honestly say all of mine went to their graves unmarked.

436
00:26:21,440 --> 00:26:23,280
On the outside, anyway.

437
00:26:27,880 --> 00:26:30,480
Leroy? How's the shop?

438
00:26:31,760 --> 00:26:34,960
The new van is fine.

439
00:26:34,960 --> 00:26:38,640
Well, it's a classic vehicle.

440
00:26:38,640 --> 00:26:42,520
I've got a few more errands to run, and then I'll be back.

441
00:27:29,400 --> 00:27:33,400
'Well, we got them to the church on time in the end.

442
00:27:33,400 --> 00:27:36,240
'Although they looked a bit agitated

443
00:27:36,240 --> 00:27:40,040
'while I sorted my cardboard from my plastics.

444
00:27:44,520 --> 00:27:48,800
'I don't know why our Leroy has taken against it.

445
00:27:48,800 --> 00:27:51,040
'I thought the young were all in favour

446
00:27:51,040 --> 00:27:52,760
'of plenty of room in the back.'

447
00:27:59,560 --> 00:28:01,400
Have you got any special offers?

448
00:28:01,400 --> 00:28:03,960
Yes, I have. Fresh in today.

449
00:28:03,960 --> 00:28:06,800
- Oh, my favourite kind.
- Come on. THEY GIGGLE

450
00:28:13,160 --> 00:28:18,280
'I wonder if I could interest Mavis in that last bit of cheese.

451
00:28:19,560 --> 00:28:23,320
'Maybe it does have powerful effects after all. Hee-hee.'