1
00:00:10,960 --> 00:00:13,280
You let Old Man Bracket sell you too many.

2
00:00:14,280 --> 00:00:16,400
They're fresh from his allotment.

3
00:00:16,400 --> 00:00:18,240
It were a steal.

4
00:00:18,240 --> 00:00:20,000
You know why it was a steal.

5
00:00:20,000 --> 00:00:22,520
He's grown too many, and he can't get rid.

6
00:00:22,520 --> 00:00:25,600
- Neither can you.
- Just watch this space.

7
00:00:25,600 --> 00:00:27,840
You couldn't get rid of Dr Proctor's nerve tonic,.

8
00:00:27,840 --> 00:00:31,680
That were different, weren't it? Now we're professionals.

9
00:00:31,680 --> 00:00:33,680
Watch this. Watch this.

10
00:00:33,680 --> 00:00:36,120
Good day to you, Mrs Teasdale,

11
00:00:36,120 --> 00:00:40,640
don't tell me you intend walking past these lovely fresh turnips?

12
00:00:40,640 --> 00:00:43,200
Turnips? Oh, we're into quinoa.

13
00:00:45,840 --> 00:00:48,680
Last year she thought that quinoa was near Benidorm.

14
00:01:11,880 --> 00:01:13,320
HE SNIFFS

15
00:01:13,320 --> 00:01:14,760
HE SIGHS

16
00:01:17,920 --> 00:01:21,480
Some girl was making a lot of noise in this doorway last night.

17
00:01:21,480 --> 00:01:23,040
Woke you up, did she?

18
00:01:23,040 --> 00:01:24,560
Very much. I was with her.

19
00:01:26,240 --> 00:01:28,160
She never stops yakking.

20
00:01:28,160 --> 00:01:30,720
Worth it though, if you just ignore it and keep snogging.

21
00:01:33,280 --> 00:01:35,240
She's going to uni next month.

22
00:01:35,240 --> 00:01:37,960
I expect they'll ruin her for normal purposes.

23
00:02:00,560 --> 00:02:04,000
We're going to have to put a muzzle on this till.

24
00:02:04,000 --> 00:02:06,960
I think I'm in love with someone gobby and intelligent.

25
00:02:06,960 --> 00:02:09,640
Intelligence would do you no good at all.

26
00:02:09,640 --> 00:02:12,040
Gobby gets things done.

27
00:02:12,040 --> 00:02:14,880
She wanted to know what I thought about Salvador Dali.

28
00:02:14,880 --> 00:02:17,360
I told her, I don't even know who he plays for.

29
00:02:19,400 --> 00:02:21,640
She immediately withdrew my snogging privileges.

30
00:02:22,920 --> 00:02:26,920
Snogging? I thought you said that she were a talker.

31
00:02:26,920 --> 00:02:28,600
Yeah, she talks through it.

32
00:02:30,200 --> 00:02:32,760
- Morning.
- Good morning, Gastric.

33
00:02:32,760 --> 00:02:35,920
Right, what do I fancy for breakfast?

34
00:02:35,920 --> 00:02:37,080
Turnip.

35
00:02:38,680 --> 00:02:40,480
For breakfast?

36
00:02:40,480 --> 00:02:42,560
It's the new quinoa.

37
00:02:42,560 --> 00:02:44,800
You enjoyed it yesterday.

38
00:02:44,800 --> 00:02:46,720
I had bacon and eggs yesterday.

39
00:02:46,720 --> 00:02:50,200
Yes, you did, with thin fried slices of turnip.

40
00:02:50,200 --> 00:02:52,960
You said how much you enjoyed it.

41
00:02:52,960 --> 00:02:55,800
I never came in here twice yesterday morning?

42
00:02:55,800 --> 00:02:57,200
I were working on a roof.

43
00:02:58,240 --> 00:03:01,240
Oh, dear, your memory's going.

44
00:03:01,240 --> 00:03:05,200
We've seen it coming, me and Leroy. Don't you remember?

45
00:03:05,200 --> 00:03:06,560
Madge was in here.

46
00:03:07,920 --> 00:03:10,440
She gave you a kiss.

47
00:03:10,440 --> 00:03:12,680
I don't remember that.

48
00:03:12,680 --> 00:03:15,360
She usually goes, "Eww"!

49
00:03:17,000 --> 00:03:19,000
It's worse than we thought.

50
00:03:20,160 --> 00:03:22,040
I'm saying nothing.

51
00:03:22,040 --> 00:03:23,080
You see...

52
00:03:24,320 --> 00:03:27,360
Leroy's too choked up to speak.

53
00:03:27,360 --> 00:03:28,520
He said to me, he said,

54
00:03:28,520 --> 00:03:32,360
he was getting so worried about Gastric losing his memory permanently.

55
00:03:32,360 --> 00:03:35,760
I said, "No, don't you worry, Leroy," I said.

56
00:03:35,760 --> 00:03:40,280
I said, "You're forgetting that we have the cure."

57
00:03:40,280 --> 00:03:41,720
There's a cure?

58
00:03:41,720 --> 00:03:46,280
Yes. Treasured since Roman times for restoring the memory.

59
00:03:49,040 --> 00:03:50,120
A turnip?

60
00:03:50,120 --> 00:03:54,360
A turnip. They never went anywhere without their raw turnip.

61
00:03:55,800 --> 00:03:57,880
That's why they had short swords.

62
00:03:59,120 --> 00:04:01,960
Because the rest of the scabbard was filled up with raw turnip.

63
00:04:14,840 --> 00:04:16,600
Here we are, Cyril.

64
00:04:16,600 --> 00:04:20,960
Please accept this small, free gift, with our compliments.

65
00:04:21,960 --> 00:04:23,400
What is it?

66
00:04:23,400 --> 00:04:26,960
It's one of nature's premier remedies.

67
00:04:26,960 --> 00:04:30,040
You put it around your ankles, and it keeps the smidges away.

68
00:04:31,400 --> 00:04:33,360
Raw turnip round your ankles?

69
00:04:33,360 --> 00:04:35,520
Yes, well, we don't recommend it mashed.

70
00:04:36,880 --> 00:04:39,840
It doesn't have the same prophylactic effect.

71
00:04:41,280 --> 00:04:43,040
And what are smidges?

72
00:04:43,040 --> 00:04:44,640
You mean midges.

73
00:04:44,640 --> 00:04:46,960
No, no, midges are visible.

74
00:04:46,960 --> 00:04:50,880
Smidges are too small to be seen with the naked eye.

75
00:04:50,880 --> 00:04:53,000
So how do you know that they're there?

76
00:04:54,000 --> 00:04:57,160
Well, you don't, of course, unless you have a smidge detector.

77
00:04:59,640 --> 00:05:02,720
Don't tell me you haven't got a smidge detector?

78
00:05:02,720 --> 00:05:04,400
Oh, dear, oh dear.

79
00:05:05,840 --> 00:05:06,920
Oh.

80
00:05:08,200 --> 00:05:11,720
Never mind, here you are, one smidge detector.

81
00:05:11,720 --> 00:05:13,600
There you go.

82
00:05:13,600 --> 00:05:17,560
It changes colour if the little beggars are about.

83
00:05:17,560 --> 00:05:19,520
And, of course, you can tell they're about now,

84
00:05:19,520 --> 00:05:21,400
because five minutes ago that were blue.

85
00:05:22,800 --> 00:05:25,920
Because that holds your slice of turnip in place

86
00:05:25,920 --> 00:05:28,400
when you put it round your ankle.

87
00:05:30,480 --> 00:05:32,000
Why round your ankle?

88
00:05:32,000 --> 00:05:34,800
Because that's where they are, aren't they, the smidges -

89
00:05:34,800 --> 00:05:36,320
they're not high-flyers.

90
00:05:36,320 --> 00:05:38,800
No, smidges are very, very low.

91
00:05:38,800 --> 00:05:40,960
They're sneaky. They come in low like that,

92
00:05:40,960 --> 00:05:44,440
they go EEH, they hit you on the ankle, and go DZZZ like that.

93
00:05:44,440 --> 00:05:46,320
And SPLAT - they've gone.

94
00:05:49,000 --> 00:05:50,600
So no serious effects, then?

95
00:05:51,760 --> 00:05:53,200
Well...

96
00:05:54,000 --> 00:05:59,600
Er, no. Not if you don't mind losing all of your masculine vigour.

97
00:06:01,200 --> 00:06:05,640
Not to mention your interest in the...opposite sex.

98
00:06:07,360 --> 00:06:08,760
No, please, don't let me keep you.

99
00:06:10,440 --> 00:06:12,040
How much?

100
00:06:12,040 --> 00:06:14,440
£4.25.

101
00:06:14,440 --> 00:06:15,920
What, for a rubber band?

102
00:06:15,920 --> 00:06:18,480
But you do get the turnip absolutely free.

103
00:06:23,840 --> 00:06:25,440
Are you sure this is going to work?

104
00:06:25,440 --> 00:06:28,400
Trust me. It's one of my best advertising gimmicks.

105
00:06:29,680 --> 00:06:33,240
Oh, excuse me. Do you mind taking a look at this?

106
00:06:33,240 --> 00:06:35,080
Do you recognise this man?

107
00:06:35,080 --> 00:06:37,000
I know he lives in this area.

108
00:06:37,000 --> 00:06:40,120
He promised he'd write, but, of course, he never has.

109
00:06:41,360 --> 00:06:42,400
Wait, that's...

110
00:06:42,400 --> 00:06:43,520
Hmmm.

111
00:06:45,040 --> 00:06:46,520
Very unfamiliar.

112
00:06:46,520 --> 00:06:48,560
Dodgy, but unfamiliar.

113
00:06:48,560 --> 00:06:51,160
Then would you mind keeping it and showing it to your customers?

114
00:06:51,160 --> 00:06:53,880
I'll be back later, thank you.

115
00:06:53,880 --> 00:06:55,680
Eh, she had...

116
00:06:55,680 --> 00:06:57,000
I know that. Come on.

117
00:06:58,160 --> 00:06:59,720
20p for that apple.

118
00:06:59,720 --> 00:07:00,760
You must be joking!

119
00:07:03,760 --> 00:07:06,680
Don't be alarmed, Mr Newbould, it's only me.

120
00:07:07,640 --> 00:07:09,920
Or should that be "I"?

121
00:07:09,920 --> 00:07:13,000
Whatever. It's only us.

122
00:07:13,000 --> 00:07:15,240
Ah, there you are.

123
00:07:15,240 --> 00:07:18,400
Don't mind me. You carry on with whatever you're doing.

124
00:07:18,400 --> 00:07:20,040
Whatever it is.

125
00:07:21,200 --> 00:07:23,000
Reading?

126
00:07:23,000 --> 00:07:25,080
Straining the brain, Mr Newbould.

127
00:07:25,080 --> 00:07:26,400
I've seen it happen.

128
00:07:26,400 --> 00:07:29,320
It's only my stamp album, it's hardly a strain.

129
00:07:29,320 --> 00:07:32,440
I had to ban my second husband from reading anything exciting when he

130
00:07:32,440 --> 00:07:35,280
threw off his pyjamas and claimed the right to sleep naked.

131
00:07:39,400 --> 00:07:41,400
How are you on pyjamas, Mr Newbould?

132
00:07:42,680 --> 00:07:46,240
I'm for them. The thicker the better.

133
00:07:46,240 --> 00:07:47,560
I knew I could rely on you.

134
00:07:49,120 --> 00:07:52,240
Oh, drinking already?

135
00:07:52,240 --> 00:07:54,560
It's only my sister's home-made wine.

136
00:07:56,200 --> 00:07:57,880
May I offer you a glass?

137
00:07:57,880 --> 00:08:01,640
You may. Though it won't further your naughtier intentions.

138
00:08:01,640 --> 00:08:04,280
I have an iron constitution.

139
00:08:04,280 --> 00:08:06,040
I don't doubt that for a moment.

140
00:08:07,680 --> 00:08:10,520
And I'm unaware of any naughty intentions.

141
00:08:10,520 --> 00:08:12,560
Oh, they'll be there. They always are.

142
00:08:12,560 --> 00:08:16,520
Even my third husband came alive if he I fed him too many carbohydrates.

143
00:08:17,800 --> 00:08:19,400
This is rather strong.

144
00:08:20,800 --> 00:08:24,120
Pleasant, but one never knows what punch may lurk

145
00:08:24,120 --> 00:08:25,960
in these home-made things.

146
00:08:29,480 --> 00:08:31,800
Mm! Oh, yes.

147
00:08:31,800 --> 00:08:33,360
That is very pleasant.

148
00:08:37,680 --> 00:08:39,440
I think we'll do that again.

149
00:08:47,160 --> 00:08:49,040
Whose pram might that be?

150
00:08:49,040 --> 00:08:52,200
Why ask me? Am I the local know it all?

151
00:08:52,200 --> 00:08:54,040
- Usually.
- It's true.

152
00:08:55,080 --> 00:08:57,440
And now I'm feeling challenged, because I don't know

153
00:08:57,440 --> 00:09:00,800
who's recently been filling prams round here.

154
00:09:00,800 --> 00:09:04,040
I hope young Leroy's chickens haven't come home to roost.

155
00:09:04,040 --> 00:09:08,120
Don't say that. I always think Leroy is such a charmer.

156
00:09:08,120 --> 00:09:09,960
So, yes, of course, you could be right.

157
00:09:11,880 --> 00:09:14,080
It's one of his advertising stunts.

158
00:09:16,280 --> 00:09:18,400
Where does he come up with these things?

159
00:09:18,400 --> 00:09:20,080
I wonder where he got t'pram?

160
00:09:20,080 --> 00:09:21,840
I wonder where he got t'baby.

161
00:09:21,840 --> 00:09:24,280
I usually know who's scattering THEM about.

162
00:09:24,280 --> 00:09:26,120
There can't be a baby in.

163
00:09:26,120 --> 00:09:29,000
Even he wouldn't leave a baby outside.

164
00:09:29,000 --> 00:09:31,680
Unless there's a profit in it.

165
00:10:05,160 --> 00:10:07,280
- You wanted to see me?
- Yes.

166
00:10:07,280 --> 00:10:08,600
Yes. Come in.

167
00:10:11,240 --> 00:10:13,400
And what have you been up to?

168
00:10:15,400 --> 00:10:16,440
Not a lot, lately.

169
00:10:17,640 --> 00:10:20,120
I'm saying lately, I mean ages.

170
00:10:20,120 --> 00:10:22,760
There an angry female looking for you.

171
00:10:23,680 --> 00:10:26,720
I'm married. Tell me something I don't know.

172
00:10:29,240 --> 00:10:31,360
This is not Cath.

173
00:10:31,360 --> 00:10:36,360
This is another angry female, one that we don't know.

174
00:10:36,360 --> 00:10:38,400
Did she say what it was about?

175
00:10:38,400 --> 00:10:41,080
No, but she didn't look too pleased.

176
00:10:41,080 --> 00:10:43,800
So not only is there a strange woman looking for me,

177
00:10:43,800 --> 00:10:45,400
it's a strange woman in a bad mood?

178
00:10:46,640 --> 00:10:48,480
It's typical.

179
00:10:48,480 --> 00:10:52,720
Where did I get this gift for arousing female hostility?

180
00:10:52,720 --> 00:10:57,640
Well, hell hath no fury. Who have you been scorning lately, Eric?

181
00:10:57,640 --> 00:11:00,320
- Hey, hey.
- Ah!

182
00:11:00,320 --> 00:11:01,960
You didn't give them my address?

183
00:11:01,960 --> 00:11:04,520
No, no, no, I didn't. No, calm down.

184
00:11:04,520 --> 00:11:05,560
Relax.

185
00:11:07,240 --> 00:11:08,800
I can help you there.

186
00:11:08,800 --> 00:11:09,840
Yeah.

187
00:11:15,680 --> 00:11:17,120
Cath's going to kill me.

188
00:11:17,120 --> 00:11:18,960
Why, what have you done?

189
00:11:18,960 --> 00:11:22,200
Nothing I can remember. She'll think of something.

190
00:11:22,200 --> 00:11:24,760
You're going to need one of these.

191
00:11:24,760 --> 00:11:26,960
Help you calm your nerves.

192
00:11:26,960 --> 00:11:28,360
Have you seen my brother-in-law?

193
00:11:29,520 --> 00:11:31,520
Don't you think one turnip in the family is enough?

194
00:11:33,280 --> 00:11:38,320
With some people it's rocks, with others it's turnips.

195
00:11:38,320 --> 00:11:42,280
What you do is you hold it, you stroke it,

196
00:11:42,280 --> 00:11:46,520
and it will lead you peacefully to your calm centre.

197
00:11:52,880 --> 00:11:54,800
I'm going to look a right muffin stroking it.

198
00:11:56,680 --> 00:12:01,240
Not only will this turnip bring you immediate tranquillity,

199
00:12:01,240 --> 00:12:05,840
but a recent survey of 78% of people

200
00:12:05,840 --> 00:12:10,920
reported it stimulated their partner's urge

201
00:12:10,920 --> 00:12:12,160
to possess them.

202
00:12:19,240 --> 00:12:21,400
£4.75.

203
00:12:21,400 --> 00:12:22,840
£4.75?!

204
00:12:22,840 --> 00:12:25,080
Ah! But it includes...

205
00:12:27,000 --> 00:12:28,880
Free of charge.

206
00:12:37,200 --> 00:12:38,520
Right, now watch this.

207
00:12:45,320 --> 00:12:49,040
Right. You give the customer a fright.

208
00:12:50,120 --> 00:12:54,440
And then be ready with your Dr Proctor's nerve tonic.

209
00:12:55,560 --> 00:12:57,520
You can put your spider away.

210
00:12:57,520 --> 00:13:00,120
It won't work. In my opinion, no chance.

211
00:13:06,240 --> 00:13:08,880
As I looked from my window I accidentally saw you last night

212
00:13:08,880 --> 00:13:11,560
in the shop doorway. With the one who's going to uni.

213
00:13:13,120 --> 00:13:15,680
You seemed very interested in higher education.

214
00:13:16,640 --> 00:13:18,480
She only gave me a B minus.

215
00:13:18,480 --> 00:13:21,360
You should go where there's a chance of straight As.

216
00:13:21,360 --> 00:13:23,840
Now then, how may we help you?

217
00:13:25,240 --> 00:13:26,400
I don't want a turnip.

218
00:13:27,360 --> 00:13:30,200
We've got a special offer on nerve tonic.

219
00:13:30,200 --> 00:13:32,880
Why would I need nerve tonic?

220
00:13:32,880 --> 00:13:35,560
I'm only modestly educated, but a rock of stability.

221
00:13:37,240 --> 00:13:38,400
SHE SCREAMS

222
00:13:40,760 --> 00:13:41,800
I'll take it.

223
00:13:50,120 --> 00:13:51,160
Ow!

224
00:13:52,520 --> 00:13:54,640
So who's this woman who's looking for you?

225
00:13:56,240 --> 00:13:58,960
Ain't it marvellous how word travels round here?

226
00:13:58,960 --> 00:14:00,640
So who is she?

227
00:14:00,640 --> 00:14:02,200
I don't know!

228
00:14:02,200 --> 00:14:04,320
You'll probably know before I do.

229
00:14:06,960 --> 00:14:11,080
Oh, put your leg away, Cyril, there's no such thing as smidges.

230
00:14:11,080 --> 00:14:14,640
How do you know if you can't see them?

231
00:14:14,640 --> 00:14:16,760
I'm just taking precautions.

232
00:14:16,760 --> 00:14:18,400
I wish I was.

233
00:14:18,400 --> 00:14:19,640
There's a woman looking for me.

234
00:14:20,720 --> 00:14:23,680
Oh. So you've got some memory, then?

235
00:14:23,680 --> 00:14:25,240
I'm joking.

236
00:14:27,360 --> 00:14:28,560
I'm joking!

237
00:14:31,920 --> 00:14:34,000
And that will stop the smidges?

238
00:14:34,000 --> 00:14:35,080
Oh, yes.

239
00:14:35,080 --> 00:14:38,840
It's the only effective countermeasure when used

240
00:14:38,840 --> 00:14:41,400
in conjunction with your slice of turnip.

241
00:14:47,920 --> 00:14:49,560
Is he on special offer?

242
00:14:49,560 --> 00:14:52,720
We're nearly finished, Mrs Featherstone.

243
00:14:52,720 --> 00:14:54,800
He's got a hole in his sock.

244
00:14:54,800 --> 00:14:57,440
Well, I didn't know it was going to be on show.

245
00:14:57,440 --> 00:15:02,000
Yes, well, it is a diagnostic tool, Mrs Featherstone.

246
00:15:02,000 --> 00:15:05,440
Show me a hole in a sock, and I'll show you where the smidges have been.

247
00:15:05,440 --> 00:15:06,920
Smidges eat your socks?

248
00:15:09,600 --> 00:15:12,480
I am looking at you, Granville,

249
00:15:12,480 --> 00:15:17,960
through the glow of Mr Newbould's sister's home-made wine.

250
00:15:19,160 --> 00:15:22,360
It's tilted your hat, Mrs Featherstone.

251
00:15:22,360 --> 00:15:25,200
Oh, it's tilted more than that, Granville.

252
00:15:25,200 --> 00:15:29,320
In fact, I am leaning towards...

253
00:15:31,720 --> 00:15:35,160
Put your boots on outside, Gastric!

254
00:15:35,160 --> 00:15:40,240
The next few moments are not for those with holes in their socks.

255
00:15:40,240 --> 00:15:42,400
Good luck with the next few moments, Granville.

256
00:15:46,760 --> 00:15:51,600
My relationship with Mr Newbould gathers pace, Granville.

257
00:15:51,600 --> 00:15:53,400
Oh, he's a good man.

258
00:15:53,400 --> 00:15:55,320
I'd hang onto him, you know.

259
00:15:55,320 --> 00:15:58,880
However, let it be known, that for the right party,

260
00:15:58,880 --> 00:16:00,400
there is still time.

261
00:16:00,400 --> 00:16:03,840
Time? Yes, yes, just look at the time.

262
00:16:03,840 --> 00:16:05,600
Oh, dear.

263
00:16:05,600 --> 00:16:08,560
Would you take me as I am, Granville?

264
00:16:13,160 --> 00:16:14,440
What, now?

265
00:16:14,440 --> 00:16:16,320
With a slightly tilted hat.

266
00:16:17,680 --> 00:16:21,200
Have you ever seen me in disarray before, Granville?

267
00:16:21,200 --> 00:16:24,400
- No.
- Well, this hat is just the start of it.

268
00:16:24,400 --> 00:16:25,520
For the right party,

269
00:16:25,520 --> 00:16:28,800
Delphine Featherstone can do disarray

270
00:16:28,800 --> 00:16:31,000
with the best of them.

271
00:16:52,000 --> 00:16:54,840
Oh, gods, that one's ugly.

272
00:17:13,120 --> 00:17:14,160
It's a bit cold.

273
00:17:15,160 --> 00:17:18,960
And life is going to stay that way until I get some answers.

274
00:17:18,960 --> 00:17:21,760
Who is this woman who's looking for you?

275
00:17:21,760 --> 00:17:25,520
Cath, this time I'm innocent.

276
00:17:25,520 --> 00:17:29,120
I am pure snow white. I hope it's not blinding you.

277
00:17:30,760 --> 00:17:32,480
I don't know who the woman is.

278
00:17:34,840 --> 00:17:36,640
All right.

279
00:17:36,640 --> 00:17:37,680
Well, let's start at...

280
00:17:39,600 --> 00:17:41,800
WHY would this woman be looking for you?

281
00:17:44,360 --> 00:17:45,480
I have no idea.

282
00:17:45,480 --> 00:17:47,920
What have you been up to? And when?

283
00:17:48,880 --> 00:17:51,760
And stop fiddling with your foot. What's that you've got around it?

284
00:17:52,840 --> 00:17:55,400
Oh, you're wearing ankle bracelets now?

285
00:17:57,040 --> 00:17:58,480
It's a smidge detector.

286
00:18:00,040 --> 00:18:02,440
You can't see them with the naked eye.

287
00:18:04,640 --> 00:18:07,880
And you wonder why I'm convinced you're not reliable?

288
00:18:13,520 --> 00:18:14,600
I bought one for you too.

289
00:18:16,800 --> 00:18:18,560
It helps keep your turnip in place.

290
00:18:20,160 --> 00:18:23,160
Eric, am I missing something?

291
00:18:24,840 --> 00:18:27,320
Have you been replaced by something from outer space?

292
00:18:38,200 --> 00:18:40,000
Right, you're all loaded up.

293
00:18:40,000 --> 00:18:42,640
Oh, and listen, when you get to Mrs Atkinson's...

294
00:18:44,400 --> 00:18:45,520
Yes.

295
00:18:45,520 --> 00:18:48,640
When you get to Mrs Atkinson's, knock three times...

296
00:18:49,680 --> 00:18:51,680
Pause. And three times again.

297
00:18:53,280 --> 00:18:55,840
She's nervous. She won't open up to strangers.

298
00:18:57,080 --> 00:18:58,200
What are you doing?

299
00:18:58,200 --> 00:19:01,960
Mrs Featherstone seriously bent my spider.

300
00:19:01,960 --> 00:19:04,040
She has the same affect on me.

301
00:19:04,040 --> 00:19:07,120
Anyway, you're going to serve Mrs Featherstone in future.

302
00:19:08,200 --> 00:19:09,320
What kind of future's that?

303
00:19:11,560 --> 00:19:13,560
Now, watch this.

304
00:19:13,560 --> 00:19:15,240
Little gag for Mavis.

305
00:19:21,520 --> 00:19:24,880
I'll show her what she does to this beating heart.

306
00:19:33,400 --> 00:19:35,360
Thank you, as ever, Mrs Hussein.

307
00:19:35,360 --> 00:19:37,000
Oh, er...

308
00:19:38,000 --> 00:19:41,400
Can I tempt you with a turnip?

309
00:19:41,400 --> 00:19:43,760
You can tempt me with or without, Leroy.

310
00:19:47,480 --> 00:19:49,400
Speaking of turnips...

311
00:19:51,680 --> 00:19:53,680
You should be ashamed of yourself.

312
00:19:59,200 --> 00:20:03,520
Oh, Nora, the women are born sharp-tongued round here.

313
00:20:03,520 --> 00:20:08,200
Speaking of which, who's this female that's been looking for you?

314
00:20:08,200 --> 00:20:10,440
I keep telling you, I've no idea.

315
00:20:10,440 --> 00:20:13,280
Come on, you can tell me.

316
00:20:13,280 --> 00:20:15,680
I never shopped you about that barmaid, did I?

317
00:20:15,680 --> 00:20:16,960
What barmaid?

318
00:20:16,960 --> 00:20:18,400
Keep your voice down!

319
00:20:19,600 --> 00:20:21,120
It were perfectly innocent.

320
00:20:22,120 --> 00:20:25,640
We had a mutual interest in... Japanese prints.

321
00:20:28,880 --> 00:20:31,800
She were in awe of my expertise.

322
00:20:31,800 --> 00:20:34,360
In that particular field.

323
00:20:34,360 --> 00:20:35,400
Which field?

324
00:20:36,520 --> 00:20:38,040
Japanese prints!

325
00:20:45,240 --> 00:20:46,680
Chuffing hell!

326
00:20:51,960 --> 00:20:57,440
Oh, where are we going for mischievous night?

327
00:20:57,440 --> 00:20:59,400
That's months away.

328
00:20:59,400 --> 00:21:01,680
Haven't you got anything nearer?

329
00:21:01,680 --> 00:21:03,440
Oh no, see, that's the old one,

330
00:21:03,440 --> 00:21:08,320
the new mischievous night is being formally opened in the back of the shop

331
00:21:08,320 --> 00:21:10,000
after closing.

332
00:21:10,000 --> 00:21:12,320
Is this where I lose another earring?

333
00:21:12,320 --> 00:21:13,600
I hope so.

334
00:21:14,600 --> 00:21:16,000
Me too.

335
00:21:16,000 --> 00:21:20,360
You know that you make my heart go pitter pat, pitter pat.

336
00:21:25,520 --> 00:21:26,880
It's OK.

337
00:21:26,880 --> 00:21:29,320
It's just my little joke.

338
00:21:29,320 --> 00:21:30,840
SHE SCREAMS

339
00:21:46,440 --> 00:21:48,320
It's you, isn't it? You're the one.

340
00:21:50,080 --> 00:21:52,720
I've never seen this woman before! And I can prove it!

341
00:21:54,080 --> 00:21:56,960
Relax. We bought your mum's house.

342
00:21:56,960 --> 00:22:00,360
She said you'd be in touch and tell us where everything is.

343
00:22:00,360 --> 00:22:02,800
We can't even find the stopcock.

344
00:22:02,800 --> 00:22:04,000
Oh!

345
00:22:04,000 --> 00:22:06,240
Oh, I'm sorry.

346
00:22:06,240 --> 00:22:07,600
She never said anything to me.

347
00:22:08,640 --> 00:22:10,480
She's getting forgetful.

348
00:22:10,480 --> 00:22:13,200
Look, I'll come with you and show you.

349
00:22:13,200 --> 00:22:14,600
Great. Thank you.

350
00:22:15,560 --> 00:22:17,080
And congratulations.

351
00:22:18,080 --> 00:22:20,440
Oh, no, no, it's not a baby.

352
00:22:23,880 --> 00:22:24,920
It's a turnip.

353
00:22:29,640 --> 00:22:33,440
He looked so pathetic and innocent, for a minute I almost believed him.

354
00:22:33,440 --> 00:22:35,160
Bad move. They do that.

355
00:22:35,160 --> 00:22:37,560
They think innocence is some sort of excuse.

356
00:22:37,560 --> 00:22:39,520
Get nasty. Go for it.

357
00:22:39,520 --> 00:22:41,200
What are the odds he'll be innocent?

358
00:22:41,200 --> 00:22:43,640
And if he is, then you can give him double grief

359
00:22:43,640 --> 00:22:45,280
the next time he slips up.

360
00:22:54,760 --> 00:22:56,160
I knew it. >

361
00:22:59,040 --> 00:23:01,160
Knock three times.

362
00:23:01,160 --> 00:23:04,520
Pause and then knock three again.

363
00:23:08,680 --> 00:23:09,720
Pause.

364
00:23:26,760 --> 00:23:30,280
How could you think that I'd be involved with another woman?

365
00:23:30,280 --> 00:23:34,840
OK, you may be innocent this time, but it doesn't give you a free pass.

366
00:23:34,840 --> 00:23:36,480
Ah.

367
00:23:36,480 --> 00:23:40,840
But it shows that deep down, you think I'm unreliable.

368
00:23:40,840 --> 00:23:42,480
You were talking to a turnip.

369
00:23:44,920 --> 00:23:48,040
They can be surprisingly comforting under times of great stress.

370
00:23:49,600 --> 00:23:51,960
Eric, it's a turnip.

371
00:23:54,680 --> 00:23:57,000
IT has a name.

372
00:24:08,200 --> 00:24:09,640
You're back quick.

373
00:24:09,640 --> 00:24:13,440
Number 14, what goes off in there?

374
00:24:13,440 --> 00:24:15,120
What do you mean what goes off in there?

375
00:24:15,120 --> 00:24:20,720
Well, I gave the secret knock, you know, and this naked arm came out.

376
00:24:20,720 --> 00:24:26,360
And it was naked way beyond where an arm usually finishes.

377
00:24:26,360 --> 00:24:30,040
She's a bit eccentric. She wears a swimming costume to do her housework.

378
00:24:30,040 --> 00:24:31,360
She's harmless.

379
00:24:31,360 --> 00:24:33,400
Why, does she go swimming?

380
00:24:33,400 --> 00:24:34,520
How would I know?

381
00:24:34,520 --> 00:24:37,360
Well, you know the secret knock.

382
00:24:37,360 --> 00:24:39,560
Have you been splashing about in there?

383
00:24:40,680 --> 00:24:42,600
She feeds me plum cake.

384
00:24:42,600 --> 00:24:44,360
She makes great plum cake.

385
00:24:44,360 --> 00:24:47,280
She's not exactly dressed for baking, is she?

386
00:24:48,320 --> 00:24:50,360
That's why she needs the special knock.

387
00:24:50,360 --> 00:24:54,800
- She's not exactly going to open the door to anybody when she's dressed like that, is she?
- No.

388
00:24:58,240 --> 00:25:00,000
Now what are you plotting?

389
00:25:00,000 --> 00:25:02,840
I've got to get the black widow off my back,

390
00:25:02,840 --> 00:25:06,160
she's not moving fast enough with Mr Newbould.

391
00:25:06,160 --> 00:25:09,120
You can't throw that poor man into the jaws of Mrs Featherstone.

392
00:25:09,120 --> 00:25:11,960
Self defence, Leroy. Self defence.

393
00:25:11,960 --> 00:25:14,920
Anyway, I'll make it up to him once they're married.

394
00:25:18,800 --> 00:25:22,040
French colonial stamps, mint condition,

395
00:25:22,040 --> 00:25:24,400
entire collection, for sale.

396
00:25:24,400 --> 00:25:27,600
French colonial? That's my field.

397
00:25:27,600 --> 00:25:31,280
Is it? What a coincidence!

398
00:25:31,280 --> 00:25:36,920
I'm sure they said French colonial. But I'm only repeating what I heard.

399
00:25:36,920 --> 00:25:38,040
Number 14?

400
00:25:38,040 --> 00:25:42,960
Yes, but she won't answer unless she gets the special knock.

401
00:25:42,960 --> 00:25:44,000
Which is...

402
00:25:46,120 --> 00:25:47,160
Pause.

403
00:25:50,240 --> 00:25:51,400
There.

404
00:25:51,400 --> 00:25:52,760
She must be a keen collector.

405
00:25:52,760 --> 00:25:54,160
Oh, yes, she is.

406
00:25:54,160 --> 00:25:58,040
I thought it was only of young grocers, but...

407
00:26:08,520 --> 00:26:13,480
How very encouraging of you, to invite me on this little drive, Granville.

408
00:26:13,480 --> 00:26:16,080
But why are we parking here?

409
00:26:17,440 --> 00:26:20,600
Just taking a breather, Mrs Featherstone.

410
00:26:21,920 --> 00:26:24,120
Oh, look who's coming.

411
00:26:25,640 --> 00:26:28,200
Oh, I hope he's not following me.

412
00:26:28,200 --> 00:26:30,120
They get obsessed with you.

413
00:26:30,120 --> 00:26:31,400
Well, you know how it is.

414
00:26:38,680 --> 00:26:41,520
Oh! You're a tall person.

415
00:26:46,120 --> 00:26:47,840
Did you see that?

416
00:26:47,840 --> 00:26:51,320
Oh, that - I'll deal with him later.

417
00:26:52,120 --> 00:26:53,280
Ah!

418
00:26:53,280 --> 00:26:55,960
Oh, no, Mrs Featherstone. Smidge!

419
00:26:55,960 --> 00:26:59,440
Smidge attack! And I've got cramp. It's cramp.

420
00:26:59,440 --> 00:27:01,480
Yes, it is. It's cramp.

421
00:27:01,480 --> 00:27:03,240
Ooh. Ah.

422
00:27:03,240 --> 00:27:05,840
Ooh. Hey.

423
00:27:05,840 --> 00:27:08,080
Sorry. I've got cramp.

424
00:27:08,080 --> 00:27:09,960
And it's, oh, look at that,

425
00:27:09,960 --> 00:27:13,000
it's changed the colour of the elastic in my underwear.

426
00:27:14,120 --> 00:27:17,360
No, it's cramp. I have to walk it off, you see.

427
00:27:17,360 --> 00:27:19,200
Sorry, Mrs Featherstone.

428
00:27:19,200 --> 00:27:20,600
Oh!

429
00:27:20,600 --> 00:27:23,280
Well, well, well.

430
00:27:23,280 --> 00:27:27,040
Look who's caused the elastic in his underpants to change colour.

431
00:27:27,040 --> 00:27:29,040
SHE CHUCKLES

432
00:27:29,040 --> 00:27:32,400
He may fight it, but he's yours, Delphine.

433
00:27:34,760 --> 00:27:37,440
If you wait I'm sure I can find some stamps!

434
00:27:42,920 --> 00:27:44,840
I thought she had some French colonials.

435
00:27:46,280 --> 00:27:48,600
Most of them, I should think, dressed like that.

436
00:27:53,360 --> 00:27:58,680
It's amazing how that Mrs Featherstone really fills a small car.

437
00:27:58,680 --> 00:28:01,120
There seemed to be no air.

438
00:28:01,120 --> 00:28:03,600
Just the scent of lavender.

439
00:28:03,600 --> 00:28:06,520
And the creek of corsetry under stress.

440
00:28:12,040 --> 00:28:15,320
Oh, preserve our Leroy, Lord,

441
00:28:15,320 --> 00:28:20,520
from the perils which lie in the way for personable young grocers.

442
00:28:20,520 --> 00:28:25,760
And if he has to stumble, let it lead to a sizeable weekly order.