1 00:00:02,000 --> 00:00:04,000 BELL JINGLES 2 00:00:05,960 --> 00:00:09,800 - ELECTRONIC VOICE: - Merry Christmas. Me-rry Christmas. 3 00:00:09,800 --> 00:00:13,840 - Merry Christmas. - He's not pulling his weight, is he? 4 00:00:13,840 --> 00:00:16,440 They're just ignoring him. 5 00:00:16,440 --> 00:00:17,760 HE SIGHS 6 00:00:17,760 --> 00:00:19,880 Right. I'll shake 'em up. 7 00:00:19,880 --> 00:00:23,240 Right, come on, get him back inside. 8 00:00:23,240 --> 00:00:25,960 BELL JINGLES 9 00:00:34,400 --> 00:00:38,120 Merry Christmas. Merry Christmas. 10 00:00:38,120 --> 00:00:40,840 Merry Christmas! 11 00:00:40,840 --> 00:00:44,200 Hey, I've heard bad things about his Christmas crackers. 12 00:00:44,200 --> 00:00:46,600 They're damp or something - they don't go bang. 13 00:00:46,600 --> 00:00:48,920 - Bang! - Argh! 14 00:00:48,920 --> 00:00:52,920 Plenty more surprises inside Santa's grotto. 15 00:00:52,920 --> 00:00:55,680 A Merry Christmas to you too, Granville. 16 00:01:16,440 --> 00:01:18,160 HE YAWNS 17 00:01:31,080 --> 00:01:33,400 COINS CLINK 18 00:01:35,360 --> 00:01:37,200 TILL RATTLES 19 00:01:39,440 --> 00:01:43,080 It's all right - wait for it, wait for it! 20 00:01:44,800 --> 00:01:46,200 Thank you. 21 00:01:46,200 --> 00:01:48,200 Ah-ha! 22 00:01:48,200 --> 00:01:51,280 All right, all right. Calm down, calm down. 23 00:01:51,280 --> 00:01:53,080 BELL RINGS 24 00:01:54,680 --> 00:01:56,480 Just... Just... 25 00:02:01,000 --> 00:02:04,240 What big teeth you've got, Arkwright. 26 00:02:04,240 --> 00:02:07,560 He's moody cos you bought all these cheap crackers we can't sell. 27 00:02:07,560 --> 00:02:11,720 Yes, but have you felt the weight of these? They're solid. 28 00:02:11,720 --> 00:02:14,000 None of your flimsy rubbish, these. 29 00:02:14,000 --> 00:02:15,520 Oh, they smell musty. 30 00:02:15,520 --> 00:02:17,720 Yeah, well, so does that Mr Hewlett, 31 00:02:17,720 --> 00:02:19,320 but he's a good customer. 32 00:02:19,320 --> 00:02:22,480 It's not him, it's his old overcoat. 33 00:02:22,480 --> 00:02:25,360 They ALL smelt musty. 34 00:02:25,360 --> 00:02:28,320 I think they were born musty in their day. 35 00:02:28,320 --> 00:02:30,880 They had no central heating, you see? 36 00:02:30,880 --> 00:02:32,440 Neither do I. 37 00:02:32,440 --> 00:02:34,920 You, you're overheated already. 38 00:02:36,960 --> 00:02:40,920 Come on, let's pull one of these. It'll only cost you 10p. 39 00:02:40,920 --> 00:02:42,640 No, come on. 40 00:02:42,640 --> 00:02:44,000 Right, there you go. 41 00:02:47,560 --> 00:02:51,240 Good, solid British workmanship, isn't it? 42 00:02:51,240 --> 00:02:54,040 How is anyone going to pull these at the dinner table? 43 00:02:54,040 --> 00:02:56,640 - You're not giving it any welly, are you? - I am! 44 00:02:56,640 --> 00:02:58,360 POP! 45 00:03:04,120 --> 00:03:06,720 What sort of pitiful noise was that?! 46 00:03:06,720 --> 00:03:08,040 Considerate. 47 00:03:09,240 --> 00:03:14,680 We'll sell these as novelty crackers for those of a nervous disposition, 48 00:03:14,680 --> 00:03:17,320 guaranteed not to make you jump. 49 00:03:23,000 --> 00:03:24,480 Left a bit. 50 00:03:24,480 --> 00:03:26,880 No, not that much. That's it. 51 00:03:26,880 --> 00:03:28,600 Oh! 52 00:03:28,600 --> 00:03:32,760 You seem to be a smile short of a Merry Christmas, Mr Newbold. 53 00:03:32,760 --> 00:03:35,080 People keep saying, "Merry Christmas." 54 00:03:35,080 --> 00:03:39,040 That's because they've only got a partridge in their pear tree. 55 00:03:39,040 --> 00:03:40,560 I've got a vulture. 56 00:03:41,720 --> 00:03:45,120 All I know is some people are going to be alone this Christmas. 57 00:03:45,120 --> 00:03:49,200 Ah, and you're sparing a thought for them? That's very Sally Army. 58 00:03:49,200 --> 00:03:50,720 Lucky devils. 59 00:03:50,720 --> 00:03:53,560 My problem is I'm not going to be one of them, unless... 60 00:03:55,040 --> 00:03:57,520 ..unless I can make a break for it. 61 00:03:57,520 --> 00:03:59,480 Make a break for it?! No... 62 00:03:59,480 --> 00:04:02,440 What, abandon the good widow Featherstone? 63 00:04:02,440 --> 00:04:06,680 I don't think that's a good idea, Mr Newbold. 64 00:04:06,680 --> 00:04:08,240 I've made up my mind. 65 00:04:08,240 --> 00:04:10,800 I'm doing a runner this Christmas. 66 00:04:10,800 --> 00:04:12,640 Oh, no, that's a bad move. 67 00:04:12,640 --> 00:04:15,760 - Bad move, Mr Newbold. - Why? 68 00:04:15,760 --> 00:04:19,000 - Well... - Yes, I was wondering that! 69 00:04:19,000 --> 00:04:21,440 Er, what is your star sign? 70 00:04:21,440 --> 00:04:23,600 Are you a believer? 71 00:04:23,600 --> 00:04:25,880 I'm inclined to think there's something in it. 72 00:04:25,880 --> 00:04:29,120 Well, it brought you two love birds together, didn't it? 73 00:04:29,120 --> 00:04:30,920 If it did, I want a refund. 74 00:04:32,880 --> 00:04:36,080 - Oh... - It's Pisces. - It's Pisces. 75 00:04:36,080 --> 00:04:39,480 Do you know, I actually saw something about that 76 00:04:39,480 --> 00:04:43,480 this very morning. Pisces, yes, it was. 77 00:04:43,480 --> 00:04:45,840 It said, oh, yes... 78 00:04:46,960 --> 00:04:49,520 .."If you're Pisces, stay at home 79 00:04:49,520 --> 00:04:54,120 "At Christmas time you ne'er should roam 80 00:04:54,120 --> 00:04:57,320 "To ignore this advice if duty calls 81 00:04:57,320 --> 00:04:59,600 "Will make your Christmas a load of..." 82 00:05:02,760 --> 00:05:06,040 I had a dream about you last night. 83 00:05:06,040 --> 00:05:10,560 And what it was, there was this mysterious figure, 84 00:05:10,560 --> 00:05:12,040 and it was saying... 85 00:05:13,240 --> 00:05:17,960 .."Turn again, Mr Newbold. 86 00:05:17,960 --> 00:05:20,880 "Get thee home!" 87 00:05:26,720 --> 00:05:28,560 I think he means it. 88 00:05:28,560 --> 00:05:32,800 I think our Mr Newbold will be heading for foreign parts. 89 00:05:32,800 --> 00:05:34,320 It's at times like this 90 00:05:34,320 --> 00:05:37,520 you're supposed to say something encouraging. 91 00:05:37,520 --> 00:05:42,320 Well, how about I wish both you and Mrs Featherstone every happiness? 92 00:05:42,320 --> 00:05:44,240 Aw, thank you! 93 00:05:48,640 --> 00:05:51,600 You can chase her away an' all. 94 00:05:51,600 --> 00:05:53,960 Chase something like that away? 95 00:05:53,960 --> 00:05:56,000 Be against my principles. 96 00:05:56,000 --> 00:05:59,040 It's bad for business. 97 00:05:59,040 --> 00:06:00,880 Looks pretty good for everything else. 98 00:06:08,320 --> 00:06:12,480 Don't make me too desirable. It'll only unsettle Mr Newbold. 99 00:06:12,480 --> 00:06:15,480 He does a good unsettled - it's in his eyes. 100 00:06:15,480 --> 00:06:18,720 - They seem to be looking for something. - Love, possibly? 101 00:06:18,720 --> 00:06:20,880 Well, he'll just have to wait. 102 00:06:20,880 --> 00:06:23,840 It could be Man's eternal search for understanding. 103 00:06:23,840 --> 00:06:26,960 I was thinking more along the lines of the nearest exit. 104 00:06:26,960 --> 00:06:28,480 Well, I can't think why. 105 00:06:28,480 --> 00:06:31,720 I treat him with every consideration short of matrimony. 106 00:06:31,720 --> 00:06:34,560 You do have the effect of unnerving people. 107 00:06:34,560 --> 00:06:37,080 If you've got a talent, use it. 108 00:06:37,080 --> 00:06:38,760 Credit where it's due. 109 00:06:38,760 --> 00:06:42,040 I used to be nervous until I gave it up for panic. 110 00:06:42,040 --> 00:06:44,000 You should learn to be nastier. 111 00:06:44,000 --> 00:06:47,000 You know I'm always available for advice. 112 00:06:47,000 --> 00:06:51,480 I think being nervous is good for husbands. It suits Eric. 113 00:06:51,480 --> 00:06:52,920 He's so much easier to live with 114 00:06:52,920 --> 00:06:55,480 when he thinks I know more than I do. 115 00:06:55,480 --> 00:06:58,000 They function better when they're nervous. 116 00:06:58,000 --> 00:07:01,120 Oh, no, I don't mean better - what do I mean? 117 00:07:01,120 --> 00:07:02,640 Less demanding. 118 00:07:02,640 --> 00:07:06,240 Well, I must say, Mr Newbold does seem a bit agitated. 119 00:07:06,240 --> 00:07:10,120 - Are you too rich for his diet? - He'll be fine. 120 00:07:10,120 --> 00:07:13,240 You've just got to keep the balance between their fear of you 121 00:07:13,240 --> 00:07:15,600 and their urge to chase you upstairs. 122 00:07:15,600 --> 00:07:17,440 Has Mr Newbold ever...? 123 00:07:17,440 --> 00:07:19,440 Not yet, but we'll see what happens 124 00:07:19,440 --> 00:07:21,200 when I hide his stamp album. 125 00:07:31,560 --> 00:07:33,680 - What? - What do you mean, "what"? 126 00:07:33,680 --> 00:07:37,800 - Don't you think you're asking to be stared at? - Listen who's talking. 127 00:07:37,800 --> 00:07:40,440 What about that thing you're riding? 128 00:07:40,440 --> 00:07:42,840 I know. It embarrasses me, too. 129 00:07:42,840 --> 00:07:45,000 Go away. I'm busy. 130 00:07:46,120 --> 00:07:47,920 You're just standing there. 131 00:07:47,920 --> 00:07:49,480 For a purpose! 132 00:07:49,480 --> 00:07:53,240 - Not to be chatted up. - Don't flatter yourself. 133 00:07:53,240 --> 00:07:57,080 - I have fully upped all my chatters for this week. - Go away. 134 00:07:57,080 --> 00:07:59,600 Can I stay if I'm vegetarian? 135 00:07:59,600 --> 00:08:01,200 Are you vegetarian? 136 00:08:01,200 --> 00:08:02,480 No, but I'm easily led. 137 00:08:02,480 --> 00:08:04,400 There's no point hanging around. 138 00:08:04,400 --> 00:08:06,840 I'm not interested in boy/girl games. 139 00:08:06,840 --> 00:08:09,240 I think it's only fair to warn you, 140 00:08:09,240 --> 00:08:10,560 I've got typhoid. 141 00:08:13,840 --> 00:08:16,760 - What, you're not going to tell me your name? - No! 142 00:08:16,760 --> 00:08:17,960 Suits you. 143 00:08:20,880 --> 00:08:22,560 GRUNTING 144 00:08:32,120 --> 00:08:34,360 Merry Christmas, get a hernia! 145 00:08:35,440 --> 00:08:39,520 I'm sorry, but there is no way I'm wasting my substance for this. 146 00:08:39,520 --> 00:08:41,880 You could pull something vital. 147 00:08:41,880 --> 00:08:43,320 And for what? 148 00:08:43,320 --> 00:08:46,200 Every Christmas, people die from overeating. 149 00:08:46,200 --> 00:08:48,920 How big a fool are we going to look if we die from overcrackering? 150 00:08:50,520 --> 00:08:54,440 Come here. You two, you're a pair of wusses! 151 00:08:54,440 --> 00:08:56,320 I've seen it coming. 152 00:08:56,320 --> 00:08:59,440 You've lost your elbow smarts, haven't you, eh? 153 00:08:59,440 --> 00:09:02,880 Your elbows, your elbows have turned to jelly. 154 00:09:02,880 --> 00:09:06,320 It's a bone. How can it turn to jelly? 155 00:09:06,320 --> 00:09:10,440 He's right, feel this elbow. It's a rock. 156 00:09:10,440 --> 00:09:15,600 Yes, but is it the sensual magnet that it should be? 157 00:09:15,600 --> 00:09:20,240 When was the last time it pulled any passion your way? 158 00:09:20,240 --> 00:09:21,320 Hmm? 159 00:09:21,320 --> 00:09:24,800 - Elbows are a sensual magnet? - You didn't know? 160 00:09:24,800 --> 00:09:28,200 No, we didn't know, and nobody else knows either. 161 00:09:28,200 --> 00:09:31,280 Oh! You tell that to the ancient Greeks! 162 00:09:31,280 --> 00:09:36,040 Hey? Oh! To them, it was the G spot. 163 00:09:36,040 --> 00:09:40,280 The powerhouse to joy and attraction. 164 00:09:40,280 --> 00:09:43,000 Well, I know if you bang it, it makes your eyes water. 165 00:09:43,000 --> 00:09:46,840 There you are! Yes, that's the clue, in't it? 166 00:09:46,840 --> 00:09:51,640 Just think of all those nerve endings in there, 167 00:09:51,640 --> 00:09:55,360 all...waiting to be aroused. 168 00:10:03,320 --> 00:10:06,160 I passed Mr Newbold in the street. 169 00:10:06,160 --> 00:10:09,720 He IS nervous. He was talking to himself. 170 00:10:09,720 --> 00:10:12,120 I said, "Hello, Mr Newbold." 171 00:10:12,120 --> 00:10:17,320 He said, "Why didn't I take that opportunity to move to Bridlington?" 172 00:10:17,320 --> 00:10:21,240 When did YOU have an opportunity to move to Bridlington? 173 00:10:21,240 --> 00:10:24,800 I hope he's NOT thinking of moving to Bridlington. 174 00:10:24,800 --> 00:10:27,800 I spent my first honeymoon in Bridlington. 175 00:10:27,800 --> 00:10:30,000 I enjoyed the show at the spa. 176 00:10:32,280 --> 00:10:34,800 I lost Eric once in Bridlington. 177 00:10:34,800 --> 00:10:38,040 I doubt it'd work a second time, though. 178 00:10:38,040 --> 00:10:40,080 I like second times. 179 00:10:40,080 --> 00:10:42,560 It's the first I usually get wrong. 180 00:10:42,560 --> 00:10:44,800 I thought that was only me. 181 00:10:44,800 --> 00:10:47,120 When are you closing, Madge, for the holidays? 182 00:10:47,120 --> 00:10:49,120 Oh, just Christmas and Boxing Day. 183 00:10:49,120 --> 00:10:50,560 Oh, it'll be a break for you. 184 00:10:50,560 --> 00:10:54,240 It will THIS year. We're going to a hotel. 185 00:10:54,240 --> 00:10:55,800 "We"? 186 00:10:55,800 --> 00:10:58,800 As in, "Oh, by the way, Mavis, we're going to a hotel?" 187 00:10:58,800 --> 00:11:03,840 I thought I'd surprise you. We're going to be waited on hand and foot. 188 00:11:03,840 --> 00:11:06,640 Oh, I don't want anybody waiting on my foot. 189 00:11:08,880 --> 00:11:12,120 You've heard of Dionysus, haven't you? 190 00:11:12,120 --> 00:11:14,760 There's a Dinsdale in Travis Street. 191 00:11:14,760 --> 00:11:16,880 He means the Greek god, Dionysus. 192 00:11:19,520 --> 00:11:24,760 The worshippers of Dionysus used to hold these, um, 193 00:11:24,760 --> 00:11:28,840 secret midnight...whoopee sessions. 194 00:11:28,840 --> 00:11:31,760 Of course, forbidden to non-believers. 195 00:11:31,760 --> 00:11:33,720 So, how do YOU know about it, then? 196 00:11:33,720 --> 00:11:34,880 Hmm? 197 00:11:34,880 --> 00:11:41,280 Oh, well, the Grocers Federation hold an annual re-enactment 198 00:11:41,280 --> 00:11:43,840 somewhere down there near Pontefract. 199 00:11:45,120 --> 00:11:47,880 Just how big is the whoopee? 200 00:11:51,640 --> 00:11:54,080 You have to be there. 201 00:11:54,080 --> 00:11:58,800 And what do they do at these, er...whoopee sessions? 202 00:11:59,800 --> 00:12:02,440 What they used to do is they... 203 00:12:03,480 --> 00:12:07,080 ..nudge each other with their elbows, right... 204 00:12:08,360 --> 00:12:15,200 ..until they reached forbidden heights of...ecstasy. 205 00:12:23,360 --> 00:12:24,640 - Hey! - Hey! 206 00:12:26,960 --> 00:12:30,880 - I don't want to go away for Christmas. - We're going. 207 00:12:30,880 --> 00:12:35,320 - We're going to be spoiled for once. - I don't like hotels. 208 00:12:35,320 --> 00:12:37,240 There's always some sour face at reception 209 00:12:37,240 --> 00:12:40,440 who knows you've never been further than Rochdale. 210 00:12:40,440 --> 00:12:44,680 He really destroyed your confidence, didn't he? 211 00:12:44,680 --> 00:12:48,160 Well, you're unmarried now, you're not under his thumb any more - 212 00:12:48,160 --> 00:12:50,000 you're under mine. 213 00:12:52,200 --> 00:12:56,080 I'm joking. You're a free human being. 214 00:12:56,080 --> 00:12:58,320 Suppose the menu is in French? 215 00:12:58,320 --> 00:13:01,080 They'll tell us what it is in English. 216 00:13:01,080 --> 00:13:03,560 But they'll know we'd really rather have chips. 217 00:13:10,440 --> 00:13:14,400 I hope you're not lying to me about this poor animal we need to rescue. 218 00:13:14,400 --> 00:13:16,240 We're going there now. 219 00:13:16,240 --> 00:13:20,080 I can just see it, gratefully licking your hand. 220 00:13:20,080 --> 00:13:21,840 If it was me, I'd start on your ear. 221 00:13:21,840 --> 00:13:22,880 Oh! 222 00:13:25,120 --> 00:13:27,240 Help me out of this thing. 223 00:13:27,240 --> 00:13:28,760 What are you doing for Christmas? 224 00:13:28,760 --> 00:13:32,520 Nothing that involves you. Hold this thing still while I get out. 225 00:13:32,520 --> 00:13:36,240 - Why get out? I could take you home. - In this?! 226 00:13:36,240 --> 00:13:38,320 OK, I'll drop you off somewhere near. 227 00:13:38,320 --> 00:13:39,920 What do you want from me? 228 00:13:39,920 --> 00:13:41,880 Do you really think we're going to have a romance 229 00:13:41,880 --> 00:13:44,360 when you've got bits of flesh stuck in your teeth? 230 00:13:47,440 --> 00:13:49,640 I floss! 231 00:13:49,640 --> 00:13:51,240 I've toyed with Marmite. 232 00:13:54,720 --> 00:13:58,240 Do you think she's wise, encouraging a man under her bonnet? 233 00:13:58,240 --> 00:14:00,840 You find them in funnier places than that. 234 00:14:00,840 --> 00:14:02,480 Not if you keep your defences up. 235 00:14:03,920 --> 00:14:05,680 Try that now. 236 00:14:06,800 --> 00:14:09,600 ENGINE STARTS Oh! 237 00:14:09,600 --> 00:14:11,880 My hero! 238 00:14:11,880 --> 00:14:12,920 No problem. 239 00:14:17,880 --> 00:14:21,720 Oh, look at him. He'd be impossible on white sheets. 240 00:14:23,200 --> 00:14:26,280 Should you be thinking about men on white sheets? 241 00:14:26,280 --> 00:14:28,120 At my age, do you mean? 242 00:14:28,120 --> 00:14:29,880 You may run out of steam 243 00:14:29,880 --> 00:14:33,040 but the ensuing technical problems are not without interest. 244 00:14:34,480 --> 00:14:36,440 Here we go. 245 00:14:36,440 --> 00:14:40,120 Dr Proctor's Elbow Restorer. 246 00:14:40,120 --> 00:14:41,800 There you are. 247 00:14:41,800 --> 00:14:45,280 Just a few drops, rub them in thoroughly. 248 00:14:46,440 --> 00:14:48,480 Then what magic happens? 249 00:14:48,480 --> 00:14:50,400 As much as you can handle. 250 00:14:50,400 --> 00:14:53,720 Once the power of the elbow is unchained... 251 00:14:53,720 --> 00:14:55,560 HE CHUCKLES ..for £7.95. 252 00:14:56,640 --> 00:15:00,320 It says here on the bottle, "For strains and bruises." 253 00:15:00,320 --> 00:15:05,920 Yes, and you'll see why, once your explosion of madness is over. 254 00:15:07,040 --> 00:15:08,800 - Question. - Go ahead. 255 00:15:08,800 --> 00:15:11,400 How gullible do you think your customers are? 256 00:15:16,600 --> 00:15:19,840 I'm still in business - that ought to tell you something. 257 00:15:22,640 --> 00:15:26,000 Well, we'll grant you points for a nice try. 258 00:15:31,000 --> 00:15:32,240 Come on. 259 00:15:32,240 --> 00:15:34,920 Oh, er...just a moment, just a moment. 260 00:15:34,920 --> 00:15:37,760 Am I picking up signals that you don't believe 261 00:15:37,760 --> 00:15:40,400 in the erotic power of the elbow? 262 00:15:41,480 --> 00:15:42,920 - BOTH: - Loud and clear. 263 00:15:42,920 --> 00:15:47,280 OK, I'll tell you what, you hide behind there and you watch. 264 00:15:47,280 --> 00:15:50,120 Prepare to be amazed. 265 00:15:55,480 --> 00:15:56,880 There. 266 00:16:00,000 --> 00:16:01,320 BELL RINGS 267 00:16:01,320 --> 00:16:03,360 Ah, Mrs Featherstone! 268 00:16:03,360 --> 00:16:06,840 Welcome to my humble establishment. 269 00:16:06,840 --> 00:16:10,000 You'd be welcome at mine, Granville, if you play your cards right. 270 00:16:10,000 --> 00:16:12,640 Now, I can't stop, I've got to rush back 271 00:16:12,640 --> 00:16:15,920 - and arrange Mr Newbold's trimmings. - Ah! 272 00:16:18,560 --> 00:16:22,960 Um, I've left the list here and I'll come back for it later. 273 00:16:22,960 --> 00:16:26,120 I'm sorry to rush off, it's against all my inclinations. 274 00:16:41,320 --> 00:16:43,920 Oh, and they say there's no Father Christmas! 275 00:16:56,520 --> 00:16:57,680 DOOR OPENS 276 00:16:57,680 --> 00:17:02,080 MRS FEATHERSTONE: It's only I, Mr Newbold, don't be alarmed. 277 00:17:02,080 --> 00:17:06,960 I'm sorry I'm late, but it got a bit, er, busy, at the shop. 278 00:17:13,920 --> 00:17:17,760 What are you sitting on? It looks most uncomfortable. 279 00:17:17,760 --> 00:17:19,520 Oh, this? 280 00:17:19,520 --> 00:17:24,440 - It's a suitcase. - Yes, yes, I often sit on a suitcase. 281 00:17:24,440 --> 00:17:26,520 I expect it comes from all those times 282 00:17:26,520 --> 00:17:29,080 when you had to sit on one to fasten it. 283 00:17:29,080 --> 00:17:30,840 Must have got a taste for it. 284 00:17:39,440 --> 00:17:42,080 Oh! 285 00:17:42,080 --> 00:17:45,800 Oh, naughty Mr Newbold! 286 00:17:46,880 --> 00:17:50,080 When I said come for Christmas, I meant dinner. 287 00:17:50,080 --> 00:17:52,760 Of course, I suppose you could bring your pyjamas with you, 288 00:17:52,760 --> 00:17:56,280 just in case there are floods and blizzards and you can't get home. 289 00:18:00,080 --> 00:18:01,760 You'll be away?! 290 00:18:01,760 --> 00:18:03,800 We're going to a hotel. 291 00:18:03,800 --> 00:18:06,360 But they're full of germs and... 292 00:18:07,360 --> 00:18:09,360 ..naughty old men. 293 00:18:09,360 --> 00:18:12,760 Oh, it didn't say anything in the brochure. 294 00:18:12,760 --> 00:18:14,360 It's not my idea. 295 00:18:14,360 --> 00:18:16,640 I was hoping that we could, er... 296 00:18:18,480 --> 00:18:20,880 Oh, me too. 297 00:18:22,480 --> 00:18:27,000 Look, can't you lock Madge in the attic or somewhere? 298 00:18:27,000 --> 00:18:28,680 Not at Christmas. 299 00:18:30,320 --> 00:18:32,880 I'll send someone in to feed her. 300 00:18:32,880 --> 00:18:34,800 She'll only bite them. 301 00:18:34,800 --> 00:18:39,920 I thought you might be here. I need some help with the packing. 302 00:18:39,920 --> 00:18:43,720 I can't pack for you because I don't know what you want to take. 303 00:18:43,720 --> 00:18:46,440 I'm not right fussed about taking anything. 304 00:18:46,440 --> 00:18:48,760 - This is down to you. - Hmm?! 305 00:18:48,760 --> 00:18:50,720 It's nothing to do with me! 306 00:18:51,960 --> 00:18:54,920 Are you sure you're not Pisces? 307 00:18:54,920 --> 00:18:57,520 I haven't touched a drop all day! 308 00:18:59,320 --> 00:19:01,040 Looks like I'm going. 309 00:19:09,840 --> 00:19:12,080 BIRDSONG 310 00:19:14,280 --> 00:19:15,520 Argh! 311 00:19:19,400 --> 00:19:22,880 Oh. I thought I was being dragged in by your Leroy. 312 00:19:22,880 --> 00:19:24,840 No, better luck next time. 313 00:19:24,840 --> 00:19:28,200 No, come here, sit down. 314 00:19:28,200 --> 00:19:29,440 Right. 315 00:19:29,440 --> 00:19:32,160 Now, what do you hear? 316 00:19:32,160 --> 00:19:34,400 - I don't know why you should be asking me! - Hm? 317 00:19:35,800 --> 00:19:38,960 No, what do you know about Mr Newbold? 318 00:19:40,040 --> 00:19:43,200 He's got a bit in the Bradford & Bingley. He once had a parrot. 319 00:19:43,200 --> 00:19:47,040 His wife left him because of the visions. He's very superstitious. 320 00:19:47,040 --> 00:19:49,120 - Visions? - Mm-hm. 321 00:19:49,120 --> 00:19:51,080 Whenever he drank too much sherry, 322 00:19:51,080 --> 00:19:53,840 he regularly saw a Christmas fairy. 323 00:19:55,160 --> 00:19:57,920 What do you mean - a genuine, all whistles and bells, 324 00:19:57,920 --> 00:19:59,960 shiny Christmas fairy? 325 00:19:59,960 --> 00:20:01,920 Mm-hm. Yes. 326 00:20:01,920 --> 00:20:04,920 Although she sometimes looked like Mussolini. 327 00:20:06,000 --> 00:20:09,400 - With a wand? - Very sparkly. 328 00:20:09,400 --> 00:20:12,840 He believed that she guided him through that tricky situation. 329 00:20:12,840 --> 00:20:14,800 He speaks of her still with affection. 330 00:20:16,320 --> 00:20:22,320 I must get a large bottle of sherry for Mr Newbold. 331 00:20:22,320 --> 00:20:25,480 But where am I going to find a Christmas fairy? 332 00:20:31,920 --> 00:20:34,000 What's wrong with your elbow? 333 00:20:34,000 --> 00:20:35,640 Wrong? 334 00:20:35,640 --> 00:20:37,680 I was just looking at it. 335 00:20:37,680 --> 00:20:40,040 Oh, came over you all of a sudden, did it? 336 00:20:40,040 --> 00:20:41,960 "Oh, I must look at my elbow." 337 00:20:41,960 --> 00:20:46,040 It's MY elbow, Kath. A guy's entitled to look at his own elbow. 338 00:20:47,200 --> 00:20:50,080 So why are you looking so guilty about it? 339 00:20:50,080 --> 00:20:51,640 Oh, give me a break, woman. 340 00:20:52,920 --> 00:20:55,320 What could possibly be guilty about an elbow? 341 00:20:56,680 --> 00:20:59,600 Hmm. You've got me there. 342 00:20:59,600 --> 00:21:02,600 But I believe you could be the first person in the universe 343 00:21:02,600 --> 00:21:04,360 to find something. 344 00:21:10,240 --> 00:21:14,240 Here. Right? I want you to take this to Mr Newbold. 345 00:21:14,240 --> 00:21:18,120 Tell him it's a Christmas thank-you to some of our customers. 346 00:21:18,120 --> 00:21:21,200 You're either feeling fast or there's a plot here somewhere. 347 00:21:21,200 --> 00:21:22,880 Oh, no, don't you worry about that. 348 00:21:22,880 --> 00:21:27,360 Just make sure that he has two drinks, maybe three drinks, right? 349 00:21:27,360 --> 00:21:30,960 Cos I want him in that festive condition known as... 350 00:21:31,960 --> 00:21:34,000 .."listening to the fairies". 351 00:21:34,000 --> 00:21:36,000 I knew it. There's a plot. 352 00:21:38,120 --> 00:21:39,360 Yes! 353 00:21:45,720 --> 00:21:47,360 BELL JANGLES 354 00:21:51,240 --> 00:21:52,280 What? 355 00:21:54,400 --> 00:21:57,000 Do you like pantomime, Gastric? 356 00:21:57,000 --> 00:22:00,320 Oh! Who doesn't like pantomime? 357 00:22:00,320 --> 00:22:04,840 How would you like a leading role? Eh? 358 00:22:04,840 --> 00:22:06,880 Bright lights, glamour. 359 00:22:06,880 --> 00:22:09,080 Could I be Dick Whittington? 360 00:22:09,080 --> 00:22:10,960 Well, you haven't got a cat. 361 00:22:12,480 --> 00:22:14,600 But never mind, come inside, 362 00:22:14,600 --> 00:22:19,000 I'm sure that we can find something that'll make you shine. 363 00:22:19,000 --> 00:22:22,640 Yes. GRANVILLE CLEARS HIS THROAT 364 00:22:22,640 --> 00:22:26,520 - How much is this lot going to cost? - Let's stop counting for once. 365 00:22:26,520 --> 00:22:28,560 Push the boat out. 366 00:22:28,560 --> 00:22:30,920 Oh, why am I thinking Titanic? 367 00:22:30,920 --> 00:22:32,720 We're going. 368 00:22:32,720 --> 00:22:36,240 Nice surroundings, we'll have all our meals served. 369 00:22:36,240 --> 00:22:37,800 I'll spill something. 370 00:22:37,800 --> 00:22:41,480 There'll be a programme of events. Entertainment! 371 00:22:41,480 --> 00:22:44,360 There'll be some fat bloke trying to kiss you. 372 00:22:44,360 --> 00:22:46,680 Then I'll get you a thin one! 373 00:22:49,480 --> 00:22:52,480 You said bright lights and glamour. 374 00:22:52,480 --> 00:22:54,320 Yep. That is coming. 375 00:22:54,320 --> 00:22:57,200 And you will have an electric wand. 376 00:22:57,200 --> 00:22:59,080 You said a leading role. 377 00:22:59,080 --> 00:23:02,840 Nobody said a word about a Christmas fairy. 378 00:23:02,840 --> 00:23:06,520 Well, that's Madge's favourite part, isn't it? Tell him, Leroy. 379 00:23:08,880 --> 00:23:10,800 Gets her every time. 380 00:23:10,800 --> 00:23:15,240 - Loves the bit where you save the life of our hero. - Who's our hero? 381 00:23:15,240 --> 00:23:20,320 Mr Newbold. You're going to change the life of Mr Newbold. 382 00:23:20,320 --> 00:23:22,920 With the wave of your electric wand. 383 00:23:22,920 --> 00:23:24,240 Is that wise? 384 00:23:24,240 --> 00:23:26,680 Waving something about that's electric? 385 00:23:26,680 --> 00:23:28,640 You'll be wired to British Standards. 386 00:23:28,640 --> 00:23:30,800 Your safety is our first concern. 387 00:23:36,240 --> 00:23:41,400 The open road, Newbold, to some far solitude. 388 00:23:43,680 --> 00:23:47,160 Just me...and the wilderness. 389 00:23:49,640 --> 00:23:51,120 Or I could go to my sister's. 390 00:23:52,360 --> 00:23:55,640 Yes, yes, first my sister's, 391 00:23:55,640 --> 00:23:58,920 then the wilderness. Anywhere but Mrs Featherstone's. 392 00:24:05,560 --> 00:24:08,840 What... That is frightening! 393 00:24:08,840 --> 00:24:10,800 That looks terrible. What... 394 00:24:10,800 --> 00:24:13,600 What are you supposed to be? 395 00:24:13,600 --> 00:24:15,000 Bog off. 396 00:24:16,120 --> 00:24:18,760 Don't you recognise the Christmas fairy? 397 00:24:18,760 --> 00:24:22,840 - She said "bog off" - what's so Christmassy about that? - So? Bog off. 398 00:24:22,840 --> 00:24:25,320 Oh, nice. Very Christmassy. 399 00:24:25,320 --> 00:24:29,480 Just get on your bike, otherwise she'll turn you into a frog. 400 00:24:29,480 --> 00:24:30,560 Now, go on. 401 00:24:30,560 --> 00:24:34,000 A technical point of order - where's her magic wand? 402 00:24:35,360 --> 00:24:39,440 Right, you get one wish. Where would you like me to stick this? 403 00:24:43,200 --> 00:24:44,880 KNOCK AT WINDOW 404 00:24:48,840 --> 00:24:50,400 KNOCK AT WINDOW 405 00:25:13,720 --> 00:25:15,240 Remember me? 406 00:25:15,240 --> 00:25:17,160 Your Christmas fairy! 407 00:25:18,520 --> 00:25:20,360 Ye gods. 408 00:25:20,360 --> 00:25:22,440 She's changed. 409 00:25:22,440 --> 00:25:24,320 Heed the fairy's warning! 410 00:25:24,320 --> 00:25:28,040 Stay home, accept your feet. 411 00:25:30,320 --> 00:25:33,040 Your fate. Fate. 412 00:25:33,040 --> 00:25:34,640 Oh, sorry. 413 00:26:15,960 --> 00:26:17,480 Ugh! 414 00:26:32,520 --> 00:26:33,920 Turn again, Newbold. 415 00:26:35,280 --> 00:26:37,080 Thrice Lord Mayor of London. 416 00:26:39,200 --> 00:26:41,080 Stick to the script. 417 00:26:41,080 --> 00:26:43,120 Well, who's interpretating this part? 418 00:26:43,120 --> 00:26:44,920 Get over there! 419 00:26:52,840 --> 00:26:54,200 Tell Fairy... 420 00:26:55,440 --> 00:26:58,160 ..I have to do a runner. 421 00:26:58,160 --> 00:27:00,000 Fairy? What fairy? 422 00:27:01,160 --> 00:27:03,480 Oh, didn't you see the fairy? 423 00:27:03,480 --> 00:27:04,760 No. 424 00:27:08,920 --> 00:27:10,080 I think it's best... 425 00:27:11,720 --> 00:27:13,240 ..if I went home. 426 00:27:14,800 --> 00:27:17,480 Good choice, Mr Newbold. 427 00:27:18,920 --> 00:27:20,800 Go on, read him the last bit. 428 00:27:22,280 --> 00:27:24,520 Mussolini says hi! 429 00:27:37,120 --> 00:27:42,280 Is this really the Christmas when our Leroy went vegetarian? 430 00:27:44,480 --> 00:27:47,400 I can't see HIM giving up the flesh. 431 00:27:52,360 --> 00:27:56,120 I wish Mr Newbold could see the Black Widow 432 00:27:56,120 --> 00:27:59,120 as ideal for airing his pyjamas. 433 00:28:01,720 --> 00:28:03,720 We're not going away. 434 00:28:03,720 --> 00:28:05,880 She's keeping an eye on Gastric - 435 00:28:05,880 --> 00:28:09,880 - she found blonde hairs on his collar. - It's a wig! 436 00:28:09,880 --> 00:28:13,000 - Is she giving him trouble? - In buckets. 437 00:28:13,000 --> 00:28:14,960 And he's loving it. 438 00:28:19,480 --> 00:28:21,920 Merry Christmas, Mavis. 439 00:28:23,440 --> 00:28:25,360 Merry Christmas, Granville.