1 00:00:05,520 --> 00:00:08,240 What kind of underpants are these? 2 00:00:08,240 --> 00:00:10,040 Oh, those? 3 00:00:10,040 --> 00:00:13,760 Those are underpants for the digital age. 4 00:00:13,760 --> 00:00:17,480 These are the cutting edge of modern technology, them. 5 00:00:17,480 --> 00:00:20,040 Cutting edge? 6 00:00:20,040 --> 00:00:22,600 They're just what you need in your undershorts. 7 00:00:22,600 --> 00:00:25,960 These little wonders were invented in the workshop 8 00:00:25,960 --> 00:00:30,800 of one Walton Midgely, inventor extraordinaire. 9 00:00:30,800 --> 00:00:34,720 We had enough trouble selling his inflatable roller skates. 10 00:00:34,720 --> 00:00:37,600 Yeah, but that was only because the water were choppy. 11 00:00:37,600 --> 00:00:40,040 I mean, had it been calm, 12 00:00:40,040 --> 00:00:43,600 that Mr Ellis would have got right across that canal. 13 00:00:44,720 --> 00:00:48,640 - And being inflatable, they didn't sink, though, did they? - No. 14 00:00:50,520 --> 00:00:52,720 It's a pity Mr Ellis did. 15 00:00:53,960 --> 00:00:57,360 - Mmm. - So, what we got this time? 16 00:01:00,040 --> 00:01:02,720 "The world in your shorts"? 17 00:01:02,720 --> 00:01:05,560 Mmm. Connect to the internet. 18 00:01:05,560 --> 00:01:07,920 You're never without a signal. 19 00:01:07,920 --> 00:01:11,440 "Stay connected, cold wash, minimum iron". 20 00:01:12,600 --> 00:01:16,000 And the beauty is, as you're wearing them 21 00:01:16,000 --> 00:01:17,920 and walking about in them, 22 00:01:17,920 --> 00:01:20,280 they charge your battery! 23 00:02:11,760 --> 00:02:14,160 All right, you win. 24 00:02:18,720 --> 00:02:23,280 Wha...? Steady, steady. You'll be getting here before you've got up. 25 00:02:23,280 --> 00:02:26,880 I admit to a swagger. I'm on a roll. 26 00:02:26,880 --> 00:02:29,280 You could soon become obnoxious. 27 00:02:29,280 --> 00:02:30,840 Mother used to say that. 28 00:02:30,840 --> 00:02:34,040 - Mother knows best. - You think? 29 00:02:34,040 --> 00:02:37,320 You should have seen who she picked for my old man. 30 00:02:37,320 --> 00:02:40,480 That's the nature of fathers, to be weird, don't you think? 31 00:02:49,440 --> 00:02:53,320 - What brings you in this early? - I'm getting on better with that Madge. 32 00:02:53,320 --> 00:02:57,000 I thought every time she sees you she goes "Ooooh..." 33 00:02:58,000 --> 00:03:00,600 Not any more. I've got her down to, 34 00:03:00,600 --> 00:03:04,280 "Ooh, you could do with losing some weight." 35 00:03:04,280 --> 00:03:06,080 So, what have you got for losing weight? 36 00:03:06,080 --> 00:03:10,000 Ah-ha. I've got the very idea. 37 00:03:10,000 --> 00:03:13,240 It's expensive, but you'll never regret it. 38 00:03:13,240 --> 00:03:15,200 How expensive? 39 00:03:15,200 --> 00:03:17,680 Oh, worse than that. 40 00:03:17,680 --> 00:03:21,680 Well, look, if you want to be a greyhound, it's going to cost. 41 00:03:21,680 --> 00:03:23,880 Couldn't we start with labrador? 42 00:03:27,120 --> 00:03:29,120 Right. I've done the orders. 43 00:03:31,080 --> 00:03:34,240 You know what we've been doing wrong in this business? 44 00:03:34,240 --> 00:03:35,880 Overcharging? 45 00:03:35,880 --> 00:03:39,120 Apart from that. No. 46 00:03:39,120 --> 00:03:43,080 We've been neglecting services. 47 00:03:43,080 --> 00:03:47,080 You see, any competent business supplies not only goods, 48 00:03:47,080 --> 00:03:48,720 but services. 49 00:03:48,720 --> 00:03:52,200 Name one service we could offer. 50 00:03:52,200 --> 00:03:54,320 I'm not going out cleaning. 51 00:03:54,320 --> 00:03:57,760 Don't be ridiculous. Nobody's asked you to. 52 00:03:58,800 --> 00:04:01,240 Mind you, it isn't a bad idea. 53 00:04:04,680 --> 00:04:10,120 No, I'm thinking more of lifestyle guidance. 54 00:04:10,120 --> 00:04:13,600 Like personal training. 55 00:04:13,600 --> 00:04:16,920 Weight loss. Yes, ah-ha. Mm-hm. 56 00:04:20,560 --> 00:04:23,680 Everybody knows you help people lose weight by relieving them 57 00:04:23,680 --> 00:04:24,800 of their money. 58 00:04:24,800 --> 00:04:26,240 Leave that alone. 59 00:04:28,120 --> 00:04:30,200 Forget it. 60 00:04:30,200 --> 00:04:33,560 The thing we ought to do, if you want to modernise this business, 61 00:04:33,560 --> 00:04:36,680 right, is offer a decent vegetarian section. 62 00:04:36,680 --> 00:04:40,040 Oh, don't tell me you're still pining after that loopy bird, 63 00:04:40,040 --> 00:04:42,440 - are you? - She's gorgeous. 64 00:04:42,440 --> 00:04:46,040 She's a librarian. How loopy is that? 65 00:04:46,040 --> 00:04:49,280 She stands on street corners waving placards. 66 00:04:49,280 --> 00:04:51,880 Yes, on behalf of animals. 67 00:04:51,880 --> 00:04:53,840 She's very fond of animals. 68 00:04:53,840 --> 00:04:55,880 Not on her plate. 69 00:04:59,000 --> 00:05:01,200 Ey up, Leroy, here they come, 70 00:05:01,200 --> 00:05:05,520 fresh from last night's romantic evening with their wives. 71 00:05:07,080 --> 00:05:11,240 - Did the Earth move, fellas? - Not very far, by the look of it. 72 00:05:11,240 --> 00:05:14,920 We just came in to tell you that romantic package you sold us 73 00:05:14,920 --> 00:05:19,640 - was a flop. - You told us that romantic package would work. 74 00:05:19,640 --> 00:05:21,280 So, we tried it. 75 00:05:21,280 --> 00:05:25,120 Champagne, chocolates, soft music. 76 00:05:25,120 --> 00:05:27,840 Near-lethal amounts of aftershave. 77 00:05:27,840 --> 00:05:30,200 Well, credit where it's due, 78 00:05:30,200 --> 00:05:32,360 you smell delicious. 79 00:05:33,480 --> 00:05:36,960 Are you saying that they said no to your gifts? 80 00:05:36,960 --> 00:05:40,560 Not to the gifts. I've never seen chocolate disappear so fast. 81 00:05:40,560 --> 00:05:42,560 Or champagne. 82 00:05:42,560 --> 00:05:45,320 I mean, the wife can shift some bubbles when she's roused. 83 00:05:45,320 --> 00:05:48,040 And when I say roused, I'm speaking optimistically. 84 00:05:49,160 --> 00:05:52,920 But what about soft lighting, eh? Sweet music? 85 00:05:52,920 --> 00:05:55,840 Didn't you keep the lights down low? 86 00:05:55,840 --> 00:05:59,040 So low, I trod on her bare foot, didn't I? 87 00:05:59,040 --> 00:06:01,400 At least you made contact with something bare. 88 00:06:03,160 --> 00:06:06,200 This looks like a case for plan B. 89 00:06:06,200 --> 00:06:07,600 We can't afford it. 90 00:06:07,600 --> 00:06:10,960 - You don't know what it is yet. - We're just guessing. - All right, all right. 91 00:06:10,960 --> 00:06:14,360 Well, you'll be sorry because, you see, 92 00:06:14,360 --> 00:06:18,480 83% of people who use this product 93 00:06:18,480 --> 00:06:22,080 reported an increase in domestic... 94 00:06:22,080 --> 00:06:24,720 ..connectivity. 95 00:06:34,480 --> 00:06:38,320 Stop trying to beat the Joneses. They're waving a white flat. 96 00:06:38,320 --> 00:06:42,280 It's her. She says her life needs a change. 97 00:06:42,280 --> 00:06:45,160 What, and painting one room's going to do that? 98 00:06:45,160 --> 00:06:47,720 The difficulty I find in life is trying to get his old jumper 99 00:06:47,720 --> 00:06:50,120 off him for the wash. 100 00:06:50,120 --> 00:06:52,040 Mine was the same. 101 00:06:52,040 --> 00:06:55,040 They'd get a favourite, and you'd think it was for life. 102 00:06:56,160 --> 00:06:59,760 I said, "Eric, it's got gravy on it." He says... 103 00:06:59,760 --> 00:07:02,800 AS ERIC: "That's not gravy, it's rust. 104 00:07:02,800 --> 00:07:06,800 "The corrosion of our once-playful relationship." 105 00:07:06,800 --> 00:07:10,400 That's what they're built for - playtime. 106 00:07:10,400 --> 00:07:12,640 Mine was always playing away. 107 00:07:12,640 --> 00:07:15,840 There were very few home fixtures. 108 00:07:15,840 --> 00:07:18,560 I'm surprised you stuck it for so long. 109 00:07:18,560 --> 00:07:20,280 No, not really. 110 00:07:20,280 --> 00:07:22,640 You were never very bright. 111 00:07:22,640 --> 00:07:25,240 Well, she's happier than you. 112 00:07:25,240 --> 00:07:27,440 Then again, so is everybody. 113 00:07:27,440 --> 00:07:30,120 Well, I find that being miserable works. 114 00:07:30,120 --> 00:07:33,680 You're not inclined to spend as much as when you're happy. 115 00:07:33,680 --> 00:07:37,800 I know I had a bad marriage, but I was never without hope. 116 00:07:37,800 --> 00:07:39,800 He was a heavy smoker. 117 00:07:44,600 --> 00:07:47,960 Rhythm! Find your rhythm. 118 00:07:47,960 --> 00:07:50,360 Trust me, I'm your personal trainer. 119 00:07:51,600 --> 00:07:55,560 Come on, get a move on, cos Mavis has to get back to decorating. 120 00:07:56,840 --> 00:08:00,560 - I'm seeing spots. - Yes, that's good, spots are good, yes. 121 00:08:01,840 --> 00:08:04,080 Are they good? 122 00:08:04,080 --> 00:08:07,560 Yes. You've got spots that are good. 123 00:08:09,520 --> 00:08:12,000 You never said. 124 00:08:12,000 --> 00:08:16,480 - Which spots? - Well, I'd like to be accurate about this. 125 00:08:16,480 --> 00:08:18,400 Can we arrange a site meeting? 126 00:08:19,800 --> 00:08:22,280 I think I'm dying! 127 00:08:22,280 --> 00:08:25,080 Ah, yes, you're feeling the burn. That's good. 128 00:08:25,080 --> 00:08:27,240 Dying is good, yes. 129 00:08:31,840 --> 00:08:36,280 Just one moment, madam, please. There. 130 00:08:43,640 --> 00:08:44,960 Is he dead? 131 00:08:44,960 --> 00:08:47,680 No, no, it's just the excitement of our special offers. 132 00:08:49,440 --> 00:08:51,440 He's lying, I'm dead. 133 00:09:14,800 --> 00:09:17,400 Oh! 134 00:09:25,040 --> 00:09:27,960 HE CHUCKLES 135 00:09:29,600 --> 00:09:32,400 Oh, taking the old microwave for a walk, are we? 136 00:09:33,400 --> 00:09:37,480 My wife bought this thing here yesterday. 137 00:09:37,480 --> 00:09:39,840 - Lord knows why. - Oh, yes. 138 00:09:39,840 --> 00:09:43,480 One of our occasional technological bargains, this. 139 00:09:43,480 --> 00:09:46,040 - It's lethal. - Oh. 140 00:09:46,040 --> 00:09:48,240 I'm sorry she's dead, 141 00:09:48,240 --> 00:09:51,120 but you see, we can't do anything about things that happen 142 00:09:51,120 --> 00:09:53,480 off the premises. 143 00:09:53,480 --> 00:09:55,840 - She's not dead! - Oh. 144 00:09:55,840 --> 00:09:58,160 But that's no thanks to you. 145 00:09:58,160 --> 00:10:00,840 This thing is dangerous. 146 00:10:00,840 --> 00:10:04,160 Well, it can't be that dangerous, you just walked in with it. 147 00:10:04,160 --> 00:10:06,480 It's not switched on. 148 00:10:06,480 --> 00:10:10,680 Well, nobody is round here, this is a cultural cul-de-sac, this. 149 00:10:10,680 --> 00:10:13,880 But then again, that's the way we prefer it. 150 00:10:13,880 --> 00:10:17,760 You sold her a dangerous item. 151 00:10:17,760 --> 00:10:20,400 It flashes and spits. 152 00:10:22,240 --> 00:10:27,320 And the turntable goes round and round in a blur of speed. 153 00:10:27,320 --> 00:10:30,160 Well, what's the matter? Don't you like fast food? 154 00:10:30,160 --> 00:10:31,840 I demand my money back. 155 00:10:35,680 --> 00:10:37,760 Now look what you've done. 156 00:10:40,320 --> 00:10:43,160 Will you take that damn thing away? They're laughing at me. 157 00:10:43,160 --> 00:10:46,160 - It's embarrassing. - I wondered if we could meet 158 00:10:46,160 --> 00:10:50,360 just once before I have to go and train as an astronaut. 159 00:10:50,360 --> 00:10:52,320 You're not listening. 160 00:10:52,320 --> 00:10:55,280 If you give me your number, I'll call you from Mars. 161 00:10:55,280 --> 00:10:56,800 Question... 162 00:10:58,320 --> 00:11:00,440 What does your mother look like? 163 00:11:00,440 --> 00:11:02,760 Why would that be any business of yours? 164 00:11:02,760 --> 00:11:04,840 I want to know how you're going to age. 165 00:11:04,840 --> 00:11:07,320 It's all right now, kidding people you're gorgeous, 166 00:11:07,320 --> 00:11:09,040 but what's down the line? 167 00:11:09,040 --> 00:11:11,600 Nothing for you. 168 00:11:11,600 --> 00:11:13,320 I do impressions. 169 00:11:13,320 --> 00:11:15,600 Maintain my own bicycle. 170 00:11:15,600 --> 00:11:19,200 You think Shakespeare was a vegetarian? 171 00:11:19,200 --> 00:11:22,840 Jane Austen used to send out for pizza. 172 00:11:22,840 --> 00:11:24,760 Pepperoni. 173 00:11:36,160 --> 00:11:39,640 Oh, there he is, the jewel in Madge's crown. 174 00:11:39,640 --> 00:11:41,360 Well, have you recovered? 175 00:11:41,360 --> 00:11:43,680 - I'm hungry. - That sounds like a yes. 176 00:11:43,680 --> 00:11:47,560 - You nearly killed me out there. - But you're looking better for it. 177 00:11:47,560 --> 00:11:49,720 I thought I were dead. 178 00:11:49,720 --> 00:11:54,640 I get the same reaction whenever I'm on the phone to a national company. 179 00:11:54,640 --> 00:11:57,040 - You ready for a snack? - I am. 180 00:11:57,040 --> 00:12:01,200 - That much exercise leaves a hole that needs filling. - Right. 181 00:12:01,200 --> 00:12:04,680 OK, alert your taste buds. 182 00:12:04,680 --> 00:12:07,560 This will be ready in 30 seconds. 183 00:12:07,560 --> 00:12:09,400 Oh, make it 29. 184 00:12:09,400 --> 00:12:13,360 29, sir. All right. There we go. 185 00:12:13,360 --> 00:12:15,320 Thank you. 186 00:12:18,760 --> 00:12:21,560 Ey up, it's getting nasty with me pasty. 187 00:12:22,720 --> 00:12:27,960 No, no. It's what we call in the trade as enhancing the flavour. 188 00:12:32,640 --> 00:12:35,760 MICROWAVE DINGS There, right. 189 00:12:38,120 --> 00:12:40,320 Oh, ah, oh, ah, eh, oh! 190 00:12:40,320 --> 00:12:42,560 Hey! Oh, ah, oh! 191 00:12:45,760 --> 00:12:48,520 Ahh! Ahhh! Ahh! 192 00:12:53,840 --> 00:12:56,160 It's only me! 193 00:12:58,680 --> 00:13:01,120 Oh, there you are. 194 00:13:02,800 --> 00:13:04,080 Did you miss me? 195 00:13:04,080 --> 00:13:07,320 - I haven't had time. - I like that in a man. 196 00:13:07,320 --> 00:13:10,320 Nothing good ever came from wearing your heart on your sleeve. 197 00:13:10,320 --> 00:13:13,840 I think mine's somewhere under my sock. 198 00:13:13,840 --> 00:13:15,680 Oh, stamping again. 199 00:13:15,680 --> 00:13:19,600 - You'll wear your eyes out. - It's called philately. 200 00:13:19,600 --> 00:13:22,520 Philately will get you nowhere! 201 00:13:22,520 --> 00:13:23,760 That's a joke. 202 00:13:24,760 --> 00:13:27,040 Well, you might show some reaction. 203 00:13:27,040 --> 00:13:30,760 The only reaction you provoke is fear. 204 00:13:30,760 --> 00:13:33,040 Oh, bless you for that. 205 00:13:33,040 --> 00:13:36,360 That was the basis for all my three previous marriages. 206 00:13:37,880 --> 00:13:42,360 Boredom time is over. Now, what shall we do? 207 00:13:43,840 --> 00:13:45,600 Oh. Oh, yes. 208 00:13:45,600 --> 00:13:48,640 Now, that is a very good decision you've just made. 209 00:13:48,640 --> 00:13:49,800 I've made? 210 00:13:49,800 --> 00:13:52,920 Yes, why not? I don't expect you to be a doormat. 211 00:13:52,920 --> 00:13:54,400 Later on, possibly, 212 00:13:54,400 --> 00:13:57,520 but not during this intensely physical courtship period. 213 00:13:57,520 --> 00:14:00,560 When have we been intensely physical? I must have missed it. 214 00:14:00,560 --> 00:14:04,280 Well, we haven't. And I appreciate your iron self control. 215 00:14:04,280 --> 00:14:07,000 Less of a struggle than you might think. 216 00:14:07,000 --> 00:14:10,120 No, Mr Newbold, I know the battle it must have been. 217 00:14:10,120 --> 00:14:11,800 But courage, Mr Newbold - 218 00:14:11,800 --> 00:14:15,120 soon I will let you loose to do your will on me. 219 00:14:15,120 --> 00:14:18,440 Why do you seek my company when you dislike me? 220 00:14:18,440 --> 00:14:21,920 Dislike? This is not dislike, Mr Newbold. 221 00:14:21,920 --> 00:14:23,560 This is care. 222 00:14:23,560 --> 00:14:26,960 I am your rock, your security... 223 00:14:26,960 --> 00:14:29,960 ..your fiancee. 224 00:14:29,960 --> 00:14:34,080 - But I've never bought you a ring. - Oh, bless you for remembering. 225 00:14:34,080 --> 00:14:36,400 We'll get one later in the week. 226 00:14:41,280 --> 00:14:43,880 Oh, I see your friends are here. 227 00:14:43,880 --> 00:14:45,840 It's nice to have friends... 228 00:14:45,840 --> 00:14:50,400 - ..except possibly those two. - What's wrong with those two? - Oh, nothing. 229 00:14:50,400 --> 00:14:53,040 And I'm sure they'll be perfectly all right without you 230 00:14:53,040 --> 00:14:54,760 now that you're committed to me. 231 00:14:54,760 --> 00:14:56,760 I can't just drop my friends. 232 00:14:56,760 --> 00:14:59,800 No, of course not, not straight away. 233 00:14:59,800 --> 00:15:03,720 - Kiss me first. - What? Kiss? 234 00:15:03,720 --> 00:15:05,880 Yes, it's that thing where you pucker up your lips. 235 00:15:05,880 --> 00:15:07,680 Yes, I know what it is. 236 00:15:07,680 --> 00:15:09,920 Yes, well, I sometimes wonder. 237 00:15:09,920 --> 00:15:14,680 I'm asking for a courtesy, that's all. It sends a signal. 238 00:15:14,680 --> 00:15:16,360 A peck on the cheek will do. 239 00:15:16,360 --> 00:15:19,080 I don't want hands or tongues where they shouldn't be. 240 00:15:28,880 --> 00:15:32,600 Did you see that? He has this tendency to maul me. 241 00:15:35,440 --> 00:15:39,960 Ooh. Is it me or is it hot in here? 242 00:15:39,960 --> 00:15:42,720 I like this kind. 243 00:15:42,720 --> 00:15:46,040 But then I like this sort as well. 244 00:15:46,040 --> 00:15:49,240 Well, why don't you take them both? 245 00:15:49,240 --> 00:15:52,680 That's brilliant! I'll take both. 246 00:15:52,680 --> 00:15:57,440 By the way, where's this hotspot you're advertising? 247 00:15:57,440 --> 00:15:59,240 Don't ask. 248 00:15:59,240 --> 00:16:01,640 PHONE RINGS Excuse me. 249 00:16:04,280 --> 00:16:06,280 Hello, Arkwright. 250 00:16:06,280 --> 00:16:09,760 PHONE CONTINUES TO RING Hello? 251 00:16:09,760 --> 00:16:12,360 Oh, that's funny, there's nobody there. 252 00:16:12,360 --> 00:16:14,600 PHONE CONTINUES TO RING 253 00:16:18,880 --> 00:16:21,560 Hadn't you better answer it? 254 00:16:21,560 --> 00:16:23,360 Well, it's supposed to be a hotspot. 255 00:16:23,360 --> 00:16:26,600 It's not supposed to perform as a phone. 256 00:16:26,600 --> 00:16:27,960 RINGING STOPS 257 00:16:29,160 --> 00:16:30,800 I hope it wasn't urgent. 258 00:16:31,920 --> 00:16:35,400 Probably somebody just trying to sell me some double glazing. 259 00:16:37,560 --> 00:16:40,600 - Why are you buying her a ring? - I have no idea. 260 00:16:40,600 --> 00:16:43,040 I'd no input into that decision. 261 00:16:43,040 --> 00:16:45,040 There must be a solution. 262 00:16:45,040 --> 00:16:47,560 Believe me, I thought about it... 263 00:16:47,560 --> 00:16:50,040 ..but my garden's not big enough. 264 00:16:51,880 --> 00:16:54,120 And she'll spoil my geraniums. 265 00:16:56,920 --> 00:17:01,720 Whoa. I think something's spoiling my geraniums. 266 00:17:01,720 --> 00:17:03,760 Listen to me. 267 00:17:03,760 --> 00:17:06,560 This is Eric the Peacemaker talking, 268 00:17:06,560 --> 00:17:09,120 with a suggestion less drastic. 269 00:17:09,120 --> 00:17:11,520 Mrs Featherstone has attached herself to me 270 00:17:11,520 --> 00:17:15,760 - by a grip which is impervious to less drastic. - And do you know why? 271 00:17:15,760 --> 00:17:20,400 - I must have sinned heavily in some previous life. - You're lucky. 272 00:17:20,400 --> 00:17:23,360 We're finding it increasingly difficult getting much sinning 273 00:17:23,360 --> 00:17:25,600 going in this life. 274 00:17:25,600 --> 00:17:27,480 Why do you think she's attracted to you? 275 00:17:27,480 --> 00:17:29,400 She hates men. 276 00:17:29,400 --> 00:17:31,200 I'm a human sacrifice. 277 00:17:31,200 --> 00:17:35,360 No, you are a formal dresser. 278 00:17:35,360 --> 00:17:38,440 Collar, tie, polished shoes. 279 00:17:38,440 --> 00:17:40,040 She loves all that. 280 00:17:40,040 --> 00:17:43,320 Yeah, yeah, he's right. You want to go a bit down-market. 281 00:17:45,880 --> 00:17:48,360 PHONE RINGS 282 00:17:50,720 --> 00:17:52,600 - ALL: - It's not mine. 283 00:17:55,360 --> 00:17:58,640 RINGING CONTINUES 284 00:18:16,920 --> 00:18:18,880 How's your hotspot? 285 00:18:18,880 --> 00:18:22,160 Warm. I fear for my future offspring. 286 00:18:22,160 --> 00:18:24,800 It's very weird hearing it talking to you. 287 00:18:24,800 --> 00:18:28,840 Nevertheless, you both look cheerier than when last seen. 288 00:18:28,840 --> 00:18:31,320 It's the warm glow you get from doing a good deed. 289 00:18:31,320 --> 00:18:35,120 - Helping your fellow man. - Of whom are we speaking? 290 00:18:35,120 --> 00:18:37,160 Old Newbold. 291 00:18:37,160 --> 00:18:39,760 We're trying to get him out of the clutches of Mrs Featherstone. 292 00:18:39,760 --> 00:18:41,480 Oh, now, hold on. 293 00:18:41,480 --> 00:18:43,960 Do you think that's a good idea? Because, you see, 294 00:18:43,960 --> 00:18:45,840 I think they make a perfect team. 295 00:18:45,840 --> 00:18:47,880 She's been reducing him to a grub. 296 00:18:47,880 --> 00:18:49,880 You see a grub, 297 00:18:49,880 --> 00:18:53,720 I see an emerging butterfly. 298 00:19:05,600 --> 00:19:08,040 Mr Newbold?! 299 00:19:08,040 --> 00:19:11,800 What have you done to him? Get inside the shop. 300 00:19:11,800 --> 00:19:13,720 Go on, get in, quick. 301 00:19:19,640 --> 00:19:22,840 You look like a map of the London Underground. 302 00:19:22,840 --> 00:19:25,200 It washes off. 303 00:19:25,200 --> 00:19:27,320 What do you think you look like? 304 00:19:27,320 --> 00:19:29,640 Very unappealing to Mrs Featherstone. 305 00:19:29,640 --> 00:19:31,800 That's where you're wrong. 306 00:19:31,800 --> 00:19:34,240 Didn't she ever tell you what her favourite movies was? 307 00:19:34,240 --> 00:19:37,240 Well, I don't see Mrs Featherstone at the movies. 308 00:19:37,240 --> 00:19:40,440 Maybe a Witches' Sabbath. 309 00:19:40,440 --> 00:19:43,920 No, it was A Streetcar Named Desire. 310 00:19:43,920 --> 00:19:47,520 She fell head-over-underwear for Marlon Brando... 311 00:19:47,520 --> 00:19:49,360 ..looking exactly like you. 312 00:19:50,720 --> 00:19:53,840 Well, I don't look like Marlon Brando. 313 00:19:53,840 --> 00:19:56,680 Now, she'll never let you go. 314 00:19:56,680 --> 00:20:00,160 Stay there. Er, Leroy? Come here? 315 00:20:04,440 --> 00:20:06,960 - Mr Newbold? - But who does he remind you of? 316 00:20:12,320 --> 00:20:15,840 MUMBLED AND INDISTINCT: Marlon Brando. 317 00:20:15,840 --> 00:20:18,160 Arlon Grango. 318 00:20:21,480 --> 00:20:23,680 WHISPERS: Marlon Brando! 319 00:20:23,680 --> 00:20:26,480 Oh, yeah. Marlon Brando. 320 00:20:34,600 --> 00:20:36,680 There's tea in the pot. 321 00:20:37,720 --> 00:20:41,760 You do look after me logistically, I'll give you that. 322 00:20:41,760 --> 00:20:45,240 You still think your mother makes better Yorkshire puddings than me. 323 00:20:45,240 --> 00:20:47,760 - Only marginally. - Wrong answer. 324 00:20:47,760 --> 00:20:49,680 You undervalue me, Kath. 325 00:20:50,880 --> 00:20:52,720 You think I'm just an Eric. 326 00:20:52,720 --> 00:20:55,680 Your Eric. Part of the furniture. 327 00:20:55,680 --> 00:20:58,240 Oh. Oh, there's more, is there? 328 00:20:58,240 --> 00:21:00,520 Sorry, have I been missing something? 329 00:21:00,520 --> 00:21:03,360 I am at the cutting edge of technology. 330 00:21:03,360 --> 00:21:06,000 I am permanently connected to the internet. 331 00:21:06,000 --> 00:21:09,840 I am a walking hotspot. 332 00:21:09,840 --> 00:21:11,920 PHONE RINGS 333 00:21:15,920 --> 00:21:18,400 RINGING CONTINUES 334 00:21:23,240 --> 00:21:26,720 I knew that's where most men's ideas come from. 335 00:21:26,720 --> 00:21:30,840 It's just teething troubles. The phone's supposed to take the call. 336 00:21:30,840 --> 00:21:32,600 We'll get it sorted. 337 00:21:32,600 --> 00:21:35,720 Eric, your crotch is ringing. 338 00:21:35,720 --> 00:21:38,560 Do you want me to leave the room so you can talk to it? 339 00:21:38,560 --> 00:21:40,560 There's no need to be sarcastic. 340 00:21:43,400 --> 00:21:46,320 RINGING CONTINUES 341 00:21:46,320 --> 00:21:48,160 Hello? 342 00:21:48,160 --> 00:21:49,880 RINGING CONTINUES 343 00:21:54,640 --> 00:21:57,760 We'll keep him in here till Merle comes. 344 00:21:59,720 --> 00:22:03,120 Merle? You can't throw him to Merle. 345 00:22:03,120 --> 00:22:07,440 Desperate times calls for desperate measures. 346 00:22:07,440 --> 00:22:10,720 I know, but... Merle? 347 00:22:10,720 --> 00:22:12,880 She'll be coming here to pick up her order - 348 00:22:12,880 --> 00:22:15,640 the order that you refused to deliver. 349 00:22:15,640 --> 00:22:17,760 Wait, I am going nowhere near Merle. 350 00:22:17,760 --> 00:22:20,160 You should be ashamed of even thinking about sending me. 351 00:22:20,160 --> 00:22:21,760 She can't eat you. 352 00:22:21,760 --> 00:22:24,200 She ate Mr Pendlebury. 353 00:22:26,160 --> 00:22:28,800 That's different, he was left-handed. 354 00:22:28,800 --> 00:22:31,760 Are you sure I look like Marlon Brando? 355 00:22:31,760 --> 00:22:34,520 Well, there are three women outside the front of the shop 356 00:22:34,520 --> 00:22:37,080 - waiting for your autograph. - Really? 357 00:22:38,360 --> 00:22:42,120 Just keep him here. I'll let you know when Merle comes. 358 00:22:49,880 --> 00:22:54,080 If you don't want him straying, you best keep him at home. 359 00:22:54,080 --> 00:22:58,160 Anyways, how can you be so sure I've been with him? 360 00:22:58,160 --> 00:23:00,480 Am I meant to remember everybody? 361 00:23:01,800 --> 00:23:05,800 If you want confirmation, you better send me a picture. 362 00:23:08,800 --> 00:23:10,720 What are you smiling at? 363 00:23:10,720 --> 00:23:14,440 Nothing, just... You know, grocer's welcome. 364 00:23:14,440 --> 00:23:17,360 - We never got it together, did we? - No. 365 00:23:17,360 --> 00:23:20,800 So, what are you doing to fill your empty nights? 366 00:23:20,800 --> 00:23:24,200 Well, not as much as you, obviously. 367 00:23:26,320 --> 00:23:28,520 HE COUGHS/KNOCKS ON DOOR Sorry, sorry. 368 00:23:28,520 --> 00:23:31,120 - Have you got my order ready? - Oh, yes, I have. 369 00:23:31,120 --> 00:23:33,880 It's down here behind the counter. 370 00:23:33,880 --> 00:23:37,120 I've heard all sorts goes off behind that counter. 371 00:23:37,120 --> 00:23:40,680 No, that's just a rumour put about by Tesco. 372 00:23:46,880 --> 00:23:49,560 How are you today, Merle? 373 00:23:49,560 --> 00:23:51,360 Available for parties. 374 00:23:51,360 --> 00:23:54,400 And who might this tasty morsel be, then? 375 00:23:54,400 --> 00:23:59,440 Well, this Marlon Brando lookalike goes by the name of... 376 00:23:59,440 --> 00:24:01,960 ..Pitbull. 377 00:24:01,960 --> 00:24:03,920 That's not strictly true. 378 00:24:03,920 --> 00:24:07,400 Don't fight it. Live up to it. 379 00:24:07,400 --> 00:24:12,400 Ohhh! These high heels make your ankles ache, don't they? 380 00:24:12,400 --> 00:24:14,520 I don't know, I've never worn high heels. 381 00:24:14,520 --> 00:24:18,760 Merle, leave him! He's shy. 382 00:24:18,760 --> 00:24:20,440 He doesn't look shy to me. 383 00:24:20,440 --> 00:24:22,600 He looks combat ready! 384 00:24:22,600 --> 00:24:26,120 Leroy! Give Merle a hand home with this box. 385 00:24:26,120 --> 00:24:29,520 Nay, don't be giving a lad a man's job! 386 00:24:30,880 --> 00:24:33,400 Here. Give a lady a hand. 387 00:24:33,400 --> 00:24:35,560 There'll be refreshments at the end of it. 388 00:24:36,520 --> 00:24:38,160 Come along, Pitbull. 389 00:24:39,760 --> 00:24:41,560 Ooh, you've kept your figure. 390 00:24:41,560 --> 00:24:44,200 I bet you didn't know you were keeping it for me. 391 00:24:44,200 --> 00:24:47,160 GRANVILLE CHUCKLES 392 00:24:47,160 --> 00:24:50,400 - You can't let her just walk off with him! - Oh, it'll be all right, 393 00:24:50,400 --> 00:24:53,120 just for a while. It'll further his education. 394 00:24:54,200 --> 00:24:58,320 - He'll never be the same. - Don't worry, I'll send in a replacement. 395 00:24:58,320 --> 00:25:01,280 Where are you going to find someone as stupid, 396 00:25:01,280 --> 00:25:03,800 reckless or as brave as that? 397 00:25:03,800 --> 00:25:05,640 SHOP BELL RINGS 398 00:25:06,840 --> 00:25:08,240 HE BELCHES 399 00:25:08,240 --> 00:25:10,680 What have you got for a midday snack? 400 00:25:10,680 --> 00:25:12,400 You'd be surprised. 401 00:25:16,440 --> 00:25:18,360 GEARS CRUNCH 402 00:25:22,040 --> 00:25:25,960 If it's just a dripping tap, how come it's an emergency? 403 00:25:25,960 --> 00:25:29,880 Oh, I think you'll find it is an emergency. 404 00:25:29,880 --> 00:25:34,240 - And what am I doing here? - Hm? - I know you've told me, but I've forgotten. 405 00:25:34,240 --> 00:25:38,600 Well, I need you here to witness Gastric's skills, 406 00:25:38,600 --> 00:25:41,680 so that you can go home and tell Madge 407 00:25:41,680 --> 00:25:43,760 how good he is with the ladies. Hm? 408 00:25:43,760 --> 00:25:46,080 - Is Mavis coming in with me? - No! 409 00:25:46,080 --> 00:25:51,600 Er, I mean, no, she'll stay here and witness it from here. 410 00:25:52,640 --> 00:25:54,240 Shouldn't take too long. 411 00:25:54,240 --> 00:25:55,840 HE CHUCKLES 412 00:26:06,520 --> 00:26:08,960 I've come cos you've got a drip. 413 00:26:08,960 --> 00:26:13,320 You're not kidding. I hope you've got more going for you. 414 00:26:17,440 --> 00:26:22,560 You see how attractive he is to women? Now you can tell your Madge. 415 00:26:23,480 --> 00:26:25,120 Oh. 'Ey! 416 00:26:33,880 --> 00:26:38,360 You see? There are bigger perils than Mrs Featherstone. 417 00:26:38,360 --> 00:26:41,080 I never realised there was so much meat about. 418 00:26:41,080 --> 00:26:44,840 - I can understand people going vegetarian. - Oh, aye. 419 00:26:46,760 --> 00:26:50,040 - Do you think we ought to leave Gastric? - Yes, leave him. 420 00:26:50,040 --> 00:26:51,760 Let's get away from here. 421 00:26:56,600 --> 00:26:59,360 Doesn't look like a bad back to me! 422 00:27:03,280 --> 00:27:05,240 - Where to? - Anywhere! 423 00:27:05,240 --> 00:27:07,280 HE LAUGHS Right! 424 00:27:16,440 --> 00:27:18,960 That Merle's a pearl. 425 00:27:21,600 --> 00:27:24,200 I bet we don't see Pitbull any more. 426 00:27:28,880 --> 00:27:33,400 I thought Gastric was moving BETTER when he fled from Merle's place. 427 00:27:36,280 --> 00:27:39,040 Just shows, my training's paying off. 428 00:27:42,760 --> 00:27:44,960 PHONE RINGS 429 00:27:45,960 --> 00:27:49,400 Oh, dear! I bet it's a wrong number. 430 00:27:50,640 --> 00:27:53,560 It's really no place for strangers.