1 00:00:02,000 --> 00:00:03,880 BELL DINGS 2 00:00:06,440 --> 00:00:08,240 Hmm. 3 00:00:13,520 --> 00:00:15,800 You're taking crude commercial advantage of me. 4 00:00:15,800 --> 00:00:17,960 You look great. 5 00:00:17,960 --> 00:00:19,360 I look like a banana. 6 00:00:19,360 --> 00:00:22,760 You look as though you're born to be a banana. 7 00:00:24,160 --> 00:00:30,040 Look, what we're doing here is we are creating customer interest. 8 00:00:30,040 --> 00:00:33,320 You say "we," but look who's wearing this thing. 9 00:00:33,320 --> 00:00:36,640 You're playing the lead in this production. 10 00:00:36,640 --> 00:00:41,640 Oh, well, I am flattered that you think I've got the emotional range 11 00:00:41,640 --> 00:00:43,880 to be a convincing banana. 12 00:00:43,880 --> 00:00:49,240 Listen, today a banana, and tomorrow, who knows? 13 00:00:50,520 --> 00:00:53,600 Hey, I've got this image of a stick of celery. 14 00:00:54,720 --> 00:00:56,360 Oh! 15 00:01:15,680 --> 00:01:17,440 Oh! 16 00:01:25,200 --> 00:01:27,520 CASH REGISTER RINGS 17 00:01:30,000 --> 00:01:32,040 COINS JINGLE 18 00:01:38,400 --> 00:01:41,560 Come on. 19 00:01:41,560 --> 00:01:43,080 HE LAUGHS 20 00:01:43,080 --> 00:01:45,720 Come on. 21 00:01:45,720 --> 00:01:48,200 Oh! Wait, wait for it. 22 00:01:53,920 --> 00:01:56,400 You may. 23 00:01:56,400 --> 00:01:58,160 Go on. 24 00:02:01,280 --> 00:02:02,600 Oh! 25 00:02:02,600 --> 00:02:06,800 All right, Arkwright, don't get overexcited. 26 00:02:06,800 --> 00:02:09,640 Let's try and keep it civilised, hey? 27 00:02:09,640 --> 00:02:12,040 It too early to be civilised. 28 00:02:12,040 --> 00:02:14,400 It's only half past barbarian. 29 00:02:14,400 --> 00:02:18,240 You, you should be jumping out of bed in the morning 30 00:02:18,240 --> 00:02:22,440 thirsting to get to grips with your first customer. 31 00:02:22,440 --> 00:02:25,080 Yesterday that was Mrs Lewis. 32 00:02:25,080 --> 00:02:27,920 Oh, right, I take your point. 33 00:02:27,920 --> 00:02:31,280 Anyway, Leroy, you're not showing enough keenness. 34 00:02:31,280 --> 00:02:36,120 Just remember that one day all of this will be yours. 35 00:02:36,120 --> 00:02:38,760 You're going to leave all of this to a banana? 36 00:02:38,760 --> 00:02:41,760 Stop moaning. It worked, though, didn't it? 37 00:02:41,760 --> 00:02:44,040 Yeah, for you. All I got was greenfly! 38 00:02:44,040 --> 00:02:46,240 BELL DINGS 39 00:02:52,560 --> 00:02:56,520 I suppose we ought to be grateful it's not a four by four. 40 00:02:56,520 --> 00:02:59,040 We can't leave it outside, it'll get nicked. 41 00:02:59,040 --> 00:03:03,560 To you this is just a tandem, but to us, she's... Well, she's family. 42 00:03:03,560 --> 00:03:05,240 She shares our pain. 43 00:03:05,240 --> 00:03:09,280 You know, I've always thought the best way to ease pain is a bit of 44 00:03:09,280 --> 00:03:11,440 therapeutic spending. 45 00:03:11,440 --> 00:03:14,720 Messrs Arkwright and Son extend a warm welcome 46 00:03:14,720 --> 00:03:18,120 to practising members of the consumer society. 47 00:03:18,120 --> 00:03:21,480 Didn't you used to be a banana? 48 00:03:25,680 --> 00:03:27,480 I'm trying to forget. 49 00:03:29,080 --> 00:03:31,440 Would you mind telling me what you come in for, 50 00:03:31,440 --> 00:03:35,840 - and get that thing out of here. - We want energy snacks. 51 00:03:35,840 --> 00:03:38,760 Healthy bites for athlete reaching for the limits. 52 00:03:38,760 --> 00:03:41,000 Aye, something to see us through the agony. 53 00:03:41,000 --> 00:03:43,240 Well, I've got granary bars. 54 00:03:44,960 --> 00:03:48,160 Sugar-free whole-wheat crunches. 55 00:03:50,600 --> 00:03:52,640 Bacon buttys. 56 00:03:54,240 --> 00:03:56,400 Thought you'd never ask. 57 00:04:00,680 --> 00:04:02,960 Oh, nice job, Gastric. 58 00:04:02,960 --> 00:04:05,280 I'm not usually that sure about anything. 59 00:04:05,280 --> 00:04:08,760 Oh, I knew you'd like it. She'll find fault. 60 00:04:10,080 --> 00:04:12,040 Did you wipe the floor mats? 61 00:04:13,560 --> 00:04:16,280 Both sides. You could eat a meal off them. 62 00:04:16,280 --> 00:04:19,080 So that's how you learned your table manners. 63 00:04:19,080 --> 00:04:21,200 I've been thinking, Madge... 64 00:04:21,200 --> 00:04:23,640 Don't strain yourself for me. 65 00:04:23,640 --> 00:04:26,680 Close your clacker a minute and listen to what he's got to say. 66 00:04:29,240 --> 00:04:31,880 We should go out for a meal sometime, I'd get dressed up, 67 00:04:31,880 --> 00:04:35,000 - you wouldn't know me. - I don't know you. 68 00:04:35,000 --> 00:04:38,680 You ought to get out more, Madge, get a life. 69 00:04:38,680 --> 00:04:40,200 A meal with him? 70 00:04:40,200 --> 00:04:43,240 I've seen him at work on a sandwich. 71 00:04:43,240 --> 00:04:45,760 It'll be all right if I stay off things that splash. 72 00:04:45,760 --> 00:04:48,960 You could splash walnuts. 73 00:04:50,280 --> 00:04:55,600 - Don't give up. - No way, I'm making progress. She used to ignore me. 74 00:04:55,600 --> 00:04:57,720 Now she insults me to my face. 75 00:04:57,720 --> 00:04:59,480 THEY LAUGH 76 00:05:06,120 --> 00:05:08,360 Is this loaf fresh? 77 00:05:08,360 --> 00:05:11,080 This crust is dry. 78 00:05:11,080 --> 00:05:15,960 Dry, hard, and a specially designed by our leading brain scientists 79 00:05:15,960 --> 00:05:18,880 to keep out the crumb fly. 80 00:05:20,160 --> 00:05:23,800 That's a new one on me, crumb fly. 81 00:05:23,800 --> 00:05:26,280 But you've seen the trail that it leaves, haven't you? 82 00:05:26,280 --> 00:05:28,320 You know, the crumbs everywhere. 83 00:05:28,320 --> 00:05:29,520 We all find crumbs. 84 00:05:29,520 --> 00:05:32,640 And I bet you've scolded your husband, haven't you, 85 00:05:32,640 --> 00:05:36,960 for leaving crumbs about when all the time it's been the crumb fly? 86 00:05:36,960 --> 00:05:39,000 I wouldn't say scold. 87 00:05:39,000 --> 00:05:41,040 I make him clean them up. 88 00:05:41,040 --> 00:05:44,200 And I suspect he hasn't heard of crumb fly, either. 89 00:05:44,200 --> 00:05:47,960 He will have heard of the saying, "Oh, crumbs," 90 00:05:47,960 --> 00:05:54,800 which dates back to the great plague of the crumb fly in 1460 something 91 00:05:54,800 --> 00:05:58,040 or other, when they had to evacuate Birmingham. 92 00:05:59,800 --> 00:06:01,200 Well, I've never seen one. 93 00:06:01,200 --> 00:06:04,280 Well, of course, you won't, Madame, will you? Because it... 94 00:06:04,280 --> 00:06:06,840 Pardon me. ..takes a professional. 95 00:06:06,840 --> 00:06:09,800 But you're sure there's none in this loaf? 96 00:06:09,800 --> 00:06:13,560 Well, how about I give it another run through my crumb fly detective 97 00:06:13,560 --> 00:06:16,200 - for you? - I'd feel better. 98 00:06:16,200 --> 00:06:18,400 Yeah. Won't be a moment. 99 00:06:18,400 --> 00:06:20,240 Excuse me. 100 00:06:22,360 --> 00:06:24,320 SQUEAKING 101 00:06:26,120 --> 00:06:27,680 There we are. 102 00:06:27,680 --> 00:06:30,280 Guaranteed crumb fly free. 103 00:06:30,280 --> 00:06:33,440 That'll be 10p, but worth it just for the peace of mind, 104 00:06:33,440 --> 00:06:37,280 - don't you think? - How do these flies manage to stay unseen? 105 00:06:37,280 --> 00:06:42,080 You never know that they've been, because they work in gangs. 106 00:06:43,800 --> 00:06:48,280 See, they come along and they send one of the gang into the bread, 107 00:06:48,280 --> 00:06:50,440 and he's in there, sorting it out, 108 00:06:50,440 --> 00:06:53,360 and he's throwing the crumbs out, like that, 109 00:06:53,360 --> 00:06:55,960 to his mates that are on the outside. 110 00:06:57,600 --> 00:06:59,560 They're very organised. 111 00:06:59,560 --> 00:07:04,240 You're looking at the insect equivalent of five O-levels. 112 00:07:06,360 --> 00:07:10,120 Anyway, that's £1.50, plus 10p for the test. 113 00:07:24,120 --> 00:07:26,520 When do I get to ride in front? 114 00:07:26,520 --> 00:07:30,240 When you're ready for that amount of responsibility. 115 00:07:30,240 --> 00:07:32,520 I'm ready to change this saddle. 116 00:07:32,520 --> 00:07:34,800 This thing's got attitude. 117 00:07:34,800 --> 00:07:37,200 Well, it's no picnic in the hot seat. 118 00:07:37,200 --> 00:07:40,200 It's me who takes the full impact of any collision. 119 00:07:40,200 --> 00:07:42,760 Then, I recommend we don't have one. 120 00:07:42,760 --> 00:07:46,280 You'll be safe behind me, while I'm out on a limb here, 121 00:07:46,280 --> 00:07:48,800 on top of which I had to the navigating. 122 00:07:50,160 --> 00:07:54,040 - Wait! What are you...what are you playing at?! - Argh! 123 00:07:54,040 --> 00:07:55,600 Argh! 124 00:07:58,200 --> 00:08:00,400 Get off me. 125 00:08:00,400 --> 00:08:02,160 Oh! 126 00:08:03,720 --> 00:08:05,880 HE CLEARS HIS THROAT 127 00:08:07,880 --> 00:08:11,720 What happens when I go brown and start turning to mush? 128 00:08:11,720 --> 00:08:14,720 There's nothing looks worse than yesterday's banana. 129 00:08:14,720 --> 00:08:16,600 Why are you wearing dark glasses? 130 00:08:16,600 --> 00:08:19,000 - You think I want to be recognised? - Come along, man up. 131 00:08:19,000 --> 00:08:23,240 We don't want to be known as people who are selling bananas of low 132 00:08:23,240 --> 00:08:26,720 self-esteem, do we? 133 00:08:27,800 --> 00:08:29,320 What's your worst nightmare? 134 00:08:29,320 --> 00:08:34,480 - You know that, it's the black widow. - Good luck for mashed bananas. 135 00:08:34,480 --> 00:08:38,120 No, no, let me, you let me in, you swine, you... 136 00:08:38,120 --> 00:08:39,960 BELL RINGS 137 00:08:41,640 --> 00:08:44,360 Was that a banana I saw you with, Granville? 138 00:08:44,360 --> 00:08:48,560 Stick to your own kind, we peel just as easily. 139 00:08:48,560 --> 00:08:52,080 - How is Mr Newbold? - Beating a path to my door. 140 00:08:52,080 --> 00:08:55,400 Sometimes he overwhelms me. How long before he gets his 141 00:08:55,400 --> 00:08:58,240 forceful, masculine way? 142 00:08:58,240 --> 00:09:03,000 I can't see you being overwhelmed, Mrs Featherstone. 143 00:09:03,000 --> 00:09:05,240 I saw you frightening a policeman. 144 00:09:05,240 --> 00:09:08,360 A perfect stranger and he told me I was speeding. 145 00:09:08,360 --> 00:09:13,040 No, no, Granville, there is a timid female inside here waiting for 146 00:09:13,040 --> 00:09:16,920 someone who has the nerve to explore. 147 00:09:16,920 --> 00:09:20,800 Grab me, Granville, before its too late. 148 00:09:20,800 --> 00:09:24,840 Oh, oh, excuse me, I've got to check my reserve stock. 149 00:09:24,840 --> 00:09:28,720 Oh, oh, you've got a wicked way with words. 150 00:09:28,720 --> 00:09:32,920 Secure me now, before Mr Newbold becomes the fourth Mr Featherstone. 151 00:09:32,920 --> 00:09:37,840 He's a good man. He deserves to be happy, 152 00:09:37,840 --> 00:09:41,160 but you should marry him anyway. 153 00:09:41,160 --> 00:09:44,520 Well, don't think you could have me as a bit on the side if I marry. 154 00:09:44,520 --> 00:09:48,720 Although, I would recommend that you check that decision periodically. 155 00:09:53,120 --> 00:09:56,320 Why? Why do they want to go round Britain by tandem? 156 00:09:56,320 --> 00:10:01,520 They're blood brothers. It's a symbol of their male bonding. 157 00:10:01,520 --> 00:10:06,960 Two spirits, joined as one, in search of action and adventure. 158 00:10:06,960 --> 00:10:09,200 THEY LAUGH 159 00:10:11,440 --> 00:10:15,280 - I think it's great. - You thought him you married was great. 160 00:10:15,280 --> 00:10:16,800 I didn't like to contradict him. 161 00:10:16,800 --> 00:10:19,440 Well, no wonder your marriage failed. 162 00:10:19,440 --> 00:10:22,160 Did you try being nasty? That gets far better results. 163 00:10:22,160 --> 00:10:25,400 - Hey, we're not all as gifted as you. - I don't do so badly. 164 00:10:25,400 --> 00:10:29,800 - Ask anybody. - Ask gastric. You're rotten to him. 165 00:10:29,800 --> 00:10:33,720 Gastric was designed for punishment. 166 00:10:33,720 --> 00:10:36,480 I always thought you got more by being nice. 167 00:10:36,480 --> 00:10:38,800 So, what did I get? 168 00:10:38,800 --> 00:10:40,960 - Pregnant. - There's nice and there's nice. 169 00:10:40,960 --> 00:10:42,960 I know that now! 170 00:10:43,920 --> 00:10:47,000 I always found being unpleasant was the best form of contraception. 171 00:10:47,000 --> 00:10:51,360 I used to fake a runny nose and sniffle a lot. 172 00:10:51,360 --> 00:10:53,720 - That worked for me. - I thought you were poorly. 173 00:10:53,720 --> 00:10:57,480 I know, I was good, wasn't I? 174 00:10:57,480 --> 00:11:00,520 You don't need any tricks, you just say no. 175 00:11:00,520 --> 00:11:03,360 - Don't they sulk? - Of course they sulk, get used to it. 176 00:11:03,360 --> 00:11:07,160 It's all right for you, you've got somebody amiable. 177 00:11:07,160 --> 00:11:09,680 I always used to settle for well-trained. 178 00:11:09,680 --> 00:11:13,920 You'd have been fast tracked for promotion in the SS. 179 00:11:15,800 --> 00:11:18,840 I applied, but they had no vacancies. 180 00:11:21,040 --> 00:11:23,840 Mine looked really good on our wedding pictures. 181 00:11:23,840 --> 00:11:25,520 Really happy. 182 00:11:25,520 --> 00:11:27,160 Thanks to the best man. 183 00:11:27,160 --> 00:11:29,360 Oh, you thought it was your husband's best friend. 184 00:11:29,360 --> 00:11:32,560 I did. Especially when he ran off with him. 185 00:11:48,640 --> 00:11:51,200 Are you going to read those or are they just so you can come in, 186 00:11:51,200 --> 00:11:53,800 - and annoy me? - Bit of both. 187 00:11:53,800 --> 00:11:55,160 When are we going out for a meal? 188 00:11:55,160 --> 00:11:57,240 Never. 189 00:11:57,240 --> 00:12:02,040 Oh, as soon as that, better wash my hair. 190 00:12:02,040 --> 00:12:04,560 "The Handbook Of Western Philosophy." 191 00:12:04,560 --> 00:12:07,200 I was going to wait for the movie, but... 192 00:12:11,000 --> 00:12:12,560 All right. 193 00:12:23,920 --> 00:12:28,200 - Hello, Mavis. - Hello, Granville. 194 00:12:28,200 --> 00:12:29,880 Alone at last. 195 00:12:29,880 --> 00:12:32,120 Not for long, I bet. 196 00:12:32,120 --> 00:12:36,760 You're just in time to see my collection of Victorian cheese slices. 197 00:12:36,760 --> 00:12:40,000 You certainly know how to tempt a person. 198 00:12:40,000 --> 00:12:42,080 I wonder how many girls have gone wrong 199 00:12:42,080 --> 00:12:45,160 falling for an invitation like that. 200 00:12:45,160 --> 00:12:47,000 I can't imagine. 201 00:12:47,000 --> 00:12:49,720 But let's see if we can add one. 202 00:12:49,720 --> 00:12:53,520 They warn you against everything but cheese slices. 203 00:12:53,520 --> 00:12:56,520 I have an admission to make. 204 00:12:56,520 --> 00:12:59,800 I don't actually have a collection of Victorian cheese slices. 205 00:12:59,800 --> 00:13:02,640 So I've been tricked and misled? 206 00:13:02,640 --> 00:13:04,760 Oh, well, 207 00:13:04,760 --> 00:13:07,160 feels all right so far. 208 00:13:07,160 --> 00:13:08,720 And it could get better. 209 00:13:08,720 --> 00:13:11,120 You'd talk me into anything. 210 00:13:11,120 --> 00:13:14,000 I've forgotten what I came in for now. 211 00:13:14,000 --> 00:13:17,080 You see, I now have a dilemma. 212 00:13:17,080 --> 00:13:22,000 Because I don't have a collection of Victorian cheese slices, 213 00:13:22,000 --> 00:13:25,480 I wonder what it is we're going to do. 214 00:13:25,480 --> 00:13:27,040 Don't ask me. 215 00:13:27,040 --> 00:13:30,240 You know what I'm like at decisions. 216 00:13:30,240 --> 00:13:33,560 Fortunately, I do have an idea. 217 00:13:35,360 --> 00:13:38,280 Is this the idea that's just getting interesting, 218 00:13:38,280 --> 00:13:41,920 and somebody comes into the shop? 219 00:13:41,920 --> 00:13:46,040 That's the one. And then I serve them like lightning. 220 00:13:46,040 --> 00:13:48,160 And I'm straight back. 221 00:13:49,800 --> 00:13:51,520 BELL RINGS 222 00:13:52,680 --> 00:13:54,600 DOOR CLOSES 223 00:13:56,440 --> 00:13:58,520 Don't go away. 224 00:14:03,240 --> 00:14:05,720 Yes, yes, Mr Newbold, what can I get you? 225 00:14:05,720 --> 00:14:08,960 - Very quickly. - I'm here with a sizeable order. 226 00:14:08,960 --> 00:14:12,720 - I've made a list. - Right, OK, leave it with me, off you go, 227 00:14:12,720 --> 00:14:14,440 and I'll get it sent round to you. 228 00:14:14,440 --> 00:14:18,240 No. No, I need it now, I want to take it with me. 229 00:14:18,240 --> 00:14:22,280 But, you see, I've got certain logistical problems that require my 230 00:14:22,280 --> 00:14:24,520 attention in the warehouse. 231 00:14:24,520 --> 00:14:27,360 Can't you attend to me first? Can't they wait? 232 00:14:27,360 --> 00:14:30,440 Well, they do depend on the size of your, you know, 233 00:14:30,440 --> 00:14:33,600 your list. All right. 234 00:14:33,600 --> 00:14:35,760 Have a look. 235 00:14:35,760 --> 00:14:37,560 Three, four... 236 00:14:39,200 --> 00:14:40,920 Oh! 237 00:14:43,720 --> 00:14:45,200 Erm... 238 00:14:45,200 --> 00:14:46,800 Oh. 239 00:14:49,080 --> 00:14:51,600 Oh, hello, Mavis, are being attended to? 240 00:14:51,600 --> 00:14:54,000 The short answer is no. 241 00:14:54,000 --> 00:14:56,720 - Me, neither. - He said he'd be straight back. 242 00:14:56,720 --> 00:14:59,920 I think I'm in love with a librarian. 243 00:14:59,920 --> 00:15:01,440 Is that wise? 244 00:15:01,440 --> 00:15:02,920 They probably read in bed. 245 00:15:02,920 --> 00:15:06,360 I'm never going to find out. 246 00:15:06,360 --> 00:15:08,440 She won't look at me because I eat meat. 247 00:15:08,440 --> 00:15:10,880 Only at mealtimes. 248 00:15:13,520 --> 00:15:16,440 Emergency rations, Granville. 249 00:15:16,440 --> 00:15:18,720 That's why all the tinned stuff. 250 00:15:18,720 --> 00:15:21,960 My door's going to be firmly locked against allcomers. 251 00:15:21,960 --> 00:15:24,280 I shall be unavailable. 252 00:15:24,280 --> 00:15:28,200 Locking yourself in with Mrs Featherstone. 253 00:15:28,200 --> 00:15:30,760 Sealing off your little love nest. 254 00:15:30,760 --> 00:15:34,400 Way to go, Mr Newbold. 255 00:15:34,400 --> 00:15:37,360 Locking her in? I'm looking her out. 256 00:15:37,360 --> 00:15:41,720 A man's house is his castle, and I'm pulling up the drawbridge. 257 00:15:43,040 --> 00:15:45,560 I'm barricading me in. 258 00:15:54,520 --> 00:15:56,320 I was coming back from town. 259 00:15:56,320 --> 00:15:58,680 They passed me on the tandem, wobbling. 260 00:15:58,680 --> 00:16:00,920 It's what they do best. 261 00:16:00,920 --> 00:16:04,000 You have to admire their ambition, though. 262 00:16:04,000 --> 00:16:08,320 Also, I do feel obliged to point out some wives might find the magic 263 00:16:08,320 --> 00:16:10,560 returning at the sight of their husbands 264 00:16:10,560 --> 00:16:13,560 dressed head to toe in Lycra. 265 00:16:13,560 --> 00:16:15,760 I must have missed it. 266 00:16:15,760 --> 00:16:17,640 DOOR CLOSES 267 00:16:20,280 --> 00:16:22,680 Oh! Get me a chair. 268 00:16:22,680 --> 00:16:24,760 With a cushion on it. 269 00:16:24,760 --> 00:16:26,960 Where's the other idiot? 270 00:16:26,960 --> 00:16:29,560 Coming. He'll need a cushion, honey. 271 00:16:30,760 --> 00:16:32,800 Two cushions. 272 00:16:37,480 --> 00:16:39,120 BELL RINGS 273 00:16:39,120 --> 00:16:40,920 Hey, I've had three good rollickings 274 00:16:40,920 --> 00:16:43,000 from that Madge today already. 275 00:16:43,000 --> 00:16:45,640 I'm really getting her attention now. 276 00:16:45,640 --> 00:16:47,200 Hey? 277 00:16:50,080 --> 00:16:53,680 Hello? Is there anybody there? 278 00:16:53,680 --> 00:16:55,640 Nod once for yes. 279 00:16:59,000 --> 00:17:00,520 Mrs Featherstone. 280 00:17:00,520 --> 00:17:03,880 No, the way you can tell is I'm not in a frock. 281 00:17:03,880 --> 00:17:08,040 No, but I can tell you what I mean, trouble. 282 00:17:08,040 --> 00:17:11,640 You were so far gone, I could have shoplifted anything. 283 00:17:11,640 --> 00:17:14,560 - You what? - You were miles away. 284 00:17:14,560 --> 00:17:20,520 Yeah, not enough miles between me and the threat I'm under. 285 00:17:20,520 --> 00:17:23,840 The weights and measures been checking you again? 286 00:17:23,840 --> 00:17:26,440 No, no, it's worse than that. 287 00:17:27,440 --> 00:17:30,200 It's the black widow. 288 00:17:30,200 --> 00:17:34,280 I've got to get her and Mr Newbold back together again. 289 00:17:34,280 --> 00:17:36,320 Do you think he fancies her? 290 00:17:36,320 --> 00:17:38,440 Of course he fancies her. 291 00:17:38,440 --> 00:17:41,160 It's just that he doesn't know that yet. 292 00:17:43,880 --> 00:17:45,800 But watch this space. 293 00:17:59,640 --> 00:18:03,400 Careless. Has he forgotten I'm coming? 294 00:18:03,400 --> 00:18:05,920 Black mark, Newbold, this won't do. 295 00:18:05,920 --> 00:18:07,880 KNOCKING ON DOOR 296 00:18:10,960 --> 00:18:12,720 Is he going deaf? 297 00:18:15,120 --> 00:18:17,960 Is he concealing it from me? 298 00:18:17,960 --> 00:18:22,080 You see how they suck you in, pretending they're fit for purpose. 299 00:18:23,360 --> 00:18:25,720 Why didn't you tell me? 300 00:18:25,720 --> 00:18:28,680 What other little disabilities are you going to spring on me? 301 00:18:33,080 --> 00:18:35,800 Is this why you have never sprung on me? 302 00:18:38,120 --> 00:18:42,360 Oh, men! Who can you trust? 303 00:18:42,360 --> 00:18:45,080 Shame on you, Newbold! 304 00:18:46,000 --> 00:18:47,720 Ooh. 305 00:18:47,720 --> 00:18:49,480 Wait a minute. 306 00:18:49,480 --> 00:18:53,040 This is not the Newbold I know and can turn to jelly. 307 00:18:54,360 --> 00:18:55,920 I see what it is. 308 00:18:55,920 --> 00:19:00,600 He's afraid to tell me in case...in case it drives me away. 309 00:19:00,600 --> 00:19:02,680 Oh, bless him. 310 00:19:02,680 --> 00:19:04,920 All is forgiven. 311 00:19:04,920 --> 00:19:07,160 Unless it's something very unsightly. 312 00:19:09,480 --> 00:19:13,920 It is I, Wilburn, your Delphine. 313 00:19:23,680 --> 00:19:27,880 You know what Mr Newbold's problem is, don't you? 314 00:19:27,880 --> 00:19:32,280 Well, he sees Mrs Featherstone as a tough old bat. 315 00:19:32,280 --> 00:19:35,280 That could be because she is a tough old bat. 316 00:19:35,280 --> 00:19:39,760 Yes, on the surface. But does he know what lies beneath? 317 00:19:40,840 --> 00:19:44,240 Does he know that she was once an exotic dancer, 318 00:19:44,240 --> 00:19:48,240 who went by the name of Roxy Thong? 319 00:19:48,240 --> 00:19:50,080 Mrs Featherstone? 320 00:19:50,080 --> 00:19:51,640 - Yeah. - Get over. 321 00:19:51,640 --> 00:19:54,200 She performed mainly in Europe. 322 00:19:54,200 --> 00:19:57,280 That's why we don't know about her here. 323 00:19:57,280 --> 00:20:00,400 She drove them mad in Germany, you know. 324 00:20:00,400 --> 00:20:04,600 She did things with three balloons that you could not believe. 325 00:20:17,040 --> 00:20:19,880 HE GRUNTS AND STRUGGLES 326 00:20:19,880 --> 00:20:22,480 Right, I've got you. 327 00:20:22,480 --> 00:20:26,320 There. Who did that? That's Leroy. 328 00:20:26,320 --> 00:20:27,880 BELL RINGS 329 00:20:27,880 --> 00:20:29,320 DOOR CLOSES 330 00:20:29,320 --> 00:20:31,720 Right, stay there, don't go away. 331 00:20:38,440 --> 00:20:40,960 Good day to you, Mrs Thong. 332 00:20:40,960 --> 00:20:43,000 - "Thong"? - Featherstone. 333 00:20:43,000 --> 00:20:44,720 You said "Thong." 334 00:20:44,720 --> 00:20:46,520 Did I say? Why did I say "Thong"? 335 00:20:46,520 --> 00:20:48,560 Perhaps we could go to a quieter place, 336 00:20:48,560 --> 00:20:52,120 and tease out the roots of that Freudian slip. 337 00:20:53,400 --> 00:20:56,600 How is Mr Newbold? 338 00:20:56,600 --> 00:20:59,080 He's dead. 339 00:20:59,080 --> 00:21:00,640 "Dead"? What? 340 00:21:00,640 --> 00:21:03,240 - He can't be dead. - I went round to his house. 341 00:21:03,240 --> 00:21:06,600 I called and I called, there was no reply, he must be dead. 342 00:21:06,600 --> 00:21:10,200 Well, he was in here this morning. He looked perfectly well. 343 00:21:10,200 --> 00:21:13,440 They go fast at his age. 344 00:21:13,440 --> 00:21:17,800 So, there's just you and me now, Granville. 345 00:21:19,080 --> 00:21:21,120 Oh! I'll give him a call. 346 00:21:21,120 --> 00:21:23,120 Well, what's the point if he's dead? 347 00:21:23,120 --> 00:21:27,360 - He's not dead. - No, well, he better be if he's not answering my calls. 348 00:21:27,360 --> 00:21:29,400 PHONE RINGS 349 00:21:38,920 --> 00:21:40,800 Hexthorpe Gasworks. 350 00:21:40,800 --> 00:21:45,440 You're not the Hexthorpe Gasworks. It's you, Newbold, isn't it? 351 00:21:45,440 --> 00:21:48,320 I thought you were dead. 352 00:21:50,080 --> 00:21:52,680 Why didn't I think of that? 353 00:21:54,680 --> 00:21:58,080 Why are you masquerading as the Hexthorpe Gasworks? 354 00:21:58,080 --> 00:22:00,760 It's a fantasy. Do you mind? 355 00:22:00,760 --> 00:22:04,160 I've always wanted to be the Hexthorpe Gasworks. 356 00:22:04,160 --> 00:22:06,840 - Wait there, I'm coming round. - No. 357 00:22:06,840 --> 00:22:10,720 - "No"? - No, it's dangerous. I've got spots, I'm contagious. 358 00:22:10,720 --> 00:22:14,840 Ah! Oh, well... 359 00:22:14,840 --> 00:22:17,840 Not dead, just unhygienic. 360 00:22:21,280 --> 00:22:24,280 There's a window of opportunity for you here, Granville, 361 00:22:24,280 --> 00:22:27,320 until spots disappear. 362 00:22:27,320 --> 00:22:31,400 Oh, yes. Right, no, hang on, 363 00:22:31,400 --> 00:22:35,760 hang on, look, sorry, we've just got to get rid of that. 364 00:22:35,760 --> 00:22:39,280 You can't have that on your continental sausage. 365 00:22:39,280 --> 00:22:40,960 What is it? 366 00:22:40,960 --> 00:22:42,960 It's, it's... 367 00:22:42,960 --> 00:22:47,080 Hold on, there it is. It's the bratwurst beetle. 368 00:22:47,080 --> 00:22:50,120 There are terrible little breeders, they are. 369 00:22:50,120 --> 00:22:52,600 I mean, you get two of these together, 370 00:22:52,600 --> 00:22:56,120 and the next thing you know, you've got a colony. 371 00:22:56,120 --> 00:22:59,040 Hold on, there it is. Hold on, then it goes. 372 00:22:59,040 --> 00:23:01,320 You stay there. 373 00:23:01,320 --> 00:23:03,520 Get out. There he is. 374 00:23:03,520 --> 00:23:05,040 THUD 375 00:23:05,040 --> 00:23:08,600 That'll tie a knot in his prospects. 376 00:23:08,600 --> 00:23:13,040 As I was saying, Granville, a window of opportunity. 377 00:23:14,320 --> 00:23:16,880 Argh! 378 00:23:16,880 --> 00:23:19,160 Sorry, you were saying? 379 00:23:19,160 --> 00:23:21,760 Not now, can't stop, must fly! 380 00:23:23,280 --> 00:23:25,360 BELL RINGS 381 00:23:32,560 --> 00:23:35,480 - Who's got spots? - Seems like everyone. 382 00:23:35,480 --> 00:23:37,920 Did you know that Granville had spots? 383 00:23:37,920 --> 00:23:40,200 Just the one near his... 384 00:23:43,480 --> 00:23:45,360 PHONE RINGS 385 00:23:50,560 --> 00:23:55,840 - Hello? - IMITATING GERMAN ACCENT: Would this be the Herr Newbold mit 386 00:23:55,840 --> 00:23:57,960 whom I am speaking? 387 00:23:57,960 --> 00:23:59,840 This is Mr Newbold, yes. 388 00:23:59,840 --> 00:24:03,640 The one who Frau Featherstone calls Smoochy? 389 00:24:03,640 --> 00:24:06,560 I have never been called Smoochy. 390 00:24:06,560 --> 00:24:11,640 But also known as Foxy Fingers, ja? 391 00:24:11,640 --> 00:24:15,280 - Never. - Well, to business. 392 00:24:15,280 --> 00:24:20,160 We understand that you may have the number of Frau Featherstone. 393 00:24:20,160 --> 00:24:23,040 Oh, yes, I've got her number all right. 394 00:24:23,040 --> 00:24:26,440 You see, I'm speaking on behalf of the Monchengladbach 395 00:24:26,440 --> 00:24:30,400 over 60s Frauline Roxy Thong fan club. 396 00:24:32,400 --> 00:24:36,080 Ein question, Herr Newbold, does she still do the balloons? 397 00:24:36,080 --> 00:24:39,680 And would she do them for us one more time? 398 00:24:39,680 --> 00:24:45,360 I'm sorry, but I heff...have no connection with Frau Featherstone. 399 00:24:45,360 --> 00:24:50,760 But we are told that you are the lover of the former Roxy Thong. 400 00:24:50,760 --> 00:24:54,040 Oh! Those balloons! 401 00:24:54,040 --> 00:24:58,120 I can assure you that I'm not a lover of Frau Featherstone. 402 00:24:58,120 --> 00:25:03,000 Then I can only conclude that you have never seen the balloons. 403 00:25:03,000 --> 00:25:05,280 Forget the balloons. 404 00:25:05,280 --> 00:25:07,920 Believe me, I try. 405 00:25:07,920 --> 00:25:11,080 For many years I'm seeking to forget the balloons, 406 00:25:11,080 --> 00:25:13,840 but under my skin she gets. 407 00:25:13,840 --> 00:25:15,840 I'm sorry, but I can't help you. 408 00:25:15,840 --> 00:25:18,560 What I am saying is... 409 00:25:18,560 --> 00:25:21,240 help yourself. 410 00:25:21,240 --> 00:25:24,880 She was the toast of Europe. 411 00:25:24,880 --> 00:25:29,080 Are you telling me that the woman I know as Mrs Featherstone was once an 412 00:25:29,080 --> 00:25:32,760 exotic dancer who went by the name of... 413 00:25:32,760 --> 00:25:35,000 Miss Roxy Thong? 414 00:25:35,000 --> 00:25:38,840 Yup. So, who's the lucky boy, then? Ja, ja, ja! 415 00:25:38,840 --> 00:25:40,680 HE LAUGHS 416 00:25:48,960 --> 00:25:52,520 Will you get out of here? You'll get me sacked. 417 00:25:52,520 --> 00:25:55,320 I wanted you to know I'm suitable for vegetarians. 418 00:27:24,560 --> 00:27:27,800 I've come to mop your fevered brow. 419 00:27:34,200 --> 00:27:37,040 It's been a funny day. 420 00:27:38,480 --> 00:27:42,280 I had to let the banana go early. 421 00:27:42,280 --> 00:27:44,920 I hope he's not getting overripe. 422 00:27:47,520 --> 00:27:52,320 I was barely half a cheese slicer away from that Mavis 423 00:27:52,320 --> 00:27:55,200 when my instinct for avarice took over. 424 00:28:00,560 --> 00:28:06,960 Miss Roxy Thong, I wonder what she actually did with those balloons. 425 00:28:08,160 --> 00:28:10,880 Must have gone with a bang.