1
00:00:07,760 --> 00:00:10,080
You think they'll ever find dark matter?

2
00:00:12,680 --> 00:00:14,520
I didn't know they'd lost it.

3
00:00:17,040 --> 00:00:20,280
It's fundamental to understanding what the world is made of.

4
00:00:20,280 --> 00:00:23,600
I know what the world is made of.

5
00:00:23,600 --> 00:00:28,000
It's made of people walking about out there with my money.

6
00:00:28,000 --> 00:00:29,400
Your money?

7
00:00:29,400 --> 00:00:31,560
Well, it is once I get them in the shop.

8
00:00:34,560 --> 00:00:36,560
Morning, Mrs Hemstock.

9
00:00:36,560 --> 00:00:38,360
I'm not speaking to you.

10
00:00:38,360 --> 00:00:41,400
You sold my husband a right load of rubbish.

11
00:00:41,400 --> 00:00:44,640
Well, I couldn't resist it - you've broken his spirit.

12
00:00:47,400 --> 00:00:49,400
He'd buy anything, him.

13
00:00:54,640 --> 00:00:58,040
"Art exhibition." Hmm.

14
00:00:58,040 --> 00:01:00,880
- What are you entering?
- Me?
- Yeah.

15
00:01:00,880 --> 00:01:03,720
Oh, I shouldn't enter, you. You've got no chance.

16
00:01:03,720 --> 00:01:08,440
You know, I've often thought, "Who does Gastric remind me of?"

17
00:01:08,440 --> 00:01:10,400
And you know who it is?

18
00:01:10,400 --> 00:01:14,040
Picasso. Dead ringer.

19
00:01:14,040 --> 00:01:16,920
Say hello to Pablo.

20
00:01:16,920 --> 00:01:18,880
Oh, I can't paint.

21
00:01:18,880 --> 00:01:21,720
I mean, I could do a bedroom.

22
00:01:21,720 --> 00:01:26,360
Well, do something in metal, where your skills lie, hmm?

23
00:01:26,360 --> 00:01:30,880
Just think how you'd impress Madge if you did something artistic.

24
00:01:30,880 --> 00:01:33,120
HE BURPS

25
00:01:33,120 --> 00:01:35,440
Apart from that.

26
00:01:35,440 --> 00:01:40,120
I know - metal sculpture. Release your inner artist.

27
00:01:40,120 --> 00:01:42,160
You could be the next big thing.

28
00:01:42,160 --> 00:01:44,640
Madge says I am a big thing.

29
00:02:36,880 --> 00:02:40,240
Ah! Ah, ah!

30
00:02:40,240 --> 00:02:43,600
Ah. Eh, give me my...hand...back.

31
00:02:43,600 --> 00:02:45,200
Oh!

32
00:02:45,200 --> 00:02:47,840
Oh! Give it me back, will you?!

33
00:02:47,840 --> 00:02:52,440
That's it, now. You don't get any money at all.

34
00:02:52,440 --> 00:02:55,400
I think Arkwright's upset this morning.

35
00:02:55,400 --> 00:02:56,640
I think he got annoyed

36
00:02:56,640 --> 00:03:00,280
because I bought all that tinned stuff against his advice.

37
00:03:00,280 --> 00:03:02,240
Spoke to you about it, did he?

38
00:03:02,240 --> 00:03:05,920
No, but I can feel him t-tugging me by the back pocket.

39
00:03:06,960 --> 00:03:11,160
Oh, sacred back pocket, with his great wodge of notes.

40
00:03:11,160 --> 00:03:14,000
Yes, there's nothing more reassuring, you know,

41
00:03:14,000 --> 00:03:18,040
than a roll of paper money at body temperature.

42
00:03:18,040 --> 00:03:21,000
And he was right about that tinned stuff.

43
00:03:21,000 --> 00:03:24,120
Should have listened to your back pocket.

44
00:03:24,120 --> 00:03:26,760
- Are you asleep again?
- Hmm?

45
00:03:26,760 --> 00:03:30,760
It's not again, it's the same one from last night.

46
00:03:30,760 --> 00:03:35,440
Don't tell me you're dreaming about her at the library again, are you?

47
00:03:35,440 --> 00:03:37,640
She continues to ignore me.

48
00:03:37,640 --> 00:03:40,040
Tried everything within my budget.

49
00:03:40,040 --> 00:03:43,080
Did you give her your Tommy Cooper impression, hmm?

50
00:03:43,080 --> 00:03:45,360
Did it, got nowhere.

51
00:03:45,360 --> 00:03:48,120
- AS TOMMY COOPER:
- Just like that!

52
00:03:48,120 --> 00:03:50,200
Yeah, yeah, just like that.

53
00:03:57,400 --> 00:04:00,360
Didn't you wonder why this stuff was so cheap?

54
00:04:00,360 --> 00:04:02,760
I mean, are you even sure you know what's inside?

55
00:04:02,760 --> 00:04:05,240
Tinned food.

56
00:04:05,240 --> 00:04:07,960
There you are, see.

57
00:04:07,960 --> 00:04:11,160
What? It's all written in Chinese!

58
00:04:11,160 --> 00:04:14,040
How can you possibly know what's in it?

59
00:04:14,040 --> 00:04:15,800
Hmm?

60
00:04:17,440 --> 00:04:20,640
Ah, duck in plum sauce.

61
00:04:20,640 --> 00:04:22,000
You don't know that!

62
00:04:22,000 --> 00:04:24,160
Well, they don't know that either, do they?

63
00:04:24,160 --> 00:04:27,760
Yes, but they will when they open the tin and then fetch it back.

64
00:04:27,760 --> 00:04:32,240
Then we will refer them to the "no refund" policy

65
00:04:32,240 --> 00:04:34,880
clearly written on the outside of the tin.

66
00:04:43,400 --> 00:04:45,440
Why do I have to come at this hour?

67
00:04:45,440 --> 00:04:47,720
And why the back door?

68
00:04:47,720 --> 00:04:50,880
- Did anyone see you?
- No. Who's about at this hour?

69
00:04:52,680 --> 00:04:54,160
You're not dressed.

70
00:04:54,160 --> 00:04:56,240
Don't get excited.

71
00:04:56,240 --> 00:05:00,480
There's a nightdress under here you'd need a map to find your way through.

72
00:05:00,480 --> 00:05:03,600
- I'm not excited.
- No, I've noticed.

73
00:05:03,600 --> 00:05:08,000
We have to talk about your improper advances.

74
00:05:08,000 --> 00:05:09,840
I've made no improper advances.

75
00:05:09,840 --> 00:05:12,600
No, that's what I've noticed, and it's got to stop.

76
00:05:12,600 --> 00:05:16,240
You've brought me here at this hour to make improper advances?

77
00:05:16,240 --> 00:05:20,120
You can shelve that idea. I'm nobody's plaything.

78
00:05:20,120 --> 00:05:21,840
Then what's the urgency?

79
00:05:21,840 --> 00:05:25,760
Urgency - now, that is a good word, and it's time you showed some.

80
00:05:25,760 --> 00:05:28,920
How long have we been romantically coupled?

81
00:05:28,920 --> 00:05:31,760
Is that what it's called?

82
00:05:31,760 --> 00:05:36,720
- It seems like forever.
- Long enough for the gossip to begin arising.

83
00:05:36,720 --> 00:05:40,480
- Well, I've heard no gossip.
- Nor have I, and it's high time it began.

84
00:05:40,480 --> 00:05:44,760
I won't have people thinking we're doing nothing worth talking about.

85
00:05:44,760 --> 00:05:47,280
You want people to gossip about us?

86
00:05:47,280 --> 00:05:50,920
How do you think it looks if we're below their suspicions?

87
00:05:50,920 --> 00:05:54,440
No, it's time to upgrade your image, Mr Newbold.

88
00:05:54,440 --> 00:05:57,760
You are about to reach new heights of impishness.

89
00:05:57,760 --> 00:06:00,800
Dare we say saucy?

90
00:06:00,800 --> 00:06:03,200
It doesn't even sound like me.

91
00:06:03,200 --> 00:06:05,280
I wouldn't know where to begin.

92
00:06:05,280 --> 00:06:08,680
Well, you can park a motor car, you'll be fine.

93
00:06:08,680 --> 00:06:11,440
Now, I want you to leave.

94
00:06:13,360 --> 00:06:16,320
No, no, no. No, this time by the front door,

95
00:06:16,320 --> 00:06:20,120
making all the noise you like, and making sure someone sees you.

96
00:06:20,120 --> 00:06:23,560
- But won't they think...? 
- Won't they just?

97
00:06:23,560 --> 00:06:27,040
And it would help if you can manage to look smug.

98
00:06:27,040 --> 00:06:29,200
As if you've just climbed Everest.

99
00:06:29,200 --> 00:06:31,480
And without a guide.

100
00:06:31,480 --> 00:06:35,400
- There's never a Sherpa when you need one.
- Wait.

101
00:06:35,400 --> 00:06:38,840
Ah, ah, no, no, no - don't straighten it.

102
00:06:38,840 --> 00:06:41,160
That's it, we want the abandoned look.

103
00:06:41,160 --> 00:06:43,600
Smile, man. Off you go.

104
00:06:43,600 --> 00:06:46,240
Oh, you rakish devil, you.

105
00:06:54,640 --> 00:06:56,760
Good morning, Mr Newbold.

106
00:06:56,760 --> 00:06:59,920
- You're up bright and early?
- Early?

107
00:06:59,920 --> 00:07:04,680
- Yes, I admit to early.
- Are we to assume it's been a restless night?

108
00:07:04,680 --> 00:07:08,120
I slept like a log, as you do in your own bed.

109
00:07:08,120 --> 00:07:09,880
Naturally.

110
00:07:09,880 --> 00:07:11,640
I thought I recognised you.

111
00:07:11,640 --> 00:07:14,480
I thought, "That looks like Mr Newbold...

112
00:07:14,480 --> 00:07:17,400
"..just leaving Mrs Featherstone's."

113
00:07:17,400 --> 00:07:20,080
Oh, good heavens. Is that the time?

114
00:07:20,080 --> 00:07:22,440
You can read your watch in this light?

115
00:07:22,440 --> 00:07:25,080
You must have very keen eyes, Mr Newbold.

116
00:07:25,080 --> 00:07:28,320
There seems to be no shortage of keen eyes.

117
00:07:28,320 --> 00:07:30,280
Good day to you, Mrs Hussein.

118
00:07:30,280 --> 00:07:32,200
And to you, Mr Newbold.

119
00:07:43,720 --> 00:07:45,920
Go on, then. What is it?

120
00:07:45,920 --> 00:07:48,960
Oh, you tell me. I daren't explore further.

121
00:07:51,960 --> 00:07:54,200
Yes.

122
00:07:54,200 --> 00:07:58,680
A hint of exotic spices with, erm...

123
00:07:58,680 --> 00:08:02,040
..a cheeky tang of...

124
00:08:02,040 --> 00:08:04,320
..almost incense.

125
00:08:04,320 --> 00:08:06,640
Yeah, smells delicious.

126
00:08:07,680 --> 00:08:09,720
It smells like a blocked drain!

127
00:08:09,720 --> 00:08:12,800
Yes, but a mystical, eastern blocked drain.

128
00:08:14,040 --> 00:08:17,840
It's rare delicacies, isn't it? They like it strong.

129
00:08:17,840 --> 00:08:19,680
Strong?

130
00:08:19,680 --> 00:08:21,960
Oh, that's muscle-bound.

131
00:08:21,960 --> 00:08:25,360
Gourmets, right, they like more

132
00:08:25,360 --> 00:08:27,480
pong for their pound.

133
00:08:27,480 --> 00:08:29,920
Just pour it in there, let's have a look.

134
00:08:35,280 --> 00:08:37,120
Oh.

135
00:08:44,000 --> 00:08:45,560
Well?

136
00:08:45,560 --> 00:08:47,760
Goes well with chips.

137
00:08:56,200 --> 00:08:58,200
I just happened to be at the window.

138
00:08:58,200 --> 00:09:00,240
Again?

139
00:09:00,240 --> 00:09:02,400
You actually saw him leaving?

140
00:09:02,400 --> 00:09:04,280
I wouldn't say leaving.

141
00:09:04,280 --> 00:09:06,240
It were more like sneaking out.

142
00:09:06,240 --> 00:09:08,640
Should we be jumping to conclusions?

143
00:09:08,640 --> 00:09:10,240
Well, I don't see why not.

144
00:09:10,240 --> 00:09:12,760
This one's made for a jump.

145
00:09:12,760 --> 00:09:15,440
I must say, he did look a bit jumpy.

146
00:09:15,440 --> 00:09:18,040
Maybe he's not a morning person.

147
00:09:18,040 --> 00:09:20,520
Well, he doesn't do so badly at nights!

148
00:09:24,840 --> 00:09:26,920
Good morning, ladies.

149
00:09:28,000 --> 00:09:30,280
Am I interrupting something?

150
00:09:30,280 --> 00:09:33,640
- No.
- No.
- I only ask because it was suddenly

151
00:09:33,640 --> 00:09:36,080
so quiet you could hear a reputation drop.

152
00:09:37,680 --> 00:09:39,520
We were just talking about some...

153
00:09:39,520 --> 00:09:41,560
- Weather.
- The best way to Middlesbrough.

154
00:09:41,560 --> 00:09:44,320
- Him from Wilson Street that drives the bus.
- In any weather.

155
00:09:44,320 --> 00:09:46,040
But not to Middlesbrough.

156
00:09:47,520 --> 00:09:49,480
Mrs Hussein was just telling us...

157
00:09:49,480 --> 00:09:51,480
I wouldn't say telling!

158
00:09:51,480 --> 00:09:54,120
It were more like... What can I say?

159
00:09:54,120 --> 00:09:56,800
- Gossiping?
- That's a bit harsh.

160
00:09:56,800 --> 00:09:59,960
Where's the harm in a bit of mild gossip?

161
00:09:59,960 --> 00:10:02,320
Could one inquire whom it was about?

162
00:10:02,320 --> 00:10:05,200
- Her from number 24. 
- SAME TIME:
- Ian from Denby Street.

163
00:10:06,240 --> 00:10:08,240
Two for the price of one.

164
00:10:11,000 --> 00:10:14,480
Ah, now this one is different.

165
00:10:14,480 --> 00:10:16,360
Different what?

166
00:10:25,320 --> 00:10:28,520
Yeah, looks interesting.

167
00:10:28,520 --> 00:10:31,000
It looks unappetising.

168
00:10:31,000 --> 00:10:34,520
It just needs cooking, that's all.

169
00:10:34,520 --> 00:10:36,040
- Go on, then.
- Hmm?

170
00:10:36,040 --> 00:10:38,360
Read the cooking instructions.

171
00:10:40,040 --> 00:10:42,400
Well, using my best grocer's guess,

172
00:10:42,400 --> 00:10:46,720
I imagine it's probably this bit here that says something like...

173
00:10:46,720 --> 00:10:50,160
HE SPEAKS GIBBERISH

174
00:10:50,160 --> 00:10:53,640
..which means, "Just warm it up."

175
00:10:54,880 --> 00:10:57,320
They eat snakes, you know.

176
00:10:57,320 --> 00:10:59,920
Insects. They eat dogs.

177
00:11:01,080 --> 00:11:04,840
There's nothing in there to indicate that that is dog.

178
00:11:04,840 --> 00:11:07,240
Well, it's not going to bark, is it?

179
00:11:20,960 --> 00:11:25,000
Don't feel sorry for me. I hate that.

180
00:11:25,000 --> 00:11:28,920
- I prefer to keep smiling through pain.
- I don't feel sorry for you.

181
00:11:28,920 --> 00:11:31,640
OK. Let's step back a pace.

182
00:11:31,640 --> 00:11:33,480
Ignore my opening remarks.

183
00:11:33,480 --> 00:11:35,920
Go ahead - feel sorry for me.

184
00:11:35,920 --> 00:11:38,520
I saw you putting the damn thing on outside.

185
00:11:41,080 --> 00:11:43,920
In that case, I may have to turn around and leave.

186
00:11:59,960 --> 00:12:04,360
Now, they say that it was you who encouraged Gastric

187
00:12:04,360 --> 00:12:06,280
to do something artistic.

188
00:12:06,280 --> 00:12:10,240
Yes, I thought that he was underestimated.

189
00:12:10,240 --> 00:12:13,200
You know, creative-wise.

190
00:12:13,200 --> 00:12:16,400
- I just thought he were ready. 
- Not only him.

191
00:12:16,400 --> 00:12:18,120
You want ready, Granville?

192
00:12:18,120 --> 00:12:20,760
I'm on speed dial.

193
00:12:20,760 --> 00:12:25,560
Oh, right. Now, what-what-what could I help you with, Mrs Featherstone?

194
00:12:25,560 --> 00:12:28,560
Those long winter evenings.

195
00:12:28,560 --> 00:12:29,960
Yes, yes.

196
00:12:29,960 --> 00:12:33,040
Well, of course, that's a bad time for grocers, because we've got

197
00:12:33,040 --> 00:12:37,680
to dance with bells on our feet for, you know, the winter festivals.

198
00:12:37,680 --> 00:12:40,040
Yeah. Excuse me. Yes.

199
00:12:42,480 --> 00:12:46,240
And then, of course... And then, of... Ah, there... Yes.

200
00:12:46,240 --> 00:12:49,840
Of course, there is also the candlelit vigil

201
00:12:49,840 --> 00:12:52,760
in memory of p-pounds, shillings and pence.

202
00:12:52,760 --> 00:12:54,400
Do you need help, Granville?

203
00:12:54,400 --> 00:12:57,440
Help! Yes, yes, I do need help.

204
00:12:59,080 --> 00:13:03,440
Granville, I have a confession to make.

205
00:13:03,440 --> 00:13:06,920
You will be hearing stories about Mr Newbold.

206
00:13:06,920 --> 00:13:12,080
There is a rumour that he has been seen leaving my premises.

207
00:13:12,080 --> 00:13:14,880
In a hurry?

208
00:13:14,880 --> 00:13:16,880
No, not in a hurry!

209
00:13:16,880 --> 00:13:19,640
But outside respectable hours.

210
00:13:20,800 --> 00:13:22,200
Well, yes!

211
00:13:22,200 --> 00:13:24,160
HE LAUGH

212
00:13:24,160 --> 00:13:28,080
That's the way to go Mrs Featherstone, yes, yes.

213
00:13:28,080 --> 00:13:29,680
Seize the moment!

214
00:13:29,680 --> 00:13:32,040
I'm not seizing anything.

215
00:13:32,040 --> 00:13:37,160
But I wonder how long I can resist his increasing demands.

216
00:13:37,160 --> 00:13:40,160
If you were to hazard a guess, Granville, how long,

217
00:13:40,160 --> 00:13:43,320
do you think, before you came to my rescue?

218
00:13:43,320 --> 00:13:45,040
Well, I...

219
00:13:45,040 --> 00:13:46,720
Can I help you, Mrs Featherstone?

220
00:13:46,720 --> 00:13:48,880
- How's your leg?
- Fine.

221
00:13:48,880 --> 00:13:50,720
Well, it wasn't in the library.

222
00:13:50,720 --> 00:13:52,560
Oh, that. Yeah, no.

223
00:13:52,560 --> 00:13:55,000
I was just wearing it for a friend.

224
00:13:55,000 --> 00:13:56,760
Give him a breather.

225
00:13:59,800 --> 00:14:03,040
Newbold. Our Mr Newbold.

226
00:14:03,040 --> 00:14:06,360
The one we thought was interested only in foreign stamps.

227
00:14:06,360 --> 00:14:09,120
You think he was there all night?

228
00:14:09,120 --> 00:14:10,240
They say he was singing,

229
00:14:10,240 --> 00:14:12,960
whistling and doing little dance steps in the street.

230
00:14:12,960 --> 00:14:15,520
- He was there all night.
- Mmm.

231
00:14:15,520 --> 00:14:17,640
Yeah, you know what that means?

232
00:14:17,640 --> 00:14:20,360
It's just us now!

233
00:14:24,640 --> 00:14:29,560
Before we go in, be warned - this is just another one of his cons.

234
00:14:29,560 --> 00:14:31,400
We know that, we're prepared.

235
00:14:31,400 --> 00:14:33,360
We're one step in front of him.

236
00:14:41,520 --> 00:14:44,440
Have you got anything on necking?

237
00:14:44,440 --> 00:14:47,440
Outside. I'll see you outside.

238
00:14:53,520 --> 00:14:55,120
These are not for eating.

239
00:14:55,120 --> 00:14:58,920
These are for placing somewhere respectful in the home.

240
00:15:00,520 --> 00:15:01,960
And then what?

241
00:15:01,960 --> 00:15:06,000
It becomes a guiding spirit of the house.

242
00:15:06,000 --> 00:15:09,600
- What's inside it?
- Ah, sorry, have to be careful.

243
00:15:09,600 --> 00:15:13,880
Of course, the ingredients have to be kept secret in order to avoid

244
00:15:13,880 --> 00:15:18,280
people running amok with too much bliss.

245
00:15:18,280 --> 00:15:20,880
It advises caution on the label.

246
00:15:20,880 --> 00:15:23,360
You can't read t'label.

247
00:15:23,360 --> 00:15:26,280
If you place your finger on the label,

248
00:15:26,280 --> 00:15:29,080
the wonder of this little thing is

249
00:15:29,080 --> 00:15:32,520
it sends a translation straight to your brain.

250
00:15:43,480 --> 00:15:45,480
It's not working on me.

251
00:15:45,480 --> 00:15:49,360
All I know is that if you face the other way, you close your eyes

252
00:15:49,360 --> 00:15:53,560
and concentrate, put your hand on the top of the can,

253
00:15:53,560 --> 00:15:58,000
you'll feel these soft, gentle waves as they leave the can.

254
00:15:58,000 --> 00:16:02,400
So, look, I'm going to stand over there so, you know,

255
00:16:02,400 --> 00:16:05,600
I won't be able to interfere in any way.

256
00:16:06,760 --> 00:16:08,320
Right?

257
00:16:09,560 --> 00:16:12,040
All I can feel is the can.

258
00:16:12,040 --> 00:16:14,600
Cold, metal can.

259
00:16:22,000 --> 00:16:24,200
- What was that?
- Hmm?

260
00:16:24,200 --> 00:16:26,200
What was what?

261
00:16:26,200 --> 00:16:28,200
I...

262
00:16:29,680 --> 00:16:34,400
- What?
- I don't know how you did it, but you did it.

263
00:16:34,400 --> 00:16:37,240
Come on, we're out of here.

264
00:16:37,240 --> 00:16:40,480
Don't call us, we'll call you.

265
00:16:40,480 --> 00:16:43,520
They're only £4.50! Wait...

266
00:16:49,280 --> 00:16:52,000
You're an idiot. You can't keep doing this.

267
00:16:52,000 --> 00:16:55,040
Anybody but an idiot would know that. It's got to stop.

268
00:16:55,040 --> 00:16:56,400
I like your eyes.

269
00:16:56,400 --> 00:16:59,600
- Well, I don't like yours. 
- The left one's not bad.

270
00:16:59,600 --> 00:17:02,160
You're wasting your time - and mine.

271
00:17:02,160 --> 00:17:04,160
I'm in a relationship.

272
00:17:04,160 --> 00:17:06,440
Then it's lucky I found you just in time.

273
00:17:08,280 --> 00:17:10,360
- I bet he eats meat.
- He doesn't!

274
00:17:10,360 --> 00:17:13,440
Behind your back, I bet he eats meat.

275
00:17:13,440 --> 00:17:15,640
Oh, dear. What happened to you?

276
00:17:15,640 --> 00:17:17,800
I collided with a vegan.

277
00:17:17,800 --> 00:17:19,720
It hurts more than she thinks.

278
00:17:26,120 --> 00:17:29,560
- You look like you've lost 50p. 
- I've lost more than that.

279
00:17:30,640 --> 00:17:33,080
I think I've lost my mojo.

280
00:17:33,080 --> 00:17:36,440
Do you know, I had Eric and Cyril like that,

281
00:17:36,440 --> 00:17:39,200
and then I let them walk away!

282
00:17:39,200 --> 00:17:40,760
I'm not surprised.

283
00:17:40,760 --> 00:17:44,160
I've heard your stories. You can't get away with it every time.

284
00:17:44,160 --> 00:17:46,680
I feel like the naked grocer.

285
00:17:46,680 --> 00:17:48,160
And that's another thing.

286
00:17:48,160 --> 00:17:50,880
I wish you'd stop with your insect stories.

287
00:17:50,880 --> 00:17:55,360
You invent these bugs and beetles. You make people feel itchy.

288
00:17:55,360 --> 00:17:57,200
You make me feel itchy.

289
00:17:57,200 --> 00:18:00,040
Well, you've got to sound convincing, haven't you?

290
00:18:00,040 --> 00:18:02,040
You convinced Mrs Harris yesterday.

291
00:18:02,040 --> 00:18:03,600
Oh, yes!

292
00:18:03,600 --> 00:18:06,200
With the old underwear mites.

293
00:18:07,680 --> 00:18:10,200
Oh, she really went for that one, didn't she?

294
00:18:10,200 --> 00:18:11,840
When she left the shop, she was

295
00:18:11,840 --> 00:18:13,560
acting like she'd got fleas.

296
00:18:22,680 --> 00:18:26,240
- What if they won't let us in? 
- We pour on the charm.

297
00:18:26,240 --> 00:18:27,960
You pour, I'll just stand here.

298
00:18:27,960 --> 00:18:30,360
Failing that, we'll just elbow our way in.

299
00:18:32,400 --> 00:18:34,080
I feel like we're intruding.

300
00:18:34,080 --> 00:18:36,200
We are intruding. Get used to it.

301
00:18:43,600 --> 00:18:45,200
Oh, hello, Gastric.

302
00:18:45,200 --> 00:18:46,840
What do you want?

303
00:18:46,840 --> 00:18:49,320
A nicer welcome would be something.

304
00:18:49,320 --> 00:18:53,160
We were just wondering how it's going, your exhibition thing.

305
00:18:53,160 --> 00:18:57,680
I'm finding it hard. It's a constant battle between doubt and certainty.

306
00:19:01,520 --> 00:19:04,760
Of course, working in three dimensions is exciting.

307
00:19:05,960 --> 00:19:08,120
I feel I've grown.

308
00:19:08,120 --> 00:19:09,880
It's been a journey.

309
00:19:09,880 --> 00:19:11,880
An adventure.

310
00:19:11,880 --> 00:19:15,080
Dare I say a kind of spiritual experience.

311
00:19:22,360 --> 00:19:24,440
Get him.

312
00:19:31,520 --> 00:19:33,840
Granville, do you know what Gastric is up to?

313
00:19:33,840 --> 00:19:36,520
Excuse me, ladies, a bit of chemical warfare, here.

314
00:19:36,520 --> 00:19:40,000
I'm not sure we want to come in if you've got a creepy-crawly problem.

315
00:19:40,000 --> 00:19:42,520
I do apologise. I'm sorry. I'm sure it's nothing.

316
00:19:42,520 --> 00:19:46,320
It's just that there is a rumour that they... Excuse me...

317
00:19:46,320 --> 00:19:48,400
..they're in the area. Oh!

318
00:19:48,400 --> 00:19:52,280
Personally, I think it's just a rumour, but...

319
00:19:52,280 --> 00:19:55,560
..for which I don't think there's any real... Ooh.

320
00:19:55,560 --> 00:19:57,280
..there's any real foundation.

321
00:19:57,280 --> 00:20:00,640
But the problem is... you can't be too sure,

322
00:20:00,640 --> 00:20:03,680
because they're so small, you see, you can't see them.

323
00:20:03,680 --> 00:20:07,040
What is this thing that you, erm, that you can't see?

324
00:20:07,040 --> 00:20:10,320
Oh, Microbius itchicanus, yeah.

325
00:20:10,320 --> 00:20:13,640
You'll probably know it better as the itchy bug.

326
00:20:13,640 --> 00:20:17,640
If you can't see it, how do you know if you've got it?

327
00:20:17,640 --> 00:20:19,840
- Oh! Ah.
- That's it.

328
00:20:19,840 --> 00:20:23,440
That's how you know. Just like... I'm glad you asked that.

329
00:20:23,440 --> 00:20:27,320
In fact, I'm glad about a lot of things about you.

330
00:20:27,320 --> 00:20:32,240
- Oh, you'll make me blush.
- Save it for later, you'll probably need it.

331
00:20:32,240 --> 00:20:34,800
Come on, let's go, give them a bit of privacy.

332
00:20:34,800 --> 00:20:36,480
OK, yes, off you go, ladies,

333
00:20:36,480 --> 00:20:39,320
but don't forget to just warn the people out there

334
00:20:39,320 --> 00:20:42,160
about the itchy bug, because they do say, you know,

335
00:20:42,160 --> 00:20:45,800
that Mrs Lewis has come out in a load of bumps.

336
00:20:45,800 --> 00:20:47,760
Well, if you want the word spreading,

337
00:20:47,760 --> 00:20:49,440
I'm sure I can be of assistance.

338
00:20:49,440 --> 00:20:52,040
- She's not kidding.
- Huh.

339
00:20:52,040 --> 00:20:54,640
But Mrs Lewis seemed all right yesterday.

340
00:20:54,640 --> 00:20:57,560
Well, I spoke to Mr Lewis, and he said

341
00:20:57,560 --> 00:21:00,320
it was such a long time since he looked.

342
00:21:00,320 --> 00:21:02,560
He could phone a friend.

343
00:21:02,560 --> 00:21:05,360
Oh, yes.

344
00:21:05,360 --> 00:21:09,240
Tell them there's no need to panic, because we have the solution.

345
00:21:15,000 --> 00:21:18,800
Yes... Are you sure there's no need to panic?

346
00:21:18,800 --> 00:21:21,360
I can't promise that now we're alone.

347
00:21:23,240 --> 00:21:27,560
- But anyway, there's no itchy bug, I just made it up.
- Good.

348
00:21:27,560 --> 00:21:30,560
So, can you stop them itching now?

349
00:21:39,200 --> 00:21:41,760
DOOR CRASHES OPEN

350
00:21:41,760 --> 00:21:45,440
Phwoar! It's heavy. That's it, that's it.

351
00:21:45,440 --> 00:21:49,480
Bring it in, why don't you? What is it? Your Mini?

352
00:21:49,480 --> 00:21:53,240
I want your honest opinion...unless you don't like it.

353
00:21:53,240 --> 00:21:55,480
I thought you were using Madge as your inspiration.

354
00:21:55,480 --> 00:21:58,760
I was, but it came out too frightening.

355
00:21:58,760 --> 00:22:01,440
I thought you'd be doing something that would fit on a shelf.

356
00:22:01,440 --> 00:22:02,960
Well, it started that way,

357
00:22:02,960 --> 00:22:06,200
but you have to go where the impulse takes you.

358
00:22:06,200 --> 00:22:10,360
Yes. They arrested him from Berwick Street for doing that.

359
00:22:12,240 --> 00:22:15,800
All right, then. Come on, get this cloth off, let's have a look at it.

360
00:22:15,800 --> 00:22:18,360
No, no. Not there.

361
00:22:18,360 --> 00:22:20,000
The light's wrong there.

362
00:22:22,080 --> 00:22:24,880
Excuse us for being such peasants.

363
00:22:24,880 --> 00:22:26,280
I won't have it diminished

364
00:22:26,280 --> 00:22:29,640
because he's too cheap to have proper lighting.

365
00:22:29,640 --> 00:22:32,840
I think your next bill has just gone up.

366
00:22:32,840 --> 00:22:35,880
I want it to make maximum impact.

367
00:22:35,880 --> 00:22:40,520
Impact?! You nearly knocked the door off its hinges just now.

368
00:22:40,520 --> 00:22:43,000
It offends me to see it on the floor.

369
00:22:43,000 --> 00:22:47,960
It requires height, space...

370
00:22:47,960 --> 00:22:52,440
..the right eye-line. Here, let's get it up here.

371
00:22:52,440 --> 00:22:55,880
Get it up. That's it. Now, be careful.

372
00:22:55,880 --> 00:22:59,760
It might be just an object to you, but I can feel its pain.

373
00:22:59,760 --> 00:23:02,880
Just watch my polished surfaces, will you?

374
00:23:05,120 --> 00:23:07,800
There, that's better.

375
00:23:07,800 --> 00:23:11,000
- It's a peculiar shape.
- Eh?

376
00:23:11,000 --> 00:23:15,240
If he's going to insult my work, I'll take it elsewhere.

377
00:23:15,240 --> 00:23:17,720
And to think I used to know you when you were liveable-with.

378
00:23:17,720 --> 00:23:20,560
It's like giving birth!

379
00:23:20,560 --> 00:23:25,320
You know? I mean, there's a bond here.

380
00:23:25,320 --> 00:23:27,880
Now, just calm down, right, will you?

381
00:23:27,880 --> 00:23:30,240
This is emotional for me.

382
00:23:30,240 --> 00:23:34,000
I'm exposing layers of sensitivity here.

383
00:23:34,000 --> 00:23:35,920
Get on with it.

384
00:23:35,920 --> 00:23:39,360
Now, I don't mind informed criticism, but just remember,

385
00:23:39,360 --> 00:23:42,120
if you don't like it, just keep your mouths shut!

386
00:23:43,600 --> 00:23:45,480
- Are you ready?
- Ready?

387
00:23:45,480 --> 00:23:48,200
We've been ready since you come banging through our front door.

388
00:23:48,200 --> 00:23:50,000
Now, come on.

389
00:23:56,520 --> 00:23:58,560
That's terrific, that, Gastric.

390
00:23:58,560 --> 00:24:01,080
That's sensational. That is just right.

391
00:24:02,080 --> 00:24:04,360
You'll see where I'm coming from.

392
00:24:04,360 --> 00:24:08,000
I made the decision early on to drop narrow representation

393
00:24:08,000 --> 00:24:11,760
of form for a more fluid impressionism.

394
00:24:11,760 --> 00:24:13,440
Can you believe this?

395
00:24:13,440 --> 00:24:16,680
Yeah. Yeah, you leave him alone, you.

396
00:24:16,680 --> 00:24:19,520
Him - he's my favourite artist.

397
00:24:28,480 --> 00:24:31,200
- That's nice.
- I'm not sure.

398
00:24:55,960 --> 00:24:59,120
Lord help us all if that's in the area.

399
00:24:59,120 --> 00:25:01,240
Or even closer.

400
00:25:01,240 --> 00:25:03,240
It's got nice eyes.

401
00:25:03,240 --> 00:25:05,960
Just imagine that crawling about your nerve ends.

402
00:25:05,960 --> 00:25:08,280
I'd rather not, if you don't mind.

403
00:25:08,280 --> 00:25:09,800
It's very shiny.

404
00:25:09,800 --> 00:25:11,840
You'd think you could see them!

405
00:25:18,560 --> 00:25:21,560
Oh, I hate it.

406
00:25:21,560 --> 00:25:23,320
- I rather like it.
- No, you don't.

407
00:25:23,320 --> 00:25:25,240
It's not your kind of thing at all.

408
00:25:26,560 --> 00:25:29,160
I wish you'd stop that, it's making me feel itchy.

409
00:25:29,160 --> 00:25:31,200
It's ever since I saw that damn bug.

410
00:25:31,200 --> 00:25:34,040
Oh, don't scratch there, it looks rude!

411
00:25:34,040 --> 00:25:36,360
- But that's where it's itchy. 
- When you're with me

412
00:25:36,360 --> 00:25:40,120
and in public, you will scratch where it is acceptable to scratch.

413
00:25:44,480 --> 00:25:47,800
Oh, got an itch? There you are, madam, that'll cure it for you.

414
00:25:47,800 --> 00:25:53,040
£4.50. Thank you. Oh, thank you, yes, yes. There you are.

415
00:25:53,040 --> 00:25:55,640
No problems at all, keep you happy, that will.

416
00:25:57,720 --> 00:26:02,960
Death ray? You told us it was improving relations in the home.

417
00:26:02,960 --> 00:26:06,880
Harmony vessels, you said. You spoke of bringing bliss.

418
00:26:06,880 --> 00:26:11,240
Which we took to include a full range of activities.

419
00:26:11,240 --> 00:26:14,840
Without which, bliss, we thought, would be largely theoretical.

420
00:26:14,840 --> 00:26:19,520
A merely notional concept. Difficult to evaluate.

421
00:26:19,520 --> 00:26:21,360
It does all of that -

422
00:26:21,360 --> 00:26:24,360
death rays and bliss.

423
00:26:24,360 --> 00:26:26,920
Now, you see, the thing is that when you're

424
00:26:26,920 --> 00:26:29,520
interested in a little frolic,

425
00:26:29,520 --> 00:26:33,920
the last thing that you want is an attack from the itchy bug.

426
00:26:35,080 --> 00:26:40,320
Now, this little marvel will not only improve your frolic, right,

427
00:26:40,320 --> 00:26:44,800
but it'll make sure that you are kept free from the itchy bug.

428
00:26:46,400 --> 00:26:49,600
Now, the world has been waiting for that, hasn't it?

429
00:26:53,200 --> 00:26:57,280
Thank you. There you are. One for you, sir? Yes, off you go.

430
00:27:02,800 --> 00:27:07,360
I suppose some might find the emotional value excessive,

431
00:27:07,360 --> 00:27:12,040
but for me they make a statement about the purity of the metal.

432
00:27:30,160 --> 00:27:32,080
What is this doing in our bed?

433
00:27:34,160 --> 00:27:37,000
It won't do any harm down by your feet.

434
00:27:37,000 --> 00:27:40,520
Eric, I am not sleeping with a can in our bed.

435
00:27:40,520 --> 00:27:44,280
This sends out waves of harmony.

436
00:27:44,280 --> 00:27:46,720
Wave it goodbye, Eric.

437
00:27:46,720 --> 00:27:48,480
All right.

438
00:27:48,480 --> 00:27:51,200
But don't blame me if you don't achieve bliss.

439
00:27:51,200 --> 00:27:52,680
MOUTHS

440
00:27:57,440 --> 00:28:01,920
I wonder if Gastric will get to talking normal.

441
00:28:03,320 --> 00:28:07,280
That Mavis looks well in her shorty nightie.

442
00:28:08,680 --> 00:28:10,680
I've never seen her in one,

443
00:28:10,680 --> 00:28:13,600
but call it grocer's intuition.

444
00:28:17,760 --> 00:28:22,720
It's amazing how people can be talked into feeling itchy.

445
00:28:22,720 --> 00:28:24,480
HE CHUCKLES