1
00:00:05,960 --> 00:00:09,960
I always think how well you look, hatless amid the broccoli.

2
00:00:09,960 --> 00:00:12,440
It's mainly cabbage.

3
00:00:12,440 --> 00:00:15,920
I don't think that seriously modifies my observation.

4
00:00:15,920 --> 00:00:18,640
Is he attending to you, Mrs Hussein?

5
00:00:18,640 --> 00:00:20,200
Not as well as I'd like.

6
00:00:21,320 --> 00:00:23,360
Well, she comes right out with it.

7
00:00:23,360 --> 00:00:27,040
Could I point out that this is only a starter sample

8
00:00:27,040 --> 00:00:29,120
of the options available?

9
00:00:48,880 --> 00:00:50,840
LEROY YAWNS

10
00:00:55,760 --> 00:01:01,600
I'm not giving the till any money this morning, so if it's listening,

11
00:01:01,600 --> 00:01:06,280
it should understand that I'm merely walking past,

12
00:01:06,280 --> 00:01:09,840
on my way to another errand entirely.

13
00:01:18,560 --> 00:01:19,920
Ah!

14
00:01:23,440 --> 00:01:26,200
GRANVILLE CHUCKLES Gotcha! In you go.

15
00:01:26,200 --> 00:01:27,800
Right, I...

16
00:01:27,800 --> 00:01:29,400
I said, "In you go".

17
00:01:31,960 --> 00:01:34,600
In you...

18
00:01:34,600 --> 00:01:35,960
In!

19
00:01:38,680 --> 00:01:40,520
This till has got to be retired.

20
00:01:40,520 --> 00:01:42,120
Ow!

21
00:01:48,320 --> 00:01:51,160
Serves you right. You should get a new one.

22
00:01:51,160 --> 00:01:55,440
Your Great Uncle Arkwright is living in there somewhere.

23
00:01:55,440 --> 00:01:56,720
It's just a till!

24
00:01:59,440 --> 00:02:01,280
GRANVILLE COUGHS

25
00:02:01,280 --> 00:02:03,440
And to think you only used to believe in money.

26
00:02:03,440 --> 00:02:08,560
The spirit of the till will not reveal itself to you because...

27
00:02:08,560 --> 00:02:10,080
GRANVILLE COUGHS

28
00:02:10,080 --> 00:02:12,000
..you're young, and you think you know it all.

29
00:02:13,440 --> 00:02:17,520
Right, what am I having for me breakfast?

30
00:02:17,520 --> 00:02:20,040
Gastric, YOU are supposed to tell US.

31
00:02:20,040 --> 00:02:23,840
Not round here. He sells you stuff he wants to get rid of.

32
00:02:29,680 --> 00:02:31,200
Good morning, Gastric.

33
00:02:31,200 --> 00:02:33,240
- Morning. 
- Look at this.

34
00:02:33,240 --> 00:02:35,680
Fresh kippers, there, look. A gentleman's breakfast.

35
00:02:35,680 --> 00:02:39,120
- And that is fresh from the smokery. 
- You see?

36
00:02:39,120 --> 00:02:40,760
I'll take a pair.

37
00:02:41,920 --> 00:02:45,160
I can pick the bones out me teeth while I'm pondering.

38
00:02:45,160 --> 00:02:47,200
Deep thoughts?

39
00:02:47,200 --> 00:02:50,120
Why not? Did you think I were thick?

40
00:02:52,520 --> 00:02:54,560
Never. Not once.

41
00:02:54,560 --> 00:02:57,120
Even when you thought Colchester were a lung infection.

42
00:02:57,120 --> 00:03:00,120
Colchester. I'm told me Uncle Willie had it.

43
00:03:00,120 --> 00:03:01,880
- Did he get better? 
- No.

44
00:03:01,880 --> 00:03:03,480
Well, he probably DID have it, then.

45
00:03:03,480 --> 00:03:06,040
I'll tell you what I've got - problems with that Madge.

46
00:03:06,040 --> 00:03:07,760
I'm at a crossroads.

47
00:03:07,760 --> 00:03:11,800
- I'm in the dark.
- Well, I think we can help you with that.

48
00:03:11,800 --> 00:03:14,560
Well, why would you bother? I've already bought two kippers.

49
00:03:14,560 --> 00:03:18,280
Gastric, everything's not about money.

50
00:03:22,440 --> 00:03:26,800
You bring your problems in here, you know, and I like that.

51
00:03:26,800 --> 00:03:29,080
You feel you're in the dark? Right.

52
00:03:30,080 --> 00:03:33,560
- We have the answer.
- I'm listening. 
- Here it is.

53
00:03:33,560 --> 00:03:38,520
One solid steel all-weather torch with a wrist strap

54
00:03:38,520 --> 00:03:43,680
with flashing capabilities for emergencies, batteries not included.

55
00:03:43,680 --> 00:03:45,560
Thank you. Right.

56
00:03:47,440 --> 00:03:49,560
Are you sure this butter's fresh?

57
00:03:49,560 --> 00:03:51,240
Mm?

58
00:03:51,240 --> 00:03:52,600
GRANVILLE SIGHS

59
00:03:57,320 --> 00:03:59,840
Yes, it's perfectly fresh.

60
00:03:59,840 --> 00:04:01,120
Oh.

61
00:04:03,240 --> 00:04:05,120
There was poor Gastric,

62
00:04:05,120 --> 00:04:07,240
looking for a bit of sympathy, and what does he get?

63
00:04:07,240 --> 00:04:08,920
A flashlight.

64
00:04:08,920 --> 00:04:11,640
The man said he were in a dark place.

65
00:04:11,640 --> 00:04:15,120
Mentally! It's Madge. He's worried she might be leaving.

66
00:04:15,120 --> 00:04:18,440
I'm worried she might be leaving if she's taking Mavis with her.

67
00:04:19,800 --> 00:04:22,960
He's concerned that he's getting nowhere with Madge.

68
00:04:22,960 --> 00:04:25,880
Well, he should take her out more often, shouldn't he, eh?

69
00:04:27,040 --> 00:04:31,800
Can you name one single night when he's ever taken her out?

70
00:04:31,800 --> 00:04:33,760
Eh? No!

71
00:04:33,760 --> 00:04:37,280
Well, he's got no excuse now, because he got a torch!

72
00:04:40,120 --> 00:04:41,640
And do you know what you said to me?

73
00:04:42,640 --> 00:04:44,600
"The bathroom needs new tiles."

74
00:04:44,600 --> 00:04:46,800
Is that so terrible?

75
00:04:46,800 --> 00:04:48,720
I was trying to kiss you at the time!

76
00:04:49,880 --> 00:04:54,560
I had both hands full with your dinner. You pick a hell of a time.

77
00:04:54,560 --> 00:04:57,240
In days gone by, you would have put down the plates.

78
00:04:57,240 --> 00:04:59,680
Today, I'm just part of the furniture.

79
00:04:59,680 --> 00:05:01,680
If you're sulking because of how long it is since

80
00:05:01,680 --> 00:05:03,600
you've had a polish, then you can forget it!

81
00:05:06,080 --> 00:05:08,600
You used to look at me, and it was like...

82
00:05:08,600 --> 00:05:10,920
..a light bulb going on.

83
00:05:10,920 --> 00:05:12,800
I'm talking 200 watts.

84
00:05:12,800 --> 00:05:14,960
Are we going into town or aren't we?

85
00:05:14,960 --> 00:05:16,640
Nowadays, I'm lucky if I get 40.

86
00:05:18,160 --> 00:05:21,120
I mean, how much excitement can you get from 40 watts?

87
00:05:21,120 --> 00:05:23,720
Stop bragging. You peak at 30.

88
00:05:28,920 --> 00:05:32,080
Go for it. Up your game, now.

89
00:05:32,080 --> 00:05:33,720
Invite her out.

90
00:05:33,720 --> 00:05:35,200
Tonight.

91
00:05:35,200 --> 00:05:38,120
To be honest, I have trouble getting past, "Hello, Madge".

92
00:05:38,120 --> 00:05:40,880
I'm OK as far as, "Hello, Madge".

93
00:05:40,880 --> 00:05:42,840
- Do you want me to come with you? 
- Yes.

94
00:05:42,840 --> 00:05:46,120
No. He's got to do this.

95
00:05:46,120 --> 00:05:48,560
Tell her you want to take her somewhere nice.

96
00:05:48,560 --> 00:05:51,880
A little token of appreciation for all of the...

97
00:05:51,880 --> 00:05:54,640
- Ferocious rollickings she gives him. 
- Mm.

98
00:05:54,640 --> 00:05:57,040
It gets so you nearly enjoy it.

99
00:05:57,040 --> 00:06:00,080
It's like being wrapped in warm nettles.

100
00:06:03,240 --> 00:06:05,400
Tell her we're all going out posh tonight,

101
00:06:05,400 --> 00:06:07,000
and you want to take her with us.

102
00:06:07,000 --> 00:06:09,960
Does that come straight after "Hello, Madge," or do I have to...?

103
00:06:09,960 --> 00:06:13,600
Just...will you go?!

104
00:06:13,600 --> 00:06:15,600
And how is Mrs Roper?

105
00:06:15,600 --> 00:06:17,480
Oh, it's our 40th next month.

106
00:06:17,480 --> 00:06:20,360
Oh, you must be getting used to each other by now, then.

107
00:06:20,360 --> 00:06:23,160
People ask me, "What's the secret?" And I say, "It's simple.

108
00:06:23,160 --> 00:06:25,080
"The man has to be in charge."

109
00:06:25,080 --> 00:06:27,320
Oh!

110
00:06:27,320 --> 00:06:28,920
Is Mrs Roper aware of that?

111
00:06:28,920 --> 00:06:31,760
Oh, you don't tell her. You go about it crafty.

112
00:06:31,760 --> 00:06:33,520
And you might, if you're really cunning,

113
00:06:33,520 --> 00:06:36,440
go as far as letting her think that SHE'S in charge.

114
00:06:36,440 --> 00:06:39,840
Well, you seem to have pulled that one off, Mr Roper.

115
00:06:39,840 --> 00:06:41,600
Well, is there anything else?

116
00:06:41,600 --> 00:06:43,320
No, no, you're fine.

117
00:06:43,320 --> 00:06:45,840
You don't get to 40 years without learning a few tricks.

118
00:06:45,840 --> 00:06:48,400
No, that's true.

119
00:06:48,400 --> 00:06:50,760
Oh, that'll be £5 for the kippers then, please.

120
00:06:54,800 --> 00:06:59,000
Oh, thank you. Right.

121
00:06:59,000 --> 00:07:01,320
Did Mrs Roper get her torch?

122
00:07:01,320 --> 00:07:05,480
- Torch?
- Yes, last time she was in, she said she wanted a torch

123
00:07:05,480 --> 00:07:09,280
for emergencies, and, well, I hadn't got one in at the time.

124
00:07:09,280 --> 00:07:11,920
Emergencies? I handle the emergencies.

125
00:07:11,920 --> 00:07:15,720
She probably thinks that you've noticed that she needs a torch

126
00:07:15,720 --> 00:07:19,280
for emergencies. I mean, you being, you know, in charge.

127
00:07:19,280 --> 00:07:22,160
Yeah, that's true. She relies on me.

128
00:07:22,160 --> 00:07:23,600
Of course.

129
00:07:23,600 --> 00:07:26,360
Well, after 40 years, I expect you get like that, don't you?

130
00:07:26,360 --> 00:07:29,080
You know, practically knowing each other's thoughts.

131
00:07:29,080 --> 00:07:30,200
Yes, you do.

132
00:07:31,880 --> 00:07:33,280
Have you got a torch in now?

133
00:07:33,280 --> 00:07:35,880
Funnily enough, I got some in specially, yes.

134
00:07:35,880 --> 00:07:40,040
There you are. That's a solid steel all-weather torch with a wrist strap

135
00:07:40,040 --> 00:07:43,720
and flashing capabilities for emergencies, batteries not included.

136
00:07:44,960 --> 00:07:47,240
- I'd better take one. 
- Decisions - I like that.

137
00:07:47,240 --> 00:07:49,560
I like that - shows that you're in charge.

138
00:07:49,560 --> 00:07:53,560
Right, so that's £15 for the torch, £5 for the kippers -

139
00:07:53,560 --> 00:07:55,240
that's exactly £20.

140
00:07:55,240 --> 00:07:57,600
Well done. You just owe me for the batteries.

141
00:07:57,600 --> 00:08:00,000
GRANVILLE HUMS

142
00:08:05,080 --> 00:08:08,440
You two really are twitchy.

143
00:08:08,440 --> 00:08:12,080
Have you thought about Doctor Proctor's nerve tonic?

144
00:08:12,080 --> 00:08:13,960
No!

145
00:08:13,960 --> 00:08:18,520
Hey, this is too serious. We're not buying any rubbish.

146
00:08:18,520 --> 00:08:20,640
Oh, that IS serious.

147
00:08:20,640 --> 00:08:22,840
Be gentle with us. Go easy for once.

148
00:08:22,840 --> 00:08:26,720
You sold us an ice cream, we only came in for advice.

149
00:08:26,720 --> 00:08:28,680
It's no good appealing to his better nature.

150
00:08:29,880 --> 00:08:32,160
He's never known the perils of matrimony.

151
00:08:32,160 --> 00:08:33,920
GRANVILLE CHUCKLES What?

152
00:08:33,920 --> 00:08:36,720
You two only have to deal with one housewife.

153
00:08:36,720 --> 00:08:41,160
Me, I have to deal with at least 20 housewives a day.

154
00:08:41,160 --> 00:08:45,880
If you want any advice about how to handle wives,

155
00:08:45,880 --> 00:08:47,920
you have come to the right place.

156
00:08:49,200 --> 00:08:51,120
- We're listening. 
- But, hey...

157
00:08:52,840 --> 00:08:54,560
..no Doctor Proctor's, eh?

158
00:08:54,560 --> 00:09:00,000
The trouble is, with you two, your wives are taking you for granted.

159
00:09:01,480 --> 00:09:05,360
Now, they wouldn't do if they thought that

160
00:09:05,360 --> 00:09:07,200
you were seeing another woman.

161
00:09:09,880 --> 00:09:11,200
- BOTH:
- She'd kill him!

162
00:09:13,480 --> 00:09:16,480
I don't mean a real other woman.

163
00:09:16,480 --> 00:09:19,720
What I mean is, you get a friend of yours to put on a wig,

164
00:09:19,720 --> 00:09:21,680
and just dress up a bit.

165
00:09:22,720 --> 00:09:27,880
- That's a big bit!
- Where do we find somebody as loopy as that?

166
00:09:33,720 --> 00:09:34,960
Uh-uh!

167
00:09:35,920 --> 00:09:39,640
Then, I'm sorry, gentlemen, we do not carry one in stock.

168
00:09:39,640 --> 00:09:43,520
You're just going to have to look up your long list of acquaintances.

169
00:09:43,520 --> 00:09:44,840
Thank you.

170
00:09:49,840 --> 00:09:51,040
- BOTH:
- Newbold!

171
00:10:03,640 --> 00:10:05,320
Oh, is he not in?

172
00:10:06,840 --> 00:10:09,440
Duty calls him elsewhere at the moment, Mrs Featherstone.

173
00:10:09,440 --> 00:10:11,160
Can I be of assistance?

174
00:10:11,160 --> 00:10:13,680
Are you qualified for the mature person?

175
00:10:13,680 --> 00:10:16,680
You always make me feel as if I'm involved with a toy boy.

176
00:10:18,200 --> 00:10:21,040
I didn't mean, "Can I be of that much assistance?"

177
00:10:21,040 --> 00:10:24,600
I've never been happy disclosing my needs to persons of your generation.

178
00:10:24,600 --> 00:10:25,880
You're always very polite,

179
00:10:25,880 --> 00:10:28,120
but God knows what you get up to on the internet.

180
00:10:29,800 --> 00:10:32,800
Is there any specific reason you don't like me attending to you?

181
00:10:32,800 --> 00:10:35,440
I have seen you covered in trollop,

182
00:10:35,440 --> 00:10:37,440
up to your eyebrows in trainee hussies.

183
00:10:38,640 --> 00:10:40,680
Not recently, Mrs Featherstone.

184
00:10:40,680 --> 00:10:42,640
I'm chasing a vegan.

185
00:10:42,640 --> 00:10:44,280
Are there any left?

186
00:10:46,240 --> 00:10:49,040
You could do worse than model yourself on Mr Newbold.

187
00:10:49,040 --> 00:10:52,040
He is a man of impeccable self-restraint.

188
00:10:53,040 --> 00:10:54,520
Damn near soporific.

189
00:10:56,200 --> 00:10:57,520
Don't be shy of asking me.

190
00:10:57,520 --> 00:10:59,880
What are friends for? What can I do for you?

191
00:11:03,160 --> 00:11:06,400
- Tell him. 
- I'm telling him!

192
00:11:06,400 --> 00:11:08,200
I'm choosing the words.

193
00:11:11,680 --> 00:11:13,880
What if...

194
00:11:13,880 --> 00:11:17,440
our wives got the idea that we were showing an interest

195
00:11:17,440 --> 00:11:18,600
in another woman?

196
00:11:19,800 --> 00:11:23,720
But of course, on account of the mortal danger it would involve...

197
00:11:28,200 --> 00:11:31,440
..we can't afford to get mixed up with a REAL other woman.

198
00:11:31,440 --> 00:11:35,360
So, we need to be seen, if only at a distance,

199
00:11:36,600 --> 00:11:39,360
..in the company of, shall we say...

200
00:11:42,280 --> 00:11:44,080
..a strange woman.

201
00:11:45,880 --> 00:11:48,360
In which case, your help would prove invaluable.

202
00:11:50,160 --> 00:11:51,960
I already have a strange woman.

203
00:11:54,440 --> 00:11:57,000
And I doubt whether you'd want one as strange as that.

204
00:11:58,200 --> 00:12:00,160
We need an illusion of a woman.

205
00:12:00,160 --> 00:12:02,040
Oh, she's no illusion.

206
00:12:03,920 --> 00:12:07,920
- Woman enough to get the rumours circulating.
- Mm.

207
00:12:07,920 --> 00:12:09,280
But, hang on...

208
00:12:10,520 --> 00:12:12,000
..I'm getting an idea here.

209
00:12:14,000 --> 00:12:15,080
What you need...

210
00:12:16,720 --> 00:12:17,760
..is some chap.

211
00:12:18,920 --> 00:12:20,680
Go on.

212
00:12:20,680 --> 00:12:25,640
It's a lot to ask. He'd have to be very well disposed towards you.

213
00:12:25,640 --> 00:12:28,320
- An absolute jewel. 
- Top of the heap.

214
00:12:30,240 --> 00:12:32,280
Someone willing to play the part...

215
00:12:33,960 --> 00:12:35,480
..of a lady.

216
00:12:38,320 --> 00:12:40,840
Now, don't dismiss it out of hand.

217
00:12:40,840 --> 00:12:42,080
Oh, no.

218
00:12:43,400 --> 00:12:45,800
I realise it's a big step.

219
00:12:47,840 --> 00:12:50,120
And where are you likely to find an idiot like that?

220
00:12:58,440 --> 00:13:00,520
No!

221
00:13:00,520 --> 00:13:02,240
Absolutely not!

222
00:13:07,640 --> 00:13:09,640
I don't really need a torch.

223
00:13:11,840 --> 00:13:13,360
You need a proper restaurant.

224
00:13:15,640 --> 00:13:18,720
You can't take Madge and Mavis to some greasy spoon.

225
00:13:18,720 --> 00:13:21,040
I know it's not that you lack the nerve, but really.

226
00:13:22,600 --> 00:13:23,640
Thank you.

227
00:13:23,640 --> 00:13:26,040
Ah! Oh! Ah!

228
00:13:28,560 --> 00:13:30,080
Yes, but if I'm paying,

229
00:13:30,080 --> 00:13:35,480
you know that my digestive system can't handle expensive.

230
00:13:35,480 --> 00:13:37,200
I'm told this restaurant's reasonable.

231
00:13:37,200 --> 00:13:40,040
Huh. I shan't enjoy it.

232
00:13:40,040 --> 00:13:43,520
I'll be wondering about how you're getting on minding the shop.

233
00:13:44,640 --> 00:13:46,280
But I'm not minding the shop.

234
00:13:46,280 --> 00:13:49,120
I'm going with you. I've invited a young lady.

235
00:13:49,120 --> 00:13:50,880
Well, who's minding the shop?

236
00:13:56,400 --> 00:13:58,200
Take a deep breath, listen to me...

237
00:13:59,360 --> 00:14:01,320
..can't we close early, for once?

238
00:14:04,400 --> 00:14:06,640
You see what he thinks?

239
00:14:06,640 --> 00:14:07,920
Well, what do YOU think?

240
00:14:08,960 --> 00:14:10,080
I'm with him.

241
00:14:17,640 --> 00:14:19,000
GRANVILLE HUMS

242
00:14:19,000 --> 00:14:24,320
Oh! By the look of you two, this is not happy hour.

243
00:14:24,320 --> 00:14:26,320
Old Newbold won't do it.

244
00:14:26,320 --> 00:14:28,840
He refuses flatly to go girlie.

245
00:14:28,840 --> 00:14:32,840
No problem. You do it yourselves.

246
00:14:32,840 --> 00:14:34,960
You become your own other woman.

247
00:14:36,760 --> 00:14:38,880
One of you goes female,

248
00:14:38,880 --> 00:14:44,400
and then you take turns so that you can both be seen out

249
00:14:44,400 --> 00:14:46,760
with another woman.

250
00:14:46,760 --> 00:14:48,560
Would I want to be seen out with him?

251
00:14:50,480 --> 00:14:53,440
Hey! I don't fancy you that much, either.

252
00:14:54,800 --> 00:14:56,840
Listen, you're not going to get married,

253
00:14:56,840 --> 00:15:00,360
you're just doing it to start a rumour, aren't you?

254
00:15:00,360 --> 00:15:02,080
All right, I'll tell you what -

255
00:15:02,080 --> 00:15:05,800
we'll toss a coin for who goes female first.

256
00:15:05,800 --> 00:15:07,560
Right.

257
00:15:07,560 --> 00:15:10,640
Arkwright, can I borrow a coin?

258
00:15:10,640 --> 00:15:12,800
Thank you. I shall return it.

259
00:15:12,800 --> 00:15:16,040
Right, I'm going to toss the coin, you call.

260
00:15:16,040 --> 00:15:18,480
Loser goes first.

261
00:15:19,560 --> 00:15:22,160
- Tails. 
- Heads.

262
00:15:23,600 --> 00:15:25,360
Oh!

263
00:15:25,360 --> 00:15:27,280
GRANVILLE CHUCKLES

264
00:15:27,280 --> 00:15:28,800
Hello, sweetie.

265
00:15:28,800 --> 00:15:31,280
CYRIL LAUGHS

266
00:15:34,720 --> 00:15:37,360
Come away. It's locked and bolted.

267
00:15:37,360 --> 00:15:39,680
Not to mention locked and bolted.

268
00:15:41,560 --> 00:15:42,680
GRANVILLE GRUNTS

269
00:15:42,680 --> 00:15:45,280
Oh, you've overloaded the money belt.

270
00:15:45,280 --> 00:15:49,240
I'm not leaving my innocent money to get into the clutches

271
00:15:49,240 --> 00:15:50,960
of evil toerags.

272
00:15:52,280 --> 00:15:55,360
- Who parked that thing there? 
- I've no idea.

273
00:15:56,760 --> 00:15:58,040
What's he doing now?

274
00:15:59,440 --> 00:16:02,600
He's telling Arkwright to keep an eye on the shop.

275
00:16:02,600 --> 00:16:05,200
Don't ask. Right, I'll see you at the restaurant.

276
00:16:12,200 --> 00:16:15,240
- Hang on a minute.
- Oh, now what? 
- It's all right.

277
00:16:15,240 --> 00:16:16,840
- No, I'll be back in a flash. 
- Oh!

278
00:16:27,880 --> 00:16:30,280
Oh, my first customer.

279
00:16:30,280 --> 00:16:32,240
What a pity he's badly bent.

280
00:16:32,240 --> 00:16:33,560
Ah! Oh!

281
00:16:34,680 --> 00:16:36,240
Only a temporary...

282
00:16:36,240 --> 00:16:40,200
Listen, if you see anybody going to the shop, give them a whistle

283
00:16:40,200 --> 00:16:43,280
and get them back over here, cos I've stocked you well up.

284
00:16:43,280 --> 00:16:44,400
I'm on a power trip.

285
00:16:46,040 --> 00:16:50,360
And if they look half kettled, sell them a torch.

286
00:16:50,360 --> 00:16:54,080
- I'll torch them to death.
- Yes! 
- Trust me, I'm on a roll.
- Good.

287
00:16:54,080 --> 00:16:57,240
Now, any problems, give me a call, all right?

288
00:16:57,240 --> 00:16:59,880
Or I could call Leroy, save you the trouble.

289
00:17:15,320 --> 00:17:18,280
Straighten up. You're walking like your elastic's gone!

290
00:17:18,280 --> 00:17:22,360
This is as straight as it gets without doing some serious damage.

291
00:17:24,920 --> 00:17:26,560
- Get in! 
- Oh!

292
00:17:29,080 --> 00:17:30,960
Can we get the old gentleman a chair?

293
00:17:42,680 --> 00:17:44,360
Well, what's anybody having?

294
00:17:45,400 --> 00:17:46,600
A coronary.

295
00:17:48,320 --> 00:17:53,760
Every time I see these prices, my money belt gives a twinge.

296
00:17:53,760 --> 00:17:57,640
You're out of touch. How long is it since you last went out for a meal?

297
00:17:57,640 --> 00:18:02,120
I'll tell you how long it's going to be before I go out for the next one.

298
00:18:02,120 --> 00:18:04,000
Well, you only live once.

299
00:18:04,000 --> 00:18:06,320
You can't afford twice!

300
00:18:06,320 --> 00:18:09,400
MONEY BELT CREAKS Oh!

301
00:18:09,400 --> 00:18:11,760
Do you live in town, Beth?

302
00:18:11,760 --> 00:18:13,640
Just on the outskirts.

303
00:18:13,640 --> 00:18:15,240
She's a vegan.

304
00:18:15,240 --> 00:18:17,640
Still, I don't see why they can't let her into town!

305
00:18:20,360 --> 00:18:24,400
I only mention it to explain why we'll be having our own table.

306
00:18:24,400 --> 00:18:26,640
You wouldn't want to be sat next to a couple of people

307
00:18:26,640 --> 00:18:28,800
crunching through salad, would you?

308
00:18:28,800 --> 00:18:30,480
So, what will you be having?

309
00:18:31,480 --> 00:18:33,640
Oh... My favourite salad.

310
00:18:33,640 --> 00:18:35,360
Oh, isn't love grand?

311
00:18:36,680 --> 00:18:38,560
How long have you been on salad?

312
00:18:40,080 --> 00:18:42,440
Since I showed him the benefits.

313
00:18:42,440 --> 00:18:44,400
I can see where he sees the benefits.

314
00:18:47,440 --> 00:18:49,800
And what can we get you people?

315
00:18:49,800 --> 00:18:50,920
A mortgage!

316
00:18:52,320 --> 00:18:54,560
Could you give us a couple more minutes?

317
00:18:54,560 --> 00:18:57,320
- Certainly. 
- Give me a hand, will you?

318
00:18:57,320 --> 00:18:58,880
I've got to release this thing.

319
00:18:58,880 --> 00:19:01,760
Oh, yes, thank you.

320
00:19:01,760 --> 00:19:03,080
Excuse me.

321
00:19:03,080 --> 00:19:04,960
MONEY JINGLES

322
00:19:09,480 --> 00:19:11,560
CREAKING

323
00:19:11,560 --> 00:19:12,920
That's better. Thank you.

324
00:19:14,280 --> 00:19:15,320
Thank you.

325
00:19:16,520 --> 00:19:18,440
They'll all be at the restaurant.

326
00:19:18,440 --> 00:19:21,880
It'll give you a chance to show them how close we're becoming.

327
00:19:21,880 --> 00:19:24,800
They should know already. You keep telling them.

328
00:19:24,800 --> 00:19:27,800
There's nothing like them witnessing your show of affection.

329
00:19:27,800 --> 00:19:30,680
"Show"? How much of a show?

330
00:19:30,680 --> 00:19:34,160
Well, just the usual courtesies. I don't want you mauling me.

331
00:19:34,160 --> 00:19:36,480
Much can be achieved by the right expression.

332
00:19:40,120 --> 00:19:41,960
Just not the one you're wearing now.

333
00:19:47,800 --> 00:19:49,280
I know him from some place.

334
00:19:49,280 --> 00:19:51,200
Stop staring, it's rude.

335
00:19:51,200 --> 00:19:54,640
There you go again. You hate me, don't you?

336
00:19:54,640 --> 00:19:56,440
Not always.

337
00:19:59,000 --> 00:20:02,120
Go on. Tell her.

338
00:20:02,120 --> 00:20:05,120
What, already? We haven't even eaten.

339
00:20:05,120 --> 00:20:07,040
I was saving it for later.

340
00:20:07,040 --> 00:20:09,000
Tell me what?

341
00:20:09,000 --> 00:20:12,960
Gastric doesn't want you to leave the area.

342
00:20:12,960 --> 00:20:17,240
Nobody wants her to leave the area. I keep telling her.

343
00:20:17,240 --> 00:20:19,400
Mrs Duckett says the omens are wrong.

344
00:20:20,360 --> 00:20:23,520
I keep reminding her what happened when she went to Bridlington.

345
00:20:23,520 --> 00:20:25,200
I only went for a day.

346
00:20:25,200 --> 00:20:27,440
Exactly. If you can't get a day right,

347
00:20:27,440 --> 00:20:29,880
where do you get the nerve to try forever?

348
00:20:29,880 --> 00:20:34,120
Oh, go on, girl! I love it when you're roused.

349
00:20:34,120 --> 00:20:37,000
Thank you. I'll have the squid.

350
00:20:38,880 --> 00:20:41,880
Hey, you do know that a squid has eight arms?

351
00:20:42,920 --> 00:20:46,360
Given the right circumstances, I can do a very good impression.

352
00:20:46,360 --> 00:20:47,560
I know!

353
00:20:54,800 --> 00:20:56,240
Who's that with Cyril?

354
00:20:58,840 --> 00:21:00,720
And why did he bother?

355
00:21:00,720 --> 00:21:03,560
Oh, he'll look a bit sick when he sees us here.

356
00:21:03,560 --> 00:21:05,240
Don't you start gossiping,

357
00:21:05,240 --> 00:21:08,200
otherwise you'll get him into trouble with his wife.

358
00:21:08,200 --> 00:21:10,960
He's looking for trouble, bringing her here.

359
00:21:10,960 --> 00:21:13,000
She must be some brazen slapper.

360
00:21:28,920 --> 00:21:30,080
Who was that?

361
00:21:31,760 --> 00:21:34,080
Just a neighbour. Probably his auntie.

362
00:21:36,000 --> 00:21:37,520
Take your glasses off.

363
00:21:38,880 --> 00:21:40,600
What, and be recog...

364
00:21:40,600 --> 00:21:41,880
..recognised?

365
00:21:43,040 --> 00:21:45,560
"Oh, look, there's Eric dressed as an old bag."

366
00:21:45,560 --> 00:21:48,400
Stop right there. Forget that notion.

367
00:21:48,400 --> 00:21:50,640
I wouldn't be caught dead with an old bag.

368
00:21:50,640 --> 00:21:54,920
You're my escort for the evening, and therefore, you are...

369
00:21:56,320 --> 00:21:57,520
..beautiful.

370
00:21:59,920 --> 00:22:03,440
Give over, will you? You're creeping me out.

371
00:22:04,640 --> 00:22:06,120
Ooh, well!

372
00:22:06,120 --> 00:22:09,400
What a coincidence, seeing you people here.

373
00:22:09,400 --> 00:22:13,760
Mr Newbold's always whisking me off for a little dolce vita.

374
00:22:13,760 --> 00:22:15,840
Softening me up, I fear.

375
00:22:15,840 --> 00:22:18,520
It makes you wonder what they have in mind.

376
00:22:28,080 --> 00:22:30,400
Ooh, ooh... GRANVILLE STRAINS

377
00:22:32,080 --> 00:22:33,360
Your father's weird.

378
00:22:33,360 --> 00:22:34,440
Yeah.

379
00:22:34,440 --> 00:22:35,880
I've noticed that.

380
00:22:35,880 --> 00:22:38,200
I can see where you get yours from.

381
00:22:38,200 --> 00:22:40,720
What? You think I'm weird?

382
00:22:40,720 --> 00:22:44,040
You came to the library dressed as a banana.

383
00:22:44,040 --> 00:22:46,800
Only because my gherkin suit were at the dry cleaners.

384
00:22:49,760 --> 00:22:52,480
We'll get the word out now. She'll spread it.

385
00:22:52,480 --> 00:22:54,800
What if people come over here?

386
00:22:54,800 --> 00:22:56,840
How are you going to introduce me?

387
00:22:56,840 --> 00:22:58,600
What am I called?

388
00:22:59,640 --> 00:23:01,680
- Vera.
- Bog off!

389
00:23:04,160 --> 00:23:05,640
That's a wife's name.

390
00:23:05,640 --> 00:23:08,800
We're having an affair here, a hot fling.

391
00:23:08,800 --> 00:23:10,920
I ought to be something more...

392
00:23:10,920 --> 00:23:12,680
exotic.

393
00:23:12,680 --> 00:23:14,840
You're getting carried away, hey?

394
00:23:14,840 --> 00:23:17,200
You're going over the top again.

395
00:23:17,200 --> 00:23:19,160
I'm seeking authenticity.

396
00:23:19,160 --> 00:23:21,480
It's not just the dress, you know.

397
00:23:21,480 --> 00:23:23,360
I need to...

398
00:23:23,360 --> 00:23:24,760
feel the person.

399
00:23:26,080 --> 00:23:28,920
OK. It's...

400
00:23:28,920 --> 00:23:30,560
Dolores.

401
00:23:33,680 --> 00:23:34,880
Feel that?

402
00:23:38,240 --> 00:23:39,800
Will you be able to spell it?

403
00:23:39,800 --> 00:23:41,560
Why would I want to spell it?

404
00:23:41,560 --> 00:23:43,920
Dolores likes to cover all the angles.

405
00:23:43,920 --> 00:23:45,880
Maybe she's a perfectionist.

406
00:23:45,880 --> 00:23:47,360
More like obsessive.

407
00:23:47,360 --> 00:23:50,560
Oh, well, forgive me if Dolores is becoming too much of a bother!

408
00:23:54,400 --> 00:23:55,920
Crab apple jelly.

409
00:23:55,920 --> 00:24:00,960
- Sorry?
- You sold me crab apple, a boat-load of crab apple jelly.

410
00:24:00,960 --> 00:24:04,480
Oh, yes. That's right. Well, tell your friends,

411
00:24:04,480 --> 00:24:07,760
and tell them to hurry, because stocks are limited.

412
00:24:07,760 --> 00:24:10,000
"The old witch's recipe", you said.

413
00:24:10,000 --> 00:24:13,680
Oh, yes. Excuse me, won't you? Just a moment.

414
00:24:13,680 --> 00:24:15,680
Yes, that'll be Mrs Duckett.

415
00:24:15,680 --> 00:24:18,920
She pulled it off the old psychic internet.

416
00:24:18,920 --> 00:24:22,800
"Guaranteed to revitalise your romance", you said.

417
00:24:22,800 --> 00:24:24,040
Mm-hm?

418
00:24:24,040 --> 00:24:25,960
Does that look revitalised?

419
00:24:28,760 --> 00:24:31,760
I feed her bucketsful, and for what? Nothing.

420
00:24:31,760 --> 00:24:34,280
I'll tell you what I do get, malice.

421
00:24:34,280 --> 00:24:36,640
Did you get the additive?

422
00:24:36,640 --> 00:24:40,040
Oh, yes, yes. You sold me Doctor Proctor's additive.

423
00:24:40,040 --> 00:24:42,440
I've been lobbing drops in her every mouthful.

424
00:24:42,440 --> 00:24:45,440
I see. And did you wait for the trigger?

425
00:24:45,440 --> 00:24:47,680
Nobody mentioned a trigger.

426
00:24:48,880 --> 00:24:50,960
Oh, well, that's it, isn't it?

427
00:24:50,960 --> 00:24:52,880
You forgot the trigger.

428
00:24:52,880 --> 00:24:57,760
Now, I tell you what, you go back to her, with my blessing,

429
00:24:57,760 --> 00:24:59,600
take her home.

430
00:24:59,600 --> 00:25:02,680
She will be more than you can handle

431
00:25:02,680 --> 00:25:07,400
when she hears any Frank Sinatra album.

432
00:25:07,400 --> 00:25:11,000
- So, Frank Sinatra's the trigger? 
- Yes.

433
00:25:11,000 --> 00:25:13,160
Take her home, put the music on,

434
00:25:13,160 --> 00:25:16,360
but make sure you're holding on to something firm. Right?

435
00:25:19,120 --> 00:25:21,000
THEY LAUGH

436
00:25:25,560 --> 00:25:27,960
What are you doing under the table?

437
00:25:29,200 --> 00:25:31,680
Is this you staring at my legs?

438
00:25:33,000 --> 00:25:34,320
You dropped a napkin.

439
00:25:35,560 --> 00:25:38,760
Well, there's no point in showing your affection under there.

440
00:25:38,760 --> 00:25:41,160
Let them see it in your eyes.

441
00:25:41,160 --> 00:25:44,240
Now, start with a bit of yearning.

442
00:25:44,240 --> 00:25:47,840
Up your game, man. Go for passionate.

443
00:25:51,360 --> 00:25:52,720
And madam would like?

444
00:25:54,040 --> 00:25:58,880
I think I'll start with a ballotine of free-range chicken,

445
00:25:58,880 --> 00:26:01,600
with a maple-infused duck.

446
00:26:02,640 --> 00:26:03,960
How much?!

447
00:26:03,960 --> 00:26:05,760
Oh! Ooh...

448
00:26:05,760 --> 00:26:08,000
CREAKING AND GRANVILLE STRAINS

449
00:26:09,840 --> 00:26:11,520
What's your father doing?

450
00:26:11,520 --> 00:26:13,080
My head in.

451
00:26:13,080 --> 00:26:15,200
CREAKING

452
00:26:15,200 --> 00:26:16,720
GRANVILLE SIGHS

453
00:26:17,960 --> 00:26:21,640
I suppose it's worth it if Madge is staying, hey?

454
00:26:21,640 --> 00:26:23,800
- Who said I would stay?
- Shut up!

455
00:26:26,560 --> 00:26:28,600
Hello, Mavis!

456
00:26:28,600 --> 00:26:30,640
Hello, Granville.

457
00:26:33,920 --> 00:26:37,120
- Well, I must say, I thought that was delicious. 
- ROMANTIC MUSIC

458
00:26:37,120 --> 00:26:39,960
# Once I get you up there... #

459
00:26:42,400 --> 00:26:44,040
Oh, hey! This is him.

460
00:26:44,040 --> 00:26:46,280
Mr Cupid with his wonder jelly.

461
00:26:47,520 --> 00:26:49,880
Oh... Mm...

462
00:26:53,720 --> 00:26:55,080
Oh, hey up!

463
00:26:55,080 --> 00:26:58,800
- This is a one-way jelly, you know. 
- Oh, sorry. No, I...

464
00:27:00,160 --> 00:27:01,360
Tart!

465
00:27:02,840 --> 00:27:04,320
I... Hey!

466
00:27:07,600 --> 00:27:09,600
DOOR CREAKS

467
00:27:19,840 --> 00:27:21,760
Kath.

468
00:27:21,760 --> 00:27:23,320
I know who I am.

469
00:27:23,320 --> 00:27:25,520
Who the hell are you?

470
00:27:25,520 --> 00:27:27,200
You're usually in bed.

471
00:27:28,680 --> 00:27:30,680
Go on, explain yourself.

472
00:27:30,680 --> 00:27:32,920
I'm not giving you time to think.

473
00:27:32,920 --> 00:27:34,760
I want you to lie to me spontaneously.

474
00:27:34,760 --> 00:27:36,640
But you should be in bed!

475
00:27:36,640 --> 00:27:38,680
Any other time, you'd have been in bed.

476
00:27:39,960 --> 00:27:41,200
With your back to me.

477
00:27:42,720 --> 00:27:44,240
I don't know you any more.

478
00:27:45,400 --> 00:27:46,840
Who are you?

479
00:27:48,800 --> 00:27:50,200
Dolores.

480
00:27:51,440 --> 00:27:52,760
Dolores?

481
00:27:52,760 --> 00:27:55,520
Couldn't you have picked something a bit more...?

482
00:27:55,520 --> 00:27:57,640
Oh, all right, then! Vera.

483
00:27:57,640 --> 00:27:59,680
Vera. Yeah, better.

484
00:27:59,680 --> 00:28:01,080
Although...

485
00:28:02,360 --> 00:28:04,960
..I do feel more of a Susan.

486
00:28:06,400 --> 00:28:07,960
Susan.

487
00:28:07,960 --> 00:28:09,600
I tell you what, Susan,

488
00:28:09,600 --> 00:28:13,320
Next time, let me do your face, eh?

489
00:28:23,200 --> 00:28:27,200
'I'm going to have to review some prices round here

490
00:28:27,200 --> 00:28:28,960
'to pay for that bill.

491
00:28:31,360 --> 00:28:35,360
'I must say, that Mavis goes well with squid.

492
00:28:37,840 --> 00:28:42,200
'I don't think our Leroy's going far with that vegan.

493
00:28:43,760 --> 00:28:46,080
'I'd better get him some supper ready.

494
00:28:46,080 --> 00:28:49,400
'He'll be starving after that salad.'