1 00:00:03,024 --> 00:00:05,993 ( theme music playing ) 2 00:00:32,387 --> 00:00:34,489 ( sirens wailing ) 3 00:00:39,861 --> 00:00:41,695 Okay, give me more pressure. 4 00:00:41,696 --> 00:00:45,333 - Great, great guys. - Wonderful. 5 00:00:45,334 --> 00:00:47,568 God, that man can handle a hose. 6 00:00:49,671 --> 00:00:51,705 Yeah, well, they're just doing their job, 7 00:00:51,706 --> 00:00:53,707 And I really think we should be doing ours. 8 00:00:53,708 --> 00:00:56,377 Look what I found dropped outside the house. 9 00:00:56,378 --> 00:00:59,180 - What? - What? 10 00:00:59,181 --> 00:01:01,582 It's a dead match, Maggie. A dead match. 11 00:01:01,583 --> 00:01:04,652 - What does that tell you? - It tells me somebody dropped a match. 12 00:01:04,653 --> 00:01:07,655 So we have a dead match and we have a fire. 13 00:01:07,656 --> 00:01:09,590 Do you see the connection? 14 00:01:09,591 --> 00:01:11,425 All right, I'll give you a clue. 15 00:01:11,426 --> 00:01:13,394 Two syllables, the first one is "arse." 16 00:01:13,395 --> 00:01:15,630 What do you think the second one is? 17 00:01:15,631 --> 00:01:17,565 - Brain? - Yes, exactly. 18 00:01:17,566 --> 00:01:20,801 What we have here is a case of arse-brain- arson. 19 00:01:20,802 --> 00:01:22,703 People drop matches all the time, Kevin. 20 00:01:24,039 --> 00:01:26,274 Evening, officers. Nasty little fire. 21 00:01:26,275 --> 00:01:28,776 Old lady dropped a chip pan full of burning fat. 22 00:01:28,777 --> 00:01:30,511 God knows, we try to tell 'em. 23 00:01:30,512 --> 00:01:33,714 "don't drop chip pans full of burning fat," we say. 24 00:01:33,715 --> 00:01:36,617 It must be heartbreaking for guys like you 25 00:01:36,618 --> 00:01:38,118 Who have to pick up the pieces. 26 00:01:38,119 --> 00:01:40,120 You tell yourself, "it's a job. 27 00:01:40,121 --> 00:01:42,323 Walk away, Gary. Walk away." 28 00:01:42,324 --> 00:01:44,625 But saving lives is a heart and soul thing 29 00:01:44,626 --> 00:01:46,860 And you can't just walk away from that. 30 00:01:46,861 --> 00:01:49,430 Listen, I've been eating burning flames 31 00:01:49,431 --> 00:01:51,799 And acrid smoke all day. You fancy a brew? 32 00:01:51,800 --> 00:01:54,101 - No, thanks. - Oh yeah, that'd be lovely. 33 00:01:54,102 --> 00:01:56,170 Yes, I see. 34 00:01:56,171 --> 00:01:58,439 Your briefing for this evening's 35 00:01:58,440 --> 00:02:01,141 Neighborhood watch meeting, sir. 36 00:02:01,142 --> 00:02:04,812 You say you were involved in the recent armed robberies? 37 00:02:04,813 --> 00:02:07,281 The brains of the outfit you say? 38 00:02:07,282 --> 00:02:09,717 I see, and your name? 39 00:02:09,718 --> 00:02:11,885 Al... 40 00:02:11,886 --> 00:02:14,054 Capone. 41 00:02:15,757 --> 00:02:18,292 Yes, thank you, mr. Capone. 42 00:02:18,293 --> 00:02:20,094 Should you have any further information, 43 00:02:20,095 --> 00:02:22,062 Could you ring dr. Veejay Narim 44 00:02:22,063 --> 00:02:24,765 At Gasforth psychiatric hospital? 45 00:02:24,766 --> 00:02:26,534 Thank you, goodbye. 46 00:02:26,535 --> 00:02:29,337 God save us from these lunatics. 47 00:02:29,338 --> 00:02:31,905 What lunatics are those then, Raymond? 48 00:02:31,906 --> 00:02:33,907 Your officers? 49 00:02:33,908 --> 00:02:36,143 ( laughs ) 50 00:02:36,144 --> 00:02:38,279 I'm being pestered by a hoaxer. 51 00:02:38,280 --> 00:02:40,948 One minute he claims to have killed Kennedy, 52 00:02:40,949 --> 00:02:43,718 The next he's having morning coffee with Lord Lucan. 53 00:02:44,786 --> 00:02:47,488 Oh well, pity the poor plod, eh? 54 00:02:47,489 --> 00:02:49,423 Funny, isn't it? 55 00:02:49,424 --> 00:02:51,592 Here we are, both coppers, 56 00:02:51,593 --> 00:02:53,894 Except you deal with pretend criminals 57 00:02:53,895 --> 00:02:55,730 And I deal with real ones. 58 00:02:55,731 --> 00:02:57,998 As it happens, I'm about to crack 59 00:02:57,999 --> 00:02:59,667 The biggest case of my career. 60 00:02:59,668 --> 00:03:02,703 Oh really, Derek? Perhaps you'd like to illuminate me. 61 00:03:02,704 --> 00:03:05,038 No can tell, Raymond. Top security. 62 00:03:05,039 --> 00:03:07,040 Oh well, suit yourself. 63 00:03:07,041 --> 00:03:09,677 Yeah, all right, I'll give you a clue. 64 00:03:09,678 --> 00:03:13,414 But this is hush-hush, winky-winky and all that. 65 00:03:13,415 --> 00:03:17,785 Two syllables - "terror" and "ism." 66 00:03:20,422 --> 00:03:23,257 Sir, it's the bomber. 67 00:03:23,258 --> 00:03:25,192 He's on the line and he wants to talk to you. 68 00:03:25,193 --> 00:03:28,629 Ah, ah! Security, Kray. Need-to-know-basis. 69 00:03:28,630 --> 00:03:31,265 - Use the code. - Sorry, sir. 70 00:03:31,266 --> 00:03:33,934 Mr. Bang-bang is on the line. 71 00:03:33,935 --> 00:03:35,869 Well, that should cover your trail. 72 00:03:35,870 --> 00:03:38,138 I've routed the call through to special branch, sir. 73 00:03:38,139 --> 00:03:40,107 Keep him on the line, we're gonna trace the call. 74 00:03:40,108 --> 00:03:44,211 Hello. Quick, pen. Pen! 75 00:03:44,212 --> 00:03:46,079 Right, I think he's giving me a code. 76 00:03:46,080 --> 00:03:49,517 He's asking if I want garlic sauce. 77 00:03:49,518 --> 00:03:52,553 Sorry, sir, I think I've given you the wrong phone. 78 00:03:53,855 --> 00:03:56,390 I was just ordering a kebab. 79 00:03:58,860 --> 00:04:01,895 Hello? 80 00:04:01,896 --> 00:04:03,030 Hello? 81 00:04:04,399 --> 00:04:07,367 Then the ambulance guy said the old lady was a goner. 82 00:04:07,368 --> 00:04:10,237 But I soon brought her round with a bit of intensive mouth-to-mouth. 83 00:04:10,238 --> 00:04:12,873 Lucky old lady. 84 00:04:12,874 --> 00:04:15,810 - Oh god, I'm sounding really stupid. - Yes, you are. 85 00:04:15,811 --> 00:04:18,445 So how about you then, Kevin? You ever saved anybody's life? 86 00:04:20,415 --> 00:04:21,949 Yes, I have actually. Lots of people. 87 00:04:21,950 --> 00:04:24,852 Oh, yeah, Kevin. How's that then? 88 00:04:24,853 --> 00:04:27,988 There was this village and their water supply was poisoned. 89 00:04:27,989 --> 00:04:31,959 I got lots of fresh stuff to them and saved hundreds of people. 90 00:04:31,960 --> 00:04:33,761 Wow, Kevin... 91 00:04:33,762 --> 00:04:36,530 Incredible. How did you manage that? 92 00:04:38,333 --> 00:04:40,134 I don't really want to talk about it. 93 00:04:40,135 --> 00:04:41,769 Oh come on, Kevin. 94 00:04:41,770 --> 00:04:43,871 How did you do it? 95 00:04:43,872 --> 00:04:47,942 I sat in a bath full of baked beans and made £50 for "comic relief." 96 00:04:55,917 --> 00:04:57,651 Sergeant Dawkins- 97 00:04:57,652 --> 00:05:00,121 Darling? 98 00:05:00,122 --> 00:05:01,889 I fear I shall miss supper again tonight. 99 00:05:01,890 --> 00:05:04,225 - I have a neighborhood watch meeting. - Yes, I know. 100 00:05:04,226 --> 00:05:06,994 I'm going to make a stew. I'll leave some in the slow cooker. 101 00:05:06,995 --> 00:05:08,729 Ah yes, absolutely. 102 00:05:08,730 --> 00:05:10,364 Lovely, delicious. 103 00:05:10,365 --> 00:05:13,901 What a splendid thought. 104 00:05:13,902 --> 00:05:17,004 Or else I could just stop off at a take-away to save you that trouble. 105 00:05:17,005 --> 00:05:19,439 No trouble. I've already diced the turnips. 106 00:05:21,409 --> 00:05:23,110 Good, good, 107 00:05:23,111 --> 00:05:26,513 So that's settled then. Warmed-up stew. 108 00:05:27,749 --> 00:05:29,817 What a treat. 109 00:05:29,818 --> 00:05:31,385 Much better than bringing home 110 00:05:31,386 --> 00:05:34,421 Some dull old chicken tika masala 111 00:05:34,422 --> 00:05:39,526 With rogan josh and fluffy naan bread, 112 00:05:39,527 --> 00:05:43,563 And pilau rice, lots of crispy papadams, 113 00:05:43,564 --> 00:05:45,599 Pickled chutney, 114 00:05:45,600 --> 00:05:48,669 Cool, cool cucumber raita. 115 00:05:48,670 --> 00:05:51,505 Huh! Thank goodness I won't be trying 116 00:05:51,506 --> 00:05:54,408 To force that down my throat tonight. 117 00:05:54,409 --> 00:05:57,244 No, I'm having lovely stew. 118 00:05:57,245 --> 00:05:59,780 Yum. 119 00:05:59,781 --> 00:06:02,883 - Unless it's too much trouble. - I've said it's no trouble. 120 00:06:02,884 --> 00:06:05,719 But by all means get yourself a curry if that's what you want. 121 00:06:05,720 --> 00:06:09,123 I've no desire to spend my evening scrubbing your root vegetables. 122 00:06:10,692 --> 00:06:12,559 If you don't appreciate my cooking- 123 00:06:12,560 --> 00:06:15,296 Appreciate it? I adore your cooking. 124 00:06:15,297 --> 00:06:18,565 Why that lamb casserole you left in the pot for me last night 125 00:06:18,566 --> 00:06:20,600 Was absolutely... 126 00:06:20,601 --> 00:06:21,836 Fascinating. 127 00:06:23,438 --> 00:06:25,906 It was chicken chasseur. 128 00:06:25,907 --> 00:06:28,742 Yes, you see? You see? Your cuisine is so intriguing. 129 00:06:28,743 --> 00:06:31,846 Raymond, I'm busy. 130 00:06:31,847 --> 00:06:35,749 Yes, well - well, we both had a busy day. 131 00:06:35,750 --> 00:06:38,252 Let me tell you, sergeant darling, 132 00:06:38,253 --> 00:06:40,487 I'm looking forward to getting into bed tonight. 133 00:06:42,590 --> 00:06:45,092 - Really, Raymond? - Dear me, yes. 134 00:06:45,093 --> 00:06:47,627 A chapter of John Buchan and a chocolate hobnob 135 00:06:47,628 --> 00:06:49,964 Look pretty good from where I'm standing. 136 00:06:53,134 --> 00:06:54,701 So he says, 137 00:06:54,702 --> 00:06:57,137 "god save us from these lunatics." 138 00:06:57,138 --> 00:06:59,073 And I says, 139 00:06:59,074 --> 00:07:01,342 "what lunatics are those then, Raymond? 140 00:07:01,343 --> 00:07:03,744 Your officers?" 141 00:07:03,745 --> 00:07:05,645 ( laughing ) 142 00:07:06,948 --> 00:07:08,749 ( laughing weakly ) 143 00:07:08,750 --> 00:07:11,418 Superb, sir. Don't tell me anymore, 144 00:07:11,419 --> 00:07:14,054 Someone's got to use this seat next shift. 145 00:07:21,630 --> 00:07:24,030 Ladies and gentlemen... ( clears throat ) 146 00:07:24,031 --> 00:07:25,799 Thank you all very much for coming. 147 00:07:25,800 --> 00:07:28,769 Before we begin, I'd just like to set your minds at rest 148 00:07:28,770 --> 00:07:31,372 About one or two popular misconceptions 149 00:07:31,373 --> 00:07:33,140 About the neighborhood watch scheme. 150 00:07:33,141 --> 00:07:37,711 Rest assured, this is not a busybody's charter. 151 00:07:37,712 --> 00:07:40,080 The police are not encouraging people 152 00:07:40,081 --> 00:07:42,215 To spy on their neighbors, 153 00:07:42,216 --> 00:07:45,085 To view all strangers with suspicion, 154 00:07:45,086 --> 00:07:49,022 Or to complain loudly about anything or anyone they don't like. 155 00:07:49,023 --> 00:07:51,492 Okay, so I'm off. 156 00:08:03,772 --> 00:08:06,607 Wow, Maggie... You look great, really great. 157 00:08:06,608 --> 00:08:08,909 - What a babe. - Thanks. 158 00:08:11,780 --> 00:08:14,348 Do you fancy a quick one? 159 00:08:15,383 --> 00:08:17,250 No, I mean a drink - drink. 160 00:08:17,251 --> 00:08:20,421 Well, thank you, mr. Biggs. 161 00:08:20,422 --> 00:08:21,689 It was good of you- 162 00:08:21,690 --> 00:08:23,990 It was good of you to call all the way from Brazil. 163 00:08:26,695 --> 00:08:29,663 Nice boobs - shoes! Shoes! 164 00:08:31,132 --> 00:08:34,401 God, I didn't say that, did I? Did I say boobs? Did I? 165 00:08:35,670 --> 00:08:37,204 You haven't got nice boobs. 166 00:08:37,205 --> 00:08:39,506 Well, I mean you have. 167 00:08:39,507 --> 00:08:41,608 You have got nice- 168 00:08:41,609 --> 00:08:44,244 Oh god, sorry. 169 00:08:44,245 --> 00:08:47,581 Yes, I'll certainly remember you to chief superintendent Slipper. 170 00:08:49,917 --> 00:08:52,786 More phantom criminals, Raymond? 171 00:08:52,787 --> 00:08:55,021 How's the real police work going, constable Kray? 172 00:08:55,022 --> 00:08:57,991 - Not bad, sir. It paid to ring around. - Oh, yes? 173 00:08:57,992 --> 00:08:59,292 I got a woman here 174 00:08:59,293 --> 00:09:01,495 Says if we buy family-size instead of standard, 175 00:09:01,496 --> 00:09:03,530 We get a free drink with every pizza. 176 00:09:04,999 --> 00:09:07,368 I'm talking about the investigation 177 00:09:07,369 --> 00:09:09,370 - Into urban terrorism. - ( phone ringing ) 178 00:09:09,371 --> 00:09:13,173 - Gasforth police station. - I'll have you know, Grim, 179 00:09:13,174 --> 00:09:14,875 That we in the uniformed division 180 00:09:14,876 --> 00:09:17,544 Are also at the cutting edge of modern policing. 181 00:09:17,545 --> 00:09:19,279 Oh dear... 182 00:09:19,280 --> 00:09:21,147 Well, have you tried putting 183 00:09:21,148 --> 00:09:24,485 A saucer of milk at the bottom of the tree? 184 00:09:28,890 --> 00:09:32,493 Uh-huh. Well, how about shaking the branch? 185 00:09:33,895 --> 00:09:35,929 I'm off now, sir, good night. 186 00:09:35,930 --> 00:09:38,832 Oh, you look very splendid this evening, constable Habib. 187 00:09:38,833 --> 00:09:42,002 - Meeting someone special? - Perhaps, sir. 188 00:09:42,003 --> 00:09:43,737 I've met this fireman. 189 00:09:43,738 --> 00:09:45,739 Ahhhh! 190 00:09:47,442 --> 00:09:49,576 Are you ill, constable Goody? 191 00:09:49,577 --> 00:09:53,414 Oh no, sorry, sir. Touch of wind, I think. 192 00:09:53,415 --> 00:09:56,283 Well, I'm not surprised. You seem to exist entirely 193 00:09:56,284 --> 00:09:58,018 On fizzy drinks and crisps. 194 00:09:58,019 --> 00:10:00,987 I shudder to think of the state of your bowels. 195 00:10:02,089 --> 00:10:04,124 Now get on with your work. 196 00:10:05,259 --> 00:10:07,027 So a fireman, eh, constable? 197 00:10:07,028 --> 00:10:08,995 Well, I applaud your choice. 198 00:10:08,996 --> 00:10:11,632 A splendid body of public servants. 199 00:10:11,633 --> 00:10:15,536 I never cease to be thrilled when I attend the scene of a fire 200 00:10:15,537 --> 00:10:18,338 And amid all that fear and passion 201 00:10:18,339 --> 00:10:21,308 Some giant of a man emerges from the heat 202 00:10:21,309 --> 00:10:24,210 Carrying a helpless damsel in his arms, 203 00:10:24,211 --> 00:10:27,815 Laying her down, planting his mouth upon hers, 204 00:10:27,816 --> 00:10:30,551 And applying himself with rhythmic vigor 205 00:10:30,552 --> 00:10:35,121 Until she moans and gasps 206 00:10:35,122 --> 00:10:37,958 And then we know that all is well. 207 00:10:40,261 --> 00:10:42,429 Of course, nothing like that's going to happen 208 00:10:42,430 --> 00:10:43,730 On a pleasant evening out. 209 00:10:43,731 --> 00:10:47,100 Well, we live in hope, don't we, sir? 210 00:10:47,101 --> 00:10:48,869 Good night. 211 00:10:50,572 --> 00:10:52,205 Constable Goody, 212 00:10:52,206 --> 00:10:55,108 If I'd wanted a dead halibut for a colleague, 213 00:10:55,109 --> 00:10:57,611 I would have become a fishmonger. 214 00:11:00,014 --> 00:11:02,449 - Pat- - someone to see you, Maggie. 215 00:11:02,450 --> 00:11:04,718 Oh! Hello, Gary. 216 00:11:04,719 --> 00:11:07,454 Pat, this is Gary. His name's Gary. 217 00:11:07,455 --> 00:11:09,456 Habib- 218 00:11:09,457 --> 00:11:11,558 Oh... 219 00:11:11,559 --> 00:11:13,927 Hope I wasn't late. 220 00:11:13,928 --> 00:11:17,430 Had to rescue 16 children from a burning bedroom this afternoon. 221 00:11:17,431 --> 00:11:19,466 Gosh, Gary - amazing. 222 00:11:19,467 --> 00:11:22,235 Normally not a problem, but the stairwell was a furnace 223 00:11:22,236 --> 00:11:25,472 And I had to lower the kids down the outside wall using my braces. 224 00:11:25,473 --> 00:11:28,542 Gosh, Gary - amazing. 225 00:11:28,543 --> 00:11:30,243 The funny thing was that afterwards, 226 00:11:30,244 --> 00:11:32,746 While the terrified mother was thanking me brokenly, 227 00:11:32,747 --> 00:11:35,448 My trousers fell down. ( laughs ) 228 00:11:35,449 --> 00:11:39,820 Both: Gosh Gary - amazing. 229 00:11:39,821 --> 00:11:43,524 - Where's Kev? - I didn't mention it to him we were going out. 230 00:11:43,525 --> 00:11:46,159 You know, two's company and he's a berk. 231 00:11:47,261 --> 00:11:48,896 Hi, Kev. 232 00:11:48,897 --> 00:11:51,832 Fancy a pint? Or 10? 233 00:11:51,833 --> 00:11:53,567 - Well- - Habib: He doesn't want a drink. 234 00:11:53,568 --> 00:11:55,435 Come on, Gary, we should be going. 235 00:11:55,436 --> 00:11:57,671 Doesn't want a drink? Of course he wants a drink. 236 00:11:57,672 --> 00:11:59,506 He's a copper, isn't he? 237 00:11:59,507 --> 00:12:02,543 Oh, unless, of course, he's one of them whoopsies. 238 00:12:02,544 --> 00:12:04,044 One of those "fruit flavored, 239 00:12:04,045 --> 00:12:06,212 Water and a tub of cottage cheese" merchants. 240 00:12:07,649 --> 00:12:09,850 Actually, I'm very, very busy. 241 00:12:09,851 --> 00:12:11,618 Got a lot of important work to do here. 242 00:12:11,619 --> 00:12:14,120 I'm at the very cutting edge of modern policing, mate, 243 00:12:14,121 --> 00:12:17,223 And believe me, it's tough out on those mean streets, all right? 244 00:12:17,224 --> 00:12:19,693 Constable Goody, your duty report 245 00:12:19,694 --> 00:12:21,995 On this morning's tuck shop disturbances 246 00:12:21,996 --> 00:12:25,032 At "all saints infants" is a disgrace. 247 00:12:25,033 --> 00:12:26,567 There's an "h" in walnut whip, 248 00:12:26,568 --> 00:12:31,471 And "crunchie" is spelled with an "ie," not a "y." 249 00:12:31,472 --> 00:12:34,841 Sir, we've located mr.Bang-bang. We've traced his call. 250 00:12:34,842 --> 00:12:36,910 I hope you got telecom to chase the right line. 251 00:12:36,911 --> 00:12:40,547 I don't want to get special branch down to raid your kebab shop. 252 00:12:42,083 --> 00:12:43,984 Special branch, eh, Derek? 253 00:12:43,985 --> 00:12:45,953 Sounds exciting. 254 00:12:45,954 --> 00:12:50,256 - Perhaps I can help. - I don't think so, Raymond. 255 00:12:50,257 --> 00:12:52,059 Different disciplines, you see? 256 00:12:52,060 --> 00:12:54,861 Me, detective. You, plod. 257 00:12:56,530 --> 00:12:58,465 Quite frankly, covert operations 258 00:12:58,466 --> 00:13:00,433 Are tricky enough without uniforms 259 00:13:00,434 --> 00:13:04,104 Sticking their size-12 boots in and fannying about. 260 00:13:05,573 --> 00:13:07,941 Sorry, mate, but you do understand, don't you? 261 00:13:07,942 --> 00:13:10,376 Yes. I didn't really have time anyway. 262 00:13:10,377 --> 00:13:11,945 Lots to do, lots to do. 263 00:13:11,946 --> 00:13:14,881 Sir, I've got those doggy-doo details you asked for. 264 00:13:17,151 --> 00:13:19,720 Pavement fouling is really getting out of hand, sir. 265 00:13:19,721 --> 00:13:22,623 And personally, I think it's time we stamped on it. 266 00:13:25,627 --> 00:13:29,062 Oh thanks, Gary, it's been lovely. 267 00:13:29,063 --> 00:13:32,098 I think maybe I drank a bit too much. 268 00:13:32,099 --> 00:13:34,401 Now were you trying to get me tiddly? 269 00:13:34,402 --> 00:13:35,769 You don't have to try too hard 270 00:13:35,770 --> 00:13:38,572 With a girl who drinks tequila from the bottle. 271 00:13:38,573 --> 00:13:40,674 Yeah, sorry about that. 272 00:13:40,675 --> 00:13:44,010 - Right, I'll be off. - Oh, are you not coming in for a coffee? 273 00:13:44,011 --> 00:13:46,313 I've got a packet of condoms - I mean biscuits. 274 00:13:46,314 --> 00:13:50,150 - Oh, dear. - I best be off. 275 00:13:53,154 --> 00:13:55,989 I'll call round the station tomorrow, all right? 276 00:13:55,990 --> 00:13:57,624 - Yeah. - Bye. 277 00:13:57,625 --> 00:13:59,760 See ya. 278 00:13:59,761 --> 00:14:03,196 ( garbage cans clattering ) 279 00:14:03,197 --> 00:14:06,232 I was that rat-faced. I waved goodbye, 280 00:14:06,233 --> 00:14:07,801 Went bum-up over the privet, 281 00:14:07,802 --> 00:14:11,137 And flashed my frillies at the dirty-curtain twitcher in number 29. 282 00:14:11,138 --> 00:14:12,806 Sounds like a big night. 283 00:14:12,807 --> 00:14:14,741 Is there anything you woke up regretting? 284 00:14:14,742 --> 00:14:16,876 Yeah, that I didn't shag him. 285 00:14:21,115 --> 00:14:24,351 Do you always do it on a first date? 286 00:14:24,352 --> 00:14:26,886 Well, of course not, obviously. 287 00:14:26,887 --> 00:14:29,690 But he's so gorgeous, Pat, and really handsome. 288 00:14:29,691 --> 00:14:31,291 Oh, he looks great in his helmet. 289 00:14:31,292 --> 00:14:34,060 I'm surprised they can find one big enough to fit him. 290 00:14:34,061 --> 00:14:36,596 Oh, you've got him all wrong, Pat. He's lovely. 291 00:14:36,597 --> 00:14:39,199 I mean, all right, he's a bit full of himself. 292 00:14:39,200 --> 00:14:41,635 But he's a decent bloke. I mean, last night, 293 00:14:41,636 --> 00:14:43,603 I was offering it on a plate. 294 00:14:43,604 --> 00:14:46,105 But I was drunk and he didn't take advantage. 295 00:14:46,106 --> 00:14:48,542 I mean, how many blokes at the end of an evening 296 00:14:48,543 --> 00:14:51,611 Would leave you alone like that? Not even try for a kiss? 297 00:14:51,612 --> 00:14:53,814 Morning, everyone. 298 00:14:58,720 --> 00:15:00,420 Everything's coming together, sir. 299 00:15:00,421 --> 00:15:02,188 We've got a surveillance team in place 300 00:15:02,189 --> 00:15:04,491 And special branch have taken their position. 301 00:15:04,492 --> 00:15:06,192 Christ, I haven't been so excited 302 00:15:06,193 --> 00:15:09,830 Since they introduced the american-style siren. 303 00:15:09,831 --> 00:15:12,899 - Morning, morning. - Morning, sir. 304 00:15:12,900 --> 00:15:15,034 Another day dawns in our ceaseless battle 305 00:15:15,035 --> 00:15:17,237 With the forces of anarchy and chaos. 306 00:15:20,808 --> 00:15:22,809 There's a helmet on my hook. 307 00:15:24,144 --> 00:15:26,446 Somebody's put a helmet on my special hook. 308 00:15:26,447 --> 00:15:29,449 Sorry, sir, wasn't thinking. 309 00:15:29,450 --> 00:15:32,586 You're a police officer. You should be thinking all the time. 310 00:15:32,587 --> 00:15:34,521 Supposing the forces of anarchy and chaos 311 00:15:34,522 --> 00:15:38,024 Had turned up while you weren't thinking? 312 00:15:38,025 --> 00:15:40,694 They'd have thought it was christmas, wouldn't they? 313 00:15:40,695 --> 00:15:43,463 - Yes, I suppose so, sir. - You suppose right, sir. 314 00:15:43,464 --> 00:15:47,233 A policeman's hat is not something to be hurled about willy-nilly. 315 00:15:47,234 --> 00:15:50,003 It's his crowning glory. 316 00:15:50,004 --> 00:15:52,873 On personal loan, I might add, from the queen. 317 00:15:52,874 --> 00:15:55,542 Go on. 318 00:15:55,543 --> 00:15:57,243 It must be cosseted and cared for, 319 00:15:57,244 --> 00:16:00,380 The badge polished and the fabric brushed. 320 00:16:00,381 --> 00:16:02,582 I take my hat very seriously, 321 00:16:02,583 --> 00:16:04,918 Likewise my hat hook. 322 00:16:06,421 --> 00:16:08,822 May I have a word with you and your men, Raymond? 323 00:16:08,823 --> 00:16:10,857 By all means. I'm always keen to encourage 324 00:16:10,858 --> 00:16:12,492 Interdepartmental communication. 325 00:16:12,493 --> 00:16:13,660 Thank you very much. 326 00:16:15,362 --> 00:16:17,531 This afternoon 327 00:16:17,532 --> 00:16:20,066 Officers from this station, 328 00:16:20,067 --> 00:16:22,502 C.I.D. Officers... 329 00:16:22,503 --> 00:16:25,204 Led by detective inspector Grim, 330 00:16:25,205 --> 00:16:27,741 i.e. Me, 331 00:16:27,742 --> 00:16:30,076 Will deploy ourselves operationally 332 00:16:30,077 --> 00:16:32,813 In a suspect-arrest scenario, 333 00:16:32,814 --> 00:16:35,715 Vis-à-vis and à propos of 334 00:16:35,716 --> 00:16:37,617 A terrorism containment action 335 00:16:37,618 --> 00:16:40,787 In conjunction with operatives- 336 00:16:40,788 --> 00:16:43,557 Operatives and personnel from special forces. 337 00:16:44,826 --> 00:16:47,794 And for those english speakers amongst us? 338 00:16:49,296 --> 00:16:52,966 Me and special branch are gonna nick a mad bomber. 339 00:16:52,967 --> 00:16:55,969 Right, that is all. Kray, Crockett, follow me. 340 00:17:00,074 --> 00:17:03,577 We can only hope their endeavors are crowned with success. 341 00:17:07,081 --> 00:17:10,149 There was a time when I was destined for special branch, you know. 342 00:17:10,150 --> 00:17:13,720 Oh yes, that was very much what my instructors at Hendon 343 00:17:13,721 --> 00:17:15,221 Had in mind for me. 344 00:17:15,222 --> 00:17:18,124 The drug war, counterterrorism, that sort of thing. 345 00:17:18,125 --> 00:17:19,860 Ooh, what happened, inspector? 346 00:17:19,861 --> 00:17:21,595 What happened, Goody? 347 00:17:21,596 --> 00:17:23,630 A little thing called ordinary policing, 348 00:17:23,631 --> 00:17:25,164 That's what happened. 349 00:17:25,165 --> 00:17:27,333 A little thing called the day-to-day business 350 00:17:27,334 --> 00:17:31,304 Of protecting the public and keeping her majesty's peace. 351 00:17:31,305 --> 00:17:33,139 Not glamorous, I dare say, 352 00:17:33,140 --> 00:17:36,776 Not sexy. 353 00:17:36,777 --> 00:17:38,812 But what we do at this station every day 354 00:17:38,813 --> 00:17:41,414 Is every bit as important as preventing a bomb attack. 355 00:17:41,415 --> 00:17:43,717 We're all part of the thin blue line, 356 00:17:43,718 --> 00:17:45,218 Isn't that right, inspector? 357 00:17:46,253 --> 00:17:48,321 That's right, Goody. 358 00:17:48,322 --> 00:17:51,424 The only difference being that your bit of the thin blue line 359 00:17:51,425 --> 00:17:52,859 Is slightly thicker. 360 00:17:57,565 --> 00:17:59,633 Well, Kray, this is it- 361 00:17:59,634 --> 00:18:02,035 A terrorist containment operation. 362 00:18:03,771 --> 00:18:05,705 Kray- 363 00:18:05,706 --> 00:18:07,774 Robert, 364 00:18:07,775 --> 00:18:10,644 If I don't come back, I want you to go to my wife 365 00:18:10,645 --> 00:18:14,213 And see that she wants for nothing. 366 00:18:14,214 --> 00:18:16,349 What, do you mean give her one? 367 00:18:16,350 --> 00:18:19,653 No, I don't mean give her one. 368 00:18:19,654 --> 00:18:21,721 Just tell her- 369 00:18:21,722 --> 00:18:23,757 Just tell her I love her. 370 00:18:23,758 --> 00:18:24,991 You sure, sir? 371 00:18:24,992 --> 00:18:26,927 I ain't the most delicate of geezers, am I? 372 00:18:26,928 --> 00:18:28,628 We're partners, Robert, 373 00:18:28,629 --> 00:18:31,865 Like Starsky and Hutch or- 374 00:18:32,900 --> 00:18:34,233 Or Peters and Lee. 375 00:18:36,537 --> 00:18:38,838 Is there any last thing you want? 376 00:18:38,839 --> 00:18:41,374 - I mean, if you- - I've got a couple of videos out, sir. 377 00:18:41,375 --> 00:18:44,143 You could take 'em back for me. 378 00:18:46,847 --> 00:18:48,848 ( sighs ) 379 00:18:48,849 --> 00:18:51,651 Wonder how they're getting on with special branch. 380 00:18:51,652 --> 00:18:53,419 Wish I was there. 381 00:18:53,420 --> 00:18:55,288 Nevermind about special branch, laddie, 382 00:18:55,289 --> 00:18:57,123 We've got a lot of important work here. 383 00:18:57,124 --> 00:18:58,925 Interesting case here, sir. 384 00:18:58,926 --> 00:19:01,427 Woman in Gallipoli close reckons the bloke opposite 385 00:19:01,428 --> 00:19:04,363 Has trimmed his hedge into the shape of a bottom. 386 00:19:06,366 --> 00:19:08,835 He says it's a peach. 387 00:19:08,836 --> 00:19:11,738 - Yes, thank you, Gladstone- - sir, sir! 388 00:19:11,739 --> 00:19:14,140 We can listen to Grim's terrorist raid on the radio. 389 00:19:14,141 --> 00:19:15,875 - It's brilliant. - Grim: Go, go, go, go! 390 00:19:15,876 --> 00:19:17,744 Turn that off, boy, it's none of our business. 391 00:19:17,745 --> 00:19:19,613 We have plenty of work to do here, 392 00:19:19,614 --> 00:19:21,581 Work that is every bit as important 393 00:19:21,582 --> 00:19:23,382 As any performed by special branch. 394 00:19:23,383 --> 00:19:26,319 Today's criminal, no matter how lowly, 395 00:19:26,320 --> 00:19:30,023 Is sophisticated, high-tech and computer literate- 396 00:19:30,024 --> 00:19:32,092 A cunning and complex foe. 397 00:19:32,093 --> 00:19:33,493 ( burps ) 398 00:19:34,695 --> 00:19:36,896 I have the right to a lawyer and a bucket. 399 00:19:36,897 --> 00:19:39,666 Heavens. Quick, Goody, get the man something to be sick into, 400 00:19:39,667 --> 00:19:41,635 Before he does it on my desk. 401 00:19:47,675 --> 00:19:50,043 Oh, no! 402 00:19:50,044 --> 00:19:53,546 - Sorry, sir, I'll try and clean it up. - Leave it, leave it! 403 00:19:53,547 --> 00:19:57,383 At lunchtime you'll take that to be dry cleaned at your own expense. 404 00:19:57,384 --> 00:19:59,986 - You, come with me. - ( groans ) 405 00:20:03,423 --> 00:20:04,958 Sergeant Dawkins, 406 00:20:04,959 --> 00:20:07,426 Why was this inebriate allowed past the front desk? 407 00:20:07,427 --> 00:20:09,729 'cause he's a sad, useless excuse for a man. 408 00:20:09,730 --> 00:20:11,097 I thought you might get on. 409 00:20:13,534 --> 00:20:15,735 Look, we've been through this. 410 00:20:15,736 --> 00:20:17,871 I had a neighborhood watch meeting last night, 411 00:20:17,872 --> 00:20:20,807 - I was extremely tired. - You're extremely tired every night. 412 00:20:20,808 --> 00:20:23,143 Look, I'm sorry, but I am what I am. 413 00:20:23,144 --> 00:20:26,479 I'm not a sex machine, 414 00:20:26,480 --> 00:20:30,650 And I cannot be expected to make love willy-nilly every fortnight. 415 00:20:33,287 --> 00:20:36,555 The operation was a complete success. 416 00:20:36,556 --> 00:20:38,557 Ahhh! 417 00:20:38,558 --> 00:20:41,127 Vis-à-vis and à propos of our objectives. 418 00:20:41,128 --> 00:20:43,429 They're bringing the prisoner in now. 419 00:20:43,430 --> 00:20:46,532 What's more, he's in the charge 420 00:20:46,533 --> 00:20:48,667 Of a commander of special branch. 421 00:20:48,668 --> 00:20:51,237 A commander of special branch? 422 00:20:51,238 --> 00:20:53,539 - In our station? - Oh, yes. 423 00:20:53,540 --> 00:20:56,809 And he's asking to speak to the uniformed officer commanding. 424 00:20:56,810 --> 00:20:59,345 Well, we must find him immediately. 425 00:20:59,346 --> 00:21:02,015 B-b-b-b-but that's me. 426 00:21:02,016 --> 00:21:04,483 That's me. 427 00:21:08,522 --> 00:21:11,690 I'm about to greet an extremely senior colleague. 428 00:21:11,691 --> 00:21:14,093 - How do I look? Smart? - Very smart, sir. 429 00:21:14,094 --> 00:21:17,263 Good. Don't want these Scotland Yard wallahs looking down on us. 430 00:21:17,264 --> 00:21:21,000 - I must look my absolute best. - ( squishes ) 431 00:21:24,338 --> 00:21:26,239 Oh my god, my hat's full of sick. 432 00:21:33,414 --> 00:21:35,915 Jam it down, sir. Jam it down. 433 00:21:35,916 --> 00:21:38,318 If you don't take it off, you'll be fine. 434 00:21:48,829 --> 00:21:51,530 Good afternoon, commander. I'm awfully sorry to keep you. 435 00:21:51,531 --> 00:21:54,733 Inspector Fowler, I presume. 436 00:21:54,734 --> 00:21:57,003 Commander Crow, special branch. 437 00:21:58,305 --> 00:22:00,373 What's the matter? Don't you remove your hat 438 00:22:00,374 --> 00:22:01,874 When addressing a senior officer?! 439 00:22:05,179 --> 00:22:07,080 No, sir... 440 00:22:07,081 --> 00:22:09,582 I am a Sikh. 441 00:22:15,456 --> 00:22:18,424 I am forbidden to bare my head. 442 00:22:18,425 --> 00:22:22,828 I see. Well, no disrespect intended. 443 00:22:22,829 --> 00:22:26,299 Now, look here, your colleague inspector Grim here 444 00:22:26,300 --> 00:22:28,601 Has pulled off a superb piece of work. 445 00:22:28,602 --> 00:22:32,872 He has located a man he strongly suspects of being a terrorist, 446 00:22:32,873 --> 00:22:34,707 And what we require from you, Fowler, 447 00:22:34,708 --> 00:22:36,142 Is the use of your facilities. 448 00:22:36,143 --> 00:22:39,245 I see. Well, that'll be a pleasure, sir. 449 00:22:39,246 --> 00:22:41,180 It's second on the left, 450 00:22:41,181 --> 00:22:43,383 And you're very welcome to use the liquid soap 451 00:22:43,384 --> 00:22:46,552 Marked "Fowler's, keep off." 452 00:22:46,553 --> 00:22:49,489 Not those facilities you bonehead, the cells. 453 00:22:49,490 --> 00:22:52,458 Of course, I understand. 454 00:22:52,459 --> 00:22:55,594 - Let me show you, sir. - Your prisoner, detective inspector Grim. 455 00:22:55,595 --> 00:22:58,531 Thank you, sir. 456 00:22:58,532 --> 00:23:00,199 Oh yes, Fowler- 457 00:23:00,200 --> 00:23:02,268 There is one thing you can do. 458 00:23:02,269 --> 00:23:04,370 - Sir. - Get your uniform dry cleaned, 459 00:23:04,371 --> 00:23:07,407 It smells like a drunk's thrown up in your hat. 460 00:23:10,344 --> 00:23:13,746 So, fancy a drink after work then? 461 00:23:13,747 --> 00:23:16,049 Sorry, Kevin, I'm going out with Gary. 462 00:23:16,050 --> 00:23:18,184 He doesn't like you for yourself, you know. 463 00:23:18,185 --> 00:23:20,953 - He's only interested in one thing. - You're wrong there. 464 00:23:20,954 --> 00:23:23,956 He's a nice bloke. He's even nice about you, as it happens. 465 00:23:23,957 --> 00:23:25,658 He says we should take you out with us. 466 00:23:25,659 --> 00:23:28,428 I said forget it. I'm not having you hanging about 467 00:23:28,429 --> 00:23:30,029 Like the last turkey in the shop. 468 00:23:33,233 --> 00:23:34,700 Please, don't bother to knock. 469 00:23:34,701 --> 00:23:36,936 Sometimes formalities have to take second place 470 00:23:36,937 --> 00:23:39,372 To the urgent business of counterterrorism, Fowler. 471 00:23:39,373 --> 00:23:42,641 I should count myself lucky you didn't come in through the window. 472 00:23:45,512 --> 00:23:47,280 Grim, you don't smoke. 473 00:23:47,281 --> 00:23:50,950 Oh yes I do, sometimes. I smoke sometimes, certainly. 474 00:23:52,486 --> 00:23:55,688 Right - MI6 will be arriving shortly 475 00:23:55,689 --> 00:23:57,090 To interrogate the prisoner. 476 00:23:57,091 --> 00:24:00,193 I'm leaving you in charge till I get back. 477 00:24:00,194 --> 00:24:04,297 I'm going into town to buy a leather jacket. 478 00:24:04,298 --> 00:24:06,299 Sir - excuse me. 479 00:24:06,300 --> 00:24:08,000 The lady from the latimer estate 480 00:24:08,001 --> 00:24:10,002 Neighborhood watch scheme to see you. 481 00:24:10,003 --> 00:24:13,106 Dear, oh dear, Raymond, I don't know how you stand the pace, 482 00:24:13,107 --> 00:24:16,242 You should slow down. ( coughs ) 483 00:24:16,243 --> 00:24:17,977 You'll do yourself a mischief. 484 00:24:19,513 --> 00:24:21,981 You asked us to report anything unusual going on, 485 00:24:21,982 --> 00:24:24,650 And I think gangs of coppers with guns 486 00:24:24,651 --> 00:24:28,054 Running all over Mr. Dibley's petunias is unusual. 487 00:24:28,055 --> 00:24:30,756 And of course you're absolutely right, Mrs. Rabbit. 488 00:24:30,757 --> 00:24:33,659 However, I can assure you that special branch 489 00:24:33,660 --> 00:24:36,229 Had very good reasons indeed for making the arrest. 490 00:24:36,230 --> 00:24:38,697 I know all about what mr. Dibley's been up to. 491 00:24:38,698 --> 00:24:41,467 - You do? - Oh yes. He told me. 492 00:24:41,468 --> 00:24:43,836 He's always going on about the crimes he's done, 493 00:24:43,837 --> 00:24:45,704 Always boasting about them. 494 00:24:45,705 --> 00:24:48,307 Of course, we all thought it was lies. 495 00:24:48,308 --> 00:24:50,910 I was amazed when all those coppers turned up. 496 00:24:52,979 --> 00:24:54,980 You poor bloody fool. 497 00:24:54,981 --> 00:24:58,284 You don't know what you've caught here, do you? Name a crime. 498 00:24:58,285 --> 00:25:01,187 You're arrested on suspicion of planning terrorism. 499 00:25:01,188 --> 00:25:03,122 That was just kids stuff. Name another. 500 00:25:03,123 --> 00:25:05,458 The great train robbery? 501 00:25:05,459 --> 00:25:08,861 Oh, you're smarter than what I thought, copper. 502 00:25:08,862 --> 00:25:11,264 Yeah, that was one of mine. Go on, give us another one. 503 00:25:11,265 --> 00:25:13,299 The assassination of president Kennedy? 504 00:25:13,300 --> 00:25:15,268 Me again. Pow. ( laughs ) 505 00:25:15,269 --> 00:25:17,270 Thank you, mr. Dibley, that'll be all. 506 00:25:17,271 --> 00:25:18,938 No, I got a lot more to talk about yet. 507 00:25:18,939 --> 00:25:20,440 Do you know that second world war? 508 00:25:20,441 --> 00:25:23,476 I started that! 509 00:25:23,477 --> 00:25:25,778 All I can say, Fowler, is you have saved me 510 00:25:25,779 --> 00:25:28,548 From complete and utter ridicule. 511 00:25:28,549 --> 00:25:31,951 If you had not uncovered the fact that our terrorist 512 00:25:31,952 --> 00:25:34,587 Was one of these insane hoaxes, 513 00:25:34,588 --> 00:25:37,890 I could well have ended up looking like a beautifully uniformed turd. 514 00:25:37,891 --> 00:25:40,259 Yes, I can imagine 515 00:25:40,260 --> 00:25:42,061 The director of public prosecutions 516 00:25:42,062 --> 00:25:44,630 Picking one or two holes in the confessions of a man 517 00:25:44,631 --> 00:25:47,100 Who claims to have decapitated Charles I. 518 00:25:48,802 --> 00:25:50,836 As for you, Grim, 519 00:25:50,837 --> 00:25:53,172 You are a disgrace to the service 520 00:25:53,173 --> 00:25:56,842 And I hope I never set eyes on your fatuous features ever again. 521 00:25:56,843 --> 00:25:58,911 Does that mean that perhaps you won't 522 00:25:58,912 --> 00:26:01,247 Be recommending me to join special branch, sir? 523 00:26:01,248 --> 00:26:04,016 That is the first correct deduction you have made 524 00:26:04,017 --> 00:26:05,218 Since joining the force. 525 00:26:05,219 --> 00:26:06,652 Congratulations. 526 00:26:09,789 --> 00:26:12,024 I hope you kept the receipt for the jacket. 527 00:26:13,693 --> 00:26:15,595 Frankly, Maggie, after what you told me 528 00:26:15,596 --> 00:26:17,062 About last night's performance 529 00:26:17,063 --> 00:26:19,298 I'd be surprised if he turns up at all. 530 00:26:19,299 --> 00:26:21,834 Hi, babe. Sorry I'm late. 531 00:26:21,835 --> 00:26:25,371 Tough day. Had to save some nuns from a burning convent. 532 00:26:25,372 --> 00:26:27,706 Gosh, Gary, you're so amazing. 533 00:26:27,707 --> 00:26:29,675 I told those nuns, "don't play with candles 534 00:26:29,676 --> 00:26:32,111 'cause I won't always be there to put out the fire." 535 00:26:33,580 --> 00:26:36,115 You know, Kev, that uniform really suits you. 536 00:26:38,051 --> 00:26:40,386 Yes, well, anyway, so Gary- 537 00:26:40,387 --> 00:26:43,756 - Where're you gonna take me? - I thought Kev might know a decent boozer. 538 00:26:43,757 --> 00:26:45,824 You know, a real "ladsy" place. 539 00:26:45,825 --> 00:26:47,493 How about it, mate, can I buy you a pint? 540 00:26:47,494 --> 00:26:49,695 - Well- - he's not thirsty! 541 00:26:49,696 --> 00:26:53,166 Maggie, that's the terrorist! 542 00:26:53,167 --> 00:26:56,135 That's right, so nobody move. 543 00:26:56,136 --> 00:26:59,038 I'm armed and I'm dangerous. 544 00:26:59,039 --> 00:27:00,873 And I'm gonna take a hostage. 545 00:27:00,874 --> 00:27:03,609 - Who's it gonna be? - Take me. 546 00:27:03,610 --> 00:27:06,345 No, Maggie, you're too beautiful to die, take me. 547 00:27:06,346 --> 00:27:09,682 No, Kev, you're too beautiful to die. Take me. 548 00:27:14,588 --> 00:27:16,222 What is going on here? 549 00:27:16,223 --> 00:27:18,424 Watch out, Raymond, it's the terrorist. He's armed. 550 00:27:18,425 --> 00:27:20,159 I appreciate your concern, Patricia, 551 00:27:20,160 --> 00:27:21,827 But this man is no more a terrorist 552 00:27:21,828 --> 00:27:24,263 Than I am Joanna Lumley. 553 00:27:24,264 --> 00:27:26,865 He is, in fact, a looney. 554 00:27:29,369 --> 00:27:30,636 Now get out. 555 00:27:30,637 --> 00:27:32,871 And if I ever catch you lying to the police again, 556 00:27:32,872 --> 00:27:34,907 It'll be wormwood scrubs for you. 557 00:27:34,908 --> 00:27:38,711 Prison can't hold the birdman. 558 00:27:38,712 --> 00:27:40,546 Go away. 559 00:27:43,917 --> 00:27:47,353 I think you might've told me you were gay. 560 00:27:47,354 --> 00:27:49,822 You must've known I liked you. 561 00:27:49,823 --> 00:27:52,258 Exactly. I thought we were friends. 562 00:27:52,259 --> 00:27:54,260 But it turns out you're only after one thing. 563 00:27:54,261 --> 00:27:56,929 And you aren't interested physically in girls at all? 564 00:27:56,930 --> 00:27:59,031 Not interested? Not capable. 565 00:27:59,032 --> 00:28:01,601 Not even if I put it in a splint. 566 00:28:02,703 --> 00:28:04,537 So you fancy Kevin, 567 00:28:04,538 --> 00:28:06,772 Kevin fancies me, 568 00:28:06,773 --> 00:28:07,973 And I fancy you. 569 00:28:11,010 --> 00:28:13,646 I'll go and get the dominoes, shall I? 570 00:28:15,915 --> 00:28:17,783 ( theme music playing ) 9999 00:00:0,500 --> 00:00:2,00 www.tvsubtitles.net