1
00:00:02,902 --> 00:00:06,071
( theme music playing )

2
00:00:38,070 --> 00:00:41,039
You promise you won't forget
to go to the bank at lunchtime?

3
00:00:41,040 --> 00:00:42,173
No, I won't, Patricia.

4
00:00:42,174 --> 00:00:44,442
Of course, it would be
more convenient to go now.

5
00:00:44,443 --> 00:00:46,812
And for that very reason,
the bank is closed,

6
00:00:46,813 --> 00:00:48,780
It being the principle
of British banking

7
00:00:48,781 --> 00:00:50,983
That the customer must
be avoided at all costs.

8
00:00:50,984 --> 00:00:54,553
( whooping, yelling )
Wah-hoo! Ah-hah!

9
00:00:54,554 --> 00:00:57,589
Great thundering trumpets!
Has the world run mad?

10
00:00:57,590 --> 00:01:00,893
Rag week, Raymond. Just
students having a laugh.

11
00:01:00,894 --> 00:01:03,461
When I was at college I suffered
from the curious delusion

12
00:01:03,462 --> 00:01:05,196
That I was there to study.

13
00:01:05,197 --> 00:01:07,132
Oh, well, I suppose
we were all young once.

14
00:01:07,133 --> 00:01:11,102
Not you, Raymond. You
were born middle-aged.

15
00:01:11,103 --> 00:01:13,238
It's kind of you to say so, Patricia.

16
00:01:13,239 --> 00:01:15,574
I've always attempted to
maintain a mature outlook,

17
00:01:15,575 --> 00:01:18,309
But I cannot deny that
there have been lapses.

18
00:01:19,478 --> 00:01:22,648
I once possessed... A whoopee cushion.

19
00:01:23,650 --> 00:01:25,817
I never deployed it, of course,

20
00:01:25,818 --> 00:01:28,053
The capacity was there.

21
00:01:32,592 --> 00:01:35,093
I really don't think
you're being fair, Patricia.

22
00:01:35,094 --> 00:01:37,863
We have lots of fun together.

23
00:01:37,864 --> 00:01:41,600
What about last night?
Flagellation on top of fornication.

24
00:01:41,601 --> 00:01:43,435
You don't often get that.

25
00:01:43,436 --> 00:01:45,336
It was boring!

26
00:01:45,337 --> 00:01:47,973
It was the best "scrabble"
score I've ever had.

27
00:01:47,974 --> 00:01:51,710
Just don't forget to go
to the bank at lunchtime.

28
00:01:51,711 --> 00:01:54,279
Morning, Pat.

29
00:01:54,280 --> 00:01:56,848
- You all right? - Oh, it's
Raymond. He's getting worse.

30
00:01:56,849 --> 00:01:59,985
Do you know, last week I
found him in bed with a model?

31
00:01:59,986 --> 00:02:04,222
- No. - We've still got bits of
balsa wood stuck to the duvet.

32
00:02:04,223 --> 00:02:08,026
"juvenile," "juvenile," "juvenile."

33
00:02:08,027 --> 00:02:10,028
More juvenile, sir.

34
00:02:10,029 --> 00:02:11,930
Just once in a while,

35
00:02:11,931 --> 00:02:14,833
I'd like to nick someone
whose balls have dropped!

36
00:02:16,569 --> 00:02:19,137
And where are the real crimes, eh?

37
00:02:19,138 --> 00:02:21,773
The terrorism, the bank jobs-

38
00:02:21,774 --> 00:02:25,677
I had such exciting dreams, Kray.

39
00:02:25,678 --> 00:02:28,013
Yeah, I get them, sir.

40
00:02:28,014 --> 00:02:31,083
Rubber waders and a boat hook.
You don't half wake up sweating.

41
00:02:32,819 --> 00:02:36,287
Yes - rag week, ladies and
gentlemen, is upon us again.

42
00:02:36,288 --> 00:02:39,324
Come on, come on, sit down.

43
00:02:39,325 --> 00:02:42,060
And the question that every policeman-

44
00:02:42,061 --> 00:02:46,397
Or indeed, police person-

45
00:02:46,398 --> 00:02:48,433
Must ask himself-

46
00:02:48,434 --> 00:02:51,269
Or indeed...

47
00:02:53,372 --> 00:02:56,207
Itself...

48
00:02:56,208 --> 00:02:57,943
Is "how are we to deal

49
00:02:57,944 --> 00:03:00,545
With the inevitable
juvenile excesses to come?"

50
00:03:00,546 --> 00:03:03,448
- Constable Goody?
- Um...

51
00:03:06,152 --> 00:03:09,087
Well, it depends, doesn't it, sir?

52
00:03:09,088 --> 00:03:11,690
I mean, not all excesses are the same.

53
00:03:11,691 --> 00:03:14,860
Are we talking plain excesses,

54
00:03:14,861 --> 00:03:17,829
Or excessive excesses?

55
00:03:17,830 --> 00:03:20,932
Well, I think by definition,
excesses are excessive,

56
00:03:20,933 --> 00:03:23,035
Or they wouldn't be
excesses, would they?

57
00:03:23,036 --> 00:03:26,204
Is this one of those brain teasers

58
00:03:26,205 --> 00:03:29,941
Where Cleopatra turns
out to be a goldfish?

59
00:03:29,942 --> 00:03:31,710
Concentrate, laddie, concentrate.

60
00:03:31,711 --> 00:03:34,312
Because believe or it not,
you did make a valid point.

61
00:03:35,815 --> 00:03:38,650
One must, of course, judge
each case on its merits.

62
00:03:38,651 --> 00:03:40,986
I do not wish to have
my officers accused

63
00:03:40,987 --> 00:03:43,454
Of being excessive in
their treatment of excesses,

64
00:03:43,455 --> 00:03:47,592
Especially if those excesses
are not particularly excessive.

65
00:03:47,593 --> 00:03:50,028
So on the whole, what I
think we are discussing here

66
00:03:50,029 --> 00:03:52,363
Are excessive excesses.

67
00:03:52,364 --> 00:03:54,365
Is that clear?

68
00:03:54,366 --> 00:03:56,501
No.

69
00:03:56,502 --> 00:03:59,004
But keep going, sir. I
expect we'll catch up.

70
00:03:59,005 --> 00:04:02,307
A decent crime, that's
all I'm asking for.

71
00:04:02,308 --> 00:04:05,010
We used to get them every day.

72
00:04:05,011 --> 00:04:07,913
This neighborhood's
really gone downhill.

73
00:04:07,914 --> 00:04:09,981
This just came through, sir.

74
00:04:09,982 --> 00:04:12,718
Looks very tasty, very naughty.

75
00:04:12,719 --> 00:04:14,820
This is it!

76
00:04:14,821 --> 00:04:16,688
Crockett, I need profiles

77
00:04:16,689 --> 00:04:18,924
On all known terrorists
in the southeast.

78
00:04:18,925 --> 00:04:22,861
Kray, phone the home office,
phone the armed response unit.

79
00:04:22,862 --> 00:04:25,197
Get me a tea
- milk, four sugars.

80
00:04:25,198 --> 00:04:27,032
- In what order, sir?
- Blimey, Kray,

81
00:04:27,033 --> 00:04:28,333
Where were you dragged up?

82
00:04:28,334 --> 00:04:30,802
Milk in first, tea next, sugar last.

83
00:04:32,171 --> 00:04:36,208
So... What excesses may
we expect to encounter

84
00:04:36,209 --> 00:04:37,909
And how are we best to deal with them?

85
00:04:37,910 --> 00:04:41,947
What about a student rugby club
sing along and trouser-dropping?

86
00:04:41,948 --> 00:04:44,349
- How do we deal with that?
- Hmm.

87
00:04:44,350 --> 00:04:46,151
Good question.

88
00:04:46,152 --> 00:04:48,553
Well, if at all possible,
exercise tolerance-

89
00:04:48,554 --> 00:04:51,256
The police officer's secret weapon.

90
00:04:51,257 --> 00:04:52,858
But never forget that if you arrest

91
00:04:52,859 --> 00:04:55,393
A college rugby team for
using obscene language,

92
00:04:55,394 --> 00:04:58,296
At some point you'll
find yourself in court

93
00:04:58,297 --> 00:05:01,299
Having to recite the lyrics
of "the good ship venus."

94
00:05:01,300 --> 00:05:04,002
- Surely not, sir.
- Oh, yes.

95
00:05:04,003 --> 00:05:06,004
Defense briefs are ruthless.

96
00:05:06,005 --> 00:05:10,308
They will say to you, "exactly
what did my client suggest

97
00:05:10,309 --> 00:05:13,678
That the figurehead was sucking?"

98
00:05:13,679 --> 00:05:15,814
And if you do not answer
in a loud, clear voice,

99
00:05:15,815 --> 00:05:19,084
- They will claim you are unsure
of your facts. - Answer what, sir?

100
00:05:20,319 --> 00:05:22,553
( stammers )

101
00:05:22,554 --> 00:05:25,390
An external organ of the male anatomy.

102
00:05:25,391 --> 00:05:27,926
That doesn't rhyme with "venus."

103
00:05:28,928 --> 00:05:31,262
May I have a word, Raymond?

104
00:05:31,263 --> 00:05:33,498
A matter of extreme urgency has arisen.

105
00:05:33,499 --> 00:05:35,099
I want to bring you up to speed,

106
00:05:35,100 --> 00:05:37,068
Because you and your
officers may possibly

107
00:05:37,069 --> 00:05:39,270
Be able to assist in a minor capacity

108
00:05:39,271 --> 00:05:41,540
At some hypothetical later stage,

109
00:05:41,541 --> 00:05:42,741
Although I doubt it.

110
00:05:42,742 --> 00:05:45,911
And only if I let you,
which I probably won't.

111
00:05:45,912 --> 00:05:47,445
Anything we can do to help, Derek.

112
00:05:47,446 --> 00:05:50,314
Perhaps we could all club together
and buy you a straitjacket.

113
00:05:51,717 --> 00:05:54,218
Now this has just arrived.
I think it's genuine.

114
00:05:57,222 --> 00:05:58,757
"We, the st. Neduts,

115
00:05:58,758 --> 00:06:01,125
Demand freedom and political autonomy

116
00:06:01,126 --> 00:06:03,695
For our sovereign state of Egelloc."

117
00:06:03,696 --> 00:06:07,866
My guess is some form of
gaelic or celtic separatism.

118
00:06:07,867 --> 00:06:11,436
And my guess is some form of
brain-from-body separatism.

119
00:06:11,437 --> 00:06:14,372
This is clearly the
work of a wild lunatic.

120
00:06:14,373 --> 00:06:16,875
Exactly. Have you ever been to Wales?

121
00:06:16,876 --> 00:06:20,211
As for the Scots, if your
national dish is a sheep's stomach,

122
00:06:20,212 --> 00:06:22,280
You're gonna be bitter, aren't you?

123
00:06:22,281 --> 00:06:25,516
Of course, it could be the
Cornish. They're bloody strange.

124
00:06:25,517 --> 00:06:28,453
- And the Geordies- - so at
present you suspect anyone

125
00:06:28,454 --> 00:06:32,323
Who doesn't live within 10
miles of the Thames estuary?

126
00:06:32,324 --> 00:06:34,659
Sir, I'm probably completely wrong,

127
00:06:34,660 --> 00:06:37,395
But "egelloc" sounds a bit anglo-saxon,

128
00:06:37,396 --> 00:06:39,798
Maybe something to do
with the arthurian legends.

129
00:06:39,799 --> 00:06:41,800
Well done, constable.

130
00:06:41,801 --> 00:06:44,202
You got a good little brain there.

131
00:06:44,203 --> 00:06:46,237
Bit of training, we might
make you a detective.

132
00:06:46,238 --> 00:06:48,339
Oh, I don't think so, sir.

133
00:06:48,340 --> 00:06:50,408
I haven't got the skills, you see?

134
00:06:50,409 --> 00:06:53,377
- For one thing, I can't talk out
of my- - yes, thank you, Habib.

135
00:06:54,880 --> 00:06:57,482
Surely you're not suggesting
we take this note seriously?

136
00:06:57,483 --> 00:07:00,518
I take all threats of
terrorist activity seriously

137
00:07:00,519 --> 00:07:02,053
Until proved otherwise.

138
00:07:02,054 --> 00:07:03,888
Have a look at the rest of the fax.

139
00:07:03,889 --> 00:07:05,790
"be warned that we intend to target

140
00:07:05,791 --> 00:07:07,726
The fascist borough of Gasforth

141
00:07:07,727 --> 00:07:09,794
With a series of terror attacks

142
00:07:09,795 --> 00:07:11,830
Using deadly 'dratsuc.'"

143
00:07:11,831 --> 00:07:15,867
I've got a very, very bad
feeling in my stomach about this.

144
00:07:15,868 --> 00:07:17,368
How about you, constable Kray?

145
00:07:17,369 --> 00:07:20,005
I don't feel so good myself, sir.

146
00:07:20,006 --> 00:07:22,674
But I did have a kebab for breakfast.

147
00:07:22,675 --> 00:07:25,844
No, this may be a hoax, it may not be.

148
00:07:25,845 --> 00:07:28,246
All I know is, if it is genuine,

149
00:07:28,247 --> 00:07:31,916
My ass will be on the line,
and I don't want a cock up.

150
00:07:34,520 --> 00:07:37,889
Well, I imagine that you don't.

151
00:07:37,890 --> 00:07:41,292
So this deadly "dratsuc,"
what do you think it might be?

152
00:07:41,293 --> 00:07:43,294
My informed guess

153
00:07:43,295 --> 00:07:45,596
Is some sort of semtex-style explosive.

154
00:07:45,597 --> 00:07:48,099
Well, it could be.
It is also, of course,

155
00:07:48,100 --> 00:07:50,035
"custard" spelled backwards.

156
00:07:51,704 --> 00:07:54,405
- "Custard"? - And if we apply
the same backwards principle

157
00:07:54,406 --> 00:07:56,875
To our other mystery words,

158
00:07:56,876 --> 00:07:59,377
We discover that the "st. Neduts"

159
00:07:59,378 --> 00:08:02,147
Who want autonomy for "egelloc"

160
00:08:02,148 --> 00:08:06,284
Turn out to be "students" who
want autonomy for their "college."

161
00:08:06,285 --> 00:08:08,987
I fear, Derek, that you've been
a victim of a rag week prank.

162
00:08:10,990 --> 00:08:12,924
( forced laugh )

163
00:08:14,193 --> 00:08:16,594
You worked it out quicker
than I thought, Raymond.

164
00:08:16,595 --> 00:08:19,397
Not as quickly as I did,
but well done all the same.

165
00:08:19,398 --> 00:08:22,167
( tense chuckle )

166
00:08:22,168 --> 00:08:24,035
Sir, I got the home office on the phone.

167
00:08:26,172 --> 00:08:28,707
And the armed response unit
want to know what you want.

168
00:08:28,708 --> 00:08:31,810
Tell them I'm gonna shoot
some bleeding students!

169
00:08:31,811 --> 00:08:33,111
So as I was saying,

170
00:08:33,112 --> 00:08:36,081
Tolerance - the police
officer's secret weapon.

171
00:08:37,183 --> 00:08:39,818
What a "diputs loof" that man is.

172
00:08:42,555 --> 00:08:45,123
You won't forget to go to the
bank at lunchtime, will you?

173
00:08:45,124 --> 00:08:47,892
I'm snowed under. I'll have
to do admin over a take-away.

174
00:08:47,893 --> 00:08:50,195
More haste, less speed, sergeant.

175
00:08:50,196 --> 00:08:52,730
Rushed meals lead
only to upset stomachs,

176
00:08:52,731 --> 00:08:54,999
And onion rings on the duty log.

177
00:08:55,000 --> 00:08:58,869
I shouldn't eat so much rubbish,
anyway. It's making me flabby.

178
00:08:58,870 --> 00:09:01,272
- What absolute nonsense, Patricia.
- You think so?

179
00:09:01,273 --> 00:09:04,109
Of course. It's got
nothing to do with diet.

180
00:09:04,110 --> 00:09:06,511
You're bound to start to
sag a bit as you get older.

181
00:09:08,981 --> 00:09:11,249
( sirens wail )

182
00:09:18,790 --> 00:09:21,292
All right, we check the handwriting

183
00:09:21,293 --> 00:09:23,461
Of every student in this college.

184
00:09:23,462 --> 00:09:25,830
Assuming, that is, that
they know how to write.

185
00:09:25,831 --> 00:09:27,665
You hear that, Kray? Eh? Kray?

186
00:09:27,666 --> 00:09:30,401
Hello, darling. What are
you studying then, eh?

187
00:09:42,948 --> 00:09:45,383
- Raymond!
- Yes?

188
00:09:45,384 --> 00:09:47,519
It's nearly half past.
What about the bank?

189
00:09:47,520 --> 00:09:50,988
Great heavens to Betsy,
Patricia. There's plenty of time.

190
00:09:50,989 --> 00:09:53,358
Can't a fellow be allowed
a few moments of peace

191
00:09:53,359 --> 00:09:55,560
To read a chapter of "Sherlock Holmes"

192
00:09:55,561 --> 00:09:57,529
And enjoy his chocolate frog?

193
00:09:57,530 --> 00:10:01,065
I'm not even having a lunch
break. There's too much paperwork.

194
00:10:01,066 --> 00:10:03,668
If you don't go to the bank
and renew the standing orders

195
00:10:03,669 --> 00:10:06,604
- They'll repossess the telly!
- That'd be no bad thing.

196
00:10:06,605 --> 00:10:09,440
It's all rubbish, anyway.
Nothing but mindless escapism.

197
00:10:09,441 --> 00:10:12,877
Oh, and "Sherlock Holmes" isn't
mindless escapism, I suppose?

198
00:10:12,878 --> 00:10:15,446
Sherlock Holmes is literature.

199
00:10:15,447 --> 00:10:17,882
- Hah!
- If it is also escapism,

200
00:10:17,883 --> 00:10:20,351
Then it is good, solid escapism

201
00:10:20,352 --> 00:10:23,221
With no game shows or swearing.

202
00:10:23,222 --> 00:10:25,356
Rag week is a trying time, Patricia.

203
00:10:25,357 --> 00:10:27,525
And I think I might be forgiven

204
00:10:27,526 --> 00:10:30,228
For wanting to dream
again my boyhood dreams

205
00:10:30,229 --> 00:10:33,598
Of foiling the machinations
of "the redheaded league."

206
00:10:33,599 --> 00:10:36,834
Well, we none of us
get what we want, do we?

207
00:10:36,835 --> 00:10:38,836
I know I don't.

208
00:10:38,837 --> 00:10:40,871
No, I suppose not.

209
00:10:40,872 --> 00:10:43,541
It must be a dull
business for you, sergeant,

210
00:10:43,542 --> 00:10:47,212
Being attached to a
creaky old plodder like me.

211
00:10:47,213 --> 00:10:50,014
It weighs on me, you know? It does.

212
00:10:50,015 --> 00:10:52,584
Sometimes, I imagine
myself doing something

213
00:10:52,585 --> 00:10:56,287
Splendidly heroic to
make you proud of me.

214
00:10:56,288 --> 00:10:58,289
Proud and happy.

215
00:10:58,290 --> 00:10:59,824
You could make me proud and happy

216
00:10:59,825 --> 00:11:01,559
By going to the bank when I asked you,

217
00:11:01,560 --> 00:11:04,929
And occasionally giving
me a damned good rogering!

218
00:11:10,336 --> 00:11:12,903
Oh dear.

219
00:11:12,904 --> 00:11:14,939
Ah-

220
00:11:16,408 --> 00:11:18,476
Constable Gladstone...

221
00:11:18,477 --> 00:11:21,646
Sergeant Dawkins and I
were just discussing...

222
00:11:21,647 --> 00:11:23,914
That fellow ring.

223
00:11:24,950 --> 00:11:27,452
Roger ring.

224
00:11:28,887 --> 00:11:31,422
And we were just saying...

225
00:11:32,591 --> 00:11:34,692
Well, how damned good he is, basically.

226
00:11:36,027 --> 00:11:39,530
Damned good roger ring.

227
00:11:39,531 --> 00:11:42,600
- Isn't that right, sergeant?
- Yes, that's right, dear.

228
00:11:42,601 --> 00:11:45,603
But we see so little of
him these days, don't we?

229
00:11:47,273 --> 00:11:50,141
Or indeed, his swedish
cousin - bonk.

230
00:11:56,248 --> 00:11:58,383
What do you want, Gladstone?

231
00:11:58,384 --> 00:12:00,551
What do I want?

232
00:12:00,552 --> 00:12:04,088
I don't know.

233
00:12:04,089 --> 00:12:07,558
I heard nothing, sir.
It's none of my business.

234
00:12:10,262 --> 00:12:12,730
I think we got away with that one.

235
00:12:14,032 --> 00:12:16,634
Just don't forget to go to the bank.

236
00:12:25,611 --> 00:12:28,713
Best morning we ever had
at the arcade, Maureen.

237
00:12:29,715 --> 00:12:32,216
Fivepence, tenpence...

238
00:12:34,753 --> 00:12:36,821
Hello, inspector Fowler.

239
00:12:42,127 --> 00:12:44,094
Visiting the bank?

240
00:12:44,095 --> 00:12:46,230
Thank you for pointing
that out, constable Goody.

241
00:12:46,231 --> 00:12:50,568
I was about to ask for two tickets
to see "Lawrence of Arabia."

242
00:12:50,569 --> 00:12:53,003
Do you think we're in
the right queue, sir?

243
00:12:53,004 --> 00:12:55,206
Some of the other queues
are moving much faster,

244
00:12:55,207 --> 00:12:57,241
And soon it'll be time
to be back at work.

245
00:12:58,344 --> 00:13:00,144
( whispers ) I think I'll swap.

246
00:13:00,145 --> 00:13:02,447
Do you think I should swap,
sir? I think I should swap.

247
00:13:02,448 --> 00:13:04,515
Some of the other queues
are moving much quicker.

248
00:13:04,516 --> 00:13:06,451
- You think I should
swap queues, sir? - Yes.

249
00:13:06,452 --> 00:13:09,286
I think you should swap queues.
I think you should swap banks.

250
00:13:09,287 --> 00:13:12,690
If I were given my choice, I'd have
you in a different country altogether.

251
00:13:14,626 --> 00:13:16,861
I've got an idea, sir.

252
00:13:16,862 --> 00:13:20,898
What if I swap queues,
but you stay here?

253
00:13:20,899 --> 00:13:22,900
Then we can keep an eye on each other.

254
00:13:22,901 --> 00:13:25,035
If you get to the window
first, I'll rush over

255
00:13:25,036 --> 00:13:27,171
And you can let me in. If
I get to the window first,

256
00:13:27,172 --> 00:13:29,073
You can come back and I'll let you in.

257
00:13:29,074 --> 00:13:33,110
No, no, what we do is we put
a bag here to save our place

258
00:13:33,111 --> 00:13:35,580
Then we go and join the other queues
- no, no, no, no!

259
00:13:35,581 --> 00:13:38,916
I've got a much better idea. We put a
coat and a bag at the end of each queue,

260
00:13:38,917 --> 00:13:41,118
And ask other people to
shuffle them down so we-

261
00:13:41,119 --> 00:13:43,921
( shouts ) constable Goody!

262
00:13:45,457 --> 00:13:47,558
Fivepence...

263
00:13:47,559 --> 00:13:50,495
Tenpence... 15...

264
00:13:50,496 --> 00:13:53,230
Excuse me? Police. Won't be a minute.

265
00:13:53,231 --> 00:13:55,232
- Ta, love.
- Yes, officer?

266
00:13:55,233 --> 00:13:58,035
I've filled it all in, and I'd
like it in 20s, please, darlin'.

267
00:13:58,036 --> 00:14:01,939
Just one moment,
detective constable Kray...

268
00:14:01,940 --> 00:14:04,074
Did you just push in?

269
00:14:04,075 --> 00:14:05,943
Well, yeah. I always do that.

270
00:14:05,944 --> 00:14:08,546
If you can't jump the odd queue,
what's the point of being a copper?

271
00:14:08,547 --> 00:14:10,848
Ta, love.

272
00:14:10,849 --> 00:14:13,384
The point, constable Kray,

273
00:14:13,385 --> 00:14:14,852
To quote the first paragraph

274
00:14:14,853 --> 00:14:17,455
Of "the police statement of
common purpose and value,"

275
00:14:17,456 --> 00:14:19,924
Is to "uphold the law firmly and fairly;

276
00:14:19,925 --> 00:14:22,593
To prevent crime; to
pursue and bring to justice

277
00:14:22,594 --> 00:14:25,195
Those who break the law;
to keep the queen's peace;

278
00:14:25,196 --> 00:14:27,698
To protect, help and reassure people;

279
00:14:27,699 --> 00:14:29,834
And to be seen to do
all this with integrity,

280
00:14:29,835 --> 00:14:31,669
Common sense, and sound judgment."

281
00:14:31,670 --> 00:14:35,440
I seek in vain to find couched
within that glorious sentiment

282
00:14:35,441 --> 00:14:37,809
Any mention of pushing in.

283
00:14:37,810 --> 00:14:40,611
Come on, sir, perks
of the job, isn't it?

284
00:14:40,612 --> 00:14:44,148
- Finished, sir.
- Here, sir, I think you've lost your place.

285
00:14:44,149 --> 00:14:45,716
( chuckles )

286
00:14:50,456 --> 00:14:52,056
Two seconds to spare.

287
00:14:52,057 --> 00:14:53,691
Good afternoon, sergeant Dawkins.

288
00:14:53,692 --> 00:14:55,993
Forgive me for not greeting
you more affectionately,

289
00:14:55,994 --> 00:14:58,395
But as you can see from the
clock, I am back on duty.

290
00:14:58,396 --> 00:15:01,231
- Did you go to the bank?
- Of course I went to the bank.

291
00:15:01,232 --> 00:15:03,400
( sighs ) Thank goodness
that's out of the way.

292
00:15:03,401 --> 00:15:06,504
I should perhaps add that
although I went to the bank,

293
00:15:06,505 --> 00:15:11,308
I didn't actually manage to transact
any business while I was there.

294
00:15:11,309 --> 00:15:13,978
Are you telling me you didn't
organize the standing orders?

295
00:15:13,979 --> 00:15:17,615
I fear not. You see, I
neglected to allow for the fact

296
00:15:17,616 --> 00:15:19,750
That because the banks
now spend so much money

297
00:15:19,751 --> 00:15:22,487
Advertising their tawdry
services on the television,

298
00:15:22,488 --> 00:15:25,422
They can no longer afford
to actually employ any staff.

299
00:15:25,423 --> 00:15:27,959
I'm going to write to
somebody, I really am.

300
00:15:27,960 --> 00:15:32,062
Their adverts suggest this
utopian space-age world

301
00:15:32,063 --> 00:15:34,899
Where money is handed out willy-nilly

302
00:15:34,900 --> 00:15:39,403
By gorgeous pouting nymphettes
with degrees in computing.

303
00:15:39,404 --> 00:15:43,273
Well, we do not require
nymphettes, pouting or otherwise.

304
00:15:43,274 --> 00:15:46,611
All we ask is that they put
some extra staff on at lunchtime

305
00:15:46,612 --> 00:15:49,480
And pens on the ends
of the little chains.

306
00:15:49,481 --> 00:15:53,250
I don't believe you, Raymond.
You can't do the simplest thing!

307
00:15:53,251 --> 00:15:57,421
Now I shall have to go after
all and make up the time.

308
00:15:57,422 --> 00:15:59,657
You're a bloody idiot,
you know that, don't you?

309
00:15:59,658 --> 00:16:02,994
- A bloody idiot! - Please, sergeant
Dawkins, we are on duty.

310
00:16:02,995 --> 00:16:05,396
I am not an idiot, I am
your commanding officer.

311
00:16:05,397 --> 00:16:08,265
I'm only an idiot between 1:00 and 2:00

312
00:16:08,266 --> 00:16:10,501
After 6:30 and at weekends.

313
00:16:10,502 --> 00:16:14,071
Well, I'm not on duty,
so you are an idiot,

314
00:16:14,072 --> 00:16:16,908
A pompous twit and a
pain in the backside.

315
00:16:16,909 --> 00:16:18,910
Maggie, you're in charge of the desk.

316
00:16:18,911 --> 00:16:20,611
Hi, inspector Fowler.

317
00:16:20,612 --> 00:16:23,380
I'm collecting tea and
biccie money. You owe £4.

318
00:16:23,381 --> 00:16:26,551
I'm afraid I shall have to pay
you tomorrow, constable Gladstone.

319
00:16:26,552 --> 00:16:28,753
I was held up at the bank.

320
00:16:28,754 --> 00:16:31,556
I must say, you're
taking it very calmly.

321
00:16:31,557 --> 00:16:33,257
( Grim yelling )

322
00:16:33,258 --> 00:16:35,759
Right, excuse me, please.
Can I get through, please?

323
00:16:35,760 --> 00:16:37,094
Thank you very much.

324
00:16:37,095 --> 00:16:40,430
Constable Habib, I want this
lot processed and charged.

325
00:16:40,431 --> 00:16:43,801
- What for, looking stupid?
- Bloody students.

326
00:16:43,802 --> 00:16:48,205
We pay for this, you know? We
pay taxes so these imbeciles

327
00:16:48,206 --> 00:16:50,440
Can send hoax threats to the police.

328
00:16:50,441 --> 00:16:52,743
They think it's a joke?
Well, it isn't a joke.

329
00:16:52,744 --> 00:16:54,979
I know what a joke
is, and this isn't it.

330
00:16:54,980 --> 00:16:57,681
A joke is something like...

331
00:16:57,682 --> 00:17:01,485
A man walks into a bar. He says
"ouch" 'cause it's a public bar-

332
00:17:01,486 --> 00:17:03,654
I mean it's an iron bar.

333
00:17:03,655 --> 00:17:05,388
Now that's a joke!

334
00:17:05,389 --> 00:17:08,792
Hhm, yes. They say it's
the way you tell them.

335
00:17:10,061 --> 00:17:11,795
Now you get on, inspector Grim.

336
00:17:11,796 --> 00:17:13,430
We'll book this lot of desperados

337
00:17:13,431 --> 00:17:16,299
And ensure they're properly
dealt with, never fear.

338
00:17:16,300 --> 00:17:20,437
I'm glad you recognize the
seriousness of the situation.

339
00:17:20,438 --> 00:17:23,273
If I'm not at the nick,
you can get me on my mobile.

340
00:17:23,274 --> 00:17:25,809
I'll give you a banana. ( chuckles )

341
00:17:29,714 --> 00:17:31,281
Look at you.

342
00:17:31,282 --> 00:17:34,584
I can scarcely believe my eyes.

343
00:17:34,585 --> 00:17:36,787
The future of Britain,

344
00:17:36,788 --> 00:17:39,189
The cream of a proud nation.

345
00:17:39,190 --> 00:17:41,025
Oh, god help us.

346
00:17:42,827 --> 00:17:45,228
Do you honestly think

347
00:17:45,229 --> 00:17:48,065
Any halfway decent japanese company

348
00:17:48,066 --> 00:17:51,068
Is going to want to give
any of you lot a job?

349
00:17:51,069 --> 00:17:53,704
When Mr. Mitsubishi is asking himself,

350
00:17:53,705 --> 00:17:56,073
"where shall I construct
our new generation

351
00:17:56,074 --> 00:17:57,975
Of small family hatchbacks?"

352
00:17:57,976 --> 00:18:00,110
Do you think he's going
to say "Oh, I know,

353
00:18:00,111 --> 00:18:01,278
We'll go to Britain,

354
00:18:01,279 --> 00:18:02,646
Where the academic elite

355
00:18:02,647 --> 00:18:06,150
Are a bunch of idiots in
tutus and gorilla masks"?

356
00:18:06,151 --> 00:18:08,585
Or will he go to continental Europe...

357
00:18:08,586 --> 00:18:12,756
Where young people wear Benetton
tops and respect authority?

358
00:18:12,757 --> 00:18:15,392
Did you ever think of that? No!

359
00:18:15,393 --> 00:18:17,728
Well, it's time you
bucked up your ideas then!

360
00:18:17,729 --> 00:18:20,463
Or before long, Britain's
name will be mud.

361
00:18:20,464 --> 00:18:23,300
Or worse, it'll be Italy.

362
00:18:25,236 --> 00:18:27,571
You're not worth
charging. Just shove off!

363
00:18:29,407 --> 00:18:31,641
I weep for our country, I really do.

364
00:18:31,642 --> 00:18:34,778
Did you know that 12-year-olds
in Holland and Belgium

365
00:18:34,779 --> 00:18:36,947
Can already speak fluent english?

366
00:18:36,948 --> 00:18:39,783
They're no cleverer than
British children, sir.

367
00:18:39,784 --> 00:18:43,220
My niece is only 10 and she
can speak fluent english.

368
00:18:46,891 --> 00:18:50,327
Your head is just something you
keep your hat on, isn't it, laddie?

369
00:18:53,364 --> 00:18:55,232
( sighs )

370
00:18:56,801 --> 00:18:58,702
Rest assured, inspector Grim,

371
00:18:58,703 --> 00:19:00,637
I have dealt with those reprobates.

372
00:19:00,638 --> 00:19:01,972
For all the good it'll do.

373
00:19:01,973 --> 00:19:04,007
You might as well have
told them to shove off.

374
00:19:06,044 --> 00:19:09,479
I'm tired of police
work. Aren't you, Raymond?

375
00:19:09,480 --> 00:19:12,349
Nothing but idiots, delinquents,

376
00:19:12,350 --> 00:19:14,852
Yobbos and hooligans.

377
00:19:14,853 --> 00:19:17,454
Oh, I think you're being
a bit harsh there, Derek.

378
00:19:17,455 --> 00:19:20,690
Some of your officers aren't so bad.

379
00:19:20,691 --> 00:19:23,761
You know damn well what I mean!

380
00:19:23,762 --> 00:19:25,996
It's all gone...

381
00:19:25,997 --> 00:19:27,931
Posh, snob, brainy,

382
00:19:27,932 --> 00:19:30,367
Bloody, hoity-toity, up your bum

383
00:19:30,368 --> 00:19:32,636
And pardon me for living.

384
00:19:33,905 --> 00:19:35,572
I beg your pardon?

385
00:19:35,573 --> 00:19:39,042
There was a time when if a
bloke wanted to rob a bank,

386
00:19:39,043 --> 00:19:41,211
He went out and he bought a shotgun.

387
00:19:41,212 --> 00:19:44,447
Nowadays he buys a suit
from Marks & Spencers

388
00:19:44,448 --> 00:19:46,683
And gets a degree in accountancy.

389
00:19:46,684 --> 00:19:49,086
They think we're stupid,
you know that, don't you?

390
00:19:49,087 --> 00:19:52,156
I'm not stupid! I've got five o-levels.

391
00:19:53,357 --> 00:19:55,759
Two of them bloody good grades!

392
00:19:55,760 --> 00:19:59,930
Uh, excuse me. Yes? Fowler.

393
00:19:59,931 --> 00:20:03,233
Raymond, I'm in the
bank. There's a hold up.

394
00:20:03,234 --> 00:20:06,236
What? Still? I don't believe it!

395
00:20:06,237 --> 00:20:07,805
They'll have to get more staff!

396
00:20:07,806 --> 00:20:10,107
I'm going to write to the
head office, I really am!

397
00:20:10,108 --> 00:20:11,474
Shut up, you fool, and listen!

398
00:20:11,475 --> 00:20:13,343
It really is a hold up
- with guns.

399
00:20:13,344 --> 00:20:15,612
I'm lying face down
with the other customers.

400
00:20:15,613 --> 00:20:17,614
Stay where you are!

401
00:20:17,615 --> 00:20:19,082
Don't move!

402
00:20:19,083 --> 00:20:20,984
That's what they said!

403
00:20:20,985 --> 00:20:23,520
Whose side are you on? Got to go.

404
00:20:23,521 --> 00:20:26,723
A real, live,

405
00:20:26,724 --> 00:20:29,526
Armed bank robbery.

406
00:20:29,527 --> 00:20:33,030
God, I'm so happy I could cry.

407
00:20:35,733 --> 00:20:38,568
Fowler: White aspect secure. 1-2, out.

408
00:20:47,611 --> 00:20:50,247
Well, thanks to sergeant
Dawkins' prompt action,

409
00:20:50,248 --> 00:20:52,349
We've got them good and cornered.

410
00:20:52,350 --> 00:20:54,218
I hope they haven't shot her.

411
00:20:55,887 --> 00:20:58,655
- Have you established communications?
- Of course I have.

412
00:20:58,656 --> 00:21:00,123
You worry about your own job.

413
00:21:00,124 --> 00:21:02,125
Are the operational perimeters secure?

414
00:21:02,126 --> 00:21:04,561
My officers are in complete control.

415
00:21:04,562 --> 00:21:07,597
All right, everyone, step back a
bit, please. Come on, step back.

416
00:21:07,598 --> 00:21:11,335
There you go, son. I can't afford
much, but if it's for charity...

417
00:21:11,336 --> 00:21:15,005
- What?
- You're students, aren't you? This is a rag week stunt.

418
00:21:15,006 --> 00:21:18,575
I knew straight off
that he wasn't a copper.

419
00:21:18,576 --> 00:21:20,610
He's too young and weedy.

420
00:21:20,611 --> 00:21:22,980
I thought, "he's a student, he is."

421
00:21:22,981 --> 00:21:26,149
I ain't giving him nothing.
I've given enough already!

422
00:21:26,150 --> 00:21:29,586
I've paid for your
education, you layabout.

423
00:21:29,587 --> 00:21:33,257
And for your heroin, and
your free bloody condoms!

424
00:21:34,325 --> 00:21:37,594
Look, I am not a student!

425
00:21:37,595 --> 00:21:41,198
I am a real police officer and
there is a bank robbery in progress

426
00:21:41,199 --> 00:21:43,200
So will you kindly stand back please?!

427
00:21:43,201 --> 00:21:45,635
( giggles ) He's very good, isn't he?

428
00:21:45,636 --> 00:21:47,837
I mean, he's really quite convincing.

429
00:21:47,838 --> 00:21:51,341
- Perhaps he's a drama student.
- I don't care what he is.

430
00:21:51,342 --> 00:21:53,843
He should get a bloody job!

431
00:21:53,844 --> 00:21:56,280
Leave him alone, he
hasn't done any harm.

432
00:21:56,281 --> 00:21:59,549
Here, you haven't got
any pot, have you, luv?

433
00:21:59,550 --> 00:22:01,618
My rheumatism's killing me

434
00:22:01,619 --> 00:22:03,686
And paracetamol just
brings my dinner up.

435
00:22:04,688 --> 00:22:06,656
Yes, yes.

436
00:22:06,657 --> 00:22:09,226
We'll see what we can do.

437
00:22:09,227 --> 00:22:10,894
Fowler, job for you.

438
00:22:10,895 --> 00:22:12,329
Go!

439
00:22:13,898 --> 00:22:15,899
What can I do? How can I help?

440
00:22:15,900 --> 00:22:19,702
They want a pizza. Detail your
people to get them a pizza.

441
00:22:19,703 --> 00:22:23,040
Of course. And perhaps a
small selection of cupcakes.

442
00:22:23,041 --> 00:22:24,874
Standard procedure, Fowler.

443
00:22:24,875 --> 00:22:28,078
We acquiesce to the gunmen's
demands, that way we win their trust.

444
00:22:28,079 --> 00:22:29,679
Brilliant, Grim.

445
00:22:29,680 --> 00:22:32,282
We win their trust by
buying them a pizza.

446
00:22:32,283 --> 00:22:36,753
Why it seems so simple. I wonder if
the same tactics could work in Bosnia?

447
00:22:36,754 --> 00:22:38,088
Just do your job, Fowler.

448
00:22:38,089 --> 00:22:40,890
And if the shooting
starts, keep your head down.

449
00:22:42,526 --> 00:22:43,893
Go!

450
00:22:45,596 --> 00:22:48,231
But there mustn't be any
shooting, for heaven's sake.

451
00:22:48,232 --> 00:22:50,200
There are innocent people in there.

452
00:22:50,201 --> 00:22:52,769
Patricia's in there.
We must talk to them.

453
00:22:52,770 --> 00:22:54,771
I have talked to them. They won't budge.

454
00:22:54,772 --> 00:22:57,007
I've used all my negotiating skills.

455
00:22:57,008 --> 00:23:00,277
Look, Grim, you have all
the negotiating skills

456
00:23:00,278 --> 00:23:02,212
Of an embittered rottweiler.

457
00:23:02,213 --> 00:23:06,350
Your telephone manner is about as
appealing as a pub toilet at closing time.

458
00:23:06,351 --> 00:23:08,251
Let me talk to them.

459
00:23:09,354 --> 00:23:11,488
No can do!

460
00:23:11,489 --> 00:23:13,957
This is C.I.D. business,

461
00:23:13,958 --> 00:23:16,126
And that is my phone.

462
00:23:17,328 --> 00:23:20,163
The woman I love is in that bank.

463
00:23:20,164 --> 00:23:21,965
Let me talk to them.

464
00:23:21,966 --> 00:23:24,234
Just order the pizza.

465
00:23:24,235 --> 00:23:27,871
Sir, if I give him the money,
do you think he'll get me one?

466
00:23:28,873 --> 00:23:31,441
Goody, the criminals desire a pizza.

467
00:23:31,442 --> 00:23:33,243
- Kindly order one.
- Yes, sir.

468
00:23:33,244 --> 00:23:35,212
Oh, what sort of pizza, sir?

469
00:23:35,213 --> 00:23:37,214
I don't know, spicy gerbil flavored.

470
00:23:37,215 --> 00:23:39,449
- Just get the pizza.
- Do you mean the works?

471
00:23:39,450 --> 00:23:42,052
- What?
- The works, sir. It means all the toppings.

472
00:23:42,053 --> 00:23:44,187
Yes, yes, who cares?
Just order everything.

473
00:23:44,188 --> 00:23:46,123
No, I don't think
that's a good idea, sir.

474
00:23:46,124 --> 00:23:50,027
Everything includes anchovies. Lots
of people hate anchovies. I know I do.

475
00:23:50,028 --> 00:23:52,529
Anchovies could send these
villains over the edge.

476
00:23:52,530 --> 00:23:54,731
And pineapple. I only know one person

477
00:23:54,732 --> 00:23:56,666
Out of all my friends who has pineapple.

478
00:23:56,667 --> 00:24:01,038
"tangy tropical" he has, and
the rest of us go "ugghh!"

479
00:24:01,039 --> 00:24:03,740
Personally, I find the idea
of any seafood on a pizza

480
00:24:03,741 --> 00:24:06,643
- Quite repulsive.
- Yeah, I always pick the olives off.

481
00:24:06,644 --> 00:24:08,145
- Give them to
me- - look, Goody,

482
00:24:08,146 --> 00:24:11,181
Just get a plain cheese and
tomato pizza and get it now!

483
00:24:11,182 --> 00:24:13,683
Oh
- do you think they'll want garlic bread?

484
00:24:13,684 --> 00:24:15,718
Just get the-

485
00:24:19,390 --> 00:24:22,592
On second thoughts, I'll do it myself.

486
00:24:23,727 --> 00:24:25,695
Yes, it's coming.

487
00:24:25,696 --> 00:24:27,830
Where the hell is
Fowler with that pizza?

488
00:24:27,831 --> 00:24:30,934
I want to make a complaint
about police harassment.

489
00:24:31,969 --> 00:24:33,703
Fowler.

490
00:24:33,704 --> 00:24:35,539
Where's Fowler?

491
00:24:42,046 --> 00:24:44,081
( sighs )

492
00:24:56,360 --> 00:24:58,061
Pizza delivery.

493
00:24:58,062 --> 00:25:00,663
If it isn't hot,
there's a 50 pence refund

494
00:25:00,664 --> 00:25:04,767
On your next purchase
of diet or regular pepsi.

495
00:25:04,768 --> 00:25:08,037
But it only applies between 6:30
and 7:00 mondays and tuesdays,

496
00:25:08,038 --> 00:25:10,840
Subject to availability.
Usual restrictions apply.

497
00:25:12,042 --> 00:25:13,577
( buzzes )

498
00:25:22,353 --> 00:25:25,555
Well, I might have known.

499
00:25:27,925 --> 00:25:30,427
Now this time, you
really have gone too far.

500
00:25:30,428 --> 00:25:32,795
All right, lob us the pizza.

501
00:25:32,796 --> 00:25:35,432
Then get lying on the
floor with them other lot.

502
00:25:35,433 --> 00:25:38,668
"lob us the pizza"? "them other lot"?

503
00:25:38,669 --> 00:25:40,870
Great jangling jelly babies,

504
00:25:40,871 --> 00:25:42,805
If you'd spend more time in lectures

505
00:25:42,806 --> 00:25:45,242
Instead of playing
ridiculous pranks like this

506
00:25:45,243 --> 00:25:47,210
You might sound slightly less moronic.

507
00:25:47,211 --> 00:25:49,479
This rag nonsense has
gone quite far enough.

508
00:25:49,480 --> 00:25:51,348
You're all in very serious trouble.

509
00:25:51,349 --> 00:25:53,283
Now hand over those ridiculous toys.

510
00:25:53,284 --> 00:25:55,252
I'll kill you, you bastard!

511
00:25:55,253 --> 00:25:58,488
Don't you dare take that
tone with me, laddie.

512
00:25:58,489 --> 00:26:01,224
There's nothing clever
about foul language.

513
00:26:01,225 --> 00:26:04,294
I... am a police officer.

514
00:26:05,563 --> 00:26:07,830
And you are all under arrest.

515
00:26:07,831 --> 00:26:10,567
Get away or you're dead.

516
00:26:10,568 --> 00:26:12,069
I'm going to count to 10.

517
00:26:12,070 --> 00:26:13,570
One...

518
00:26:13,571 --> 00:26:14,737
Two...

519
00:26:14,738 --> 00:26:16,273
Don't, Reg!

520
00:26:16,274 --> 00:26:18,841
I don't want anything to
do with murdering coppers.

521
00:26:18,842 --> 00:26:22,379
If you hurt him, I'll shove
that gun so far down your throat

522
00:26:22,380 --> 00:26:24,847
You'll be blowing bullets
out of your backside!

523
00:26:24,848 --> 00:26:27,650
Blimey, they're all coppers!

524
00:26:30,821 --> 00:26:32,389
Thank you.

525
00:26:32,390 --> 00:26:35,559
I've never heard of such
naughtiness, I really haven't.

526
00:26:42,333 --> 00:26:45,535
All right, Grim, the "siege" is over.

527
00:26:46,537 --> 00:26:48,004
Don't - tch!

528
00:26:50,841 --> 00:26:53,910
Oh, Raymond, you were wonderful.

529
00:26:53,911 --> 00:26:56,045
I was so proud of you.

530
00:26:56,046 --> 00:26:57,914
I was very proud of you too, Patricia.

531
00:26:57,915 --> 00:26:59,716
You were most intimidating.

532
00:26:59,717 --> 00:27:02,285
I certainly wouldn't want
to meet you on a dark night.

533
00:27:02,286 --> 00:27:04,887
Except to sleep with me.

534
00:27:07,225 --> 00:27:08,958
Well, quite.

535
00:27:10,261 --> 00:27:12,529
I'm the manager of this
bank, and I have to say

536
00:27:12,530 --> 00:27:14,598
You acted with tremendous courage.

537
00:27:14,599 --> 00:27:16,600
Thank god it's all over.

538
00:27:16,601 --> 00:27:18,268
Grim: Go, go, go!

539
00:27:24,775 --> 00:27:27,710
Well, you broke every
rule in the book, Fowler.

540
00:27:28,812 --> 00:27:30,514
Though I can't deny you...

541
00:27:30,515 --> 00:27:32,749
Ended the siege without bloodshed.

542
00:27:32,750 --> 00:27:37,187
It's pretty cool to talk
round armed robbers like that.

543
00:27:37,188 --> 00:27:40,089
Oh really, Grim? Hasn't
the penny dropped?

544
00:27:40,090 --> 00:27:43,460
Armed robbers? I hardly think so.

545
00:27:43,461 --> 00:27:47,830
Why, under these silly masks, you'll
find no craggy-faced criminals,

546
00:27:47,831 --> 00:27:50,233
But beardless spotty-faced students

547
00:27:50,234 --> 00:27:51,334
On a rag stunt.

548
00:27:54,438 --> 00:27:57,574
There are plenty of mature
students at college these days.

549
00:28:04,782 --> 00:28:06,449
So...

550
00:28:06,450 --> 00:28:08,718
Three desperate villains,
just as I thought.

551
00:28:08,719 --> 00:28:11,954
Both of you risked your lives for us.

552
00:28:11,955 --> 00:28:14,791
Now is there anything
- anything the bank can do for you?

553
00:28:14,792 --> 00:28:16,993
No, no, the only reward
a police officer needs

554
00:28:16,994 --> 00:28:18,761
Is to know that he's done his duty,

555
00:28:18,762 --> 00:28:21,565
Served his community and
ensured that, as ever,

556
00:28:21,566 --> 00:28:24,367
The thin blue line remains unbroken.

557
00:28:24,368 --> 00:28:27,237
Of course, you could
renew our standing orders.

558
00:28:27,238 --> 00:28:29,406
- Oh yes, actually.
- I'm awfully sorry, sir,

559
00:28:29,407 --> 00:28:31,908
The bank closed three minutes ago.

560
00:28:32,943 --> 00:28:34,977
( theme music playing )