1
00:00:02,730 --> 00:00:05,766
( theme music playing )

2
00:00:32,294 --> 00:00:34,161
Raymond: No, no.

3
00:00:34,162 --> 00:00:38,199
No. No, Susan, I fear
that is not convenient.

4
00:00:39,201 --> 00:00:40,667
I know he's my son too,

5
00:00:40,668 --> 00:00:42,703
Even if he does appear
to be the love child

6
00:00:42,704 --> 00:00:45,005
Of a sloth and a warthog.

7
00:00:45,006 --> 00:00:47,808
Look, he is not coming to stay with me

8
00:00:47,809 --> 00:00:49,576
And that is absolutely final.

9
00:00:51,880 --> 00:00:54,614
Just for a fortnight then.

10
00:00:57,185 --> 00:00:59,854
The problem can be
summed up in one word-

11
00:00:59,855 --> 00:01:02,489
Organized crime.

12
00:01:03,892 --> 00:01:06,227
Motors stolen in Gasforth

13
00:01:06,228 --> 00:01:07,962
Are being driven across the channel.

14
00:01:07,963 --> 00:01:11,098
Blimey, you'd need a
decent underseal. ( laughs )

15
00:01:12,433 --> 00:01:14,801
Local delinquents nick the cars

16
00:01:14,802 --> 00:01:17,238
And flog 'em on to mr. Big.

17
00:01:17,239 --> 00:01:19,039
He's out there...

18
00:01:19,040 --> 00:01:20,841
Somewhere,

19
00:01:20,842 --> 00:01:23,577
A fat cat spinning his web,

20
00:01:23,578 --> 00:01:26,546
With his tentacles in every pie.

21
00:01:26,547 --> 00:01:29,350
Shouldn't be too difficult to spot then.

22
00:01:29,351 --> 00:01:32,719
Gentlemen, night duty-

23
00:01:32,720 --> 00:01:36,257
A time when the lamp of justice
must shine like a beacon.

24
00:01:36,258 --> 00:01:38,458
I trust that you are adequately prepared

25
00:01:38,459 --> 00:01:39,559
For the tasks ahead?

26
00:01:39,560 --> 00:01:42,062
I'm at the very peak of my form, sir.

27
00:01:44,732 --> 00:01:47,601
Well, I hope so. For who
knows what danger lurks

28
00:01:47,602 --> 00:01:49,836
In the fearsome watches of the night?

29
00:01:49,837 --> 00:01:52,439
It is our mission to seek it out.

30
00:01:52,440 --> 00:01:56,010
To boldly go where no
man has gone before.

31
00:01:56,011 --> 00:01:58,745
"to go boldly," laddie.
Don't split your infinitives.

32
00:01:58,746 --> 00:02:00,948
Captain Kirk does.

33
00:02:00,949 --> 00:02:04,518
Captain Kirk regularly
accepts figures painted blue

34
00:02:04,519 --> 00:02:06,887
With plastic forehead extensions...

35
00:02:08,189 --> 00:02:11,325
As beings from another planet.

36
00:02:11,326 --> 00:02:12,859
I think we may readily dismiss him

37
00:02:12,860 --> 00:02:14,795
As an authority on anything.

38
00:02:17,865 --> 00:02:19,499
Oh! Oh my god.

39
00:02:19,500 --> 00:02:21,501
Hi, Maggie. You look great.

40
00:02:21,502 --> 00:02:24,871
I'm really looking forward to
spending the night with you.

41
00:02:24,872 --> 00:02:26,540
No, no, I mean,

42
00:02:26,541 --> 00:02:28,309
We'll be on the job together all night.

43
00:02:30,145 --> 00:02:31,946
I know why you like night shifts, Kevin.

44
00:02:31,947 --> 00:02:35,349
- Oh my. - It's probably the only
time you get to stay out late.

45
00:02:40,121 --> 00:02:43,090
- ( slurring, shouting )
- Next!

46
00:02:48,896 --> 00:02:50,630
All right, Goody, what's all this?

47
00:02:50,631 --> 00:02:53,267
Another promising contender
for the regional heats

48
00:02:53,268 --> 00:02:55,669
Of young delinquent of the year?

49
00:02:55,670 --> 00:02:58,638
- What have you been up to, sonny?
- I ain't been up to nothing.

50
00:02:58,639 --> 00:03:01,641
In which case, you must've
been up to something.

51
00:03:01,642 --> 00:03:05,412
You'll find the english language serves
you far better if you use it properly.

52
00:03:06,414 --> 00:03:08,115
So what's he been up to?

53
00:03:08,116 --> 00:03:10,417
Taking without consent,
guv. Hit a lamppost.

54
00:03:10,418 --> 00:03:12,919
Don't call me "guv," laddie.

55
00:03:12,920 --> 00:03:14,654
It's a short step from saying "guv"

56
00:03:14,655 --> 00:03:16,991
To using cockney rhyming
slang, and I won't have it.

57
00:03:16,992 --> 00:03:18,025
Sorry, chief.

58
00:03:21,096 --> 00:03:23,263
If you're even thinking
about being sick on my desk,

59
00:03:23,264 --> 00:03:26,000
First think about removing this
truncheon from your earhole.

60
00:03:30,238 --> 00:03:31,838
Has the doctor been called?

61
00:03:31,839 --> 00:03:33,874
On his way, guv-
chief- boss- sir.

62
00:03:35,543 --> 00:03:36,943
I've called inspector Grim, sir.

63
00:03:36,944 --> 00:03:39,113
He asked to be informed if
we picked up any joyriders.

64
00:03:39,114 --> 00:03:42,383
"joyrider" is not a term I will
allow in my station, constable.

65
00:03:42,384 --> 00:03:45,652
This young lout was involved in
potentially murderous delinquency.

66
00:03:45,653 --> 00:03:49,323
- I'm sorry, I was only saying- - I know
what you were "only saying," constable.

67
00:03:49,324 --> 00:03:50,790
But it's not good enough.

68
00:03:50,791 --> 00:03:53,427
Crime is crime and
should not be trivialized.

69
00:03:53,428 --> 00:03:56,230
What next? Are we to refer
to grievous bodily harm

70
00:03:56,231 --> 00:03:57,531
As "fun punching"?

71
00:04:00,201 --> 00:04:04,071
Assault with a deadly weapon
as "a laugh and a stab"?

72
00:04:04,072 --> 00:04:05,105
Occupation?

73
00:04:05,106 --> 00:04:08,142
Ducking, diving, dodging, weaving.

74
00:04:08,143 --> 00:04:11,278
So I'll just put total prat, shall I?

75
00:04:11,279 --> 00:04:13,613
All right, Nigel Mansell,
empty out your pockets.

76
00:04:13,614 --> 00:04:15,349
You ain't got no right to search me.

77
00:04:15,350 --> 00:04:17,151
Now there you are wrong.

78
00:04:17,152 --> 00:04:18,885
I have every right to search you.

79
00:04:18,886 --> 00:04:21,088
Indeed, if I suspect
you of possessing drugs,

80
00:04:21,089 --> 00:04:24,824
I am entitled to conduct
an internal body search...

81
00:04:24,825 --> 00:04:28,995
Involving a rubber
glove and a large spoon.

82
00:04:28,996 --> 00:04:31,331
Would you like me to suspect
you of possessing drugs?

83
00:04:34,202 --> 00:04:36,836
So one ballpoint pen, blue.

84
00:04:36,837 --> 00:04:38,638
One contraceptive device-

85
00:04:38,639 --> 00:04:40,574
Aniseed flavored,

86
00:04:40,575 --> 00:04:44,978
Two tickets to a rave. Hardly a
professional's car pinching kit.

87
00:04:44,979 --> 00:04:47,981
I fear inspector Grim will
find slim pickings here.

88
00:04:47,982 --> 00:04:50,250
I can't take anymore!

89
00:04:50,251 --> 00:04:51,952
I'll do for someone, I swear!

90
00:04:51,953 --> 00:04:53,787
You're all dead!

91
00:04:53,788 --> 00:04:55,389
Yes, sir, can I help?

92
00:04:56,391 --> 00:04:59,293
Smack. Gotta have smack.

93
00:04:59,294 --> 00:05:02,862
Certainly. Goody, the
gentleman wants a smack.

94
00:05:04,065 --> 00:05:05,999
Two, four, six, eight,
bog in, don't wait!

95
00:05:08,669 --> 00:05:10,670
Habib, handcuffs please.

96
00:05:13,841 --> 00:05:15,409
Constable Goody, are you chewing?

97
00:05:17,011 --> 00:05:19,012
No.

98
00:05:19,013 --> 00:05:21,315
I'm going to ask you that
question again, Goody.

99
00:05:21,316 --> 00:05:23,850
Before I do so, I want you
to consider the consequences

100
00:05:23,851 --> 00:05:27,154
Of deliberately lying to a
superior officer whilst on duty.

101
00:05:27,155 --> 00:05:29,055
Those consequences include dismissal,

102
00:05:29,056 --> 00:05:32,025
Loss of pension, ostracism
within the community,

103
00:05:32,026 --> 00:05:34,294
And in all probability
a lifelong dependency

104
00:05:34,295 --> 00:05:36,563
On prescription antidepressants.

105
00:05:36,564 --> 00:05:38,665
Now let's try again.
Are you chewing, laddie?

106
00:05:38,666 --> 00:05:41,301
Yes, I am, sir. Helps me think.

107
00:05:41,302 --> 00:05:43,437
I can't say I'd noticed.

108
00:05:43,438 --> 00:05:45,506
He's cuffed, sir.

109
00:05:45,507 --> 00:05:47,807
All right, Habib, well done.

110
00:05:47,808 --> 00:05:48,975
Take the man down.

111
00:05:48,976 --> 00:05:52,279
Cold showers, exercise
and regular roughage

112
00:05:52,280 --> 00:05:53,880
Help a man think, Goody,

113
00:05:53,881 --> 00:05:56,916
Not Wrigley's juicy fruit.

114
00:05:56,917 --> 00:05:59,753
I'll not have my officers going
about the place like louts.

115
00:05:59,754 --> 00:06:02,022
What do you think we
have plainclothesmen for?

116
00:06:03,024 --> 00:06:04,057
Now swallow it.

117
00:06:05,826 --> 00:06:07,527
Oh, what a night.

118
00:06:07,528 --> 00:06:09,229
Let me tell you,

119
00:06:09,230 --> 00:06:11,731
I shall be glad when we're
tucked up in bed together.

120
00:06:11,732 --> 00:06:13,968
- Really, Raymond?
- Oh yes, certainly.

121
00:06:13,969 --> 00:06:16,503
For I shall be out like a light.

122
00:06:18,306 --> 00:06:20,274
I expect you will too.

123
00:06:20,275 --> 00:06:21,808
Mm-hmm.

124
00:06:21,809 --> 00:06:24,244
But sometimes before we go to sleep

125
00:06:24,245 --> 00:06:26,847
Wouldn't it be nice
to share a moment of...

126
00:06:26,848 --> 00:06:28,015
Excitement together?

127
00:06:28,016 --> 00:06:31,118
Hmm, by all means, darling.

128
00:06:31,119 --> 00:06:32,752
I tell you what I could do...

129
00:06:32,753 --> 00:06:36,323
I could read you another chapter
of "king Solomon's mines."

130
00:06:38,059 --> 00:06:40,027
( gagging )

131
00:06:41,762 --> 00:06:43,964
Constable Goody, have you run mad?

132
00:06:45,133 --> 00:06:46,600
What's the matter, boy?

133
00:06:46,601 --> 00:06:48,135
I think he's choking, inspector.

134
00:06:48,136 --> 00:06:50,137
It's that bubblegum
you made him swallow.

135
00:06:50,138 --> 00:06:53,073
- Bend over, Kevin. Head below your chest.
- Well done, Habib.

136
00:06:54,976 --> 00:06:57,411
- ( gagging ) - Great heavens,
what's the man swallowed,

137
00:06:57,412 --> 00:06:58,778
A bubblegum-flavored elephant?

138
00:06:59,780 --> 00:07:01,215
Get him up. Give him to me.

139
00:07:01,216 --> 00:07:03,917
Look, now fists clenched, thumb inward

140
00:07:03,918 --> 00:07:05,519
Between navel and breastbone,

141
00:07:05,520 --> 00:07:07,321
Other hand on fist, pull up sharply

142
00:07:07,322 --> 00:07:09,623
To force the upper abdomen
against the lower lungs,

143
00:07:09,624 --> 00:07:12,493
Thus driving out the remaining air.

144
00:07:14,062 --> 00:07:16,130
Go on, sir, force it up!

145
00:07:16,131 --> 00:07:18,499
I'm trying to force it up!

146
00:07:22,504 --> 00:07:24,038
( coughs )

147
00:07:25,773 --> 00:07:27,474
What's this then, Fowler?

148
00:07:27,475 --> 00:07:30,511
Some bizarre uniform
branch initiation rite?

149
00:07:30,512 --> 00:07:33,013
Thank you, sir.

150
00:07:34,349 --> 00:07:36,716
Sorry to spoil your fun, Raymond.

151
00:07:36,717 --> 00:07:38,585
Carry on, constable.

152
00:07:40,821 --> 00:07:43,090
Police work
- remember it?

153
00:07:43,091 --> 00:07:44,391
Where's this car thief?

154
00:07:44,392 --> 00:07:46,427
Not necessarily a thief, Derek.

155
00:07:46,428 --> 00:07:48,395
In this country, a person is innocent

156
00:07:48,396 --> 00:07:50,564
Until a judge or jury
find them otherwise.

157
00:07:50,565 --> 00:07:53,633
And god, don't we hate
all that fannying about!

158
00:07:55,103 --> 00:07:56,603
Why don't they change it round?

159
00:07:56,604 --> 00:07:59,706
Presume everybody in the
country is guilty of something-

160
00:07:59,707 --> 00:08:01,108
Which most of them are-

161
00:08:01,109 --> 00:08:03,110
And lock 'em up.

162
00:08:03,111 --> 00:08:05,245
What, the entire population?

163
00:08:05,246 --> 00:08:07,881
Certainly the entire population.

164
00:08:07,882 --> 00:08:11,385
And anyone who can, to the
satisfaction of a senior judge,

165
00:08:11,386 --> 00:08:13,253
Prove themselves to be wholly

166
00:08:13,254 --> 00:08:15,956
And fundamentally
innocent would be released.

167
00:08:15,957 --> 00:08:18,592
There'd be a bit less fannying
about then, wouldn't there?

168
00:08:18,593 --> 00:08:21,528
Here we have proof of reincarnation-

169
00:08:21,529 --> 00:08:25,065
Stalin has come back
as an english detective.

170
00:08:25,066 --> 00:08:28,469
I do not advocate a
police state, Fowler.

171
00:08:28,470 --> 00:08:30,104
No, you just want to see everyone live

172
00:08:30,105 --> 00:08:31,438
In abject fear of authority.

173
00:08:31,439 --> 00:08:33,773
Well, it would be nice.

174
00:08:34,775 --> 00:08:36,643
Now then, where's this young lout?

175
00:08:36,644 --> 00:08:38,778
He's with the doctor. His head is cut.

176
00:08:38,779 --> 00:08:42,015
Diddums. Get him out here.
I haven't got all night.

177
00:08:42,016 --> 00:08:44,118
I've got a wife and kids to go home to.

178
00:08:44,119 --> 00:08:46,853
Until the doctor is satisfied,
nobody is seeing him.

179
00:08:46,854 --> 00:08:48,788
Obstructing C.I.D.

180
00:08:48,789 --> 00:08:51,024
In the course of an
investigation, Fowler?

181
00:08:51,025 --> 00:08:52,959
That's a very serious offense that.

182
00:08:52,960 --> 00:08:54,595
I've half a mind to charge you.

183
00:08:54,596 --> 00:08:57,764
You have half a mind full stop.

184
00:08:59,033 --> 00:09:00,601
Endangering the life of a suspect

185
00:09:00,602 --> 00:09:02,236
By denying him proper medical care

186
00:09:02,237 --> 00:09:04,438
- Is also a serious offense.
- Right.

187
00:09:04,439 --> 00:09:07,774
You can mollycoddle the scum
of the streets if you want,

188
00:09:07,775 --> 00:09:09,943
I need my kip.

189
00:09:09,944 --> 00:09:12,446
I've got a lot of
important meetings tomorrow.

190
00:09:12,447 --> 00:09:15,882
- Good night.
- Important meetings.

191
00:09:15,883 --> 00:09:19,186
Huh, where's he think
he's going, Scotland Yard?

192
00:09:19,187 --> 00:09:20,654
I doubt it.

193
00:09:20,655 --> 00:09:23,390
I shall certainly be glad
to get out of here tonight.

194
00:09:23,391 --> 00:09:24,958
( sighs ) Oh god, a bit of peace-

195
00:09:24,959 --> 00:09:27,093
No noise, no distractions,

196
00:09:27,094 --> 00:09:28,695
No revolting kids.

197
00:09:28,696 --> 00:09:31,365
Hmm, yes, absolutely.

198
00:09:31,366 --> 00:09:33,066
Lovely.

199
00:09:33,067 --> 00:09:34,901
No revolting kids at all...

200
00:09:34,902 --> 00:09:37,504
Except Bill.

201
00:09:37,505 --> 00:09:39,072
What?

202
00:09:39,073 --> 00:09:40,574
Oh, didn't I tell you?

203
00:09:40,575 --> 00:09:43,910
My son Bill's coming
to stay for a few weeks.

204
00:09:43,911 --> 00:09:45,745
His mother's sick of him.

205
00:09:48,049 --> 00:09:49,683
That's nice, isn't it?

206
00:09:57,125 --> 00:09:59,192
I bought a new nightie today, Raymond.

207
00:09:59,193 --> 00:10:01,594
Mm-hmm.

208
00:10:03,330 --> 00:10:04,464
I couldn't resist it.

209
00:10:04,465 --> 00:10:07,000
It's so... Silky.

210
00:10:07,001 --> 00:10:10,237
It's called "satin passion."

211
00:10:10,238 --> 00:10:11,872
Really?

212
00:10:13,007 --> 00:10:14,307
I know it's extravagant,

213
00:10:14,308 --> 00:10:16,943
But it was in the sale.

214
00:10:16,944 --> 00:10:19,545
- £60.
- What?!

215
00:10:20,948 --> 00:10:22,715
Take it off. Take it off right now!

216
00:10:22,716 --> 00:10:24,818
- Do you really want me to?
- I most certainly do.

217
00:10:24,819 --> 00:10:26,486
That's going straight back to the shop.

218
00:10:27,755 --> 00:10:30,891
£60? But there's hardly anything to it.

219
00:10:30,892 --> 00:10:34,560
Really, if you're going to spend
that kind of money on a garment,

220
00:10:34,561 --> 00:10:37,998
You might at least purchase
something functional.

221
00:10:37,999 --> 00:10:40,200
Running round in that
you'll catch your death.

222
00:10:40,201 --> 00:10:44,271
I suggest you change it
for something knee-length...

223
00:10:44,272 --> 00:10:46,273
In flannelette.

224
00:10:48,676 --> 00:10:50,343
Thought you might like it.

225
00:10:50,344 --> 00:10:52,179
Thought it might turn you on.

226
00:10:54,115 --> 00:10:56,817
Patricia, I think you've
known me long enough to realize

227
00:10:56,818 --> 00:10:59,085
That a reckless disregard
for the value of money

228
00:10:59,086 --> 00:11:00,854
Is scarcely likely to excite me.

229
00:11:00,855 --> 00:11:05,225
I'm all for the occasional rash
and exuberant gesture of frivolity,

230
00:11:05,226 --> 00:11:08,995
But £60 for a whisp of
chiffon and a shoelace

231
00:11:08,996 --> 00:11:11,231
Is palpably absurd.

232
00:11:11,232 --> 00:11:13,633
Now if you'll excuse me,
I will return to my book.

233
00:11:13,634 --> 00:11:15,768
Oh, Raymond!

234
00:11:15,769 --> 00:11:18,404
I feel like a dried up old prune!

235
00:11:18,405 --> 00:11:20,273
Now there's a thought, Patricia.

236
00:11:20,274 --> 00:11:22,809
Delicious and very good for the bowel.

237
00:11:22,810 --> 00:11:26,146
I'll have one if
you're going downstairs.

238
00:11:26,147 --> 00:11:29,716
Raymond, you're not listening to me.

239
00:11:31,418 --> 00:11:33,954
We are not the first and
we won't be the last couple

240
00:11:33,955 --> 00:11:35,621
To have problems with our sex life.

241
00:11:35,622 --> 00:11:38,524
- We do not have problems.
- We do not have a sex life!

242
00:11:38,525 --> 00:11:42,028
In which case I really don't see
how there can be a problem with it.

243
00:11:42,029 --> 00:11:44,264
Really, Patricia,
you're not making sense.

244
00:11:44,265 --> 00:11:46,099
You can't just ignore it, Raymond.

245
00:11:46,100 --> 00:11:49,302
I want us to see a sex therapist.

246
00:11:49,303 --> 00:11:51,104
Oh please, not that again.

247
00:11:51,105 --> 00:11:54,074
- We need help.
- We do not.

248
00:11:54,075 --> 00:11:57,077
I'm quite capable of...

249
00:11:57,078 --> 00:11:58,778
Satisfying the woman I love

250
00:11:58,779 --> 00:12:01,014
Without instructions
from a total stranger

251
00:12:01,015 --> 00:12:03,216
Sitting on a beanbag.

252
00:12:03,217 --> 00:12:05,618
Then let's do it!

253
00:12:05,619 --> 00:12:09,322
I want seeing to! I want servicing!

254
00:12:11,092 --> 00:12:13,126
I want to be ravished right now,

255
00:12:13,127 --> 00:12:15,595
With the lights on and your socks off!

256
00:12:17,664 --> 00:12:19,799
If you love me, show me you love me.

257
00:12:19,800 --> 00:12:22,235
You used to. What's changed?

258
00:12:22,236 --> 00:12:25,205
Nothing's changed. Look, I-

259
00:12:29,043 --> 00:12:31,044
Look, I can't, Patricia.

260
00:12:31,045 --> 00:12:34,381
Not now, not with my boy in the house.

261
00:12:34,382 --> 00:12:36,783
I mean, if he were to hear us, you know?

262
00:12:36,784 --> 00:12:38,684
I just feels strange.

263
00:12:38,685 --> 00:12:40,586
That's a pathetic excuse.

264
00:12:40,587 --> 00:12:42,155
It's not!

265
00:12:42,156 --> 00:12:44,590
We can only hope to curb
the excesses of youth

266
00:12:44,591 --> 00:12:46,159
If we lead by example

267
00:12:46,160 --> 00:12:48,061
And show some self-restraint ourselves.

268
00:12:48,062 --> 00:12:50,964
There's nothing wrong with nooky!

269
00:12:50,965 --> 00:12:52,665
Shh! Please, please, please.

270
00:12:52,666 --> 00:12:55,368
He's still very young
and impressionable.

271
00:12:55,369 --> 00:12:58,204
Not much older than that
lad we've got at the station.

272
00:12:58,205 --> 00:13:00,307
He could end up going the same way.

273
00:13:00,308 --> 00:13:02,708
I wonder what Bill gets up to at night.

274
00:13:02,709 --> 00:13:06,179
Considerably more than
we do, I should imagine.

275
00:13:06,180 --> 00:13:08,081
I'll see you in the morning.

276
00:13:28,736 --> 00:13:30,336
Do you want an egg on that?

277
00:13:30,337 --> 00:13:32,806
Yes, thank you, Patricia,
that'd be very nice.

278
00:13:43,751 --> 00:13:46,286
Yes, well, I like a runny yolk.

279
00:13:49,090 --> 00:13:50,791
Ah, good morning, Bill.

280
00:13:50,792 --> 00:13:53,927
Patricia and I were just saying
how nice it is to have you home.

281
00:13:55,062 --> 00:13:56,429
Oh.

282
00:13:58,065 --> 00:14:00,066
You're having a friend to stay, are you?

283
00:14:00,067 --> 00:14:01,902
Yeah. Is there a problem?

284
00:14:01,903 --> 00:14:03,870
No, no, no, that's lovely.

285
00:14:03,871 --> 00:14:08,141
You made up the bed in
the spare room, did you?

286
00:14:08,142 --> 00:14:11,344
You found the sheets all right?
Top shelf, the airing cupboard.

287
00:14:11,345 --> 00:14:14,414
Yeah, sure dad. Spare bed, right. Yeah.

288
00:14:16,483 --> 00:14:18,919
Hmm, well. Well, come on, Bill.

289
00:14:18,920 --> 00:14:20,620
You're not being much of a host,

290
00:14:20,621 --> 00:14:23,389
Leaving your friend standing around
like that. Get her some toast.

291
00:14:23,390 --> 00:14:26,860
We can all sit down and
have a nice family breakfast.

292
00:14:26,861 --> 00:14:28,594
No, thanks.

293
00:14:31,632 --> 00:14:34,234
Well, I'm glad we abstained
from sex on his behalf.

294
00:14:34,235 --> 00:14:36,336
Oh, come on, now, Patricia,

295
00:14:36,337 --> 00:14:37,938
Don't jump to conclusions.

296
00:14:37,939 --> 00:14:39,672
She's just a pal.

297
00:14:39,673 --> 00:14:43,109
I don't suppose anything
more intimate than that.

298
00:14:43,110 --> 00:14:46,746
They've probably just gone
upstairs to revise for exams.

299
00:14:46,747 --> 00:14:49,015
( squeaking )

300
00:14:50,051 --> 00:14:51,852
Practical biology, do you think?

301
00:14:57,291 --> 00:14:58,791
Morning, everyone. Carry on.

302
00:14:58,792 --> 00:15:01,394
We've still got that young
lad in for "twocking."

303
00:15:01,395 --> 00:15:03,463
Two - "twocking,"
constable Habib?

304
00:15:03,464 --> 00:15:05,065
"twocking"? What do you mean?

305
00:15:05,066 --> 00:15:07,934
I mean taking without
consent, inspector. As in cars.

306
00:15:07,935 --> 00:15:09,669
Then say so, constable.

307
00:15:09,670 --> 00:15:12,772
A criminal charge leaves
no room for ambiguity.

308
00:15:12,773 --> 00:15:15,708
Start dropping bits willy-nilly
and where will it end?

309
00:15:15,709 --> 00:15:18,111
We might arrest a fellow for burglary,

310
00:15:18,112 --> 00:15:20,580
Drop a couple of letters to save time,

311
00:15:20,581 --> 00:15:22,782
And end up charging him for buggery.

312
00:15:24,385 --> 00:15:26,953
Sir, another petition
from Lavendar close

313
00:15:26,954 --> 00:15:28,855
About the loud sex noises.

314
00:15:28,856 --> 00:15:31,091
Ah, the noisy nympho at number nine.

315
00:15:31,092 --> 00:15:33,960
Great balls of steaming ooojah.

316
00:15:33,961 --> 00:15:35,728
Is that woman still at it?

317
00:15:35,729 --> 00:15:37,163
I suppose we better bring her in.

318
00:15:37,164 --> 00:15:40,100
No good asking her to
come quietly, I suppose.

319
00:15:43,004 --> 00:15:45,939
There is a place for smutty
innuendo, constable Kray.

320
00:15:45,940 --> 00:15:48,741
That place is on "birds of a feather."

321
00:15:50,177 --> 00:15:52,979
Gladstone, I suppose you
better bring the foul woman in.

322
00:15:52,980 --> 00:15:55,148
She'll be abusive, sir. She always is.

323
00:15:55,149 --> 00:15:58,518
Then arrest her. Put the handcuffs
on her, that might make her think.

324
00:15:58,519 --> 00:16:00,954
I'll tell you what, Frank,
stick 'em on her ankles.

325
00:16:00,955 --> 00:16:03,089
That'll solve the whole thing.

326
00:16:04,658 --> 00:16:06,759
What are we gonna do about
this lad in the cells?

327
00:16:06,760 --> 00:16:09,129
He's been charged, and
we can't hold him forever.

328
00:16:09,130 --> 00:16:11,497
Detective constable
Kray, does inspector Grim

329
00:16:11,498 --> 00:16:13,866
Still want to interview
this car thief we're holding?

330
00:16:13,867 --> 00:16:16,502
He's at Scotland Yard, sir.

331
00:16:16,503 --> 00:16:18,438
This is a nationwide operation.

332
00:16:18,439 --> 00:16:21,274
Everything's bigger in C.I.D., isn't it?

333
00:16:22,410 --> 00:16:23,743
Scotland Yard, eh?

334
00:16:23,744 --> 00:16:28,114
Huh, I've only ever been
to Scotland Yard once.

335
00:16:28,115 --> 00:16:31,651
One of the best school
trips we ever went on.

336
00:16:33,154 --> 00:16:35,121
Nationwide operation, eh?

337
00:16:35,122 --> 00:16:37,424
Blimey.

338
00:16:37,425 --> 00:16:40,193
Perhaps I'd better go and
have a chat with the lad.

339
00:16:46,267 --> 00:16:49,535
All right, Goody, you've spoken
with the boy, studied him,

340
00:16:49,536 --> 00:16:52,405
No doubt constructed a
detailed psychological profile.

341
00:16:52,406 --> 00:16:55,308
- Have you drawn any conclusions?
- Yes, I have, sir.

342
00:16:55,309 --> 00:16:57,177
Good, and what are they?

343
00:16:57,178 --> 00:16:58,911
He's a right little scumbag.

344
00:17:00,781 --> 00:17:03,950
The fact, Goody, that you possess
a G.C.S.E. in english language

345
00:17:03,951 --> 00:17:05,952
Casts a dark shadow of doubt

346
00:17:05,953 --> 00:17:08,788
Across the entire british
educational system.

347
00:17:08,789 --> 00:17:10,423
And who is he?

348
00:17:10,424 --> 00:17:12,125
He won't give us his name.

349
00:17:12,126 --> 00:17:13,860
He says he never sees his family,

350
00:17:13,861 --> 00:17:15,395
Says his father left home.

351
00:17:15,396 --> 00:17:17,897
Lives where he likes,
does what he chooses.

352
00:17:17,898 --> 00:17:19,565
Sad, isn't it,

353
00:17:19,566 --> 00:17:22,902
When fathers desert their
responsibilities and break families up?

354
00:17:24,271 --> 00:17:25,638
Yes.

355
00:17:25,639 --> 00:17:27,140
Yes, I suppose it is.

356
00:17:27,141 --> 00:17:29,109
Young blokes get
married without thinking,

357
00:17:29,110 --> 00:17:31,611
Get some poor bird up
the duff and naff off.

358
00:17:33,647 --> 00:17:35,615
It's really terrible.

359
00:17:37,084 --> 00:17:39,752
How is your ex-wife, sir...

360
00:17:41,855 --> 00:17:42,989
And your son?

361
00:17:42,990 --> 00:17:45,558
Well enough, thank you, Goody,

362
00:17:45,559 --> 00:17:49,262
Considering the overwhelming social
burdens that I place upon them.

363
00:17:50,764 --> 00:17:52,798
All right, laddie,
don't play games with us,

364
00:17:52,799 --> 00:17:56,236
Or we can make life pretty
difficult for you if you do.

365
00:17:56,237 --> 00:17:58,304
- Now give me your name.
- Ivor.

366
00:17:58,305 --> 00:18:00,106
You see, Goody,

367
00:18:00,107 --> 00:18:02,942
The firm authoritative
approach normally bears results.

368
00:18:02,943 --> 00:18:05,745
All right, Ivor, what's your surname?

369
00:18:05,746 --> 00:18:09,416
- Biggin.
- Biggin. Good.

370
00:18:09,417 --> 00:18:14,320
Constable, kindly note, "ivor biggin."

371
00:18:20,994 --> 00:18:22,628
Oh, I see...

372
00:18:22,629 --> 00:18:25,798
A comedian.

373
00:18:25,799 --> 00:18:28,968
Yes, sir, he's already named
his two scottish associates-

374
00:18:28,969 --> 00:18:31,637
"ben doon" and "phil mccavity."

375
00:18:33,774 --> 00:18:35,975
It's come to a funny state of affairs

376
00:18:35,976 --> 00:18:38,378
When a woman can't have a bit of rumpo

377
00:18:38,379 --> 00:18:40,880
In the privacy of her own bedroom.

378
00:18:43,150 --> 00:18:46,453
It's having it in your back garden
that people are objecting to.

379
00:18:46,454 --> 00:18:48,254
We done it in the shed.

380
00:18:48,255 --> 00:18:49,956
The shed collapsed.

381
00:18:51,425 --> 00:18:54,660
In fact, sheds collapsed like
dominoes all along divinity road.

382
00:18:54,661 --> 00:18:57,997
Mr. Jones from number 36 phoned us.

383
00:18:57,998 --> 00:19:01,201
He claimed his compost heap
was bouncing round the lawn.

384
00:19:01,202 --> 00:19:02,835
Look, sergeant,

385
00:19:02,836 --> 00:19:06,239
You're a woman, you know
about a woman's needs.

386
00:19:06,240 --> 00:19:10,210
When a woman needs love
she's got to have it.

387
00:19:10,211 --> 00:19:13,012
Otherwise she's just
a dried up old prune.

388
00:19:15,082 --> 00:19:17,517
It doesn't strike me that
banging away in the potting shed

389
00:19:17,518 --> 00:19:19,952
Screaming, "do it to me, big
boy," at the top of your voice

390
00:19:19,953 --> 00:19:21,053
Has much to do with love.

391
00:19:21,054 --> 00:19:23,423
I love it.

392
00:19:23,424 --> 00:19:25,791
I love sucking the middle
bits out of walnut whips

393
00:19:25,792 --> 00:19:29,061
But that doesn't mean I have the right
to make everybody listen to me do it!

394
00:19:29,062 --> 00:19:31,097
Take her away and charge her.

395
00:19:31,098 --> 00:19:32,332
( sighs )

396
00:19:34,135 --> 00:19:35,201
Cup of tea, Pat?

397
00:19:35,202 --> 00:19:36,402
You all right?

398
00:19:36,403 --> 00:19:37,837
You look a bit down.

399
00:19:37,838 --> 00:19:40,640
Don't be silly, Maggie.
I'm just a dowdy old drab

400
00:19:40,641 --> 00:19:42,342
With the sex appeal of a toilet brush.

401
00:19:42,343 --> 00:19:43,676
Why on earth would I feel down?

402
00:19:43,677 --> 00:19:45,278
Sergeant Dawkins,

403
00:19:45,279 --> 00:19:49,249
I'm back from Scotland Yard.
Were there any messages for me

404
00:19:49,250 --> 00:19:50,783
While I was at Scotland Yard?

405
00:19:50,784 --> 00:19:54,621
- No, inspector Grim.
- Good. Good, good.

406
00:19:56,557 --> 00:19:59,559
So no messages from Scotland Yard then?

407
00:19:59,560 --> 00:20:01,261
It's just I've been at Scotland Yard,

408
00:20:01,262 --> 00:20:03,263
I thought there might be a message.

409
00:20:03,264 --> 00:20:05,031
Good.

410
00:20:07,201 --> 00:20:09,369
Ah, inspector Grim.

411
00:20:09,370 --> 00:20:12,538
Yes, I've been to Scotland Yard.

412
00:20:12,539 --> 00:20:14,673
The yard
- it's not such a big deal.

413
00:20:14,674 --> 00:20:16,742
I wish people wouldn't
keep going on about it.

414
00:20:18,312 --> 00:20:22,382
This business of yobbos
nicking cars for major villains,

415
00:20:22,383 --> 00:20:25,784
Big worry for the boys at scotters.

416
00:20:27,954 --> 00:20:31,391
That's why they sent
for Grim of Gasforth.

417
00:20:31,392 --> 00:20:33,792
Yes, well, we're still
holding one of the hooligans.

418
00:20:33,793 --> 00:20:35,861
- Perhaps you'd like
to- - all in good time.

419
00:20:35,862 --> 00:20:37,663
After I've had my lunch, Fowler.

420
00:20:37,664 --> 00:20:40,433
Kray, did you book somewhere nice?

421
00:20:40,434 --> 00:20:43,702
Of course I did, sir. A pizza...

422
00:20:43,703 --> 00:20:45,471
Ah, thank you constable Habib.

423
00:20:45,472 --> 00:20:47,907
No chockie hobnobs?

424
00:20:47,908 --> 00:20:50,510
I'm afraid not, sir. Only rich tea.

425
00:20:50,511 --> 00:20:53,079
Well, perhaps that's as it should be.

426
00:20:53,080 --> 00:20:57,050
Perhaps a man who has
failed in his duty to society

427
00:20:57,051 --> 00:20:59,452
Doesn't deserve his choice of biccy.

428
00:20:59,453 --> 00:21:03,022
- How's that, sir? - That lad we're
holding in the interview room.

429
00:21:03,023 --> 00:21:06,725
Arrogant, rude, opinionated, unpleasant.

430
00:21:06,726 --> 00:21:09,262
( laughs ) He could be my own son.

431
00:21:09,263 --> 00:21:11,664
- You think so, sir?
- Yes, I do.

432
00:21:11,665 --> 00:21:14,033
Tomorrow perhaps, it will be my boy.

433
00:21:14,034 --> 00:21:17,937
The lad we've collared comes from
a broken home just like my lad.

434
00:21:17,938 --> 00:21:20,239
Broken home? That's a
terrible thing to say, sir.

435
00:21:20,240 --> 00:21:22,007
Lots of couples split up.

436
00:21:22,008 --> 00:21:24,710
It doesn't mean their kids are
going to turn out to be louts.

437
00:21:24,711 --> 00:21:27,246
Oh, true, true.

438
00:21:27,247 --> 00:21:30,683
I suppose the first six
children in line to the throne

439
00:21:30,684 --> 00:21:32,118
Come from broken homes.

440
00:21:32,119 --> 00:21:34,220
That's right, sir. Can't
see much chance of us

441
00:21:34,221 --> 00:21:36,456
Pulling William and Harry for twock-

442
00:21:36,457 --> 00:21:38,624
Taking without consent.

443
00:21:38,625 --> 00:21:41,160
Thank you, constable Habib.

444
00:21:41,161 --> 00:21:43,929
You have a wise head on
those young shoulders.

445
00:21:43,930 --> 00:21:47,100
I'd like to say something else
if that's all right, inspector.

446
00:21:47,101 --> 00:21:48,667
Very well, constable, what is it?

447
00:21:48,668 --> 00:21:50,636
It's none of my business,

448
00:21:50,637 --> 00:21:53,739
But I think you might worry a bit
less about your old relationships

449
00:21:53,740 --> 00:21:55,341
And a bit more about your current one.

450
00:21:56,743 --> 00:21:58,344
Sergeant Dawkins, you mean.

451
00:21:58,345 --> 00:22:00,713
I know it's not my
place to interfere, sir,

452
00:22:00,714 --> 00:22:03,182
But she does seem very low.

453
00:22:03,183 --> 00:22:04,984
Hmm. Hmm.

454
00:22:04,985 --> 00:22:07,153
Yes, well, perhaps you're right.

455
00:22:07,154 --> 00:22:10,556
Thank you for bringing this
matter to my attention, constable.

456
00:22:10,557 --> 00:22:13,058
I will act on information received.

457
00:22:18,031 --> 00:22:20,600
Sorry about trying to kill
you last night, inspector.

458
00:22:20,601 --> 00:22:22,535
I didn't mean no harm by it.

459
00:22:22,536 --> 00:22:25,671
Contrition is the first
step to rehabilitation.

460
00:22:25,672 --> 00:22:28,207
What you have to do now
is smarten yourself up.

461
00:22:28,208 --> 00:22:30,543
Think positively, exercise,

462
00:22:30,544 --> 00:22:32,211
Fresh air, plenty of roughage.

463
00:22:32,212 --> 00:22:35,615
And stop taking heroin.

464
00:22:37,551 --> 00:22:41,053
I think that has to be very
much a factor in the new you.

465
00:22:41,054 --> 00:22:42,188
Good luck in court.

466
00:22:46,960 --> 00:22:48,727
- Patricia?
- Yes.

467
00:22:48,728 --> 00:22:52,398
I would rather drink from
the bladder of a baboon

468
00:22:52,399 --> 00:22:54,967
Than say what I am about to say.

469
00:22:54,968 --> 00:22:58,304
However, I have decided
that it is unfair of me

470
00:22:58,305 --> 00:23:00,239
To ignore your frustrations any longer.

471
00:23:00,240 --> 00:23:02,408
I have been selfish.

472
00:23:02,409 --> 00:23:04,410
People have to work at relationships.

473
00:23:04,411 --> 00:23:05,878
It's like anything in life-

474
00:23:05,879 --> 00:23:07,613
You get out what you put in.

475
00:23:07,614 --> 00:23:10,283
- Exactly so. - You haven't put
anything in for a long time.

476
00:23:10,284 --> 00:23:12,017
Yes, yes. I'm aware of that.

477
00:23:12,018 --> 00:23:13,519
I'm aware of that.

478
00:23:13,520 --> 00:23:16,522
I've therefore decided
that possibly one day,

479
00:23:16,523 --> 00:23:18,357
As a very last resort,

480
00:23:18,358 --> 00:23:21,160
Once we've tried acupuncture,

481
00:23:21,161 --> 00:23:24,697
Oyster diets and watching
late night channel 4,

482
00:23:24,698 --> 00:23:27,132
That I might possibly consent

483
00:23:27,133 --> 00:23:31,136
To us visiting some
form of a sex therapist.

484
00:23:32,239 --> 00:23:33,939
Thank you, Raymond.

485
00:23:33,940 --> 00:23:36,509
I'll phone and see if she
can see us this lunchtime.

486
00:23:38,978 --> 00:23:41,780
Please, please, please, believe me,

487
00:23:41,781 --> 00:23:45,084
Talking about sex is not embarrassing.

488
00:23:45,085 --> 00:23:46,952
Nipple, flap, bottom,

489
00:23:46,953 --> 00:23:48,854
Hide the sausage-

490
00:23:50,056 --> 00:23:52,592
I'm not remotely embarrassed.

491
00:23:52,593 --> 00:23:55,128
So very much on your own there then.

492
00:23:56,430 --> 00:23:58,464
Last night I did it bent backwards

493
00:23:58,465 --> 00:24:00,633
Over the sitting room pouffe.

494
00:24:03,003 --> 00:24:05,671
Doing something like that
is as normal and ordinary

495
00:24:05,672 --> 00:24:07,173
As saying "good morning."

496
00:24:07,174 --> 00:24:09,475
I don't want to hear about
you bending over backwards.

497
00:24:09,476 --> 00:24:11,110
That's because you're repressed.

498
00:24:11,111 --> 00:24:14,180
No, I just want to keep my dinner down.

499
00:24:14,181 --> 00:24:15,881
Don't be hostile, Raymond.

500
00:24:15,882 --> 00:24:17,416
We agreed to give it a try.

501
00:24:17,417 --> 00:24:20,119
The first principal of sex therapy

502
00:24:20,120 --> 00:24:21,720
Is sex deprivation.

503
00:24:22,722 --> 00:24:24,790
You must agree not to have sex,

504
00:24:24,791 --> 00:24:26,925
To deny each other all physical contact.

505
00:24:26,926 --> 00:24:29,228
Do you think you can do that for me?

506
00:24:29,229 --> 00:24:32,431
Patricia, this woman's costing us £40.

507
00:24:33,667 --> 00:24:34,700
Right.

508
00:24:34,701 --> 00:24:36,636
Now tomorrow I want
you to come in wearing

509
00:24:36,637 --> 00:24:38,037
Only your underwear.

510
00:24:38,038 --> 00:24:39,872
You will sit facing each other

511
00:24:39,873 --> 00:24:42,107
But won't touch each other.

512
00:24:42,108 --> 00:24:44,943
This way the spark of
desire will be rekindled

513
00:24:44,944 --> 00:24:47,280
Through deprivation and denial.

514
00:24:47,281 --> 00:24:49,582
After which, of course,
the licking can start.

515
00:24:51,385 --> 00:24:53,752
Please, don't worry.

516
00:24:53,753 --> 00:24:56,189
In order that no one
should feel embarrassed,

517
00:24:56,190 --> 00:24:58,424
I too will be wearing only underwear.

518
00:25:00,494 --> 00:25:01,994
Of course, by the end of the week

519
00:25:01,995 --> 00:25:03,896
We shall all be completely naked.

520
00:25:03,897 --> 00:25:06,365
Come on, let's not wait.

521
00:25:06,366 --> 00:25:07,866
Let's do it now.

522
00:25:19,479 --> 00:25:22,582
Sir, detective inspector Grim said he
wanted to see you when you got back.

523
00:25:22,583 --> 00:25:24,584
Thank you, constable nipple.

524
00:25:28,655 --> 00:25:33,192
So this young twocker comes
from a broken home, eh?

525
00:25:33,193 --> 00:25:35,394
You're a divorce,

526
00:25:35,395 --> 00:25:37,196
Aren't you, inspector Fowler?

527
00:25:37,197 --> 00:25:39,532
Left your wife alone with a kid,

528
00:25:39,533 --> 00:25:40,766
Did you not?

529
00:25:41,835 --> 00:25:43,769
I'm sorry for you, of course.

530
00:25:43,770 --> 00:25:47,106
As a dedicated family man,
I know what you've missed.

531
00:25:48,141 --> 00:25:49,709
Right then,

532
00:25:49,710 --> 00:25:51,510
Let's have a look at this car thief.

533
00:25:51,511 --> 00:25:53,779
More a delinquent than a thief, I think.

534
00:25:53,780 --> 00:25:56,782
I doubt this lad has the
brains to fence a stolen car.

535
00:25:56,783 --> 00:25:58,784
Allow me to be the
judge of that, Fowler.

536
00:25:58,785 --> 00:26:03,289
As a highly-trained detective
and confidant of scotland yard,

537
00:26:03,290 --> 00:26:05,758
I shall know instantly

538
00:26:05,759 --> 00:26:10,296
Whether this lad is a
malevolent criminal genius

539
00:26:10,297 --> 00:26:13,633
Or the cretinous child
of a brainless swine.

540
00:26:17,371 --> 00:26:20,439
- Darren!
- Hello, dad.

541
00:26:22,242 --> 00:26:24,777
I am not a vindictive man, Patricia,

542
00:26:24,778 --> 00:26:27,313
Which is probably why
I've remained in uniform.

543
00:26:27,314 --> 00:26:31,083
We charged the lad with taking
without consent, of course,

544
00:26:31,084 --> 00:26:34,019
But I have agreed to keep the
matter as quiet as possible.

545
00:26:34,020 --> 00:26:35,321
I don't know why.

546
00:26:35,322 --> 00:26:36,722
Inspector Grim's such a pig.

547
00:26:36,723 --> 00:26:38,257
Why should you do him any favors?

548
00:26:38,258 --> 00:26:40,293
Virtue is its own reward.

549
00:26:40,294 --> 00:26:44,897
In this case, Grim gave me two
tickets to tonight's all-night rave,

550
00:26:44,898 --> 00:26:47,232
Which his son will not now be attending.

551
00:26:47,233 --> 00:26:50,169
I thought perhaps you and
Rhona might like them, Bill.

552
00:26:50,170 --> 00:26:52,738
- No, thanks, dad.
- Oh.

553
00:26:52,739 --> 00:26:54,473
So you're staying in tonight then?

554
00:26:54,474 --> 00:26:59,312
Are you sure you can't be persuaded
to wildly prance off with your pal?

555
00:26:59,313 --> 00:27:01,113
No, I'm going down to the library.

556
00:27:01,114 --> 00:27:03,916
You don't get to university
going to raves, do you?

557
00:27:05,819 --> 00:27:08,587
And it's to prance wildly, dad.
Don't split your infinitives.

558
00:27:10,424 --> 00:27:11,657
Come on, Rhona.

559
00:27:14,428 --> 00:27:16,028
Perhaps I misjudged the boy.

560
00:27:16,029 --> 00:27:19,365
The point is that we are alone.

561
00:27:19,366 --> 00:27:20,933
Yes, Raymond.

562
00:27:20,934 --> 00:27:23,035
And what I should like to propose

563
00:27:23,036 --> 00:27:25,037
Is that we clear away the things,

564
00:27:25,038 --> 00:27:26,372
Do the washing up,

565
00:27:26,373 --> 00:27:29,241
And then perhaps a bit of rumpy.

566
00:27:30,711 --> 00:27:32,678
I'll just have another cup of-

567
00:27:32,679 --> 00:27:33,879
I beg your pardon?

568
00:27:33,880 --> 00:27:36,882
I should like to make
love tonight, Patricia.

569
00:27:36,883 --> 00:27:40,018
And perhaps... Tomorrow morning.

570
00:27:40,019 --> 00:27:42,287
I might even be persuaded

571
00:27:42,288 --> 00:27:44,957
To have a bash at a different position.

572
00:27:44,958 --> 00:27:46,826
This is so sudden, so-

573
00:27:48,829 --> 00:27:50,396
So the sex therapist worked?

574
00:27:50,397 --> 00:27:52,231
Worked? She's a genius.

575
00:27:52,232 --> 00:27:55,568
Because I will do anything,
absolutely anything,

576
00:27:55,569 --> 00:27:59,338
As long as I don't have to
visit that foul woman ever again.

577
00:28:00,807 --> 00:28:03,409
( theme music playing )