1 00:00:03,088 --> 00:00:06,224 ( theme music playing ) 2 00:00:35,520 --> 00:00:37,655 Good afternoon. Carry on. 3 00:00:37,656 --> 00:00:39,557 Sit down, sit down. 4 00:00:39,558 --> 00:00:42,493 Now then, everybody, I have exciting news, 5 00:00:42,494 --> 00:00:44,629 Exciting news indeed. 6 00:00:44,630 --> 00:00:47,465 Gasforth has been selected to host the next 7 00:00:47,466 --> 00:00:50,100 Subdistrict regional police conference. 8 00:00:53,037 --> 00:00:55,439 Yes, I thought you'd be excited. 9 00:00:55,440 --> 00:00:57,341 When I read the letter this morning, 10 00:00:57,342 --> 00:00:59,843 I nearly had to have another cup of tea. 11 00:00:59,844 --> 00:01:02,680 We are to have an opportunity to put our views 12 00:01:02,681 --> 00:01:06,850 To a deputy assistant undersecretary of state to the cabinet, 13 00:01:06,851 --> 00:01:11,221 A man who has the ear of a man who has the ear of the man 14 00:01:11,222 --> 00:01:14,258 Who has a foot in the home office. 15 00:01:14,259 --> 00:01:16,860 You've lost me completely now, sir. 16 00:01:16,861 --> 00:01:20,731 We are just two ears and a foot from the home secretary. 17 00:01:20,732 --> 00:01:22,733 We must not waste this chance 18 00:01:22,734 --> 00:01:24,702 To place the issues that really count 19 00:01:24,703 --> 00:01:26,337 Right at the heart of government. 20 00:01:26,338 --> 00:01:27,871 You're absolutely right, sir. 21 00:01:27,872 --> 00:01:30,240 Let's ask the old git for a pay raise. 22 00:01:30,241 --> 00:01:32,576 There are some of us, constable Habib, who believe 23 00:01:32,577 --> 00:01:35,078 There is more to policing than the weekly stipend. 24 00:01:35,079 --> 00:01:38,182 Like being able to drive through red lights when you feel like it. 25 00:01:38,183 --> 00:01:40,451 I beg your pardon? 26 00:01:40,452 --> 00:01:43,086 And really cool riot gear like they have on robocop. 27 00:01:44,556 --> 00:01:45,889 And tear gas. 28 00:01:45,890 --> 00:01:48,025 I had to go with that once, it was brilliant. 29 00:01:48,026 --> 00:01:50,661 Except you have to check which way the wind is blowing 30 00:01:50,662 --> 00:01:53,531 'cause I forgot and it didn't half sting, went right in my eye. 31 00:01:53,532 --> 00:01:55,399 Goody. 32 00:01:55,400 --> 00:01:59,036 Tell 'em we want those long truncheons they have on "N.Y.P.D. Blue." 33 00:01:59,037 --> 00:02:00,938 Don't be absurd, constable. 34 00:02:00,939 --> 00:02:03,607 Those telegraph poles that american officers carry 35 00:02:03,608 --> 00:02:05,810 Are just so much macho posturing. 36 00:02:05,811 --> 00:02:08,612 The traditional truncheon is perfectly adequate. 37 00:02:08,613 --> 00:02:11,281 Personally I've always felt more than satisfied 38 00:02:11,282 --> 00:02:14,084 With 14 inches hanging down inside my trouser leg. 39 00:02:17,723 --> 00:02:20,758 - Have I said something amusing, constable Habib? - No, sir. 40 00:02:20,759 --> 00:02:24,395 Then you will oblige me by wiping that silly grin off your face. 41 00:02:24,396 --> 00:02:27,965 Anyway, the subject of the conference is rather specific. 42 00:02:27,966 --> 00:02:30,501 We have been asked to prepare an initiative 43 00:02:30,502 --> 00:02:33,303 On an aspect of juvenile crime. 44 00:02:33,304 --> 00:02:34,905 So what do you think it should be? 45 00:02:34,906 --> 00:02:37,875 Truancy? Taking without consent? 46 00:02:37,876 --> 00:02:41,945 - The scourge of graffiti? - I don't see graffiti as a scourge, sir. 47 00:02:41,946 --> 00:02:44,147 I see it as a new urban art form. 48 00:02:46,284 --> 00:02:48,552 Have you run mad, constable Habib? 49 00:02:48,553 --> 00:02:51,188 No, I'm serious, sir. Isn't it just a vibrant 50 00:02:51,189 --> 00:02:53,290 And contemporary form of youth expression? 51 00:02:53,291 --> 00:02:56,427 No, it's a bunch of nasty little yobs scribbling on walls. 52 00:02:57,763 --> 00:03:00,865 I blame these awful fridge magnets. 53 00:03:05,370 --> 00:03:07,605 Yes, and for those of us who are conducting 54 00:03:07,606 --> 00:03:09,507 This briefing on earth... 55 00:03:09,508 --> 00:03:12,009 I've seen it at my niece's house. 56 00:03:12,010 --> 00:03:15,212 Every time her toddler does a nasty little scribble 57 00:03:15,213 --> 00:03:17,180 It gets stuck up on the fridge. 58 00:03:17,181 --> 00:03:21,419 - Yes... - And everyone has to say how nice it is. 59 00:03:21,420 --> 00:03:23,654 So young people grow up thinking that 60 00:03:23,655 --> 00:03:27,357 Their stupid scribblings are somehow wonderful. 61 00:03:27,358 --> 00:03:29,894 So they carry on scribbling, forever searching 62 00:03:29,895 --> 00:03:34,364 For that warm glow of appreciation that they used to feel 63 00:03:34,365 --> 00:03:36,667 When standing round the fridge. 64 00:03:38,670 --> 00:03:41,405 Yes, and that completes this week's training session 65 00:03:41,406 --> 00:03:44,207 For the Gasforth police synchronized idiots team. 66 00:03:44,208 --> 00:03:47,177 Perhaps you can return to the subject of juvenile crime. 67 00:03:47,178 --> 00:03:49,613 I think the first step is to stop seeing 68 00:03:49,614 --> 00:03:51,982 These kids as nothing but criminal thugs, sir. 69 00:03:51,983 --> 00:03:54,217 And what other description might one find 70 00:03:54,218 --> 00:03:56,286 For those who vandalize property, 71 00:03:56,287 --> 00:03:58,155 Steal cars, and instruct me 72 00:03:58,156 --> 00:04:00,023 Whenever I venture out in my helmet 73 00:04:00,024 --> 00:04:03,126 To remove the cold tit from my head? 74 00:04:03,127 --> 00:04:05,596 These kids are bored. We've got to provide them 75 00:04:05,597 --> 00:04:07,531 With some meaning in their lives. 76 00:04:07,532 --> 00:04:10,901 Yes, constable Habib, in fact I was thinking along similar lines. 77 00:04:10,902 --> 00:04:14,271 What do you suggest we do to bring about this sense of moral renewal? 78 00:04:14,272 --> 00:04:17,575 Well, we need real jobs, decent housing, 79 00:04:17,576 --> 00:04:20,978 We need long-term investment in the urban social infrastructure. 80 00:04:20,979 --> 00:04:23,881 Hmm. Yes, I was thinking more along the lines 81 00:04:23,882 --> 00:04:26,116 Of a short camping trip. 82 00:04:27,185 --> 00:04:28,986 A camping trip? 83 00:04:28,987 --> 00:04:32,222 A bleeding camping trip? 84 00:04:32,223 --> 00:04:33,457 Blimey! 85 00:04:33,458 --> 00:04:35,659 Am I to take it that you do not approve 86 00:04:35,660 --> 00:04:37,495 Of my proposed initiative? 87 00:04:37,496 --> 00:04:39,296 Yes you may take it, Raymond, 88 00:04:39,297 --> 00:04:41,899 And you may shove it up your truncheon pouch. 89 00:04:41,900 --> 00:04:45,102 Society is collapsing round our ears, 90 00:04:45,103 --> 00:04:49,940 And baden-powell here calls for a chorus of ging gang goolies. 91 00:04:49,941 --> 00:04:53,544 - Ging gang gooly. - What? 92 00:04:53,545 --> 00:04:56,079 The goolies are singular. 93 00:04:56,080 --> 00:04:58,315 The song you refer to goes, 94 00:04:58,316 --> 00:05:00,818 "ging gang gooly gooly gooly gooly wotcher 95 00:05:00,819 --> 00:05:03,320 Ging gang goo ging gang goo"-- 96 00:05:03,321 --> 00:05:05,322 Fowler! 97 00:05:05,323 --> 00:05:08,959 We are discussing youth crime, which will not be solved 98 00:05:08,960 --> 00:05:13,463 By shoving a sausage on a stick and whistling "kumbaya." 99 00:05:13,464 --> 00:05:17,334 It's war out there, mate, war, and the bleeding kids are winning. 100 00:05:17,335 --> 00:05:20,571 It's not war, Derek, or anything of the sort. 101 00:05:20,572 --> 00:05:24,742 The vast majority of young people are law-abiding citizens. 102 00:05:24,743 --> 00:05:26,810 I admit we don't like them, 103 00:05:26,811 --> 00:05:30,380 But if it were illegal to be sex-mad, 104 00:05:30,381 --> 00:05:32,850 Tone-deaf, and impossible to understand, 105 00:05:32,851 --> 00:05:35,920 We should have to arrest the entire population of France. 106 00:05:37,923 --> 00:05:41,559 Our problem is the tiny minority of repeat offenders. 107 00:05:41,560 --> 00:05:44,929 Exactly, and what they need is a short, sharp shock, mate, 108 00:05:44,930 --> 00:05:47,164 Not having their coddles mollied. 109 00:05:47,165 --> 00:05:50,100 I have no intention of mollying anyone. 110 00:05:50,101 --> 00:05:52,670 What I'm proposing is tough, demanding, 111 00:05:52,671 --> 00:05:55,305 But ultimately rewarding physical endeavor. 112 00:05:55,306 --> 00:05:57,942 There is a course for probationary young offenders 113 00:05:57,943 --> 00:06:00,010 Run by brigadier Blaster Sump. 114 00:06:00,011 --> 00:06:02,680 Blaster Sump? That looney? 115 00:06:02,681 --> 00:06:06,316 - I admit he's eccentric. - Eccentric? The bloke tried to be the first man 116 00:06:06,317 --> 00:06:09,887 To reach the south pole in short trousers. 117 00:06:09,888 --> 00:06:14,324 Look, I'm not having you disgracing this station 118 00:06:14,325 --> 00:06:17,661 With a load of wishy-washy, diddums' 119 00:06:17,662 --> 00:06:21,765 Half cock, up your social worker, folderol, 120 00:06:21,766 --> 00:06:26,804 Blame it on society, psycho, sicko, socio, 121 00:06:26,805 --> 00:06:29,039 Claptrap crap. 122 00:06:31,309 --> 00:06:33,343 Well at least I'm doing something. 123 00:06:34,345 --> 00:06:36,313 What are you doing? Nothing. 124 00:06:36,314 --> 00:06:39,182 Where's your passion? Your commitment? 125 00:06:39,183 --> 00:06:41,485 You know what your trouble is, don't you? 126 00:06:41,486 --> 00:06:44,088 You have no bottom, man. 127 00:06:44,089 --> 00:06:48,525 Did you just call me a man with no bottom? 128 00:06:48,526 --> 00:06:50,694 Yes I did. Apart, of course, 129 00:06:50,695 --> 00:06:53,330 From the one you use to communicate with. 130 00:06:53,331 --> 00:06:55,198 Right. I'll show you who's got 131 00:06:55,199 --> 00:06:57,367 The bigger bottom round this station. 132 00:06:57,368 --> 00:07:00,537 C.I.D. are gonna make a presentation. 133 00:07:00,538 --> 00:07:04,141 I'll show the conference what you do with juvenile offenders. 134 00:07:04,142 --> 00:07:06,376 You nick 'em, you lock 'em up, 135 00:07:06,377 --> 00:07:08,912 And you throw away the door. 136 00:07:08,913 --> 00:07:10,681 I mean the key. 137 00:07:10,682 --> 00:07:12,582 You throw away the key. 138 00:07:14,252 --> 00:07:16,987 All right, sir, let's see your driving license. 139 00:07:16,988 --> 00:07:19,122 Do you have any idea who my father is? 140 00:07:19,123 --> 00:07:21,458 I'm afraid I can't help you on that one, sir. 141 00:07:23,461 --> 00:07:25,128 Have you tried asking your mother? 142 00:07:28,566 --> 00:07:32,068 What do you reckon, sir? ¶ doo-doo-doo, acid! ¶ 143 00:07:33,471 --> 00:07:36,039 Very nice, very ravey. 144 00:07:36,040 --> 00:07:39,576 - You gotta make the effort, haven't you, sir? - Yes you have, Kray. 145 00:07:39,577 --> 00:07:41,912 'cause this is a very important operation. 146 00:07:41,913 --> 00:07:44,815 And it's my ass, and if you stuff it 147 00:07:44,816 --> 00:07:47,183 I'm going to end up very red in the face. 148 00:07:48,486 --> 00:07:50,987 Now, the kids in this squat 149 00:07:50,988 --> 00:07:53,524 Are the nastiest little gits in the neighborhood? 150 00:07:53,525 --> 00:07:57,861 - All repeat offenders, sir. - Right, all we have to do is catch 'em at it. 151 00:07:57,862 --> 00:08:01,799 Undercover operation, constables, very sensitive stuff. 152 00:08:01,800 --> 00:08:03,634 Now... 153 00:08:03,635 --> 00:08:05,803 I'm a van driver, as you can see. 154 00:08:07,705 --> 00:08:11,475 You two will have to play the part of brain-dead juvenile morons. 155 00:08:11,476 --> 00:08:16,146 I'd probably be better off using some of Fowler's lot. 156 00:08:18,483 --> 00:08:20,451 - Did you hear that, Kray? - Yeah. 157 00:08:20,452 --> 00:08:24,287 I said a good one. I said, "I'd probably be better off--" 158 00:08:24,288 --> 00:08:26,289 Yes, brilliant, sir. 159 00:08:26,290 --> 00:08:29,693 Try not to be too hilarious, I've only got one pair of these trousers. 160 00:08:29,694 --> 00:08:33,129 Well anyway... Down to business. 161 00:08:33,130 --> 00:08:36,567 I'll show the subdistrict regional police conference 162 00:08:36,568 --> 00:08:39,202 What sort of kids the modern copper has to face. 163 00:08:39,203 --> 00:08:41,638 Nothing but villains and hooligans the lot of 'em. 164 00:08:41,639 --> 00:08:44,641 Do you know what? There's only one way to deal with it. 165 00:08:44,642 --> 00:08:46,477 You put the maternity hospitals 166 00:08:46,478 --> 00:08:48,712 Inside the juvenile detention centers. 167 00:08:48,713 --> 00:08:50,614 What? 168 00:08:50,615 --> 00:08:53,383 Out of the mom and into the cell? 169 00:08:53,384 --> 00:08:57,454 - Yeah. - That's a very good idea, Kray. 170 00:08:57,455 --> 00:09:01,191 I may suggest that to the home secretary. 171 00:09:01,192 --> 00:09:03,226 Come on. 172 00:09:03,227 --> 00:09:06,563 I'm really looking forward to going on this camping trip, 173 00:09:06,564 --> 00:09:09,533 Really getting back to basics. 174 00:09:09,534 --> 00:09:11,935 I always think that food tastes so much better 175 00:09:11,936 --> 00:09:14,905 If you have to open the tins yourself. 176 00:09:14,906 --> 00:09:17,273 Oh yes, it'll be good getting right back 177 00:09:17,274 --> 00:09:19,175 To nature and living life in the raw. 178 00:09:19,176 --> 00:09:22,679 You're not thinking of taking your clothes off are you, Kevin? 179 00:09:22,680 --> 00:09:25,516 As if. My mother would do her raving nana. 180 00:09:25,517 --> 00:09:27,450 Oh good, good. 181 00:09:27,451 --> 00:09:31,688 Because I always thought that naturism is a very dangerous idea. 182 00:09:31,689 --> 00:09:34,391 I mean it would only take one short-sighted squirrel. 183 00:09:34,392 --> 00:09:38,495 Well squirrels is all we're likely to see on this camping trip. 184 00:09:38,496 --> 00:09:40,263 Do you know, I wish there were still 185 00:09:40,264 --> 00:09:42,165 Proper, dangerous wild animals. 186 00:09:42,166 --> 00:09:44,267 Then I could save constable Habib from one 187 00:09:44,268 --> 00:09:45,769 And she'd fall in love with me. 188 00:09:45,770 --> 00:09:48,071 Lots of women are scared of spiders. 189 00:09:48,072 --> 00:09:49,740 Maybe Maggie is. 190 00:09:49,741 --> 00:09:52,809 If I put one in her tent, maybe you could save her from it. 191 00:09:52,810 --> 00:09:54,678 Yes, yes, that's quite a good plan. 192 00:09:54,679 --> 00:09:56,379 But the only problem is... 193 00:09:56,380 --> 00:09:58,448 I wouldn't go within five million miles 194 00:09:58,449 --> 00:10:00,383 Of any tent that had a spider in it. 195 00:10:03,821 --> 00:10:06,924 More social reports on juvenile repeat offenders, sir, 196 00:10:06,925 --> 00:10:09,292 Mostly connected with drugs and alcohol. 197 00:10:09,293 --> 00:10:11,828 Oh, great curried dumplings. 198 00:10:11,829 --> 00:10:14,464 It really is very depressing, isn't it? 199 00:10:14,465 --> 00:10:16,600 I just want to show a few youngsters 200 00:10:16,601 --> 00:10:19,169 That innocent pastimes can be fun too. 201 00:10:19,170 --> 00:10:22,405 - Yes, sir. - I mean, I didn't need drink and drugs 202 00:10:22,406 --> 00:10:24,808 To have a good time when I was their age. 203 00:10:24,809 --> 00:10:27,010 I had meccano. 204 00:10:28,813 --> 00:10:32,482 Ecstasy? Huh! I'll tell you what ecstasy is- 205 00:10:32,483 --> 00:10:36,620 Completing a scale model of the fourth bridge, that's what ecstasy is. 206 00:10:37,956 --> 00:10:40,691 It makes me sad to see these children today 207 00:10:40,692 --> 00:10:43,961 With their drugs and sex and music. 208 00:10:43,962 --> 00:10:46,496 They'll never know the joy a young lad can have 209 00:10:46,497 --> 00:10:48,565 Sitting alone in his room... 210 00:10:51,736 --> 00:10:54,905 With his tool in his hand... 211 00:10:54,906 --> 00:10:57,074 Tightening his little nuts. 212 00:10:57,075 --> 00:10:58,875 ( giggles ) 213 00:10:58,876 --> 00:11:00,577 ( faking cough ) 214 00:11:00,578 --> 00:11:03,914 - Sounds like you've got a cough coming on, constable. - Yeah. 215 00:11:06,217 --> 00:11:08,351 - ( loud music playing ) - Grim: Listen to 'em. 216 00:11:08,352 --> 00:11:10,587 Ruddy morons. 217 00:11:10,588 --> 00:11:13,056 High on ecstasy, no doubt. 218 00:11:13,057 --> 00:11:16,093 - ( sobbing ) - Kray: Yeah, well if that girl's on ecstasy, 219 00:11:16,094 --> 00:11:18,862 She should ask for her money back. 220 00:11:18,863 --> 00:11:20,831 Bas... 221 00:11:23,901 --> 00:11:25,902 - I've done it, Bas. - Told you it'd be easy. 222 00:11:25,903 --> 00:11:28,972 It was the most terrible thing I've ever had to do in my life. 223 00:11:28,973 --> 00:11:31,574 Yeah, yeah, it's horrible. Did you get my fags? 224 00:11:34,345 --> 00:11:37,514 Right, you two, this is it, let's hear your inane giggles. 225 00:11:39,817 --> 00:11:42,953 Not bad, not bad, we'll make detectives of you yet. 226 00:11:42,954 --> 00:11:45,355 Go on, then. Go and do your stuff. 227 00:11:48,159 --> 00:11:50,027 What's happening, man? Nice one. 228 00:11:50,028 --> 00:11:52,763 Yeah, happening. Sounds like a banging good rave. 229 00:11:53,798 --> 00:11:55,732 Got any E? I want to score. 230 00:11:55,733 --> 00:11:57,801 Bug off, copper. 231 00:12:04,241 --> 00:12:06,609 Some kids kicked over our bins, Pat. 232 00:12:06,610 --> 00:12:08,545 I was clearing it up a bit and I found this. 233 00:12:08,546 --> 00:12:11,048 You shouldn't have picked it up, it could be a bomb. 234 00:12:11,049 --> 00:12:13,650 If it is, it's a stink bomb. 235 00:12:13,651 --> 00:12:15,852 ( baby crying ) 236 00:12:21,693 --> 00:12:24,427 The social services are coming to take it to hospital 237 00:12:24,428 --> 00:12:27,130 - In about half an hour. - No hurry. 238 00:12:27,131 --> 00:12:30,400 How could somebody just dump their baby like that? 239 00:12:30,401 --> 00:12:32,602 She's so beautiful. 240 00:12:32,603 --> 00:12:34,871 She's ugly, Pat. 241 00:12:34,872 --> 00:12:37,841 All newborn babies are. They're like prunes. 242 00:12:37,842 --> 00:12:40,443 They get nice, but they start ugly. 243 00:12:40,444 --> 00:12:44,047 How would you look after you'd spent nine months in somebody's stomach? 244 00:12:44,048 --> 00:12:46,649 That's true, that's true. I've seen things 245 00:12:46,650 --> 00:12:50,553 That haven't spent more than five minutes in my stomach. 246 00:12:50,554 --> 00:12:55,458 I wouldn't want to go wheeling them around tesco's in a pram. 247 00:12:56,594 --> 00:12:58,494 Habib, it's all hands to the pumps. 248 00:12:58,495 --> 00:13:01,264 There's been a disturbance at the britannia social club. 249 00:13:01,265 --> 00:13:04,300 Some kind of right-wing meeting has developed into an affray. 250 00:13:04,301 --> 00:13:07,170 If it's fascists, sir, am I the best person to go? 251 00:13:07,171 --> 00:13:10,473 - I might provoke things. - What do you mean? 252 00:13:10,474 --> 00:13:13,643 Well, sir, I'm Asian. 253 00:13:13,644 --> 00:13:17,347 I don't care if you've just beamed down from venus, constable. 254 00:13:17,348 --> 00:13:20,683 You are a police officer and we recognize only one color- 255 00:13:20,684 --> 00:13:22,919 That of the thin blue line. 256 00:13:22,920 --> 00:13:25,922 For god's sake, Raymond, don't be such a pompous git. 257 00:13:27,324 --> 00:13:29,392 As a matter of fact, I did not hear that. 258 00:13:29,393 --> 00:13:31,594 ( shouts ) I said don't be such a pompous git. 259 00:13:31,595 --> 00:13:33,230 ( baby crying ) 260 00:13:33,231 --> 00:13:35,098 Now look, you've upset the baby. 261 00:13:36,935 --> 00:13:39,636 - ( skinheads chanting ) - get off me, you fascist! 262 00:13:43,074 --> 00:13:46,009 Goody: Keep the noise down or I will lose my temper. 263 00:13:46,010 --> 00:13:48,378 - Ohhh! - We're not going to warn you again. 264 00:13:48,379 --> 00:13:51,048 - Into the cells. - Now, not next christmas. 265 00:13:51,049 --> 00:13:53,584 Paki cow. Get back to freakin' curryland. 266 00:13:53,585 --> 00:13:55,986 You ain't fit enough to lick english boots. 267 00:13:55,987 --> 00:13:58,589 - What did you say? - It's all right, Kevin. 268 00:13:58,590 --> 00:14:02,192 I said she's a black tart and she should go back to the jungle. 269 00:14:03,695 --> 00:14:06,663 ( crying ) I'm telling my mom. 270 00:14:06,664 --> 00:14:09,232 Oh no... 271 00:14:09,233 --> 00:14:11,501 You shouldn't have done that, Kevin. 272 00:14:11,502 --> 00:14:14,137 But thanks. 273 00:14:18,610 --> 00:14:21,511 Is she? Is she? 274 00:14:21,512 --> 00:14:23,747 Well I expect that'll just be wind. 275 00:14:23,748 --> 00:14:26,049 When I had her I found that just rubbing her back 276 00:14:26,050 --> 00:14:30,020 And the tinniest drop of calpol on her dummy and she'd go down. 277 00:14:30,021 --> 00:14:33,490 Well yes I know I only had her for three quarters of an hour, but- 278 00:14:33,491 --> 00:14:37,127 Well anyway, just make sure she's not sleeping on her tummy, and- 279 00:14:37,128 --> 00:14:40,063 Goodbye. 280 00:14:40,064 --> 00:14:42,132 - Do you want to know something? - No. 281 00:14:42,133 --> 00:14:44,601 10 years from now there won't be a woman on the force, 282 00:14:44,602 --> 00:14:46,637 And do you know why? Women's lib. 283 00:14:46,638 --> 00:14:49,006 Oh yeah? And how'd you work that out then? 284 00:14:49,007 --> 00:14:51,407 Women have babies, right? But you can't sack 'em, 285 00:14:51,408 --> 00:14:54,210 'cause if you do - bosh, 200 grand compensation. 286 00:14:54,211 --> 00:14:56,113 I don't see why a woman should lose her job 287 00:14:56,114 --> 00:14:58,581 For performing an essential function of existence. 288 00:14:58,582 --> 00:15:02,085 That's fine. Except your average villain objects to being interviewed 289 00:15:02,086 --> 00:15:04,021 By a copper with leaky nipples. 290 00:15:06,124 --> 00:15:09,459 Catch-22, isn't it? Can't do the job, can't be sacked. 291 00:15:09,460 --> 00:15:11,962 Answer - don't take 'em on in the first place. 292 00:15:11,963 --> 00:15:13,764 Not all women want babies, anyway. 293 00:15:13,765 --> 00:15:15,565 All women want babies. 294 00:15:15,566 --> 00:15:18,735 They say they don't, then bang, they turn 30 and suddenly it's 295 00:15:18,736 --> 00:15:22,773 "quick, put a bun in my oven before my gas runs out." 296 00:15:22,774 --> 00:15:25,042 You are such a neanderthal. 297 00:15:25,043 --> 00:15:27,510 - Eh? - Pat, you're in your 30s, 298 00:15:27,511 --> 00:15:31,514 - You aren't desperate for a child, are you? - No, not at all, not desperate. 299 00:15:31,515 --> 00:15:34,217 You have to remember the restrictions babies bring. 300 00:15:34,218 --> 00:15:37,487 The sleepless nights, the sick all over everything, 301 00:15:37,488 --> 00:15:40,290 The fat little cheeks you just want to gobble up. 302 00:15:40,291 --> 00:15:42,425 The laughs, the smiles. 303 00:15:43,761 --> 00:15:46,163 I can take it or leave it. 304 00:15:46,164 --> 00:15:49,766 Habib, you and Goody in my office, now. 305 00:15:51,736 --> 00:15:56,073 Constable Goody, I've received a very serious complaint. 306 00:15:56,074 --> 00:16:00,811 Did you punch a handcuffed 15-year-old boy last night 307 00:16:00,812 --> 00:16:02,913 While taking him to the cells? 308 00:16:02,914 --> 00:16:05,015 He was defending me, sir. 309 00:16:05,016 --> 00:16:07,617 He was defending you, constable Habib? 310 00:16:07,618 --> 00:16:09,285 Oh I see. 311 00:16:09,286 --> 00:16:11,121 And exactly what threat did this 312 00:16:11,122 --> 00:16:14,157 Securely handcuffed juvenile pose? 313 00:16:14,158 --> 00:16:16,559 What he threatening to wither you with a glance? 314 00:16:16,560 --> 00:16:20,130 He was using racist abuse, sir. 315 00:16:20,131 --> 00:16:22,632 The boy has swastikas tattooed on his arms. 316 00:16:22,633 --> 00:16:25,035 What did you expect him to do? 317 00:16:25,036 --> 00:16:27,537 Give you a chorus of "ebony and ivory"? 318 00:16:29,807 --> 00:16:32,909 You fool, Goody. You bloody fool. 319 00:16:32,910 --> 00:16:36,412 - Suppose the lad had sustained brain damage? - Huh! How would we tell? 320 00:16:36,413 --> 00:16:39,649 Don't you dare be facetious with me, young woman. 321 00:16:39,650 --> 00:16:44,654 - I'm sorry, sir. - I'm afraid we're a long way past sorry, constable. 322 00:16:44,655 --> 00:16:49,126 You have created an appallingly serious situation. 323 00:16:49,127 --> 00:16:52,162 - I'm going to have to charge you with assault. - Sir, you can't! 324 00:16:52,163 --> 00:16:54,998 - Did Goody hit the boy, constable Habib? - Yes, sir. 325 00:16:54,999 --> 00:16:57,901 Was Goody or anyone else in any physical danger at the time? 326 00:16:57,902 --> 00:16:59,936 - No, sir. - Under the circumstances then, 327 00:16:59,937 --> 00:17:01,938 What do you consider to be my duty? 328 00:17:01,939 --> 00:17:05,776 You - you could issue a severe reprimand, sir. 329 00:17:05,777 --> 00:17:08,511 I'm afraid I do not have that option, constable. 330 00:17:08,512 --> 00:17:11,148 The boy's mother is pressing charges. 331 00:17:13,117 --> 00:17:15,852 Constable Goody, you will continue with your duties, 332 00:17:15,853 --> 00:17:19,355 - Pending an investigation for unprovoked assault. - Yes, sir. 333 00:17:19,356 --> 00:17:21,057 That will be all. 334 00:17:22,359 --> 00:17:24,161 These boots are killing me. 335 00:17:24,162 --> 00:17:27,597 You should have stuffed them with damp newspaper, and leave overnight. 336 00:17:27,598 --> 00:17:30,000 Ah, good, good. Carry on, carry on. 337 00:17:30,001 --> 00:17:32,002 Marvelous. 338 00:17:33,070 --> 00:17:35,738 Well sergeant, we're off. 339 00:17:35,739 --> 00:17:39,075 It is a far, far better thing I do than I have ever done. 340 00:17:39,076 --> 00:17:43,513 We shall drive to the squat, collect a minibus full of miscreants, 341 00:17:43,514 --> 00:17:47,717 And escort them along the rocky path to the straight and narrow. 342 00:17:47,718 --> 00:17:50,086 Yes, Raymond, and perhaps next weekend 343 00:17:50,087 --> 00:17:52,222 You could take the Arabs and the Israelis 344 00:17:52,223 --> 00:17:54,390 To Chessington zoo for the day? 345 00:17:55,759 --> 00:17:58,461 Dear, oh dear. 346 00:17:58,462 --> 00:18:00,763 Dib-dib-dib. 347 00:18:00,764 --> 00:18:02,899 Dob-dob-dob. 348 00:18:02,900 --> 00:18:05,101 Lovely legs, Raymond. 349 00:18:05,102 --> 00:18:07,637 You watch out for those sheep, 350 00:18:07,638 --> 00:18:09,772 They'll nibble your toggle, mate. 351 00:18:09,773 --> 00:18:11,374 ( Grim laughing ) 352 00:18:11,375 --> 00:18:13,910 Are you sure I can't persuade you to come, Derek? 353 00:18:13,911 --> 00:18:17,080 I'm a policeman, not a bleeding girl guide, Raymond. 354 00:18:17,081 --> 00:18:19,749 Besides, I'm rather busy tonight. 355 00:18:19,750 --> 00:18:23,253 While you fanny about rewarding young offenders, 356 00:18:23,254 --> 00:18:25,755 I shall be nicking a few. 357 00:18:25,756 --> 00:18:28,358 Dear, oh dear, oh dear. 358 00:18:28,359 --> 00:18:29,625 ( laughs ) 359 00:18:30,627 --> 00:18:32,262 ( tires screech ) 360 00:18:32,263 --> 00:18:35,131 Grim: Go, go, go, go, go, go. 361 00:18:35,132 --> 00:18:37,433 Go, go, go, go, go, go, go. 362 00:18:38,435 --> 00:18:40,303 ( doorbell rings ) 363 00:18:40,304 --> 00:18:43,506 Right, they've had long enough. Kray, give it some mallet. 364 00:18:43,507 --> 00:18:47,344 They're out now. Some of your lot have taken 'em camping. 365 00:18:49,413 --> 00:18:50,747 ( curses ) 366 00:18:50,748 --> 00:18:53,350 Fowler has nicked my villains. 367 00:18:53,351 --> 00:18:56,086 ( screaming ) 368 00:19:00,124 --> 00:19:03,226 My name's blaster sump, damn you. 369 00:19:03,227 --> 00:19:06,563 Now- 370 00:19:06,564 --> 00:19:08,865 You play a straight bat with me 371 00:19:08,866 --> 00:19:11,635 And you'll find we'll rub along pretty well together. 372 00:19:11,636 --> 00:19:14,203 Use a bent bat, however, a wobbly bat, 373 00:19:14,204 --> 00:19:17,073 A bat with a hole in it and bits sticking out of the end, 374 00:19:17,074 --> 00:19:21,277 And by thunder I'll crush your young testicles beneath the hard granite 375 00:19:21,278 --> 00:19:23,446 Of the mull of Ben Craggy. 376 00:19:23,447 --> 00:19:25,982 And those of the party not equipped with testicles? 377 00:19:25,983 --> 00:19:29,586 - The victims of tragic accidents, you mean? - No, I mean girls. 378 00:19:29,587 --> 00:19:33,189 Fortunately I've never been called upon to discipline a girl. 379 00:19:33,190 --> 00:19:35,491 No, quite the other way round as a matter of fact. 380 00:19:35,492 --> 00:19:38,695 - ( phone rings ) - oh, hell's tits! 381 00:19:38,696 --> 00:19:41,264 Yes? Brigadier Blaster Sump, damn you. 382 00:19:41,265 --> 00:19:43,266 What do you want? Can't you see I'm busy? 383 00:19:44,602 --> 00:19:46,636 Damn technology. 384 00:19:46,637 --> 00:19:50,473 A present from Mrs. Blaster Sump, God rot her vicious soul. 385 00:19:50,474 --> 00:19:53,743 "hey, guvnor," I said, "do you want to buy me something useful? 386 00:19:53,744 --> 00:19:55,879 Then get me a big stick with a nail in the end 387 00:19:55,880 --> 00:19:58,448 And somebody who deserves a damn good thrashing." 388 00:19:58,449 --> 00:20:01,017 Huh? Huh? Huh? 389 00:20:01,018 --> 00:20:03,286 Ah... Mmm. 390 00:20:03,287 --> 00:20:06,856 Now here's your gear, you'll find everything you could possibly need, 391 00:20:06,857 --> 00:20:09,059 From lavatory paper to sandpaper. 392 00:20:09,060 --> 00:20:11,027 Don't confuse the two. 393 00:20:11,028 --> 00:20:14,497 I did myself once. Not a wholly unpleasant experience, 394 00:20:14,498 --> 00:20:17,433 But then I went to charterhouse. 395 00:20:17,434 --> 00:20:19,703 Right, well I think that's everything. 396 00:20:19,704 --> 00:20:23,239 Let's get up that mountain like a ferret up a trouser leg, huh? 397 00:20:23,240 --> 00:20:25,809 Brigadier Blaster Sump- 398 00:20:25,810 --> 00:20:27,811 Yes, young lady? 399 00:20:27,812 --> 00:20:31,014 I'm a trained orienteer, as are two of my officers. 400 00:20:31,015 --> 00:20:33,249 We wish only to use your equipment. 401 00:20:33,250 --> 00:20:34,985 Damn you, you bitch! 402 00:20:34,986 --> 00:20:37,020 Are you telling me I'm off the team? 403 00:20:37,021 --> 00:20:39,055 Reluctantly, sir, yes. 404 00:20:39,056 --> 00:20:40,857 Oh well, probably just as well. 405 00:20:40,858 --> 00:20:43,226 I like to sleep naked when I'm out of doors. 406 00:20:43,227 --> 00:20:46,896 We don't want you young ladies getting all flushed and dampened, do we? 407 00:20:46,897 --> 00:20:49,232 It's not that I cut quite such a dash as I used to 408 00:20:49,233 --> 00:20:52,235 Since that savage encounter with a short-sighted squirrel. 409 00:20:52,236 --> 00:20:56,640 All right then, off you go and last one to the summit's a euro-federalist. 410 00:20:56,641 --> 00:20:59,375 - Go on, go away with you. - ( shrieking ) 411 00:21:04,314 --> 00:21:08,652 Now, when I was a boy scout back in Trinidad, 412 00:21:08,653 --> 00:21:11,354 They taught us how to light a fire with a stick 413 00:21:11,355 --> 00:21:13,289 And a piece of string. 414 00:21:15,059 --> 00:21:19,029 I could never understand why because I found it a lot easier to use matches. 415 00:21:22,033 --> 00:21:24,901 Well, long walk tomorrow. 416 00:21:24,902 --> 00:21:26,770 Best turn in. 417 00:21:26,771 --> 00:21:28,805 Great heavenly chestnuts, 418 00:21:28,806 --> 00:21:31,541 My sleeping bag will be a welcome sight tonight. 419 00:21:35,680 --> 00:21:37,647 Unless of course I can interest anyone 420 00:21:37,648 --> 00:21:39,849 In a chorus or two of "ging gang gooly gooly." 421 00:21:41,385 --> 00:21:43,586 Sir, sir - Natalie's disappeared. 422 00:21:45,790 --> 00:21:47,991 - Gladstone: Natalie! - Habib: Natalie! 423 00:21:47,992 --> 00:21:49,993 - Natalie! - Natalie! 424 00:21:53,664 --> 00:21:56,232 Nothing at all, sir. She's vanished. 425 00:21:56,233 --> 00:21:59,569 What on earth could have moved the girl to abscond like that? 426 00:21:59,570 --> 00:22:02,338 On wrong step in the dark and she could fall to her death. 427 00:22:02,339 --> 00:22:04,841 Habib: Inspector Fowler - we found her. 428 00:22:04,842 --> 00:22:07,944 This is your fault, Bas. You made me do it. 429 00:22:07,945 --> 00:22:10,814 Do what? Tell me what this nonsense is all about, boy, 430 00:22:10,815 --> 00:22:13,216 Or by thunder you'll live to regret it. 431 00:22:13,217 --> 00:22:16,319 It's the baby. I told her to get rid of it. 432 00:22:16,320 --> 00:22:19,689 So the silly cow dumped it by some rubbish outside your nick. 433 00:22:19,690 --> 00:22:22,625 She reckons it got thrown away, she reckons she killed it. 434 00:22:22,626 --> 00:22:26,395 I say so what? Who cares? It probably weren't mine anyway. 435 00:22:26,396 --> 00:22:28,598 Why, you little- 436 00:22:31,969 --> 00:22:34,804 Habib: Natalie... 437 00:22:34,805 --> 00:22:37,406 - I found your baby. - You found her? 438 00:22:37,407 --> 00:22:39,575 Yes, she's all right, she's in hospital. 439 00:22:39,576 --> 00:22:42,879 - You didn't kill her. - I didn't mean it. 440 00:22:42,880 --> 00:22:45,014 I do love her. 441 00:22:45,015 --> 00:22:49,052 Well I think it's time we all got some rest. 442 00:22:49,053 --> 00:22:52,722 As you go to sleep, I want you to think hard about the lessons learned today. 443 00:22:52,723 --> 00:22:55,491 Think about... 444 00:22:55,492 --> 00:22:57,460 Turning over a new leaf. 445 00:22:59,529 --> 00:23:03,633 - Will you do that? - Kids: Yes, inspector Fowler. 446 00:23:03,634 --> 00:23:06,035 Good night. 447 00:23:17,681 --> 00:23:20,616 Oh, bugger! 448 00:23:23,687 --> 00:23:25,555 Habib that is enough. 449 00:23:25,556 --> 00:23:28,491 I cannot drop the charges against constable Goody. 450 00:23:28,492 --> 00:23:30,693 The boy's mother is here now. 451 00:23:30,694 --> 00:23:33,095 There is nothing I can do about it. 452 00:23:33,096 --> 00:23:35,531 I bet you could if you really wanted to. 453 00:23:35,532 --> 00:23:38,568 - Don't be insubordinate, constable. - But you don't want to 454 00:23:38,569 --> 00:23:41,070 Because you think he should be charged. And why? 455 00:23:41,071 --> 00:23:45,441 Because the precise letter of the law is more important to you than justice. 456 00:23:45,442 --> 00:23:46,976 You understand what Kevin did. 457 00:23:46,977 --> 00:23:49,011 You nearly slapped that thug on the mountain. 458 00:23:49,012 --> 00:23:51,981 And had I done so I would expect to face the consequences. 459 00:23:51,982 --> 00:23:54,417 We do not have a choice in this matter. 460 00:23:54,418 --> 00:23:58,488 The police cannot choose when and when not to enforce the law. 461 00:23:58,489 --> 00:24:02,825 If we do that, how can we expect the public ever to trust us? 462 00:24:02,826 --> 00:24:06,228 If I could see a way out of this, believe me I'd take it. 463 00:24:06,229 --> 00:24:08,298 But I can't. 464 00:24:13,637 --> 00:24:17,740 Ah, come in. Please sit down. 465 00:24:21,312 --> 00:24:24,514 Now then, Mrs. Bludger, 466 00:24:24,515 --> 00:24:27,617 You have brought charges of assault against one of my officers. 467 00:24:27,618 --> 00:24:30,753 Where's the thug that hit my defenseless boy? 468 00:24:30,754 --> 00:24:34,624 Little Geoffrey here could have been permanently brain damaged. 469 00:24:34,625 --> 00:24:36,225 Possibly... 470 00:24:36,226 --> 00:24:39,462 But I cannot imagine how we would tell. 471 00:24:39,463 --> 00:24:43,165 I want to know from the lad himself exactly what happened. 472 00:24:43,166 --> 00:24:45,901 I ain't talkin' to no copper without my lawyer. 473 00:24:45,902 --> 00:24:49,672 You bleeding well talk to him or I'll fetch your father from the pub. 474 00:24:51,107 --> 00:24:53,075 ( whimpering ) 475 00:24:55,879 --> 00:25:00,416 Mrs. Bludger, are you aware of the european law regarding the treatment of minors? 476 00:25:00,417 --> 00:25:04,253 - Eh? - Oh well, it doesn't matter. Ignorance is no defense. 477 00:25:04,254 --> 00:25:07,523 I'm arresting you for assaulting your child. 478 00:25:07,524 --> 00:25:11,260 - Do what? - On the other hand, of course, 479 00:25:11,261 --> 00:25:14,263 We could forget the whole thing. 480 00:25:15,732 --> 00:25:17,700 I hope you learned your lesson, laddie. 481 00:25:17,701 --> 00:25:19,535 Yes I have, sir, thank you for asking. 482 00:25:21,405 --> 00:25:25,574 Of all the juveniles in Gasforth and you had to pinch mine. 483 00:25:27,544 --> 00:25:30,279 We worked damn hard on that pull. 484 00:25:30,280 --> 00:25:32,815 - Didn't we, Kray? - What? 485 00:25:32,816 --> 00:25:36,251 Now I've got nothing to present to the deputy assistant undersecretary 486 00:25:36,252 --> 00:25:38,688 At the subdistrict regional conference. 487 00:25:38,689 --> 00:25:41,256 Well, Derek, I've been thinking. 488 00:25:41,257 --> 00:25:44,293 Oh, god save us! 489 00:25:44,294 --> 00:25:46,729 The conference is about youth. 490 00:25:46,730 --> 00:25:49,699 Who better to discuss it than youthful coppers? 491 00:25:49,700 --> 00:25:52,901 You have a story to tell, constable Goody. 492 00:25:52,902 --> 00:25:55,805 Perhaps conference should hear it? 493 00:25:55,806 --> 00:25:59,308 Yes, I think it should. 494 00:26:04,781 --> 00:26:06,782 What story would that be then? 495 00:26:15,325 --> 00:26:17,626 I couldn't believe the crush at the checkout. 496 00:26:17,627 --> 00:26:19,628 I was in the six-items-or-less queue. 497 00:26:19,629 --> 00:26:22,398 The woman in front of me had some special-offer toothpaste, 498 00:26:22,399 --> 00:26:24,933 A big tube with a little one cellotaped on for free. 499 00:26:24,934 --> 00:26:26,702 That's two items, isn't it? 500 00:26:26,703 --> 00:26:28,738 Which brought her up to seven. 501 00:26:28,739 --> 00:26:30,773 Seven items in the six items queue. 502 00:26:30,774 --> 00:26:32,775 I cannot stand that sort of thing. 503 00:26:32,776 --> 00:26:34,943 Well you're right not to. 504 00:26:34,944 --> 00:26:38,213 That type of antisocial behavior corrupts the entire system. 505 00:26:38,214 --> 00:26:40,983 - I hope you said something. - I very nearly said something. 506 00:26:40,984 --> 00:26:43,919 - You should have said something. - I was gonna say something. 507 00:26:43,920 --> 00:26:46,622 Then I saw these on a promotional stand by the till. 508 00:26:46,623 --> 00:26:48,858 I just couldn't resist them. What do you think? 509 00:26:48,859 --> 00:26:51,159 I don't think they'll fit you. 510 00:26:51,160 --> 00:26:53,228 I don't know why I got them really, 511 00:26:53,229 --> 00:26:55,765 Just they were on special and it seemed silly not to. 512 00:26:55,766 --> 00:26:58,100 I suppose now we've got the socks and everything, 513 00:26:58,101 --> 00:26:59,935 It'd be silly not to have a baby. 514 00:26:59,936 --> 00:27:02,505 Well I have to think about these things, 515 00:27:02,506 --> 00:27:05,875 - I'm not getting any younger. - Nobody gets any younger, Patricia, 516 00:27:05,876 --> 00:27:08,711 With the possible exception of Joan Collins. 517 00:27:08,712 --> 00:27:10,546 It's just a fact of life. 518 00:27:10,547 --> 00:27:12,548 It's all very well for you, 519 00:27:12,549 --> 00:27:14,817 You've been married, you've had a child. 520 00:27:14,818 --> 00:27:18,788 Yes, and he's the best argument I can think of for not having another. 521 00:27:18,789 --> 00:27:22,324 Besides which, we haven't got time to start a family. 522 00:27:22,325 --> 00:27:26,529 Ours is not an occupation one can walk away from at the end of the day. 523 00:27:26,530 --> 00:27:29,698 I'm a police officer. You're a police officer. 524 00:27:29,699 --> 00:27:33,168 - I am also a woman. - I know that, Patricia. 525 00:27:33,169 --> 00:27:34,937 But you must get a grip. 526 00:27:34,938 --> 00:27:37,072 There is no place in the queen's uniform 527 00:27:37,073 --> 00:27:39,174 For ill-disciplined hormones. 528 00:27:43,212 --> 00:27:45,213 You do realize, Patricia, 529 00:27:45,214 --> 00:27:47,650 That if you hit me with that halibut, 530 00:27:47,651 --> 00:27:50,553 You lay yourself open to charges of assault. 531 00:27:50,554 --> 00:27:53,388 Give me the fish, Patricia. 532 00:27:53,389 --> 00:27:55,324 Give me the fish. 533 00:28:01,832 --> 00:28:04,567 You may think yourself lucky that we're not having 534 00:28:04,568 --> 00:28:06,569 A leg of lamb for supper tonight, 535 00:28:06,570 --> 00:28:08,904 Or this whole incident could have been 536 00:28:08,905 --> 00:28:11,607 Much more serio- 537 00:28:11,608 --> 00:28:14,242 ( theme music playing ) 9999 00:00:0,500 --> 00:00:2,00 www.tvsubtitles.net