1 00:00:04,533 --> 00:00:07,001 Good evening, everybody. 2 00:00:07,002 --> 00:00:10,104 Never judge a book by its cover, 3 00:00:10,105 --> 00:00:13,808 Particularly if that cover quotes an obscure journal 4 00:00:13,809 --> 00:00:17,245 Claiming it to be the best book ever written. 5 00:00:17,246 --> 00:00:19,314 I made that mistake recently 6 00:00:19,315 --> 00:00:22,651 And found myself reading a book about drugs and sex, 7 00:00:22,652 --> 00:00:27,489 Which are scarcely suitable subjects for fiction. 8 00:00:27,490 --> 00:00:30,358 If I hadn't been on a stopping train to Aberystwyth, 9 00:00:30,359 --> 00:00:33,995 I should have cast the thing aside unread. 10 00:00:33,996 --> 00:00:36,230 Appearances, as we shall see, 11 00:00:36,231 --> 00:00:39,434 Are like bus timetables... 12 00:00:39,435 --> 00:00:43,871 Often highly misleading. 13 00:00:43,872 --> 00:00:46,408 ( theme music playing ) 14 00:00:59,154 --> 00:01:02,156 Raymond, there's something I need to discuss with you. 15 00:01:02,157 --> 00:01:05,059 I see. And are you addressing me as your commanding officer, 16 00:01:05,060 --> 00:01:07,529 - Or as your boyfriend? - Does it make a difference? 17 00:01:07,530 --> 00:01:11,299 Certainly it makes a difference. The public pays me to be your commanding officer, 18 00:01:11,300 --> 00:01:14,035 It does not pay me to be your boyfriend. 19 00:01:14,036 --> 00:01:16,771 If you were to ask me a boyfriend question like, 20 00:01:16,772 --> 00:01:19,708 "I think I've left the gas on at home, what shall I do?" 21 00:01:19,709 --> 00:01:22,176 I should feel unable to answer until lunchtime. 22 00:01:23,879 --> 00:01:26,113 By which time our house would have exploded. 23 00:01:26,114 --> 00:01:29,083 Making it a police matter with which I would feel justified 24 00:01:29,084 --> 00:01:30,885 In dealing on police time. 25 00:01:30,886 --> 00:01:32,687 I see. 26 00:01:32,688 --> 00:01:35,990 Well, I suppose this is a matter of advice. 27 00:01:35,991 --> 00:01:38,860 And I would like you to answer partly as my commander, 28 00:01:38,861 --> 00:01:40,628 And partly as my boyfriend. 29 00:01:40,629 --> 00:01:42,564 Good, well that seems simple enough. 30 00:01:42,565 --> 00:01:44,198 I shall give you my police answer now, 31 00:01:44,199 --> 00:01:46,468 For which of course, the public will be paying me, 32 00:01:46,469 --> 00:01:48,837 And I shall give you my personal answer over lunch, 33 00:01:48,838 --> 00:01:51,239 For which I will expect no reimbursement, 34 00:01:51,240 --> 00:01:54,709 Other than the satisfaction of being your helpmeet. 35 00:01:54,710 --> 00:01:58,380 Right. Well, here's my problem. 36 00:01:58,381 --> 00:02:00,582 If you know something is wrong, 37 00:02:00,583 --> 00:02:04,018 But the method by which you know it is wrong is also wrong, 38 00:02:04,019 --> 00:02:07,422 Is it right to right the wrong? Or wrong to do right? 39 00:02:07,423 --> 00:02:10,291 Because the real wrong is that it was not right to know the wrong, 40 00:02:10,292 --> 00:02:12,494 And so righting the wrong cannot be right. 41 00:02:12,495 --> 00:02:15,296 Yes, I see. 42 00:02:15,297 --> 00:02:18,099 Well, speaking as your commanding officer, 43 00:02:18,100 --> 00:02:20,502 I'm afraid I don't quite follow. 44 00:02:20,503 --> 00:02:23,638 - ( knocking on door ) - Sir, the town hall's on the line. 45 00:02:23,639 --> 00:02:26,107 The mayoress wants to come see you this lunchtime. 46 00:02:26,108 --> 00:02:30,445 - ( gasps ) Dame Christabel Wickham! - I'll take this. 47 00:02:30,446 --> 00:02:32,680 Dame Christabel, you're a stuck-up tart 48 00:02:32,681 --> 00:02:34,582 Why don't you bog off and die. 49 00:02:38,186 --> 00:02:41,022 Dame Christabel, there is a female lunatic in my office. 50 00:02:41,023 --> 00:02:43,525 Get off, you female lunatic. How dare you insult 51 00:02:43,526 --> 00:02:46,394 Gasforth's most distinguished public servant? 52 00:02:46,395 --> 00:02:48,430 Restrain her, somebody... Ohh! 53 00:02:48,431 --> 00:02:50,565 It's for your own good, madam. 54 00:02:50,566 --> 00:02:53,835 Give me back that phone, I said give me back that phone. 55 00:02:53,836 --> 00:02:57,038 Constable, constable... 56 00:02:57,039 --> 00:02:59,774 Yes, sir? Remove her to a caring institution 57 00:02:59,775 --> 00:03:02,310 Where she can receive the treatment she so clearly needs. 58 00:03:02,311 --> 00:03:04,412 That I will do, sir. 59 00:03:06,148 --> 00:03:08,316 She's gone. 60 00:03:08,317 --> 00:03:11,586 Hello? Oh my god, she's rung off! 61 00:03:11,587 --> 00:03:13,588 No, sir, she was never on. 62 00:03:13,589 --> 00:03:15,557 I haven't put her through yet. 63 00:03:18,894 --> 00:03:21,262 Oh, I see. 64 00:03:21,263 --> 00:03:24,398 Haaaaa. 65 00:03:24,399 --> 00:03:26,634 Oh well- oh in that case uh, just tell her 66 00:03:26,635 --> 00:03:29,270 I should be delighted to receive her, Habib. 67 00:03:29,271 --> 00:03:33,708 - Most delighted. - I'll try and strike the right tone, sir. 68 00:03:33,709 --> 00:03:35,810 Now if you could kindly haul your mind 69 00:03:35,811 --> 00:03:37,979 Back from your fantasies of tight little skirts 70 00:03:37,980 --> 00:03:40,815 And first-class degrees from Oxbridge... 71 00:03:40,816 --> 00:03:44,218 - Mmm? - We were discussing my problem. 72 00:03:44,219 --> 00:03:46,654 Yes. Look, Patricia, would it be all right 73 00:03:46,655 --> 00:03:48,422 If I ignored you completely? 74 00:03:48,423 --> 00:03:51,993 Not at all, Raymond, I'll just pretend we were in bed. 75 00:03:51,994 --> 00:03:54,963 You see, the mayoress is coming 76 00:03:54,964 --> 00:03:57,799 In only three and a half hours and I must be prepared. 77 00:03:57,800 --> 00:03:59,701 Oh damn, diddle and doo-dah! 78 00:03:59,702 --> 00:04:01,936 This would be the week when my nose-hair clippers 79 00:04:01,937 --> 00:04:04,438 Are being resharpened at the ironmongers. 80 00:04:04,439 --> 00:04:06,440 Raymond, this is serious. 81 00:04:06,441 --> 00:04:08,943 I've been studying the weekend tapes 82 00:04:08,944 --> 00:04:11,880 Of the town center closed-circuit tv cameras. 83 00:04:11,881 --> 00:04:15,717 There's something I'm very worried about. Now will you please concentrate? 84 00:04:23,218 --> 00:04:26,487 In that flat, the window above the shop- 85 00:04:26,488 --> 00:04:29,923 Patricia, that is a private dwelling. We have no right- 86 00:04:29,924 --> 00:04:33,860 I know, but look. The figure in the skirt and the man- 87 00:04:33,861 --> 00:04:36,263 He's raising his hand above his head, look! 88 00:04:36,264 --> 00:04:38,432 He's hitting her with some kind of weapon. 89 00:04:38,433 --> 00:04:41,301 Great trumpeting trousers, so he is! 90 00:04:41,302 --> 00:04:45,139 The unutterable swine, the cowardly, custardy cad! 91 00:04:45,140 --> 00:04:47,141 That man must be brought to book. 92 00:04:47,142 --> 00:04:49,143 But we only know about the woman's problems 93 00:04:49,144 --> 00:04:51,378 Through intrusive electronic surveillance. 94 00:04:51,379 --> 00:04:54,348 - We're in a very difficult position. - Yes, that's true. 95 00:04:54,349 --> 00:04:57,418 Ooh, you've put me on the horns of a dilemma. 96 00:04:57,419 --> 00:05:00,020 One horn is personal inclination, 97 00:05:00,021 --> 00:05:02,289 The other horn is stern duty. 98 00:05:02,290 --> 00:05:04,124 Well I'm quite pleased, really. 99 00:05:04,125 --> 00:05:07,961 It's a long time since I put you on any sort of horn at all. 100 00:05:07,962 --> 00:05:10,397 Don't be so saucy, Patricia. 101 00:05:10,398 --> 00:05:13,233 Besides which, it's just not true. 102 00:05:13,234 --> 00:05:16,103 I find you enormously exciting. 103 00:05:16,104 --> 00:05:19,406 But then I find bread and butter pudding exciting. 104 00:05:19,407 --> 00:05:22,642 And I wouldn't want a portion every night, would I? 105 00:06:15,180 --> 00:06:18,749 Constable Boyle- 106 00:06:18,750 --> 00:06:21,485 Would you mind if I held your hand for a while? 107 00:06:23,554 --> 00:06:26,656 - Eh? - Give me your hand, I want to hold it. 108 00:06:26,657 --> 00:06:29,226 And tease it with me forefinger. 109 00:06:29,227 --> 00:06:31,095 Steady, sir. 110 00:06:31,096 --> 00:06:33,931 It's the secret handshake I'm practicing. 111 00:06:33,932 --> 00:06:37,034 Oh, I see, you're joining the masons? 112 00:06:37,035 --> 00:06:40,637 No, they knocked me back last year. 113 00:06:40,638 --> 00:06:43,673 Said me knees were too knobbly. 114 00:06:43,674 --> 00:06:48,612 Bloody masons- look after their own, promote their own, 115 00:06:48,613 --> 00:06:50,647 Cover up for their own... 116 00:06:50,648 --> 00:06:52,682 Well, you can see why I wanted to join. 117 00:06:52,683 --> 00:06:56,387 Anyway, stuff the masons, I'm going one better. 118 00:06:56,388 --> 00:06:58,755 I'm joining the todgers. 119 00:07:00,358 --> 00:07:03,227 The secret, most noble, medieval order 120 00:07:03,228 --> 00:07:05,229 Of the masonic lodge todgers. 121 00:07:05,230 --> 00:07:09,866 - Better costumes, better ceremonies- - better nepotism. 122 00:07:09,867 --> 00:07:14,138 Exactly. I'm not gonna fanny about in Gasforth forever. 123 00:07:14,139 --> 00:07:18,208 And if putting on a dress once a week 124 00:07:18,209 --> 00:07:22,679 And occasionally kissing a dead turkey's bottom 125 00:07:22,680 --> 00:07:25,916 Is the price I have to pay, then so be it. 126 00:07:25,917 --> 00:07:28,419 Well you make sure it's properly plucked, sir. 127 00:07:30,155 --> 00:07:33,490 In my experience turkey bristle can be very coarse. 128 00:07:38,496 --> 00:07:40,697 Your ex-girlfriend's here. 129 00:07:45,698 --> 00:07:49,134 For the final time, Patricia, the mayoress was never my girlfriend. 130 00:07:49,135 --> 00:07:51,203 We just went to the same grammar school. 131 00:07:56,204 --> 00:07:58,405 I can tell when you fancy someone, your nose twitches. 132 00:07:58,406 --> 00:08:01,808 Can't wait around all day, Raymond, I've got a town to run. 133 00:08:01,809 --> 00:08:04,445 Yes, of course, dame Chrissy. 134 00:08:04,446 --> 00:08:06,613 Please, take a seat. 135 00:08:06,614 --> 00:08:09,583 I do apologize for my sergeant's tardiness. 136 00:08:11,052 --> 00:08:13,253 Was there something, sergeant? 137 00:08:13,254 --> 00:08:16,156 Tea, sergeant, close the door behind you. 138 00:08:36,935 --> 00:08:40,505 I'll come straight to the point, Raymond- serious situation. 139 00:08:40,506 --> 00:08:43,173 My cute little derrière is in your hands. 140 00:08:45,511 --> 00:08:49,413 Gasforth is harboring an illegal asylum seeker. 141 00:08:49,414 --> 00:08:51,415 His time runs out at the end of the week 142 00:08:51,416 --> 00:08:54,018 And you'll be required to arrest him for deportation. 143 00:09:02,019 --> 00:09:04,721 The problem is that there is an observer 144 00:09:04,722 --> 00:09:07,456 From the European parliament in town as well. 145 00:09:07,457 --> 00:09:10,159 Well that's no concern of mine. I serve her majesty, 146 00:09:10,160 --> 00:09:12,228 Not some soggy Brussels sprout. 147 01:09:12,229 --> 01:09:15,798 The point is that there have been so many reports recently 148 01:09:15,799 --> 01:09:18,501 About thuggery and racism in the police, 149 01:09:18,502 --> 01:09:20,703 That P.R.-Wise, we're vulnerable. 150 01:09:20,704 --> 01:09:23,305 You have to work on your image. 151 01:09:23,306 --> 01:09:25,307 When you nick this sniveling alien, 152 01:09:25,308 --> 01:09:28,444 I want to be able to show that greasy euro-bastard 153 01:09:28,445 --> 01:09:32,015 Just how tolerant and balanced we are. 154 01:09:32,016 --> 01:09:35,451 Fowler; so- racism, sexism, 155 00:10:48,452 --> 00:10:51,921 Homoeroticaphobia... 156 00:10:51,922 --> 00:10:55,558 ...Ism, and the police. 157 00:10:55,559 --> 00:10:58,094 - Who would like to start the discussion? - I would, sir. 158 00:10:58,095 --> 00:11:00,362 You astonish me, constable Habib. 159 00:11:00,363 --> 00:11:04,366 I could not be more surprised if my hat had turned into a giant hedgehog. 160 00:11:04,367 --> 00:11:07,336 I'd like to talk about sir Paul Condon's report 161 00:11:07,337 --> 00:11:09,138 About policing and race, sir. 162 00:11:09,139 --> 00:11:11,107 Ah, well that sounds like a good idea. 163 00:11:11,108 --> 00:11:13,375 Which part of the report would you like to discuss? 164 00:11:03,076 --> 00:11:05,612 I'm talking about his decision to make public 165 00:11:05,613 --> 00:11:08,815 The statistic that street crime and mugging in the capital 166 00:11:08,816 --> 00:11:11,685 Are disproportionately committed by young black men. 167 00:11:11,686 --> 00:11:13,653 And you disapprove of this statement? 168 00:11:13,654 --> 00:11:15,888 Yes, I think he's being a- 169 00:11:15,889 --> 00:11:19,091 - Yes, Habib? - Well I always try to be nice, sir. 170 00:11:19,092 --> 00:11:22,061 So I'll just say, it rhymes with trucking tanker. 171 00:11:23,831 --> 00:11:26,933 Kindly restrain your poetry, Habib. 172 00:12:15,934 --> 00:12:18,402 I notice he didn't add that young black blokes 173 00:12:18,403 --> 00:12:20,538 Find it much more difficult to get a job. 174 00:12:20,539 --> 00:12:22,606 Which came first, the chicken or the egg? 175 00:12:22,607 --> 00:12:24,942 - I know, I know. - You do, Goody? 176 00:12:24,943 --> 00:12:28,846 - So what is the answer? - Because it wanted to get to the other side. 177 00:12:28,847 --> 00:12:30,715 Be quiet, Goody! 178 00:12:30,716 --> 00:12:33,917 The chief constable can only report facts, Habib. 179 00:12:33,918 --> 00:12:37,254 It is not his duty to enter into socio-political analysis 180 00:12:37,255 --> 00:12:39,189 As to why those facts have come about. 181 00:12:39,190 --> 00:12:43,327 - Give a dog a bad name... - We gave our dog a bad name- 182 00:12:44,796 --> 00:12:46,664 Colin. 183 00:12:46,665 --> 00:12:48,466 Terrible name. 184 00:12:48,467 --> 00:12:52,503 You have no idea how many people are called Colin. 185 00:12:52,504 --> 00:12:55,239 We'd go to the park, I'd shout, "come here, Colin," 186 00:12:55,240 --> 00:12:57,975 And 15 people would turn round. 187 00:12:58,977 --> 00:13:01,479 And big people too, sir. 188 00:13:01,480 --> 00:13:04,648 I mean, for some reason, it's the big lads that get called Colin. 189 00:13:04,649 --> 00:13:08,285 I mean, I'd shout, "Colin, you're a bad boy. 190 00:13:08,286 --> 00:13:11,221 I just saw you do a kaka 191 00:13:11,222 --> 00:13:14,859 And now I'm going to rub your nose in it." 192 00:13:14,860 --> 00:13:18,161 The next thing I knew, I'd wake up in an ambulance. 193 00:13:18,162 --> 00:13:20,464 Yes, yes, yes, yes, excuse me, sir, 194 00:13:20,465 --> 00:13:22,533 But aren't we wandering from the point? 195 00:13:22,534 --> 00:13:24,368 Yes indeed we are. Well done, Goody. 196 00:13:24,369 --> 00:13:28,171 Yes, because we were talking about chickens, not dogs. 197 00:13:28,172 --> 00:13:30,541 No the point is- oh- ah... 198 00:13:30,542 --> 00:13:34,211 - What was the point? - Paul Condon demonizing the children of immigrants. 199 00:13:34,212 --> 00:13:36,280 Exactly- no, no it is not. 200 00:13:36,281 --> 00:13:39,683 Sir Paul Condon was in possession of certain facts. 201 00:13:39,684 --> 00:13:42,586 Is he to withhold those facts because he doesn't like them? 202 00:13:42,587 --> 00:13:44,755 He withholds plenty, sir. 203 00:13:44,756 --> 00:13:47,925 I expect he's got an idea how many bent coppers there are in the met, 204 00:13:47,926 --> 00:13:51,395 How many freemasons, but he doesn't think the public need to know about that. 205 00:13:51,396 --> 00:13:53,831 We are discussing the problems of race, Habib. 206 00:13:53,832 --> 00:13:56,166 Sir Paul Condon can not- 207 00:13:59,571 --> 00:14:01,572 Why are you sniggering, boy? 208 00:14:01,573 --> 00:14:03,774 - I'm not sniggering, sir. - You are sniggering. 209 00:14:03,775 --> 00:14:07,478 Well, I mean come on, sir. The bloke's name is Condon. 210 00:14:10,348 --> 00:14:13,383 I don't see anything remotely amusing about that, Goody. 211 00:14:13,384 --> 00:14:17,354 Oh come now, sir, I think you do. 212 00:14:17,355 --> 00:14:19,356 No I don't, Goody. 213 00:14:19,357 --> 00:14:22,760 But sir, it sounds exactly like "condom." 214 00:14:24,496 --> 00:14:27,130 You can see them on the news, sir- 215 00:14:27,131 --> 00:14:29,800 "the metropolitan police chief, sir Paul Condon..." 216 00:14:29,801 --> 00:14:32,035 And you know that newsreader's thinking, 217 00:14:32,036 --> 00:14:35,673 "I hope I don't say 'condom' I hope I don't say 'condom'..." 218 00:14:36,775 --> 00:14:38,509 Be quiet, you imbecile. 219 00:14:38,510 --> 00:14:42,746 - We are discussing racism. - Ooh, I know all about racism, sir. 220 00:14:42,747 --> 00:14:45,015 My mother prepared me for it. 221 00:14:45,016 --> 00:14:48,452 Ah, she explained to you the sad truth of irrational hatred. 222 00:14:48,453 --> 00:14:52,322 No, she beat me and called me names. 223 00:14:52,323 --> 00:14:54,825 Yes, thank you for sharing that with us, Gladstone. 224 00:14:54,826 --> 00:14:56,560 Grim: Listen to 'em. 225 00:14:56,561 --> 00:15:00,931 It gets right on my raving titties. 226 00:15:00,932 --> 00:15:04,768 I mean I'm no racist, I don't mind people coming over here, 227 00:15:04,769 --> 00:15:07,638 But when they do, they should be like us. 228 00:15:07,639 --> 00:15:12,576 People don't want a load of weird customs and funny clothes. 229 00:15:13,879 --> 00:15:16,013 Right, I put the hood on, see. 230 00:15:16,014 --> 00:15:19,984 And I kiss the turkey with my head between my legs. 231 00:15:19,985 --> 00:15:23,888 I'll show you, I'll squat on the desk to make it easier. 232 00:15:23,889 --> 00:15:27,290 Now, I need a hood. I'll use the bag I brought the bird in. 233 00:15:27,291 --> 00:15:30,828 It's a frozen one from tina's freezer. 234 00:15:30,829 --> 00:15:32,863 Okay... 235 00:15:34,799 --> 00:15:37,034 You line up the fowl... 236 00:15:37,035 --> 00:15:40,203 Well, I wouldn't kiss it if I were you, sir. 237 00:15:40,204 --> 00:15:43,206 It's still a bit chilly, your lips might stick to its bum. 238 00:15:43,207 --> 00:15:46,744 Well, breathe on it first. 239 00:15:48,312 --> 00:15:51,782 What are you lot staring at? 240 00:15:51,783 --> 00:15:53,884 We were just celebrating the rich diversity 241 00:15:53,885 --> 00:15:55,786 Of culture in our station. 242 00:15:55,787 --> 00:15:57,588 I confess I had not expected to see it 243 00:15:57,589 --> 00:15:59,557 Quite so graphically illustrated. 244 00:15:59,558 --> 00:16:02,826 Oh yeah, well I don't like culture. 245 00:16:02,827 --> 00:16:07,397 - I beg your pardon? - Bleedin' ballet and opera, 246 00:16:07,398 --> 00:16:10,901 Especially when they spend lottery money on it. 247 00:16:10,902 --> 00:16:13,470 Wasting the working man's bet 248 00:16:13,471 --> 00:16:16,574 On fat screeching old bags from Italy 249 00:16:16,575 --> 00:16:19,509 Singing like they got piles, 250 00:16:19,510 --> 00:16:23,013 Or some bunch of scrawny bints in tutus 251 00:16:23,014 --> 00:16:25,515 Called Darcy and Tilda, 252 00:16:25,516 --> 00:16:28,552 Flashing their gussets at a lot of horny perverts. 253 00:16:30,121 --> 00:16:34,224 Art? Culture? Staring at posh birds' knickers, 254 00:16:34,225 --> 00:16:36,560 That's all "swan bleeding lake" boils down to. 255 00:16:37,829 --> 00:16:39,930 They should use all the money 256 00:16:39,931 --> 00:16:43,100 For kiddies with incurable diseases. 257 00:16:43,101 --> 00:16:46,036 When me and my Tina buy our lottery ticket 258 00:16:46,037 --> 00:16:48,205 Out of the goodness of our heart- 259 00:16:48,206 --> 00:16:50,741 And in the hope of winning £20 million. 260 00:16:50,742 --> 00:16:54,277 -Yes, and we want to know that by winning £20 million 261 00:16:54,278 --> 00:16:56,914 We will be helping little kiddies. 262 00:16:56,915 --> 00:17:02,019 Not haughty, hoity- stick-it-up-your-toity, 263 00:17:02,020 --> 00:17:04,054 High-and-mighty, tight-nosed, 264 00:17:04,055 --> 00:17:07,324 Toffee-arsed, sun-dried-tomato-eating, 265 00:17:07,325 --> 00:17:10,260 La-di-da-di la-di-dahs. 266 00:17:13,197 --> 00:17:16,399 Yes, well let us hope that some of the lottery money 267 00:17:16,400 --> 00:17:18,401 Goes to aiding the incurably insane. 268 00:17:19,838 --> 00:17:22,806 In which case you'll get your money back. 269 00:17:22,807 --> 00:17:25,375 Habib is right about one thing- 270 00:17:25,376 --> 00:17:29,212 The police cannot fight racism if we are racist ourselves. 271 00:17:29,213 --> 00:17:32,382 It would be very much a matter of the pot calling the kettle... 272 00:17:32,383 --> 00:17:34,151 Um... 273 00:17:34,152 --> 00:17:35,986 Uh... 274 00:17:35,987 --> 00:17:38,022 African-american. 275 00:17:39,891 --> 00:17:41,792 So- how racist are we? 276 00:17:41,793 --> 00:17:46,563 Well, in order to find out, I propose to be a Martian. 277 00:17:46,564 --> 00:17:50,400 Imagine that I've just beamed down in my space podule and joined the police. 278 00:17:50,401 --> 00:17:53,671 Excuse me, sir... If you just beamed down in your podule, 279 00:17:53,672 --> 00:17:55,539 You wouldn't be joining anything 280 00:17:55,540 --> 00:17:58,742 You'd be detained under the immigration act, and stuck in a transit camp. 281 00:17:58,743 --> 00:18:02,245 - I have applied for asylum. - What are your grounds? 282 00:18:02,246 --> 00:18:04,948 I am a martian dissident, Habib, 283 00:18:04,949 --> 00:18:08,185 Who has incurred the displeasure of the martian authorities, 284 00:18:08,186 --> 00:18:10,187 By protesting against the americans 285 00:18:10,188 --> 00:18:13,557 Taking any more fuzzy photographs of our gaseous emissions. 286 00:18:14,826 --> 00:18:17,494 If I return to Mars I will be murdered. 287 00:18:17,495 --> 00:18:20,731 The home office will expect you to prove you'll be murdered, sir. 288 00:18:20,732 --> 00:18:22,866 The normal method is to send you back 289 00:18:22,867 --> 00:18:26,170 And if you get murdered, they'll admit you were telling the truth. 290 00:18:26,171 --> 00:18:29,472 All right, I have beamed down in my podule, 291 00:18:29,473 --> 00:18:31,341 Applied for asylum, 292 00:18:31,342 --> 00:18:34,277 Been refused, taken refuge in a church, 293 00:18:34,278 --> 00:18:37,247 And become the focus of a major protest campaign 294 00:18:37,248 --> 00:18:40,951 Funded by a charity concert performed by unpleasant comedians 295 00:18:40,952 --> 00:18:43,787 Who think it's clever to swear. 296 00:18:43,788 --> 00:18:46,423 I have appealed against deportation and lost, 297 00:18:46,424 --> 00:18:48,926 Both in the high court and in the house of lords, 298 00:18:48,927 --> 00:18:51,895 But won at the court of justice in the Hague. 299 00:18:51,896 --> 00:18:54,231 I have married a sweet girl from Solihull 300 00:18:54,232 --> 00:18:57,835 Who did not object to my three enormous pulsating heads 301 00:18:57,836 --> 00:19:00,137 With sticky out veins all over them, 302 00:19:00,138 --> 00:19:03,306 I have settled in Gasforth, done my A-levels at night school, 303 00:19:03,307 --> 00:19:06,443 Bought a secondhand Datsun cherry and joined the police force. 304 00:19:06,444 --> 00:19:08,578 Satisfied? 305 00:19:08,579 --> 00:19:11,882 Well, it's not up to me, sir. It's up to the home office. 306 00:19:11,883 --> 00:19:13,817 Well they are delighted. 307 00:19:14,853 --> 00:19:17,354 Now, perhaps we can move on. 308 00:19:17,355 --> 00:19:20,357 Try if you would, to picture your new colleague. 309 00:19:20,358 --> 00:19:22,492 Martians, as we all know, 310 00:19:22,493 --> 00:19:25,395 Are green and called Zog. 311 00:19:25,396 --> 00:19:27,664 I've already mentioned the three enormous heads, 312 00:19:27,665 --> 00:19:30,267 Add to this 15-inch long pulsating fingers, 313 00:19:30,268 --> 00:19:33,137 Multiple legs and a flashing belly button. 314 00:19:35,339 --> 00:19:37,374 It's my first day in the service 315 00:19:37,375 --> 00:19:39,442 And I'm about to enter the briefing room. 316 00:19:39,443 --> 00:19:41,812 You'll have to imagine the multiple heads and the legs 317 00:19:41,813 --> 00:19:44,447 And the flashing belly button. 318 00:19:44,448 --> 00:19:46,717 ( making alien sounds ) 319 00:20:02,700 --> 00:20:04,701 Hello. 320 00:20:05,770 --> 00:20:08,204 My name is constable Zog. 321 00:20:10,008 --> 00:20:12,809 I'm patrolling the beat with you today. 322 00:20:14,378 --> 00:20:16,379 I hope we shall be friends. 323 00:20:20,418 --> 00:20:23,486 All right, Goody, what would be your reaction? 324 00:20:27,892 --> 00:20:30,794 - I'm just trying to imagine it now. - Good, good. 325 00:20:30,795 --> 00:20:33,196 These three heads- 326 00:20:33,197 --> 00:20:35,699 Do you have a helmet on each one? 327 00:20:35,700 --> 00:20:39,335 Yes, yes, if you like. Just greet me, boy, greet me. 328 00:20:39,336 --> 00:20:41,905 Hello, hello, hello. 329 00:20:47,779 --> 00:20:50,047 And so my point is illustrated. 330 00:20:50,048 --> 00:20:52,049 Goody can only consider my shape. 331 00:20:52,050 --> 00:20:53,951 Ah- not so, sir. 332 00:20:53,952 --> 00:20:57,520 I'm also thinking about how green you are. 333 00:20:57,521 --> 00:21:01,157 And that is not acceptable either. You must be color-blind. 334 00:21:32,858 --> 00:21:35,494 I think you should be celebrating your greenness, 335 00:21:35,495 --> 00:21:38,797 - Not hoping that we'll ignore it. - Yes, you're right, Habib. 336 00:21:38,798 --> 00:21:41,533 I must be more assertive. Right, here we go. 337 00:21:41,534 --> 00:21:43,935 Hello, I'm Zog, I'm from Mars. 338 00:21:43,936 --> 00:21:45,804 Get used to it. 339 00:21:45,805 --> 00:21:48,973 Hello, hello, I'm Kevin from just outside Basingstoke, 340 00:21:48,974 --> 00:21:52,611 And give me five, no give me 10, no 15, 20- 341 00:21:52,612 --> 00:21:55,079 Yes all right, just sit down, Goody. 342 00:21:55,080 --> 00:21:56,848 Sit down. 343 00:21:56,849 --> 00:21:58,784 Now Goody... 344 00:21:58,785 --> 00:22:01,620 Now Goody, this is my first day at work. 345 00:22:01,621 --> 00:22:04,389 - I'm your new colleague- - welcome, welcome, welcome. 346 00:22:04,390 --> 00:22:06,958 Thank you. You've got a cup of tea... 347 00:22:06,959 --> 00:22:09,394 - Yes. - ...I've got three cups of cocoa. 348 00:22:09,395 --> 00:22:12,297 Now, what friendly tips could you pass on to me? 349 00:22:12,298 --> 00:22:14,633 - Absolutely honestly? - Yes. 350 00:22:14,634 --> 00:22:16,702 Right, I'd say this- 351 00:22:16,703 --> 00:22:19,571 Watch out for inspector Fowler, he's a grumpy old git 352 00:22:19,572 --> 00:22:22,240 And given half a chance he'll whip your Curly Wurly. 353 00:22:23,543 --> 00:22:25,811 Look, we are deviating from the point. 354 00:22:25,812 --> 00:22:28,613 I'm simply trying to establish that all men, 355 00:22:28,614 --> 00:22:31,416 Be they Martian, Mauritian, or Mancunian, 356 00:22:31,417 --> 00:22:33,819 - Are born equal. - All men? 357 00:22:33,820 --> 00:22:36,221 Huh! So this Martian is a sexist, is he? 358 00:22:36,222 --> 00:22:39,891 - Surprise, surprise. - Look, we are not talking about anybody's sex, Habib. 359 00:22:39,892 --> 00:22:43,061 Sex with a Martian, sounds great to me. 360 00:22:43,062 --> 00:22:45,364 Not to me. Three head saying, 361 00:22:45,365 --> 00:22:47,966 "I've got a headache, I've got a headache, I've got a headache." 362 00:22:47,967 --> 00:22:51,336 Mind you, those pulsating fingers sound all right. 363 00:22:51,337 --> 00:22:54,105 This Martian is asexual, Habib. 364 00:22:54,106 --> 00:22:57,008 A sexual machine if you ask me. 365 00:22:57,009 --> 00:23:00,945 You said so yourself, sir, you've got veins popping out all over your head. 366 00:23:00,946 --> 00:23:03,582 What have you got lurking between those multiple legs, sir? 367 00:23:03,583 --> 00:23:06,485 Look, look, we are not discussing sex or sexism. 368 00:23:06,486 --> 00:23:09,187 I merely stated that all men are created equal, 369 00:23:09,188 --> 00:23:11,390 And by men, Habib, I mean of course, 370 00:23:11,391 --> 00:23:13,825 Men and persons of the opposite sex. 371 00:23:13,826 --> 00:23:16,127 Opposite sex? I'm sorry, sir, 372 00:23:16,128 --> 00:23:18,864 But defining one sex in terms of its position to the other 373 00:23:18,865 --> 00:23:23,167 Is sexism, on Earth, Mars, Saturn, or any other planet. 374 00:23:23,168 --> 00:23:26,037 I've got a hilarious joke about Uranus. 375 00:23:28,173 --> 00:23:32,411 No you don't, Goody. You know a pathetic pun about my anus. 376 00:23:32,412 --> 00:23:34,312 I mean your anus. 377 00:23:34,313 --> 00:23:38,016 I mean the planet with the rude name. Oh really, Habib, 378 00:23:38,017 --> 00:23:40,552 Look how you've confused the boy. 379 00:23:40,553 --> 00:23:42,854 Sexism is sexism, sir. 380 00:23:42,855 --> 00:23:44,723 Right. 381 00:23:45,191 --> 00:23:48,227 Patricia, I require your support. 382 00:23:48,228 --> 00:23:51,664 Constable Habib and I are discussing sexual positions. 383 00:23:51,665 --> 00:23:55,000 And I want you to assure her that I know only one. 384 00:24:06,771 --> 00:24:09,039 Raymond, what are you talking about? 385 00:24:09,040 --> 00:24:11,742 Sexual discrimination, which is a scourge. 386 00:24:11,743 --> 00:24:14,878 And I hope sergeant, that having lived with me for 11 years, 387 00:24:14,879 --> 00:24:17,448 You can vouch for the fact that when it comes to women, 388 00:24:17,449 --> 00:24:19,750 I'm not remotely discriminating. 389 00:24:19,751 --> 00:24:24,855 Fowler, can you keep your fannying about down? 390 00:24:24,856 --> 00:24:28,659 Police work is about villains, not isms. 391 00:24:28,660 --> 00:24:32,395 And what ism ever mugged an old lady? 392 00:24:32,396 --> 00:24:35,031 What ism ever robbed a bank? 393 00:24:35,032 --> 00:24:37,868 What ism ever held a gun to someone's head? 394 00:24:37,869 --> 00:24:40,537 Terrorism. 395 00:24:41,639 --> 00:24:43,974 Yeah, all right. 396 00:24:43,975 --> 00:24:47,578 And what ism ever threatened the security of the state? 397 00:24:47,579 --> 00:24:50,347 Marxism. 398 00:24:50,348 --> 00:24:52,516 What ism ever hurt anybody? 399 00:24:52,517 --> 00:24:55,686 - Sadism. - Boyle! 400 00:24:55,687 --> 00:24:59,022 Isms are a very important part of police work, inspector Grim. 401 00:24:59,023 --> 00:25:02,392 People of all races and sexual orientations 402 00:25:02,393 --> 00:25:04,795 Must feel at home at Gasforth police station. 403 00:25:04,796 --> 00:25:06,897 White people, black people, 404 00:25:06,898 --> 00:25:09,633 - Heterosexuals... - Well of course, we're not bigots. 405 00:25:09,634 --> 00:25:11,802 - ...Homosexualists- - steady on. 406 00:25:11,803 --> 00:25:15,472 Yes. Gay sexuals should be able to serve her majesty 407 00:25:15,473 --> 00:25:17,207 Without fear of harassment. 408 00:25:48,408 --> 00:25:53,278 It's all part of this creeping, crawling, 409 00:25:53,279 --> 00:25:56,916 Poncey, namby, stick-it-up-your-pansy... 410 00:25:56,917 --> 00:25:59,118 Pardon me for being a fascist, 411 00:25:59,119 --> 00:26:01,087 But I don't happen to have time to discuss 412 00:26:01,088 --> 00:26:03,889 Interior design, quiche recipes 413 00:26:03,890 --> 00:26:07,693 And Kylie Minogue hits with constable Whoopsie. 414 00:26:08,729 --> 00:26:11,430 I have important police work. 415 00:26:11,431 --> 00:26:16,235 The lodge master of my todgers is coming to check me out 416 00:26:16,236 --> 00:26:18,670 Before my initiation test. 417 00:26:18,671 --> 00:26:23,876 Yes, well I strongly disapprove of secret societies, Grim. 418 00:26:23,877 --> 00:26:26,645 If a man cannot be proud of his allegiances, 419 00:26:26,646 --> 00:26:30,449 And state them openly, then I fear they must be of questionable value. 420 00:26:30,450 --> 00:26:32,718 You do not find me concealing my membership 421 00:26:32,719 --> 00:26:34,920 Of Gasforth amateur dramatic society 422 00:26:34,921 --> 00:26:38,690 Behind silly movements and trousers at half-mast. 423 00:26:38,691 --> 00:26:41,961 Except of course, when we do "brigadoon." 424 00:26:43,630 --> 00:26:46,698 Yeah, well when I'm a chief superintendent 425 00:26:46,699 --> 00:26:49,334 At Scotland Yard, you'll be sorry. 426 00:26:49,335 --> 00:26:51,670 If that day should ever dawn, inspector Grim, 427 00:26:51,671 --> 00:26:54,273 We'll all be sorry. 428 00:28:14,274 --> 00:28:17,643 I'm not looking forward to nicking this illegal alien today. 429 00:28:17,644 --> 00:28:19,778 I mean my parents are immigrants. 430 00:28:19,779 --> 00:28:21,848 I understand your feelings, constable, 431 00:28:21,849 --> 00:28:23,950 But your parents were legal, that's the point. 432 00:28:23,951 --> 00:28:27,019 - And they are now British. - I'm British, sir. 433 00:28:27,020 --> 00:28:29,155 But I've been told to go home many times. 434 00:28:29,156 --> 00:28:31,790 "Britain for the British," people have said. 435 00:28:31,791 --> 00:28:33,893 But I mean what is British? 436 00:28:33,894 --> 00:28:36,729 Everyone's the child of an immigrant at some point... 437 00:28:36,730 --> 00:28:39,866 - And most of them illegal. - Are they? 438 00:28:39,867 --> 00:28:43,202 Well, yes, I mean if you go back far enough. 439 00:28:43,203 --> 00:28:45,671 The Normans were illegal immigrants, weren't they? 440 00:28:45,672 --> 00:28:47,173 Yes I suppose they were. 441 00:28:47,174 --> 00:28:50,977 Do think they kept their wedding tackle inside their chain-mail? 442 00:28:50,978 --> 00:28:53,579 No chance. William the conqueror? 443 00:28:53,580 --> 00:28:55,948 More like William the bunkerer. 444 00:28:55,949 --> 00:28:57,850 Yes, yes. 445 00:28:57,851 --> 00:29:00,086 Do you know I've often wondered why 446 00:29:00,087 --> 00:29:02,388 King William was called William. 447 00:29:02,389 --> 00:29:04,190 What? 448 00:29:04,191 --> 00:29:07,026 Well, everyone else in his army was called Norman. 449 00:29:09,129 --> 00:29:11,130 Constable Gladstone made a good point. 450 00:29:11,131 --> 00:29:14,466 The appalling truth is, I've got a bit of frenchman in me. 451 00:29:14,467 --> 00:29:17,003 Well, if we're talking about illegal immigrants, 452 00:29:17,004 --> 00:29:21,307 What about the Vikings? It wasn't just their helmets that were horny. 453 00:29:21,308 --> 00:29:23,575 And before them there was the Romans. 454 00:29:23,576 --> 00:29:26,578 Those latin lovers were here for 300 years. 455 00:29:26,579 --> 00:29:28,714 How do you think they passed the time? 456 00:29:28,715 --> 00:29:30,383 Latin declension? 457 00:29:30,384 --> 00:29:32,851 Have it off, have it up, have it often. 458 00:29:32,852 --> 00:29:34,553 Be quiet, Habib. 459 00:29:34,554 --> 00:29:38,857 Really, you girls today, you're worse than the lads. 460 00:29:38,858 --> 00:29:42,228 This country's always been absorbing different cultures, different tribes. 461 00:29:43,429 --> 00:29:47,031 Although invaders have tended to steer clear of the Scots. 462 00:29:47,032 --> 00:29:49,767 Nobody wanted to go there, I suppose. 463 00:29:49,768 --> 00:29:52,403 Boiled oats and sheep stomach 464 00:29:52,404 --> 00:29:55,873 Are scarcely likely to appeal to the French or Italians, are they? 465 00:29:55,874 --> 00:29:58,042 And they're certainly hard fighters. 466 00:29:58,043 --> 00:30:00,978 If you live in a country where the thistles are waist-high 467 00:30:00,979 --> 00:30:04,782 An nobody's invented trousers, you're going to toughen up a bit, aren't you? 468 00:30:04,783 --> 00:30:07,418 Oh well, like it or not, sir, 469 00:30:07,419 --> 00:30:09,820 Britain is a melting pot. 470 00:30:24,321 --> 00:30:26,757 Yes, well none of this relieves us 471 00:30:26,758 --> 00:30:29,325 Of a very difficult duty. Come on, everybody. 472 00:30:35,999 --> 00:30:39,134 Ha, the police. So, you have come. 473 00:30:39,135 --> 00:30:41,269 I'm sorry, sir, you'll have to come with us. 474 00:30:41,270 --> 00:30:44,006 What are you doing? You can't do this. 475 00:30:44,007 --> 00:30:47,076 - Hey- - stay where you are, sir. I'm sorry, I have my duty. 476 00:30:47,077 --> 00:30:49,644 - Habib and Goody, put him in the van. - Yes, sir. 477 00:30:49,645 --> 00:30:51,847 - But this is an outrage! - Come along, sir. 478 00:30:51,848 --> 00:30:53,949 Uh, the arrest was carried out swiftly 479 00:30:53,950 --> 00:30:56,284 And without resort to force. 480 00:30:56,285 --> 00:30:58,553 The most demanding of civil libertarians 481 00:30:58,554 --> 00:31:01,289 Could not have failed to be satisfied. 482 00:31:01,290 --> 00:31:04,193 Well done, Raymond, an excellent piece of work. 483 00:31:04,194 --> 00:31:06,128 You know, I think we need to schedule 484 00:31:06,129 --> 00:31:08,230 Some private meetings to discuss your future. 485 00:31:08,231 --> 00:31:09,965 After all, 486 00:31:09,966 --> 00:31:12,935 We haven't had a private meeting since school. 487 00:31:12,936 --> 00:31:15,704 Do you think your hands will have warmed up by now... 488 00:31:15,705 --> 00:31:19,274 - Feely? - ( giggles ) 489 00:31:19,275 --> 00:31:22,244 Sir, I'm afraid this gentlemen wants to have a word. 490 00:31:22,245 --> 00:31:24,246 Ah, here he is. 491 00:31:24,247 --> 00:31:26,915 This is our illegal asylum seeker. 492 00:31:27,951 --> 00:31:30,485 I don't think so, inspector. 493 00:31:30,486 --> 00:31:32,755 Our man's white, he's from Chechnya. 494 00:31:34,590 --> 00:31:36,591 Who's this? 495 00:31:36,592 --> 00:31:39,628 My name is Mustafa Dalcroix, 496 00:31:39,629 --> 00:31:41,997 European commissioner for human rights 497 00:31:41,998 --> 00:31:44,432 And a French national. 498 00:31:44,433 --> 00:31:46,668 A Frenchman? 499 00:31:46,669 --> 00:31:49,171 In my station? 500 00:31:50,539 --> 00:31:52,975 You - you British, uh? 501 00:31:52,976 --> 00:31:55,077 No wonder we all hate you. 502 00:31:55,078 --> 00:31:57,679 Your chocolate isn't chocolatey enough, 503 00:31:57,680 --> 00:32:00,816 Your bananas are too long and bendy, 504 00:32:00,817 --> 00:32:04,286 You insist on eating prawn cocktail crisps 505 00:32:04,287 --> 00:32:07,189 Despite the fact that we have told you not to. 506 00:32:08,391 --> 00:32:11,126 And now it turns out that your policemen 507 00:32:11,127 --> 00:32:15,798 Think all black people are illegal immigrants. 508 00:32:15,799 --> 00:32:17,866 Whoops. 509 00:32:19,002 --> 00:32:22,037 I intend to lodge a full report 510 00:32:22,038 --> 00:32:27,309 On this appalling display of bigotry and ignorance. 511 00:32:27,310 --> 00:32:30,445 - Au revoir. - Monsieur Dalcroix- 512 00:32:30,446 --> 00:32:33,048 We have a grant application. 513 00:32:33,049 --> 00:32:35,784 This appalling racist will be fully disciplined. 514 00:32:38,521 --> 00:32:41,023 Oh, what a dreadful error. 515 00:32:41,024 --> 00:32:43,658 We all make mistakes, sir. 516 00:32:43,659 --> 00:32:46,428 Nothing I could do could make amends for a day like this. 517 00:32:46,429 --> 00:32:49,397 ( sighs ) There's always my horny dilemma. 518 00:32:49,398 --> 00:32:52,600 You could have a stab at that. 519 00:33:00,009 --> 00:33:02,577 Yes, you're right, Patricia. 520 00:33:02,578 --> 00:33:06,148 I don't care how we came by this information, 521 00:33:06,149 --> 00:33:08,917 Our duty is to protect the public, 522 00:33:08,918 --> 00:33:12,554 And great thundering thyroids, that's what we're going to do. 523 00:33:13,990 --> 00:33:16,225 Let's get the swine. 524 00:33:18,527 --> 00:33:20,929 ( man mimicking turkey ) 525 00:33:27,070 --> 00:33:29,337 Fly, turkey, fly! 526 00:33:32,275 --> 00:33:35,477 Approach the fowl. 527 00:33:37,480 --> 00:33:39,648 - Raymond! - Inspector Grim, 528 00:33:39,649 --> 00:33:41,817 This is supposed to be a secret initiation, 529 00:33:41,818 --> 00:33:44,319 You can't invite your friends. 530 00:33:45,655 --> 00:33:48,223 Close the turkey's legs, 531 00:33:48,224 --> 00:33:52,394 It's bottom shall not be kissed tonight. 532 00:33:55,165 --> 00:33:59,134 Oh, what a strange and dispiriting day. 533 00:33:59,135 --> 00:34:01,703 I got everything wrong. 534 00:34:21,704 --> 00:34:24,273 You did you best, Raymond, that's all you can do. 535 00:34:24,274 --> 00:34:26,675 I can't seem to get anything right. 536 00:34:26,676 --> 00:34:28,743 Well see how you go with this one- 537 00:34:28,744 --> 00:34:31,346 Between me and the mayoress, 538 00:34:31,347 --> 00:34:33,515 Who do you find most exciting? 539 00:34:33,516 --> 00:34:36,451 Why Patricia, what an absurd question. 540 00:34:36,452 --> 00:34:39,154 You of course. How could it be otherwise? 541 00:34:39,155 --> 00:34:42,090 What about between me and a plate of bread and butter pudding? 542 00:34:43,326 --> 00:34:45,360 Hmmm. 543 00:34:46,729 --> 00:34:50,765 Would that be with custard, or without custard? 544 00:34:50,766 --> 00:34:52,801 Well I'll cover myself in custard if you like, 545 00:34:52,802 --> 00:34:55,204 But you've got to promise to take your bed socks off.