Hmm.
Good evening, everybody.
Sometimes one does despair of today's youth.
To them concepts such as honor,
Duty and self-restraint
Are as foreign as a frenchman
And no more acceptable.
On the other hand, of course, it is important
Not to judge people too harshly.
We were all young once,
And although we may not have attended raves,
I seem to remember that Saturday morning at the pictures
Could get pretty wild.
Let he who has never chucked a gobstopper
At John Wayne during the kissy bit
Cast the first stone.
For young people, as we shall see,
Are like the last banana in the fruit bowl-
Not all bad.
I tell you what, I'll be glad when they've fixed our showers and toilet.
I hate sharing the blokes'.
There's a pair of jocks in that locker
That's developing its own ecosystem.
It's not what you need when you're feeling delicate.
Had a little drinky last night, did we?
Just a bit. My tongue's got so much fur on it,
I may need a license to keep it domestically.
Drinking like that's terribly bad for you, you know, Maggie.
Really, Pat? And there was me thinking
That having a brain like a pickled walnut
And a mouth like a rat's bum
Was a bit of a health cure.
Instead of poisoning your body,
You should be concentrating on rejuvenating
Your physical and sensual sides.
The way I feel this morning,
You couldn't rejuvenate my sensual side
If you chucked me into a bath full of chippendales
And asked me to find the soap.
Blimey!
Sharing the gents with a load of women. It's a disgrace.
The place'll stink like the perfume counter at boots.
They'll be in there
Dibby-dabby, lippy-lappy,
Powder-poofing, bonnet-boofing,
Squirty-squirty,
"only be a minute, I've just got to re-grout my crow's feet."
I get all this at home, you know.
I'm talking about alternative healing, Maggie.
I've just joined a well-woman group.
You can do rebirthing,
Reflexology, shiatsu massage.
You have to let it all out.
Please, Pat. I'm having enough trouble keeping it all down.
And if you haven't got time for shiatsu,
Just have an enema.
You can do it at home in five minutes
With an ordinary garden hose.
Tweezering and plucking,
And using my bic on her legs,
And slapping the glandular oils of some dead whale around
Like it didn't cost 15 quid a jar
Which I have to bleedin' earn.
Well, I'm off the booze now, anyway.
- My little sister's coming to stay. - Oh, that's nice.
No it's not. She's completely boring.
Goody-flippin'- two-shoes.
If she sees me with so much as a half of cidrax,
She'll tell my mom, who'll immediately ring up in floods
And read the entire Koran onto my answer phone.
Perhaps your sister would like to come along to my rebirthing group?
You recreate the moment you emerged from your mother's womb.
Oh, I'll see if I can persuade her.
Maybe she'll come out a bit more interesting second time around.
I shout, "come on, Tina!"
She says, "I'm just gonna have five minutes
On the bum wobbling machine."
Then she leaves the top off the toothpaste.
Blimey, Fowler, I thought at least at work
We could keep the birds out of the bog.
Sharing lockers is brilliant.
I cannot believe I'm actually going to be changing
In the same room as constable Habib.
But not at the same time.
True, but it's a step in the right direction, isn't it?
Right, that's it, you lot. Come on, time's up.
Get out of it!
- Good morning, inspector Grim. - Oh, it's still morning, is it?
Blimey, I thought it was later.
Evening at least, or else sometime next year.
Doesn't time fly
When you're hanging around outside the bog
Waiting for a bunch of women to stop fannying about?
You do get yourself worked up, don't you, inspector?
You really should try and diffuse your tension.
Have you thought about irrigating your colon?
Not really. I don't do a lot of gardening.
Inspector Grim,
It is 8:51 and 42 seconds.
With respect, if you consult your rota,
I think you'll find that male time begins at 8:52.
I told you, Fowler. Women, all the same-
Totally toiletarially territorial.
- Now look, Derek- - Inspector Grim,
We don't like this situation any more than you do,
- And with better reason. - What better reason?
- Lots of better reasons. - Name a better reason.
We've been properly toilet-trained for a start.
Yeah, you lot seem to think
You're supposed to stand on the bog and aim outwards.
Drips!
Women are obsessed with drips!
I say, "Tina, wear a pair of slippers."
Please, really.
Really, now. Please, please.
Now, now... Now, please.
Really.
The situation is as it is, and we must simply make the best of it.
I've scheduled a meeting with the regional auditor,
But he is notoriously tighter
Than an Italian tenor's trouser buttons,
So I hold out little hope for extra funds this financial year.
Now if you'll excuse me, I'm late for my morning movement.
Look what I've got, Frank.
Some of that new male Calvin Klein perfume.
Dead cool, dead street.
Really gets the babes horny.
You know, I reckon when constable Habib gets a whiff of this,
She'll say, "whey-hey! Climb aboard, big boy!"
And fall at my feet.
Kevin-
Kevin, it'll take more than a whiff of perfume
To make Maggie Habib fall at your feet.
Maybe you should try chloroform, eh?
It's supposed to be evocative of a man's testicles.
No, I don't mean that.
What is it that blokes have that makes them sexy?
Mmm... Sunglasses?
No, it's close to testicles, only a little bit longer.
Testosterone, Kevin. Look at it wrapped in a towel.
Give us a splash. I've got lager seeping out my pores.
In the boozer till 2:00. 16 cans of special brew
And nothing to eat but peanuts.
I could've pebbledashed the pub.
2:00?
That's way past closing time.
Closing time's for plebs, not us.
The lock-in is a traditional copper's perk.
Like sticking your siren on when you're late for dinner.
There's a big illegal late-night drink Friday.
Lots of the boys're coming out. You come out too.
Yes, I don't know about that, Gary.
As a policeman I just don't feel comfortable breaking the law.
- I know that sounds stupid- - Look, mate...
Coppers stick together.
And if we have to bend the rules, then we do it together.
That's the police culture.
And you'll do a lot better on the force
If you admit you're one of us from the start.
- So you come out, all right? - I'm out on Friday.
Yeah.
Um... Patricia?
Regarding the current dysfunctional nature
Of the non-male persons' locker room...
The ladies loos, yes?
Well... ( clears throat )
I wonder if you could inform your compatriots
Of the female variety
That I am, of course, arranging for the ladies'...
You know, the ladies', um...
Machine...
To be moved.
The what?
The ladies' machine.
You know, the mechanized purveyor of...
Purificatory dressings.
Swabs...
Sanitationary compresses...
Applications- internal and external-
Ladies', for the use of,
As and when required,
Traditionally... ( clears throat )
On a monthly basis.
- Raymond, there's nothing embarrassing about tam- - no, no, no, no.
No, what an idea. Blimey. Embarrassed? Ha!
I talk about them all the time.
Rarely not talking about them.
Get quite boring on the subject, as a matter of fact.
Oh, no. Anyway...
The, um- well, the, um...
Thingy machine will be relocated
In the male locker room
In a suitably discreet darkened corner.
Unless of course, you'd rather we put it in the cellar?
You know, to save embarrassment.
- No, the locker room will be fine. - Oh, good, good.
So in the broom cupboard behind the cistern it goes, then.
The vile scourge of drugs has arrived in Gasforth.
Some people won't admit it,
But I for one am not gonna bury my head in an ostrich.
Kids are already taking "e"
Openly, in clubs.
And that is only the thin end of the bush.
Today, it's "e."
Next week it might be "f..."
Possibly even "g."
Tomorrow night there is gonna be a rave at the Old Gasworks.
C.I.D. officers,
Led by detective inspector Derek Grim-
In the person of myself,
For that is me-
Will be in attendance, and also it is where we will be.
That is all.
Drugs. Drugs.
What is wrong with young people today,
With their uppers, downers,
Poppers, toppers,
Speed, whizz, crack, junk,
Smack, splosh, zing,
Bonk, barf, oink, wham-bam?
Can't they amuse themselves without chemical stimulation?
Haven't they heard of monopoly?
I suppose they're just not as boring-
I mean, as sensible as you were, sir.
- They're looking for something more exciting. - Exciting?
Have you ever had hotels on Mayfair and Park Lane?
You can make a fortune.
Great plates of wobbly custard,
Why this need for sensory stimulants?
When I was an adolescent,
My idea of a major sensory stimulant
Was sucking on a fisherman's friend.
( snorts, laughs )
Have I said something amusing, constable Goody?
Oh, yes, sir, definitely.
Really? Then perhaps you'd like to explain the joke to me.
Yes, I will.
Well, sir, you said
That you were stimulated
By sucking on a fisherman's friend.
And I think that's very funny.
I see. And why do you find it funny, constable Goody?
They're horrible, aren't they? Everyone knows that.
I'm gonna clean up this town, Boyle.
Drugs are the effluence of society,
And I'm the toilet duck.
I'll show these bloody kids
When Grim of Gasforth puts his backside on the line,
They can't just stick two fingers up.
- Yeah. - What's wrong with being bored, anyway?
The rest of us have to sit at home in front of the telly,
- Why shouldn't they? - I'll tell you what, sir,
Me and some of the lads have organized
A lock-in after tomorrow night's raid.
Why don't you get in on it?
I don't know, Boyle. I don't normally do that sort of thing.
Oh come on, sir.
You spend all evening chasing drug addicts
And you can't even have a little drinky at the end of it?
That can't be right, now can it, eh?
Kevin!
What are you doing?
Just giving you a whiff of my "testostricles."
I shall speak to your mother.
Oh, Maggie, Maggie, Maggie, Maggie-
Can I talk to you about something?
It's just that I've got a sort of moral dilemma.
You see, Gary Boyle has been going on at me
About coming out.
- He wants you to come out? - Yes.
He wants me to come out and admit that I'm one of them.
What's it got to do with him? Tell him to bug off.
No, no, no, you see in so many ways,
I feel that I'd actually quite like to, you know?
But it isn't easy, what with being a policeman and everything.
Oh, I see.
Well, whatever you decide to do, Kevin,
I want you to know I think you're being really brave,
And I really admire you.
This perfume is sex dynamite.
I'm gonna dunk my trousers in it.
- Do you want a splash? - Listen, son,
A woman likes to smell a man
As nature intended-
Sweat, guinness and pickled onions.
You can't bottle that.
I'm off for my rebirthing.
Ah, yes, rebirthing.
Just remember to pick me up at 10:00.
Patricia, I'm hardly likely
To leave a newborn baby to fend for itself
In the sports center car park, now am I?
Mmm.
There's one reborn every minute.
You don't think much of sergeant Dawkins' interest
In alternative inner healing, do you, sir?
Why is everybody searching for this something inside them?
Patricia and her quest for the inner woman,
Children and their drugs.
It's an alternative culture now, sir.
People are asking questions, they want to know who they are.
Then they should damn well look at their passports.
Alternative culture, heh.
I remember when our idea of alternative culture
Was turning over to ITV.
People have too much choice these days.
Did you know that you can get an almond mars bar?
An almond mars bar?
Mars bars got by for over 50 years without almonds in them.
Yes, sir.
They've put caramel in the wispas.
We live in a debauched, hedonistic age.
Young people are addicted to pleasure.
Not all young people, sir.
My little sister's addicted to organized religion,
- Exams, and net ball. - Mmm.
She sounds like a very fine young woman.
Proof that not all young people are decadent wastrels.
Ah, Maggie- a young lady for you. Says she's your sister.
- Hello, Maggie. - Hello, Nazia.
This is my little sister Nazia, sir.
Ah, splendid, splendid.
Welcome to Gasforth, Nazia. I'm sure you'll love it.
We have a museum, a small library
And a fascinating 18th century stone horse trough.
Stuff that. Soon as I got my glad rags on, I'm out raving.
Better change if you want to come, Mags.
You look like a right tosspot in that pig's costume.
Habib: Make yourself at home, why don't you?
- All right if I smoke? - You haven't started smoking cigarettes, have you?
- Just grass. - Nazia!
Go on, flush that down the toilet right now.
- You realize, it's actually my duty to arrest you? - Go on then.
- Or at least tell mom. - You wouldn't.
( humming ) Oh!
One minute late. Very sorry, Maggie.
That's all right, Kevin.
- Kevin- - yes, yes, yes.
- I don't want to pry... - Yes.
...But I was wondering whether you thought more about your coming out.
Well, yes I have... Lots.
But it's very confusing, you know.
Sometimes I swing one way, sometimes the other.
- Oh I see... Bi. - Bye.
Morning, doll. Sorry to keep you waiting.
I was up all night at a lock-in. Had to shower off.
Lovely, very refreshing. Hey-
I found some lovely scented soap in there.
Peach shampoo and sea-fresh deodorant.
I like having birds in our bogs.
Oh, I could shag myself.
Don't forget I've got my reflexology this evening, Raymond.
Ah, yes... Reflexology. Which one's that again?
It's a terrific shortcut to all-body well-being.
Every part of you is represented on the sole of the foot.
So any pain or uptightness
Can be alleviated by firmly massaging the foot.
So here is the liver, and the colon, and the buttocks-
And, uh... Where is the foot represented on the foot?
Um...
- Well, I- - supposing I had a really sore foot?
How would you soothe my foot?
By grabbing my foot and sticking your thumbs into my foot?
Raymond, do I ask you to logically justify
Your covering the kitchen table
With a balsa wood model of a lancaster bomber?
No, but I'll be quite happy to.
Constable Boyle-
For the final time, if you're going to use my soap,
Could you please remove your hairs from it once you've finished?!
You're mrs. Squeamish.
It's just benign, non-volatile dead cell matter.
It is benign, non-volatile dead cell matter
That grew out of your scrotum!
And I hate it. How do you do it?
I could've stuffed a mattress by now.
Each day I gouge a small toupee off the soap,
And the next day it's back,
Looking like a member of the grateful dead.
Inspector Fowler- I would like to lodge a formal protest
Against having to share a locker room
With the gruesome fallout from constable Boyle's
Rapidly balding bodily parts.
We assemble at 011:30 hundred hours
P.M. in the evening.
That is all. Let's go, go, go.
Big raid this, quite exciting.
Hope we get some dealers, not just silly kids.
Do you fancy a bit of chewing gum to calm your nerves?
It's a new brand- fresh n' easy.
Got it out of the machine in the locker room.
Sounds great.
Gives you a great fresh feel all day...
Helps you get on with life
And no leaking.
Which is great, isn't it?
Because I often dribble a bit if I try and chew
And watch television at the same time.
Oh, yes.
Great satan's sponge-bag, you imbecile boy!
- Watch where you're going. - I'm sorry, I'm so sorry.
Sir, with respect,
I think you should be a bit more understanding with Kevin.
He's a bit distracted, you see.
The thing is he's told me that he's coming out.
Coming out?
Do you mean coming out
As a "Guardian" reader would understand the term?
Absolutely, sir.
Oh, I see.
I must go out of my way to put him at his ease.
( clears throat ) Now then, Goody...
Um... I've asked you to come and see me
On a matter about which I feel no embarrassment...
( clears throat )
No embarrassment, whatsoever.
Constable Habib has informed me
That you're worried about-
About, um...
Coming out.
Well...
I suppose it has been on my mind sir, yes.
- You mustn't worry yourself unduly, Goody. - That's good, sir.
Because Gary Boyle
Says that having a sly quickie after work
Is a police tradition.
- He said that? - Oh, yes.
He says that if a bloke
Can't get a couple of stiff ones down his neck after work,
Then what's the point of being a copper?
He reckons that the pub lock-in is all part of police culture.
Pub lock-in?
You mean you've been asked to come out for an illegal drink?
That's what's been worrying you?
Yes, C.I.D. do it all the time.
I'm really pleased it doesn't bother you.
I'll tell you what, I'll be stuck into the malibu
At the "frog and truncheon" tonight.
And if you do, you appalling youth,
You'll be stuck in a cell tomorrow morning.
I'm aware there are certain nod-and-a-wink customs
In which C.I.D. officers ignore the law,
But I will not allow the corruption of my officers.
Quite frankly, I preferred you when you were a homosexual.
Get out.
All right,
I want urine from all this lot.
Would somebody kindly take the urine?
Check their eyeballs.
If the pupils are dislocated, nick 'em.
Look for the signs of addiction-
A distant stare,
Regular truancy,
Loss of appetite at mealtimes.
Boyle, Timmy!
You didn't get rid of it, did you?
I'll never forgive you for this, Nazia.
( dog barking )
I have no excuse, sir.
I was protecting my sister.
You understand that I'm going to have to charge you?
Yes, sir.
You fool, constable.
What madness possessed you?
She's my little sister, sir.
My mom would've died.
She'd be-
Go to your desk, constable.
Derek...
Constable Habib is by far and away my best officer.
She already represents a public investment of many thousands of pounds.
What are you suggesting, inspector Fowler?
I am suggesting...
That we do not charge her.
She has a fine career ahead of her,
And because of one insane moment of filial loyalty-
I don't believe I'm hearing this!
Inspector high and mighty
Snooty snotty hoity-toity Fowler
- Wants me to break the law? - I know!
I know.
But she was just trying to help her little sister.
And when her little sister is a drug baron
Defending an armored crack house
With a shoulder-held missile launcher,
Will it be all right to help her then?
No. I don't like it,
But I know my duty.
We're charging her.
It's been a long night.
Right, Boyle, what about that drink we were discussing?
- Cheers. - Boyle: Thank you very much, sir.
You're very welcome, Boyle.
We can settle up later.
I reckon this raid might mean promotion for you, sir.
Well, I can't deny I am rather expecting
A call from a grateful chief constable.
Ah, I can't see anything going wrong with that.
Hey, unless we get raided.
Gladstone: All right, you lot- it's well past closing time.
You're all under arrest.
Out through the bog, sir, old copper's trick.
The problem with old copper's tricks, constable Boyle,
Is that old coppers know 'em.
Don't do me for this, Fowler.
I've never done anything like it before.
A conviction would ruin my career.
Never mind, inspector Grim, it was never a very promising one...
Unlike constable Habib's.
You can't compare withholding evidence of drugs
With a friendly little lock-in.
Really? I think you'll find that I can.
Also, I think you'll find that the promotions board
Will be inclined to view any criminal conviction
As something of a blot on a policeman's record.
All right, I won't charge Habib.
In that case, I won't charge you or Boyle.
I've got a couple of outstanding parking tickets, sir.
You think you can get me off those?
I'm terribly sorry to keep you waiting, mr. Glockenspiel,
But I've been assembling the relevant financial reports
Regarding the ladies' locker room.
No rush, you won't get a penny out of me anyway.
I took the liberty of making myself
A mug of bovril whilst I was waiting.
- Your very good health. - Bovril?
Yes, my favorite beverage-
Nutritious, and above all, cheap.
I saw that cube on your desk.
So I made free with your kettle.
- No! - Oh, don't worry, I've left you half.
Quick, get a requisition slip.
Mr. Glockenspiel says we can have as many lavatories as we like.
In fact, he's offered to put in jacuzzis and a steam room.
Also, he's asked for kebabs, pizzas
And 15 king-size mars bars-
No almonds.
Right then, Henry, let's talk toilets.
( theme music playing )
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