1 00:00:02,990 --> 00:00:05,258 Good evening, everybody. 2 00:00:05,259 --> 00:00:08,995 "play up, play up, and play the game." 3 00:00:08,996 --> 00:00:14,000 Kipling said that if you can meet triumph and disaster 4 00:00:14,001 --> 00:00:16,969 And treat them just the same, 5 00:00:16,970 --> 00:00:19,606 Then you will be a man. 6 00:00:20,941 --> 00:00:24,411 These days of course, you would have to say "person," 7 00:00:24,412 --> 00:00:27,180 Which doesn't even scan. 8 00:00:27,181 --> 00:00:32,251 But nobody bothers about that sort of thing anymore, of course. 9 00:00:32,252 --> 00:00:36,956 Nonetheless, Kipling's message is needed more today than it ever was. 10 00:00:36,957 --> 00:00:39,959 Because sport, as we shall see, 11 00:00:39,960 --> 00:00:42,962 Is like a half-sucked sweet, 12 00:00:42,963 --> 00:00:45,965 Not what it used to be. 13 00:00:47,401 --> 00:00:50,804 ( theme music playing ) 14 00:00:55,876 --> 00:00:57,444 Goody: Sorry, sorry. 15 00:00:58,546 --> 00:01:00,279 I love football. 16 00:01:00,280 --> 00:01:03,450 There's so many aspects to the modern game- 17 00:01:03,451 --> 00:01:07,687 The beer, the crisps, 18 00:01:07,688 --> 00:01:09,789 The dirty songs, 19 00:01:09,790 --> 00:01:12,959 Just savoring the pre-match atmosphere. 20 00:01:13,961 --> 00:01:15,495 ( belches ) 21 00:01:17,331 --> 00:01:21,401 Do you mind? I think we could do without your pre-match atmosphere. 22 00:01:21,402 --> 00:01:23,737 Oh, I love a good burp, me. 23 00:01:23,738 --> 00:01:26,272 A really good chewy one. 24 00:01:26,273 --> 00:01:28,608 Big solid beer-flavored belch. 25 00:01:30,578 --> 00:01:35,582 A really huge tongue-twanging mouthful of gas and dinner. 26 00:01:35,583 --> 00:01:38,117 Nothing like it. Especially at the footie. 27 00:01:38,118 --> 00:01:40,820 Gladiators is my sport. 28 00:01:43,290 --> 00:01:46,025 I love it. Such thighs. 29 00:01:46,026 --> 00:01:48,127 Colossal thighs. 30 00:01:48,128 --> 00:01:51,498 They could crack nuts with those thighs. 31 00:01:51,499 --> 00:01:53,900 In wolf's case, his own. 32 00:01:55,168 --> 00:01:57,103 Oh, yes. I'm going to go in for it one day, 33 00:01:57,104 --> 00:01:59,506 When I've pumped enough iron to fill my leotard. 34 00:02:01,141 --> 00:02:04,310 I've already got my name- love muscle. 35 00:02:05,713 --> 00:02:08,848 Yes, football is boring compared to gladiators. 36 00:02:08,849 --> 00:02:11,017 Football is not boring. 37 00:02:11,018 --> 00:02:12,184 No. 38 00:02:12,185 --> 00:02:14,387 It's the reason god made Saturday afternoons. 39 00:02:14,388 --> 00:02:18,525 Football is just a socially sanitized homo-erotic ritual. 40 00:02:18,526 --> 00:02:20,427 "socially sat--" 41 00:02:20,428 --> 00:02:22,094 What nonsense, constable Habib. 42 00:02:22,095 --> 00:02:24,964 Is there no trendy leftist theorem 43 00:02:24,965 --> 00:02:27,133 Which you will not uncritically embrace? 44 00:02:27,134 --> 00:02:30,269 Some american feminists think sport was invented 45 00:02:30,270 --> 00:02:34,273 So that men could avoid confronting their sexuality. 46 00:02:34,274 --> 00:02:37,310 Some american feminists think that phoning a woman 47 00:02:37,311 --> 00:02:41,047 While she's having an afternoon nap constitutes assault. 48 00:02:41,048 --> 00:02:44,684 Homo-erotic ritual? Coconuts and custard. 49 00:02:44,685 --> 00:02:48,087 On what evidence is such an appalling generalization based? 50 00:02:48,088 --> 00:02:50,389 I think it's obvious. 51 00:02:50,390 --> 00:02:53,426 For instance, Gary plays football every Sunday. 52 00:02:53,427 --> 00:02:56,395 Now, what do you do after the game, Gary? 53 00:02:56,396 --> 00:02:59,231 Let me think. 54 00:02:59,232 --> 00:03:02,969 We all get in the bath together, we have a bit of a splash, 55 00:03:02,970 --> 00:03:05,104 And a bit of a sing-song, you know? 56 00:03:05,105 --> 00:03:07,807 "the hairs on her dickey di do," "tits out for the lads"-- 57 00:03:08,976 --> 00:03:11,511 All the classics. 58 00:03:11,512 --> 00:03:13,646 And then after that there's a towel fight- 59 00:03:13,647 --> 00:03:15,682 You beat each other with wet towels? 60 00:03:15,683 --> 00:03:17,784 You've got to have a flick, haven't you? 61 00:03:17,785 --> 00:03:20,887 Then we all get in the pub, pour a load of beer over each other's heads, 62 00:03:20,888 --> 00:03:23,055 And sing more songs about lovely saucy birds. 63 00:03:23,056 --> 00:03:26,726 If it's a really good night, fall over in a puddle of vom' on the way home. 64 00:03:28,061 --> 00:03:30,429 There you go. Blokes singing about women, 65 00:03:30,430 --> 00:03:33,366 But actually wallowing in their own naked excess. 66 00:03:33,367 --> 00:03:35,635 It's transparent suppressed homo-eroticism. 67 00:03:35,636 --> 00:03:38,204 Long as it gets you pissed. 68 00:03:38,205 --> 00:03:39,672 Constable Habib, 69 00:03:39,673 --> 00:03:41,975 Do you think that the gay sexual community 70 00:03:41,976 --> 00:03:45,411 Would thank you for categorizing their particular sexual preference 71 00:03:45,412 --> 00:03:49,382 As the act of a disgusting, puerile, drunken oaf like Boyle? 72 00:03:49,383 --> 00:03:53,252 - Steady on. - Your mistake, constable Habib, 73 00:03:53,253 --> 00:03:55,989 Is to seek a sexual explanation for the simple truth 74 00:03:55,990 --> 00:03:59,692 That men understand football but they rarely understand women. 75 00:03:59,693 --> 00:04:02,128 Oh, that's very true, sir. 76 00:04:02,129 --> 00:04:05,565 I could demonstrate the mechanics of the offside trap, 77 00:04:05,566 --> 00:04:07,867 But I couldn't tell you why 78 00:04:07,868 --> 00:04:10,737 All the women I have ever loved have said to me, 79 00:04:10,738 --> 00:04:13,072 "I've got a fat bottom." 80 00:04:13,073 --> 00:04:16,609 And then I say, "yes, I like it." 81 00:04:16,610 --> 00:04:18,878 They throw their dinner at me. 82 00:04:18,879 --> 00:04:21,648 Lying about a girl's bottom is part of a man's duties. 83 00:04:21,649 --> 00:04:24,483 It makes up for never putting the toilet seat down 84 00:04:24,484 --> 00:04:27,053 And not replacing the loo roll when it's empty. 85 00:04:27,054 --> 00:04:29,088 Well, explain this then. 86 00:04:29,089 --> 00:04:33,292 What is it about the inability of women to get out of the house? 87 00:04:33,293 --> 00:04:34,994 - What? - You heard. 88 00:04:34,995 --> 00:04:39,165 Why can't women ever get out of the house? 89 00:04:39,166 --> 00:04:43,102 I say, "Tina, we are leaving at 7:30." 90 00:04:43,103 --> 00:04:47,740 That is 7:30, not a quarter to 8:00, not next year, 91 00:04:47,741 --> 00:04:51,343 Not in another lifetime when we've come back as a couple of insects 92 00:04:51,344 --> 00:04:55,114 Which only live for a day- which she'd spend in the bathroom, 93 00:04:55,115 --> 00:04:59,118 Putting mascara on her antennae 94 00:04:59,119 --> 00:05:05,091 And trying to stick 300 contact lenses into her multiple eyes. 95 00:05:05,092 --> 00:05:08,928 Lipstick in her- spiracles, 96 00:05:08,929 --> 00:05:11,297 And blonding her follicles. 97 00:05:11,298 --> 00:05:14,801 - Yes, the kick-off is- - I shout, "come on, Tina!" 98 00:05:14,802 --> 00:05:17,637 She says, "I've got to put my face on, haven't I?" 99 00:05:17,638 --> 00:05:20,773 I say, "right. I'm waiting in the car. She says, "wait in the car." 100 00:05:20,774 --> 00:05:24,010 I say, "I will wait in the car." she says, "right, go wait in the car." 101 00:05:24,011 --> 00:05:25,612 I say, "I'm going out to the car." 102 00:05:25,613 --> 00:05:29,816 She says, "you go to the car." it grinds you down. 103 00:05:30,818 --> 00:05:32,852 ( sighs ) 104 00:05:34,087 --> 00:05:37,190 Oh, what a very splendid thing this is, 105 00:05:37,191 --> 00:05:41,527 The local community coming together in celebration of sport. 106 00:05:41,528 --> 00:05:44,730 It's what being british is all about. 107 00:05:44,731 --> 00:05:47,466 What? Being wet and bored? 108 00:05:47,467 --> 00:05:50,570 Well, yes, being wet and bored is part of it, certainly. 109 00:05:50,571 --> 00:05:52,771 But there's so much more. 110 00:05:52,772 --> 00:05:55,474 I mean, look at this stadium. 111 00:05:55,475 --> 00:05:57,343 It reeks of history. 112 00:05:57,344 --> 00:05:59,412 It reeks of weed. 113 00:05:59,413 --> 00:06:01,414 Under these ancient terraces, 114 00:06:01,415 --> 00:06:03,882 Gasforth town F.C. have seen it all. 115 00:06:03,883 --> 00:06:09,255 From not quite disaster, to complete disaster. 116 00:06:09,256 --> 00:06:13,726 From bottom of the league, to not even in the league. 117 00:06:13,727 --> 00:06:17,162 - It's a dump. - And therein lies its glory. 118 00:06:18,765 --> 00:06:23,302 We don't need some vast superbowl with a great big electronic sign 119 00:06:23,303 --> 00:06:27,973 That says "fwaaaah! Go-ooo!" 120 00:06:27,974 --> 00:06:31,110 We're quite happy to gather together in small groups 121 00:06:31,111 --> 00:06:34,179 On a wet Saturday and be a bit sad. 122 00:06:34,180 --> 00:06:36,382 ( players yelling ) 123 00:06:38,452 --> 00:06:40,786 - ( crowd sighs ) - ( whistle blows ) 124 00:06:40,787 --> 00:06:44,323 Do you think they know they're supposed to get the round leather thing 125 00:06:44,324 --> 00:06:47,159 Into the big square netty thing? 126 00:06:47,160 --> 00:06:49,262 Amateurs all, Goody, remember that. 127 00:06:49,263 --> 00:06:52,131 Weekend sporting heroes- 128 00:06:52,132 --> 00:06:56,235 Butchers, bakers, builders. 129 00:06:56,236 --> 00:06:59,104 I wouldn't want to live in a house that lot had built. 130 00:06:59,105 --> 00:07:02,841 - They're just not very good, are they? - Exactly, Habib. 131 00:07:02,842 --> 00:07:06,145 Not being good at things is what the british are good at. 132 00:07:06,146 --> 00:07:08,781 We excel in failure. 133 00:07:08,782 --> 00:07:12,151 A good thing too, because failure is character building. 134 00:07:12,152 --> 00:07:16,088 Some of our finest moments have been defeats. 135 00:07:16,089 --> 00:07:19,292 Mons, Dunkirk, 136 00:07:19,293 --> 00:07:22,261 Lulu coming second at eurovision with "boom bang a bang." 137 00:07:22,262 --> 00:07:25,164 The french vote was our undoing, of course. 138 00:07:25,165 --> 00:07:28,634 They've never got over Agincourt. 139 00:07:29,636 --> 00:07:31,170 What a waste of time. 140 00:07:31,171 --> 00:07:33,939 I've never seen such a useless 141 00:07:33,940 --> 00:07:36,642 Bunch of old women in all my life. 142 00:07:36,643 --> 00:07:40,078 They've got no aggression, no killer instinct. 143 00:07:40,079 --> 00:07:42,214 Oh, I don't know. 144 00:07:42,215 --> 00:07:44,283 The one with the limp's not bad. 145 00:07:44,284 --> 00:07:46,419 I'm not talking about the players, 146 00:07:46,420 --> 00:07:48,421 I'm talking about the fans. 147 00:07:48,422 --> 00:07:53,025 I am an inspector of criminal investigations. 148 00:07:53,026 --> 00:07:55,461 When I police a football match 149 00:07:55,462 --> 00:07:58,197 I expect a decent enemy. 150 00:07:58,198 --> 00:08:00,700 Where are the skinheads, 151 00:08:00,701 --> 00:08:03,602 The shadowy street-fighting generals? 152 00:08:03,603 --> 00:08:08,140 You only get premiere-league hooligans with premiere-league sides, sir. 153 00:08:08,141 --> 00:08:10,343 Don't be so defeatist, constable Boyle, 154 00:08:10,344 --> 00:08:14,947 This could be the season when Gasforth F.C. rises like a phoenix. 155 00:08:14,948 --> 00:08:16,816 More like a turkey. 156 00:08:16,817 --> 00:08:19,418 We're already through the first round of the F.A. Cup. 157 00:08:19,419 --> 00:08:23,589 Only because their lot all got food poisoning from our burger van. 158 00:08:23,590 --> 00:08:25,558 Nice game that. It's a long time 159 00:08:25,559 --> 00:08:28,160 Since I've seen 11 men vomiting in tight formation. 160 00:08:28,161 --> 00:08:31,864 - Nonetheless, if we win today- - Ooh, ooh, sir, sir, look! 161 00:08:31,865 --> 00:08:35,568 - ( crowd cheering ) - Goal! 162 00:08:35,569 --> 00:08:39,372 - ( whistle blows ) - An F.A. Cup second round victory for Gasforth. 163 00:08:39,373 --> 00:08:41,741 - Lucky shot. - They all count. 164 00:08:41,742 --> 00:08:43,776 Where was their goalie? 165 00:08:43,777 --> 00:08:46,512 Look, sir. There he is coming out of the bogs. 166 00:08:48,181 --> 00:08:51,350 Mmm, we really must get the health and safety people 167 00:08:51,351 --> 00:08:53,719 To have a look at that burger van. 168 00:08:57,824 --> 00:09:01,660 Uggghhh! I can't stand it! 169 00:09:01,661 --> 00:09:04,963 Those pathetic little- little builders 170 00:09:04,964 --> 00:09:06,999 Working outside the bank. 171 00:09:07,000 --> 00:09:09,668 Every time a woman goes in or out of that door 172 00:09:09,669 --> 00:09:12,271 They're there, hanging off their scaffolding 173 00:09:12,272 --> 00:09:14,473 Like sexually inadequate bats. 174 00:09:14,474 --> 00:09:16,776 - Who's that then? - Men! 175 00:09:16,777 --> 00:09:19,845 Tiny brained, sexually frustrated, 176 00:09:19,846 --> 00:09:21,980 Emotionally retarded, 177 00:09:21,981 --> 00:09:26,084 Inadequate, puerile, juvenile, drooling, 178 00:09:26,085 --> 00:09:29,422 Leering, sneering, pointless bloody men. 179 00:09:30,824 --> 00:09:32,825 Could be half the blokes I know. 180 00:09:32,826 --> 00:09:34,560 Dawkins: They've always been bad. 181 00:09:34,561 --> 00:09:37,963 But this stupid F.A. Cup thing's made them even worse. 182 00:09:37,964 --> 00:09:40,666 What you've got to do is not sink to their level. 183 00:09:40,667 --> 00:09:43,536 Just turn around, give them a smile, 184 00:09:43,537 --> 00:09:45,337 Maybe a bit of a wiggle, and say, 185 00:09:45,338 --> 00:09:48,541 "Oi, bum head, do up your flies, your brain's hanging out." 186 00:09:50,877 --> 00:09:52,411 Tell them get stuffed. 187 00:09:52,412 --> 00:09:55,180 Oh, yeah, sure. 188 00:09:55,181 --> 00:09:58,016 They're 30 feet up and I'm standing on the pavement going, 189 00:09:58,017 --> 00:09:59,752 ( weakly ) "Get stuffed." 190 00:09:59,753 --> 00:10:01,587 They'd love it! 191 00:10:01,588 --> 00:10:05,825 ( deep voice ) Oohhh! You're beautiful when you're angry, darling. 192 00:10:07,727 --> 00:10:11,330 Well, I would have thought it were flattering. 193 00:10:11,331 --> 00:10:14,266 Of course it is, Boyle. 194 00:10:14,267 --> 00:10:16,802 There's nothing builds up a girl's self-esteem 195 00:10:16,803 --> 00:10:18,571 Like having a human gorilla 196 00:10:18,572 --> 00:10:20,806 With a brain the size of a peanut 197 00:10:20,807 --> 00:10:23,976 Inviting you peel its banana! 198 00:10:25,946 --> 00:10:28,981 ( humming ) Ah, sergeant, 199 00:10:28,982 --> 00:10:32,150 Since you still have 18 seconds to go before you're back on duty... 200 00:10:32,151 --> 00:10:35,488 Darling, I must say you're looking lovely today. 201 00:10:35,489 --> 00:10:37,089 Very lovely indeed. 202 00:10:37,090 --> 00:10:40,192 Do up your flies, bum head, you're brain's hanging out. 203 00:10:42,061 --> 00:10:44,964 Mmm. Hmmm, well. 204 00:10:44,965 --> 00:10:47,533 I must get on, must get on. 205 00:10:49,702 --> 00:10:51,603 Constable Habib, 206 00:10:51,604 --> 00:10:54,473 Hold all but the most urgent calls. 207 00:10:54,474 --> 00:10:57,510 - There haven't been any calls. - When there are, hold them. 208 00:10:57,511 --> 00:11:00,146 Inspector Grim, you're on duty. 209 00:11:00,147 --> 00:11:02,381 You can't strut about like Roy of the rovers. 210 00:11:02,382 --> 00:11:06,052 I have gone undercover. 211 00:11:06,053 --> 00:11:09,221 That should fool them. 212 00:11:09,222 --> 00:11:13,159 Listen, Fowler, this is the sharp end, mate, 213 00:11:13,160 --> 00:11:16,162 Not jolly cricket bats, 214 00:11:16,163 --> 00:11:19,165 Lovely boating weather, don't you know? 215 00:11:19,166 --> 00:11:21,733 Oxford and Cambridge- row, row, row, 216 00:11:21,734 --> 00:11:23,802 And hoist your little cox above your head. 217 00:11:25,572 --> 00:11:29,141 This is football, and football is not a game. 218 00:11:29,142 --> 00:11:31,009 Well, obviously it is a game. 219 00:11:31,010 --> 00:11:33,479 But it is also not a game. 220 00:11:33,480 --> 00:11:35,247 I mean, even though it is a game, 221 00:11:35,248 --> 00:11:37,416 There's no point treating it like a game, 222 00:11:37,417 --> 00:11:40,686 Because it is not a game. Although clearly it is a game. 223 00:11:42,289 --> 00:11:44,790 All right, Boyle, with me. Let's go, go, go. 224 00:11:44,791 --> 00:11:47,426 I think we should contact the x-files, sir. 225 00:11:47,427 --> 00:11:51,297 Inspector Grim's body has been inhabited by a being from the planet Berk. 226 00:11:52,299 --> 00:11:53,932 Respect for rank, Habib. 227 00:11:53,933 --> 00:11:56,202 It's just as well he's out of the way, actually, 228 00:11:56,203 --> 00:11:58,137 I have an appointment with the mayoress. 229 00:11:58,138 --> 00:12:00,772 And he does rather lower the tone. 230 00:12:00,773 --> 00:12:03,409 - They mayoress is coming here? - Yes, that's right. 231 00:12:03,410 --> 00:12:06,011 Dame Christabel Wickham. 232 00:12:06,012 --> 00:12:07,846 "Chrissy Wicky," yes. 233 00:12:07,847 --> 00:12:11,083 - Who you were at school with? - I had that honor, yes. 234 00:12:11,084 --> 00:12:14,186 - And you've fancied ever since? - Yes, that's the one- no! 235 00:12:14,187 --> 00:12:15,621 Now don't be absurd. 236 00:12:15,622 --> 00:12:18,257 I'll know anyway, because your nose always twitches 237 00:12:18,258 --> 00:12:20,025 When you fancy someone. 238 00:12:20,026 --> 00:12:23,462 - Patricia, you're not jealous, surely? - Of course not. 239 00:12:23,463 --> 00:12:25,598 Why would I be, when my boyfriend dribbles 240 00:12:25,599 --> 00:12:27,466 At the thought of another woman? 241 00:12:27,467 --> 00:12:31,203 But that's ridiculous, Patricia. How could you feel threatened by her? 242 00:12:31,204 --> 00:12:33,739 - It's insane. - Are you sure, Raymond? 243 00:12:33,740 --> 00:12:35,241 Well, of course. 244 00:12:35,242 --> 00:12:38,977 Chrissy Wickham is brilliant, beautiful, accomplished. 245 00:12:38,978 --> 00:12:42,281 I could never get a girl like that. 246 00:12:45,585 --> 00:12:47,719 She's completely out of my league. 247 00:12:50,123 --> 00:12:52,291 Thank you, Raymond, you've said enough. 248 00:12:52,292 --> 00:12:55,394 I hope I've set your mind at rest. 249 00:12:55,395 --> 00:13:00,098 A wonderful woman like that is scarcely a threat to any girlfriend of mine. 250 00:13:04,371 --> 00:13:07,139 Good morning. Good morning. Sit, sit, sit. 251 00:13:07,140 --> 00:13:09,241 As you all know, there's been 252 00:13:09,242 --> 00:13:12,611 A quite extraordinary development in the world of sport. 253 00:13:12,612 --> 00:13:16,248 Gasforth are going to play a premier-league side in the F.A. Cup. 254 00:13:16,249 --> 00:13:19,284 And what's more, it's a home game. Chelsea are coming to us. 255 00:13:20,954 --> 00:13:23,522 Now what are our chief concerns? 256 00:13:23,523 --> 00:13:26,826 Let's... Kick off, as it were- 257 00:13:26,827 --> 00:13:28,527 ( chuckles ) 258 00:13:32,599 --> 00:13:36,134 With the prospects for crowd trouble. 259 00:13:36,135 --> 00:13:39,905 Now sadly, the game of football is not what it was. 260 00:13:39,906 --> 00:13:43,676 Gone are the days when decent lads in enormous shorts 261 00:13:43,677 --> 00:13:48,481 Thrilled peaceful crowds of chirpy cloth-capped costermongers. 262 00:13:50,817 --> 00:13:55,287 What sort of example do these permed and preening louts of today set? 263 00:13:55,288 --> 00:13:57,322 These gazzers and bazzers 264 00:13:57,323 --> 00:14:00,860 And slashers and hackers and rozzers and tozzers? 265 00:14:01,995 --> 00:14:04,329 Footballers used to have nice names. 266 00:14:04,330 --> 00:14:07,533 Like Dixie Dean, 267 00:14:07,534 --> 00:14:10,035 Tiddler Tompkins, 268 00:14:10,036 --> 00:14:12,938 Nobbie Nut and Ginger Curlies. 269 00:14:15,675 --> 00:14:19,578 Raymond, the world's finest example of womanhood is at the front desk. 270 00:14:19,579 --> 00:14:22,648 Gloria Hunniford? 271 00:14:22,649 --> 00:14:28,454 The mayoress, brilliant, beautiful- think she might have had a little chin tuck. 272 00:14:28,455 --> 00:14:31,290 The mayoress? Here already? 273 00:14:31,291 --> 00:14:32,925 ( whimpers ) 274 00:14:32,926 --> 00:14:35,060 - How do I look? - Sad and pathetic. 275 00:14:35,061 --> 00:14:36,495 Good. Good. 276 00:14:39,733 --> 00:14:43,001 Mayoress Wickham, welcome to our humble and unworthy station. 277 00:14:43,002 --> 00:14:45,738 Hello, Raymond. 278 00:14:48,642 --> 00:14:52,545 Your worship, this is indeed an unhoped for honor. 279 00:14:54,414 --> 00:14:56,281 Don't be so formal. 280 00:14:56,282 --> 00:14:59,051 I can remember you following me up the stairs in big school 281 00:14:59,052 --> 00:15:00,820 Trying to see my knickers. 282 00:15:02,823 --> 00:15:04,356 ( titters ) 283 00:15:07,694 --> 00:15:09,895 I'm- I'm astonished and most touched 284 00:15:09,896 --> 00:15:13,131 That you recall our former acquaintance, ma'am. 285 00:15:13,132 --> 00:15:16,936 I could hardly forget old feely Fowler, could I? 286 00:15:16,937 --> 00:15:18,871 ( nervously giggles ) 287 00:15:20,440 --> 00:15:22,475 All right, where's your office? 288 00:15:22,476 --> 00:15:24,409 I want to get straight down to it. 289 00:15:32,218 --> 00:15:34,687 Tea, sergeant! 290 00:15:35,889 --> 00:15:38,657 Oh, please take a seat, your ma'amship. 291 00:15:38,658 --> 00:15:41,126 Oh, come on, Raymond. 292 00:15:41,127 --> 00:15:43,161 It's Chrissy in private. 293 00:15:43,162 --> 00:15:46,465 Oh, that is most kind your-your Chrissyship. 294 00:15:50,971 --> 00:15:53,071 This fixture against Chelsea, 295 00:15:53,072 --> 00:15:56,475 It's quite simply the biggest thing that's ever happened to Gasforth. 296 00:15:56,476 --> 00:15:58,777 And it could not have come a better time. 297 00:15:58,778 --> 00:16:02,447 You are aware of our "relocate in Gasforth" media campaign? 298 00:16:02,448 --> 00:16:05,484 Oh, I am indeed, yes. I've seen the posters, 299 00:16:05,485 --> 00:16:09,488 "Gasforth, it's not as bad as you think." 300 00:16:09,489 --> 00:16:12,992 Britain is poised to become the sweatshop of europe. 301 00:16:12,993 --> 00:16:16,461 - And Gasforth cannot afford to be left behind. - Well, no, indeed. 302 00:16:16,462 --> 00:16:18,430 We need profile. 303 00:16:18,431 --> 00:16:21,166 This F.A. Cup match is key. 304 00:16:21,167 --> 00:16:25,337 It will bring television, the press, and thousands of people into the town. 305 00:16:25,338 --> 00:16:28,874 Win or lose, Gasforth is on the map. 306 00:16:28,875 --> 00:16:30,543 Your tea, ma'am. 307 00:16:30,544 --> 00:16:32,912 Put it on the desk and leave us. 308 00:16:35,582 --> 00:16:38,083 I didn't make you one, feely. 309 00:16:38,084 --> 00:16:40,519 Thought you were hot and steaming enough already. 310 00:16:40,520 --> 00:16:43,221 Some biscuits, sergeant? 311 00:16:43,222 --> 00:16:45,223 If you offer her a custard cream 312 00:16:45,224 --> 00:16:47,359 Perhaps she'll let you look at her knickers. 313 00:16:50,229 --> 00:16:54,733 This will be Gasforth's big day. 314 00:16:54,734 --> 00:16:58,170 If anyone even looks as if they might cause trouble, lock 'em up. 315 00:16:59,573 --> 00:17:01,173 If you pull it off, Raymond, 316 00:17:01,174 --> 00:17:04,577 If my big day goes without a hitch, 317 00:17:04,578 --> 00:17:06,545 I'm going to do something for you 318 00:17:06,546 --> 00:17:08,614 That I know you've always wanted. 319 00:17:08,615 --> 00:17:11,650 Your worship. Can you mean--? 320 00:17:11,651 --> 00:17:14,086 I'm going to write to the honors commission 321 00:17:14,087 --> 00:17:16,488 And recommend you for an M.B.E. 322 00:17:18,191 --> 00:17:19,825 An m- 323 00:17:19,826 --> 00:17:23,028 An m-m-m-m, an m-m-m-m, 324 00:17:23,029 --> 00:17:25,664 An m- an m- 325 00:17:25,665 --> 00:17:29,434 An m-m-m-m- blimey. 326 00:17:29,435 --> 00:17:31,003 Raymond. 327 00:17:32,005 --> 00:17:33,739 ( spits ) 328 00:17:37,877 --> 00:17:39,812 - Raymond! - Huh? Patricia! 329 00:17:39,813 --> 00:17:41,480 ( screams ) 330 00:17:41,481 --> 00:17:43,749 - Fowler: Where am I? - Raymond! 331 00:17:44,751 --> 00:17:46,284 Biscuits! 332 00:17:49,823 --> 00:17:52,758 Goody: Gladiators ready! 333 00:17:53,760 --> 00:17:55,928 Enter... 334 00:17:55,929 --> 00:17:58,263 Love muscle. 335 00:18:03,169 --> 00:18:05,170 Ooh, Maggie. Maggie, Maggie 336 00:18:05,171 --> 00:18:07,272 Maggie, come here. Come here. 337 00:18:07,273 --> 00:18:10,675 Okay, now, who am I? Who am I? Okay? 338 00:18:13,479 --> 00:18:15,647 Quack, quack, quack, quack, quack, quack. 339 00:18:15,648 --> 00:18:18,217 Quack, quack, quack, wack, wack, wack. 340 00:18:20,419 --> 00:18:22,721 J. Nasty with a sore throat? 341 00:18:22,722 --> 00:18:24,823 Donald duck. 342 00:18:27,994 --> 00:18:31,296 Oh, I do love this riot gear. 343 00:18:33,299 --> 00:18:37,002 Really, what a horrid mind suspicious you have. 344 00:18:37,003 --> 00:18:39,671 There are any number of perfectly innocent reasons 345 00:18:39,672 --> 00:18:42,340 Why a man might put his head up the mayoress' skirt. 346 00:18:43,943 --> 00:18:46,611 She promised to recommend me for an M.B.E. 347 00:18:46,612 --> 00:18:49,481 Oh, well I hope she doesn't try and get you knighted. 348 00:18:49,482 --> 00:18:51,716 I should probably find you copulating together 349 00:18:51,717 --> 00:18:53,485 On the steps of the town hall! 350 00:18:53,486 --> 00:18:56,621 Really, Patricia, these insinuations are unworthy of you. 351 00:18:56,622 --> 00:18:59,691 My relationship with the mayoress is entirely respectable. 352 00:18:59,692 --> 00:19:02,261 Even when you've got your face in her underwear? 353 00:19:02,262 --> 00:19:04,930 Particularly when I've got my face in her underwear. 354 00:19:04,931 --> 00:19:06,364 Particularly. 355 00:19:06,365 --> 00:19:08,901 I think I've said all I need to say on the subject. 356 00:19:08,902 --> 00:19:11,336 Can we kindly move on to another topic? 357 00:19:11,337 --> 00:19:13,238 All right. Right. 358 00:19:17,110 --> 00:19:19,344 I'm going to the bank at lunchtime. 359 00:19:19,345 --> 00:19:21,780 Can I get you anything from the shops? 360 00:19:21,781 --> 00:19:25,284 - Ooh, hmmm. - Some chocolates, some flowers for the mayoress? 361 00:19:25,285 --> 00:19:30,622 Some blistick, so your lips don't get chapped when you're next kissing her bottom? 362 00:19:36,429 --> 00:19:39,932 Our job on match day will be to police the Gasforth crowd. 363 00:19:39,933 --> 00:19:44,303 The metropolitan police will, of course, be in charge of the Chelsea supporters, 364 00:19:44,304 --> 00:19:48,073 And a nasty bunch of ill-mannered yobbos they are bound to be. 365 00:19:48,074 --> 00:19:50,142 I anticipate quite appalling behavior. 366 00:19:50,143 --> 00:19:53,778 You're being prejudiced, sir. Most supporters are genuine fans. 367 00:19:53,779 --> 00:19:56,181 I wasn't talking about the supporters, Habib, 368 00:19:56,182 --> 00:19:58,984 I was talking about the metropolitan police. 369 00:19:58,985 --> 00:20:03,388 The idea of Gasforth being awash with London officers fills me with dread. 370 00:20:03,389 --> 00:20:05,790 Swaggering about the place, 371 00:20:05,791 --> 00:20:08,060 Calling each other "my son"... 372 00:20:09,929 --> 00:20:13,165 And saying that things have gone a bit pear-shaped. 373 00:20:13,166 --> 00:20:17,135 We of the Gasforth constabulary will be as smart as a bowl of cornflakes. 374 00:20:17,136 --> 00:20:20,805 I shall not have any of that london police behavior around here. 375 00:20:20,806 --> 00:20:23,075 Right, you lot. Shut it! 376 00:20:24,210 --> 00:20:26,912 Strewth, Fowler, my son, 377 00:20:26,913 --> 00:20:29,714 It all looks a bit pear-shaped round here or what? 378 00:20:30,884 --> 00:20:33,285 The guvnor's talking. 379 00:20:33,286 --> 00:20:36,288 Saturday's game, very dodgy. 380 00:20:36,289 --> 00:20:39,657 Very naughty. Could go a little bit pear-shaped. 381 00:20:39,658 --> 00:20:42,460 If there's a ruck, things might get, well, iffy. 382 00:20:42,461 --> 00:20:46,331 These faces are a little bit hard. Know what I mean? 383 00:20:46,332 --> 00:20:48,633 A little bit- ufff! Have some of that, my son. 384 00:20:48,634 --> 00:20:50,869 Bosh, salty, ta-ta. 385 00:20:50,870 --> 00:20:52,938 Got me? So be clever. 386 00:20:53,940 --> 00:20:56,208 Good. Now shut it! 387 00:20:56,209 --> 00:21:00,578 Inspector Grim, in recognition of our multilingual society, 388 00:21:00,579 --> 00:21:04,516 The modern force boasts officers trained in any number of languages. 389 00:21:04,517 --> 00:21:08,320 But not, I fear, complete idiot. 390 00:21:08,321 --> 00:21:15,360 Funny, tres droll. You're a comedian, my son, that I do not think. 391 00:21:15,361 --> 00:21:18,931 I've been liaising with some geezers at the met, 392 00:21:18,932 --> 00:21:21,333 Pooling our intelligence. 393 00:21:21,334 --> 00:21:24,769 Goodness, between you, you must have made an imbecile. 394 00:21:24,770 --> 00:21:26,838 Shut it, you slag! 395 00:21:28,874 --> 00:21:30,875 - Boyle, my son. - Guvnor. 396 00:21:30,876 --> 00:21:35,080 - Let's go, go, go, before things get pear-shaped. - Sorted. 397 00:21:36,416 --> 00:21:38,483 And, you lot, shut it! 398 00:21:40,153 --> 00:21:45,123 C.I.D., not so much out of the blue as out of their minds. 399 00:21:45,124 --> 00:21:48,193 Now, to business, and to Gasforth's big day. 400 00:21:48,194 --> 00:21:51,096 Now, as you can see, her majesty has seen to it 401 00:21:51,097 --> 00:21:54,599 That we are fully equipped for the worst-case scenario of riot control. 402 00:21:54,600 --> 00:21:56,801 If you could put your helmets on, everybody... 403 00:21:56,802 --> 00:21:59,604 I thought you'd never ask. 404 00:22:01,107 --> 00:22:03,108 Hey, Maggie, Maggie, Maggie, shall I? 405 00:22:03,109 --> 00:22:04,843 Quack, quack, quack, shall I do it? 406 00:22:04,844 --> 00:22:06,378 - No. No. - Maggie: No, not now. 407 00:22:07,947 --> 00:22:12,184 Now the ideal is not to employ force, but intimidation. 408 00:22:12,185 --> 00:22:15,720 We wish to subdue the hooligan before he becomes violent. 409 00:22:15,721 --> 00:22:19,291 We can achieve this by setting up a rhythmic beating on our shields, 410 00:22:19,292 --> 00:22:22,660 - ( taps ) - such as to strike terror into the hearts of the enemy, 411 00:22:22,661 --> 00:22:27,632 As once did the zulus- an adversary the british army truly appreciated. 412 00:22:27,633 --> 00:22:30,668 I'm not surprised. The zulus had rhythmic beating, 413 00:22:30,669 --> 00:22:32,437 The british had field artillery. 414 00:22:32,438 --> 00:22:34,806 I bet they appreciated it. 415 00:22:34,807 --> 00:22:38,143 All right, Habib. Just because something is morally inexcusable 416 00:22:38,144 --> 00:22:41,146 Does not stop it being a cherished part of the national fabric. 417 00:22:41,147 --> 00:22:43,281 Look at the walnut whip. 418 00:22:45,351 --> 00:22:46,751 Now, the rhythm I had in mind, 419 00:22:46,752 --> 00:22:49,654 Was ra-ta-ta, ra-ta-ta, ra-ta-tah. 420 00:22:49,655 --> 00:22:51,856 Ra-ta-ta, ra-ta-ta, ra-ta-tah. 421 00:22:51,857 --> 00:22:53,258 All right, try it. 422 00:22:53,259 --> 00:22:55,527 And ra-ta-ta, ra-ta-ta, ra-ta-tah. 423 00:22:55,528 --> 00:22:57,862 ( rapid tapping ) 424 00:22:57,863 --> 00:23:00,565 Goody, Goody. Can't you keep a simple rhythm? 425 00:23:00,566 --> 00:23:03,101 No, sir, I'm hopeless. 426 00:23:03,102 --> 00:23:05,504 I need a metronome to brush my teeth. 427 00:23:05,505 --> 00:23:08,340 Sir, sir. I think it will help 428 00:23:08,341 --> 00:23:10,242 If we put some words to the rhythm, sir. 429 00:23:10,243 --> 00:23:11,910 How about, um... 430 00:23:11,911 --> 00:23:14,712 Pat-a-cake, Pat-a-cake, baker's man. 431 00:23:14,713 --> 00:23:16,814 Pat-a-cake, Pat-a-cake, baker's man. 432 00:23:16,815 --> 00:23:18,550 Both: Pat-a-cake, Pat-a-cake- 433 00:23:18,551 --> 00:23:21,119 - Good idea. Goody, will that help? - I think so, sir. 434 00:23:21,120 --> 00:23:23,088 Right, okay. After me. 435 00:23:23,089 --> 00:23:26,491 And, Pat-a-cake, Pat-a-cake, baker's man. 436 00:23:26,492 --> 00:23:29,227 Good, excellent. All right, form up. Form up. 437 00:23:29,228 --> 00:23:32,797 Now, prepare to intimidate the enemy with rhythmic beating. 438 00:23:32,798 --> 00:23:35,500 And, Pat-a-cake, Pat-a-cake, baker's man. 439 00:23:35,501 --> 00:23:38,336 - Pat-a-cake, Pat-a-cake, baker's man. - Fowler: Turn! 440 00:23:38,337 --> 00:23:41,940 Pat-a-cake, Pat-a-cake, baker's man. Pat-a-cake, Pat-a-cake, baker's man. 441 00:23:43,109 --> 00:23:45,410 Halt! Excellent. Well done, everybody. 442 00:23:45,411 --> 00:23:48,280 That should scare the socks off them. 443 00:23:48,281 --> 00:23:50,982 After we've subdued them with Pat-a-cake, Pat-a-cake, 444 00:23:50,983 --> 00:23:53,651 We can give them a chorus of baa baa blacksheep. 445 00:23:53,652 --> 00:23:56,688 That will really make them fill their trousers. 446 00:23:56,689 --> 00:23:58,957 You think we ought to toughen up our chant? 447 00:23:58,958 --> 00:24:02,394 Either that or hire ourselves out for children's parties. 448 00:24:02,395 --> 00:24:05,130 How about, bugger off, bugger off, stupid prat? 449 00:24:05,131 --> 00:24:07,632 - Bugger off, bugger off, stupid prat? - No! 450 00:24:07,633 --> 00:24:11,536 I will not have my officers employing gutter language rhythmically in public. 451 00:24:11,537 --> 00:24:16,040 - Sorry. - What about go away, go away, naughty men? 452 00:24:16,041 --> 00:24:18,510 If the Zulu's had called Michael Caine a naughty man 453 00:24:18,511 --> 00:24:21,713 He would have laughed so hard he would have irrigated the veldt. 454 00:24:21,714 --> 00:24:24,483 Maybe we should change the rhythm a bit, sir. 455 00:24:24,484 --> 00:24:26,818 If you don't move along boom-boom, 456 00:24:26,819 --> 00:24:29,321 I'm gonna stick this baton, boom boom, 457 00:24:29,322 --> 00:24:31,289 Where the sun don't shine, boom boom. 458 00:24:31,290 --> 00:24:33,758 I've got one. I've got one. I've got one. 459 00:24:33,759 --> 00:24:37,496 What's the difference between you lot, 460 00:24:37,497 --> 00:24:40,665 And a bucket of sick? 461 00:24:40,666 --> 00:24:42,700 ( silent ) 462 00:24:42,701 --> 00:24:44,402 The bucket. 463 00:24:45,638 --> 00:24:47,639 No, we should be tougher. 464 00:24:47,640 --> 00:24:50,074 Come and have a go if you think you're hard enough. 465 00:24:50,075 --> 00:24:52,410 Come and have a go if you think you're hard enough. 466 00:24:52,411 --> 00:24:55,247 ( yelling, banging ) 467 00:24:57,116 --> 00:25:00,518 ( men whistling, yelling ) 468 00:25:04,023 --> 00:25:06,424 - You want me to get them off? - Men: Yeah! 469 00:25:06,425 --> 00:25:07,659 Right! 470 00:25:09,461 --> 00:25:11,296 You're all under arrest. 471 00:25:13,666 --> 00:25:16,835 It's all going pear-shaped, Boyle. 472 00:25:16,836 --> 00:25:18,970 Where are the naughty faces? 473 00:25:18,971 --> 00:25:22,573 The iffy, dodgy, nancy poncies? 474 00:25:22,574 --> 00:25:25,677 How can I face my muckers at scotters, 475 00:25:25,678 --> 00:25:29,647 When I've yet to bang even one slag in the slammer? 476 00:25:29,648 --> 00:25:32,417 Could I have done more? 477 00:25:32,418 --> 00:25:34,820 Could I have gone deeper undercover? 478 00:25:34,821 --> 00:25:36,621 No way, sir. 479 00:25:36,622 --> 00:25:39,057 You have taken your bobble hat off all week. 480 00:25:39,058 --> 00:25:41,860 And wool makes my forehead itch. 481 00:25:41,861 --> 00:25:44,963 Man: All right, lads. Tomorrow, 482 00:25:44,964 --> 00:25:47,132 Those Chelsea scum are dust. 483 00:25:47,133 --> 00:25:49,367 But we stick with the plan, all right? 484 00:25:51,003 --> 00:25:54,039 Sorted, my son. 485 00:25:59,011 --> 00:26:02,747 Habib: I'm sorry, madam, there are no grounds for police action. 486 00:26:02,748 --> 00:26:04,682 Goodbye. 487 00:26:05,784 --> 00:26:07,185 What was that, Habib? 488 00:26:07,186 --> 00:26:10,021 Just a cantankerous complainer from Colchester Crescent. 489 00:26:10,022 --> 00:26:12,123 Complains about something every day. 490 00:26:12,124 --> 00:26:15,126 Yesterday, it was the pelican crossing beeping. 491 00:26:15,127 --> 00:26:18,330 I think she wanted me to arrest the little green man. 492 00:26:18,331 --> 00:26:22,567 Tonight it's a party. Some lads celebrating Gasforth winning the F.A. Cup already. 493 00:26:22,568 --> 00:26:26,304 Great grumbling grommets, Habib. A party? 494 00:26:26,305 --> 00:26:28,806 Supposing the mayoress heard the row? 495 00:26:28,807 --> 00:26:31,910 Or an important trade delegation from southeast asia? 496 00:26:31,911 --> 00:26:33,912 Bring those naughty carousers in. 497 00:26:33,913 --> 00:26:35,847 But, sir, it's only 7:00 in the evening. 498 00:26:35,848 --> 00:26:39,017 It's 2:00 in the morning in Kuala Lumpur. 499 00:26:39,018 --> 00:26:42,187 Bring them in. Bring them in and lock them up. 500 00:26:42,188 --> 00:26:44,722 Lock them all up! Lock everyone up! 501 00:26:46,859 --> 00:26:48,860 ( sirens blaring ) 502 00:26:49,862 --> 00:26:51,396 ( tires screech ) 503 00:26:51,397 --> 00:26:55,733 ( crowd yelling, loud music ) 504 00:26:57,169 --> 00:26:59,070 ( whistle blows ) 505 00:26:59,071 --> 00:27:01,940 I forgot my truncheon. 506 00:27:01,941 --> 00:27:05,877 Gasforth offers cheap labor, long hours, 507 00:27:05,878 --> 00:27:10,282 No unions, no minimum wage, no job security, 508 00:27:10,283 --> 00:27:12,617 And a maximum 5-minute lunch break. 509 00:27:12,618 --> 00:27:16,721 That's a very attractive package for any foreign investor. 510 00:27:16,722 --> 00:27:19,590 Yes, yes. But when does the football begin? 511 00:27:20,927 --> 00:27:23,561 Uh, the kick-off is at 3:00, sir. 512 00:27:23,562 --> 00:27:25,730 That is the tradition in our country. 513 00:27:25,731 --> 00:27:29,100 I know when a bloody football match starts, constable plod. 514 00:27:29,101 --> 00:27:31,169 But it's 3:20 now. 515 00:27:31,170 --> 00:27:34,872 ( crowd singing ) 516 00:27:34,873 --> 00:27:38,944 Your worship, I'm afraid we're going to have to forfeit the game. 517 00:27:38,945 --> 00:27:40,812 What? 518 00:27:40,813 --> 00:27:42,613 None of our players have turned up. 519 00:27:42,614 --> 00:27:44,782 It's incomprehensible. 520 00:27:44,783 --> 00:27:46,784 They were all fine yesterday. 521 00:27:46,785 --> 00:27:48,786 Bazzer, Gazzer, and Bazzer 522 00:27:48,787 --> 00:27:50,455 Were at work on the building site 523 00:27:50,456 --> 00:27:53,458 Next to the bank, as usual. 524 00:27:53,459 --> 00:27:55,961 Bazzer, Bazzer, Gazzer, and Simon the captain 525 00:27:55,962 --> 00:27:58,529 Were having a strategy meeting at the pizza hole 526 00:27:58,530 --> 00:28:02,700 And Gazzer, Gazzer, and Gazzer were having a bit of a party 527 00:28:02,701 --> 00:28:04,936 And a sing-song round at Bazzer's house 528 00:28:04,937 --> 00:28:08,773 In Colchester Crescent. I simply cannot imagine what has happening to them. 529 00:28:08,774 --> 00:28:10,976 - Now listen- - no football? I'm going. 530 00:28:10,977 --> 00:28:13,244 No, no, please. Please, wait. 531 00:28:13,245 --> 00:28:15,180 We'll have a dual carriageway 532 00:28:15,181 --> 00:28:17,815 That runs all the way to the Sainsbury superstore. 533 00:28:17,816 --> 00:28:19,684 ( giggles ) 534 00:28:19,685 --> 00:28:23,154 When I find out who's responsible for the team not turning up- 535 00:28:23,155 --> 00:28:25,457 Raymond, I want you to- 536 00:28:26,592 --> 00:28:29,294 Mayoress: Raymond! 537 00:28:29,295 --> 00:28:31,596 Raymond! 538 00:28:33,332 --> 00:28:36,067 ( theme music playing ) 9999 00:00:0,500 --> 00:00:2,00 www.tvsubtitles.net