1 00:00:03,588 --> 00:00:05,656 Good evening, everybody. 2 00:00:05,657 --> 00:00:09,326 You know, sometimes police officers are called upon 3 00:00:09,327 --> 00:00:13,364 To restrain activities of which they personally approve. 4 00:00:13,365 --> 00:00:15,466 At such times, 5 00:00:15,467 --> 00:00:18,168 Stern duty must be our master. 6 00:00:18,169 --> 00:00:21,872 Because above all, the police must obey orders. 7 00:00:21,873 --> 00:00:25,242 Even if some orders, as we shall see, 8 00:00:25,243 --> 00:00:27,844 Are like the instructions for the timer 9 00:00:27,845 --> 00:00:30,281 Of an eight-day video recorder... 10 00:00:31,449 --> 00:00:34,885 Extremely difficult to follow. 11 00:00:34,886 --> 00:00:37,755 ( theme music playing ) 12 00:00:38,790 --> 00:00:40,591 ( door bangs ) 13 00:00:43,995 --> 00:00:45,663 ( sighs heavily ) 14 00:00:45,664 --> 00:00:47,398 Well, I'm off then. 15 00:00:50,201 --> 00:00:52,303 I said, I'm off then! 16 00:00:53,938 --> 00:00:55,773 I said... 17 00:00:57,776 --> 00:00:59,643 I'm off then. 18 00:00:59,644 --> 00:01:02,012 Patricia, you are demeaning 19 00:01:02,013 --> 00:01:04,348 The good name of Gasforth police force. 20 00:01:04,349 --> 00:01:07,451 I don't give a donkey's doo-dah for the Gasforth police force. 21 00:01:07,452 --> 00:01:09,119 You do give a donkey's doo-dah. 22 00:01:09,120 --> 00:01:12,222 I don't give a donkey's doo-dah, and I'm going! 23 00:01:12,223 --> 00:01:14,925 Patricia, I forbid you to go. 24 00:01:14,926 --> 00:01:17,461 Please, Raymond, don't forbid me. 25 00:01:17,462 --> 00:01:19,863 I'm a bit late and I just haven't got time 26 00:01:19,864 --> 00:01:22,933 To roll around on the floor laughing till I'm physically sick. 27 00:01:22,934 --> 00:01:25,436 - But you are a policewoman. - No, I'm not. 28 00:01:25,437 --> 00:01:28,472 I'm an anarchist. For the next two weeks, 29 00:01:28,473 --> 00:01:31,475 I am a crazy, wild-eyed child of the forest. 30 00:01:31,476 --> 00:01:33,910 I am dedicating my life- 31 00:01:33,911 --> 00:01:36,246 Your holiday. 32 00:01:36,247 --> 00:01:40,651 My holiday to the traveling road protesters 33 00:01:40,652 --> 00:01:42,052 Known as the dongas. 34 00:01:42,053 --> 00:01:44,955 And my name is not Patricia, 35 00:01:44,956 --> 00:01:47,157 It's Squirrel. 36 00:01:48,626 --> 00:01:52,696 - Squirrel Baggins. - Heavens and horlicks, Patricia. 37 00:01:52,697 --> 00:01:54,665 Gasforth needs a bypass. 38 00:01:54,666 --> 00:01:57,668 And you won't stop it by frolicking about in the woods 39 00:01:57,669 --> 00:01:59,970 Calling yourself troll or gonk 40 00:01:59,971 --> 00:02:03,206 Or nutkin the sweet little tree-dwelling imp. 41 00:02:04,442 --> 00:02:07,611 We do not inherit the earth from our parents, 42 00:02:07,612 --> 00:02:10,080 We borrow it from our children. 43 00:02:10,081 --> 00:02:12,649 We don't have any children. 44 00:02:12,650 --> 00:02:14,951 Yes, I'm aware of that. 45 00:02:14,952 --> 00:02:18,054 But the fact that you are a one-bonk-a-year man 46 00:02:18,055 --> 00:02:21,392 Does not relieve me of my responsibility 47 00:02:21,393 --> 00:02:24,261 To preserve the environment for future generations. 48 00:02:34,806 --> 00:02:37,107 Well done. 49 00:02:37,108 --> 00:02:39,175 Carry on, carry on. 50 00:02:39,176 --> 00:02:41,344 Now as I'm sure you're all aware, 51 00:02:41,345 --> 00:02:44,515 The whole town is agog with talk of this new bypass. 52 00:02:45,517 --> 00:02:47,984 From road rage to road protest, 53 00:02:47,985 --> 00:02:51,622 Anything to do with cars seems to provoke people's passions 54 00:02:51,623 --> 00:02:54,024 In a quite extraordinary manner. 55 00:02:54,025 --> 00:02:57,193 I'll find him, I swear I'll find him. 56 00:02:57,194 --> 00:03:00,798 I've seen some criminal swine in my years as a copper, 57 00:03:00,799 --> 00:03:05,302 I have witnessed some vile and horrendous deeds, 58 00:03:05,303 --> 00:03:09,205 But this- this has left me sad and sickened. 59 00:03:09,206 --> 00:03:11,442 Good heavens, Grim, what on earth happened? 60 00:03:11,443 --> 00:03:16,647 Some maniac has dinged my car. 61 00:03:16,648 --> 00:03:19,650 Not the Nissan micra with the go-faster kleenexes on the back shelf? 62 00:03:19,651 --> 00:03:22,319 Yes, yes! 63 00:03:22,320 --> 00:03:24,955 I think he scratched the paint. 64 00:03:24,956 --> 00:03:28,358 I can't tell till I get a magnifying glass out and have a proper look. 65 00:03:29,828 --> 00:03:32,629 But we were both pulling up at the lights, 66 00:03:32,630 --> 00:03:35,799 And the vile, despicable criminal 67 00:03:35,800 --> 00:03:38,034 Scraped along my side. 68 00:03:38,035 --> 00:03:40,136 Perhaps you were in his lane. 69 00:03:41,272 --> 00:03:43,239 Perhaps you scraped him. 70 00:03:45,810 --> 00:03:47,811 What did you say? 71 00:03:47,812 --> 00:03:50,046 Well, I was just- 72 00:03:50,047 --> 00:03:54,050 I am a superb driver. 73 00:03:54,051 --> 00:03:55,886 Did you get his number? 74 00:03:55,887 --> 00:03:58,922 How could I? I was retuning the radio when it happened. 75 00:04:00,625 --> 00:04:02,125 I'll tell you though, 76 00:04:02,126 --> 00:04:04,327 If I hadn't had a cup of coffee in the other hand, 77 00:04:04,328 --> 00:04:06,597 I'd have given chase. 78 00:04:06,598 --> 00:04:08,732 There's security cameras all over town, 79 00:04:08,733 --> 00:04:12,068 - Perhaps your dinger's been caught on video. - Well done, Boyle! 80 00:04:12,069 --> 00:04:15,238 Requisition all tapes countywide. 81 00:04:15,239 --> 00:04:17,340 So as I was saying, 82 00:04:17,341 --> 00:04:20,944 Roads and cars are areas where passions run deep. 83 00:04:20,945 --> 00:04:23,313 And there can be no deeper passions 84 00:04:23,314 --> 00:04:26,282 Than amongst the environmentalists of the donga tribe. 85 00:04:26,283 --> 00:04:29,452 Sergeant Dawkins has joined them for her holiday, hasn't she? 86 00:04:29,453 --> 00:04:30,954 I think it's great. 87 00:04:30,955 --> 00:04:33,891 Yes, me too. 88 00:04:33,892 --> 00:04:36,326 I wonder if she's had her nipples pierced yet? 89 00:04:37,595 --> 00:04:39,530 Be quiet, Goody! 90 00:04:41,399 --> 00:04:43,233 It's not compulsory, is it? 91 00:04:44,368 --> 00:04:46,436 - Oh no, no. - Okay. 92 00:04:46,437 --> 00:04:49,406 It's just when they're cavorting naked in a haze of marijuana, 93 00:04:49,407 --> 00:04:51,575 It gives them somewhere to hang their keys. 94 00:04:54,045 --> 00:04:55,846 Yes, well... 95 00:04:55,847 --> 00:04:57,948 Nipples aside- 96 00:04:57,949 --> 00:05:00,584 I mean, nip and- I nip- ( stammering ) 97 00:05:02,754 --> 00:05:04,354 I don't know what I mean, actually. 98 00:05:04,355 --> 00:05:05,889 Where were we? 99 00:05:05,890 --> 00:05:08,491 Preparing to police the destruction of the planet, sir. 100 00:05:08,492 --> 00:05:10,928 Ah yes- really, constable! 101 00:05:10,929 --> 00:05:13,030 I do tire of this leftist hectoring. 102 00:05:13,031 --> 00:05:15,933 Have you read the police code of common purpose recently? 103 00:05:15,934 --> 00:05:18,835 Of course, sir. Every day, can't put it down. 104 00:05:18,836 --> 00:05:22,639 Then you'll be aware that it says that our job is to enforce the law, 105 00:05:22,640 --> 00:05:26,043 Not to enforce the law if we happen to think it's a nice one. 106 00:05:27,712 --> 00:05:30,647 These environmentalists may have admirable intentions, 107 00:05:30,648 --> 00:05:32,950 But being decent and fair and honest 108 00:05:32,951 --> 00:05:36,319 Doesn't necessarily make a person right, Habib. 109 00:05:36,320 --> 00:05:39,056 If it did, Rolf Harris would be prime minister. 110 00:05:41,225 --> 00:05:44,594 Now, in order to prepare ourselves for the tactics of these dongas, 111 00:05:44,595 --> 00:05:47,998 I intend to employ a role-playing technique. 112 00:05:47,999 --> 00:05:51,301 We will create a scenario and act out the parts. 113 00:05:51,302 --> 00:05:54,204 ( gasps ) acting, how exciting! 114 00:05:55,506 --> 00:05:57,841 Does that mean I can call you "darling"? 115 00:06:00,345 --> 00:06:02,846 Only if you wish to spend the rest of your career 116 00:06:02,847 --> 00:06:06,116 Putting out traffic cones on the M25, laddie. 117 00:06:06,117 --> 00:06:08,952 Now then, since you seem so eager to act, Goody, 118 00:06:08,953 --> 00:06:12,289 We are going to role-play a protestor tied to a tree. 119 00:06:12,290 --> 00:06:14,324 Goody, you take that part. 120 00:06:14,325 --> 00:06:17,995 Thank you, sir. I am brilliant at acting. 121 00:06:22,267 --> 00:06:25,702 - What are you doing, Goody? - I'm doing what you told me, I'm being the tree. 122 00:06:25,703 --> 00:06:28,571 I meant be the protestor. 123 00:06:28,572 --> 00:06:30,941 Besides which, you don't look a bit like a tree. 124 00:06:30,942 --> 00:06:32,842 I thought you said you could act. 125 00:06:32,843 --> 00:06:35,745 You look like a plank. 126 00:06:35,746 --> 00:06:38,415 Where's your willowy bendiness? 127 00:06:38,416 --> 00:06:41,318 I want to be able to picture your gnarled old trunk. 128 00:06:41,319 --> 00:06:44,121 I beg your pardon, sir! 129 00:06:44,122 --> 00:06:46,556 I can do an impression of a plum tree, sir, 130 00:06:46,557 --> 00:06:49,393 But it means taking my trousers off. 131 00:06:49,394 --> 00:06:51,428 No, Gladstone. 132 00:06:51,429 --> 00:06:53,230 No, Gladstone, thank you. 133 00:06:53,231 --> 00:06:55,832 I will be the tree. I will be the tree. 134 00:06:55,833 --> 00:06:59,903 Now, I've just got to get my focus, 135 00:06:59,904 --> 00:07:01,604 And... 136 00:07:05,609 --> 00:07:07,877 Are you doing it now, sir? 137 00:07:07,878 --> 00:07:11,081 - Yes, of course I'm doing it now, Habib. - You look like a moose. 138 00:07:11,082 --> 00:07:14,084 Well, I feel like a tree. 139 00:07:14,085 --> 00:07:16,987 - Well, it's very interesting, sir. - Thank you, Habib. 140 00:07:16,988 --> 00:07:19,756 A talking tree, you don't get many of them. 141 00:07:19,757 --> 00:07:23,793 Cleverness is unattractive in a police officer, Habib. 142 00:07:23,794 --> 00:07:25,595 I've got an idea, sir. 143 00:07:25,596 --> 00:07:28,265 Why don't you hold my apple? 144 00:07:28,266 --> 00:07:30,267 My mom gives me one every day 145 00:07:30,268 --> 00:07:32,535 But I never eat it because I prefer sweets. 146 00:07:32,536 --> 00:07:34,972 Thank you. If you think it'll work. 147 00:07:34,973 --> 00:07:38,041 How about stuffing my pot plant 148 00:07:38,042 --> 00:07:40,277 In your jacket, sir? 149 00:07:40,278 --> 00:07:43,113 Ah, good. Give you a bit of foliage. 150 00:07:43,114 --> 00:07:45,482 Yes, perhaps. Thank you, Gladstone. 151 00:07:45,483 --> 00:07:48,618 I was accrington brownies' origami champion, sir. 152 00:07:48,619 --> 00:07:51,021 Look, a swallow! 153 00:07:51,022 --> 00:07:53,290 Ah, good. Excellent, excellent. 154 00:07:53,291 --> 00:07:57,294 There you go, tweet, tweet. 155 00:07:57,295 --> 00:08:00,763 Role-playing is the key to modern training and props are important. 156 00:08:00,764 --> 00:08:03,367 So, I am now a totally convincing tree. 157 00:08:03,368 --> 00:08:06,603 Totally, sir. If I was a dog, I'd lift my leg. 158 00:08:06,604 --> 00:08:09,106 Yes, thank you, Habib. Thank you. 159 00:08:09,107 --> 00:08:12,242 Now, Goody, you be an angry protestor. 160 00:08:12,243 --> 00:08:16,679 I won't! I don't want to. I hate you, I hate you! 161 00:08:16,680 --> 00:08:20,017 Goody, I didn't mean protest about just anything. 162 00:08:20,018 --> 00:08:22,252 - Oh, okay. - Now, get hold of that rope 163 00:08:22,253 --> 00:08:24,488 And pretend to tie yourself to me. 164 00:08:24,489 --> 00:08:27,257 And remember you are an environmental protestor. 165 00:08:27,258 --> 00:08:28,958 - Yes, yes. - Come on. 166 00:08:31,262 --> 00:08:33,930 My womb is the earth... 167 00:08:35,166 --> 00:08:37,800 My breast milk its rivers. 168 00:08:37,801 --> 00:08:41,338 I am the she-goddess lesbos! 169 00:08:41,339 --> 00:08:44,607 Goody, what in satan's sausage sandwich are you saying? 170 00:08:44,608 --> 00:08:47,677 I am being a protestor, sir. 171 00:08:47,678 --> 00:08:50,847 When I was a cadet, we policed a no-nuke demo 172 00:08:50,848 --> 00:08:53,716 And a gang of women sang that at us for 15 hours. 173 00:08:53,717 --> 00:08:55,952 We're not gonna sing it here. Get back to your desk. 174 00:08:55,953 --> 00:08:59,156 Shall I pretend to untie the pretend knot I just pretended to tie? 175 00:08:59,157 --> 00:09:02,092 - Just go. - I was just trying to make it more real. 176 00:09:03,994 --> 00:09:07,264 - My arms are aching. - Idea, sir- pretend it's autumn, drop the apple. 177 00:09:09,800 --> 00:09:13,736 For heaven's sake, we are about to police a serious public disorder. 178 00:09:13,737 --> 00:09:18,175 I have created a brilliant evocation of a mighty and towering oak tree- 179 00:09:18,176 --> 00:09:20,977 - Apple tree. - A mighty and towering apple tree- 180 00:09:20,978 --> 00:09:24,481 - With one apple. - I've had a heavy windfall. 181 00:09:25,483 --> 00:09:27,016 I'm sorry, sir. 182 00:09:27,017 --> 00:09:28,952 It's just more common for the protestors 183 00:09:28,953 --> 00:09:30,954 To remain up the tree in their dwellings. 184 00:09:30,955 --> 00:09:33,390 Really, Kevin should be nestling in your foliage. 185 00:09:34,925 --> 00:09:37,227 Perhaps if he was to sit on your shoulders, 186 00:09:37,228 --> 00:09:39,362 Then Frank and I can try and get him down. 187 00:09:39,363 --> 00:09:41,764 Hmmm, yes, you may be right there, Habib. 188 00:09:41,765 --> 00:09:44,734 Certainly worth a try. Constable Goody, get up on my desk please. 189 00:09:44,735 --> 00:09:47,604 - Yes, yes. - Feet apart, come on. 190 00:09:47,605 --> 00:09:50,240 Yes, can't constable Habib do this? 191 00:09:50,241 --> 00:09:52,709 I'm not sticking my head in there, Kevin. 192 00:09:52,710 --> 00:09:56,113 - No, you get your leg over inspector Fowler. - Goody! 193 00:09:56,114 --> 00:09:59,483 Constable Habib is a woman of the opposite sex. 194 00:09:59,484 --> 00:10:03,052 If I'm going to get between anybody's legs, it's going to be a man's. 195 00:10:04,489 --> 00:10:07,124 Come on, boy. Spread your haunches. 196 00:10:07,125 --> 00:10:10,393 Okay. Don't bend my Curly Wurly, please. 197 00:10:12,230 --> 00:10:13,930 - Oh, oh, oh! - Good. 198 00:10:13,931 --> 00:10:16,666 - Mind out for my love blobs. - Oh, be quiet, Goody! 199 00:10:16,667 --> 00:10:19,569 Be quiet. Now, Goody is the protestor, 200 00:10:19,570 --> 00:10:21,571 I am the tree, 201 00:10:21,572 --> 00:10:25,275 Habib and Gladstone, how are you, the police, going to get him down? 202 00:10:25,276 --> 00:10:27,544 I'll come down, I'll come down! 203 00:10:27,545 --> 00:10:30,280 When our next door neighbor cat gets stranded in a tree, 204 00:10:30,281 --> 00:10:33,450 The old man always put a saucer of milk at the bottom 205 00:10:33,451 --> 00:10:35,352 To tempt it down. 206 00:10:35,353 --> 00:10:37,854 I see. And you think the same technique might work 207 00:10:37,855 --> 00:10:40,089 With committed environmental activists? 208 00:10:40,090 --> 00:10:42,559 Well, maybe if we add some biscuits? 209 00:10:42,560 --> 00:10:45,128 - I could make some fudge. - You're going quite bald- 210 00:10:45,129 --> 00:10:47,330 Really, this is quite absurd! None of you are able 211 00:10:47,331 --> 00:10:50,300 To respond at all to the simplest of role-playing techniques. 212 00:10:50,301 --> 00:10:52,402 I'm going to put you back on your desk, Goody. 213 00:10:52,403 --> 00:10:53,970 Okay, mind my gonks. 214 00:10:53,971 --> 00:10:55,772 I can't keep you up all day. 215 00:10:55,773 --> 00:10:58,908 Actually, you know the feeling of someone's ears on your inner thighs 216 00:10:58,909 --> 00:11:00,410 Isn't entirely unpleasant. 217 00:11:03,347 --> 00:11:05,081 So that's the trick then, is it, sir? 218 00:11:05,082 --> 00:11:07,116 Just wait around till the tree gets tired? 219 00:11:07,117 --> 00:11:09,886 Smarty pants gets no thanks, Habib. 220 00:11:09,887 --> 00:11:13,089 Clever clogs get scragged in the bogs. 221 00:11:14,492 --> 00:11:15,692 We learnt in training 222 00:11:15,693 --> 00:11:18,295 That the only way to get these tree-dwellers down 223 00:11:18,296 --> 00:11:19,829 Is to attach a locked line to them 224 00:11:19,830 --> 00:11:21,431 And gently tease them down. 225 00:11:21,432 --> 00:11:24,467 Right. In that case, I will be the tree-dweller this time. 226 00:11:24,468 --> 00:11:26,669 Gladstone, will you kindly be a tree? 227 00:11:26,670 --> 00:11:29,472 - Oh yes, sir. - Not your plum tree! 228 00:11:29,473 --> 00:11:33,043 Not your plum tree! Just come here and hoist me up. 229 00:11:33,044 --> 00:11:35,078 - Oh, okay, sir. - Come along, come along. 230 00:11:35,079 --> 00:11:37,847 Now, somebody get hold of one end of the rope. 231 00:11:37,848 --> 00:11:41,217 Hand it up to me. Thank you. Goody, you get hold of the other end. 232 00:11:41,218 --> 00:11:44,020 - Yes, yes. - Now, pull it, 233 00:11:44,021 --> 00:11:46,622 And gently tease me. 234 00:11:49,993 --> 00:11:52,828 - Excuse me? - I can't stay up here all day, laddie! 235 00:11:52,829 --> 00:11:56,232 I've got a large constable between my legs. Tease me, tease me! 236 00:11:56,233 --> 00:11:58,234 All right, okay. Umm... 237 00:11:58,235 --> 00:12:01,438 Okay, what's the difference between inspector Fowler 238 00:12:01,439 --> 00:12:03,506 - And the canteen cabbage? - What? 239 00:12:03,507 --> 00:12:05,508 The cabbage once had a bit of life in it. 240 00:12:05,509 --> 00:12:08,378 ( laughing ) 241 00:12:08,379 --> 00:12:10,813 I'm afraid I can't take credit for that one, sir. 242 00:12:10,814 --> 00:12:13,149 - It was constable Habib's. - Thanks a lot, Kevin! 243 00:12:13,150 --> 00:12:15,151 - Goody! - Here's one Gary Boyle made up. 244 00:12:15,152 --> 00:12:17,253 - No, I didn't. - What's the difference 245 00:12:17,254 --> 00:12:19,522 Between the manager of Barclays having a fight 246 00:12:19,523 --> 00:12:21,724 And inspector Fowler having a conversation? 247 00:12:21,725 --> 00:12:24,060 One's a warring banker, 248 00:12:24,061 --> 00:12:26,362 - The other one's a boring- - right, let me down! 249 00:12:26,363 --> 00:12:28,298 - Let me down! - ( cackling ) 250 00:12:28,299 --> 00:12:30,066 It worked, he's coming down! 251 00:12:31,735 --> 00:12:34,670 Goody, I meant tease as in "pull the rope"! 252 00:12:34,671 --> 00:12:38,074 Not tease as in "run a very serious risk of being charged." 253 00:12:38,075 --> 00:12:41,744 Honestly, I've done my best for you lot. 254 00:12:41,745 --> 00:12:45,014 You began this briefing totally and utterly unprepared, 255 00:12:45,015 --> 00:12:46,649 And you complete it 256 00:12:46,650 --> 00:12:48,818 Slightly less prepared than that. 257 00:12:49,820 --> 00:12:51,554 Dismissed. 258 00:12:51,555 --> 00:12:54,457 Tools of the road lobby, that's what we are. 259 00:12:54,458 --> 00:12:57,093 Don't be so soft. We need this bypass. 260 00:12:57,094 --> 00:13:00,029 Blimey, if I weren't a copper and allowed to park on the pavement 261 00:13:00,030 --> 00:13:03,233 And drive up one-way streets, I don't think I'd bother owning a car. 262 00:13:03,234 --> 00:13:05,235 The way to reduce traffic 263 00:13:05,236 --> 00:13:07,103 Is to get people to share their cars. 264 00:13:07,104 --> 00:13:09,539 I'm not sharing my car with anyone, 265 00:13:09,540 --> 00:13:12,074 Especially veggie environmentalists. 266 00:13:12,075 --> 00:13:14,210 I don't want some bean-eating greenie 267 00:13:14,211 --> 00:13:16,078 Blowing off into my leatherette. 268 00:13:22,653 --> 00:13:25,021 What are you lurking about for, Kevin? 269 00:13:25,022 --> 00:13:27,490 - Oh, nothing. - Well, get on the bus then. 270 00:13:27,491 --> 00:13:29,425 Well, actually, 271 00:13:29,426 --> 00:13:32,895 I've got something under my jacket that I'd quite like to show you. 272 00:13:32,896 --> 00:13:35,632 But I think I'll wait until the swelling goes down. 273 00:13:35,633 --> 00:13:39,469 - I should speak to your mother! - God no! Don't, she'd kill me! 274 00:13:39,470 --> 00:13:41,937 You see, the thing is... 275 00:13:41,938 --> 00:13:44,106 I've got a new belly button. 276 00:13:44,107 --> 00:13:47,310 - A new belly button? - As good as. 277 00:13:48,312 --> 00:13:50,413 I've had it pierced. 278 00:13:51,915 --> 00:13:53,883 - No! - Yes! 279 00:13:53,884 --> 00:13:56,852 I was very influenced by these road protestors. 280 00:13:56,853 --> 00:13:59,722 See, no more mr. nice guy, no, no. 281 00:13:59,723 --> 00:14:02,858 I'm young, I'm virile, 282 00:14:02,859 --> 00:14:06,296 And I've got a bright red swollen belly button to prove it. 283 00:14:06,297 --> 00:14:08,464 - Didn't it hurt? - Well, yes, 284 00:14:08,465 --> 00:14:11,734 I did feel a bit of a prick. 285 00:14:11,735 --> 00:14:15,505 But it will be worth it if you're so impressed with it 286 00:14:15,506 --> 00:14:17,607 That you drag me back to your place 287 00:14:17,608 --> 00:14:20,810 And you give me a right flipping seeing to. 288 00:14:20,811 --> 00:14:24,214 Kevin, you could staple your belly button to a double-decker bus 289 00:14:24,215 --> 00:14:26,416 And I still wouldn't give you a seeing to. 290 00:14:26,417 --> 00:14:28,384 So you'll think about it then? 291 00:14:28,385 --> 00:14:30,152 Look, Kevin, 292 00:14:30,153 --> 00:14:32,455 You really should forget about me. 293 00:14:32,456 --> 00:14:34,824 There's lots of nice girls out there, you know? 294 00:14:34,825 --> 00:14:37,193 Good-looking bloke like you, 295 00:14:37,194 --> 00:14:39,662 Swollen belly button, 296 00:14:39,663 --> 00:14:42,098 You could take your pick. 297 00:14:45,469 --> 00:14:48,738 Get out there, lean on people, 298 00:14:48,739 --> 00:14:52,041 Call in favors, bend the rules if necessary. 299 00:14:52,042 --> 00:14:54,276 And watch yourselves. 300 00:14:54,277 --> 00:14:56,879 What we had hoped was a simple ding 301 00:14:56,880 --> 00:14:59,281 Has now been confirmed as a scratch. 302 00:15:00,718 --> 00:15:03,252 We are dealing with a scratcher. 303 00:15:03,253 --> 00:15:07,890 A vicious, immoral, imbalanced maniac. 304 00:15:07,891 --> 00:15:09,826 Inspector Grim, can I have a word, please? 305 00:15:09,827 --> 00:15:12,261 - Be quick, don't fanny about. - Of course. 306 00:15:12,262 --> 00:15:15,297 I have no time for fannying, about or otherwise. 307 00:15:15,298 --> 00:15:18,968 Fanny about on someone else's time, not mine, 'cause I haven't got any. 308 00:15:18,969 --> 00:15:23,572 Find someone who's got time to fanny about, and fanny about with them. 309 00:15:23,573 --> 00:15:27,010 I haven't, mate, so fannying about with me is out. 310 00:15:27,011 --> 00:15:31,180 Look, Derek, you're clearly late for your lobotomy. I'll come back later. 311 00:15:31,181 --> 00:15:34,984 Very funny, Raymond, tres drolly. 312 00:15:34,985 --> 00:15:37,654 Listen, I've had a letter from the chief constable 313 00:15:37,655 --> 00:15:41,124 Warning us of an MI5 undercover operation in this area. 314 00:15:41,125 --> 00:15:44,326 Apparently they're infiltrating these road protestors. 315 00:15:44,327 --> 00:15:48,497 Hardly James Bond is it? From dinner jackets and kalashnikovs, 316 00:15:48,498 --> 00:15:52,434 To anoraks and jam jars full of cold urine. 317 00:15:52,435 --> 00:15:55,304 I haven't got time, Raymond. 318 00:15:55,305 --> 00:15:58,607 I am involved in serious police work. 319 00:15:58,608 --> 00:16:01,610 If you get in the way, I'm responsible. 320 00:16:01,611 --> 00:16:05,314 Your cock up, my ass. 321 00:16:07,084 --> 00:16:10,219 Oh, I'm sorry, Grim, I thought you might be interested 322 00:16:10,220 --> 00:16:13,656 In the fact that parliament is allowing the authority of the police 323 00:16:13,657 --> 00:16:17,426 To be usurped by secret and unaccountable organizations. 324 00:16:17,427 --> 00:16:20,763 You're not listening to me, Fowler. 325 00:16:20,764 --> 00:16:25,401 Let me spell it out. Someone has dinged my motor! 326 00:16:25,402 --> 00:16:28,671 Inspector Grim, kindly keep your personal emotions under control. 327 00:16:28,672 --> 00:16:32,341 "my personal emotions"? Oh my. 328 00:16:32,342 --> 00:16:35,044 I'm not the one whose bird would rather spend the night 329 00:16:35,045 --> 00:16:37,580 With a bunch of flea-bitten criminal hippies 330 00:16:37,581 --> 00:16:39,348 Than sleep with her bloke. 331 00:16:39,349 --> 00:16:42,384 If you're referring to sergeant Dawkins, 332 00:16:42,385 --> 00:16:44,486 She is not sleeping with me 333 00:16:44,487 --> 00:16:47,423 In order to preserve the planet! 334 00:16:47,424 --> 00:16:49,025 Blimey! 335 00:16:49,026 --> 00:16:50,993 She must be desperate 336 00:16:50,994 --> 00:16:54,330 To come up with an excuse like that. 337 00:16:54,331 --> 00:16:56,766 My Tina just says she's got a headache. 338 00:16:59,169 --> 00:17:01,871 Man: Come here! Come here, you! 339 00:17:01,872 --> 00:17:05,108 - All going well, inspector? - I don't know, I haven't found her yet. 340 00:17:05,109 --> 00:17:08,044 Woman: ¶ you can't kill the spirit ¶ 341 00:17:08,045 --> 00:17:10,679 ¶ she goes on and on and on ¶ 342 00:17:10,680 --> 00:17:13,082 ¶ you can't kill the spirit- ¶ 343 00:17:13,083 --> 00:17:15,284 All right, miss, move along now, move along. 344 00:17:15,285 --> 00:17:17,987 How can I move along, pig? 345 00:17:17,988 --> 00:17:20,156 Yes, of course, 346 00:17:20,157 --> 00:17:22,759 Hello, mr. Thickie. 347 00:17:23,994 --> 00:17:27,830 Unhand this tree, you eco-nazis! 348 00:17:27,831 --> 00:17:31,367 Excuse me. Stop, stop! I'll handle this. 349 00:17:31,368 --> 00:17:33,903 My name's Elf. 350 00:17:33,904 --> 00:17:37,273 Elf, it's a beautiful name. 351 00:17:37,274 --> 00:17:39,441 My name's Kevin. 352 00:17:39,442 --> 00:17:42,478 Patricia, come down this instant. 353 00:17:42,479 --> 00:17:45,047 I will not. The earth needs me. 354 00:17:46,283 --> 00:17:48,384 Why are you doing this, Kevin? 355 00:17:48,385 --> 00:17:51,420 Did you join the police to fight for justice 356 00:17:51,421 --> 00:17:53,890 Or to strut about in a nice uniform? 357 00:17:53,891 --> 00:17:55,758 It was a bit of both really. 358 00:17:55,759 --> 00:17:58,828 Then join us, Kevin, chain yourself to me. 359 00:17:58,829 --> 00:18:01,931 Help me protect our children. 360 00:18:01,932 --> 00:18:04,801 You're making an absolute fool of yourself, Patricia. 361 00:18:04,802 --> 00:18:07,003 My name is Squirrel Baggins. 362 00:18:07,004 --> 00:18:11,107 Giving an alias to the police is an extremely serious matter. 363 00:18:11,108 --> 00:18:14,177 It is not a criminal offense to take an assumed name. 364 00:18:14,178 --> 00:18:16,913 It is if it's Squirrel Baggins. 365 00:18:18,081 --> 00:18:21,284 ¶ you can't kill the spirit ¶ 366 00:18:21,285 --> 00:18:23,752 ¶ she's like a mountain... ¶ 367 00:18:25,655 --> 00:18:27,123 Now... 368 00:18:27,124 --> 00:18:29,225 I'm going to attach this rope to you- 369 00:18:29,226 --> 00:18:31,828 Get back, get back, you fascist! 370 00:18:31,829 --> 00:18:34,030 - Ow! - Patricia, are you all right? 371 00:18:34,031 --> 00:18:37,266 Police brutality! Police brutality! 372 00:18:37,267 --> 00:18:39,001 Man: Hey! 373 00:18:40,704 --> 00:18:42,471 Stand back, pig! 374 00:18:42,472 --> 00:18:45,141 Aren't there any burglars and muggers out there? 375 00:18:45,142 --> 00:18:47,509 Or does the public pay you to defend it from 376 00:18:47,510 --> 00:18:50,746 Beautiful, wounded woodland nymphs? 377 00:18:50,747 --> 00:18:51,948 Gosh. 378 00:18:54,952 --> 00:18:55,985 ( grunts ) 379 00:18:57,420 --> 00:18:59,421 - Ha! - Whoa! 380 00:19:02,559 --> 00:19:05,061 Let me down! Let me down at once! 381 00:19:05,062 --> 00:19:07,830 If you don't, you will leave me no choice but to arrest you. 382 00:19:09,432 --> 00:19:11,600 Right, that's it. You are under arrest. 383 00:19:11,601 --> 00:19:13,135 Come along with me. 384 00:19:16,406 --> 00:19:18,841 ¶ she goes on and on and on and- ¶ 385 00:19:18,842 --> 00:19:20,709 Kevin! 386 00:19:20,710 --> 00:19:23,913 - What do you think you're doing? - My name's not Kevin. 387 00:19:23,914 --> 00:19:25,781 It's Pixie. 388 00:19:25,782 --> 00:19:27,850 And I'm protecting the planet. 389 00:19:28,886 --> 00:19:30,753 And I think I might be on here. 390 00:19:31,922 --> 00:19:34,290 Dereliction of duty is an offense, Pixie, 391 00:19:34,291 --> 00:19:36,893 Even in the magic forest. 392 00:19:36,894 --> 00:19:41,264 I thought you lot were supposed to be against the exploitation of dumb creatures. 393 00:19:41,265 --> 00:19:42,865 Mmm, yes, you. 394 00:19:44,001 --> 00:19:46,302 I don't even know your name. 395 00:19:46,303 --> 00:19:49,305 That's right, Patricia, get the swine's name. Well done. 396 00:19:49,306 --> 00:19:53,109 What are names? I'm known by my deeds. 397 00:19:53,110 --> 00:19:55,044 I'm the green avenger, 398 00:19:55,045 --> 00:19:57,714 The one the bypass builders fear most. 399 00:19:57,715 --> 00:20:00,483 They'll have to build a bypass just to get round his head. 400 00:20:00,484 --> 00:20:03,352 Most people call me... 401 00:20:03,353 --> 00:20:05,688 Stallion. 402 00:20:05,689 --> 00:20:08,157 My name is Squirrel Baggins. 403 00:20:08,158 --> 00:20:10,593 - Squirrel? - Yes, Stallion? 404 00:20:10,594 --> 00:20:13,663 I came here to protect things of great beauty, 405 00:20:13,664 --> 00:20:17,333 But I never dreamed I would end up protecting something as... 406 00:20:17,334 --> 00:20:21,070 - Beautiful as you. - Oh, please! 407 00:20:21,071 --> 00:20:24,007 I have a woodland hideaway perfect for a squirrel. 408 00:20:24,008 --> 00:20:26,542 You can rest and perhaps nibble on my nuts. 409 00:20:26,543 --> 00:20:28,811 ( gasps ) 410 00:20:28,812 --> 00:20:29,912 ( grunts ) 411 00:20:32,116 --> 00:20:34,283 - ( Stallion grunts ) - ( Patricia squeals ) 412 00:20:34,284 --> 00:20:37,120 Ours is not to reason why, Habib, 413 00:20:37,121 --> 00:20:40,890 Ours is but to do and, um... 414 00:20:40,891 --> 00:20:43,059 Get suspended from a tree by the dongas? 415 00:20:45,029 --> 00:20:48,230 Well, you've all done very well today 416 00:20:48,231 --> 00:20:51,067 And acted with great restraint. 417 00:20:51,068 --> 00:20:52,769 What we must remember 418 00:20:52,770 --> 00:20:55,404 Is that these people are deeply frustrated. 419 00:20:55,405 --> 00:20:57,073 Yes, I know how they feel. 420 00:20:58,408 --> 00:21:00,643 Some crusty called me a fascist. 421 00:21:00,644 --> 00:21:02,779 Me! I said, "listen mate, 422 00:21:02,780 --> 00:21:05,682 I've had skinheads shove dog doo through my letterbox." 423 00:21:05,683 --> 00:21:07,550 Well said, constable. 424 00:21:07,551 --> 00:21:09,952 And did he slink away suitably cowed? 425 00:21:09,953 --> 00:21:12,454 No. He said he hadn't called me a racist, 426 00:21:12,455 --> 00:21:14,090 He'd called me a fascist, 427 00:21:14,091 --> 00:21:17,359 Which is an authoritarian opposed to democracy and liberalism. 428 00:21:17,360 --> 00:21:18,895 Ah, and what did you say to that? 429 00:21:18,896 --> 00:21:21,263 Well, I was a bit stumped, quite frankly. 430 00:21:21,264 --> 00:21:23,566 So I said, "shut your mouth, you pompous git!" 431 00:21:23,567 --> 00:21:25,634 And I nicked him. 432 00:21:25,635 --> 00:21:28,204 Ah, those years at Accrington school 433 00:21:28,205 --> 00:21:31,074 Debating society not entirely wasted then. 434 00:21:31,075 --> 00:21:35,078 I remember skinheads putting dog doo through our letterbox. 435 00:21:35,079 --> 00:21:37,980 One day I heard it happening, so I open my window 436 00:21:37,981 --> 00:21:40,683 And I empty a full baby's potty on him. 437 00:21:40,684 --> 00:21:43,086 - Did he ever come back again? - He had to. 438 00:21:43,087 --> 00:21:44,286 It was the postman. 439 00:21:45,622 --> 00:21:47,824 ( scoffs ) what a world, eh? 440 00:21:49,292 --> 00:21:52,962 Sometimes I wish I could just go and live somewhere on Radio 4. 441 00:21:54,464 --> 00:21:58,234 Oh well, I'll be wending my sad, lonely, weary way. 442 00:21:59,737 --> 00:22:01,704 Dismissed. 443 00:22:01,705 --> 00:22:04,040 Good night, everyone. 444 00:22:07,644 --> 00:22:11,313 I think you should be very proud of sergeant Dawkins, sir. 445 00:22:11,314 --> 00:22:14,050 She's standing up for what she believes, 446 00:22:14,051 --> 00:22:16,753 Suffering discomfort and cold. 447 00:22:16,754 --> 00:22:19,521 It'll be horrible out there in the woods tonight. 448 00:22:19,522 --> 00:22:22,391 Yes, that's true, isn't it? 449 00:22:22,392 --> 00:22:24,360 Thank you, Habib, 450 00:22:24,361 --> 00:22:26,729 You've made me see things differently. 451 00:22:26,730 --> 00:22:30,933 A night or two shivering in a forest and she'll soon come running back. 452 00:22:33,103 --> 00:22:36,773 Well, I'm going home for a nice cup of horlicks. 453 00:22:38,108 --> 00:22:40,243 I rather doubt Patricia'll get 454 00:22:40,244 --> 00:22:42,812 Anything warm and satisfying inside her tonight. 455 00:22:46,049 --> 00:22:49,285 Oh- ( panting ) what am I doing? 456 00:22:49,286 --> 00:22:51,687 This is terrible. 457 00:22:51,688 --> 00:22:53,689 Squirrel... 458 00:22:53,690 --> 00:22:56,159 We're wood folk, 459 00:22:56,160 --> 00:22:59,695 Free spirits. We aren't chained by society. 460 00:22:59,696 --> 00:23:03,399 We reject their roads and we reject their conventions. 461 00:23:03,400 --> 00:23:06,735 They can't make us small and guilty like them. 462 00:23:06,736 --> 00:23:10,439 That's a sort of nice way of asking for a bonk, isn't it? 463 00:23:12,342 --> 00:23:15,477 Squirrel, I am nature- 464 00:23:15,478 --> 00:23:19,282 A savage, an earth creature. Are you? 465 00:23:19,283 --> 00:23:22,218 Well, I am a member of the national trust. 466 00:23:22,219 --> 00:23:25,121 Then act like a member of the national trust. 467 00:23:25,122 --> 00:23:29,826 Provide me with unhindered access to your areas 468 00:23:29,827 --> 00:23:32,161 Of outstanding natural beauty. 469 00:23:33,263 --> 00:23:35,198 ( thunder crashes ) 470 00:23:35,199 --> 00:23:37,200 Patricia! 471 00:23:37,201 --> 00:23:39,135 Come on, squirrel. 472 00:23:39,136 --> 00:23:42,404 You've been avoiding earth moving equipment all day. 473 00:23:42,405 --> 00:23:44,506 I've got one set of earth moving equipment 474 00:23:44,507 --> 00:23:46,342 You won't want to protest about. 475 00:23:51,081 --> 00:23:53,850 We must destroy the destroyer! 476 00:23:53,851 --> 00:23:55,184 ( cheers ) 477 00:23:55,185 --> 00:23:57,386 I'll show you how to make bombs. 478 00:23:57,387 --> 00:23:59,421 We can burn their death machines! 479 00:23:59,422 --> 00:24:00,990 ( crowd cheering ) 480 00:24:00,991 --> 00:24:04,360 This time, when they come with their security men and their pigs, 481 00:24:04,361 --> 00:24:06,762 - We'll be ready! - All: Yeah! 482 00:24:06,763 --> 00:24:09,765 You can't do that, you bloody idiot! 483 00:24:09,766 --> 00:24:11,767 They'll bring in tear-gas, 484 00:24:11,768 --> 00:24:14,603 Riot police! What will you do then? 485 00:24:16,273 --> 00:24:18,640 - I can get guns if you want them. - ( cheering ) 486 00:24:19,910 --> 00:24:23,145 Mr. Stallion, I am a police officer. 487 00:24:23,146 --> 00:24:24,546 ( crowd boos, hisses ) 488 00:24:24,547 --> 00:24:27,984 And you are under arrest for incitement to riot and violence. 489 00:24:27,985 --> 00:24:30,353 Dream on, babes. 490 00:24:30,354 --> 00:24:33,222 - No pig'll ever take me. - ( groans ) 491 00:24:33,223 --> 00:24:36,058 - ( crowd cheers ) - Will you follow me?! 492 00:24:36,059 --> 00:24:37,726 All: Yes! 493 00:24:37,727 --> 00:24:40,763 If you do, you'll be following him to jail, I'm afraid. 494 00:24:40,764 --> 00:24:43,532 - You, sir, are under arrest. - Ha! 495 00:24:45,802 --> 00:24:48,037 Now be careful. I've been trained. 496 00:24:51,741 --> 00:24:53,809 Thanks. We'll drink it later. 497 00:24:55,112 --> 00:24:56,712 Ha! 498 00:24:57,781 --> 00:24:59,315 All right, then, 499 00:24:59,316 --> 00:25:01,717 Come on. Come on. 500 00:25:10,127 --> 00:25:12,661 ( karate yells ) 501 00:25:16,166 --> 00:25:19,435 So you finally bonked me, babes. I knew you would. 502 00:25:24,241 --> 00:25:26,708 I brought your breakfast, Patricia. 503 00:25:28,711 --> 00:25:31,580 He was so wild, so strong. 504 00:25:31,581 --> 00:25:34,717 He cares about the future, and he'll go to prison for his beliefs. 505 00:25:34,718 --> 00:25:37,153 I fear not, Patricia. 506 00:25:37,154 --> 00:25:40,089 Mr. Stallion is free. 507 00:25:41,224 --> 00:25:43,358 - Thank you, Habib. - Yes, sir. 508 00:25:44,527 --> 00:25:46,428 On the grounds that he, like us, 509 00:25:46,429 --> 00:25:48,164 Is in the employ of her majesty. 510 00:25:48,165 --> 00:25:49,198 What?! 511 00:25:52,936 --> 00:25:55,337 Carlton, MI5... 512 00:25:55,338 --> 00:25:57,573 Babes. 513 00:25:57,574 --> 00:26:00,242 A secret agent?! 514 00:26:00,243 --> 00:26:02,311 One of britain's elite. 515 00:26:02,312 --> 00:26:04,880 Britain's elite? Ha! 516 00:26:04,881 --> 00:26:07,917 Throughout the cold war, you were run by the KGB... 517 00:26:07,918 --> 00:26:11,587 As a sort of gay, sexualist dating agency 518 00:26:11,588 --> 00:26:12,755 For grumpy alcoholics. 519 00:26:14,390 --> 00:26:16,391 Burgess, Maclean, Philby, 520 00:26:16,392 --> 00:26:18,928 Blunt, the fifth man, the sixth man, 521 00:26:18,929 --> 00:26:20,996 The eighth man from the left. 522 00:26:20,997 --> 00:26:23,432 If you told them the time of the last coach to Croyden 523 00:26:23,433 --> 00:26:25,935 They'd have flogged it to Moscow for a bottle of scotch 524 00:26:25,936 --> 00:26:28,037 And a copy of "zipper." 525 00:26:28,038 --> 00:26:29,438 Go on, clear off. 526 00:26:29,439 --> 00:26:31,841 No, I want to know what he was doing. 527 00:26:31,842 --> 00:26:34,309 Agent provocateur, babes, 528 00:26:34,310 --> 00:26:36,578 Infiltrate the protestors. 529 00:26:37,580 --> 00:26:39,915 Penetrate them, if possible. 530 00:26:41,684 --> 00:26:43,352 Identify the hotheads 531 00:26:43,353 --> 00:26:45,554 And provoke them into violent action. 532 00:26:45,555 --> 00:26:48,724 - What about people's beliefs? - Is this chick for real? 533 00:26:48,725 --> 00:26:51,193 You're nothing but an oily little sneak, 534 00:26:51,194 --> 00:26:52,661 And a coward. 535 00:26:52,662 --> 00:26:54,764 My boyfriend Raymond 536 00:26:54,765 --> 00:26:56,932 Is twice the man you'll ever be. 537 00:26:58,701 --> 00:27:00,903 And what's more, 538 00:27:00,904 --> 00:27:02,704 Not having sex with him 539 00:27:02,705 --> 00:27:05,808 Is 10 times nicer than not having sex with you! 540 00:27:10,380 --> 00:27:12,014 Yes, well... 541 00:27:12,015 --> 00:27:14,316 Least said, soonest mended, perhaps. 542 00:27:15,919 --> 00:27:17,286 Go on, clear off. 543 00:27:17,287 --> 00:27:19,321 Go and listen to somebody's phone calls. 544 00:27:22,492 --> 00:27:24,526 Ha! 545 00:27:30,700 --> 00:27:32,835 - Has he gone? - Yes. 546 00:27:32,836 --> 00:27:34,870 Shame, I'd like to have met him. 547 00:27:34,871 --> 00:27:38,174 I must say, it's quite a treat, 548 00:27:38,175 --> 00:27:41,443 Having a real live spy in the station. 549 00:27:41,444 --> 00:27:44,079 Very special breed of men, 550 00:27:44,080 --> 00:27:46,115 Tough, ruthless, 551 00:27:46,116 --> 00:27:48,984 No fannying about. 552 00:27:48,985 --> 00:27:51,053 I'm sorry I missed him, 553 00:27:51,054 --> 00:27:52,788 I think we might have bonded. 554 00:27:52,789 --> 00:27:54,990 Whose is the Nissan Micra in the car park? 555 00:27:54,991 --> 00:27:58,194 - Who are you? - Carlton, MI5. 556 00:27:58,195 --> 00:28:00,863 Oh, it's mine as it happens. 557 00:28:00,864 --> 00:28:04,099 Grim, C.I.D. it's a lovely motor, don't you think? 558 00:28:04,100 --> 00:28:06,468 - You fancy a spin? - You dinged my Aston! 559 00:28:06,469 --> 00:28:09,404 Do you drive an Aston Martin? 560 00:28:09,405 --> 00:28:11,907 A dinged Aston Martin. Dinged by you. 561 00:28:11,908 --> 00:28:14,076 - You dinged me! - I did not! 562 00:28:14,077 --> 00:28:16,111 - You dinged me! - No way, mate! 563 00:28:16,112 --> 00:28:18,580 - You dinged me! - Learn to drive, why don't you? 564 00:28:18,581 --> 00:28:21,116 - You learn to drive! - Get some glasses! 565 00:28:21,117 --> 00:28:23,618 Get- a hearing aid! 566 00:28:25,455 --> 00:28:27,256 Right. 567 00:28:27,257 --> 00:28:28,790 Ha! 568 00:28:30,060 --> 00:28:31,626 Look... 569 00:28:33,330 --> 00:28:36,398 Maybe we should just exchange names and addresses. 570 00:28:37,400 --> 00:28:39,902 ( theme music playing ) 9999 00:00:0,500 --> 00:00:2,00 www.tvsubtitles.net