1 00:00:04,017 --> 00:00:06,786 Good evening, everybody. 2 00:00:06,787 --> 00:00:09,255 Take things for granted 3 00:00:09,256 --> 00:00:11,924 And they will be taken from you. 4 00:00:11,925 --> 00:00:13,693 Anybody who has ever left 5 00:00:13,694 --> 00:00:16,429 A packet of chocolate hobnobs unguarded... 6 00:00:18,231 --> 00:00:20,933 Will vouch for the truth in that statement. 7 00:00:20,934 --> 00:00:24,270 So often the things we love the most 8 00:00:24,271 --> 00:00:27,206 We care for the least. 9 00:00:27,207 --> 00:00:29,308 Even love itself, 10 00:00:29,309 --> 00:00:31,677 As we shall see, 11 00:00:31,678 --> 00:00:35,281 Is like a regular intake of dietary fiber- 12 00:00:36,583 --> 00:00:38,651 Easy to ignore 13 00:00:38,652 --> 00:00:41,721 But just try functioning properly without it. 14 00:00:42,723 --> 00:00:45,425 ( theme music playing ) 15 00:00:55,769 --> 00:00:58,337 So that is agreed. 16 00:00:58,338 --> 00:01:00,773 Due to budgetary limitations 17 00:01:00,774 --> 00:01:03,976 Our mounted display for the Gasforth show 18 00:01:03,977 --> 00:01:07,814 Will consist of two bicycles and a set of coconut shells. 19 00:01:08,916 --> 00:01:12,117 The dog team... Will consist of one dog. 20 00:01:12,118 --> 00:01:15,655 It's not really a team, is it, Raymond? 21 00:01:15,656 --> 00:01:20,326 One dog? I mean, the whole point is dogs acting in unison. 22 00:01:20,327 --> 00:01:23,463 You can't have one dog acting in unison, can you? 23 00:01:23,464 --> 00:01:25,731 I mean, that's stupid. 24 00:01:25,732 --> 00:01:29,469 Unless... We use some kind of mirror. 25 00:01:32,573 --> 00:01:34,474 ( groaning ) 26 00:01:34,475 --> 00:01:37,343 What's happened to you, Pat? You look like you've been mugged. 27 00:01:37,344 --> 00:01:39,612 - I have. - Oh no! 28 00:01:39,613 --> 00:01:41,714 My aerobics instructor. 29 00:01:41,715 --> 00:01:43,983 "step to the side, you're looking good. 30 00:01:43,984 --> 00:01:45,417 Shake it to the right, one two. 31 00:01:45,418 --> 00:01:47,453 Put your foot in your ear, three four, 32 00:01:47,454 --> 00:01:49,355 Stick your head up your bum! Five six. 33 00:01:49,356 --> 00:01:52,558 On your back, hips up, knees spread." 34 00:01:52,559 --> 00:01:54,627 - Sounds like a smear test. - Yes! 35 00:01:54,628 --> 00:01:57,930 Only slightly less fun. 36 00:01:57,931 --> 00:02:01,033 These are difficult times, Derek, difficult times. 37 00:02:01,034 --> 00:02:03,870 Are you sure there are no more savings to be made in C.I.D.? 38 00:02:03,871 --> 00:02:05,972 I mean, this water cooler you've ordered? 39 00:02:05,973 --> 00:02:08,240 Raymond, 40 00:02:08,241 --> 00:02:10,943 Do not interfere with my decisions. 41 00:02:10,944 --> 00:02:12,979 I and me alone am responsible 42 00:02:12,980 --> 00:02:15,581 For the operational fitness in my officers. 43 00:02:15,582 --> 00:02:17,049 It is my ass, 44 00:02:17,050 --> 00:02:18,317 And I will not have you 45 00:02:18,318 --> 00:02:21,721 Sticking your nose in and sniffing about. 46 00:02:22,956 --> 00:02:24,991 The one saving grace 47 00:02:24,992 --> 00:02:27,259 Was that I wasn't the worst person in the class. 48 00:02:27,260 --> 00:02:29,428 ( whimpering ) 49 00:02:32,098 --> 00:02:34,901 I think I've dislocated my trouser furniture. 50 00:02:35,969 --> 00:02:39,071 Excuse me. 51 00:02:39,072 --> 00:02:40,673 Pluck a duck, Kevin. 52 00:02:40,674 --> 00:02:42,608 That leotard's a bit radical, isn't it? 53 00:02:42,609 --> 00:02:45,578 If it gets sucked up any further, it'll garrote your bum. 54 00:02:45,579 --> 00:02:48,414 Gotta keep in shape. Whoo, whoo. 55 00:02:48,415 --> 00:02:49,882 Ow! 56 00:02:51,718 --> 00:02:53,886 What have you gotta keep in shape for? 57 00:02:53,887 --> 00:02:56,556 I have to be very fit for my police work. 58 00:02:56,557 --> 00:02:57,990 Ow! 59 00:02:59,092 --> 00:03:00,292 Do you know, 60 00:03:00,293 --> 00:03:02,762 I was chasing this bloke the other day knackered? 61 00:03:02,763 --> 00:03:04,196 I was a wobbly jelly. 62 00:03:04,197 --> 00:03:06,699 Nearly had to stop and be sick. 63 00:03:06,700 --> 00:03:08,133 How far did you run after him? 64 00:03:08,134 --> 00:03:10,302 I wasn't running, I was in a squad car. 65 00:03:10,303 --> 00:03:13,639 It's just that I'm used to power steering. 66 00:03:15,742 --> 00:03:17,509 I think you're both mad. 67 00:03:17,510 --> 00:03:19,311 You could have had another hour in bed. 68 00:03:19,312 --> 00:03:21,213 No pain, no gain, Maggie. 69 00:03:21,214 --> 00:03:22,481 I want to get in shape. 70 00:03:22,482 --> 00:03:24,850 What are you talking about? You're in great shape. 71 00:03:24,851 --> 00:03:26,652 Just because society decrees 72 00:03:26,653 --> 00:03:29,488 That all women should look like stick insects with knockers... 73 00:03:29,489 --> 00:03:32,625 Don't you think you're just perpetuating a sexist stereotype? 74 00:03:32,626 --> 00:03:35,260 That's the idea, but it's going to take a lot of work. 75 00:03:36,930 --> 00:03:39,465 You can say it's perpetuating a stereotype if you like, 76 00:03:39,466 --> 00:03:42,902 But it's just what people find attractive. Look at beauty contests. 77 00:03:42,903 --> 00:03:46,238 Beauty contests are just a disgusting male fantasy. 78 00:03:46,239 --> 00:03:49,609 No they're not. My fantasies are a lot more disgusting than that. 79 00:03:49,610 --> 00:03:52,444 Beauty contests are tasteful. 80 00:03:52,445 --> 00:03:55,314 Tasteful? 40 birds standing in a row 81 00:03:55,315 --> 00:03:56,983 With their boobs full of silicone, 82 00:03:56,984 --> 00:04:01,520 And their bikini bits waxed down to five curlies short of a kojak? 83 00:04:01,521 --> 00:04:03,055 How tasteful is that? 84 00:04:03,056 --> 00:04:06,659 It takes a lot of hard work and dedication to win a beauty contest. 85 00:04:06,660 --> 00:04:09,595 - You have to respect that. - A person earns respect. 86 00:04:09,596 --> 00:04:13,298 Quite frankly, I don't think that having humongous kajungas 87 00:04:13,299 --> 00:04:15,434 Is a sufficient qualification. 88 00:04:15,435 --> 00:04:17,737 It'll do for me. 89 00:04:17,738 --> 00:04:20,505 Good, so that concludes 90 00:04:20,506 --> 00:04:22,574 Our weekly administrative meeting. 91 00:04:22,575 --> 00:04:25,811 Weekly fannying-about meeting more like. 92 00:04:25,812 --> 00:04:28,080 Except, of course, to remind you 93 00:04:28,081 --> 00:04:30,682 That the date for this year's promotion review board 94 00:04:30,683 --> 00:04:32,051 Has been set for this Friday. 95 00:04:32,052 --> 00:04:34,786 I don't need reminding, mate, 96 00:04:34,787 --> 00:04:37,489 I've been building up to this for weeks. 97 00:04:37,490 --> 00:04:41,526 I am a coiled spring waiting to go- 98 00:04:42,628 --> 00:04:44,563 Boing! 99 00:04:44,564 --> 00:04:47,333 Yes, well, I must say, a promotion would be nice. 100 00:04:47,334 --> 00:04:50,535 Chief inspector Raymond Fowler. 101 00:04:50,536 --> 00:04:54,539 I can't help feeling that this year it must be my turn. 102 00:04:54,540 --> 00:04:56,075 You've got no chance, mate. 103 00:04:56,076 --> 00:04:57,977 There's not point in you even turning up. 104 00:04:57,978 --> 00:05:00,612 - I beg your pardon? - Promotion boards are looking 105 00:05:00,613 --> 00:05:03,615 For solid, steady, dependable blokes, Fowler. 106 00:05:03,616 --> 00:05:06,318 - Well- - married blokes. 107 00:05:06,319 --> 00:05:08,254 I don't believe a person's marital status 108 00:05:08,255 --> 00:05:10,322 Makes the slightest difference these days. 109 00:05:10,323 --> 00:05:12,457 Of course it does! 110 00:05:12,458 --> 00:05:16,362 Blimey, society has to offer some sort of reward 111 00:05:16,363 --> 00:05:19,464 For a lifetime spent in front of the telly. 112 00:05:21,134 --> 00:05:23,035 Do you know 113 00:05:23,036 --> 00:05:27,773 Tomorrow is me and my Tina's 20th anniversary? 114 00:05:27,774 --> 00:05:30,642 - Really? - Yeah... 115 00:05:30,643 --> 00:05:34,713 And you can rest assured I shall let the promotion board know. 116 00:05:35,715 --> 00:05:37,682 20 years, mate. 117 00:05:37,683 --> 00:05:40,752 20 grueling years. 118 00:05:41,754 --> 00:05:44,156 That shows character, Raymond, 119 00:05:44,157 --> 00:05:46,258 Character and commitment. 120 00:05:46,259 --> 00:05:49,861 You really believe that being married affects one's chances of promotion? 121 00:05:49,862 --> 00:05:51,496 Of course it does. 122 00:05:51,497 --> 00:05:55,034 Mind you, marriage is much more than that. 123 00:05:55,035 --> 00:05:57,036 It's comfort. 124 00:05:57,037 --> 00:05:59,038 It's security. 125 00:05:59,039 --> 00:06:01,673 I cannot tell you 126 00:06:01,674 --> 00:06:03,375 The peace of mind 127 00:06:03,376 --> 00:06:06,511 Which me and my Tina enjoy 128 00:06:06,512 --> 00:06:08,113 Knowing that things 129 00:06:08,114 --> 00:06:10,816 Are as bad as they're ever going to get. 130 00:06:14,720 --> 00:06:18,023 Look, Maggie, I don't know a thing 131 00:06:18,024 --> 00:06:20,359 About these supermodels, 132 00:06:20,360 --> 00:06:23,062 But I do know that Kate, Naomi, and Claudia and Cindy 133 00:06:23,063 --> 00:06:25,331 All have wonderful opportunities... 134 00:06:25,332 --> 00:06:28,000 The chance to study fashion, the chance to travel- 135 00:06:28,001 --> 00:06:31,003 The chance to get knobbed by pot-bellied old rock stars. 136 00:06:32,672 --> 00:06:34,206 Look at it, 137 00:06:34,207 --> 00:06:36,141 Beautiful! 138 00:06:36,142 --> 00:06:40,179 This is what being a policeman is all about. 139 00:06:40,180 --> 00:06:44,450 Next we'll get one of them double hot plates with two coffee pots on it. 140 00:06:44,451 --> 00:06:47,286 Two coffee pots... 141 00:06:47,287 --> 00:06:50,389 A cop with two pots! 142 00:06:50,390 --> 00:06:53,092 - Yo, brother! - Freeze, mother! 143 00:06:53,093 --> 00:06:55,760 Drop it... Auntie. 144 00:06:57,864 --> 00:07:00,799 Just once before we die 145 00:07:00,800 --> 00:07:03,969 I'd like us to take our jackets off together 146 00:07:03,970 --> 00:07:07,373 And be wearing shoulder holsters. 147 00:07:09,075 --> 00:07:12,478 Once step at a time. We've got our water cooler. 148 00:07:14,180 --> 00:07:16,581 The virgin cup. 149 00:07:19,019 --> 00:07:21,553 Boyle, I can't get any water out of this thing. 150 00:07:21,554 --> 00:07:23,822 I know, it don't work. I called the bloke. 151 00:07:25,492 --> 00:07:27,126 Now then, Habib, 152 00:07:27,127 --> 00:07:30,362 I want your advice about an extremely sensitive area. 153 00:07:30,363 --> 00:07:33,132 Quite frankly, it's been bothering me for some time, 154 00:07:33,133 --> 00:07:35,200 And I just don't want to sit on it any longer. 155 00:07:35,201 --> 00:07:36,968 Oh, I see, sir. 156 00:07:36,969 --> 00:07:40,205 My dad uses this greasy cream called rectinol. 157 00:07:40,206 --> 00:07:44,176 But sometimes he still has to have a special cushion. 158 00:07:44,177 --> 00:07:46,845 - I beg your pardon? - Hemorrhoids, sir, 159 00:07:46,846 --> 00:07:48,547 Bothering your sensitive area. 160 00:07:48,548 --> 00:07:51,417 I'm not talking about hemorrhoids, you silly young constable. 161 00:07:51,418 --> 00:07:53,185 Sorry, sir. 162 00:07:53,186 --> 00:07:55,587 Rectinol, you say? 163 00:08:00,726 --> 00:08:02,161 Now then, as I was saying, 164 00:08:02,162 --> 00:08:03,962 This sensitive matter... 165 00:08:07,900 --> 00:08:11,670 If a man were considering 166 00:08:11,671 --> 00:08:13,872 Proposing marriage to a woman- 167 00:08:13,873 --> 00:08:17,008 And I am, of course, talking about a hypothetical man, 168 00:08:17,009 --> 00:08:19,144 And an equally hypothetical woman- 169 00:08:19,145 --> 00:08:22,281 Not going to be much of a sex life, is it? 170 00:08:22,282 --> 00:08:24,416 It isn't anyway. I mean... 171 00:08:26,052 --> 00:08:28,387 Hypothetically- hypothetically speaking. 172 00:08:28,388 --> 00:08:31,390 However- howsoever that may be- 173 00:08:31,391 --> 00:08:33,158 ( clears throat ) 174 00:08:33,159 --> 00:08:35,994 How do you think this hypothetical woman 175 00:08:35,995 --> 00:08:37,529 Would wish to be approached? 176 00:08:37,530 --> 00:08:39,598 Well, personally, 177 00:08:39,599 --> 00:08:42,167 I think marriage is an outmoded institution. 178 00:08:42,168 --> 00:08:44,369 But all woman like a bit of romance. 179 00:08:44,370 --> 00:08:48,039 You know, candles, flowers, nice meal. 180 00:08:48,040 --> 00:08:50,909 Then when you're all lovey-dovey, 181 00:08:50,910 --> 00:08:53,512 You go down on one knee and suggest an aids test. 182 00:08:55,081 --> 00:08:58,183 - And aids test?! - Of course, sir. 183 00:08:58,184 --> 00:09:00,385 That's how it's done these days. 184 00:09:00,386 --> 00:09:03,021 Think about it- hypothetically speaking- 185 00:09:03,022 --> 00:09:04,956 If I accept your proposal, 186 00:09:04,957 --> 00:09:08,160 I could catch H.I.V., herpes, gonorrhea. 187 00:09:13,099 --> 00:09:14,333 Ah, Patricia... 188 00:09:14,334 --> 00:09:16,602 We were just discussing... 189 00:09:16,603 --> 00:09:18,403 Catching... 190 00:09:18,404 --> 00:09:22,141 That notorious argentinean jewel thief, 191 00:09:22,142 --> 00:09:25,177 Uh... Hugo... 192 00:09:25,178 --> 00:09:29,080 Ignatiev Vincente 193 00:09:29,081 --> 00:09:31,816 ( spanish accent ) herpes-gonorrhea. 194 00:09:34,687 --> 00:09:36,121 Uh, you, uh... 195 00:09:37,657 --> 00:09:40,526 You might have read about him in "the police review." 196 00:09:40,527 --> 00:09:42,427 Was it the May issue? 197 00:09:42,428 --> 00:09:44,929 Raymond, what were you proposing to constable Habib? 198 00:09:46,533 --> 00:09:48,099 Nothing, sergeant. 199 00:09:48,100 --> 00:09:51,970 We were just discussing inspector Grim's 20th wedding anniversary, 200 00:09:51,971 --> 00:09:54,773 Saying how much marriage proposals have changed. 201 00:09:54,774 --> 00:09:57,742 These days a bloke has to bring along a medical certificate. 202 00:09:57,743 --> 00:10:01,547 I think women prefer candles, flowers and wine. 203 00:10:07,320 --> 00:10:09,954 ( scoffs ) 20 years. 204 00:10:09,955 --> 00:10:13,058 20 years poor old Tina Grim 205 00:10:13,059 --> 00:10:15,627 Has had to put up with her appalling husband. 206 00:10:15,628 --> 00:10:18,830 Can you imagine what it must be like, year after year 207 00:10:18,831 --> 00:10:21,900 With the same dull irritating old bore? 208 00:10:21,901 --> 00:10:24,336 Yes. 209 00:10:24,337 --> 00:10:27,772 Not that marriage isn't a fine and honorable estate. 210 00:10:27,773 --> 00:10:29,741 I mustn't let Grim's example 211 00:10:29,742 --> 00:10:31,743 Sour me to the entire institution, 212 00:10:31,744 --> 00:10:34,045 Nor indeed the failure of my own marriage. 213 00:10:34,046 --> 00:10:36,582 I was young, I was wild. 214 00:10:36,583 --> 00:10:38,016 She was pregnant. 215 00:10:38,017 --> 00:10:40,952 Yes, I have to confess that my knowledge 216 00:10:40,953 --> 00:10:42,954 Of the rhythm method of contraception 217 00:10:42,955 --> 00:10:45,357 Was rather incomplete. 218 00:10:45,358 --> 00:10:48,093 Well, you've certainly mastered it now. 219 00:10:48,094 --> 00:10:49,861 Just add up all the days of the month 220 00:10:49,862 --> 00:10:52,030 And then don't do it on any of them. 221 00:11:00,440 --> 00:11:02,341 Constable... 222 00:11:02,342 --> 00:11:05,611 Would you mind accompanying me to the C.I.D. area? 223 00:11:12,185 --> 00:11:14,253 I'd offer you some refreshment, 224 00:11:14,254 --> 00:11:17,289 But sadly, I have a dysfunctional spout. 225 00:11:19,292 --> 00:11:22,728 I'd like to ask your advice 226 00:11:22,729 --> 00:11:24,663 On a matter pertaining to... 227 00:11:24,664 --> 00:11:26,832 ( clears throat ) women. 228 00:11:26,833 --> 00:11:28,767 What with you being one and all. 229 00:11:28,768 --> 00:11:31,136 - Right you are, sir. - It's just, 230 00:11:31,137 --> 00:11:34,707 My Tina is expecting something special 231 00:11:34,708 --> 00:11:36,742 And exciting from me, 232 00:11:36,743 --> 00:11:40,312 And I've got a problem- it comes once a year. 233 00:11:40,313 --> 00:11:41,714 Oh dear. 234 00:11:41,715 --> 00:11:43,949 Well, I can see that would be a problem. 235 00:11:43,950 --> 00:11:47,886 But don't worry, sir, impotence is very common in men of your age. 236 00:11:47,887 --> 00:11:50,188 I read in "Cosmopolitan" 237 00:11:50,189 --> 00:11:53,158 That there's this cream you can buy called "keep it up"-- 238 00:11:53,159 --> 00:11:56,362 I'm not talking about impotence, constable. 239 00:11:56,363 --> 00:11:57,963 Oh. Sorry, sir. 240 00:11:57,964 --> 00:12:00,999 "Keep it up"... ( chuckles ) 241 00:12:07,307 --> 00:12:09,775 Now the problem is, 242 00:12:09,776 --> 00:12:13,178 As I think you know, tomorrow is me and my Tina's 243 00:12:13,179 --> 00:12:15,814 20th wedding anniversary, 244 00:12:15,815 --> 00:12:19,718 So I suppose I've got to get her something. 245 00:12:19,719 --> 00:12:21,287 It would be nice, sir. 246 00:12:21,288 --> 00:12:25,424 It's extraordinary how much meaningless empty gestures 247 00:12:25,425 --> 00:12:27,225 Mean to a woman, isn't it? 248 00:12:27,226 --> 00:12:29,361 Well, some girls like them. 249 00:12:29,362 --> 00:12:31,530 The question is what shall I get? 250 00:12:31,531 --> 00:12:33,432 Haven't you any ideas at all? 251 00:12:33,433 --> 00:12:36,735 Quite the opposite, too many ideas. I'm torn. 252 00:12:36,736 --> 00:12:40,439 I'm torn between a box of "milk tray" 253 00:12:40,440 --> 00:12:43,509 And a box of "dairy box." 254 00:12:45,011 --> 00:12:47,145 She likes the lime barrel out of one, 255 00:12:47,146 --> 00:12:50,215 And the caramel cup out of the other. 256 00:12:50,216 --> 00:12:51,650 What do you think? 257 00:12:53,586 --> 00:12:55,487 Perhaps you should get her both. 258 00:12:55,488 --> 00:12:57,790 Both?! 259 00:12:57,791 --> 00:12:59,825 You see? Bloody women! 260 00:12:59,826 --> 00:13:02,828 Totally unreasonable, the lot of you. 261 00:13:06,700 --> 00:13:09,167 Marriage is in the air at the moment. 262 00:13:09,168 --> 00:13:11,136 Do you know, 263 00:13:11,137 --> 00:13:13,104 I think inspector Fowler's 264 00:13:13,105 --> 00:13:15,474 Thinking about proposing to sergeant Dawkins. 265 00:13:15,475 --> 00:13:18,243 Oh, wouldn't that be nice? 266 00:13:19,245 --> 00:13:21,246 I love a wedding! 267 00:13:21,247 --> 00:13:23,315 Except for the bit where the vicar says, 268 00:13:23,316 --> 00:13:25,116 "does anyone have any objections?" 269 00:13:25,117 --> 00:13:28,520 Makes me so tense. 270 00:13:28,521 --> 00:13:31,890 I always think, "God, I hope I don't say something!" 271 00:13:35,362 --> 00:13:38,430 Because you easily could, couldn't you? 272 00:13:38,431 --> 00:13:40,899 You know, if you suddenly went mad or something. 273 00:13:41,968 --> 00:13:44,002 I did object at a wedding once. 274 00:13:44,003 --> 00:13:46,672 - ( gasps ) You didn't?! - Oh yes... 275 00:13:46,673 --> 00:13:49,775 I said the groom is a drinker and a philanderer. 276 00:13:49,776 --> 00:13:51,744 Oh no! 277 00:13:54,080 --> 00:13:56,081 What did the groom say? 278 00:13:56,082 --> 00:13:57,383 I just told you. 279 00:13:59,919 --> 00:14:03,489 It was the only way I could think of getting out of it. 280 00:14:07,027 --> 00:14:08,794 Well, now, Patricia, 281 00:14:08,795 --> 00:14:13,265 I hope you enjoyed your lasagna parmeggiano verde con funghi. 282 00:14:14,500 --> 00:14:16,635 Yes, Raymond, ever so. 283 00:14:16,636 --> 00:14:19,138 Good. It took some preparation, I can tell you. 284 00:14:19,139 --> 00:14:20,839 I bet it did. 285 00:14:20,840 --> 00:14:23,976 For a while, I didn't think I was ever going to get it out of the packet. 286 00:14:23,977 --> 00:14:27,079 Look, "to open, 287 00:14:27,080 --> 00:14:29,081 Simply cut along dotted line 288 00:14:29,082 --> 00:14:32,017 And pull tab outwards." I mean, it's just not true! 289 00:14:32,018 --> 00:14:34,053 That won't get you anywhere. 290 00:14:34,054 --> 00:14:37,122 They might as well say "to open, wrap in a copy of the 'beano' 291 00:14:37,123 --> 00:14:39,457 And brush your teeth with it." 292 00:14:39,458 --> 00:14:42,260 I mean, why does it have to be hermetically sealed? 293 00:14:42,261 --> 00:14:45,798 It's a frozen meal, not a gold ingot. 294 00:14:45,799 --> 00:14:48,633 I'm surprised it wasn't delivered in a securicorps van. 295 00:14:48,634 --> 00:14:50,803 "to open, bludgeon guards to death, 296 00:14:50,804 --> 00:14:53,839 Run oxyacetylene torch along dotted line 297 00:14:53,840 --> 00:14:56,641 And dynamite where shown." 298 00:14:56,642 --> 00:14:58,944 Raymond, we're having a lovely evening, 299 00:14:58,945 --> 00:15:00,612 You made a super supper, 300 00:15:00,613 --> 00:15:03,315 - Please don't spoil it. - Yes, I'm sorry, darling. 301 00:15:05,384 --> 00:15:08,386 - Some more wine? - Ooh, I shouldn't. 302 00:15:08,387 --> 00:15:11,957 In that case I'll just recork it with my vacupump. 303 00:15:11,958 --> 00:15:14,126 No, no, on second thoughts, 304 00:15:14,127 --> 00:15:16,328 - Perhaps just a little drop. - All right. 305 00:15:22,335 --> 00:15:24,269 I shall have to be careful. 306 00:15:24,270 --> 00:15:27,806 Red wine and italian food turns me into a right goer. 307 00:15:27,807 --> 00:15:30,943 Well, I'm delighted to hear it. 308 00:15:30,944 --> 00:15:33,846 - Are you, Raymond? - Absolutely. 309 00:15:33,847 --> 00:15:37,515 Active bowel, active mind, I always say. 310 00:15:42,388 --> 00:15:44,790 Raymond, what's all this in aid of? 311 00:15:44,791 --> 00:15:46,759 The candles, the flowers, the wine? 312 00:15:46,760 --> 00:15:48,827 Oh, this? 313 00:15:48,828 --> 00:15:50,829 Oh... Oh, you know. 314 00:15:50,830 --> 00:15:53,465 Um... Well, um- 315 00:15:53,466 --> 00:15:56,301 Well... ( clears throat ) 316 00:15:56,302 --> 00:15:59,071 You know how much I admire you, Patricia, 317 00:15:59,072 --> 00:16:01,539 Not only as a police sergeant, 318 00:16:01,540 --> 00:16:03,809 But also as a, um- 319 00:16:03,810 --> 00:16:05,878 You know, as a, uh... 320 00:16:05,879 --> 00:16:08,580 ( clears throat ) as a woman. 321 00:16:08,581 --> 00:16:11,750 - Oh, Raymond. - Patricia. 322 00:16:11,751 --> 00:16:13,786 Oh, Raymond. 323 00:16:13,787 --> 00:16:16,721 Is there something you want to say to me? 324 00:16:16,722 --> 00:16:19,424 Yes... Yes, there is. 325 00:16:22,695 --> 00:16:25,898 I want to discuss our future together. 326 00:16:25,899 --> 00:16:29,601 We're- we're both pretty set in our ways now, 327 00:16:29,602 --> 00:16:31,503 I'm a bit of an old stick-in-the-mud, 328 00:16:31,504 --> 00:16:34,706 And you're certainly not getting any younger, that's for sure. 329 00:16:36,742 --> 00:16:41,213 I don't want to end up boring, gray, flabby and all alone. 330 00:16:41,214 --> 00:16:44,917 I want to be boring, gray and flabby with you. 331 00:16:45,919 --> 00:16:47,886 I'm sure you feel the same way, 332 00:16:47,887 --> 00:16:50,622 Particularly now you're beginning to lose your looks a bit. 333 00:16:52,258 --> 00:16:55,460 - Really? - Oh, definitely. Mmm. 334 00:16:57,263 --> 00:16:59,064 Besides which, I'm mindful 335 00:16:59,065 --> 00:17:01,266 Of the approaching promotion review board. 336 00:17:01,267 --> 00:17:05,537 My home life needs to appear solid, plain and simple. 337 00:17:05,538 --> 00:17:08,506 And they don't come much more solid, plain and simple 338 00:17:08,507 --> 00:17:09,741 Than you, old girl. 339 00:17:12,045 --> 00:17:15,047 So what I'm saying is, how about it? 340 00:17:15,048 --> 00:17:17,716 Let's get married. 341 00:17:17,717 --> 00:17:20,552 No. In fact, I'm leaving you. 342 00:17:22,455 --> 00:17:25,157 So she turned you down... 343 00:17:25,158 --> 00:17:28,126 Like an old duvet. 344 00:17:29,128 --> 00:17:31,596 I was so sure of my ground. 345 00:17:31,597 --> 00:17:36,168 It must have been something to do with the way I proposed. 346 00:17:36,169 --> 00:17:39,371 It can't have been any worse than when I did it, sir. 347 00:17:39,372 --> 00:17:42,574 I had 10 bottles of guinness to get my courage up. 348 00:17:42,575 --> 00:17:46,044 - Did you go down on one knee? - I went down on all fours. 349 00:17:47,847 --> 00:17:49,948 How could I have got it so wrong? 350 00:17:49,949 --> 00:17:53,685 I'm sure you made a very nice proposal, sir. 351 00:17:53,686 --> 00:17:55,553 Yes, as a matter of fact I did. 352 00:17:55,554 --> 00:17:59,224 Wine, candles- cost me a pretty penny, I can tell you. 353 00:17:59,225 --> 00:18:01,526 But there's no pleasing some women. 354 00:18:01,527 --> 00:18:03,262 Any woman, sir. 355 00:18:03,263 --> 00:18:06,865 And I was making a very attractive offer, I can assure you. 356 00:18:06,866 --> 00:18:10,802 It wasn't just my cuisine I dangled in front of her. 357 00:18:11,971 --> 00:18:13,838 Oh no? 358 00:18:13,839 --> 00:18:15,774 What else did you dangle? 359 00:18:15,775 --> 00:18:20,612 - My prospects! - At dinner? 360 00:18:20,613 --> 00:18:23,215 My mom won't even let me put my elbows on the table. 361 00:18:25,285 --> 00:18:28,553 The promotion review board are coming tomorrow. 362 00:18:28,554 --> 00:18:32,057 She could have been married to a chief inspector, but oh no! 363 00:18:32,058 --> 00:18:35,394 - Well, it's her loss. - Women! 364 00:18:35,395 --> 00:18:39,231 Can't flipping please them no matter what you do. 365 00:18:39,232 --> 00:18:41,033 I bought her 366 00:18:41,034 --> 00:18:46,438 A 250-gram box of "milk tray." 367 00:18:46,439 --> 00:18:48,540 She only said she wants champagne. 368 00:18:48,541 --> 00:18:52,177 Cor, I managed to get her to settle for a bottle of asti 369 00:18:52,178 --> 00:18:54,446 But it still meant getting in the car. 370 00:18:54,447 --> 00:18:57,349 I reckon the problem is you're both too nice. 371 00:18:57,350 --> 00:18:59,251 Birds don't appreciate it. 372 00:18:59,252 --> 00:19:01,954 Treat 'em mean, keep 'em keen. 373 00:19:01,955 --> 00:19:03,422 Walk away. 374 00:19:03,423 --> 00:19:06,491 "ta ta, babes, it's been fun, but your luck's run out. 375 00:19:06,492 --> 00:19:09,494 There's plenty more nuggets in a family portion, 376 00:19:09,495 --> 00:19:12,831 And I've stuck my toothbrush in your mug for the last time." 377 00:19:12,832 --> 00:19:15,934 And for those of us whose first language is english? 378 00:19:18,271 --> 00:19:20,505 Forget it all for a night. 379 00:19:20,506 --> 00:19:23,775 Get out on the pull. Meet some other girls for a change. 380 00:19:23,776 --> 00:19:25,477 Have a drink, a laugh. 381 00:19:25,478 --> 00:19:27,479 Well, I suppose it can't hurt. 382 00:19:27,480 --> 00:19:29,247 Well, I'm not going. 383 00:19:29,248 --> 00:19:31,583 ( loud dance music playing ) 384 00:19:36,922 --> 00:19:39,524 Nothing wrong with a little dance. 385 00:19:39,525 --> 00:19:41,793 How can I ask anyone to dance? 386 00:19:41,794 --> 00:19:44,262 It's too noisy to communicate. 387 00:19:44,263 --> 00:19:46,664 You don't have to talk to them. 388 00:19:46,665 --> 00:19:50,702 Just boogie up to them and do this... 389 00:19:50,703 --> 00:19:53,638 If they don't half off, you're on for the full portion. 390 00:19:53,639 --> 00:19:56,441 - The what?! - Have a go. 391 00:20:10,122 --> 00:20:12,189 All right, boys, keep it discreet. 392 00:20:12,190 --> 00:20:13,625 Gay night's tuesdays. 393 00:20:15,394 --> 00:20:17,662 I can't stay long, Maggie. 394 00:20:17,663 --> 00:20:20,031 I'm in a friend's flat while she's on holiday 395 00:20:20,032 --> 00:20:22,434 And I have to feed Toby, her stupid dog. 396 00:20:22,435 --> 00:20:24,769 Pat, stop making excuses. 397 00:20:24,770 --> 00:20:26,971 It's a night out. Have a drink, 398 00:20:26,972 --> 00:20:29,073 Dance with a bloke or two. 399 00:20:29,074 --> 00:20:30,575 As if anyone would ask me- 400 00:20:30,576 --> 00:20:32,410 And I wouldn't know what to do if they did. 401 00:20:32,411 --> 00:20:34,412 Don't be overeager. 402 00:20:34,413 --> 00:20:36,514 Just be dead cool and classy. 403 00:20:36,515 --> 00:20:38,450 You know, sophisticated. 404 00:20:38,451 --> 00:20:40,518 Say something like... 405 00:20:40,519 --> 00:20:43,855 "I'd rather bop with the bits I cut off my dog's bum." 406 00:20:45,491 --> 00:20:48,359 Show them you're a strong, in-control woman. 407 00:20:48,360 --> 00:20:50,962 Excuse me. Fancy a dance? 408 00:20:50,963 --> 00:20:52,897 Yeah, all right. 409 00:20:54,600 --> 00:20:57,068 That one there might do for you, kev. 410 00:20:57,069 --> 00:20:59,303 I used to know her. Lovely. 411 00:20:59,304 --> 00:21:01,806 Only interested in one thing. 412 00:21:01,807 --> 00:21:03,341 Oh, I see. 413 00:21:03,342 --> 00:21:05,743 A bit boring, is she? 414 00:21:08,213 --> 00:21:10,782 Do you think you could loosen your grip a bit, pal? 415 00:21:10,783 --> 00:21:13,952 I'd like to keep my knockers on the outside of my ribcage. 416 00:21:56,128 --> 00:21:58,162 Patricia! 417 00:21:58,163 --> 00:22:00,765 What in the devil's desk diary are you doing here? 418 00:22:00,766 --> 00:22:02,700 Dancing, 419 00:22:02,701 --> 00:22:04,869 If it's any business of yours. 420 00:22:04,870 --> 00:22:06,704 You look- 421 00:22:06,705 --> 00:22:08,706 You look lovely. 422 00:22:08,707 --> 00:22:10,642 Thanks. 423 00:22:10,643 --> 00:22:14,211 Your legs, they're- they're new, aren't they? 424 00:22:15,581 --> 00:22:17,715 Same ones. 425 00:22:17,716 --> 00:22:20,585 Perhaps we could... Dance together? 426 00:22:20,586 --> 00:22:23,087 Well, perhaps just one. 427 00:22:26,058 --> 00:22:28,092 I have to get back for Toby. 428 00:22:29,094 --> 00:22:31,362 Toby? Who's Toby? 429 00:22:31,363 --> 00:22:34,866 Sir, sir! Gary says he's found you a right old slapper 430 00:22:34,867 --> 00:22:36,267 That even you could pull. 431 00:22:40,606 --> 00:22:44,175 - Hello, sergeant Dawkins. - Goodbye, constable. 432 00:22:46,278 --> 00:22:48,145 Goodbye, inspector! 433 00:22:49,848 --> 00:22:51,749 Who's Toby? 434 00:22:54,587 --> 00:22:57,221 Fowler: You know, the funny thing is I feel great. 435 00:22:57,222 --> 00:22:59,491 Really great. 436 00:22:59,492 --> 00:23:01,860 Liberated. 437 00:23:01,861 --> 00:23:05,329 Patricia's building a new life with Toby, 438 00:23:05,330 --> 00:23:08,132 And I'm happy for her. 439 00:23:08,133 --> 00:23:10,134 Really happy. 440 00:23:11,336 --> 00:23:14,171 Did you see all those beautiful girls tonight? 441 00:23:14,172 --> 00:23:16,140 ( chuckles ) 442 00:23:16,141 --> 00:23:18,877 Talk about plenty more fish in the sea. 443 00:23:20,078 --> 00:23:21,546 Wa-aay! 444 00:23:23,549 --> 00:23:25,182 Woof, woof! 445 00:23:26,519 --> 00:23:29,353 No, I feel great. 446 00:23:29,354 --> 00:23:31,055 A toast- 447 00:23:31,056 --> 00:23:33,858 A toast to feeling great. 448 00:23:33,859 --> 00:23:37,061 - Both: Feeling great. - ( sobbing ) 449 00:23:39,498 --> 00:23:41,466 You miss inspector Fowler, a lot, don't you? 450 00:23:41,467 --> 00:23:44,636 Him?! That dull, rude, boring, 451 00:23:44,637 --> 00:23:48,272 Useless excuse of a man who'd rather read Biggles than bonk? 452 00:23:48,273 --> 00:23:51,409 Of course I miss him, I love him. 453 00:23:51,410 --> 00:23:55,212 He looked so funny last night at the disco trying to be trendy. 454 00:23:55,213 --> 00:23:57,782 Oh well, we both made our decisions. 455 00:23:57,783 --> 00:24:00,485 So come on out! Let your guard down. 456 00:24:00,486 --> 00:24:03,154 Let your hair down. Let your mother down. 457 00:24:04,990 --> 00:24:07,725 No thank you, I don't feel like it. 458 00:24:07,726 --> 00:24:09,727 Besides I have to look after Toby. 459 00:24:09,728 --> 00:24:13,397 Honestly, it's been such a comfort having Toby around. 460 00:24:13,398 --> 00:24:16,400 He's really stopped me being lonely, especially at night. 461 00:24:16,401 --> 00:24:19,170 He just loves me for who I am, you see? 462 00:24:19,171 --> 00:24:20,805 And actually, 463 00:24:20,806 --> 00:24:23,341 Even after only a couple of days, I think I love him. 464 00:24:23,342 --> 00:24:26,678 Mind you, I'm not saying he's not a handful, whoo! 465 00:24:26,679 --> 00:24:29,246 He's so rough and physical! 466 00:24:29,247 --> 00:24:32,416 I'll bet when you go home he just leaps at you, doesn't he? 467 00:24:32,417 --> 00:24:35,453 Yes, he does! I hardly have time to get my coat off 468 00:24:35,454 --> 00:24:38,389 Before he's licking me all over. 469 00:24:39,525 --> 00:24:41,559 Oooh, I know that sort of animal. 470 00:24:41,560 --> 00:24:44,529 Does he want to have his head in your lap all evening? 471 00:24:44,530 --> 00:24:48,432 All evening, snuffling away. 472 00:24:48,433 --> 00:24:51,870 I tried to say, "no, Toby!" 473 00:24:51,871 --> 00:24:55,239 But he looks at me with those big, beautiful, soulful eyes, 474 00:24:55,240 --> 00:24:57,642 His tongue hanging out. Mind you- 475 00:24:57,643 --> 00:24:59,611 To be honest, he can be a bit disgusting. 476 00:24:59,612 --> 00:25:02,981 I mean, when he sits in the middle of the carpet and licks his willy- 477 00:25:08,854 --> 00:25:10,655 Medical emergency on the line- 478 00:25:10,656 --> 00:25:12,189 Potential fatality. 479 00:25:12,190 --> 00:25:13,925 Boyle, can you keep it down? 480 00:25:13,926 --> 00:25:17,461 I'm trying to get through to the water cooler repairs hotline. 481 00:25:17,462 --> 00:25:21,132 Blimey! "you are in a queue. All our operators are busy." 482 00:25:21,133 --> 00:25:23,100 What would happen if we tried that, eh? 483 00:25:23,101 --> 00:25:27,338 Someone rings up dying- "sorry, all our officers are busy, 484 00:25:27,339 --> 00:25:28,973 Your emergency's in a queue 485 00:25:28,974 --> 00:25:31,342 And we will be doing nothing about it." 486 00:25:34,279 --> 00:25:37,015 - Imagine that? - Hello? Hello-oo? 487 00:25:37,016 --> 00:25:38,516 Hello! 488 00:25:38,517 --> 00:25:40,051 Oh, finally, right! 489 00:25:40,052 --> 00:25:42,654 My water spout won't spurt. 490 00:25:42,655 --> 00:25:45,523 No, next week is not good enough, 491 00:25:45,524 --> 00:25:47,625 I've got an extremely important 492 00:25:47,626 --> 00:25:49,627 Promotions interview this afternoon. 493 00:25:49,628 --> 00:25:51,829 I'm going to look a right dicky doo-dah 494 00:25:51,830 --> 00:25:56,000 With a non-functioning faucet filtering facility, aren't I? 495 00:25:56,001 --> 00:25:57,334 Thank you! 496 00:25:57,335 --> 00:25:59,804 She's going to give me instructions over the phone. 497 00:25:59,805 --> 00:26:01,573 Get this down. 498 00:26:01,574 --> 00:26:03,708 "take your water cooler..." yeah. 499 00:26:05,978 --> 00:26:07,879 "and shove it up your--" 500 00:26:12,585 --> 00:26:14,052 Maggie, Maggie, Maggie. 501 00:26:14,053 --> 00:26:16,854 Was there any post for me? I'm very, very excited. 502 00:26:16,855 --> 00:26:19,290 I've ordered some weights and some dumbbells 503 00:26:19,291 --> 00:26:20,892 So I can iron my pump. 504 00:26:20,893 --> 00:26:22,961 Oh, right. I was wondering what this was. 505 00:26:26,966 --> 00:26:28,265 Thanks. 506 00:26:37,342 --> 00:26:38,676 Anyway, so come on, 507 00:26:38,677 --> 00:26:40,544 You were telling me about your new life. 508 00:26:40,545 --> 00:26:42,413 There's not much to tell, really. 509 00:26:42,414 --> 00:26:45,049 How are you getting on with Toby? 510 00:26:45,050 --> 00:26:47,451 The problem is he can be so rough. 511 00:26:47,452 --> 00:26:50,655 He doesn't know his own strength sometimes. He nearly knocks me over. 512 00:26:50,656 --> 00:26:53,057 Habib: Does he insist on sleeping with you every night, 513 00:26:53,058 --> 00:26:54,659 Even though you don't want him to? 514 00:26:54,660 --> 00:26:56,060 Yes, he does! 515 00:26:56,061 --> 00:26:59,664 I say, "no, Toby, get out of my bed!" 516 00:26:59,665 --> 00:27:00,932 But before I know it, 517 00:27:00,933 --> 00:27:03,567 He's on top of me all hot and panting and hairy. 518 00:27:03,568 --> 00:27:05,069 And I have to fight him off. 519 00:27:05,070 --> 00:27:08,072 Patricia! I can remain silent no longer! 520 00:27:08,073 --> 00:27:10,508 - This Toby is an animal! - Yes. 521 00:27:10,509 --> 00:27:11,843 If I cannot have you, 522 00:27:11,844 --> 00:27:14,478 Then I should at least protect you from swine like him. 523 00:27:14,479 --> 00:27:16,948 Who is this Toby? I shall thrash the monster 524 00:27:16,949 --> 00:27:18,616 To within an inch of his life 525 00:27:18,617 --> 00:27:21,418 - And hang the consequences. - He's a prize-winning boxer. 526 00:27:21,419 --> 00:27:24,088 Well, I box a little myself. 527 00:27:24,089 --> 00:27:27,558 And I don't care. I love you, Patricia. 528 00:27:27,559 --> 00:27:29,326 I always will. 529 00:27:29,327 --> 00:27:32,163 And if I end up being beaten to death protecting you 530 00:27:32,164 --> 00:27:33,597 From this filthy pervert, 531 00:27:33,598 --> 00:27:35,232 Then I will count my life cheap. 532 00:27:35,233 --> 00:27:38,202 Oh, Raymond! God, I love you. 533 00:27:38,203 --> 00:27:41,405 - What about Toby? - Toby's a dog. 534 00:27:42,941 --> 00:27:45,376 Oh, I see. 535 00:27:45,377 --> 00:27:48,245 Oh, Raymond, you wanted to be so brave, 536 00:27:48,246 --> 00:27:51,082 So strong. Let's start all over, 537 00:27:51,083 --> 00:27:54,085 Rekindle our romance, do all the things we never did. 538 00:27:54,086 --> 00:27:57,989 Yes, let's start with a half of mackeson at the "frog and truncheon." 539 00:27:57,990 --> 00:28:01,125 Yes- and see how we go from there. 540 00:28:01,126 --> 00:28:03,227 Sir, you can't go out boozing now! 541 00:28:03,228 --> 00:28:05,763 The people from the promotion board'll be here any minute. 542 00:28:05,764 --> 00:28:08,432 Oh dear, yes... 543 00:28:08,433 --> 00:28:10,234 No. 544 00:28:10,235 --> 00:28:12,170 Kindly inform them 545 00:28:12,171 --> 00:28:14,839 That I have more important matters to attend to. 546 00:28:14,840 --> 00:28:17,474 There's always next year. 547 00:28:17,475 --> 00:28:19,276 Come along, Patricia. 548 00:28:25,818 --> 00:28:28,019 Right, Boyle, this is it. 549 00:28:28,020 --> 00:28:31,022 New suit, new tie. 550 00:28:31,023 --> 00:28:34,425 Very hoity, very toity. 551 00:28:34,426 --> 00:28:37,528 Got Tina to iron my socks. 552 00:28:37,529 --> 00:28:41,099 Even managed to fix my spout. 553 00:28:41,100 --> 00:28:42,767 They won't interview 554 00:28:42,768 --> 00:28:45,336 A smarter officer than me this week. 555 00:28:45,337 --> 00:28:47,538 Oh yes, very nice. 556 00:28:47,539 --> 00:28:50,908 Sir, the people from the promotion board are here. 557 00:28:50,909 --> 00:28:53,144 Right. This is it. 558 00:28:55,647 --> 00:28:57,749 Just refresh myself 559 00:28:57,750 --> 00:29:01,385 With a nice cup of ice cold water from the cooler. 560 00:29:04,790 --> 00:29:06,624 And in I go. 561 00:29:09,527 --> 00:29:11,729 I think you'll agree I look... 562 00:29:11,730 --> 00:29:13,798 Rather eye-catching. 563 00:29:13,799 --> 00:29:15,800 You certainly do, inspector. 564 00:29:15,801 --> 00:29:17,268 Good luck. 565 00:29:18,937 --> 00:29:21,239 ( theme music playing ) 9999 00:00:0,500 --> 00:00:2,00 www.tvsubtitles.net