Oh, hiya. How are you? Good, good. Listen.
Are you free next week to go away? Where?
It's kind of a tour, tour of the north.
Restaurant tour. Really good restaurants.
Right. Why me?
Mischa can't come and I don't want to go alone.
I've asked other people, but they're all too busy.
It's a job. I'm not asking you to go on holiday with me or anything weird.
It's for the Observer magazine. So... you know, do you wanna come?
So I thought we'd take the B-5278 along the west bank of Windermere.
Then when we get to Rydal,
we're gonna take the A591 up to Keswick.
I've printed out some reviews... Oh, great. Oh, that's good.
For L'enclume, and basically, with L'enclume,
you can say whatever you want,
because it goes from the terrible to the wonderful.
Victor Lewis-Smith.
Um... 'Never mind all the talk of inventiveness and variety,
the result was as formulaic as McDonald's,
with the same splatter of Technicolor bird shit
on every plate.'
Then... That's a bit unkind.
Giles Coren in The Times.
'Love is not strong enough to describe what I felt
about L'enclume in Cartmel.
I am breathless with admiration, respect,
and awe for the skill, imagination and restraint
of the 20-odd plates of Simon Rogan's food
that I ate in my two visits.'
Two-thirds of the way through that,
you were thinking of doing Anthony Hopkins, weren't you?
Yes. Yeah, I heard it.
I heard it in your voice. Are you glad I didn't?
I am glad you didn't. I admire your restraint.
'I was dazzled,
blown away by the originality, integrity and extravagance.
I found it the best restaurant experience over the years.
Love is not strong enough to describe what I felt about it!'
Please, Christ. Restaurant I would easily promise to honour and obey!
I will honour you, sir! I will honour you and the restaurant, sir!
Alright. Alright. Jesus Christ. It's so early, shouting like that.
It's really horrible. It's really unpleasant.
He is when he does that, isn't he? I know. I know.
He is, and by default, you are.
Well, yeah, because I inhabit the role, sir.
I'm not a turn, am I? I inhabit the role.
Yeah, no, you're a real method actor. Yeah.
You're right up there with Pacino and...
Oh, Christ, I better be careful what I say.
What do you got? Hello, hello.
There's method in my madness.
Why are we self-catering?
We thought we would go and stay the night at Greta Hall
when Mischa was gonna come with me originally,
because we thought we could make love in the bed
that Coleridge slept in and made love in,
and they would lend a poetic, romantic frisson
to our congress.
Still be romantic, just the two of us.
We can be chummy. Yeah, exactly, chummy.
Yeah. Chummy. Without the bum.
Bumless chums. Bumless chums.
Very big, isn't it?
Uh. Very nice. Yeah.
Robert Southey. Now who was he? I thought Coleridge lived here.
Yeah. I thought there'd be a... Ah, look, there it is.
'Samuel Taylor Coleridge lived here...'
Three years. Not very long.
You can hardly say it's Coleridge's house, can you?
Well, it's not how long you live here,
it's the significance of who you are.
I mean, if I lived with you for... I don't know, six months,
when I die, there'll be a plaque on the house saying,
'Steve Coogan lived here from 2010 to 2011' or something.
Coleridge left quite quickly after he moved here,
so Robert Southey had his wife and Coleridge's wife,
and another Fricker sister living here, plus the children.
So he was the only man looking after all these children,
and the wives as well.
So he, you know, he had to...
'Cause Coleridge was off on his travels.
Couldn't cope with the domesticity of life.
He found it very difficult.
He found it very hard to be creative.
Yes, yes.
There's bells ringing all over the place here.
He came back though, didn't he?
Periodically, he would come back and visit, uh-huh. Hmm.
We don't think... well, there isn't very much evidence
that he actually had sent any money back, which is a bit tricky.
I'm very consistent with my maintenance, Rob.
Oh no, you are. I would never say anything.
In case you wanted to draw a parallel there.
So this was Coleridge's study. Wow.
And possibly his bedroom as well. Hey.
He would, like... probably had opium in here maybe.
Um... Possibly laudanum,
because that's what they were taking at that time,
initially as a painkiller, but then perhaps he would...
Well, he did become addicted to it.
Would you like me to tell you about Holbeck Ghyll? Yes.
'Charming, Victorian hunting lodge
with pleasant gardens and stunning views.
Individually decorated bedrooms
combine country-house style with a contemporary edge.'
That's how I think of myself.
If I was a house, I'd like to be a country house,
but with a contemporary edge. 'Cooking is confident and precise.
Appealing menus are complemented by an exceptional wine list.'
Yeah.
Oh, hey. Look at that. See that? Beautiful.
You can't paint that.
Well... Well, you could, but it'd be a bit rubbish.
Probably sell it for about 25 quid
in one of the tourist shops around here.
Fuck.
Why do you do that, eh? Why? You know it's physically impossible?
Oh! My back.
Are you ready to order? Yes, please.
Um... Shall I go first? Yep.
Could I have the scallops to start, please?
And then I'll have the pigeon as the main course.
I will have the rabbit, please, followed by the lamb.
Thank you. Nice image, rabbit following a lamb.
That's a bit weird. Rob. A bit weird.
Oh, yeah.
Can we have a knife for the butter please,
and a rolled-up £20 note for the salt? Thank you.
Gentlemen, your wines.
The Cheverny and the Chablis Premier Cru.
Ah, marvellous. Premier Cru. I know that that means it's good.
Premier Cru. Premier, first, the best.
Cru?
Don't know.
Mystery. Mystery. But that's good.
It's good to have mystery about these things.
It's a premier. That's good. It's the first of something.
Would you like to try, gentlemen?
Do you wanna try? Yes, please.
Thank you.
That's fine.
Now 11 and 5.
Sorry?
What is it, sorry?
Pumpkin and gruyere. Gruyere?
Gruyere. Cheese. Thank you very much.
Thank you. Thank you very much.
She's lovely, wasn't she? Very sweet. Nice disposition.
Imagine her on an Alpine hillside herding goats.
Hm. Ah, it's delicious. Taste it. Isn't that lovely?
Oh, that is... that... ah, tremendous. Good Lord!
Hmm. Hmm.
My bouche is amused.
Yeah. Can you not look right into my eyes when you taste it?
You look weird. Hmm. Oh, Steve.
That's lovely.
I don't fancy my chances of sleeping in Coleridge's house.
I'm bad enough in a really good hotel.
Because I like the smells of home, just the home smells.
I'm like an animal in that sense.
What? Like a mouse? Like a lion.
If he strays far from the pride,
he yearns for the smell of his lady lion, his she-lion.
Let's change the subject, mate, please, for Chrissakes.
Oh, hang on. Sorry. Let me finish.
Oh, my God! Oh, Rob. Please, please.
Thank you very much. Thank you very much, thank you.
OK, service. Table six, scallops. Lovely.
This is Hazlett on Coleridge.
'All that he had done of moment he had done 20 years ago.
Since then, he maybe is said to live on the sound of his own voice.
He is a general lover of art and science.' That's true.
'And wedded to no-one in particular.'
OK, it's about me. I didn't realise, but carry on.
'He pursues knowledge as a mistress.' OK.
'It was not to be supposed that Mr Coleridge could keep on
at the rate he set off.' Aha!
'He could not realise all...' Is that written down?
'And less could not fix his desultory ambition.
Other stimulants supplied the place...'
Careful, you were going to Jimmy Saville then,
but I'll let it go.
'Other stimulants supplied the place and kept up
the intoxicating dream, the fever, and the madness
of his early impressions.'
Right. I don't do impressions.
I'm saying that it can be hard to have a big success.
Bob Balaban said, 'Never be hot. Always be warm.'
And a lot of the people that are thought of as great had pfff...
supernova moments.
Where do you go from there?
Well, it's difficult, you know,
once you've achieved greatness, to match that.
I imagine it is.
Yeah, and you'll always imagine,
because it's not a problem you'll ever have to contend with.
But that's not a problem for me, why?
I'd rather be me than you,
because I'd rather have these moments of genius,
than... than... than a lifetime of mediocrity.
My career is not mediocre.
OK, that's good. Two crab, rabbit, scallops.
Doesn't matter about the thyme.
Scallops. Thank you very much.
Thank you. Scallops. Thanks.
Golly. Thank you.
Enjoy it. Thank you very much.
I always think of Coleridge as sort of a Richard Burton-type character.
In Xanadu did Kubla Kahn
a stately pleasure-dome decree, where Alph, the sacred river, ran
through caverns measureless to man down to a soundless sea.
I'm very impressed with that. You shocked me.
'Cause I would have thought that you would have preferred
Olivia Newton-John's version of Xanadu.
I think both Newton-John and Coleridge
tackled the subject of Xanadu with varying degrees of success.
They call it Xanadu.
Yes. Xanadu.
Xaaaanadu. In Xanadu.
- Ably abetted by... - Jeff Lynne
Of... The Electric Light Orchestra.
Electric Light Orchestra. The Electric Light Orchestra.
First one, pigeon, lamb encore, followed by duck, lamb encore.
Wordsworth took his time. He was a plodder.
He took his time, then steady...
Yes, he was. It's the tortoise and the hare.
Do you see yourself as a hare? Yeah, I'm happy to be a hare.
Tortoise is happier than the hare. Yeah, but they're boring.
Hares go... you know, zoom, zoom, zoom!
I'd rather be a tortoise. The tortoise wins at the end.
Yeah, that's true.
- Thank you very much. - Top up?
Yes, I like drinking wine.
We'll just plate up here and we'll...
'Better to burn out than fade away.' Neil Young.
'One small leap for man.' Neil Armstrong.
'One small leap for man'?
It was actually 'one small step for man, one giant leap for mankind'.
But it was meant to be 'a man'.
He got it wrong. He got his lines wrong. He hadn't thought it through.
Thank you very much.
I don't need the nod and the wink. I don't it every time.
Well, you know what? OK, yeah. Don't do that.
No, I'm saying I won't do that. I'm going... I won't do it.
Service.
Thank you. Pigeon... Golly, that does look nice.
That looks lovely. What is that? Pigeon.
Really? Yeah. Golly.
Don't want to sit there watching you cooing over it.
What have you got? I have lamb.
Thank you. Um...
Farewell to the white wine. Hello to our old friend, the red.
Mmm. That's nice. That's very nice.
Do you think we just have the same conversation in every restaurant?
Um... Yeah. Of course we do. We're bound to...
Essentially having the same conversation
in every place we go to.
We start out being a bit awkward with each other,
have a little bit of wine, exchange a few frivolities.
Loosen up, enjoying each other's company.
To enjoy each other's company, have a bit more wine,
get cantankerous. Yeah.
And... Pick faults with each other.
Pick faults with each other, and it descends into a kind of a...
sort of a bitter, unhappy end to the meal.
It's a little haggis. Yeah?
Anyone ever asks you to go on a haggis hunt,
be careful what you say.
They've taken you for a fool.
Taken you for a fool.
As a bloody fool. There's no such thing as a haggis hunt.
I just imagined myself pointing my knife upside down,
and just pressing my head onto it.
Desperate to be taken seriously, aren't you? No.
You can't treat your entire life like a Radio 4 panel show.
Buzz. Yes, you can.
Alex James said he celebrated his 20th birthday with alcohol,
his 30th with drugs, and his 40th with food.
Is that how it is for you?
Um...
Well, don't you find it exhausting,
still running around, going to parties and chasing girls...
I don't run around and go to parties and chase girls.
You do. You chase girls. I don't chase them.
You make me sound like Benny Hill.
But don't you find all that exhausting at your age?
No. Do you find it exhausting looking after a baby?
Yes, I do. Yeah, well...
Everything's exhausting when you're past 40.
Everything's exhausting at our age.
Right, after this we're gonna go duck, lamb.
Oh, dear. A rather miserly portion.
A mouse has taken a shit on your plate.
Here is Petit Langue champagne cheese.
Wensleydale local cheese. Wensleydale.
Cracking cheese, Gromit.
Let me just say your eyes match your neckerchief perfectly.
Thank you. Please don't press charges.
There's a fine line between pleasantries...
And sexual harassment, and that's the line that you have...
Thank you very much. Thank you very much. Thank you.
What a charming girl!
What a charming girl. What a charming girl.
James Mason is from Yorkshire.
Occasionally you can hear his vowel sounds,
very flat vowel sounds, when he speaks.
Wallace is probably... Go to your room or I shall beat you.
Are you still doing James Mason? No, I'm speaking to you directly.
Can I have my cheese first? Yes. Thank you.
Put your tongue to the cracker.
I raise it slowly to me mouth,
wondering if it will fulfil the promise of cheese gone by.
At Leeds Grammar. Oh, ma'am. Oh, Allan.
And it did.
And now, as I look back, Dudley and Peter...
Dudley, elfin sexuality.
Jonathan, that much clever than Peter, Dudley and I.
'Peter, Dudley and me.' Peter, Dudley and me. Sorry.
Not 'Peter, Dudley and I'.
The cheese evoking memories of...
I was hoping that that interjection
might curtail your Alan Bennett odyssey.
Oh, no. Not at all.
The cracker found under the sofa.
'Cracker, the cracker.' Who talks like that? 'The cracker.'
Scousers. Yeah. Fuckin' Scousers.
'Khome 'ere, khome here with the khracker.'
They don't say 'khome'. 'Khome here with your crackers.'
They don't say 'khome here'. Fuck yer crackers.
'Don't fukhing crush your khrackers at me.'
The 'kh', that's what the Welsh do, all that 'kh'.
They don't want the Scousers talking. I met Steven Gerrard once.
'Alright, how you doing? Alright?' I knew nothing about football.
I met Paul McCartney once.
Not just listing Liverpudlians I've met. I met him. He's a footballer.
Not listing my names. Just saying I'm met Paul McCartney. Good.
I'm envious.
Too much cheese. You can say that again.
That should be the name of your autobiography - Too Much Cheese.
Yeah, and yours should be Sticky Toffee Pudding.
Well, that's devastating. I'm devastated.
That was lovely, thank you. Delightful.
He's made light work of that, hasn't he?
Short shrift. Bit Trevor Eve.
Friday at nine, on BBC1.
Can we have the bill please? Yes, of course.
I'm tired now. Go right to sleep. I think you should.
Thank you, Terry.
There'll be more from Terry same time tomorrow.
Right. The Doobie Brothers.
What a fool believes? This fool believes any old nonsense.
- Your bill, gentlemen. - Thank you very much.
What does it say? Are you excited?
And the winner is... Holbeck Ghyll. £140.30.
Holbeck Ghyll. Holbeck Ghyll.
Hello, my name's Holbeck Ghyll.
Hello. My name's Holbeck Ghyll.
You might remember me. Remember me from Follyfoot.
Now I'm here to tell you about a wonderful new walk-in bath.
And softly, softly.
I once played an elderly gentleman with a concussion in Holby City.
But I was cut out.
And I remember I played an elderly gentleman
who was wrongly accused of being a paedophile.
That was important to me that he was 'wrongly accused'.
Very important to me. I said I don't mind being a paedophile,
as long as he's WRONGLY accused.
If you're over 50... If you're over 150.
If you're over 150, if you're worried about intruders,
then turn your semi-detached house into Fort Knox...
with my aluminium blinds.
And look at my razor wire. Look at them. Brrr-clang!
You know, a small child of 12 tried to enter my garden the other day,
and went away with lacerations to his hands and wrists,
thanks to my razor wire and shards of glass. Illegal. Can't do that.
I know it's illegal, but I don't care.
I'll do what I can to keep the little shits off my property.
I'm Holbeck Ghyll. Goodnight.
Hi, Emma.
Hey, are you alright? Yeah, I got a missed call.
Yeah, I was just phoning to remind you about the photographer.
She's gonna meet you at Hipping Hall tomorrow.
OK. Well... hang on. A photographer?
Yeah, for the photos for the article?
We talked about it in the office, remember?
Yeah, it's on my itinerary. OK, yeah. OK.
Her name's Yolanda, by the way.
I'm gonna come up with her tomorrow, so you'll see me then.
If you need anything in the meantime, just give me a shout.
Yes, miss. OK. I'll talk to you soon. Thanks.
So I'll see you tomorrow then, yeah? Yeah, see you tomorrow.
Good. Take care.
OK, bye. Bye.
Aha!
Do you remember The Seekers? Yeah.
£ Rockin', rollin', ridin' £ All along the bay
£ Something, something £ Morning town
£ Many miles away. £
Kind of processed cheese version of real '60s music.
I remember friends of my parents had Bridge Over Troubled Water,
and I remember thinking, 'Whoa!' Cool. Yeah.
Wings At The Speed Of Sound. That would've been very racy.
Cliff Richard, not black technically, but in his soul. Yeah.
I assume you're being ironic.
Look at this, magnificent.
This is Langdale. You know what that means?
It means 'long valley' in Viking.
This would have... Oh!
All this was formed in the last ice age,
about 10,000 years ago.
Incredible, isn't it?
How far are we gonna go? A little bit further.
Because it's late. I know. I know.
As you can see, the sun's now on the other side of the...
Hello. It's OK. Hello.
Human history has been recorded for, what, 3,000 years?
And yet, you know, right now, we're in a warm period,
but there's gonna be another ice age very soon,
in about, say, another 3,000 years, but that's the blink of an eye.
The rocks here were formed 400 million years ago.
It's like... where we are now, this was a huge volcanic caldera.
This was a volcanic lake of molten volcano,
and it was on a land mass called Avalonia
that drifted from the South Pole all the way to where we are now
over hundreds of million years.
We shouldn't probably go much further just because of the light.
It's... isn't that beautiful, that? Yeah.
I think it always looks more beautiful in the mist.
It's like a... It's like a Turner painting.
Let me get two tickets for Dove Cottage.
I'm really sorry, sir, but the last admission is five o'clock.
Right, OK, well, it's five past.
I'm really sorry, sir, but these are the rules.
We'll be very quick.
Yes, I know, but that really wouldn't be fair
on all the other latecomers.
So what other latecomers? I've not seen anyone.
No, I know. Not at the moment, but...
Please? We've come from London. Why didn't you come earlier?
Well, that's... because I got stuck in traffic.
Well, I'm really sorry. Perhaps you could come back tomorrow.
Is this man troubling you?
We wondered if we could pop inside and have a look at the cottage.
Mr Brydon? Yes, it is.
It's very nice to meet you. Would you do something for me?
Depends what it is.
I have a grandson, and he loves that tiny man...
Small man in a box? Small man in the box that you do.
Could you sign this for him? Sure. Yeah.
Thank you. Thank you. What's his name?
His name is William.
Well, look, I'll sign this for William, OK, if...
if my friend and I can go take a look at Dove Cottage.
What do you say?
I don't understand that. Why do people have to be like that?
She wasn't being like anything.
It is only open for another half an hour,
and that woman, in all fairness, is probably bereaved.
Yeah, but why... it's not my fault her husband's dead.
No, but you...
Old people, at some time... not all old people,
but a lot of them... seek out aggravation.
Oh, that's total rubbish! She was lovely.
Looks not unlike yourself in that picture.
OK, ready? One, two...
Want some? Uh, no, thank you.
Sure? Absolutely.
I never smoked. Mm.
That's the trouble with you, Rob. You're not open to new experiences.
Phht! I would remind you of the time I had a Red Bull and Coke.
That's not what Coleridge would have been imbibing.
He wouldn't have been having a spliff, would he?
No, he wouldn't, but I mean, if they'd been around...
He would have definitely partaken if they'd been around.
If you really want to pay tribute to him,
you should be having some opium.
What, that's... Or its modern-day equivalent.
This is... well, this is...
Well, no, the modern-day equivalent of that, that's heroin.
Yeah, that's what I'm saying. I'm not a junkie, Rob.
I'm not encouraging you to become hooked on heroin.
I'm just saying... It sounds like you are.
I'm not. Why would I do that? I don't know. For a laugh.
Ha-ha. It was a hell of a laugh.
Alright. You know Steve? You seen Steve lately?
He's living at the council estate curled up in his own shit.
Aye. That was my doing, that was. I suggested he try heroin.
Cracking idea. I would never do that.
Most creative people... the most creative people smoke, you know,
smoke marijuana, smoke hash.
So I'm tucked up in bed in my pyjamas,
my flaccid member
brushing up against Coleridge's soft cotton sheets,
waiting to be awoken by a dusky maiden at the end of the phone.
I need somewhere warm to put my hand.
Well, I'll give you somewhere warm to put your hands.
Yes, I'll be a human mitten.
Hello, I'm trapped in a box.
Help. I'm a little man... Help. I'm a little man in a box.
Help me, I'm a little man trapped in a box.