1
00:00:03,755 --> 00:00:06,723
Oh, hiya. How are you?
Good, good. Listen.

2
00:00:06,739 --> 00:00:10,715
Are you free next week to go away?
Where?

3
00:00:10,731 --> 00:00:12,711
It's kind of a tour,
tour of the north.

4
00:00:12,727 --> 00:00:14,171
Restaurant tour.
Really good restaurants.

5
00:00:14,194 --> 00:00:16,190
Right. Why me?

6
00:00:16,206 --> 00:00:19,186
Mischa can't come
and I don't want to go alone.

7
00:00:19,202 --> 00:00:24,146
I've asked other people,
but they're all too busy.

8
00:00:24,162 --> 00:00:27,210
It's a job. I'm not asking you to go
on holiday with me or anything weird.

9
00:00:28,126 --> 00:00:32,174
It's for the Observer magazine.
So... you know, do you wanna come?

10
00:00:38,134 --> 00:00:42,118
So I thought we'd take the B-5278
along the west bank of Windermere.

11
00:00:42,130 --> 00:00:43,174
Then when we get to Rydal,

12
00:00:43,190 --> 00:00:46,134
we're gonna take the A591
up to Keswick.

13
00:00:46,150 --> 00:00:50,170
I've printed out some reviews...
Oh, great. Oh, that's good.

14
00:00:50,186 --> 00:00:53,146
For L'enclume,
and basically, with L'enclume,

15
00:00:53,158 --> 00:00:54,194
you can say whatever you want,

16
00:00:54,210 --> 00:00:58,154
because it goes from
the terrible to the wonderful.

17
00:00:58,166 --> 00:00:59,210
Victor Lewis-Smith.

18
00:01:00,126 --> 00:01:04,114
Um... 'Never mind all the talk
of inventiveness and variety,

19
00:01:04,130 --> 00:01:06,170
the result was as formulaic
as McDonald's,

20
00:01:06,186 --> 00:01:09,158
with the same splatter
of Technicolor bird shit

21
00:01:09,170 --> 00:01:10,206
on every plate.'

22
00:01:11,122 --> 00:01:12,182
Then...
That's a bit unkind.

23
00:01:12,194 --> 00:01:15,178
Giles Coren in The Times.

24
00:01:15,194 --> 00:01:18,142
'Love is not strong enough
to describe what I felt

25
00:01:18,154 --> 00:01:20,142
about L'enclume in Cartmel.

26
00:01:20,158 --> 00:01:23,142
I am breathless
with admiration, respect,

27
00:01:23,158 --> 00:01:26,202
and awe for the skill,
imagination and restraint

28
00:01:27,118 --> 00:01:29,186
of the 20-odd plates
of Simon Rogan's food

29
00:01:29,198 --> 00:01:31,182
that I ate in my two visits.'

30
00:01:31,194 --> 00:01:33,130
Two-thirds of the way through that,

31
00:01:33,146 --> 00:01:35,130
you were thinking of doing
Anthony Hopkins, weren't you?

32
00:01:35,146 --> 00:01:36,178
Yes.
Yeah, I heard it.

33
00:01:36,194 --> 00:01:38,198
I heard it in your voice.
Are you glad I didn't?

34
00:01:39,114 --> 00:01:41,134
I am glad you didn't.
I admire your restraint.

35
00:01:41,150 --> 00:01:42,182
'I was dazzled,

36
00:01:42,198 --> 00:01:45,166
blown away by the originality,
integrity and extravagance.

37
00:01:45,182 --> 00:01:48,194
I found it the best restaurant
experience over the years.

38
00:01:48,210 --> 00:01:51,150
Love is not strong enough to
describe what I felt about it!'

39
00:01:51,166 --> 00:01:54,182
Please, Christ. Restaurant I would
easily promise to honour and obey!

40
00:01:54,198 --> 00:01:57,146
I will honour you, sir! I will
honour you and the restaurant, sir!

41
00:02:03,178 --> 00:02:06,162
Alright. Alright. Jesus Christ.
It's so early, shouting like that.

42
00:02:06,178 --> 00:02:09,190
It's really horrible.
It's really unpleasant.

43
00:02:09,206 --> 00:02:12,130
He is when he does that, isn't he?
I know. I know.

44
00:02:12,142 --> 00:02:14,130
He is, and by default, you are.

45
00:02:14,146 --> 00:02:16,186
Well, yeah,
because I inhabit the role, sir.

46
00:02:16,202 --> 00:02:18,198
I'm not a turn, am I?
I inhabit the role.

47
00:02:19,114 --> 00:02:21,114
Yeah, no,
you're a real method actor. Yeah.

48
00:02:21,130 --> 00:02:23,134
You're right up there
with Pacino and...

49
00:02:23,150 --> 00:02:25,114
Oh, Christ, I better be careful
what I say.

50
00:02:25,130 --> 00:02:28,154
What do you got?
Hello, hello.

51
00:02:28,166 --> 00:02:31,170
There's method in my madness.

52
00:02:43,154 --> 00:02:45,162
Why are we self-catering?

53
00:02:45,178 --> 00:02:48,202
We thought we would go
and stay the night at Greta Hall

54
00:02:49,118 --> 00:02:51,206
when Mischa was gonna come
with me originally,

55
00:02:52,122 --> 00:02:53,206
because we thought
we could make love in the bed

56
00:02:54,122 --> 00:02:58,154
that Coleridge slept in
and made love in,

57
00:02:58,170 --> 00:03:03,142
and they would lend
a poetic, romantic frisson

58
00:03:03,154 --> 00:03:05,178
to our congress.

59
00:03:05,194 --> 00:03:08,178
Still be romantic,
just the two of us.

60
00:03:08,194 --> 00:03:10,202
We can be chummy.
Yeah, exactly, chummy.

61
00:03:11,118 --> 00:03:13,146
Yeah.
Chummy. Without the bum.

62
00:03:13,162 --> 00:03:16,114
Bumless chums.
Bumless chums.

63
00:03:22,162 --> 00:03:23,210
Very big, isn't it?

64
00:03:35,150 --> 00:03:37,202
Uh. Very nice.
Yeah.

65
00:03:39,174 --> 00:03:43,154
Robert Southey. Now who was he?
I thought Coleridge lived here.

66
00:03:43,170 --> 00:03:47,114
Yeah. I thought there'd be a...
Ah, look, there it is.

67
00:03:48,166 --> 00:03:51,150
'Samuel Taylor Coleridge
lived here...'

68
00:03:51,166 --> 00:03:53,118
Three years.
Not very long.

69
00:03:53,134 --> 00:03:55,122
You can hardly say it's Coleridge's
house, can you?

70
00:03:55,138 --> 00:03:57,122
Well, it's not how long
you live here,

71
00:03:57,134 --> 00:03:59,146
it's the significance of who you are.

72
00:03:59,162 --> 00:04:01,206
I mean, if I lived with you for...
I don't know, six months,

73
00:04:02,122 --> 00:04:04,166
when I die, there'll be a plaque
on the house saying,

74
00:04:04,182 --> 00:04:09,166
'Steve Coogan lived here
from 2010 to 2011' or something.

75
00:04:10,206 --> 00:04:13,186
Coleridge left quite quickly
after he moved here,

76
00:04:13,202 --> 00:04:18,142
so Robert Southey had his wife
and Coleridge's wife,

77
00:04:18,158 --> 00:04:22,158
and another Fricker sister
living here, plus the children.

78
00:04:22,174 --> 00:04:25,158
So he was the only man
looking after all these children,

79
00:04:25,170 --> 00:04:27,178
and the wives as well.

80
00:04:27,190 --> 00:04:29,186
So he, you know, he had to...

81
00:04:29,202 --> 00:04:32,162
'Cause Coleridge was off
on his travels.

82
00:04:32,178 --> 00:04:34,122
Couldn't cope with
the domesticity of life.

83
00:04:34,134 --> 00:04:35,170
He found it very difficult.

84
00:04:35,186 --> 00:04:37,138
He found it very hard
to be creative.

85
00:04:37,150 --> 00:04:39,114
Yes, yes.

86
00:04:39,130 --> 00:04:40,178
There's bells ringing
all over the place here.

87
00:04:40,190 --> 00:04:42,170
He came back though, didn't he?

88
00:04:42,186 --> 00:04:45,194
Periodically, he would come back
and visit, uh-huh. Hmm.

89
00:04:45,210 --> 00:04:47,206
We don't think... well,
there isn't very much evidence

90
00:04:48,122 --> 00:04:50,202
that he actually had sent any
money back, which is a bit tricky.

91
00:04:51,118 --> 00:04:54,142
I'm very consistent
with my maintenance, Rob.

92
00:04:54,158 --> 00:04:56,122
Oh no, you are.
I would never say anything.

93
00:04:56,138 --> 00:04:58,162
In case you wanted to draw
a parallel there.

94
00:04:58,178 --> 00:05:01,138
So this was Coleridge's study.
Wow.

95
00:05:01,154 --> 00:05:03,198
And possibly his bedroom as well.
Hey.

96
00:05:04,114 --> 00:05:08,118
He would, like... probably had
opium in here maybe.

97
00:05:08,130 --> 00:05:10,126
Um... Possibly laudanum,

98
00:05:10,142 --> 00:05:11,206
because that's what they
were taking at that time,

99
00:05:12,122 --> 00:05:14,142
initially as a painkiller,
but then perhaps he would...

100
00:05:14,154 --> 00:05:16,138
Well, he did become addicted to it.

101
00:05:16,154 --> 00:05:20,206
Would you like me to tell you about
Holbeck Ghyll? Yes.

102
00:05:21,118 --> 00:05:23,190
'Charming, Victorian hunting lodge

103
00:05:23,206 --> 00:05:26,206
with pleasant gardens
and stunning views.

104
00:05:27,118 --> 00:05:29,146
Individually decorated bedrooms

105
00:05:29,162 --> 00:05:33,162
combine country-house style
with a contemporary edge.'

106
00:05:33,174 --> 00:05:34,210
That's how I think of myself.

107
00:05:35,126 --> 00:05:37,150
If I was a house,
I'd like to be a country house,

108
00:05:37,166 --> 00:05:41,122
but with a contemporary edge.
'Cooking is confident and precise.

109
00:05:41,138 --> 00:05:45,142
Appealing menus are complemented
by an exceptional wine list.'

110
00:05:45,154 --> 00:05:47,170
Yeah.

111
00:05:57,126 --> 00:06:01,158
Oh, hey. Look at that. See that?
Beautiful.

112
00:06:01,170 --> 00:06:03,166
You can't paint that.

113
00:06:03,182 --> 00:06:07,122
Well... Well, you could,
but it'd be a bit rubbish.

114
00:06:07,134 --> 00:06:08,194
Probably sell it for about 25 quid

115
00:06:08,210 --> 00:06:10,210
in one of the tourist shops
around here.

116
00:06:11,122 --> 00:06:12,158
Fuck.

117
00:06:14,162 --> 00:06:18,122
Why do you do that, eh? Why?
You know it's physically impossible?

118
00:06:20,146 --> 00:06:24,114
Oh! My back.

119
00:06:26,162 --> 00:06:28,122
Are you ready to order?
Yes, please.

120
00:06:28,138 --> 00:06:29,174
Um... Shall I go first?
Yep.

121
00:06:29,190 --> 00:06:32,142
Could I have the scallops
to start, please?

122
00:06:32,158 --> 00:06:35,114
And then I'll have the pigeon
as the main course.

123
00:06:35,130 --> 00:06:38,202
I will have the rabbit, please,
followed by the lamb.

124
00:06:39,118 --> 00:06:41,210
Thank you. Nice image,
rabbit following a lamb.

125
00:06:42,126 --> 00:06:45,166
That's a bit weird. Rob.
A bit weird.

126
00:06:45,178 --> 00:06:47,158
Oh, yeah.

127
00:06:47,174 --> 00:06:49,138
Can we have a knife
for the butter please,

128
00:06:49,154 --> 00:06:52,126
and a rolled-up £20 note
for the salt? Thank you.

129
00:06:52,138 --> 00:06:53,206
Gentlemen, your wines.

130
00:06:54,122 --> 00:06:56,190
The Cheverny
and the Chablis Premier Cru.

131
00:06:56,206 --> 00:07:02,126
Ah, marvellous. Premier Cru.
I know that that means it's good.

132
00:07:02,142 --> 00:07:04,202
Premier Cru.
Premier, first, the best.

133
00:07:05,114 --> 00:07:06,150
Cru?

134
00:07:08,150 --> 00:07:10,210
Don't know.

135
00:07:11,122 --> 00:07:13,122
Mystery. Mystery. But that's good.

136
00:07:13,138 --> 00:07:15,134
It's good to have mystery
about these things.

137
00:07:15,150 --> 00:07:18,190
It's a premier. That's good.
It's the first of something.

138
00:07:18,202 --> 00:07:20,210
Would you like to try, gentlemen?

139
00:07:21,126 --> 00:07:23,150
Do you wanna try?
Yes, please.

140
00:07:24,198 --> 00:07:26,166
Thank you.

141
00:07:30,154 --> 00:07:32,150
That's fine.

142
00:07:37,134 --> 00:07:40,122
Now 11 and 5.

143
00:07:41,154 --> 00:07:45,166
Sorry?

144
00:07:45,182 --> 00:07:47,202
What is it, sorry?

145
00:07:48,118 --> 00:07:49,198
Pumpkin and gruyere.
Gruyere?

146
00:07:50,114 --> 00:07:51,154
Gruyere.
Cheese. Thank you very much.

147
00:07:51,166 --> 00:07:53,118
Thank you. Thank you very much.

148
00:07:53,134 --> 00:07:56,142
She's lovely, wasn't she?
Very sweet. Nice disposition.

149
00:07:56,158 --> 00:07:58,210
Imagine her on an Alpine hillside
herding goats.

150
00:08:01,118 --> 00:08:05,182
Hm. Ah, it's delicious.
Taste it. Isn't that lovely?

151
00:08:08,122 --> 00:08:11,154
Oh, that is... that...
ah, tremendous. Good Lord!

152
00:08:11,170 --> 00:08:13,190
Hmm.
Hmm.

153
00:08:13,202 --> 00:08:16,122
My bouche is amused.

154
00:08:16,138 --> 00:08:18,186
Yeah. Can you not look
right into my eyes when you taste it?

155
00:08:18,202 --> 00:08:22,210
You look weird.
Hmm. Oh, Steve.

156
00:08:23,122 --> 00:08:24,198
That's lovely.

157
00:08:26,158 --> 00:08:29,194
I don't fancy my chances
of sleeping in Coleridge's house.

158
00:08:29,210 --> 00:08:31,206
I'm bad enough
in a really good hotel.

159
00:08:32,122 --> 00:08:35,170
Because I like the smells of home,
just the home smells.

160
00:08:35,182 --> 00:08:37,198
I'm like an animal in that sense.

161
00:08:38,114 --> 00:08:41,182
What? Like a mouse?
Like a lion.

162
00:08:41,194 --> 00:08:44,146
If he strays far from the pride,

163
00:08:44,162 --> 00:08:48,142
he yearns for the smell
of his lady lion, his she-lion.

164
00:08:48,158 --> 00:08:51,134
Let's change the subject, mate,
please, for Chrissakes.

165
00:08:53,206 --> 00:08:55,198
Oh, hang on. Sorry. Let me finish.

166
00:08:58,134 --> 00:09:01,206
Oh, my God! Oh, Rob. Please, please.

167
00:09:04,202 --> 00:09:07,166
Thank you very much.
Thank you very much, thank you.

168
00:09:07,182 --> 00:09:11,178
OK, service.
Table six, scallops. Lovely.

169
00:09:12,202 --> 00:09:14,178
This is Hazlett on Coleridge.

170
00:09:14,194 --> 00:09:19,190
'All that he had done of moment
he had done 20 years ago.

171
00:09:19,206 --> 00:09:23,170
Since then, he maybe is said to live
on the sound of his own voice.

172
00:09:23,186 --> 00:09:26,166
He is a general lover
of art and science.' That's true.

173
00:09:26,182 --> 00:09:28,134
'And wedded to no-one
in particular.'

174
00:09:28,150 --> 00:09:30,206
OK, it's about me.
I didn't realise, but carry on.

175
00:09:31,122 --> 00:09:34,126
'He pursues knowledge
as a mistress.' OK.

176
00:09:34,142 --> 00:09:36,166
'It was not to be supposed
that Mr Coleridge could keep on

177
00:09:36,182 --> 00:09:39,114
at the rate he set off.'
Aha!

178
00:09:39,130 --> 00:09:41,182
'He could not realise all...'
Is that written down?

179
00:09:41,198 --> 00:09:44,114
'And less could not fix
his desultory ambition.

180
00:09:44,130 --> 00:09:47,206
Other stimulants
supplied the place...'

181
00:09:48,122 --> 00:09:49,182
Careful, you were going
to Jimmy Saville then,

182
00:09:49,194 --> 00:09:51,142
but I'll let it go.

183
00:09:51,158 --> 00:09:55,182
'Other stimulants supplied
the place and kept up

184
00:09:55,198 --> 00:09:58,206
the intoxicating dream,
the fever, and the madness

185
00:09:59,118 --> 00:10:01,126
of his early impressions.'

186
00:10:01,138 --> 00:10:04,114
Right. I don't do impressions.

187
00:10:04,130 --> 00:10:07,162
I'm saying that it can be hard
to have a big success.

188
00:10:07,178 --> 00:10:11,142
Bob Balaban said, 'Never be hot.
Always be warm.'

189
00:10:11,158 --> 00:10:14,198
And a lot of the people that
are thought of as great had pfff...

190
00:10:14,210 --> 00:10:16,146
supernova moments.

191
00:10:16,158 --> 00:10:17,210
Where do you go from there?

192
00:10:18,122 --> 00:10:20,126
Well, it's difficult, you know,

193
00:10:20,142 --> 00:10:22,206
once you've achieved greatness,
to match that.

194
00:10:23,118 --> 00:10:24,154
I imagine it is.

195
00:10:24,166 --> 00:10:26,158
Yeah, and you'll always imagine,

196
00:10:26,174 --> 00:10:28,178
because it's not a problem
you'll ever have to contend with.

197
00:10:28,194 --> 00:10:30,170
But that's not
a problem for me, why?

198
00:10:30,182 --> 00:10:32,118
I'd rather be me than you,

199
00:10:32,134 --> 00:10:35,186
because I'd rather have
these moments of genius,

200
00:10:35,202 --> 00:10:41,158
than... than... than a lifetime
of mediocrity.

201
00:10:41,170 --> 00:10:43,206
My career is not mediocre.

202
00:10:45,166 --> 00:10:47,126
OK, that's good. Two crab,
rabbit, scallops.

203
00:10:49,134 --> 00:10:51,166
Doesn't matter about the thyme.

204
00:10:51,182 --> 00:10:53,146
Scallops.
Thank you very much.

205
00:10:53,162 --> 00:10:55,122
Thank you.
Scallops. Thanks.

206
00:10:55,134 --> 00:10:56,170
Golly. Thank you.

207
00:10:56,186 --> 00:10:58,118
Enjoy it.
Thank you very much.

208
00:10:59,150 --> 00:11:02,190
I always think of Coleridge as sort
of a Richard Burton-type character.

209
00:11:02,206 --> 00:11:05,170
In Xanadu did Kubla Kahn

210
00:11:05,186 --> 00:11:09,206
a stately pleasure-dome decree,
where Alph, the sacred river, ran

211
00:11:10,122 --> 00:11:15,210
through caverns measureless
to man down to a soundless sea.

212
00:11:16,126 --> 00:11:17,182
I'm very impressed with that.
You shocked me.

213
00:11:17,198 --> 00:11:20,162
'Cause I would have thought
that you would have preferred

214
00:11:20,178 --> 00:11:22,146
Olivia Newton-John's
version of Xanadu.

215
00:11:22,162 --> 00:11:26,150
I think both Newton-John
and Coleridge

216
00:11:26,166 --> 00:11:29,198
tackled the subject of Xanadu
with varying degrees of success.

217
00:11:29,210 --> 00:11:32,126
They call it Xanadu.

218
00:11:32,142 --> 00:11:34,158
Yes.
Xanadu.

219
00:11:34,170 --> 00:11:38,170
Xaaaanadu. In Xanadu.

220
00:11:38,186 --> 00:11:42,162
- Ably abetted by...
- Jeff Lynne

221
00:11:42,178 --> 00:11:44,146
Of...
The Electric Light Orchestra.

222
00:11:44,162 --> 00:11:48,206
Electric Light Orchestra.
The Electric Light Orchestra.

223
00:11:49,122 --> 00:11:52,122
First one, pigeon, lamb encore,
followed by duck, lamb encore.

224
00:11:56,142 --> 00:11:58,158
Wordsworth took his time.
He was a plodder.

225
00:11:58,170 --> 00:12:00,154
He took his time, then steady...

226
00:12:00,170 --> 00:12:02,170
Yes, he was. It's the tortoise
and the hare.

227
00:12:02,186 --> 00:12:05,150
Do you see yourself as a hare?
Yeah, I'm happy to be a hare.

228
00:12:05,166 --> 00:12:08,182
Tortoise is happier than the hare.
Yeah, but they're boring.

229
00:12:08,198 --> 00:12:11,170
Hares go... you know,
zoom, zoom, zoom!

230
00:12:11,186 --> 00:12:14,122
I'd rather be a tortoise.
The tortoise wins at the end.

231
00:12:14,134 --> 00:12:16,122
Yeah, that's true.

232
00:12:16,138 --> 00:12:18,142
- Thank you very much.
- Top up?

233
00:12:18,158 --> 00:12:21,170
Yes, I like drinking wine.

234
00:12:21,186 --> 00:12:26,190
We'll just
plate up here and we'll...

235
00:12:26,206 --> 00:12:29,134
'Better to burn out than fade away.'
Neil Young.

236
00:12:29,150 --> 00:12:31,182
'One small leap for man.'
Neil Armstrong.

237
00:12:31,194 --> 00:12:33,166
'One small leap for man'?

238
00:12:33,182 --> 00:12:36,194
It was actually 'one small step for
man, one giant leap for mankind'.

239
00:12:36,206 --> 00:12:38,198
But it was meant to be 'a man'.

240
00:12:39,114 --> 00:12:44,134
He got it wrong. He got his lines
wrong. He hadn't thought it through.

241
00:12:46,182 --> 00:12:48,130
Thank you very much.

242
00:12:52,198 --> 00:12:55,158
I don't need the nod and the wink.
I don't it every time.

243
00:12:55,174 --> 00:12:58,150
Well, you know what?
OK, yeah. Don't do that.

244
00:12:58,166 --> 00:13:01,182
No, I'm saying I won't do that.
I'm going... I won't do it.

245
00:13:04,170 --> 00:13:06,126
Service.

246
00:13:09,122 --> 00:13:12,134
Thank you. Pigeon...
Golly, that does look nice.

247
00:13:12,150 --> 00:13:14,134
That looks lovely. What is that?
Pigeon.

248
00:13:14,150 --> 00:13:16,122
Really?
Yeah. Golly.

249
00:13:16,138 --> 00:13:19,126
Don't want to sit there
watching you cooing over it.

250
00:13:19,142 --> 00:13:22,118
What have you got?
I have lamb.

251
00:13:23,170 --> 00:13:25,178
Thank you.
Um...

252
00:13:25,194 --> 00:13:31,162
Farewell to the white wine.
Hello to our old friend, the red.

253
00:13:34,190 --> 00:13:40,122
Mmm. That's nice. That's very nice.

254
00:13:40,138 --> 00:13:42,210
Do you think we just have the same
conversation in every restaurant?

255
00:13:43,126 --> 00:13:44,190
Um... Yeah. Of course we do.
We're bound to...

256
00:13:44,206 --> 00:13:46,150
Essentially having
the same conversation

257
00:13:46,162 --> 00:13:47,206
in every place we go to.

258
00:13:48,122 --> 00:13:51,166
We start out being a bit awkward
with each other,

259
00:13:51,182 --> 00:13:54,190
have a little bit of wine,
exchange a few frivolities.

260
00:13:54,206 --> 00:13:56,154
Loosen up,
enjoying each other's company.

261
00:13:56,170 --> 00:13:58,162
To enjoy each other's company,
have a bit more wine,

262
00:13:58,178 --> 00:14:00,114
get cantankerous.
Yeah.

263
00:14:00,130 --> 00:14:01,186
And...
Pick faults with each other.

264
00:14:01,202 --> 00:14:05,114
Pick faults with each other,
and it descends into a kind of a...

265
00:14:05,130 --> 00:14:08,122
sort of a bitter, unhappy end
to the meal.

266
00:14:10,194 --> 00:14:13,118
It's a little haggis.
Yeah?

267
00:14:14,170 --> 00:14:16,170
Anyone ever asks you
to go on a haggis hunt,

268
00:14:16,182 --> 00:14:18,118
be careful what you say.

269
00:14:18,134 --> 00:14:19,198
They've taken you for a fool.

270
00:14:19,210 --> 00:14:21,146
Taken you for a fool.

271
00:14:22,178 --> 00:14:26,150
As a bloody fool. There's no
such thing as a haggis hunt.

272
00:14:32,134 --> 00:14:34,142
I just imagined myself
pointing my knife upside down,

273
00:14:34,154 --> 00:14:36,142
and just pressing my head onto it.

274
00:14:37,170 --> 00:14:39,182
Desperate to be taken seriously,
aren't you? No.

275
00:14:39,198 --> 00:14:44,126
You can't treat your entire life
like a Radio 4 panel show.

276
00:14:44,142 --> 00:14:47,154
Buzz. Yes, you can.

277
00:14:47,170 --> 00:14:52,166
Alex James said he celebrated
his 20th birthday with alcohol,

278
00:14:52,182 --> 00:14:56,178
his 30th with drugs,
and his 40th with food.

279
00:14:56,190 --> 00:14:58,126
Is that how it is for you?

280
00:14:58,138 --> 00:14:59,178
Um...

281
00:15:02,118 --> 00:15:03,166
Well, don't you find it exhausting,

282
00:15:03,182 --> 00:15:07,122
still running around, going
to parties and chasing girls...

283
00:15:07,138 --> 00:15:09,146
I don't run around and go to parties
and chase girls.

284
00:15:09,162 --> 00:15:12,166
You do. You chase girls.
I don't chase them.

285
00:15:12,178 --> 00:15:14,142
You make me sound like Benny Hill.

286
00:15:14,158 --> 00:15:16,150
But don't you find all that
exhausting at your age?

287
00:15:16,166 --> 00:15:19,154
No. Do you find it exhausting
looking after a baby?

288
00:15:19,170 --> 00:15:21,190
Yes, I do.
Yeah, well...

289
00:15:23,146 --> 00:15:25,198
Everything's exhausting
when you're past 40.

290
00:15:28,202 --> 00:15:30,154
Everything's exhausting at our age.

291
00:15:38,134 --> 00:15:42,114
Right, after this
we're gonna go duck, lamb.

292
00:15:44,162 --> 00:15:48,122
Oh, dear. A rather miserly portion.

293
00:15:48,138 --> 00:15:50,118
A mouse has taken a shit
on your plate.

294
00:15:51,138 --> 00:15:54,162
Here is Petit Langue
champagne cheese.

295
00:15:54,178 --> 00:15:57,158
Wensleydale local cheese.
Wensleydale.

296
00:15:57,174 --> 00:15:59,162
Cracking cheese, Gromit.

297
00:15:59,178 --> 00:16:02,134
Let me just say your eyes match
your neckerchief perfectly.

298
00:16:02,150 --> 00:16:05,118
Thank you.
Please don't press charges.

299
00:16:06,170 --> 00:16:09,174
There's a fine line
between pleasantries...

300
00:16:09,190 --> 00:16:11,206
And sexual harassment, and that's
the line that you have...

301
00:16:12,122 --> 00:16:14,150
Thank you very much.
Thank you very much. Thank you.

302
00:16:14,166 --> 00:16:16,130
What a charming girl!

303
00:16:16,146 --> 00:16:18,122
What a charming girl.
What a charming girl.

304
00:16:18,134 --> 00:16:20,122
James Mason is from Yorkshire.

305
00:16:20,138 --> 00:16:22,142
Occasionally you can hear
his vowel sounds,

306
00:16:22,158 --> 00:16:24,158
very flat vowel sounds,
when he speaks.

307
00:16:24,174 --> 00:16:27,154
Wallace is probably...
Go to your room or I shall beat you.

308
00:16:27,170 --> 00:16:31,114
Are you still doing James Mason?
No, I'm speaking to you directly.

309
00:16:31,130 --> 00:16:33,170
Can I have my cheese first?
Yes. Thank you.

310
00:16:33,186 --> 00:16:36,166
Put your tongue to the cracker.

311
00:16:36,178 --> 00:16:38,170
I raise it slowly to me mouth,

312
00:16:38,186 --> 00:16:42,122
wondering if it will fulfil
the promise of cheese gone by.

313
00:16:42,138 --> 00:16:45,122
At Leeds Grammar.
Oh, ma'am. Oh, Allan.

314
00:16:45,134 --> 00:16:46,170
And it did.

315
00:16:46,186 --> 00:16:50,130
And now, as I look back,
Dudley and Peter...

316
00:16:50,142 --> 00:16:52,170
Dudley, elfin sexuality.

317
00:16:52,186 --> 00:16:55,210
Jonathan, that much clever
than Peter, Dudley and I.

318
00:16:56,126 --> 00:16:59,142
'Peter, Dudley and me.'
Peter, Dudley and me. Sorry.

319
00:16:59,154 --> 00:17:00,190
Not 'Peter, Dudley and I'.

320
00:17:00,202 --> 00:17:03,122
The cheese evoking memories of...

321
00:17:03,134 --> 00:17:04,170
I was hoping that that interjection

322
00:17:04,186 --> 00:17:07,178
might curtail
your Alan Bennett odyssey.

323
00:17:07,190 --> 00:17:09,142
Oh, no. Not at all.

324
00:17:09,154 --> 00:17:12,126
The cracker found under the sofa.

325
00:17:12,142 --> 00:17:16,126
'Cracker, the cracker.'
Who talks like that? 'The cracker.'

326
00:17:16,142 --> 00:17:18,178
Scousers.
Yeah. Fuckin' Scousers.

327
00:17:18,194 --> 00:17:20,178
'Khome 'ere, khome here
with the khracker.'

328
00:17:20,194 --> 00:17:22,210
They don't say 'khome'.
'Khome here with your crackers.'

329
00:17:23,126 --> 00:17:25,134
They don't say 'khome here'.
Fuck yer crackers.

330
00:17:25,150 --> 00:17:27,170
'Don't fukhing crush your khrackers
at me.'

331
00:17:27,186 --> 00:17:30,126
The 'kh', that's what the Welsh do,
all that 'kh'.

332
00:17:30,142 --> 00:17:33,210
They don't want the Scousers
talking. I met Steven Gerrard once.

333
00:17:34,126 --> 00:17:36,202
'Alright, how you doing? Alright?'
I knew nothing about football.

334
00:17:37,114 --> 00:17:38,154
I met Paul McCartney once.

335
00:17:38,170 --> 00:17:42,118
Not just listing Liverpudlians I've
met. I met him. He's a footballer.

336
00:17:42,134 --> 00:17:45,114
Not listing my names. Just saying
I'm met Paul McCartney. Good.

337
00:17:45,126 --> 00:17:46,162
I'm envious.

338
00:17:49,154 --> 00:17:52,138
Too much cheese.
You can say that again.

339
00:17:53,190 --> 00:17:57,118
That should be the name of your
autobiography - Too Much Cheese.

340
00:17:57,134 --> 00:18:01,134
Yeah, and yours should be
Sticky Toffee Pudding.

341
00:18:01,150 --> 00:18:03,162
Well, that's devastating.
I'm devastated.

342
00:18:03,178 --> 00:18:05,166
That was lovely, thank you.
Delightful.

343
00:18:05,182 --> 00:18:07,138
He's made light work of that,
hasn't he?

344
00:18:07,154 --> 00:18:09,174
Short shrift.
Bit Trevor Eve.

345
00:18:09,186 --> 00:18:11,194
Friday at nine, on BBC1.

346
00:18:11,210 --> 00:18:14,206
Can we have the bill please?
Yes, of course.

347
00:18:15,122 --> 00:18:20,174
I'm tired now. Go right to sleep.
I think you should.

348
00:18:23,122 --> 00:18:24,186
Thank you, Terry.

349
00:18:24,202 --> 00:18:26,186
There'll be more from Terry
same time tomorrow.

350
00:18:26,198 --> 00:18:28,158
Right. The Doobie Brothers.

351
00:18:28,174 --> 00:18:31,158
What a fool believes? This fool
believes any old nonsense.

352
00:18:31,174 --> 00:18:35,118
- Your bill, gentlemen.
- Thank you very much.

353
00:18:35,134 --> 00:18:36,210
What does it say?
Are you excited?

354
00:18:37,126 --> 00:18:42,134
And the winner is... Holbeck Ghyll.
£140.30.

355
00:18:42,150 --> 00:18:44,138
Holbeck Ghyll.
Holbeck Ghyll.

356
00:18:44,154 --> 00:18:48,122
Holbeck Ghyll.
Hello, my name's Holbeck Ghyll.

357
00:18:48,134 --> 00:18:51,114
Hello. My name's Holbeck Ghyll.

358
00:18:51,130 --> 00:18:55,174
You might remember me.
Remember me from Follyfoot.

359
00:18:55,190 --> 00:18:58,126
Now I'm here to tell you about
a wonderful new walk-in bath.

360
00:18:58,138 --> 00:18:59,190
And softly, softly.

361
00:19:01,202 --> 00:19:05,142
I once played an elderly gentleman
with a concussion in Holby City.

362
00:19:05,154 --> 00:19:07,154
But I was cut out.

363
00:19:07,170 --> 00:19:10,146
And I remember I played
an elderly gentleman

364
00:19:10,162 --> 00:19:13,134
who was wrongly accused
of being a paedophile.

365
00:19:13,150 --> 00:19:16,162
That was important to me
that he was 'wrongly accused'.

366
00:19:16,178 --> 00:19:19,206
Very important to me. I said
I don't mind being a paedophile,

367
00:19:20,118 --> 00:19:22,162
as long as he's WRONGLY accused.

368
00:19:22,178 --> 00:19:26,186
If you're over 50...
If you're over 150.

369
00:19:26,202 --> 00:19:31,114
If you're over 150,
if you're worried about intruders,

370
00:19:31,130 --> 00:19:35,142
then turn your semi-detached house
into Fort Knox...

371
00:19:36,166 --> 00:19:38,138
with my aluminium blinds.

372
00:19:38,154 --> 00:19:43,114
And look at my razor wire.
Look at them. Brrr-clang!

373
00:19:43,130 --> 00:19:47,122
You know, a small child of 12 tried
to enter my garden the other day,

374
00:19:47,138 --> 00:19:50,154
and went away with lacerations
to his hands and wrists,

375
00:19:50,170 --> 00:19:54,178
thanks to my razor wire and shards
of glass. Illegal. Can't do that.

376
00:19:54,194 --> 00:19:56,198
I know it's illegal,
but I don't care.

377
00:19:57,114 --> 00:20:00,158
I'll do what I can to keep
the little shits off my property.

378
00:20:02,190 --> 00:20:05,150
I'm Holbeck Ghyll. Goodnight.

379
00:20:07,158 --> 00:20:09,186
Hi, Emma.

380
00:20:09,202 --> 00:20:12,134
Hey, are you alright?
Yeah, I got a missed call.

381
00:20:12,150 --> 00:20:15,186
Yeah, I was just phoning to remind
you about the photographer.

382
00:20:15,202 --> 00:20:17,162
She's gonna meet you
at Hipping Hall tomorrow.

383
00:20:17,178 --> 00:20:20,118
OK. Well... hang on.
A photographer?

384
00:20:20,134 --> 00:20:22,190
Yeah, for the photos
for the article?

385
00:20:22,206 --> 00:20:24,210
We talked about it
in the office, remember?

386
00:20:25,126 --> 00:20:27,190
Yeah, it's on my itinerary.
OK, yeah. OK.

387
00:20:27,202 --> 00:20:30,146
Her name's Yolanda, by the way.

388
00:20:30,162 --> 00:20:32,198
I'm gonna come up with her
tomorrow, so you'll see me then.

389
00:20:33,114 --> 00:20:35,190
If you need anything in
the meantime, just give me a shout.

390
00:20:35,206 --> 00:20:38,170
Yes, miss. OK. I'll talk to you soon.
Thanks.

391
00:20:38,186 --> 00:20:40,190
So I'll see you tomorrow then, yeah?
Yeah, see you tomorrow.

392
00:20:40,206 --> 00:20:42,138
Good.
Take care.

393
00:20:42,150 --> 00:20:43,186
OK, bye. Bye.

394
00:20:48,126 --> 00:20:50,146
Aha!

395
00:20:55,166 --> 00:20:57,114
Do you remember The Seekers?
Yeah.

396
00:20:58,122 --> 00:21:03,198
£ Rockin', rollin', ridin'
£ All along the bay

397
00:21:04,114 --> 00:21:07,118
£ Something, something
£ Morning town

398
00:21:07,130 --> 00:21:09,210
£ Many miles away. £

399
00:21:10,126 --> 00:21:14,146
Kind of processed cheese version
of real '60s music.

400
00:21:15,182 --> 00:21:18,158
I remember friends of my parents
had Bridge Over Troubled Water,

401
00:21:18,174 --> 00:21:21,130
and I remember thinking, 'Whoa!'
Cool. Yeah.

402
00:21:21,146 --> 00:21:24,138
Wings At The Speed Of Sound.
That would've been very racy.

403
00:21:24,154 --> 00:21:28,186
Cliff Richard, not black
technically, but in his soul. Yeah.

404
00:21:28,198 --> 00:21:31,166
I assume you're being ironic.

405
00:21:46,142 --> 00:21:48,170
Look at this, magnificent.

406
00:21:52,138 --> 00:21:55,142
This is Langdale.
You know what that means?

407
00:21:55,154 --> 00:21:57,210
It means 'long valley' in Viking.

408
00:21:58,126 --> 00:22:00,142
This would have...
Oh!

409
00:22:00,158 --> 00:22:02,170
All this was formed
in the last ice age,

410
00:22:02,182 --> 00:22:04,134
about 10,000 years ago.

411
00:22:04,146 --> 00:22:06,114
Incredible, isn't it?

412
00:22:06,130 --> 00:22:09,206
How far are we gonna go?
A little bit further.

413
00:22:10,122 --> 00:22:11,198
Because it's late.
I know. I know.

414
00:22:12,114 --> 00:22:14,158
As you can see, the sun's now
on the other side of the...

415
00:22:14,174 --> 00:22:16,162
Hello.
It's OK. Hello.

416
00:22:16,178 --> 00:22:22,118
Human history has been recorded
for, what, 3,000 years?

417
00:22:22,134 --> 00:22:24,210
And yet, you know, right now,
we're in a warm period,

418
00:22:25,126 --> 00:22:26,202
but there's gonna be another
ice age very soon,

419
00:22:27,118 --> 00:22:31,122
in about, say, another 3,000 years,
but that's the blink of an eye.

420
00:22:31,138 --> 00:22:34,198
The rocks here were formed
400 million years ago.

421
00:22:34,210 --> 00:22:36,158
400 million years ago.

422
00:22:36,174 --> 00:22:41,114
It's like... where we are now,
this was a huge volcanic caldera.

423
00:22:41,130 --> 00:22:43,182
This was a volcanic lake
of molten volcano,

424
00:22:43,198 --> 00:22:45,170
and it was on a land mass
called Avalonia

425
00:22:45,186 --> 00:22:48,150
that drifted from the South Pole
all the way to where we are now

426
00:22:48,162 --> 00:22:49,198
over hundreds of million years.

427
00:22:50,114 --> 00:22:53,142
We shouldn't probably go much
further just because of the light.

428
00:23:03,130 --> 00:23:07,202
It's... isn't that beautiful, that?
Yeah.

429
00:23:08,118 --> 00:23:10,190
I think it always looks
more beautiful in the mist.

430
00:23:13,170 --> 00:23:16,210
It's like a...
It's like a Turner painting.

431
00:23:38,138 --> 00:23:41,122
Let me get two tickets
for Dove Cottage.

432
00:23:41,138 --> 00:23:46,122
I'm really sorry, sir, but the
last admission is five o'clock.

433
00:23:46,134 --> 00:23:50,142
Right, OK, well, it's five past.

434
00:23:50,158 --> 00:23:52,186
I'm really sorry, sir,
but these are the rules.

435
00:23:52,198 --> 00:23:54,134
We'll be very quick.

436
00:23:54,150 --> 00:23:57,142
Yes, I know, but that
really wouldn't be fair

437
00:23:57,154 --> 00:23:58,190
on all the other latecomers.

438
00:23:58,206 --> 00:24:00,186
So what other latecomers?
I've not seen anyone.

439
00:24:00,202 --> 00:24:02,146
No, I know.
Not at the moment, but...

440
00:24:02,162 --> 00:24:05,190
Please? We've come from London.
Why didn't you come earlier?

441
00:24:05,206 --> 00:24:09,142
Well, that's... because
I got stuck in traffic.

442
00:24:09,158 --> 00:24:11,190
Well, I'm really sorry. Perhaps
you could come back tomorrow.

443
00:24:11,206 --> 00:24:14,170
Is this man troubling you?

444
00:24:16,118 --> 00:24:18,202
We wondered if we could pop inside
and have a look at the cottage.

445
00:24:19,118 --> 00:24:21,138
Mr Brydon?
Yes, it is.

446
00:24:21,154 --> 00:24:24,146
It's very nice to meet you.
Would you do something for me?

447
00:24:24,158 --> 00:24:25,194
Depends what it is.

448
00:24:25,210 --> 00:24:31,142
I have a grandson,
and he loves that tiny man...

449
00:24:31,158 --> 00:24:33,210
Small man in a box?
Small man in the box that you do.

450
00:24:34,126 --> 00:24:36,210
Could you sign this for him?
Sure. Yeah.

451
00:24:37,126 --> 00:24:39,162
Thank you. Thank you.
What's his name?

452
00:24:39,174 --> 00:24:41,154
His name is William.

453
00:24:41,170 --> 00:24:45,114
Well, look, I'll sign this
for William, OK, if...

454
00:24:45,130 --> 00:24:48,118
if my friend and I
can go take a look at Dove Cottage.

455
00:24:48,130 --> 00:24:49,166
What do you say?

456
00:24:51,134 --> 00:24:56,134
I don't understand that.
Why do people have to be like that?

457
00:24:56,146 --> 00:24:58,114
She wasn't being like anything.

458
00:24:58,130 --> 00:25:00,154
It is only open
for another half an hour,

459
00:25:00,170 --> 00:25:04,150
and that woman, in all fairness,
is probably bereaved.

460
00:25:04,166 --> 00:25:06,162
Yeah, but why... it's not
my fault her husband's dead.

461
00:25:06,174 --> 00:25:07,210
No, but you...

462
00:25:08,126 --> 00:25:10,194
Old people, at some time...
not all old people,

463
00:25:10,210 --> 00:25:13,166
but a lot of them...
seek out aggravation.

464
00:25:13,182 --> 00:25:16,186
Oh, that's total rubbish!
She was lovely.

465
00:25:18,146 --> 00:25:21,146
Looks not unlike yourself
in that picture.

466
00:25:24,174 --> 00:25:26,182
OK, ready? One, two...

467
00:25:40,134 --> 00:25:42,158
Want some?
Uh, no, thank you.

468
00:25:42,174 --> 00:25:44,174
Sure?
Absolutely.

469
00:25:44,190 --> 00:25:47,206
I never smoked.
Mm.

470
00:25:48,122 --> 00:25:52,210
That's the trouble with you, Rob.
You're not open to new experiences.

471
00:25:53,126 --> 00:25:58,126
Phht! I would remind you of the time
I had a Red Bull and Coke.

472
00:26:01,182 --> 00:26:05,138
That's not what Coleridge
would have been imbibing.

473
00:26:05,154 --> 00:26:07,166
He wouldn't have been having
a spliff, would he?

474
00:26:07,182 --> 00:26:09,166
No, he wouldn't, but I mean,
if they'd been around...

475
00:26:09,182 --> 00:26:12,154
He would have definitely partaken
if they'd been around.

476
00:26:12,170 --> 00:26:14,134
If you really want
to pay tribute to him,

477
00:26:14,146 --> 00:26:17,162
you should be having some opium.

478
00:26:17,178 --> 00:26:21,138
What, that's...
Or its modern-day equivalent.

479
00:26:21,150 --> 00:26:22,206
This is... well, this is...

480
00:26:23,122 --> 00:26:25,134
Well, no, the modern-day
equivalent of that, that's heroin.

481
00:26:25,150 --> 00:26:29,158
Yeah, that's what I'm saying.
I'm not a junkie, Rob.

482
00:26:29,174 --> 00:26:32,122
I'm not encouraging you
to become hooked on heroin.

483
00:26:32,138 --> 00:26:34,138
I'm just saying...
It sounds like you are.

484
00:26:34,154 --> 00:26:36,202
I'm not. Why would I do that?
I don't know. For a laugh.

485
00:26:37,114 --> 00:26:39,130
Ha-ha. It was a hell of a laugh.

486
00:26:39,146 --> 00:26:41,190
Alright. You know Steve?
You seen Steve lately?

487
00:26:41,206 --> 00:26:44,154
He's living at the council estate
curled up in his own shit.

488
00:26:44,170 --> 00:26:48,114
Aye. That was my doing, that was.
I suggested he try heroin.

489
00:26:48,130 --> 00:26:50,190
Cracking idea.
I would never do that.

490
00:26:56,190 --> 00:27:02,166
Most creative people... the most
creative people smoke, you know,

491
00:27:02,178 --> 00:27:04,154
smoke marijuana, smoke hash.

492
00:27:30,130 --> 00:27:33,126
So I'm tucked up in bed
in my pyjamas,

493
00:27:33,138 --> 00:27:35,130
my flaccid member

494
00:27:35,146 --> 00:27:38,194
brushing up against Coleridge's
soft cotton sheets,

495
00:27:38,210 --> 00:27:43,182
waiting to be awoken by a dusky
maiden at the end of the phone.

496
00:27:43,198 --> 00:27:45,162
I need somewhere warm
to put my hand.

497
00:27:45,178 --> 00:27:47,162
Well, I'll give you somewhere warm
to put your hands.

498
00:27:47,174 --> 00:27:49,186
Yes, I'll be a human mitten.

499
00:27:49,202 --> 00:27:53,198
Hello, I'm trapped in a box.

500
00:27:55,150 --> 00:27:59,186
Help. I'm a little man...
Help. I'm a little man in a box.

501
00:28:11,150 --> 00:28:14,174
Help me,
I'm a little man trapped in a box.