1
00:00:02,000 --> 00:00:03,760
'Hello? Hey, Rob, it's Steve.
'Hiya.'

2
00:00:03,760 --> 00:00:08,720
'How are you?' Good. Listen,
are you free next week to go away?

3
00:00:08,720 --> 00:00:09,800
'Where?'

4
00:00:09,800 --> 00:00:12,600
It's kind of a tour, a tour of
the north. A restaurant tour.

5
00:00:12,600 --> 00:00:14,640
Really good restaurants. 'Right.'

6
00:00:14,640 --> 00:00:17,760
'Why me?' Mischa can't come
and I don't want to go alone.

7
00:00:17,760 --> 00:00:23,240
I've asked other people,
but they're all too busy.

8
00:00:23,240 --> 00:00:25,280
It's a job!
I'm not asking you to go on holiday

9
00:00:25,280 --> 00:00:28,880
with me or anything weird -
it's for The Observer magazine.

10
00:00:28,880 --> 00:00:31,520
So, you know, do you want to come?

11
00:00:36,120 --> 00:00:38,440
Why are we going so early?

12
00:00:38,440 --> 00:00:43,680
Because I want to take in
Bolton Abbey, and then squeeze in...

13
00:00:43,680 --> 00:00:48,560
Do a breakfast instead of lunch, and
then quickly say hi to my parents.

14
00:00:48,560 --> 00:00:51,560
You don't mind...? Do you mind
coming to say hi? Physically?

15
00:00:51,560 --> 00:00:54,240
Yes. Actually visit them?
I can't leave you in the car!

16
00:00:54,240 --> 00:00:58,360
You could bring me a lemonade
and a packet of crisps!

17
00:00:58,360 --> 00:01:02,240
Leave the window like that
so I don't get too hot.
And we, and we can come...

18
00:01:02,240 --> 00:01:05,720
I'll bring my parents and your nose
is through the gap like that!

19
00:01:05,720 --> 00:01:08,960
You say, "I would bring
him in, but he might make a mess."

20
00:01:16,080 --> 00:01:19,520
"From Bolton's old monastic tower

21
00:01:19,520 --> 00:01:22,880
"The bells ring loud
with gladsome power

22
00:01:22,880 --> 00:01:26,080
"The sun shines bright,
the fields are gay

23
00:01:26,080 --> 00:01:28,960
"With people in their best array

24
00:01:28,960 --> 00:01:32,200
"Of stole and doublet,
hood and scarf

25
00:01:32,200 --> 00:01:35,000
"Along the banks of crystal wharf

26
00:01:35,000 --> 00:01:38,480
"And thus in joyous mood they hie

27
00:01:38,480 --> 00:01:42,560
"To Bolton's mouldering priory!"

28
00:01:42,560 --> 00:01:46,760
Sir Ian McKellen. Come,
we shall walk together.

29
00:01:46,760 --> 00:01:51,400
Is that why you went to
bed early last night so you
could learn that poem? Yes!

30
00:01:51,400 --> 00:01:52,960
Mission accomplished!

31
00:01:52,960 --> 00:01:54,560
I don't know why you quote...

32
00:01:54,560 --> 00:01:58,000
You weren't interested in Wordsworth
before we went on this trip!

33
00:01:58,000 --> 00:02:01,920
Or Bolton Abbey! This is lovely.
This is fantastic. I know it is.

34
00:02:01,920 --> 00:02:04,720
I liked Bolton Abbey before
you liked Bolton Abbey!

35
00:02:04,720 --> 00:02:07,160
Why'd you have to do it
in Ian McKellen's voice?

36
00:02:07,160 --> 00:02:09,760
What would have been nice is if
you'd learnt that poem,

37
00:02:09,760 --> 00:02:12,840
which I appreciate, even thought
it was meant to intimidate me,

38
00:02:12,840 --> 00:02:16,840
if you'd got up this morning
and said the poem in your own voice
and meant the words.

39
00:02:16,840 --> 00:02:19,120
I chose a voice to suit the mood.

40
00:02:19,120 --> 00:02:23,280
I felt Sir Ian, coming
as he does from Bolton,
would be perfectly suited.

41
00:02:23,280 --> 00:02:24,880
It's a different Bolton, Rob.

42
00:02:24,880 --> 00:02:26,760
Yeah, all right.
It's the same word!

43
00:02:26,760 --> 00:02:29,280
I thought he would be perfectly
suited for here.

44
00:02:29,280 --> 00:02:32,600
And it is incredible. I mean look,
that is in credible.

45
00:02:32,600 --> 00:02:36,200
I'm standing on a grave. Sorry.

46
00:02:36,200 --> 00:02:39,240
Will you be buried
or will you be cremated?

47
00:02:39,240 --> 00:02:44,880
I think I would,
I would like to be buried so that
I have a headstone like Elvis.

48
00:02:44,880 --> 00:02:48,520
Mmm hmm. But I think that when
you have a headstone

49
00:02:48,520 --> 00:02:52,480
and you're in a place it puts
great pressure on your family,

50
00:02:52,480 --> 00:02:54,440
the surviving family, to visit you.

51
00:02:54,440 --> 00:02:58,480
I'd be happy if you... If you...
I'm happy with either.

52
00:02:58,480 --> 00:03:03,800
If they buried you or cremated you,
they would both suit me fine.

53
00:03:03,800 --> 00:03:07,760
Would you come to my funeral?
Would you turn up, do you think?

54
00:03:07,760 --> 00:03:09,720
Course I would! Would you? Yeah!

55
00:03:09,720 --> 00:03:12,040
If only to pad out the numbers,
you know!

56
00:03:12,040 --> 00:03:16,560
You know when, you know when, um,
when someone dies and they go to

57
00:03:16,560 --> 00:03:21,800
the funeral and they say, "We
should have done this when he was
alive! He would have loved this!"?

58
00:03:21,800 --> 00:03:25,840
Mmm. What, cremated him?!

59
00:03:25,840 --> 00:03:28,280
No. You know hearing,
hearing the eulogies.

60
00:03:28,280 --> 00:03:32,920
That's what I'll say at your funeral.
We should have done this when
he was alive! Cremated him!

61
00:03:32,920 --> 00:03:36,760
Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha! No riposte
from you, cos you're dead.

62
00:03:36,760 --> 00:03:39,120
AS MAN IN A BOX: I don't think you
should say that!

63
00:03:39,120 --> 00:03:40,520
In a box!

64
00:03:40,520 --> 00:03:43,480
You wouldn't be able to come back
with your man in a box,

65
00:03:43,480 --> 00:03:46,720
even though it would be fantastic
if you had, cos you'd be in a coffin.

66
00:03:46,720 --> 00:03:49,000
It would have been the perfect
place to do it!

67
00:03:49,000 --> 00:03:52,160
I would literally be a man
in the box. I know, it would
have been great.

68
00:03:52,160 --> 00:03:56,320
I'll be safe in the knowledge
that I'll go, "Great, I can
do that and he won't come

69
00:03:56,320 --> 00:04:01,000
back with his man in a box,
which would have been brilliant,
but he can't cos he is brown bread!"

70
00:04:01,000 --> 00:04:03,800
I'd be there. I'd be there.
I'd be at your funeral.

71
00:04:03,800 --> 00:04:09,000
And now from one
of Rob's very closest friends.

72
00:04:09,000 --> 00:04:12,440
You'll know him, of course,
as TV's Alan Partridge.

73
00:04:12,440 --> 00:04:20,880
And he has asked specifically
to come up and take 25, 30 minutes
to talk about his friend Rob.

74
00:04:20,880 --> 00:04:24,720
Ladies and gentlemen...
S... Shush! Ladies and gentlemen,
Steve Coogan.

75
00:04:24,720 --> 00:04:29,680
Oh, you may also know Steve
from some of his very good
Art House films

76
00:04:29,680 --> 00:04:33,960
that have been very well reviewed
by some of the broadsheet newspapers,
Steve Coogan!

77
00:04:35,480 --> 00:04:37,400
Thanks. Thank you.

78
00:04:37,400 --> 00:04:41,360
A-ha! Somebody will shout that out,
one of my Welsh relatives.

79
00:04:41,360 --> 00:04:43,600
Yes, yes...

80
00:04:43,600 --> 00:04:46,400
Alan Partridge.

81
00:04:46,400 --> 00:04:49,120
Very much alive compared with,

82
00:04:49,120 --> 00:04:53,280
with our good departed friend
Rob Brydon.

83
00:04:53,280 --> 00:04:57,040
Rob was an interesting guy.

84
00:04:57,040 --> 00:05:00,280
Very funny, very entertaining and...

85
00:05:00,280 --> 00:05:03,960
and yet at the same time
there was something...

86
00:05:03,960 --> 00:05:07,720
that... Although he made me laugh and
made us all laugh I think,

87
00:05:07,720 --> 00:05:13,280
there was something about him that
was lost, something about him
that seemed...

88
00:05:13,280 --> 00:05:17,120
unable to,
to confront the reality of life.

89
00:05:17,120 --> 00:05:22,000
And so when I think of Rob I,
I think of him with both

90
00:05:22,000 --> 00:05:28,120
a smile at some of the funny, pithy
one-liners he would come out
with on Radio Four panel shows,

91
00:05:28,120 --> 00:05:32,880
but also for the man inside,

92
00:05:32,880 --> 00:05:36,560
because behind every little pithy,

93
00:05:36,560 --> 00:05:41,200
vaguely amusing joke
is a cry for help.

94
00:05:43,440 --> 00:05:45,040
But let's not remember him...

95
00:05:45,040 --> 00:05:47,120
Not gonna finish there, are you?
Jesus Christ!

96
00:05:47,120 --> 00:05:49,280
I won't finish there, no!

97
00:05:49,280 --> 00:05:55,160
No, OK. But, but... but, of course,
let's not remember a man

98
00:05:55,160 --> 00:06:00,080
who has lost desperately trying to
legitimise his life by doing silly

99
00:06:00,080 --> 00:06:05,280
voices constantly and not confronting
the truth, let's remember the other
side of Rob. The entertainer.

100
00:06:05,280 --> 00:06:07,040
The Rob Brydon, the entertainer.

101
00:06:07,040 --> 00:06:10,840
Yes. Yes.
The Brydon who gave some levity...

102
00:06:10,840 --> 00:06:17,080
Yes. ..to our life and helped us
avoid confronting the harsh
realities,

103
00:06:17,080 --> 00:06:21,120
and helped us avoid looking at the
brutal reality of what life is...

104
00:06:21,120 --> 00:06:24,000
All right, talk about some
of the characters!

105
00:06:24,000 --> 00:06:25,640
OK! Oh...

106
00:06:25,640 --> 00:06:27,960
Who can forget
his Tom Jones impression?

107
00:06:27,960 --> 00:06:30,520
Who can forget that?

108
00:06:30,520 --> 00:06:33,960
AS TOM: "Think I'd better die now."
You could say that!

109
00:06:33,960 --> 00:06:37,760
Yes. Huh, think I'd better die now!
That's good. Yeah, I know.

110
00:06:37,760 --> 00:06:40,800
I'll take over when you're dead.
There'll be plenty of...

111
00:06:40,800 --> 00:06:45,200
I'll do plenty of Tom Jones
when you're dead! Don't worry about
that.

112
00:06:45,200 --> 00:06:48,520
Ah, why thank you! I'm...
Ah, you're welcome.

113
00:06:48,520 --> 00:06:53,680
But there'll be affection there.
I'd... I wouldn't... I would never
stick the knife in.

114
00:06:53,680 --> 00:06:55,680
I might just like tickle
you with a knife.

115
00:06:55,680 --> 00:06:58,280
That's all good sport! Good sport.
Exactly!

116
00:06:58,280 --> 00:07:00,160
Should it go the other way...

117
00:07:00,160 --> 00:07:02,480
It's OK. I'm not asking you
to do that.

118
00:07:02,480 --> 00:07:04,480
Let's, let's, let's move on. Come on.

119
00:07:06,280 --> 00:07:09,280
No, I'm just saying if it did...
Yeah, that's all right.

120
00:07:09,280 --> 00:07:10,920
I would be...
I don't need to know!

121
00:07:10,920 --> 00:07:13,320
I'd rather that it be a mystery!

122
00:07:13,320 --> 00:07:18,000
I think if you do die before me
it will probably be murder.

123
00:07:18,000 --> 00:07:19,560
Can you leap,
can you vault this fence?

124
00:07:19,560 --> 00:07:21,240
Yes. Go on, vault it.

125
00:07:21,240 --> 00:07:23,280
Vault that fence now!

126
00:07:27,280 --> 00:07:29,080
Wait a minute...

127
00:07:29,080 --> 00:07:30,600
Ready?

128
00:07:33,480 --> 00:07:35,480
Ah. OK.

129
00:07:35,480 --> 00:07:38,200
Wait, whoa, whoa. Hang on.

130
00:07:38,200 --> 00:07:40,040
Watch... Watch me.

131
00:07:47,080 --> 00:07:48,840
Uh! Oh!

132
00:07:48,840 --> 00:07:50,400
Bloody hell!

133
00:07:50,400 --> 00:07:51,960
Are you all right? Yep.

134
00:07:53,520 --> 00:07:56,000
Whoa, don't run it!

135
00:07:56,000 --> 00:07:57,640
What?! Don't run! Why!

136
00:07:57,640 --> 00:08:00,960
There'll be moss! Fucking hell!

137
00:08:00,960 --> 00:08:03,480
Jesus Christ. Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa!

138
00:08:03,480 --> 00:08:08,240
You've got stuck halfway
towards your destination!

139
00:08:08,240 --> 00:08:11,800
You're stuck in a metaphor! I'm not!

140
00:08:13,760 --> 00:08:16,040
You'll ne... Aw! Ooh!

141
00:08:19,320 --> 00:08:21,080
Oh, fuck! Fuck!

142
00:08:21,080 --> 00:08:23,480
Ah!

143
00:08:24,560 --> 00:08:27,360
Fuck! It's a metaphor!

144
00:08:27,360 --> 00:08:32,080
That is not a metaphor!
Fuck!

145
00:08:32,080 --> 00:08:33,400
Fuck!

146
00:08:35,120 --> 00:08:37,440
You looked at home in the water.

147
00:08:37,440 --> 00:08:41,320
I could see you perhaps branching
out into more action roles,

148
00:08:41,320 --> 00:08:45,040
do you know what I mean,
as opposed to playing the klutz?

149
00:08:56,960 --> 00:09:00,280
KITCHEN CLATTER

150
00:09:00,280 --> 00:09:04,600
Do you know what, I like this...
I like... This is beautiful light.

151
00:09:04,600 --> 00:09:08,000
Very nice light, this.
Like a ski holiday.

152
00:09:08,000 --> 00:09:10,160
It's very apres ski.
Yeah. It feels apres ski.

153
00:09:10,160 --> 00:09:12,120
No, during ski. Eh? Dure ski.

154
00:09:12,120 --> 00:09:16,680
Yes. Yeah, yes, a lunch break in
the middle of a skiing trip, yeah.

155
00:09:16,680 --> 00:09:18,760
Good morning, gents.
Good morning!

156
00:09:18,760 --> 00:09:21,640
Would you like an orange juice?
I'll... Yes, please!

157
00:09:27,480 --> 00:09:31,120
But it's nice when you have snow.
It makes you look healthy.

158
00:09:31,120 --> 00:09:32,920
But this light isn't
very good for me.

159
00:09:32,920 --> 00:09:35,240
What does my skin look like
in this light?

160
00:09:35,240 --> 00:09:37,240
Well, you know, it's...
It's uneven.

161
00:09:37,240 --> 00:09:41,040
It's like the surface of the moon...
Fascinating!

162
00:09:46,320 --> 00:09:49,160
Scrambled egg, no mushrooms?
That's me.

163
00:09:49,160 --> 00:09:50,840
Look at that!
Thank you very much!

164
00:09:50,840 --> 00:09:52,800
Enjoy your meals. Thank you.

165
00:09:52,800 --> 00:09:54,720
People tell me I've got a...

166
00:09:54,720 --> 00:09:58,640
If I have a moan about my skin
they say, "Oh, but it gives
you character!". It does.

167
00:09:58,640 --> 00:10:02,320
You've got a lot of character(!)
Enough for an episode of Cranford!

168
00:10:02,320 --> 00:10:05,320
You're a character actor.
It's character. I'm a leading man.

169
00:10:05,320 --> 00:10:07,720
We've been over this, you know.

170
00:10:07,720 --> 00:10:12,080
I'm Dustin Hoffman! I'm a
leading man with a character actor's
body and face.

171
00:10:12,080 --> 00:10:14,320
OK! Yeah, no that's a fair point!
It's a valid point!

172
00:10:14,320 --> 00:10:17,480
It is a valid point.
I'll take it on the chin.

173
00:10:17,480 --> 00:10:19,880
Which is difficult for me,
but easy for you.

174
00:10:19,880 --> 00:10:22,640
Could land a plane on mine. Yeah.

175
00:10:22,640 --> 00:10:27,560
Wwwrrrrhhh. Wwwrrrhhh. Mmm.
A small chin enables you
to do it with women very well.

176
00:10:27,560 --> 00:10:30,880
How come you've left
your black pudding!

177
00:10:30,880 --> 00:10:37,200
I don't dislike it, but I'm never,
I'm never sure about it. I just
naturally don't go to it.

178
00:10:37,200 --> 00:10:40,040
It's cos there's a risk involved.
It's a taboo.

179
00:10:40,040 --> 00:10:41,720
Mmm.

180
00:10:41,720 --> 00:10:43,400
Mmm! Mwah-ha-ha!

181
00:10:43,400 --> 00:10:45,640
This is just...

182
00:10:45,640 --> 00:10:47,920
really...

183
00:10:47,920 --> 00:10:50,360
glorious!

184
00:10:50,360 --> 00:10:54,720
It's a sunny day in England
with a fried breakfast.
It doesn't get much better.

185
00:10:54,720 --> 00:10:58,120
This is nice. But if I'm being
very honest with you,

186
00:10:58,120 --> 00:11:00,120
I'm looking forward
to being home now.

187
00:11:00,120 --> 00:11:02,760
Mate, you and me both!

188
00:11:02,760 --> 00:11:05,680
The most important thing
to me is that I have...

189
00:11:05,680 --> 00:11:09,560
that my children are healthy...
Oh, yeah, I mean that... that I'm
healthy so I can be there for them.

190
00:11:09,560 --> 00:11:12,720
That's more important than any work,
any award...

191
00:11:12,720 --> 00:11:15,080
And puts everything in perspective.

192
00:11:15,080 --> 00:11:18,240
You'd throw away all your awards.
I'd throw them in a river!

193
00:11:18,240 --> 00:11:21,960
If you could exchange them for
knowing your children would
live a happy life?

194
00:11:21,960 --> 00:11:26,440
I would happily throw
all my awards in a river.

195
00:11:26,440 --> 00:11:28,960
Not the sea. Corrosion.

196
00:11:28,960 --> 00:11:30,840
No, but if I threw them in a river,

197
00:11:30,840 --> 00:11:36,600
if push came to shove I could hire
a team of scuba divers to
retrieve them.

198
00:11:36,600 --> 00:11:39,520
But, you know, the gesture's
the important thing.

199
00:11:39,520 --> 00:11:43,120
family's more important.
No, family's more important.
Of course it is.

200
00:11:43,120 --> 00:11:47,280
If it was a choice between winning
an award and my child
being healthy...

201
00:11:47,280 --> 00:11:49,840
Yeah. I would absolutely
you know throw them all.

202
00:11:49,840 --> 00:11:53,360
Yeah. Other way around. What if...

203
00:11:53,360 --> 00:11:59,280
If you were to allow your child
to have an illness,
right, you could win...

204
00:11:59,280 --> 00:12:01,760
Say a BAFTA, you could have
a film BAFTA if...

205
00:12:01,760 --> 00:12:06,760
No, of course not! An illness
the child would recover from but
would have some discomfort. No!

206
00:12:06,760 --> 00:12:08,640
That's a disgusting idea!

207
00:12:08,640 --> 00:12:12,520
Let me up the stakes.
Oscar, Best Actor.

208
00:12:12,520 --> 00:12:15,560
Eh, Best Actor, Steve Coogan?
What to have an ill child?

209
00:12:15,560 --> 00:12:19,560
Of course not! Well, well hang on,
well... Not, not a...
What kind of illness?

210
00:12:21,080 --> 00:12:23,680
Appendicitis.

211
00:12:23,680 --> 00:12:26,360
What you mean... So they get,
"Oh, my stomach!

212
00:12:26,360 --> 00:12:28,960
Where's Dad?"
"Oh, he's on location."

213
00:12:28,960 --> 00:12:31,600
"It's really hurting.
Really hurting. Argh!"

214
00:12:31,600 --> 00:12:35,040
Doctor comes in, off to hospital,
bang, bang, "Oh, I'm weak,"

215
00:12:35,040 --> 00:12:40,520
then they're better. Meanwhile,
"Academy Award Winner,
Steve Coogan..."

216
00:12:45,560 --> 00:12:47,080
Well?

217
00:12:49,880 --> 00:12:52,080
Well, now we, now we glimpse
the real man.

218
00:12:52,080 --> 00:12:54,960
What do you mean? I'm just
thinking it through!

219
00:12:57,080 --> 00:13:00,560
I think the answer's probably
I still wouldn't probably.

220
00:13:02,760 --> 00:13:05,680
Very nice. Yeah. If the weather
was like this all the...

221
00:13:05,680 --> 00:13:07,960
All finished, gents?
Ah, yes. Perfect.

222
00:13:07,960 --> 00:13:09,840
Could we, could we have the bill?
Yeah, sure.

223
00:13:09,840 --> 00:13:11,520
L'addition, s'il vous plait.

224
00:13:11,520 --> 00:13:14,120
Will do. Merci.

225
00:13:14,120 --> 00:13:15,280
Grazie.

226
00:13:19,680 --> 00:13:21,720
The bill there, gents.
Ah. Excellent.

227
00:13:21,720 --> 00:13:25,120
My dad will take care of that(!)
Thank you. Thank you.
Thank you very much.

228
00:13:25,120 --> 00:13:29,120
Funny because it's not...
It's so outlandish.

229
00:13:29,120 --> 00:13:30,880
Combien y at-il?

230
00:13:30,880 --> 00:13:38,480
Il est... Look at that, that's,
that's the cheapest meal we've had
so far and, in some ways, the best!

231
00:13:38,480 --> 00:13:42,400
I mean, not in every way but in some
ways it's just...

232
00:13:42,400 --> 00:13:46,520
How much? £24.40. Seriously? Yeah!

233
00:13:47,680 --> 00:13:55,120
THEY HUM SYMPHONY NO. 9
"FROM THE NEW WORLD" by DVORAK

234
00:14:05,080 --> 00:14:07,000
Very nice.

235
00:14:07,000 --> 00:14:10,000
Yeah, it's a lovely, a lovely
place to grow up, you know.

236
00:14:15,000 --> 00:14:18,680
Hello, hello! Hiya.
Hello! Nice to see you!

237
00:14:18,680 --> 00:14:20,280
Yeah, nice to see you. Hello!

238
00:14:20,280 --> 00:14:24,240
This is Rob. This is my mum.
Hello, Rob! Lovely to meet you.

239
00:14:24,240 --> 00:14:28,920
Molly. Nice to see you. Hello!
Oh, what a lovely house!

240
00:14:28,920 --> 00:14:30,800
This is Bernard, my dad.

241
00:14:30,800 --> 00:14:33,360
This is Rob, Rob Brydon.
Hello, Bernard.

242
00:14:33,360 --> 00:14:36,960
I was just saying what
a lovely house it is.
Rob Brydon off the telly.

243
00:14:36,960 --> 00:14:39,360
Straightaway look.
Hall of fame.

244
00:14:39,360 --> 00:14:41,800
Yeah. Oh, and a daughter!

245
00:14:41,800 --> 00:14:45,360
She's a bonny lass! That's not
our daughter, that's our Steven!

246
00:14:45,360 --> 00:14:47,200
He's just trying to be funny, Dad.

247
00:14:47,200 --> 00:14:49,520
Oh! Making a joke, yeah.

248
00:14:49,520 --> 00:14:51,680
Well, he is funny.
Well, on occasions(!)

249
00:14:51,680 --> 00:14:53,840
Would you like anything to eat?

250
00:14:53,840 --> 00:14:58,000
And you have to answer without
hesitation, deviation or repetition.

251
00:14:58,000 --> 00:15:03,600
Well, of all the beverages that I
have consumed the one that I have
enjoyed the most and would perhaps

252
00:15:03,600 --> 00:15:10,160
desire at this particular moment
would be an English breakfast tea,
or perhaps a plate of biscuits...

253
00:15:10,160 --> 00:15:12,080
Err! Err! You said "a" twice.

254
00:15:12,080 --> 00:15:14,360
Well, that doesn't count! Why not?

255
00:15:14,360 --> 00:15:18,280
When you're doing it on the radio
you're just meant to be
witty and entertaining.

256
00:15:18,280 --> 00:15:21,920
Well, we're not on the radio!
We're in my mum and dad's
living room!

257
00:15:21,920 --> 00:15:26,280
Steve never liked these things
growing up. He didn't like games.
Really?

258
00:15:26,280 --> 00:15:29,360
I didn't like sport games.
Physical, physical games.

259
00:15:29,360 --> 00:15:33,960
I liked mental games. Come,
come, Mr Bond, you enjoy playing
Just A Minute just as much as I do!

260
00:15:33,960 --> 00:15:37,000
Err! Repetition of come and just.

261
00:15:37,000 --> 00:15:40,760
Fair. Fair point. We saw your show
when it came to Oldham. Did you?

262
00:15:40,760 --> 00:15:45,800
Yes, we did! Loved it!
What was your favourite part?
They can't think...!

263
00:15:45,800 --> 00:15:49,280
Can't remember! Small angry man in
the box. Small man in a box?

264
00:15:49,280 --> 00:15:50,840
Yeah! Ah! Yeah.

265
00:15:50,840 --> 00:15:55,640
I wonder what the small angry man
in a box would be saying
if he were here right now!

266
00:15:55,640 --> 00:15:59,080
He'd say it's wonderful!
All right, that's enough.

267
00:15:59,080 --> 00:16:00,840
He's, he's very... It's very good.

268
00:16:00,840 --> 00:16:03,200
It is impressive.
I'll go and make the tea.

269
00:16:03,200 --> 00:16:05,800
Oh, thank you very much.
Ah, this is great.

270
00:16:05,800 --> 00:16:08,600
Come on, come on through into...
Oh, conservatory!

271
00:16:08,600 --> 00:16:13,000
Into the garden. No, not
the conservatory. It's lovely.
Oh, no politics, thank you!

272
00:16:17,080 --> 00:16:21,000
Right, here we are, tea for
the troops! Lovely. OK! Well...

273
00:16:21,000 --> 00:16:23,800
AS HUGH GRANT:
This really is excellent.

274
00:16:23,800 --> 00:16:28,800
Crikey, crikey, gosh, this is...
I've been to four weddings
and a funeral recently

275
00:16:28,800 --> 00:16:33,280
and not had, gosh, quite,
quite such a substantial brew.

276
00:16:33,280 --> 00:16:37,920
Dear, dear(!) That's how you started,
didn't you, Steve, with impressions?

277
00:16:37,920 --> 00:16:39,840
It is, yeah, yeah. Moved on now?
Mmm!

278
00:16:39,840 --> 00:16:42,640
Well, quit while you're ahead.
Move on to more.

279
00:16:42,640 --> 00:16:45,000
It was a shock to all of us
when he started performing.

280
00:16:45,000 --> 00:16:47,840
We thought it would be Deborah
or Martin. Really?

281
00:16:47,840 --> 00:16:51,360
They were always the funny ones.
Yeah, you were always the quiet one.

282
00:16:51,360 --> 00:16:55,800
I was in my own little world.
I was sort of... Escape...
I was a daydreamer.

283
00:16:55,800 --> 00:17:00,040
AS WOODY ALLEN: I used to daydream
constantly as a kid
growing up in New York

284
00:17:00,040 --> 00:17:04,360
and I never thought, you know,
I'd ever become a great comedian.

285
00:17:04,360 --> 00:17:06,760
You know I just never figured
I would...

286
00:17:06,760 --> 00:17:10,360
AS SEAN CONNERY: Whereas I when
I was growing up in Edinburgh,

287
00:17:10,360 --> 00:17:15,240
before I became Commander James Bond
for me, I was quite withdrawn also.

288
00:17:15,240 --> 00:17:18,040
AS MICHAEL CAINE: I, on the other
hand, grew up in the East End,

289
00:17:18,040 --> 00:17:20,680
and all I ever wanted to do
was blow the bloody doors off.

290
00:17:20,680 --> 00:17:22,560
I've had to put up with
this all week.

291
00:17:22,560 --> 00:17:24,720
It must be exhausting!

292
00:17:24,720 --> 00:17:26,960
Ah, not really.
Exhausting for everyone!

293
00:17:26,960 --> 00:17:29,040
Why don't you stop for lunch?

294
00:17:29,040 --> 00:17:32,080
Yes, that would be lovely!
Well, no, we should push on really.

295
00:17:32,080 --> 00:17:34,880
Yeah. Oh, nice. Right.
What route are you taking?

296
00:17:34,880 --> 00:17:42,240
The... Well, I'm getting on the M60
clockwise and then on
the M56, M6.

297
00:17:42,240 --> 00:17:48,680
You want to watch that. Why?
There's roadworks all the way from
junction 24 to 27. It's terrible.

298
00:17:48,680 --> 00:17:51,480
Really? You'd be better
off going anti-clockwise.

299
00:17:51,480 --> 00:17:53,240
Right. OK. Yeah.

300
00:17:53,240 --> 00:17:58,320
Yes, well it's as broad as it's long,
isn't it, so, yeah, I'll do that.
Good. Good. Yeah.

301
00:17:58,320 --> 00:18:01,280
Really nice to meet you. God bless.
And you. Bye bye.

302
00:18:01,280 --> 00:18:02,880
All right, see you, Mum.

303
00:18:02,880 --> 00:18:04,760
Hello. Lovely to see you.

304
00:18:04,760 --> 00:18:07,480
How's Mischa? She's in America.

305
00:18:07,480 --> 00:18:11,240
She is at the moment, yeah. Oh! We,
we thought she'd be coming with you.

306
00:18:11,240 --> 00:18:15,080
And we're going through a bit
of a hiatus. Oh, dear! Rob's
the substitute girlfriend.

307
00:18:15,080 --> 00:18:16,840
Oh. Oh! Oh, I hope not!

308
00:18:16,840 --> 00:18:20,200
No, nothing like that, yeah.
How is work? Anything coming up?

309
00:18:20,200 --> 00:18:24,240
Yeah, I've got a TV series in,
in America possibly, so... Really!

310
00:18:24,240 --> 00:18:27,280
Great! But it would mean
spending a lot of time over there,

311
00:18:27,280 --> 00:18:28,440
that's the problem.

312
00:18:28,440 --> 00:18:30,920
If you need anybody
to carry your bags then...

313
00:18:30,920 --> 00:18:32,720
All right, OK. Yeah.

314
00:18:32,720 --> 00:18:34,280
See you, Dad. Ta da. Right, yeah.

315
00:18:34,280 --> 00:18:37,200
Ah. Right. Bye. Now listen,
you take care of yourself.

316
00:18:37,200 --> 00:18:38,720
Nothing to worry about.

317
00:18:38,720 --> 00:18:41,840
Everything's fine.
Bye, love. Bye. See you.

318
00:18:41,840 --> 00:18:44,520
The car's locked. What?
Locked.

319
00:18:44,520 --> 00:18:46,280
Ah, sorry, I thought I'd pressed it.

320
00:18:51,480 --> 00:18:53,480
See you.

321
00:18:56,800 --> 00:18:59,200
BEEPS HORN
Bye!

322
00:19:03,200 --> 00:19:07,080
Come on, let's get in.

323
00:19:09,440 --> 00:19:12,480
I've been thinking about
the reviews. Have you?

324
00:19:12,480 --> 00:19:14,520
Mmm hmm. Urgh! I haven't.

325
00:19:14,520 --> 00:19:16,760
The Inn at Whitewell was the first
one. Yeah.

326
00:19:16,760 --> 00:19:19,280
Yes, it was the first one.

327
00:19:19,280 --> 00:19:23,360
All right,
so I thought we could start with

328
00:19:23,360 --> 00:19:27,000
"an attractive setting
with welcoming staff."

329
00:19:28,520 --> 00:19:31,320
Or, "a welcoming setting
with attractive staff!"

330
00:19:31,320 --> 00:19:33,760
Friendly food, tasty bar staff.

331
00:19:33,760 --> 00:19:37,240
Staff welcomed us with
open arms and legs.

332
00:19:37,240 --> 00:19:40,160
Yeah, all right, I know
what that's a reference to.

333
00:19:41,680 --> 00:19:43,920
Have you made a decision
about America?

334
00:19:43,920 --> 00:19:45,840
Will you stay or will you go?

335
00:19:45,840 --> 00:19:48,200
I'm not...
I don't, I don't know.

336
00:19:48,200 --> 00:19:51,440
I love Mischa and I want
to be with her, but...

337
00:19:51,440 --> 00:19:53,760
I don't want to talk
about it to be honest.

338
00:19:53,760 --> 00:19:55,520
You don't want to talk about it?

339
00:19:55,520 --> 00:19:58,320
Do you want to talk about
the things you've gone through?

340
00:19:58,320 --> 00:20:02,400
Though it's hurting me,
now it's history.

341
00:20:02,400 --> 00:20:04,280
♪ Now it's history

342
00:20:04,280 --> 00:20:07,760
BOTH SING:
# I've played all my cards

343
00:20:07,760 --> 00:20:11,200
♪ And that's what you've done too

344
00:20:11,200 --> 00:20:14,520
♪ Nothing more to say

345
00:20:14,520 --> 00:20:17,840
♪ No more ace to play

346
00:20:17,840 --> 00:20:20,920
♪ Tell me does she kiss

347
00:20:20,920 --> 00:20:23,920
♪ Like I used to kiss you... ♪

348
00:20:23,920 --> 00:20:26,000
There's a shiver down my arms
when I hear that.

349
00:20:26,000 --> 00:20:28,320
♪ Does it feel the same?

350
00:20:28,320 --> 00:20:32,000
♪ When she calls your name?

351
00:20:32,000 --> 00:20:35,400
♪ I was in your arms...

352
00:20:35,400 --> 00:20:38,920
Thinking I belong there.
Thinking I'd be stronger...

353
00:20:38,920 --> 00:20:41,800
Building me a fence.

354
00:20:41,800 --> 00:20:43,720
I figured it made sense...
Made, made sense.

355
00:20:43,720 --> 00:20:45,480
♪ Building me a fence.

356
00:20:45,480 --> 00:20:47,400
♪ Da ah ah ah
Building me a home

357
00:20:47,400 --> 00:20:49,640
thinking I'd be strong there...

358
00:20:49,640 --> 00:20:50,680
♪ Building me a home

359
00:20:50,680 --> 00:20:54,920
♪ Thinking I belong... ♪
Be strong there...

360
00:20:54,920 --> 00:20:58,280
♪ Ah ah ah ah.
♪ But I was a fool. Fool.

361
00:20:58,280 --> 00:21:01,200
♪ Playing by the rules.

362
00:21:01,200 --> 00:21:04,840
♪ The winner takes it all!

363
00:21:04,840 --> 00:21:09,040
♪ The winner takes it all!

364
00:21:09,040 --> 00:21:12,480
♪ The winner takes it all!

365
00:21:12,480 --> 00:21:20,360
♪ The winner...
OPERATIC: Takes it all-l-l-l-l!

366
00:21:20,360 --> 00:21:22,640
Uh! Wow. Well, I was up there.

367
00:21:22,640 --> 00:21:24,280
Yeah. I was up there.

368
00:21:24,280 --> 00:21:26,640
I think you strained a little.
I did strain.

369
00:21:26,640 --> 00:21:28,760
But I have a wonderful range.
I could have done opera.

370
00:21:28,760 --> 00:21:33,440
How many octaves?
I don't know! Five. Five.
How much is an octave?

371
00:21:33,440 --> 00:21:35,320
Five! Five! All right, two.

372
00:21:35,320 --> 00:21:38,640
For two...
Pavarotti struggles to do five!

373
00:21:38,640 --> 00:21:41,520
One. One. I do one.
Three. I do...

374
00:21:41,520 --> 00:21:43,880
I don't know how much an octave is!

375
00:21:43,880 --> 00:21:46,920
Well, if you said octave
just get your lowest note.

376
00:21:46,920 --> 00:21:49,240
La. La. Hang on, wait, wait,
that's not it.

377
00:21:49,240 --> 00:21:54,040
Get your lowest, get your...
Well, yes! Lowwww...

378
00:21:54,040 --> 00:21:55,440
OK, do an octave up.

379
00:21:55,440 --> 00:21:58,000
Owww... No, do an octave up.

380
00:21:58,000 --> 00:22:00,720
Well, how much is an octave?

381
00:22:00,720 --> 00:22:03,360
It's just the same note
but an octave higher.

382
00:22:03,360 --> 00:22:07,240
I don't know how to do that. Listen!
Bah! Bah! That's an octave up!

383
00:22:07,240 --> 00:22:09,560
Right, but don't do it
as Roger Moore.

384
00:22:09,560 --> 00:22:15,720
A-h-h-h-h! Come, come, Mr Bond,
you enjoy singing an octave
just as much as I do!

385
00:22:15,720 --> 00:22:21,080
When I sing an octave up,
I sing it for Queen and country.

386
00:22:21,080 --> 00:22:23,160
Although I admit singing
an octave up...

387
00:22:23,160 --> 00:22:26,160
I admit singing an octave up
with you would be a pleasure.

388
00:22:26,160 --> 00:22:29,160
It's doh, ray, me, fah, soh, la,
ti, doh and next doh is
an octave up!

389
00:22:29,160 --> 00:22:32,400
♪ Doh, ray, me, fah, soh,
la, ti, doh!

390
00:22:32,400 --> 00:22:35,200
That's an octave up from the first
doh! Shh, shush. Uh.

391
00:22:35,200 --> 00:22:39,320
♪ Doh, ray, me, fah, soh,
la, ti, doh! ♪

392
00:22:39,320 --> 00:22:42,000
No! What?!

393
00:22:42,000 --> 00:22:46,520
♪ Doh, ray, me, fah, soh,
la, ti, doh!

394
00:22:46,520 --> 00:22:50,520
♪ Doh, ray, me, fah, soh, la,

395
00:22:50,520 --> 00:22:52,560
♪ Ti, doh! ♪

396
00:22:52,560 --> 00:22:54,160
Three!

397
00:22:54,160 --> 00:22:56,040
Three.

398
00:22:56,040 --> 00:22:57,560
Three!

399
00:22:59,480 --> 00:23:01,520
♪ Is the magic number. ♪

400
00:23:01,520 --> 00:23:04,040
Three.

401
00:23:04,040 --> 00:23:06,960
♪ Three times a lady. ♪

402
00:23:06,960 --> 00:23:09,040
Doh, doh.

403
00:23:09,040 --> 00:23:11,160
Doh.

404
00:23:13,000 --> 00:23:14,560
Doh, ray...

405
00:23:14,560 --> 00:23:16,160
Terry Wogan is doing it now!

406
00:23:16,160 --> 00:23:18,440
Doh, doh, doh.

407
00:23:18,440 --> 00:23:20,560
Next, you'll be doing
the Floral Dance!

408
00:23:20,560 --> 00:23:24,840
♪ Doh, doh, ray, me, fah, soh, la,
ti, doh! Ray, me, fah, soh,
la, ti, doh!

409
00:23:24,840 --> 00:23:27,960
♪ Ray, me, fah, soh, la, ti, doh!
Ray, me, fah, so, la, ti... ♪

410
00:23:27,960 --> 00:23:30,320
That's not! Oh, fuck!

411
00:23:30,320 --> 00:23:33,200
You're terrible! Terrible!
I beat you.

412
00:23:33,200 --> 00:23:36,680
I beat you, I beat you. I... Yeah.

413
00:23:51,520 --> 00:23:54,880
You all right with your bags?

414
00:23:54,880 --> 00:23:57,800
Right!
Well, thank you very much.

415
00:23:57,800 --> 00:24:00,920
Thank you very much!
I really appreciate you doing this.

416
00:24:00,920 --> 00:24:03,360
Let's have a hug. OK. Right.

417
00:24:03,360 --> 00:24:05,920
Rrrhhh! Right, cheers, mate.
No, no... Really good.

418
00:24:05,920 --> 00:24:09,800
I enjoyed it a lot and, and, yeah.
Right, well...

419
00:24:09,800 --> 00:24:12,800
You're a good, you're a good bloke,
I don't care what they say about you.

420
00:24:12,800 --> 00:24:15,040
I'll see you. OK, mate.

421
00:24:15,040 --> 00:24:18,960
Give me a ring and we'll, you know,
we'll get together.

422
00:24:18,960 --> 00:24:21,200
All right, mate.
We could... All right, bye bye!

423
00:24:21,200 --> 00:24:25,520
Bye bye!
TOOTS HORN

424
00:24:25,520 --> 00:24:31,040
Ah! Hello! The traveller returns.

425
00:24:31,040 --> 00:24:35,000
Ah! Hello. Ooh! Sorry. Hello!
I've missed you! Yeah!

426
00:24:35,000 --> 00:24:38,120
We've both missed you.

427
00:25:10,920 --> 00:25:14,640
MELANCHOLY PIANO MUSIC

428
00:26:06,640 --> 00:26:09,600
So how was he?
He was his usual self.

429
00:26:09,600 --> 00:26:11,640
His usual self.

430
00:26:24,960 --> 00:26:28,600
This is Mischa. Shut up!

431
00:26:29,480 --> 00:26:32,800
Mmm, this is delightful.

432
00:26:32,800 --> 00:26:35,080
AS RONNIE CORBETT:
One of the most delightful meals.

433
00:26:35,080 --> 00:26:37,880
One of the most... one of the most
delightful homecomings,

434
00:26:37,880 --> 00:26:40,480
I've ever enjoyed, ha ha ha.

435
00:26:41,320 --> 00:26:46,360
Mmm. Well, it did stick to the bottom
of the pan a bit, but...

436
00:26:46,360 --> 00:26:48,200
Did it? Yeah.

437
00:26:48,200 --> 00:26:50,960
Yes, I might have to give
you a bloody good spanking.

438
00:26:50,960 --> 00:26:54,800
AS HUGH GRANT: I was rather hoping
I might stick to the bottom
of your pan later!

439
00:27:03,680 --> 00:27:06,840
ANSWERPHONE PICKS UP

440
00:27:12,440 --> 00:27:15,560
Hi, Emma. This is Steve calling.

441
00:27:15,560 --> 00:27:18,920
Just to say I've thought
it over and I, I...

442
00:27:18,920 --> 00:27:22,480
I'm not gonna do the HBO pilot.

443
00:27:22,480 --> 00:27:24,720
I'm not gonna spend
seven years in the US.

444
00:27:24,720 --> 00:27:28,840
I've got kids. Yeah, that's it. Bye.

445
00:27:30,320 --> 00:27:32,280
Mmm! Mmm!

446
00:27:32,280 --> 00:27:35,440
I don't like... I don't like
being away from you. No.

447
00:27:35,440 --> 00:27:37,560
I don't like you being away from me.

448
00:27:37,560 --> 00:27:39,440
Oh, hello, there we are.

449
00:27:39,440 --> 00:27:42,600
There we go. All present and correct.
Mmm.

450
00:27:49,600 --> 00:27:54,600
I think three days should be
the maximum that I stay away for.

451
00:27:54,600 --> 00:27:58,680
Mmm. Not this long. Mmm.