1 00:00:01,546 --> 00:00:03,166 This programme contains some strong language. 2 00:00:09,040 --> 00:00:10,880 Hello. Steve? 3 00:00:10,880 --> 00:00:12,640 Yes, who's this? 4 00:00:12,640 --> 00:00:13,720 It's Rob. 5 00:00:13,720 --> 00:00:15,040 Oh, hey, hey. 6 00:00:15,040 --> 00:00:17,811 How are you? Good, how are you? 7 00:00:17,813 --> 00:00:20,093 Yes, good, how's the show going? 8 00:00:20,093 --> 00:00:22,813 Just finished, just starting the hiatus. 9 00:00:22,813 --> 00:00:24,853 Yeah, I know, I spoke to your agent. 10 00:00:24,853 --> 00:00:28,973 Listen, the Observer wants us to do more restaurant reviews over six lunches. 11 00:00:28,973 --> 00:00:29,973 Really? 12 00:00:29,973 --> 00:00:32,813 But this time in Italy, Marbella Italia, yeah? 13 00:00:32,813 --> 00:00:35,533 Beautiful countryside, beautiful wine, 14 00:00:35,533 --> 00:00:38,133 beautiful women, beautiful food. 15 00:00:38,133 --> 00:00:39,533 What do you think? 16 00:00:39,533 --> 00:00:40,693 Well... 17 00:00:40,693 --> 00:00:42,013 And they'll fly you to Europe. 18 00:00:42,013 --> 00:00:43,573 What, first class? 19 00:00:43,573 --> 00:00:45,933 Or business or upper class Virgin. 20 00:00:51,893 --> 00:00:55,333 This is according to the Observer, 'nowhere in Italy compares 21 00:00:55,333 --> 00:00:57,813 'with Piemonte for travellers looking for a combination 22 00:00:57,813 --> 00:01:01,213 'of fine wines, gastronomy and beautiful countryside. 23 00:01:01,213 --> 00:01:03,173 'The area to explore is just an hour's drive 24 00:01:03,173 --> 00:01:05,613 'down the Autostrade from Turin. 25 00:01:05,613 --> 00:01:08,493 'From Bra, through Alba then Asti, takes you through 26 00:01:08,493 --> 00:01:12,253 'a panoply of vineyards producing Italy's greatest red wines. 27 00:01:12,253 --> 00:01:14,693 'Barolo, Barbaresco, 28 00:01:14,693 --> 00:01:16,853 Barbera. Hanna-Barbera...' 29 00:01:16,853 --> 00:01:18,893 MIMICS TWEETY: Sufferin' succotash!" 30 00:01:18,893 --> 00:01:20,653 I tawt I taw a puddy tat. 31 00:01:20,653 --> 00:01:21,893 I did! 32 00:01:23,133 --> 00:01:26,253 The Trattoria della Posta, which is where we're going, 33 00:01:26,253 --> 00:01:28,453 is set in rolling hills clad with vineyards. 34 00:01:28,453 --> 00:01:32,133 This elegant Trattoria is the ideal place for a romantic evening. 35 00:01:32,133 --> 00:01:34,613 You know I'm not a homosexual, don't you? 36 00:01:34,613 --> 00:01:36,533 No, we're not having a romantic evening, 37 00:01:36,533 --> 00:01:39,653 we are going to have a stimulating lunch. Good, good. 38 00:01:39,653 --> 00:01:43,173 And if romance should occur, we'll deal with it as it happens. 39 00:01:43,173 --> 00:01:45,933 The only time I'd ever snuggle up to you is if I was on the side 40 00:01:45,933 --> 00:01:48,053 of the Eiger on a shelf 41 00:01:48,053 --> 00:01:50,373 and not to do so would mean I'd freeze to death. 42 00:01:50,373 --> 00:01:52,533 In that situation you know what you're meant to do? 43 00:01:52,533 --> 00:01:54,973 You're meant to get as close... I know, you have to spoon. 44 00:01:54,973 --> 00:01:56,453 Spooning, yes. I know. Yes. 45 00:01:56,453 --> 00:01:59,373 You wee on each other, as well, and that's disallowed. 46 00:01:59,373 --> 00:02:02,533 Well, that's where recreation meets survival. 47 00:02:02,533 --> 00:02:06,653 I've also sorted out the music for the iPod. 48 00:02:06,653 --> 00:02:10,493 I've gone for a broad selection, a lot of Italian stuff, 49 00:02:10,493 --> 00:02:12,933 a lot of opera, obviously. 50 00:02:12,933 --> 00:02:15,133 Good, good. Don Giovanni, Rigoletto, 51 00:02:15,133 --> 00:02:18,533 Verdi, then a smattering of Wales 52 00:02:18,533 --> 00:02:21,613 and the Welsh to tie in with the beautiful countryside. 53 00:02:21,613 --> 00:02:24,733 Verdi's sounding very, very appealing right now I have to say. 54 00:02:24,733 --> 00:02:28,213 I've got some Stereophonics and some Tom Jones. 55 00:02:28,213 --> 00:02:31,853 We're not going to be doing any impersonations, are we, because we talked about that. 56 00:02:31,853 --> 00:02:35,053 No, if I sing along that's not an impersonation. 57 00:02:35,053 --> 00:02:38,933 It just so happens I bear an uncanny resemblance, 58 00:02:38,933 --> 00:02:40,773 vocally and physically to Tom. 59 00:02:40,773 --> 00:02:42,613 What because you look 75? 60 00:02:42,613 --> 00:02:44,773 Why is this? Oh! 61 00:02:46,173 --> 00:02:48,493 I promise you I haven't sabotaged the sound system 62 00:02:48,493 --> 00:02:52,613 because of my aversion to your karaoke inclination. 63 00:02:52,613 --> 00:02:54,773 Why is... There's nothing at all. 64 00:02:59,253 --> 00:03:01,173 So you knew who it is. 65 00:03:01,173 --> 00:03:03,453 Buongiorno. Buongiorno. 66 00:03:03,453 --> 00:03:04,853 Buongiorno. 67 00:03:04,853 --> 00:03:07,293 Uno. Grazie. Prego. 68 00:03:07,293 --> 00:03:09,973 What's that? What are you saying? I've asked for one of each. 69 00:03:09,973 --> 00:03:13,213 I've got to say I'm very impressed with the smattering of Italian. 70 00:03:13,213 --> 00:03:15,293 I have brushed up a little. Yes, I was just saying 71 00:03:15,293 --> 00:03:16,813 Could you tell? Yes. 72 00:03:16,813 --> 00:03:18,453 Prego. 73 00:03:18,453 --> 00:03:19,613 Grazie 74 00:03:28,133 --> 00:03:30,813 That's actually, that is, that is nice. 75 00:03:30,813 --> 00:03:33,213 I'll take your word for it. 76 00:03:34,733 --> 00:03:36,053 Grazie. 77 00:03:36,893 --> 00:03:39,533 Seriously? You're not drinking? No. 78 00:03:39,533 --> 00:03:43,093 When did this come about? I've not drunk for about nine months. 79 00:03:43,093 --> 00:03:46,013 So you're not going to drink at all on the trip? 80 00:03:46,013 --> 00:03:48,813 Wow. I'll still have fun, you know, still have a laugh. 81 00:03:48,813 --> 00:03:51,333 Just not as much of a laugh 82 00:03:57,533 --> 00:04:00,413 I'm surprised the Observer wanted you to do this again, I mean... 83 00:04:00,413 --> 00:04:04,133 Well... Neither of us know anything about, with respect, know anything about food. 84 00:04:04,133 --> 00:04:06,973 Well, I know a little bit. Well, yeah but you don't... 85 00:04:06,973 --> 00:04:10,333 When I wrote the last ones I concentrated not so much on the food. 86 00:04:10,333 --> 00:04:12,893 It was more a journey, it was the culture, it was, 87 00:04:12,893 --> 00:04:14,733 it was Wordsworth and Coleridge, 88 00:04:14,733 --> 00:04:17,613 now it's going to be Byron and Shelley. They're not double acts. 89 00:04:17,613 --> 00:04:19,893 It's not The Two Ronnies or Morecambe and Wise. 90 00:04:19,893 --> 00:04:22,813 MIMICS RONNIE CORBETT: And more's the pity because I would adore 91 00:04:22,813 --> 00:04:26,133 driving around Italy with you Steve, 92 00:04:26,133 --> 00:04:29,173 in the next sketch dressed as busty ladies singing 93 00:04:29,173 --> 00:04:32,413 a song with some choreography thrown into the middle. 94 00:04:32,413 --> 00:04:33,973 HE LAUGHS 95 00:04:38,813 --> 00:04:41,053 You know it's like second album syndrome, isn't it? 96 00:04:41,053 --> 00:04:44,653 Everyone has this amazing, expressive first album where they put everything into it 97 00:04:44,653 --> 00:04:46,733 and the second album's a bit of a damp squib. 98 00:04:46,733 --> 00:04:50,813 It's like trying to do a sequel. It's never going to be as good as the first time. Godfather II. 99 00:04:50,813 --> 00:04:53,573 Which is the one that people always mention when they try to search 100 00:04:53,573 --> 00:04:55,613 for an example of a sequel that's as good as... 101 00:04:55,613 --> 00:04:58,413 MIMICS AL PACINO: Just when I thought I was out, they put me back in 102 00:04:58,413 --> 00:05:01,013 What's this licking thing you always do? 103 00:05:01,013 --> 00:05:04,013 You look like some sort of small gecko. 104 00:05:05,053 --> 00:05:07,493 That's what he does, just when I thought, 105 00:05:07,493 --> 00:05:10,253 I'd made two terrific movies, 106 00:05:10,253 --> 00:05:12,893 they go and make another, 107 00:05:12,893 --> 00:05:15,333 I'm back in. 108 00:05:15,333 --> 00:05:19,253 It's OK, he's just doing an impersonation, it's fine. 109 00:05:19,253 --> 00:05:22,533 Look at Byron, you know, Childe Harold made him 110 00:05:22,533 --> 00:05:25,173 the most popular poet in all of Europe. 111 00:05:25,173 --> 00:05:28,293 And when he wrote that, he did the first two cantos right, 112 00:05:28,293 --> 00:05:31,213 and he said, if this is a hit I'll write more. 113 00:05:31,213 --> 00:05:34,133 If it's not a hit, I won't do any more. 114 00:05:34,133 --> 00:05:38,413 You should do the same, promise the audience you won't do any more if they don't like it. 115 00:05:38,413 --> 00:05:41,533 At the end of my successful tours and live shows? 116 00:05:48,013 --> 00:05:50,333 Oh. Oh gosh. 117 00:05:50,333 --> 00:05:51,733 Grazie. 118 00:05:51,733 --> 00:05:54,613 Grazie. 119 00:05:54,613 --> 00:05:56,253 Prego, buon appetito. 120 00:05:56,253 --> 00:05:58,333 Grazie, grazie. 121 00:06:00,413 --> 00:06:02,533 Mmm, that is lovely. 122 00:06:04,093 --> 00:06:08,373 Childe Harold, Byron wrote, was a thinly veiled self-portrait. 123 00:06:08,373 --> 00:06:09,573 I was aware of that. 124 00:06:09,573 --> 00:06:11,533 I thought we could do a similar thing with you, 125 00:06:11,533 --> 00:06:14,013 Childe Stephen, follow you on your travels and... 126 00:06:14,013 --> 00:06:16,573 It wouldn't be a pseudonym, would it? I'm called Stephen. 127 00:06:16,573 --> 00:06:18,613 Byron wasn't called Harold was he? 128 00:06:18,613 --> 00:06:23,893 No, he was actually George Gordon Lord Byron. 129 00:06:23,893 --> 00:06:25,053 Gordon. 130 00:06:25,053 --> 00:06:27,133 Understandably he... 131 00:06:27,133 --> 00:06:29,853 He ditched the Gordon. ..he ditched the Gordon. 132 00:06:29,853 --> 00:06:33,053 It's not a romantic name. It's not a poet's name, Gordon, no. 133 00:06:33,053 --> 00:06:37,013 Gordon Byron on line three. Oh, God, tell him I'm not in. 134 00:06:37,013 --> 00:06:38,693 He does my head in. 135 00:06:41,013 --> 00:06:43,093 So Childe Stephen, we'll do it as an article 136 00:06:43,093 --> 00:06:45,573 and turn it into a Sunday night serial on BBC One. 137 00:06:45,573 --> 00:06:47,133 Who plays you? 138 00:06:47,133 --> 00:06:49,333 A Sunday night costume drama about my life? 139 00:06:49,333 --> 00:06:51,333 Yes, yes. Who plays you? It could happen. 140 00:06:51,333 --> 00:06:53,973 Who plays you? I'll play myself. 141 00:06:53,973 --> 00:06:57,533 You couldn't do that, it's Childe, it's meant to be like a young man. 142 00:06:57,533 --> 00:06:59,733 You could have Jude Law. 143 00:06:59,733 --> 00:07:01,253 Jude Law's 40 plus. 144 00:07:01,253 --> 00:07:03,493 He doesn't look it. He hasn't aged like you and I? 145 00:07:03,493 --> 00:07:06,053 He's balding. Yeah, but he's got that face, he doesn't... 146 00:07:06,053 --> 00:07:08,093 He's got that really young, bald look. 147 00:07:12,893 --> 00:07:16,693 When you played Alan Partridge, you know when he was popular, 148 00:07:16,693 --> 00:07:20,573 he was more known than you and, of course, he was older than you. 149 00:07:20,573 --> 00:07:23,373 But with me with the Rob Brydon Show, my name is in the title, 150 00:07:23,373 --> 00:07:25,213 I sort of push that. Yeah. 151 00:07:25,213 --> 00:07:26,733 If I were in a bar in a hotel in Britain 152 00:07:26,733 --> 00:07:29,093 and I wanted to have a drink with a girl, I couldn't do it. 153 00:07:29,093 --> 00:07:32,493 because there would be an assumption, "What's he do?" Go and chat to Rob Brydon. 154 00:07:32,493 --> 00:07:35,013 Yes, people think I'm affable. Affable. Well, you are. 155 00:07:35,013 --> 00:07:37,733 I'm affable. I'm not disagreeing with you. 156 00:07:37,733 --> 00:07:40,333 I'm an affable man. I'm not disagreeing with you. 157 00:07:40,333 --> 00:07:43,413 But my public persona is even more affable than I actually am. 158 00:07:43,413 --> 00:07:45,373 I'm not as affable as people think I am. 159 00:07:45,373 --> 00:07:48,093 You've made an affable rod for your own back. Yes. 160 00:07:48,093 --> 00:07:50,493 Yes, and I'm not saying I'm not affable. 161 00:07:50,493 --> 00:07:51,933 I am affable. 162 00:07:51,933 --> 00:07:55,933 But I'm not as affable as perhaps I've given people cause to think. 163 00:07:55,933 --> 00:07:57,093 Crystal clear. 164 00:07:57,093 --> 00:08:00,613 So out here, I can be off the leash. 165 00:08:00,613 --> 00:08:04,493 I can, I can let my hair, what is left of it, down. Yeah. 166 00:08:04,493 --> 00:08:07,133 And, you know, have a good time. 167 00:08:11,573 --> 00:08:13,733 Oh, lovely. 168 00:08:13,733 --> 00:08:14,733 Mmm... 169 00:08:17,053 --> 00:08:19,093 Grazie mille. 170 00:08:22,773 --> 00:08:24,373 Grazie. 171 00:08:24,373 --> 00:08:28,773 You know there's a publisher who's very interested in putting these articles into a book. 172 00:08:28,773 --> 00:08:31,933 How do they think they're going to get six articles and turn it into a book? 173 00:08:31,933 --> 00:08:36,093 Well, we would also do the ones from the Lake District, from the English ones. 174 00:08:36,093 --> 00:08:40,053 What did you think of them? I didn't read them. I was in America - acting. 175 00:08:40,053 --> 00:08:44,533 They were a lightly fictionalised account of your adventures 176 00:08:44,533 --> 00:08:46,093 in the north of England. 177 00:08:46,093 --> 00:08:49,133 How were they lightly fictionalised? The names were changed... 178 00:08:49,133 --> 00:08:52,213 What about my name? ..we kept your name but the girls' names were changed. 179 00:08:52,213 --> 00:08:56,253 How do they know it's fictionalised if it says 'Steve Coogan's Adventures in the Lake District?' 180 00:08:56,253 --> 00:08:59,373 Did you say, "brackets, penned by Rob Brydon?" No? 181 00:08:59,373 --> 00:09:01,933 Not in the traditional sense, no, no. 182 00:09:01,933 --> 00:09:04,133 But then I did do the work for you, didn't I? 183 00:09:08,013 --> 00:09:10,893 Mmm, bellissimo. 184 00:09:10,893 --> 00:09:13,653 What do you think on the Mini, then? Are you enjoying it? 185 00:09:13,653 --> 00:09:15,453 I'm presently surprised. It's a nice car 186 00:09:15,453 --> 00:09:18,853 and to drive it in Italy... Yeah? 187 00:09:18,853 --> 00:09:20,973 What? You see what I'm getting at? 188 00:09:20,973 --> 00:09:23,093 Yes, The Italian Job. Exactly yeah. 189 00:09:23,093 --> 00:09:26,453 I was wondering whether you'd booked the Mini, in Italy, 190 00:09:26,453 --> 00:09:29,333 for the Italian Job just to give you the opportunity to say, 191 00:09:29,333 --> 00:09:32,653 MIMICS MICHAEL CAINE: You're only supposed to blow the bloody doors off! 192 00:09:32,653 --> 00:09:35,613 But I've done it now. Hopefully that will be an end to it. 193 00:09:35,613 --> 00:09:36,813 Do your Michael Caine. 194 00:09:38,693 --> 00:09:41,453 Did you see him in The Dark Knight Rises? 195 00:09:41,453 --> 00:09:44,533 And his voice gets even more emotional than it's ever 196 00:09:44,533 --> 00:09:46,253 done in the past before. 197 00:09:46,253 --> 00:09:49,173 I don't want to bury you, Batman, I will not 198 00:09:49,173 --> 00:09:50,933 put you into the ground in a little box. 199 00:09:50,933 --> 00:09:53,053 I will not do it, Master Bruce, I will not do it. 200 00:09:53,053 --> 00:09:55,213 I'm not going to bury another Batman. 201 00:09:55,213 --> 00:09:57,773 Another Batman? How many Batmans has he been burying? 202 00:09:57,773 --> 00:10:00,933 How many are there? I've buried 14 Batmen... I've buried 14 Batmen... 203 00:10:00,933 --> 00:10:02,893 ...put their little pointy ears in a box... 204 00:10:02,893 --> 00:10:05,653 I'm not going to bury another nylon cloak with pointy ears 205 00:10:05,653 --> 00:10:08,133 that people wear at birthday parties. 206 00:10:08,133 --> 00:10:12,573 With the little belt, the very wide belt that is flattering to a man with an expanded girth. 207 00:10:12,573 --> 00:10:15,613 I won't do that to you, Master Bruce. I would not do it to you. 208 00:10:15,613 --> 00:10:18,293 And I won't make the voice like that. 209 00:10:18,293 --> 00:10:20,813 The voice goes even more like that. 210 00:10:20,813 --> 00:10:22,333 He's basically yodelling. 211 00:10:22,333 --> 00:10:25,213 HE YODELS 212 00:10:25,213 --> 00:10:28,253 And then Christian Bale says, "You wanted to see me." 213 00:10:28,253 --> 00:10:31,853 And when he says that he puts his tongue over. 214 00:10:31,853 --> 00:10:35,173 "I want to be a mad man, I don't want to be a normal guy." 215 00:10:35,173 --> 00:10:36,293 But you sound deaf. 216 00:10:36,293 --> 00:10:37,573 INAUDIBLE ANSWER 217 00:10:37,573 --> 00:10:40,013 Just so nobody can recognise him. 218 00:10:40,013 --> 00:10:42,493 I can't understand a word you're saying, Master Bruce. 219 00:10:42,493 --> 00:10:45,613 Talk to me as Master Bruce, not as Batman. Why, why does he? 220 00:10:45,613 --> 00:10:46,693 INAUDIBLE ANSWER 221 00:10:46,693 --> 00:10:49,093 So he can have the cloak of anonymity... 222 00:10:49,093 --> 00:10:53,213 But he doesn't though. He said, "Here's that bloke in the cloak who sounds like he's deaf again." 223 00:10:53,213 --> 00:10:55,653 It's not anonymous, is it? 224 00:10:55,653 --> 00:10:58,693 No wonder when Batman arrives and starts speaking like that 225 00:10:58,693 --> 00:11:00,733 everyone starts looking at their shoes. 226 00:11:00,733 --> 00:11:03,933 They're all thinking, "Why does he talk like that, poor fella, you know. 227 00:11:03,933 --> 00:11:07,013 And what about Tom Hardy as Bane? 228 00:11:07,013 --> 00:11:12,173 They're like competing to see who's the most, the least understandable. 229 00:11:12,173 --> 00:11:14,453 INAUDIBLE CONVERSATION 230 00:11:20,893 --> 00:11:24,533 Bane, take off your mask love, I can't catch a word you're saying. 231 00:11:24,533 --> 00:11:27,773 INAUDIBLE REPLY 232 00:11:27,773 --> 00:11:31,013 He's a wonderful actor, don't get me wrong. No, he's very good. 233 00:11:31,013 --> 00:11:34,013 Tom Hardy's very muscular so he's a terrific actor. Terrific actor. 234 00:11:34,013 --> 00:11:36,893 No, no, he's good, he's scary good, scarily good. But... 235 00:11:36,893 --> 00:11:40,213 INAUDIBLE 236 00:11:40,213 --> 00:11:42,013 I don't, I don't, I don't... 237 00:11:42,013 --> 00:11:43,693 Do you know what I think that is? 238 00:11:43,693 --> 00:11:47,253 I think that they both are very formidable actors. Yes 239 00:11:47,253 --> 00:11:51,173 Very charismatic, a little bit scary. Yes. 240 00:11:51,173 --> 00:11:53,533 Can you imagine a first AD going up to one of them going, 241 00:11:53,533 --> 00:11:56,853 "The director thinks he can't quite understand what you're saying, 242 00:11:56,853 --> 00:11:58,453 "do you want to try a different voice? 243 00:11:58,453 --> 00:12:00,333 "Do you want to try a different voice?" 244 00:12:00,333 --> 00:12:04,013 "The director's a little worried that maybe people can't understand what you're saying." 245 00:12:04,013 --> 00:12:06,813 MUMBLED REPLY 246 00:12:06,813 --> 00:12:09,813 "OK, all right, all right, no... 247 00:12:09,813 --> 00:12:13,253 "Tom says he's quite happy with the voice he's got at the moment, 248 00:12:13,253 --> 00:12:15,133 "he's happy to go with that." 249 00:12:15,133 --> 00:12:18,733 INAUDIBLE REPLY 250 00:12:20,333 --> 00:12:23,093 No, I'm just relaying what the director said. 251 00:12:23,093 --> 00:12:26,333 IRATE INAUDIBLE REPLY 252 00:12:26,333 --> 00:12:29,333 No, I understand. I understand. 253 00:12:30,973 --> 00:12:32,973 Yeah, they're both upset now. 254 00:12:37,573 --> 00:12:39,933 Is this not something we could fix in post? 255 00:12:39,933 --> 00:12:42,813 Because I think you've opened a can of worms. 256 00:12:42,813 --> 00:12:44,373 I know, I know, I'm on your side. 257 00:12:44,373 --> 00:12:47,533 I know I understand perfectly Tom, and Christian, no you too. 258 00:12:47,533 --> 00:12:49,693 Yes, no, I understand. 259 00:12:49,693 --> 00:12:52,053 I know that's what I told him, I think 260 00:12:52,053 --> 00:12:54,013 he's, I think he, yes, shall I? 261 00:12:54,013 --> 00:12:56,413 He says it's fine, just, just go with the voices. 262 00:12:58,293 --> 00:12:59,893 Yes, OK. 263 00:13:06,133 --> 00:13:10,013 I like Tom Hardy, I couldn't do what he does, I couldn't do it and neither could you. 264 00:13:10,013 --> 00:13:12,053 But he couldn't do, he couldn't do what I do. 265 00:13:12,053 --> 00:13:14,773 When you're saying something like, "See in store for details." 266 00:13:14,773 --> 00:13:17,093 No way he could do that. No, no. 267 00:13:18,333 --> 00:13:19,973 Sorry, where do I look for details? 268 00:13:19,973 --> 00:13:22,653 And when you have to talk quickly with the disclaimer at the end. 269 00:13:22,653 --> 00:13:26,253 Your home may be at risk if you don't keep up repayments, terms and conditions may apply. 270 00:13:26,253 --> 00:13:30,893 No projection, if you project you add time. Yeah. Now Hardy... 271 00:13:30,893 --> 00:13:34,893 MUFFLED SPEECH 272 00:13:34,893 --> 00:13:38,733 You got through it. Well, yeah, I'm a pro, I'm a pro, I can't be any other way. 273 00:13:38,733 --> 00:13:41,093 your average family in the middle of Coronation Street, 274 00:13:41,093 --> 00:13:43,333 "What the hell is that!" 275 00:13:43,333 --> 00:13:46,733 They're throwing things, throwing the remote at the screen. No, I'm with you. 276 00:13:46,733 --> 00:13:49,133 I can hardly understand what he's saying. 277 00:13:49,133 --> 00:13:51,133 I wouldn't say that to his face though. 278 00:13:51,133 --> 00:13:53,413 No, never, no, no... 279 00:13:53,413 --> 00:13:55,973 Never, if I see him, "Loved Batman." 280 00:13:55,973 --> 00:13:59,613 Some people said they couldn't understand you, but they're just wrong. Yeah. 281 00:13:59,613 --> 00:14:02,293 You imagine if I said there are great savings at B&Q, 282 00:14:02,293 --> 00:14:03,973 with that sort of a voice... 283 00:14:03,973 --> 00:14:06,133 Exactly. I'd be laughed out of town. 284 00:14:06,133 --> 00:14:08,653 Of course you would. Just try it. 285 00:14:08,653 --> 00:14:10,933 MUFFLED SPEECH 286 00:14:10,933 --> 00:14:12,813 That's why... Have you lost your mind? 287 00:14:12,813 --> 00:14:14,933 That's why Tom Hardy doesn't do B&Q voiceovers. 288 00:14:14,933 --> 00:14:17,373 He hasn't got the B&Q gig, has he? No, he hasn't no. 289 00:14:17,373 --> 00:14:19,813 But, equally, if I was Bane, 290 00:14:19,813 --> 00:14:22,373 "I'm going to smash you to smithereens Batman 291 00:14:22,373 --> 00:14:24,533 "and leave you lying at the bottom of a pit." 292 00:14:24,533 --> 00:14:26,533 You see that's clear, but lacks character. 293 00:14:26,533 --> 00:14:29,133 And it lacks menace, it's too reasonable. It's too reasonable. 294 00:14:29,133 --> 00:14:31,173 I'm a reasonable villain. 295 00:14:37,653 --> 00:14:40,413 Oh wow, look at that. 296 00:14:43,493 --> 00:14:46,613 Grazie. 297 00:14:46,613 --> 00:14:47,933 Grazie. 298 00:14:47,933 --> 00:14:49,973 Look at that, do you know what? 299 00:14:49,973 --> 00:14:51,173 That's just... 300 00:14:52,813 --> 00:14:55,613 There's a lovely... Mmm. Lovely... 301 00:14:55,613 --> 00:14:57,413 Game... 302 00:14:57,413 --> 00:14:58,813 We're both eating game. Mmm. 303 00:15:00,333 --> 00:15:02,853 Game's very good for you. Mmm. 304 00:15:02,853 --> 00:15:06,053 Because living in the wild, it's had lots of nutrition, 305 00:15:06,053 --> 00:15:07,653 it's been eating wild. It's been... 306 00:15:07,653 --> 00:15:11,253 Been exercising, exercising. On the run, very fit, exercise. 307 00:15:11,253 --> 00:15:13,693 So if you were to eat Mo Farah... Yeah. 308 00:15:13,693 --> 00:15:15,773 it would be fantastically beneficial. Exactly. 309 00:15:15,773 --> 00:15:20,013 It's the equivalent of eating Mo Farah if you were in a plane crash with him. Yeah, yeah. 310 00:15:20,013 --> 00:15:22,293 If you were in a crash with him... ...in the Andes. 311 00:15:22,293 --> 00:15:25,333 In the Andes. I'd eat him first, if he was dead. 312 00:15:27,333 --> 00:15:29,693 What if he was mortally wounded, you know there was 313 00:15:29,693 --> 00:15:33,173 no chance of him surviving and he'd lost all feeling in his lower body? 314 00:15:33,173 --> 00:15:36,853 Would you start to eat those fantastic legs? No, no, because that would be rude. 315 00:15:36,853 --> 00:15:39,653 Keeping the freshness. No, there's no rudeness, he's going to die, 316 00:15:39,653 --> 00:15:41,693 he's already paralysed from the waist down. 317 00:15:41,693 --> 00:15:44,173 "Mo, mo, you know you're not going get up again." 318 00:15:44,173 --> 00:15:47,453 If you put a tent up half way along and you distracted him by chatting to him. 319 00:15:47,453 --> 00:15:50,333 Possibly. About his glories at the Olympics, reliving those moments, 320 00:15:50,333 --> 00:15:52,333 you united the nation Mo, you were wonderful. 321 00:15:52,333 --> 00:15:55,333 Well, you know what, it's a bit of a silly conversation, 322 00:15:55,333 --> 00:15:58,533 but given the choice... 323 00:15:58,533 --> 00:16:00,853 I'd rather eat Mo Farah's legs than yours. 324 00:16:00,853 --> 00:16:04,173 And that's not... There's more benefit in them, I'd be the first to admit. 325 00:16:04,173 --> 00:16:07,533 Only a fool would eat my legs over Mo Farah's legs. Yeah. 326 00:16:07,533 --> 00:16:10,893 I'm trying to think who I'd eat your legs over. 327 00:16:10,893 --> 00:16:13,893 Um... Stephen Hawking. 328 00:16:13,893 --> 00:16:15,533 Yes. Yes? 329 00:16:15,533 --> 00:16:18,213 Although I'd definitely eat his brains first, before yours. 330 00:16:18,213 --> 00:16:22,053 I'd then use his chair to escape down the hill, down the Andes. 331 00:16:22,053 --> 00:16:25,013 If he was in the crash. The crash is me, you, Mo Farah 332 00:16:25,013 --> 00:16:26,213 and Stephen Hawking. 333 00:16:26,213 --> 00:16:30,053 We'd all been travelling to Argentina to do a celebrity Krypton Factor together. 334 00:16:30,053 --> 00:16:33,213 We crash, we're thinking, "How are we going to get out here?" 335 00:16:33,213 --> 00:16:34,373 And that's how we do it. 336 00:16:34,373 --> 00:16:36,973 And then realise it was all part of the Krypton Factor. 337 00:16:36,973 --> 00:16:40,213 Yeah, it was a challenge and bloody hell we've killed Mo Farah. 338 00:16:40,213 --> 00:16:42,613 And we've eaten a fair chunk of his thigh. 339 00:16:42,613 --> 00:16:44,773 But in all seriousness, you get back to England, 340 00:16:44,773 --> 00:16:47,053 you've survived the plane crash, you're on TV being 341 00:16:47,053 --> 00:16:50,813 interviewed by one your mates, like Wogan, or someone like that. 342 00:16:50,813 --> 00:16:54,533 Yeah. And Wogan's saying, So, Rob, how did you, 343 00:16:54,533 --> 00:16:56,693 how did you survive the crash in the Andes? 344 00:16:56,693 --> 00:16:58,333 You must have been pretty hungry 345 00:16:58,333 --> 00:17:00,333 when you were sitting there in the snow. 346 00:17:00,333 --> 00:17:02,853 And wondering, where am I going get my next beer from? 347 00:17:02,853 --> 00:17:06,893 A little bird tells me that you, that you ate Mo Farah's legs. 348 00:17:06,893 --> 00:17:09,573 Is that true? Did you eat his legs? No, I've heard this. 349 00:17:09,573 --> 00:17:12,733 I think this is a rumour put around by Steve Coogan, 350 00:17:12,733 --> 00:17:14,533 as he recuperates. 351 00:17:14,533 --> 00:17:17,293 Ah, the old Steve Coogan, the old Alan Partridge, 352 00:17:17,293 --> 00:17:19,013 that's a funny, that's a funny fella. 353 00:17:19,013 --> 00:17:22,013 Funny fella. And in real life, just as funny, Terry. 354 00:17:22,013 --> 00:17:23,733 I'm sure he is. An absolute ball. 355 00:17:23,733 --> 00:17:25,333 But to get back to the point though... 356 00:17:25,333 --> 00:17:27,413 No, let's talk about Steve. Let's talk about... 357 00:17:27,413 --> 00:17:30,973 In real life he's a delight. Let's talk about you... He's the kind of guy you want... 358 00:17:30,973 --> 00:17:34,053 No, let's talk about you eating Mo Farah's fucking legs. 359 00:17:34,053 --> 00:17:36,653 Tell the fucking truth about eating Mo Farah's fucking legs. 360 00:17:36,653 --> 00:17:41,253 At which point we get taken off the air. Do you think Terry'll eff and jeff like that? 361 00:17:41,253 --> 00:17:43,813 Imagine the switchboards. I know, I know. 362 00:17:43,813 --> 00:17:45,053 And I escape Scot free. 363 00:17:47,373 --> 00:17:51,013 Oh, Rob Brydon, always good to welcome him in. 364 00:17:51,013 --> 00:17:52,213 Here's Chris Rea. 365 00:17:58,653 --> 00:17:59,933 No, grazie. 366 00:18:03,693 --> 00:18:04,933 Grazie. Prego. 367 00:18:04,933 --> 00:18:07,373 The inside of this when you turn it around, 368 00:18:07,373 --> 00:18:09,853 look the beginning of a Bond film. 369 00:18:09,853 --> 00:18:12,013 Let's have a look. 370 00:18:12,013 --> 00:18:14,773 You know why those swirly things are? 371 00:18:14,773 --> 00:18:17,413 When you see them, when you're looking down the barrel of a gun, 372 00:18:17,413 --> 00:18:19,213 you know what that is, don't you? No. 373 00:18:19,213 --> 00:18:21,373 That's the rifling on the inside of the barrel. 374 00:18:21,373 --> 00:18:23,093 Rifling? Yeah. 375 00:18:23,093 --> 00:18:25,733 Rifling through your wife's handbag. It's the same thing. 376 00:18:25,733 --> 00:18:28,013 Going around and around and around. Really? 377 00:18:28,013 --> 00:18:31,093 Rifling was what they introduced after the muskets 378 00:18:31,093 --> 00:18:33,213 which had no rifling. 379 00:18:33,213 --> 00:18:36,493 On muskets the lead ball fired straight out. You know a lot about guns. 380 00:18:36,493 --> 00:18:38,893 It's just, I just pick stuff up. 381 00:18:38,893 --> 00:18:41,453 You just picked it up, Mr Coogan? 382 00:18:41,453 --> 00:18:45,053 Both of these weapons were found underneath your bed 383 00:18:45,053 --> 00:18:47,773 on the night of the offence. Well, a shotgun has no rifling in it, 384 00:18:47,773 --> 00:18:50,053 that's why you can't call a shotgun a rifle. 385 00:18:50,053 --> 00:18:52,613 I don't doubt whether you can call it this, that or the other, 386 00:18:52,613 --> 00:18:56,213 what I want to know is why your finger prints were found around the trigger? 387 00:18:56,213 --> 00:18:57,853 HE CHUCKLES 388 00:18:57,853 --> 00:19:00,333 You say Mr Brydon was a friend of yours, 389 00:19:00,333 --> 00:19:03,293 yet when his bloodied corpse was found at the foot of your stairs, 390 00:19:03,293 --> 00:19:05,693 you claimed you'd had very little involvement with him. 391 00:19:05,693 --> 00:19:09,173 What was it about Mr Brydon that made you so want to kill him? 392 00:19:09,173 --> 00:19:10,893 And don't say, "Where should I start?" 393 00:19:11,853 --> 00:19:15,733 I didn't want to kill him. Occasionally I found him annoying, but no more than that. 394 00:19:15,733 --> 00:19:18,133 Might he ever have found YOU annoying, Mr Coogan? 395 00:19:18,133 --> 00:19:21,613 Might he ever have found you a little, shall we say, pompous, 396 00:19:21,613 --> 00:19:23,973 aggrandising, self-conceited 397 00:19:23,973 --> 00:19:26,853 and up his own, shall we say, arse? 398 00:19:26,853 --> 00:19:29,933 I think we shall, I think we have. I dare we say we might. 399 00:19:29,933 --> 00:19:32,573 I'm sure any relationship has its ups and downs 400 00:19:32,573 --> 00:19:35,653 and ours had perhaps more downs than ups. 401 00:19:35,653 --> 00:19:38,653 But nevertheless we had a friendship which was... 402 00:19:38,653 --> 00:19:39,933 ..stimulating. 403 00:19:39,933 --> 00:19:42,133 Stimulated by the thought of killing him? 404 00:19:42,133 --> 00:19:44,493 Because you wanted to kill him didn't you, Mr Coogan? 405 00:19:44,493 --> 00:19:47,653 I'm sure on occasion any of us who have a robust relationship 406 00:19:47,653 --> 00:19:51,413 with a friend may on occasions say, "God, I wish I could kill you." 407 00:19:51,413 --> 00:19:52,933 How can one wish to kill Mr Brydon? 408 00:19:52,933 --> 00:19:55,733 A man who brought such great joy to the nation with his small 409 00:19:55,733 --> 00:20:00,173 man in a box, his voiceovers for reputable DIY outlets, 410 00:20:00,173 --> 00:20:02,773 and his impressions of 50% of the Two Ronnies, 411 00:20:02,773 --> 00:20:07,773 how could anybody wish ill on such a cherubic figure, Mr Coogan? 412 00:20:07,773 --> 00:20:09,333 Erm... 413 00:20:09,333 --> 00:20:11,493 I'm not quite sure where the question's leading. 414 00:20:11,493 --> 00:20:13,093 Prego. Grazie. 415 00:20:13,093 --> 00:20:14,653 Grazie. Grazie. 416 00:20:14,653 --> 00:20:17,613 So Steve, you made it through to the final round where we ask you, 417 00:20:17,613 --> 00:20:19,453 how much was the meal? 418 00:20:19,453 --> 00:20:21,773 Are you going to go, Steve, don't answer yet, 419 00:20:21,773 --> 00:20:22,893 are you going to go for A... 420 00:20:22,893 --> 00:20:24,493 200 Euros. 3 Euros. 421 00:20:24,493 --> 00:20:27,453 Are you going to go for B, 5 Euros, 422 00:20:27,453 --> 00:20:30,413 or are you going to go for C, 152 Euros? 423 00:20:31,653 --> 00:20:33,653 Well, 152. 424 00:20:33,653 --> 00:20:35,013 152 Euros? 425 00:20:36,773 --> 00:20:39,493 152, you've won the car. 426 00:20:39,493 --> 00:20:41,973 You can drive a Mini away from here. 427 00:20:43,013 --> 00:20:45,413 Well, that was just right. 428 00:20:45,413 --> 00:20:47,213 Shall I drive? 429 00:20:47,213 --> 00:20:50,253 You've had three glass of Barolo, I haven't had any. All right. 430 00:20:50,253 --> 00:20:52,933 Well, I am going drive at some point on this trip. 431 00:20:52,933 --> 00:20:55,493 Perhaps...to be discussed. 432 00:20:55,493 --> 00:20:58,373 I can drive in the mornings, have a bottle at lunchtime, 433 00:20:58,373 --> 00:21:02,493 and then slump in the passenger seat in the afternoon. 434 00:21:02,493 --> 00:21:05,533 What are you doing in the boot? Just getting some music. 435 00:21:06,973 --> 00:21:08,933 One CD. Sounds ominous. 436 00:21:08,933 --> 00:21:11,773 It's not Tom Jones, is it? Alanis Morrisette. 437 00:21:12,813 --> 00:21:14,373 You're kidding me? 438 00:21:14,373 --> 00:21:17,453 It's Sally's... 439 00:21:17,453 --> 00:21:19,213 ..my wife. 440 00:21:23,733 --> 00:21:25,973 Shall er... shall we? 441 00:21:27,133 --> 00:21:28,653 Nah. 442 00:21:35,813 --> 00:21:37,573 PHONE RINGS 443 00:21:37,573 --> 00:21:40,013 Hello? Hey, Dad, it's Joe. 444 00:21:40,013 --> 00:21:43,453 Oh, hello, how are you? I'm OK, where are you? 445 00:21:43,453 --> 00:21:47,453 I'm in Italy with Rob, Rob Brydon. Buongiorno. 446 00:21:47,453 --> 00:21:50,933 That's him talking Italian, like a native. 447 00:21:50,933 --> 00:21:54,733 So maybe it's better you and I talk later on Skype at the hotel? 448 00:21:54,733 --> 00:21:56,333 All right, OK. 449 00:21:56,333 --> 00:21:58,973 Good, all right, speak to you later, bye. 450 00:22:01,813 --> 00:22:03,933 Teenagers... 451 00:22:03,933 --> 00:22:06,413 He's in Ibiza with his mum and Amy. 452 00:22:06,413 --> 00:22:08,213 Ah... 453 00:22:08,213 --> 00:22:10,133 I wondered why you were so willing to come away 454 00:22:10,133 --> 00:22:12,413 when you could have been with your kids. 455 00:22:12,413 --> 00:22:14,413 You don't get to see them very much do you? 456 00:22:14,413 --> 00:22:15,853 Well that's... 457 00:22:15,853 --> 00:22:18,573 That's why I'm quite glad that Pathology hasn't 458 00:22:18,573 --> 00:22:20,453 been picked up for a third series. 459 00:22:22,373 --> 00:22:24,773 Yeah. So, plus I'm just tired of LA. 460 00:22:27,853 --> 00:22:31,693 So your hiatus has been indefinitely extended? 461 00:22:33,133 --> 00:22:35,213 Yes, through the summer to the autumn, 462 00:22:35,213 --> 00:22:37,653 but, hopefully, not as far as the winter. 463 00:22:37,653 --> 00:22:40,773 So mid-life hiatus? Your mini hiatus 464 00:22:40,773 --> 00:22:42,493 is a mid-life hiatus. 465 00:22:42,493 --> 00:22:45,213 I know a lot of guys retired at 50 466 00:22:45,213 --> 00:22:47,333 and they say it's the best thing they ever did. 467 00:22:47,333 --> 00:22:49,653 I'm not retiring, I'm 47. 468 00:22:49,653 --> 00:22:52,013 Yes, but the time you get round to doing it you'll be 50, 469 00:22:52,013 --> 00:22:54,853 fantastic, you'll have time on your hands to do whatever you want. 470 00:22:54,853 --> 00:22:57,853 Maybe I'll end up doing a Crunchy Nut Cornflakes ad yet. 471 00:22:57,853 --> 00:22:59,213 ROB CHUCKLES 472 00:22:59,213 --> 00:23:01,293 Glory days, glory days. 473 00:23:01,293 --> 00:23:05,093 They've now passed me by, they didn't renew the contract on that, 474 00:23:05,093 --> 00:23:07,693 which is a great shame because they were ludicrously tasty. 475 00:23:07,693 --> 00:23:11,293 What doth it profit it a man if he gain an endless 476 00:23:11,293 --> 00:23:15,053 supply of Crunchy Nut Cornflakes, but sells his soul? 477 00:23:15,053 --> 00:23:16,413 Well... 478 00:23:16,413 --> 00:23:19,413 Quite a lot of money, quite a lot of money. 479 00:23:19,413 --> 00:23:22,013 Incrementally increasing year on year. 480 00:23:22,013 --> 00:23:24,213 Yes but it came to an end, didn't it? 481 00:23:24,213 --> 00:23:27,453 Yeah, I worked for two years, so it incrementally increased for two years. 482 00:23:27,453 --> 00:23:29,973 Well, one year, the first year. That's one increment. 483 00:23:29,973 --> 00:23:31,773 Yes, that's technically true. 484 00:23:34,733 --> 00:23:37,693 Do you still want to get your photograph taken outside Byron's house? 485 00:23:37,693 --> 00:23:41,013 Yes, the publishers want photos for the book. 486 00:23:41,013 --> 00:23:43,453 We can't have too many. 487 00:23:43,453 --> 00:23:45,493 1822 to 1823. 488 00:23:45,493 --> 00:23:47,253 He stayed one year in Italy. 489 00:23:47,253 --> 00:23:49,693 That's just a holiday. It was just before he died. 490 00:23:51,093 --> 00:23:54,773 He was essentially on the run from England 491 00:23:54,773 --> 00:23:57,493 because he'd, you know, slept with his sister, 492 00:23:57,493 --> 00:24:00,853 sodomised his wife and some young boys. 493 00:24:00,853 --> 00:24:02,773 Yes, some of that is out of order. 494 00:24:03,893 --> 00:24:05,773 Go back a bit further, I want to see the sign. 495 00:24:05,773 --> 00:24:08,333 But you're looking straight at my nose. You and the sign. 496 00:24:08,333 --> 00:24:11,293 But you're looking straight..isn't that too low? But you want both in. 497 00:24:11,293 --> 00:24:13,453 Yes, but what do I look like? 498 00:24:16,573 --> 00:24:19,293 It is Alarnis or Alanis? It's Alarnis. 499 00:24:19,293 --> 00:24:22,413 How do you know that? Because I just decided and that's enough. 500 00:24:22,413 --> 00:24:24,093 That's good enough. All right. 501 00:24:24,093 --> 00:24:26,213 In America people call themselves what they want. 502 00:24:26,213 --> 00:24:28,213 I'm sure her dad's probably called Alan. 503 00:24:28,213 --> 00:24:30,373 In which case it would be Alanis. 504 00:24:30,373 --> 00:24:31,893 Er, not necessarily. 505 00:24:31,893 --> 00:24:35,773 I wouldn't be surprised if there's a lot of blokes in America called Alan, 506 00:24:35,773 --> 00:24:37,773 say it's Alarn. 507 00:24:37,773 --> 00:24:41,973 I'm Alarn. There's some properties, I want you to take a look. 508 00:24:41,973 --> 00:24:44,653 And Morrisette, it's probably that she was a Morrissey fan 509 00:24:44,653 --> 00:24:47,853 and decide to call herself a Morrisette. 510 00:24:47,853 --> 00:24:49,533 Is he still going? Does he still sing now? 511 00:24:49,533 --> 00:24:53,053 # He's still singing about things that make him sad 512 00:24:53,053 --> 00:24:54,973 # and sometimes happy. 513 00:24:54,973 --> 00:24:58,013 # Now he lives in Los Angeles 514 00:24:58,013 --> 00:25:00,773 ♪ where it doesn't rain any more, any more. ♪ 515 00:25:00,773 --> 00:25:03,733 Excellent, you're doing voices, 516 00:25:03,733 --> 00:25:06,293 I'm doing voices. All is well. 517 00:25:06,293 --> 00:25:08,853 She's not American though, I will pick you up on that. 518 00:25:08,853 --> 00:25:10,733 Alanis is Canadian. 519 00:25:10,733 --> 00:25:13,933 Avril Lavigne in many ways 520 00:25:13,933 --> 00:25:16,973 is the young person's Alanis Morrisette. 521 00:25:16,973 --> 00:25:19,413 You know, I don't want to do down a young performer 522 00:25:19,413 --> 00:25:21,093 but she's no Alanis Morissette. 523 00:25:21,093 --> 00:25:23,773 Alanis Morissette is authentic, an authentic voice. 524 00:25:23,773 --> 00:25:25,933 So you do like Alanis Morissette? 525 00:25:25,933 --> 00:25:28,933 Relative to Avril Lavigne. Go on, then. 526 00:25:28,933 --> 00:25:32,733 All right, let's have a nostalgia trip back to 1995, 527 00:25:32,733 --> 00:25:35,293 when we were both but 30 years old. 528 00:25:35,293 --> 00:25:37,933 That's why Sally loves it, she was only 20 then. 529 00:25:39,213 --> 00:25:41,293 ♪ Do I stress you out? ♪ 530 00:25:41,293 --> 00:25:42,693 Yes you do. 531 00:25:42,693 --> 00:25:44,693 # My sweaters on backwards and inside out 532 00:25:44,693 --> 00:25:47,093 ♪ And you say, how appropriate. ♪ 533 00:25:47,093 --> 00:25:50,133 How appropriate. You know I can see the appeal in a woman like this. 534 00:25:50,133 --> 00:25:52,453 Volatile women are always sexy when you first meet them. 535 00:25:52,453 --> 00:25:55,453 But two years down the line you're sort of saying things like, 536 00:25:55,453 --> 00:25:58,173 "Can you put the lids back on these jars, please." 537 00:25:58,173 --> 00:26:01,733 I admire you taking a stand against society's laws 538 00:26:01,733 --> 00:26:04,453 by wearing your jumper inside out. Yeah. 539 00:26:04,453 --> 00:26:05,813 But enough is enough. 540 00:26:10,213 --> 00:26:13,173 And I am frightened by the corruptive ways of this land, 541 00:26:13,173 --> 00:26:15,373 if only I could meet my maker. 542 00:26:15,373 --> 00:26:18,453 And I am fascinated by the spiritual man. 543 00:26:18,453 --> 00:26:20,653 I am humbled by his humble nature. 544 00:26:20,653 --> 00:26:22,173 Do you know what? 545 00:26:22,173 --> 00:26:24,933 It is music that appeals to neurotic teenage girls, 546 00:26:24,933 --> 00:26:26,733 but it's actually rather good. 547 00:26:26,733 --> 00:26:29,733 Byron appealed to teenage girls. Very true, very true. 548 00:26:37,133 --> 00:26:39,653 What's this place called? Cenobio Dei Dogi. 549 00:26:39,653 --> 00:26:41,293 The dodgy hotel? 550 00:26:41,293 --> 00:26:43,013 Dogi, Dogi means ruler. 551 00:26:43,013 --> 00:26:45,453 This was the ruler's summer palace. 552 00:26:45,453 --> 00:26:48,053 The Royal Hotel in Manchester. That's a dodgy hotel. 553 00:26:57,533 --> 00:27:00,893 Look at that, it doesn't get much better than that, Rob. 554 00:27:00,893 --> 00:27:03,013 Absolutely stunning, gorgeous. 555 00:27:03,013 --> 00:27:05,053 The Dolce Vita. 556 00:27:05,053 --> 00:27:06,453 We're living the dream. 557 00:27:06,453 --> 00:27:10,013 It's funny isn't it, women that age just look straight through us don't they? 558 00:27:10,013 --> 00:27:12,613 Non-threatening. No, they don't even find us threatening. 559 00:27:12,613 --> 00:27:17,013 They don't even find me lascivious because they think I couldn't possibly be thinking like that. 560 00:27:17,013 --> 00:27:19,493 The one in blue top looks like a younger me. 561 00:27:19,493 --> 00:27:22,093 A younger, idealised version of me. 562 00:27:22,093 --> 00:27:24,373 A lovely hybrid of Springsteen and Petula. 563 00:27:24,373 --> 00:27:28,093 He's like you, after a computer has corrected all your deficiencies. 564 00:27:28,093 --> 00:27:31,533 He's an airbrushed me, isn't he? It's like the best surgeon in the world 565 00:27:31,533 --> 00:27:34,253 has been given a year with you. Yes, thank you, thank you. 566 00:27:34,253 --> 00:27:37,533 There was a time when I used to make eye contact with a woman 567 00:27:37,533 --> 00:27:39,293 and she'd flash a smile back. 568 00:27:39,293 --> 00:27:40,653 And... 569 00:27:40,653 --> 00:27:43,133 That's all it would be, just a little moment. 570 00:27:43,133 --> 00:27:46,773 Those women just, the smile you get from them is the smile 571 00:27:46,773 --> 00:27:48,733 they give to a benevolent uncle. 572 00:27:49,933 --> 00:27:51,213 Or a pest. 573 00:27:52,733 --> 00:27:56,973 They think we're two elderly homosexuals on our last tour of the Riviera before we die. 574 00:27:56,973 --> 00:27:59,933 What do you think they're saying? "Look at those two guys over there, 575 00:27:59,933 --> 00:28:02,293 "they think they're really cool. 576 00:28:02,293 --> 00:28:06,333 "They don't realise this isn't a place for old bastards like that." 577 00:28:06,333 --> 00:28:09,093 "What about the guy on the right in the white jacket? 578 00:28:09,093 --> 00:28:13,013 "I see him on the television, he in the advert for the stand-up bath. 579 00:28:13,013 --> 00:28:14,733 "He's really cool." Stand up bath? 580 00:28:14,733 --> 00:28:16,733 That's where they think they see you before. 581 00:28:16,733 --> 00:28:19,173 "I see him advertising stand up bath with door. 582 00:28:20,973 --> 00:28:24,933 "I see him advertising pet insurance policies for the over 50s." 583 00:28:24,933 --> 00:28:27,173 Let's just look this way. 584 00:28:27,173 --> 00:28:31,093 Nature never disappoints you, no rejection. 585 00:28:31,093 --> 00:28:33,373 Quite rough though. Yes. 586 00:28:33,373 --> 00:28:37,013 We're supposed to be getting a boat tomorrow going to the Bay of Poets. Are we? 587 00:28:37,013 --> 00:28:39,453 Yeah, where Byron swam.