1 00:00:01,000 --> 00:00:04,390 (PHONE RINGS) 2 00:00:04,440 --> 00:00:05,793 ROB: Hello? 3 00:00:05,840 --> 00:00:07,068 Hello, Rob. Steve Coogan. 4 00:00:07,120 --> 00:00:08,678 - Who's this? - Steve Coogan. 5 00:00:08,720 --> 00:00:09,869 Hey, how are you? 6 00:00:09,920 --> 00:00:11,558 Great, how are you? 7 00:00:11,600 --> 00:00:12,794 Yeah, good. Where are you? 8 00:00:12,840 --> 00:00:14,558 I'm in London, just got back from filming in New York. 9 00:00:14,600 --> 00:00:17,558 I play a chef, it's called Medium Rare. 10 00:00:17,600 --> 00:00:20,433 Anyway, they want me to do publicity for the launch of the series. 11 00:00:20,480 --> 00:00:21,674 (CHILD WAILS) 12 00:00:21,720 --> 00:00:23,517 They want me to do a series of restaurant reviews 13 00:00:23,560 --> 00:00:26,438 and this time, a trip to Spain. 14 00:00:32,240 --> 00:00:34,231 (SNORING) 15 00:00:43,520 --> 00:00:44,953 (DOOR CLOSES) 16 00:00:48,680 --> 00:00:50,557 (BIRDS SING) 17 00:00:56,520 --> 00:00:57,839 Gracias. 18 00:00:57,880 --> 00:01:02,351 (CALL TO PRAYER IN ARABIC) 19 00:01:29,040 --> 00:01:32,874 - Hey, good morning. - Buenos dias, amigo Coogan. 20 00:01:32,920 --> 00:01:34,558 How was the Alhambra? 21 00:01:34,600 --> 00:01:36,033 It was, er... 22 00:01:36,080 --> 00:01:38,833 Good. It was good, but it was... 23 00:01:38,880 --> 00:01:41,872 You know, beautiful, spiritual... 24 00:01:41,920 --> 00:01:44,480 - Blah, blah, blah. - Yeah, OK. 25 00:01:44,520 --> 00:01:46,954 Joe's not coming out. 26 00:01:47,000 --> 00:01:48,752 What?! Why? 27 00:01:48,800 --> 00:01:51,155 Er, his girlfriend's pregnant. 28 00:01:51,200 --> 00:01:53,395 Oh, my God! 29 00:01:53,440 --> 00:01:56,113 - Bloody hell. - What's he going to do? 30 00:01:56,160 --> 00:01:59,391 - Well, I told him he had options. - What does that mean? 31 00:01:59,440 --> 00:02:03,433 Well, he's too young to be a dad. He's not very worldly, you know? 32 00:02:03,480 --> 00:02:05,630 You know what this means, don't you? 33 00:02:06,760 --> 00:02:08,432 # Grandad 34 00:02:08,480 --> 00:02:11,756 - # Grandad, we love you! # - Haven't thought of that. 35 00:02:11,800 --> 00:02:13,836 I'd start thinking about it. 36 00:02:15,240 --> 00:02:16,639 (THEY CHUCKLE) 37 00:02:16,680 --> 00:02:18,591 He's going to be a grandad! 38 00:02:19,880 --> 00:02:22,269 Thank you, Lord. 39 00:02:27,960 --> 00:02:29,552 ROB: Look at those! 40 00:02:29,600 --> 00:02:32,558 STEVE: Oh - see, a lot of people think they're ugly cos they're modern, 41 00:02:32,600 --> 00:02:35,160 but I think they're beautiful cos they're functional. 42 00:02:35,200 --> 00:02:38,670 Tilting At Turbines, that's what I should call my book about Spain. 43 00:02:38,720 --> 00:02:40,073 EMMA: Good idea. 44 00:02:45,080 --> 00:02:48,231 EMMA: Oh, look, Maro. Isn't that where you were going to take Joe snorkelling? 45 00:02:48,280 --> 00:02:49,759 Yeah, it was, yeah. 46 00:02:49,800 --> 00:02:52,314 I brought him here as a baby when I was filming. 47 00:02:52,360 --> 00:02:53,759 How old was he? 48 00:02:53,800 --> 00:02:56,109 - About six months. - Oh! 49 00:02:56,160 --> 00:02:58,674 You know, we could still stop. We've got time. 50 00:02:58,720 --> 00:03:01,393 I'll go snorkelling with you if you want. I could be Joe. 51 00:03:01,440 --> 00:03:04,750 You, dressed in a nappy, crawling around on the beach, eating sand 52 00:03:04,800 --> 00:03:06,756 only has limited appeal. 53 00:03:06,800 --> 00:03:09,394 It wouldn't be for everyone, I mean, I'm the first to admit. 54 00:03:09,440 --> 00:03:13,479 No, it was a long time ago, when I was still married to his mum. 55 00:03:13,520 --> 00:03:14,953 Yeah... 56 00:03:16,320 --> 00:03:21,474 (AS WILLIE NELSON) # To all the girls I loved before 57 00:03:21,520 --> 00:03:25,354 # Who travelled in and out my door 58 00:03:25,400 --> 00:03:28,153 # I'm glad they came along 59 00:03:28,200 --> 00:03:30,668 # I dedicate this song 60 00:03:30,720 --> 00:03:34,030 # To all the girls I loved before 61 00:03:34,080 --> 00:03:39,677 (AS JULIO IGLESIAS) # To all the girls who cared for me... # 62 00:03:39,720 --> 00:03:41,790 (ROB HUMS) 63 00:03:41,840 --> 00:03:47,710 # Who filled my nights with... ecstasy 64 00:03:47,760 --> 00:03:51,594 # They live within my heart 65 00:03:51,640 --> 00:03:55,792 # There'll always be a part 66 00:03:55,840 --> 00:04:00,356 # Of all the girls I've loved before 67 00:04:00,400 --> 00:04:04,712 BOTH: # The winds of change are always blowing 68 00:04:04,760 --> 00:04:09,709 # And every time I try to stay 69 00:04:09,760 --> 00:04:14,834 # The winds of change continue blowing 70 00:04:14,880 --> 00:04:20,876 # And they just carry me away 71 00:04:20,920 --> 00:04:25,072 ROB: (AS WILLIE NELSON) # To all the girls we've loved before 72 00:04:25,120 --> 00:04:30,114 STEVE: (AS JULIO IGLESIAS) # We've had them in and out our doors... # 73 00:04:36,440 --> 00:04:37,793 Do you know who lives in Malaga? 74 00:04:37,840 --> 00:04:41,116 - The mayor of Malaga. - Yes, correct. 75 00:04:41,160 --> 00:04:43,230 - Thank you. - And Sean Connery. 76 00:04:43,280 --> 00:04:46,989 Marbella, Mr. Coogan, Marbella. You make the mis... He lives in Marbella. 77 00:04:47,040 --> 00:04:48,837 Yeah, but he flies into Malaga. 78 00:04:52,400 --> 00:04:56,951 (AS SEAN CONNERY) By all accounts, he is a very well-respected pillar of the society. 79 00:04:57,000 --> 00:05:00,470 (AS SEAN CONNERY) Yes, he's very active in civic duties. 80 00:05:00,520 --> 00:05:03,830 I like to get involved. The recycling, for example, 81 00:05:03,880 --> 00:05:06,758 plastics on a Friday, cardboard on a Saturday. 82 00:05:08,320 --> 00:05:09,673 "Do you expect me to talk?" 83 00:05:09,720 --> 00:05:11,870 "No, Mr. Bond, I expect you to die." 84 00:05:11,920 --> 00:05:13,433 Salad. 85 00:05:13,480 --> 00:05:14,674 Thank you. 86 00:05:14,720 --> 00:05:16,312 - Gracias. - Buen provecho! 87 00:05:16,360 --> 00:05:20,353 (AS CONNERY) When he met Cubby Broccoli and Harry Saltzman 88 00:05:20,400 --> 00:05:21,879 to discuss the role, 89 00:05:21,920 --> 00:05:24,832 as he left the meeting, they looked out of the window 90 00:05:24,880 --> 00:05:29,237 and said he - not yet - and said... What are you doing? 91 00:05:29,280 --> 00:05:31,032 (AS SEAN CONNERY) Getting ready to do Sean Connery. 92 00:05:31,080 --> 00:05:34,072 You appear to be doing him already. 93 00:05:34,120 --> 00:05:37,317 As he left the building and he walked out across Regent Street, 94 00:05:37,360 --> 00:05:38,713 they looked down and said, 95 00:05:38,760 --> 00:05:40,432 "That man is Bond, he moves 96 00:05:40,480 --> 00:05:41,674 - "like a panther." - Like a panther. 97 00:05:41,720 --> 00:05:44,280 - Like a panther. - Yes, but walking like a panther 98 00:05:44,320 --> 00:05:47,756 is not enough to bag you the role of James Bond, 99 00:05:47,800 --> 00:05:51,349 because, of course, Bond is also something of a bulldog... 100 00:05:51,400 --> 00:05:53,755 - He was primarily a panther. - He had to be... 101 00:05:53,800 --> 00:05:57,110 - He had to walk like a panther... - ...and a bulldog. 102 00:05:57,160 --> 00:06:00,357 Apologies if I've been dragging my arse round the carpet 103 00:06:00,400 --> 00:06:02,311 because I may have worms. 104 00:06:02,360 --> 00:06:04,794 I have a very itchy anus, I apologise now. 105 00:06:04,840 --> 00:06:07,798 But it's part and parcel of being a panther and a dog. 106 00:06:07,840 --> 00:06:09,239 When you introduce me to Blofeld, 107 00:06:09,280 --> 00:06:11,032 perhaps I should curl up and lick my balls. 108 00:06:11,080 --> 00:06:14,470 - (ROB BARKS) - How about when he says, 109 00:06:14,520 --> 00:06:15,794 "Ah, Mr. Bond, we meet again," 110 00:06:15,840 --> 00:06:17,671 I simply bare my teeth and go... 111 00:06:17,720 --> 00:06:19,836 (HE GROWLS) 112 00:06:21,240 --> 00:06:23,674 (AS BLOFELD) Bad dog, Mr. Bond. Bad dog. 113 00:06:29,840 --> 00:06:32,559 (AS ALAN BENNETT) Shut that door. Oh! Place is alive. 114 00:06:32,600 --> 00:06:34,830 - Do you know who I'm doing? - Do you know what really bugged...? 115 00:06:34,880 --> 00:06:36,757 - Oh, wow! - Ham. 116 00:06:36,800 --> 00:06:38,756 - Nice to see some ham. - It's just a waste. 117 00:06:38,800 --> 00:06:40,074 - Me and Rob can have it. - Here you go, Rob. 118 00:06:40,120 --> 00:06:41,519 Fill your boots. 119 00:06:47,640 --> 00:06:49,756 I think I make... I make quite a good knight, don't I? 120 00:06:49,800 --> 00:06:51,438 - Yeah. - You do, actually, yeah. 121 00:06:51,480 --> 00:06:53,835 With the best will in the world, you could never be El Cid. 122 00:06:53,880 --> 00:06:56,792 You could be a chap called Sid. Just not El Cid. 123 00:06:56,840 --> 00:06:58,068 I could be Old Cid. 124 00:06:58,120 --> 00:07:00,111 - Yeah. You could be Old Cid. - Yeah, the Old El Cid. 125 00:07:00,160 --> 00:07:02,594 Look me in the eye and tell me you think you could play El Cid 126 00:07:02,640 --> 00:07:05,279 in a remake, the Charlton Heston role. 127 00:07:08,480 --> 00:07:10,436 Never known anyone take longer to masticate. 128 00:07:10,480 --> 00:07:11,754 - I think you... - He's thinking. 129 00:07:11,800 --> 00:07:12,869 Should masticate, it's important. 130 00:07:12,920 --> 00:07:14,672 Yeah, but not for the length that you do it. 131 00:07:14,720 --> 00:07:16,790 Yes, I... I would have been a good... 132 00:07:16,840 --> 00:07:19,308 Years of my life spent looking at him going like this... 133 00:07:19,360 --> 00:07:21,715 - I would have... - (SHE LAUGHS) 134 00:07:21,760 --> 00:07:23,990 Steve, look at me. This is what I see. 135 00:07:25,920 --> 00:07:27,558 - Hm, hm, hm. - Going like that. 136 00:07:27,600 --> 00:07:28,953 Like Bob Monkhouse. 137 00:07:29,000 --> 00:07:32,549 You certainly could play Michael Hordern in El Cid. 138 00:07:32,600 --> 00:07:34,875 - Who did he play? - Someone's dad, I can't remember. 139 00:07:34,920 --> 00:07:35,716 Oh! 140 00:07:35,760 --> 00:07:37,591 - Know who Michael Hordern was? - Michael Hordern? 141 00:07:37,640 --> 00:07:39,995 - He was the voice of Paddington. - Michael Hordern would go... 142 00:07:40,040 --> 00:07:42,918 - (SINGSONG) ...Paddington Bear. - Yeah, I loved his voice! 143 00:07:42,960 --> 00:07:45,349 That wasn't Michael Hordern, that was Michael Hordern's horse. 144 00:07:45,400 --> 00:07:47,152 Michael... Hordern. 145 00:07:47,200 --> 00:07:49,316 Didn't he do No Man's Land with Gielgud? 146 00:07:49,360 --> 00:07:51,157 You wouldn't know, it was theatre. 147 00:07:51,200 --> 00:07:52,394 - But he did. - Did he? 148 00:07:52,440 --> 00:07:54,271 Yeah. You know who's doing it now? 149 00:07:54,320 --> 00:07:57,118 (AS IAN MCKELLEN) Ian McKellen. "You shall not have the ring." 150 00:07:57,160 --> 00:08:00,232 (AS IAN MCKELLEN) Ian McKellen speaks like that, with a slight... 151 00:08:00,280 --> 00:08:02,350 However, refines his northern flat vowels. 152 00:08:02,400 --> 00:08:03,674 - Finished? - Yes, gracias. 153 00:08:03,720 --> 00:08:04,709 Finito. 154 00:08:04,760 --> 00:08:06,512 Muchas gracias. 155 00:08:07,720 --> 00:08:10,598 You're missing a bit of camp-ness, you see, because Ian... 156 00:08:10,640 --> 00:08:13,359 Well, no, I think you overplayed that because... 157 00:08:13,400 --> 00:08:15,755 - No, no, no, no, no! - Because his acting, his role, 158 00:08:15,800 --> 00:08:17,153 you don't quite get it. 159 00:08:17,200 --> 00:08:18,758 - I've spoken to Ian in person. - I can speak... 160 00:08:18,800 --> 00:08:20,074 "Oh, you do make me laugh," he said. 161 00:08:20,120 --> 00:08:23,078 - I have met him many, many times! - How many times have you met him? 162 00:08:23,120 --> 00:08:24,394 - Many, many times! - How many? 163 00:08:24,440 --> 00:08:28,399 And you don't get the musicality when he throws the line 164 00:08:28,440 --> 00:08:30,192 - up to the gods... - That was good. That was good. 165 00:08:30,240 --> 00:08:33,232 ...and then brings it back down, but still with the flat vowels. 166 00:08:33,280 --> 00:08:35,919 They're very much in evidence, however much he may try 167 00:08:35,960 --> 00:08:38,918 to be received pronunciation with the vowels. 168 00:08:38,960 --> 00:08:40,109 "Oh, you do make you laugh. 169 00:08:40,160 --> 00:08:42,230 "You really... Oh, you do make me laugh. 170 00:08:42,280 --> 00:08:46,273 "Oh, we need a laugh, don't we? Oh, you do make me laugh, Rob. You do." 171 00:08:46,320 --> 00:08:48,436 Does he do that more in private, though? 172 00:08:48,480 --> 00:08:50,710 Cos when he met me, he said, "You're a very good actor." 173 00:08:54,640 --> 00:08:57,359 - ALL: Ooh! - Enjoy. 174 00:08:57,400 --> 00:08:59,038 Thank you. Gracias. 175 00:08:59,080 --> 00:09:02,072 Do you want to come back with me? I can get you on the same flight. 176 00:09:02,120 --> 00:09:04,588 No, I'll stay, thank you. I'm going to write, I'm going to finish my book. 177 00:09:04,640 --> 00:09:06,995 I think the word you're looking for is "start". 178 00:09:07,040 --> 00:09:08,996 I could book you somewhere, I don't know, by the coast 179 00:09:09,040 --> 00:09:10,109 where there's a bit of life. 180 00:09:10,160 --> 00:09:12,355 - Round here? - Yeah. Well, not around here. 181 00:09:12,400 --> 00:09:14,630 - Don't send Steve to the Costa del Crime. - No. 182 00:09:14,680 --> 00:09:17,274 Anything could happen, fall in with a bad lot. 183 00:09:17,320 --> 00:09:19,515 - Do you want Mimi to come out? - (COCKNEY ACCENT) Hello, Steve. 184 00:09:19,560 --> 00:09:20,709 Seen a lot of your shows. 185 00:09:20,760 --> 00:09:24,150 Come and have a drink. Miguel, get a drink for Coogan. 186 00:09:24,200 --> 00:09:26,111 - Who's that? - Yeah, who is that? 187 00:09:26,160 --> 00:09:28,276 I'm a general, sort of, Cockney criminal. 188 00:09:28,320 --> 00:09:31,198 I'm living down on the Costa del Crime, Stephen. 189 00:09:31,240 --> 00:09:34,073 Listen, my wife, she loves a lot of your stuff. 190 00:09:34,120 --> 00:09:36,475 Not so much the Philomena, she couldn't get to grips with that. 191 00:09:36,520 --> 00:09:39,114 But she loves the Alan Partridge. 192 00:09:39,160 --> 00:09:40,354 A-ha! 193 00:09:40,400 --> 00:09:43,312 Why don't you come and join us? Have a drink. 194 00:09:43,360 --> 00:09:45,351 Yeah, is there something wrong with your tongue, mate? 195 00:09:45,400 --> 00:09:47,755 You look a bit like you've had a stroke. 196 00:09:47,800 --> 00:09:50,268 Yeah, well, I've been in the sun. Sunstroke, sweetheart. 197 00:09:50,320 --> 00:09:52,197 - Don't touch her. - What? 198 00:09:52,240 --> 00:09:54,390 This is what you've got waiting for you down the Costa... 199 00:09:54,440 --> 00:09:56,795 I'll keep you up by the back of Maro. 200 00:09:56,840 --> 00:09:58,114 If you want to take me on, Stephen, 201 00:09:58,160 --> 00:09:59,991 I will take you to Chinatown and tie you down. 202 00:10:00,040 --> 00:10:03,316 (ROUGH VOICE) If you want to do a criminal and actually commit to doing someone... 203 00:10:03,360 --> 00:10:06,272 - Who are you doing? - I'm doing Bob Hoskins, ain't I? 204 00:10:06,320 --> 00:10:08,072 - Oh, well, that helps. - This is my manor. 205 00:10:08,120 --> 00:10:10,315 Now, there's been an eruption! 206 00:10:10,360 --> 00:10:12,510 Ssh! Not too loud, Stephen. 207 00:10:12,560 --> 00:10:15,711 I used to be on On The Move, the programme for illiterate people. 208 00:10:15,760 --> 00:10:17,193 D-O-G, dog. 209 00:10:17,240 --> 00:10:20,312 C-A-T, cat. 210 00:10:20,360 --> 00:10:23,397 Wherever you see this sign, you'll get help reading and writing, 211 00:10:23,440 --> 00:10:25,237 all right?! 212 00:10:25,280 --> 00:10:28,113 Now there's been an eruption of spelling. 213 00:10:32,160 --> 00:10:35,869 Thinking about Joe, 20 is a young age to have a child. 214 00:10:35,920 --> 00:10:37,353 How old were you when you had your kids? 215 00:10:37,400 --> 00:10:38,389 43. 216 00:10:38,440 --> 00:10:41,716 - A bit of a difference. - Yes. 217 00:10:41,760 --> 00:10:44,399 I didn't drink until I was 35, had my first child at 43. 218 00:10:44,440 --> 00:10:46,237 Are the two related? We'll never know. 219 00:10:46,280 --> 00:10:48,999 How old...? What's her name, the girlfriend? 220 00:10:49,040 --> 00:10:50,996 - Helen, she's 19. - (SHE GASPS) 221 00:10:51,040 --> 00:10:52,553 19! 222 00:10:52,600 --> 00:10:54,477 Only 19 years old. 223 00:10:56,120 --> 00:10:59,795 BOTH: (AS MICHAEL CAINE) She was only 19 years old. 224 00:10:59,840 --> 00:11:01,558 I don't mean any disrespect, Steve, but... 225 00:11:01,600 --> 00:11:04,672 She was only 19, she was only... You've got to get the voice... 226 00:11:04,720 --> 00:11:07,154 You've got emotion in your voice when you say it. 227 00:11:07,200 --> 00:11:08,713 - She was only... - Now he has. 228 00:11:08,760 --> 00:11:09,715 ...19 years old. 229 00:11:09,760 --> 00:11:11,910 Joe has met a young lady... 230 00:11:11,960 --> 00:11:15,077 She was only... 19... years old. 231 00:11:15,120 --> 00:11:18,590 When Joe and Helen had a child, 232 00:11:18,640 --> 00:11:20,710 she was only 19 years old. 233 00:11:20,760 --> 00:11:23,115 She was only... It's actually 16 in the film. 234 00:11:23,160 --> 00:11:24,388 I know that. 235 00:11:24,440 --> 00:11:27,512 But Helen was only 19 years old. 236 00:11:27,560 --> 00:11:29,471 And she had a child with Joe. 237 00:11:29,520 --> 00:11:33,308 She had a grandfather who was so talented, who was so gifted... 238 00:11:33,360 --> 00:11:36,477 - He was only... - The grandfather was only 50 years old. 239 00:11:36,520 --> 00:11:37,635 50 years old. 240 00:11:40,800 --> 00:11:43,678 Hey, do you know who was born in Malaga? 241 00:11:43,720 --> 00:11:44,914 - No. - Picasso. 242 00:11:44,960 --> 00:11:46,109 - Who? - Picasso. 243 00:11:46,160 --> 00:11:48,071 - Is that true? - Yeah! 244 00:11:48,120 --> 00:11:49,712 They've opened a museum to him. 245 00:11:49,760 --> 00:11:51,193 Who played Picasso in a very popular film...? 246 00:11:51,240 --> 00:11:52,673 No, come on! 247 00:11:52,720 --> 00:11:53,869 Who was it? No, ask Emma. 248 00:11:53,920 --> 00:11:55,433 Who played Picasso? 249 00:11:55,480 --> 00:11:57,835 Guess. It's one of Rob's five impressions. 250 00:11:57,880 --> 00:12:00,599 - That should narrow it down. - It wasn't Tom Jones. 251 00:12:00,640 --> 00:12:02,073 - It wasn't Tom Jones. - No. 252 00:12:02,120 --> 00:12:03,314 Wasn't Tom Jones, OK - getting closer. 253 00:12:03,360 --> 00:12:04,554 - Spanish? - We're getting warmer. 254 00:12:04,600 --> 00:12:06,830 Tony Hopkins, Tony Hopkins played him. 255 00:12:06,880 --> 00:12:08,029 - Really? - In Surviving... 256 00:12:08,080 --> 00:12:09,399 (AS ANTHONY HOPKINS) Surviving Picasso. 257 00:12:09,440 --> 00:12:11,431 I played the painter, wonderful man. 258 00:12:11,480 --> 00:12:12,629 I don't like to talk about it. 259 00:12:12,680 --> 00:12:15,513 I like to draw. I like to put the eyes here, the nose there... 260 00:12:15,560 --> 00:12:16,913 He played Picasso as a Welshman? 261 00:12:16,960 --> 00:12:20,191 Well, he didn't do a Spanish accent, Steve. 262 00:12:20,240 --> 00:12:21,229 Did he not? 263 00:12:21,280 --> 00:12:22,679 He doesn't have your versatility, let's be honest. 264 00:12:22,720 --> 00:12:24,950 (AS ANTHONY HOPKINS) He learned to paint and he painted 265 00:12:25,000 --> 00:12:27,753 the paintings in a figurative way, he knew how to do still life. 266 00:12:27,800 --> 00:12:30,758 And he knew how to do, you know, paint the... 267 00:12:30,800 --> 00:12:32,438 (AUSTRALIAN ACCENT) Pablo, Pablo, some of the men 268 00:12:32,480 --> 00:12:34,675 are saying that you're painting in a very strange way. 269 00:12:34,720 --> 00:12:37,234 They're saying that the nose is where the eyes should be. 270 00:12:37,280 --> 00:12:39,077 Some of them are saying you're a Cubist. 271 00:12:39,120 --> 00:12:42,032 Oh, "Pablo", is it? Not "captain" or "sir"? Hm, eh? 272 00:12:42,080 --> 00:12:43,229 There are rumblings, Pablo. 273 00:12:43,280 --> 00:12:44,679 They want me to put the nose in the front of the face? 274 00:12:44,720 --> 00:12:47,359 In the middle, like that, right? And the eyes next to the nose? 275 00:12:47,400 --> 00:12:48,389 - Is that what you want? - Yes. 276 00:12:48,440 --> 00:12:51,000 (SHOUTING) Tell your men that I'll put the nose where the cheek is 277 00:12:51,040 --> 00:12:53,156 and I'll put the eyes up here and the mouth round the corner 278 00:12:53,200 --> 00:12:55,668 and we'll sail around the Cape of Good Hope, God damn your eyes, sir! 279 00:12:55,720 --> 00:12:58,154 We'll put the eyes where I want to and the nose where I want to. 280 00:12:58,200 --> 00:13:00,839 If you turn your back on me, I shall put two eyes on your back 281 00:13:00,880 --> 00:13:01,915 and a nose down by your arse. 282 00:13:01,960 --> 00:13:03,791 Do you want that, sir? Is that what you want, sir? 283 00:13:03,840 --> 00:13:04,875 Don't turn your back on me. 284 00:13:04,920 --> 00:13:06,911 I will draw you like a Cubist. That's what I'll do. 285 00:13:06,960 --> 00:13:09,554 If you turn your back on me, I'll put your nose on your bottom, sir. 286 00:13:09,600 --> 00:13:12,034 Round the Horn is a good way. Round the Horn we shall go. 287 00:13:12,080 --> 00:13:14,958 What's interesting about Picasso is, why I love him, 288 00:13:15,000 --> 00:13:17,309 his early paintings are very orthodox. 289 00:13:17,360 --> 00:13:18,918 - Very accessible. - EMMA: Yeah, yeah. 290 00:13:18,960 --> 00:13:21,349 He knew how to do all that, but he said, "That's not enough. 291 00:13:21,400 --> 00:13:24,710 "I want to rewrite the rule book and be radical and avant-garde." 292 00:13:24,760 --> 00:13:26,671 - Are you a bit like Picasso, Steve? - And that's... 293 00:13:26,720 --> 00:13:29,280 Well, I empathise with his point of view. 294 00:13:29,320 --> 00:13:31,629 Yes, he is, he is, he is, he is! He's going to say it. 295 00:13:31,680 --> 00:13:33,875 - What I'm saying is... - Can I record this? Hang on, hang on. 296 00:13:38,960 --> 00:13:42,350 I'd rather we deified people who did great things for no money. 297 00:13:42,400 --> 00:13:44,197 Those are the people we should be talking about, 298 00:13:44,240 --> 00:13:46,800 not people who can do this great thing when they made a few bob on the side 299 00:13:46,840 --> 00:13:47,875 cos they did X, Y and Z. 300 00:13:47,920 --> 00:13:50,036 I don't give a flying fuck about people who made lots of money. 301 00:13:50,080 --> 00:13:53,675 I give a fuck about people who try to change the world in a noble way. 302 00:13:55,960 --> 00:13:57,837 I agree. All I'm saying is, 303 00:13:57,880 --> 00:14:02,112 Chris Evans did very well planting palm trees in Portugal... 304 00:14:02,160 --> 00:14:03,275 I'm delighted for him. 305 00:14:03,320 --> 00:14:05,675 - ...and selling them to people who'd... - Well, that's great for him. 306 00:14:05,720 --> 00:14:08,029 I'm delighted that he's made money out of palm trees. 307 00:14:08,080 --> 00:14:09,832 - EMMA: Hola. - Hola, buenas tardes. 308 00:14:09,880 --> 00:14:13,555 Buenas tardes. I've got a reservation, Steve Coogan. 309 00:14:15,000 --> 00:14:19,232 "This castle is Gibralfaro, named after the same man as Gibraltar. 310 00:14:19,280 --> 00:14:23,159 "When the Moors came in 711, there were only a few thousand. 311 00:14:23,200 --> 00:14:27,079 "Within a couple of years, they controlled almost all of Spain." 312 00:14:27,120 --> 00:14:29,759 That's exactly the same as Isis, 313 00:14:29,800 --> 00:14:32,598 the modern caliphate, because there's only a few thousand of them 314 00:14:32,640 --> 00:14:35,313 and yet, they control half of Syria and half of Iraq. 315 00:14:35,360 --> 00:14:37,032 They're trying to emulate what the Moors did 316 00:14:37,080 --> 00:14:39,833 when they had control of everywhere from Cordoba to Baghdad. 317 00:14:39,880 --> 00:14:42,474 EMMA: Well, Isis aren't tolerant... They're not doing it with tolerance. 318 00:14:42,520 --> 00:14:44,192 No, they're not, but Islam is... 319 00:14:44,240 --> 00:14:46,435 Can we stop talking about Isis? 320 00:14:46,480 --> 00:14:49,711 Cervantes was captured by Barbary pirates and taken to Algiers 321 00:14:49,760 --> 00:14:52,877 and there was a price on his head and when the ransom was paid, 322 00:14:52,920 --> 00:14:54,751 he let his brother go instead of him. 323 00:14:54,800 --> 00:14:55,915 Is that true? 324 00:14:55,960 --> 00:14:57,951 - That is true. - He let his brother go 325 00:14:58,000 --> 00:14:59,399 - when he could have gone? - Yeah. 326 00:14:59,440 --> 00:15:00,589 - Wow! - I know. 327 00:15:00,640 --> 00:15:03,108 Not sure I'd do that. Would you do that? Let your brother go? 328 00:15:03,160 --> 00:15:05,196 Er... probably not. 329 00:15:05,240 --> 00:15:06,514 No, I don't think I would either. 330 00:15:06,560 --> 00:15:09,120 - With the best will in the world. - No. 331 00:15:09,160 --> 00:15:11,230 If my child was there, they could take my child. 332 00:15:11,280 --> 00:15:12,315 Oh, yeah, absolutely. 333 00:15:12,360 --> 00:15:13,713 I'd let any child go. 334 00:15:13,760 --> 00:15:14,829 Any child? 335 00:15:14,880 --> 00:15:18,634 Any child, as long as it... You know, not any child. 336 00:15:18,680 --> 00:15:20,557 I mean, they'd have to be worth the effort. 337 00:15:20,600 --> 00:15:23,273 Well, Cervantes, when he tried to escape, he was captured. 338 00:15:23,320 --> 00:15:25,595 He had a noose around his neck, he was taken to Hassan, 339 00:15:25,640 --> 00:15:26,834 the leader of Algiers, 340 00:15:26,880 --> 00:15:29,553 and he became his lover to literally save his neck. 341 00:15:29,600 --> 00:15:31,591 - Bum or neck? - Yes. 342 00:15:31,640 --> 00:15:33,471 - If that is what it comes down to, yes. - Life or bum. 343 00:15:33,520 --> 00:15:35,875 Well, either way, you're buggered. 344 00:15:35,920 --> 00:15:39,276 Let me say now, I'm in. I... 345 00:15:39,320 --> 00:15:41,595 - Really? - He's in, rather. He's in. 346 00:15:41,640 --> 00:15:44,029 Ah, but they become lovers, so it would be in-out, in-out. 347 00:15:44,080 --> 00:15:45,991 - See that ferry? - EMMA: Yeah. 348 00:15:46,040 --> 00:15:48,793 That's the ferry for Africa. 349 00:15:48,840 --> 00:15:50,353 - Really? - Hm. 350 00:15:53,840 --> 00:15:56,195 Yeah, it's always good to say goodbye... 351 00:15:57,560 --> 00:15:59,790 ...in the mist, like, er... 352 00:15:59,840 --> 00:16:02,638 at the end of Casablanca. 353 00:16:02,680 --> 00:16:05,069 (AS HUMPHREY BOGART) Could be the start of a beautiful friendship. 354 00:16:05,120 --> 00:16:06,951 (AS HUMPHREY BOGART) Be the start of a beautiful friendship. 355 00:16:07,000 --> 00:16:08,638 - Could be the start of... - You've got to get the depth. 356 00:16:08,680 --> 00:16:11,274 I've got the depth right there. 357 00:16:12,600 --> 00:16:14,795 Look at that mystical city. 358 00:16:18,280 --> 00:16:20,350 Right, I'm going to make a move. 359 00:16:20,400 --> 00:16:22,595 Um... early flight. 360 00:16:22,640 --> 00:16:24,915 Yeah, me too, actually. 361 00:16:24,960 --> 00:16:26,439 - Oh, yeah. - Hm. 362 00:16:27,760 --> 00:16:29,671 - Oh. - Say our goodbyes now. 363 00:16:29,720 --> 00:16:31,153 - OK, OK. - Yeah. 364 00:16:31,200 --> 00:16:33,077 - Sure you're going to be all right? - Yeah. 365 00:16:33,120 --> 00:16:36,032 Yeah, I'm going to look forward to this week, writing and... 366 00:16:36,080 --> 00:16:37,433 - All right, good. - ...what have you. 367 00:16:37,480 --> 00:16:39,630 You know. Hey! 368 00:16:39,680 --> 00:16:40,954 What can we say? 369 00:16:41,000 --> 00:16:42,319 It's been... a week. 370 00:16:42,360 --> 00:16:43,759 And I'll see you... 371 00:16:45,600 --> 00:16:47,511 In another country. 372 00:16:47,560 --> 00:16:49,357 - In the future. - Yeah, in the future. 373 00:16:49,400 --> 00:16:50,913 - Have fun now. - Yeah, OK. 374 00:16:50,960 --> 00:16:52,632 Bye. 375 00:16:52,680 --> 00:16:54,113 And we disappear into the mist. 376 00:16:55,520 --> 00:16:58,193 ROB: Could be the start of a beautiful friendship. 377 00:17:07,760 --> 00:17:10,194 (STEVE SIGHS) 378 00:17:53,200 --> 00:17:54,633 - Buenos dias. - Hi. 379 00:17:54,680 --> 00:17:56,398 - Oh, you're English! - Yeah. 380 00:17:56,440 --> 00:17:58,715 My name's Ambrose, I'm the son of the owners here. 381 00:17:58,760 --> 00:18:00,159 Oh, right! Great, great. 382 00:18:00,200 --> 00:18:02,236 - Can I help you with your bags? - Yeah, sure. 383 00:18:03,400 --> 00:18:06,233 So, this will be your room. 384 00:18:06,280 --> 00:18:08,919 Oh, this is great, yeah. Very cosy. 385 00:18:10,040 --> 00:18:13,874 Now, we thought there were going to be two of you, but... 386 00:18:13,920 --> 00:18:16,832 Yeah, my son was going to come, but he couldn't make it. 387 00:18:18,520 --> 00:18:20,431 - Well, I'll leave you now. - OK. 388 00:18:20,480 --> 00:18:22,710 - How old are you, by the way? - 17. 389 00:18:22,760 --> 00:18:24,830 Ha! OK, thank you. 390 00:18:24,880 --> 00:18:26,029 - Yep. - Thanks, Ambrose. 391 00:18:32,280 --> 00:18:34,157 (HE EXHALES LOUDLY) 392 00:18:36,640 --> 00:18:38,392 Guess who it is! 393 00:18:38,440 --> 00:18:40,192 Hey! 394 00:18:40,240 --> 00:18:41,878 How's it been? 395 00:18:41,920 --> 00:18:44,150 - It was good. - Yeah? 396 00:18:44,200 --> 00:18:46,395 - Where's the team? Hiya! - We're all here. 397 00:18:46,440 --> 00:18:48,078 Where are you? Hey! 398 00:18:48,120 --> 00:18:50,031 - We missed you. - Come on. 399 00:18:50,080 --> 00:18:53,117 Daddy! 400 00:18:53,160 --> 00:18:54,275 Oh! 401 00:18:55,760 --> 00:18:57,159 - How's my girl? - Good! 402 00:18:57,200 --> 00:18:58,315 - You good? - Good! 403 00:18:58,360 --> 00:18:59,475 Who's your favourite parent? 404 00:18:59,520 --> 00:19:01,112 - You. - Yay! 405 00:19:01,160 --> 00:19:02,752 Thanks! 406 00:19:02,800 --> 00:19:04,597 Hi. 407 00:19:04,640 --> 00:19:07,757 OVER PHONE: Hi, how are you? 408 00:19:07,800 --> 00:19:10,155 - I'm good. - Where are you? 409 00:19:10,200 --> 00:19:15,797 I'm in Andalusia, in the mountains. It's great. 410 00:19:15,840 --> 00:19:17,432 Is Joe there? 411 00:19:17,480 --> 00:19:19,152 No, he's not, no. 412 00:19:19,200 --> 00:19:21,156 Look, you should come out here. 413 00:19:21,200 --> 00:19:22,428 I can't. 414 00:19:22,480 --> 00:19:24,948 Why not? What is it, work? 415 00:19:25,000 --> 00:19:27,150 I just can't. 416 00:19:27,200 --> 00:19:29,236 Why? Why not? 417 00:19:30,600 --> 00:19:32,033 I'm pregnant. 418 00:19:33,360 --> 00:19:34,713 What? 419 00:19:34,760 --> 00:19:36,637 Yeah, I know, it's stupid. 420 00:19:36,680 --> 00:19:39,114 (DOGS HOWL IN DISTANCE) 421 00:19:39,160 --> 00:19:41,037 Well, is it mine? 422 00:19:42,480 --> 00:19:44,436 No. 423 00:19:47,960 --> 00:19:49,837 Is it Adam's? 424 00:19:49,880 --> 00:19:50,949 Yeah. 425 00:19:52,000 --> 00:19:54,070 Are you sure? 426 00:19:54,120 --> 00:19:56,236 Pretty sure. 427 00:19:56,280 --> 00:19:59,238 I thought you weren't sleeping with him any more. 428 00:19:59,280 --> 00:20:02,352 Look, I gotta go. He's waiting for me downstairs. 429 00:20:02,400 --> 00:20:05,392 What, he's back in New York? 430 00:20:05,440 --> 00:20:07,908 Yeah. Look, I gotta go. 431 00:20:09,000 --> 00:20:11,150 I'm sorry. Take care. 432 00:20:13,280 --> 00:20:15,111 (LINE DISCONNECTS) 433 00:20:20,760 --> 00:20:24,389 # Turtle on your head, turtle on your head, turtle on your head 434 00:20:24,440 --> 00:20:25,839 BOTH: # Turtle on your head Turtle on your head 435 00:20:25,880 --> 00:20:27,313 ♪ Turtle on my head. ♪ 436 00:20:27,360 --> 00:20:30,909 It's the number one song in the charts - Turtle On Your Head. 437 00:20:30,960 --> 00:20:32,916 I thought Charlie was going to be in bed. 438 00:20:32,960 --> 00:20:34,837 Technically he's in bed now, aren't you, Charlie? 439 00:20:34,880 --> 00:20:35,915 - Yep. - Cos dinner is ready. 440 00:20:35,960 --> 00:20:39,748 Hola, senor. Quiere pasar al restaurante? 441 00:20:39,800 --> 00:20:41,711 - Le apeteceria? - Er... 442 00:20:42,880 --> 00:20:44,313 - No. No esta noche. - Muy bien. 443 00:20:44,360 --> 00:20:46,954 - Soy no muy hambriento. - Muy bien, gracias. 444 00:20:51,880 --> 00:20:53,996 - Hm... - Oh, I've missed you. 445 00:20:54,040 --> 00:20:55,678 I've missed you too. 446 00:20:55,720 --> 00:20:58,678 (AS HUGH GRANT) But now Hugh is back 447 00:20:58,720 --> 00:21:03,077 and there's no reason that we can't resume hostilities 448 00:21:03,120 --> 00:21:07,750 as we did... before we left. 449 00:21:07,800 --> 00:21:09,870 - (BABY CRIES) - Oh, God. 450 00:21:09,920 --> 00:21:12,912 - Right, that's you, not me. - No, it's your turn. 451 00:21:12,960 --> 00:21:14,109 - You can climb over. - I've... 452 00:21:14,160 --> 00:21:15,718 - Come on. - I've been doing it all week. 453 00:21:15,760 --> 00:21:18,593 - I've been away for a week. - (BABY CRIES) 454 00:21:20,160 --> 00:21:23,197 Quickly and then we can get back to what we were doing. 455 00:21:23,240 --> 00:21:25,356 Oh, no, the moment's gone. You can forget that. 456 00:21:25,400 --> 00:21:27,470 - I might have fallen asleep. - (BABY CRIES) 457 00:21:27,520 --> 00:21:30,990 What's the matter? Did you drop him? Have you dropped him, eh? 458 00:21:31,040 --> 00:21:33,395 Did you want him? Yes! 459 00:21:39,960 --> 00:21:42,918 The dragon looked back from the top of the castle, he said, 460 00:21:42,960 --> 00:21:44,791 "I think you're scared of me. 461 00:21:44,840 --> 00:21:48,037 "I'm the biggest dragon in the whole world." 462 00:21:48,080 --> 00:21:50,992 - It's going to turn orange, isn't it? - Yeah. 463 00:21:51,040 --> 00:21:52,758 Right, darling, have a gorgeous day. 464 00:21:52,800 --> 00:21:55,439 Mummy's picking you up, OK, but I'll be home when you get back. 465 00:21:55,480 --> 00:21:57,152 ♪ Like a wheel within a wheel... ♪ 466 00:21:57,200 --> 00:21:58,428 - Love you. - Bye. 467 00:21:58,480 --> 00:22:00,277 See you, have a good day. 468 00:22:00,320 --> 00:22:01,435 # ...On an ever-spinning reel 469 00:22:01,480 --> 00:22:03,550 # Like a snowball down a mountain 470 00:22:03,600 --> 00:22:05,477 # Or a carnival balloon 471 00:22:05,520 --> 00:22:08,717 # Like a carousel that's turning Running rings around the moon 472 00:22:08,760 --> 00:22:12,435 # Like a clock whose hands are sweeping Past the minutes of its face 473 00:22:12,480 --> 00:22:16,712 # And the world is like an apple Whirling silently in space 474 00:22:16,760 --> 00:22:21,675 # Like the circles that you find In the windmills of your mind 475 00:22:21,720 --> 00:22:25,349 # Like a tunnel that you follow To a tunnel of its own 476 00:22:25,400 --> 00:22:28,949 # Down a hollow to a cavern Where the sun has never shone 477 00:22:29,000 --> 00:22:33,232 # Like a door that keeps revolving In a half-forgotten dream 478 00:22:33,280 --> 00:22:36,716 ♪ Or the ripples from a pebble Someone tosses in a stream... ♪ 479 00:22:36,760 --> 00:22:38,591 Hey, Joe, it's Dad. 480 00:22:40,080 --> 00:22:41,638 Hope everything is OK. 481 00:22:41,680 --> 00:22:43,591 Call me. Let's... 482 00:22:44,840 --> 00:22:47,752 ...touch base on what's going on. 483 00:22:47,800 --> 00:22:49,392 # ...In the windmills of your mind 484 00:22:49,440 --> 00:22:51,510 # Keys that jingle in your pocket 485 00:22:51,560 --> 00:22:53,630 # Words that jangle in your head 486 00:22:53,680 --> 00:22:56,148 # Why did summer go so quickly? 487 00:22:56,200 --> 00:22:57,792 # Was it something that you said? 488 00:22:57,840 --> 00:23:01,435 # Lovers walk along the shore And leave their footprints in the sand 489 00:23:01,480 --> 00:23:05,519 ♪ Is the sound of distant drumming Just the fingers ofyour hand...? ♪ 490 00:23:05,560 --> 00:23:07,357 - Hola. - Hola. 491 00:23:07,400 --> 00:23:08,719 Hola. 492 00:23:08,760 --> 00:23:12,719 # ...Half-remembered names and faces But to whom do they belong? 493 00:23:12,760 --> 00:23:17,914 # When you knew that it was over You were suddenly aware 494 00:23:17,960 --> 00:23:22,875 # That the autumn leaves were turning to the colour of her hair 495 00:23:22,920 --> 00:23:24,876 ♪ A circle in a spiral... ♪ 496 00:23:24,920 --> 00:23:26,069 Hello. 497 00:23:26,120 --> 00:23:28,714 Hey! How are you doing? 498 00:23:28,760 --> 00:23:31,797 Where are you? It's noisy. I thought you were in the mountains. 499 00:23:31,840 --> 00:23:34,400 It's just the streets here in Malaga, you know? 500 00:23:35,760 --> 00:23:37,239 You're not in a bar, are you? 501 00:23:37,280 --> 00:23:39,794 No, I'm not in a bar, no, no. Hey, listen, er... 502 00:23:39,840 --> 00:23:43,150 OK, so I'm calling because, er... 503 00:23:44,560 --> 00:23:46,516 ...um, I want to be with you. 504 00:23:47,800 --> 00:23:49,472 - I know, but... - I don't care about the baby... 505 00:23:49,520 --> 00:23:52,956 I mean, I do care about the baby. What I mean is I...I... 506 00:23:53,000 --> 00:23:57,676 You know, I'll bring it up with you. You know, we can raise it together. 507 00:23:57,720 --> 00:23:59,551 It'll have two dads. 508 00:23:59,600 --> 00:24:01,716 Lots of people do that. 509 00:24:01,760 --> 00:24:03,910 Yeah, lots of gay men. 510 00:24:03,960 --> 00:24:08,670 So it will have two dads and one mum. That's... It'll be a lucky kid. 511 00:24:08,720 --> 00:24:11,234 I don't know. I'm in New York, you're in London. 512 00:24:11,280 --> 00:24:13,874 I'll move to New York. I love New York, you know that. 513 00:24:13,920 --> 00:24:16,593 - It's... - (CHURCH BELL TOLLS) 514 00:24:16,640 --> 00:24:19,279 - Why don't you come out? - I don't know. 515 00:24:19,320 --> 00:24:21,529 Come out. I'll tell you what, we can go to the Atlas Mountains. 516 00:24:21,680 --> 00:24:23,830 You remember that hotel that you really like. 517 00:24:23,880 --> 00:24:27,668 I mean, I can get the ferry from here and, er... 518 00:24:27,720 --> 00:24:31,076 You know, I can almost see Africa from here. 519 00:25:24,240 --> 00:25:27,596 Brrrr-ah! Brrr-aaahh. 520 00:25:27,640 --> 00:25:29,517 Oh-ah! 521 00:25:29,560 --> 00:25:31,835 (HE YAWNS) 522 00:25:33,240 --> 00:25:35,913 (SLAPPING) 523 00:25:45,680 --> 00:25:48,319 (BEEPING) 524 00:26:04,920 --> 00:26:05,955 Hello. 525 00:26:07,520 --> 00:26:09,351 Nice surprise... 526 00:26:11,960 --> 00:26:13,552 You're here already. 527 00:26:13,600 --> 00:26:15,113 I've been waiting for you. 528 00:26:18,520 --> 00:26:19,794 I've missed you. 529 00:26:19,840 --> 00:26:21,398 I've missed you. 530 00:26:25,280 --> 00:26:26,474 I love you. 531 00:26:50,760 --> 00:26:52,352 Ah, fuck. 532 00:27:16,480 --> 00:27:17,595 (MOBILE RINGS) 533 00:27:17,640 --> 00:27:19,198 Hello. 534 00:27:19,240 --> 00:27:21,754 - Oh, hello. Rob? - Hiya. Emma? 535 00:27:21,800 --> 00:27:24,792 I was just wondering, have you heard from Steve? 536 00:27:24,840 --> 00:27:26,717 No. Why? Should I? 537 00:27:26,760 --> 00:27:29,593 He's checked out of the hotel and I don't know where he is. 538 00:27:29,640 --> 00:27:32,677 - Is he lost in La Mancha? - Yeah. 539 00:27:32,720 --> 00:27:36,030 He's normally on the phone to me ten times a day, which is why I'm a bit worried. 540 00:27:36,080 --> 00:27:39,277 He'll be sitting somewhere talking to a nun 541 00:27:39,320 --> 00:27:42,551 and asking her if she's heard of Judi Dench. 542 00:28:21,240 --> 00:28:25,199 (SHOUTING) Allahu Akbar! Allahu Akbar! 543 00:28:25,240 --> 00:28:27,037 # Like a circle in a spiral 544 00:28:27,080 --> 00:28:29,071 # Like a wheel within a wheel 545 00:28:29,120 --> 00:28:32,590 # Never ending or beginning On an ever-spinning reel 546 00:28:32,640 --> 00:28:34,756 # Like a snowball down a mountain 547 00:28:34,800 --> 00:28:36,756 # Or a carnival balloon 548 00:28:36,800 --> 00:28:40,236 # Like a carousel that's turning Running rings around the moon 549 00:28:40,280 --> 00:28:43,989 # Like a clock whose hands are sweeping Past the minutes of its face 550 00:28:44,040 --> 00:28:47,715 # And the world is like an apple Whirling silently in space 551 00:28:47,760 --> 00:28:49,876 # Like the circles that you find 552 00:28:49,920 --> 00:28:52,832 ♪ In the windmills of your mind. ♪