Sing, goddess,
Achilles' rage, black murderess
that cost the Greeks incalculable pain,
pitched countless souls of heroes into Hades' dark.
Left their bodies to rot as corpses
for dogs and birds.
Did you learn that last night?
- There's not a lot here is… - No.
… there really when you think about it.
No, it's not like the film.
It was all sandy beaches, wasn't it?
Greeks were camped here for 10 years.
- Too long, isn't it? - Too long to camp.
I can do a week, tops.
- In the Lake District? - Yeah, with a pillow.
I won't camp without a pillow.
I had a bad dream last night.
Oh, was it a portent?
I don't know. Just… It was bad.
I had a portent once. And no groundsheet.
Stick your head out more.
Find your light.
That's it. Do an "a-ha."
- A-ha! - Got it.
I like this. This is quite a shady spot.
Yes, I don't know if you wanna sit in direct sunlight.
Never. I never sit in direct sunlight.
- These are the starters. - Thank you.
Okay, fresh tomato soup,
with fresh basil from our garden.
Lovely. Thank you.
This is beetroot, artichoke and fava.
- Thank you. - Marvellous.
And this, baked zucchini,
zucchini flowers and mushroom.
- Enjoy your lunch, sir. - Thank you very much indeed.
- Notice he addressed all that to me. - Yeah. Why… Why is that?
Because I think he thinks that I'm your carer.
And in many ways I am.
- Cheers? - Cheers.
- Here's to an enjoyable excursion. - Yeah. Mmm.
- Mmm. Bellissimo. - Mmm-hmm-hmm-hmm.
It's very odd, isn't it, to start
a trip to Greece in Turkey?
It was The Observer's idea,
erm, to retrace the steps of, erm, Odysseus,
in the Odyssey, so that's what we're doing.
Ten-year odyssey in six days.
It's ambitious, Steve.
It might sound ambitious,
but if you think of Ulysses by James Joyce…
Thanks for telling me the author. I'd never have known.
I'm just putting the information out there in case you don't.
I don't want, you know…
It's like me saying Harry Potter by JK Rowling.
I wouldn't put Harry Potter and Ulysses in the same…
In the same camp. Apart from they're both "books."
Harry Potter has sold truckloads of books.
Yeah, but the thing is, I don't measure success by units sold.
You're obviously telling me the figures for your TV shows.
- I… Yes, but it's not… It's just… - And the consolidated ones at that.
- Yes. - 'Cause the actual time of viewing
aren't impressive. But you do tell me the consolidated figures.
It's nice to be liked, but you shouldn't go out there trying to be liked.
If you think that we have been doing these trips
for nearly 10 years, then I suppose,
in a macro sense, we've been on this odyssey for 10 years.
- Yeah? - Is it 10 years?
Yeah. It is.
Since The Lakes.
Hmm.
A bit of Richard Gere there.
- Just looking off. - Oh.
Yeah, lovely.
Yeah. And you're looking more like him as well.
That's good.
No, I wasn't being serious. I was joking.
- Oh. - You look nothing like him.
Ah.
My God, you lapped that compliment up, didn't you? Look at that.
Well, it's not unreasonable. I…
I mean, I'm wearing my years reasonably well.
Yeah, but in no way do you resemble Richard Gere.
- Okay, I don't resemble… - You look like a great Steve Coogan.
- 'Cause you're looking terrific. - And I'm happy with that.
- More than happy. - You clutched at Richard Gere.
I look better as I get older.
- Yes, you do. Yes, you do. - Lots of women say that.
I've got a man who's gonna say it. I'm saying it.
- You look better older. - Oh, thank you.
You were unpalatable as a young man.
What's this?
If I'm not mistaken, it's a Penguin Classic.
- And it's by Harry Stottle. - I know Harry, yeah.
I know all the Stottles.
Poetics. Listen to this.
"Epic poetry and the composition of tragedy as well as comedy
"and the arts of poetry and music
"are all imitations.
"Imitation comes naturally to human beings
"and so does the universal pleasure
"in imitation."
- Erm… - Not my words.
The words of Harry Stottle.
Ancient Greek culture,
very similar to Welsh culture. Very oral.
Tradition of handing stories down.
I think more than, say, Manchester, in Wales, as in Ancient Greece,
we speak the stories. With the Bard telling poetry.
No, we don't need to hand stories down in Manchester
'cause we can read and write.
Whereas the vast majority of Wales is illiterate.
- Is that what you're saying? - Oh, no.
It's the comparison of Wales with Ancient Greece.
- And what you're saying is… - I think that's legitimate.
… Socrates, Plato, Aristotle, Max Boyce…
It's an oral tradition of handing things down. It's storytelling.
It's sitting around the fire, it's sitting…
Sitting on the edge of the chair.
It's not the one
about the chap that goes into the Colosseum
- to face the lions. - When Aristotle
celebrated the art of imitation,
I don't think he was referring to dodgy Ronnie Corbett impressions.
That's a dodgy Ronnie Corbett impression, is it? Is it really, Steve?
Is it dodgy?
Are we really gonna do
Ronnie Corbett impressions.
Ten years on.
What better place to pay tribute to him.
What, than Turkey?
If I'm going to be remembered,
I would very much like it to be somewhere in Turkey.
A place that meant so much to Ronnie B and myself.
So much of art and acting is imitation.
Nothing wrong with it. You did a fantastic imitation,
er, of Stan Laurel in Stan & Ollie.
It was superb.
- Mmm. - One of the best imitations
I've ever seen.
I'm not sure it's an imitation, that's the thing.
No, it's not an imitation.
- It is a great imitation. - I can't take it.
You see, I don't like the word "imitation."
I watched it on a BAFTA screener.
I only paused it three times to go to the kitchen.
And that, in our house, that's good.
Okay, well, yeah. But you see, imitation is something I regard as…
- It's not just imitation. - It isn't an imitation.
- Bloody brilliant. - I was saying… Thank you.
I think it's impressionistic.
You had… You had this.
Yeah? You had the pause. You know the pause?
- You did that beautifully. - I certainly did.
Mmm. Now, why don't you
just stop sitting there and help me? Mmm.
Well, I… I'd try, but I… I don't know what you want me to do.
Stan Laurel and Tom Hardy. Ready?
Why don't you come and help me instead of sitting there?
I can't hear what you're saying, Tom. You always mumble your lines.
Unh.
I'm not into that. I'm a bit like Tony Hopkins.
- In so far as… - In what sense?
- Er… The… - Both had issues with drink?
Er, well, yes.
But that's not what I meant. Er…
- Struggled to form long relationships? - Again, true,
- but it's not what I'm talking about. - Okay.
What I'm talking about is actually the craft of,
- er, taking the external things… - Yes?
… and looking at yourself in the mirror and thinking, "I know who that is."
And then finding that as a way back inside the characters
to find some inner truth.
Just accept the compliment.
I was watching you
and I forgot about you.
And it was blessed relief.
And you know what? My wife said, "Rob…
"… it's like a weight
"has been lifted from your shoulders."
She said she'd not seen me look that happy
since we went to see Bruce Springsteen on Broadway.
Thank you. Well, I mean, I'll take that…
Who will you do next?
Do?
Impressions are everywhere. Look at the Oscars.
Christian Bale was Dick Cheney, that's an impression.
Steve Carell was Donald Rumsfeld, that's an impression.
Gary Oldman as Churchill, that's an impression.
- Yes, yes. - Erm, John Hurt…
I'm not an elephant.
- You sound like someone else though. - I know.
- Who do I sound like? - I'm not an elephant.
I'm not an elephant. I've just got a very large trunk.
And quite large feet and tusks.
I'm an elephant. No, I'm not an elephant. Ooh.
No wonder you call me the Elephant Man.
I've just called myself an elephant.
It sounds like sort of a CBeebies version
of The Elephant Man, what you're doing.
I'm not an elephant.
I'm just a human being.
Give me the more real imitation now.
- Do what you did with Stan. - I am not an animal.
I am a human being.
You remembered the lisp at the end.
I…
Do you realise you were wrong? You saved it.
Yeah, because I was concentrating on the truth
- rather than just an imitation. - Yeah.
Sometimes that means that the imitation falls by the wayside
because you're trying to get to something deeper or more profound.
Mine… Mine are life-enhancing celebratory.
Yours are more accurate.
Were you to do a mineral deposit study,
- more accurate. - I would say, yours are celebratory.
But mine sometimes reveal the rather unattractive side of people,
and that ultimately can be more poignant.
That's just you bringing a lot of yourself to them.
Oh. Thank you very much.
Lovely. Really nice.
I'm being bitten.
It doesn't help that we're under a tree.
Insects love to be under trees.
- Do you know why? - I went out on my land recently…
- Yeah. - … to sit under a tree…
- Thirty-six acres, isn't it? - Thirty-eight.
And I went to sit under a tree just to…
- To think? Just to think. - Well, no.
No, no, to read a book, actually. I put a blanket down,
just 'cause, you know, this tree, and I sat under it and started to read
and loads of flies started hovering over my head.
- That'll happen, yeah. - So I just got up
and just went back in the house.
- I had this idea that… - Steve Coogan, ladies and gentlemen.
Wonderful stories from Steve.
And there will be more from him at the same time next week
you must do that one about the flies under the…
Under the tree. I mean, it's wonderful stuff.
A friend said he saw you at a Lord's Taverners doing that
and had the room in the palm of his hand, that's what he said.
Wonderful story.
The new Ustinov.
Steve Coogan.
"Have you heard that story Steve's telling?"
"No, what is it?"
"Oh, he's at the house… You know the house in Sussex?"
"Yeah?" "Well, he took a book out…"
"No, go on." "He wanted to read,
"and he went out, he's got 38 acres." "Yes."
"He finds a tree, puts a blanket down…"
"Oh, it's idyllic."
"… and flies gather above his head,
"he went back in the house."
I mean, he's… Oh, god.
God. And some people say he's just Alan Partridge.
He's not.
- There's whole other sides to him. - Ah.
- Sorry, sir. Your main courses. - Oh, lovely!
- Very nice. - Thank you.
- Lamb chops. - Chops, chop, chop.
- With mint sauce. - Looks lovely!
Sir.
- Enjoy your lunch, sir. - That's lovely. Thank you very much.
- You like lamb, don't you? - I do. I love lamb.
Lamb's very good
because, erm, it doesn't lend itself to intensive farming
so if you can't make an organic choice, lamb's a safe bet.
Steve Coogan speaking earlier today at the British Farm Council.
Well, reaction has been swift.
Michael Gove is at the Ministry of Agriculture.
My publisher wants me to use the Odyssey as a peg
on which to hang my odyssey through life of the media and…
Isn't that what you wrote when we were in Spain?
A version of that, yeah, but, erm, it was successful.
So they want a sort of a variation on the theme.
I do think as you get older,
it's inevitable you repeat yourself.
This is the fourth time we've been on one of these little jaunts.
Well, originality is overrated,
'cause everything is derivative of something.
The greatest poem in the Roman empire was a rip-off of the Odyssey.
- So… - Which one?
- The Aeneid. - Oh.
Whereas the Odyssey is about Odysseus fleeing Troy to go home,
erm, the Aeneid is about a Trojan
fleeing the city, er, with his father and his son.
Where was his wife?
He just lost her along the way.
Shit happens.
But on the plus side, he went on to found Rome,
so, lose a wife, found an empire.
This feels like a kind of interrogation…
… sitting like this.
- Your dessert, sir. - Thank you.
It's custard with kunefe with black mulberry sauce.
Thank you very much. Could we have the bill, please?
- Okay, sir. - Thank you very much.
If it was an interrogation, this would be very…
This would be the nice part before the nasty, wouldn't it?
- "Let's have some dessert." - We, we'd…
Wanna make this as pleasant as possible, so…
Oh, great. Yeah, what do you want to know?
Mmm. Lovely, isn't it?
Mmm, lovely combination of textures.
This is not…
This is not too light.
- But it's light. - Hello?
Hey, Steve.
Just calling to check everything's okay.
Everything is wonderful.
- I'm here with Rob Brydon… - Hello.
… but apart from that, it's all wonderful.
Hi. Hi, Rob, how are you doing?
All is well. He's not gone missing. I'm keeping an eye on him.
- What are you talking about? - Good.
In Morocco, she was very worried when you went off the grid.
Yeah?
She was going to call the authorities,
all the newspapers,
"British comic goes missing."
Er, "British actor."
"British actor, writer, producer goes missing."
British actor goes missing. Friends say, "We had no idea
"the mental turmoil he was under."
We spoke to his close friend Rob Brydon.
Well, I must say…
Spoke to his… His associate.
We spoke to his dear confidant, Rob Brydon…
His sometime collaborator.
We spoke to popular entertainer Rob Brydon…
Light… Light entertainer Rob Brydon.
We spoke to popular light entertainer and confidant
- of troubled star, Rob Brydon… - Troubled TV funny man.
… who said, I had no idea Steve
was suffering in the way he was.
We didn't know he was suffering,
but then we realised he'd spent six days with Rob Brydon
and things started to fall into place then.
- We think this might be a cry for help. - Guys? I've got to go, guys.
Sorry, I've got to go.
Just to let you know that your boat is gonna be leaving Assos at 2:30.
So, you've got to get to Assos to the boat by 2:30, okay?
Your Range Rover will be waiting for you when you arrive…
- Get our asses in the boat when? - … In Lesbos.
Wonderful. Looking forward to it, sweetheart. Ta-ta.
Fab. All right. See you.
- Did you understand any of that? - No.
Range Rover waiting for us at Lesbos.
What did happen to you in Morocco? Where were you?
- She was properly worried. - I got… I ran out of petrol
and I fell asleep in the car for the night
and the next day, I was rescued by some very kindly Moroccan men
who took me to an oasis
where I spent a couple of nights recuperating and then I flew home.
But did I tell you about the time I was trapped in the Lake District
- in my Range Rover on a landslide. - Yes. Yeah.
And I had to spend the night there and survived on nuts and berries.
You have told me. Have I told you about when I was in a private jet
with George Clooney, I thought it was going to crash?
And it crossed my mind
that I would barely register a mention in the press.
It'd be, "George Clooney and three others perish."
If me, you and George Clooney were in a private jet…
Oh, neither of us would have got a mention.
Of course I would. It would be Steve Coogan and George Clooney.
Do you think the Daily Mail are gonna lead with you ahead of Clooney?
No, of course not. The Guardian might, no, uh…
The Guardian wouldn't.
Anyway, what were you doing in a private jet with Clooney?
Serving him.
I was going to a charity event in Edinburgh with him.
- Ah! - Sir.
This is water custard with mulberry and almonds.
- Watery custard? Thank you. - Yes.
Thank you. And the bill. Thank you very much indeed.
Thank you. Lovely.
Watery custard?
- Sounds like a euphemism. - Nah, for what?
For, er…
Looks a bit like, erm…
I'm not sure about this.
All right. Well, you join us in the leafy enclave of Adatepe
where we say Steven Coogan,
- would you like to play Guess The Bill? - Nope.
Soulless. Good Lord.
One thousand and forty-six.
But remember, that of course is in the Turkish lira.
So the question for you, Steve Coogan, is this…
Is 1,046 Turkish lira roughly £120,
er, £130,
or £150?
Can I say, Steve, it's lovely to have you back on the show.
You're looking very buff.
You could be in Boyzone so you could.
Coming from a leprechaun as it appears to be who I'm speaking to,
- erm, I'd say that was very good. - Thank you, Steve.
Thank you so much.
Erm, £120.
You're saying it's £120… No helping now from the studio audience.
And I know that you've said anything that you win tonight
you want to go to your favourite charitable foundation,
the Steve Coogan Home Renovation Fund.
The actual amount
that 1,046 Turkish lira…
Please don't clear the throat when I'm talking, is…
Roughly £130.
- What did you say? - £120.
You lose, Steve. From beautiful Turkey,
we say a thank you and a good night.
Wave.
To who?
This is what UNESCO says about Assos.
In antiquity, its hilltop location
made Assos an easily defensible port city.
The oldest Doric temple of Asia Minor,
the Temple of Athena at Assos,
is located at the top of the acropolis.
That's Lesbos.
That's the border between Asia and Europe.
It's close, isn't it?
Yeah, I could swim that.
You could not.
It's only like Byron swimming
the Hellespont from, you know, Asia to Europe in Istanbul.
That's why all the refugees come this way 'cause it's so easy.
They don't swim it. They do it in boats.
Yeah, very little boats.
Byron said of all the things he'd achieved,
swimming the Hellespont was the thing that made him most proud.
Well, fair enough.
What would you say was the thing you were most proud of?
Er, my seven BAFTAs.
Hmm. I think for me, it'd be my children.
Yeah, well, 'cause you haven't got any BAFTAs.
Though you have got children, which is interesting.
Now, William,
some of the men are not happy. There are rumblings.
Oh, there are rumblings, are there?
You tell the men that we will sail around the Cape of Good Hope
and we will sail around the horn.
I think if the weather was this nice,
they would have been a lot more relaxed.
They're loving it, Bill. They really are.
Well, thank you very much, er, Fletcher.
You don't mind if I call you Fletcher, do you?
- Call me Fletch if you like. - Thank you.
I'll call you Fletch.
- Can I call you Bill? - Yeah, of course you can.
No, I'd rather call you Mr Christian.
Not Fletch?
A-ha!
He said, "A-ha!"
Who is that?
A-ha!
You've had a huge drive then.
Yeah, it was a monster, really.
- Are you flying back now? - Yeah.
- It's Steve. Oh, my God. - Here are the keys.
Thank you.
- Yeah, enjoy. - Full tank?
Tank is full and it's a hybrid,
- so you've got the… - Steve?
- Good to know. - I've got a plane to catch.
All right, good. That's good.
Safe flight. Cheers. Bye-bye.
Steve, how are you? This is Kareem.
Do you remember me? We worked together in Mykonos.
I play the refugees in the beach.
Okay.
- Do you remember me? - Refugee?
- Yes. - How are you?
- I am Kareem. How are you? - Hi. Very good.
- I'm good. How are you? - Good, good. Good.
- Yeah, really good. - So good to see you.
- Hiya, Rob. - Rob.
Nice to meet you. I'm Kareem.
- Hello. - That's, er…
What are you doing here?
Er, well, it's not a holiday. We're with…
Actually working with… We're retracing the steps of, er, Odysseus,
you know, going from Troy to Ithaca.
What about you? Are you still with the refugees?
I'm working with the refugees still.
- What, there are refugees still here? - Yes. Yes. Yes.
- Thousands of refugees. Yes. - Thousands?
You know, maybe I need a lift.
Maybe it could be so good for you to come and see.
It's very good for your odyssey.
- I'm sorry. Now? - Yes.
I would love to, but we've got to… Where are we going next?
- We've got to… - You know what?
We're not so busy that we can't spare enough time to drop him off.
That's what odysseys are all about. Well, hop in the car.
It'll be good for Rob to see a refugee camp too.
- You're going to see a refugee camp now. - Yeah.
- It'd be good for me see a refugee camp. - Thank you guys for the lift.
- Thanks, Steve. - No worries.
It's a really nice car, Steve.
Thanks. It's not mine. It's, erm…
It was loaned to me for this…
- Us. To us. - … thing we're doing. Well, to us.
I mean, it's a hybrid, so it's half electric.
So it kind of cushions the impacts that a monster gas guzzler would have.
That's important to you, isn't it?
- Well, it is. - All of the environmental thing.
- But, er… - Steve has nine cars, Kareem.
- Nine cars. - Nine cars, yeah.
- Oh, so good, man. - That's…
- That's irrelevant. - How many of them are electric?
- I have an electric car. - Yeah.
We're writing an article…
- I'm writing an article for… - I'm writing an article.
Rob is. I'm…
Steve doesn't have time to actually write it.
He's got a lot of weighty thoughts.
- Well, I do write… - He's got to service his cars.
I mean, that takes a lot of his time.
Anyhow, so… So what's been going on?
What… What are you up to at the moment?
I'm here now to set up a cultural event.
It's a musical and dance.
- Really? - We do some music courses,
music therapy.
- They do some teaching. - Fantastic.
Some community building, inclusion.
- Great. - Here we are.
This is a small city.
Gosh.
So, what's this barbed wire for? Is it some…
Looks like a prison camp.
Is that to stop people getting in or stop them getting out?
Obviously of this camp is really prison.
It's a lot more established than I would have expected.
Really nice to meet you. Good luck with everything.
Hope it all works out.
All right, goodbye.
- Oh, Steve. - Hey, man.
- Thank you very much. - Okay, thank you. Yeah.
I'm coming to Britain. I hope to see you there.
- You've got my e-mail, so… - Yes. I will contact you.
Thank you. Do the turning here.
I will go inside.
Well, that was sobering.
Imagine living in that.
- For years and years and years. - Hmm.
Well, it's just like the Greeks, er, camped outside Troy,
best part of 10 years.
Too long. I've said it before, I'll say it again.
That's too long for camping.
A nice guy.
Er, yes. He's… Yeah, well, erm…
Yeah, he's a very nice bloke. I mean, I know him.
We worked together last year on a film.
- He said. - He played a sort of version of himself.
You didn't remember him, did you?
What? Of course I remembered him.
I bloody worked with him for a month at least,
so of course I remembered him.
Well, maybe not at first, but eventually, yeah.
I mean, "Hey, how are you doing?" You know, and…
What's his name?
I'm not gonna be tested by you asking me, "What's his name? What's his name?"
I'm not testing you. I'm just interested to see what's his name?
- Khaled. - Oh, jeez.
It's Kareem.
Okay, I got the first syllable right.
Oh, well done.
You know where the word "lesbian" comes from? Mr Bond.
Yes, well, it's from the island. From Lesbos.
Yes, but the island of Lesbos
existed before the term "lesbian."
- "Lesbian" probably… - Yes, hence lesbian comes from…
- From the island of Lesbos. - That's what I said.
All right, okay. I was just making sure you know.
Sappho was the priestess who wrote erotic poetry
to all these women she loved
and was obsessed with.
And she was the most celebrated poet,
not lesbian, but the most celebrated poets in ancient Greece.
And she was a woman. And she was a lesbian.
Sappho's poetry was accompanied by the lyre, L-Y-R-E,
- you know, those ones that… - The little guitar.
- Yeah, the little guitar… - Played by the cherub.
- Played by the cherubs. Well done. - Yes.
And that's where the word "lyric" comes from.
- Words to a lyre. - Right.
- Lyrics. - Yes.
It's a shame we're getting the ferry.
I would like to stay in the Hotel Lesbian
as I'm sure you would.
I think…
Come, come, Mr Bond, you like staying in the Hotel Lesbian
just as much as I do?
If I can get my head down in the Lesbian,
I'm more than happy.
Welcome to the Hotel Lesbian. You can check out anytime you like,
- but you can never leave. - You can never leave.
♪ Sailing
♪ I am sailing
♪ Home again
♪ Across the sea
♪ I am sailing
♪ Stormy waters
♪ To be near you
♪ To be free ♪
When I was in Australia, there was a 25-year-old girl on the crew
who'd never heard of Rod Stewart.
Never heard those two words in that order.
So when I used to go out with a girl,
I used to say, "Remember this, and remember that."
And now I just go, "When I was young, we used to do this."
♪ I am sailing
♪ Home again
♪ Across the sea
♪ I am sailing
♪ Stormy waters
♪ To be near you
♪ To be free
♪ Oh, Lord, to be near you
♪ To be free
♪ Oh, Lord, to be near you
♪ To be free ♪