- If you can get it anywhere cheaper I'll come round and cook it meself.
- We have 17 varieties of papadom.
- Offers on everything from booze to biscuits.
- Loads of 2-for-1s.
- Service with a smile.
(laughs)
- We have fresh produce.
- Delivered daily.
- Don't forget the Valco tick. - That way.
- Valco! I wasn't ready.
(laughs)
- Valco serves you right!
- [All] Valco serves you right!
- Do you want these, love? - Yes, please.
- They're called olives. - Oh.
(whistles)
- You've been whistling the same song for over two hours!
- Whistling helps me think.
- What does it help you think about? - I was wondering how much my head weighs.
- Oh, my God!
- People are always weighing themselves, but
not in separate bits.
I reckon my head must weigh about two, three stone.
- Really?
Imagine how much your arse weighs.
(laughs)
- I'll get back to you on that.
No, it's probably force of habit as well.
I'm always whistling when I'm working on the boat.
- It's not a real boat.
- Try telling that to my crew.
- It's not a real crew.
- Here, look, here.
Sonic Ken bobbed round the other night to help
me glue the radar.
She's coming on isn't she?
- What's that bit?
The garden?
- No, I dropped a sandwich on the flight deck
before it had dried.
It's a long story.
I'll have to work out where the Harriers can land.
See, I've made a start on them.
- How's the dog been?
- I tell you, if I go in one more time and see
that bastard has chewed up something else I'll have him put down I swear.
- He's probably just lonely.
- Lonely?
You ought to see him go at my cushions with my lipstick.
That is not a lonely dog.
This is a reminder to our customers that Valco
Treat Yourself Mini-bites are currently three for five
pounds so go on, treat yourself.
- Don't he hurt his little winkle on those glittery
cushions?
(laughs)
- Wait, don't you dare, you dick.
No!
You bored by any chance? - Beyond bored.
Sick of listening to Andy, a grown man, going on
about a toy boat.
- He's on about that again? - He's got a picture of it and everything.
He carries it around with him. - Really?
- Why can't he have a normal hobby like normal people?
- Because this is Andy we're talking about.
- I know, but a toy boat, what's the point?
- Women do like a man with a boat.
- What kind of woman is gonna go near him?
- I'd shag him.
Wouldn't let him do back door, though.
Not a butcher.
- Right, now, Margaret.
About your getting seniors back to work training.
I want to.
(laughs)
- Oh, I'm sorry, Gavin.
If you'd have been there you'd have been laughing too.
- Been where?
Where was that then?
- Last night, I went home into the back kitchen and
there's my Alan cooking the potatoes!
(laughs)
Can you imagine?
It was so funny.
- Right, yes.
Actually, I don't.
Were they funny potatoes?
- He'll be on Ready Steady Cook next.
- I think you probably had to have been there.
As I was saying, training.
I think you might be ready to make a tannoy announcement.
It's just to promote a special offer on all our soft drinks.
- I've never done public speaking before.
What if I get booed?
- Look, you'll be fine, you'll be fine.
The main thing to do is just to get in the
zone and just stay focused.
- Focused, right, okay.
- Yeah, focused.
- I've got that, Gavin, got that.
- Right, okay.
- Colin!
- [Colin] What?
- Shouldn't you be stocking up aisle four? - Chillax, I'm on my way now.
- I think you'll find I'm the most chillaxed person
in Valco.
- (laughs) Yeah, all right. I wish I was on what you're on.
- FYI, Colin, the closest I've been to drugs is
Bob Marley's Greatest Hits.
And what a waste of money that was.
They all sound the same.
- I was just saying hello to Leanne.
- Leanne?
Has she come back to work?
- Hey, chillax.
- Where is she?
- She's up there.
- She's a big girl.
- Yes, she is.
She's lovely!
- Leanne!
OMG!
Great to see you.
- And you.
- You smell all mumsy.
Isn't she lovely?
- She is, my darling Isabel.
There you go, have a hold.
There's your Auntie Julie.
- I always worry when I hold a baby in case I drop it.
You know like when you're near the edge of a cliff and you
feel like you might throw yourself off onto the rocks below.
- Hello, stranger!
What a lovely surprise!
(laughs)
- You all right?
- Yes.
Oh, isn't she beautiful.
- This is Uncle Gavin.
- Hello!
- You coming back?
- Not yet, no.
(growls)
- Curses!
(growls)
- Maybe soon.
- Oh, good, good.
- You'll be relieved to know that when you abandoned the
ship, it was left in safe hands.
- Oh.
Erm, I thought we'd discontinued the Frunch line.
- So did I.
- Night staff again!
One GCSE between the lot of them.
- Any idea why they're still there, Julie?
- I was just seeing to it.
- Oh, Leanne, we've missed you.
It's just so good to see you.
- [Leanne] Oh, thank you.
- [Gavin] Now, how old how old is she?
- [Intercom] I'd just like to remind our customers about our
special buy one get one free offer
- Julie.
- Yes, Leighton?
- A customer has put that she would like tuna sandwich
spread, but we're out of stock.
What can I use as an alternative? - Just put in a similar spread.
Look, here, crab, that's a bit like tuna.
Now hurry up.
The vans leave in an hour.
- Right, low-fat mayonnaise.
Crab.
- [Intercom] Any customers wishing to take advantage of our
special loyalty card promotion, there is a member of staff
in our store entrance only too willing to assist with any
inquiries.
- Collecting Vouchers for Schools?
- What school?
- Any school round here.
- The one by our estate?
- Dunno.
- No, thanks, they're evil little bastards in that school.
They piss through your letterbox.
- We've all been caught short once in a while.
I pissed in me handbag once.
- Is this your trolley?
No.
- You hear about pineapples? - No.
- If you eat them makes your jizz taste sweeter.
Read it in a dentist.
- You're joking?
- No.
- [Automatic Voice] Please put the items in the bag.
- Just a reminder to all customers that today's special
offer is 50% off all Valco hair dye.
Thank you.
(laughs)
Funny.
- What do you think of her?
- Who?
- That woman there.
- Has she nicked something?
- No, forget it, this is weird.
- No, go on, go on.
- I was just wondering, do you never ask yourself
why you're still on your own at your age? - At my age?
I'm in my prime, mate.
I can do 50 press-ups without breaking sweat.
Well, in winter.
- You're building toy boats with someone called Sonar Ken.
- Sonic Ken.
- Where are the women in your life?
Don't you want someone to grow old with? Well, older.
- There are loads of women in my life.
You should see my address book. It's like a Who's Who of people I know.
- Not women, a woman.
You totally need a woman, mate. - No, I don't, not now I've got broadband.
(laughs)
(chattering)
- Oh, we'll be putting a uniform on you if you stop any
longer, Leanne.
- Bye, Sonia.
- Take care.
- And you.
- Do you know, Leanne, motherhood really suits you.
You look stunning.
- Do I?
- You've kept your figure and everything.
Don't take this the wrong way, but you look ten years
younger since you've had thingy.
- Isabel.
- Isabel, Isabel.
You looked a little bit run down when you worked here.
Don't take any notice about what the child experts in
The Mail say.
- What do they say?
- Apparently, kids with working mums never seem to do as
well at school.
- Well, you can't believe everything you read.
- Exactly.
Ooh!
(laughs)
Well, lovely to see you, Leanne. - And you, and you.
- I can't wait till you come back to work. Take care.
Oh, you might want to just wipe its.
- Oh.
- Leighton, I need a favour, mate.
- You haven't seen a customer looking for a trolley they
haven't got, have you?
- I think that's the weirdest thing you've ever said.
- It's full of nappies and pineapples. - Oh, no, you've topped it, well done.
Listen, can I borrow your laptop? - Yeah, it's in my bag.
Use the grey one because the black one hasn't got a screen.
- You all right, Margaret?
- I'm in the zone.
- What zone?
- I'm not sure.
- Excellent.
- [Intercom] This is a special notice to all Valco
customers.
Hurry down to our fresh fruit and veg aisle where you'll
find brilliant bargains on all leafy greens.
Don't miss out on today's special offer on our Valco Treat
Yourself range.
Delicious summer berry puddings, 2-for-1.
A popular summer treat.
- DesperatelySeekingSomeone.co.uk?
- As good a place as any to find a woman for Andy.
What about her?
- Too young.
- All right.
Her?
- Way too young.
What about her?
She's all right.
- Don't think so.
- What?
- Smuggling peanuts.
- What?
- Check them nips out.
- So what?
She's a freak just because she's not wearing a bra?
- Yeah.
It's a dating website.
No one's going to read the book if they've already seen the
film are they?
- You actually thought about this haven't you?
- Yep.
- Amazing.
- Thanks.
- Sorry, mate.
Seven items or less.
- This had better be worth it. I've left the counter unmanned.
- It's not unmanned, Margaret's covering. - Exactly.
- All right, what do you think to her?
- What do you mean?
- Well, do you like the look of her?
- She's all right.
Bit old for me though.
- She's in her 50s.
- Exactly, no good for me.
- I'm a BILF.
- A what?
- A BILF.
Butchers I'd Like to--
- Whoa, whoa, whoa!
You want to have sex with butchers?
- No, no, I mean women who like butchers who I'd like to.
- Never mind, look, what do you think of Carole?
- She likes good wines.
- Alchy.
- Good food.
- Gannet.
- Walking dogs.
- Lesbian.
- So, what sort of woman would you go for?
- Well, she'd have to be fit and deaf, the perfect combo.
She'd have to have seen all the Rambos.
- Deaf?
- Yeah.
Deaf women have extra taste buds, it's a well-known fact.
She wouldn't be able to get enough of my meat.
Anyway, why would I want a web woman?
Is this what you've dragged me away from the counter for?
- Keep your wig on.
- Jesus, kids!
Get a life!
- Andy just told us to get a life.
- Yeah, yeah, I think he did.
In your case, he's got a point.
- Says the dickhead who-- - Shh, you'll say something stupid.
- You don't wanna do that.
He had this finger up a chicken's arsehole before.
Smell that!
Whoa, she looks like John Motson.
Look at that.
- Wow!
- See you later.
- Who'd leave a trolley like that?
- It's probably been left by one of them weirdos that likes
to dress up as a baby.
- And the pineapples?
- Probably shoves it up his arse to make himself cum quicker.
I just put my little finger up my Lee's.
I think he likes the surprise.
Just to remind all customers, there is a special 2-for-1
offer on Valco soft drinks.
Thank you.
- Ooh!
Excuse me, Gavin.
I don't want to sound ignorant, but what's this horrible
stuff?
- Unless I'm very much mistaken, it's tofu.
Hang on, I am mistaken, that's marinated tofu.
- Tofu, right.
I thought it were a strange cheese.
- It's easy to get these things confused.
Life would be a lot easier if it was--
- Just I had a look and I thought, "What's this?"
I had a think and I thought it's a strange cheese.
- It's not, it's tofu.
- Then I thought maybe it's not a strange cheese.
Maybe it's something else and I just don't know what.
- Well, we all live and learn.
- Then I saw you passing and I thought, "I know
what I'm gonna do, I'm gonna ask Gavin."
But you say it's not a cheese?
- No, it's tofu.
- Tofu?
Case closed.
- Look, I don't want to propel you into the
future, Margaret, but we'll be doing your tannoy
announcement at about 4 o'clock.
- 4 o'clock, okay, Gavin.
I'll get focused.
Right, I'll write it down.
Right, where's me Wills and Katie pen.
Oh, Gavin, can I borrow your pen?
- Laughing your head off at something that's not even
remotely funny.
That's what happens when you have about one hour's sleep.
- Just to let you know, all that stock's been taken off the
shelves now.
- Good, thank you.
- Leanne looked well, didn't she?
- Yes.
Always very presentable.
- I bet she'll really miss her baby when she comes
back here.
If she comes back.
- If?
- She just seemed so happy as a full-time mum.
Not working.
- Yes.
Very easy nature, Leanne.
Well respected by all the staff.
(laughs)
- We're so alike.
We could be sisters.
(laughs)
- Excuse me.
Could you--
- Sorry, sweetheart, I'm on my break.
- [Andy] There you go, bud.
- How long is it since you've been out with a woman?
A proper relationship.
Bet you've forgotten what to do, haven't you?
- Listen, pal.
Little Andy knows exactly what to do. He's seen plenty of action.
What's it to do with you, beaky?
- If it's a touchy subject.
- For your information, around about the time
Rod Hull fell off his roof.
12 years ago.
- 12 years ago?
Bet you can't even get past first base, can you?
- I can have any woman eating out of my hand like that.
- Big talk, big man.
You all right?
- Go on, you have it.
- I can't, I'm sticking to my diet.
- Sue, you've just had a beef burger and a lasagna.
- But I can't have chips except on Saturdays.
- Is that what your diet is, no chips six days a week?
- Yeah, it's killing me.
I suppose one chip's not gonna hurt, though.
- Ask her.
- Julie, we forgot to ask Leanne when she's coming
back to work.
Do you know?
- I've no idea.
Could be weeks off or tomorrow.
- Tomorrow?
Should give you all enough time to put up the bunting
to welcome her back.
- Oh, God, I hope she's not coming back that soon.
- Thank you, Sue!
It's nice to know someone appreciates me being interim
manager, even if--
- No, I'm knitting her baby a little sweater
and I can't have that finished by tomorrow.
I need about a month.
- You're still on the leg? - Yeah.
Dropping stitches like farts.
- Oh, er, don't I know you?
- Erm, do you?
- From the orphans charity.
I'm always down there raising funds.
They call me the Bob Geldof of Valco.
- Without the hair.
- No, sorry, you must be thinking of someone else.
Can I have a pound of braising steak, please?
- Course you can.
You know, you're spoiling that fella of yours.
- It's just for me.
- No, no fella?
- Divorced.
- How could he give up a beautiful woman like you?
It weren't Stevie Wonder, was it?
(laughs)
Here, a little tip for you.
Pop in a splash of red wine just at the end.
- You wouldn't like to come round and cook it for
me as well would ya?
- I can do better for that.
Dinner for two tonight at the Bridge Steakhouse.
- Oh, aye?
I bet the only thing you're interested in is the afters.
- The only afters I'm after is their sticky toffee pudding.
- Well, erm.
Yeah, why not then?
- Great.
Tell you what, give us your number.
Just in case you're running late or anything
- Okay.
Okay.
- Thank you very much, Michelle.
Ma belle.
Ding-dong.
See you at eight, gorgeous.
- Yeah.
See you later, Andy.
- Happy now?
(whistles)
- [Intercome] A final reminder to all our customers, last
chance to take advantage of our 3-for-2 deals on all Valco
home-baked fruit pies.
For today only.
- I'll tell you who left it, big fat Chinese
fella, that's who.
- How do you know that?
- Nappies, because he's got a bunch of kids to make up for
the fact they're only allowed one back in their homeland.
Pineapples give you the squits so he's obviously
trying to lose weight.
He'll bung the leftovers in the sweet and sour.
Case closed.
- So why did he leave his trolley?
- He probably got a troubling phone call on his mobile
and had to run out.
- The things that go on in this place.
Sonia on the tills told me a pigeon once flew in here.
- It did, yeah, last year.
March.
The 11th.
- Oh, I wish I'd have seen it.
Oh, it's Tommy Cooper all over again.
I nipped in kitchen to make a cup of tea, come back,
there's Tommy dead on the stage.
(sighs)
It's the story of my life!
- Oh, Julie.
Are you responsible for replacing all the Frunch
products with this?
- Yes.
- So this display was your idea?
- Don't tell me, Leanne would have done it better.
- Macadamia nuts and fruit bars.
- I'll take them off then.
- It is a triumph.
- Is it?
- Oh, yes.
It's a brilliant idea.
Fresh macadamia nuts and fruit bars together.
It's so out of the box.
- I thought I'd show a bit of initiative.
- Well done, Julie.
Really well done.
- I'm so glad you're not still angry with me.
- Angry?
- Earlier, with the display.
Honestly, Gavin, I thought you absolutely hated me.
- Oh, well, it's just a minor oversight.
It happens to us all.
You may not believe this, but I once put out a special
offer display of tuna chunks in brine instead of tuna
chunks in sunflower oil.
- No?
- I know!
I just, God's honest truth. (laughs)
- I don't know how you do it, Gavin.
Every time I feel low, you come along and pick me up.
- Oh, well.
- We make a good team, you and me, don't we?
- Well.
- We're like Ross and Rachel.
- Ross and Rachel, sorry, are they friends of yours?
- Friends of mine!
(laughs)
Hilarious!
(laughs)
- Right.
Well, you know, well done, Julie.
Really well done.
- You really are happy as you are, aren't you?
- As a shitty pig.
Oh, by the way, five stone.
- What's five stone?
- My arse.
(whistles)
- Just stay focused.
- I'd like to remind all Valco customers that we have a
special 2-for-1 on our own-brand soft drinks today.
Thank you for shopping at Valco.
Bye-bye.
- Well done, Margaret!
- Gavin, I couldn't have done it without you.
- You can let go now, please.
Yes, madam, how can I help?
- Guess who?
- I hope you haven't had your hand up a chicken's arse.
- Yep, I have.
I think they quite like it, actually. - You're sick.
- I think I quite like it. - You're really sick then.
- I need to wash my hands, though. They stink.
(guitar music)