1 00:00:00,238 --> 00:00:02,242 - If you can get it anywhere cheaper I'll come round and cook it meself. 2 00:00:02,242 --> 00:00:03,452 - We have 17 varieties of papadom. 3 00:00:03,452 --> 00:00:05,898 - Offers on everything from booze to biscuits. 4 00:00:05,998 --> 00:00:07,093 - Loads of 2-for-1s. 5 00:00:07,193 --> 00:00:08,338 - Service with a smile. 6 00:00:08,438 --> 00:00:09,512 (laughs) 7 00:00:09,612 --> 00:00:10,763 - We have fresh produce. 8 00:00:10,863 --> 00:00:11,820 - Delivered daily. 9 00:00:11,920 --> 00:00:14,069 - Don't forget the Valco tick. - That way. 10 00:00:14,169 --> 00:00:15,080 - Valco! I wasn't ready. 11 00:00:15,180 --> 00:00:16,453 (laughs) 12 00:00:16,553 --> 00:00:18,114 - Valco serves you right! 13 00:00:18,214 --> 00:00:20,797 - [All] Valco serves you right! 14 00:00:23,782 --> 00:00:25,668 - Do you want these, love? - Yes, please. 15 00:00:25,768 --> 00:00:27,681 - They're called olives. - Oh. 16 00:00:27,781 --> 00:00:30,031 (whistles) 17 00:00:31,534 --> 00:00:32,867 - You've been whistling the same song for over two hours! 18 00:00:32,867 --> 00:00:34,901 - Whistling helps me think. 19 00:00:35,001 --> 00:00:38,608 - What does it help you think about? - I was wondering how much my head weighs. 20 00:00:38,708 --> 00:00:39,865 - Oh, my God! 21 00:00:39,965 --> 00:00:41,725 - People are always weighing themselves, but 22 00:00:41,725 --> 00:00:43,659 not in separate bits. 23 00:00:43,759 --> 00:00:46,411 I reckon my head must weigh about two, three stone. 24 00:00:46,511 --> 00:00:47,395 - Really? 25 00:00:47,495 --> 00:00:49,006 Imagine how much your arse weighs. 26 00:00:49,106 --> 00:00:50,151 (laughs) 27 00:00:50,251 --> 00:00:51,632 - I'll get back to you on that. 28 00:00:51,732 --> 00:00:53,318 No, it's probably force of habit as well. 29 00:00:53,318 --> 00:00:54,881 I'm always whistling when I'm working on the boat. 30 00:00:54,881 --> 00:00:56,053 - It's not a real boat. 31 00:00:56,153 --> 00:00:58,174 - Try telling that to my crew. 32 00:00:58,274 --> 00:00:59,524 - It's not a real crew. 33 00:00:59,624 --> 00:01:01,233 - Here, look, here. 34 00:01:01,333 --> 00:01:03,153 Sonic Ken bobbed round the other night to help 35 00:01:03,153 --> 00:01:04,242 me glue the radar. 36 00:01:04,342 --> 00:01:05,548 She's coming on isn't she? 37 00:01:05,648 --> 00:01:06,381 - What's that bit? 38 00:01:06,481 --> 00:01:07,214 The garden? 39 00:01:07,314 --> 00:01:09,056 - No, I dropped a sandwich on the flight deck 40 00:01:09,056 --> 00:01:10,508 before it had dried. 41 00:01:10,608 --> 00:01:12,380 It's a long story. 42 00:01:12,480 --> 00:01:14,475 I'll have to work out where the Harriers can land. 43 00:01:14,475 --> 00:01:17,058 See, I've made a start on them. 44 00:01:20,502 --> 00:01:21,566 - How's the dog been? 45 00:01:21,666 --> 00:01:23,644 - I tell you, if I go in one more time and see 46 00:01:23,744 --> 00:01:26,809 that bastard has chewed up something else I'll have him put down I swear. 47 00:01:26,809 --> 00:01:28,221 - He's probably just lonely. 48 00:01:28,321 --> 00:01:29,426 - Lonely? 49 00:01:29,526 --> 00:01:30,854 You ought to see him go at my cushions with my lipstick. 50 00:01:30,854 --> 00:01:32,937 That is not a lonely dog. 51 00:01:33,879 --> 00:01:35,569 This is a reminder to our customers that Valco 52 00:01:35,569 --> 00:01:38,051 Treat Yourself Mini-bites are currently three for five 53 00:01:38,051 --> 00:01:40,718 pounds so go on, treat yourself. 54 00:01:42,100 --> 00:01:43,573 - Don't he hurt his little winkle on those glittery 55 00:01:43,573 --> 00:01:44,988 cushions? 56 00:01:45,088 --> 00:01:47,699 (laughs) 57 00:01:47,799 --> 00:01:49,415 - Wait, don't you dare, you dick. 58 00:01:49,515 --> 00:01:50,348 No! 59 00:01:51,592 --> 00:01:53,771 You bored by any chance? - Beyond bored. 60 00:01:53,871 --> 00:01:55,102 Sick of listening to Andy, a grown man, going on 61 00:01:55,102 --> 00:01:56,968 about a toy boat. 62 00:01:57,068 --> 00:01:59,617 - He's on about that again? - He's got a picture of it and everything. 63 00:01:59,617 --> 00:02:01,617 He carries it around with him. - Really? 64 00:02:01,717 --> 00:02:02,722 - Why can't he have a normal hobby like normal people? 65 00:02:02,722 --> 00:02:04,631 - Because this is Andy we're talking about. 66 00:02:04,731 --> 00:02:07,239 - I know, but a toy boat, what's the point? 67 00:02:07,339 --> 00:02:08,829 - Women do like a man with a boat. 68 00:02:08,929 --> 00:02:11,180 - What kind of woman is gonna go near him? 69 00:02:11,280 --> 00:02:12,530 - I'd shag him. 70 00:02:13,862 --> 00:02:15,677 Wouldn't let him do back door, though. 71 00:02:15,777 --> 00:02:16,944 Not a butcher. 72 00:02:20,554 --> 00:02:21,661 - Right, now, Margaret. 73 00:02:21,761 --> 00:02:24,010 About your getting seniors back to work training. 74 00:02:24,110 --> 00:02:25,636 I want to. 75 00:02:25,736 --> 00:02:27,819 (laughs) 76 00:02:28,822 --> 00:02:30,739 - Oh, I'm sorry, Gavin. 77 00:02:31,679 --> 00:02:35,253 If you'd have been there you'd have been laughing too. 78 00:02:35,353 --> 00:02:36,635 - Been where? 79 00:02:36,735 --> 00:02:37,638 Where was that then? 80 00:02:37,738 --> 00:02:40,380 - Last night, I went home into the back kitchen and 81 00:02:40,480 --> 00:02:43,232 there's my Alan cooking the potatoes! 82 00:02:43,332 --> 00:02:45,803 (laughs) 83 00:02:45,903 --> 00:02:47,064 Can you imagine? 84 00:02:47,164 --> 00:02:48,497 It was so funny. 85 00:02:49,994 --> 00:02:50,898 - Right, yes. 86 00:02:50,998 --> 00:02:52,214 Actually, I don't. 87 00:02:52,314 --> 00:02:53,703 Were they funny potatoes? 88 00:02:53,803 --> 00:02:55,636 - He'll be on Ready Steady Cook next. 89 00:02:55,736 --> 00:02:58,792 - I think you probably had to have been there. 90 00:02:58,892 --> 00:03:00,650 As I was saying, training. 91 00:03:00,750 --> 00:03:03,713 I think you might be ready to make a tannoy announcement. 92 00:03:03,813 --> 00:03:07,455 It's just to promote a special offer on all our soft drinks. 93 00:03:07,555 --> 00:03:09,344 - I've never done public speaking before. 94 00:03:09,444 --> 00:03:11,419 What if I get booed? 95 00:03:11,519 --> 00:03:14,405 - Look, you'll be fine, you'll be fine. 96 00:03:14,505 --> 00:03:16,892 The main thing to do is just to get in the 97 00:03:16,992 --> 00:03:19,242 zone and just stay focused. 98 00:03:20,391 --> 00:03:22,440 - Focused, right, okay. 99 00:03:22,540 --> 00:03:23,660 - Yeah, focused. 100 00:03:23,760 --> 00:03:25,233 - I've got that, Gavin, got that. 101 00:03:25,333 --> 00:03:26,500 - Right, okay. 102 00:03:32,736 --> 00:03:33,619 - Colin! 103 00:03:33,719 --> 00:03:34,625 - [Colin] What? 104 00:03:34,725 --> 00:03:37,918 - Shouldn't you be stocking up aisle four? - Chillax, I'm on my way now. 105 00:03:38,018 --> 00:03:40,031 - I think you'll find I'm the most chillaxed person 106 00:03:40,031 --> 00:03:40,922 in Valco. 107 00:03:41,022 --> 00:03:43,531 - (laughs) Yeah, all right. I wish I was on what you're on. 108 00:03:43,631 --> 00:03:46,493 - FYI, Colin, the closest I've been to drugs is 109 00:03:46,593 --> 00:03:48,127 Bob Marley's Greatest Hits. 110 00:03:48,227 --> 00:03:49,882 And what a waste of money that was. 111 00:03:49,982 --> 00:03:52,152 They all sound the same. 112 00:03:52,252 --> 00:03:54,162 - I was just saying hello to Leanne. 113 00:03:54,262 --> 00:03:55,404 - Leanne? 114 00:03:55,504 --> 00:03:57,289 Has she come back to work? 115 00:03:57,389 --> 00:03:58,763 - Hey, chillax. 116 00:03:58,863 --> 00:03:59,767 - Where is she? 117 00:03:59,867 --> 00:04:01,284 - She's up there. 118 00:04:07,529 --> 00:04:08,434 - She's a big girl. 119 00:04:08,534 --> 00:04:09,590 - Yes, she is. 120 00:04:09,690 --> 00:04:10,773 She's lovely! 121 00:04:11,653 --> 00:04:13,014 - Leanne! 122 00:04:13,114 --> 00:04:13,947 OMG! 123 00:04:14,854 --> 00:04:16,577 Great to see you. 124 00:04:16,677 --> 00:04:17,510 - And you. 125 00:04:18,605 --> 00:04:19,941 - You smell all mumsy. 126 00:04:20,041 --> 00:04:21,572 Isn't she lovely? 127 00:04:21,672 --> 00:04:23,956 - She is, my darling Isabel. 128 00:04:24,056 --> 00:04:25,165 There you go, have a hold. 129 00:04:25,265 --> 00:04:26,484 There's your Auntie Julie. 130 00:04:26,584 --> 00:04:29,200 - I always worry when I hold a baby in case I drop it. 131 00:04:29,300 --> 00:04:31,303 You know like when you're near the edge of a cliff and you 132 00:04:31,303 --> 00:04:35,525 feel like you might throw yourself off onto the rocks below. 133 00:04:35,625 --> 00:04:37,125 - Hello, stranger! 134 00:04:37,994 --> 00:04:39,911 What a lovely surprise! 135 00:04:41,214 --> 00:04:43,297 (laughs) 136 00:04:44,436 --> 00:04:45,414 - You all right? 137 00:04:45,514 --> 00:04:46,980 - Yes. 138 00:04:47,080 --> 00:04:49,493 Oh, isn't she beautiful. 139 00:04:49,593 --> 00:04:50,624 - This is Uncle Gavin. 140 00:04:50,724 --> 00:04:51,557 - Hello! 141 00:04:53,306 --> 00:04:54,396 - You coming back? 142 00:04:54,496 --> 00:04:55,852 - Not yet, no. 143 00:04:55,952 --> 00:04:56,859 (growls) 144 00:04:56,959 --> 00:04:57,864 - Curses! 145 00:04:57,964 --> 00:04:59,888 (growls) 146 00:04:59,988 --> 00:05:00,960 - Maybe soon. 147 00:05:01,060 --> 00:05:02,825 - Oh, good, good. 148 00:05:02,925 --> 00:05:04,701 - You'll be relieved to know that when you abandoned the 149 00:05:04,701 --> 00:05:07,368 ship, it was left in safe hands. 150 00:05:10,302 --> 00:05:11,348 - Oh. 151 00:05:11,448 --> 00:05:15,646 Erm, I thought we'd discontinued the Frunch line. 152 00:05:15,746 --> 00:05:17,221 - So did I. 153 00:05:17,321 --> 00:05:18,568 - Night staff again! 154 00:05:18,668 --> 00:05:20,647 One GCSE between the lot of them. 155 00:05:20,747 --> 00:05:23,415 - Any idea why they're still there, Julie? 156 00:05:23,515 --> 00:05:25,682 - I was just seeing to it. 157 00:05:26,994 --> 00:05:28,844 - Oh, Leanne, we've missed you. 158 00:05:28,944 --> 00:05:30,973 It's just so good to see you. 159 00:05:31,073 --> 00:05:31,976 - [Leanne] Oh, thank you. 160 00:05:32,076 --> 00:05:35,243 - [Gavin] Now, how old how old is she? 161 00:05:45,652 --> 00:05:47,253 - [Intercom] I'd just like to remind our customers about our 162 00:05:47,253 --> 00:05:48,932 special buy one get one free offer 163 00:05:49,032 --> 00:05:50,248 - Julie. 164 00:05:50,348 --> 00:05:51,081 - Yes, Leighton? 165 00:05:51,181 --> 00:05:53,485 - A customer has put that she would like tuna sandwich 166 00:05:53,585 --> 00:05:54,989 spread, but we're out of stock. 167 00:05:55,089 --> 00:05:57,722 What can I use as an alternative? - Just put in a similar spread. 168 00:05:57,822 --> 00:06:01,239 Look, here, crab, that's a bit like tuna. 169 00:06:02,887 --> 00:06:04,175 Now hurry up. 170 00:06:04,275 --> 00:06:06,249 The vans leave in an hour. 171 00:06:06,349 --> 00:06:08,682 - Right, low-fat mayonnaise. 172 00:06:11,579 --> 00:06:12,412 Crab. 173 00:06:13,655 --> 00:06:15,198 - [Intercom] Any customers wishing to take advantage of our 174 00:06:15,198 --> 00:06:18,389 special loyalty card promotion, there is a member of staff 175 00:06:18,489 --> 00:06:21,392 in our store entrance only too willing to assist with any 176 00:06:21,492 --> 00:06:22,325 inquiries. 177 00:06:27,866 --> 00:06:29,525 - Collecting Vouchers for Schools? 178 00:06:29,625 --> 00:06:30,529 - What school? 179 00:06:30,629 --> 00:06:32,179 - Any school round here. 180 00:06:32,279 --> 00:06:33,554 - The one by our estate? 181 00:06:33,654 --> 00:06:34,953 - Dunno. 182 00:06:35,053 --> 00:06:37,353 - No, thanks, they're evil little bastards in that school. 183 00:06:37,453 --> 00:06:40,927 They piss through your letterbox. 184 00:06:41,027 --> 00:06:44,860 - We've all been caught short once in a while. 185 00:06:45,756 --> 00:06:48,089 I pissed in me handbag once. 186 00:06:49,995 --> 00:06:52,075 - Is this your trolley? 187 00:06:52,175 --> 00:06:53,398 No. 188 00:06:53,498 --> 00:06:55,489 - You hear about pineapples? - No. 189 00:06:55,589 --> 00:06:56,456 - If you eat them makes your jizz taste sweeter. 190 00:06:56,456 --> 00:06:57,630 Read it in a dentist. 191 00:06:57,730 --> 00:06:58,756 - You're joking? 192 00:06:58,856 --> 00:06:59,689 - No. 193 00:07:03,183 --> 00:07:06,160 - [Automatic Voice] Please put the items in the bag. 194 00:07:06,260 --> 00:07:08,399 - Just a reminder to all customers that today's special 195 00:07:08,399 --> 00:07:11,775 offer is 50% off all Valco hair dye. 196 00:07:11,875 --> 00:07:13,434 Thank you. 197 00:07:13,534 --> 00:07:15,617 (laughs) 198 00:07:17,622 --> 00:07:18,455 Funny. 199 00:07:20,339 --> 00:07:21,589 - What do you think of her? 200 00:07:21,689 --> 00:07:22,593 - Who? 201 00:07:22,693 --> 00:07:24,276 - That woman there. 202 00:07:26,104 --> 00:07:27,685 - Has she nicked something? 203 00:07:27,785 --> 00:07:29,326 - No, forget it, this is weird. 204 00:07:29,426 --> 00:07:30,883 - No, go on, go on. 205 00:07:30,983 --> 00:07:32,886 - I was just wondering, do you never ask yourself 206 00:07:32,886 --> 00:07:35,503 why you're still on your own at your age? - At my age? 207 00:07:35,603 --> 00:07:37,056 I'm in my prime, mate. 208 00:07:37,156 --> 00:07:39,462 I can do 50 press-ups without breaking sweat. 209 00:07:39,562 --> 00:07:40,785 Well, in winter. 210 00:07:40,885 --> 00:07:42,747 - You're building toy boats with someone called Sonar Ken. 211 00:07:42,747 --> 00:07:44,270 - Sonic Ken. 212 00:07:44,370 --> 00:07:46,137 - Where are the women in your life? 213 00:07:46,237 --> 00:07:49,493 Don't you want someone to grow old with? Well, older. 214 00:07:49,593 --> 00:07:51,314 - There are loads of women in my life. 215 00:07:51,414 --> 00:07:54,166 You should see my address book. It's like a Who's Who of people I know. 216 00:07:54,266 --> 00:07:55,932 - Not women, a woman. 217 00:07:56,032 --> 00:08:00,907 You totally need a woman, mate. - No, I don't, not now I've got broadband. 218 00:08:07,675 --> 00:08:09,758 (laughs) 219 00:08:16,641 --> 00:08:19,058 (chattering) 220 00:08:22,403 --> 00:08:24,989 - Oh, we'll be putting a uniform on you if you stop any 221 00:08:25,089 --> 00:08:26,339 longer, Leanne. 222 00:08:28,036 --> 00:08:28,977 - Bye, Sonia. 223 00:08:29,077 --> 00:08:29,979 - Take care. 224 00:08:30,079 --> 00:08:30,984 - And you. 225 00:08:31,084 --> 00:08:33,266 - Do you know, Leanne, motherhood really suits you. 226 00:08:33,366 --> 00:08:35,448 You look stunning. 227 00:08:35,548 --> 00:08:36,452 - Do I? 228 00:08:36,552 --> 00:08:38,737 - You've kept your figure and everything. 229 00:08:38,837 --> 00:08:41,010 Don't take this the wrong way, but you look ten years 230 00:08:41,110 --> 00:08:43,303 younger since you've had thingy. 231 00:08:43,403 --> 00:08:44,236 - Isabel. 232 00:08:45,096 --> 00:08:46,337 - Isabel, Isabel. 233 00:08:46,437 --> 00:08:48,458 You looked a little bit run down when you worked here. 234 00:08:48,458 --> 00:08:51,706 Don't take any notice about what the child experts in 235 00:08:51,806 --> 00:08:53,153 The Mail say. 236 00:08:53,253 --> 00:08:54,156 - What do they say? 237 00:08:54,256 --> 00:08:56,950 - Apparently, kids with working mums never seem to do as 238 00:08:57,050 --> 00:08:58,924 well at school. 239 00:08:59,024 --> 00:09:00,828 - Well, you can't believe everything you read. 240 00:09:00,828 --> 00:09:02,048 - Exactly. 241 00:09:02,148 --> 00:09:02,881 Ooh! 242 00:09:02,981 --> 00:09:05,356 (laughs) 243 00:09:05,456 --> 00:09:07,827 Well, lovely to see you, Leanne. - And you, and you. 244 00:09:07,927 --> 00:09:10,346 - I can't wait till you come back to work. Take care. 245 00:09:13,510 --> 00:09:16,454 Oh, you might want to just wipe its. 246 00:09:16,554 --> 00:09:17,387 - Oh. 247 00:09:26,757 --> 00:09:28,045 - Leighton, I need a favour, mate. 248 00:09:28,045 --> 00:09:29,610 - You haven't seen a customer looking for a trolley they 249 00:09:29,610 --> 00:09:31,360 haven't got, have you? 250 00:09:31,460 --> 00:09:33,301 - I think that's the weirdest thing you've ever said. 251 00:09:33,301 --> 00:09:36,762 - It's full of nappies and pineapples. - Oh, no, you've topped it, well done. 252 00:09:36,862 --> 00:09:39,113 Listen, can I borrow your laptop? - Yeah, it's in my bag. 253 00:09:39,213 --> 00:09:43,807 Use the grey one because the black one hasn't got a screen. 254 00:09:43,907 --> 00:09:45,427 - You all right, Margaret? 255 00:09:45,527 --> 00:09:47,137 - I'm in the zone. 256 00:09:47,237 --> 00:09:48,708 - What zone? 257 00:09:48,808 --> 00:09:50,765 - I'm not sure. 258 00:09:50,865 --> 00:09:51,865 - Excellent. 259 00:09:53,015 --> 00:09:55,069 - [Intercom] This is a special notice to all Valco 260 00:09:55,169 --> 00:09:56,073 customers. 261 00:09:56,173 --> 00:09:57,619 Hurry down to our fresh fruit and veg aisle where you'll 262 00:09:57,619 --> 00:10:01,369 find brilliant bargains on all leafy greens. 263 00:10:04,737 --> 00:10:06,798 Don't miss out on today's special offer on our Valco Treat 264 00:10:06,798 --> 00:10:07,925 Yourself range. 265 00:10:08,025 --> 00:10:10,130 Delicious summer berry puddings, 2-for-1. 266 00:10:10,230 --> 00:10:12,147 A popular summer treat. 267 00:10:13,160 --> 00:10:15,512 - DesperatelySeekingSomeone.co.uk? 268 00:10:15,612 --> 00:10:17,891 - As good a place as any to find a woman for Andy. 269 00:10:17,991 --> 00:10:19,241 What about her? 270 00:10:20,087 --> 00:10:20,996 - Too young. 271 00:10:21,096 --> 00:10:22,000 - All right. 272 00:10:22,100 --> 00:10:23,005 Her? 273 00:10:23,105 --> 00:10:24,009 - Way too young. 274 00:10:24,109 --> 00:10:25,466 What about her? 275 00:10:25,566 --> 00:10:26,471 She's all right. 276 00:10:26,571 --> 00:10:27,304 - Don't think so. 277 00:10:27,404 --> 00:10:28,137 - What? 278 00:10:28,237 --> 00:10:30,333 - Smuggling peanuts. 279 00:10:30,433 --> 00:10:31,981 - What? 280 00:10:32,081 --> 00:10:34,301 - Check them nips out. 281 00:10:34,401 --> 00:10:35,303 - So what? 282 00:10:35,403 --> 00:10:37,116 She's a freak just because she's not wearing a bra? 283 00:10:37,116 --> 00:10:38,017 - Yeah. 284 00:10:38,117 --> 00:10:39,206 It's a dating website. 285 00:10:39,306 --> 00:10:40,962 No one's going to read the book if they've already seen the 286 00:10:40,962 --> 00:10:41,857 film are they? 287 00:10:41,957 --> 00:10:45,019 - You actually thought about this haven't you? 288 00:10:45,119 --> 00:10:46,017 - Yep. 289 00:10:46,117 --> 00:10:47,005 - Amazing. 290 00:10:47,105 --> 00:10:47,938 - Thanks. 291 00:10:51,288 --> 00:10:52,839 - Sorry, mate. 292 00:10:52,939 --> 00:10:54,606 Seven items or less. 293 00:11:01,210 --> 00:11:04,066 - This had better be worth it. I've left the counter unmanned. 294 00:11:04,166 --> 00:11:06,437 - It's not unmanned, Margaret's covering. - Exactly. 295 00:11:06,537 --> 00:11:09,704 - All right, what do you think to her? 296 00:11:11,103 --> 00:11:11,988 - What do you mean? 297 00:11:12,088 --> 00:11:14,824 - Well, do you like the look of her? 298 00:11:14,924 --> 00:11:16,371 - She's all right. 299 00:11:16,471 --> 00:11:17,659 Bit old for me though. 300 00:11:17,759 --> 00:11:18,839 - She's in her 50s. 301 00:11:18,939 --> 00:11:20,514 - Exactly, no good for me. 302 00:11:20,614 --> 00:11:21,638 - I'm a BILF. 303 00:11:21,738 --> 00:11:22,993 - A what? 304 00:11:23,093 --> 00:11:24,204 - A BILF. 305 00:11:24,304 --> 00:11:25,918 Butchers I'd Like to-- 306 00:11:26,018 --> 00:11:27,088 - Whoa, whoa, whoa! 307 00:11:27,188 --> 00:11:28,837 You want to have sex with butchers? 308 00:11:28,937 --> 00:11:33,832 - No, no, I mean women who like butchers who I'd like to. 309 00:11:33,932 --> 00:11:38,316 - Never mind, look, what do you think of Carole? 310 00:11:38,416 --> 00:11:40,080 - She likes good wines. 311 00:11:40,180 --> 00:11:41,081 - Alchy. 312 00:11:41,181 --> 00:11:42,087 - Good food. 313 00:11:42,187 --> 00:11:43,090 - Gannet. 314 00:11:43,190 --> 00:11:44,095 - Walking dogs. 315 00:11:44,195 --> 00:11:45,102 - Lesbian. 316 00:11:45,202 --> 00:11:48,678 - So, what sort of woman would you go for? 317 00:11:48,778 --> 00:11:52,112 - Well, she'd have to be fit and deaf, the perfect combo. 318 00:11:52,212 --> 00:11:54,676 She'd have to have seen all the Rambos. 319 00:11:54,776 --> 00:11:55,681 - Deaf? 320 00:11:55,781 --> 00:11:56,687 - Yeah. 321 00:11:56,787 --> 00:11:58,604 Deaf women have extra taste buds, it's a well-known fact. 322 00:11:58,604 --> 00:12:00,490 She wouldn't be able to get enough of my meat. 323 00:12:00,490 --> 00:12:03,573 Anyway, why would I want a web woman? 324 00:12:05,472 --> 00:12:08,633 Is this what you've dragged me away from the counter for? 325 00:12:08,733 --> 00:12:09,638 - Keep your wig on. 326 00:12:09,738 --> 00:12:10,761 - Jesus, kids! 327 00:12:10,861 --> 00:12:11,778 Get a life! 328 00:12:14,020 --> 00:12:15,872 - Andy just told us to get a life. 329 00:12:15,972 --> 00:12:17,997 - Yeah, yeah, I think he did. 330 00:12:18,097 --> 00:12:19,754 In your case, he's got a point. 331 00:12:19,854 --> 00:12:23,061 - Says the dickhead who-- - Shh, you'll say something stupid. 332 00:12:23,161 --> 00:12:24,219 - You don't wanna do that. 333 00:12:24,319 --> 00:12:26,382 He had this finger up a chicken's arsehole before. 334 00:12:26,382 --> 00:12:27,540 Smell that! 335 00:12:27,640 --> 00:12:30,129 Whoa, she looks like John Motson. 336 00:12:30,229 --> 00:12:31,659 Look at that. 337 00:12:31,759 --> 00:12:32,993 - Wow! 338 00:12:33,093 --> 00:12:34,426 - See you later. 339 00:12:35,926 --> 00:12:38,165 - Who'd leave a trolley like that? 340 00:12:38,265 --> 00:12:40,258 - It's probably been left by one of them weirdos that likes 341 00:12:40,258 --> 00:12:41,906 to dress up as a baby. 342 00:12:42,006 --> 00:12:43,520 - And the pineapples? 343 00:12:43,620 --> 00:12:46,274 - Probably shoves it up his arse to make himself cum quicker. 344 00:12:46,374 --> 00:12:49,459 I just put my little finger up my Lee's. 345 00:12:49,559 --> 00:12:52,338 I think he likes the surprise. 346 00:12:52,438 --> 00:12:55,230 Just to remind all customers, there is a special 2-for-1 347 00:12:55,330 --> 00:12:58,170 offer on Valco soft drinks. 348 00:12:58,270 --> 00:12:59,103 Thank you. 349 00:13:02,834 --> 00:13:03,914 - Ooh! 350 00:13:04,014 --> 00:13:05,341 Excuse me, Gavin. 351 00:13:05,441 --> 00:13:07,656 I don't want to sound ignorant, but what's this horrible 352 00:13:07,656 --> 00:13:09,030 stuff? 353 00:13:09,130 --> 00:13:11,873 - Unless I'm very much mistaken, it's tofu. 354 00:13:11,973 --> 00:13:14,245 Hang on, I am mistaken, that's marinated tofu. 355 00:13:14,345 --> 00:13:15,512 - Tofu, right. 356 00:13:16,585 --> 00:13:18,897 I thought it were a strange cheese. 357 00:13:18,997 --> 00:13:22,206 - It's easy to get these things confused. 358 00:13:22,306 --> 00:13:25,371 Life would be a lot easier if it was-- 359 00:13:25,471 --> 00:13:27,382 - Just I had a look and I thought, "What's this?" 360 00:13:27,482 --> 00:13:31,239 I had a think and I thought it's a strange cheese. 361 00:13:31,339 --> 00:13:32,729 - It's not, it's tofu. 362 00:13:32,829 --> 00:13:34,903 - Then I thought maybe it's not a strange cheese. 363 00:13:35,003 --> 00:13:37,737 Maybe it's something else and I just don't know what. 364 00:13:37,837 --> 00:13:39,177 - Well, we all live and learn. 365 00:13:39,277 --> 00:13:41,933 - Then I saw you passing and I thought, "I know 366 00:13:42,033 --> 00:13:43,847 what I'm gonna do, I'm gonna ask Gavin." 367 00:13:43,947 --> 00:13:46,224 But you say it's not a cheese? 368 00:13:46,324 --> 00:13:47,858 - No, it's tofu. 369 00:13:47,958 --> 00:13:48,791 - Tofu? 370 00:13:50,422 --> 00:13:51,827 Case closed. 371 00:13:51,927 --> 00:13:55,162 - Look, I don't want to propel you into the 372 00:13:55,262 --> 00:13:57,681 future, Margaret, but we'll be doing your tannoy 373 00:13:57,781 --> 00:14:00,228 announcement at about 4 o'clock. 374 00:14:00,328 --> 00:14:02,411 - 4 o'clock, okay, Gavin. 375 00:14:03,535 --> 00:14:05,470 I'll get focused. 376 00:14:05,570 --> 00:14:07,165 Right, I'll write it down. 377 00:14:07,265 --> 00:14:10,920 Right, where's me Wills and Katie pen. 378 00:14:11,020 --> 00:14:13,770 Oh, Gavin, can I borrow your pen? 379 00:14:16,847 --> 00:14:18,566 - Laughing your head off at something that's not even 380 00:14:18,566 --> 00:14:19,470 remotely funny. 381 00:14:19,570 --> 00:14:23,737 That's what happens when you have about one hour's sleep. 382 00:14:25,067 --> 00:14:26,870 - Just to let you know, all that stock's been taken off the 383 00:14:26,870 --> 00:14:28,110 shelves now. 384 00:14:28,210 --> 00:14:29,710 - Good, thank you. 385 00:14:31,706 --> 00:14:33,929 - Leanne looked well, didn't she? 386 00:14:34,029 --> 00:14:34,935 - Yes. 387 00:14:35,035 --> 00:14:37,035 Always very presentable. 388 00:14:38,632 --> 00:14:40,293 - I bet she'll really miss her baby when she comes 389 00:14:40,293 --> 00:14:41,126 back here. 390 00:14:42,329 --> 00:14:43,578 If she comes back. 391 00:14:43,678 --> 00:14:45,069 - If? 392 00:14:45,169 --> 00:14:48,396 - She just seemed so happy as a full-time mum. 393 00:14:48,496 --> 00:14:50,141 Not working. 394 00:14:50,241 --> 00:14:51,132 - Yes. 395 00:14:51,232 --> 00:14:53,362 Very easy nature, Leanne. 396 00:14:53,462 --> 00:14:55,343 Well respected by all the staff. 397 00:14:55,443 --> 00:14:56,349 (laughs) 398 00:14:56,449 --> 00:14:58,079 - We're so alike. 399 00:14:58,179 --> 00:14:59,281 We could be sisters. 400 00:14:59,381 --> 00:15:01,464 (laughs) 401 00:15:09,818 --> 00:15:10,720 - Excuse me. 402 00:15:10,820 --> 00:15:11,726 Could you-- 403 00:15:11,826 --> 00:15:14,725 - Sorry, sweetheart, I'm on my break. 404 00:15:14,825 --> 00:15:15,828 - [Andy] There you go, bud. 405 00:15:15,828 --> 00:15:17,808 - How long is it since you've been out with a woman? 406 00:15:17,808 --> 00:15:19,613 A proper relationship. 407 00:15:19,713 --> 00:15:21,431 Bet you've forgotten what to do, haven't you? 408 00:15:21,431 --> 00:15:22,731 - Listen, pal. 409 00:15:22,831 --> 00:15:26,381 Little Andy knows exactly what to do. He's seen plenty of action. 410 00:15:26,481 --> 00:15:28,526 What's it to do with you, beaky? 411 00:15:28,626 --> 00:15:29,809 - If it's a touchy subject. 412 00:15:29,909 --> 00:15:32,709 - For your information, around about the time 413 00:15:32,809 --> 00:15:34,322 Rod Hull fell off his roof. 414 00:15:34,422 --> 00:15:35,497 12 years ago. 415 00:15:35,597 --> 00:15:36,847 - 12 years ago? 416 00:15:38,351 --> 00:15:41,289 Bet you can't even get past first base, can you? 417 00:15:41,389 --> 00:15:43,581 - I can have any woman eating out of my hand like that. 418 00:15:43,681 --> 00:15:45,475 - Big talk, big man. 419 00:15:45,575 --> 00:15:46,742 You all right? 420 00:15:48,989 --> 00:15:50,484 - Go on, you have it. 421 00:15:50,584 --> 00:15:52,676 - I can't, I'm sticking to my diet. 422 00:15:52,776 --> 00:15:55,297 - Sue, you've just had a beef burger and a lasagna. 423 00:15:55,397 --> 00:15:57,865 - But I can't have chips except on Saturdays. 424 00:15:57,965 --> 00:16:00,927 - Is that what your diet is, no chips six days a week? 425 00:16:01,027 --> 00:16:02,431 - Yeah, it's killing me. 426 00:16:02,531 --> 00:16:06,198 I suppose one chip's not gonna hurt, though. 427 00:16:08,414 --> 00:16:09,247 - Ask her. 428 00:16:11,091 --> 00:16:12,621 - Julie, we forgot to ask Leanne when she's coming 429 00:16:12,621 --> 00:16:13,958 back to work. 430 00:16:14,058 --> 00:16:14,940 Do you know? 431 00:16:15,040 --> 00:16:16,181 - I've no idea. 432 00:16:16,281 --> 00:16:18,215 Could be weeks off or tomorrow. 433 00:16:18,315 --> 00:16:19,223 - Tomorrow? 434 00:16:19,323 --> 00:16:20,719 Should give you all enough time to put up the bunting 435 00:16:20,719 --> 00:16:22,077 to welcome her back. 436 00:16:22,177 --> 00:16:23,641 - Oh, God, I hope she's not coming back that soon. 437 00:16:23,641 --> 00:16:25,058 - Thank you, Sue! 438 00:16:27,802 --> 00:16:30,005 It's nice to know someone appreciates me being interim 439 00:16:30,005 --> 00:16:31,243 manager, even if-- 440 00:16:31,343 --> 00:16:33,155 - No, I'm knitting her baby a little sweater 441 00:16:33,255 --> 00:16:35,043 and I can't have that finished by tomorrow. 442 00:16:35,043 --> 00:16:36,793 I need about a month. 443 00:16:40,244 --> 00:16:42,238 - You're still on the leg? - Yeah. 444 00:16:42,338 --> 00:16:44,755 Dropping stitches like farts. 445 00:16:46,773 --> 00:16:49,413 - Oh, er, don't I know you? 446 00:16:49,513 --> 00:16:51,044 - Erm, do you? 447 00:16:51,144 --> 00:16:52,400 - From the orphans charity. 448 00:16:52,500 --> 00:16:54,657 I'm always down there raising funds. 449 00:16:54,757 --> 00:16:56,992 They call me the Bob Geldof of Valco. 450 00:16:57,092 --> 00:16:58,592 - Without the hair. 451 00:16:58,692 --> 00:17:01,078 - No, sorry, you must be thinking of someone else. 452 00:17:01,178 --> 00:17:04,635 Can I have a pound of braising steak, please? 453 00:17:04,735 --> 00:17:05,958 - Course you can. 454 00:17:06,058 --> 00:17:08,405 You know, you're spoiling that fella of yours. 455 00:17:08,505 --> 00:17:10,083 - It's just for me. 456 00:17:10,183 --> 00:17:11,863 - No, no fella? 457 00:17:11,963 --> 00:17:12,880 - Divorced. 458 00:17:14,132 --> 00:17:18,631 - How could he give up a beautiful woman like you? 459 00:17:18,731 --> 00:17:20,997 It weren't Stevie Wonder, was it? 460 00:17:21,097 --> 00:17:22,213 (laughs) 461 00:17:22,313 --> 00:17:23,930 Here, a little tip for you. 462 00:17:24,030 --> 00:17:26,054 Pop in a splash of red wine just at the end. 463 00:17:26,154 --> 00:17:28,443 - You wouldn't like to come round and cook it for 464 00:17:28,543 --> 00:17:29,439 me as well would ya? 465 00:17:29,539 --> 00:17:30,799 - I can do better for that. 466 00:17:30,899 --> 00:17:33,094 Dinner for two tonight at the Bridge Steakhouse. 467 00:17:33,194 --> 00:17:34,027 - Oh, aye? 468 00:17:35,486 --> 00:17:37,439 I bet the only thing you're interested in is the afters. 469 00:17:37,439 --> 00:17:41,501 - The only afters I'm after is their sticky toffee pudding. 470 00:17:41,601 --> 00:17:42,601 - Well, erm. 471 00:17:43,895 --> 00:17:45,478 Yeah, why not then? 472 00:17:46,524 --> 00:17:47,431 - Great. 473 00:17:47,531 --> 00:17:48,544 Tell you what, give us your number. 474 00:17:48,544 --> 00:17:52,254 Just in case you're running late or anything 475 00:17:52,354 --> 00:17:53,187 - Okay. 476 00:17:58,752 --> 00:17:59,585 Okay. 477 00:18:00,424 --> 00:18:02,749 - Thank you very much, Michelle. 478 00:18:02,849 --> 00:18:03,869 Ma belle. 479 00:18:03,969 --> 00:18:05,147 Ding-dong. 480 00:18:05,247 --> 00:18:06,700 See you at eight, gorgeous. 481 00:18:06,800 --> 00:18:07,704 - Yeah. 482 00:18:07,804 --> 00:18:09,471 See you later, Andy. 483 00:18:14,090 --> 00:18:15,785 - Happy now? 484 00:18:15,885 --> 00:18:18,135 (whistles) 485 00:18:22,018 --> 00:18:23,992 - [Intercome] A final reminder to all our customers, last 486 00:18:23,992 --> 00:18:27,235 chance to take advantage of our 3-for-2 deals on all Valco 487 00:18:27,335 --> 00:18:29,168 home-baked fruit pies. 488 00:18:30,732 --> 00:18:31,982 For today only. 489 00:18:35,894 --> 00:18:38,223 - I'll tell you who left it, big fat Chinese 490 00:18:38,323 --> 00:18:39,782 fella, that's who. 491 00:18:39,882 --> 00:18:40,981 - How do you know that? 492 00:18:41,081 --> 00:18:43,416 - Nappies, because he's got a bunch of kids to make up for 493 00:18:43,416 --> 00:18:45,995 the fact they're only allowed one back in their homeland. 494 00:18:46,095 --> 00:18:47,920 Pineapples give you the squits so he's obviously 495 00:18:47,920 --> 00:18:49,331 trying to lose weight. 496 00:18:49,431 --> 00:18:51,431 He'll bung the leftovers in the sweet and sour. 497 00:18:51,531 --> 00:18:52,531 Case closed. 498 00:18:53,472 --> 00:18:55,090 - So why did he leave his trolley? 499 00:18:55,190 --> 00:18:57,423 - He probably got a troubling phone call on his mobile 500 00:18:57,423 --> 00:18:59,148 and had to run out. 501 00:18:59,248 --> 00:19:03,032 - The things that go on in this place. 502 00:19:03,132 --> 00:19:06,968 Sonia on the tills told me a pigeon once flew in here. 503 00:19:07,068 --> 00:19:09,029 - It did, yeah, last year. 504 00:19:09,129 --> 00:19:10,013 March. 505 00:19:10,113 --> 00:19:11,517 The 11th. 506 00:19:11,617 --> 00:19:14,213 - Oh, I wish I'd have seen it. 507 00:19:14,313 --> 00:19:17,489 Oh, it's Tommy Cooper all over again. 508 00:19:17,589 --> 00:19:20,466 I nipped in kitchen to make a cup of tea, come back, 509 00:19:20,566 --> 00:19:23,326 there's Tommy dead on the stage. 510 00:19:23,426 --> 00:19:24,718 (sighs) 511 00:19:24,818 --> 00:19:26,985 It's the story of my life! 512 00:19:30,801 --> 00:19:31,895 - Oh, Julie. 513 00:19:31,995 --> 00:19:33,773 Are you responsible for replacing all the Frunch 514 00:19:33,773 --> 00:19:35,323 products with this? 515 00:19:35,423 --> 00:19:36,407 - Yes. 516 00:19:36,507 --> 00:19:38,035 - So this display was your idea? 517 00:19:38,135 --> 00:19:40,287 - Don't tell me, Leanne would have done it better. 518 00:19:40,387 --> 00:19:42,431 - Macadamia nuts and fruit bars. 519 00:19:42,531 --> 00:19:44,138 - I'll take them off then. 520 00:19:44,238 --> 00:19:45,738 - It is a triumph. 521 00:19:47,006 --> 00:19:47,905 - Is it? 522 00:19:48,005 --> 00:19:48,895 - Oh, yes. 523 00:19:48,995 --> 00:19:50,095 It's a brilliant idea. 524 00:19:50,195 --> 00:19:53,345 Fresh macadamia nuts and fruit bars together. 525 00:19:53,445 --> 00:19:55,362 It's so out of the box. 526 00:19:56,320 --> 00:19:58,691 - I thought I'd show a bit of initiative. 527 00:19:58,791 --> 00:19:59,695 - Well done, Julie. 528 00:19:59,795 --> 00:20:01,099 Really well done. 529 00:20:01,199 --> 00:20:03,813 - I'm so glad you're not still angry with me. 530 00:20:03,913 --> 00:20:04,819 - Angry? 531 00:20:04,919 --> 00:20:07,130 - Earlier, with the display. 532 00:20:07,230 --> 00:20:10,762 Honestly, Gavin, I thought you absolutely hated me. 533 00:20:10,862 --> 00:20:13,567 - Oh, well, it's just a minor oversight. 534 00:20:13,667 --> 00:20:15,417 It happens to us all. 535 00:20:16,402 --> 00:20:19,974 You may not believe this, but I once put out a special 536 00:20:20,074 --> 00:20:23,625 offer display of tuna chunks in brine instead of tuna 537 00:20:23,725 --> 00:20:24,994 chunks in sunflower oil. 538 00:20:25,094 --> 00:20:26,045 - No? 539 00:20:26,145 --> 00:20:27,049 - I know! 540 00:20:27,149 --> 00:20:29,754 I just, God's honest truth. (laughs) 541 00:20:29,854 --> 00:20:31,923 - I don't know how you do it, Gavin. 542 00:20:32,023 --> 00:20:34,540 Every time I feel low, you come along and pick me up. 543 00:20:34,640 --> 00:20:35,684 - Oh, well. 544 00:20:35,784 --> 00:20:37,788 - We make a good team, you and me, don't we? 545 00:20:37,888 --> 00:20:38,897 - Well. 546 00:20:38,997 --> 00:20:40,601 - We're like Ross and Rachel. 547 00:20:40,701 --> 00:20:43,466 - Ross and Rachel, sorry, are they friends of yours? 548 00:20:43,566 --> 00:20:44,598 - Friends of mine! 549 00:20:44,698 --> 00:20:47,440 (laughs) 550 00:20:47,540 --> 00:20:48,373 Hilarious! 551 00:20:49,472 --> 00:20:51,269 (laughs) 552 00:20:51,369 --> 00:20:52,272 - Right. 553 00:20:52,372 --> 00:20:54,076 Well, you know, well done, Julie. 554 00:20:54,176 --> 00:20:55,593 Really well done. 555 00:20:57,616 --> 00:20:59,876 - You really are happy as you are, aren't you? 556 00:20:59,976 --> 00:21:01,373 - As a shitty pig. 557 00:21:01,473 --> 00:21:03,481 Oh, by the way, five stone. 558 00:21:03,581 --> 00:21:04,483 - What's five stone? 559 00:21:04,583 --> 00:21:05,909 - My arse. 560 00:21:06,009 --> 00:21:08,259 (whistles) 561 00:21:10,921 --> 00:21:12,585 - Just stay focused. 562 00:21:12,685 --> 00:21:16,852 - I'd like to remind all Valco customers that we have a 563 00:21:20,777 --> 00:21:24,944 special 2-for-1 on our own-brand soft drinks today. 564 00:21:27,467 --> 00:21:30,706 Thank you for shopping at Valco. 565 00:21:30,806 --> 00:21:32,186 Bye-bye. 566 00:21:32,286 --> 00:21:34,119 - Well done, Margaret! 567 00:21:35,261 --> 00:21:37,025 - Gavin, I couldn't have done it without you. 568 00:21:37,125 --> 00:21:39,542 - You can let go now, please. 569 00:21:40,923 --> 00:21:43,130 Yes, madam, how can I help? 570 00:21:43,230 --> 00:21:44,134 - Guess who? 571 00:21:44,234 --> 00:21:45,334 - I hope you haven't had your hand up a chicken's arse. 572 00:21:45,334 --> 00:21:46,877 - Yep, I have. 573 00:21:46,977 --> 00:21:49,457 I think they quite like it, actually. - You're sick. 574 00:21:49,557 --> 00:21:51,790 - I think I quite like it. - You're really sick then. 575 00:21:51,890 --> 00:21:53,811 - I need to wash my hands, though. They stink. 576 00:22:05,643 --> 00:22:08,226 (guitar music)