I'll come round and cook it meself. - We have 17 varieties of papadom.
- Offers on everything from booze to biscuits.
- Loads of 2-for-1s.
- Service with a smile.
(laughing)
- We have fresh produce. - Delivered daily.
- Don't forget the Valco tick! - That way.
- Valco! - Valco, I wasn't ready.
- Valco serves you right!
- [All] Valco serves you right!
(upbeat music)
- Hi!
- Six sausages, that'll be £4.98.
Here you go.
- £4.98?
That's daylight robbery!
- They're from an organic farm.
You're paying to improve animal welfare.
Happy pigs.
- Well I wouldn't be very happy finishing up a sausage.
- Fair point.
- I'd rather eat the unhappy ones. At least nobody's been fibbing to 'em.
- Ooh, heads.
- Hmm, looks a bit slapdash.
- I was about to say exactly the same thing.
Weird that.
- Just get it tidied up a bit, eh?
And take that down too.
- Oh, come on, that's for charity. Have a heart.
- I think you'll find I'm a very charitable woman, Andy.
Just ask the blind.
- I'm not shifting it.
- As your superior, if I give you
an order, I expect you to follow it.
- Well you're only filling in for Leanne. It's not like you're a proper boss.
- What?
- Well, it's like, you know
when you go on holiday
and you get somebody to go into your house.
Water the plants, turn the lights on and off,
stop you gettin' burgled.
You're more like that.
- Take it down!
- Alright, alright, you're the boss.
For now.
- Right.
Sausages for fingers or burgers for feet?
- Burgers for feet, obviously.
Sausages have no grip.
It's well documented.
- Thought as much.
- Thanks.
(scanners beeping)
(knocking)
- Can I have a word please? - Certainly.
Honestly, those bakers, they get worse.
I had to confiscate their calendar.
I'd expected raunchy, but this
it's gone beyond X-rated!
Anyway, what can I do for you?
- Is there any way I can fire Andy?
(laughing)
- We've spoken about this before, Julie. - Well can I hit him, then?
I'll do it after hours.
Doesn't even have to know it's me. - Well, what's he done now?
- He just winds me up!
He's not the only one either.
I mean half the idiots around here seem
to take enormous pleasure in pushing my buttons.
- Julie, I--
- I'm a very tolerant woman, Gavin,
but I'm having my authority undermined at every turn.
- Well, would it help if I went round just, you know, reminded everyone
that you are acting deputy manager?
- No, it was embarrassing enough the first time.
All I want is for them to do what I tell them.
They did what Leanne told them.
- Yes, but you have to remember that Leanne's
done the job for three years now.
Maybe I should give you a copy
of the Valco Managers Code of Practise Handbook.
- Oh, Gavin.
Do you think I'm ready for this? - It's just a book of guidelines
to help you manage more efficiently.
- I know, but the Valco Manager's Handbook.
- Might as well play things by the book.
(giggling)
- Oh, Gavin, you're so funny!
You should do stand-up.
You really should.
- No, no.
Really don't think I'd like that.
Well look, just stick to the rules a bit more,
and people will soon see that you're in charge.
- Yes, and anyone tries it on,
I can throw the book at them.
- No, Lord, no!
- I meant figuratively.
- Oh, oh, yes, I see.
(laughing)
- We have a bloody laugh sometimes, don't we?
- Well, I better let you get on.
I've got an extremely pornographic calendar to dispose of.
- It's just a real privilege, it really is.
- What's that, mate?
- Just the chance to see a true craftsman at work.
I reckon it's ancient skills like yours that need to be preserved.
Like stone masons, blacksmiths.
- Just changed 100 watt, mate, I'm not shoeing a horse.
Right, what's next?
I wanna be away by 11:00.
- Oh, what!
We're working like a machine. It's like we know what each other's
thinking, like we're joined-up twins or somethin'.
- You have to stay with me all day? - Yeah, yeah, they told me to.
But don't worry, I won't hinder your progress.
Just think of me as another tool.
- I'll do that.
- [Leighton] What's it like being your own boss?
- I'm not my own boss, Mike's my boss.
- Still, I envy you, chief.
Out there on the open road.
Roaming from branch to branch. - You're like a cowboy.
You should have a gun.
- I've got one.
- Really?
- It's a glue gun.
(laughing)
- Your own gun.
Amazing.
Tell ya, Kieran, there's nothing like the feeling you get
from giving something back.
- Alright, Bono.
- Oh yeah, real mature.
A man goes the extra mile to help those who can't help themselves
and you can do is take the piss.
- Who are you raising money for?
- Sharks.
- Sharks?
That's your good cause, sharks? - Well, they're in danger.
Our fishing habits are wiping 'em out.
- You could have picked the homeless or cancer.
I don't know, something don't live in the sea.
- I'll sponsor you, Andy.
Put me down for 50p.
- Per mile?
- No, I'm not one of them secret millionaires.
- Buy a bag of tricolore pasta
and get a Valco pasta sauce free
in our Feed the Family offer.
And why not add a Caesar salad for a pound.
(laughing)
- Look at the state of her. (laughing)
- You can always tell when someone's had plastic surgery.
And he's definitely had an ass lift.
- Ass lift?
Why would you have that done?
- Cos he's gay as a shoe shop.
- Who says that?
Gay as a shoe shop?
- Me.
(laughing)
What?
- Shut up.
- Oh, yes, You will find that in our Mediterranean section
which is just at the end of aisle four.
It's opposite checkout three.
You seriously think you're gonna run a marathon?
It's 26 miles!
I haven't seen you do any training. - I've done fun runs, remember?
Is it really 26 miles?
- Yeah.
People die doing 'em. They have heart attacks.
- Oh, don't be so daft.
I've seen people run marathons dressed as crocodiles.
They wouldn't do that if it was dangerous. - Actually, Andy, make it a pound.
I've just remembered that 50p
Alan found in t'front garden.
(sighing)
- Get a move on, Colin.
He looks borderline wino.
Before you know it he'll be licking the floor.
- Yeah, well, get him a straw then. It saves me cleaning it up.
- Is that the Valco way, Colin?
- It's my way.
- Can I be honest?
- Yep.
- I've noticed the F-word has been
creeping into your work here lately.
- What?
You're kidding, aren't ya?
The closest anyone gets is when Mickey rubs his knob
up against the trolleys like that. - What?
- Yeah, both ways.
- No, I mean facetiousness.
- Ah.
- I won't stand for it.
Unless you want a verbal warning, get a move on.
- Alright.
Watch that.
- Oh!
Sorry.
I'm really sorry. Don't touch it!
- What is it?
- It's a calendar.
Had to confiscate it from the bakers.
Just about to get at it with a pair of scissors.
- Sounds like the best thing to do. - Yes, this one seems particularly...
what's the word for it...
It's very naughty.
- Oh, I can't stand calendars full stop.
All those pages of days, weeks, months, years.
I never know where I am with 'em.
- Exactly, right, well, um, don't let me stop you.
- Oh, you're not keeping me. I'm just off to spend a penny.
- Ah, right.
- I'd better go.
Don't want to leave a trail.
Bye, Gavin.
- That's £9.80 change, thank you.
- [Customer] That's lovely, thank you.
- Aren't we forgetting something, Katie?
- What?
I asked if he wanted a bag. - Every transaction is to be followed by,
"Thank you for shopping at Valco."
- Nobody says that, though.
- Just because previous deputy managers
have let things slide, doesn't mean I will.
This new broom sweeps clean.
- Still got a witch on it.
(snickering)
- Something you'd like to share?
- No.
- It's easy to joke when you're an
insignificant cog in a giant machine.
No offence, but you could die tomorrow
and nobody at Valco would notice.
Whereas if I died, it'd be chaos.
And possibly a shrine of flowers outside.
It's Lisa, isn't it?
- Yeah.
- You see, I know that's your name,
but if I was a customer, how would I know you work here?
- Cos I'm sat here in my uniform working.
- Without a name badge.
Leaving Valco unprotected on consumer rights issues.
- Eh?
- Are you chewing, Lisa?
- Yeah, cherry Airwaves.
God, you're proper on one today, aren't ya?
Is Leanne coming back soon?
- As you know, Lisa, fairness is in my DNA.
But you have pushed me
over the limit with your attitude.
Now shut that till up and report to the warehouse.
That goes for you two as well.
Go on! Shut your tills up.
- Good morning and welcome to Valco.
- I can see the headlines now.
Fat butcher's head explodes as crocodile wins marathon.
- I keep telling you Marathons aren't about fitness
or endurance or running.
It's all about diet.
- Drinking a glass of milk every now and then don't count as a diet.
- That's just the start of it. The main staple of my diet is eggs.
Did you know they say Usain Bolt
eats 50 eggs a week?
That's 200 eggs a month.
- Where are you finding your information? A wood?
- Pay attention, you might learn something.
Milk, full fat, for calcium.
An egg, Bolt's favourite, for protein.
And pork for testosterone.
Mmm.
That's better.
Going on lunch.
Don't eat any of them Scotch eggs while I'm gone.
They taste like arseholes.
- Are you sure you should be eating that, Andy?
It doesn't look very healthy.
- Nothing that's good for you ever does.
- You alright?
- Yeah, it's just the taste of the eggs.
Are my eyes open?
- Alright, me boy?
- What you doing?
You can't come back here.
This is a man's world.
You wouldn't understand. - I wanna see the magic happens.
What you being a dick for?
- You'll put customers off.
No one likes to see a pretty girl hackin' up meat.
- Oh, but you think I'm a pretty girl?
- Pretty stupid.
Don't touch anything, yeah?
You know what Andy's like. He knows when someone's been behind here.
(gasping)
- Maybe so.
But can he tell if someone's put fake names on his sponsorship form?
- Nope, I put Paul McCartney down for £20 earlier,
thought he were the real one. He was gutted he missed him.
(laughing)
- These aren't even the Valco uniform trousers I was given.
They're my old school trousers.
- Great.
- Cos the thing is,
they're exactly the same as the Valco ones.
They're the same size, same colour and everything.
So, nobody's noticed.
I can't even tell the difference sometimes myself.
I guess I could wear the work ones,
but there's something about these ones that I...
(laughing)
Wait a minute, these are my work ones!
Look 'cause if you look on the inside,
these aren't, these...
Are they the work ones or not?
- Mate, nah.
Sorry, I've been to the warehouse, checked everywhere.
There's no stock.
- Not to worry.
Thanks so much.
- Don't worry, that's why I'm here.
Happy to help.
- Ooh, Gavin, Gavin.
- Yes, Margaret?
- Have you got a minute? - Well, I'm a bit busy, actually.
Can it wait?
- No, it can't.
- Well, what's the matter?
- I don't like saying. I feel a bit embarrassed.
- Oh.
- Do you mind coming round back here?
- I suppose I can spare a minute.
- I feel daft asking you this,
but it's been puzzling me since day one.
How do they get the egg in the pork pie?
- I'm not sure I follow.
- How do they do it?
I mean, do they put the egg into the pork pie,
or do they wrap the pork pie around the egg?
- You know what, I've never it given any thought.
- It's like one of those bottles in a ship.
- Ship in a...
Anyway, look, Margaret, I really must get going.
I've got a to-do list as long as the Channel Tunnel.
- If you could be an animal,
what kind of animal would you be and why?
- Please, shut the fuck up!
- Are you sure nobody's been back here?
- Yeah.
- I told you to take that down.
- I don't know how it got back up there. It must be the wind.
- That's a punishable offence.
Says so in the Valco Managers
Code of Practise Handbook.
- Where?
- It's a new amendment.
- You can't just make up your own rules, Julie.
- You're not Alan Sugar.
- If I was, I'd have to seriously think about having you two fired.
- Anyway, you can't fire two at the same time.
- Oh, no he did one time. - Did he?
- Yeah, they'd come up with a dog cupboard.
He went mental, chucked two of 'em off.
- Dog cupboard?
- Just a box with bones in it.
- That is really terrible. - Just take it down or I'll take this book
and shove it up your arses.
- I don't think that's in your rule book.
- It's like babysitting chimps.
- Hey, shouldn't you be more worried about the tills?
School's are out. There's only three staff on.
- Don't tell me how to do my job!
Thank you, Kieran.
- Only trying to help.
- Ohh.
- Yeah, uptight or what.
- I'll tell you what,
those raw eggs don't waste any time, do they?
- See you later, Usain!
- This is mental.
Why don't you open more tills?
- I'm sorry, but we're a bit short staffed at the moment.
- Katie, get a move on!
Your queue's back to pasta.
- I'm trying, but some of the tills got closed, remember?
- Want something done, do it yourself.
Next, please!
Good afternoon, sir. Please accept my apologies--
- 15 minutes we've been waitin' here just to buy dog food.
- Oh, I love dogs!
What kind of dog have you got?
- A bastard hungry one.
- We're doing everything we can, sir.
- This shop has turned to shit!
- Up yours!
And your stupid dogs!
- Don't you mean, "Thank you for shopping at Valco"?
- Julie!
What are you doing on the till?
- Not now, Gavin!
- Shall we have a little chat?
- Amazing.
Good job.
No, Andy, you can't use the toilets, they're out of order.
- I've got three raw eggs knocking on me back door
I don't know when it comes.
- Wait, that one's working, but it's got a wobbly seat.
(farting)
- I hate to swear in front of a lady, Julie,
but would you mind telling me what the blazes was going on out there?
- We're short staffed! So I had to jump on the till.
- Well, no wonder we were short staffed, I believe you sent Courtney
and Amy to the warehouse for laughing, and Lisa for laughing and chewing.
- Please don't shout, Gavin. - I'm not shouting.
- Your eyes are.
I know I've let you down, but it spiralled out of control.
They all think I'm a joke.
You might as well call Leanne
and tell her to come back as quick as she can,
because I'm useless and she's Miss Perfect!
(sighing)
- Come on.
I'm sorry that I flew off the handle a touch.
Sometimes I do let my temper get the better of me.
- You're a hot-blooded man, Gavin,
there's nothing to apologise for.
- I'm just concerned, that's all. I mean, today aside,
you've been doing a very good job filling in
and I'm not the only person to say so.
- Honestly?
Who else has?
- Well, that's not important right now. What I'm getting at is, by and large,
you've been doing very well.
You don't need to focus on the negative all the time.
Management, is kind of a balancing act
between the carrot and the stick.
None of us are perfect at it.
- Everyone thinks Leanne is.
- Well, wouldn't be too sure, she has faults of her own.
- Really?
Like what?
- Well, punctuality, for one thing.
Never on time, always early for everything.
Sometimes she did struggle to assert her authority.
- I did not know that.
- Most of the staff refused to believe
she could be deputy manager at such a young age.
- Yeah, I know how she feels.
- Look, erm...
What say you just draw a line under today?
Start again tomorrow.
- Thank you, Gavin.
Talking to you makes everything feel like it's going to be OK.
You've got such a gentle, soothing voice.
- My wife Barbara used to say that.
She said it made me sound weak.
- It's OK to cry.
- Oh, no, I'm quite alright.
- No, but if you ever need to cry, my phone's always on.
- Well, I'm glad we've had this little talk.
I've got to give the bakers a rollicking.
Another XXX calendar has appeared.
You don't wanna see where Miss October's putting things.
Life is just one long stag do for those boys.
- Wouldn't pack your tools up yet, mate some bastard's made a right mess in there.
- Yeah, that's Emma.
- Oh, Kieran, she's gorgeous.
- You know who she reminds me of?
- Who?
- A supermodel.
- Oh!
You got a photo of your Alan I can see?
- No.
I've got a great one at home, though.
I'll bring it in tomorrow.
- Great.
- Frame's quite heavy,
but it'll be alright in the car if I clear the boot.
- You don't have to, I was only-- - No, my pleasure.
I'll get my Alan to help me lift it off the wall tonight.
- Brilliant.
Uh-oh.
(laughing)
- Oh, Andy.
You look like you've been to hell and then back from hell.
- Bollocks to sharks.
- This is a notice to all Valco customers.
Hurry down to our fresh fruit and veg aisle,
where you'll find brilliant bargains
on all leafy greens.
Cabbages at low, low prices.
- Little surprise for you, Margaret.
- What's all this?
- Well, I've been online
and I found out how they put the egg inside the pork pie.
- Oh, Gavin.
(laughing)
Thank you!
- It's really quite enlightening, actually.
I never thought it required so many people.
What they do...
Anyway, it's fascinating.
Anyway, erm, enjoy.
- Oh, thank you, Gavin.
Night!
Long eggs?
Oh, the poor hens.
- I've had some right arsey customers today.
I've had it.
Tomorrow I'm looking for a new job.
- Here we go again.
- No, I mean it this time.
- That's what you said last time. - Yeah, but this time it's different.
I'm gonna sign up with some temping agencies and that.
- Ooh, the mysterious temping agencies.
- I'm serious.
And then I wanna see if I can get a job at--
- River Island.
Told you, it's the same every time.
(laughing)
(sighing)
- Do you think you'll make it to car?
- As long as I don't have to run.
- Have you got a blanket to sit on? (groaning)
- Ooh.
It's alright.