1 00:00:01,893 --> 00:00:03,718 - We have 17 varieties of papadom. 2 00:00:03,818 --> 00:00:06,092 - Offers on everything from booze to biscuits. 3 00:00:06,192 --> 00:00:07,362 - Loads of two-for-ones. 4 00:00:07,462 --> 00:00:08,427 - Service with a smile. 5 00:00:08,527 --> 00:00:09,704 (both laughing) 6 00:00:09,804 --> 00:00:11,610 - We have fresh produce. - Delivered daily. 7 00:00:11,710 --> 00:00:12,787 - Don't forget the Valco tick. 8 00:00:12,787 --> 00:00:13,596 - That way. - Valco! 9 00:00:13,696 --> 00:00:14,953 - Oh, I wasn't ready. - Oh, weren't you ready? 10 00:00:14,953 --> 00:00:15,751 (both laughing) 11 00:00:15,851 --> 00:00:17,753 - Valco serves you right! 12 00:00:17,853 --> 00:00:20,765 - [All] Valco serves you right! 13 00:00:20,865 --> 00:00:24,115 (shopping carts clank) 14 00:00:25,189 --> 00:00:27,625 - Let's have a look, then. 15 00:00:27,725 --> 00:00:29,267 Oh my God. 16 00:00:29,367 --> 00:00:31,077 No, pass it here! - No, no. 17 00:00:31,177 --> 00:00:32,957 - That's scum. 18 00:00:33,057 --> 00:00:33,940 No, that's horrible. 19 00:00:34,040 --> 00:00:35,952 - Oh, it's great, Fat Booth. 20 00:00:36,052 --> 00:00:38,265 Use it on Emma, she'd look like a giant Lorraine Kelly. 21 00:00:38,365 --> 00:00:40,615 - Mate, I swear to God, promise me you'll delete it. 22 00:00:40,715 --> 00:00:41,448 - Yeah. 23 00:00:41,548 --> 00:00:42,738 - Promise? - Yeah. 24 00:00:42,838 --> 00:00:43,571 - You best do. 25 00:00:43,671 --> 00:00:47,106 My head looks like a giant balloon. - People love balloons. 26 00:00:48,299 --> 00:00:49,912 - Have you got plenty of water? 27 00:00:50,012 --> 00:00:52,701 Don't want you getting all shrivelled. - It's only Manchester, Julie. 28 00:00:52,701 --> 00:00:53,789 I'm not going to Saturn. 29 00:00:53,889 --> 00:00:54,829 - I'm just saying. 30 00:00:54,929 --> 00:00:58,012 Sometimes people get stuck in traffic for days. 31 00:00:58,112 --> 00:00:59,746 Have you got a blanket? 32 00:00:59,846 --> 00:01:01,970 - Why yes, yes, I've got one in the boot. 33 00:01:02,070 --> 00:01:05,407 Used to use it to wipe down Chester if he jumped in the pond. 34 00:01:05,507 --> 00:01:07,616 Anyway, look, don't forget to walk 35 00:01:07,716 --> 00:01:10,399 Margaret through the salad bar. 36 00:01:10,499 --> 00:01:12,756 Head Office, they want us to push this healthy eating. 37 00:01:12,856 --> 00:01:15,124 - As if a salad bar is gonna make any difference. 38 00:01:15,224 --> 00:01:17,559 We'd be better off banning those chocolate mega muffins. 39 00:01:17,559 --> 00:01:19,280 - Oh no, I'm quite partial to a mega muffin. 40 00:01:19,380 --> 00:01:20,823 - Gavin, that's not like you. 41 00:01:20,923 --> 00:01:23,561 - It's only once a year. 42 00:01:23,661 --> 00:01:24,394 Right. 43 00:01:24,494 --> 00:01:27,347 Now, I shall be back about four o'clock. 44 00:01:27,447 --> 00:01:29,608 So any problems, you've got my number. 45 00:01:29,708 --> 00:01:30,829 - Yes, I do. 46 00:01:30,929 --> 00:01:34,606 So, maybe I could, I don't know, send you a text? 47 00:01:34,706 --> 00:01:37,147 - Oh, yes, yes, by all means, yes, send me a text. 48 00:01:37,247 --> 00:01:38,980 - Great, well, have a good one. 49 00:01:39,080 --> 00:01:40,910 Hope they at least provide sandwiches this time. 50 00:01:40,910 --> 00:01:42,812 - Yes, well, that would be a turn-up for the books. 51 00:01:42,812 --> 00:01:46,525 - (giggles) Oh, yes, so maybe 52 00:01:46,625 --> 00:01:48,886 I'll drop you that text later. 53 00:01:48,986 --> 00:01:52,177 - Yes, yes, if you like, yes, send me a text, yes. 54 00:01:52,277 --> 00:01:53,056 Bye. 55 00:01:53,156 --> 00:01:54,239 - Bye, Gavin. 56 00:02:15,096 --> 00:02:17,655 - You know, some people, they walk into a supermarket 57 00:02:17,755 --> 00:02:20,056 and think they can pick and choose whatever they want. 58 00:02:20,056 --> 00:02:21,500 - And hold that pose. 59 00:02:21,600 --> 00:02:23,610 (camera clicks) 60 00:02:23,710 --> 00:02:26,471 - Well, knock me down with a bag of balls. 61 00:02:26,571 --> 00:02:28,338 - Makes you look really, actually, 62 00:02:28,438 --> 00:02:29,827 no, you just look the same. 63 00:02:29,927 --> 00:02:33,677 - Glen Beef, of all people, Glen Bloody Beef. 64 00:02:34,831 --> 00:02:35,969 What's he doing in here? 65 00:02:36,069 --> 00:02:36,953 - Let me think. 66 00:02:37,053 --> 00:02:38,136 I don't care. 67 00:02:39,826 --> 00:02:41,275 - Hello, Glen. 68 00:02:41,375 --> 00:02:43,292 Pleasure to have you in my store. 69 00:02:43,392 --> 00:02:44,225 - Hmm. 70 00:02:45,119 --> 00:02:49,597 - Hear you closed down last month, bloody shame. 71 00:02:49,697 --> 00:02:52,300 Best butcher's in the last 20 years, if you ask me. 72 00:02:52,400 --> 00:02:53,520 - Didn't have much choice. 73 00:02:53,620 --> 00:02:55,671 Couldn't compete with supermarket prices, could I? 74 00:02:55,671 --> 00:02:57,671 - Well, we try our best. 75 00:02:59,194 --> 00:03:02,173 - Those machines don't even cut the meat properly. 76 00:03:02,273 --> 00:03:04,518 You see, when I were a butcher, 77 00:03:04,618 --> 00:03:09,048 my standards were impeccable. - Hey, my standards are un-peccable. 78 00:03:09,148 --> 00:03:13,330 - Like I was saying to your boss earlier, we're all easily replaced. 79 00:03:15,698 --> 00:03:18,948 And by the way, you've got wonky grass. 80 00:03:21,527 --> 00:03:22,527 - Glen Beef? 81 00:03:23,758 --> 00:03:27,731 A butcher called Glen Beef, you serious? 82 00:03:27,831 --> 00:03:31,248 - Deadly serious, Kieran, deadly serious. 83 00:03:33,151 --> 00:03:34,984 Straighten that grass. 84 00:03:37,763 --> 00:03:40,263 (phone rings) 85 00:03:50,139 --> 00:03:50,872 - Where's Gavin? 86 00:03:50,972 --> 00:03:53,177 - Andy, you can't just barge in here. 87 00:03:53,277 --> 00:03:55,281 I could have been doing anything. 88 00:03:55,381 --> 00:03:57,129 - Has he given Glen Beef a job? 89 00:03:57,229 --> 00:03:58,056 - Who's Glen Beef? 90 00:03:58,156 --> 00:03:59,193 - Who's Glen Beef? 91 00:03:59,293 --> 00:04:01,524 That's like saying who's Ed Gauls. 92 00:04:01,624 --> 00:04:02,357 - Who's Ed Gauls? 93 00:04:02,457 --> 00:04:04,269 - He worked with Glen Beef. 94 00:04:04,369 --> 00:04:05,648 - I have no idea what you're on 95 00:04:05,748 --> 00:04:07,159 about, but I've got a lot to do. 96 00:04:07,259 --> 00:04:09,716 Look at all these folders. - I can't have Glen working here. 97 00:04:09,816 --> 00:04:13,784 Me and him together, it'd be like Sooty and Sweep. 98 00:04:13,884 --> 00:04:14,915 - But they were friends. 99 00:04:14,915 --> 00:04:18,560 - Well, the other two then, the policeman and the crocodile. 100 00:04:18,660 --> 00:04:19,882 - All I'm willing to say is 101 00:04:19,982 --> 00:04:21,901 that Valco is having a big revamp. 102 00:04:22,001 --> 00:04:23,908 Whether your Mr. Beef has anything 103 00:04:24,008 --> 00:04:26,443 to do with that, I don't know. Now, get back to your counter. 104 00:04:26,543 --> 00:04:28,345 - Yeah, 'course, there's plenty of knives there 105 00:04:28,345 --> 00:04:31,339 for somebody to stab me in the back. 106 00:04:31,439 --> 00:04:33,022 Enjoy your folders. 107 00:04:33,996 --> 00:04:36,413 (door slams) 108 00:04:40,398 --> 00:04:41,231 - Colin? 109 00:04:42,132 --> 00:04:44,509 Colin, I know you heard me. 110 00:04:44,609 --> 00:04:46,697 A woman just dumped these and left. Will you put 'em back, please? 111 00:04:46,697 --> 00:04:47,581 - I can't, busy. 112 00:04:47,681 --> 00:04:49,915 - I'm not asking as a favour. It's part of your job. 113 00:04:50,015 --> 00:04:51,295 - Yeah, I know, my job's really busy, innit? 114 00:04:51,295 --> 00:04:54,098 It's like busy, busy, bap-bap, busy, bap. 115 00:04:54,198 --> 00:04:56,629 - Colin, for fuck's sake, will you just 116 00:04:56,729 --> 00:04:59,908 take the flour and put them on the shelf? - All right, don't shit a kitten. 117 00:05:00,008 --> 00:05:02,199 Anyway, what do I get in return? Is it like? (puffs) 118 00:05:02,299 --> 00:05:05,986 - How's about I don't come behind there and kick you in the balls? 119 00:05:12,871 --> 00:05:13,827 - There you go, madam. 120 00:05:13,927 --> 00:05:15,841 - I'm gonna chop Glen Beef's head off. 121 00:05:15,941 --> 00:05:16,674 - Enjoy. 122 00:05:16,774 --> 00:05:18,179 - He's after my job, Kieran. 123 00:05:18,279 --> 00:05:19,106 I can sense it. 124 00:05:19,206 --> 00:05:21,906 - Would you stop going on about Glen Bloody Beef? 125 00:05:22,006 --> 00:05:23,781 Has he even had an interview? - He must have. 126 00:05:23,881 --> 00:05:25,387 He said he'd talked to the boss. 127 00:05:25,487 --> 00:05:27,471 And he didn't have a basket. 128 00:05:27,571 --> 00:05:29,719 - It's a shame he went out of business. 129 00:05:29,819 --> 00:05:32,167 My Alan used to love Glen's shanks. 130 00:05:32,267 --> 00:05:34,552 He'd eat 'em all day and night. (chuckles) 131 00:05:34,652 --> 00:05:38,211 - Glen Beef, it's a good name for a butcher. 132 00:05:38,311 --> 00:05:40,932 Andy Richmond sounds more like an hairdresser. 133 00:05:41,032 --> 00:05:43,353 - All right, cocky legs, you never know. 134 00:05:43,453 --> 00:05:44,914 He might end up getting your job. 135 00:05:44,914 --> 00:05:46,815 - No, 'cause then they'd have two head butchers. 136 00:05:46,815 --> 00:05:49,558 It'd be like having two Gordon Ramsays in the same kitchen. 137 00:05:49,658 --> 00:05:50,921 - Gordon Ramsay? 138 00:05:51,021 --> 00:05:53,251 I'm not working with that potty mouth. 139 00:05:53,351 --> 00:05:56,412 - All I'm saying is don't get paranoid, 140 00:05:56,512 --> 00:05:58,504 although it does sound like they want to get rid of you. 141 00:05:58,504 --> 00:06:01,763 But like I say, don't get paranoid. 142 00:06:01,863 --> 00:06:06,468 Chances are it's nothing, although it does seem suspicious. 143 00:06:06,568 --> 00:06:09,401 Main thing is, don't get paranoid. 144 00:06:17,078 --> 00:06:20,885 - Oh God, the bloody fishmongers are coming. 145 00:06:20,985 --> 00:06:23,383 - Oh God. (chuckles) 146 00:06:23,483 --> 00:06:25,307 Oh, sorry, mate, these seats are taken. 147 00:06:25,407 --> 00:06:26,407 - And these. 148 00:06:29,846 --> 00:06:31,041 (chuckles) Smelly buggers. 149 00:06:31,141 --> 00:06:33,808 (both laughing) 150 00:06:35,062 --> 00:06:37,601 - [Katie] There's your receipt and 70. 151 00:06:37,701 --> 00:06:39,417 - Hi, Katie. 152 00:06:39,517 --> 00:06:42,141 Are there any problems that you need me to report? 153 00:06:42,241 --> 00:06:44,218 - Yeah, I'm still working at Valco. 154 00:06:44,318 --> 00:06:45,103 - Okay. 155 00:06:45,203 --> 00:06:47,781 - Wait, no, what, don't write that down. What's that for? 156 00:06:47,881 --> 00:06:49,698 - Julie's in charge today and she's 157 00:06:49,798 --> 00:06:52,918 given me a lot of responsibilities, so-- - Oh, these responsibilities like 158 00:06:53,018 --> 00:06:55,548 fetching her lunch and making her tea? - No. 159 00:06:57,220 --> 00:06:57,972 Yeah. - Yeah. 160 00:06:58,072 --> 00:07:00,024 - Yeah, so there are no problems 161 00:07:00,124 --> 00:07:03,690 you would like me to report back to Gavin, I mean, Julie? 162 00:07:03,790 --> 00:07:05,397 - Yeah, there is, actually. 163 00:07:05,497 --> 00:07:06,615 It's the eggs. 164 00:07:06,715 --> 00:07:08,680 Some of the boxes only have five eggs in them. 165 00:07:08,680 --> 00:07:09,413 - Really? 166 00:07:09,513 --> 00:07:10,480 - Yeah. 167 00:07:10,580 --> 00:07:13,524 - Maybe there's a problem with the hens or something. 168 00:07:13,624 --> 00:07:15,159 I'd better go and tell her right now. 169 00:07:15,259 --> 00:07:17,654 - Definitely, and definitely make sure she checks every one, yeah? 170 00:07:17,654 --> 00:07:19,192 - Yeah, I will, thank you. 171 00:07:19,292 --> 00:07:20,546 - No problem. 172 00:07:20,646 --> 00:07:21,969 - Kieran, you're so cruel. 173 00:07:22,069 --> 00:07:23,903 You're gonna fry his little brain. 174 00:07:24,003 --> 00:07:25,710 - Come on, then, tea break on me. 175 00:07:25,810 --> 00:07:26,579 The tea's free. 176 00:07:26,679 --> 00:07:28,381 - Exactly, on me. 177 00:07:28,481 --> 00:07:29,266 (Katie chuckles) 178 00:07:29,366 --> 00:07:32,324 - No, Margaret, it's a self-service salad bar. 179 00:07:32,424 --> 00:07:33,638 People help themselves. 180 00:07:33,738 --> 00:07:35,350 - That'll encourage thieves. 181 00:07:35,450 --> 00:07:36,682 - No, it won't. 182 00:07:36,782 --> 00:07:38,181 Now, obviously, if anybody asks 183 00:07:38,181 --> 00:07:40,162 for assistance, you'll help them. (chuckles) 184 00:07:40,262 --> 00:07:42,800 Half these people don't even know what couscous is. 185 00:07:42,900 --> 00:07:44,048 - Is it seeds? 186 00:07:44,148 --> 00:07:45,368 - No, it's not seeds. 187 00:07:45,468 --> 00:07:48,051 It's, well, it's, well, I'm not 188 00:07:49,058 --> 00:07:51,245 entirely sure, but just do your best. 189 00:07:51,345 --> 00:07:53,322 - Right, I've got it, cosscoos. 190 00:07:53,422 --> 00:07:54,493 - No, couscous. 191 00:07:54,593 --> 00:07:56,487 - Julie, there's a situation. 192 00:07:56,587 --> 00:07:57,663 - Cusscoss. 193 00:07:57,763 --> 00:07:59,722 - No, couscous. 194 00:07:59,822 --> 00:08:01,370 Jesus, I don't know how Gavin copes. 195 00:08:01,470 --> 00:08:02,552 I really don't. 196 00:08:02,652 --> 00:08:03,832 - Cooscoos. 197 00:08:03,932 --> 00:08:07,351 - Margaret, is there something wrong with your ears? 198 00:08:07,451 --> 00:08:08,213 Right, come on. 199 00:08:08,313 --> 00:08:09,239 Show me. 200 00:08:09,339 --> 00:08:13,506 - Cusscoss, cosscuss, couscous, cuckoos! (laughs) 201 00:08:19,194 --> 00:08:20,043 - I'm sorry, madam. 202 00:08:20,143 --> 00:08:23,093 Our eggs are currently out of bounds. 203 00:08:23,193 --> 00:08:25,011 - Maybe it's animal activists or something. 204 00:08:25,011 --> 00:08:26,889 They're quite scary. - They are the trouble, Mum. 205 00:08:26,889 --> 00:08:30,298 My sister's a vegetarian, and she's a right slag. 206 00:08:30,398 --> 00:08:32,038 - Well, these ones are alright. 207 00:08:32,138 --> 00:08:34,140 So how many boxes only have five eggs? 208 00:08:34,240 --> 00:08:35,209 - I don't know. 209 00:08:35,309 --> 00:08:37,078 - Well, how many have you found? - None. 210 00:08:37,178 --> 00:08:38,253 - What do you mean, none? 211 00:08:38,353 --> 00:08:41,105 You told me that there are boxes of eggs with only five eggs in. 212 00:08:41,205 --> 00:08:44,382 - Yeah, I'll have to ask Kieran. 213 00:08:44,482 --> 00:08:45,215 - Kieran? 214 00:08:45,315 --> 00:08:46,860 - Yeah, he's the one who told me about this. 215 00:08:46,860 --> 00:08:48,742 - Right, get back to what you were doing. 216 00:08:48,842 --> 00:08:51,490 This is all a big joke. 217 00:08:51,590 --> 00:08:53,140 You can get your eggs now. 218 00:08:53,240 --> 00:08:53,996 - Look at this one. 219 00:08:54,096 --> 00:08:56,130 It's got a feather on it. (chuckles) - Eurgh. 220 00:08:56,230 --> 00:08:56,963 - Or some shit. 221 00:08:57,063 --> 00:08:58,896 - Eurgh, look at that. 222 00:09:02,459 --> 00:09:04,773 - Hey, Andy, look at this. 223 00:09:04,873 --> 00:09:07,444 - Oh, it's like a monkey's tea party. 224 00:09:07,544 --> 00:09:11,552 - I know, beetroot and rice on the same plate. 225 00:09:11,652 --> 00:09:12,632 Not in my house. 226 00:09:12,732 --> 00:09:14,823 - And who's gonna eat all them gherkins? 227 00:09:14,923 --> 00:09:16,248 - I blame the magazines. 228 00:09:16,348 --> 00:09:17,460 - I'll tell you what it is. 229 00:09:17,560 --> 00:09:19,359 It's another one of them cockeyed 230 00:09:19,459 --> 00:09:22,173 management decisions, that's what it is, yeah? 231 00:09:22,273 --> 00:09:25,006 Salad bar one day, getting rid of me the next. 232 00:09:25,106 --> 00:09:27,607 - Oh, you don't think they'll replace you, do you, Andy? 233 00:09:27,707 --> 00:09:31,654 - Well, I don't know, but of all people, Glen Beef. 234 00:09:31,754 --> 00:09:34,553 That's like slapping me in the face with my own hand. 235 00:09:34,653 --> 00:09:36,471 - His wife's not very nice, either. 236 00:09:36,571 --> 00:09:38,944 She looks like that woman who put a cat in the bin. 237 00:09:39,044 --> 00:09:41,900 - Yeah, I bet their whole street's probably full of cats in bins. 238 00:09:42,000 --> 00:09:43,310 - Yeah. 239 00:09:43,410 --> 00:09:45,684 Aw, try not to worry. 240 00:09:45,784 --> 00:09:49,779 It's probably just one of them how-do-you-dos. 241 00:09:49,879 --> 00:09:51,289 Do you want an olive? 242 00:09:51,389 --> 00:09:52,122 - No thanks, love. 243 00:09:52,222 --> 00:09:54,079 I'm too upset to eat. 244 00:09:54,179 --> 00:09:55,012 - Oh. 245 00:10:00,639 --> 00:10:01,971 - What you looking at? - What you looking at? 246 00:10:01,971 --> 00:10:03,226 - Dunno, they don't label shit. 247 00:10:03,326 --> 00:10:04,817 - And do they label stupid bitches? 248 00:10:04,917 --> 00:10:06,250 - Dunno, ask your mum. 249 00:10:06,350 --> 00:10:08,033 (Colin laughs) 250 00:10:08,133 --> 00:10:09,716 (Lisa laughs) 251 00:10:09,816 --> 00:10:11,683 - You get Skype on it. 252 00:10:11,783 --> 00:10:13,598 - I can't be arsed with that. It's just a phone. 253 00:10:13,598 --> 00:10:14,558 - Oh, you should get one. 254 00:10:14,658 --> 00:10:16,348 Then you can send me picture messages. 255 00:10:16,448 --> 00:10:17,281 - Of what? 256 00:10:18,361 --> 00:10:20,295 (laughs) In your dreams. 257 00:10:20,395 --> 00:10:22,032 - Any more pranks, you two, and you'll 258 00:10:22,132 --> 00:10:23,608 be up for an official warning. 259 00:10:23,708 --> 00:10:25,467 - What, I was only making people look fat. 260 00:10:25,567 --> 00:10:27,588 - I'm not talking about your stupid phone. 261 00:10:27,688 --> 00:10:30,167 You told Leighton some waffle about missing eggs. 262 00:10:30,267 --> 00:10:33,717 - Yeah, well, maybe some people should develop a sense of humour. 263 00:10:33,817 --> 00:10:35,248 - Kieran, your little prank could 264 00:10:35,348 --> 00:10:37,222 have cost the company a fortune. 265 00:10:37,322 --> 00:10:39,072 Now, quit it or Gavin will come 266 00:10:39,172 --> 00:10:41,922 down on you like a tonne of bricks. 267 00:10:42,978 --> 00:10:44,240 - Uh-oh! 268 00:10:44,340 --> 00:10:45,995 Oh, I should have totally got a picture. 269 00:10:46,095 --> 00:10:47,567 Imagine that, fat Julie! 270 00:10:47,667 --> 00:10:48,400 - Shut up, Kieran. 271 00:10:48,500 --> 00:10:50,573 You just totally got me bollocked. - Aw, don't worry. 272 00:10:50,573 --> 00:10:51,971 She's like pretending to be boss. 273 00:10:51,971 --> 00:10:53,605 - Hey, this time next year, I want to be trekking 274 00:10:53,605 --> 00:10:56,866 in Cambodia, not signing on 'cause you got me fired. 275 00:10:56,966 --> 00:10:58,005 - All right. 276 00:10:58,105 --> 00:11:01,242 - And for your information, I do have a sense of humour. 277 00:11:01,342 --> 00:11:05,230 Have you watched every episode of Friends, no, no? 278 00:11:05,330 --> 00:11:07,413 I don't suppose you have. 279 00:11:10,788 --> 00:11:12,810 - Aw, I like Louise Redknapp. 280 00:11:12,910 --> 00:11:14,451 She's got that girl-next-door look. 281 00:11:14,451 --> 00:11:16,266 - She doesn't look like the girl next door to me. 282 00:11:16,266 --> 00:11:18,347 Pam Brady, she's a right fat bitch. 283 00:11:18,447 --> 00:11:20,179 Good afternoon, ladies and gentlemen. 284 00:11:20,279 --> 00:11:22,743 Just a reminder that today's special offer is 50% 285 00:11:22,843 --> 00:11:25,887 off all Treat Yourself sticky toffee puddings. 286 00:11:25,987 --> 00:11:27,059 Thank you. 287 00:11:27,159 --> 00:11:29,905 Actually, I think she's getting a gastric band. 288 00:11:30,005 --> 00:11:31,244 Probably have to use a tyre. 289 00:11:31,344 --> 00:11:34,271 (both laughing) 290 00:11:34,371 --> 00:11:36,937 (coin clangs) 291 00:11:37,037 --> 00:11:41,204 - "Wednesday, meeting at Head Office, bakery inspection. 292 00:11:42,179 --> 00:11:45,258 "Monday, meeting with Julie." 293 00:11:45,358 --> 00:11:48,108 (computer beeps) 294 00:11:54,986 --> 00:11:56,319 You little shit! 295 00:11:57,280 --> 00:11:59,262 - There you are, my love. 296 00:11:59,362 --> 00:12:01,373 It's like that slogan from The X-Files. 297 00:12:01,473 --> 00:12:03,842 Don't ever trust anybody. 298 00:12:03,942 --> 00:12:06,741 - Andy, there isn't some kind of big conspiracy to get rid of you. 299 00:12:06,841 --> 00:12:08,917 Half the people who work here don't even know your name. 300 00:12:08,917 --> 00:12:11,538 - What are you on about? There's always been two things people know 301 00:12:11,538 --> 00:12:14,648 about this store, the shit pay and my name. 302 00:12:14,748 --> 00:12:16,292 - Take it with Gavin when he gets back, yeah? 303 00:12:16,292 --> 00:12:17,766 - Yeah, well, that's another thing. 304 00:12:17,866 --> 00:12:20,329 He's avoiding me, innit he? That's why he's not here. 305 00:12:20,429 --> 00:12:22,564 Doubt if I'll see ever him again, the double-crossing-- 306 00:12:22,564 --> 00:12:25,000 - [Woman] Excuse me, this ham isn't sliced properly. 307 00:12:25,100 --> 00:12:28,101 - I'm sorry about that, love. 308 00:12:28,201 --> 00:12:30,731 Right, from now on, no more machine slicing. 309 00:12:30,831 --> 00:12:33,988 We're gonna be proper butchers using proper butcher's tools. 310 00:12:34,088 --> 00:12:35,841 I'd like to see Glen Beef try and run me 311 00:12:35,941 --> 00:12:37,830 out of town with this in my hand. 312 00:12:37,930 --> 00:12:39,347 - Kieran, a word. 313 00:12:41,120 --> 00:12:42,937 Did you expect me to fall for that email? 314 00:12:43,037 --> 00:12:45,466 "Remove all Valco-tinned apricots from the shelves 315 00:12:45,566 --> 00:12:48,119 "due to incorrect expiry date." 316 00:12:48,219 --> 00:12:50,310 - I've no idea what you're talking about. - Oh, really? 317 00:12:50,410 --> 00:12:53,183 Head Office wouldn't spell apricots with two T's. 318 00:12:53,283 --> 00:12:54,555 How thick do you think I am? 319 00:12:54,655 --> 00:12:57,279 - Julie, whatever you're going on about has nothing to do with me. 320 00:12:57,279 --> 00:12:58,517 How have I sent you an email? 321 00:12:58,517 --> 00:13:00,417 - I know what you can do on that phone of yours, 322 00:13:00,517 --> 00:13:02,946 and impersonating Head Office in an email, Kieran. 323 00:13:03,046 --> 00:13:03,779 - What? 324 00:13:03,879 --> 00:13:05,900 - One word, sackable. 325 00:13:06,000 --> 00:13:06,874 - Julie, I didn't. 326 00:13:06,974 --> 00:13:08,848 - When Gavin gets back, you'll be lucky if he doesn't 327 00:13:08,848 --> 00:13:13,015 hurl you through the doors, and your stupid phone. 328 00:13:14,922 --> 00:13:16,499 - Excuse me, could you just reach 329 00:13:16,599 --> 00:13:17,989 down that bottle of quetila? 330 00:13:18,089 --> 00:13:18,822 - What? 331 00:13:18,922 --> 00:13:19,755 - [Man] The quetila. 332 00:13:19,755 --> 00:13:22,562 - (laughs) No, I don't think you want that, mate. 333 00:13:22,662 --> 00:13:23,396 - Why not? 334 00:13:23,496 --> 00:13:25,064 - Right, little story here for ya. 335 00:13:25,164 --> 00:13:27,901 Been out the other week, only had a few tequilas but the night went well. 336 00:13:27,901 --> 00:13:29,346 You know what I'm talking about? 337 00:13:29,446 --> 00:13:31,086 And the next day, I woke up, and I had 338 00:13:31,186 --> 00:13:34,302 to wash these three fingers about 15 times. 339 00:13:34,402 --> 00:13:35,566 - I've had it before. 340 00:13:35,666 --> 00:13:38,044 - Right, do you know what you want? You want a bottle of this thick, 341 00:13:38,044 --> 00:13:39,760 white creamy goodness, all right? 342 00:13:39,860 --> 00:13:41,948 There's a nice little ribbon on it so the missus will love that. 343 00:13:41,948 --> 00:13:44,444 - Where's your manager? 344 00:13:44,544 --> 00:13:46,939 - I think he's in Manchester at the minute. 345 00:13:47,039 --> 00:13:48,956 - [Man] Bloody useless. 346 00:13:50,507 --> 00:13:53,340 (shelve clatters) 347 00:13:55,488 --> 00:13:56,478 - I told you. 348 00:13:56,578 --> 00:13:57,315 - No, I swear. 349 00:13:57,415 --> 00:13:58,479 It weren't me. 350 00:13:58,579 --> 00:14:00,248 It must have actually come from Head Office. 351 00:14:00,248 --> 00:14:02,734 - You had it coming to you, Kieran. - She can't accuse me of this. 352 00:14:02,834 --> 00:14:06,186 God, I feel like the boy who cried wolf. 353 00:14:06,286 --> 00:14:07,940 What happened to him in the end? 354 00:14:08,040 --> 00:14:09,684 Didn't they cut his tail off? 355 00:14:09,784 --> 00:14:10,517 - Tail? 356 00:14:10,617 --> 00:14:11,642 He was a boy, you idiot. 357 00:14:11,742 --> 00:14:14,999 - Wasn't he a wolf in disguise? - No, but he was a bell-end, too. 358 00:14:15,099 --> 00:14:17,862 - Out-of-date apricots, what am I gonna do? 359 00:14:17,962 --> 00:14:20,929 I might get fired for not lying. 360 00:14:21,029 --> 00:14:24,279 Come on, Katie, give us a hand, please. 361 00:14:34,033 --> 00:14:35,848 - Double A's, 4.99. 362 00:14:35,948 --> 00:14:37,149 - Leighton, we need your help. 363 00:14:37,249 --> 00:14:37,982 - Well, what is it? 364 00:14:38,082 --> 00:14:39,826 - There's a load of apricots we need shifting off the shelves. 365 00:14:39,826 --> 00:14:41,122 - No, you can't get me again. 366 00:14:41,222 --> 00:14:43,660 - No, seriously, we need to take all the Valco apricots off the shelves. 367 00:14:43,660 --> 00:14:45,291 - Come on. - You can't get me twice. 368 00:14:45,391 --> 00:14:47,373 I'm not the boy who cried wolf, Kieran. 369 00:14:47,473 --> 00:14:49,529 - Why would that make you the boy that cried wolf? 370 00:14:49,629 --> 00:14:51,190 Seriously, did nobody learn this at school? 371 00:14:51,190 --> 00:14:52,342 - Yeah, they cut off his tail. 372 00:14:52,442 --> 00:14:53,357 - He didn't have a tail! 373 00:14:53,457 --> 00:14:54,482 - No, come on. - Come on, move. 374 00:14:54,582 --> 00:14:55,707 - Come on, Colin. 375 00:14:55,807 --> 00:14:58,890 Would you give us a hand? - Fuck off. 376 00:14:59,901 --> 00:15:02,568 (scanner beeps) 377 00:15:10,133 --> 00:15:12,513 - Hey, that's what you get with me, mate. 378 00:15:12,613 --> 00:15:16,428 A real butcher using real butcher's tools. 379 00:15:16,528 --> 00:15:20,963 Hey, I'll even kill the pig myself if you want. 380 00:15:21,063 --> 00:15:22,396 I'm only joking. 381 00:15:30,192 --> 00:15:31,775 - "Dear Gavin," no. 382 00:15:36,025 --> 00:15:37,858 "Hey, Gavin, you okay? 383 00:15:40,442 --> 00:15:41,275 "I'm okay. 384 00:15:43,799 --> 00:15:44,685 "LOL." 385 00:15:44,785 --> 00:15:47,285 (phone beeps) 386 00:15:49,036 --> 00:15:51,428 (cleaver thuds) 387 00:15:51,528 --> 00:15:54,046 - They think they can just replace me, that's the thing. 388 00:15:54,146 --> 00:15:56,398 They think they can just take me out 389 00:15:56,498 --> 00:15:58,445 and brush me under the carpet. 390 00:15:58,545 --> 00:16:02,409 Well, I'll tell you, there isn't a carpet in the world big enough to brush me under. 391 00:16:02,509 --> 00:16:04,553 (cleaver thuds) (Andy gasps) 392 00:16:04,653 --> 00:16:06,949 (Andy groans) 393 00:16:07,049 --> 00:16:09,217 - Oh, beetroot. (chuckles) 394 00:16:09,317 --> 00:16:12,900 Last time I had that, it made my piss pink. 395 00:16:14,645 --> 00:16:18,109 (boxes clattering) 396 00:16:18,209 --> 00:16:19,057 - Give us a clue. 397 00:16:19,157 --> 00:16:19,990 No, go on. 398 00:16:21,226 --> 00:16:23,976 - All right, four-legged animals, 399 00:16:25,627 --> 00:16:28,273 four letters, and it ends in S. 400 00:16:28,373 --> 00:16:29,184 - Pigs. 401 00:16:29,284 --> 00:16:30,432 - Pigs. 402 00:16:30,532 --> 00:16:31,365 - Or dogs. 403 00:16:32,999 --> 00:16:33,903 Or cats. 404 00:16:34,003 --> 00:16:34,993 (Linda sighs) 405 00:16:35,093 --> 00:16:35,969 What about bats? 406 00:16:36,069 --> 00:16:39,716 - Oh, will you make up your mind? - Put dogs, it's usually dogs. 407 00:16:40,863 --> 00:16:42,225 Have you put dogs? - Yes! 408 00:16:42,325 --> 00:16:43,084 - Oh, hang on. 409 00:16:43,184 --> 00:16:46,447 Don't they normally give you the answers at the bottom upside down? 410 00:16:46,547 --> 00:16:47,464 - Oh, yeah. 411 00:16:49,255 --> 00:16:49,988 It was pigs. 412 00:16:50,088 --> 00:16:50,989 - Told you it was pigs. 413 00:16:51,089 --> 00:16:53,950 - Oh, I'm taking my break on my own next time. 414 00:16:54,050 --> 00:16:57,537 - Well, well, maybe you should. - Well, yeah, maybe I should. 415 00:16:59,374 --> 00:17:01,358 Oh, bollocks, look at the time. We'd better get back. 416 00:17:01,358 --> 00:17:02,260 - Oh God, yeah. 417 00:17:02,360 --> 00:17:04,066 - You want your paper? - Oh, yeah, ta, love. 418 00:17:04,166 --> 00:17:06,564 - [Linda] You're welcome. 419 00:17:06,664 --> 00:17:08,300 - Are you being rude to me, Neil? 420 00:17:08,400 --> 00:17:09,233 - No. 421 00:17:10,644 --> 00:17:11,740 - Good meeting, Gavin? 422 00:17:11,840 --> 00:17:14,055 - Oh, yes, yes, all good. 423 00:17:14,155 --> 00:17:16,294 Some very exciting improvements we're gonna 424 00:17:16,394 --> 00:17:18,527 be making across all the stores. 425 00:17:18,627 --> 00:17:20,764 - Goodness, (giggles) it's like we're in the Air Force. 426 00:17:20,864 --> 00:17:22,464 Yes, Captain. 427 00:17:22,564 --> 00:17:23,625 - So, no problems, then? 428 00:17:23,725 --> 00:17:29,299 - No, but I'm more than happy to hand you back the reins. (clicks tongue) 429 00:17:32,596 --> 00:17:34,403 - Now, what was it about these apricots? 430 00:17:34,503 --> 00:17:36,357 Everything get sorted? 431 00:17:36,457 --> 00:17:37,190 - Pardon? 432 00:17:37,290 --> 00:17:39,425 - Well, I've only just got my messages. 433 00:17:39,525 --> 00:17:41,920 I really don't like using my phone while I'm driving. 434 00:17:42,020 --> 00:17:46,160 Head Office said they'd asked you to remove all home-brand apricots. 435 00:17:46,260 --> 00:17:48,995 - That was it, yes, apricots. 436 00:17:49,095 --> 00:17:51,705 - Okay, good, so we're all clear? 437 00:17:51,805 --> 00:17:52,574 - Of the apricots? 438 00:17:52,674 --> 00:17:53,507 - Yeah. 439 00:17:55,985 --> 00:17:58,245 - Funny things, aren't they, apricots? 440 00:17:58,345 --> 00:18:02,540 Like, orange plums. (laughs) 441 00:18:02,640 --> 00:18:05,915 I can't believe people actually buy them. 442 00:18:06,015 --> 00:18:06,996 Do they buy them? 443 00:18:07,096 --> 00:18:08,517 - Oh, you'd be surprised. 444 00:18:08,617 --> 00:18:10,902 Some people, they go absolutely crazy for apricots. 445 00:18:10,902 --> 00:18:14,323 We once sold over 227 units in one day. 446 00:18:14,423 --> 00:18:16,406 - Christ, that's a lot. 447 00:18:16,506 --> 00:18:18,308 - I'm sorry to interrupt you both. 448 00:18:18,408 --> 00:18:20,337 This is just to let you know that Kieran, Katie 449 00:18:20,337 --> 00:18:22,716 and I have removed all the apricots from the shelves. 450 00:18:22,816 --> 00:18:24,351 - What? 451 00:18:24,451 --> 00:18:26,327 - As you asked. 452 00:18:26,427 --> 00:18:27,344 - Oh, good. 453 00:18:28,477 --> 00:18:31,035 - Yes, good, good stuff, Leighton, yes. 454 00:18:31,135 --> 00:18:32,269 Well done, Julie. 455 00:18:32,369 --> 00:18:33,869 Right, back at it. 456 00:18:35,698 --> 00:18:38,687 - Gavin, did you get my text earlier? 457 00:18:38,787 --> 00:18:41,118 - Oh, yes, yes, yes, I did. 458 00:18:41,218 --> 00:18:43,546 Yeah, thank you, Julie. 459 00:18:43,646 --> 00:18:44,479 - Great. 460 00:18:50,179 --> 00:18:54,304 - You might as well give it to Beef, Gavin. 461 00:18:54,404 --> 00:18:56,307 I'm no butcher. 462 00:18:56,407 --> 00:18:57,911 He's the master of the sword. 463 00:18:58,011 --> 00:19:00,428 Me, nearly took my thumb off. 464 00:19:01,894 --> 00:19:03,260 This man won. 465 00:19:03,360 --> 00:19:05,610 I'll go and pack my aprons. 466 00:19:12,834 --> 00:19:13,904 - Oh, well, now, listen. 467 00:19:14,004 --> 00:19:16,138 No, if you're referring to Glen's interview, 468 00:19:16,238 --> 00:19:18,092 then he wasn't applying for your job. 469 00:19:18,192 --> 00:19:22,201 He came in about a security guard position. 470 00:19:22,301 --> 00:19:24,318 - What, security guard? 471 00:19:24,418 --> 00:19:26,411 - Yeah, well, I had to let go of Len. 472 00:19:26,511 --> 00:19:31,034 I mean, he was constantly touching his, his, his-- 473 00:19:31,134 --> 00:19:31,994 - His bollocks. 474 00:19:32,094 --> 00:19:34,729 - Quite, and although Glen seemed capable enough, 475 00:19:34,829 --> 00:19:36,760 I think he can be a little hot-headed. 476 00:19:36,860 --> 00:19:38,741 - Exactly, I hate that little git. 477 00:19:38,841 --> 00:19:39,758 I hate him. 478 00:19:40,999 --> 00:19:43,173 So he's definitely not working here? 479 00:19:43,273 --> 00:19:44,106 - No. 480 00:19:45,381 --> 00:19:46,798 - So, I can stay? 481 00:19:47,855 --> 00:19:49,517 - Well, if you want to. 482 00:19:49,617 --> 00:19:50,454 - Of course, Gavin. 483 00:19:50,554 --> 00:19:54,721 I am there like a rock forever till I die, till we all die. 484 00:19:55,851 --> 00:19:58,597 - Good, you'd best get that thumb seen to. 485 00:19:58,697 --> 00:20:01,610 - Yeah, of course, I hate sight of blood. 486 00:20:01,710 --> 00:20:05,177 - Oh, you know, it's not his real name. 487 00:20:05,277 --> 00:20:06,010 - Hey? 488 00:20:06,110 --> 00:20:09,950 - Glen Beef's not his real name. His real name is Glen Stone. 489 00:20:10,050 --> 00:20:11,133 - Glen Stone? 490 00:20:12,543 --> 00:20:16,835 Bloody hell, it's like you just yanked Batman's mask off. 491 00:20:16,935 --> 00:20:21,102 (laughs) Glen Stone, what a wanker. 492 00:20:22,917 --> 00:20:25,120 - Ta-da, mega muffin. 493 00:20:25,220 --> 00:20:26,592 You did save my ass, after all. 494 00:20:26,692 --> 00:20:27,627 - Get in. 495 00:20:27,727 --> 00:20:28,977 - Oh, heads up. 496 00:20:29,818 --> 00:20:31,381 - You know, I haven't forgotten 497 00:20:31,481 --> 00:20:33,842 about you making me go on a wild-egg chase. 498 00:20:33,942 --> 00:20:37,038 But, well, regarding the apricots, 499 00:20:37,138 --> 00:20:39,248 I guess you put things right. 500 00:20:39,348 --> 00:20:41,687 - All right, then, well, cheers, 501 00:20:41,787 --> 00:20:44,616 and sorry about the eggs thing. - Yeah, well, let's just forget about it. 502 00:20:44,616 --> 00:20:45,783 - So, friends? 503 00:20:47,661 --> 00:20:50,100 - Yes, I guess, friends. 504 00:20:50,200 --> 00:20:52,561 - Great, well, I like all friends to be in my address book. 505 00:20:52,661 --> 00:20:55,920 - Oh, don't, I haven't got any lippy on! 506 00:20:56,020 --> 00:20:57,706 - You didn't. (Kieran chuckles) 507 00:20:57,806 --> 00:20:59,973 - Check it out, fat Julie. 508 00:21:01,247 --> 00:21:01,980 (both laughing) 509 00:21:02,080 --> 00:21:05,549 - (whistles) Somebody's happy, Andy, and I think it's you. 510 00:21:05,649 --> 00:21:07,030 - I am indeed, Maggie. 511 00:21:07,130 --> 00:21:08,588 Let's just say Glen Beef won't be 512 00:21:08,688 --> 00:21:10,264 poking his bonce around here any more. 513 00:21:10,264 --> 00:21:12,472 And if he does, I'll stick it in that mincer. 514 00:21:12,572 --> 00:21:17,395 - Oh, well, with that bandage, you look like a proper boxer. 515 00:21:17,495 --> 00:21:20,795 Frank Bruno. (chuckles) 516 00:21:20,895 --> 00:21:22,652 - What can I say, it's just great 517 00:21:22,752 --> 00:21:26,236 to be back here doing the job I love. 518 00:21:26,336 --> 00:21:27,877 Right, what time are we finishing? 519 00:21:27,977 --> 00:21:30,894 (mellow pop music) 520 00:21:38,457 --> 00:21:40,957 (Andy laughs) 521 00:21:43,385 --> 00:21:46,468 (printer scratching) 522 00:22:10,767 --> 00:22:12,176 (axe thudding) 523 00:22:12,276 --> 00:22:14,693 (man groans)