- We have 17 varieties of papadom.
- Offers on everything from booze to biscuits.
- Loads of two-for-ones.
- Service with a smile.
(both laughing)
- We have fresh produce. - Delivered daily.
- Don't forget the Valco tick.
- That way. - Valco!
- Oh, I wasn't ready. - Oh, weren't you ready?
(both laughing)
- Valco serves you right!
- [All] Valco serves you right!
(shopping carts clank)
- Let's have a look, then.
Oh my God.
No, pass it here! - No, no.
- That's scum.
No, that's horrible.
- Oh, it's great, Fat Booth.
Use it on Emma, she'd look like a giant Lorraine Kelly.
- Mate, I swear to God, promise me you'll delete it.
- Yeah.
- Promise? - Yeah.
- You best do.
My head looks like a giant balloon. - People love balloons.
- Have you got plenty of water?
Don't want you getting all shrivelled. - It's only Manchester, Julie.
I'm not going to Saturn.
- I'm just saying.
Sometimes people get stuck in traffic for days.
Have you got a blanket?
- Why yes, yes, I've got one in the boot.
Used to use it to wipe down Chester if he jumped in the pond.
Anyway, look, don't forget to walk
Margaret through the salad bar.
Head Office, they want us to push this healthy eating.
- As if a salad bar is gonna make any difference.
We'd be better off banning those chocolate mega muffins.
- Oh no, I'm quite partial to a mega muffin.
- Gavin, that's not like you.
- It's only once a year.
Right.
Now, I shall be back about four o'clock.
So any problems, you've got my number.
- Yes, I do.
So, maybe I could, I don't know, send you a text?
- Oh, yes, yes, by all means, yes, send me a text.
- Great, well, have a good one.
Hope they at least provide sandwiches this time.
- Yes, well, that would be a turn-up for the books.
- (giggles) Oh, yes, so maybe
I'll drop you that text later.
- Yes, yes, if you like, yes, send me a text, yes.
Bye.
- Bye, Gavin.
- You know, some people, they walk into a supermarket
and think they can pick and choose whatever they want.
- And hold that pose.
(camera clicks)
- Well, knock me down with a bag of balls.
- Makes you look really, actually,
no, you just look the same.
- Glen Beef, of all people, Glen Bloody Beef.
What's he doing in here?
- Let me think.
I don't care.
- Hello, Glen.
Pleasure to have you in my store.
- Hmm.
- Hear you closed down last month, bloody shame.
Best butcher's in the last 20 years, if you ask me.
- Didn't have much choice.
Couldn't compete with supermarket prices, could I?
- Well, we try our best.
- Those machines don't even cut the meat properly.
You see, when I were a butcher,
my standards were impeccable. - Hey, my standards are un-peccable.
- Like I was saying to your boss earlier, we're all easily replaced.
And by the way, you've got wonky grass.
- Glen Beef?
A butcher called Glen Beef, you serious?
- Deadly serious, Kieran, deadly serious.
Straighten that grass.
(phone rings)
- Where's Gavin?
- Andy, you can't just barge in here.
I could have been doing anything.
- Has he given Glen Beef a job?
- Who's Glen Beef?
That's like saying who's Ed Gauls.
- Who's Ed Gauls?
- He worked with Glen Beef.
- I have no idea what you're on
about, but I've got a lot to do.
Look at all these folders. - I can't have Glen working here.
Me and him together, it'd be like Sooty and Sweep.
- But they were friends.
- Well, the other two then, the policeman and the crocodile.
- All I'm willing to say is
that Valco is having a big revamp.
Whether your Mr. Beef has anything
to do with that, I don't know. Now, get back to your counter.
- Yeah, 'course, there's plenty of knives there
for somebody to stab me in the back.
Enjoy your folders.
(door slams)
- Colin?
Colin, I know you heard me.
A woman just dumped these and left. Will you put 'em back, please?
- I can't, busy.
- I'm not asking as a favour. It's part of your job.
- Yeah, I know, my job's really busy, innit?
It's like busy, busy, bap-bap, busy, bap.
- Colin, for fuck's sake, will you just
take the flour and put them on the shelf? - All right, don't shit a kitten.
Anyway, what do I get in return? Is it like? (puffs)
- How's about I don't come behind there and kick you in the balls?
- There you go, madam.
- I'm gonna chop Glen Beef's head off.
- Enjoy.
- He's after my job, Kieran.
I can sense it.
- Would you stop going on about Glen Bloody Beef?
Has he even had an interview? - He must have.
He said he'd talked to the boss.
And he didn't have a basket.
- It's a shame he went out of business.
My Alan used to love Glen's shanks.
He'd eat 'em all day and night. (chuckles)
- Glen Beef, it's a good name for a butcher.
Andy Richmond sounds more like an hairdresser.
- All right, cocky legs, you never know.
He might end up getting your job.
- No, 'cause then they'd have two head butchers.
It'd be like having two Gordon Ramsays in the same kitchen.
- Gordon Ramsay?
I'm not working with that potty mouth.
- All I'm saying is don't get paranoid,
although it does sound like they want to get rid of you.
But like I say, don't get paranoid.
Chances are it's nothing, although it does seem suspicious.
Main thing is, don't get paranoid.
- Oh God, the bloody fishmongers are coming.
- Oh God. (chuckles)
Oh, sorry, mate, these seats are taken.
- And these.
(chuckles) Smelly buggers.
(both laughing)
- [Katie] There's your receipt and 70.
- Hi, Katie.
Are there any problems that you need me to report?
- Yeah, I'm still working at Valco.
- Okay.
- Wait, no, what, don't write that down. What's that for?
- Julie's in charge today and she's
given me a lot of responsibilities, so-- - Oh, these responsibilities like
fetching her lunch and making her tea? - No.
Yeah. - Yeah.
- Yeah, so there are no problems
you would like me to report back to Gavin, I mean, Julie?
- Yeah, there is, actually.
It's the eggs.
Some of the boxes only have five eggs in them.
- Really?
- Yeah.
- Maybe there's a problem with the hens or something.
I'd better go and tell her right now.
- Definitely, and definitely make sure she checks every one, yeah?
- Yeah, I will, thank you.
- No problem.
- Kieran, you're so cruel.
You're gonna fry his little brain.
- Come on, then, tea break on me.
The tea's free.
- Exactly, on me.
(Katie chuckles)
- No, Margaret, it's a self-service salad bar.
People help themselves.
- That'll encourage thieves.
- No, it won't.
Now, obviously, if anybody asks
for assistance, you'll help them. (chuckles)
Half these people don't even know what couscous is.
- Is it seeds?
- No, it's not seeds.
It's, well, it's, well, I'm not
entirely sure, but just do your best.
- Right, I've got it, cosscoos.
- No, couscous.
- Julie, there's a situation.
- Cusscoss.
- No, couscous.
Jesus, I don't know how Gavin copes.
I really don't.
- Cooscoos.
- Margaret, is there something wrong with your ears?
Right, come on.
Show me.
- Cusscoss, cosscuss, couscous, cuckoos! (laughs)
- I'm sorry, madam.
Our eggs are currently out of bounds.
- Maybe it's animal activists or something.
They're quite scary. - They are the trouble, Mum.
My sister's a vegetarian, and she's a right slag.
- Well, these ones are alright.
So how many boxes only have five eggs?
- I don't know.
- Well, how many have you found? - None.
- What do you mean, none?
You told me that there are boxes of eggs with only five eggs in.
- Yeah, I'll have to ask Kieran.
- Kieran?
- Yeah, he's the one who told me about this.
- Right, get back to what you were doing.
This is all a big joke.
You can get your eggs now.
- Look at this one.
It's got a feather on it. (chuckles) - Eurgh.
- Or some shit.
- Eurgh, look at that.
- Hey, Andy, look at this.
- Oh, it's like a monkey's tea party.
- I know, beetroot and rice on the same plate.
Not in my house.
- And who's gonna eat all them gherkins?
- I blame the magazines.
- I'll tell you what it is.
It's another one of them cockeyed
management decisions, that's what it is, yeah?
Salad bar one day, getting rid of me the next.
- Oh, you don't think they'll replace you, do you, Andy?
- Well, I don't know, but of all people, Glen Beef.
That's like slapping me in the face with my own hand.
- His wife's not very nice, either.
She looks like that woman who put a cat in the bin.
- Yeah, I bet their whole street's probably full of cats in bins.
- Yeah.
Aw, try not to worry.
It's probably just one of them how-do-you-dos.
Do you want an olive?
- No thanks, love.
I'm too upset to eat.
- Oh.
- What you looking at? - What you looking at?
- Dunno, they don't label shit.
- And do they label stupid bitches?
- Dunno, ask your mum.
(Colin laughs)
(Lisa laughs)
- You get Skype on it.
- I can't be arsed with that. It's just a phone.
- Oh, you should get one.
Then you can send me picture messages.
- Of what?
(laughs) In your dreams.
- Any more pranks, you two, and you'll
be up for an official warning.
- What, I was only making people look fat.
- I'm not talking about your stupid phone.
You told Leighton some waffle about missing eggs.
- Yeah, well, maybe some people should develop a sense of humour.
- Kieran, your little prank could
have cost the company a fortune.
Now, quit it or Gavin will come
down on you like a tonne of bricks.
- Uh-oh!
Oh, I should have totally got a picture.
Imagine that, fat Julie!
- Shut up, Kieran.
You just totally got me bollocked. - Aw, don't worry.
She's like pretending to be boss.
- Hey, this time next year, I want to be trekking
in Cambodia, not signing on 'cause you got me fired.
- All right.
- And for your information, I do have a sense of humour.
Have you watched every episode of Friends, no, no?
I don't suppose you have.
- Aw, I like Louise Redknapp.
She's got that girl-next-door look.
- She doesn't look like the girl next door to me.
Pam Brady, she's a right fat bitch.
Good afternoon, ladies and gentlemen.
Just a reminder that today's special offer is 50%
off all Treat Yourself sticky toffee puddings.
Thank you.
Actually, I think she's getting a gastric band.
Probably have to use a tyre.
(both laughing)
(coin clangs)
- "Wednesday, meeting at Head Office, bakery inspection.
"Monday, meeting with Julie."
(computer beeps)
You little shit!
- There you are, my love.
It's like that slogan from The X-Files.
Don't ever trust anybody.
- Andy, there isn't some kind of big conspiracy to get rid of you.
Half the people who work here don't even know your name.
- What are you on about? There's always been two things people know
about this store, the shit pay and my name.
- Take it with Gavin when he gets back, yeah?
- Yeah, well, that's another thing.
He's avoiding me, innit he? That's why he's not here.
Doubt if I'll see ever him again, the double-crossing--
- [Woman] Excuse me, this ham isn't sliced properly.
- I'm sorry about that, love.
Right, from now on, no more machine slicing.
We're gonna be proper butchers using proper butcher's tools.
I'd like to see Glen Beef try and run me
out of town with this in my hand.
- Kieran, a word.
Did you expect me to fall for that email?
"Remove all Valco-tinned apricots from the shelves
"due to incorrect expiry date."
- I've no idea what you're talking about. - Oh, really?
Head Office wouldn't spell apricots with two T's.
How thick do you think I am?
- Julie, whatever you're going on about has nothing to do with me.
How have I sent you an email?
- I know what you can do on that phone of yours,
and impersonating Head Office in an email, Kieran.
- What?
- One word, sackable.
- Julie, I didn't.
- When Gavin gets back, you'll be lucky if he doesn't
hurl you through the doors, and your stupid phone.
- Excuse me, could you just reach
down that bottle of quetila?
- What?
- [Man] The quetila.
- (laughs) No, I don't think you want that, mate.
- Why not?
- Right, little story here for ya.
Been out the other week, only had a few tequilas but the night went well.
You know what I'm talking about?
And the next day, I woke up, and I had
to wash these three fingers about 15 times.
- I've had it before.
- Right, do you know what you want? You want a bottle of this thick,
white creamy goodness, all right?
There's a nice little ribbon on it so the missus will love that.
- Where's your manager?
- I think he's in Manchester at the minute.
- [Man] Bloody useless.
(shelve clatters)
- I told you.
- No, I swear.
It weren't me.
It must have actually come from Head Office.
- You had it coming to you, Kieran. - She can't accuse me of this.
God, I feel like the boy who cried wolf.
What happened to him in the end?
Didn't they cut his tail off?
- Tail?
He was a boy, you idiot.
- Wasn't he a wolf in disguise? - No, but he was a bell-end, too.
- Out-of-date apricots, what am I gonna do?
I might get fired for not lying.
Come on, Katie, give us a hand, please.
- Double A's, 4.99.
- Leighton, we need your help.
- Well, what is it?
- There's a load of apricots we need shifting off the shelves.
- No, you can't get me again.
- No, seriously, we need to take all the Valco apricots off the shelves.
- Come on. - You can't get me twice.
I'm not the boy who cried wolf, Kieran.
- Why would that make you the boy that cried wolf?
Seriously, did nobody learn this at school?
- Yeah, they cut off his tail.
- He didn't have a tail!
- No, come on. - Come on, move.
- Come on, Colin.
Would you give us a hand? - Fuck off.
(scanner beeps)
- Hey, that's what you get with me, mate.
A real butcher using real butcher's tools.
Hey, I'll even kill the pig myself if you want.
I'm only joking.
- "Dear Gavin," no.
"Hey, Gavin, you okay?
"I'm okay.
"LOL."
(phone beeps)
(cleaver thuds)
- They think they can just replace me, that's the thing.
They think they can just take me out
and brush me under the carpet.
Well, I'll tell you, there isn't a carpet in the world big enough to brush me under.
(cleaver thuds) (Andy gasps)
(Andy groans)
- Oh, beetroot. (chuckles)
Last time I had that, it made my piss pink.
(boxes clattering)
- Give us a clue.
No, go on.
- All right, four-legged animals,
four letters, and it ends in S.
- Pigs.
- Or dogs.
Or cats.
(Linda sighs)
What about bats?
- Oh, will you make up your mind? - Put dogs, it's usually dogs.
Have you put dogs? - Yes!
- Oh, hang on.
Don't they normally give you the answers at the bottom upside down?
- Oh, yeah.
It was pigs.
- Told you it was pigs.
- Oh, I'm taking my break on my own next time.
- Well, well, maybe you should. - Well, yeah, maybe I should.
Oh, bollocks, look at the time. We'd better get back.
- Oh God, yeah.
- You want your paper? - Oh, yeah, ta, love.
- [Linda] You're welcome.
- Are you being rude to me, Neil?
- No.
- Good meeting, Gavin?
- Oh, yes, yes, all good.
Some very exciting improvements we're gonna
be making across all the stores.
- Goodness, (giggles) it's like we're in the Air Force.
Yes, Captain.
- So, no problems, then?
- No, but I'm more than happy to hand you back the reins. (clicks tongue)
- Now, what was it about these apricots?
Everything get sorted?
- Pardon?
- Well, I've only just got my messages.
I really don't like using my phone while I'm driving.
Head Office said they'd asked you to remove all home-brand apricots.
- That was it, yes, apricots.
- Okay, good, so we're all clear?
- Of the apricots?
- Yeah.
- Funny things, aren't they, apricots?
Like, orange plums. (laughs)
I can't believe people actually buy them.
Do they buy them?
- Oh, you'd be surprised.
Some people, they go absolutely crazy for apricots.
We once sold over 227 units in one day.
- Christ, that's a lot.
- I'm sorry to interrupt you both.
This is just to let you know that Kieran, Katie
and I have removed all the apricots from the shelves.
- What?
- As you asked.
- Oh, good.
- Yes, good, good stuff, Leighton, yes.
Well done, Julie.
Right, back at it.
- Gavin, did you get my text earlier?
- Oh, yes, yes, yes, I did.
Yeah, thank you, Julie.
- Great.
- You might as well give it to Beef, Gavin.
I'm no butcher.
He's the master of the sword.
Me, nearly took my thumb off.
This man won.
I'll go and pack my aprons.
- Oh, well, now, listen.
No, if you're referring to Glen's interview,
then he wasn't applying for your job.
He came in about a security guard position.
- What, security guard?
- Yeah, well, I had to let go of Len.
I mean, he was constantly touching his, his, his--
- His bollocks.
- Quite, and although Glen seemed capable enough,
I think he can be a little hot-headed.
- Exactly, I hate that little git.
I hate him.
So he's definitely not working here?
- No.
- So, I can stay?
- Well, if you want to.
- Of course, Gavin.
I am there like a rock forever till I die, till we all die.
- Good, you'd best get that thumb seen to.
- Yeah, of course, I hate sight of blood.
- Oh, you know, it's not his real name.
- Hey?
- Glen Beef's not his real name. His real name is Glen Stone.
- Glen Stone?
Bloody hell, it's like you just yanked Batman's mask off.
(laughs) Glen Stone, what a wanker.
- Ta-da, mega muffin.
You did save my ass, after all.
- Get in.
- Oh, heads up.
- You know, I haven't forgotten
about you making me go on a wild-egg chase.
But, well, regarding the apricots,
I guess you put things right.
- All right, then, well, cheers,
and sorry about the eggs thing. - Yeah, well, let's just forget about it.
- So, friends?
- Yes, I guess, friends.
- Great, well, I like all friends to be in my address book.
- Oh, don't, I haven't got any lippy on!
- You didn't. (Kieran chuckles)
- Check it out, fat Julie.
(both laughing)
- (whistles) Somebody's happy, Andy, and I think it's you.
- I am indeed, Maggie.
Let's just say Glen Beef won't be
poking his bonce around here any more.
And if he does, I'll stick it in that mincer.
- Oh, well, with that bandage, you look like a proper boxer.
Frank Bruno. (chuckles)
- What can I say, it's just great
to be back here doing the job I love.
Right, what time are we finishing?
(mellow pop music)
(Andy laughs)
(printer scratching)
(axe thudding)
(man groans)