- We have 17 varieties of papadom.
- Offers on everything from booze to biscuits.
- Loads of two-for-ones.
- Service with a smile.
(both laughing)
- We have fresh produce. - Delivered daily.
- Don't forget the Valco tick. - That way.
- Valco! - I wasn't ready.
- Oh, weren't you ready? (both laughing)
- Valco serves you right!
- [All] Valco serves you right!
(checkout register beeping)
- Kieran?
- [Kieran] Oh, I'm late, sorry.
- What you got your scarf on for? It's boiling outside.
- [Kieran] I can't hear you.
- Oh, it's a pity these haven't taken off.
- People don't like being told what to eat.
That's why so many of them are fat.
- Still, it would have been nice to have
had a success story for the new area manager.
- Oh, don't worry, he's a pussycat.
I should know.
Did I mention that Craig's a close personal friend?
- Quite a few times, actually.
- Yeah, we go way back.
- One, two, three, four, five
a day in a bag, it's a super idea.
- Gavin, you just have to face it.
Warrington simply isn't ready for five a day.
The sooner everyone accepts that, the sooner we can all move on.
We're not Milan yet.
- Well, well, well, if it isn't Late Middleton.
- [Kieran] Sorry.
Hey, has somebody tidied up back here? - Yeah, Eva Braun's orders.
We've got a new area manager coming in, apparently.
She even made me tidy up my display.
Don't like it too neat.
People don't want to feel they're buying their meat
off of Rain Man.
- Good weekend?
- Not bad.
You?
- Yep.
- Spend most of it glueing pubes to your chops, did ya?
- I'm growing a beard.
- Oh yeah, hey, you might want to tell that
to the rest of your face.
- It just grows a bit quicker on my top lip, yeah?
The rest will catch up.
- All right, all right, yeah, whatever you say.
- Ooh, are you growing a beard, Kieran?
- He's a bit sensitive about it. - I'm not sensitive!
I'm not sensitive.
- Oh, I do like a nice beard.
Oh, not yours, though.
- Don't.
- Wow, I didn't know Cheryl Cole works at Valco.
- I didn't know David Dixon shopped here, nice tan.
- Well, Wonkhead, I'm not shoppin' here.
I'm Craig Falcon.
You might have heard of me, Area Manager.
- Oh, God, I'm so sorry.
I didn't--
- Whoa, whoa, whoa, don't worry, baby doll.
Just 'cause I'm management doesn't mean I can't take a joke.
So, what're you listening to at the minute?
- What?
- Music, tunes, tracks, what beats you listenin' to?
- Do you want to stop bothering my staff, Casanova?
- Oh, bugger me, Corky!
(both laughing)
- Welcome to Warrington, Mr. Falcon.
Nice to finally meet you outside of an email.
(giggling)
- You must be Gavin, eh?
- I've got the five-in-a-bag results in my office so we should probably go--
- Yeah, we'll go through them later. So, Deputy Manager, eh?
Did you have to shag him to get the gig?
- I can assure you--
- Oh, give over, you big wally.
Covering Leanne Baxter's maternity.
- Right.
- I always knew she had it in her to climb the ladder, even back in St. Helen's.
- Shut up.
You'll make me blush.
- Of course, Julie used to be your assistant!
Well, what a turn out for the books.
- Yeah, so, interim deputy manager,
are you gonna give me a little tour of your store?
- Oh, go on then.
I can't leave you wandering around on your own.
God knows what might happen.
- Shall we just start at the meat counter?
- Nah, don't worry about it, G-man.
We'll be fine.
Come on, you!
- So Gavin?
- Yes, Katie.
- Is that the new area manager?
- Yes, that's Craig The Falcon, um, Falcon.
- He creeps me out.
- He's not at all how he comes across in the newsletters.
(carts clanging)
- Hi, you going somewhere nice, Margaret?
- Me and my Alan are looking at booking a holiday.
15 years we've been going to the same
caravan park in Anglesey, but not again,
not after last summer.
- What happened last summer?
- The on-site entertainment wasn't my idea of entertaining.
- They never are, Margaret.
- Normally, they have on this wonderful duet,
Lipstick and Lace.
But last year, they replaced them with this
awful blue magician.
He were a right mucky beggar.
- What did he do?
- Lots of tricks with his you-know-what.
- Mate of mine always does the elephant when he's had
a few too many.
You know Pockets inside out, open your flies--
- Andy stop it.
You're making me sick.
- I know, yeah, same old, same old.
It's a load of old shit, really.
Anyway, I've got to go.
I'll ring you later when I get back.
Alright, I'll see you later then.
See you later, bye.
Bye, bye, bye, bye.
- About bloody time.
- [Leighton] 3.49.
- Thanks, love.
- Alright.
- Nah, they're all propaganda, these, anyway.
- Where do you book your holidays?
- Ceefax. - What's Ceefax?
- You never heard of Ceefax?
- No.
- What are you, five?
Are you seriously telling me you've never heard of Ceefax?
- Yes.
- Unbelievable.
- Gentlemen, this is Craig Falcon.
New area manager, and a close personal friend of mine.
- Alright, chief?
- Yeah, Craig and I go way back.
Where's Margaret?
- Oh, she's on a break.
- This deli looks like a bomb's hit it.
- You've a good meat counter here.
One of the best I've seen.
- Thanks, that, er, means a lot.
- You'll appreciate this, Andy.
Last week, Stockport branch, I goes in to check out
the meat counter. You will not believe what the butcher
has got next to braising steak.
- Er, Stockport, God alone knows.
- Fillets.
- Oh!
In with the braising?
- Fillets!
- Jesus, just when you think you've heard it all.
Hope you marched him out there and then. - Golly, I have half a mind to march him
and show him how a real butcher does it.
- Oh, that's...
I don't want to sound...
I mean,
do you want to come for a drink with me?
- Wow.
- Yeah!
Come on, Jules.
Let's look at some fresh fish.
- And tell Margaret to sort this out when she gets back.
I've seen nicer-looking peppers in a skip.
- I'm not sure but I think you just asked him out on
a date and he said no.
- Shut up.
I just asked him if he fancied a beer.
Anyway, he said yes.
- He just walked off. - He said yes.
- Oi!
You've not come to my till once today. Don't you know how bored I've been?
It's not acceptable, Kieran.
- Yeah sorry, I've been really busy.
- You've got something on your...
Let's have a look.
(giggling)
What is that?
- I'm growing a beard.
- You do know it's supposed to grow on your chin
and your face.
- Don't you start with that, I've had Andy on
at me all morning.
- Oh, come on, you can't come to work like that
and expect me not to take the piss.
(giggling)
It's growing in clumps, it looks like you've got alopecia
of the face!
- It just grows quicker on my top lip, yeah.
The rest will catch up.
- Ooh!
Seriously, you need to shave that off.
- I can't, it's Emma's idea.
She reckons it makes me look dead Kings of Leon.
- But they don't have beards any more. - That's what I said.
- Alright, you've given it a go, it looks shite.
Shave it off.
- Yeah but she'll be well annoyed.
- I think you need to grow a pair of balls.
- Cheer up, Magnum, might never happen.
A bit like your beard.
(both giggling)
- Ha ha ha ha!
- [Katie] Oh, it just got funnier!
- Hiya. - Hiya.
Oh, going abroad, are you, Margaret?
- We're thinking about it.
- Eh, you want to go, Magaluf.
- It sounds very exotic.
- Everyone's from Britain, that's the beauty of it.
And you can sunbathe topless.
I had the boys out for two weeks solid.
- I didn't know you had children.
- No, the boys.
Had to put factor 50 on me nips, mind.
Didn't want them burning up and dropping off.
- No, I suppose not.
- [Lisa] Right.
- Venus creates a harmonious mood at work.
Today is a great day to open up and speak your mind.
Constructive criticism could lead to stronger friendship.
What does that mean?
- You know exactly what it means.
Don't take this the wrong way, Sue, but you need to get
your roots done.
Your hair has been looking like shit lately.
Supervisor to produce aisle.
That's Supervisor to produce aisle.
Don't look at me like that, Sue. The paper said it, not me!
- Sorry, Gavin, balls on the table.
You run a good store here.
I can see why head office holds you in high regard.
- Well thank you, I'm just doing my job, really.
- Margaret?
We could be talking about very important managerial issues.
Do really think you should be sitting here?
- Oh I'm sorry, I--
- Oh come on, she's alright, yeah?
- This is Margaret, she part of our
Getting Seniors Back to Work scheme.
- Oh, I didn't realise you let 20-year-olds on that.
(chuckling)
Hey, does your mum know you work here, young lady?
- Oh, give over.
- I'm serious!
- She's dead.
- You alright?
Oh, don't be like this.
- I'm fine.
- You're just being petty. - Shit roots and petty, nice.
Anything else to add?
- [Gavin] You booking a holiday there, Margaret?
- I'm trying, Gavin, but it's so hard to choose.
- Barbara and I used to go to Ireland, every year.
We did a motorbike tour of the entire island of Ireland.
Nothing like seeing the country from a sidecar.
- I'm surprised you didn't see Julie running around there.
- [Gavin] How do you mean?
- Well, you know Julie.
Ireland, the whole--
- I don't think anyone wants to know about my holidays, do they?
And anyway, I think you'd better be getting back.
Can't spend the whole day yakking in here.
Come on. - I'm sorry, I thought--
- What's he like, eh?
Natter, natter, natter, come on.
- Riverdance is Irish, isn't it?
- Yes, Margaret.
- Yeah well, we'll not be going there then.
How can you relax with all that hullabaloo?
- [Craig] Yeah, I'm sorry, I didn't mean to speak
out of turn.
- It's just nobody here knows about the whole Ireland thing.
I'd rather it stayed that way.
- Of course, no worries.
Actually, while you're here I was hoping to have a word
in your shell-like. - Oh, go on, I'm all ears.
- This mate of mine at head office rang me last week.
Apparently I'm being investigated over me expenses.
You know what they're like, go over every detail.
- Political correctness gone mental. - Exactly.
Anyway, remember when you used to set up weekly meetings
with Mark Michaels?
- From the Wigan branch.
Yes, Wigan Wednesdays!
- Yes, well they can't find any record of him.
Some glitch apparently.
So I've got all these expenses for a bloke they think don't exist.
- Typical, that's why I don't trust computers.
I downloaded an album once, still can't find it on there.
- [Customer] Can you show me where the cat litter is, please?
- Oh, yes, sir.
- Excuse me, have you got this one in the organic?
- No, sorry.
- It's not in the stockroom?
- No, It's, it's on order.
- Nevermind.
Thanks anyway. - That's alright.
- Are we out of stock?
- I don't know, mate.
- Shall we go and check in the back? - We could do mate, yeah.
- [Leighton] I'm sure I've seen them somewhere.
I think to the left.
(chuckling)
- Anyway, I'm get a bit worried,
because he's moved abroad, but then, boom,
I realised I'm in the same place as the woman
who can put them right.
- Me? - Yeah!
You can set up the meeting so you can set them straight.
- I get you.
But I don't think I ever actually met Mark Michaels.
Or spoke to him.
- I'm a bit old for imaginary friends, Jules.
- I know that.
Sorry, what exactly are you asking me to do?
- Just tell head office.
- That I haven't met him?
- [Craig] No, that you have.
- But I haven't, have I?
- No, but they don't know that.
Look, you'll get the buggers off my back. - I can't go lying to head office, Craig.
I'll be out on my ear.
I'll be lucky to end up at Lidl after that.
- You'll be alright! - No, I can't do it, Craig.
I'm sorry, I just can't!
- Shh, calm down, calm down.
- I'm sorry.
- It was wrong of me to ask.
- It's just the thought of Lidl.
You know, I couldn't do it.
- That's 61 pence change, cheers.
- Where have you been with that?
- For a shit. - Ugh!
- [Colin] What?
- Nothing.
- Look, I was reading it, I wasn't wiping my arse with it.
- Disgusting.
- What about somewhere in Europe?
I mean, you could have a city break.
Somewhere like Barcelona. - A city break, on holiday?
Oh, your generation.
- I'd love to go to Barcelona, see the Nu Camp.
- Oh fat chance.
Yeah, like Emma would let you go to a football stadium
on a holiday.
- She doesn't wear the trousers.
- How come she won't let you shave that mess off, then?
- Did you, sorry, it slipped out.
- I thought I was working alongside a man.
A man with a bit of backbone and spunk.
- Sounds like our burgers. - Ugh.
- Well, I like to put a little of myself into my burgers.
- Don't be disgusting.
- Too far, mate.
- At least I've got a spine.
- I promised Emma I'd give it a go, yeah?
Relationships are about give and take. You'd know that if you'd ever had one.
- There's no woman out there I'd hand over my face to.
She could have ten tits and a speedboat,
it wouldn't matter.
Yes, my love?
- What would you do with ten tits? - And a speedboat.
You idiot.
- I hope this doesn't spell the end of the health push.
The smoothie figures aren't exactly lighting up
the sky either.
- Sometimes people don't want what's best for them.
Look at Jamie Oliver.
He tries, but all he gets his grief off dinner ladies.
- Right, is that the last of it? - Yes, that's it.
- Great, go and chuck it in the Beamer.
I've got to say, I'm very impressed today with both of you.
It's a far cry from the Warrington branch of the 90s.
Oh, what a shithole that was.
- Thank you. - What a lovely thing to say.
- I don't know what done Gavin, but you've really
straightened out our Julie here.
Especially after that old Ireland saga.
- Craig!
- Ireland saga?
- Ooh, I've said too much.
I'm sorry, I forgot you didn't want anyone to know about that.
Oh don't worry, she's fine now.
Touch wood.
- It's a good book that.
- Really? - Mm.
It turns out it's the first victim's husband
who's the killer.
Not the mental kid.
Enjoy.
- Bit of Keane when I'm on the open road.
The Killers, you into them?
- No.
- Great tracks, there's these new lads as well.
Mumford and Sons.
Tell you what, you should give them a listen.
They have changed the way I look at this crazy world.
- Craig, can I have a word please?
- Yeah.
- In private.
- Can't we do it here?
- Not if you want to do it without an iPod up your arse, no.
- Best be off then.
- Yeah.
- Three pound 50.
- [Customer] A little less, please.
- Hey, gringo, one false move and I kill your mother.
- 2.68
- [Customer] That'll be lovely, thank you.
- I'm offering to help you, I can make sure nobody finds out
about what happened. - It was years ago.
- Still, shaving your head and disappearing to Ireland
just because someone dumped you hardly screams
dependable manager material, does it?
You help me with my problem, I help you with yours.
- You'll be alright.
Someone in Valco must remember this Mark Michaels.
- There is no Mark Michaels!
All those meetings were with ladies.
- When you say ladies.
- I can't help it.
I love women too much.
So much so that sometimes I have to pay them for it.
- You mean Wigan Wednesdays?
- Yes, Julie, they were Prostitute Wednesdays!
- [Intercom] A final reminder to our customers.
last chance to take advantage of our three-for-two deals
on all Valco home-baked meat pies.
Four today only
- They're bound to find out the truth.
(laughing)
- And you think, you actually think, I'll be the only one
going down if they do?
You were there, you set up all the meetings.
You signed off all the receipts.
I'm not using the word pimp, but--
- I wasn't the one running around with cheap hookers!
- They were not cheap.
Most of them were middle to top end.
For Wigan.
- You absolute shit!
- My job is on the fucking line here.
We could both lose our jobs.
I have got a wife and child to support.
You can help them with one little phone call to head office.
- You're pathetic.
- Yeah?
Well I'm also the man who could have you transferred
out of here.
- You wouldn't.
- Hopefully I won't have to.
Lidl.
- Fine, I'll do it.
- OK.
Thanks, mate.
I've got to get off to the Berwick branch now.
- Sorry for the wait, madam.
I've checked the system and they're seven pounds, 19,
and you're not the customer who asked about these, are you?
Sorry, I'm sorry.
- Any luck with the holiday, Margaret?
- Do you know what, I'm really grateful
for everybody's help, but I think we'll stick with Anglesey.
- What about the blue magician?
- Just have to focus on his face.
- Amazing, We've been all round the world
and the only place you want to go is Anglesey.
- We have been going there 15 years and we do know
all the roads.
- I'm sorry about earlier.
- It's alright, your heart was in the right place.
- It's your favourite.
- Aw, thanks for this.
- Let's never do horoscopes again.
- Deal.
- Can I have a bit of your chocolate, I'm starving?
- Bloody hell, do what you like.
- Thanks.
- Everything alright, Julie?
You're very quiet this afternoon.
- Yeah, fine.
- Nothing to do with what Craig was talking
about earlier, was it? The Ireland thing.
- No!
Gavin,
have you ever lied to Valco?
- Oh Lord, no!
- Not even a little white lie, ever?
- Well, I did tell a bit of a porkie on my
initial application form.
I said I could play the piano.
- Did you put them straight on it?
- Oh no, Barbara decided it would be a lot easier
if I just learn to play the piano before the interview.
- So it wasn't really a lie then.
- No, I suppose not.
I don't think I'd ever lie to Valco.
I mean in some ways it'd be like lying to a family member.
Sounds a bit silly, I know.
- No, it doesn't, Gavin.
You're right.
I'm sorry, I just need to do something.
- Yes, mate, what can I get you? - [Customer] Three pork chops, please.
- What?
Three pork chops, mate?
- I know it's my word against his but I can't sit by
and let an area manager get away with it.
I realise I may have to go to prison, but sometimes...
Oh, you already know?
Well, make sure you throw the book at him.
OK, I love you, bye.
Sorry, I didn't mean that.
Yes, yes!
- [Kieran] Ready then?
- Whoa, the normal Kieran is back.
- Yeah, I shaved it off.
I thought the bullying from certain people was getting a bit too much.
Plus it looked shit.
- Mind you, you're never gonna get that job
on the waltzers now. - Another dream over.
- What do you think Emma will say?
- Bothered?
- You're so grounded!
Just tell her it didn't suit me and that
I wear the trousers in our relationship.
- Oh yeah, what are you really gonna say?
- I'll tell her a few of the lads at the warehouse
pinned me down and shaved it off. (giggling)
(upbeat music)