- Can she stop that now? - If you can get it anywhere cheaper,
I'll come round and cook it myself.
- Red hot deals.
- We've got offers on everything from booze to biscuits.
- Loads of two-for-ones.
- Service with a smile.
- We have fresh produce-- - Delivered daily.
- Don't forget the Valco tick. - Am I getting paid for this?
- Valco.
- Oh, I wasn't ready. - Oh, weren't you ready?
(laughing)
- Valco serves you right.
- [All] Valco serves you right.
- [Linda] Which is why 20p from every bunch
goes straight to our banana farmers.
Valco, putting the fair into Fairtrade.
- [Sue] Just to remind all our customers, there's a fabulous offer
on our Valco own-brand pork sausages,
two packets for the price of one.
Sizzlingly sensational.
- And your olives.
Lord knows why you want them,
like salty grapes they are.
- [Woman] Thank you.
- Ooh.
- Thank you for shopping at Valco.
- Oh Andy, I nearly jumped out of me bones.
(laughing)
Oh, I'll never get used to all this fame.
Me picture all over the store, people staring,
I feel like that William.
- Prince William? - No, that singer, Andy,
he were on that show about singers.
- Hang on, are you talking about Will.i.am?
- Is that how you say it?
- Yeah.
- Why doesn't he just call himself I'm William?
- It's like a nickname.
He's just showing off if you ask me.
- Hey, why don't I have a nickname?
Erm, ooh, I've got it, I've got it,
Marg A--
- Ret?
- Ret, yeah. (laughs)
- That's the view from the pool. - Yeah, great.
- That's the sea.
- Right.
- That's the sea again.
That's a boat in the sea. - Oh, for god's sake,
didn't you take any interesting photos?
Sea, sea, beach, burger, sea,
ooh, hello. (giggling)
- Give it back.
- Mucky bitch.
- Everyone goes topless over there.
- Nice baps by the way.
- Aw, do you think?
Thanks mate. - Let's have a feel.
- Oh, stop it.
(laughing)
- Perfect.
- Leighton, I need you to...
Have you only done the bottom shelf? - I was thinking.
- Again?
- Yeah, and I thought,
traditionally, when people would sit on the toilet,
the toilet roll's usually quite low down so maybe we should sell it low down.
I mean, I did come to the idea through thinking.
- Hang on a minute.
Have you changed the whole aisle?
- Yeah, I came in at six.
So, at hand height, we have soap,
rubber gloves and nail polish.
- Oh god.
- At head height, we have shampoo, toothpaste and razors,
although we've got some of those down at leg height as well, depending on
what you want to shave.
- I really don't know what to say.
- Well, if you want, I mean, I could tell head office
that we came up with the idea together.
- Leighton, I seriously think
that you should put everything back how it was before.
- Can do.
- Oh, and did you finish Gavin's leaving DVD?
- Can did, yeah.
Managed to get all the staff in there, apart from Gavin, I couldn't find him.
- But my message is definitely on there.
- Oh yeah, yeah, I loved your poem actually.
- Aw. - I never knew so many
words rhymed with Gavin, I couldn't think of any.
Tavern, cavern.
- Well, just make sure that
everything's ready for 12 o'clock
and try and brighten the canteen up a bit,
you know, get some balloons or something. Gavin loves balloons.
- Oh, I've got one.
Gavin, no sorry, no, it's the same, sorry.
- Heyo.
- Oh-ho-ho, ah.
Ladies and gentlemen, I give you
mister and missus Kieran.
Ah, it's great to see my faithful servant back at my side.
I missed you buddy.
So come on, how was your honeymoon? - Yeah, it were nice.
- Dubai was incredible
and I got to spend two weeks with my lovely new husband.
- Yeah, though one week would've been enough.
- I still say you should've gone to Orlando.
Disney World, Free Willy in a tank,
you can get a day pass for the lot.
- Maybe next time, mate. - Erm, next time?
- Second honeymoon I mean.
- Right, I'm off, don't be late.
- Oh, what's happening later? A romantic meal for the newlyweds?
- No, Homebase, there's a massive discount on lamps.
- Does it have to be tonight? I said I'd catch up with me mates.
- Yes, it does have to be tonight.
Bye, hubby.
- See you.
- Well, that didn't take long.
- What didn't take long? - You getting cosy under Emma's big thumb.
Lamps.
(Lisa sighs)
- Do you want something? - Nothing you're offering.
- Could have fooled me, you're like a seagull
hanging around a trawler.
- Really? Must be the smell.
- Oh, actually, I think I've got.
- [Colin] Ay.
- Yeah. - Well done.
- Yeah? - Yeah, funny.
- Yeah?
- Them bakers do my head in.
- Why don't you like them, Andy? - Look at them with all their bread,
they think they're on the same level as us.
- Don't they have to train for seven years?
- That's doctors, Margaret.
They shouldn't even have their own counter.
I mean, fishmongers, fair enough;
deli counter, alright, I'll let it go 'cause it's you;
and the army, they could have their own counter
if they worked in supermarkets.
- I took one of their bread rolls home for Alan.
He wolfed it down.
- There never used to be a bakery,
just used to have a shelf that said, white bread.
These days there's pitta, focaccia, baguettes,
you have to speak five languages just to ask for the stuff.
- Not this again.
- And don't get me started on falafels.
- How many times? Falafels not a bread.
- Oh, typical, they've even got you fooled.
Anyway, I hate them bakers.
Oh, look out, here she comes, the poisoned dwarf.
- Morning, big chops.
- Did I hear a noise?
Oh, sorry, I didn't see you there Sharon.
Margaret, can you get a chair for Sharon to stand on?
- He's joking, Margaret.
- Oh, oh yeah, chair, yeah.
- You lot are quiet, we haven't stopped all morning.
- It's a marathon, not a sprint.
Let's see how cocky you are during the three o'clock meat rush.
- Anyway, I just wanted to fill you in
on summat I heard on the grapevine.
- I am the grapevine.
- Oh so I guess you know about the new boss then?
- Of course I do, what about him?
- Well, he is a she for starters
and she's from Iceland.
- So?
- So, they don't have butchers at Iceland, do they?
They don't have butchers at all.
- Margaret, could you get me that chair please?
I think I need to sit down.
- Chair. (laughs)
You.
- Think you'll be alright?
- Now, I must be away by three o'clock,
otherwise head office is gonna have my guts
turned into piles of garters.
- Of course, but you're not to be late for lunch either.
12 on the dot, it's very important.
- I agree, most important meal of the day,
after breakfast.
In fact, I think I'm in the mood for a jacket potato.
And delete, there.
Gavin Strong has been erased from the matrix.
- Gavin it's like you're painting yourself out of the picture.
- Well, it's only an email address, Julie,
you know, you can't get attached to these things.
Mind you, I'm gonna miss this keyboard though,
the extended number pad has been a lifesaver.
- Oh, look, is this a present I see?
Yes, I think it is.
- Oh, how thoughtful.
It's like Christmas day.
Oh, the world, what a snazzy tie.
Do you know what, I think I might just make this
my Saturday tie.
(Julie squeals and giggles)
- Tell you what, it's a damn sight better than the present I got from the bakers.
I mean, who ever heard of a three-legged gingerbread man?
Leaping frogs, look at the time.
Lorraine's gonna be here any minute.
- Oh, you do think she'll like me, don't you?
- Probably be the best manager you've ever had.
- Impossible.
He's standing proud in front of me.
- Bring on the jacket potatoes.
- How do I look?
How's my hair?
Does it say professional stroke dependable?
- You look like a gold nugget, Julie.
(Julie squeals)
Ah, Lorraine, here already,
we weren't expecting you for another four minutes.
- I was born two weeks late, Gavin,
never been late for anything since.
- Oh, hello, I'm Julie Cooke, deputy manager at Valco.
- Bit European, ain't it?
- Marvellous.
How about I take you to my, well, it's your office.
- I can push pens when you're gone, Gavin,
let's have a tour of the shop floor,
see how this bastard works.
- Ah, Leighton, just the person.
Lorraine, I'd like you to meet Leighton.
Leighton, this is your new manager.
- It's a real pleasure to meet you, sir,
uh, madam, sorry.
- It's alright love.
(Leighton whimpers)
- Special occasion there, Leighton? - Yeah.
No, no, I just really like balloons.
Not all balloons though, I don't like the squeaky ones that
you twist into animal shapes much
but this is (stammering).
Bye.
- Nice kid.
We used to have a few special needs like him at Iceland.
Inspirational they were.
- Oh, no, no, Leighton's not learning disabled,
no, he's just enthusiastic.
In fact, he's a key member of what I like to call
the Valco family.
- Which one are you then?
Dirty uncle?
- All you do is walk about skiving.
- Yeah, at least I don't sit on me fat arse all day.
- Uh, don't have a go at my arse.
- You know, I'm probably the only bloke in Warrington
who's not had a go at your arse.
- You're disgusting.
- Alright, don't get your knickers in a twist.
- I'm not wearing any knickers.
(Colin moans)
- Just 'cause she worked in frozen food don't mean anything.
- You reckon?
No, whoever this bint is,
she's gonna be well out of her depth here.
I'll give her a week.
- I'll bear that in mind, Andy.
- I knew you were there, just a,
you know, bit of banter, ribbing the new boss.
- And what's you're name, gorgeous?
- Kieran.
- Why are you hiding this one on the meat counter, Gavin?
Stick him at the front doors,
you'd have a queue of women waiting to get in.
Me included.
I'll be keeping a good eye on you, Kieran,
every bit of you.
- Oh god, it's nearly lunch.
Gavin, why don't you show Lorraine the fish counter
and I'll meet you in the canteen in exactly four minutes.
- That is a superb idea.
Lorraine, I think you'll be impressed.
Honestly, some of our shrimp are so big,
you'll think they're prawns.
Eh, oh, or is it the other way round?
- For somebody from Iceland,
she speaks very good English.
- Could you slow down a little bit please?
(chattering)
- Oh, now, everyone, quiet.
I think he's coming.
Put your hat on.
Surprise.
Come on everybody, surprise.
(applauding)
Leighton, DVD.
- What the fudge?
(gasping)
- Oh my god, what is that?
Don't look, Gavin.
Leighton, turn it off.
(laughing)
(Julie shrieks)
- Move.
- Turn it off. - Leave it.
- Leighton, unplug it.
Surprise.
- Yeah, but this isn't so much a goodbye
as a goodbye until I see you all again
for my first scheduled visit on the 22nd.
(applauding)
Anyway, today is also a chance
for you to say a big hello to your new store manager,
fresh from the freezers of Iceland, Lorraine Chain.
(applauding)
- I'll keep this brief
as I will be coming to meet you all individually.
Sort out the worker bees from the lazy bastards.
(laughs) I'm just messing.
(laughing)
- That's handy, she's already met you.
- Would, would, no, no way, nearly did once,
would, definitely would.
- What?
You'd shag Louis Walsh?
- He looks cuddly.
- Jesus, Linda.
- What?
And he's Irish, I love the accent.
- You need help.
This is a customer announcement. We are now offering three for two
on all Valco Treat Yourself microwave meals.
So go on, treat yourself.
Louis Walsh?
I thought he was gay.
- Won't be when I'm finished with him - Oh, you're making me feel sick.
- You know what the best of it is,
at the end of it, he'd be able to give me a nice rating
on my performance.
- You'd seriously do that?
- Yeah, let him do whatever he wanted to me.
(laughing)
- Now, Lorraine, I hope you don't mind but I thought I'd put together
an additional information pack.
It's a little bit more detailed than the one you get from head office
but believe me, this job can be difficult.
- Gavin, Gavin, I'm at the end of my tether
and I have to say something.
- Margaret, we knock before entering a manager's office.
- What is it Margaret?
- It's the other mes, they're everywhere.
I can't work with me own face staring at me all the time.
Please can we get rid of them?
- Let me handle this.
No, Margaret, the cutouts are staying and that's final.
- Can I be honest, Gavin?
- I'm all ears.
- She's bang right.
Those cutouts give the wrong image.
Some old woman smiling?
Looks like an advert for a retirement home.
No offence, love.
- Thank you.
- I'll get them shifted for you.
- Oh, that's the best news I've heard all afternoon.
Sorry I didn't knock, I didn't wanna make a noise.
- Eh, gi's a chewing gum.
You horrible twat.
Hiya.
- Oh, Andy, oh.
- So what do you do, Julie?
Apart from stick on mucky films.
- Well, I have numerous duties--
- Don't worry, flower, I'm just messing.
- Excuse me, mate, your doors won't open.
- Oh, I'll deal with this, Gavin.
There's a bit of a knack to these doors.
It's all about the way you walk up to them.
- You're probably best to use the manual override there, Julie.
- I'm fine, Gavin.
I can do some things by myself.
It's more about the rhythm than anything.
- I've got to get to the vets for four.
- Julie, I really think the key is--
- I don't want to use the bloody key, Gavin,
just shut up.
- Julie.
- [Sue] Two packets of Valco own-brand soft bread rolls for the price of one.
Brilliant barbecue buns, enjoy.
- [Lorraine] There you go, love, have a nice day.
- She just can't stand butchers.
- She doesn't seem to mind me.
Think it's just you, mate.
- What the hell am I supposed to do?
- The old Andy Richmond charm routine.
- That is not the worst idea you've ever had, Kieran.
You've seen me in action.
When this Casanova turns on the charm,
women quite literally melt.
- Ooh, I'll have to close me eyes.
- That's the stuff.
Maybe undo the top button, show her the goods.
- Good shout.
Hey, I'll stop by toiletries on the way,
put some splash on, she won't know what's hit her.
- Think stallion.
- Oh, there you are.
- I thought you'd left us.
- Oh, good grief, are you quite alright? - No, I'm not alright.
You're leaving and Lorraine thinks I'm stupid.
- Can I be honest with you, Julie?
When you were first interimming,
do you know what, you were terrible.
- What?
- You've grown to become one of the best deputy managers
I've ever had.
Right up there with Andrew Burns.
- Do you really mean that?
- I mean it like a fox, Julie.
- Oh, Gavin, you always make things better.
Why do you have to leave?
Just as we finally became a team.
- Team Gavin and Julie.
It's a bit like a marriage.
- Without the sexual intercourse.
- No sex on the shop floor, as the saying goes.
- Oh, let's never get divorced.
- Eh, really should get going now.
- Oh, alright.
Oh, oh. - Oh, what've you done?
- It's my watch.
- Can't you just?
- No, it's stuck.
No, don't pull, I can't.
- You're gonna break one of me strings.
- Do you mind knocking?
- Sorry, Lorraine.
Do you mind if I call you Lorraine?
- Boss'll do.
- Okay, boss. I--
- Shitting Christ, what's that smell?
- Don't know.
- Smells like a tart's handbag.
- How strange.
Look, I think we may have got off on the wrong foot.
- Get off my desk.
- Right.
What I'm saying is I think
you and I could be friends, good friends.
Who knows, maybe more than that.
- Do you think I were born yesterday?
- Well, you do look very young.
- Let's get one thing straight.
You might've been able to push Gavin around
like a brown paper bag but not me.
Now, is that all?
♫ Never seen you looking so lovely as you did tonight
(mumbling)
- Get out.
- I'll let you have a go on Kieran if you--
- Out.
- It's a funny feeling though,
when you see yourself being thrown into a bin.
- I suppose it must be.
- Is that the last one, Leighton? - Yeah, I think this one's my favourite.
- Aw, can I have it?
- Eh, yeah.
- Aw, I want just the one,
it'll keep my Alan company when I'm at work.
- Lorraine is definitely a lesbian,
it's the only explanation.
- I think you need some help on how to deal with women, mate.
- Oh, from the boy who lives under the thumb
and goes to Homebase every night? No thank you.
- We're not going to Homebase anymore, actually,
Emma's coming out with me and my mates.
- Oh, how'd you find your bollocks, with a lamp?
- Oh, grow up.
Eh, I better dash, I'll see you tomorrow.
- Miss Chain, Miss Chain.
I just wanted to apologise for what happened earlier.
I'm sorry I lost it,
I suppose I just wanted to impress the new boss.
- Oh, don't worry, kid.
I've given blowjobs to impress the boss before now.
- Right, well, anyway, I'll be much more on it tomorrow,
I promise.
- Any plans for tonight?
- I'll probably just stay up and then go to bed.
How about you?
Up to anything exciting? - Maybe, someone called me a liar,
I've gotta go and sort them out.
- Right, well, I'll see you tomorrow then.
- Have a good one, kid.
(upbeat pop music)
- You got me handbag? - Yes.