- Can you stop that now? - If you can get it anywhere cheaper,
I'll come 'round and cook it myself.
- Red hot deals.
- We've got offers on everything from booze to biscuits.
- Loads of two for ones.
- Service with a smile.
(Margaret giggles) - We have fresh produce.
- Grown locally.
- Don't forget the Valco tick. - Am I gettin' paid for this?
- Valco, oh I wasn't ready. - No.
Oh weren't you ready? (laughing)
- Valco, serves you right.
- [All] Valco, serves you right.
(upbeat music)
- Morning Margaret, love.
- Hey, it's exciting this early start, isn't it?
Everything looks different. - You what, Margaret?
- I've had a cup of coffee this morning to help me get up
and I'm feeling a little buzzy bee.
- Aw, I like seeing everyone here.
It's like the Christmas party.
- Yeah except I'm not holding your hair back
while you throw up.
- I'd had a bad mince pie. - And 15 rum and cokes.
- It was the mince pie.
- Today marks the day of me getting back in the boss's good books.
- Oh yeah I forgot. She hates you doesn't she?
- Bit harsh, Margaret.
- I wonder why we're in, anyway.
Do you think we've won something? - I'll tell you exactly why we're here.
I heard about the same thing happening at Asda once.
- Course you did.
- Boss called all the staff in first thing,
told them we're making some cuts.
There's a hundred of ya, only 50 jobs, fight for it.
And they did.
One of their fishmongers were killed.
- That sounds like murder.
- Sounds like bullshit.
(background chattering)
- I'm sorry, what's all this about again?
I mean as number two, shouldn't I be-- - Don't worry, Julie, flower.
All will be revealed.
Come on, give me a hand up.
- Oh, meeting's started.
- Oh, no point being late.
Might as well miss it.
- We could have a little meeting of our own.
- Don't think so.
What would we even talk about?
(laughing) - You know, hmm?
More like a meeting.
- Oh yeah?
- Yeah.
- Would it be like, a sit-down meeting?
- However you want.
You know, sat down, lay down, stood up.
- Why don't I open my diary,
see if I got room for your meetin'.
- Okay, but hurry up.
You know, we haven't got long. - No, you idiot.
Open my diary.
- (laughing) Aw yeah, your diary's your fanny, innit?
Yeah, yeah, no I get it now.
Yes.
Okay well, how 'bout I bring a whiteboard to this meeting?
- Whiteboard? - Mm-hm.
- What does that even mean?
- I don't know.
I'm just doing what you're doing. - Well, you're rubbish at it.
It's put me right off.
- Like look, do you want to shag or not?
- Yeah.
- Yeah, let's go then.
You're hard work sometimes.
- (whistling) Settle down.
Now you're probably all wondering why I got you in here early.
Let me firstly say don't worry, I'm not sacking anyone.
(Julie giggles)
I'm sure you all read the papers
and you know that it's a price war out there.
- It's true, competition has never--
- I'm in my flow, Julie.
- Sorry.
- People love our basic range,
but every supermarket's got a basic range.
Are we gonna win this scrap by being the same as everyone else?
Are we heck.
I would like you to look in this bag.
Ooh.
- Ooh, isn't it exciting, I told you we'd win something.
- Valco has got a secret weapon in this war
and we're the lucky bastards that get to trial it.
- What an honour it is that we--
- From today, Warrington Valco will be the only
major UK supermarket to have a range
below the basic range.
I give you the Valco No Nonsense Range.
(background chattering)
- No Nonsense baked beans in tomato liquid.
- Look cracking, don't they?
(Julie titters)
Any questions so far?
- No!
- She's had a coffee.
(phone beeping)
- You nearly done?
- [Colin] Jesus, give me a chance. I got to use my imagination a bit here.
Oh.
(phone beeping)
- I don't think we're meant to be eatin' them.
- What?
- Look at the state of the new kid.
- [Kieran] What?
There's nothing wrong with him. - I hate goths.
All that black.
Brings me down.
I'm a sunshine person.
- He's not a goth, he's emo.
- I don't care what he is.
He needs some vitamin D and a smile on his face.
He's depressing me.
- I've had many honours in my time,
but Head Office choosing our branch
to trial this, pisses on the lot.
(employees clapping)
Anyway, before you run away,
I don't want you to think that life under me is all work and no play
so as of tomorrow, there'll be a pool table in the canteen!
(laughing) (employees exclaiming)
- Aw brilliant. - Get in.
- But that's tomorrow.
Today, we open the doors on a new Valco.
Ian, open the doors!
- You what?
- Open the bastard doors.
- Right, yeah.
Give us a sec.
I've got the keys here somewhere.
- You get the idea.
Go to it, people.
- Found them!
(beeping) (engine revving)
- Morning.
- Hello, Vic.
- What are you doing?
- Just checking my lunch.
- Ooh ooh, what's this? - Give it--
- A little love note - Give it here.
from the missus. - It's private.
- Sorry hun, no crisps.
Think of the salt content.
Bloody hell.
- I said it's private.
- Oh I used to put notes in Alan's lunchbox.
It just said lunch.
- Boss, can I just say what an honour it is
to be working on a day like this.
- You what?
- To be working on the day the new Valco range comes out.
I mean I dreamt of this moment before.
- Is he taking the piss?
- He's just enthusiastic.
- And in the dream it was called the Leighton Range
but apart from that it's exactly the same.
- [Lorraine] Great.
- And if there's anything you need, I'm right here.
I'm right here.
- Actually, there's a point of sale
needs putting up in the entrance for No Nonsense.
I want it to be the first thing people see when they come in.
- Really?
The first thing?
- I want John Customer to say great!
No Nonsense, 'bout bastard time.
You'll find the stuff in my office, so.
- Right.
Don't worry, I'm all over it.
6,000%.
- 12p.
Tell you what, I'm gonna start doing my shopping here from now on.
Get the whole week for 20 quid.
- It looks disgusting.
- It looks like a sausage roll. There's nothing wrong with it.
- All right, eat it then. - Fine.
- Ingredients.
Pork, 9%.
White pepper extract, sage extract, gelatine,
mechanically recovered meat.
- Mechanically recovered meat?
I'd rather eat me own ass.
- You got a big enough plate?
- You cheeky bitch.
- Lol. (giggles)
- Oh, lovely.
- Olives, halloumi, humorous, artichokes.
- You know, I think you should drink coffee more often, Margaret.
You're like a machine.
- I know.
Who'd think coffee could have such an effect?
- Well, it is a drug.
- What, coffee's a drug?
- Oh yeah, that's why I never touch the stuff.
Hugs not drugs, that's my motto.
- So, I've spent all morning on drugs at work?
I don't know who I am anymore.
- Yeah, you do seem like you've changed.
A bit more on edge, shifty eyes,
I just hope today's not random drug test day.
- Random drug test day?
- Oh yeah, they do it every year.
Come 'round, take a sample of urine.
Find out who's hopped up on happy pills,
who's chasing the dragon.
- What am I gonna do if it's today, Andy?
Oh, please don't let 'em sack me.
- Don't worry, Margaret.
If they come 'round here, I'll piss in the pot for you.
- Oh, thank you Andy.
Oh that is so lovely of you.
- Ooh. (laughing)
- Ham, shit-cake mushrooms, salami, sun-dried potatoes.
(clattering) - Balls!
- Colin!
- What?
- All right, Lay-turd.
- I keep telling you it's Leighton.
Leighton.
- Settin' up a new display?
- Yeah.
I've been entrusted to set up the display for the new range
and I'm not sure, but I think
it might be the proudest moment of my life.
- Yeah.
It probably is.
See you later, Lay-turd.
- Leighton.
It's Leighton.
It even says it on my badge.
L-E-I-G-H-T-O-N.
Leighton.
- Fetch me some of that diced.
- Hey babes, don't have any of this mince.
Have some lettuce, love Emma.
- Wow, when did she put that there?
Did you see her come in here? - It's not funny.
- Whoa, Tommy Temper's here.
- What's the matter, hun? I just care about what you eat.
- Actually, how did she put it there?
- No, Margaret.
- Just leave it, all right?
- All right, I'm only messin'.
- Don't, it's not funny.
(laughs)
- Don't go too quick on that thing. You don't wanna get done for speeding.
- Hey, I fancy I could outrun you on this.
- Probably not wrong there, Vic.
See you later!
- You not touched your tea.
It'll get cold, Linda,
and I'm not making you another one.
- All right, God's sake.
What the fu--
(Sue laughs)
Mechanically recovered sausage?
- How did that get there? (Linda groans)
(Sue giggling)
(Margaret laughs)
- What's so funny?
- Ah, nothing.
I'm just remembering a joke Andy told me earlier.
(Margaret laughs)
- All right.
- You'd a laughed.
It were about this dog called Peppa Legs.
- All right, I don't think you should have coffee full-stop.
It's driving you mad.
I'm Andy, I didn't tell you any joke about a dog.
- I'm not talking about you.
I mean the new Andy.
- What new Andy?
- Him.
- No, no, no.
There's only one Andy here.
Oi, oi.
Yeah, you, Smiler.
Don't think you can swan 'round here with my name.
- What?
I don't know what you're on about.
- I'm Andy.
All right?
I am, ergo, you're not.
- And it says here that you are signed up at uni.
- If you're worried about the course, I'd make sure that my studying
wouldn't interfere with my work. Valco would always come first.
- Do you know what I think, Katie?
- What?
- I think you couldn't give a bull's balls about Valco.
You've signed up at uni, need money for the snake bite
and there are no other jobs out there.
- Absolutely not, I--
- Doesn't matter.
Bottom line is saves us training up someone new
and you're brighter than some of the idiots I've seen.
- So?
- Job's yours if you want it, love.
(beeping) (clattering)
- I don't know what the big deal is.
- You can't have two people with the same name
working in the same place.
It's madness.
- Loads of people with the same name work together.
- Long before you started, we had two Lees working here.
Within a year, they destroyed each other.
This is all part of Lorraine's plan to undermine me.
- You're mad.
- I bet I wouldn't get treated like this if I was a baker.
- What about the Chuckle Brothers?
They've got the same name and they work together.
Oh, hello Julie.
- Oh, oh, you can tell Boss Woman her plan's not gonna work.
She won't force me out.
- What?
- This new Andy.
It won't work.
- I've got absolutely no idea what you're talking about.
- Oh sorry I thought she'd be keeping you in the loop.
I guess we're both out in the cold.
- For your information, I'm a very valued member
of the management team.
- Bet she didn't tell you about the pool table either, did she?
- Not that it's any of your business, Andy,
but I'm on a need-to-know
executive, managerial synergy.
I don't need to explain myself to underlings.
- Bloody hell.
All right, Katie!
- Hi Lisa, you're looking well.
- Cheers, yeah.
I had a stomach parasite last month so I lost a stone.
- [Katie] Great.
- Oh, knew you'd be back.
- Cheers.
- Yeah, thought you'd last longer than a few months, though.
No offence.
It's not really travelling that, is it?
- Yeah it's more travelling than you've done on that chair.
- All right.
No need to get arsey.
See ya.
What?
♫ We found love in a hopeless place
- You what?
- What?
- A hopeless place?
- Yeah, that's how it goes.
- No, it's homeless place.
- (giggling) Homeless?
Where did you get that from? - Well, the video.
She looks like a tramp, doesn't she?
- Ah, Sue.
What the bloody hell is a homeless place?
- One of them shelters where they give you free soup.
What's a hopeless place then?
- Here with you.
Completely bloody hopeless.
(both laughing)
♫ We found love in a hopeless place
(both laughing)
- Oh.
- Oh, it's nice. - It was.
- Well, well, well.
Look who it is.
- Oh, Katie.
Well you look different.
You look so...
- What?
- Brown.
- Oh, right yeah.
I still got my tan. - So how was the travelling?
What were your flight like? Oh, you weren't put in a Thai jail was ya?
Ooh, I'm sorry, I've had a coffee.
I'm a bit faster than normal.
- Yeah, travelling was great.
Got to see the world and that.
- What you doing back here anyway? - Aw, I'm with my mum again.
Start uni next week.
- Uni?
- Yeah, studying psychology.
- You should've come to me.
I know more about the human mind than any university.
- Yeah, I did think about coming to you first
but I thought I'd learn more from a professor than a butcher. (laughs)
- You just missed Bug-a-lugs, he's gone on his break.
- Oh right.
How is Kieran?
- Still the second best butcher in Valco.
- (laughing) How was his wedding?
- Oh it was brilliant.
Brilliant.
I was on top form.
Made one of his mates literally piss himself.
- [Margaret] So are you coming back here to work?
- Just had an interview with the new Gavin.
- Oh, don't get me started on her.
Surprised she even interviewed you.
Thought she was only taking on people with my name.
- There's two Andys now.
Can you believe it, Katie?
Under one roof.
- I don't think I want to.
Anyway, I best get going.
- So we'll see you soon, touch wood.
Oh, there's no wood.
Oh, close enough. (chuckling)
- Yeah, I'll see you later.
- Paying nine grand a year to study psychology.
I'd have done it for nowt.
- No Sense.
What happened to the middle bit? - Some of the letters were missing
so I thought I'd use some initiative.
- And how the frig is that using initiative?
- Well, it's a good question, thank you for asking.
Well, I thought that since it can't say no nonsense
I thought I might just leave a gap here
so it looks like no nothing sense,
which is pretty similar to no nonsense and I don't want to get carried away,
but maybe we should suggest that all branches do it like that.
- Yeah, I'll phone Head Office now.
- Oh, you do that?
Can I go and call my mum?
I gotta call my mum.
- Any thicker and we could sell him as double cream.
Oh, out with it.
- Oh, it's nothing.
- It doesn't sound like nothing.
- Well, I feel like I'm out of the loop.
I'm a deputy manager.
I belong in the loop.
Right in the middle of it.
- If this is about the new range,
that was from Head Office. - What about the new pool table?
I wasn't consulted on that, either.
- You're quite right, flower.
I should've told you about the new range.
You're my number two.
- Well, thanks.
- Well you don't have to worry about the pool table.
Let's just keep that shower happy.
It's the oldest management trick in the book.
- Oh really?
- Did the same at Iceland first week.
Bought them a ball.
They'd have marched into hell for me after that.
(Julie giggles)
From now on, we're a management team.
- Go team!
- Yeah, see ya later.
- That was a high, bye!
- Kieran!
- Katie! - Hi!
- Jesus.
God.
How long have you been back? - I've moved back.
Start uni next week, so--
- Uni? - Mm.
- Ah. - Shut up.
- Well what are you doing here?
- I've just been for an interview.
- Really? - Mm-hm.
- What, and you were gonna go without saying hello?
- Well I went past the meat counter but you weren't there,
so I was just gonna--
- I thought you were meant to be gone six months.
What happened?
- Nothing.
It was great, you know.
I had a brilliant time, enjoyed seeing the sites and that.
- But? - It was just
a bit annoying.
There was a lot of rich kids on their gap years, you know.
Did my head in.
- What, and you're coming back here? Here, here, to work?
- Old job's mine if I want it.
Woo!
- Ah, it'll be fun.
- Well I've got to pay my student loan somehow.
- What, River Island turned you down then? - (laughing) Funny!
Yeah, they did actually.
- Ah, it's not so bad working here.
- I suppose.
Although I've got to buy a new uniform.
Set fire to the old one when I was pissed. (laughing)
- I better go but
I'll see you soon. - Better go anyway, so.
I heard you tied the knot then?
- Yeah, all married up now.
Under the (mimics whip cracking).
- Ah, congratulations, mate.
- I best--
- I better go anyway.
See ya.
- Oh! - Sorry.
Oh.
(Lorraine laughing)
- And she said if both your hands are on my shoulders,
what's that stickin' in my back?
(both laughing)
(Sharon whispers)
(Lorraine laughs)
- Can I have a word, Lorraine?
- Go on back to work.
- Just thought you should know,
I know what you're doing.
- What the frig are you on about now?
- This new kid, bringing in someone with my name
so I'll jump ship.
I bet you won't bring in another Sharon, would ya?
- Andy for the love of God, look at me.
Do I look like a woman who doesn't know how to sack someone?
If I wanted you out, believe me you would know about it.
I'd have you crying like a little baby.
- Can't work with another Andy.
It's insane.
- Jesus, you've never heard of a nickname?
- Good idea, thanks.
Yeah, I'll do that.
- Anything else?
Any other emergencies?
- No, that's all.
Cheers, boss.
(clattering)
- Yes!
Get in there!
- What about Black Hair?
- Raven.
Nah, that's not right.
- Black-haired boy.
- Goth Boy.
Closer, but just, it's not quite right.
- The Boy With The Black Hair.
- Sounds like a bloody book, Margaret.
I've got it.
From now on, you are Andrew.
- But I'm not an Andrew.
My name's just Andy.
- It's Andrew or it's 10 rounds with me in the warehouse.
- Fine.
Whatever.
I'm Andrew.
- Cheer up.
- Hey, you'll never guess who you've just missed?
- Gary Barlow.
- No. - Katie?
- Yeah, how did you--
- I've just seen her.
- Oh, what did you say Gary Barlow for then?
Is he here?
- It was just a joke, Margaret.
- Oh.
Oh yeah, (laughing) yeah, Gary Barlow.
- Has that coffee worn off yet? - Oh, I think so.
I won't be doing that again.
All day I felt like I've been in a car chase.
- You know you can get decaf?
- Well that's what I have.
Oh, I only ever have decaf.
Won't have that other stuff, sends you mad!
- Good.
Good.
- Yes, good.
- Quick pint?
- Yeah, oh wait no, I can't actually.
I promised I'd paint the bathroom.
- Jesus, why don't you just tuck it between your legs
and have done with it?
Oh Andrew mate, don't worry.
Your new name badge will be here by the end of the week.
See ya later.
- Night night, Dave.
- Night, Margaret.
(jolly rock music)