- Could you stop that now? - If you can get it anywhere cheaper,
I'll come round and cook it myself. - Red hot deals.
- Offers on everything from booze to biscuits.
- Loads of two-for-one.
- Service with a smile.
(laughing)
- We have fresh produce. - Grown locally.
- Don't forget the Valco tick! - That way.
- Am I getting paid for this? - Valco!
- I wasn't ready.
(laughing)
- Valco serves you right.
- [All] Valco, serves you right!
(upbeat happy music)
- [Woman] I'd just like to remind our customers
about our special buy one get one
free offer on all Valco packs of
fruit and vegetables. Offer ends today.
(sighs)
- Morning.
- Oh hello, you're in early.
What's happened? Has Emma chucked you out?
Why would Emma chuck me out?
- Plenty of reasons, your eyes for one.
Shifty little things.
Maybe you shagged her sister, I don't know.
- Emma hasn't got a sister and she hasn't chucked me out, I just
thought I'd come in early, if that's all right with you.
- Of course it's not all right with me. You see this badge?
Head butcher,
that means I should get here first.
- It doesn't say "head butcher" on your badge.
- It does up here.
Just remember that, morning glory.
- So this is Katie, it's her first day
too but she already knows the ropes,
so we thought we'd stick you on here together.
Katie, this is Neville.
- Morning.
- Morning!
- This is very exciting, I've been in here so many times
and I never dreamt I'd actually end up working here.
- How are you finding the kiosk, Katie?
Bit of a step up from the tills, eh?
- Uh, I keep having to pinch myself.
- I'm sure that Katie won't mind me
saying this, but she used to be
quite slack before.
Things are very different under me and Lorraine.
You're looking different today, Julie.
Your hair.
It looks like Lorraine's.
- No it doesn't.
It's nothing like Lorraine's!
Honestly, Katie, you and your imagination.
- [Lorraine] Morning, petal.
- Oh, there she is now. Lorraine!
I don't think she can hear me. Lorraine!
That's classic Lorraine.
I'd better, um, Lorraine!
- Right.
I am all yours.
- [Julie] Lorraine! - Teach me everything you know.
- Well, you'll have to leave early.
An apprentice doing more hours than his master?
I don't think so.
- Fine.
- What the hell's this? A ticket machine?
- Yeah.
It were just here when I got here. - Oh, that's it then, they're replacing
us with machines already.
I told you this would happen.
Just like.
- Terminator. - Terminator, it is.
We're not using that.
Carry on at this rate, in two months time, this counter will just be a
vending machine.
We'll have to go down the job centre, if they still exist by then.
Yeah, that'll probably just be a laptop in the high street.
Yeah, tap in your identification
number, 13 digits.
How am I supposed to remember 13 digits?
- All right, Julie, love.
- All right Duck!
Good weekend, were it?
- Not bad.
Mended a couple of cars, got shit-faced.
You ready for this inspection?
- Oh, you needn't worry.
It's only Gavin.
He's more of friend
than a boss, really.
- Friendship's overrated.
Had one at school. Never again.
- Oh, no, me too.
I don't have any.
- Good.
'Cause whatever you might think of your Gavin, he's area manager now.
That means he's the enemy.
- Oh, don't worry pet, I'm sure Gavin
will see that you're taking a no-nonsense approach on the
no-nonsense range.
- That's about the fifth time you've tried that joke, Julie,
and it's shite.
- Sorry.
- Is there something up with your voice?
- No no no, nowt's up.
- Well, it's a bit distracting, and I
want you sharp as a bastard for this inspection.
You are my eyes and ears, Jules.
(whistles)
- Oh.
Easy, tiger.
- Where do the balls go? - Where do the,
in the pockets.
And then, um, then into another dimension.
Ooh, hello.
- Serious?
Ah, hello.
That's it.
Let me just give you a hand with that. Just, feel the pressure.
That's it.
- Can I have a go?
- [Colin] What?
- Can I have a go?
- No, we're just, um, we're just lining up another shot here.
Follow it through.
That's it.
Ohh.
And then it,
that's it.
And stand up again.
- We don't need a ticket machine.
- If Lorraine and I say it's staying,
it's staying.
- It makes the place look cheap!
- So do you, but you're still here, aren't you?
- Good one, Julie.
- I don't have to have one for deli, do I?
Because I'm not very good with machines.
The amount of times my washing line's broke.
- [Lorraine] Don't worry Margaret, love, you don't need one.
- Neither do we!
- Suppose we could give it. - We've already got a system for
knowing who's next, it's this:
Who's next?
- Well, it was Kieran's idea and I think it's a good one.
- Your idea?
Is this why you came in early?
- He's not just a pretty face and a pert bum, eh?
(grunts)
I could spend a day on that.
- [Woman] All Valco brand boxes of 40 Pyramid tea bags on offer,
two for one, don't miss out on this
fantastic offer which ends today.
- It's very exciting, all this, isn't it?
Just as someone's getting the chance to win the lottery,
I'm being given the chance of a second career.
- Then you take the money and give them the change.
- Some people think starting again in your forties is sad,
but is me working here sad?
I don't think so.
- Why don't you give it a go?
- Right.
(machine beeping)
Shimples!
Is that uh,
are the kids still saying that? - No.
(inhales deeply)
- You've eaten it.
- What was I meant to do with it? - But you're saying it was off.
- It was.
- You've ate it all! - How else am I meant to know it was
on the turn?
- Would you like to go and get another pie and we'll put it through for you?
- No.
My mate got 100 quid's worth of vouchers
for an off bun.
- I'm sorry sir, we can offer you another pie, that's it.
- What if that one's off? - Well, don't eat it and bring it back.
- How am I meant to know if it's off if I can't eat it?
- Just smell it.
- I've no sense of smell.
- Get your wife to smell it.
- Haven't got a wife.
(laughs)
- I am speechless.
Speechless!
- You're pretty loud, considering. - My own apprentice sneaking in early
like Judas with a ticket machine.
I feel sick.
- It was just an idea.
- Well you shouldn't be having ideas, you're not head butcher, I am!
Who has the ideas in Gotham, Batman or Robin?
- You're not Batman.
- Et tu, Kieran.
Et tu.
- I was just trying to show some initiative, that's all.
- Yeah, why start now?
- Because I'm married, because I've got a wife and a house,
I need to think about my career, and Emma thought.
- Oh, don't "Emma thought" me.
I'll be phoning her up telling her how to do her perm next.
- Why do you always think she's a hairdresser?
She's a PA in a law firm.
- Yeah, a law firm full of ticket machines, I bet.
- Well I'm sorry for trying to do something different,
I just don't want to end up stuck behind here for the next 20 years.
I'm sorry, I didn't mean.
- Don't touch me.
Don't even look at me.
- Can I have eight slices of back please? - Have you got a ticket?
- No.
- Can't serve you then.
- What can I get you?
- Morning Kieran!
- Morning.
(laughing)
- Gavin!
Have you been on holiday?
- No Margaret, I don't work here now.
- You do!
- No, I'm the area manager.
- I need Friday morning off.
- You'll have to take that up with Lorraine now Margaret.
- But you're here!
- Friday morning, you say?
- Yeah.
I've got a doctor's appointment.
- I'll see if I can sort it with Lorraine.
- Oh, thank you Gavin.
- Anyway, it's nice to see you Margaret.
- Yeah!
Bye!
- Oh, there you are.
- Here I am.
- So how was your first day back?
- Nothing's changed.
Lisa's even swinging on the same chair as when I left.
- Well we got a new boss?
- Lorraine. (laughs)
- And we got a ticket machine now on the meat counter.
- Wow.
That's big.
- Yeah it's all right, actually, it was my idea.
- Really?
- Yeah, I just thought I'd show some initiative.
- Oh right.
How are you anyway? I mean, home, how's Emma?
- Yeah, she's fine.
- Married life treating you well? - Yeah, good, you know.
- Great.
- Yeah.
- I'd better get back. - Yeah, me too, meat counter doesn't
run itself, does it?
- No.
Andy does it, doesn't he? - (laughs) I've missed that wit.
How do you think these things up? Where does it come from?
- I don't know.
- Somewhere in there. - You're not big, you're not clever.
See you.
- See you later.
(knocking)
- Yes.
Gavin.
- It's really strange hearing the knock
from the other side.
It's much clearer.
That's a little racy.
- It's just a normal bloke doing
an honest day's work.
Hey Julie, I bet if Gavin had a
torso like that he'd never
keep his top on.
- Gavin would never take his top off.
I'm sure if forced, he'd give
Mr. Poster Man a run for his six pack.
- Really?
Go on, let's have a look
then, Gavin.
- Really rather not.
Anyway, to business.
Well, first off,
I can.
Well honestly say you've taken a no-nonsense approach
to the no-nonsense range.
The display, well, it looks smashing.
- Thank you Gavin.
- I mean I wouldn't use as much of it myself.
Off the record, I think it cheapens the store.
But a head office directive is a head
office directive.
Mea culpa.
- We think it gives the shoppers more choice, don't we, Julie?
- Oh, oh yes we do Lorraine.
Um, but um, yes,
the world would be a boring place
if it were all the same.
- Well it really is great to pop back
to my old patch.
I feel like part of the furniture.
- Like a comfy sofa!
- I see myself as more of an ottoman.
(giggles)
- They're called pouffes where I come from.
- There you go.
39.
(mallet smashing)
- So as you can see, we've given over more space to no-nonsense
without sacrificing treat yourself.
- Yeah, fabulous, really.
Fabulous.
You and Lorraine seem to be working excellently together.
- She really gets me, Gavin.
It's like we're the same woman.
- You're certainly looking very similar. New hairdo?
- Well, no harm in a little change.
- Yeah, life on the road is quite the transition,
I'm not sure that my constitution could take another motorway pasty.
- You should pack a lunch. - It's not so much that, having to
spend time at head office,
those boys over there, they're a different breed.
- I heard once that Marcus Knight has a basketball ring in his office.
- He does, that man's an animal.
The one thing I'm really struggling
with is being expected to work from one's car.
- You're a desk man.
- I am, Julie.
- If only you could get a car with a desk in it.
Hey, that would be a good one for Dragons' Den.
I'm here today asking for 50,000 pounds
for my new invention.
"The car desk".
- No, no, I don't think that would work. Far too dangerous.
(beeps)
- Oh, here she is, Valco's own little headshrinker.
- Alright, meathead. - You can't talk to us unless you've
got a ticket.
- Ooh!
Is this the new ticket machine?
It's better than you said.
- Do not encourage him.
- Oh, alright.
Chilli beans.
- No, stick around,
you could watch him try and take my job. You know what?
While you're at it, you might as well have my car as well.
- I don't want your car. - Why, what's wrong with it?
- Are you selling your car, Andy? - It's Kieran's car now.
- Oh, have you and Emma got two cars now.
She must earn good money for a hairdresser.
- She's not a hairdresser.
- She cuts yours, doesn't she?
Case closed.
- That was once.
- The problem with kids these days,
they're like sharks,
circling after your job instead of waiting their turn,
learning the trade.
- Bingo!
- Hey, she won!
- Are you actually going to buy some meat?
- No, thank you, my Alan's got a quiche in.
- Well, why are you taking the ticket for then?
- Excuse me, I'm next.
- He'll serve you.
- What can I get you?
- You mucky bitch.
- If you keep talking like that, I'll have to wring me knickers out.
- Give us a bit of that.
- Can eat it off me if you want.
- Meet me out the back in a minute.
- Yes, I'm quite good at this.
- Fancy seeing how it's really done, son?
- Um.
OK, if you win you have to play the next person.
Colin said that's the rules, I've been here all morning,
I haven't even had a wee.
- I won't keep you two ticks.
You are looking at the St Helen's Pool Champ 82-83.
- You played pool for a whole year,
that's amazing, Andy.
- Well, anyway, I suppose I better crack on with that report.
I can honestly say that that was one
of the best jacket potatoes I've had all year.
I hope you're not trying to bribe me. (giggling)
- Bloody hell.
It's like having a lunch with Mary Poppins, isn't it?
Bit of a wimp, isn't he?
Your Gavin.
- Oh, I don't know, he's more um,
old fashioned than anything.
- I just don't like him being here.
He's still the enemy, Julie.
Don't forget that.
- The enemy definitely.
- I want to level with you, Julie.
You're starting to grate on my tits.
- You get to meet so many new people here.
You do your shopping while you're at work.
It's mind-blowing.
No wonder you came back.
- I'm not here full-time, I start Uni soon.
- Oh, wonderful!
I loved being at university.
They were the best years of my life. - Really?
- Yes, that and the first year of my marriage.
Second and third years weren't so happy.
So are you courting, Katie?
- Courting?
No, not at the minute.
So are you married then? - Oh God, no.
It wasn't meant to be.
- Aww, that's a shame.
- No, it's for the best.
She's much happier now, plus Mike's
a great mate.
You know, I don't have to worry about getting along
with a new fella.
- Oh well, that's something I guess.
- Yes, so now I'm free and on the market.
Watch out, women of Warrington, the
shackles are off, Neville's back on the shelf.
- Oh!
The balls must be weighted.
Let's play another.
- My arms ache, Andy.
- Young arms like yours should be able to keep going all day.
- My arms are 23 like me, that's quite old in arm years.
- That's the trouble with young guys these days.
No stamina, no staying power.
No loyalty.
Right, come on, sunshine, we're playing again.
Oh, bollocks!
- That's for you, that's yours.
And.
- Are you going to be long? - I'm serving as fast as I can.
We're just having a few problems with the new system.
- Excuse me, sir.
Where's your fat friend? - He's still on his lunch.
- It's three o'clock, I'll give him bastard lunch.
Two hour break?
I knew even you
couldn't eat for that long. - Two hours?
Never.
Me watch must have gone.
- That clock up there, Jimmy White, that's not gone.
- I'm sorry, Lorraine, the lad asked
me to teach him how to play pool. - I don't pay you to play pool
so put that cue down and get back to pissing work.
- Thank you, thank you.
- That's a foul but because it was your last ball,
technically it's a win for me.
Better luck next time, sunshine.
- Slippers?
- They don't fit.
- We don't even sell slippers. - You do.
- Sir, we do not and never have sold slippers.
- Yes, you have.
- It even says M&S inside.
- Sure there's nowt you can do about the pie?
(laughing)
- [Woman] Come on.
Uh,
what would you like? - [Woman] To be served sometime today.
I'm next.
- Well, well, this has all gone
tits-up, hasn't it?
- Just teething problems, I've never worked with a machine before.
- I think you'll find you have.
- Just help, will you?
- A simply apology will suffice.
- I'm sorry.
- OK, who's next?
And after you? - I'm next.
- Okay, we'll be with you in a jiffy. What can I do you for?
- Gammon.
- Gammon, how many pieces? - Just one.
- Just the one?
Aw.
- Oh, Gavin.
I'm ever so sorry to trouble you but
I need the afternoon off,
not the morning.
- Oh, yes, Julie.
Margaret needs Friday morning.
Sorry, afternoon off for her doctors appointment.
- I'm sure it will be fine.
- Oh, thank you, Gavin, I'll see you tomorrow.
- Well, no, I keep trying to explain.
I am no longer based here so.
Bye, Margaret.
- Bye, Gavin.
Don't drive too fast. (laughs)
- Oh, well, look, there it is.
No nonsense.
Maybe I should try some since you
and Lorraine thinks so highly of it.
- Well, to be honest, Gavin, I find it
a bit Jeremy Kyle.
Do you know what I mean? - Lorraine seems to be a big fan.
- Well, I think it's more suited to her palate.
- I suppose she's a little bit rough around the edges.
- Taking this home for me tea, ya bastards!
- Ow!
- I might do the same, Julie, it looks tasty.
How are you getting on, Gavin? - All good.
Oh yes.
And great job, Lorraine.
Very impressed.
- There we go, sir.
Enjoy.
So are you gonna go and tell the Wicked Bitch of the West
we don't need it?
- Okay, I suppose it wasn't one of my best ideas.
- Don't worry, I've got enough ideas for the two of us.
- Oh, not the barbecue bath again. - I tell you, it's a winner.
You're alright, Margaret?
- Well, I asked Gavin to give me the
afternoon off instead of the morning and now it
looks like I'm skiving off
early for the weekend.
- What time is your appointment? - Half past 12.
- Why don't you go in your lunch break?
- Oh, aye. (laughing)
Oh, I'm gonna go find Gavin.
(knocking)
- Yes?
Julie, sit down.
- I think that Gavin was very
impressed with-- - Sit down.
Look, Julie.
It's Wednesday afternoon, PE time,
we're picking teams.
Are you going to be on my team or
are you going to be on Gavin's?
- I'm going to be on your team, Lorraine.
- Good.
'Cause my team always wins, Julie.
Always.
On your way.
- Yes, Miss.
I mean Lorraine.
- By the way, I shall be glad when your hair is back to normal.
That looks like a bastard bird's nest.
- [Katie] Alright?
- Yeah.
No.
If I have any more bright ideas, take me out and shoot me, will you?
- Why, what happened?
- Hey.
- Katie.
You never said Katie was back.
- Yeah, I got a place at uni.
- Uni, ace!
So will you be working here much then?
- A bit, I've got to pay my way.
- It's such a shame you couldn't make the wedding.
- Oh, I know.
- Had an amazing day, didn't we, babe?
- Totally.
- Kieran started crying at our first dance.
- Ah, did he?
- I filled up, I wasn't like bawling.
- It was sweet.
Anyway, nice to see you, Katie.
- Yeah, you too.
- [Emma] So how did the ticket machine go then?
- [Kieran] I'll tell you that one later.
- Oh, have you seen Gavin?
Gavin?
Uh, no.
(sighs)
(upbeat happy music)