- Could you stop that now? - If you can get it anywhere cheaper,
I'll come round and cook it meself. - Red hot deals.
- We've got offers on everything, from booze to biscuits.
- Loads of two for ones. - Service with a smile.
(laughter)
- [Woman] We have fresh produce. - Grown locally.
- Don't forget the Valco tick. - That way.
- Am I getting paid for this?
- Valco. - I wasn't ready.
- Oh, weren't you ready? (laughter)
- Valco serves you right.
- [All] Valco serves you right.
(supermarket trolley jangling)
(customers faintly chattering)
(scanners faintly beeping)
(yawning)
- Oh for God's sake!
Late night?
- Oh, only a Blu-ray marathon.
Get this, Predator, Predator 2,
Alien vs. Predator, and then Predators.
- Living the dream.
- It certainly gave me some dreams. About Predators.
You should try it.
- Yeah, I'm not sure Emma would be up for that somehow.
- Oh, I guess she prefers films
where Jennifer Aniston gets married. - She just don't like films.
I caught her checking her phone during Batman.
- Oh!
Checking her phone? During The Dark Knight Rises?
Bloody hell, I hope she's a good shag.
(sighing)
- Morning, Margaret. Everything all right?
- Oh, hang on to your hat, Kieron,
all sorts is about to happen.
- Ooh, sounds ominous.
- It is omnibus.
It's my annual unlucky day,
when everything always goes up the spout.
- Your annual unlucky day?
Why, what happened last year? - Oh don't ask.
- All right, I won't.
- I burnt Alan's breakfast
and then I dropped a carriage clock.
(groaning)
- Good morning, Lorraine!
- Good morning, Gavin.
Full of energy as usual.
Like one of them Duracell rabbits banging his cymbals.
- I've said it before and I'll say it again.
Cod liver oil tablets.
- I don't believe in any of that shite.
The only supplements I take are salt and pepper.
- Speaking of flavourings, the sales figures
for the No Nonsense range could use a little spicing up.
- They'll pick up, Gavin.
The bastards round here just don't know what's good for them.
- No Nonsense Range Sausage Dinner
certainly isn't good for them. I tried one last night.
Gave me a very unwanted tummy ache.
- Would you mind telling me why you're here?
- I'll tell you why I'm here, Lorraine.
It pains me to say it, but this branch of Valco
has become something of a wounded lion.
- Maybe that's because I got saddled
with loony Julie for a deputy.
- Yes, well you were really rather hard on her.
- And as a result, I have decided
to spend a bit more time here, keep an eye on things.
- Well, you're more than welcome to cast your eyes
on those stock figures because they don't add up.
It is as clear as nun's piss the staff are on the take.
- On the take?
- No, every store has a bit of stock going AWOL,
it's part of life's mysteries.
- The only mystery is why you didn't do anything about it.
Which I fully intend to.
Today.
- Well what are you suggesting? Making everyone turn out their pockets?
- We are perfectly entitled,
I checked the rule book in the khazi.
All we need is two members of staff.
One, two.
- Flames on fire.
- Sorry mate, can't give you a refund.
You've already written happy birthday Terry in it.
Geez, you don't have to be mad to work here but it helps.
- Didn't help Julie, did it?
- Ahh, let's not talk about her behind her back.
So has she completely lost her marbles? - That's what I heard.
Just gone mad.
I tell you what, me Uncle Pete went mad once in a pub.
- Really, what happened to him?
- Landlord just gave him a good kicking. He were fine after that.
Is this your boyfriend, Katie?
Bloody hell, what nursery did you steal him from?
- Yeah, this is Stu.
- Hi, y'alright?
- Hiya.
- God, I had a job in customer services once.
Hard plastering a smile on your face all day, isn't it?
- Yeah, we don't tend to bother.
- So the shaving foam's over there. Do you mind if I leave you to it?
I'd better go to the kiosk.
- You don't need to start shaving yet do you?
Wait til you're old enough.
- Oh leave him alone, Sue.
- Oh. - Oh.
- So I'll see you later then?
- Cool beans.
- Yeah, cool, beans.
- Aww, puppy love.
- I've seen happier puppies in the RSPCA adverts.
(laughter)
- And there's the risk of lawsuits.
The paperwork, it could be 12 foot high.
- You're too soft round the ears, Gavin.
We have to be firm with staff, not tickle their arseholes.
- You know, Lorraine, you really should watch your language on the shop floor.
People will think they're on a building site.
- Well, gosh.
I'd better bite my tongue.
Oi you, you lummox.
You're not at the Early Learning Centre now.
Plonk those down and follow us.
- [Leighton] Where are we going?
- Well, I'm going to crack a few heads today
and I might as well start with yours.
Not that I'm expecting to find anything inside it.
- Don't worry Leighton, it's just a routine check, that's all.
- Is it about the nits?
I promise I haven't got nits.
I even wash my hair in vinegar just to make sure.
- Don't worry.
- Oh and Leighton, between you and me, never plonk, always place.
- Oh yeah, just like you told me.
- Morning Victor, how are we today?
- Oh, not three bad.
Lovely day.
- Yes, yes, nice not to have rain for a change.
- Oh yes.
I'm not a fan of rain, Andy.
Have I ever told you about my days as a prisoner of war?
- Yes, yes, you have, yeah.
It rained every day.
- Every day.
- For 300 days.
Yeah you did mention it.
Bit busy at the moment, mate.
- Well, that's it, I mean if you'd ever seen action,
Andy, you'd understand.
- Oh, I've seen action, mate.
- I didn't know that.
What was it, Falklands, was it?
- St Helens, 1998.
Me and Sonic Ken trapped in a bunker.
Took a paintball right to the ear.
- Yeah, that sounds just like World War II.
- I'm not sure a paintball's the same
as the real fog of war, Andy.
- I've experienced the fog of war.
Me goggles misted up, I nearly ran to the wrong base.
- So, this is the Batcave, is it?
- I prefer to call it Leighton's Locker. - Well, I think we can presume
that none of this has come off the shop floor.
- Actually, Gavin, some of it has come off the shop floor.
- Told you so.
Shine a bright light on a rat
and he'll soon start squealing.
- This tangerine net came off the shop floor.
And I was going to put it in the bin
but it's perfect for my collection of powerballs.
- What's that at the back?
(evil chuckle)
That is a Valco tin.
- This is the last tin of Spaghetti Faces.
It's a collector's item.
- Ha, well I never.
I haven't seen one of these for three years.
- How do we know you didn't pinch it? - I kept the receipt.
March 2009.
- I'm glad you did, I love these old receipts.
The ink threads back then were much more stable, look.
(locker slamming)
- That's my favourite paper too.
Great horoscopes.
I'm always hoping mine will say,
you've got the kids for the whole half term.
(chuckling) Cheerio!
Oh I do, I love interacting with the public.
- I'm not sure about interacting with this one.
- Hey, I'm not public, I'm a friend.
- Awww.
- Funny thing friendship, isn't it?
You know I had a friend at school,
Gary Nichols, every day he would give me a dead arm.
Still tender, even now.
What's it all for, eh?
- [Woman On PA] This is a staff announcement.
Could Kieran go to the staff locker
rooms, please. - Oh, what now?
- See ya, friend.
- Then, I thought I'd try one of them electric toothbrushes,
oh, my goodness, it's like brushing your teeth
with a bumble bee.
So then I tried--
- You all right on there, Margaret?
- Oh I'm fine thanks, Andy.
I've just served somebody that pate
that looks a bit like sick.
- Hello there, Margaret, lovely day.
- Oh, not for me, Vic, it's not.
It's my unlucky day.
You might as well just call me unlucky day Margaret.
- I tell you the unluckiest day I ever had.
It was when I was stationed out in Egypt.
- Can I help you my love?
- Oh don't you worry, Andy, I'll get this.
How can I help you, love?
- Where was I?
- You were saying you had to get off home. (laughter)
- You're a funny Charlie, Andy, you really are.
Now then, Egypt.
Oh, talk about a lot of sand.
- You know, this seems like it might be, oh,
what's the word, illegal?
- Just take your top off.
Who knows what you've got stuck under there.
- Ring the bells!
Lorraine, you're going to get us both into boiling hot water here.
And this really isn't doing my tummy ache any good either.
- Oh for the love of God, Gavin, I've known bigger balls on a church mouse.
Go on, hotshot, empty your pockets.
- I think this has gone far enough.
We're all going to end up in Alcatraz at this rate.
Kieran I'm really sorry.
Please, please don't take any offence.
- Some taken.
- I don't know how you've done this in the past,
Lorraine, but as a general rule,
branch managers are not allowed to disrobe members of staff.
- We'll see about that. I've only just got started.
(inhaling obnoxiously)
- And your receipt, thank you.
- Have you heard about the locker searches?
- Yeah, like there's anything in this place worth nicking.
- Hey, I bet they find all kinds of weird shit
in people's pockets.
- Yeah, I can imagine.
Embarrassing stuff.
- Yeah, the type of stuff you'd have a really hard time explaining.
(laughter)
- Ooh, what's the joke?
I do love a good joke!
- Could you mind looking after the kiosk a sec, Neville?
There's something that we need to take care of.
- Ahh, good old jokes.
- He won't stop banging on, boring everyone to death.
You don't see me yakking all day.
- Daft old codger.
What you should do is tell Vic that Lorraine
doesn't want him hanging around any more. And that way, you can't be blamed.
- Oh, you big bloody genius.
- Yeah, all right, steady on.
- Sorry about that, Neville. Any problems?
- No, no, not at all.
Although a customer did point out my flies were open.
Bit embarrassing.
- Andy's about to do something much more embarrassing than that.
(laughter)
(cellphone ringing)
Stu?
How is your toyboy?
- He's not me toyboy!
Besides, what's wrong with looking young?
Just cos you wear slippers, don't mean we all have to.
- I don't wear slippers!
Except when I'm smoking my pipe.
- He does get asked for ID at the pub actually.
- Well we can't all be grown ups like me.
- Oh yeah, how is the house hunting going?
- Don't ask.
So you seeing him later?
- He wants to go see a film, but I can't be arsed.
- When did girls stop liking films?
- I've seen him every night this week.
And, of course girls like films, you idiot.
- Emma doesn't.
- Oh.
- I like going to the cinema.
I can't afford to see any films these days,
but it's nice just looking at the posters.
Being warm.
- [Woman On PA] This is a staff announcement.
Could Andy go to the staff locker rooms please?
- Like maybe do like a little dance with it, or something.
- This is a breach of my human rights.
Gandhi would have a fit if he could see this.
- Gandhi's not here, and if he were, I'd search him and all.
Dirty beggar.
Now empty your pockets.
- Lorraine, Andy is one of our longest
serving members of staff.
He's not going to destroy a glorious career
just to pinch a few pork pies.
- No, no, no, let the little commandant
have her game, Gavin.
I have got nothing to hide.
That is not mine, I swear.
- Like to carry around a photo of me with you, do you?
- That's from the staff gallery!
Andy, that's, that's high grade gloss from Snappy Snaps.
It's creased!
Are those?
Are those women's underpants?
- I do not carry around a photograph of you,
or these lacy knickers.
- It looks like your Valco family
is full of perverts as well as thieves.
- Sorry to interrupt, but there's something I--
- Out!
- Just calm down, right!
Now obviously Andy hasn't stolen anything,
it's just a bit of harmless high jinx amongst the staff.
- High jinx?
I tell you, Gavin.
You are beginning to get my goat.
- Am I?
Well maybe I've got a goat too.
And I think maybe you're getting mine.
- [Woman On PA] Could Colin go to the locker rooms please?
- But that's what I'm saying, Margaret.
You didn't get searched, so that's actually quite lucky.
- I suppose you're right.
- So, basically, nothing unlucky's happened, has it?
I think your curse may have finally gone away.
- Oh do you think so?
Oh after all these years!
Freedom at last!
- Two words.
Really immature.
- Don't know what you're talking about, mate.
- You can't keep setting me up like that, people will think I'm a weirdo.
- All right keep your knickers on. (laughter)
- You're pathetic, the pair of you.
- I'm sorry, Andy, I don't mean to laugh but.
(laughter)
- Have you seen how many apples
there are in the fruit counter?
In my day you just had your Granny Smiths,
your Coxes, and your cookers.
- Listen Vic.
I'm sorry to say it, but the boss says you can't hang around here any more.
You're disturbing the staff.
- Oh.
Oh dear.
Guess when you're my age,
you tend to get in everybody's way.
- Don't feel bad.
Maybe we could go for a drink sometime?
- Well that went well. - Shut your hole.
- If you're going to search my arse,
you'd better have a strong pair of gloves.
- Listen, I'm sorry, I'm really sorry about this, Colin.
I know that you wouldn't dream of stealing Valco product--
- Gavin, are you kidding me?
Thieving little shites like him have been getting away with blue murder.
- I have to stop you there Lorraine.
I'm going to have to put my foot on the brakes here, I really am.
- So, can I get off?
- No. - Yes.
Thank you, Colin, that'll be all.
- Gavin.
I am manager here.
- Yes, well.
I am area manager here.
And the whole of the north west.
Including the Pennines.
- If you've got something to say to me,
come on, spit it out.
- I will spit it out.
I am beginning to doubt your your suitability as a manager.
- Are you bleeding serious?
- I'm as serious as a disease.
Now the No Nonsense push was a disaster, and you fired loyal members of staff
without due process, and you bullied your deputy.
No, I'm sorry, Lorraine, no, you're a thorn in Valco's paw.
- All right?
- You just get searched, yeah?
- I had a Twix down me knickers.
Saved half for you if you want it?
- Do you know that baker twat from earlier?
- Mmm.
- Are you shagging him? - Shagging him?
- Yeah. - Who do you think I am?
- Oh, okay.
Nah, it's just I was being a bit of a dick.
- It's just handjobs.
- You what?
- What does it matter? It's not like I'm your girlfriend is it?
Oh God, did you think I was your girlfriend?
When did I ever give you that impression? When we were nobbing.
- Oh you should listen to yourself,
you sound like something out of a frigging Disney film.
- Have you finished? - Yeah, I have.
I've finished with you, you pansy.
- Oh that's fantastic work, Leighton.
Really, just tip-top presentation.
Makes me feel like I want to buy every single item.
- I've always wondered, how much would it cost
to buy everything in Valco?
- That's a very good question, I've often wondered that myself.
If I was to hazard a guess.
- Hello Lorraine. - Don't hello me.
If I'd had my way you'd be signing on right no,
if you knew how to use a pen that is.
- Well, at this rate, you might be joining him.
- Will you get off your high horse!
- I'm not on a high horse!
Can we keep it down, the customers might hear.
- Good!
Maybe they'll wake up and realise that this place is a dump!
- Enemy engaged at two o'clock!
- You what?
- Major skirmish at two o'clock!
- It's half past four.
- Just come and see this.
- And I'll tell you another thing!
Your Valco family is just a big heap of shite.
- Lorraine, if this was a frozen pond,
you'd be treading on very thin ice right now.
- The staff don't know their mouths from their arses
and the deputy is stark raving mad!
- This might be the wrong time, but I found a courgette in the aubergines.
- And you are a big part of the problem, you lanky muppet.
- Now hang on a minute,
Leighton is one of our hardest working members of staff.
- Nobody works hard in this place!
This whole shed's nothing but a shit load of lazy bastards.
Just look at them all.
A pervert butcher with mince for brains.
- Oi!
- That is an outrageous thing to say!
If there was a hit parade for butchers,
Andy would be in the top ten!
- You would. - Ha!
A till girl, who scares the shoppers off.
- Lisa has the grace of a swan!
- And there's your tea leaf.
Pockets bulging with nicked property.
Oh, and you are too scared to do anything about it.
Colin is more trustworthy than Mitsubishi!
Now, if you don't like our Valco family,
I've a very strong suggestion as to what you should do.
- Have you?
Well, let me hear it!
(heavy breathing)
- You can tender your resignation
at Head Office in occurrence with policy 54a to 56d,
and I shall follow it up with a phone call to them in the morning.
(panting)
Now, I think you know how to head
through the front doors without them jamming.
- Fine.
Consider me disowning every single one
of your sodding Valco family.
(squeaking)
And I'll tell you how you could fix your darling deputy,
Julie, rather than mollycoddling her like some wounded bird,
you should bend her over the tills
and give her a bloody good seeing to!
- We'd like to announce to our customers,
that Lorraine Chain has stepped down as store manager.
- [Both] Thank you for working at Valco!
(laughter)
(crowd cheering)
♫ For he's a jolly good fellow
♫ For he's a jolly good - Andy!
Andy, mind my lower lumbers!
- Oh sorry, sorry.
- I'm very sorry that you, you all had to witness that.
She really was rather frightening, wasn't she?
I'll you what though, I think my tummy ache's gone.
(laughter)
I know, I know, where did it come from?
(chuckling)
- Bless me, I've never seen so many fireworks.
- Mark it down in your diaries.
The 14th is the day brave St. Gavin
finally defeated the dragon.
- The 14th?
Well, that's why nothing unlucky has happened!
Well, the 15th is my unlucky day.
Oh stone the crows,
I'll have to go through all this again tomorrow.
- So will we!
- Hey, that was a right old barney.
I was just on my way out when I heard all the commotion.
Well now she's gone we can talk all we want.
How about we celebrate with that drink you mentioned, Andy?
- A drink, tonight?
- You did say you'd take me for a drink.
- It's true, you did say.
- But, but I'm doing the pub quiz tonight.
- Good show!
I love a pub quiz, I usually know all the answers.
I'll see you outside then, Andy.
- Have a good one, mate.
- Best day at work ever, top five?
- I actually thought Lorraine was going to knock Gavin's head off.
- If you weren't off to the cinema with Peter Pan,
I'd suggest a celebratory pint.
- I blew him out.
Said I don't like films.
- Oh, right, so?
- Fancy a pint?
- Yeah, yeah I do.
(medium tempo music)
- Here we are, then.