1 00:00:01,550 --> 00:00:03,651 - Could you stop that now? - If you can get it anywhere cheaper, 2 00:00:03,651 --> 00:00:06,070 I'll come round and cook it meself. - Red hot deals. 3 00:00:06,170 --> 00:00:08,523 - We've got offers on everything, from booze to biscuits. 4 00:00:08,623 --> 00:00:10,830 - Loads of two for ones. - Service with a smile. 5 00:00:10,930 --> 00:00:12,061 (laughter) 6 00:00:12,161 --> 00:00:14,037 - [Woman] We have fresh produce. - Grown locally. 7 00:00:14,037 --> 00:00:15,824 - Don't forget the Valco tick. - That way. 8 00:00:15,924 --> 00:00:16,757 - Am I getting paid for this? 9 00:00:16,757 --> 00:00:17,682 - Valco. - I wasn't ready. 10 00:00:17,782 --> 00:00:18,726 - Oh, weren't you ready? (laughter) 11 00:00:18,726 --> 00:00:20,882 - Valco serves you right. 12 00:00:20,982 --> 00:00:23,595 - [All] Valco serves you right. 13 00:00:23,695 --> 00:00:26,620 (supermarket trolley jangling) 14 00:00:26,720 --> 00:00:31,189 (customers faintly chattering) 15 00:00:31,289 --> 00:00:34,872 (scanners faintly beeping) 16 00:00:43,163 --> 00:00:44,478 (yawning) 17 00:00:44,578 --> 00:00:45,818 - Oh for God's sake! 18 00:00:45,918 --> 00:00:46,651 Late night? 19 00:00:46,751 --> 00:00:48,863 - Oh, only a Blu-ray marathon. 20 00:00:48,963 --> 00:00:52,007 Get this, Predator, Predator 2, 21 00:00:52,107 --> 00:00:55,773 Alien vs. Predator, and then Predators. 22 00:00:55,873 --> 00:00:56,794 - Living the dream. 23 00:00:56,894 --> 00:00:59,390 - It certainly gave me some dreams. About Predators. 24 00:00:59,490 --> 00:01:00,833 You should try it. 25 00:01:00,933 --> 00:01:02,701 - Yeah, I'm not sure Emma would be up for that somehow. 26 00:01:02,701 --> 00:01:04,010 - Oh, I guess she prefers films 27 00:01:04,110 --> 00:01:08,080 where Jennifer Aniston gets married. - She just don't like films. 28 00:01:08,180 --> 00:01:09,990 I caught her checking her phone during Batman. 29 00:01:09,990 --> 00:01:10,883 - Oh! 30 00:01:10,983 --> 00:01:13,699 Checking her phone? During The Dark Knight Rises? 31 00:01:13,799 --> 00:01:16,966 Bloody hell, I hope she's a good shag. 32 00:01:27,779 --> 00:01:29,635 (sighing) 33 00:01:29,735 --> 00:01:31,476 - Morning, Margaret. Everything all right? 34 00:01:31,476 --> 00:01:33,180 - Oh, hang on to your hat, Kieron, 35 00:01:33,280 --> 00:01:34,885 all sorts is about to happen. 36 00:01:34,985 --> 00:01:36,795 - Ooh, sounds ominous. 37 00:01:36,895 --> 00:01:38,152 - It is omnibus. 38 00:01:38,252 --> 00:01:39,567 It's my annual unlucky day, 39 00:01:39,667 --> 00:01:41,848 when everything always goes up the spout. 40 00:01:41,948 --> 00:01:43,544 - Your annual unlucky day? 41 00:01:43,644 --> 00:01:46,589 Why, what happened last year? - Oh don't ask. 42 00:01:46,689 --> 00:01:47,853 - All right, I won't. 43 00:01:47,953 --> 00:01:49,120 - I burnt Alan's breakfast 44 00:01:49,220 --> 00:01:52,220 and then I dropped a carriage clock. 45 00:01:53,634 --> 00:01:55,884 (groaning) 46 00:02:03,261 --> 00:02:04,911 - Good morning, Lorraine! 47 00:02:05,011 --> 00:02:06,557 - Good morning, Gavin. 48 00:02:06,657 --> 00:02:08,239 Full of energy as usual. 49 00:02:08,339 --> 00:02:11,936 Like one of them Duracell rabbits banging his cymbals. 50 00:02:12,036 --> 00:02:13,453 - I've said it before and I'll say it again. 51 00:02:13,453 --> 00:02:15,014 Cod liver oil tablets. 52 00:02:15,114 --> 00:02:16,609 - I don't believe in any of that shite. 53 00:02:16,609 --> 00:02:19,338 The only supplements I take are salt and pepper. 54 00:02:19,438 --> 00:02:22,129 - Speaking of flavourings, the sales figures 55 00:02:22,229 --> 00:02:24,976 for the No Nonsense range could use a little spicing up. 56 00:02:25,076 --> 00:02:26,778 - They'll pick up, Gavin. 57 00:02:26,878 --> 00:02:29,436 The bastards round here just don't know what's good for them. 58 00:02:29,436 --> 00:02:30,980 - No Nonsense Range Sausage Dinner 59 00:02:31,080 --> 00:02:33,137 certainly isn't good for them. I tried one last night. 60 00:02:33,137 --> 00:02:35,732 Gave me a very unwanted tummy ache. 61 00:02:35,832 --> 00:02:37,774 - Would you mind telling me why you're here? 62 00:02:37,874 --> 00:02:39,832 - I'll tell you why I'm here, Lorraine. 63 00:02:39,932 --> 00:02:42,077 It pains me to say it, but this branch of Valco 64 00:02:42,177 --> 00:02:44,532 has become something of a wounded lion. 65 00:02:44,632 --> 00:02:47,072 - Maybe that's because I got saddled 66 00:02:47,172 --> 00:02:48,709 with loony Julie for a deputy. 67 00:02:48,809 --> 00:02:51,847 - Yes, well you were really rather hard on her. 68 00:02:51,947 --> 00:02:53,341 - And as a result, I have decided 69 00:02:53,341 --> 00:02:56,409 to spend a bit more time here, keep an eye on things. 70 00:02:56,509 --> 00:02:58,784 - Well, you're more than welcome to cast your eyes 71 00:02:58,884 --> 00:03:01,557 on those stock figures because they don't add up. 72 00:03:01,657 --> 00:03:05,077 It is as clear as nun's piss the staff are on the take. 73 00:03:05,177 --> 00:03:06,988 - On the take? 74 00:03:07,088 --> 00:03:09,092 - No, every store has a bit of stock going AWOL, 75 00:03:09,192 --> 00:03:11,114 it's part of life's mysteries. 76 00:03:11,214 --> 00:03:14,140 - The only mystery is why you didn't do anything about it. 77 00:03:14,240 --> 00:03:16,240 Which I fully intend to. 78 00:03:17,144 --> 00:03:17,977 Today. 79 00:03:19,710 --> 00:03:23,747 - Well what are you suggesting? Making everyone turn out their pockets? 80 00:03:23,847 --> 00:03:25,506 - We are perfectly entitled, 81 00:03:25,606 --> 00:03:27,487 I checked the rule book in the khazi. 82 00:03:27,587 --> 00:03:29,388 All we need is two members of staff. 83 00:03:29,488 --> 00:03:30,321 One, two. 84 00:03:31,341 --> 00:03:32,758 - Flames on fire. 85 00:03:39,021 --> 00:03:40,550 - Sorry mate, can't give you a refund. 86 00:03:40,550 --> 00:03:43,517 You've already written happy birthday Terry in it. 87 00:03:43,617 --> 00:03:46,729 Geez, you don't have to be mad to work here but it helps. 88 00:03:46,829 --> 00:03:48,197 - Didn't help Julie, did it? 89 00:03:48,297 --> 00:03:51,540 - Ahh, let's not talk about her behind her back. 90 00:03:51,640 --> 00:03:53,959 So has she completely lost her marbles? - That's what I heard. 91 00:03:53,959 --> 00:03:55,167 Just gone mad. 92 00:03:55,267 --> 00:03:57,788 I tell you what, me Uncle Pete went mad once in a pub. 93 00:03:57,888 --> 00:03:59,435 - Really, what happened to him? 94 00:03:59,535 --> 00:04:02,811 - Landlord just gave him a good kicking. He were fine after that. 95 00:04:03,847 --> 00:04:05,581 Is this your boyfriend, Katie? 96 00:04:05,681 --> 00:04:07,989 Bloody hell, what nursery did you steal him from? 97 00:04:08,089 --> 00:04:09,002 - Yeah, this is Stu. 98 00:04:09,102 --> 00:04:10,099 - Hi, y'alright? 99 00:04:10,199 --> 00:04:10,932 - Hiya. 100 00:04:11,032 --> 00:04:13,341 - God, I had a job in customer services once. 101 00:04:13,441 --> 00:04:15,685 Hard plastering a smile on your face all day, isn't it? 102 00:04:15,785 --> 00:04:17,037 - Yeah, we don't tend to bother. 103 00:04:17,137 --> 00:04:19,454 - So the shaving foam's over there. Do you mind if I leave you to it? 104 00:04:19,454 --> 00:04:20,654 I'd better go to the kiosk. 105 00:04:20,754 --> 00:04:22,940 - You don't need to start shaving yet do you? 106 00:04:23,040 --> 00:04:24,403 Wait til you're old enough. 107 00:04:24,503 --> 00:04:26,779 - Oh leave him alone, Sue. 108 00:04:26,879 --> 00:04:27,712 - Oh. - Oh. 109 00:04:29,106 --> 00:04:30,354 - So I'll see you later then? 110 00:04:30,454 --> 00:04:31,354 - Cool beans. 111 00:04:31,454 --> 00:04:33,121 - Yeah, cool, beans. 112 00:04:34,651 --> 00:04:36,697 - Aww, puppy love. 113 00:04:36,797 --> 00:04:38,972 - I've seen happier puppies in the RSPCA adverts. 114 00:04:39,072 --> 00:04:41,417 (laughter) 115 00:04:41,517 --> 00:04:43,683 - And there's the risk of lawsuits. 116 00:04:43,783 --> 00:04:45,573 The paperwork, it could be 12 foot high. 117 00:04:45,673 --> 00:04:47,301 - You're too soft round the ears, Gavin. 118 00:04:47,301 --> 00:04:50,317 We have to be firm with staff, not tickle their arseholes. 119 00:04:50,417 --> 00:04:53,647 - You know, Lorraine, you really should watch your language on the shop floor. 120 00:04:53,647 --> 00:04:57,397 People will think they're on a building site. 121 00:04:58,529 --> 00:04:59,612 - Well, gosh. 122 00:05:01,829 --> 00:05:03,996 I'd better bite my tongue. 123 00:05:06,068 --> 00:05:07,651 Oi you, you lummox. 124 00:05:09,703 --> 00:05:11,844 You're not at the Early Learning Centre now. 125 00:05:11,944 --> 00:05:13,573 Plonk those down and follow us. 126 00:05:13,673 --> 00:05:15,821 - [Leighton] Where are we going? 127 00:05:15,921 --> 00:05:17,956 - Well, I'm going to crack a few heads today 128 00:05:18,056 --> 00:05:20,825 and I might as well start with yours. 129 00:05:20,925 --> 00:05:23,945 Not that I'm expecting to find anything inside it. 130 00:05:24,045 --> 00:05:26,693 - Don't worry Leighton, it's just a routine check, that's all. 131 00:05:26,793 --> 00:05:28,045 - Is it about the nits? 132 00:05:28,145 --> 00:05:29,188 I promise I haven't got nits. 133 00:05:29,188 --> 00:05:31,017 I even wash my hair in vinegar just to make sure. 134 00:05:31,017 --> 00:05:31,908 - Don't worry. 135 00:05:32,008 --> 00:05:35,813 - Oh and Leighton, between you and me, never plonk, always place. 136 00:05:35,913 --> 00:05:38,663 - Oh yeah, just like you told me. 137 00:05:39,754 --> 00:05:41,547 - Morning Victor, how are we today? 138 00:05:41,647 --> 00:05:43,914 - Oh, not three bad. 139 00:05:44,014 --> 00:05:45,076 Lovely day. 140 00:05:45,176 --> 00:05:47,772 - Yes, yes, nice not to have rain for a change. 141 00:05:47,872 --> 00:05:49,004 - Oh yes. 142 00:05:49,104 --> 00:05:50,928 I'm not a fan of rain, Andy. 143 00:05:51,028 --> 00:05:54,029 Have I ever told you about my days as a prisoner of war? 144 00:05:54,129 --> 00:05:55,670 - Yes, yes, you have, yeah. 145 00:05:55,770 --> 00:05:56,994 It rained every day. 146 00:05:57,094 --> 00:05:57,885 - Every day. 147 00:05:57,985 --> 00:05:59,254 - For 300 days. 148 00:05:59,354 --> 00:06:00,417 Yeah you did mention it. 149 00:06:00,517 --> 00:06:02,032 Bit busy at the moment, mate. 150 00:06:02,132 --> 00:06:04,111 - Well, that's it, I mean if you'd ever seen action, 151 00:06:04,211 --> 00:06:05,507 Andy, you'd understand. 152 00:06:05,607 --> 00:06:06,992 - Oh, I've seen action, mate. 153 00:06:07,092 --> 00:06:07,990 - I didn't know that. 154 00:06:08,090 --> 00:06:10,460 What was it, Falklands, was it? 155 00:06:10,560 --> 00:06:11,938 - St Helens, 1998. 156 00:06:12,038 --> 00:06:14,578 Me and Sonic Ken trapped in a bunker. 157 00:06:14,678 --> 00:06:16,910 Took a paintball right to the ear. 158 00:06:17,010 --> 00:06:18,603 - Yeah, that sounds just like World War II. 159 00:06:18,603 --> 00:06:20,472 - I'm not sure a paintball's the same 160 00:06:20,572 --> 00:06:23,147 as the real fog of war, Andy. 161 00:06:23,247 --> 00:06:25,234 - I've experienced the fog of war. 162 00:06:25,334 --> 00:06:29,501 Me goggles misted up, I nearly ran to the wrong base. 163 00:06:31,342 --> 00:06:34,541 - So, this is the Batcave, is it? 164 00:06:34,641 --> 00:06:37,377 - I prefer to call it Leighton's Locker. - Well, I think we can presume 165 00:06:37,377 --> 00:06:39,336 that none of this has come off the shop floor. 166 00:06:39,436 --> 00:06:41,453 - Actually, Gavin, some of it has come off the shop floor. 167 00:06:41,453 --> 00:06:42,569 - Told you so. 168 00:06:42,669 --> 00:06:44,172 Shine a bright light on a rat 169 00:06:44,272 --> 00:06:46,397 and he'll soon start squealing. 170 00:06:46,497 --> 00:06:48,451 - This tangerine net came off the shop floor. 171 00:06:48,551 --> 00:06:49,605 And I was going to put it in the bin 172 00:06:49,605 --> 00:06:53,688 but it's perfect for my collection of powerballs. 173 00:06:54,545 --> 00:06:55,602 - What's that at the back? 174 00:06:55,702 --> 00:06:56,720 (evil chuckle) 175 00:06:56,820 --> 00:06:58,377 That is a Valco tin. 176 00:06:58,477 --> 00:07:01,528 - This is the last tin of Spaghetti Faces. 177 00:07:01,628 --> 00:07:02,688 It's a collector's item. 178 00:07:02,788 --> 00:07:04,538 - Ha, well I never. 179 00:07:04,638 --> 00:07:07,518 I haven't seen one of these for three years. 180 00:07:07,618 --> 00:07:09,867 - How do we know you didn't pinch it? - I kept the receipt. 181 00:07:09,867 --> 00:07:10,941 March 2009. 182 00:07:11,041 --> 00:07:13,471 - I'm glad you did, I love these old receipts. 183 00:07:13,571 --> 00:07:16,087 The ink threads back then were much more stable, look. 184 00:07:16,187 --> 00:07:18,715 (locker slamming) 185 00:07:18,815 --> 00:07:21,131 - That's my favourite paper too. 186 00:07:21,231 --> 00:07:22,556 Great horoscopes. 187 00:07:22,656 --> 00:07:24,590 I'm always hoping mine will say, 188 00:07:24,690 --> 00:07:27,449 you've got the kids for the whole half term. 189 00:07:27,549 --> 00:07:29,381 (chuckling) Cheerio! 190 00:07:29,481 --> 00:07:32,330 Oh I do, I love interacting with the public. 191 00:07:32,430 --> 00:07:34,037 - I'm not sure about interacting with this one. 192 00:07:34,037 --> 00:07:36,345 - Hey, I'm not public, I'm a friend. 193 00:07:36,445 --> 00:07:37,387 - Awww. 194 00:07:37,487 --> 00:07:38,938 - Funny thing friendship, isn't it? 195 00:07:39,038 --> 00:07:40,742 You know I had a friend at school, 196 00:07:40,842 --> 00:07:45,183 Gary Nichols, every day he would give me a dead arm. 197 00:07:45,283 --> 00:07:47,870 Still tender, even now. 198 00:07:47,970 --> 00:07:48,823 What's it all for, eh? 199 00:07:48,923 --> 00:07:50,574 - [Woman On PA] This is a staff announcement. 200 00:07:50,574 --> 00:07:51,984 Could Kieran go to the staff locker 201 00:07:51,984 --> 00:07:54,437 rooms, please. - Oh, what now? 202 00:07:54,537 --> 00:07:55,954 - See ya, friend. 203 00:08:00,210 --> 00:08:04,033 - Then, I thought I'd try one of them electric toothbrushes, 204 00:08:04,133 --> 00:08:06,865 oh, my goodness, it's like brushing your teeth 205 00:08:06,965 --> 00:08:08,632 with a bumble bee. 206 00:08:08,732 --> 00:08:10,032 So then I tried-- 207 00:08:10,132 --> 00:08:11,680 - You all right on there, Margaret? 208 00:08:11,780 --> 00:08:13,399 - Oh I'm fine thanks, Andy. 209 00:08:13,499 --> 00:08:15,590 I've just served somebody that pate 210 00:08:15,690 --> 00:08:17,260 that looks a bit like sick. 211 00:08:17,360 --> 00:08:18,844 - Hello there, Margaret, lovely day. 212 00:08:18,944 --> 00:08:20,347 - Oh, not for me, Vic, it's not. 213 00:08:20,447 --> 00:08:22,232 It's my unlucky day. 214 00:08:22,332 --> 00:08:24,759 You might as well just call me unlucky day Margaret. 215 00:08:24,859 --> 00:08:27,985 - I tell you the unluckiest day I ever had. 216 00:08:28,085 --> 00:08:30,514 It was when I was stationed out in Egypt. 217 00:08:30,614 --> 00:08:31,801 - Can I help you my love? 218 00:08:31,901 --> 00:08:34,047 - Oh don't you worry, Andy, I'll get this. 219 00:08:34,147 --> 00:08:35,245 How can I help you, love? 220 00:08:35,345 --> 00:08:36,078 - Where was I? 221 00:08:36,178 --> 00:08:40,236 - You were saying you had to get off home. (laughter) 222 00:08:40,336 --> 00:08:43,858 - You're a funny Charlie, Andy, you really are. 223 00:08:43,958 --> 00:08:45,788 Now then, Egypt. 224 00:08:45,888 --> 00:08:48,305 Oh, talk about a lot of sand. 225 00:08:50,259 --> 00:08:51,741 - You know, this seems like it might be, oh, 226 00:08:51,741 --> 00:08:53,543 what's the word, illegal? 227 00:08:53,643 --> 00:08:54,515 - Just take your top off. 228 00:08:54,515 --> 00:08:56,536 Who knows what you've got stuck under there. 229 00:08:56,636 --> 00:08:58,448 - Ring the bells! 230 00:08:58,548 --> 00:09:01,376 Lorraine, you're going to get us both into boiling hot water here. 231 00:09:01,476 --> 00:09:03,952 And this really isn't doing my tummy ache any good either. 232 00:09:04,052 --> 00:09:08,006 - Oh for the love of God, Gavin, I've known bigger balls on a church mouse. 233 00:09:08,106 --> 00:09:11,023 Go on, hotshot, empty your pockets. 234 00:09:14,211 --> 00:09:16,084 - I think this has gone far enough. 235 00:09:16,184 --> 00:09:18,599 We're all going to end up in Alcatraz at this rate. 236 00:09:18,699 --> 00:09:20,097 Kieran I'm really sorry. 237 00:09:20,197 --> 00:09:23,568 Please, please don't take any offence. 238 00:09:23,668 --> 00:09:24,751 - Some taken. 239 00:09:27,243 --> 00:09:28,540 - I don't know how you've done this in the past, 240 00:09:28,540 --> 00:09:30,072 Lorraine, but as a general rule, 241 00:09:30,172 --> 00:09:32,852 branch managers are not allowed to disrobe members of staff. 242 00:09:32,852 --> 00:09:35,372 - We'll see about that. I've only just got started. 243 00:09:35,472 --> 00:09:38,722 (inhaling obnoxiously) 244 00:09:40,597 --> 00:09:42,078 - And your receipt, thank you. 245 00:09:42,178 --> 00:09:43,628 - Have you heard about the locker searches? 246 00:09:43,628 --> 00:09:46,674 - Yeah, like there's anything in this place worth nicking. 247 00:09:46,774 --> 00:09:48,311 - Hey, I bet they find all kinds of weird shit 248 00:09:48,311 --> 00:09:49,455 in people's pockets. 249 00:09:49,555 --> 00:09:51,335 - Yeah, I can imagine. 250 00:09:51,435 --> 00:09:53,401 Embarrassing stuff. 251 00:09:53,501 --> 00:09:56,441 - Yeah, the type of stuff you'd have a really hard time explaining. 252 00:09:56,541 --> 00:09:57,557 (laughter) 253 00:09:57,657 --> 00:09:59,426 - Ooh, what's the joke? 254 00:09:59,526 --> 00:10:00,602 I do love a good joke! 255 00:10:00,702 --> 00:10:02,511 - Could you mind looking after the kiosk a sec, Neville? 256 00:10:02,511 --> 00:10:07,102 There's something that we need to take care of. 257 00:10:07,202 --> 00:10:09,035 - Ahh, good old jokes. 258 00:10:11,659 --> 00:10:15,992 - He won't stop banging on, boring everyone to death. 259 00:10:16,092 --> 00:10:18,005 You don't see me yakking all day. 260 00:10:18,105 --> 00:10:19,997 - Daft old codger. 261 00:10:20,097 --> 00:10:23,904 What you should do is tell Vic that Lorraine 262 00:10:24,004 --> 00:10:27,160 doesn't want him hanging around any more. And that way, you can't be blamed. 263 00:10:27,260 --> 00:10:28,976 - Oh, you big bloody genius. 264 00:10:29,076 --> 00:10:31,493 - Yeah, all right, steady on. 265 00:10:33,787 --> 00:10:35,767 - Sorry about that, Neville. Any problems? 266 00:10:35,867 --> 00:10:36,953 - No, no, not at all. 267 00:10:37,053 --> 00:10:39,670 Although a customer did point out my flies were open. 268 00:10:39,770 --> 00:10:41,214 Bit embarrassing. 269 00:10:41,314 --> 00:10:43,655 - Andy's about to do something much more embarrassing than that. 270 00:10:43,655 --> 00:10:44,901 (laughter) 271 00:10:45,001 --> 00:10:47,159 (cellphone ringing) 272 00:10:47,259 --> 00:10:48,713 Stu? 273 00:10:48,813 --> 00:10:49,901 How is your toyboy? 274 00:10:50,001 --> 00:10:51,598 - He's not me toyboy! 275 00:10:51,698 --> 00:10:53,668 Besides, what's wrong with looking young? 276 00:10:53,768 --> 00:10:56,753 Just cos you wear slippers, don't mean we all have to. 277 00:10:56,853 --> 00:10:58,413 - I don't wear slippers! 278 00:10:58,513 --> 00:11:00,391 Except when I'm smoking my pipe. 279 00:11:00,491 --> 00:11:02,378 - He does get asked for ID at the pub actually. 280 00:11:02,478 --> 00:11:04,879 - Well we can't all be grown ups like me. 281 00:11:04,979 --> 00:11:07,887 - Oh yeah, how is the house hunting going? 282 00:11:07,987 --> 00:11:08,987 - Don't ask. 283 00:11:10,734 --> 00:11:12,404 So you seeing him later? 284 00:11:12,504 --> 00:11:15,055 - He wants to go see a film, but I can't be arsed. 285 00:11:15,155 --> 00:11:16,798 - When did girls stop liking films? 286 00:11:16,898 --> 00:11:18,721 - I've seen him every night this week. 287 00:11:18,821 --> 00:11:21,131 And, of course girls like films, you idiot. 288 00:11:21,231 --> 00:11:23,182 - Emma doesn't. 289 00:11:23,282 --> 00:11:24,737 - Oh. 290 00:11:24,837 --> 00:11:26,585 - I like going to the cinema. 291 00:11:26,685 --> 00:11:28,512 I can't afford to see any films these days, 292 00:11:28,612 --> 00:11:32,265 but it's nice just looking at the posters. 293 00:11:32,365 --> 00:11:33,282 Being warm. 294 00:11:35,667 --> 00:11:37,494 - [Woman On PA] This is a staff announcement. 295 00:11:37,494 --> 00:11:39,582 Could Andy go to the staff locker rooms please? 296 00:11:39,582 --> 00:11:43,749 - Like maybe do like a little dance with it, or something. 297 00:11:45,707 --> 00:11:47,814 - This is a breach of my human rights. 298 00:11:47,914 --> 00:11:50,278 Gandhi would have a fit if he could see this. 299 00:11:50,378 --> 00:11:52,701 - Gandhi's not here, and if he were, I'd search him and all. 300 00:11:52,801 --> 00:11:54,077 Dirty beggar. 301 00:11:54,177 --> 00:11:56,423 Now empty your pockets. 302 00:11:56,523 --> 00:11:58,455 - Lorraine, Andy is one of our longest 303 00:11:58,555 --> 00:11:59,599 serving members of staff. 304 00:11:59,599 --> 00:12:01,589 He's not going to destroy a glorious career 305 00:12:01,689 --> 00:12:03,249 just to pinch a few pork pies. 306 00:12:03,349 --> 00:12:05,634 - No, no, no, let the little commandant 307 00:12:05,734 --> 00:12:08,034 have her game, Gavin. 308 00:12:08,134 --> 00:12:10,384 I have got nothing to hide. 309 00:12:17,804 --> 00:12:19,971 That is not mine, I swear. 310 00:12:20,813 --> 00:12:25,302 - Like to carry around a photo of me with you, do you? 311 00:12:25,402 --> 00:12:26,712 - That's from the staff gallery! 312 00:12:26,812 --> 00:12:30,970 Andy, that's, that's high grade gloss from Snappy Snaps. 313 00:12:31,070 --> 00:12:32,153 It's creased! 314 00:12:34,776 --> 00:12:35,609 Are those? 315 00:12:37,045 --> 00:12:38,124 Are those women's underpants? 316 00:12:38,124 --> 00:12:39,845 - I do not carry around a photograph of you, 317 00:12:39,845 --> 00:12:42,450 or these lacy knickers. 318 00:12:42,550 --> 00:12:45,043 - It looks like your Valco family 319 00:12:45,143 --> 00:12:48,311 is full of perverts as well as thieves. 320 00:12:48,411 --> 00:12:49,960 - Sorry to interrupt, but there's something I-- 321 00:12:49,960 --> 00:12:50,793 - Out! 322 00:12:52,766 --> 00:12:54,003 - Just calm down, right! 323 00:12:54,103 --> 00:12:55,885 Now obviously Andy hasn't stolen anything, 324 00:12:55,885 --> 00:12:58,262 it's just a bit of harmless high jinx amongst the staff. 325 00:12:58,362 --> 00:12:59,464 - High jinx? 326 00:12:59,564 --> 00:13:00,832 I tell you, Gavin. 327 00:13:00,932 --> 00:13:02,917 You are beginning to get my goat. 328 00:13:03,017 --> 00:13:03,976 - Am I? 329 00:13:04,076 --> 00:13:06,936 Well maybe I've got a goat too. 330 00:13:07,036 --> 00:13:10,239 And I think maybe you're getting mine. 331 00:13:10,339 --> 00:13:13,056 - [Woman On PA] Could Colin go to the locker rooms please? 332 00:13:13,156 --> 00:13:14,624 - But that's what I'm saying, Margaret. 333 00:13:14,624 --> 00:13:16,879 You didn't get searched, so that's actually quite lucky. 334 00:13:16,879 --> 00:13:18,418 - I suppose you're right. 335 00:13:18,518 --> 00:13:20,878 - So, basically, nothing unlucky's happened, has it? 336 00:13:20,978 --> 00:13:22,912 I think your curse may have finally gone away. 337 00:13:22,912 --> 00:13:24,131 - Oh do you think so? 338 00:13:24,231 --> 00:13:25,420 Oh after all these years! 339 00:13:25,520 --> 00:13:26,853 Freedom at last! 340 00:13:27,811 --> 00:13:28,781 - Two words. 341 00:13:28,881 --> 00:13:30,640 Really immature. 342 00:13:30,740 --> 00:13:32,254 - Don't know what you're talking about, mate. 343 00:13:32,254 --> 00:13:35,097 - You can't keep setting me up like that, people will think I'm a weirdo. 344 00:13:35,097 --> 00:13:37,036 - All right keep your knickers on. (laughter) 345 00:13:37,136 --> 00:13:38,826 - You're pathetic, the pair of you. 346 00:13:38,926 --> 00:13:40,757 - I'm sorry, Andy, I don't mean to laugh but. 347 00:13:40,857 --> 00:13:43,107 (laughter) 348 00:13:44,671 --> 00:13:47,008 - Have you seen how many apples 349 00:13:47,108 --> 00:13:48,936 there are in the fruit counter? 350 00:13:49,036 --> 00:13:51,146 In my day you just had your Granny Smiths, 351 00:13:51,246 --> 00:13:52,672 your Coxes, and your cookers. 352 00:13:52,772 --> 00:13:53,505 - Listen Vic. 353 00:13:53,605 --> 00:13:56,594 I'm sorry to say it, but the boss says you can't hang around here any more. 354 00:13:56,694 --> 00:13:57,976 You're disturbing the staff. 355 00:13:58,076 --> 00:13:59,616 - Oh. 356 00:13:59,716 --> 00:14:00,549 Oh dear. 357 00:14:01,482 --> 00:14:02,551 Guess when you're my age, 358 00:14:02,651 --> 00:14:06,260 you tend to get in everybody's way. 359 00:14:06,360 --> 00:14:07,108 - Don't feel bad. 360 00:14:07,208 --> 00:14:11,123 Maybe we could go for a drink sometime? 361 00:14:11,223 --> 00:14:13,610 - Well that went well. - Shut your hole. 362 00:14:15,770 --> 00:14:18,131 - If you're going to search my arse, 363 00:14:18,231 --> 00:14:21,186 you'd better have a strong pair of gloves. 364 00:14:21,286 --> 00:14:23,369 - Listen, I'm sorry, I'm really sorry about this, Colin. 365 00:14:23,369 --> 00:14:25,860 I know that you wouldn't dream of stealing Valco product-- 366 00:14:25,960 --> 00:14:27,597 - Gavin, are you kidding me? 367 00:14:27,697 --> 00:14:31,049 Thieving little shites like him have been getting away with blue murder. 368 00:14:31,149 --> 00:14:33,294 - I have to stop you there Lorraine. 369 00:14:33,394 --> 00:14:37,349 I'm going to have to put my foot on the brakes here, I really am. 370 00:14:37,449 --> 00:14:38,896 - So, can I get off? 371 00:14:38,996 --> 00:14:40,335 - No. - Yes. 372 00:14:40,435 --> 00:14:43,185 Thank you, Colin, that'll be all. 373 00:14:45,646 --> 00:14:47,031 - Gavin. 374 00:14:47,131 --> 00:14:48,631 I am manager here. 375 00:14:51,019 --> 00:14:52,359 - Yes, well. 376 00:14:52,459 --> 00:14:54,376 I am area manager here. 377 00:14:55,859 --> 00:14:57,814 And the whole of the north west. 378 00:14:57,914 --> 00:14:59,253 Including the Pennines. 379 00:14:59,353 --> 00:15:01,000 - If you've got something to say to me, 380 00:15:01,100 --> 00:15:03,144 come on, spit it out. 381 00:15:03,244 --> 00:15:04,847 - I will spit it out. 382 00:15:04,947 --> 00:15:07,270 I am beginning to doubt your your suitability as a manager. 383 00:15:07,270 --> 00:15:08,996 - Are you bleeding serious? 384 00:15:09,096 --> 00:15:10,928 - I'm as serious as a disease. 385 00:15:11,028 --> 00:15:15,832 Now the No Nonsense push was a disaster, and you fired loyal members of staff 386 00:15:15,932 --> 00:15:20,015 without due process, and you bullied your deputy. 387 00:15:20,930 --> 00:15:25,097 No, I'm sorry, Lorraine, no, you're a thorn in Valco's paw. 388 00:15:37,174 --> 00:15:37,907 - All right? 389 00:15:38,007 --> 00:15:40,056 - You just get searched, yeah? 390 00:15:40,156 --> 00:15:42,257 - I had a Twix down me knickers. 391 00:15:42,357 --> 00:15:44,008 Saved half for you if you want it? 392 00:15:44,108 --> 00:15:45,928 - Do you know that baker twat from earlier? 393 00:15:46,028 --> 00:15:46,761 - Mmm. 394 00:15:46,861 --> 00:15:47,890 - Are you shagging him? - Shagging him? 395 00:15:47,890 --> 00:15:50,179 - Yeah. - Who do you think I am? 396 00:15:50,279 --> 00:15:51,196 - Oh, okay. 397 00:15:52,338 --> 00:15:54,331 Nah, it's just I was being a bit of a dick. 398 00:15:54,431 --> 00:15:56,181 - It's just handjobs. 399 00:15:57,448 --> 00:15:58,820 - You what? 400 00:15:58,920 --> 00:16:02,228 - What does it matter? It's not like I'm your girlfriend is it? 401 00:16:02,328 --> 00:16:04,512 Oh God, did you think I was your girlfriend? 402 00:16:04,612 --> 00:16:08,016 When did I ever give you that impression? When we were nobbing. 403 00:16:08,116 --> 00:16:09,460 - Oh you should listen to yourself, 404 00:16:09,460 --> 00:16:11,869 you sound like something out of a frigging Disney film. 405 00:16:11,969 --> 00:16:14,028 - Have you finished? - Yeah, I have. 406 00:16:14,128 --> 00:16:16,961 I've finished with you, you pansy. 407 00:16:24,149 --> 00:16:26,063 - Oh that's fantastic work, Leighton. 408 00:16:26,163 --> 00:16:28,845 Really, just tip-top presentation. 409 00:16:28,945 --> 00:16:32,220 Makes me feel like I want to buy every single item. 410 00:16:32,320 --> 00:16:33,927 - I've always wondered, how much would it cost 411 00:16:33,927 --> 00:16:36,177 to buy everything in Valco? 412 00:16:37,108 --> 00:16:39,516 - That's a very good question, I've often wondered that myself. 413 00:16:39,516 --> 00:16:41,119 If I was to hazard a guess. 414 00:16:41,219 --> 00:16:43,089 - Hello Lorraine. - Don't hello me. 415 00:16:43,189 --> 00:16:45,603 If I'd had my way you'd be signing on right no, 416 00:16:45,703 --> 00:16:48,409 if you knew how to use a pen that is. 417 00:16:48,509 --> 00:16:50,350 - Well, at this rate, you might be joining him. 418 00:16:50,450 --> 00:16:52,263 - Will you get off your high horse! 419 00:16:52,363 --> 00:16:54,544 - I'm not on a high horse! 420 00:16:54,644 --> 00:16:56,533 Can we keep it down, the customers might hear. 421 00:16:56,533 --> 00:16:57,273 - Good! 422 00:16:57,373 --> 00:17:01,540 Maybe they'll wake up and realise that this place is a dump! 423 00:17:03,697 --> 00:17:05,321 - Enemy engaged at two o'clock! 424 00:17:05,421 --> 00:17:06,154 - You what? 425 00:17:06,254 --> 00:17:08,114 - Major skirmish at two o'clock! 426 00:17:08,214 --> 00:17:09,218 - It's half past four. 427 00:17:09,318 --> 00:17:11,113 - Just come and see this. 428 00:17:11,213 --> 00:17:12,745 - And I'll tell you another thing! 429 00:17:12,845 --> 00:17:17,410 Your Valco family is just a big heap of shite. 430 00:17:17,510 --> 00:17:19,633 - Lorraine, if this was a frozen pond, 431 00:17:19,733 --> 00:17:21,424 you'd be treading on very thin ice right now. 432 00:17:21,424 --> 00:17:24,156 - The staff don't know their mouths from their arses 433 00:17:24,256 --> 00:17:27,019 and the deputy is stark raving mad! 434 00:17:27,119 --> 00:17:29,795 - This might be the wrong time, but I found a courgette in the aubergines. 435 00:17:29,795 --> 00:17:32,979 - And you are a big part of the problem, you lanky muppet. 436 00:17:33,079 --> 00:17:34,075 - Now hang on a minute, 437 00:17:34,075 --> 00:17:36,544 Leighton is one of our hardest working members of staff. 438 00:17:36,644 --> 00:17:40,117 - Nobody works hard in this place! 439 00:17:40,217 --> 00:17:43,864 This whole shed's nothing but a shit load of lazy bastards. 440 00:17:43,964 --> 00:17:45,969 Just look at them all. 441 00:17:46,069 --> 00:17:49,049 A pervert butcher with mince for brains. 442 00:17:49,149 --> 00:17:49,882 - Oi! 443 00:17:49,982 --> 00:17:52,466 - That is an outrageous thing to say! 444 00:17:52,566 --> 00:17:54,338 If there was a hit parade for butchers, 445 00:17:54,438 --> 00:17:56,222 Andy would be in the top ten! 446 00:17:56,322 --> 00:17:57,588 - You would. - Ha! 447 00:17:57,688 --> 00:18:00,640 A till girl, who scares the shoppers off. 448 00:18:00,740 --> 00:18:03,323 - Lisa has the grace of a swan! 449 00:18:05,528 --> 00:18:06,646 - And there's your tea leaf. 450 00:18:06,746 --> 00:18:09,657 Pockets bulging with nicked property. 451 00:18:09,757 --> 00:18:13,216 Oh, and you are too scared to do anything about it. 452 00:18:13,316 --> 00:18:16,048 Colin is more trustworthy than Mitsubishi! 453 00:18:16,148 --> 00:18:18,206 Now, if you don't like our Valco family, 454 00:18:18,306 --> 00:18:21,748 I've a very strong suggestion as to what you should do. 455 00:18:21,848 --> 00:18:22,765 - Have you? 456 00:18:23,938 --> 00:18:25,688 Well, let me hear it! 457 00:18:29,257 --> 00:18:30,915 (heavy breathing) 458 00:18:31,015 --> 00:18:32,403 - You can tender your resignation 459 00:18:32,403 --> 00:18:35,808 at Head Office in occurrence with policy 54a to 56d, 460 00:18:35,908 --> 00:18:38,287 and I shall follow it up with a phone call to them in the morning. 461 00:18:38,287 --> 00:18:40,252 (panting) 462 00:18:40,352 --> 00:18:41,934 Now, I think you know how to head 463 00:18:42,034 --> 00:18:44,035 through the front doors without them jamming. 464 00:18:44,035 --> 00:18:45,377 - Fine. 465 00:18:45,477 --> 00:18:47,978 Consider me disowning every single one 466 00:18:48,078 --> 00:18:50,495 of your sodding Valco family. 467 00:18:51,896 --> 00:18:54,229 (squeaking) 468 00:18:56,692 --> 00:18:59,340 And I'll tell you how you could fix your darling deputy, 469 00:18:59,440 --> 00:19:03,372 Julie, rather than mollycoddling her like some wounded bird, 470 00:19:03,472 --> 00:19:05,242 you should bend her over the tills 471 00:19:05,342 --> 00:19:08,425 and give her a bloody good seeing to! 472 00:19:12,695 --> 00:19:14,398 - We'd like to announce to our customers, 473 00:19:14,398 --> 00:19:18,470 that Lorraine Chain has stepped down as store manager. 474 00:19:18,570 --> 00:19:21,016 - [Both] Thank you for working at Valco! 475 00:19:21,116 --> 00:19:22,548 (laughter) 476 00:19:22,648 --> 00:19:24,577 (crowd cheering) 477 00:19:24,677 --> 00:19:26,518 ♫ For he's a jolly good fellow 478 00:19:26,618 --> 00:19:28,901 ♫ For he's a jolly good fellow 479 00:19:29,001 --> 00:19:30,517 ♫ For he's a jolly good - Andy! 480 00:19:30,617 --> 00:19:32,670 Andy, mind my lower lumbers! 481 00:19:32,770 --> 00:19:34,270 - Oh sorry, sorry. 482 00:19:35,369 --> 00:19:39,294 - I'm very sorry that you, you all had to witness that. 483 00:19:39,394 --> 00:19:41,944 She really was rather frightening, wasn't she? 484 00:19:42,044 --> 00:19:44,369 I'll you what though, I think my tummy ache's gone. 485 00:19:44,469 --> 00:19:47,151 (laughter) 486 00:19:47,251 --> 00:19:50,501 I know, I know, where did it come from? 487 00:19:51,560 --> 00:19:53,893 (chuckling) 488 00:20:02,516 --> 00:20:05,208 - Bless me, I've never seen so many fireworks. 489 00:20:05,308 --> 00:20:06,888 - Mark it down in your diaries. 490 00:20:06,988 --> 00:20:09,566 The 14th is the day brave St. Gavin 491 00:20:09,666 --> 00:20:11,354 finally defeated the dragon. 492 00:20:11,454 --> 00:20:13,094 - The 14th? 493 00:20:13,194 --> 00:20:15,722 Well, that's why nothing unlucky has happened! 494 00:20:15,822 --> 00:20:18,543 Well, the 15th is my unlucky day. 495 00:20:18,643 --> 00:20:20,807 Oh stone the crows, 496 00:20:20,907 --> 00:20:23,046 I'll have to go through all this again tomorrow. 497 00:20:23,146 --> 00:20:24,102 - So will we! 498 00:20:24,202 --> 00:20:27,123 - Hey, that was a right old barney. 499 00:20:27,223 --> 00:20:30,073 I was just on my way out when I heard all the commotion. 500 00:20:30,173 --> 00:20:34,336 Well now she's gone we can talk all we want. 501 00:20:34,436 --> 00:20:37,781 How about we celebrate with that drink you mentioned, Andy? 502 00:20:37,881 --> 00:20:38,958 - A drink, tonight? 503 00:20:39,058 --> 00:20:40,782 - You did say you'd take me for a drink. 504 00:20:40,882 --> 00:20:42,149 - It's true, you did say. 505 00:20:42,249 --> 00:20:44,271 - But, but I'm doing the pub quiz tonight. 506 00:20:44,371 --> 00:20:45,640 - Good show! 507 00:20:45,740 --> 00:20:49,889 I love a pub quiz, I usually know all the answers. 508 00:20:49,989 --> 00:20:53,323 I'll see you outside then, Andy. 509 00:20:53,423 --> 00:20:55,423 - Have a good one, mate. 510 00:21:07,010 --> 00:21:08,726 - Best day at work ever, top five? 511 00:21:08,826 --> 00:21:11,228 - I actually thought Lorraine was going to knock Gavin's head off. 512 00:21:11,228 --> 00:21:12,860 - If you weren't off to the cinema with Peter Pan, 513 00:21:12,860 --> 00:21:14,392 I'd suggest a celebratory pint. 514 00:21:14,492 --> 00:21:15,576 - I blew him out. 515 00:21:15,676 --> 00:21:17,040 Said I don't like films. 516 00:21:17,140 --> 00:21:17,873 - Oh, right, so? 517 00:21:17,973 --> 00:21:18,729 - Fancy a pint? 518 00:21:18,829 --> 00:21:20,752 - Yeah, yeah I do. 519 00:21:20,852 --> 00:21:23,935 (medium tempo music) 520 00:21:32,858 --> 00:21:34,525 - Here we are, then.