(laugh)
- You can stop that now. - If you can get it anywhere cheaper,
I'll come round and cook it myself. - Red hot deals.
- Offers on everything from booze to biscuits.
- Loads of two-for-ones.
- Service with a smile. (laughs)
- We have fresh produce.
- Delivered daily.
- Don't forget the Valco tick. - That way.
- Am I getting paid for this?
- Valco! - I wasn't ready.
- Why weren't you ready? (laughs)
- Valco serves you right!
- [Group] Valco serves you right!
- [Martin On Speaker] So you're sure you're on
top of everything, Gavin?
- [Gavin] Yes, yes, no problem at all, Martin.
- [Martin On Speaker] And covering for Lorraine and July
isn't going to affect your area manager role?
- No, no, not at all, my balls might be up in the air
but I'm a very proficient juggler.
- [Martin On Speaker] When are you going to find a replacement for Lorraine?
(Gavin yelps)
Gavin?
- Not yet, sorry, sorry, sorry Martin, yes.
Well, the Warrington regiment is
somewhat in disarray but nothing but
a bit of spit and polish can't sort out,
and then when the trops are back to combat readiness,
and I shall load up the cannon
and I'll, I'll ...
I'll advertise the position both internally and externally
as per Valco policy.
- [Martin On Speaker] Right, well if you're sure.
Keep me in the loop, let me know
if you need anything. - Well actually,
Martin, could you just do me a favour,
I've bought one of these mobile headset thingies,
and if you just-- (dial tone)
Yeah, okay, bye now, yeah, love to Catherine!
(check out machines beep)
- Morning.
- Morning, Nev.
Jesus, what's happened?
- That's a funny story actually.
One of my neighbours punched me.
- That doesn't sound very funny.
- Yes, well I suppose you had to be there,
and it was more the way he did it, you see.
- Did you ask him to turn the music down again?
- No, no, it wasn't that this time.
Not sure what it was about to be honest.
No, his English isn't very good and I didn't want to be accused of being ...
- Just be careful, eh, Nev?
- Oh Katie, you are sweet to worry about me.
Do you know, you remind me a lot of my ex-wife in that way.
Told you about her, haven't I?
- Yes Nev, a lot.
- I still remember the first time we met.
It's, quite ...
(screen beeps)
- Excuse me, love.
I don't mean to be a bother but
do you sell shoe polish? - Hold on a sec.
Well, how was it?
Come on, boy or girl?
I've been so excited all morning, I keep having to go for a piss.
- It's a boy, it's another bloody boy.
- Oh, it's still nice though.
And he'll have three big brothers to look after him.
- I wanted a girl, someone I could go shopping with,
someone I could get rat-arsed with.
- Well, boys don't cry as much do they?
And boys definitely aren't as bitchy. And boys--
- Piss all over the toilet seat,
walk mud on the carpet, and when they're teenagers,
their sheets stick together 'cause they wank all the time.
- Aisle six, top shelf, by the odor-eaters.
(ladies snigger)
- You all right there, Madam?
Would you like me to get you a chair?
- (sighs) I've gotta read this by tomorrow,
but people keep interrupting.
- Ah, bloody customers, eh, what are they like?
- It's Neville.
He's a lovely bloke but he's doing my head in.
- (scoffs) Freud, The Interpretation of Dreams?
- Yeah. - Did that come through
with Nuts Magazine? Come on then Sigmund, give us a dream.
- Piss off.
- Actually I have this recurring dream where this friend of mind goes off to uni,
becomes really moody and loses all her sense of humour,
what'd you think that means? - Oh yeah, no, I know the answer to this.
It means you're a complete knob-end when it comes to understanding women!
- Hey, I understand women.
You're pretending you want me to go away, when in actual fact--
- I do want you to go away. - Yes okay, Janet!
Yeah, will do, okay, yeah.
Yeah, bye now.
- You gonna give us a dance routine, Gavin?
- What?
- The ...
Madonna.
- Oh, oh I see, yes, oh very good. No, this is just to help me take
my area manager related calls whilst also performing my store manager/deputy
store manager duties.
- Really?
- Tell you what, Keiran, been a revelation.
- Mmm, has it?
- Oh no, now, now, don't forget,
it's the fire wardens meeting, my office at 10:30.
No.
No, Wigan's, no Wigan's fire drill wast last Monday, Janet.
Oh, well sorry, no.
I thought I'd turned it off, hold on.
- So you're a fire warden.
- Hey, Valco's been good to me.
I thought it was about time I give something back.
Plus Andy said they'd give you an extra 50 quid.
- Oh yeah?
- Oi! (Katie laughs)
- I love fire drills.
I think it's my favourite day of the year, apart from Halloween of course.
But, I remember one year,
I dressed up a fire safety officer for Halloween.
(chuckles) "Put those pumpkins out!" (laughs)
I laughed so much I snorted Fanta out of my nose
and ruined my costume, so my mum
said I couldn't do it again.
- I feel like someone's ripped my guts out.
And shat on them.
- Ah, this is really hard for you, isn't it?
- Yeah (sighs).
- If you want, I can ask Gavin if you can be a fire warden too.
- Bloody Posh Spice.
She has three boys, then a girl.
How does she do that?
- Me Nan says, a girl's sperm
come from the left bollock, and boy's sperm from the right bollock.
At least you won't have to buy any clothes for him.
- I've chucked everything out, I was hoping that was it.
Aisle six, top shelf by the oder-eaters!
Bloody hell!
(girls laughs)
(phone rings)
- Sorry to keep you waiting everyone, it's just complete mayhem on soft produce.
I mean, how Julie managed with just two hands,
I really don't know.
Anyway, today is one of the key dates in the Valco calendar:
the fire drill.
And if ...
Sorry, Leighton, what are you wearing?
- My bike stuff.
Just in case we have a real fire before the fire drill
and you don't have time to give us our proper fire warden places.
- Okay, moving on.
Uh, now, I know things have been
a little bit off-kilter, what with Julie being off
and Lorraine's rather sudden departure,
but I'm sure if we all pull together as a team
we can make this the best, the most efficient
fire drill that this branch of Valco has ever seen.
- Come on!
- Hey, Gavin, can I just ask you a quick question?
- I know what you're gonna ask there Kieran,
and the answer's yes, yes,
I do think we can beat the 2008 evacuation time
of three minutes and 15 seconds.
- I was actually just gonna ask when we get the extra money.
- (chuckles) There's no money in this, Kieran.
Who told you that?
- No-one.
- So the fire drill starts at 12:30
So you've got a little bit of time to familiarise
yourselves with the equipment.
Now it's the holy trinity of the whistle,
and the torch.
And the high-vis tabbard.
Oh, I tell you boys, (chuckles)
the fun I've had with these torches.
(headset beeps)
Oh, ah, yes?
Gavin Strong.
Oh, well not really, I'm holding fort at Warrington.
(blows whistle)
Shut up!
No sorry, not you, no.
- Yeah, it's a good thing you took that
fire warden job, with the extra money,
you'd be able to buy Emma a,
oh, nothing.
(Katie laughs)
- Yeah, thanks for that. - Oh, put it on.
- No.
- Oh, is it like Superman? Do you have to go into a phone booth?
(Katie laughs) - Yeah,
it's exactly like that.
- Margaret, did you know we have a hero in our midst?
- Oh, is it, what's his name?
The, John Bishop?
- What?
No.
- Good.
- Oh, can I have a blow of your whistle? - I haven't got a whistle.
(laughs)
All right, I have got a whistle. Don't mean I have to use it.
- Quite right, with great power comes great responsibility.
- Kieran, could you just do me a favour
and just check on all the other fire extinguishers?
Why we went with the Sans 35X I'll never know,
it's not fit for purpose.
- God bless you, Kieran. (Katie laughs)
- Uh yeah, Katie?
Back to work, please, thank you.
- Uh, we've got a problem, Gav.
- (sighs) Can it wait, Sharon? I'm having a devil of a day.
- I can't bake, that oven's knackered.
- Sounding a little bit fruity there, Sharon,
you know, there are customers around.
- Knackered's not swearing, it's not like I said--
- Woah there!
Yes, all right, well point taken.
Well there'd be your own maintenance about the oven?
- Uh-huh, they can't come 'til five.
- Ugh, heavens to Betsy.
Well I suppose we'll just have to do
without fresh bread for today.
- Well should I sling me hook, then? - Uh.
Actually, uh, no.
No, Kieran will be just fulfilling his fire warden's duties so,
we're a man down on the meat counter.
Would you just pop on and help Andy?
- Over my dead body.
Putting her on the meat counter is an insult
to the animals that gave their lives for Valco.
- Don't listen to big chops, Gav,
he's just mardy 'cause it's his time of the month.
I'd be delighted to pop on the meat counter, Gav.
- That's the spirit.
Thank you, Sharon.
- Welcome.
- Just don't touch anything, all right?
- Whatever you say, boss.
(fire extinguisher fires)
(Sharon laughs)
- Oh, pay out is it?
- Yeah, 100 quid.
- Ooh.
(screen beeps)
Good Lord, it's not 100.
It's 1000.
- What, a grand, you joking me?
(laughs)
- Ooh, what's happened?
- The lady's won £1000.
- Oh great!
- Now, you'll have to take it to a post office
to cash it, I'm afraid, we can't do it here.
- Oh, don't apologise.
Do you know, I'm gonna come back and give you 100 quid.
- Well, I was just doing my job.
- No, because if it wasn't for you, Neville,
I don't think I'd have noticed, so, ooh, you stay here!
(kisses)
- Woo!
(Nev laughs nervously)
- Ooh, must be my lucky day! (chuckles)
- [Katie] You're bleeding again, Neville. - Oh right, oh yes, ooh.
(alarm rings)
- [Checkout Woman] The fire alarm has sounded,
will all customers please leave the store immediately.
Will all customers please leave the store immediately.
- Sorry for the inconvenience sir, madam!
Children (chuckles).
This is just a drill, but we do have to behave
as if it is a real fire.
- I'm fine here reading my book.
- The official assembly point is in the car park,
now come on.
- Look, if I die in the fire,
that means I won't have to pay my student loan off.
- Are you refusing to obey an official Valco fire safety instruction?
- Yes, I am.
- Then you leave me no choice. (blows whistle)
- No, what are you doing!?
- Bloody hell, I didn't think students could afford food!
- (laughs) You cheeky git!
Put me down!
(laughs)
- Thank you for your co-operation,
but thank you shopping at Valco.
Come along Kieran, quick as you can.
And ...
Stop the clock!
(hums)
- Hello, hello?
Andy, Kieran?
- Margaret!
- Gavin, am I glad to see you.
I didn't know where everybody was.
I thought me watch was wrong and
they'd all gone home early!
- Didn't you hear the alarm?
- Oh that.
Oh, I thought that was one of them funny mobile phone rings.
- It was a simulated evacuation replicating
the exact conditions of a real fire.
My God, Margaret, you've burned to death!
- Have I?
- That's my basket.
- Well, as always there are positive and negatives
to be taken from today's exercise.
Now, on the positive side,
we were well within the Valco time limit
for store evacuation, and on the negative side,
we'd have probably killed Margaret,
but if I can ask you just to
put that out of your minds for a second
and just concentrate on just clearing up all the abandoned trolleys and baskets,
then that'd be, ooh sorry, hold on a sec.
Yeah, Gavin Strong?
Yes, no, no, yes, what's the problem?
Cats?
- So what, we just gonna stand here all day?
Aren't you gonna train me up or summat?
You haven't had a stroke, have you?
- It takes years to become a butcher,
I'm not training you, you're not ready.
- All right, Yoda, it's only meat.
- Only meat?
Do you have any idea how many different kinds of marbling there is in a rib eye?
- Is it seven, Andy?
- Don't help her.
- [Katie] Margaret to the manager's office please.
Margaret to the manager's office.
- Oh, me and my big mouth.
- I'm bored of winding you up, show me summat.
- I'll show you the door if you like.
- Is that sirloin?
- Tenderloin.
- How about that?
- Rump steak.
- I've got it, ta.
And does it come flat like that, or do you have to beat the meat?
- Oh, very funny.
- Does Kieran ever beat the meat for ya?
- All right, that's it, just zip it and keep out of my way.
- Have you got pork balls?
(laughs)
- (sighs) I'm bored.
- You can help me unload this.
- Oh, can I?
Thanks.
- What happened to Sigmund? You haven't finished already,
please don't tell me what happens at the end.
- Nah, I'll finish it tonight, can't wait. What are you doing?
- Emma's at yoga so beans on toast,
internet porn and in bed by nine.
- Ugh.
- I'm joking about the porn. - Yeah, course you were.
You do know you can take that off now.
- I quite like it actually.
You fancy a quick drink after work?
- Yeah, go on then.
Anyway, I better get back,
make sure Neville hasn't spontaneously combusted.
- Your chariot awaits.
Go on, heaveo.
(Katie laughs)
(Kieran makes car noises)
(tills beep) (customers murmur)
(sneezes)
- I just wanted to call you in and apologise
once again about what happened in the fire.
- Oh, don't worry about it, Gavin, love.
It were quite funny really wasn't it? (chuckles)
- Well, not really, no.
I can't believe we just left you there to burn.
Anyway, just to be clear, if the fire alarm
does go off again, you do know what to do, don't you?
- Uh, stop what I'm doing,
and then follow you to the door.
- That's right.
- And if I can't find you, I follow Lorraine.
- No, Margaret.
Well first of all, you don't have to follow anyone,
and second of all, Lorraine has left.
- Because of the fire?
- I want her gone, and I want her gone now!
- Andy, this really isn't the best of times.
- I'll tell the Butcher's Guild! There'd be uproar if they knew a
non-qualified butcher was serving on that counter,
you'd have walkouts all across the country!
- It's just for today, Andy!
- Don't annoy the Butcher's Guild, Gavin!
You'll have meat thrown at you in the street,
is that what you want? - Gavin!
I think I've lost my torch.
- I ...
(phone rings)
Oh, Janet, I ...
Barnsley ...
Can you pick ...
- Any sign of your lottery woman?
- Not yet, no, but I'm sure she'll come in soon.
I hope so anyway.
£100 and a pretty face, she's a keeper (laughs).
- You know, Neville, I don't wanna be mean but
you can't always trust what people say, you know.
- (sighs) you sound like my ex,
yeah, "Don't be so naive, Neville", she'd say,
well shout, really.
No, I'm sure she'll turn up.
It's just a matter of time, hmm.
Hmm.
- What's that one?
- Ah, just leave me alone.
- Go on, what is it?
- Lean back, and don't do the joke.
(Sharon laughs)
- You're a right character, isn't she, Andy?
- I'm back.
- Guess I'll be off then, eh?
Shame.
I really enjoyed myself.
No kiss goodbye?
'Til next time big chops.
- You all right?
- Don't ever leave me on my own again.
- You okay, Gavin?
- Huh?
Oh, oh, sorry.
I was miles away.
I was just thinking about if that fire had been real
I'd be ringing Margaret's Alan now and
telling him that his beloved wife
has perished in a fire.
- Shall I ring him for you?
- That's very kind of you, Leighton, but it wasn't a real fire, was it?
- But I thought you said we should act like it was.
- I think that, telling Alan that his wife's
dead when she isn't is a little over zealous.
That's no good, I can't get it out of my head.
I've let Margaret down, I've let Valco down.
I know what I must do.
- What you doing?
- Just smell them.
- Oh, I've got a cold, I couldn't smell shit on a blanket today.
Why, what's up with them?
- Nothing, just for you.
- Flowers, for me?
- Yeah.
(scoffs) What kind of a girl do you think I am?
- Stop shagging other people!
- [Linda] What?
- Just shag me.
No-one else.
- Why?
Is this a wind up?
It's a wind up, innit?
(laughs) You bastard!
You had me going then! (laughs)
- I love you.
- [Linda] You what? (laughs) - I said I love you.
(laughs)
(sighs)
- Oh my God.
- Never mind, Neville, she might turn up tomorrow.
- Yes, you never know.
Tomorrow is another day.
All right, go on, you get yourself off, I'll close up here.
(screen beeps)
- Margaret dying was the last straw.
It's shown me that I can't do it alone.
I've tried, Lord knows I've tried.
I'm overstretched.
I know my limitations.
See, the thing is,
Valco needs you back.
I need you back, Julie.
- [Julie] Okay Gavin, I'll come back.
- Thank you, Julie, thank you.
(headset beeps)
(sighs)
- Hmm, hey ho.
- So we're going for this drink, then? - Yeah all right, Hog's Head?
- Might be a bit tricky, it burned down.
- Yeah, I forgot about that. If only they'd had a fire warden, eh?
- Not much you coulda done.
I were there that night, took three fire engines.
- Maybe, amazing what a fully trained Valco
fire warden can do.
(Katie chuckles)
Hang on.
That pub burned down a few days before my wedding.
- Did it?
- Yeah, my brother was gonna take me there for a pint.
- Oh.
- So were you back in the country then?
- Well,
yeah.
- So you could've come to my wedding.
Well, why didn't you?
- Can we just leave it?
(emotional guitar music) - Well I don't understand.
- But I said just leave it. - Katie.
- Think, Kieran.
Why would I not wanna come to your wedding?
Actually, I'm a bit knackered. I'll see you in the morning.
- Yeah, me too.
- Ooh, excuse me, do you know where Neville is?
It's just I want to give him his winnings.
- Winnings?
- Yeah, 100 quid, he helped me with the lottery.
- Um.
I'll give it him, if you want.
- Would you? - Mmm.
- Thank you, that's kind.
- Yeah, that's all right. - Cheers.
- Look, I'm waddling. - Aw!
Lovely.
- Aw!
- (laughs) A proper bump!
- Night, night lovey.
(phone beeps)
Oh no, oh not again.
Gavin!
(man grunts)
(guitar jingle)