- If you can get it anywhere cheaper, I'll come round and cook it meself.
- Red dot deals. - Offers on everything
from booze to biscuits! - Loads of two-for-ones.
- Service with a smile. (laughing)
- We have fresh produce. - Delivered daily.
- Don't forget the Valco tic. - That way.
- Am I getting paid for this? - No.
- I wasn't ready. - Oh weren't you ready?
(laughing)
- Valco serves you right! - Valco serves you right!
(yelling, scoffing)
(knocking) - Yes!
(rhythmic knocking)
Is that you Leighton? - Yeah.
- Well come in then!
Now then, I know it's not normal policy
but I need you to help me with some admin.
- Me?
- Oh yeah it's just a bit of photocopy. You know, envelope stuffing.
It's basic stuff. - You want me to do it?
(yelling enthusiastically)
I've actually dreamt of this.
And it's just like the dream.
Actually no, it's a little bit warmer.
- Yeah well we're transferring the Valco ketchup packing
from a glass bottle into a poly (stammering)
plastic one, and I need you to get a memo out
to all the stores re the change.
- It would be an actual honour.
- Great stuff you know. - Gavin don't worry.
I'm on it like Sonic. (laughing)
He's a really fast hedgehog.
- All right now the hat.
- Do I have to? - Well it's either the hat
or the hairnet and the hairnet is totally whack mate.
- Whack.
- It's a thing innit?
It's whack.
Once more, fillet, rib eye, rump, brisket, mince.
- What's the point?
I'm only on holiday cover, and I'm a vegetarian.
- Oh come on!
Look at me, what do you think they are hey?
Molars yeah?
From the Latin mola meaning millstone
for grinding meat, mate.
(machine screeching)
- So it's all very simple really.
You just select the colour and quantity
and hey presto!
Hey presto!
- Need to press the green triangle!
- Julie! - Gavin!
- Yay Julie's back, double yay!
(happily laughing)
- Oh good to see you Julie, how are you?
- I'm great Gavin.
Really good, I'm a competent, capable woman
who believes in her abilities.
- Gosh, are you?
I mean clearly. - It's my new mantra.
A little self-affirmation to help me through
any dark moments, not that there'll be any. (laughing)
- No, of course not, right.
Let's... (mumbling)
Ugh, Debbie Gossling in Kendall.
It'll be a long one.
No, (scoffing) I've made it be known,
I'm staying put here today.
- Oh there's no need!
Get me on the floor Gavin, I'm here to be used by you.
- Really?
You sure you wouldn't rather ease your way back in
more gently, I'm up to me top pocket in paperwork here
as you can see. - No.
Anyway, you've got Leighton helping out with the admin now.
(whirring) - Whoa, that's really snatchy.
- Yo.
I've been thinking and I'm happy with,
you know, having an open relationship so...
- (laughing) Listen to yourself, open relationship.
What do you think this is Downton fucking Abbey?
(laughing)
- So, just to warn you, there is rather a lot to do
on the shop floor now that we're a staff member down.
(phone chiming)
- Kendall? - Yeah Kendall,
I'll have to.
Yes, Debbie, how can I help?
Right.
Well she's drunk all of it?
I didn't even know we still stocked Taboo.
Yeah well just get maintenance to remove the cubicle door.
No I simply can't Debbie. - You can,
go.
- Hold on Debbie, one second.
- Are you sure? - Positive, trust me.
- Well obviously if there's a problem, I'm on the blow.
- I know, and I promise I'll blow you if anything comes up.
I'm sorry. - What?
- Blow you.
- Oh, OK, right.
Well I'll, (stammering) I won't be long.
Yeah Debbie can you just try and get him
to put some clothes on, yeah at least the bottom half.
Just give a yarner kit, I dunno.
- I'm a competent, capable woman
who believes in her abilities.
- 55,
56,
57 pence, have a really super day.
- Thank you.
- Please say you've come to tell me it's lunch.
- It's not lunch. (groaning)
- How slow is today?
- What are you in such a hurry to get home for?
- It's Monday night, two for one cocktails at Harry Beans,
why, what are you doing?
Watching Master Chef in your slippers again?
- Don't you start.
Nemo said he thought I was the same age as Andy,
do you believe it? - Nyeah.
- Nyeah? What does nyeah mean?
- (laughing) I'm only joking, don't tear your hair out.
You'll need all you've got left.
- Piss off. (laughing)
- Thought I was losing my hair once.
It's a funny story actually.
I kept finding hairs on my pillow, I was mortified.
Turns out, it was actually Mike's hair.
Quite the relief I can tell you. - I bet.
- You can take my wife but at least I've still got my hair.
(chuckling)
- So you gonna join us tonight?
- What me out with the kids? Oh maybe.
- Oh I'll make sure you're back in before 11.
- Make it 10:30, you got a deal.
- Oh that'll work. - Best get back.
- Yeah. (laughing)
- Oh excuse me young lady,
can you tell me where the sausage rolls are?
- Oh aisle 14 I think, love.
I'd go and have a look and see if I were you.
And if they're not there then that means
I've got it wrong and they're probably somewhere else.
(laughing) OK!
Oh thank you for shopping at Valco.
- It's me, Margaret.
- I'm a competent, capable woman who believes in her abilities.
I'm a com--
Oh Colin!
You all right? - Hello Julie.
I heard you were back.
Gone for ages weren't you? What was it?
- Exhaustion.
- Seriously?
What and they still paid you for that?
Nice one, respect for that mate.
- Oh, thanks mate. - So what were the symptoms?
Did you feel really shit and a bit sad?
- Well, sometimes.
- Yeah see 'cause I've got that.
No I have and I'm not saying you gave it to me but
I've definitely got the shit bit and I feel a bit sad.
- Sorry to hear that Colin.
What brought it on, do you know?
- Oh well I'd rather not talk about it
in a minute to be honest. - Of course.
- Just some total slag went and shat on my heart!
- Yes, yes, that's awful.
- So who do I speak to about getting put on the sick?
- Maybe you just need a change of scenery!
- Oh definitely. - What would you think
about a little time on self-service?
- All I've had is self-service lately
and that's half the problem.
And I just don't seem to have the imagination anymore
it's like-- - Well, well,
(laughing) this'll do you the world of good.
Now you follow me now. - Following.
- Hello, Leighton speaking.
Tell China the deal is off.
Hi, Leighton here, we need lots more crisps,
all the flavours, fast. - Hello Gavin, is that you?
Gavin?
- All right, just put one on me shoulder yeah?
- Is it hygienic? - Just do it will you?
(sighing) All right, go on.
Ooh, oh yeah that's a...
It's...
- Lincolnshire.
- I was just about to say that!
- Yeah of course you were. - Oh bloody hell.
First day of your holidays and you're in already.
- Just passing.
- What the exact place we work?
Come to check up on us haven't you? - Not a bit of it, but if anyone snaffles
one of them mini scotch eggs I'll know about it.
- No need to worry about this one, he's a vegetarian.
- Vegetarian on the meat counter?
- Hey you know why they're called molars?
Don't you? From the latin molaris, meaning to grind,
meat. - Yeah I know.
That's what he said? - Did he?
Ah, it's like looking in the mirror sometimes.
- Yeah a big bendy circus one.
- You keep telling yourself that son
but the butcher's physique comes to all of us in the end.
- Thank you. - See you now.
- Hello ladies! (laughing)
I just thought I'd pop over and let you both know that
♫ Tada
I'm back! - Hey Julie.
- Oh it's good to see you love.
- Yeah are you feeling better? - Oh much, thank you.
Back where I belong.
- All that daytime telly driving you mental was it?
Ow! What?
- Well anyway, call me if you need me.
(laughing)
- I didn't mean mental mental, I just meant,
you know, mental. - You and your gob.
- Oh don't, I feel awful. - You're right though,
she's mental.
- Oh Julie, they throwin' you in at the deep end hey?
First day back and you're a man down.
- Sorry?
- Me, I'm on holiday. - Oh, you've come in!
Gosh, you're dedicated. - Well,
there's a new kid on the counter
so you've gotta ease him in gently
like a fairground goldfish, keep him in the bag
for a while before letting him loose in the tank or they'll die.
- Oh actually, I'm glad I've seen you.
I just wanted to ask, the day of my moment,
did everybody see? - No, no, not at all, no.
Just me, Margaret and Kieran and then Ian,
Linda, Sue and I think Lisa.
- And Gavin? - Yeah, yeah of course.
Well that was unavoidable.
I mean you were on the trolley first you know,
so we had to wheel you through the back till Gavin came.
We carried you out the store as quickly as we could but
getting you into Gavin's car was quite a performance
I can tell you, good job you had your big pants on.
Julie, you all right love?
- Yes.
Yes I'm fine. - Good.
For a moment I thought someone had let you out your bag too early. (chuckling)
- Oof.
(beeping)
- [Machine] Unexpected item in bagging area.
Unexpected item-- - Excuse me.
Can you help please?
- [Machine] Unexpected item in bagging area.
- Yeah these things are shit, just take it.
- You sure? - Yep,
you've already bagged it, no I'd do it.
- Oh sorry about this.
If you could just take it to till four please.
What's going on? Why didn't you call for help?
- All of this is a cry for help Julie.
My head's a mess, I can't think straight
especially when I'm around her.
It's Lisa? - Yeah.
Maybe I should go home. - Oh no.
I won't let you sink.
Come on, let's just get you moved somewhere else.
(vocalising)
- What?
- You just can't keep away can you?
- Where else am I gonna find moussaka this quality for 1.80.
- Oh yeah you're right.
Sod the week away in Cypress, I'm staying in the canteen.
- Hey, you haven't left that lad on his own
at the meat counter? - Course not,
I'm not stupid.
He's on his lunch as well.
- All right.
- What, you mean it's...
- Yeah, that's right Andy, it's unmanned.
- But it's a shepherd's pie,
so it should have some actual lamb in it. - Maybe you ate it too quickly.
- I didn't even finish it, it was too horrible.
- Maybe you didn't get to the meaty bit then.
Do you wanna take it back and try again?
- I'll just take the refund, thanks.
- Suit yourself.
- Can you tell Gavin I've put me rot request on there?
- Yeah.
- What are you doing? - Helping Gavin with some paperwork.
- Mm. - I'm his right hand man
for the day which is nice 'cause I'm usually left handed.
- Oh no Leighton.
What have yo done?
You've copied it all upside down, look!
- No!
No, no, no!
- Gavin'll go mental when he sees that.
I better see what
Sorry You're Leaving cards we got in stock.
See yah.
(cackling)
- Sorry about that. - Stop apologising,
I don't mind that I bought your lunch, really.
- It's just weird 'cause I know
there's definitely money in my account, so sorry.
- Stop apologising.
- Sorry, sorry.
- All right mate, you two planning this big night on the town then?
- Big night?
- I just meant, what you doing tonight?
- Not much, just a quiet night in probably.
Whatever you fancy.
- Well I don't really know yet so...
- Cool beans.
Well I'll leave you two then.
- Oh.
- See you.
- Bye. - Bye.
- Sorry did I just put my foot in it? - No, no it's fine.
How wrong would it be to end a relationship by text?
- Not cool beans. - Oh don't!
It's driving me mental!
Maybe I'll call him or email him.
- Yeah well at least no one could accuse you
of chicken can they?
(clucking)
- Oh shut up! - Shit, pick that up.
- Know what, the more that I think about it,
the more that I reckon, there's no way that a shepherd would eat lamb, no way.
He's with 'em all day.
It'd be like me eating you.
- (laughing) That sounded wrong.
- (laughing) It does!
- (laughing) You big lezzo!
- Right, so Colin, we've said no to stacking,
no to self-service, how about the loading bay?
I mean surely there can't remind you of Lisa?
- There more than anywhere. - Why?
- We did it on the cages, we did it behind the wheelie bins,
we did it in the wheelie bins.
And as for that forklift truck, to be honest,
I'm surprised it still works.
- Julie!
Julie, I really need to talk to you. - Now hang on a minute Leighton.
So Colin, are you telling me that you've had
sexual relations on site with a fellow member of staff
on several occasions?
- Yeah, loads of occasions.
- Excuse me Julie, can I have a word please?
- Oh Andy, don't you have a home to go to?
- This is an emergency Julie,
there is no one on the meat counter, no one.
- And how is that an emergency?
- People might want meat.
- Thank you for your information
and I'll deal with it shortly. - How Julie?
- I said I'll deal with it!
- You all right?
You're not having another one of your--
- I'm not! - Can Julie Cook
please come to customer service please.
- Bloody hell! - Julie Cook.
- Julie... - I'm fine!
I'm totally fine!
Get out of the way!
(whistling)
Competent capable woman who believes in her abilities.
I'm a competent capable woman
who believes in her abilities. (deeply inhaling)
I'm a competent capable woman who believes in her abilities.
(crying)
- Hello Margaret love.
- Hello Andy, pass me these scissors will you?
I've got to restock me patty, 'cause it's gone green again.
- Can't I'm not...
Oh all right.
- Thanks love.
- Can I get six of them Cumberland sausages please?
- Yes certainly sir, you know they go beautifully with--
(sighing)
- I knew it, you just couldn't resist could you?
- It's more than a butcher can take seeing an empty stand.
- Go on get off and stop checking on us, we're fine.
You're supposed to be on your holiday. - All right I'm gone, I'm gone.
- What a loser. - Hey, less of that.
You're haven't earned the right to call that man a loser.
Get back to work.
- I'm a competent capable woman
who believes in her abilities. (crying)
(exclaiming)
(knocking) Yes!
(knocking)
(scoffing) Come in Leighton.
- Mum said I should just come straight out and tell you
because at least then I would be being honest
and you couldn't be cross at me for two things.
The thing that I did, and the fact that
I didn't tell you about the thing I did. - Well what have you done?
- Gavin's memos.
I've accidentally copied them upside down.
- Well just turn it the other way, right?
- Oh yeah!
Yeah, you could do that!
Hey that's brilliant!
I guess you could just turn the photocopier around as well.
- No!
You've got 15 minutes.
Get this lot out of the bin and start stuffing.
- Yes, yeah I can do this. - You can, you can Leighton.
- I can do this, I can do this, I can do this.
- Right, Colin, I think you-- - Should go home.
- Are a work shite, bone idle piss taker.
Now get on with your work and stop moaning.
- Well I've got a broken heart!
- Oh get over it!
No one wants to climb on a wet blanket!
Grow a pair and she might be interested.
(banging)
(overlapping chatting) What appears to be the problem here?
- They weren't happy with their purchases.
- I said I wanted to speak to someone senior.
- You are, so how can I help you?
- These No Nonsense dinners are shit.
- Oh really?
Is the fact that it was 40 P?
The fact that it looks like dog food and smells worse?
- You taking the piss?
- No I'm not, now if you're unhappy with the product
then we'll give you your money back. In fact, I will give you the money.
All of you, here, have it, because you get what you pay for.
And there's a lot to be said for nonsense!
It's nonsense that sets us apart from the animals hey Sue?
(laughing) I love nonsense!
There, I've said it, and if you don't like it
don't buy it, end of.
Bin please Linda.
- Julie!
- Oh Gavin, I'm sorry I've let you down haven't I?
I know what you're thinking,
you're thinking I'm not ready aren't you?
- I wasn't thinking that at all.
I was actually thinking it's really good
to have you back Julie.
- Oh Gavin!
- Let me tell you what's happening in Kendall.
- Hiya babe, it's me.
Listen, a few of us are going for a drink
after work tonight so, no, no, no, you're right
that's what I'm saying.
All right fine, suit yourself,
well can I go or not?
No, all right.
Actually you know what? I am gonna go because,
well because I want to, so just deal with it, yeah?
Oh, oh, oh, can you record Master Chef for me?
Emma, Emma... (sighing)
- Sorry, sorry, sorry.
- I'll be ready in five.
- Oh are you actually coming? - Oh yeah,
saw the future today and it was not pretty.
- Night out on the town is it?
Great fun.
Give you my best to Stu for me.
Hooked yourself a cracker there Katie.
- Yeah he is a good lad. - Have to say,
Stu reminds me a lot of myself in my younger days.
- Does he? - Absolutely.
Oh to be young and in love again.
Wind in your hair,
adequate erectile function.
What a lucky guy he is, hmm.
- I'll meet you outside.
- Is it all right if I meet you lot there?
It's just, there's something I need to do first,
face to face.
- Oh yeah, yeah, of course yeah.
Yeah I'll see you later.
- Yeah, see you later.
- Good luck.
- Thanks.
- You in tomorrow?
- Of course I'm in tomorrow, I'm always in.
- All right, just making conversation. - Why are you having off or something?
- No I'm in tomorrow.
- Right, glad we cleared that one up then.
- Yeah, see you tomorrow. - Hey Linda
you forgot something, your dinner! (laughing)
- (imitating hurling) Don't want it. (laughing)
It's rank! (laughing)
- Bloody hell, how are you still here?
- I'm a very thorough shopper Kieran,
it's my hunter gatherer instincts.
I like to stalk my prey before I pounce.
- On your Waggon Wheels an Nivea Cooling Balm?
- Don't suppose you fancy a pint?
- Oh go on then, anything to get you out of this place.
- They couldn't take the door off so they had to go in over the top.
- Oh sorry!
How much Tabboo had she had? - A whole crate!
- (gasping) No!
- Go on, admit it. - Admit what?
- You missed me? - Missed you?
I've seen you more today than when you're actually working.
- Say no more, understood. - Understood what?
- I caught you playing my sausage game earlier,
tells me all I need to know.
- Can you keep your voice down?
It's just that sounds really weird out of context.
- You were though weren't you?
- That don't mean I missed you. - Those actions speak 1000 words,
I know what you were saying. - What?
- Oh let's not spoil the moment.
- What?
- You love me.
- Shut up. - I know, I've always known.
- How is it possible for you to be more annoying
on your day off than when you're in work? - Give it a cuddle.
Come back, come here, give us a cuddle! (laughing)
(mid tempo music)
(banging, thumping, grunting)