- Could she stop that now? - If you can get it anywhere cheaper,
I'll come round and cook it myself. - Red dot sales.
- Offers on everything from booze to biscuits.
- Loads of two for ones.
- Service with a smile.
(laughing)
- We have fresh veggies. - Delivered daily.
- Don't forget the Valco tick. - That way.
- Am I getting paid for this?
- Valco. - I wasn't ready.
(laughing)
- Valco serves you right.
- [Everyone] Valco serves you right.
(upbeat music)
- 26, 27, 28, 29.
Oh!
62, 63, 64. - What's she doing?
- 73, 74, 75, 76, 77.
- Oh, I do apologise, Margaret.
- Oh, don't worry about it, Gavin, it's quilt all right.
86, 87, 88.
- I think we're the only normal one's here.
- What are you on about? You're a proper weirdo.
- You're the weird one. - You are.
- I'm serious, make sure you go at lunch, it's important.
- I know, spuffing two hundred grand on the house
is important.
- Why are you being like that? - Like what?
- Do you know, it is like talking to a child.
Just make sure you go.
Make sure he goes, will ya?
- Go where, to the vet, finally get you spayed?
- Emma's got me going to the mortgage advisor.
She's seen a house.
- We'll you gotta live somewhere.
Look at me, 200 pound a month, mortgaged up to the eyeballs.
- Try a grand a month for 25 years.
- Shit in a bed, who can afford that?
You wanna build your own.
- Really?
- Yeah, a bit of common land, dead of night,
hod on your back, premixed cement, shit load of bricks,
whop, you got a house.
- What's up with you? - Nothing, what's up with you?
- Nothing.
- Sure you're not missing me?
- What's to miss?
(zipping)
- I'd say there's a lot to miss.
I'm gonna say a lot, I mean a lot.
- Seen bigger.
- Oh yeah?
- Mm-hm.
- Where, Aintree?
(zipping)
- I need to amend these wage sheets, Gavin.
I mean Dawn Lees is still on here,
and she moved to Whitstable three years ago.
Is everything alright, Gavin?
- I'm at sixes and sevens, and I dare say eights, Julie.
- Whatever's wrong?
- I can't find a stapler anywhere in this blasted office.
Oh, and Chester died last night.
- Oh Gavin, I'm so sorry.
How old was he?
- 42.
I mean, dog years obviously.
If it had been human, it'd be a middle aged man
in the prime of his life.
- Like you, Gavin?
- He always wanted to get out.
Every time I went to the door, he'd just nibble, playfully,
at the ankles.
- Oh Gavin, that needs a butterfly stitch,
at the very least.
- So I answered the door, and off he shot,
straight under the allied wheels of a Subaru Impreza.
- Oh Gavin.
- I'm inclined to think that he was suicidal,
so definitive were his actions.
They wouldn't let me see the body. - Is it a body when it's an animal?
I thought it was a carcass.
Leighton?
- I wasn't asleep.
- Been burning the candle at both ends, have we?
- No, no, the fire brigade said we're not allowed candles
at our house anymore.
- I meant, are you sleeping properly?
- I think I am.
It's hard to tell when you're asleep
if you're doing it properly, because it's so dark.
- Anyway, can you tidy this lot up? It looks like a pig's lunchbox.
This one's from 2010.
We're not a museum, you know.
- No, we're a supermarket, Julie.
- Just get it tidied up.
Sorry, madam.
- It was incredible.
You know, I really couldn't tell she was a man.
- Sounds like a near miss, Neville.
- Yes, it was Katie.
She's still got my wallet though,
and I have to get myself a new mobile phone.
Hey ho.
- Neville, can I have a word?
- Why certainly, Julie.
As long as that word is dinner.
- I need you to go on the tills today.
We're a bit short staffed. - Tills, wow, I'd love to.
Thanks, Julie.
- Great.
Well, if you want to follow me, I'll show you the ropes.
- Wish me luck.
- Good luck.
I'll miss ya.
Promise me you'll write.
- No.
- What are you up to tonight? - Tonight?
I'm shaving me balls. (laughs)
- What's that look for?
- For your wank bank.
- And don't forget, you can get six cans
of No Nonsense tuna rounds for the price of four.
Ow, oh. (laughs)
- Whoa, what are you doing? - The baby just booted me.
- Oh, let me feel.
Come on, kick.
It's your Auntie Linda.
- Give up, you'll frighten it. Oh.
- It didn't, I don't believe it.
- I don't think he likes you. (laughing)
- You alright there, Nev?
- I'm positively raring to go.
I feel like Captain Kirk.
- Want some till tips?
- Oh, insider secrets?
I very much do.
- Right, keep your phone between your legs,
then you can text whenever you want.
Whiffs a bit by the end of the day like, but oh, smell that.
- No, no, I'm all right.
Thing is I don't actually have anyone to text at present.
I could text you couldn't I?
(beeping noises with mouth)
Hi, Lisa.
- Hiya.
- Hello. (laughs)
- Do you need the toilet, Margaret?
- No.
I've already been twice, thank you. - No I mean, what's with all the marching?
- Oh, I'm using my new pedometer.
- Pedometer.
- It's a present from my niece, and she's coming over soon,
and I need to look like I've used it.
A year and a half in three weeks.
Oh, I'll be puffed out.
- Oh Gavin, your snouts.
There you go mate, get old Chester's laughing gear
round these little beggars. Fresh off the pigs' faces.
- Thank you, Andy.
They might be man's best friend, but give a dog a bag of snouts,
he'll rip your arm off for 'em. - Not for the first time.
- You all right, mate? You look like a used johnnie.
- Chester's dead.
- Oh, oh right.
- I came down, and there was no one there mauling the sofa.
No one eating my Shreddies when my back was turned.
No one barking at BBC Breakfast.
- They're like soul mates, aren't they, dogs.
Look at Greyfriars Bobby.
You know why he sat on his owner's grave for all those years?
- No.
- He'd been buried holding the lead. (laughs)
Too soon?
- Might have to bear with me, bit of a dodgy conveyor belt I'm afraid.
Bean anywhere nice this year?
Oh, do you always have fish on a Friday?
No, I'm having it for the halibut. (laughs)
- Ah, I don't wish to criticise your board work
there Leighton, but you might want to spread
them out a bit more.
Like this.
Just, hold these.
It's a lot easier to register when you spread them out,
you see, and it puts a lot less strain on the drawing pins.
See?
- Can humans fall asleep standing up Gavin?
- Like giraffes?
Well I'm not entirely...
Why do you ask?
- It's just, every time I blink I have a little dream.
I just dreamt about being a giraffe because you said giraffe.
- Are you all right, Leighton?
- Yeah, yeah I'm just so very tired, Gavin.
- Right.
Well, it's nice to have had this little chat.
As you were.
- Shouldn't be too much longer.
Oh, back spasm.
Don't worry, it'll soon pass.
Any minute now.
Ow.
(loud snorting)
(laughs)
- Move, move.
- Alright, skids?
- I am, but Billy No Nuts here
might be living on the street soon.
- Here we go again.
- What's he giving you grief for now?
- Because I've got to go see a mortgage advisor.
- How exciting.
Have you found somewhere?
- Emma's found a three bedroom house with a garden.
And I think two hundred grand is a bit of a stretch.
- Bloody hell.
- Yeah, bloody hell. - Does it have to be a three bedroom?
- Emma wants us to start trying for...
- Oh, right.
- [Margaret] 28, 29, 30.
- Well, you'll definitely need some balls for that then, eh!
- Sod it, I'm not going.
- Not going?
Oh, she'll go mad.
- It needs properly thinking about. I'm not popping off for my lunch
and coming back 200 grand in debt.
- Oh, mark this day in your diaries everyone.
For today is the day that Kieran
finally grew a pair of nuts.
- Right.
Thought I'd you'd let you all know there's
a sheet on the notice board.
Everyone's wages on 'em.
- What are they doing that for?
- I have no idea, but Julie's gonna do a nut, man.
Ladies, gents, prepare yourself for the shit storm.
- That needs to come down.
I mean, I don't want everybody knowing how much more than them I earn.
Jealousy can do terrible things to a man.
Terrible, Terrible things.
- You finished?
- Yeah.
- Come on, Margaret.
- 29, 30, 31, 32.
- Whoa, easy now.
This is how all that bother in Egypt got started.
- Is that it?
Everyone's just on the same shit pay, aren't they?
- Julie's on 9.20 an hour.
- Management though, wouldn't want all that shit, would you?
- Yeah, having to be a massive tit to everyone
eight hours a day.
- How are you on seven pound 37?
- Skilled labour, isn't it? - Skilled at what?
- Just generally skilled.
- I'm sorry you had to see this everybody.
I didn't want everybody knowing that I'm on a wedge more than them,
but I've been here years, so.
- Oh, would you look at that, Andy Richmond,
seven pound and 37 an hour.
Same as me.
Did they miss a zero off or something?
- Unbelievable.
(laughing)
- If I find hard core pornography on that board,
I will not be accountable for my action.
- You took your time. Been buying a yacht?
- What are you talking about?
- Or is most of your money tied up in property?
- Who's seen this?
- Pretty much everyone.
I'm thinking it might be a good idea to take it down.
- This is a classified document.
- Oh, I've got security clearance for everything classified,
right up to the very top.
- In the time it took you to say that, she's just earned a thousand quid.
- Oh shut up Sharon!
- Two thousand.
- Just get back to work, all of you!
- See, money don't buy you happiness.
- How are you on 3p more than me?
- I'm more mature than you.
- Two decades more mature.
(laughing)
I missed it again!
I don't believe it.
- Hey, get off, you.
Get off it right.
(laughing)
That's mine and the baby's. You're depriving me.
Oh come on. - Be careful, you're pregnant.
- Gavin, this was on the notice board.
It could have started World War Four. - Jumping Josephs, that's where it got to.
Please tell me nobody saw this.
- I'm sorry, but I don't think there's a member of staff
who hasn't seen it.
- But I had it in my hand
and oh lord, I must have given it to Leighton.
I'm a bloody idiot!
- Gavin!
- I'm sorry you had to hear that Julie,
but I'm just a ball of rage at the moment, I really am.
- Gavin I've never seen you like this.
You're like a wild animal.
- I might as well just hand the head office a big whip
and just bend over for them.
- Oh, you shouldn't have to deal with this today.
You're grieving.
- I'm not, Julie.
Chester was a dog.
It wasn't even my dog, it was Barbara's dog.
Had nothing but contempt for me.
Where is that blasted stapler?
- Why don't you go out with the boys tonight?
- What boys?
- I thought all men had friends they called, the boys.
- Well, I don't.
- Well, not even through cycling? - It's a solitary pursuit.
- Maybe I could take you out, cheer you up.
I've heard of this lovely Italian.
- I can't even get satisfactory purchase on this drawer.
- Oh!
Oh, Gavin, I'm so sorry.
- The Valco family's just in tatters,
and it's all my fault, Julie?
- You'll think of something, Gavin.
You know what they say about a tiger,
he's at his most dangerous when he's wounded.
- But I mean, just look at that.
That is shatter proof, allegedly.
- Excuse me, can you tell me where the batteries are please.
- Right, aisle nine.
- Okay, thank you.
(crash)
- I can't remember who's the boss out of you two.
It must be the one who earns more.
Who's that again?
- Oh yeah, that's right, go on have a good laugh.
I tell you, you haven't heard the last of this.
No one has.
- Mate, how long have you worked here? - Yeah?
- Long enough to know when I've been royally shafted.
In the ass.
(laughing)
Bloody shit houses.
- That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
- Oh god, he'll be in a mood all week now.
It's bad enough at home.
- I know it's none of my business,
but you and Emma are really good together.
Just cook her a meal tonight.
And tell her what's worrying you. And she'll respect you for that.
- Cook?
- Yeah.
- That's an idea.
Thanks.
- No problem.
Just buy us a pint with the 42 pounds 80 a week
you earn more than me.
- You worked it out? (laughs)
- And you're sure this will help me keep me awake?
- Well, it'll keep your eyes open.
- Was it really that bad?
- Julie, I received a bonafide chewing out.
Head office will be printing wanted posters
with my face on it.
- But did they agree to pay rises?
- Well let's just gather the troops together,
deliver the news in one fell swoop.
- Ah, my eyebrow!
- (laughs) Hello everyone, gather round, gather round.
- Come on everyone, listen to Gavin please.
Come on.
- Now, I know you all saw something today
that you weren't supposed to. - Yeah, we're all on boggle money.
Present company excepted, Julie.
- Now, it is entirely my fault that you saw
that classified information.
- In that case you can backdate my pay.
I want 10 pound an hour, going back to September 1998.
- Please, Andrew.
I won't be backdating anyone's pay.
- No, he certainly won't.
- But I shall be going one better than that.
Head office have kindly offered every member
of Valco Warrington 1,000 points on their loyalty cards!
- That's equivalent to 10 pounds!
- I do a third more work than numb-nuts here
for the same pay and you're palming me off with make believe money?
- Please, now can't we just put all this behind us?
Just think what your points could go towards.
- I don't know what an ombudsman does,
but I'm going to find out and speak to one about this.
- So, if you could all go back to work, now that would be marvellous!
- Get it through your big, fat head,
you and Kieran do the same job and are accordingly rewarded.
- Rewards?
Oh yeah, we know who gets rewards around here.
Go on, go back to your piles of cash, Oprah.
(crash)
(beeping)
- 132.37, please.
- You keep doing that, you'll put your back out.
- Oh don't worry, it's nothing a tube of Deep Heat
and a long, warm shower won't sort out.
You know, I do sometimes miss having a bath.
- You should've just flicked this.
Eh?
It'll fly down like shit off a shovel now, Nev.
- Lisa, you are a beautiful angel!
- I know, I know.
- Ow!
- Oh, you all right? - Oh no.
- You all right?
- No.
- Will you give us that magazine? - Yeah. (grunts)
- Thank you very much.
- Andy, you've got a face like lightning.
- Yeah so would you, Margaret, if your whole life was a lie.
- It is.
I don't really take a six.
I really take a five.
I just like roomy shoes.
- Your life isn't a lie.
You just earn the same amount as I do.
Get over it.
- Earn the same as you but do 33% more work.
- How do you work that one out?
- In my 1/3 more superior than yours brain.
I do all the heavy lifting, all the mopping,
most of the carrier bag replenishing.
- You make me do all that stuff!
- A third more work than you, and I'm on the same money.
That means I'm entitled to a third of everything that's yours.
- Oh, this is makes perfect sense, yeah.
- On top of my own, I'll eat a third of whatever you eat.
How's that?
- Well, you look like you do anyway. - And a third of Emma.
She can be my wife for two and a third days a week.
Thursday, Friday, Saturday morning. - Normal.
- Be the best third of a week of her life. Full on romantic.
- Yeah, I'm pretty sure she'll be well into this idea, yeah.
- And that three bedroom semi, I'll move in.
Get on the mortgage. - By all means.
At least then we'll be broke together.
- Have you really not got a house, Kieran?
You could sleep in Alan's shed.
- Thanks, Margaret. I'll ask Emma, see what she thinks.
- Yeah, don't ask her Thursday.
I've got a table booked at The Spice Lounge.
Candles, curry and cuddles.
After that, who knows?
- 455.
Oh, is that all?
- That's the time Margaret.
It's a watch.
- But it hasn't got any fingers.
- It's a digital watch.
- Oh, that's right, (laughs) my present was the watch.
They bought Alan the pedometer.
Oh what are you to do.
- I do not get paid enough for this.
- Leighton.
- Ah, don't hurt me, I've been a good girl!
- Oh, it's all right, I think you were dreaming.
Listen, you know you can't just fall asleep at work.
It's not the done thing.
- I didn't mean to, Gavin.
I just couldn't keep awake.
I've never had to work so long before.
- I don't follow.
- What's that for?
- You.
- Me?
I can't drink wine.
Do you not remember last time? I copped off with a guy wearing slip-ons.
(laughs)
Anyway, what you buying me wine for?
35 hours a week, 52 weeks a year, what I earn more than you.
Split the difference.
- Aw, come here you mad head. (laughing)
Ah, I felt it!
Yeah.
Aw, it's your Auntie Linda!
- Oh, you've definitely woken it up now.
- Leighton, Monday day, Monday night, Tuesday day,
Tuesday night, Wednesday day.
Have you been here for three days and nights?!
- I don't know.
I did notice it got light and dark outside a few times.
Does that usually happen? - You can be certified clinically insane
after three days with no sleep.
Didn't it even occur to you that you don't even work nights?
- Well it was the rota, and Julie said when I started here,
that whatever the rota said, was when I had to work.
- Clearly there's been a misprint, Leighton.
And no, we don't just do what the rotas tell us.
We've got to be in charge of our own destiny.
- Charge of our own density. - Right, just go home, Leighton.
Off you go, go get some sleep.
- Thanks boss.
Night night.
- Yeah, sleep tight.
- Ah, hey!
- Look, truce.
How about we get a drink? My shout.
- You'll have to buy three for every two that I buy.
- I'll buy all of them, how's that?
- Oh yeah, don't try and buy me off just
'cause I got dibs on your Emma.
- Oh, Emma.
Oh actually mate, we're going to have to put
that drink on ice. I've got some explaining to do.
- Ah, looks like a rung's come off your property ladder, eh?
- She is not gonna be happy.
- Tell you what, you have her this week. I'll have my go once the dust settles.
- Julie!
I just wanted to say thank you.
- Oh what for, Gavin?
- Well, you know, the stapler.
You found it, didn't you?
- I may have.
My lips are sealed.
Well, unless you'd care to open them.
- You know, you never notice the amount of steel
used in the construction of a supermarket, 'till you look at the roof.
- Any plans this evening?
- Well as it happens, yes.
You are looking at the newest member
of the Warrington Cycling Club.
- Oh, really Gavin?
That is fantastic.
- Yeah, nothing else to go home for.
But you know, might as well go out on the open road.
Three abreast with my fellow cyclists.
- Bottom bobbing on your saddle.
- Yes, cycling club.
You know, I don't know why I haven't thought of it before.
- Hey up.
- Hi.
- Wine, not plonk.
Food to actually cook, not microwave.
- Good lad, she'll love you for it.
- Hiya.
- Oh, hi.
Have a good night tonight you two.
- You all right?
- Yep.
So, how did you get on?
- Hear me out.
I didn't go.
- Oh Kieran, you promised!
- Don't forget, next Thursday. Already made a reservation.
- I just think it's something we need to properly talk about.
- Jesus, talk about it?
Kieran I asked you to do one thing.
One thing!
- Hey, spare.
- What?
- Come on.
- [Machine] Unexpected item in bagging area.
Unexpected item in bagging area.
(upbeat music)