- Valco.
- Serves you right. - A bit nervous.
- You won't beat our prices. (laughing)
- You can stop that now. - (imitating gun firing) Boom!
- Red dot deals.
- Offers on everything from booze to biscuits.
- Loads of two-for-ones.
(laughing)
- We got fresh produce.
- Delivered daily. - Am I getting paid for this?
- Don't forget the Valco tick.
- That way.
- [Both] Valco serves you right!
- Valco serves you right!
- [All] Valco serves you right.
- Remind me what this is about again.
- According to Richard France,
it is a shooting range for idea bombs.
- Right.
- To be honest, Julie, I do find it very hard to follow.
Sometimes, I think that Richard France might actually be
from France.
(laughing)
- Oh, Gavin, that's very good!
- Yeah, I thought of it last week. I've been meaning to say it for some time.
(laughing)
- It's a disgrace.
A bloody disgrace.
(sighing)
He's broken the butcher's code. - Here we go again.
- Rule one, don't touch another butcher's knife.
Rule two, never grass on another butcher,
unless he's broken rule one.
Rule three, don't jack your job and then run off to Newquay.
- You're right, Kieran shouldn't have left like that,
but it's done now, so?
- I don't know why you're defending him. He dumped you!
In fact, he dumped me too.
- I was not dumped!
We were just mates.
- Down in the mouth? - No.
- Heartache behind the eyes,
yeah, he dumped on you all right,
and he's taken a giant dump on me.
- Hey, hey, hey!
Morning, G-force!
All set for your starring role?
(laughing nervously)
- I hate to be negative first thing in the morning, but,
well, I hate to be negative any time of the day,
but I'm still not sure that I should be the one manning
the customer suggestion tent.
- Customer suggestion tent, boring!
Come on, let's have a name with some pizazz.
- I have a very hectic schedule.
I am the store manager, after all!
- I hear ya, Gavster, and nine times out of 10,
I'd say reach into the beehive and pull out a drone.
- I have no idea what you just said.
- People are desperate to give us their ideas, yeah?
People want to unzip their brains
and spray ideas into our faces!
- Well, that just sounds borderline offensive.
- And who do we want to soak up this idea shower?
- Maybe Leighton, 'cause he's--
- The guy with the most absorbent ears in Valco.
(warbling)
The guy who sits in
the ideas fort.
(imitates gun cocking and firing)
(laughing)
- Welcome back!
- Oh, you daft girl!
- [Linda] How are you feeling?
- Knock it off.
Careful, my tits are red raw.
Little bugger's got teeth now, it's like putting your nips in a vice.
I've got pounds, and his puke is all down my back
and in my hair.
(laughing)
- I thought you'd left me alone, Margaret.
It's not like you to be late.
- Oh, Andy, oh I've been running around
like a scoppadiddle this morning, and then I came in,
and I saw Gavin camping in the shop, and I says to him,
what are you camping in the shop for, Gavin?
And he says, "I'm not camping, Margaret,"
and then he says, "Well, I really must get on."
Well, that reminded me I were late,
so I've come rushing up here and I'm in a right state,
Andy, I really am. - Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, calm down.
What's the matter, love?
- I've not got my ring on. - What?
- It's being cleaned,
it was supposed to be ready this morning, but it's not!
- Why are we whispering?
- If fellas see I'm not wearing it,
they'll think I'm available!
I told you!
- Hello!
- Anna, thought you did your shopping yesterday!
Oh, at work, remember?
- I need to use the computer in your office.
My laptop is broken.
- I tell you,
for someone with such impressive hand-eye coordination,
she's a real butterfingers. You've not spilled coffee on it again!
- Oh, nail varnish!
The man in PC World, he say, "It was the worst thing
"you can spill on the laptop."
(laughing)
And we both laughed!
So, I can use your office, yeah?
- Oh yes, but you must be quick.
- Oh, like a quick, brown fox?
(purring)
- Rawr! - Oh, oh!
(laughing)
- I'm not sure that foxes actually growl, but never mind.
Now, Julie, will you show Anna how to log in?
Anna, will you just look away when Julie types in my details?
- Cross my heart, hope to die, stick a needle,
you know where!
- Oh!
(chuckling)
Nothing below the waist, remember!
- That's not what he said this morning!
- [Neville] Oh, a bit thirsty there, Colin?
- Just lining my stomach, gonna cane it today.
- Oh, big night out, is it?
- My mate's birthday.
She's really looking forward to meeting him,
aren't you, Lis?
- Yeah. - Yeah.
- Meeting each other's friends, that's a big step.
My ex-wife hated all my friends,
apart from my best friend, Mike, who, of course, she ran off with.
Still, you know what they say, Colin?
If you're in love with a beautiful woman, you better watch your friends.
But I'm sure your friend, what was his name?
- Two-Dicks.
- I'm sure that Two-Dicks is not like that.
- Come on guys, there's people waiting there.
- Oh my God, there's no need to shout!
- I didn't.
- Just 'cause you're missing your boyfriend,
no need to take it out on us.
- He's not my boyfriend.
- Uh, not now, he's left.
- Colin? - What?
- Be a mate, and let Lisa serve some customers.
- What have you become?
- [Katie] Monster.
- Do you know, I remember when I had my first breakdown.
I use to suffer from terrible mood swings. - Bloody hell, I'm fine!
- That's what I'm talking about.
- Amazing to think it's just water,
but like, really, really cold.
- Can you pass me a lemon?
- Sorry, mate, crap throw.
Why did you drop that?
It was perfectly good, that. - I can't catch.
- Why not?
- I don't know,
it's my hands, they just don't like surprises.
- (laughing) Mental, that, I'm gonna teach you.
Okay, hands out, like this, yeah?
Just keep your eyes on the lemon as it leaves my hands and ...
- This reminds me of a game I play with Gavin.
I hide and he runs to catch me!
He is like a wild stallion when his blood is up!
- Right, you can look now.
- Coming, ready or not.
- Don't be too long.
Gavin likes to keep this room available at all times.
What is it you're doing anyway?
- Oh, I wanna update my (speaking foreign language),
my resume.
- Oh right, your CV.
Makeup girl, florist, dentist?
- People like a little exaggeration, hmm, it's fun.
Hey, maybe I should apply for a job here.
- If there is a suitable vacancy
for which you're actually qualified, then I'll let you know.
- Hulie, you are a wonderful friend!
(giggling)
- Oh now, that's too much.
- Fishy feet?
- Mm-hmm, you put your feet in a fish tank
and tiny carp come and nibble the tough bits of skin off.
We could put it by the Odor-Eaters in aisle six.
- Well, it's a health and safety nightmare, Leighton.
- But it's also a 12-megaton mind grenade.
- Have you been talking to Richard France? - Mm-hmm, Mr. France said
if I come up with a hundred suggestions,
he'll take me to head office.
I could even work there.
- Just be careful what you wish for, Leighton.
I mean, head office, it's another world.
There's no seating plan on the third floor.
People just go around hot-desking it.
It's anarchy!
- I'm loving that fish idea, Leighton. How many is that now?
- Oh, that's 68, Mr. France.
- Nearly there, buddy, keep going, and remember,
♫ There's no such thing as a bad idea
God, I love that kid!
- Thanks, love.
- It's like a red rag to a bull!
Lusty little devil!
- You just need to give off the right air.
Here's a look I've perfected over the years.
You see?
It says yes, you may admire me from a distance,
but my heart is closed for business, so don't even ...
- Hello, Andrew.
- Sarah, blimey!
How are you?
- Good, and you?
- Yeah, great.
You've left the lid off the hummus pot there, Margaret.
- [Margaret] I don't think I did, Andy.
- Please go and stand over there, Margaret.
- Righty-o.
- Nice cover unit.
Reinforced perspex?
- With a silicate coating.
What are you doing back in Warrington?
- Oh, my aunty died so I'm just back to sort stuff out.
Didn't know if you'd still be working here.
- Well, I keep trying to leave but they keep promoting me.
I'm head butcher now, so that's good.
- Lovely marbling, by the way.
Especially on that sirloin.
Well, I can see you're busy, I just wanted to say hello.
Goodbye, Andrew.
- No, I will not give you a kiss!
- I said quiche!
- I know what I heard!
- M-O-R-I.
- Yes, I know how to spell Morrisons, madam.
I'm just not sure why we'd want one in our Valco store.
- But I like Morrisons!
Don't I get a chocolate? - No.
- You've been stood there ages, Andy.
Is anything the matter?
- Ah, it's nothing, Margaret.
You don't need to know about my troubles.
- Righty-o.
- But since you asked, that woman who was here before,
she's an ex-girlfriend of mine.
I broke her heart when I ended it.
I'm just worried I might have brought back some painful memories.
For her, obviously.
- Was it a long time ago?
- Oh, long, long time ago.
- Ah, she'll be fine then, I won't worry.
- Well, I wouldn't say fine.
I was the love of her life.
- She's probably forgotten all about you by now.
- Yeah, well, let's hope so, eh?
- Well, she definitely didn't look bothered, not one bit.
- Thank you.
- Next!
Actually, forget it, take that, go on, on your way.
Right, take two, go on, keep going.
- Eyes on the lemon, son, eyes on the lemon, yes.
Oh, unlucky, Ray, here we go.
Come on, let's do this! This is the one, this is the one!
Unlucky.
Come on, Ray!
Yes!
(whistling)
- All right? - Yeah.
- Um, oh yes.
What are you wearing tonight?
- Don't know.
- You're not gonna wear that horrible purple top, are you?
You know, the one that pushes your tits out like that?
- Yeah, I am, why?
- But, oh!
Why don't you wear it with the buttons done
right the way up to the top?
- Why?
- It's Two-Dicks, you don't know what he's like.
- Oh, you worried I'll get off with him?
- I'll get up your ass.
- Mm, if you asks nice though.
- You got a nasty little mouth, baby.
Watch it, don't let you wash it out.
Five minutes, warehouse.
- Hmm, make it 10, I need to shit after this pie.
- Gavin, I don't mean to stir,
but Anna's still here.
- Oh, what an idiot!
- I know!
What does she think this is, a cyber-cafe?
- I meant me.
I've over-sharpened my pencil and the point's broken.
I know Anna can be a little vibrant.
That's what I love about her.
I do hope that you'll like her, Julie.
She's very fond of you.
- Oh, and me, her.
I'm just thinking of your reputation, Gavin,
not a very good EG to the troops.
- Oh yes, you're right.
Ow, oh I need a much higher HB than this!
Way too brittle!
- Gavin, are you all right?
You seem very ruffled.
- Some of these suggestions, Julie, look.
Bean bags in the magazine area!
I mean, this isn't America!
- Why don't you take an early lunch?
I think you're probably low on blood sugar.
- Oh, I think you're right, Julie.
(sighing) Things always seem better after a medium-sized jacket potato.
- No, I didn't say we were in love, I said we had a thing.
- A thing?
- You know, the thing.
- Oh, nice.
- Yeah, we used to work together on the meat counter.
I've never known a woman cuts a brisket like her.
I tell you, you could look at it on the slab,
and you'd swear it had been done by a bloke.
- How could you resist?
- Are you talking about your lady friend, Andy?
Oh, it were in a right state, Katie, you should've seen him.
- I was just worried about her.
I haven't seen her since I broke her heart.
- What happened?
- Well, she was offered a job in Scarborough,
and she didn't know whether to take it or not,
so I asked her to marry me.
- You asked her to marry you?
Andy Richmond, the lone wolf?
(chuckling)
- I was just doing it to be nice.
Thank God she said no.
- So, let me get this straight.
You asked her to marry you.
She said no, and then she left?
- Close shave, eh?
Lucky escape from the old (imitates snapping whip).
- Well, that's funny.
You'd think it would be Andy that were heartbroken,
what with her turning him down and that.
But it's not, it's her!
- Yeah, you would think that, Margaret, wouldn't you?
- Yeah, watch the lemon, Ray. Yeah, lovely, Ray.
Yeah, yeah.
Yes!
Yes, Ray!
(yelling)
Yeah, yeah!
(whooshing)
Ha, Ray!
Ah, yeah.
(whooshing)
(grunting)
- What's wrong with you?
(gasping)
No, no, no, no!
- Oh!
Ah, there you go!
You're a natural!
- Thanks, that felt really good.
- Suppose we should get on with some work then.
- [Ray] Yeah.
- Chuck us that cloth, will you?
- Sorry, I can't. - What?
- I can't throw.
- Don't forget to let us know your suggestions
for improving Valco.
Why not drop into the ideas fort
and have a chat with our manager?
(imitating gun firing)
- [Sue] You're in there.
- With ideasbomb.com, nah.
- Why not, he's fey.
- Too cheesy.
- Bet he'd wash it if you asked him.
(laughing)
- That's so wrong!
(laughing)
- Oh, Anna, you're not still here?
- Have you seen the singing cat on YouTube?
He sings the Bee Gees!
- You haven't seen Richard, have you? I really need to find him!
- Oh, my worrier is angry.
Your face is like forged steel.
Come see this.
It will make your face so much better.
- (chuckling) No, no, no, Anna, now is not the time!
Oh, oh no, no.
Well, don't be like that.
- You watch the singing cats, I think about forgiving you.
(patting)
(chuckling)
(meowing)
(laughing)
- Oh, very good, that's very good.
(chuckling)
- Hmm. - Mmm.
- Oh, yes!
Oh, I very much enjoyed that.
Now, I really do need to go and find Richard.
- Goodbye, my love.
- I can assure you, Richard,
that we have never been that intimate before,
on Valco premises before, Richard.
- That's not what I've heard.
- Oh, Richard, look,
I don't want to wave my badge in your face,
but I just think that this whole suggestion thing
has just got way out of hand.
- Gav.
- I know, I know what you're going to say.
- But you are a star.
I know this really wasn't your thing,
but you gave it a go, and I, for one,
think you're a top bloke.
- Well, thank you, thank you, Richard.
That's very kind of you.
- Hey, you're the sheriff of this store.
- What?
- If you've had enough of the ideas fort, then (whooshing).
(imitating gun firing)
It's gone.
(chuckling)
- I really do think it's for the best, Richard.
- Just let me have all the ideas you got today, yeah?
And then I can run them over to Martin in the morning.
- Martin, Martin?
As in Martin Shell?
- We've got a working brunch at head office tomorrow.
He wants to rap about the best suggestions.
It's no biggie.
(meowing)
(laughing)
Is that the cat that sings the Bee Gees?
- Yes, come and see!
(laughing)
- I love this!
(laughing)
- Martin Shell is no fool,
and as soon as he sees those ideas,
he's gonna blow the whole thing out of the water.
And, as Richard says, I am the sheriff of this store,
and I'm sure that that counts as something.
- You're the best goddamn sheriff this side of Warrington.
(imitating gun firing)
- (laughing) Well, thank you there, pardner.
- Why, Sheriff Strong, you're so rugged!
I hope you don't put me across your knee
and tan my rear end!
- Gavster!
One more ideas bomb for you.
(imitating pulling the pin on a grenade)
- Yeah, I think it would've landed by now. (imitating exploding)
- Now, I know you're understaffed at the checkouts.
- Oh, don't tell me you're going to put robots on the tills?
- No, not robots, Anna.
- Anna?
- Hashtag, wow factor!
She's incredible!
- Richard, can you just please do me a favour,
and just don't mention this to Anna. You know, she's very headstrong.
- Oh, isn't it fantastic?
Richard said there are vacancies!
- Yeah, just hold on a minute there, darling.
We really need to talk about this!
- I know what you are going to say,
but it is not your decision.
Hulie does the hiring, don't you, Hulie?
- Well sometimes.
- Yes, so, if Hulie wants me to work here,
then won't you let her decide?
- Well, you are the deputy manager, Hulie, so,
if it's okay with you, then ...
(chuckling nervously)
- Will you marry me?
There you go,
wear that 'til yours comes back from cleaners,
no rapscallion will bother you any more.
- Oh, Andy, you are clever.
- And now that we're wed, time for our first dance.
- Oh!
- Ah, sweet.
♫ La, la, la, la
(chuckling)
- Sarah!
Did you forget something?
- Yeah, I forgot to say that reinforced perspex covers
can sometimes make the meat sweat,
so you should check your ventilation.
- Well, obviously.
- And also, do you fancy a pint after work?
- Uh ...
- Well, I'll just leave you-- - Oh, I'd love to.
- Well, I'll be in the car park.
He always was a good dancer.
- Just doing it for her, maybe she can get some closure.
- No, fuck off. - What?
- No, Lisa, you're not wearing that.
- What? - Fix it!
Are you taking the piss?
You're so annoying, fix it. (laughing)
Fix it! - I am!
- Look at those!
- I know, touch them, kiss them.
(gentle music)
(hammering)
(electronic music)