(snap)
- Valco
- Serves you right.
- I'm quite nervous. - You won't beat our prices.
(laughing)
- Can she stop that now? (gun popping noise) Boom.
- Red hot deals.
- We've got offers on everything from booze to biscuits.
- Load of two for ones.
(laughing)
- We've got fresh produce. - Delivered daily.
- Am I getting paid for this? - Don't forget the Valco tick.
- Valco tick.
- That way.
- Serves you right.
- Valco serves you right.
(music)
- Morning Katie.
- You're in a good mood.
- Ah, had a date with Sarah last night.
Best meal ever.
- Oh, where did you go?
- Go? Oh, no we didn't go anywhere.
No, total waste of money, there.
No we just stayed in and cooked.
She did the starter and the pudding, I did the main.
- That doesn't sound very special.-
- Ah, well I haven't told you the clever bit yet.
After we each cooked a course we hid it.
- Aye, what for?
- Don't knock it til you've tried it.
- And she was okay with this? - It was her idea.
First two courses were easy, I mean, we know each other too well really.
I found her stuffed mushrooms in the washing
machine like that.
- Obviously first place I'd look. Come on then, don't keep me waiting.
Pudding.
- Ah, that was class. I found the tiramisu in a Tupperware box
floating in the water tank.
That's a woman you can respect.
- Fire in the hole.
(click)
(whoosh)
(boom)
- Good grief.
- I'm Valco, what am I doing?
- Oh, being confusing.
- Say what you see.
- Standing still.
- Gooood, but in retail, if you think
you're standing still you're actually moving backwards.
And if you think you're going forwards...
shamow
you're actually standing still.
How do we go forwards? - Phone a taxi?
- We leap.
(laughing)
- Snakes alive.
Valco better is the big leap forward that this store needs.
Yeah, sure, we're gonna hit some bumps along the way.
That's why I got ya this.
(cackling)
It's a squeezy hen, Gav.
If it all gets to much just... (squeaks)
Take it out on the bird.
- Stanley balls.
- Right. Crack on with the suggestion slips.
- All lady members of staff should work on the tills
with their T blank T S out?
- (buzzer noise) Valco is a gender respectful employer.
Next up.
(giggles and claps)
- Tits. It's tits isn't it?
It's tits.
- Make a fast lane with all custom essentials
in one place.
Wow.
Now we're cooking with gas.
(squeak)
- I worry that all we're doing is just throwing
our ideas at the shop.
- Absolutely and seeing what sticks.
That's what Valco better is all about.
Dedicated isle for essential goods.
Dedicated till for the isle.
Who's been on the tills longest?
- Lisa I think.
- Now that might be a little over ambitious.
There's reasons why she's not progressed from the tills.
- Okay, so Lisa it is, right.
I shall start this off with a few of the obvious
essentials.
Bread, milk, olives...
- Olives?
- A key part of the fast lane is
that most items will be chosen by Valco staff.
- I don't think it's a good idea making decisions by committee.
I mean have you seen junction seven on the M six?
- Leighton?
- Yes Dad? Umm, Mr. France.
- Once you've finished here can you take around voting forms?
- After you have done the trolley run.
- Yeah, after... or before.
- I ... ummm...
- No, just do the forms later now.
We all have to embrace the Valco better.
(air kisses)
- Baby I'm here.
Our first day working together.
- Great Caesar's ghost.
(kissing)
- Morning Margaret.
- Oh, Andy, you nearly scared me clean out me shoes.
- Sorry about that Margaret. I'm happy this morning.
Really happy.
- Oh, that's nice.
Have you seen these new tubs they've given me?
You need to be on stilts to get these open.
- You what?
- No, no not stilts ... steroids.
Oh, maybe I should be them on me list.
- Essential items a pushin rubber tea towel holder?
- Oh, ours fell apart.
My Allen used to shove things into it just for fun.
- As far as I'm concerned the only essential is a spoon.
It'll do anything you want it to.
Scrape, measure, carry, hammer.
If you wanted to you could build a house with a spoon.
- Oh, Andy you must have hands like steel claws.
- Anything to make you happy Margaret.
Happy like me.
Margaret, just ask me why I'm happy.
- Andy, why you're happy?
- Because I am in love.
- Well, that's nice.
Would you believe it?
It won't go back on now.
(grunts)
- Ladies, you're forms that will make Valco better.
Exciting.
- Well alright, what we got to do?
- Um, so just write down your list of essential items here.
I put down more forms, but I'm beginning to think
that might not be right.
So, careful now.
- Did you have a date last night? - Oh, waste of time.
- Well, go on, tell us.
- Well, he looked okay.
Got a decent job, nice car I suppose.
Went to that new italian.
Oh, and he paid.
- What the hell was wrong with him?
- He wanted me to call him daddy.
- He what?
- And sit on his knee.
Creepy.
- You didn't did ya?
- Once but it didn't feel right.
- Lisa.
This is supposed to be a fast lane,
so could you go, you know, a little bit faster?
- No.
- Well, just for me could you pretend
you're gonna try to go a little bit faster?
- Hmmm.... no.
But you could pretend that I'm going to if you like.
(laughing)
- Katie
- Yeah
- If ever Lisa's not available I could go on that till.
I could do with the extra money. - There's no extra money, Neville.
- Ah, it's just that my ex's chasing me
for maintenance.
Apparently she and Mike want to go to Centerbox.
That doesn't come cheap.
- I'm sorry there's no extra shifts.
- Ah, well, I supposed I could always sell my wedding ring.
Yeah, I've been holding onto it.
A little reminder that Venessa and I did have some happy times.
Apparently she sold hers.
Bought Mike an absolutely smashing set of golf clubs.
- Ah.
- Lucky fella.
Oh well, never mind.
You know, this has been my lucky charm.
- Oh.
Right.
- Oh, um, form.
- Leighton, how's tricks?
- I had a hamster called tricks,
because it's like poor Daniel's, but it died.
(laughing)
- It's a good one.
So any new ideas from my number one employee?
- Ah, yeah, yeah wow.
I have got another idea, yeah. - Shoot dot com.
- Have you seen the documentary where some people
follow the yellow brick road to find the wizard?
- Hey, we paint the fast lane
to mark it out as something special.
That is brilliant.
- Wow. Again.
Oh, you see, usually when I tell Gavin
about my ideas he says no. Every time, actually.
- Empower yourself.
Just get on and do it.
Paint our yellow brick road.
Right, I'm gonna bounce.
If anyone needs me I shall be in Inspirationville.
- I was going to say we should have an indoor wizard,
but ... but that's good too.
- It's pretty straight forward, really.
You scan the items, press cash, and then take the payment.
- Look at me, I'm on till.
- Right now you scan the items.
- What is this, this stupid thing?
- It's a cauliflower. (cackles)
- Stupid ma'am.
It is not a flower.
I call this one a cabin.
If you get my meaning.
And as you are one of my friend,
you can have your shopping completely free.
- Oh, no, that's not how it works.
- How about a little cash back.
We don't have to tell anyone.
- Are you sure you're cut out for retail?
- Of course.
- There you go my love.
- Lisa and that new fast till, what a combination.
- You know what you need... - I'm sure you're gonna tell me.
- Love. You can't beat it.
- He's as happy as a side bug, Katie.
He's in love.
- You?
You're always telling Karen that men are better off by themselves.
- Nonsense, everyone needs a soulmate.
Hey, and the sex is great and all.
- Please don't.
- Oh, yes, we've done it all.
The wheelbarrow, the dutch barge, prison guard,
the letter T, you wouldn't think it
but I'm surprisingly flexible for a big lad.
- Oh God.
- Yeah, I'll tell you what though, you wanna be careful.
You're not getting any younger. - You are.
- The best ones are all snapped up by 25.
If a girl's still alone then,
it's cause she's one of the seven dwarves of singledom.
- Don't bother.
- Needy, chubby, mardy, shouty, naggy, bitter...
And the one everyone forgets ...
Drunk - Drunk.
- Unbelievable.
- It only hurts cause it's true.
Now why don't you let your uncle Andrew set you up.
- Absolutely not.
- I've got someone in mind.
Single Mike.
- Oh, he sounds perfect Katie. - Yeah, no wonder he's called that.
Andy no way.
- You like travel.
He's just come back from six weeks bricklaying in Germany.
- No way.
- I'll text him anyway.
- Honest that woman, Anna, unbelievable.
- I like her.
- What?
You don't like anybody.
- I like her, she's a laugh, and she's not stuck up.
- Yes, alright Lisa.
- You know I'm not a lesbian, right,
but if I had to lez up to anyone it'd be her.
(laughing)
- Oh, oh, oh, oh, fuck off.
That is mental.
- Well, no, it's so customers don't get lost.
They can follow it from here
all the way to the end of the isle to the fast lane till.
- Jesus, the till that's just there?
At the end of the fast lane?
- Ah, no, no, don't pretend you knew that already.
(laughing)
Oh, no wrong way madam.
Would you mind going to the end and then coming back round again.
(stutters)
(squeaks)
(knocking on the door)
- I'm just dropping off my essential items form.
- Thank you Neville.
Um, plasters and insect repellent.
Well, I'm not sure they're strictly
essential are they Neville? - They are for me.
I'm like the pied piper of wasps.
(knock)
- Well, thank you, thank you, Neville.
Honestly it's just typical of Richard France.
Just to leave us with this nonsense
and swan off to who knows where.
And some of the things people think are essential.
- I have very few daily needs.
I mean sometimes just a banana and a bottle of wine.
- Well, I'll add them to the list.
- Let the lucky lady sit down. I've been talking to single Mike.
- I'm not going on a date.
- Don't be so hasty, he's a very successful man.
He has one of them radar keys
that unlocks every disabled toilet.
They're like gold dust, them.
- I am not going.
- Typical, try an help someone
and that's the thanks you get.
- Don't supposed you have any lady friends who might be interested in a date?
They would have to bring their own dinner, though, I'm afraid.
- Short of a few quid?
- I'll say.
Did you know I've been reading about a fella in Japan
who you can pay to punch.
And I thought I might give that a go. Fiver a thump do you think?
Worth a try.
- Essential items isn't it.
- Tissues, tissues, tissues.
- Yeah, that's my morning routine isn't it.
Bosh one out, have a shit, bosh another one out.
- It's like working in a safari park sometimes.
Alice in wonderland.
Are you responsible for this Lane?
- Yeah, Mr. France asked me to do it.
- Honestly that man's gonna realise that I'm still the manager of this shop.
- You are the manager, but he's brilliant.
- Well, I don't about that later, now you know,
I don't like to bad mouth anyone but
just remember not all that glitters is gold.
- Right, what bout actual gold?
- Obviously actual gold it will be gold.
But it's very hard to tell the difference which is why you have to be very careful.
- Like if someone offers you magic beans.
- Yes, yes, very like that, yes.
Richard France.
- Anna, this shows you've sold a lot of chewing gum.
- Is when I get something without bar code,
I just scan the gum til I get about the right price.
Blip, blip, blip.
- You can't do that, that's not how it works.
- It is, I can show you if you like.
(register blipping)
- Just stop it.
(giggling)
- Hi. Have you heard the rumours?
- No.
- No?
Richard France thinks you're a genius mate.
Like Rainman or some other.
- Oh really, he'd put me on the TV weather?
- No, I reckin' you're in line for a promotion, mate.
And, don't say anything, I think he wants to adopt you.
- Wow, really, that's best thing ever.
Mom always said I'd have a real dad one day.
- I know, just shhh.
Between me and you.
- Come on.
- Excuse me, excuse me.
Oh, sorry.
I need to talk to you about Anna.
I think she's struggling.
- Julie, this isn't a good time.
This fast lane is really tying me up in knots.
- If you ask me there's too much change around here.
Like bringing in Anna.
- No, I really think the problem is the fast lane.
- Or Anna.
- Except it is actually the fast lane. - Or Anna.
- No really it is the fast lane.
- There you go mate.
Best of both worlds, really, living with my mum
cause she does everything for me,
but I've got my own room so
it's sort like I've got my own place.
Do you live with your parents? - No, they live somewhere else.
But I used to, as a child.
- So you're on your own then, or is there a special someone?
- You mean like a doctor?
- What? No like a girlfriend.
- No I haven't got a girlfriend,
there's these girls at school
I used to talk to them sometimes. - Chat them up, that sort of thing.
- Yeah, I used to say stuff like, Hi Lisa.
That was for Lisa.
I used to say Hi Ruth.
- For Ruth.
Yeah, what did they say?
- Nothing. I never said it out loud.
- So, has Sarah got her dressing gown
on the back of your bedroom door?
- Dressing gowns, a coat that's also a towel, do me a favour.
Anyways, it's not worth it.
She's going back to Scarborough next week.
- Will you be having one of those long distance relationships then?
- No, no way.
If you're in Warrington and
you want some sausages you're
not going 129 miles for them are ya?
- What are you gonna do?
- I don't know.
I supposed it'll be over.
- What you talking about?
- Andy Richmond never returns to a lit firework.
- You can't break it off.
- What else can we do? Our hands are tied.
- But she's made you so happy.
It seems a shame.
- I'll be fine.
I'm a very practical man, the Fred Dibner of love.
- But Andy...
- Really Margaret, I need to get on now.
- Right, so let's pretend I'm a woman.
- Okay, so what you wearing?
- Don't know... a dress, a lovely red dress
and I'm really fit, yeah.
Hello there, my name's Belle.
- Hello Belle. You have a strange name.
- It's short for Belles.
Come on, keep the track going.
- I really like your red dress.
- Thank you.
- Did you make it yourself?
- Oh, what sort of question is that?
- I told you I'm not very good at talking to women.
- Just try to find something out about me.
- Yeah, okay, how long can you
hold your head under water, Dave? - No, no, no, not about me, about Belle.
About me, you silly sausage.
- How much do you weigh?
- How dare you?
- Belle, don't be like that, Belle.
Talk to me Belle.
- She's dead.
- No.
- She killed herself.
She was really touchy about her weight.
- Belle.
What have I done?
(hen squeaks)
- Gavin.
Are you alright?
- I need to sort this out.
I need to sort it right now.
Right, everyone listen to me please. Lane, you can stop that.
Coriander humus is no longer essential.
Neither are antibacterial wipes, three amp fuses, and
butter enriched shortbread mini fingers.
- Oh, Gavin.
- Now, I'm sorry to come bursting in here,
but we're trying to be something we're not.
This is Warrington.
These are our essential items, bread, milk, eggs...
- Excuse me where's pickle?
- Just down there love. Sugar and toilet rolls.
- How about small chunk.
- Isle nine.
Potatoes, butter and washing up liquid.
- Medium chunk?
- Listen, I don't think they make them,
will you just follow the yellow brick road.
Rice, baked beans, pepper and salt,
and the rest you can stack up neatly in this trolley.
Now, anyone want to shoot morale.
Back at the front Julie.
(hen squeaks)
Back at the front.
(horn honks)
- Oops, sorry, it's wrong way.
(honks)
It's wrong way.
(honks)
Sorry sir it's a one way system.
(honks)
Love it, Leighton, love it.
- It's just in case people want us to help them.
- Brilliant, nearest ally hears the horn,
comes to help.
- Yeah, could be for that too.
- Hey, you keep up the good work like this,
you could end up in head office.
It's a winner Gav.
- Well to be fair, it only
started working after I rearranged... - But this is just the start.
We've got to go bigger.
Valco Better is only in first gear.
We're going to put it in hundredth gear.
- Well I think anything over six gears is still rather unusual.
So, um, when you went out for the day
did you pop into head office, or...
- I spent the day at a theme park Gav.
You know, riding the rides, looking for new ideas.
People love it there.
We need to rub some of that love onto retail.
- You don't suggest we get a rollercoaster are you?
- It's a thought Gav.
Whhheeee, ahhhh. The Valcoaster.
Boom
- Horse's rear.
- Come on Andy, Chris starts in half an hour.
- Hello, love, you're not trying to tell me
he's allowed you onto his pub quiz team?
That's a graphic memory me.
I'm telling ya when I close these eyes it's like clicking a camera shutter.
Click, click.
(laughing)
You alright?
- Course I am, yeah.
Come on then fall of Singapore.
- Easy February 15, 1942.
- Oh, 1943 I think.
I'm kidding, I'm kidding.
- Whoosh, woosh, woosh.
- Alright, three pounds 50, but not in the face.
- Deal, car park, go.
Bam, bam.
(music)
(register printing)
(till ringing)
(man grunts)
(music)