(upbeat music)
- Valco.
- Serves you right. - I'm quite nervous.
- You won't beat our prices. (laughing)
- Can she stop that now? - Fish and ticks.
- Red hot deals.
- Offers on everything from booze to biscuits.
- Loads of two for ones.
- (vocalises) Boom.
- Fresh produce.
- Delivered daily. - Am I getting paid for this?
- Don't forget the Valco tick. - Oh, Valco tick.
- That way.
- Serves you right.
- Valco, serves you right.
- [All] Valco, serves you right.
- Oh, not long before the big opening. (laughs)
I think I've actually got goosebumps.
- Yeah, well, I wish I felt the same way, Julie,
but it's all so different.
There's no signs on the aisles.
And those stools, they're slightly higher than you'd expect.
- It's not all that different, just spruced up and shiny.
- We've got a coffee bar that sells sushi.
I suppose we could be thankful the sushi's
not revolving round the room on a conveyor belt.
- Oh, imagine, a little train for dead fish.
Poo-poo.
- Nice idea, J-Dog.
It could go round the whole store, couldn't it?
- An in-store train?
That's insanity on stilts.
- Gav, I'm only joking.
- Thank goodness for that. - Or am I?
No, I am, I'm joking.
Or am I?
(laughing)
- Richard, please, please. I'm confused enough as it is.
We should've opened 20 minutes ago.
- We're building up the buzz, Gav.
(squealing)
(laughing)
Right, these are the forms for customer feedback.
I'm about to land a mega-celeb to launch this ship in style.
- Who's it going to be?
- It's TBC.
- Oh, I love boy bands.
- Er, I think that means to be confirmed.
So, Richard, Lady Gaga wasn't available after all, then?
- Turned her down, Gav. She didn't really say Valco Better to me.
Believe me, Jules, we're getting someone huge.
Hashtag.
♫ I'm gonna be an A List
♫ I'm an A List, baby
(phone ringing)
Oh, speak of the devil, he shall call you from his limo.
Lionel, hello.
Is it me you're looking for?
- It only just reaches now 'cause I did a few practise runs,
cutting it at different angles. It kept getting shorter.
I think it was definitely worth it. What do you think?
- Yeah, perfect, mate.
Perfect.
- My daughter had a party at mine last night.
I woke up covered in pen.
Even bleach won't shift it.
Dear me.
- If she were my daughter I would take off my belt
and beat her like a donkey.
- Oh, it's quite nice having some company in the flat.
You know, her and her new boyfriend, MC Poison.
Lovely guy.
I'm on the floor, I've given them the bed.
You know, I never realised before how much it creaks.
- Hey, Julie, have you come to get your knife?
You know, the one you stabbed in my back,
and then twisted through my broken heart.
- If this is about Gavin--
- I have seen you talking to him this morning,
with your mouth.
- I have to talk to him somehow.
He is my manager.
- Yes.
Not your lover, your guide, your never-ending master.
- Should press on, lots to do.
- There you go.
- Oh, what you doing?
Texting Lord Sugar? (laughs)
- No, I applied for a job last week
so I'm just checking my emails. - Oh, what's the job?
- Psychology assistant.
You know, like doing tests in hospitals and prisons and stuff.
- Oh, I visited a boyfriend in prison once.
Now, they tell you to dress down so you don't make the prisoners all horny.
There was a proper riot and everything.
Someone even got stabbed.
- Oh, God.
- Colin says my tits should be banned. (laughs)
- Ladies.
I've got some breaking news.
- You what?
- It's time to roll out customer service 2.0.
Okay, here's the deal. I like your Tannoy announcements, hm,
but I need to love them.
So I've punched up your scripts a little bit.
We need to grab people's attention from the get-go.
Give it a whirl.
- Help, help, I'm dying.
- Dying?
- Dying to tell customers about Valco Better.
- Love it.
Remember, bags of energy, loads of fun.
Boom!
- Richard, listen, I've been thinking.
Look, it's not too late to change the sushi idea.
Now, a couple of sizes of jacket potato would--
- [Richard] Get in!
Ha-ha-ha.
Look at this.
Amazing.
France, you're a bloody genius.
- Ah-ha!
Guilty as charged.
- The most expensive refit in Valco history.
And I love it.
Sliding doors, nice touch.
- Actually, they're the same doors.
I hope your head's strapped onto your neck, Shelly,
'cause your mind is about to get blown.
- He talks like this all the time.
I love it. (laughs) (phone ringing)
- If this is who I think it is,
you're all going to shit a house full of bricks.
Arnie.
I want your clothes, your boots, and your motorcycle.
- So, Martin, how's old gang back at head office?
Liz Spinks, Jerry Hoyle, good old Graham Banday?
"Hello, my name's Graham Banday."
(laughing)
- Retired, retired, sacked.
- Can I help you with your shopping experience today?
- You all right, Margaret?
- Oh, David, I'm as nervous as a goose.
I've got to go and do that meet and greet thing.
- You know what the best thing to do is when you're nervous?
Shake out the tension, like this.
- Oh, I don't know.
- Just try a small one.
- Oh yeah, that feels better.
Oh, why don't you try one, Ray?
- I don't really want to.
- Yeah, but you're always tense. Go on, shake it out.
- I'm not tense either.
- Yeah, just imagine something's really winding you up.
- Like what?
- I don't know, a person. Imagine a someone who's really
really, really, really annoying.
Shake it out.
- [Both] Shake it out.
Shake it out.
- Yeah.
- Shake it out. - That's it, Ray.
- [Both] Shake it out.
Shake it out.
Come on, shake it out.
Shake it out.
- I can't read this out, it's embarrassing.
It's like acting or something.
You see, I don't mind, 'cause I was always the lead in the school plays.
They said I was a natural. - You can act?
- Yeah, watch me.
- What's that?
- Shock.
- Do another one.
- Is that shock again?
- No, it's anger.
(laughing)
- Ladies and gents, please give a very warm welcome
to a very special person.
- [Woman] Oh God, just get out the way. - Actress, model, entrepreneur.
- [Woman] Get off!
- FHM sexiest woman in the world.
- [Woman] Just move! - Boom, Kelly Brook.
Oh God, they can't take photos.
Image rights.
Can you make sure you collect all of those camera phones?
- Er, yeah, I'll see what I can do.
Er, no photos.
- Right, can we get on with this before the paps realise I'm here.
They're obsessed with me, everyone is. - Yeah, tell me about it.
- Oh yeah, we'll just do a quick speech,
maybe some tour of the store.
- Oh, for fuck's sake, really?
- Okay.
So welcome to a new dawn.
To Ground Zero.
Page one, chapter one of the new book of retail.
- I just need some eggs, mate. - Do you know what, you're right.
Enough with the speeches already. Let's launch this bitch.
- Now if I could just say a few-- - This is no longer Valco.
This is Valco Better.
- I pronounce this supermarket open.
Blah-blah-blah.
Can you just wait one second? (crowd applauding)
- [Linda] Fire!
There's a fire in the store!
- No, Linda, that's just the heat
from the red hot bargains at Valco Better.
- Shall we, my love?
Nope?
- You done your list?
- Huh?
- Wedding invites.
- Hang on a minute.
I thought we said no one we've ever shagged.
Hello, hello.
Oh, hello, hello.
- Yeah, well, we don't want the place empty.
How about no one we've shagged in the last two years, yeah?
- All right.
- Huh? - Mm.
- Best man reporting for duty.
Sorry, I'd have come over sooner, but I've been people-watching.
The customers are absolutely
blown away by Valco Better.
You're welcome.
Anyway, I've looked into things you'll need for your wedding,
and apparently one of them's food.
- Yeah, don't know what we want.
- I'm happy to help, I just don't know where to start.
- How about I let you finish off the bloody stacking
and it can give you some ideas?
- Wow, thanks. - All right?
You're welcome.
- Peas, peas.
Peas.
- The trouble with stalkers is the more you tell them
to piss off, the more they just take it as encouragement.
(laughing)
- Ah, Margaret.
- Oh hello.
- Do the routine, Margaret.
- No, I'm waiting for the celebrity.
- No, Margaret, this is our celebrity.
This is Kelly Brook.
- What, this one?
A lady celebrity? (laughs)
Oh, deary me, whatever next?
Welcome to Valco.
May I ask if I can help you
with your shopping experience today?
- Oh no, thank you.
I think I'll just take one of these.
- That's a very good choice.
- Yes, that is a good choice, but just to be clear,
you will have to pay for that.
- (laughs) Yeah, nice one. - Don't sweat it, babe.
We'll just dock the money out of Gavin's wages.
(laughing)
- What?
- No, I'm joking, I'm joking.
Or am I?
- Look, I'll buy them for you, Kelly.
You can have anything you want, you know, and I mean--
- No, I know what you're thinking.
And the answer is no.
It will never, ever happen.
- That's a wonderful choice.
- But do you have any Battenberg?
- No, but we do have salmon teriyaki,
and who can resist spicy pepper squid?
- Oh, I've had quite enough of this su-shit.
- This is the--
- [Man In Wheelchair] Excuse me. - Oh, come on, come on.
- [Man In Wheelchair] Thank you.
The break out zone.
Konnichiwa, welcome to the break out zone.
I'm delighted, nay, proud to be your server today.
And may I say, I am quite a fan of all your work.
- Oh, thank you, Neville.
- Yes, in fact, your calendar hangs upon my kitchen wall.
Which I must say is very tasteful.
Although some of the corsets are a tad restrictive.
- (laughs) Oh, you're so sweet.
Most blokes are just trying to jump me. - Ah yes, not much of a jumper.
- I don't wish to be negative but do you really
need two people here when, you know,
you could have Neville on the tills where he belongs.
- Two words Gav, iPhone.
Remember when it launched, everyone said,
WTF, I just want a phone, stop twisting my melons, Apple.
Cut to today, everybody's got one.
- I haven't.
- Point proved.
Look, when it comes to what customers want,
there are things that they know
and things that they don't know.
And then things that they don't know that they don't know.
And they don't know that they love coffee and sushi.
Oh, that's minging.
- Right, if we're all done here, time for a liquid lunch.
On me, of course, Kelly?
- Is Neville going to come? - No, he's not.
- I don't normally drink during the daytime,
but I suppose I could risk a bitter top.
- Actually, Gav, I think you're better off here
holding the fort.
- I see.
- Right, let's crack.
- Kelly.
- Oh, and Gav, everything's fine, all right?
Don't change anything.
- Two?
Out of 10?
- Okay, 10.
- 10, thank you.
Gavin, some customers are so dim
they don't even see this is a Better Valco.
- Oh, frankly, I'm not sure that it is better.
Have you seen the queues here on the tills?
It's like a Dire Straits concert.
- Gavin, is it really that bad?
I mean, I know things are a little different.
- This is bedlam.
It's worse than Easter weekend 2009.
Oh Julie, will you jump on the tills for me?
- Well, I would, but Richard wants me here doing feedback.
- Yeah, well, then that man has no grasp of management hierarchy.
I am manager of this store and it's my job to make Valco Better work.
Unfortunately.
- Are you having one of your alpha male moments again?
(giggles) You're like a rufty-tufty Viking.
I expect you're going to bundle me into a hut
and shake my hand for a job well done.
- I think the Vikings were a little more aggressive than that, Julie.
Anyway, look let's just not dwell on historical accuracy.
We need a plan of action.
- [Linda] Look out, there's a bomb in the store.
- [Sue] No, Linda, that's just the explosive feeling
of shopping at Valco Better.
- Hell's doorbells!
- Hold on, how come you're saying more than me?
- Just a coincidence, innit?
- If you say so.
- What, so you should have the best lines? - Yeah, well, I sound more real.
You're a bit, you know, panto.
- Panto?
- Look, are you ready or not?
Aah!
- Don't panic, Sue, Valco Better is open seven days a week,
eight till late, including bank holidays!
- Right.
No more of those, please, ladies. Just get back to the old routine.
- I told ya, panto.
- Can I tempt you with some salted carp?
The perfect accompaniment to a steaming mug of milky coffee.
Yeah, well, all the more for us, then.
Do you know, I might take some of these leftovers
and eat them in the car.
My daughter, she doesn't like me eating in front of her.
She says she can't stand the way I chew.
Kids, eh?
They do, they say the funniest things. (laughs)
- I see you've got plenty of time for laughing and joking, Neville.
- Oh, well, you know me, I always like to find the silver lining.
- Sold anything?
- No, not yet.
- I knew it, the sushi's a disaster. It's like the Bay of Pigs all over again.
Right, Neville, close this down and jump on the tills for me, will ya?
- Well, you never know, it might pick up, we might sell--
- Neville, just do it, will you?
I've had enough of your endless barracking.
- Oh Gavin, I love it when you're busting
other men's balls like that.
You are a raging bull and I want to ride you forever.
- That's a super idea, Anna,
but I am rather tied up at the moment.
- Tied up is good.
- Gavin, I need your help.
There's a lady stuck up a stool.
- What?
- Always hanging round, aren't you, Julie, hm?
But you will never win.
Did you want to know how I know my Gavin loves me?
- Not really, thanks.
- It's the feeling I get when he explodes inside me,
like a shaken-up bottle of coke.
Do you get my meaning?
- Yes, I think you made your point more than adequately, thank you.
- She got up but she can't get down again.
It's her hip.
- Oh dear.
Um, let me see if I can get you down. - What happened to all the proper chairs?
- Well, I'm afraid that our head madman
has rather unconventional ideas about that sort of thing.
- But we want a sit down and a cup of tea.
Why can't we have what we want?
- If you can wait here just for a few minutes,
I'm going to sort this out.
- Gavin, what are we doing?
- He just lay there on the bed, cold as ice.
I mean, 65 is no age these days, is it?
- Oh, that's an excellent choice.
- Apologies for this, but I'm going to have to move Margaret onto bag packing.
So come with me, please, Margaret.
It's absolute chaos, Margaret.
I'm going to put you on eight, might be nine.
Now, it's going to be dangerous but you'll be all right.
- I don't understand. What are we doing?
- Julie, have I ever told you about my tiny inner voice?
- It doesn't tell you to attack women with hammers, does it?
- No, it doesn't, Julie.
Normally it says things like, have that third Hobnob
and there'll be hell to pay on the scales.
There you go.
But recently I've not wanted to hear what it's been saying.
Valco Better is wrong.
Do you know what, Julie?
We had an old lady down there wedged in a bar stool
and we were offering her raw fish. Now that's not right.
- You're not going to change it all back?
- All of it, Julie, I have to.
I can't ignore my tiny inner voice any more.
- Oh, Gavin, don't you think you might be overreacting?
You could just let it carry on.
Let Richard and Martin Shell see that it's not working.
- No, Julie.
In every man's life there is a time to act.
And that time is now.
- MC Poison's bringing his whole crew round tonight for another shindig.
- Right.
- My daughter says it's going to be so busy,
there won't be any room for me.
I've offered to sleep in the car. (laughs)
- I heard it's going to be like minus five tonight.
- Oh, it's okay.
I once spent a whole winter in that car.
Do you know, I'm really beginning to feel
like I'm head of the family again.
- Oh.
- Oh, dear God.
- What is it?
- It's my wife.
It's my ex wife.
Hello, darling.
- You selfish little shit. Keeping my daughter away from me.
- Well, to be fair, I think she came of her own free will.
- Fair?
Nothing's ever fair with you. - Darling, I know you're angry, but--
- Angry?
Too right I'm angry.
I want money, compensation for the loss of my daughter,
or your life won't be worth living, okay?
- Understood.
- And Mike says you've still not fixed the lawnmower.
- No problem, I shall pop round
to the house tomorrow to have a look.
Ooh, got off lightly there.
- What a bitch.
- Oh, you should see her when she's properly angry.
Usually she goes straight for the car and slashes the tyres.
Or slaps me in the, oh, there we go.
(laughing)
- Let's just take the weight off.
Now please enjoy a complimentary cup of tea
and jacket potato for your trouble.
They really are top notch.
- Well, that's lovely, thank you very much.
- My pleasure.
Ah, Leighton, will you just do me a favour and just cordon off all those high stools?
We're going to make this shop sane again.
- We're making Valco Better better?
- Oh, lovely.
Gone for the yellow, lovely. There's Valco green, as well.
Come through, madam.
Hi, Anita. - Hi.
Now that's better.
- Uh, is Neville here.
- No, sorry.
- Pen.
Pen!
Do you mind giving him something from me?
- Uh, yes, yes, okay.
- Come on.
- [Richard] When I invented touch screen, I said,
just get rid of the buttons.
They tried to section me. - That's incredible that.
- Whoa!
- What's the matter, France?
- What's happened to the wancing?
Totally should have been wanced off by now.
Are they office chairs in the break out zone?
Where's the sushi? There's no fucking sushi.
- Don't forget we've a two for one offer
on Mexican and Italian food in our ready meals section.
- Gavin Strong dot com forward slash arse kick.
You've got to help me understand this, Gav.
'Cause earlier I'm sure I remember telling you
not to change anything.
- You did, yes.
But I decided, in the light of events,
that I should use my judgement and my experience to--
(yawning)
You didn't see the chaos.
It was like a Primark.
- This is exactly what I was talking about over lunch.
- You're bang out of order, Gavin.
- Honestly, if you'd have seen what it was like,
you'd have done the same thing.
Customers weren't happy.
We were teetering on the knife edge of an actual revolt.
- Wow, that's really interes (snoring).
Julie, what do the forms say?
- Well, it's not an accurate cross section.
- Come on, Jules.
Average customer score.
- 8.5.
♫ Ba-dam ba-dam bam bam
- Boof.
There's even an 11 on here.
- To be fair, that was Leighton.
- Either way, great stats.
- People like you can make statistics say anything you like.
In fact, you've probably got a statistic to say
how easy it is to fiddle statistics.
- Julie, will you give us a minute, please?
- You're tired, Gavin.
Have a couple of weeks off. Take your little bike out for a spin
or whatever it is you do.
- Enforced holiday?
- And don't worry about it back here.
Because both France and June have very capable hands.
- There's really no need.
Martin, you know that I can do it.
- Sorry, Gav.
You brought this on yourself.
I'm with Martin here.
- Or are ya?
(laughing)
- Yes, I am.
- Oh, what a day.
- Yes indeed.
Oh, a lady came in to look for you and she--
- Yeah, she found me, unfortunately.
- Oh?
You don't want to see her? - Heavens, no.
Nightmare woman. - Oh, okay.
(sneezing)
(slow music)
(upbeat music)
(mid-tempo music)