1 00:00:00,056 --> 00:00:01,140 (upbeat music) 2 00:00:01,240 --> 00:00:01,973 - Valco. 3 00:00:02,073 --> 00:00:03,639 - Serves you right. - I'm quite nervous. 4 00:00:03,739 --> 00:00:05,578 - You won't beat our prices. (laughing) 5 00:00:05,678 --> 00:00:08,489 - Can she stop that now? - Fish and ticks. 6 00:00:08,589 --> 00:00:09,597 - Red hot deals. 7 00:00:09,697 --> 00:00:11,944 - Offers on everything from booze to biscuits. 8 00:00:12,044 --> 00:00:13,873 - Loads of two for ones. 9 00:00:13,973 --> 00:00:16,010 - (vocalises) Boom. 10 00:00:16,110 --> 00:00:16,843 - Fresh produce. 11 00:00:16,943 --> 00:00:18,734 - Delivered daily. - Am I getting paid for this? 12 00:00:18,734 --> 00:00:20,951 - Don't forget the Valco tick. - Oh, Valco tick. 13 00:00:21,051 --> 00:00:21,784 - That way. 14 00:00:21,884 --> 00:00:22,868 - Serves you right. 15 00:00:22,968 --> 00:00:24,778 - Valco, serves you right. 16 00:00:24,878 --> 00:00:27,545 - [All] Valco, serves you right. 17 00:00:30,290 --> 00:00:33,486 - Oh, not long before the big opening. (laughs) 18 00:00:33,586 --> 00:00:35,266 I think I've actually got goosebumps. 19 00:00:35,266 --> 00:00:36,533 - Yeah, well, I wish I felt the same way, Julie, 20 00:00:36,533 --> 00:00:37,802 but it's all so different. 21 00:00:37,902 --> 00:00:39,799 There's no signs on the aisles. 22 00:00:39,899 --> 00:00:43,268 And those stools, they're slightly higher than you'd expect. 23 00:00:43,368 --> 00:00:47,185 - It's not all that different, just spruced up and shiny. 24 00:00:47,285 --> 00:00:49,898 - We've got a coffee bar that sells sushi. 25 00:00:49,998 --> 00:00:51,278 I suppose we could be thankful the sushi's 26 00:00:51,278 --> 00:00:53,866 not revolving round the room on a conveyor belt. 27 00:00:53,966 --> 00:00:57,002 - Oh, imagine, a little train for dead fish. 28 00:00:57,102 --> 00:00:57,958 Poo-poo. 29 00:00:58,058 --> 00:00:59,641 - Nice idea, J-Dog. 30 00:01:00,887 --> 00:01:02,640 It could go round the whole store, couldn't it? 31 00:01:02,640 --> 00:01:03,641 - An in-store train? 32 00:01:03,741 --> 00:01:05,318 That's insanity on stilts. 33 00:01:05,418 --> 00:01:06,778 - Gav, I'm only joking. 34 00:01:06,878 --> 00:01:09,402 - Thank goodness for that. - Or am I? 35 00:01:09,502 --> 00:01:10,272 No, I am, I'm joking. 36 00:01:10,372 --> 00:01:11,212 Or am I? 37 00:01:11,312 --> 00:01:12,158 (laughing) 38 00:01:12,258 --> 00:01:14,566 - Richard, please, please. I'm confused enough as it is. 39 00:01:14,666 --> 00:01:16,519 We should've opened 20 minutes ago. 40 00:01:16,619 --> 00:01:18,801 - We're building up the buzz, Gav. 41 00:01:18,901 --> 00:01:20,897 (squealing) 42 00:01:20,997 --> 00:01:23,247 (laughing) 43 00:01:25,103 --> 00:01:27,937 Right, these are the forms for customer feedback. 44 00:01:28,037 --> 00:01:32,384 I'm about to land a mega-celeb to launch this ship in style. 45 00:01:32,484 --> 00:01:33,768 - Who's it going to be? 46 00:01:33,868 --> 00:01:35,000 - It's TBC. 47 00:01:35,100 --> 00:01:36,641 - Oh, I love boy bands. 48 00:01:36,741 --> 00:01:38,802 - Er, I think that means to be confirmed. 49 00:01:38,902 --> 00:01:42,791 So, Richard, Lady Gaga wasn't available after all, then? 50 00:01:42,891 --> 00:01:46,335 - Turned her down, Gav. She didn't really say Valco Better to me. 51 00:01:46,435 --> 00:01:48,230 Believe me, Jules, we're getting someone huge. 52 00:01:48,230 --> 00:01:48,963 Hashtag. 53 00:01:49,063 --> 00:01:51,108 ♫ I'm gonna be an A List 54 00:01:51,208 --> 00:01:53,265 ♫ I'm an A List, baby 55 00:01:53,365 --> 00:01:54,098 (phone ringing) 56 00:01:54,198 --> 00:01:57,315 Oh, speak of the devil, he shall call you from his limo. 57 00:01:57,415 --> 00:01:58,582 Lionel, hello. 58 00:02:00,142 --> 00:02:02,475 Is it me you're looking for? 59 00:02:05,023 --> 00:02:06,934 - It only just reaches now 'cause I did a few practise runs, 60 00:02:06,934 --> 00:02:09,183 cutting it at different angles. It kept getting shorter. 61 00:02:09,183 --> 00:02:12,644 I think it was definitely worth it. What do you think? 62 00:02:12,744 --> 00:02:14,756 - Yeah, perfect, mate. 63 00:02:14,856 --> 00:02:15,689 Perfect. 64 00:02:20,288 --> 00:02:22,171 - My daughter had a party at mine last night. 65 00:02:22,271 --> 00:02:23,884 I woke up covered in pen. 66 00:02:23,984 --> 00:02:25,455 Even bleach won't shift it. 67 00:02:25,555 --> 00:02:26,288 Dear me. 68 00:02:26,388 --> 00:02:28,226 - If she were my daughter I would take off my belt 69 00:02:28,226 --> 00:02:29,983 and beat her like a donkey. 70 00:02:30,083 --> 00:02:32,447 - Oh, it's quite nice having some company in the flat. 71 00:02:32,547 --> 00:02:34,806 You know, her and her new boyfriend, MC Poison. 72 00:02:34,906 --> 00:02:36,061 Lovely guy. 73 00:02:36,161 --> 00:02:38,595 I'm on the floor, I've given them the bed. 74 00:02:38,695 --> 00:02:43,096 You know, I never realised before how much it creaks. 75 00:02:43,196 --> 00:02:46,428 - Hey, Julie, have you come to get your knife? 76 00:02:46,528 --> 00:02:48,432 You know, the one you stabbed in my back, 77 00:02:48,532 --> 00:02:50,934 and then twisted through my broken heart. 78 00:02:51,034 --> 00:02:52,101 - If this is about Gavin-- 79 00:02:52,101 --> 00:02:55,087 - I have seen you talking to him this morning, 80 00:02:55,187 --> 00:02:57,168 with your mouth. 81 00:02:57,268 --> 00:02:58,873 - I have to talk to him somehow. 82 00:02:58,973 --> 00:02:59,894 He is my manager. 83 00:02:59,994 --> 00:03:00,985 - Yes. 84 00:03:01,085 --> 00:03:04,727 Not your lover, your guide, your never-ending master. 85 00:03:04,827 --> 00:03:07,327 - Should press on, lots to do. 86 00:03:09,845 --> 00:03:10,578 - There you go. 87 00:03:10,678 --> 00:03:11,511 - Oh, what you doing? 88 00:03:11,611 --> 00:03:12,942 Texting Lord Sugar? (laughs) 89 00:03:13,042 --> 00:03:15,335 - No, I applied for a job last week 90 00:03:15,435 --> 00:03:17,917 so I'm just checking my emails. - Oh, what's the job? 91 00:03:18,017 --> 00:03:19,172 - Psychology assistant. 92 00:03:19,272 --> 00:03:21,894 You know, like doing tests in hospitals and prisons and stuff. 93 00:03:21,994 --> 00:03:24,440 - Oh, I visited a boyfriend in prison once. 94 00:03:24,540 --> 00:03:28,582 Now, they tell you to dress down so you don't make the prisoners all horny. 95 00:03:28,682 --> 00:03:30,553 There was a proper riot and everything. 96 00:03:30,653 --> 00:03:32,044 Someone even got stabbed. 97 00:03:32,144 --> 00:03:32,982 - Oh, God. 98 00:03:33,082 --> 00:03:37,300 - Colin says my tits should be banned. (laughs) 99 00:03:37,400 --> 00:03:38,816 - Ladies. 100 00:03:38,916 --> 00:03:40,857 I've got some breaking news. 101 00:03:40,957 --> 00:03:41,690 - You what? 102 00:03:41,790 --> 00:03:45,105 - It's time to roll out customer service 2.0. 103 00:03:45,205 --> 00:03:48,272 Okay, here's the deal. I like your Tannoy announcements, hm, 104 00:03:48,372 --> 00:03:50,008 but I need to love them. 105 00:03:50,108 --> 00:03:51,694 So I've punched up your scripts a little bit. 106 00:03:51,694 --> 00:03:54,633 We need to grab people's attention from the get-go. 107 00:03:54,733 --> 00:03:55,874 Give it a whirl. 108 00:03:55,974 --> 00:03:57,519 - Help, help, I'm dying. 109 00:03:57,619 --> 00:03:58,376 - Dying? 110 00:03:58,476 --> 00:04:00,875 - Dying to tell customers about Valco Better. 111 00:04:00,975 --> 00:04:01,708 - Love it. 112 00:04:01,808 --> 00:04:04,530 Remember, bags of energy, loads of fun. 113 00:04:04,630 --> 00:04:05,463 Boom! 114 00:04:07,080 --> 00:04:08,538 - Richard, listen, I've been thinking. 115 00:04:08,538 --> 00:04:11,017 Look, it's not too late to change the sushi idea. 116 00:04:11,117 --> 00:04:13,428 Now, a couple of sizes of jacket potato would-- 117 00:04:13,528 --> 00:04:15,111 - [Richard] Get in! 118 00:04:16,567 --> 00:04:17,400 Ha-ha-ha. 119 00:04:18,644 --> 00:04:20,210 Look at this. 120 00:04:20,310 --> 00:04:21,688 Amazing. 121 00:04:21,788 --> 00:04:23,625 France, you're a bloody genius. 122 00:04:23,725 --> 00:04:24,797 - Ah-ha! 123 00:04:24,897 --> 00:04:26,532 Guilty as charged. 124 00:04:26,632 --> 00:04:30,006 - The most expensive refit in Valco history. 125 00:04:30,106 --> 00:04:31,273 And I love it. 126 00:04:32,688 --> 00:04:34,547 Sliding doors, nice touch. 127 00:04:34,647 --> 00:04:36,101 - Actually, they're the same doors. 128 00:04:36,101 --> 00:04:38,150 I hope your head's strapped onto your neck, Shelly, 129 00:04:38,150 --> 00:04:42,110 'cause your mind is about to get blown. 130 00:04:42,210 --> 00:04:43,647 - He talks like this all the time. 131 00:04:43,747 --> 00:04:45,313 I love it. (laughs) (phone ringing) 132 00:04:45,413 --> 00:04:46,270 - If this is who I think it is, 133 00:04:46,270 --> 00:04:50,441 you're all going to shit a house full of bricks. 134 00:04:50,541 --> 00:04:51,608 Arnie. 135 00:04:51,708 --> 00:04:55,875 I want your clothes, your boots, and your motorcycle. 136 00:04:58,491 --> 00:05:01,933 - So, Martin, how's old gang back at head office? 137 00:05:02,033 --> 00:05:04,927 Liz Spinks, Jerry Hoyle, good old Graham Banday? 138 00:05:05,027 --> 00:05:06,529 "Hello, my name's Graham Banday." 139 00:05:06,629 --> 00:05:08,289 (laughing) 140 00:05:08,389 --> 00:05:10,639 - Retired, retired, sacked. 141 00:05:12,965 --> 00:05:17,708 - Can I help you with your shopping experience today? 142 00:05:17,808 --> 00:05:19,187 - You all right, Margaret? 143 00:05:19,287 --> 00:05:22,204 - Oh, David, I'm as nervous as a goose. 144 00:05:22,304 --> 00:05:25,126 I've got to go and do that meet and greet thing. 145 00:05:25,226 --> 00:05:26,963 - You know what the best thing to do is when you're nervous? 146 00:05:26,963 --> 00:05:29,960 Shake out the tension, like this. 147 00:05:30,060 --> 00:05:30,822 - Oh, I don't know. 148 00:05:30,922 --> 00:05:32,839 - Just try a small one. 149 00:05:34,381 --> 00:05:36,277 - Oh yeah, that feels better. 150 00:05:36,377 --> 00:05:38,518 Oh, why don't you try one, Ray? 151 00:05:38,618 --> 00:05:39,738 - I don't really want to. 152 00:05:39,838 --> 00:05:42,132 - Yeah, but you're always tense. Go on, shake it out. 153 00:05:42,232 --> 00:05:43,088 - I'm not tense either. 154 00:05:43,088 --> 00:05:46,477 - Yeah, just imagine something's really winding you up. 155 00:05:46,577 --> 00:05:47,310 - Like what? 156 00:05:47,410 --> 00:05:49,372 - I don't know, a person. Imagine a someone who's really 157 00:05:49,372 --> 00:05:52,123 really, really, really annoying. 158 00:05:52,223 --> 00:05:53,385 Shake it out. 159 00:05:53,485 --> 00:05:54,767 - [Both] Shake it out. 160 00:05:54,867 --> 00:05:55,978 Shake it out. 161 00:05:56,078 --> 00:05:57,310 Shake it out. 162 00:05:57,410 --> 00:05:58,143 - Yeah. 163 00:05:58,243 --> 00:05:59,076 - Shake it out. - That's it, Ray. 164 00:05:59,076 --> 00:05:59,879 - [Both] Shake it out. 165 00:05:59,979 --> 00:06:01,052 Shake it out. 166 00:06:01,152 --> 00:06:02,067 Shake it out. 167 00:06:02,167 --> 00:06:03,605 Come on, shake it out. 168 00:06:03,705 --> 00:06:05,008 Shake it out. 169 00:06:05,108 --> 00:06:07,833 - I can't read this out, it's embarrassing. 170 00:06:07,933 --> 00:06:09,771 It's like acting or something. 171 00:06:09,871 --> 00:06:12,258 You see, I don't mind, 'cause I was always the lead in the school plays. 172 00:06:12,258 --> 00:06:14,119 They said I was a natural. - You can act? 173 00:06:14,219 --> 00:06:15,636 - Yeah, watch me. 174 00:06:17,515 --> 00:06:18,425 - What's that? 175 00:06:18,525 --> 00:06:19,563 - Shock. 176 00:06:19,663 --> 00:06:21,080 - Do another one. 177 00:06:22,820 --> 00:06:23,834 - Is that shock again? 178 00:06:23,934 --> 00:06:25,307 - No, it's anger. 179 00:06:25,407 --> 00:06:27,657 (laughing) 180 00:06:30,124 --> 00:06:32,130 - Ladies and gents, please give a very warm welcome 181 00:06:32,130 --> 00:06:33,549 to a very special person. 182 00:06:33,649 --> 00:06:36,488 - [Woman] Oh God, just get out the way. - Actress, model, entrepreneur. 183 00:06:36,588 --> 00:06:37,321 - [Woman] Get off! 184 00:06:37,421 --> 00:06:39,384 - FHM sexiest woman in the world. 185 00:06:39,484 --> 00:06:41,883 - [Woman] Just move! - Boom, Kelly Brook. 186 00:06:41,983 --> 00:06:44,270 Oh God, they can't take photos. 187 00:06:44,370 --> 00:06:45,103 Image rights. 188 00:06:45,203 --> 00:06:47,872 Can you make sure you collect all of those camera phones? 189 00:06:47,972 --> 00:06:49,374 - Er, yeah, I'll see what I can do. 190 00:06:49,474 --> 00:06:51,104 Er, no photos. 191 00:06:51,204 --> 00:06:53,739 - Right, can we get on with this before the paps realise I'm here. 192 00:06:53,739 --> 00:06:57,558 They're obsessed with me, everyone is. - Yeah, tell me about it. 193 00:06:57,658 --> 00:06:59,494 - Oh yeah, we'll just do a quick speech, 194 00:06:59,594 --> 00:07:01,582 maybe some tour of the store. 195 00:07:01,682 --> 00:07:03,883 - Oh, for fuck's sake, really? 196 00:07:03,983 --> 00:07:04,816 - Okay. 197 00:07:06,183 --> 00:07:08,266 So welcome to a new dawn. 198 00:07:09,105 --> 00:07:10,331 To Ground Zero. 199 00:07:10,431 --> 00:07:13,943 Page one, chapter one of the new book of retail. 200 00:07:14,043 --> 00:07:16,337 - I just need some eggs, mate. - Do you know what, you're right. 201 00:07:16,337 --> 00:07:19,996 Enough with the speeches already. Let's launch this bitch. 202 00:07:20,096 --> 00:07:23,412 - Now if I could just say a few-- - This is no longer Valco. 203 00:07:23,512 --> 00:07:25,262 This is Valco Better. 204 00:07:28,886 --> 00:07:31,661 - I pronounce this supermarket open. 205 00:07:31,761 --> 00:07:32,494 Blah-blah-blah. 206 00:07:32,594 --> 00:07:35,799 Can you just wait one second? (crowd applauding) 207 00:07:35,899 --> 00:07:36,632 - [Linda] Fire! 208 00:07:36,732 --> 00:07:38,633 There's a fire in the store! 209 00:07:38,733 --> 00:07:40,855 - No, Linda, that's just the heat 210 00:07:40,955 --> 00:07:44,455 from the red hot bargains at Valco Better. 211 00:07:45,399 --> 00:07:47,155 - Shall we, my love? 212 00:07:47,255 --> 00:07:48,088 Nope? 213 00:07:57,580 --> 00:07:58,454 - You done your list? 214 00:07:58,554 --> 00:07:59,287 - Huh? 215 00:07:59,387 --> 00:08:00,748 - Wedding invites. 216 00:08:00,848 --> 00:08:01,681 - Hang on a minute. 217 00:08:01,681 --> 00:08:03,570 I thought we said no one we've ever shagged. 218 00:08:03,570 --> 00:08:04,404 Hello, hello. 219 00:08:04,504 --> 00:08:05,328 Oh, hello, hello. 220 00:08:05,428 --> 00:08:07,812 - Yeah, well, we don't want the place empty. 221 00:08:07,912 --> 00:08:10,804 How about no one we've shagged in the last two years, yeah? 222 00:08:10,904 --> 00:08:11,637 - All right. 223 00:08:11,737 --> 00:08:12,470 - Huh? - Mm. 224 00:08:12,570 --> 00:08:13,303 - Mm. 225 00:08:13,403 --> 00:08:15,098 - Best man reporting for duty. 226 00:08:15,198 --> 00:08:17,345 Sorry, I'd have come over sooner, but I've been people-watching. 227 00:08:17,345 --> 00:08:18,967 The customers are absolutely 228 00:08:19,067 --> 00:08:21,058 blown away by Valco Better. 229 00:08:21,158 --> 00:08:22,114 You're welcome. 230 00:08:22,214 --> 00:08:23,393 You're welcome. 231 00:08:23,493 --> 00:08:25,546 Anyway, I've looked into things you'll need for your wedding, 232 00:08:25,546 --> 00:08:27,285 and apparently one of them's food. 233 00:08:27,385 --> 00:08:28,675 - Yeah, don't know what we want. 234 00:08:28,675 --> 00:08:31,156 - I'm happy to help, I just don't know where to start. 235 00:08:31,256 --> 00:08:33,937 - How about I let you finish off the bloody stacking 236 00:08:34,037 --> 00:08:35,140 and it can give you some ideas? 237 00:08:35,140 --> 00:08:36,478 - Wow, thanks. - All right? 238 00:08:36,578 --> 00:08:37,828 You're welcome. 239 00:08:39,183 --> 00:08:40,266 - Peas, peas. 240 00:08:41,753 --> 00:08:42,926 Peas. 241 00:08:43,026 --> 00:08:44,352 - The trouble with stalkers is the more you tell them 242 00:08:44,352 --> 00:08:46,205 to piss off, the more they just take it as encouragement. 243 00:08:46,205 --> 00:08:47,549 (laughing) 244 00:08:47,649 --> 00:08:49,593 - Ah, Margaret. 245 00:08:49,693 --> 00:08:51,105 - Oh hello. 246 00:08:51,205 --> 00:08:52,514 - Do the routine, Margaret. 247 00:08:52,614 --> 00:08:54,123 - No, I'm waiting for the celebrity. 248 00:08:54,223 --> 00:08:57,350 - No, Margaret, this is our celebrity. 249 00:08:57,450 --> 00:08:59,117 This is Kelly Brook. 250 00:09:00,805 --> 00:09:02,222 - What, this one? 251 00:09:03,187 --> 00:09:05,762 A lady celebrity? (laughs) 252 00:09:05,862 --> 00:09:08,195 Oh, deary me, whatever next? 253 00:09:10,436 --> 00:09:11,629 Welcome to Valco. 254 00:09:11,729 --> 00:09:13,366 May I ask if I can help you 255 00:09:13,466 --> 00:09:16,698 with your shopping experience today? 256 00:09:16,798 --> 00:09:18,399 - Oh no, thank you. 257 00:09:18,499 --> 00:09:20,323 I think I'll just take one of these. 258 00:09:20,423 --> 00:09:22,148 - That's a very good choice. 259 00:09:22,248 --> 00:09:25,444 - Yes, that is a good choice, but just to be clear, 260 00:09:25,544 --> 00:09:27,792 you will have to pay for that. 261 00:09:27,892 --> 00:09:29,916 - (laughs) Yeah, nice one. - Don't sweat it, babe. 262 00:09:30,016 --> 00:09:31,582 We'll just dock the money out of Gavin's wages. 263 00:09:31,582 --> 00:09:32,772 (laughing) 264 00:09:32,872 --> 00:09:33,605 - What? 265 00:09:33,705 --> 00:09:35,325 - No, I'm joking, I'm joking. 266 00:09:35,425 --> 00:09:36,258 Or am I? 267 00:09:37,302 --> 00:09:38,998 - Look, I'll buy them for you, Kelly. 268 00:09:39,098 --> 00:09:41,286 You can have anything you want, you know, and I mean-- 269 00:09:41,286 --> 00:09:42,630 - No, I know what you're thinking. 270 00:09:42,730 --> 00:09:44,354 And the answer is no. 271 00:09:44,454 --> 00:09:47,099 It will never, ever happen. 272 00:09:47,199 --> 00:09:49,532 - That's a wonderful choice. 273 00:09:52,034 --> 00:09:54,234 - But do you have any Battenberg? 274 00:09:54,334 --> 00:09:56,874 - No, but we do have salmon teriyaki, 275 00:09:56,974 --> 00:09:59,524 and who can resist spicy pepper squid? 276 00:09:59,624 --> 00:10:02,656 - Oh, I've had quite enough of this su-shit. 277 00:10:02,756 --> 00:10:03,489 - This is the-- 278 00:10:03,589 --> 00:10:05,618 - [Man In Wheelchair] Excuse me. - Oh, come on, come on. 279 00:10:05,618 --> 00:10:07,398 - [Man In Wheelchair] Thank you. 280 00:10:07,498 --> 00:10:09,053 The break out zone. 281 00:10:09,153 --> 00:10:12,595 Konnichiwa, welcome to the break out zone. 282 00:10:12,695 --> 00:10:15,902 I'm delighted, nay, proud to be your server today. 283 00:10:16,002 --> 00:10:19,777 And may I say, I am quite a fan of all your work. 284 00:10:19,877 --> 00:10:21,524 - Oh, thank you, Neville. 285 00:10:21,624 --> 00:10:24,799 - Yes, in fact, your calendar hangs upon my kitchen wall. 286 00:10:24,899 --> 00:10:26,815 Which I must say is very tasteful. 287 00:10:26,915 --> 00:10:30,178 Although some of the corsets are a tad restrictive. 288 00:10:30,278 --> 00:10:32,854 - (laughs) Oh, you're so sweet. 289 00:10:32,954 --> 00:10:37,698 Most blokes are just trying to jump me. - Ah yes, not much of a jumper. 290 00:10:37,798 --> 00:10:40,158 - I don't wish to be negative but do you really 291 00:10:40,258 --> 00:10:42,177 need two people here when, you know, 292 00:10:42,277 --> 00:10:44,755 you could have Neville on the tills where he belongs. 293 00:10:44,855 --> 00:10:46,855 - Two words Gav, iPhone. 294 00:10:47,967 --> 00:10:49,432 Remember when it launched, everyone said, 295 00:10:49,432 --> 00:10:53,875 WTF, I just want a phone, stop twisting my melons, Apple. 296 00:10:53,975 --> 00:10:56,949 Cut to today, everybody's got one. 297 00:10:57,049 --> 00:10:57,900 - I haven't. 298 00:10:58,000 --> 00:10:59,470 - Point proved. 299 00:10:59,570 --> 00:11:01,408 Look, when it comes to what customers want, 300 00:11:01,508 --> 00:11:03,109 there are things that they know 301 00:11:03,209 --> 00:11:04,265 and things that they don't know. 302 00:11:04,265 --> 00:11:06,506 And then things that they don't know that they don't know. 303 00:11:06,506 --> 00:11:10,673 And they don't know that they love coffee and sushi. 304 00:11:12,913 --> 00:11:13,746 Oh, that's minging. 305 00:11:13,746 --> 00:11:17,282 - Right, if we're all done here, time for a liquid lunch. 306 00:11:17,382 --> 00:11:18,598 On me, of course, Kelly? 307 00:11:18,698 --> 00:11:20,840 - Is Neville going to come? - No, he's not. 308 00:11:20,940 --> 00:11:23,258 - I don't normally drink during the daytime, 309 00:11:23,358 --> 00:11:26,050 but I suppose I could risk a bitter top. 310 00:11:26,150 --> 00:11:28,103 - Actually, Gav, I think you're better off here 311 00:11:28,203 --> 00:11:30,063 holding the fort. 312 00:11:30,163 --> 00:11:30,942 - I see. 313 00:11:31,042 --> 00:11:32,115 - Right, let's crack. 314 00:11:32,215 --> 00:11:33,048 - Kelly. 315 00:11:36,588 --> 00:11:40,255 - Oh, and Gav, everything's fine, all right? 316 00:11:42,102 --> 00:11:43,935 Don't change anything. 317 00:11:50,200 --> 00:11:51,071 - Two? 318 00:11:51,171 --> 00:11:52,212 Out of 10? 319 00:11:52,312 --> 00:11:53,523 - Okay, 10. 320 00:11:53,623 --> 00:11:54,956 - 10, thank you. 321 00:11:57,543 --> 00:11:59,874 Gavin, some customers are so dim 322 00:11:59,974 --> 00:12:02,678 they don't even see this is a Better Valco. 323 00:12:02,778 --> 00:12:04,479 - Oh, frankly, I'm not sure that it is better. 324 00:12:04,479 --> 00:12:06,597 Have you seen the queues here on the tills? 325 00:12:06,697 --> 00:12:09,413 It's like a Dire Straits concert. 326 00:12:09,513 --> 00:12:11,138 - Gavin, is it really that bad? 327 00:12:11,238 --> 00:12:13,150 I mean, I know things are a little different. 328 00:12:13,150 --> 00:12:14,798 - This is bedlam. 329 00:12:14,898 --> 00:12:17,861 It's worse than Easter weekend 2009. 330 00:12:17,961 --> 00:12:19,673 Oh Julie, will you jump on the tills for me? 331 00:12:19,673 --> 00:12:23,059 - Well, I would, but Richard wants me here doing feedback. 332 00:12:23,159 --> 00:12:25,564 - Yeah, well, then that man has no grasp of management hierarchy. 333 00:12:25,564 --> 00:12:28,900 I am manager of this store and it's my job to make Valco Better work. 334 00:12:29,000 --> 00:12:30,005 Unfortunately. 335 00:12:30,105 --> 00:12:32,479 - Are you having one of your alpha male moments again? 336 00:12:32,579 --> 00:12:35,988 (giggles) You're like a rufty-tufty Viking. 337 00:12:36,088 --> 00:12:38,416 I expect you're going to bundle me into a hut 338 00:12:38,516 --> 00:12:41,683 and shake my hand for a job well done. 339 00:12:44,091 --> 00:12:47,304 - I think the Vikings were a little more aggressive than that, Julie. 340 00:12:47,404 --> 00:12:50,222 Anyway, look let's just not dwell on historical accuracy. 341 00:12:50,322 --> 00:12:51,841 We need a plan of action. 342 00:12:51,941 --> 00:12:54,951 - [Linda] Look out, there's a bomb in the store. 343 00:12:55,051 --> 00:12:57,837 - [Sue] No, Linda, that's just the explosive feeling 344 00:12:57,937 --> 00:13:00,007 of shopping at Valco Better. 345 00:13:00,107 --> 00:13:02,247 - Hell's doorbells! 346 00:13:02,347 --> 00:13:04,900 - Hold on, how come you're saying more than me? 347 00:13:05,000 --> 00:13:06,223 - Just a coincidence, innit? 348 00:13:06,323 --> 00:13:07,339 - If you say so. 349 00:13:07,439 --> 00:13:10,344 - What, so you should have the best lines? - Yeah, well, I sound more real. 350 00:13:10,444 --> 00:13:12,292 You're a bit, you know, panto. 351 00:13:12,392 --> 00:13:13,419 - Panto? 352 00:13:13,519 --> 00:13:15,495 - Look, are you ready or not? 353 00:13:15,595 --> 00:13:16,428 Aah! 354 00:13:18,340 --> 00:13:21,796 - Don't panic, Sue, Valco Better is open seven days a week, 355 00:13:21,896 --> 00:13:25,313 eight till late, including bank holidays! 356 00:13:26,868 --> 00:13:27,601 - Right. 357 00:13:27,701 --> 00:13:31,873 No more of those, please, ladies. Just get back to the old routine. 358 00:13:33,066 --> 00:13:35,149 - I told ya, panto. 359 00:13:35,249 --> 00:13:37,613 - Can I tempt you with some salted carp? 360 00:13:37,713 --> 00:13:42,318 The perfect accompaniment to a steaming mug of milky coffee. 361 00:13:42,418 --> 00:13:45,145 Yeah, well, all the more for us, then. 362 00:13:45,245 --> 00:13:47,017 Do you know, I might take some of these leftovers 363 00:13:47,017 --> 00:13:48,372 and eat them in the car. 364 00:13:48,472 --> 00:13:50,807 My daughter, she doesn't like me eating in front of her. 365 00:13:50,807 --> 00:13:53,910 She says she can't stand the way I chew. 366 00:13:54,010 --> 00:13:54,743 Kids, eh? 367 00:13:54,843 --> 00:13:57,716 They do, they say the funniest things. (laughs) 368 00:13:57,816 --> 00:14:00,056 - I see you've got plenty of time for laughing and joking, Neville. 369 00:14:00,056 --> 00:14:02,439 - Oh, well, you know me, I always like to find the silver lining. 370 00:14:02,439 --> 00:14:03,464 - Sold anything? 371 00:14:03,564 --> 00:14:04,297 - No, not yet. 372 00:14:04,397 --> 00:14:07,383 - I knew it, the sushi's a disaster. It's like the Bay of Pigs all over again. 373 00:14:07,383 --> 00:14:10,229 Right, Neville, close this down and jump on the tills for me, will ya? 374 00:14:10,229 --> 00:14:11,895 - Well, you never know, it might pick up, we might sell-- 375 00:14:11,895 --> 00:14:12,980 - Neville, just do it, will you? 376 00:14:12,980 --> 00:14:16,563 I've had enough of your endless barracking. 377 00:14:18,705 --> 00:14:21,229 - Oh Gavin, I love it when you're busting 378 00:14:21,329 --> 00:14:22,917 other men's balls like that. 379 00:14:23,017 --> 00:14:26,509 You are a raging bull and I want to ride you forever. 380 00:14:26,609 --> 00:14:27,776 - That's a super idea, Anna, 381 00:14:27,876 --> 00:14:29,559 but I am rather tied up at the moment. 382 00:14:29,659 --> 00:14:31,002 - Tied up is good. 383 00:14:31,102 --> 00:14:32,725 - Gavin, I need your help. 384 00:14:32,825 --> 00:14:34,628 There's a lady stuck up a stool. 385 00:14:34,728 --> 00:14:35,561 - What? 386 00:14:36,428 --> 00:14:39,633 - Always hanging round, aren't you, Julie, hm? 387 00:14:39,733 --> 00:14:41,650 But you will never win. 388 00:14:42,490 --> 00:14:45,266 Did you want to know how I know my Gavin loves me? 389 00:14:45,366 --> 00:14:46,568 - Not really, thanks. 390 00:14:46,668 --> 00:14:50,769 - It's the feeling I get when he explodes inside me, 391 00:14:50,869 --> 00:14:54,195 like a shaken-up bottle of coke. 392 00:14:54,295 --> 00:14:55,328 Do you get my meaning? 393 00:14:55,428 --> 00:14:58,309 - Yes, I think you made your point more than adequately, thank you. 394 00:14:58,409 --> 00:15:00,855 - She got up but she can't get down again. 395 00:15:00,955 --> 00:15:01,688 It's her hip. 396 00:15:01,788 --> 00:15:02,521 - Oh dear. 397 00:15:02,621 --> 00:15:05,990 Um, let me see if I can get you down. - What happened to all the proper chairs? 398 00:15:06,090 --> 00:15:07,913 - Well, I'm afraid that our head madman 399 00:15:08,013 --> 00:15:10,741 has rather unconventional ideas about that sort of thing. 400 00:15:10,841 --> 00:15:13,205 - But we want a sit down and a cup of tea. 401 00:15:13,305 --> 00:15:15,888 Why can't we have what we want? 402 00:15:18,067 --> 00:15:20,521 - If you can wait here just for a few minutes, 403 00:15:20,621 --> 00:15:22,820 I'm going to sort this out. 404 00:15:22,920 --> 00:15:25,170 - Gavin, what are we doing? 405 00:15:26,241 --> 00:15:28,827 - He just lay there on the bed, cold as ice. 406 00:15:28,927 --> 00:15:32,177 I mean, 65 is no age these days, is it? 407 00:15:33,362 --> 00:15:35,516 - Oh, that's an excellent choice. 408 00:15:35,616 --> 00:15:38,343 - Apologies for this, but I'm going to have to move Margaret onto bag packing. 409 00:15:38,343 --> 00:15:40,156 So come with me, please, Margaret. 410 00:15:40,256 --> 00:15:41,476 It's absolute chaos, Margaret. 411 00:15:41,476 --> 00:15:42,637 I'm going to put you on eight, might be nine. 412 00:15:42,637 --> 00:15:46,585 Now, it's going to be dangerous but you'll be all right. 413 00:15:46,685 --> 00:15:49,202 - I don't understand. What are we doing? 414 00:15:49,302 --> 00:15:52,370 - Julie, have I ever told you about my tiny inner voice? 415 00:15:52,470 --> 00:15:54,700 - It doesn't tell you to attack women with hammers, does it? 416 00:15:54,700 --> 00:15:56,841 - No, it doesn't, Julie. 417 00:15:56,941 --> 00:15:59,408 Normally it says things like, have that third Hobnob 418 00:15:59,508 --> 00:16:01,323 and there'll be hell to pay on the scales. 419 00:16:01,423 --> 00:16:02,506 There you go. 420 00:16:04,122 --> 00:16:06,885 But recently I've not wanted to hear what it's been saying. 421 00:16:06,985 --> 00:16:08,818 Valco Better is wrong. 422 00:16:09,988 --> 00:16:11,484 Do you know what, Julie? 423 00:16:11,584 --> 00:16:13,713 We had an old lady down there wedged in a bar stool 424 00:16:13,813 --> 00:16:16,200 and we were offering her raw fish. Now that's not right. 425 00:16:16,300 --> 00:16:17,984 - You're not going to change it all back? 426 00:16:18,084 --> 00:16:19,848 - All of it, Julie, I have to. 427 00:16:19,948 --> 00:16:22,349 I can't ignore my tiny inner voice any more. 428 00:16:22,449 --> 00:16:24,682 - Oh, Gavin, don't you think you might be overreacting? 429 00:16:24,782 --> 00:16:26,198 You could just let it carry on. 430 00:16:26,298 --> 00:16:28,802 Let Richard and Martin Shell see that it's not working. 431 00:16:28,902 --> 00:16:29,635 - No, Julie. 432 00:16:29,735 --> 00:16:31,576 In every man's life there is a time to act. 433 00:16:31,676 --> 00:16:33,426 And that time is now. 434 00:16:34,459 --> 00:16:37,867 - MC Poison's bringing his whole crew round tonight for another shindig. 435 00:16:37,967 --> 00:16:38,934 - Right. 436 00:16:39,034 --> 00:16:40,871 - My daughter says it's going to be so busy, 437 00:16:40,971 --> 00:16:42,546 there won't be any room for me. 438 00:16:42,646 --> 00:16:44,919 I've offered to sleep in the car. (laughs) 439 00:16:45,019 --> 00:16:47,228 - I heard it's going to be like minus five tonight. 440 00:16:47,328 --> 00:16:48,286 - Oh, it's okay. 441 00:16:48,386 --> 00:16:50,278 I once spent a whole winter in that car. 442 00:16:50,378 --> 00:16:52,416 Do you know, I'm really beginning to feel 443 00:16:52,516 --> 00:16:54,634 like I'm head of the family again. 444 00:16:54,734 --> 00:16:55,708 - Oh. 445 00:16:55,808 --> 00:16:57,214 - Oh, dear God. 446 00:16:57,314 --> 00:16:58,047 - What is it? 447 00:16:58,147 --> 00:16:58,880 - It's my wife. 448 00:16:58,980 --> 00:16:59,713 It's my ex wife. 449 00:16:59,813 --> 00:17:00,546 Hello, darling. 450 00:17:00,646 --> 00:17:03,151 - You selfish little shit. Keeping my daughter away from me. 451 00:17:03,251 --> 00:17:05,533 - Well, to be fair, I think she came of her own free will. 452 00:17:05,633 --> 00:17:06,366 - Fair? 453 00:17:06,466 --> 00:17:09,059 Nothing's ever fair with you. - Darling, I know you're angry, but-- 454 00:17:09,059 --> 00:17:09,827 - Angry? 455 00:17:09,927 --> 00:17:10,881 Too right I'm angry. 456 00:17:10,981 --> 00:17:14,074 I want money, compensation for the loss of my daughter, 457 00:17:14,174 --> 00:17:15,967 or your life won't be worth living, okay? 458 00:17:16,067 --> 00:17:17,495 - Understood. 459 00:17:17,595 --> 00:17:19,531 - And Mike says you've still not fixed the lawnmower. 460 00:17:19,531 --> 00:17:21,120 - No problem, I shall pop round 461 00:17:21,220 --> 00:17:23,643 to the house tomorrow to have a look. 462 00:17:23,743 --> 00:17:25,861 Ooh, got off lightly there. 463 00:17:25,961 --> 00:17:26,928 - What a bitch. 464 00:17:27,028 --> 00:17:28,483 - Oh, you should see her when she's properly angry. 465 00:17:28,483 --> 00:17:31,138 Usually she goes straight for the car and slashes the tyres. 466 00:17:31,238 --> 00:17:34,231 Or slaps me in the, oh, there we go. 467 00:17:34,331 --> 00:17:35,475 (laughing) 468 00:17:35,575 --> 00:17:37,634 - Let's just take the weight off. 469 00:17:37,734 --> 00:17:40,473 Now please enjoy a complimentary cup of tea 470 00:17:40,573 --> 00:17:43,436 and jacket potato for your trouble. 471 00:17:43,536 --> 00:17:45,255 They really are top notch. 472 00:17:45,355 --> 00:17:47,010 - Well, that's lovely, thank you very much. 473 00:17:47,010 --> 00:17:48,177 - My pleasure. 474 00:17:49,321 --> 00:17:53,328 Ah, Leighton, will you just do me a favour and just cordon off all those high stools? 475 00:17:53,428 --> 00:17:56,471 We're going to make this shop sane again. 476 00:17:56,571 --> 00:17:59,488 - We're making Valco Better better? 477 00:18:03,282 --> 00:18:04,015 - Oh, lovely. 478 00:18:04,115 --> 00:18:06,921 Gone for the yellow, lovely. There's Valco green, as well. 479 00:18:07,021 --> 00:18:08,540 Come through, madam. 480 00:18:08,640 --> 00:18:09,973 Hi, Anita. - Hi. 481 00:18:11,145 --> 00:18:12,645 Now that's better. 482 00:18:19,465 --> 00:18:20,808 - Uh, is Neville here. 483 00:18:20,908 --> 00:18:21,908 - No, sorry. 484 00:18:23,196 --> 00:18:24,469 - Pen. 485 00:18:24,569 --> 00:18:25,402 Pen! 486 00:18:27,420 --> 00:18:29,514 Do you mind giving him something from me? 487 00:18:29,614 --> 00:18:31,364 - Uh, yes, yes, okay. 488 00:18:36,126 --> 00:18:37,674 - Come on. 489 00:18:37,774 --> 00:18:39,194 - [Richard] When I invented touch screen, I said, 490 00:18:39,194 --> 00:18:40,702 just get rid of the buttons. 491 00:18:40,802 --> 00:18:42,933 They tried to section me. - That's incredible that. 492 00:18:43,033 --> 00:18:43,866 - Whoa! 493 00:18:45,238 --> 00:18:46,781 - What's the matter, France? 494 00:18:46,881 --> 00:18:47,862 - What's happened to the wancing? 495 00:18:47,862 --> 00:18:51,445 Totally should have been wanced off by now. 496 00:18:52,332 --> 00:18:55,142 Are they office chairs in the break out zone? 497 00:18:55,242 --> 00:18:57,101 Where's the sushi? There's no fucking sushi. 498 00:18:57,201 --> 00:18:59,222 - Don't forget we've a two for one offer 499 00:18:59,322 --> 00:19:04,137 on Mexican and Italian food in our ready meals section. 500 00:19:04,237 --> 00:19:08,154 - Gavin Strong dot com forward slash arse kick. 501 00:19:09,119 --> 00:19:10,844 You've got to help me understand this, Gav. 502 00:19:10,844 --> 00:19:12,985 'Cause earlier I'm sure I remember telling you 503 00:19:13,085 --> 00:19:14,499 not to change anything. 504 00:19:14,599 --> 00:19:15,332 - You did, yes. 505 00:19:15,432 --> 00:19:18,478 But I decided, in the light of events, 506 00:19:18,578 --> 00:19:22,924 that I should use my judgement and my experience to-- 507 00:19:23,024 --> 00:19:25,671 (yawning) 508 00:19:25,771 --> 00:19:27,727 You didn't see the chaos. 509 00:19:27,827 --> 00:19:29,097 It was like a Primark. 510 00:19:29,197 --> 00:19:31,608 - This is exactly what I was talking about over lunch. 511 00:19:31,708 --> 00:19:32,974 - You're bang out of order, Gavin. 512 00:19:32,974 --> 00:19:34,858 - Honestly, if you'd have seen what it was like, 513 00:19:34,958 --> 00:19:36,278 you'd have done the same thing. 514 00:19:36,378 --> 00:19:37,478 Customers weren't happy. 515 00:19:37,478 --> 00:19:40,619 We were teetering on the knife edge of an actual revolt. 516 00:19:40,719 --> 00:19:42,672 - Wow, that's really interes (snoring). 517 00:19:42,772 --> 00:19:44,867 Julie, what do the forms say? 518 00:19:44,967 --> 00:19:47,741 - Well, it's not an accurate cross section. 519 00:19:47,841 --> 00:19:49,078 - Come on, Jules. 520 00:19:49,178 --> 00:19:51,095 Average customer score. 521 00:19:54,290 --> 00:19:55,549 - 8.5. 522 00:19:55,649 --> 00:19:57,489 ♫ Ba-dam ba-dam bam bam 523 00:19:57,589 --> 00:19:58,422 - Boof. 524 00:19:59,619 --> 00:20:01,511 There's even an 11 on here. 525 00:20:01,611 --> 00:20:04,435 - To be fair, that was Leighton. 526 00:20:04,535 --> 00:20:06,702 - Either way, great stats. 527 00:20:07,644 --> 00:20:10,642 - People like you can make statistics say anything you like. 528 00:20:10,742 --> 00:20:13,235 In fact, you've probably got a statistic to say 529 00:20:13,335 --> 00:20:16,335 how easy it is to fiddle statistics. 530 00:20:20,117 --> 00:20:23,700 - Julie, will you give us a minute, please? 531 00:20:28,459 --> 00:20:30,495 - You're tired, Gavin. 532 00:20:30,595 --> 00:20:33,299 Have a couple of weeks off. Take your little bike out for a spin 533 00:20:33,399 --> 00:20:35,939 or whatever it is you do. 534 00:20:36,039 --> 00:20:37,112 - Enforced holiday? 535 00:20:37,212 --> 00:20:38,468 - And don't worry about it back here. 536 00:20:38,468 --> 00:20:42,635 Because both France and June have very capable hands. 537 00:20:43,736 --> 00:20:45,032 - There's really no need. 538 00:20:45,132 --> 00:20:47,965 Martin, you know that I can do it. 539 00:20:48,862 --> 00:20:50,230 - Sorry, Gav. 540 00:20:50,330 --> 00:20:53,422 You brought this on yourself. 541 00:20:53,522 --> 00:20:55,272 I'm with Martin here. 542 00:20:56,725 --> 00:20:57,875 - Or are ya? 543 00:20:57,975 --> 00:21:00,771 (laughing) 544 00:21:00,871 --> 00:21:01,871 - Yes, I am. 545 00:21:04,158 --> 00:21:05,537 - Oh, what a day. 546 00:21:05,637 --> 00:21:06,720 - Yes indeed. 547 00:21:07,584 --> 00:21:10,894 Oh, a lady came in to look for you and she-- 548 00:21:10,994 --> 00:21:12,947 - Yeah, she found me, unfortunately. 549 00:21:13,047 --> 00:21:13,780 - Oh? 550 00:21:13,880 --> 00:21:15,446 You don't want to see her? - Heavens, no. 551 00:21:15,546 --> 00:21:17,349 Nightmare woman. - Oh, okay. 552 00:21:18,572 --> 00:21:20,822 (sneezing) 553 00:21:24,459 --> 00:21:26,959 (slow music) 554 00:21:45,380 --> 00:21:47,963 (upbeat music) 555 00:22:16,773 --> 00:22:19,606 (mid-tempo music)