- Valco. - Serves you right.
- I'm quite nervous. - You won't beat our prices.
- Can she stop that now? - Fish and ticks.
- Red-hot deals.
- We've got offers on everything from booze to biscuits.
- Loads of two-for-ones.
- Boom.
- Fresh produce. - Delivered daily.
- Am I getting paid for this? - Don't forget the Valco tick.
- Oh, Valco tick. - That way.
- Serves you right. - Valco, serves you right.
- [All] Valco, serves you right.
- Poundstretcher?
- I can't imagine Gavin working at Poundstretcher,
not after he's been a Valco manager.
- He wasn't working.
Apparently he was sitting outside it playing UB hits on a harmonica.
- Morning, troops.
- Oh, great, more people.
- So, Dave, big day for you today.
You should be in the canteen at 10:00 and I'll collect the test at 11:00.
- Isn't Gavin supposed to mark it?
- Yes, well, as acting manager, I'll be doing that.
- So have you got Gavin's job
cos Richard France prefers you?
- No!
- Oh, Julie, isn't it just a tragedy?
Our Gavin, busking for his keep.
- Gavin's on holiday, Margaret, he's not busking.
Although if he was busking,
he'd earn a fortune with that beautiful tenor voice.
- Until you take his busking job.
- I haven't taken anything.
Anyway, what are you even doing here, Lisa?
Get back on the till.
- [Colin] Hey, Leighton, look at that. - [Leighton] Wow, impressive.
- Yeah, check that out. - Hey, you're pretty good at that.
- Get back to work!
Oh, shit, court appearance?
- What?
- Look at your suit.
- Oh, no, Katie, are you getting taken into care?
- I'm 22, Leighton.
No, I've just got to do this "temporary deputy manager",
whatever, bollocks while Gavin's away.
- So you're like our boss now?
Oh, congratulations!
- Well, well, well, well, well, well.
I always knew it was just a matter of time before you turned scab.
- I'm not a scab, I'm still the same person.
- Yeah?
Then you won't mind if I do this then, will you?
- Nah, doesn't bother me. - Does it not?
- Well, it should bother you, Katie, you're management now.
- Yeah, scab.
- And I don't know what you think you're playing at,
but that'll come out of your pay.
Now clean it up.
I suppose I see Valco Warrington as a sort of ship.
- Loveit.co.uk!
- Where the staff is the crew.
- And you're the captain, brilliant.
- Oh, no, Gavin's the captain, I'm just the first mate,
which is why the crew don't respect me like they did him.
They probably know I'll just sail us into an iceberg.
- No, Gavin is the iceberg.
Because he's in your way.
Do you see?
- Oh, God, you're right.
I'm just about to sail us into Gavin!
- No, no, no, you won't because you've got me,
your favourable wind conditions.
And, as of this morning, you've got Katie,
your new first mate.
- But is Katie ready?
How much does she know about the sea?
- Oh, she can navigate the tides.
- How?
- Right, enough of the sea thing, it's shit.
- But, I mean, Katie as interim deputy manager,
it's a big responsibility.
You can't just put on a suit and wander about.
That's only one tiny bit of what it takes.
- Look, you and I are exploding the retail world.
We're the ones with the HD vision, the magic.
- Are you all right, Anna? - I'm OK but my Gavin, he is destroyed.
That Julie Cook has stabbed him in the back
with her knife of lies.
- Oh, yes, the old knife of lies.
Yeah, I had a bit of that
when my best friend ran away with my wife.
Although, to be fair, it was less a run-away,
more a series of relaxing mini-breaks.
- People like them and Julie Cook
should be shot in the face.
- Oh, yes, absodoodley-do.
But d'you know, life has a funny way of working out.
I've got my daughter, Sophie, living with me now.
We're happy as two peas in a studio bedsit.
- Yes, it's nice, to have family around.
- Well, I say two peas.
With her boyfriend, MC Poison, and his crew,
we're a rather cramped nine.
D'you know, it's a bit like
living in the toilet of a nightclub? - Oh, Neville.
- What qualities does a deputy manager need?
Butter fingers!
You dropped the ball, Katie.
How about initiative?
What else?
- Are you all right, Julie?
- Fun.
A deputy manager needs to have a sense of fun.
- Why? - Why?
Because that's what working in a supermarket
is all about it, isn't it?
- Is it? - OK, Katie.
Let me hear you say, "Yay!"
- Yay.
- Now let me hear you say, "Yo!"
- Seriously?
Yo.
- Katie's in da house!
Now I want you to throw all that enthusiasm
into the staff rota spreadsheets.
Go, homegirl!
- Excuse me, where's the pasta?
It used to be there.
- Oh, I'm not sure.
Everything's moved.
See, back when Valco was Valco normal,
I used to be able to find anything in the store
in 45 seconds or 40 seconds if I had my wheelie-shoes on.
But then one of the wheels broke.
I'm thinking we should try the aisle formerly known as five.
Five.
- Oh, my God!
- Here you go!
- Why are there no aisle numbers anywhere?
- Oh, they took them away, I think they were bad.
- The numbers were bad? - Yes, no numbers is better than numbers.
It's Valco Better.
- It's Valco Bonkers.
- Valco Bonkers!
Hey, can I use that?
I'm collecting jokes for a speech, I'm a wedding planner.
- Oi, Leighton, you knob-end.
- That's the bride.
Bye.
- My sister says we can get people to give us wedding gifts.
You know, plates and shit.
We'll give you a list.
- [Leighton] OK.
- I can tell you straight off I'll definitely want
a 46-inch 3D plasma with Blu-ray.
- That's what, that's a--
- A television.
- I was going to say television, I was,
but then I thought, could be a bird.
- Shitting hell.
- Urgh, what is that smell?
- It's the smell of some smokin' offers
at Valco Better today, Sue!
Little tip.
I think you're overplaying it with the "Urgh".
The Valco offers need to have a good smell.
You sound like you're smelling something awful.
- I am, I'm standing next to you.
Oh, hello, Katie.
- Oh, my God, oh, my God!
I have got to show you something but you can't tell anyone.
Promise?
- [Both] Yeah.
- Julie has written an erotic novel set in a supermarket!
- No!
"As Gareth brought the celery down with a sharp thwack
"on her bare behind,
"Jenny realised that the two-for-one deal
"was a whole lot more than she'd bargained for."
Oh, my God, Julie wrote a porno.
- It's like 50 Shades Of Valco!
- Hey, I didn't say I didn't want to read it.
I might be in it.
- Really, what as?
Grumpy, lactating woman on the Tannoy?
(laughing)
- Sophie, what a lovely surprise.
Anna, this is my daughter, Sophie.
Well I say daughter, we're more just pals really, aren't we?
- No.
- For a family to spend time together is very special.
- Special needs, more like.
Oh, you do have Wi-Fi here, don't you?
Cos yours has packed up again and it's just not good enough, Neville.
- Ah, yes, I'm sorry about that.
I think your hair straighteners may have drained the electricity metre.
Did you try putting some money in?
- Piss off, Neville, it's your metre!
- No, fair point.
I shall feed the old guzzler when I get home this evening.
Can I just say again how very chuffed I am--
- Can you shut up, Neville, I'm trying to read a text.
- Oh, course, apols.
Carry on.
- Get stuffed, Sue!
With our two-for-one deal on selected fresh veg?
- We don't have a two-for-one on veg.
- Oh, right, sorry.
Must've been a slip of the tongue.
- What are you doing with that celery?
- It's looking a bit bruised.
- Oh, all right, I see what's going on.
Gavin's away, which means I now have a large hole to fill.
And I know you'll want to test me but it's not my fault.
And I will not be anyone's whipping boy.
Oh, grow up!
- How was the test?
- I remembered everything you've taught me.
Like best storage for fish, 75.9 degrees centigrade.
- I never said that.
That would be like storing fish in a Jacuzzi.
- Ah, and you can't do that? - No.
- But they'd love it, everyone loves a Jacuzzi.
Come on, Ray, even you do.
Ah, see!
It's the bubbles, isn't it?
- They tickle.
- Is that haddock?
- Can I get Julie's book back? - Oh, Margaret's got it.
- What, I said don't let anyone see!
- Well, we told her it was top secret.
- Brilliant, you should work for MI.
- Right, that's it. - No, not me.
- Excuse me, do you work here? - Yes?
- Where's the tuna?
It's not where it used to be and he's clueless.
- Oh, tuna's been relocated to aisle three.
Oh, sorry, the "foods of the world" aisle.
- Aisle three, king of the aisles.
Who'd have thought tuna would make it to the top?
- Yeah, show her, Leighton.
Oh, Katie, can you update the store maps and get them circulated?
It's chaos, no-one can find anything.
- Yep, no problem, I'll do that.
- Oh, Anna. - I'm having a lunch break.
- Of course, it's just I noticed some rowdy teenagers
in the break-out zone.
I wondered if you needed me to help out?
- Talk to the hand with your "help".
- "I must have you again, breathed Gareth,
"as he lent across the chiller unit,
"where Jenny was checking the expiry date
"of some mini-Kievs."
Goodness.
- Oh, that would get my Alan drooling.
- Really?
- Oh, yeah.
And if I'm honest, it would me a bit, too.
- Gosh, Margaret.
I had no idea you were into that.
My husband and I watched a film once,
but I actually found it a bit embarrassing.
- What, you watched a film about mini-Kievs?
You should be embarrassed.
- Hello, all.
I'll just leave that there.
- Nev, you be taxin' us for the cash-money early, G.
- G? Gangster, yeah?
You did say, true dat. Sorry, G.
- All right, man.
And not disrespecting you,
but you left the lid off the toothpaste again.
- Ah, my bad.
No disrespect taken, MC P.
Soph, any chance of the Benjamins at all?
- Do I look like a cashpoint, Neville?
- [Anna] But, Richard, what is it?
- I've been thinking.
What is retail if not theatre?
So. - A fog machine!
- They say magic begins with dreams.
Welcome to my dream.
- Hey, what if they make a movie out of Julie's book?
We could be in it!
- No way, I'd never do a blue movie.
I'm very private about my body.
- Not even for a million quid?
- Yeah, course, a million.
- A thousand? - Er, yeah.
- Hundred? - Probably.
- Tenner?
- Oh, my God, Sue, I'm not a slapper.
- OK, sorry.
20? - Yeah.
- Sorry, I got your list
but I can't understand your handwriting.
What does that say?
- It says boat, Leighton.
- What do you want a boat for? You can't sail.
- I don't want to fucking sail it.
I want to put it in a driveway so people can see it.
- But your nan doesn't have a driveway.
- Look at number 15.
- Oh, yeah, it says "driveway".
- All right, put me down for a boat, too.
And get us some more crisps, would you, Leighton?
- No problemo.
- It's like we can get him to do whatever we want.
- Yeah, I know.
- What can we get him to do?
- Margaret, I've been looking everywhere for you.
You know that manuscript that Sue and Linda gave to you?
- Oh, you mean Julie's novel?
- Yeah, please don't tell her that you've seen it.
- Oh, no, love, I wouldn't know what to say.
- I know!
- Such terrible spelling!
Poor thing, she must be really lonely.
Every night, writing that rubbish.
- Yeah, I guess so.
So where is it?
- Oh, well, I passed it on to someone.
Oh, I've got a memory like a lavatory brush, me.
- Never mind.
- Here, I got you something.
- What is it?
- Open it.
- What's this? - It's us.
Two mates out on the town together.
- We've never been out on the town together.
- Yeah, but this is what it would be like if we had.
- It looks like we might have been in the pub.
- Yeah!
- What happened in the pub?
- Well, we talked, drank, chatted up birds.
- This leather jacket I'm wearing, it seems good quality.
Soft but structured.
- Yeah, yeah.
That's actually a photograph of David Hasselhoff
with your head on it.
- It works. - I know, uncanny.
- After the pub, would we have gone to Baskin and Robbins?
- Yeah, yeah, could have done. - I would have had two scoops.
Very berry and rum and raisin.
- [Lisa] Would Dave please go the manager's office?
That's Dave to the manager's office.
- Mate, mate, this is it!
Wish me luck.
- Please go.
- Hey, there you are.
We've been having a little think.
We would love you to be our wedding planner for life.
- Oh, wow!
Oh, that's such an honour!
What does it mean?
- It means you have to look after us all the time.
- Right, wow!
Wow, I mean, I was hoping it was going well but this is--
- Yeah, so going to need you at mine after work.
Got some laundry building up.
- Yeah, then come to my nan's. Cos the bog's flooding.
So just bring some sort of stick or something to get it.
- Shall we get some pizza?
We'll text you our order.
- Pizza, stick, laundry.
Will you be needing me to wear some kind of hat?
- Yeah, definitely.
- Yeah? - Yeah.
- That's the lowest test result ever recorded in Valco history.
- Really, the lowest ever?
So I've actually broken some sort of Valco record?
- Yes. - Sweet!
- It's not something to be proud of.
It means you can't work here any more.
- Yeah. Shit.
This is the first job I've actually enjoyed.
Anyway, thanks for the opportunity.
Sorry, just to check, that's the lowest score at a Valco
across the whole UK, right?
- Yes.
- "Gareth lowered her into the shopping trolley.
"As her hee."
- Head.
- "Head bounced rhythmically off the wire frame,
"she felt one of the wheels go and she reee".
- Realised.
- "They'd have to invoice heee".
- Head.
- "Office for a replacement."
What is this shite?
- I can't believe we've never thought of that!
Come on.
- Oh, no, no.
Bloody hell.
- I'm really sorry, Ray.
I failed the test.
The dream's over.
- What?
- But, can I just say, it's been an honour working with you?
You've been more than just a mentor to me,
you've been like a best mate.
- A best mate?
I've never been a best mate before.
- I'm going to miss all the fun we've had together.
De-scaling, weighing, seeing which fish float in the bog.
Actually, that one was just me on my own.
Are you all right, mate?
- Anna, could I possibly borrow £14.80?
It's just I gave my two pounds to Sophie
and I was going to use that for a sandwich, so I'm a--
- Wait, you are telling me that these kids took your lunch money?
- Yes, but very much as a loan.
- What are you going to give them next, Neville?
Your trainers, your bike?
- Well, they took that a couple of weeks ago, so.
- OK, this is enough.
Neville, take those cups to the kitchen. - Certainly, yes.
What are you?
- Now! - Right-o.
- She chose one of you as well.
- Eh, Sophie.
In Sevilla, when children do not show respect,
we say to them,
"Either you can do this the hard way or the easy way."
- What?
- This is for disrespecting your father.
- Oh, my God!
- You are lucky.
I wanted to do it the hard way but for this I need a plastic sheet,
goggles and a car battery.
- Who's Fellatio?
- He was the king of Italy, shut up!
- I have something to say to you!
- Hello.
- You have to let Dave re-sit his test because,
because this could destroy everything. We were going to go to Baskin and Robbins.
- What?
- And I was going to order rum and raisin.
And I was going to wear a leather jacket.
Let him re-sit his test.
I will train him and he will pass.
- All right.
Well, I won't submit his test to head office yet.
But you'll need to get him up to speed quickly.
- Yes, OK.
Thank you.
Those are nice window blinds.
Reversible?
- I believe so.
- Hey, Anna, have you read this?
It's frickin' hilarious!
Right, look at this bit.
- Oh, thank God.
Look, don't take the piss, it's not fair. - Why, what is it?
- It's just some research on consumer habits.
- Oh, God, Katie, you're such a scab now.
- I'm not, it's just that if that--
Here, just take some maps.
- Boring.
- There she is!
How'd you find it today, Katester? You look a bit exhausted!
You're getting vertigo there at the top, huh?
- Yes, we've made a great team today.
Julie and Katie.
Jutie.
Although I couldn't find the staff rotas, Katie.
- Oh, right, yeah.
That's because I wondered if maybe
we could get the staff to do their own rotas.
- Why?
- Because who knows their schedules
better than the staff, right?
- That is a stand-out example of operation analysing.
Let's sniff-test it.
- Yes, well done, Katie.
We will give that a sniff.
- I've got to say, ladies, this store is iMac-ing its way to fabdom.
- What's that you're shredding?
- Oh, just last week's rotas.
- Oh, my God, Katie.
One of my personal documents
appears to be open on the desktop.
Have you been reading it?
- Yeah, I saw it.
- Oh, God, this is awful!
Has anybody else seen it? - Oh, no, no, no, no.
Don't worry, no-one's seen it, honest. - Oh, thank God for that.
So, what did you think?
- You know, it was very.
- Yes, well, I was in a different place when I wrote it.
Things were.
But I'm much happier now.
Valco Better keeps me really, really busy.
- Good.
But the bits that I did see, were really, really, really.
- Oh, thanks, Katie.
You know, I've actually had a go at some crime fiction,
if you'd care to take a look?
- Here's the last of it.
I'll go wipe the tables down.
- You know, she has been a real peach helping to tidy up.
I really feel I've really turned a corner with her.
- Neville, are you crying?
- No, no, no.
It's just the last of the smoke working its way out of my retina.
- Martin, it's Rich.
Just thought I'd give you the granular from Warrington.
Yeah, yeah, Julie Cook.
She's high level, Shelly.
Just keeps whacking it out of the park, you know.
Which is why Gavin's got to go.
Seriously, he's dead wood.
Time to cut him out and burn him.
- Well done today, Katie.
Go team Jutie!
- Bye, Julie.
Loved your book, you filthy cow!
- Night.
(upbeat music)