- Valco. - Serves you right.
- I'm quite nervous. - You won't beat our prices.
- Can she stop that now? - Fish and ticks.
- Red-hot deals.
- Offers on everything from booze to biscuits.
- Loads of two-for-ones.
- Boom.
- Fresh produce. - Delivered daily.
- Am I getting paid for this? - Don't forget the Valco tick.
- Oh, Valco tick. - That way.
- Serves you right. - Valco serves you right.
- [All] Valco serves you right!
- Hi, Ian. - Hey, Gavin, welcome back.
- Are you sure this doesn't make me look stupid?
- You look great, my modern, hunk of a man.
- Yes, well, I suppose it's about time
I stopped living in the past.
I don't want to be accused of being a dinosaur.
- Just remember to be yourself.
You are a bull.
You are in charge.
You are Gavin Strong.
You had better go.
I am too turned on by you.
- Yes, well, in that case I think that's probably for the best.
Hi, gals.
- Bloody hell, was that Gavin?
- Either him or the world's shittiest George Michael.
- It's going to be the best hen do ever.
Me sister's arranged it.
She's booked a dirty bus.
- What's a dirty bus?
- It's a right laugh.
We all pile in a minibus and they give you a bag
with a bottle of Malibu and some ciggies in.
Then we go and pick up a load of strippers.
- Sounds amazing.
- They get their cocks out and everything. - Oh.
- It's brilliant. - Lovely.
- What?
- Hey, he's back.
- Hi, Colin.
- Oh, I missed you, man.
So, how was the holiday, was it good?
- Oh, it was, thank you, yes, Colin, yes.
- So, sorry, where'd you go again? The 80's?
- How about "Valco Better isn't better,
"it's the best at being better"?
- You had me at best.
(laughing)
Boom!
- What's up, guys?
I see the door's back.
I thought it was a barrier between management and troops.
- Gavin!
You look very different.
- Oh, what, this old gear?
No, it's just my chill-out gear.
Oh, is this all.
- Yeah, Julie's been using your desk while you've been away.
Don't worry, we moved all your stuff.
- I don't mind switching back if it's easier.
- Oh, no, that's fine, it's fine.
Whatevs.
Oh, I love the Valco Better bags BTW.
One handle?
Where do you get these brainwaves?
- Yeah, came to me during a facial.
Why have two handles on a bag when you can have one?
Bam, problem Franced!
- Yes, I suppose some people would say
two handles are more practical.
Not me, though, no.
No darn way, cowabunga.
So, did I miss much while I was away?
- Spoiler alert.
Yes.
Richard's decided to put us forward for this.
- Oh, Best Retail Outlet Awards West Cheshire Region?
He thinks we're ready for the BROs?
- Boom!
What's the application like?
I don't mind having first crack at it if.
- Yeah, I've got Julie manning this one, Gav.
She's got it nailed dot com.
- Hey, well, that's no biggie dot net.
Just gives me a chance to, you know,
just sit back and chill, relax.
- Do you want a hand with that? - Yeah, please, that'd be great.
- Member of staff to the front entrance.
They won't be long.
(humming)
- You are in a good mood, Neville, yes?
- Anna, I am in a cracking mood.
- I'm thinking you have got lucky with a woman.
- No, no, it's nothing like that, I'm afraid.
No, that's still been several years.
But last night, Sophie called me "Dad".
- Oh, Neville, that's great.
- Admittedly, it was by mistake.
She was furious with herself afterwards but--
- A man should be close to his daughter, Neville.
I remember my father when I was five years old,
he said to me, "Anna, today we have a day together.
"We will kill a bull."
And so we did.
- I'm not sure Sophie would be too keen on killing a bull.
- Every girl must kill at least one bull,
and then eat the heart.
It's what makes her a woman.
- Leighton, you've got to tell me, I'm the stag.
- It's top secret.
- Right, come on, what is it?
Is it strippers?
- I've sworn myself to secrecy.
- You've sworn yourself to secrecy?
- Yeah.
I tried to get myself to tell me about the stag last night
but I couldn't, I clammed up.
Even when I hit myself.
- Right, just give me a little clue.
- Let's just say I've hired a very special performer.
- Yes, I guess we're talking ping-pong balls?
- Not just ping-pong balls.
Big balls, balloons.
My friend hired them for his birthday last month
and they blindfolded him and gave him the full show.
He lost his watch.
- Yes!
Oh, God.
It's going to be mental, innit? - Yeah.
- Legend, Leighton.
- Yes, I knew he would love clowns.
- That's three bags that have split now.
- Yeah, it's these new Better bags, they're rubbish.
- Well, where am I meant to stick all this?
- I know.
It takes the piss, doesn't it? I'd complain if I was you.
- Oh, forget it, I don't have time.
- Hey, what was her problem?
- New bags, have you seen 'em?
They've only got one handle.
- I know, It's another brilliant idea from Richard.
- Keeping busy, Katie?
- Yeah, just I was talking to them
about something that happened - Yeah, bovvered!
I just wanted to see whether you could swing
by the office this afternoon. There's something I want to ask you.
- Yeah sure.
- Aces.
Guys, my ears are open but I'm not hearing any magic.
- Do we still have to do them? Cos they make me feel stupid.
- Do they?
OK, well only if you want to. Oh, hang on.
This just in, you want to.
- There's a madman in the store and he's got a knife!
- And look, he's slashing prices.
- Oh, you scared the crap out of me!
- That's right, all batteries are now 20% off.
- Ah, ah, Leighton.
- Hey, Gavin's back!
Oh, wow, you look so different.
Did you put the wrong clothes on? I'm always doing that.
- Oh, no, no, no, these are mine. I just haven't worn them in a while.
So, everything going well?
You all manage OK without me last week?
- It was great.
Isn't it weird, cos you'd think everything would go wrong
with you not being around but it didn't.
- Oh, that's great to hear.
- Yeah, everything went really, really, really well.
Isn't that weird, Gavin?
Gavin, isn't that weird? - Yes, that's really, really weird.
- See ya.
- That's all he said? - Yeah.
"Swing by this afternoon, "there's something I want to ask you."
- Maybe he wants to marry you.
Oh, that would be nice.
- I don't think he wants to marry me, Margaret.
- Don't be so hard on yourself.
You're a good-looking girl.
Mind you, you're not getting any younger.
- Thanks.
- We should have one of those deals.
If you're not married by 40, I'll marry you.
- Don't be stupid.
Why wouldn't I be married by the time I'm 40?
- Just saying.
Offer's there if you want it. I'm a good listener, fun, cuddly.
- You could do a lot worse, Katie.
- I'm not marrying him.
- Katie I'd like to marry you when you're 40 as well please.
- Hey, whoa, whoa, whoa.
Come on, I asked her first.
Anyway, why would she want to marry you?
What have you got that I haven't?
- Tennis racket.
And if we get married, it's yours.
- Damn, I haven't got a tennis racket.
- Have we done?
- Well, you've not decided yet. Who's it going to be?
Me or him?
- Ooh, I just can't choose, guys!
- It's like The Full Monty, but on a bus.
- Oh, it sounds very exotic.
Do they do all that stuff with the baby oil?
- Yeah, well, sort of.
Baby oil's too expensive, so they use chip fat.
Smells gorgeous, though.
Oi, Leighton!
You'd better make sure you get me bloke home
in one piece tonight.
- Don't worry Lisa, no.
As best man, it's my sworn duty
to stay by Colin's side at all times.
Or in front of him.
- Just make sure he don't get too hammered.
Which strip club are you taking him to, anyway?
- Strip club?
No, we're going to have the stag night here in the canteen.
- You what?
A stag in the Valco canteen?
Bloody hell.
- I know, right!
And, if that wasn't enough, I've booked a clown.
- A clown?
You've booked a clown for Colin's stag night?
- I know, right?
Clowns are pretty funny, right? - Jesus Christ!
- You're cheeky.
- Oh, sorry, dudes.
I didn't realise I was late for a meeting.
- Meeting? Meetings are for suits.
Julie and I are just shooting it, aren't we?
- Oh, is this the BRO application form?
I hope you remembered to put down our record-breaking March 2012 figures.
- Boring!
- Oh, yeah.
Totes. Boringsville!
- There's no figures at all in this baby.
Me Julie's done a blinder.
- Oh, Richard.
- Well done, Julie.
I guess I'll just sit here and have my sushi.
That's right.
Gavin Strong eating sushi.
11:30, it's not even lunchtime.
- Right, see you later, darling.
- It's like he doesn't even know I'm around.
- Richard's just very busy.
- I'm trying, Julie.
I mean, look, if this doesn't say
hot, young dynamic manager, I don't know what does.
- Yes, well.
- Why have I even bothered?
- Oh Gavin, you can't sit around feeling sorry for yourself.
Be the shark dot com.
- Bat out of hell!
My mouth feels like it's on fire.
- Oh, for goodness' sake. You didn't eat the wasabi, did you?
- The green stuff? I thought it was a pea.
- Oh, I'll get you a water.
Hurry up, please, I think I'm going to pass out.
I can't feel my face.
- I've been thinking,
why don't I redo the BRO application with Gavin?
It might be an idea to include him.
- Jules, do you know why I put you in charge of this
and not Gavin?
- Because I'm aces?
- Because Gavin is a dinosaur.
I don't want to sound harsh but we're in the sharp end of retail here.
It's law of the jungle.
And in the jungle,
the dinosaurs get eaten by the sharks.
Sharks like you and me.
- Right.
Wouldn't a dinosaur eat a shark, though?
- Well, I'm not David Attenborough, Julie.
I don't claim to be David Attenborough.
I claim to be Richard France. Do you know why?
Cos I'm Richard France, do you follow? - Er, not really.
- Course you do, you shark, you.
- You have been shopping?
What did you buy me? Sexy underwear?
- No, it's just a little something for me and Sophie.
What do you think? - They are beautiful.
- I can't wait to show her.
She's for ever moaning about there being one cup.
Now we can have drinks together. - She will love them.
- Oh, brilliant.
Free wrapping paper.
- Hello, sexy customer.
My boyfriend works here but I don't care,
I want to make love to you right now.
Gavin, what is the matter?
- Oh, it's nothing, really.
I'm just a bit of a loose end.
Richard's got Julie doing everything.
- Julie is a bitch, crush her.
- What on earth's got into you, Anna? I thought you and Julie were best friends.
- That was a lifetime ago.
Things have happened.
She is now my enemy and she should be your enemy, too.
- Well, she's not my enemy, she's a very good friend.
- I have seen the way she is changing, she wants your job.
- I think she's doing it already.
- They're useless!
I couldn't even get to my car before they split.
- Everything OK here? - No, it isn't.
- It's the Valco Better bags, they keep splitting.
- I've had thicker farts!
- I see.
I'll grab some of the old ones out the back.
- And what am I meant to do about these?
- Have you got anything there we can give her?
- There's some yoghourts that got brought back.
- Please accept these with our humble apologies.
- I don't know what Leighton's got planned
but I've got a feeling it's going to be awesome.
- Sounds magic.
- Are you still dirty-bussing it? - Yeah, traditional.
- I just thought I'd say that I understand
if you want to have one last night of freedom.
- You what?
- If you want to shag someone else, you can.
- You'd do that for me?
- Yeah, no anal, though.
- Wow.
Just when I think you can't get any more romantic,
and you come up with this.
Ah, come here.
- [Richard] Yep.
- Oh sorry, I can come back later if you're busy.
- Busy? Shut up!
Come in, mate. Sit yo ass down.
Just having a quick Battlefield with the guys from T-Mobile.
- So you said you wanted to see me?
- Yeah, how's the job hunt going?
- I haven't found a job yet.
I mean, I'm looking but-- - I see potential in you.
Hell, you remind me of a young Richard France.
I think you'd make a cracking deputy manager.
- I like it here, it's just not really what I want to do.
- Right, well, if you're not living your dreams,
change them.
I used to dream about being a normal guy,
but I'm not normal.
I'm special.
I gotta to live with that every day.
- These are Better ones as well.
How about you? Any luck?
- Well I've managed to find one old Valco bag.
Maybe everyone could share it.
- What are we going to do?
- Is the bag share a no go?
- Leighton, you realise what this means?
We're a supermarket with no bags.
Oh, there you are. We've got an emergency!
- Awesome. Shoot.
- We're completely out of usable bags.
The Better ones are all splitting. - Sorry, is that bad?
- It's terrible!
We've got queues of complaining customers.
- Right, just stay calm.
Let's flip-reverse this problem.
How can we fix this?
- I don't know, I don't know.
I've never had to deal with anything like this before,
I mean, normally. Oh, there you are, thank God!
Gavin, we need you.
- Oh, what's the matter? - We're out of usable bags.
The new ones are all splitting.
- Good Lord, I mean.
Dude, that's so uncool.
- So what should we do?
- Well, maybe this is what Valco Better's all about.
No bags, everyone just carries their stuff.
Enviro-friendly, hey, Rich?
- Gavin, are you out of your shitting mind?
This is a crisis!
- Well, no, I was just thinking maybe, if--
- Just forget it.
Let us deal with this, yeah?
No bags?
Right.
Come on, then, let's think.
Come on, France.
Come on, come on, come on. - Wait!
Pedal bins.
- Yes, love it!
Sorry, what? What are they?
- Pedal bin bags.
They're roughly carrier bag size.
We've got plenty in stock.
We just use those.
- Tick, tick, tick, boom!
That right there, from your mouth, genius.
Do it.
- Hey.
- Leighton, I want you to grab
all the pedal bin bags you can, take them to the tills.
We're going to use those instead of carrier bags.
- Great.
- I was going to say pedal bins.
- Steady.
- Sorry, not putting you off, am I?
- No, all fine. Your turn.
- You know you stick your tongue out when you're concentrating, like a dog.
- I don't care.
- And I can see your knickers.
- What? - Yes!
Right, yes! - Rematch.
- Sophie, MC Poison, what a lovely surprise.
Shouldn't you two be at school?
- I left three years ago, Nev.
- Yes, of course.
Sophie, shouldn't you be in school? - Shut up, Neville!
- What about that film last night?
"Beetlejuice, Beetlejuice." - Neville!
Um, I've come to say I'm moving back with Mum.
- Why? What did I do wrong?
Look, if it's about me walking in on you and MC Poison,
I did say I'm sorry. - No, it's not that.
It's just Mum's not pissed off at me going out with Poison any more,
so there's no point me living with you.
- Right, OK.
If you think that's for the best.
At least you'll have your old room again. Why don't you take this for it?
- Oh, thanks Dad.
- Aw, Sophie, come on.
- Get off me, Neville!
- Sorry, yes, quite right.
- Look, can I borrow 40 quid?
- I think I've only got 10 on me.
- Brilliant.
See you.
- Bye, Soph.
- I'm still living at yours. - Oh, good.
- Hiya.
Just to let you know they don't say "Valco" on them,
so you might want to make sure people tell customers
that they're Valco bags.
- OK, got it.
- Hiya.
Just to let you know they don't say. - Yeah, yeah, yeah, I heard you.
Oi, Leighton, come here a minute.
- I know but I'm in the middle of an emergency.
- Just come here.
No offence, but you can't have Colin's stag in the canteen.
And the clown's a shit idea.
- But I've booked him now and everything.
- I've sorted summat else.
The Pussy Palace, they're expecting you.
- But I'm allergic to cats.
- That's not going to be a problem.
- Gavin Leslie Strong.
- Julie Cook saves the day!
What you gonna do next, Wonder Woman, huh?
- Oh, don't be silly.
- Hey, there's nothing silly about what you did today.
A problem rode in here.
A big stag of a problem with big balls on it.
You rode that stag, tamed it, turned it back into a pony.
- Yes, you really don't know much about animals,
do you, Richard?
- Well, I know a shark when I see one.
- I was only doing what I thought Gavin would do.
- Gavin?
Ha-ha! Don't make me LOL.
Gavin couldn't deal with this chaos.
You had to step in and manage.
Maybe that makes you a better manager than him.
- Nobody's a better manager than Gavin.
Not even Captain Kirk.
- Not how it looks from RF's POV.
Look, you might want to have a think about today, Jules,
about how well you "managed".
- Oh, Anna.
Look, I know we may not see eye to eye,
but could I have a quick word? - Alright, what is this?
I thought I could hear a ghost.
Somebody dead to me.
- Please, it's about Gavin.
- Oh, surprise, surprise! Julie wants to talk about my Gavin.
- I'm worried about him.
I think things may be going on behind the scenes.
- Oh, there are things going on behind the scenes.
Julie Cook is behind the scenes, thinking,
"Oh, how I must make love to Gavin.
"How I must have him inside me."
- No, no, at Valco!
I think his position might be in danger.
Honestly, I really don't want him inside me.
- You must not worry about Gavin.
I worry about him.
- I'm trying to help him.
- Then stay away from Gavin!
He is my man.
He will never be your man!
I will kill us all before this can ever happen!
- OK, where's Daz?
- Wa-hey!
- You don't need to bring your own drink, Daz.
- Nah, it's for Colin.
We've all pissed in it.
Gonna make him drink it.
- Why? - Stag!
- Stag, stag, stag, stag!
(cheering)
- All right, I've got to take this back tomorrow, boys.
- Lads, keep it down.
- Oh, Neville, are you coming or what?
- Are you going out for a drink? - Well, yeah, it's my stag do.
Come, don't be a twat.
- Yes, why not?
MC Poison, d'you fancy a boys' night out?
- I'm staying in tonight.
- Right, I'd better find you a key.
- Already got one.
- Right.
Ooh, a little drink?
Don't mind if I do.
- D'you know something, Anna?
For the first time, I've had a day
where I wished I wasn't the manager of Valco.
- Oh, my poor warrior.
I have noticed that you have been unhappy
and it hurts me to see this, so I have been thinking.
I'm moving in with you!
- What?
- I will live with you and make you happy.
- But we haven't discussed this.
- I am not taking no for an answer.
We will live together.
You will give me a son.
I can't wait to move my pianos in.
♫ Get your cocks out
♫ Get your cocks out for the girls
- [Ian] See you tomorrow, Gavin.
- 'Scuse me, I'm looking for Leighton.
- I think he's already left.
- Bastard.
(upbeat music)