1 00:00:00,203 --> 00:00:01,470 (mid-tempo music) 2 00:00:01,570 --> 00:00:02,303 - Valco 3 00:00:02,403 --> 00:00:03,969 - Serves you right. - I'm quite nervous. 4 00:00:04,069 --> 00:00:05,662 - You won't beat our prices. (laughing) 5 00:00:05,762 --> 00:00:08,572 - Can she stop that now? - Fish and ticks. 6 00:00:08,672 --> 00:00:09,630 - Red hot deals. 7 00:00:09,730 --> 00:00:11,997 - Offers on everything from booze to biscuits. 8 00:00:12,097 --> 00:00:13,804 - Loads of two-for-ones. 9 00:00:13,904 --> 00:00:15,991 - (vocalising) Boom. 10 00:00:16,091 --> 00:00:17,602 - Fresh produce. - Delivered daily. 11 00:00:17,702 --> 00:00:19,744 - Am I getting paid for this? - Don't forget the Valco tick. 12 00:00:19,744 --> 00:00:20,661 - Oh, Valco tick. 13 00:00:20,761 --> 00:00:21,568 - That way. 14 00:00:21,668 --> 00:00:22,864 - [Both] Serves you right. 15 00:00:22,964 --> 00:00:24,818 - Valco, serves you right. 16 00:00:24,918 --> 00:00:27,585 - [All] Valco, serves you right. 17 00:00:33,454 --> 00:00:34,751 - Break out zone. 18 00:00:34,851 --> 00:00:36,426 Break out zone. 19 00:00:36,526 --> 00:00:37,403 Loading bay. 20 00:00:37,503 --> 00:00:39,051 Break out zone, please, Katie. 21 00:00:39,151 --> 00:00:40,224 Loading bay. 22 00:00:40,324 --> 00:00:42,559 - Mr France, am I in the loading bay or the break out zone? 23 00:00:42,559 --> 00:00:43,292 - Loading bay. 24 00:00:43,392 --> 00:00:44,590 - Yes! 25 00:00:44,690 --> 00:00:46,709 - Leighton, what's going on? - No idea. 26 00:00:53,407 --> 00:00:54,640 - Here are the headlines. 27 00:00:54,740 --> 00:00:58,442 Valco Warrington nominated for award, bong. 28 00:00:58,542 --> 00:00:59,375 (Julie laughing) 29 00:00:59,375 --> 00:01:03,654 Judges coming in to check out the store, bong. 30 00:01:03,754 --> 00:01:06,850 Staff in hysterics at News at Ten style briefing. 31 00:01:06,950 --> 00:01:08,653 (laughing) 32 00:01:08,753 --> 00:01:12,149 - We've been shortlisted for Best Retail Outlet, 33 00:01:12,249 --> 00:01:13,765 West Cheshire region. 34 00:01:13,865 --> 00:01:15,504 (laughing) 35 00:01:15,604 --> 00:01:18,771 This competition is bigger than Jesus, 36 00:01:19,903 --> 00:01:23,451 and I've hand-picked you guys to be my A team. 37 00:01:23,551 --> 00:01:24,991 - What Richard's saying is that you've 38 00:01:24,991 --> 00:01:28,986 been chosen to work today to impress the judges. 39 00:01:29,086 --> 00:01:30,771 - Get in, I love competitions, me. 40 00:01:30,871 --> 00:01:32,230 (laughing) 41 00:01:32,330 --> 00:01:35,111 - So let's put on our game faces on, people. 42 00:01:35,211 --> 00:01:36,435 Can I get a whoop whoop? 43 00:01:36,535 --> 00:01:38,349 - [All] Whoop whoop. - Can I get a boom boom? 44 00:01:38,449 --> 00:01:39,274 - [All] Boom boom. 45 00:01:39,374 --> 00:01:40,584 - Can I get a fuck, yeah? 46 00:01:40,684 --> 00:01:42,699 - Oh no, that's a little too much. - All right, yep. 47 00:01:42,799 --> 00:01:45,812 You're all winners. Go get 'em, go on! 48 00:01:45,912 --> 00:01:48,052 - Richard, Richard, I've been looking at the books 49 00:01:48,152 --> 00:01:50,301 and the customer numbers are way down. 50 00:01:50,401 --> 00:01:51,838 Won't the judges notice? 51 00:01:51,938 --> 00:01:56,735 - J-Dog, this store will be full of people, trust me. 52 00:01:56,835 --> 00:01:57,568 Follow! 53 00:01:57,668 --> 00:01:58,911 (Julie giggling) 54 00:01:59,011 --> 00:02:01,684 (laughing) 55 00:02:01,784 --> 00:02:02,783 - It's a nervous thing. 56 00:02:02,883 --> 00:02:04,212 I giggle when I'm stressed. 57 00:02:04,312 --> 00:02:06,338 - Are you worried about the judges? - I don't like 'em. 58 00:02:06,338 --> 00:02:09,037 I always think they're judging me. - What's the worst that can happen? 59 00:02:09,037 --> 00:02:11,082 They look at the fish counter, think it's shit, 60 00:02:11,182 --> 00:02:14,426 you lose us the competition, get sacked, and end up living in a hostel. 61 00:02:14,526 --> 00:02:16,570 (laughing) 62 00:02:16,670 --> 00:02:19,311 - You guys are my special team. 63 00:02:19,411 --> 00:02:22,494 Each and every one of you is special. 64 00:02:23,836 --> 00:02:25,343 - Oh, it's just like being at school. 65 00:02:25,443 --> 00:02:28,756 - And when you're special you make your own rules, 66 00:02:28,856 --> 00:02:30,474 even if those rules breach those 67 00:02:30,574 --> 00:02:32,968 of the West Cheshire Retail Awards. 68 00:02:33,068 --> 00:02:35,860 Long story short, I want you to cover up your uniforms, 69 00:02:35,960 --> 00:02:37,343 pretend to be customers. 70 00:02:37,443 --> 00:02:38,260 - Richard! 71 00:02:38,360 --> 00:02:40,436 - Do it, you'll all get double time. 72 00:02:40,536 --> 00:02:41,269 - Yes, come on. 73 00:02:41,369 --> 00:02:42,136 - Eat my goal. 74 00:02:42,236 --> 00:02:43,330 - Suck my balls. 75 00:02:43,430 --> 00:02:44,824 - I like your style, Keith. 76 00:02:44,924 --> 00:02:45,657 - Colin. 77 00:02:45,757 --> 00:02:47,618 - Richard, we really need to talk about this. 78 00:02:47,718 --> 00:02:51,661 - At no point are you to reveal that you are staff. 79 00:02:51,761 --> 00:02:53,240 Just wander round the store, 80 00:02:53,340 --> 00:02:57,205 revelling in the awesome beauty of Valco Better. 81 00:02:57,305 --> 00:02:58,997 Leighton, you look Confused.com. 82 00:02:59,097 --> 00:03:03,690 - Do I pretend to be a customer who's working at Valco? 83 00:03:03,790 --> 00:03:04,868 - Keith, explain it to him. 84 00:03:04,868 --> 00:03:07,498 And I'm gonna need some eye candy about the place, I think, 85 00:03:07,598 --> 00:03:10,931 so let's have you in the break out zone looking gorgeous. 86 00:03:11,031 --> 00:03:11,764 - Great. 87 00:03:11,864 --> 00:03:13,583 - Yeah, not you, yeah. Right, go. 88 00:03:15,257 --> 00:03:17,418 - Richard, have you lost your mind? 89 00:03:17,518 --> 00:03:18,558 If Gavin finds out. 90 00:03:18,658 --> 00:03:20,387 - Gavin, Gavin who? 91 00:03:20,487 --> 00:03:24,320 There's no one here by that name, not anymore. 92 00:03:25,758 --> 00:03:29,637 - Gavin, you've been with us now for, what, 12 years. 93 00:03:29,737 --> 00:03:31,162 - It's 25, actually. 94 00:03:31,262 --> 00:03:32,095 - 25. 95 00:03:33,716 --> 00:03:36,496 Human resources, bunch of muppets. 96 00:03:36,596 --> 00:03:38,442 Look, as you know, I mean, things change, 97 00:03:38,542 --> 00:03:40,778 people change, businesses change. 98 00:03:40,878 --> 00:03:44,906 - I'll save you the speech, Martin. There's no need to sack me. 99 00:03:45,006 --> 00:03:46,912 I've written my letter of resignation. 100 00:03:47,012 --> 00:03:49,280 - Oh, well, that's a load off. 101 00:03:49,380 --> 00:03:51,726 God, I'm rubbish at this kind of thing. They sent me on a course once, 102 00:03:51,726 --> 00:03:53,210 I was bloody useless. 103 00:03:53,310 --> 00:03:55,138 Actually, there's a funny story about that-- 104 00:03:55,138 --> 00:03:57,328 - The truth is, Martin, I've, 105 00:03:57,428 --> 00:03:59,215 I've fallen out of love with Valco. 106 00:03:59,315 --> 00:04:00,632 If Valco were a woman, 107 00:04:00,732 --> 00:04:02,512 we'd be sleeping in separate bedrooms. 108 00:04:02,612 --> 00:04:05,432 - Exactly, now it's time to find a new Valco. 109 00:04:05,532 --> 00:04:09,818 Maybe one with bigger tits, eh? (laughs) 110 00:04:09,918 --> 00:04:12,634 Now look, your contract says you've got a one month notice period. 111 00:04:12,734 --> 00:04:15,685 - It's three months, actually. - Three months. 112 00:04:15,785 --> 00:04:20,261 Well look, if you want you can, well leave now, 113 00:04:20,361 --> 00:04:22,906 and then you can work out your notice at home. 114 00:04:23,006 --> 00:04:25,427 - Oh, I couldn't leave the store without doing a stock check. 115 00:04:25,427 --> 00:04:27,962 What, I'm not an animal! 116 00:04:28,062 --> 00:04:29,464 No, just give me a couple of hours 117 00:04:29,564 --> 00:04:32,064 to finish up and I'll be gone. 118 00:04:33,532 --> 00:04:34,365 - Okay. 119 00:04:38,471 --> 00:04:40,657 Look, on the plus side, you're gonna have a lot more time 120 00:04:40,657 --> 00:04:42,561 to spend with your wife and your kids. 121 00:04:42,661 --> 00:04:44,226 - I haven't got any children 122 00:04:44,326 --> 00:04:46,993 and my wife died four years ago. 123 00:04:48,337 --> 00:04:49,837 - Human resources. 124 00:04:52,849 --> 00:04:55,448 - We're getting paid to go shopping. 125 00:04:55,548 --> 00:04:57,549 This is going to be the bollocks. 126 00:04:57,649 --> 00:04:58,382 - Yeah. 127 00:04:58,482 --> 00:05:00,723 How many widescreen tellies can we fit in a trolley? 128 00:05:00,823 --> 00:05:02,054 - Um, oh, I don't know. 129 00:05:02,154 --> 00:05:04,888 Depends on how much champagne we've got. (laughing) 130 00:05:04,988 --> 00:05:06,445 - I can't believe I'm going to be 131 00:05:06,545 --> 00:05:08,024 taking things off the shelf. 132 00:05:08,124 --> 00:05:11,506 I've only ever put things on the shelf. It'll be like, like landing on the moon. 133 00:05:11,606 --> 00:05:13,602 - I've never been shopping without my Alan. 134 00:05:13,702 --> 00:05:17,452 Oh, I feel right independent, like a lesbian. 135 00:05:18,486 --> 00:05:19,954 - Get us a coffee will you, Nev? 136 00:05:20,054 --> 00:05:21,755 I've got ink on me tongue. 137 00:05:21,855 --> 00:05:23,064 - Coming right up. 138 00:05:23,164 --> 00:05:24,289 ♫ Bitch on my balls 139 00:05:24,389 --> 00:05:26,359 ♫ I said I got a bitch on my balls 140 00:05:26,459 --> 00:05:28,162 ♫ I got a bitch on my 141 00:05:28,262 --> 00:05:30,478 - Ah, my daughter's boyfriend, MC Poison, 142 00:05:30,578 --> 00:05:32,846 he changed the ringtone, the little prankster. 143 00:05:32,946 --> 00:05:35,566 So it plays that tune every time my ex-wife rings. 144 00:05:35,666 --> 00:05:36,966 - Giving you grief again, is she? 145 00:05:36,966 --> 00:05:39,447 - My eldest has moved back home and apparently 146 00:05:39,547 --> 00:05:41,583 it has ruined Vanessa's holiday plans. 147 00:05:41,683 --> 00:05:42,786 ♫ Bitch on my balls 148 00:05:42,886 --> 00:05:44,762 ♫ I said I got a bitch on my balls 149 00:05:44,862 --> 00:05:45,924 ♫ I got a bitch on my balls 150 00:05:46,024 --> 00:05:49,281 - I really must find the ruddy manual. 151 00:05:49,381 --> 00:05:50,214 Jesus. 152 00:05:52,208 --> 00:05:53,585 - I can't believe he's been fired. 153 00:05:53,685 --> 00:05:56,033 - Oh, come on, J-Co, you can't be surprised about Gavin. 154 00:05:56,133 --> 00:05:58,461 You've been practically doing his job the last month. 155 00:05:58,561 --> 00:05:59,385 Shelly! 156 00:05:59,485 --> 00:06:00,318 Over here. 157 00:06:02,043 --> 00:06:03,597 Not a word about the fake customers, all right? 158 00:06:03,597 --> 00:06:04,815 We're in this together. 159 00:06:04,915 --> 00:06:08,332 - So many lies, Richard, I don't know if I can cope. 160 00:06:08,432 --> 00:06:11,268 - Well, life is lies and lies are life. 161 00:06:11,368 --> 00:06:12,580 Ain't that the real truth? 162 00:06:12,680 --> 00:06:13,683 - That doesn't make sense. 163 00:06:13,683 --> 00:06:14,973 - If you want to be manager, keep your mouth shut 164 00:06:14,973 --> 00:06:18,052 or I'll fire you myself, okay? 165 00:06:18,152 --> 00:06:19,343 You ready, Shelly? 166 00:06:19,443 --> 00:06:20,217 - As I'll ever be. 167 00:06:20,317 --> 00:06:21,050 - Great. 168 00:06:21,150 --> 00:06:23,067 Right, action stations. 169 00:06:26,218 --> 00:06:28,427 - Bloody hell, it's the Krankies. - Hello. 170 00:06:29,472 --> 00:06:31,665 Good morning and welcome. 171 00:06:31,765 --> 00:06:32,977 - I'm Laura Chambers. 172 00:06:33,077 --> 00:06:34,555 This is my colleague, Clive. 173 00:06:34,655 --> 00:06:35,655 - Hello, oh. 174 00:06:36,894 --> 00:06:38,230 - You must be Mr France? 175 00:06:38,330 --> 00:06:41,215 - Oh please, call me Richard. (laughs) 176 00:06:41,315 --> 00:06:43,797 This is one of our up and coming stars, Julie Cook. 177 00:06:43,897 --> 00:06:47,062 - I think we met once at a conference in Runcorn. 178 00:06:47,162 --> 00:06:49,277 - (giggles) Small world. 179 00:06:49,377 --> 00:06:51,036 Oh God, I'm sorry. 180 00:06:51,136 --> 00:06:54,238 - And this our CEO Martin Shell. 181 00:06:54,338 --> 00:06:55,171 - Strap yourself in, folks, 182 00:06:55,171 --> 00:06:57,310 you're in for a hell of ride with this fella. 183 00:06:57,410 --> 00:06:59,764 - (laughs) Wee! 184 00:06:59,864 --> 00:07:02,615 Right, who wants champagne? 185 00:07:02,715 --> 00:07:04,769 - I think we'll just get on, thank you. 186 00:07:04,869 --> 00:07:05,996 - Yep. 187 00:07:06,096 --> 00:07:09,537 - I want to see a normal working day in Valco Warrington. 188 00:07:09,637 --> 00:07:11,337 No tricks or gimmicks. 189 00:07:11,437 --> 00:07:13,580 - Message received and understood. 190 00:07:13,680 --> 00:07:14,807 Shall we? 191 00:07:14,907 --> 00:07:16,551 No, all right. 192 00:07:16,651 --> 00:07:18,334 - [Both] Give me a V-A-- 193 00:07:18,434 --> 00:07:19,267 - No, no. 194 00:07:23,519 --> 00:07:25,844 - [Both] Valco, yay. 195 00:07:25,944 --> 00:07:30,453 - So, have you ever worked in a supermarket before? 196 00:07:30,553 --> 00:07:32,661 - Can you name some? 197 00:07:32,761 --> 00:07:34,123 - Tesco? 198 00:07:34,223 --> 00:07:35,317 - No. 199 00:07:35,417 --> 00:07:36,521 - Lidl? 200 00:07:36,621 --> 00:07:37,600 - No. 201 00:07:37,700 --> 00:07:39,700 Oh, how about Superdrug? 202 00:07:40,847 --> 00:07:42,394 - It's more of a chemist, really. 203 00:07:42,494 --> 00:07:44,687 - Oh, that's a shame. 204 00:07:44,787 --> 00:07:46,999 - Did you used to work there? 205 00:07:47,099 --> 00:07:47,932 - No. 206 00:07:49,971 --> 00:07:52,047 - Oh look, darling, champers. 207 00:07:52,147 --> 00:07:53,562 - Oh, ha ha ha. 208 00:07:53,662 --> 00:07:56,447 How absolutely bollocking marvellous. - [Both] Give us a V. 209 00:07:56,547 --> 00:07:58,132 - It's my first year as head judge, 210 00:07:58,232 --> 00:08:00,703 so I want everything above board and honest. 211 00:08:00,803 --> 00:08:02,392 I've taken over from Brendan Atkins 212 00:08:02,392 --> 00:08:04,660 and I don't have to tell you what a stickler he was. 213 00:08:04,760 --> 00:08:06,152 - Brendan Atkins? 214 00:08:06,252 --> 00:08:07,882 Those are big shoes to fill. 215 00:08:07,982 --> 00:08:09,232 Big, big shoes. 216 00:08:11,650 --> 00:08:14,733 - She means in retail awards context. 217 00:08:15,864 --> 00:08:16,597 - Oh, Julie. 218 00:08:16,697 --> 00:08:17,697 Julie, look. 219 00:08:18,595 --> 00:08:21,226 I'm doing it. (laughs) 220 00:08:21,326 --> 00:08:25,556 - We're on first name terms with a lot of our regular customers. 221 00:08:25,656 --> 00:08:27,871 It's just like one big happy family. 222 00:08:27,971 --> 00:08:30,932 Can I ask you, madam, what you think of Valco Better? 223 00:08:31,032 --> 00:08:32,980 - Oh, it's lovely. 224 00:08:33,080 --> 00:08:35,908 Everyone is so friendly. (laughs) 225 00:08:36,008 --> 00:08:38,799 It's the best place I've ever worked. 226 00:08:38,899 --> 00:08:39,732 - Worked? 227 00:08:40,755 --> 00:08:41,922 - Alzheimer's. 228 00:08:43,571 --> 00:08:45,124 - Shall we press on? 229 00:08:45,224 --> 00:08:47,364 - Margaret, why don't you go and do some shopping? 230 00:08:47,464 --> 00:08:49,214 You don't, oh my God. 231 00:08:51,505 --> 00:08:53,935 Leighton, you're meant to be a customer. 232 00:08:54,035 --> 00:08:54,768 - I am. 233 00:08:54,868 --> 00:08:57,331 I'm just a really helpful customer who knows where the mop is. 234 00:08:57,331 --> 00:08:58,126 I'm in character. 235 00:08:58,226 --> 00:08:59,085 - You're a customer. 236 00:08:59,185 --> 00:09:01,268 You do not work at Valco. 237 00:09:02,579 --> 00:09:04,186 - And this is a little space 238 00:09:04,286 --> 00:09:08,826 I like to call the (vocalising) break out zone. 239 00:09:08,926 --> 00:09:10,831 In here, customers can chillax 240 00:09:10,931 --> 00:09:14,286 with some sushi and a cappa-de-cino. 241 00:09:14,386 --> 00:09:16,303 - And Neville here makes the best latte 242 00:09:16,403 --> 00:09:17,136 in the west. 243 00:09:17,236 --> 00:09:18,249 (laughing) 244 00:09:18,349 --> 00:09:19,405 Of Cheshire. 245 00:09:19,505 --> 00:09:20,643 ♫ Bitch on my balls 246 00:09:20,743 --> 00:09:22,413 ♫ I've got a bitch on my balls 247 00:09:22,513 --> 00:09:26,413 ♫ I said I've got a bitch on my balls 248 00:09:26,513 --> 00:09:29,432 - Neville is part of our outreach seminars 249 00:09:29,532 --> 00:09:32,150 that connect with our more troubled teenage customers. 250 00:09:32,250 --> 00:09:34,584 In fact, Neville's visiting a drop-in centre 251 00:09:34,684 --> 00:09:38,315 for young offenders after his shift. 252 00:09:38,415 --> 00:09:39,720 - Good work, Neville, yeah. 253 00:09:39,820 --> 00:09:41,608 Credit to the uniform. 254 00:09:41,708 --> 00:09:44,093 - Actually, reaching out to the local community 255 00:09:44,193 --> 00:09:46,711 is one of the new award criteria. 256 00:09:46,811 --> 00:09:49,528 I added it in myself this year. 257 00:09:49,628 --> 00:09:50,361 - Really? 258 00:09:50,461 --> 00:09:53,308 I had absolutely no idea of that. 259 00:09:53,408 --> 00:09:54,974 Shall we move on? 260 00:09:55,074 --> 00:09:55,807 Yep. 261 00:09:55,907 --> 00:09:56,961 - [Julie] After you. 262 00:09:57,061 --> 00:09:57,794 (door knocking) 263 00:09:57,894 --> 00:09:58,727 - Come in. 264 00:10:04,336 --> 00:10:06,723 So, you're Calvin Richards? 265 00:10:06,823 --> 00:10:08,078 - Go easy on me, all right? 266 00:10:08,178 --> 00:10:11,655 I've not had an interview in years. 267 00:10:11,755 --> 00:10:14,005 (laughing) 268 00:10:16,896 --> 00:10:17,799 - Leighton? 269 00:10:17,899 --> 00:10:19,132 Are you all right? 270 00:10:19,232 --> 00:10:21,361 - Is it okay to lie sometimes, Gavin? 271 00:10:21,461 --> 00:10:23,313 - Why aren't you in your uniform? 272 00:10:23,413 --> 00:10:25,841 - My Alan hates grapes. 273 00:10:25,941 --> 00:10:28,305 Oh, this is so much fun. (laughs) 274 00:10:28,405 --> 00:10:30,988 I might even try smoking later. 275 00:10:32,160 --> 00:10:33,745 - What on earth's going on? 276 00:10:33,845 --> 00:10:37,105 - Mr. France said we have to pretend to be customers today. 277 00:10:37,205 --> 00:10:40,263 He's asked us to lie, Gavin. 278 00:10:40,363 --> 00:10:42,363 - Nights in white satin! 279 00:10:44,363 --> 00:10:45,479 - Question one. 280 00:10:45,579 --> 00:10:47,708 Do you have any previous experience? 281 00:10:47,808 --> 00:10:49,223 Sadly, yes, I do. 282 00:10:49,323 --> 00:10:50,056 Question two. 283 00:10:50,156 --> 00:10:51,612 What skills can you offer Valco? 284 00:10:51,712 --> 00:10:54,545 Well, I'm a trained butcher and qualified fire warden. 285 00:10:54,645 --> 00:10:55,895 Question three. 286 00:10:56,741 --> 00:10:58,824 Why do you want this job? 287 00:10:59,984 --> 00:11:02,444 I want this job because I want to be near to you. 288 00:11:02,544 --> 00:11:03,564 - Kieran. 289 00:11:03,664 --> 00:11:05,985 - If that means sitting on the checkout next to Neville, 290 00:11:06,085 --> 00:11:08,579 listening to his tragic stories or Lisa farting all day, 291 00:11:08,579 --> 00:11:11,564 then that's what I gotta do. 292 00:11:11,664 --> 00:11:14,551 I want this job 'cause you make me laugh. 293 00:11:14,651 --> 00:11:18,033 I can't think about anything else when we're not together. 294 00:11:18,133 --> 00:11:20,645 I want this job 'cause you make me do daft things, 295 00:11:20,745 --> 00:11:24,060 like hide a manky sausage in a baker's hat. 296 00:11:24,160 --> 00:11:28,327 But most of all, Katie, I want this job because I love you. 297 00:11:32,937 --> 00:11:37,104 - And this graph, pew (laughs), shows dynamic retail input 298 00:11:38,521 --> 00:11:40,970 alongside fluid recreditation. 299 00:11:41,070 --> 00:11:45,237 And this little lady here, this er, this little line, 300 00:11:46,637 --> 00:11:51,229 this line here at the bottom is going right to the top. 301 00:11:51,329 --> 00:11:53,181 - Sorry, Gav, can't let you through. 302 00:11:53,281 --> 00:11:55,666 - Ian, what are you doing? - Mr. France's orders. 303 00:11:55,766 --> 00:11:56,700 - But I'm the manager. 304 00:11:56,800 --> 00:11:58,514 - I'll lose my job and my reputation 305 00:11:58,614 --> 00:12:01,032 for elite security protection. 306 00:12:01,132 --> 00:12:03,677 I can't go back to working shopping centres, 307 00:12:03,777 --> 00:12:05,277 not with my knees. 308 00:12:12,407 --> 00:12:14,015 (grunting) 309 00:12:14,115 --> 00:12:16,198 I don't want to hurt you. 310 00:12:18,712 --> 00:12:19,545 Aah, ooh. 311 00:12:21,139 --> 00:12:22,456 He pinched me. 312 00:12:22,556 --> 00:12:23,672 - Gavin, what are you doing? 313 00:12:23,772 --> 00:12:25,796 - Oh God, thank God. You've no idea what's going on. 314 00:12:25,896 --> 00:12:27,859 - Perhaps we should go somewhere else and talk. 315 00:12:27,859 --> 00:12:29,480 - France has got some of the staff 316 00:12:29,580 --> 00:12:32,328 pretending to be customers. - Richard knows what he's doing. 317 00:12:32,428 --> 00:12:33,736 - But it's all lies, Julie. 318 00:12:33,836 --> 00:12:35,841 You can't run a supermarket on dishonesty and lies. 319 00:12:35,841 --> 00:12:37,586 This isn't Spain. 320 00:12:37,686 --> 00:12:40,436 - Life is lies and lies are life. 321 00:12:42,390 --> 00:12:44,306 Isn't that the real truth? 322 00:12:44,406 --> 00:12:46,022 - Do you know about this? 323 00:12:46,122 --> 00:12:48,392 What have you become? 324 00:12:48,492 --> 00:12:52,157 Does the Valco tick of trust mean nothing to you? 325 00:12:52,257 --> 00:12:54,781 - Times have changed, Gavin. 326 00:12:54,881 --> 00:12:57,821 Go home and forget about Valco. 327 00:12:57,921 --> 00:12:59,638 - Well, I think that's pretty much all from me. 328 00:12:59,638 --> 00:13:00,968 So, er, thanks for listening. 329 00:13:01,068 --> 00:13:04,551 (audience applauding) 330 00:13:04,651 --> 00:13:07,004 - That's more than five items. 331 00:13:07,104 --> 00:13:09,033 - Oh, is that all you've got, mate? - Mm-hm. 332 00:13:09,133 --> 00:13:10,193 - We're gonna be ages. 333 00:13:10,293 --> 00:13:14,126 So, if I were you, I'd sack it and go to ASDA. 334 00:13:15,382 --> 00:13:19,549 - And our fishmongers (laughs) provide a pant-wettingly good 335 00:13:20,560 --> 00:13:24,082 selection of fresh fish caught daily. 336 00:13:24,182 --> 00:13:27,200 Ray, why don't you talk us through what you got? 337 00:13:27,300 --> 00:13:29,550 (laughing) 338 00:13:32,581 --> 00:13:35,173 He's a real character, old Ray. (laughs) 339 00:13:35,273 --> 00:13:36,538 We encourage that here. 340 00:13:36,638 --> 00:13:39,616 Seriously though, Ray, talk us through the fish. 341 00:13:39,716 --> 00:13:41,966 (laughing) 342 00:13:44,740 --> 00:13:47,499 - Welcome to the Valco fish counter. 343 00:13:47,599 --> 00:13:50,880 We provide everything from skate, to bream, to sea bass. 344 00:13:50,980 --> 00:13:52,779 And for you budding Jamie Olivers, 345 00:13:52,879 --> 00:13:57,109 why not try the salted herring fresh from Norway? 346 00:13:57,209 --> 00:13:58,126 - Mm. - Mm. 347 00:13:59,183 --> 00:14:03,380 (laughs) You can almost smell the sea air, can't you? 348 00:14:03,480 --> 00:14:04,647 Oh, ah, right. 349 00:14:07,919 --> 00:14:11,919 Let's take a butchers at the butchers, shall we? 350 00:14:13,135 --> 00:14:15,999 - You've got three options. One, you give me this shitty job. 351 00:14:16,099 --> 00:14:17,881 Two, me and you go anywhere you want in the world. 352 00:14:17,881 --> 00:14:20,452 Or three, you can let me walk out the door and regret it for the rest of your life. 353 00:14:20,452 --> 00:14:22,566 Because well, let's face it, I'm a bit of a catch. 354 00:14:22,666 --> 00:14:24,833 Or there's a forth option. 355 00:14:28,386 --> 00:14:30,388 - These are Gavin's cycling shorts 356 00:14:30,488 --> 00:14:33,758 and this is his collection of Toby jugs, both shredded. 357 00:14:33,858 --> 00:14:35,432 - You girls and your shredding. 358 00:14:35,532 --> 00:14:37,117 Do you know, if I had a pound 359 00:14:37,217 --> 00:14:39,165 for every time my ex had cut up my clothes-- 360 00:14:39,265 --> 00:14:40,777 - It's a tradition in my country 361 00:14:40,877 --> 00:14:42,720 when a man and woman go their separate ways. 362 00:14:42,720 --> 00:14:43,921 ♫ Bitch on my balls 363 00:14:44,021 --> 00:14:44,854 ♫ I said I've got a bitch on my balls 364 00:14:44,854 --> 00:14:48,539 - Speak of the devil and she shall phone you, again. 365 00:14:48,639 --> 00:14:50,138 Just cancel that. 366 00:14:50,238 --> 00:14:52,837 - Never hide from a woman, Neville. 367 00:14:52,937 --> 00:14:54,938 Women respect strength. 368 00:14:55,038 --> 00:14:56,559 You must slap her about the face 369 00:14:56,659 --> 00:14:58,797 and then make love to her on the kitchen floor. 370 00:14:58,897 --> 00:15:00,744 - Do you know, I'm really not sure slapping my ex 371 00:15:00,744 --> 00:15:01,843 would be a very good idea-- 372 00:15:01,843 --> 00:15:05,357 - A woman can never respect a man who is weak, Neville. 373 00:15:05,457 --> 00:15:09,049 This is a fact as old as time itself. 374 00:15:09,149 --> 00:15:10,361 ♫ Bitch on my balls 375 00:15:10,461 --> 00:15:12,355 ♫ I said I've got a bitch on my balls 376 00:15:12,455 --> 00:15:14,339 ♫ I've got a bitch on 377 00:15:14,439 --> 00:15:15,439 - I knew it. 378 00:15:16,306 --> 00:15:19,144 - 432 pounds 57 pence, please. 379 00:15:19,244 --> 00:15:20,829 - We don't have to pay. 380 00:15:20,929 --> 00:15:22,161 - Duh, idiot. 381 00:15:22,261 --> 00:15:25,085 We're pretending to be customers and you're gonna blow our cover. 382 00:15:25,185 --> 00:15:26,834 - You've still gotta pay. 383 00:15:26,934 --> 00:15:29,017 - Oh, that is outrageous. 384 00:15:29,921 --> 00:15:33,095 I've never been so insulted in all me life. 385 00:15:33,195 --> 00:15:35,837 - What you talking like that for? 386 00:15:35,937 --> 00:15:37,064 Got it. 387 00:15:37,164 --> 00:15:40,731 I have been shopping at Valco for 20 years 388 00:15:40,831 --> 00:15:43,325 and this really takes the biscuit. 389 00:15:43,425 --> 00:15:44,520 - What's going on? 390 00:15:44,620 --> 00:15:47,624 Keep your voices down. - I am a journalist for Nuts Magazine 391 00:15:47,724 --> 00:15:50,759 and I intend to write about this appalling service. 392 00:15:50,859 --> 00:15:52,211 - Er, what seems to be the problem? 393 00:15:52,311 --> 00:15:54,546 - My husband has a bad back 394 00:15:54,646 --> 00:15:58,160 and needs someone to carry shopping to the car, 395 00:15:58,260 --> 00:16:01,177 but this bloke is refusing to help. 396 00:16:02,039 --> 00:16:04,699 - Perhaps we should go somewhere and discuss this in private? 397 00:16:04,799 --> 00:16:06,619 - We don't have time. 398 00:16:06,719 --> 00:16:10,480 We have to be at a ballet match in a half an hour. 399 00:16:10,580 --> 00:16:14,233 - Well, at Valco Better, we pride ourselves 400 00:16:14,333 --> 00:16:17,582 on our customers leaving with a smile. 401 00:16:17,682 --> 00:16:20,048 How can I make you smile today? 402 00:16:20,148 --> 00:16:22,885 - I'd like a complimentary bottle of Malibu. 403 00:16:22,985 --> 00:16:24,560 - And 200 Bensons. 404 00:16:24,660 --> 00:16:25,881 - Consider it done. 405 00:16:25,981 --> 00:16:26,714 - What? 406 00:16:26,814 --> 00:16:28,431 - I said it's no problem, all right? 407 00:16:28,531 --> 00:16:32,676 Sorry about that. I like to be quite hands on when I can. 408 00:16:33,640 --> 00:16:36,100 - I didn't ask her to leave. She wanted to come home. 409 00:16:36,200 --> 00:16:38,072 - And now I can't go on holiday. 410 00:16:38,172 --> 00:16:40,132 - I've not had a holiday for eight years. 411 00:16:40,232 --> 00:16:42,297 - [Ex-Wife] Oh, it's all about you, isn't it? 412 00:16:42,397 --> 00:16:43,130 - No. 413 00:16:43,230 --> 00:16:48,099 - You know the doctor said I needed to be in a hot climate every eight weeks. 414 00:16:48,199 --> 00:16:52,366 You are a pathetic, selfish little weasel of a man. 415 00:16:53,986 --> 00:16:54,963 - No. 416 00:16:55,063 --> 00:16:58,870 No, I am a strong man and you will listen to me 417 00:16:58,970 --> 00:17:01,110 because I have been pushed to my limit. 418 00:17:01,210 --> 00:17:03,180 To my bloody limit. 419 00:17:03,280 --> 00:17:05,163 Now you get the heck out of my workplace 420 00:17:05,263 --> 00:17:06,672 and you don't try and contact me 421 00:17:06,672 --> 00:17:09,676 until you have learned some goddamn respect. 422 00:17:09,776 --> 00:17:10,943 Is that clear? 423 00:17:15,641 --> 00:17:17,045 - Well, if you'd have been like that 424 00:17:17,145 --> 00:17:21,312 when we were married, I might not have, never mind. 425 00:17:22,895 --> 00:17:23,936 Vanessa? 426 00:17:24,036 --> 00:17:25,558 Vanessa, I didn't, I-- 427 00:17:25,658 --> 00:17:26,491 - Gavin. 428 00:17:27,354 --> 00:17:29,302 I have just heard you are leaving. 429 00:17:29,402 --> 00:17:30,634 - Oh, hello, Anna. 430 00:17:30,734 --> 00:17:33,612 Yes, it's true, I'm going. 431 00:17:33,712 --> 00:17:38,038 Oh, I see you've shredded all my belongings. 432 00:17:38,138 --> 00:17:38,871 Thank you. 433 00:17:38,971 --> 00:17:40,447 - I was angry. 434 00:17:40,547 --> 00:17:42,230 But now I am sad. 435 00:17:42,330 --> 00:17:43,660 Why so pale? 436 00:17:43,760 --> 00:17:46,197 - Today I didn't just lose my job. 437 00:17:46,297 --> 00:17:49,291 I lost a dear and functional friendship, too. 438 00:17:49,391 --> 00:17:51,852 - Well, now we're back here, ladies and gents, 439 00:17:51,952 --> 00:17:54,952 that pretty much concludes the tour. 440 00:17:57,296 --> 00:17:59,876 - Well, I have to say, I'm very impressed. 441 00:17:59,976 --> 00:18:00,857 Well done. 442 00:18:00,957 --> 00:18:02,962 - Well, you should see the next Valco Better we're planning. 443 00:18:02,962 --> 00:18:04,712 It'll dwarf this one. 444 00:18:05,819 --> 00:18:06,850 - Yeah, we'll be in touch. 445 00:18:06,950 --> 00:18:11,044 But between us, you should be very confident. 446 00:18:11,144 --> 00:18:12,180 - Wee, good. 447 00:18:12,280 --> 00:18:14,419 Wee! (laughs) (vocalises) 448 00:18:14,519 --> 00:18:15,335 See ya! 449 00:18:15,435 --> 00:18:17,896 - You and me are getting rat-arsed tonight, sunshine. 450 00:18:17,996 --> 00:18:18,729 - Wey! 451 00:18:18,829 --> 00:18:21,329 (men singing) 452 00:18:22,988 --> 00:18:24,572 - Good work, France! - Cheers, Shelly. 453 00:18:24,672 --> 00:18:26,416 But I couldn't have done it 454 00:18:26,516 --> 00:18:30,647 without the new manager of Valco Warrington, Julie Cook. 455 00:18:30,747 --> 00:18:32,471 - Hello, I am not a customer. 456 00:18:32,571 --> 00:18:35,338 I am a valued member of the Valco staff. 457 00:18:35,438 --> 00:18:37,202 I'm a valued member of the Valco staff 458 00:18:37,302 --> 00:18:39,645 and I will not lie any more. 459 00:18:39,745 --> 00:18:40,980 - What's he on about? 460 00:18:41,080 --> 00:18:43,124 - Er, sometimes we get the odd nutter in here. 461 00:18:43,224 --> 00:18:45,177 Julie, would you escort this gentleman 462 00:18:45,277 --> 00:18:47,731 off the premises, please? Shelly, what about that drink, eh? 463 00:18:47,731 --> 00:18:48,464 - Don't I know you? 464 00:18:48,564 --> 00:18:50,378 You look familiar. - Julie, quick as you can. 465 00:18:50,478 --> 00:18:54,463 - No, Leighton's telling the truth, Martin. 466 00:18:54,563 --> 00:18:57,290 Valco Better's been a disaster. 467 00:18:57,390 --> 00:19:01,557 This store is dying under Richard France's fascist junta. 468 00:19:03,022 --> 00:19:05,071 - What are you talking about? 469 00:19:05,171 --> 00:19:07,592 Things are looking pretty good from where I'm standing. 470 00:19:07,592 --> 00:19:10,042 - These aren't real shoppers, Martin. 471 00:19:10,142 --> 00:19:11,855 They work at Valco. 472 00:19:11,955 --> 00:19:16,010 - Oh, hang on, I think Julie's having another breakdown. 473 00:19:16,110 --> 00:19:17,610 - I work at Valco. 474 00:19:18,581 --> 00:19:19,720 - I work at Valco. 475 00:19:19,820 --> 00:19:21,224 - I work at Valco. 476 00:19:21,324 --> 00:19:22,728 - I work at Valco. 477 00:19:22,828 --> 00:19:24,084 - [Men] We work at Valco. 478 00:19:24,184 --> 00:19:25,226 - I work at Valco. 479 00:19:25,326 --> 00:19:26,858 - I work at Valco. 480 00:19:26,958 --> 00:19:29,429 - You're in uniform, you div, everyone knows that. 481 00:19:29,529 --> 00:19:31,029 - I work at Valco. 482 00:19:32,057 --> 00:19:32,890 Oh, sorry. 483 00:19:37,688 --> 00:19:39,402 I work at Valco. 484 00:19:39,502 --> 00:19:42,160 (crowd cheering and applauding) 485 00:19:42,260 --> 00:19:43,829 - I work at Valco. 486 00:19:43,929 --> 00:19:44,672 - France. 487 00:19:44,772 --> 00:19:46,037 - Oh, come on, Shelly. 488 00:19:46,137 --> 00:19:47,711 So I bent the rules a little bit. 489 00:19:47,811 --> 00:19:50,480 Still impressed the funny little thing, didn't I? 490 00:19:50,580 --> 00:19:54,413 Hee-hee-hee, hello! (laughs) 491 00:19:58,708 --> 00:19:59,541 Boom. 492 00:20:00,412 --> 00:20:03,079 (toy squeaking) 493 00:20:07,495 --> 00:20:08,828 What a day, huh? 494 00:20:09,895 --> 00:20:12,366 Just finish clearing my crib and I'll be out 495 00:20:12,466 --> 00:20:15,576 of your follicles, onto the next shopatunity. 496 00:20:15,676 --> 00:20:18,796 - I just wanted to say no hard feelings, Richard. 497 00:20:18,896 --> 00:20:19,629 - Hard feelings? 498 00:20:19,729 --> 00:20:21,211 Oh, come on, Gav. 499 00:20:21,311 --> 00:20:22,897 You don't realise what I've done here. 500 00:20:22,997 --> 00:20:25,913 What I've always been doing, all along. 501 00:20:26,013 --> 00:20:27,793 I've united you. 502 00:20:27,893 --> 00:20:28,626 - Yes. 503 00:20:28,726 --> 00:20:33,078 You know, you're a very silly man who uses a lot of very silly words. 504 00:20:33,178 --> 00:20:35,611 And you nearly killed this wonderful place, you know it. 505 00:20:35,711 --> 00:20:36,847 Everyone does. 506 00:20:36,947 --> 00:20:38,128 Goodbye, Richard. 507 00:20:38,228 --> 00:20:38,961 - Do you not want-- 508 00:20:39,061 --> 00:20:39,894 - No. 509 00:20:41,306 --> 00:20:42,731 Boom! 510 00:20:42,831 --> 00:20:44,748 - Oh, wait, wait, wait. 511 00:20:48,271 --> 00:20:49,843 - Oh, you kept it. 512 00:20:49,943 --> 00:20:50,742 - Yeah. 513 00:20:50,842 --> 00:20:53,033 I guess I'm not the only soft one. 514 00:20:53,133 --> 00:20:55,460 - Where do you wanna go now, then? - The pub. 515 00:20:55,560 --> 00:20:57,497 - And after that? 516 00:20:57,597 --> 00:20:58,924 - I dunno. 517 00:20:59,024 --> 00:21:01,941 What's the weather like in Newquay? 518 00:21:04,727 --> 00:21:06,977 (laughing) 519 00:21:09,719 --> 00:21:11,949 - It's so good to see him happy again. 520 00:21:12,049 --> 00:21:14,936 - I'm just relieved things have gone back to normal. 521 00:21:15,036 --> 00:21:16,036 - Oh, Julie. 522 00:21:17,191 --> 00:21:19,438 Julie, Julie, Julie. 523 00:21:19,538 --> 00:21:21,838 Things can never go back to normal. 524 00:21:21,938 --> 00:21:23,191 - Why not? 525 00:21:23,291 --> 00:21:24,791 - Can you not see? 526 00:21:25,906 --> 00:21:28,073 Gavin is in love with you. 527 00:21:29,010 --> 00:21:31,971 This is why he broke my heart and ended our affair. 528 00:21:32,071 --> 00:21:35,584 This is why he can never leave this place. 529 00:21:35,684 --> 00:21:39,601 He loves you, Julie, and I think he always has. 530 00:21:41,052 --> 00:21:43,469 (slow music) 531 00:21:47,045 --> 00:21:49,628 (upbeat music) 532 00:22:21,929 --> 00:22:24,762 (mid-tempo music)