(mid-tempo music)
- Valco
- Serves you right. - I'm quite nervous.
- You won't beat our prices. (laughing)
- Can she stop that now? - Fish and ticks.
- Red hot deals.
- Offers on everything from booze to biscuits.
- Loads of two-for-ones.
- (vocalising) Boom.
- Fresh produce. - Delivered daily.
- Am I getting paid for this? - Don't forget the Valco tick.
- Oh, Valco tick.
- That way.
- [Both] Serves you right.
- Valco, serves you right.
- [All] Valco, serves you right.
- Break out zone.
Break out zone.
Loading bay.
Break out zone, please, Katie.
Loading bay.
- Mr France, am I in the loading bay or the break out zone?
- Loading bay.
- Yes!
- Leighton, what's going on? - No idea.
- Here are the headlines.
Valco Warrington nominated for award, bong.
(Julie laughing)
Judges coming in to check out the store, bong.
Staff in hysterics at News at Ten style briefing.
(laughing)
- We've been shortlisted for Best Retail Outlet,
West Cheshire region.
(laughing)
This competition is bigger than Jesus,
and I've hand-picked you guys to be my A team.
- What Richard's saying is that you've
been chosen to work today to impress the judges.
- Get in, I love competitions, me.
(laughing)
- So let's put on our game faces on, people.
Can I get a whoop whoop?
- [All] Whoop whoop. - Can I get a boom boom?
- [All] Boom boom.
- Can I get a fuck, yeah?
- Oh no, that's a little too much. - All right, yep.
You're all winners. Go get 'em, go on!
- Richard, Richard, I've been looking at the books
and the customer numbers are way down.
Won't the judges notice?
- J-Dog, this store will be full of people, trust me.
Follow!
(Julie giggling)
(laughing)
- It's a nervous thing.
I giggle when I'm stressed.
- Are you worried about the judges? - I don't like 'em.
I always think they're judging me. - What's the worst that can happen?
They look at the fish counter, think it's shit,
you lose us the competition, get sacked, and end up living in a hostel.
(laughing)
- You guys are my special team.
Each and every one of you is special.
- Oh, it's just like being at school.
- And when you're special you make your own rules,
even if those rules breach those
of the West Cheshire Retail Awards.
Long story short, I want you to cover up your uniforms,
pretend to be customers.
- Richard!
- Do it, you'll all get double time.
- Yes, come on.
- Eat my goal.
- Suck my balls.
- I like your style, Keith.
- Colin.
- Richard, we really need to talk about this.
- At no point are you to reveal that you are staff.
Just wander round the store,
revelling in the awesome beauty of Valco Better.
Leighton, you look Confused.com.
- Do I pretend to be a customer who's working at Valco?
- Keith, explain it to him.
And I'm gonna need some eye candy about the place, I think,
so let's have you in the break out zone looking gorgeous.
- Great.
- Yeah, not you, yeah. Right, go.
- Richard, have you lost your mind?
If Gavin finds out.
- Gavin, Gavin who?
There's no one here by that name, not anymore.
- Gavin, you've been with us now for, what, 12 years.
- It's 25, actually.
- 25.
Human resources, bunch of muppets.
Look, as you know, I mean, things change,
people change, businesses change.
- I'll save you the speech, Martin. There's no need to sack me.
I've written my letter of resignation.
- Oh, well, that's a load off.
God, I'm rubbish at this kind of thing. They sent me on a course once,
I was bloody useless.
Actually, there's a funny story about that--
- The truth is, Martin, I've,
I've fallen out of love with Valco.
If Valco were a woman,
we'd be sleeping in separate bedrooms.
- Exactly, now it's time to find a new Valco.
Maybe one with bigger tits, eh? (laughs)
Now look, your contract says you've got a one month notice period.
- It's three months, actually. - Three months.
Well look, if you want you can, well leave now,
and then you can work out your notice at home.
- Oh, I couldn't leave the store without doing a stock check.
What, I'm not an animal!
No, just give me a couple of hours
to finish up and I'll be gone.
- Okay.
Look, on the plus side, you're gonna have a lot more time
to spend with your wife and your kids.
- I haven't got any children
and my wife died four years ago.
- Human resources.
- We're getting paid to go shopping.
This is going to be the bollocks.
- Yeah.
How many widescreen tellies can we fit in a trolley?
- Um, oh, I don't know.
Depends on how much champagne we've got. (laughing)
- I can't believe I'm going to be
taking things off the shelf.
I've only ever put things on the shelf. It'll be like, like landing on the moon.
- I've never been shopping without my Alan.
Oh, I feel right independent, like a lesbian.
- Get us a coffee will you, Nev?
I've got ink on me tongue.
- Coming right up.
♫ Bitch on my balls
♫ I said I got a bitch on my balls
♫ I got a bitch on my
- Ah, my daughter's boyfriend, MC Poison,
he changed the ringtone, the little prankster.
So it plays that tune every time my ex-wife rings.
- Giving you grief again, is she?
- My eldest has moved back home and apparently
it has ruined Vanessa's holiday plans.
♫ Bitch on my balls
♫ I said I got a bitch on my balls
♫ I got a bitch on my balls
- I really must find the ruddy manual.
Jesus.
- I can't believe he's been fired.
- Oh, come on, J-Co, you can't be surprised about Gavin.
You've been practically doing his job the last month.
Shelly!
Over here.
Not a word about the fake customers, all right?
We're in this together.
- So many lies, Richard, I don't know if I can cope.
- Well, life is lies and lies are life.
Ain't that the real truth?
- That doesn't make sense.
- If you want to be manager, keep your mouth shut
or I'll fire you myself, okay?
You ready, Shelly?
- As I'll ever be.
- Great.
Right, action stations.
- Bloody hell, it's the Krankies. - Hello.
Good morning and welcome.
- I'm Laura Chambers.
This is my colleague, Clive.
- Hello, oh.
- You must be Mr France?
- Oh please, call me Richard. (laughs)
This is one of our up and coming stars, Julie Cook.
- I think we met once at a conference in Runcorn.
- (giggles) Small world.
Oh God, I'm sorry.
- And this our CEO Martin Shell.
- Strap yourself in, folks,
you're in for a hell of ride with this fella.
- (laughs) Wee!
Right, who wants champagne?
- I think we'll just get on, thank you.
- Yep.
- I want to see a normal working day in Valco Warrington.
No tricks or gimmicks.
- Message received and understood.
Shall we?
No, all right.
- [Both] Give me a V-A--
- No, no.
- [Both] Valco, yay.
- So, have you ever worked in a supermarket before?
- Can you name some?
- Tesco?
- No.
- Lidl?
- No.
Oh, how about Superdrug?
- It's more of a chemist, really.
- Oh, that's a shame.
- Did you used to work there?
- No.
- Oh look, darling, champers.
- Oh, ha ha ha.
How absolutely bollocking marvellous. - [Both] Give us a V.
- It's my first year as head judge,
so I want everything above board and honest.
I've taken over from Brendan Atkins
and I don't have to tell you what a stickler he was.
- Brendan Atkins?
Those are big shoes to fill.
Big, big shoes.
- She means in retail awards context.
- Oh, Julie.
Julie, look.
I'm doing it. (laughs)
- We're on first name terms with a lot of our regular customers.
It's just like one big happy family.
Can I ask you, madam, what you think of Valco Better?
- Oh, it's lovely.
Everyone is so friendly. (laughs)
It's the best place I've ever worked.
- Worked?
- Alzheimer's.
- Shall we press on?
- Margaret, why don't you go and do some shopping?
You don't, oh my God.
Leighton, you're meant to be a customer.
- I am.
I'm just a really helpful customer who knows where the mop is.
I'm in character.
- You're a customer.
You do not work at Valco.
- And this is a little space
I like to call the (vocalising) break out zone.
In here, customers can chillax
with some sushi and a cappa-de-cino.
- And Neville here makes the best latte
in the west.
(laughing)
Of Cheshire.
♫ Bitch on my balls
♫ I've got a bitch on my balls
♫ I said I've got a bitch on my balls
- Neville is part of our outreach seminars
that connect with our more troubled teenage customers.
In fact, Neville's visiting a drop-in centre
for young offenders after his shift.
- Good work, Neville, yeah.
Credit to the uniform.
- Actually, reaching out to the local community
is one of the new award criteria.
I added it in myself this year.
- Really?
I had absolutely no idea of that.
Shall we move on?
Yep.
- [Julie] After you.
(door knocking)
- Come in.
So, you're Calvin Richards?
- Go easy on me, all right?
I've not had an interview in years.
(laughing)
- Leighton?
Are you all right?
- Is it okay to lie sometimes, Gavin?
- Why aren't you in your uniform?
- My Alan hates grapes.
Oh, this is so much fun. (laughs)
I might even try smoking later.
- What on earth's going on?
- Mr. France said we have to pretend to be customers today.
He's asked us to lie, Gavin.
- Nights in white satin!
- Question one.
Do you have any previous experience?
Sadly, yes, I do.
Question two.
What skills can you offer Valco?
Well, I'm a trained butcher and qualified fire warden.
Question three.
Why do you want this job?
I want this job because I want to be near to you.
- Kieran.
- If that means sitting on the checkout next to Neville,
listening to his tragic stories or Lisa farting all day,
then that's what I gotta do.
I want this job 'cause you make me laugh.
I can't think about anything else when we're not together.
I want this job 'cause you make me do daft things,
like hide a manky sausage in a baker's hat.
But most of all, Katie, I want this job because I love you.
- And this graph, pew (laughs), shows dynamic retail input
alongside fluid recreditation.
And this little lady here, this er, this little line,
this line here at the bottom is going right to the top.
- Sorry, Gav, can't let you through.
- Ian, what are you doing? - Mr. France's orders.
- But I'm the manager.
- I'll lose my job and my reputation
for elite security protection.
I can't go back to working shopping centres,
not with my knees.
(grunting)
I don't want to hurt you.
Aah, ooh.
He pinched me.
- Gavin, what are you doing?
- Oh God, thank God. You've no idea what's going on.
- Perhaps we should go somewhere else and talk.
- France has got some of the staff
pretending to be customers. - Richard knows what he's doing.
- But it's all lies, Julie.
You can't run a supermarket on dishonesty and lies.
This isn't Spain.
- Life is lies and lies are life.
Isn't that the real truth?
- Do you know about this?
What have you become?
Does the Valco tick of trust mean nothing to you?
- Times have changed, Gavin.
Go home and forget about Valco.
- Well, I think that's pretty much all from me.
So, er, thanks for listening.
(audience applauding)
- That's more than five items.
- Oh, is that all you've got, mate? - Mm-hm.
- We're gonna be ages.
So, if I were you, I'd sack it and go to ASDA.
- And our fishmongers (laughs) provide a pant-wettingly good
selection of fresh fish caught daily.
Ray, why don't you talk us through what you got?
(laughing)
He's a real character, old Ray. (laughs)
We encourage that here.
Seriously though, Ray, talk us through the fish.
(laughing)
- Welcome to the Valco fish counter.
We provide everything from skate, to bream, to sea bass.
And for you budding Jamie Olivers,
why not try the salted herring fresh from Norway?
- Mm. - Mm.
(laughs) You can almost smell the sea air, can't you?
Oh, ah, right.
Let's take a butchers at the butchers, shall we?
- You've got three options. One, you give me this shitty job.
Two, me and you go anywhere you want in the world.
Or three, you can let me walk out the door and regret it for the rest of your life.
Because well, let's face it, I'm a bit of a catch.
Or there's a forth option.
- These are Gavin's cycling shorts
and this is his collection of Toby jugs, both shredded.
- You girls and your shredding.
Do you know, if I had a pound
for every time my ex had cut up my clothes--
- It's a tradition in my country
when a man and woman go their separate ways.
♫ Bitch on my balls
♫ I said I've got a bitch on my balls
- Speak of the devil and she shall phone you, again.
Just cancel that.
- Never hide from a woman, Neville.
Women respect strength.
You must slap her about the face
and then make love to her on the kitchen floor.
- Do you know, I'm really not sure slapping my ex
would be a very good idea--
- A woman can never respect a man who is weak, Neville.
This is a fact as old as time itself.
♫ Bitch on my balls
♫ I said I've got a bitch on my balls
♫ I've got a bitch on
- I knew it.
- 432 pounds 57 pence, please.
- We don't have to pay.
- Duh, idiot.
We're pretending to be customers and you're gonna blow our cover.
- You've still gotta pay.
- Oh, that is outrageous.
I've never been so insulted in all me life.
- What you talking like that for?
Got it.
I have been shopping at Valco for 20 years
and this really takes the biscuit.
- What's going on?
Keep your voices down. - I am a journalist for Nuts Magazine
and I intend to write about this appalling service.
- Er, what seems to be the problem?
- My husband has a bad back
and needs someone to carry shopping to the car,
but this bloke is refusing to help.
- Perhaps we should go somewhere and discuss this in private?
- We don't have time.
We have to be at a ballet match in a half an hour.
- Well, at Valco Better, we pride ourselves
on our customers leaving with a smile.
How can I make you smile today?
- I'd like a complimentary bottle of Malibu.
- And 200 Bensons.
- Consider it done.
- What?
- I said it's no problem, all right?
Sorry about that. I like to be quite hands on when I can.
- I didn't ask her to leave. She wanted to come home.
- And now I can't go on holiday.
- I've not had a holiday for eight years.
- [Ex-Wife] Oh, it's all about you, isn't it?
- No.
- You know the doctor said I needed to be in a hot climate every eight weeks.
You are a pathetic, selfish little weasel of a man.
- No.
No, I am a strong man and you will listen to me
because I have been pushed to my limit.
To my bloody limit.
Now you get the heck out of my workplace
and you don't try and contact me
until you have learned some goddamn respect.
Is that clear?
- Well, if you'd have been like that
when we were married, I might not have, never mind.
Vanessa?
Vanessa, I didn't, I--
- Gavin.
I have just heard you are leaving.
- Oh, hello, Anna.
Yes, it's true, I'm going.
Oh, I see you've shredded all my belongings.
Thank you.
- I was angry.
But now I am sad.
Why so pale?
- Today I didn't just lose my job.
I lost a dear and functional friendship, too.
- Well, now we're back here, ladies and gents,
that pretty much concludes the tour.
- Well, I have to say, I'm very impressed.
Well done.
- Well, you should see the next Valco Better we're planning.
It'll dwarf this one.
- Yeah, we'll be in touch.
But between us, you should be very confident.
- Wee, good.
Wee! (laughs) (vocalises)
See ya!
- You and me are getting rat-arsed tonight, sunshine.
- Wey!
(men singing)
- Good work, France! - Cheers, Shelly.
But I couldn't have done it
without the new manager of Valco Warrington, Julie Cook.
- Hello, I am not a customer.
I am a valued member of the Valco staff.
I'm a valued member of the Valco staff
and I will not lie any more.
- What's he on about?
- Er, sometimes we get the odd nutter in here.
Julie, would you escort this gentleman
off the premises, please? Shelly, what about that drink, eh?
- Don't I know you?
You look familiar. - Julie, quick as you can.
- No, Leighton's telling the truth, Martin.
Valco Better's been a disaster.
This store is dying under Richard France's fascist junta.
- What are you talking about?
Things are looking pretty good from where I'm standing.
- These aren't real shoppers, Martin.
They work at Valco.
- Oh, hang on, I think Julie's having another breakdown.
- I work at Valco.
- [Men] We work at Valco.
- I work at Valco.
- You're in uniform, you div, everyone knows that.
- I work at Valco.
Oh, sorry.
I work at Valco.
(crowd cheering and applauding)
- I work at Valco.
- France.
- Oh, come on, Shelly.
So I bent the rules a little bit.
Still impressed the funny little thing, didn't I?
Hee-hee-hee, hello! (laughs)
Boom.
(toy squeaking)
What a day, huh?
Just finish clearing my crib and I'll be out
of your follicles, onto the next shopatunity.
- I just wanted to say no hard feelings, Richard.
- Hard feelings?
Oh, come on, Gav.
You don't realise what I've done here.
What I've always been doing, all along.
I've united you.
- Yes.
You know, you're a very silly man who uses a lot of very silly words.
And you nearly killed this wonderful place, you know it.
Everyone does.
Goodbye, Richard.
- Do you not want--
- No.
Boom!
- Oh, wait, wait, wait.
- Oh, you kept it.
- Yeah.
I guess I'm not the only soft one.
- Where do you wanna go now, then? - The pub.
- And after that?
- I dunno.
What's the weather like in Newquay?
(laughing)
- It's so good to see him happy again.
- I'm just relieved things have gone back to normal.
- Oh, Julie.
Julie, Julie, Julie.
Things can never go back to normal.
- Why not?
- Can you not see?
Gavin is in love with you.
This is why he broke my heart and ended our affair.
This is why he can never leave this place.
He loves you, Julie, and I think he always has.
(slow music)
(upbeat music)
(mid-tempo music)