- That way?
- Tick.
- And I'm not doing that tick thing either.
- Am I getting paid for this?
- Ha ha!
- Valco.
- Serves you right.
- [All] Valco, serves you right.
(upbeat jingle music)
- Oh it was so funny, and they were all yellow.
- Yes, I've seen it before.
- Oh and one of the little ones, he had a skateboard.
I don't normally like new things
but I wish you'd have seen it.
- Uh huh. The Simpsons has actually
been around for some time.
- My Alan was in tears,
been on the phone to everybody since last night.
You've got to watch it, he's telling them. You've got to watch it.
- Like I say, its been on television since 19...
Really?
- Ooh!
(laughing)
- I'd like to say, what I say to all Valco new recruits,
there'll be tough times ahead, times when you wanna cry,
times when you just wanna jack it all in and go home.
- What if we've already come to that time?
- But if you pull through and put in your all,
this job can be the most rewarding job you'll ever have.
Now who's with me?
- You heard the news?
All the new starters talking about fresh meat
- Really?
- All those girls, scared, vulnerable, confused.
They're like what is going on.
They need someone like... to help them out.
Guaranteed to get your leg over mate.
- Oh my Alan's having a lot of trouble
getting his leg over at the minute.
He strains away for ages, he gets all red faced.
You know, I keep saying to him
"Get a smaller bike!".
- Oh thank goodness.
So you think I might have a chance with these new starters?
- Its guaranteed mate.
- This could be my lucky day.
Ow!
I appear to have cut my finger quite badly.
- Ooh, it's empty.
- So there you have it.
You know everything there is to know
about working at Valco.
- Would you like any pop tarts to go with your shopping madam?
- Yes please, I'd like two from the top
and four from the bottom.
(laughing)
- Also, I'd like one of these books.
They really are amazing.
- Great stuff there Carol.
You certainly helped me understand a few conundrums.
- Less of the jokes Gavin, I've got your number.
(giggling)
- That brings to an end your Valco training video
to use a sailing analogy.
Are you with me ship mates?
Lets serve them right.
- So there we have it, slightly dated
but I think you get the message.
- Stop it!
- Everything okay?
- Yeah, something in our throats.
- Any questions?
Yes, Rose is it?
What's your question?
- That awful man in the video made me feel really sick.
- Well that was me.
- And I can tell you, I won't be going in for any of that
serves you right rubbish.
So what's next?
- Do you have a prescription to pick up?
- No, just my shopping.
- On your way.
Gavin, Gavin, Gavin!
- Brian what is it, I'm run off my feet.
- Have you given any more thought to my assistant?
People keep wanting to buy food here.
- Well you just put it through the tills Brian.
- I'm a highly trained medic.
What does it say on this sign, Brian's pharmacy,
not Brian's grocery shop.
- It just says pharmacy.
- Yes I need to talk to you about the sign too.
My name should be up there
but we can sort that once you've found my assistant.
- Brian, I haven't got time to find you an assistant.
- I need someone serious but not boring.
A sense of humor's vital in this game. Tall too.
A lot of reaching up in this job
and they'd have to be intelligent. I've got a lot of knowledge,
and someone who can keep up with my brain.
- I thought I'd just drop Steven Frieckles,
see if he fancies it.
- A bit unlikely Gavin. He's a very busy man.
Shame though, he would be perfect.
What the hay, give him a ring. There's no harm in trying.
- Brian, I'm going to need...
- Ah Margaret, just the ticket.
How do you fancy being Brian's assistant for the day?
- Ooh!
- Well great, there you go.
I'll look into getting you a full time assistant
when I am less busy.
All happy, good!
- She's barely five foot.
- Oh I'm excited.
I've always wanted to be a nurse.
- Question, what does a shoplifter look like?
- Why you asking me?
I haven't stolen anything.
- No, I'm asking everyone.
- But you were looking at me,
singling out a little old lady, calling me a thief.
A drug addict!
- A shoplifter looks like you or me.
- What do you do if a shoplifter looks exactly like you?
- Exactly like me?
Well then you're into doppelganger territory.
If they looked exactly like me I'd get out of there.
But enough talk.
I'm going to show you how to stop an attacker.
I want one of you to come at me.
Don't be afraid, I am...
- That wasn't very good, was it?
You didn't stop me at all.
Should we have another try?
- What you reckon Lis?
If you were a new starter logging in, would you go for this?
- I'd need a few drinks first.
- Maybe I should try something else.
Lisa, what did you used to look for in a man
when you were single?
- A pulse.
- Yeah, she was a slapper.
(laughing)
- Don't laugh, she was. - Yeah I was.
- Here they come.
Get yourself ready mate.
You're gonna be filling your boots by lunchtime.
- Any lookers in there? - Lookers, lookers?
Come on Nev, you cannot play at Wembley every day mate.
- It would be nice to get my boots on though.
Hello ladies!
There's an older lady there too.
What do you think Colin? Probably my upper ceiling age wise,
still you know what they say,
the older the berry, the sweeter the juice.
- Shut up Neville!
Shut up!
- No way!
- Cauliflower!
- Oh nana, what the fly are you here?
- I'm starting today.
I thought it would be good to get out of the house
and I miss my little soldier.
I've been so lonely since you two moved out.
Where is he, where's my little soldier?
- Little soldier reporting for duty.
- Did you miss me and all?
- Oh yeah, it's very different without you there.
That smell's gone.
Turns out it wasn't the drains.
How many times Colin?
Tuck your shirt in.
- Not in front of everyone Nana.
- Don't be a fussy bear, no ones looking.
- What you mean no ones looking?
- Now have you had a wee? - Of course I've had a wee.
- Hey come on, still got half the store to show you.
- Could be jaundice or liver problems.
They both lead to yellow skin.
- They didn't look ill. You said they had yellow skin.
You tell this Mr Simpson to get checked out.
Are they local?
- No I think he's American.
Are you married Brian? - Yes, 18 years.
- Ooh, she's a lot younger than you.
- No, no, we've been married for 18 years.
She's a doctor.
- Ooh!
- It's no big deal being a doctor.
- It's a very important job.
- So is being a pharmacist.
I can save 300 lives a day at this counter.
A doctor saves, what, four, five tops.
Then goes for a round of golf. They're lazy.
- What about Doctor Roux he doesn't seem lazy.
- Time lord, not a real doctor.
Best thing I ever did was fail medical school.
Otherwise I'd be just another lazy doctor like my wife,
my brother, my other brother, his kids, my mum and dad.
- Are all your family doctors?
- Yes.
- So, you seeing anyone at the minute?
- I think I might be a bit old for you.
- It's alright, I like a car with a few miles on the clock.
- Cooee Colin, come on, come and sit with your Nan.
- Okay!
- Sorry Lisa, not really room.
Why don't you sit somewhere else?
- Yeah I'm fine there, thanks.
- Bloody hell Gavin, where's the fire?
- I'm stretched like a rubber band at the minute,
I'm even having to eat my lunch on the hop.
I hate eating jacket potatoes on the hop.
- When's Julie's replacement starting?
- That's just the thing really,
I still want to promote from within.
Are you sure that neither of you want to apply.
- Nah, not worth the hassle.
- What about my Colin?
(laughing)
- That's a good one. I needed that.
Can you imagine, it would be a disaster.
- I don't see what's so funny Gavin.
- Well its just that... - Quiet Gavin, I haven't finished.
- Oh sorry. No wait a minute...
- My Colin's a wonderful boy.
- Yeah wonderful but I'm not management material.
Gavin's right, I'd be a rubbish boss.
- Don't listen to Gavin.
He's a bloody fool.
- Rose, you are aware that I'm your manager?
- Of course I am, silly Gavin.
Perfect little soldier.
Remember those two little boys at school?
You were very good when you were being their boss.
- I bullied the one of them, I bullied them.
I got expelled!
- Because you were so good at it.
Come on Gavin, you said it yourself.
You wanna promote from within.
Colin is within.
Or are you going to go back on your word? - Its not really that simple.
- Because in my book, that would make you a liar.
Are you a liar Gavin?
- Only came in for a jacket potato.
- There, what do you think Doctor Brian?
Oh I'm sorry Brian, I keep forgetting you're not a doctor.
- It's fine.
If it helps you can call me Doctor Brian, I don't mind.
- Okey cokey, Doctor Brian.
- What's the circle thing?
- Oh well that's a pill.
I thought it'd be nice to have some pictures.
- And the squiggle?
- I tried to draw a headache, I don't know what they look like though.
- I do. Have you got a purple pen?
- Why?
- You cannot draw a headache without purple.
Medical fact!
- I'm bored!
- Me too.
- They've all closed off.
- I've just sat down Linda.
- Oh for me?
- Alright, you ready?
Chuga chuga chuga, coming out right, chuga chuga chuga,
chuga chuga chuga, we're over, woo hoo.
There you go.
- Can we go again?
- Oh for...
- This is mental Gavin, I'm not a management type.
- Yes this does seem a rather terrible idea I must say.
Still you must have some potential in you. - I don't think I do.
- No, admittedly it is a bit of a long shot.
- How do you do this?
- Can you not tie a tie?
- No, all my coat ones are clip ons.
- Right, there you go.
Looking... ah.
- Ah Gavin I look like a loser.
Why are we doing this?
- I actually don't know Colin but
she's very persuasive, your Nana, and frightening.
- Can I go on my break now? - Why are you asking me?
- You're management now, aren't you?
- Yeah I am, and no, no!
You get back to work now young man, no break for you.
Don't eyeball me.
Come on, come on, there you go.
Alright, go on.
Kiss him!
- I really don't want to. - It's an order, kiss him!
(chuckling)
- Ned, I'm gonna need 40 quid out your till.
Ah, 50, I'm gonna have to take 50!
- Here's your beer sir.
- I demanded this five minutes ago Neville.
Go and kiss the massive baker again.
Neville!
- Colin I don't like working on the tills.
- Do you wanna work in here instead?
- We work here.
- Not anymore!
- Scab!
- Ah, watch your language missy.
I'm the boss now, I can have you on a disciplinary.
- Yeah, you gonna tell me off then boss man?
- Yeah I am, cause if you step out of line one more time
I'm gonna come down on you like a tonne of bricks.
- That's a shame cause I've been chewing gum at my till.
Isn't that against the rules?
- Yes it is.
You're a naughty girl Lisa, I'll have to discipline you.
My office, now!
- Oh, ahoy Captain Gavin.
- Hello. Have you seen Colin anywhere?
- No, sorry Captain Gavin.
- [Loud Speaker] This is a customer service announcement
from Rose, did anyone see last night's episode of Emmadale?
If so, could they please come and tell me what happened.
- Glamour God!
- To the lady in the very short skirt, yes you,
please cover up a bit more.
Nobody's gonna buy the cow if they're getting the milk for free.
- Rose, the tanoy is for store business only.
- Well, look at her.
I could practically see her bread box.
- Rose, what on earth are you doing here anyway?
Where's Linda and Sue?
- Colin told me I'd be better off here
rather than on those silly tills, so here I am.
It's exciting, isn't it?
- No, and frankly I don't know what on earth
Colin was thinking.
- He's thinking like a manager.
- I think its about time perhaps Colin and I had a word.
Stay here for now but no more tanoy.
- Did anyone see Emmadale?
- Is somebody clapping?
Holy moon!
- Gavin, Gavin, Gavin, look, sorry, I wasn't expecting you.
- Yeah, soz Gavin.
- Does this mean I'm not gonna be deputy manager anymore/
- Yes it absolutely does Colin.
What was I thinking?
- My Nan is not gonna be happy about this.
- Yes I think I'm gonna have a little word with your Nan
and let her know who's boss.
- Fair enough, but Gavin, you go easy on her.
Or else Ill have to smack you. (laughing)
- Cause she's my Nan!
You want your tie back? - Absolutely not, burn it.
- How you doing?
- Bored. How's your, you know?
- Me nads?
Killing, she really belted them.
Problem is, I cannot see if there's any bruising or not.
You wouldn't have a look for me, would you?
- NO, no!
- Fair enough.
It doesn't help being on me feet all day long.
- I know. I bet you wish you had a wheelchair as well.
- You dunno how lucky you are sitting down all day.
- No, some of us have all the luck.
- Yeah!
- Then Jessica and James have a blazing out.
- NO, did they? Then what happened?
- Well...
- Rose, a word.
- In a minute Gavin. Emmadale.
- My office, now!
- Does it smell of drains in here?
- Now Rose what happened out there was complete...
- But Gavin...
- No you listen!
- I didn't say listen.
- Didn't you, I thought you did. I'm sorry.
Where was I?
Now look here Rose, I am the manager of this supermarket,
you work for me.
- I know that Gavin.
- I cannot have members of my staff going behind my back
and undermining me.
Now if you cannot play by the rules
then I'm gonna have to let you go.
Now do we understand each other?
I'm sorry, I cannot hear you.
- I said...
(crying)
- I'm just a useless, silly, old woman.
- Well, there's no need to cry.
We all make mistakes.
- You were quite right, fire me.
- No its alright Rose,
I shouldn't have gone off all cockeyed.
This temper of mine!
- I'm sorry I was so rude to you.
- Maybe I've been a bit of an ogre as well.
What say you, tomorrow we start again?
- Really?
- With you on the tills, a clean slate.
- Oh that sounds very acceptable, thank you very much Gavin.
- Isn't that better?
- Don't be so disgusting you sex beast!
- What?
- By the way, I'm gonna be two hours late tomorrow,
I'm going to an auction.
(bell ringing)
- What's up?
- I just wanted to know what we do about returns?
- We usually sort them, why, what you got?
- My breath, you took it away and I want it back.
- Oh, God!
- Most definitely a cold sore.
Any idea how you got it?
- I did kiss big Jack from the bakery a few times.
- Neville that's a nasty looking cold sore, isn't it?
Right, Brian, Margaret, how have you been getting along?
- Like a house!
- Wonderful. Well I'm glad that you enjoyed your time here.
Now Brian, I've thought about what you said
and I have decided that maybe, perhaps,
a permanent assistant won't be such a bad idea.
This is Greg.
- Alright?
- Greg, well, he's young but is he hungry?
- Are you hungry Greg?
- A bit.
- Well lets see what you've got. Someone comes up to you
complaining of headaches and dizziness,
what do you do?
- Ask them if they've been on any medication,
could be a side effect. - What if they've not?
- Then it's probably an ear infection, nothing too serious.
- Good.
- Then again, could be viral.
Migraine, low blood sugar, stress.
- Of course.
- Labyrinthitis.
- Isn't he great?
Greg here is a medical student, he's gonna be a doctor.
Who knows, he may even be able to teach you a thing or two.
- I want Margaret.
- You what?
- She's perfect, and anyway I've trained her up now.
- What about Greg?
- He's wet behind the ears. Gavin look at him, I wouldn't trust him
with my lunch let alone my life.
No, Margaret's the woman for the job.
- Well, as long as that's alright with you Margaret.
- Nurse Margaret.
- Fine!
Come on Greg, I'll get you on tins.
- Does that mean I can put my name on the sign?
- Go on then!
- [Gavin] Get that sign down!
- Get your ladder.
- Linda, call me.
- Come on Gavin, you're supposed to be
giving me a lift home.
(trendy music)
- Blue hair, that doesn't sound healthy at all.
- They're so funny!
(laughing)
(till slip processing and jingle music)