- Don't forget the Valco tick.
- Everyone always gets it wrong, it's definitely that way.
- Tick.
- And I'm not doing that tick thing, either.
- Am I getting paid for this?
(whimsical laughing) - Serves your right.
- [All] Valco, serves you right.
(cheerful music)
- Morning, ladies.
Cannot stop and chat, I'm running late.
Overslept. Gah!
- What are you on about, Neville? - No, no, no, my lips are sealed.
A gentleman never tells.
Don't try and twist my arm.
Alright, yes, there was a lady involved,
but I'm saying no more.
What are you two like, eh?
- Neville got some action, then? - Was it you?
- No way, shut up, will ya?
- Ah, Daniel, I remember my first day in management.
I was so nervous that I hadn't even realised
I'd got my socks on the wrong feet.
All day.
- Right, well, I've been working with Valco since I was 16,
so the management bit is new,
but the rest is really, really, really familiar.
- Well, you'll find it's to be
a straight sailing ship here, Daniel.
I'm no maverick, despite appearances.
I like things done by the book.
- Understood.
- And the only advice I will give you is something that,
well, now I better get that. That's head office.
- Oh, sure, wait outside.
- Oh, no, no, no, no, no, we've got no secrets here.
You're my deputy.
(phone ringing)
Hello, Gavin Strong's Office, Gavin is speaking.
Here?
Today?
Get out.
Just get out.
Shut the door.
- Who are you?
- I'm Gavin's-- - You're not Gavin.
- Anything I could help you with, Rose?
- I just served a smelly man.
A smelly, smelly man.
It can't happen again, so from now on,
I'm not serving anyone I don't like the look of.
- I'm not sure it's okay to do that.
- Well, I'm not sure it's okay to be waltzing
around pretending to be Gavin,
but that's the way things are.
- Change of plan, I'm afraid, Daniel.
I'm gonna have to let you introduce yourself.
- Is everything okay?
- We just got a new till girl arriving any minute,
just an ordinary run-of-the-mill till girl.
It's nothing at all to be worried about.
- I hope you don't mind, Brian,
but I need to leave a bit early tonight if that's alright.
- Of course it is.
You're going somewhere nice?
- A doctor's appointment.
- Absolutely not.
- Pardon?
- I can't allow you to waste your time like that.
Just come to me.
(laughter)
- Oh well, if it's no bother.
- I was born with the power to diagnose.
I say power, because it is.
- Hey, do it on Ian.
- Ah, that's easy.
Heavy gaze on the left side, the freckled cheek,
the hairy hand, sluggish liver.
- Rubbish.
- Let's just wait for the postmortem, shall we?
- Alright then, go on. Use your powers on me.
- Brilliant.
Unless it's to do with your lady parts, I don't do lady parts.
- Yes it is.
I've got a buzzy hip.
- Margaret, you're not supposed to tell me.
I was gonna say that.
- I've had it for a week or so.
But then we've got bad hips in my family, the lots of us.
I think it must be hereditary.
- Which side?
- My mother's.
- Yes.
- There's my cauliflower.
I got you some lunch. - Oh, jeez, Mom.
(Rose laughing)
- Well, if I can't make sure you're getting
a decent meal at home,
at least I can feed you up at work.
- Excuse me, but we eat perfectly well at home, thanks.
I cooked him chicken and mushroom last night.
- Pot noodle?
- Might of been.
- I made you some sticky toffee pudding too.
Only one spoon for a reason.
- Rose, can you get back on your till please?
- Of course I can, young man.
Ability isn't in question.
I just might not feel inclined to.
- Please?
- Now you're getting it.
Clever, aren't you?
- What are you looking at?
Don't eyeball me, Lis.
- [Daniel] Hey guys, sorry to interrupt. - She is out of order.
- What for, for making me pudding?
- I just wanted to say - What, and I don't?
Is that what you're saying? - I'm the new deputy manager here, Daniel.
- Alright.
But, can I ask you a question?
- Yeah, please do.
- If your girlfriend was being attacked by a vicious cow, right?
- You weren't attacked and she's not vicious.
- I'm sure she isn't.
- Whose side are you on?
- No one's.
- Whoa, so you're saying my nan is a vicious cow?
- No, no, no, no, I--
- You don't even know her.
You should learn to mind your own business, mate.
- Yeah, you're lucky I don't give you a slap right now, man.
It'd be like, pop!
- Don't let it get to you, babe.
It's not worth it, whoever he is.
- Yeah, you're right.
And you're sexy as hell.
(passionate kissing)
(car approaching)
- You weren't followed, were you?
- I don't think so, no.
(mischievous chuckling) - I'm only messing with you, Gavin.
I'm only messing with you.
Brandon O'Conner.
Pleased to meet you. - Oh, I know exactly who you are, sir.
And it's a real honour to welcome you to our,
or should I say, your store.
- Listen.
'Bout the delivery.
Do you want to meet her?
- Absolutely.
The privilege is all mine.
(both colliding)
(trunk opening)
(mischievous laughing)
- I'm only messing with you, Gavin.
I'm only messing with you.
You don't honestly think I'd let my only daughter
travel in the boot of me car, do ya?
Do ya?
She's in here.
- Hi!
- Hello, and welcome to Valco Warrington.
- Oh, hello.
Nice to meet you.
I'm Charlie.
Muah, muah, muah.
- Hello, I'm Daniel.
I'm the new deputy manager here,
and I'm very much looking forward
to working with you and the rest of the team.
- Hello, Daniel.
I am Susan.
I am a customer services coordinator.
And this is my trusty assistant, Meg.
- Enchanted to make your acquaintance, Daniel.
- You're taking the mick, right? (both laughing)
- We're just havin' a laugh.
- The handshake was a bit much, yeah?
- A bit, more high fives 'round here than handshakes.
Oh, nice little waistcoat, love.
- Oh, thanks.
Anyway, I just wanted you to know I'm here if you need anything.
- Anything?
- Yeah, anything at all.
- Even if it's something we might want that we haven't had in like three months?
(Sue snickering)
- Now, all I want you to do is show her the ropes from the ground up.
But don't tell anyone that she is my daughter,
whatever you do.
She's had more money than sense thrown at her, that girl.
She needs to learn the value of a hard day's graft.
Isn't that right, darling? - Yeah.
(horn beeping) (obnoxious laughter)
- Because if she screws this up, she's dead to me.
Do you follow?
- You're messing with me, aren't you?
Yes, I got it.
- I've never been more serious, Gavin.
(engine starting) (obnoxious laughter)
- Ah, I don't understand this.
- How could someone have no reflexes at all?
- Well, maybe you need a bigger spoon,
or maybe I need a smaller knee.
- Stand up for me.
- Ooh!
Oh, there it goes again, buzzing away.
Oh, my Alan thinks I'm makin' it up.
He thinks I'm jealous of his impetigo.
Ooh, do I mean impetigo?
What do I mean?
- I have no idea.
Sit down again, let's do this one more time.
- Impotence.
Do I mean impotence?
- Oh, I hope not.
(knife sharpening) (cheerful humming)
- Neville. (cheerful humming)
Neville, Neville? (cheerful humming)
Neville, Neville.
Stop dancing, Neville? (cheerful humming)
Neville, Neville? (cheerful humming)
Neville!
You had sex?
- Oh, that would be telling.
Yes, yes I have with a lady.
- Do you know what this means?
You now add more than one woman in the whole of your life.
Lend me some skin, man. - Well, no, no.
Actually still just the one.
(sharp exhaling)
- I don't follow.
- It was with my ex wife.
- No!
You had your ex.
That is messed up, man.
- I know, I know.
But dammit, Colin, it was worth it.
It felt just like the old days,
without the insults and the bitterness. (Colin laughing)
- So obviously like, she don't with your best mate anymore.
- No, she's still very much with, Mike!
- I was wonderin' if we may have a quick chat.
- Oh.
- You at the back, are those pyjama bottoms?
Go home and put something else on, please.
- Rose!
No, please don't.
Rose, Rose, Rose.
We can't do this.
- Who are you?
- I'm Daniel, we just met.
- I know that, I'm not senile.
(Rose gasping)
I bet your mom's proud of you, is she?
I bet she is.
- Yeah she is, but Rose, you have
to serve whoever comes to your till. That's how this works.
- Well, that's wrong, Daniel.
I'll carry on until I'm told to stop.
- But I just told you to stop.
(Rose laughing)
- Bless.
- Give us a look.
- Give that back, it's personal.
- What is it?
- It's a bucket list.
Brian's just told me I've got a sluggish liver.
It's got me thinking, you know, you only live once and all that.
- Redo the back patio?
Insulate the loft?
- It's gotta be done.
- Ian, that's not a bucket list.
That's a to-do list.
A bucket list is stuff like swim with dolphins,
bungee jump naked, meet Joanna Lumley.
Not just odd jobs around the house.
- There is something I've always wanted.
- Go on, you can tell me.
- I'd like to wear a massive nappy.
- In retrospect, I was more comfortable with the DIY stuff.
- Well, this is the stock,
(Charlie sneezing) bless you.
This is the stock room, (Charlie sneezing)
bless you.
This is the stock room, where, (sneeze)
bless you.
This is where we keep all the stock! - Sorry, I'm allergic to everything.
- Well, let's hope it's not Valco. (loudly laughing)
- Or you.
Imagine if I was allergic to you.
How weird would that be?
- Quite weird.
I think we should start you on the tills this morning.
Obviously, we'll give you some training and everything.
- Gavin, seriously.
My dad owns the company.
I think I can manage a few tills.
- Ah, yes.
About that.
Just before we go out there,
your father thinks that it might be best
if we didn't tell people who you are just yet.
- Thank God for that.
You have no idea how difficult it is for me living in that man's shadows.
- Oh, I'm sure.
- I mean, people are always like,
Oh, you only won the Pony Club trials because of your dad.
And I mean, yes, he owns a horse
on the field and the company that sponsored the event,
but Misty actually jumped really well on her own that day, Gavin.
- Yes, that must be very tough for you.
- So yeah, the last thing I want everybody to know
is that my dad owns Valco.
(Charlie sneezing)
- Bless you.
- Hi, I'm Charlie.
My dad owns Valco. (Gavin grunting)
- Your dad owns Valco?
For real?
- I'm sorry, Gavin. Rumbled.
Yeah, you're good, she should work for a MI5 or somethin'.
- It's what, come on?
Is this like Secret Millionaire or somethin'?
- Yeah, if we're like, dead nice to ya
and prove our life's a bit whack, will you write us a check?
- Oh, I totally would, but I don't have my chequebook on me.
It was confiscated.
- I'm happy with cash.
- Are you servin' me, or you just havin' a chat?
- Oh, we're just havin' a chat. (both laughing)
(mock laughing)
What?
Okay, madame.
That will be 110 pounds and 52 pence.
Is that right?
That seems very reasonable for all of that.
- It's about what I normally spend a week.
- Bargain. How much is milk?
One pound?
For all that?
That's like a whole udder's full.
Oh, you're payin' by card?
You don't have any cash on you, do you?
- No.
- Bummer.
- [Daniel] Everything alright? - Oh yes, just fine.
Hello, bonjour, sir.
I'm Charlie, by the way. Muah, muah, muah.
(nervous stuttering)
- You have a customer.
- Oh I know, it's all the same.
So, the thing is, I don't really know how
to use a card machine.
So how 'bout this time, we just leave it.
- But I haven't even paid. (Charlie shushing)
Oh, and thank you for shopping at Valco, madame.
Have a lovely day.
(mock chuckling)
- I don't know what's wrong with her, Neville.
She just turns to cold towards me.
Emotionally, physically, even literally.
I mean, she is actually very cold to the touch.
- Yes she is.
Yeah, extraordinary.
- Tell me I'm crazy Nev, but I think
she might be havin' an affair.
- No!
No, no, no, no, no.
No.
- And we'll just.
(plastic tapping)
Thank you for shopping at Valco, sir. Goodbye!
- No, I'm not sure that went through. - Yes, yes it did.
Yes it definitely did, yep. Go.
- How big's your house, then?
- Which one?
- How many have you got? - In this country, or just in general?
- How many countries are we talkin'?
- In the world?
I don't know, I'm not very good at geography.
I wasn't very good at many things at school though, to be honest.
- Well hello again, madame.
My, what a lot of vodka and cheese you're buying.
- Charlie, are you lettin' 'em go without paying?
- I think I might be.
That's really bad, isn't it?
- Yeah.
(enthused laughing)
But then, it is your shop, so I guess
you can do what you like.
- Yeah, yeah. I suppose so.
Yeah. Moo!
(enthused laughing)
- It's at times like these a man needs his best friends.
Maybe I should of let you keep her in the first place.
- Well, you know, the thought has crossed my mind in the past.
- Don't get up Gavin, this won't take long.
I just wanted to say I think you should keep Daniel on.
- Well, that was the plan.
- I know he's young and inexperienced,
and at times he does make some really gauche mistakes.
But, I like him.
- Good.
- So Daniel stays.
- Well, yes he does.
- I knew you'd listen to sense.
Well done, you.
Don't get up, I'll show myself out.
(door squeaking)
- No, no I won't let her make an idiot out
of me like we did with you.
I'm gonna find out who it is,
and when I do, I'm gonna kill him.
- Oh, are you really?
- I'm gonna gut the rogue right in front of her.
I'm gonna pull him apart, limb from limb.
- I'm not sure you should be touching the produce, really.
- I'm gonna make him wish he'd never set eyes on her.
- He probably wishes that already.
- Oh, Neville.
It's good to have you back.
My true, most loyal friend.
I've missed you.
(gentle smooching)
(gentle patting)
(register beeping) (crowd murmuring)
- Rose.
Rose, I told you, you will serve
whoever comes to your till, do I make myself clear?
- It's nothing to do with me, ask them.
- [Daniel] What on earth is going on?
- Here's the thing, I think I might
have accidentally let a few people
go through without paying.
- How many people?
- All of the people.
See, I got confused, and I didn't wanna cause a fuss.
- So you let them steal their shopping?
- It's not that bad, is it?
- It's theft!
Shut your till down, get your things. - Calm down.
She made a mistake, that's all.
- Listen, take note.
This is what happens to staff who flat the rules here.
I'm not gonna stand for it, do I make myself clear?
- Are you sackin' her?
Seriously?
- Yeah I am, actually, how 'bout that?
- What?
- Get your things, report to Gavin's office.
- But I just--
- Now!
(bones cracking) - Ooh!
- Unless you've broken your spine,
or you got two spines and they're vibrating together.
- [Margaret] You want me to take off me trousers?
- Absolutely not.
- I took your advice, Gavin. I showed them who's boss.
Well, it's deputy boss.
- Good for you.
- That new girl, though, we're gonna have to let her go.
- [Gavin] Who's that?
- Charlie.
- Okay, no need to panic, would you mind
running me through exactly what you've done,
what you've said, and why in the name of Hebden Bridge you've done it?
- I took your advice, I held my ground.
- Where is she now?
- I followed standard Valco company procedure.
She's emptying her locker, she's reporting to your office.
- Hey!
You big handsome banana, how are ya?
(nervous laughing) - Mr. O'Connor, back so soon!
Daniel, you know Mr. O'Connor, of course.
- Awesome, pleasure to meet you sir.
I've been workin' at Valco since I was 16.
- Ah, good man.
A whole year and half then. (loudly laughing)
- I'm 26.
- I know that ya fruit basket.
Yeah, I'm only messin 'with ya.
I came to collect Charlie.
End of her first day and all that, you know.
I didn't see her out on the shop floor, where is she?
- Yes, Charlie.
Might I be allowed to let Daniel in on that?
- I told ya I'd break your legs
if you told anyone else, Gavin!
- Yes you did, sorry.
- But I don't mind ya tellin' this fellow. (babyish vocalising)
- Right good, so, what you don't know, Daniel,
is that Charlotte, our newest recruit, is in fact Mr. O'Connor's daughter.
- Is she?
- Yeah so, perhaps you'd like to go and find her quite quickly
and let her know the situation.
That's presuming you now understand the situation.
- Yes, I do, I will do it.
There she is!
- There's my little worker bee, huh?
(Daniel straining uncomfortably) What's the matter with you, pumpkin?
Gavin, what the hell is goin' on here?
- She's been marvellous, hasn't she Daniel?
- Absolutely marvellous. She's made quite an impact already.
- Well Daniel told me to report to Gavin's office.
- Yes he did, because I wanted you
to know I am promoting you.
- What?
Oh my god, I thought you were gonna sack me,
because Daniel said that you-- (loud vocalising)
- No, no, no, no, no, no.
We can't have your talents wasted on the tills.
- But I had to clear out my locker and Daniel was really angry.
- Yeah, well, that's just.
Well, we were just messin' with ya!
Just our little joke.
- I love this little fruit basket!
(all laughing)
Come on, we go and celebrate.
Is she finished her shift? - Not exactly, but you go on right ahead.
(laughing and sobbing)
- Thanks Gavin, thanks Daniel.
Oh, messin'.
- Call the surgery, tell 'em you can't make it.
- [Margaret] Oh, I don't know.
- Well then give the phone to me, I'll call them.
(phone buzzing)
Margaret, is this similar to the buzzin'?
- [Margaret] Oh yeah, it's just like that.
- Yeah, see it's not your hip, it's your phone.
You've got it switched to vibrate.
- [Margaret] Oh, and I've been so worried.
Oh, aren't you a clever clogs?
- Pharmacy wins again.
Never been to a GP in my life, never will.
- [Margaret] Well I suppose you don't need to, dear.
Could always ask your wife, or your brother,
or your other brother, or your--
- Yes, alright Margaret.
Thank you.
- Sorry about today, Gavin.
I really messed things up, didn't I? Just, wasn't myself.
- Oh, don't be daft.
We all make mistakes.
Anita Lamb from the Wiggin Branch,
she shot a man with an automatic stapler on her first day.
- Well maybe I had my socks on the wrong feet.
- Well I think you would have known about that by now.
God, it's so unbearable.
Tomorrow is another day, Daniel.
- Yeah, hope so.
Anyway, goodnight.
- Goodnight.
- You see, I told you he was worth keeping.
- Really Rose, I was-- - There's no need to thank me.
- Wasn't going to.
(phone buzzing) (bright music)
- [Brian] Come on.
(phone buzzing) (bright music)
(Margaret chuckling)
(cheerful music)
(axe thumping)
(pained grunting)
(percussive music)