- Can she just stop that now?
- Aww, he keeps on moving it.
- From booze to biscuits!
- Red-hot deals?
- Loads of two-for-ones.
- Don't forget the Valco tick.
- Everyone always gets it wrong 'cause it's definitely that way.
- Tick.
- And I'm not doing that tick thing either!
- Am I getting paid for this?
(laughs)
- Serves you right!
- [All] Valco, serves you right!
- Thanks for letting me use your computer, Gavin.
Can't find mine anywhere. - Oh, that's the problem with the laptops,
they're easily left behind.
- Oh, no, it's not a laptop, it's a big one like this.
- Oh, right.
(knocking on door)
- Morning, Gavin.
Ah, hi Charlie.
- Bonjour!
Dan the man!
What's going on?
- Oh, you know, chillin'.
Are you sure she's all right there? - No, probably not, no, but.
- Right, all done.
Oh, Gavin, I accidentally deleted something
but I'm sure you'll get it back, sorry.
It was called Gavin's documents.
- What?
- Oh, I've no idea how I did it.
Sorry!
- Oh well, nevermind.
- Later, potaters!
- Green tomaters.
God, what an odd girl.
- Yeah, she accidentally cut my tie in half yesterday.
- Listen, thank you for putting up with her.
It really is much appreciated.
- It's okay, as long as we keep her far, far away
from the first-aid training today. Please, Gavin, that's all I ask.
- Oh, you have my word, Daniel.
She will not come within sneezing distance of it.
- Sorry, forgot my shoes!
What are you two pests up to?
You look all secret-y.
- Just discussing the day.
- The days.
- Don't make me tickle it out of you!
- No, not again!
Stop!
(laughing)
Please!
- You can't keep secrets from ol' Charlie!
- First-aid training!
Daniel's running it!
It's today!
Please stop!
- Oh, my god.
Oh, my god, oh, my god!
Count me in, Daniel.
This is the best day ever, starting now!
(laughing)
(sighs)
- Morning.
Oh, don't get me started, Brian.
- I didn't.
- Me and Alan couldn't agree on what to have for breakfast.
We got in a right tizz.
Alan wanted a boiled egg.
I says "You can't have that for breakfast!
"We're not on holiday!"
- Good morning, Pharmacy.
Care to join myself and Charlie for a spot of first-aid training?
- First aid?
What is this, the Stone Ages?
Last aid, more like.
Anyway, we have medicine now.
- Yeah, we do, but basic first aid is a proven life saver.
- Well, that's where you're wrong
because recent statistics have shown
that first aid kills more people than it saves.
- No, that's not a statistic.
That's made up.
- Agree to disagree.
- Oh, come on, you pair.
- Oh, come on, Brian.
I need something to get me out of me grumble.
It'll be fun.
- I could really use a hand teaching them.
I bet they'd listen to an old medical pro like yourself.
- All right, all right.
You had me at I desperately need your help, Brian.
- How many times have I asked you to fix that bathroom cabinet?
- Yeah, I was wondering whether you'd ask Mike to do it?
I mean, he does live with you.
And he's got all of my tools.
- Oh, get over yourself, Nev.
You're always whining on aren't you?
Me, me, me.
- But I can't very well sneak into the house
and do DIY while he's out.
- You don't mind sneaking in
and doing naughty things when he's out, do ya?
Just get it fixed, Neville.
- Neville.
That's your ex-wife, innit?
What the--
- What?
No, yes, no!
It's very complicated.
Yes, I've got to dash.
(call bell ringing)
- What is it now?
- Good morning.
I want to say Doris?
Marjorie?
- It's Sue, what do you want?
- It's chilly.
What can you do about it?
- Are you being serious? You got me over here 'cause you're cold?
- Women our age feel it that bit more, don't we?
- Our age?
Our age?
- I know you've got a few years on me,
but we're the same generation, no?
- I'm 46, you cheeky sod.
And listen, I'm sick of this.
I'm customer service, not Rose service.
If my light goes off again, I'll.
- Good morning!
- When did you find this?
- Just now.
- It's a store fox.
Bloody heck, he's got some balls,
coming onto the actual shop floor. - Shall we call pest control?
- Are you mad?
And let Gavin know he's got a fox in his Valco?
No.
You and me have got a major investigation on our hands.
Think you're up for it?
- I reckon but what's the plan?
- This is not my first store fox, sonny.
See that scar?
- No.
- Last shop I worked.
- So we've got to catch the fox before Gavin realises
you've screwed up.
- Yes!
But I'm not gonna lose my badge over this!
I'm gonna take him down.
- Well, to catch a fox, you must first think like a fox.
Can you do that, Ian?
Are you in the fox's head?
Maybe get on all fours.
- I can't with my knees.
- What's it thinking?
- Cold meats!
- Listen, there's no barcode on these tongs.
Are they still on offer?
- I'll have a look.
You having a barbecue? I love a barbecue, me.
- Well, you'd certainly love mine.
I mean I don't wanna blow my own trombone but I tell you,
I do grill a mean Cumberland.
- Amazing, cheers!
I'd love to come.
- What?
Oh no, no.
I don't want, no.
It's more for family and friends.
- I've not been to a barbecue in ages.
I'll bring my Darren and the kids.
- Well, it's actually more for.
Sure, yes, why not?
The more the merrier. I'll give you my address.
- I've already got it.
- So, you're walking through Valco
and you find a customer unconscious in the frozen aisle.
What do you do?
- Oh, oh, wait!
I know this one!
Were they murdered?
Because I know you definitely have to call the police
if they were murdered.
- They've not been murdered, they're just lying on the floor.
- Murdered?
Well, you'd call that nice Inspector Midsomer.
- I repeat, not a murder.
- Hang on a minute, Daniel. How do we know at it wasn't a murder?
It's not a bad question, mate.
- No, no, no.
It is a bad question.
- What if you were the murderer?
You should try and escape. - Escape?
Doubtful.
90% of murderers stick around at the scene of the crime.
Fact.
- Can we just focus, please?
Thank you.
Right.
Does anybody know what the first response to an injured,
not murdered, shopper is?
- First thing that we do is administer an adrenaline shot
straight through the chest, get the heart started.
- Hey, hang on a minute.
We don't know the heart has stopped.
That could be the worst thing to do.
- I think you'll find that if they've been murdered,
their heart would definitely have stopped otherwise it isn't a murder, is it?
(employees applauding)
- Oh, hi Gavin.
- Hi, Harry.
- I hear you're having a barbecue, can't wait.
- Well, how did you know?
It's really just a private party.
- I know Sue's going though, isn't she?
Or is she better than me?
- Oh no, it's just that.
Okay, you're invited too.
- Wait a second.
You're inviting me, a minor, to a barbecue at your house?
Pretty creepy, Gavin.
- You just asked me to!
(Ian groans in pain) Sticks and stones!
What the heck's going on?
- Hello, Gavin.
Sorry, I dropped my watch earlier
and I was getting Harry here to help me look for it.
- You're wearing your watch.
- So I am.
Oh, thanks, Gavin, mystery solved.
Hey, do you want me to bring any chicken for the barbecue?
- Oh, not you as well?
- I love chicken.
Yeah, I'll bring the chicken.
Don't worry, I know your address.
Come on, you.
- Why does everyone know where I live?
- So, the recovery position.
If one person per team wouldn't mind lying on the floor.
- Do you want to practise with me or you
just gonna go and steal someone else's partner, Nev?
- Linda, please.
Vanessa was my partner first and Mike stole her from me.
- Ha, just like lying on the floor!
- Does anybody know how to get a person
into the recovery position?
- Thump them in the back?
- Correct.
- Incorrect.
- It's a known fact that a hard thump
will solve a medical emergency in six out of 10 cases.
- It absolutely 100% isn't.
- Is.
- You tilt their head back and check for breathing.
- You breathing, Margaret?
- Yep.
- She's breathing, check.
- Charlie, do you think you could check if I'm breathing?
- Yep, I've got this one.
- Oh!
What did you do that for?
- Short sharp shock.
Daddy says that's what all gets the baby ponies breathing.
- Do I look like a baby pony?
- No, but you most certainly are alive.
- Oh, now, I'm sorry, Rose but if you're too cold
then you have to wear your Valco fleece.
Not a personal coat.
- I'm not sure you get to make the rules, you cheeky sod.
Anyway, we have more pressing matters to discuss.
- We have?
- I know all about the barbecue this weekend
and I wanna tell you right now, I am available,
but this is in no way a date.
At the first sign of any hanky-panky,
I'll bloody your nose, got it?
- What?
- Now, off you pop, sweetie-pie.
- Take that clothes off.
- Ooh.
Hello, Harry.
Planning on doing any work today?
- Can't, Rose.
I've got to help Ian find the store fox.
You haven't seen it, have you?
- Only fox round here is me.
(growls jokingly)
- It's like herding cats.
Not even normal cats like really easily distracted cats.
- Now, come on, Daniel, you can do it.
- Hey, they only need to listen and show minor comprehension to pass.
- I think even that might be beyond the Valco princess.
She is impossible.
I think she might be the only person to ever fail first aid.
- Now Charlotte, I'm afraid I can't let you back
on my computer right now.
- Oh, nope, nope, nope.
I'm just here to have my lunch.
Hey, Gavvy, you never told us that you're having a barbecue on Saturday.
Don't worry, it's totally in my diary now.
- That's great news.
Now, why are you having lunch here?
- I went to a barbecue at Richard Branson's house
and Adele was there, singing.
Gavin, you should totally have Adele sing at your barbecue.
- Not sure that Adele would really fancy coming.
What on earth is your lunch?
- Crisps and fish pate, duh.
Oh, my god, Daniel, have you told Gavin how much fun first aid is?
- Kind of, yeah.
- I love it.
It's so exciting. And I've never passed anything before.
Daddy's gonna be so proud.
Oh.
Oh, that is disgusting, oh.
Gavin?
Can I have your jacket potato?
- Again?
- Yeah.
- Fine.
All yours.
- So if you're being attacked by a dog,
make eye contact, bark twice.
- [Group] Woof, woof!
- And it'll back down. Works everytime.
- Good to know.
My neighbor's dog has taken quite the dislike to me.
- Ah, here comes my deputy teacher.
So Daniel, fancy taking over for a bit?
- Yes, thank you, Brian.
Right, what do you guys know about resuscitation?
- They put Jesus in a cave and he climbed out.
- Resuscitation.
Mouth-to-mouth.
- Do you want a go at mouth-to-mouth?
Oh yeah, getting for that in a minute.
- I would rather not discuss my private affa--
My private business.
- See, I thought you was better than this, Nev.
I'm mean sure, you're a bit of a wuss but--
- A bit rude.
- You're a decent bloke,
you shouldn't be seeing someone else's woman,
a woman who clearly hates ya.
- I've always had a soft spot for Vanessa.
She's the only woman who's ever liked me.
- Oh, Nev, loads of women like you.
Even I snogged you once.
- Yes, you did, didn't you?
- I was hammered.
Never gonna happen again. - Right.
- I remember my first kiss.
It was with Shaun, our stable boy.
And Daddy got so mad, he had him fired.
- It sounds like Shaun got off very lightly.
- Oh no, actually, I broke his nose.
- No!
Can we please just concentrate, for a minute?
Thank you!
Right, back to the dummy.
Neville?
Can you get its heart started, please? CPR starts with compression to the chest
and breath to the mouth.
- Oh, this reminds me of the last time I saw dad.
- Oh, don't worry, Neville.
I'll bring this zombie back to life.
(Charlie gasps)
(laughing)
- Oh, fantastic, good work, Charlie!
You've just decapitated a member of the public.
What do you say to the person whose head you just pulled off?
- I'm sorry I pulled off your head.
It won't happen again.
- You are beyond hopeless.
- I didn't mean to.
It was an accident.
- Enough!
I hereby declare today's training over.
Brian, Margaret, Neville, Linda, congratulations.
You've all passed first-aid training.
Well done.
- What about me, Daniel?
'Cause it'd be good to know so I could tell Daddy--
- No, Charlie, no!
You haven't passed. You have failed, miserably!
- He's defeated me, Harry.
- Ah, come on, mate.
You can't give up like that.
- Give up?
I'm doing more than giving up.
I'm handing in my notice.
- You can't do that!
Don't be daft.
- I'll just tell Gavin straight.
God, I hope he still lets me come to the barbecue.
Apparently Adele's gonna be there.
- Sue, I need your help, it's Ian.
I've been winding him up about all day
about a made-up fox and now he's gone mental.
He's gonna quit!
- Well, how'd you expect me to help?
- You're the smartest one here. You'll think of something.
- Go and get a bin bag from houseware.
- Listen, Charlie, I'm sorry I failed you at first aid
but there was a good reason.
You were terrible.
- I've let you down.
I just really wanted to be good at something
and I really thought that being a nurse would be it.
- You don't get to be a nurse.
But I am gonna give you another try.
- What, really?
You mean it?
- Yep, I'm not gonna give up on you
even if I have to try and try and try and try and try again.
- I promise I won't let you down.
I'll be the best nurse you ever trained.
- Uhm, yeah.
Again, not a nurse.
- Alright, just pretend it's Vanessa.
How you gonna break up with her? - Oh, you're looking fantastic.
- You don't compliment! You're supposed to lay down the law!
- Vanessa, here's the thing.
Maybe it's not working out.
- Shut up, Neville, you worm!
- No.
No, I don't think what we're doing is fair on Mike or me
and I'm not standing for it.
- Yes, come on, Nev, come on.
- You have treated me like dirt my entire adult life
and I am not dirt.
I am Neville, I am a good man and you are dumped, Vanessa.
- [Vanessa] Oh, I am, am I?
- Vanessa!
Ooh, what a lovely surprise.
Just messing about with a dummy.
- Yes, I can see that.
Didn't sound like messing about.
- Just harmless fun.
- Oh, for god's sake, Nev, tell her!
- Do you wanna stay out of it, love?
- Why don't you leave Neville alone? - Neville, tell this blonde bimbo
that the grown-ups are talking.
- Now, hang on.
Linda here is not a bimbo.
She is a very lovely woman.
A woman who I actually once kissed.
- Ah, she gets the point, Nev.
- I don't want to see you anymore, Vanessa.
- Fine.
In fact, I was coming in to end it anyway.
Neville, you are the most pathetic man I've--
- Shut up.
You shut up and get out!
And stay out!
You!
You're horrible!
- Yes, Nev!
- I'm hyperventilating.
Has she gone?
- Yes!
- Yes.
- Now, it was only intended as a private barbecue.
Now.
Now, there's been a lot of crossed wires
so, unfortunately, the barbecue is off.
- What?
- Bloody heck, Gav, I've already bought 68 burgers!
- Well, I'm sorry, but it was only supposed
to be for family and friends.
- I thought we were your friends.
- Yeah, what happened to the Valco family?
I thought we had a date.
- A what?
No, look.
I'm sorry, there's a difference between home life and work life.
That's just the way it is.
- [Linda] What's going on? - Barbecue's off.
So you wanna buy some cheap burgers?
- Great, I really wanted to see Adele.
- [All] Yeah.
- Oh, what am I thinking?
Of course you're my family!
Will you all do me the honour
of joining me for a barbecue this weekend?
- [All] Yeah!
- Result! - That's great news, Gav.
Hope you go to big garden. I'll be bringing my four Labradors along.
They need a lot of space to run wild.
- Gavin, I've got something to tell you.
- [Sue] Ian, Ian, Ian!
- Excuse me.
- [Harry] We got it!
- Got what?
- We saw it sniffing around the fish section.
Brained it with a four-pack of tinned tuna.
- He's gone, Ian.
He's gone.
- Oh, thank you!
Thank you so much!
I thought I'd never get him! - Well, you didn't, but--
- You thought you had me, didn't you?
- I'm sorry, but what in the name of black hell is going on?
- Nothing, Gavin.
It's just, it's been a bit of a long day.
Cheers, Gav.
See you at the barbie.
Come on!
- Come on, Charlie.
Just get this right and you've passed!
- Oh, my god, the pressure! My brain is literally exploding right now.
- You're so close.
- Okay, your heart is there.
- That's right, Charlie, you've passed!
- Oh, my god, oh my god!
Just tell me, I can't take the suspense anymore.
- I just did.
You've passed, well done!
- Oh, my god!
Oh, god, thank you!
- Oh, hello, you two.
How did it go?
- I passed!
I'm a qualified nurse.
- No, not nurse.
- Well done, you!
I knew you could do it!
Lady in red.
- I'll see you at the barbecue.
I'm going to bring my pony, William.
He loves sausages.
Oh, what a great day!
I passed, I knew it!
- She didn't pass, did she?
- No, that would be insane.
- So, if anyone chokes on a burger at the barbecue,
we're on first-aid duty, right?
- So, you fancy being my date for Gavin's barbecue?
- Not on your life. - Oh.
- Mwa!
- Oh.
- Come on, slowcoach.
- All right, all right!
(growls from a distance)
Sue, the fox!
It's here!
- Pull the other one, you lying git.
(growls)
(mellow music)
(cheerful rock music)