- Can she just stop that now? - Huah!
Ah, he keeps on moving it. Huah!
- From booze to biscuits.
- Red hot deals.
- Loads of two-for-ones.
- Don't forget the Valco tick.
- Everyone always gets it wrong. It's definitely that way.
- Tick.
- And I'm not doing that tick thing either!
- Am I getting paid for this?
- Ha ha!
- Serves you right!
- [All] Valco, serves you right!
(upbeat happy music)
- There's nothing I like more than spending good times
with family and friends.
That's why I've cooked up the Freddie
Flintoff Party Platter.
Crispy duck pancakes, succulent chicken
skewers and buttery sausage rolls.
Yum.
- Mm.
- I'm bowled over!
- And you will be too.
Freddie Flintoff's Party Platter range, exclusively at Valco.
How's that?
- Freddie Flintoff's Party Platty.
Freddie Flintoff's Patty Party.
Ooh, it's a right mouthful, isn't it?
- Right, now, ladies.
Freddie Flintoff will be here any moment. - Who?
- Freddie Flintoff.
- I've no idea who that is.
- Freddie, Freddie Flintoff.
His advert has been playing right next to you the entire morning.
- I don't watch television,
apart from Emmerdale, and he's not in that, is he?
- Course he's not.
He's a cricketer.
- That's him, is it?
Young men today.
All that tanning.
Why do you insist on all this
preening and waxing, Gavin?
- What?
Well, I don't.
- I suppose you've got a tattoo.
- No!
- A tattoo?!
Oh, Gavin!
- Where is it, then, hey?
Your tramp stamp.
Somewhere unspeakable?
- Gavin, love, you've got a nice face.
There's no need for any of that.
- That's probably why he started waxing down there,
to make way for the tattoo.
Now it's a vicious circle.
- No, look just, please,
just leave me alone.
- Any more for any more?
- I have got like the mother-in-law of all hangovers here.
- Unlikely.
97% of the time the effects of alcohol are psychosomatic.
So what did you ingest? A small sherry?
- Yeah.
Six bottles of Newkie brown ale,
vodka, lots.
Schnapps, MD 20/20,
and then this kind of, kind of a thing.
Came in a metal can, tasted like petrol.
Oh, God, it might have been petrol.
- Sounds like quite the pub crawl.
- Nah, me and Lisa just went to the pictures last night.
- Well, it's my professional
diagnosis that you have a hangover.
- Oh, genius.
- And what you need is Hangoverover.
- You what?
- My patented miracle cure that
makes your hangover over.
- So is it safe?
- "Is it safe?" he asks.
Me and big Dave McGinty used to
take it all the time at med school.
Would have been huge if Big Dave hadn't suddenly dropped
dead during the graduation ceremony.
- (laughs) Oh.
Yeah, all right, I'm in, I'm in.
Yeah.
- And this is the pitch where you and him will play cricket.
- Oh, it's just preposterous,
the things that head office think of for publicity.
How fast does he bowl anyway?
- Oh no more than 90 miles an hour, I think.
- 90 miles an hour?
Man on a wire.
- Gavin!
- Oh, yes, yes, Ian.
- [Ian] About this VIP visit.
- Mm-hm.
- My sources tell me it's uh, Freddie Flintoff.
- Glad to see you're on top of your game there, Ian.
- Got to say, we have a major
security issue on our hands.
- Listen, it's just a few local press and a meet-and-greet for Freddie.
It's all very standard.
- For you, maybe.
But I might have to take a bullet for him.
- Ian, no-one is going to
assassinate Freddie Flintoff.
- Not while I've got air in my lungs.
But I am going to need to take some extra precautions.
- Like what?
- I'll need a gun.
- No!
- A Taser.
- Oh, for goodness' sake! - Fine, have it your way, but I insist
on a stick with a nail through it.
A big net.
- Oh, yes.
- Here it is.
My secret miracle hangover cure, Hangoverover.
- Wow.
- Wait wait wait, it's very important that you line your stomach first.
- With what?
- Cough sweets.
- Colin, what are you doing here?
There's a pile of boxes in the loading bay.
- Yeah, I'm having a--
- I'm afraid that cannot be
disclosed as I intend to patent,
but it has been rigorously tested in lab conditions.
- Get the Freddie Flintoff boxes from the loading bay
and stack them, please.
- I've got a hangover here.
- Have some water.
- Water's actually one of the worst things you can drink.
It's basically liquid asbestos.
And that's a medical fact.
- It's not a medical fact.
- I'm going in.
Ah, it's nice, that. (grunts)
- Point proven, I think.
- In what way?
- There we go.
Good.
- You're a trooper, Gavin.
You're certainly earning that holiday. Where are you going?
- Well, my cycling club do a
Pedal Through The Tulips tour.
Hull to Haarlem.
- Oh, with a little bit of
window shopping in Amsterdam
on the way, no doubt, you sly dog.
- Guilty as charged.
I've lost weeks to a good ogle
through an Amsterdam window.
The things they have on offer
there you just can't find in Warrington.
And believe me, I've looked.
- Oh, right.
- This helmet is giving me a headache.
- [Charlotte] Aah!
- Charlotte!
What on earth are you doing?
- Oh, I got like
zilch sleep last night.
I went to this mental party
and I lost track of time.
(groans), we didn't fly back
until about three.
- Fly back?
- Yeah, it was in Morocco.
Anyway, I'm zonked
so I'm going to have a little nap. (yawning)
Will you get the blinds, Gavin?
- Charlie, you can't sleep in here.
- Don't worry, I'll be quiet as a mouse.
Just ignore me.
- Ooh, I can feel my ankles swelling up.
I haven't been on my feet like this since I used to work at Clarks.
- Oh, I used to work there, yeah.
Yeah, back in the '60s.
- Really?
- [Maggie] Yeah.
- Well, then we might have crossed over. I was there in the winter of '68.
Wait a minute, Maggie?!
- Phyllis?
- What?
No, Rose.
You remember, I worked on the tills.
I had red hair?
About this tall.
- Oh, Rose! (laughs)
Oh, fancy that, after all these years!
(laughing)
- And what about that gorgeous hunk that used to come in to
have his wellingtons stretched.
What was his name?
- Oh, I don't know who you mean.
- We both fancied the pants off him.
Big glasses, tiny head.
You know?
We had a pact, remember?
We agreed our friendship was more important,
so neither of us could have him.
- Uh, I think I'll just go uh, away.
- Alan!
That was it, Alan!
You remember?
Of course, I put our friendship above everything,
but, oh boy, would I have liked to climb that banana.
(laughing)
- Ah, welcome, Freddie.
Shall we just go over
your speech for the launch?
- Yeah, I was going to say it's a great honour for me to launch
my party range at Valco.
And it's a new experience
because the missus usually shops at Waitrose.
- Ah, well, I don't think we need
to mention that, actually, Freddie. - He's right, though, this place isn't
a patch on Waitrose.
Yo, Fredster!
Big fan, love your work.
- Thanks.
- We should do lunch sometime. - We're quite busy here, Harry.
Would you just get back to the tills?
Go on, go on.
- I'm quite intrigued to know,
are your chicken and pork-based products free-range?
It would be good to get that in if they are.
- No idea.
I don't know what goes in them.
- You're selling a product you don't know anything about?
- Come on, Gav, everyone does it.
Food's food, right?
- Well, no!
Sorry, excuse me.
Charlie?
Charlie!
- I'm sure Gavin's filled you in,
but just to say,
if I do feel an attack is imminent,
I will block you thusly,
or like this.
- All right.
I get it. I get it.
- If it comes to it,
I'll kill for you.
- Cheers, man, that's good to know.
Good to know.
- I can't even look myself in the mirror.
I feel that guilty.
I told him Rose had run off with the circus.
Ooh, I'm an horrible person!!
- Margaret, you were in love.
It's a strong natural female hormonal condition,
caused by an excess of yeast.
- Here I am!
So what's the gossip?
- Oh, my God, there's loads. So Margaret's worried because
she married this guy called Alan without telling her friend Rose.
- Oh, uh, no I.
- Alan?
- I, I.
- You took him from me?
- But I didn't realise.
- You stole my Alan?
- I thought you'd find another man.
- Alan was more than a man to me!
He was a god! (sobbing)
- Oh, I suppose Alan does move in mysterious ways.
- You meant that Rose.
My brain is literally still in bed.
- Ah, just saw the email from Head Office. They sound excited.
- Yes, well, he's never afraid
of an emoticon, is Martin Shell.
To be honest this whole launch is just shambolic.
He's a sports personality, not a chef.
He doesn't know the products, he doesn't even shop at Valco.
Why is he even here?
It's just ridiculous.
- Who's ridiculous?
- Freddie oh.
I, I didn't mean that--
- If you don't want me, I can go right now.
- Oh-ho-ho!
Freddie Flintoff!
Get in!
Oh, man you are a legend, mate!
C'mon.
- Yes, I am.
- Oh.
Any sign of Freddie? - Can't find him anywhere, sorry.
- I've just spoken to his agent, says he's gone AWOL.
And he's switched his phone off. This is a disaster!
- Sorry, I am way behind today but I promise
I will be ready in like 20 minutes.
(dryer whirring)
- Why've you got a face like a smacked arse?
- Guess.
(laughing)
Right, Lis.
I've got a load of Flintoff range I need to stack
and I'm wrecked.
Are you wrecked? - Yeah. (laughing)
- I might have to get some more of that miracle cure from Brian.
- What was in it?
- I'm not too sure, but it's taken
the skin off my tongue, look.
- Oh.
Mate of me sister's did a drug trial without knowing what was
in it, right, and he ended up
having really bad side effects.
I think he went blind or bald.
Or like deaf in one ear.
- Right which one was it? - Which ear?
- Which side effect?
- Blind, I think.
- Lisa, you're a bloody genius!
Mwah!
- Aw.
- Come here, mmm.
- Mmm, (laughing) mmm!
- Mmm.
- Perv.
- Pop quiz.
Freddie's about to give his speech when an assassin hurls
a grenade from the crowd.
What do you do?
- Body block Freddie, locate the grenade
hurl it back at assailant, exploding him.
- Ah, but that's just a decoy.
The real killer has put a bomb
in a trolley, rigged to explode when it goes over two miles an hour.
- I'd instigate a trolley lockdown
and a basket-only zone
within three aisles of Flintoff.
- God, you're good!
- It's my duty to keep Freddie safe
until he finishes his business at Valco.
I intend to stick with him like a shadow in the wind.
- Where is he, by the way?
- I don't know.
He could be anywhere by now.
- Can you see anything at all, Colin?
- I'm all right.
Are we in a forest at the minute? - Is everything all right?
- Mum?
- It's Brian.
- Brian, yeah.
It's uh, no.
I'm sorry, it's just you're
so blurry and cloudy at the minute. It's probably that medicine you gave me.
It's affected my eyesight quite a bit. - No, no, no, no, no.
That's not possible.
I mean, I can't think what...
Well, it's only caffeine,
bicarbonate of soda, sea salt.
- I'm going to have to take a seat, Lis. - What?
No, there's no chair there, Colin.
- Ohhh.
- You need to get him isolated.
- No I've got to stack
boxes before the launch.
I can't leave them like that.
- I can handle that.
Just don't tell anyone.
- Gavin?
- [Gavin] Daniel!
- There's no need to get anyone else
involved, it'll pass in a minute.
Just keep him hidden.
(groans)
(laughing)
- Yes!
Oh, my God, Colin!
Can you really not see?
- I can't.
It's just that I.
- Ah!
You're good at this!
- (laughing) I am good at it.
- You are good at it. (laughing)
- You'll be fine, blindness is covered
by public liability insurance,
you won't get sued this time.
Don't touch it!
- Er, Mr Flintoff,
it's Gavin Strong again.
Just wondering if you might return my call.
Well, calls.
Yeah. Right.
Many thanks.
What's happened to Colin? - He knew the risks when he took it!
- What are you talking about? - Nothing.
- Why are you doing that and not Colin? - I don't know, and even if I did
know, you can't blame me!
I said leave it.
- You're a Jezebel!
A heartless, scheming Jezebel
Try one of these, madam?
- I'm sorry, Rose.
I was wrong to choose Alan over a lovely five-week friendship.
I just didn't know you cared so much.
- You two-faced, small-time floozy!
You harlot!
You stole the man that was rightfully mine!
Alan!
- Now.
Have you seen Freddie Flintoff? - No, is it good?
Who's in it?
- It's not a film, Margaret, he's a person.
He's disappeared.
- She's probably lured him into her love den.
The vixen!
- He wouldn't fit into our den.
- Shame on you, Margaret, shame!
- Look, whatever's going on can
you please just find a way to sort it out?
- Oh, you're right Gavin.
There's only one thing I can do.
I've got to give Alan back.
- [Colin] First time, tenner, I'll do it.
- Yeah? Tenner? - Yep. Yeah.
Give me some pork. Let's go, yeah.
Oh, what! - Ah!
- Now that, and again.
Like that.
- [Colin] Oh and again.
One more. One more. One more.
Right, come on.
- Here.
(laughing)
- Colin?
Colin?
- Hello?
Is it me you're looking for?
- How are you feeling?
- Uh not great, Bri, not good.
It's actually getting worse if anything, it's just.
- I'm not surprised.
You see, I've just checked the ingredients and the truth is I've made
a terrible, terrible mistake.
- You what?
- I added 20cc's of Benzedrine sulphate
instead of Benzedrine phosphate. You need to go to hospital.
- No, no.
I feel fine Brian. - Apart from the blindness?
- Oh no, it's actually wearing off a bit. Whoa, look at that!
I can see you.
- That's the worst thing that you could've said!
Sharp sightedness is the first symptom of blood poisoning.
How do your arms feel? - Normal.
- That's stage two!
You need to go to A & E now,
and I mean now.
You've got about 30 minutes before your organs fail.
- Are you serious?
Oh, my God, Colin!
- Lisa?
If you've got anything to say to him, say it now.
- Oh, God!
Are you all right? - No!
- It's going to be all right. - No, it's not.
- It is. - No, it's not.
- It will.
- [Colin] It won't.
- [Lisa] It has to be. (boxes thudding)
- Told you.
- The secret to being a bodyguard is to stay one step ahead of your enemy.
- Do you reckon he could be in the store now, watching us?
- It's possible.
- Do you reckon he's looking at you and thinking,
"Ooh, Kevin Costner's let himself go?"
- Ian, have you seen Freddie Flintoff?
Has he left this store?
- I've not seen him for the last 10 minutes, but there was
an unmarked period of time when he may have slipped out, yes.
- What unmarked period?
And where's your uniform? - I had to pop home to change.
- You left the store unattended?!
- He assessed the risks and found it absolutely essential
to acquire the appropriate attire.
- See?
- This is a disaster.
- Don't worry,
no-one is going to mess with this, Gavin.
- Hey.
Been looking everywhere for you.
Um, I think maybe there might
have been a bit of a misunderstanding.
- I know when I'm being insulted.
- Sorry.
- All people see is this tall,
good-looking, charismatic guy with a world-class batting average.
I'm sensitive.
I write poetry.
- Really?
- Why does everyone look surprised when I tell them that?
Do you want to hear one?
- A poem?
- Yeah.
- I'm not sure if there's time.
- Oh, okay.
Pretty flowers on the wall.
Pretty flowers, pink and tall.
- Rose?
I know you're not talking to me,
but I want you to have this.
It's an instruction manual for Alan.
I'm returning him.
Now there's some photographs of him in Skegness, I've listed
all his favourite TV, and there's a
leaflet on how to cut his toenails.
So if you just let me pop home,
I'll pack a suitcase
and I'll be out of your hair by tea-time.
- Well, what will Alan say?
- Oh, he probably won't notice for a few days.
We can ease him into it.
- Is this him in this photo?
Blimey! He's ballooned!
And his face looks like a piece of salami.
No, it's all right, you can keep him.
- Really?
Well, you wouldn't like
to have him at weekends, maybe?
- No!
I wouldn't touch him with a barge pole, not now.
- Oh, oh, I'm so glad.
Oh, that's settled then.
(laughs)
- Children play in fields of birds
And sing a song with dead good words.
Did you like it?
- Huh?
Yeah, very much.
- Thanks, man.
- You know, sometimes I think about putting
my own words and thoughts.
- Whatever, mate.
Come on, let's launch this baby.
- Ladies and gentlemen. Thank you for joining us today
to launch the Freddie Flintoff Party Platter.
Now, due to unforeseeable
circumstances I'm afraid that
Freddie is unable to join us today.
- [Crowd] Oh!
- If you--
- Here's Freddie!
(crowd cheering and applauding)
- Who wants to see some cricket?
- Let's see what you're made of.
- Just go nice and easy there, Freddie.
- Yeah.
- [Man] Come on, Freddie!
- Hey, we not got time to put them on.
- Can I put my helmet on?
- Yeah I think you should.
- [Crowd] Freddie, Freddie,
Freddie, Freddie, Freddie,
Freddie, oooh!
(bat cracks)
- I'm ready!
(ball thuds)
(crowd gasps)
- Let me through, let me through.
I'm a qualified pharmacist.
(camera shutters clicking)
I pronounce this man to be dead.
(crowd gasping)
Note the time of death at 13:02 p.m.
- Hang on a minute.
He's still breathing, his chest just moved.
(crowd gasps)
- I pronounce this man knocked unconscious
by a cricket ball.
All right, semi-unconscious.
(crowd cheering)
- Yai!
- Head office has been on the phone.
The story is all over the news.
- Oh, God.
- Valco, serves you right!
As Freddie Flintoff found out today, in a game of cricket
aimed to promote his party platter range.
Flintoff has faced some of the biggest hitters in the world, but
he couldn't handle Gavin Strong,
manager of Valco, Warrington.
Strong didn't flinch from Freddie's pace
and returned the ball straight at the former
England cricket star's forehead
knocking him temporarily unconscious.
- They're thrilled! They say money can't buy the kind
of publicity you gave Valco!
- Right.
What am I doing today?
- Ah, well, it's actually time
for you to clock off, Charlotte.
Maybe you two could pick up again in the morning?
- Right you are.
Although I am off to Madrid tonight, but don't worry,
I'll take my uniform and change on the plane.
I'm learning!
(laughing)
- Oh, don't make me laugh!
I'll have to go to the loo!
- Decoy secured.
Back to base.
(upbeat happy music)