(laughing)
- Can she just stop that now? (grunts)
- Oh, he keeps on moving it. (grunts)
- From booze to biscuits.
- Red dot deals.
- Loads of two for ones.
- Don't forget the Valco tick.
- Everyone always gets it wrong, it's definitely that way.
- Tick.
- And I'm not doing that tick thing either.
- Am I getting paid for this?
(laughs)
- Serves you right.
- [All] Valco serves you right.
(beeping)
- As soon as the shift's over we are out of here, right?
- Right.
I've got me dancing shoes on, check.
Drinking pants, right.
- Oh.
- Nothing can stand in our way. - I know.
- There's my Coli-wubbles!
Look at you, you poor thing.
That hair needs cutting.
- No, I like it.
I think it looks like Russel Crowe.
- Don't be such an idiot.
Come over tonight and I'll cut it for you.
- I can't come over tonight, I'm going out with Lis tonight.
- Yeah.
- Oh.
Fine.
- So I'll be standing in for Gavin while he's on holiday.
Pretty big shoes to fill.
Not that I'm saying he's a clown or anything.
(chuckles)
Oh, that's terrible.
- Knock knock.
I'll be your sound effects lady for the day.
(chuckles)
Can you imagine if we actually did that. Glump, glump, glump, glump, glump.
(creaking)
glump, glump, glump.
(blows raspberry) oh!
(laughs)
- Did you want something, Charlie?
- Oh, yes.
I just came in to tell you that I'm not late.
Yay, progress.
- Technically, you're supposed to
start out there at seven and you're out here chatting,
so you're gonna be at least 5 or 10 minutes late,
and now we're gonna have to dock your pay. - What, I get paid to be here?
- Yeah.
- Awesome, how much do I get?
- 6.50 an hour.
- So 6.50 an hour by six, uh...
- 39 pounds.
- 39 pounds?
That'll totally buy me a bottle of wine with my friends tonight.
- As I was saying to your ex Donna only last night,
I had my time with you.
When I took you in as a toddler
I brought you up as if you were one of my own.
- I am one of your own.
- Hang on, who's Donna?
- No one.
- His soulmate, that's what he used to call her.
- Nana, no.
Lis, it was a long time ago.
Hang on.
How come you saw here, anyway? - I bumped into her at my house.
She's staying for the week, actually,
and she can't wait to see you.
So we should smarten you up.
You wanna make a good impression. - You are unbelievable, you know that?
- [Colin] Lisa, no, no, no, no, no, leave it.
- You and Donna were perfect together. And if her family hadn't moved away
I'd have some very beautiful great-grandchildren by now.
That's all your fault.
You took them from me.
Child snatcher!
- Charlie, I'm really busy this week
with Gavin away and stuff, so if you don't mind.
- Oh God no, I don't mind.
I am happy to help.
(gasps)
I could be your PA. - Oh, no, no, I don't need a PA.
- But look, look.
Paper collected.
Delivered.
How useful am I already? - I'm not gonna answer that.
God, no, not today.
(chattering)
Alright you lot, listen up.
As you may be aware...
as you may be aware...
- Lads!
- Oh, gosh.
That'll be the old eardrum gone then. - Could you please be quiet.
Daniel's about to make a speech and he's really nervous about it.
So just give him a break, okay?
Go on Daniel.
- Thank you, Charlie.
Anyway, I'm standing in for Gavin
who's away on holiday this week.
Pretty big shoes to fill.
(chuckles) (claps)
But I want you to know it's business as usual at Valco,
so let's get out there and prove to Gavin that we can do it.
(laughs)
That wasn't a joke.
- Fair enough.
- On another note, the last one,
as of today, the staff canteen is no longer free.
(grumbling)
- You what?
- Oh, dear.
- I got a fax through from head office. - No, no, no, that's out of order, mate.
- It is still subsidised, so it won't cost much.
- Oh, yeah, maybe not for you up there in management,
but for us down here on our wages.
- Charlie, you're a multi-millionaire.
- Yeah, but head office don't know that, do they?
- I think they do.
- Right, okay then.
Well maybe we should all just take it on the chin
and get back to work.
So please, come on, off you go.
- Well I'm not taking it on the chin, what is she talking...
- No, come on now, back off.
Back off.
That was brilliant.
So what are we gonna do now?
- This could go badly, very badly indeed.
You restrict a man's access to food,
you unleash something primal.
- Shut up.
- What?
- Hi.
- Leona, right?
You're in my English class at college.
Not that I'm a stalker or anything,
it's just, you know, would be weird
following you around all day. Not 'cause you're boring, just 'cause,
I'll stop talking now.
- Okay, thanks.
- See ya.
- Oh, dear, oh, dear, oh dear.
- What?
- Somebody needs help in the art of wooing a lady.
- From a homosexual middle aged man?
No, you alright.
- Your loss.
Although, I could've had you fully trained up
by the time she came back.
- Why will she come back?
- Because Leona,
(kisses)
has left her mobile phone.
Interested now, aren't you?
Eh, eh?
Calling home.
Hello, security department here at Warrington Valco,
you've left your mobile phone.
It's in safe hands.
Just ask for Harry when you get here.
And that, my young apprentice,
is lesson one, how to snare your lady prey.
- You haven't ended the call.
- Oh, bugger, sorry!
- Oh.
- Now I've taken a photograph of myself. - Oh!
(laughs)
- [Daniel] Colin?
- What?
- I hope you've got a receipt for those. - Oh, nah, nah, nah, nah, nah, no.
Don't ball me out for this, I'm starving here.
And if you hadn't sacked out free food,
I wouldn't be forced into a life of crime.
- Hey, that was not his fault.
He is nowhere near senior enough to make those sort of decisions.
And he probably never will be. - Thank you, Charlie.
- I've got your back Daniel. - Fine.
But on your heads be it, alright.
If I pass out from malnutrition from lifting these...
- Rice cakes?
- Rice cakes, mate, alright.
Heavier than they look.
(sniffs)
- You alright Neville? - Yes, yes.
All good.
Only, the whole canteen thing did come as a bit of a blow.
Yes, most of my money goes on child maintenance, you see.
- Oh, how old are your kids?
- 24 and 19.
Yes, they take a lot of maintaining.
Or so I'm told.
- Sorry mate, I could lend you a fiver if you need it.
- No, no, no, it's fine.
I'm sure going to miss them meals.
Yes, bye-bye breakfast
and lunch,
and often dinner, too.
All of my meals, in fact.
Yes, all of them.
Still, at least I get to be around food,
even if I can't eat it.
(chuckles)
- That's the spirit.
I think.
- The thing you notice about Donna first, I think,
is her lovely perfume.
It's like a garden full of roses.
I asked her last night what she wears,
and do you know what she said?
- I don't know, I don't care, so why don't you--
- She said, I don't wear any perfume,
she's just naturally fragrant.
And clever, and pretty, and fertile.
- You alright, sweet cheeks?
- Oh, hello.
Thank you, my lovely boy.
- No, your Nana was just telling me how your ex really smells.
- What?
(laughs)
- Well you'll find out for yourself. She's coming here to fetch me after work.
- She's coming here to Valco?
- Not that you're bothered. - No, no, no, no, no, not bothered,
but she's coming here to Valco today?
- Well don't look so worried.
We'll soon have you smartened up.
(chuckles)
Oh, lift your arms.
- What?
(aerosol can sprays) - Oh, Nana, stop it, come on.
- Thank you.
- It's alright.
Do it myself.
(aerosol can sprays)
- Oh, hello Linda.
I didn't see you there.
- I told you not to talk to me at work.
- Oh, right.
I thought you just meant not to mention what we got up to last night.
- Neville!
Shut up, will you!
- Sorry, yes.
Sorry.
But just to be clear,
it's all talking that's banned, is it?
You don't think that might be even more suspicious?
I mean, we did used to talk before we-- - Fine.
Some talking, but don't-- - Mention last night.
Got you.
Or tonight?
- I'll think about it.
- So will I.
(chuckles)
- [Charlie] Wow, people are really angry
about this whole canteen thing.
- I just wanted to check my emails.
For some reason nothing's coming through to my phone.
- Oh yeah, that's 'cause I did this really clever thing.
- What really clever thing?
- Well I saw all these emails coming in, like ping, head office,
ping, ping, Martin Shell.
And I thought to myself,
oh no, he does not have time for this today.
I literally said that out loud to myself.
I said, oh no, he does not have time for this today.
- What did you do Charlie?
- Well, I set up an automatic reply.
See?
- Hey guys, how are you all doing?
I'm on the shop floor busting my onions.
I'll get back you yous soon as.
Lots of love, Daniel.
Deputy Mangobbler.
Mangobbler?
- Oh, no!
I put manager, I swear.
Auto correct.
Oh, that is so funny, I'm gonna have to
take a picture of that and put it on Facebook.
(camera shutter clicks)
(chuckles)
- What two things does every woman want from a relationship?
- Oh, this I've got to hear.
Go on then, don't mind me.
- City bricks and kick?
- Wrong.
Security and security.
It's in their basic biological makeup.
Show her you're not gonna let anyone eat her kids,
she'll be yours for life.
- And how do I do that?
- Electronic surveillance.
- Because that's not all all sinister.
- Don't listen to him.
What women want is to feel like they've got a real catch,
someone unattainable.
- So I've got to become unattainable by this afternoon.
Great.
- Don't worry, I'll fix it for you.
Just give me a nod when she comes in, right,
and she'll be putty in your hands.
- Can't I just ask her out?
(laughs)
- So naive.
- Bless him.
- Why you got your shirt tucked in like that?
(mumbles)
- Yeah, it must've just hitched up when I went for a dump.
It'll be fine.
- So I was thinking about tonight, right,
and Nando's get dead busy at times,
so we should try and sneak off a little bit earlier.
- No, no, that's gonna be tricky.
It is gonna be tricky, 'cause I've got loads on.
- Loads of what?
- Work.
Yeah, I'm gonna stay to the end of the shift
because, you know, they pay us to be here. - Who are you?
You just wanna stay and see your ex.
(gasps)
- Yeah alright, I do.
But Lisa, literally, it's just out of curiosity.
That's all, seriously.
- You know what they say about curiosity, don't you?
- Yeah.
Strangled the cat. - No.
It stops you from getting any for a month.
(grunts)
- Lisa.
(beeping)
- Say what you like about Gavin, and you know I do,
but he would never stand for this. - This isn't Daniel's fault, Sue.
He's doing his best.
- Well it looks like to me he's doing a sweet F.A.
- Well, that's where you're wrong, actually,
because Daniel is on the phone right now
telling head office to reverse their decision.
- Oh, great.
Well meanwhile, we starve, cheers Daniel.
- And there's more.
Because Daniel just told me to take you our for lunch.
- Really?
- Yes.
His idea, just now.
- Amazing.
Spread the word, Charlie's taking us all out to lunch.
- Come on.
- Is everybody coming? That's great, yeah.
Yay.
- Could a member of staff please report
to the customer service desk, that is any member of staff,
please report to the customer service desk.
Right now.
- Alright Daniel?
- Where are they all?
- Shouldn't take a genius to work that out, does it?
They've walked, mate, clearly.
Down tills, gone on strike.
- You're joking.
- You took their canteen away.
You didn't think they'd just sit and take it, did you?
- Alright, will you help me look for them, then?
- Oh, no.
Don't go dragging me into your management nightmare.
- Neville, come with me.
- I wasn't going to eat it.
Honestly, I was just looking at it.
- What?
Look, we need all the hands we have on tills,
the staff have gone on strike.
- Have they?
No one told me.
Not that it matters, I wouldn't have gone with them anyway.
(chuckles)
- These tills over here are no longer just for baskets,
so if you wanna come around,
and don't forget the self service.
- Can you tell me where the eggs are? - There's no one on the bakery.
- Aisle four next to home baking.
Someone will be with you in a moment, sir,
- Oh dear, they've got you exactly
where they want you now, eh?
- They've been gone over an hour and a half, Ian,
I'm gonna have to call head office. Excuse me.
Hello, can I speak to Martin Shell please?
Yes it's urgent.
- Daniel.
- Martin, hey.
It's Daniel from the Warrington branch.
We've got a bot of a situation.
- Daniel.
- One second.
The staff have gone on strike.
- [Martin] What do you mean they're on strike?
- Okay, Martin--
(yelling on phone)
Sorry, Mr. Shell.
Yep, right away, I'll do that now.
(yelling on phone)
Okay.
Ian.
- It seems it wasn't a walk out after all.
- Where the hell have you been?
- Pizza Express.
Don't be mad, we got you a goodie bag.
And there were dough balls because I know you like dough balls,
but they were just too yummy, sorry.
(laughs)
- Have you any idea what you've done?
- Yeah, well everyone was in a grumble about the canteen
- And Charlie said it was your idea.
- Everyone, back to work now, please, thank you.
- Looks like somebody likes the dough balls.
(laughs)
Bye guys.
Stay cool, stay cool, okay.
- Okay, well can you get him to call me back please, urgently?
What?
- Do you miss Gavin?
Is that the problem?
- No, Charlie.
The problem is you.
You took all the staff to lunch. - And then we ate your balls?
- Forget about the dough balls, Charlie.
You took everyone off site without telling me.
What was I supposed to think?
- Why, what did you do?
(gasps)
Oh, my God, you did something really bad, didn't you?
I can see from your face.
- I called the head office,
Martin Shell is on his way over here as we speak.
- Oh, my God, you didn't.
You total idiot.
You busted yourself into head office, for real?
- Yeah, it's not funny, Charlie. (laughs)
- No, I'm not laughing at you, I'm laughing with you.
- I'm not laughing at all, Charlie.
- Daniel?
Daniel.
- Has anyone seen Colin?
- No.
- No?
- Um hi, sorry, I think I might have left my phone here.
- Yeah, yeah, you did.
- Oh, thank you.
Harry, isn't it?
Listen, I was just wondering if you wanted to maybe meet up?
- Hi, babe.
What's on for tonight?
I'm wearing your favourite.
- Get off, will you?
(laughs)
- What does he like? See you under the shift, gorgeous.
- You got her to do that, right? - Yeah, yeah, I did.
- Tragic.
(groans)
- Should have gone with the electronic surveillance,
mate, works every time.
- Colin?
Don't you dare!
(laughs)
- Try and stop me.
- Ladies, come on.
Let's not do anything hasty here.
- Right.
Give me those.
(grunting)
- Stop it, stop it, this is madness.
She snot worth it.
- Who isn't? - Who isn't?
- Just pack it in please, (mumbles)
- Give me the clippers. - Over my dead body.
- Fine!
- No!
(clippers buzzing) Get off me!
- Oh, come on guys.
(grunting)
- Just stop it.
- Look what you've done! - Me?
It was your big ham hands.
- Oh, this really hurts.
- Vulgar little witch! - Get off me!
(grunting)
- Really hurts.
(yelling)
- Oh, that really hurts.
(grunting)
- Ow, as if I'm not in enough discomfort.
(yelling)
- You won't get away with this!
- Hag!
- Floozy!
- Oh!
(grunting)
- Mm.
Mm.
(yelling)
- Stop it!
(coughing)
Okay, stop it.
- She started it! - She started it!
- Look at you.
What is wrong with you?
- Who, me or her?
- Both of you.
- Well she's totally unhinged! - She's a total psycho!
- I don't wanna hear it, alright.
I've had enough of you.
- Who? - Who?
- Both of you!
Look Colin, I can't go on like this.
Choose, is it me or her?
- Yeah, me or her, Colin,
because I'm not putting up with this anymore.
- Okay, neither.
- What?
- I choose neither of you.
You're both mental!
- Colin! - Colin!
- Knock, knock.
(creaking)
That's a bit of haunted house, isn't it? Wait no.
(hissing)
No, that's a bit Star Trek.
- Is it?
- Star Trek, Star Wars?
- Did you want something? - Just to say that I Skyped my dad
and I told him that it wasn't totally your fault.
- It wasn't my fault, it was your fault.
- You alright Daniel?
You've gone all scary eyes again. - No, no I'm not okay.
I'm never okay when you're around, 'cause you're a nightmare.
And if it wasn't for Daddy, you would've been sacked weeks ago.
- Daniel, I wanted to speak to you.
(sighs)
I'm ashamed to say that I ate a slice of ham.
- Oh, get out.
- You're right to be angry.
Theft is theft.
- You want me sacked?
- You are un-sackable, Charlie.
Don't you get it?
And even if I could get rid of you, what difference would it make?
It's all just a game to you anyway.
And have a little dinner party anecdote about something that wasn't your fault.
- Well I'm sorry that you feel that way.
I just bought you these.
And just so you know, I'm not doing the sound effect game with you anymore,
but only because I don't know how to do the sound of a slamming door.
(exhales)
- No wait, I remember how to do it now.
It's slam!
- Colin.
- No, no, no, Lisa, Lisa,
I'm going to pub, alright?
Alone.
- Where is she then?
- Who?
- This Donna.
I thought she was picking you up.
- Oh yes.
Her very expensive car must have broken down.
I'm catching a bus instead.
- Lying old witch.
- Oh, did it work then?
- No, didn't.
Are you free to make this little shred of ours a reality?
(lighthearted music) - Not happening Harry.
- Worth a try.
Night then.
- Oh, dear.
Lover's tiff.
- What ours?
No.
Anyway, I'm seeing someone soon, aint I, huh?
- Who?
Me?
- Neville!
Just shut up.
(upbeat music)