- Could you just stop that now?
- (grunts) Aw, he keeps on movin' it. (grunts)
- From booze to biscuits. - Red-hot deals.
- Loads of two-for-ones.
- Don't forget the Valco tick.
- People always get it wrong, it's definitely that way.
- Tick.
- And I'm not doing
that tick thing, either.
- Am I gettin' paid for this?
(laughing) - Serves you right.
- [All] Valco serves you right.
(upbeat music) (shopping carts clash)
- Please, we've not got much time, this is really important.
- I know this is important, Daniel. Daddy says if I screw up one more time
they'll make me poor.
- There's nothing wrong with being poor. - Yeah.
Me, poor, having to manage with just one house,
a couple of cars, one single horse.
- Yeah, that's still rich.
- Oh my God, this is terrible.
Right, test me. - Right.
The store is divided into 12--
- Disciples. - Aisles!
- I was close, though.
Aisles.
- What are you doin'?
- Cheat notes, disciples.
- No no no no, don't write disciples.
- How are we doing? - Oh, brilliantly, look.
- How bad is it?
- In 20 minutes, the owner of Valco is coming in
to see if we've shown his daughter how all aspects of a supermarket work.
- Listen, if we can just get her to look like
she knows the basics, then maybe he won't fire us.
- Oh my God, guys, my fleece has a badge with my name on it.
- Oh, screw it.
- The head of Valco, here. - Where?
- No, I mean he's coming in today.
Finally, my big chance to impress.
- Oh, d'you know what I find impressive?
Impressions, me and my Alan saw a great one once
at Pontoon's, he did Bruce Forsythe.
Alan were in tears! (laughing)
- No, no, no, see I've seen the future, Margaret.
I know exactly what supermarkets will look like
and how we can be ahead of the curve.
- Nice to see ya, nice to see ya. (laughing)
I laugh just thinkin' about him. (laughing)
- Me, it was the same with books.
They all said I was mad.
- Have you told Gavin that you can see into the future?
- What, Gavin, no, I've tried,
but it's too much for his little brain.
I need to go straight to the head honcho with this.
Someone with a bit of vision.
(laughing)
- Sorry, I'm thinking about Brucie again.
Good games, good games. (laughing)
- Gavin. - (gasps) Oh.
Oh, Mr. O'Connor, I didn't see you there.
- Enough talkin', where's my little girl, huh?
I mean I wouldn't lie to you, Gavin, I would never lie to you.
- Oh that's good to know. - That was a lie!
I would lie to you, you should have spotted the lie!
- Oh-- - Let's to cut the chase.
All right, I trusted you to turn my daughter
from a walkin' disaster into someone who can cut it
in this world.
This is her last chance, you know, Gavin.
If she screws it up, she's dead to me.
- Isn't that a bit extreme? - No more daddy's money.
She's out of the will, she's out of the family vote,
all's gone, just like her brother.
- Didn't know Charlotte had a brother. - Exactly.
So if you've messed this up, she's out.
- I'd hate to think what you'd do to me. (chuckling)
- [Lisa] This till's open.
- I think you'd prefer this till, sir, that one's a bit...
hygiene problems. - I wouldn't go there,
to-may, she's a
cow. - Well I'd rather be a cow
than a whore!
- Well for your information, I'm both, so there.
- What? - Hang on, hang on.
I meant, oh shut up!
- Why don't you shut me up?
If it's another fight you want, I'm right here!
- I told you to wait two minutes before comin' in,
not walk straight behind me. - Sorry.
I couldn't help it, I was admiring the lovely view.
- Don't try it, Neville, not here. - Mornin'.
- Hiya, how you doin'?
Good night last night, what were you up to?
No, I'm not late, what?
- Mornin'.
(clattering)
(panting)
- [Rose] Why have you brought me here, Cauliflower?
- [Colin] Let me just show you this, that's it.
Just up here it is. - Oh, right.
What's she doing in here?
- Are you sure there's a KFC in here?
I can't find it anywhere.
- This is for your own good, girls.
- [Lisa] What?
Colin! - Colin!
- Let us out! - Open up!
- Why do we keep fresh produce at the front of the store?
- Rabbits. - Rabbits?
- Yes, when the rabbits come into the shop,
they see the carrots, take them,
and then they don't go eatin' other stuff
in the rest of the shop. - (chuckling) Yes.
I never thought of it like that before.
And of course, there's that other thing,
um, that you were saying to me earlier, remember?
About how it's so the customer associates our store
with freshness the minute they arrive.
- Yeah, that too, but mainly rabbits.
- Give me strength.
- I can't find that sodding KFC anywhere.
I'm starvin'.
Can I have a crisp?
- No. (scoffs)
- I hope there's enough air in here.
(Lisa farts) (Margaret groans)
- Disgusting!
- Yeah, I can't help it.
Me stomach thought it was gettin' chicken. It's been tricked, it's angry.
(exhales)
(Lisa farts) (Margaret groans)
- Mr. O'Connor I've seen the future and I can save your supermarket.
- Oh, for goodness sake, Brian, we've discussed this before.
You cannot see into the-- - Gavin!
I've got this.
Now let me get this straight.
You think that you can stop me, Brendan O'Connor,
and tell me what to do with my own company?
- Yes, I know what tomorrow's supermarket will be
and if you'll give me a minute of your time
I can make sure that Valco stay ahead of the curve.
- You've got some balls, do you know that?
Big brass balls.
- I am so sorry-- - Huge balls!
Balls that you only read about in books!
Books about big balls!
And I love that.
You tell it like it is,
and I respect that.
- Please, I'm just an ordinary guy with an amazing gift,
a gift to see into the future itself.
- Well let me tell you somethin', kid.
This afternoon I'm going to give you two minutes
to give me your pitch.
Wow me.
- Thank you, Mr. O'Connor, sir.
- Right, come on, ladies.
- Goodbye, Your Grace.
- No need to curtsy, Margaret.
- Boo! (exclaiming)
- Alone at last.
- (sighs) You're weird, Neville.
- Just a little kiss, come on, I've really missed you.
- No, no Neville, this isn't a relationship thing.
It's just a bit of fun.
- That's what Vanessa said at first.
- And I don't know how, but somehow,
you've worn me down enough to sleep with ya.
- Again, just what Vanessa says.
- I'm in a low place right now.
- Snout, her father, had literally just died.
- What I'm trying to say is it's just a bit of fun
outside work, but not here, okay?
- Okay. - Right, well.
- Typical of my luck.
I manage to snare a beautiful woman,
a 10 out of 10, and I have to keep it a secret.
- Go on then. - Brilliant.
(exclaiming) Gee,
you see you are ticklish, Linda.
(laughing) Hello, Brian.
I didn't see you there.
I was just seeing if Linda here is ticklish.
(exclaiming) (laughing)
- That's exactly what you're doing.
- Whatever.
- Are you ticklish, Brian?
(exclaiming)
- What are you doin'? (laughing)
Stop it, no, no don't. (laughing)
Stop, stop or I'm gonna...
(laughing) (exclaiming)
- And I said to him, I said, listen till I tell you,
you speak to me like that again, Branson,
and I will pull that little beard out of your face,
and shove it up your ass. (telephone ringing)
(laughing)
Baby. (laughing)
- I suppose you had to be there.
- O'Connor.
What?
Wait a second, will you? Gavin, feed me.
- I'm sorry? - Just feed me, will ya?
Listen, you tell Ballantine if he thinks he can pull out
at this stage, he another think comin'.
Burger, burger.
Not the whole thing, break it into pieces.
- Sorry. - Listen,
you tell Ballantine if he wants to pull out, that's fine.
But tell him, I know his address,
and I know where his kids go to school, too.
- I hope we can keep this up till the afternoon.
Otherwise I'll be poor.
- I'm sure you'd manage.
- Oh no, I don't know.
I saw this documentary about this kid who was so poor,
he couldn't afford to eat.
And every time he asked for more gruel,
they wouldn't give him any.
So he had a to pick a pocket.
Sometimes two.
- Yeah, I think that's Oliver?
- Yeah, that was him, did you see it too?
- [Brendan] All right.
Thanks a lot, Liz.
- Should I stop?
- No.
I'm enjoying this, actually, fill me up.
Burger.
- [Neville] Do you mind if I join you gorgeous ladies?
- If you want. - Oh I do so.
Oh, I do.
- What star sign are you, Neville? - Cancer.
- With Jupiter rising, love is in the air.
Doesn't sound right.
- Oh, I don't know, sounds fairly accurate to me.
What about Linda, what does her star sign say?
- Taurus, it might feel like you're at rock bottom,
but at least the only way is up.
The letter N is on the horizon.
- [Neville] Hmm.
- It's a load of rubbish anyway.
- Oh, I'm not so sure, like the stars say:
love is in the air.
- Oh, it were ever so fun.
He really sounded just like him.
What do-points big surprises. (laughing)
- Margaret,
the supermarket of the future.
What do you think?
- It's just a pharmacy.
- Exactly.
- Hey, d'you know what it reminds me of?
This counter.
- Well yeah, it's a model of this counter.
- Oh.
But where's my banana?
- Well it's the supermarket of the future.
You'll have eaten your banana in the future.
- Hmm.
I've spoilt me surprise, I hadn't made me mind up.
Now I know I'm going to eat it.
- Well, that was a lovely lunch with two lovely ladies.
And I shall be seeing you both very soon.
(imitates cat purring)
- [Sue] Oh my God, Neville fancies me.
- What?
- He was playing footsie with me all lunch.
And all that walkin' me back here and puttin' his arm around me.
Ooh, Neville.
- Is it so bad if he does?
He's nice.
- Imagine how desperate you'd have to be to go out with him.
Think of it, Linda, can you imagine? - Yes, I can imagine, thank you.
- And, uh, this is the kiosk.
- There's a lot of age-restricted stuff here.
Question:
Someone comes to you and they want to buy a bottle of vodka.
They look under 18; what do you do?
- Well,
I would tell them
to pace themselves, because I remember when I was 17
I drank a whole bottle of vodka
at Georgie Thomas's brother's nightclub opening,
and, oh my God, Daddy, I was sick everywhere, I was
(imitates vomiting) (telephone ringing)
- Sorry, Charlotte, has your phone just beeped?
- Oh yeah, it has, how weird.
Oh, it's a wrong number.
But on an unrelated note,
Valco has a strict think-25 policy.
So I would have to ask them for a valid ID
as proof of age.
- Very good.
Right.
I need a slash.
Where?
(telephone ringing)
O'Connor, what?
Hang on a second.
Gavin.
I'm gonna need your help again.
- Typical crap plan of his.
That's the problem with Colin.
The only brain he's got is hanging between his legs.
- (chuckling) Well that's nothing new.
He's always thought with his winky.
Even when he was a toddler, he'd be watchin' Playschool,
looking at Jemima and rubbing himself against the sofa.
- He still does that when Holly Oaks is on.
- (laughing) No! - (laughing) Yeah.
(laughing)
Fancy a crisp?
- Yeah.
- You know, you're actually a lot like me, aren't you?
- Am I? - You say what's on your mind.
I like that.
- Yeah, well, you're not so bad yourself.
- Why don't we team up and teach him a thing or two, eh?
- Oh, nice one, Rose.
- Call me Nan. (laughing)
- Oh, cheers, Nan.
- Oi, don't finish them.
- All right.
- Has he gone? - Yeah.
- Right, I found a Toffee Crisp down there.
D'you want half? - Yeah, go on then.
(Brendan ranting)
- [Brian] He's coming, he's coming.
- All right, kid, you've got two minutes.
- The supermarket of the future.
Now if science has taught us anything,
it's that food will soon be a thing of the past.
Food as we know it won't exist.
Everything that we eat will soon be in pill form.
Not just food, sun cream, shampoo, magazines,
they'll all be in pills.
Ergo, tomorrow's supermarket will be just
a giant
pharmacy.
- Ta da!
- Is uh,
that it?
- No, no. - Ah.
- No.
Let me show you how it'll work, you see.
A customer comes in
up to the pharmacist and says,
"Good morning, I would like a roast dinner
"and some batteries and a loaf of bread."
Oh, certainly Madam.
Here's three pills.
- Sh sh sh sh sh.
Sh sh sh.
Is this meant to be a joke?
- No.
- Now, because if it's serious,
someone's going to get fired.
Or destroyed!
- Course it's a joke.
(laughing)
Look, it's a banana. (laughing)
It's just a big laugh.
(laughing)
- I love it, I love it, the balls on you!
Keep talkin', banana.
(panting and groaning)
- Right, now I know you're probably angry, but I did this so youse would make up.
So please, please, don't kill me.
- Don't be so silly, Colin.
We had a great time in there.
- Really?
- Yeah, we're bessie mates now.
Oh, I'm stuffed though, I couldn't even finish that chicken.
- There isn't any chicken in there. - Yeah.
On top of that delivery of dirty magazine Sambucca.
- What? - Yeah.
- Can't see any, Lizzie, show us in here.
- [Lisa] Yeah.
- It's for your own good, Colin.
(pounding) - Lisa!
Lisa, I can't see these magazines, mate.
- All right, loves.
Is this the van for Middlesbury?
(laughing)
- [Both] Yes.
(laughing)
- Oh, Mr. O'Connor, now before--
- I wanna talk to you about what I saw out there today.
Now I gave you my only daughter.
Don't ever interrupt me, Gavin, ever!
I trusted you to make something of my little girl.
And you did.
What a massive improvement.
- You did see her out there today, didn't you?
- Half a million euro I have spent
to spend her to the best schools in Europe,
and she learned nothin'.
Two months with you and she's like a machine.
- Well we did work on a very rigorous training regime.
- I mean she knows how the whole supermarket works.
That's not like the old Charlie. (chuckling)
She couldn't go two minutes without settin' somethin' on fire, hmm.
- We have a problem. - Not a good time.
- Now I don't know what you did,
but a huge congratulations to you and your team,
and let me tell you this, Gavin.
There is going to be a reasonably big bonus
on its way to you this Christmas.
- Oh, I'm so glad. (chuckling)
I suppose you can call of the hit men now.
(laughing)
- What a good point, call of the hit men. (laughing)
Anderson, yeah, stand down, it's over.
No no, repeat, stand down.
♫ Beautiful girl - Right, this can't go on.
♫ My beautiful girl
- It's not gonna happen, Neville, I'm a married woman.
I'm flattered, but it wouldn't work.
Sorry.
- What was that about?
- You, you idiot, playin' with her at lunch.
- I thought it was you.
- This is why I said it can't happen at work.
If Sue put two and two together and came up with four,
everyone would know by now.
- Well I just-- - Neville, not at work.
No huggin', no comin' up to see me,
no footsie, understood?
- Okay, fine.
From now on I shall be the soul of discretion.
It'll be our sexy secret.
No one here need ever know that you and I, Linda,
are regularly making love (speaks faintly).
- If you've quite finished
with your pornographic announcement, Neville--
- My what?
- Broadcasting your sexual exploits to the whole store
is a very serious offence.
- [Linda] Oh dear God.
- The balls on this one, ha!
Where do you find 'em, Gavin?
- Linda. (Brendan laughing)
- [Linda] Don't!
- Right, well that's me done, Gav.
You run a good ship here.
I'm impressed.
- All right, is that a lie? - No.
Well that was.
This one isn't though.
Bye. (claps Gavin's back)
Great balls, son.
- Oh. (Neville mutters)
- We did it!
- No you did it, you saved my job, Charlie.
- Yay!
And I get to keep my horses. (Daniel groans happily)
- You're amazin'.
Oh, I mean,
you did amazin', um, and you've, yeah, you...
You know what I mean.
- Yeah, yeah, of course, I mean, obviously.
Awkward silence. - Mm.
- Oh, sorry, wasn't supposed to say that bit
outside of my head. Daddy was really impressed.
- Well Daddy should be impressed.
I reckon if you stick at it and keep puttin' the effort in,
who knows, one day you might even be doin' my job.
Maybe Gavin's.
- Oh no, he was really impressed.
He wants me to take over and run the company.
- (laughing) What?
- (laughing) I know, it's awesome, isn't it?
Fizzy worm? - Boy, (laughing)
in charge, you, runnin' the whole company?
All Valco, all of it? - Yes.
Is it so hard to believe I can run a huge retail chain?
(laughing)
- Was he laughin' a lot when he said it?
- No. (sarcastically laughing)
(laughing)
(Brian sighs)
- Are you all right, Brian?
- Yes, Marge, I just can't believe I blew my big chance.
- Well I think you were wonderful.
- Do ya? - Yeah.
So what happens next?
- Eh?
- Well, the puppet show.
You know, it was so exciting,
I can't wait to see what happens. (chuckling)
- Well I can show you.
- Yeah, yeah.
- Now, where were we?
Oh yes, there you go Madame.
"Oh, I need two pills of petrol, please."
Certainly, Mrs. Banana, I'll just have to go in the back.
Would there be anything else?
- Bananas, two bananas.
- Well that'd be cannibalism. - Oh.
- I couldn't believe it. - I know. (laughing)
I can't believe he did that.
- Well, you like to talk, don't you?
- Right-o.
(Lisa and Rose laughing)
(downbeat music)
- [Charlotte] You're gettin' a promotion,
you are gettin' a promotion, you I wanna talk about,
you're gettin' a promotion. We're all gettin' promotions.
(laughing)
(upbeat music) (cash register ticking)
(axe thuds)
(block thuds) (man grunts)
(electronic music)