- Huh, ah, he keeps on moving it, huh!
- From booze to biscuits.
- Red hot deals.
- Loads of two-for-ones.
- Don't forget the Valco tick.
- Everyone always gets it wrong, its definitely that way.
- Tick.
- And I'm not doing that tick thing either.
- Am I getting paid for this?
(woman laughing)
- Serves you right.
- [Workers] Valco: serves you right!
(upbeat music)
- I feel ridiculous, a serious medical man
forced to dress like a pill.
- Oh, is that what you are? Oh, I thought you were a sausage!
- I look like a wally.
- I'd say you look more like a willy.
- [Margaret] Well, you didn't have to wear a costume...
- Wow, don't you all look a picture?
Some of the costumes are, sorry,
Margaret, what are you dressed as?
- Sherlock Holmes.
- Yes, and why?
- Because you said.
- I don't think I did, I think it was pretty clear from the start that
the dress code was supermarket produce.
There's nothing about Sherlock Holmes.
- I wrote it down.
- Anyway, I'm sure that we're gonna smash
last year's charity total of £2,400!
There's some cracking fundraising events planned.
Now, you've probably all noticed the car.
- Oh, I thought there was something different,
Gavin, it's the car!
Well, that's not normally here.
- Another mystery solved, Holmes.
- It's a nice car, Gav, tasty wheels.
I'll give you £200 for it.
- The car is a prize, Collin.
Raffle tickets are £3 each
and it's even open to staff.
(staff clapping)
Now, I shall be getting in on the charity fun too.
You've all been adding to the manager's forfeit suggestion box.
Now, some of the suggestions were genuinely terrifying,
but we've chosen one, so this afternoon,
I shall be having my legs waxed
in front of the whole store.
(staff clapping) - Woah, woah, woah.
What, are you not going to go with my suggestion?
- No, Colin, we won't be going for "bury Gavin alive".
- But it's for charity, mate!
- Um, before we all go, I'm sure you're aware
today is Charlotte's last day.
Charlotte will be leaving us to run the entire company.
- But don't worry, I will double everyone's pay!
(staff cheering and clapping)
I can do that, can't I, Gavin?
- Oh dear, that really is rather worrying.
So let's just get out there and raise some money!
(staff cheering and clapping)
- [Rose] Gavin, gavin, come here!
- Rose, what are you doing in there? Where's your fancy dress?
- Oh, I'm not wearing that rubbish. Get in the car.
Now shut up, Gavin, listen.
I love going round to my little cauliflower's house
at the weekend, but I have to catch the bus!
Buses are not safe, Gavin, they're full of sex perverts.
But if I had a shiny, new car--
- If you want the car, you have to enter the raffle like everyone else.
- I can't afford to spend all my wages on raffle tickets!
Just give me the car, you fool!
(Colin humming)
- Oh, hey, Colin!
- Ah, hello you, how are you?
- I'm just doing the card collection for Charlie.
Have you got a fiver?
- Ah, my wallet is in my locker.
But I'll get it to you at lunchtime, promise!
What are you getting her? - I don't know, a Next voucher?
- Ooh, yeah, I'm sure she'll love that.
Oh no, hang on a minute,
she's a millionaire, crap idea!
Why haven't you signed it?
- I will, it's just I find it difficult.
- It's easy. (scribbles rapidly)
- Alright, don't make an effort or anything.
Oh, my god, that's beautiful! - Yeah.
- It's like you've summed up a whole soul. - Well, like I said, it's easy innit?
- Yeah, it's for charity,
every time I swear I've got to put a quid in.
- You swear at work?
Honestly, you don't get this at Waitrose.
- What?
Hang on, right, I'm not having that.
You are a snooty, (beep) (beep).
- Alright, Nev, chop chop.
- I'm running a bit late.
My costume attracted rather a few dogs.
- Are you still not talking to him?
- Would you be if he announced to everyone that you were sleeping with him?
- I suppose not.
How far have you got?
- I'm on the A5046, how about you?
- I've just left the carpark!
(women laughing)
- I know this isn't the best time to ask,
but now that she's over you,
do you mind if I have a crack at Linda?
I've held off until now, out of respect,
but come on, Nev, we're both men here, I've got needs.
- Your hair is (beep) (beep).
- You know, it's amazing, what they can do these days.
Do you think they put the peanut inside the chocolate
or the chocolate around the peanut?
- Who knows, Margaret?
It's like the chicken and the egg.
- So, we'll do the presentation here this afternoon.
- Oh, you have got to be kidding me.
- Brian, I hoped I'd run into you.
- Phillip! - Do you two know each other?
- Phillip's my brother.
- Oh, he's the doctor? - Yes, the doctor!
- Would you like a chocolate peanut, Doctor Phillip?
It's like the chicken and the egg.
- I shall resist, thank you.
You're looking well, Brian, I love the costume.
- So what are you doing here, Brian's brother?
- I'm here for the fundraiser, representing the hospital,
and you guys are doing such an amazing job here.
- You said we were raising money for the kiddies, not the hospital.
- Well, yes, it's the children's ward. - Paediatrics?
Oh, how very worthy, Gavin.
You may a well chuck the money down a well,
more chance of healing anyone than the quacks over there.
(Phillip and Margaret laughing)
- Well, there's certainly a few quacks up there.
- Ooh, I'm Phillip, look at me everyone.
I think I'm the best at everything. You know I beat him in the 100 metres
when I was 11 and he was 13, bet he didn't tell you that!
- Uh, no, it didn't crop up.
- Destroyed him!
- Not got time, really, to stop and chat, Brian.
We've got lots to arrange.
- It's good to see you, Bri.
You guys should come over for dinner on Saturday.
- Ah, yeah, you'd like that, wouldn't you?
- I would love it, the kids are always asking
why they don't see their cousins more. - I bet they are!
- I'll see if me and Alan are free.
- And another thing, right?
What the (bleep) (bleep) are you wearing? You look like (bleep) (bleep).
- Gavin, you're wearing shorts?
- Yeah, for the waxing.
- They are very short shorts.
- Yeah, I'm a bit worried about this waxing.
I didn't have leg hair til I was 32,
what if it doesn't grow back?
- I'm sure you... 32?
- Maybe I should just pull out.
Perhaps a sponsored haircut instead?
Daniel?
- Oh, sorry, I'm stuck on Charlie's leaving card.
It's so hard, it just seems like
"goodbye and all the best" just isn't enough.
- Maybe we'll miss her more than we thought.
- Yeah...
- I suppose I should sign this as well.
Oh, what a touching message!
- Off Colin, yeah!
- Every leaving card, such beautiful imagery.
Now I'm gonna have to need a minute, that's just knocked me for six, that has.
- I've bought as many as I can afford.
Still, I can manage without a car.
I can walk everywhere.
- Right, nan, I don't get paid til next week, you know that.
- But if I don't have a car,
I can't visit my little cauliflower.
I'll be stuck all alone in my stinking, tiny, little bedsit.
- Stinking, little?
Nan, you live in a four-bed cottage.
- Right, I'm sorry it's come to this.
Give me your dinner money!
- Oh, nan, are you bullying me?
- Yes, I'm not gonna let anyone just walk away with my car.
Now give me the money.
- Boo, camouflage!
- Fair enough.
- I really think this might be a bad idea.
- Come on, Gavin, do we all want to see him wax his legs?
- [Crowd] Yeah!
- Yeah, yeah, yeah, or, ready?
We could bury him alive, ooh!
- Phil's an idiot!
Yeah, I agree!
- Alright, it won't hurt too much, Gavin. There's hardly any hair there, anyway.
- My legs were late to develop!
- Right, come on, ladies and gents,
he's being very brave and it's all for a great cause.
Thanks to all of you here today,
we're able to put more beds on the ward
and make a real difference.
If you could see some of the kids,
I mean, they are so special,
and I know that they'd be very... (chokes up)
Sorry, I get emotional when I'm talking about them.
- Look, everyone, Phil's crying, what a baby!
Where's your nappy, baby Phil?
- Right, come on, let's wax some legs!
- Yeah! - Wax!
- [Crowd] Wax, wax, wax, wax, wax, wax!
- For goodness sake, if you want a job doing do it yourself.
(crowd groans)
- Neville, why don't you come and join us and have some cake?
- Sorry, yes, thank you, Sue.
Ah, is that coffee or walnut?
- Yep.
- Better not, I'm allergic to nuts.
- You're allergic to nuts?
- Yes, afraid so, and coffee.
- What about almonds? - Yes.
- Brazil nuts? - Yes.
As I say, allergic to all nuts.
- Coconuts?
- Yes, I'm allergic to them, too.
Actually I think that plate might be setting off some of my allergies.
It's probably best if you get it away from me.
- Oh, this is beautiful!
Makes me really believe in myself.
Colin. - I know.
- Oh, "I'll really miss you, love, Daniel".
(laughs) I'll miss you, too.
- Your brother's amazing.
- Did you know he even put £250
of his own money into that charity?
- I donated a signed photo but I don't bang on about it.
Honestly, why's everyone obsessed with Phil?
- I think it's because he's like a much, much, much better version of you.
- I'm the fun, smart one!
- But he's a doctor; money, success.
- Yeah, you see it a lot with brothers.
One successful, the other living in his shadow.
Noel and Liam. - The Chuckle Brothers.
- Gary and Phil Neville.
- I am not Phil Neville!
- You know, its a scientific fact that with twins,
when they're in the womb, one of them literally
eats the success out of the other one.
- We're not twins!
Look, I'm better than my brother.
- Yeah, but he doesn't have to come to work dressed as a giant willy.
- I'm a pill.
I'm not going to engage in this.
I've got more dignity.
- Let's go and find Phil.
- Those poor little kids, so ill!
One of them doesn't even have a face!
All he wants in money for a pen
to draw a smile on his little head
so everyone can see how happy he is.
- Here, take this.
- Give me 10 raffle tickets, please!
- I know he's a bit of a wally
but look at the divs you've been out with before.
- Less talking and more pedalling, please.
I'm already at Garston, you've not even left Warrington yet.
- Neville will never cheat on you because no one else would have him.
He'll always take care of you because he's got nothing else!
You can make him into the man you want
because he's totally spineless, he's perfect!
- He had his chance and he blew it, end of.
- What's Neville like in bed?
- Quick, and loud.
- Alright? - Yeah.
- Look, how do you fancy,
I've got a spare five minutes; me, you, loading bay,
and you can play with my sack.
- Yeah, I'm well up for that.
Bring your chequebook, I'm feeling well dirty.
- Brian? - I'm up here, Margaret.
- Oh, oh, don't jump! - Why not?
Not as if anyone here would care.
They're all too busy worshipping Mr. Perfect.
- Who's Mr. Perfect?
- My brother. - Oh!
Are you Brian Perfect?
What a funny name. - No.
- Why don't you come back to the pharmacy?
- I used to think that that pharmacy would bring me respect round here,
but as soon as a proper doctor turn up they all respect him.
- Okey-dokey.
- Let me tell you a story, Margaret.
A story about two boys, Brian and Phillip.
One Christmas Day, Phillip gets a brand new doctor playset.
Little Brian gets nothing.
- Well, thank you so much for giving so generously.
I am now happy to be able to hand over
a check for £2,150.
- Thank you, Gavin. - Thank you, thank you.
(crowd clapping)
Sadly, we didn't quite make last year's total, but--
- There you are, swear jar, 260 quid.
- Hold that, we have now just beaten last year's total,
so well done, team Valco!
(crowd cheering and clapping)
And especially you there, Lisa.
Who would have thought that foul mouth of yours
could be used for something so rewarding.
But now, the moment you've all been waiting for.
In this bowl are over 500 raffle tickets,
and one of you could become the lucky winner
of a brand new car!
(crowd exclaiming excitedly)
Fingers crossed.
It's like the FA Cup draw, isn't it.
32, Wolverhampton Wanderers will play--
- Oh, for goodness sake, get on with it!
- Yeah, sorry.
And the winner is...
You'll be in heaven; it's green 107.
(people sighing in disappointment)
- Oh, can I just check that, sonny?
Oh, never mind, not a winner.
- Anybody?
- I think I've got it, what a surprise!
- We have a winner, ladies and gentlemen!
(crowd cheering)
- Where have you been?
- Oh, I was just sorting my time sheet,
making sure I'm down for Monday.
- You're not in on Monday.
- Yeah, I am, I've decided to stay!
- What?
- Yeah, I just got off the phone with my dad.
I was like, dad, I don't want to run the company.
I want to stay in Warrington, and then I was like,
dad, I've also lost my moped, I don't know where it is.
- How did he take it?
- Badly, mopeds aren't expensive,
Daniel, but they're not cheap.
Yeah, but he was mainly angry with Gavin.
- That's brilliant!
- Yeah, I know, yay, I'm staying!
(briefly kissing)
- Oh, I'm sorry, that was
unprofessional - Nice.
Oh, no, I mean--
- But nice, really nice.
- Whatever.
- I should go.
- Do you, oh, you need to get back to work.
- Where's Brian?
- Oh, he's in a terrible sulk.
He's got a bee in his bonnet,
he thinks nobody here respects him as a proper doctor.
- Well, he's not a proper doctor, is he?
- No, but that's not really the point.
If only there was some way he could prove himself.
- I don't suppose you've got anything for a broken heart back there?
- Got some Fisherman's Friends.
- Nah, I don't think that'll cut it.
- Um, I know what would cheer you up, Neville.
A chocolate! - Oh, thank you, Margaret.
Peanuts?
(choking)
- Oh no, Neville is hurt, who will save him?
Helo, help!
- What's happened?
- I don't know, one minute he were fine, the next he went all funny.
- [Linda] Neville?
Neville!
Gavin, do something!
- Ow, my legs are still very tender.
- Brian will know what to do;
where are you, Doctor Brian?
- Did somebody call for me?
- Brian, help, Neville's gone all twitchy.
(Neville spluttering)
- I heard there was an emergency.
- Oh, thank goodness.
- Right, looks like anaphylactic shock.
He's going to need--
- An EpiPen, I know, and I know where they're kept.
Do you know why, Phillip?
Because I am a pharmacist, yes,
I may not be a fancy doctor, I may not work in a hospital,
but I'm a man, a man-- - He's dying, Brian.
- Oh, yeah.
(spluttering stops)
He's gonna be alright.
(people clapping)
- I love you, Neville, I don't care who knows it.
I love Neville!
I do, Sue, I love him.
(car horn honking)
- Gavin, look!
I love my new car, thank you for fixing the raffle.
- I didn't!
- I'm still not gonna sleep with you, though,
so you can get all those mucky thoughts right out of your head.
- That was amazing!
- Yeah, you were like an actual superhero.
- Just doing my job, saving lives.
- I love it, Colin, yes!
- Oh, nan, you do know you obviously need a licence to drive this.
- Nonsense! (imitating car engine revving)
- So maybe we'll see you guys on Saturday night?
- I don't know, if I do come round
I don't want you to go to pieces like you did earlier.
- Not sure that's quite what happened.
- Don't beat yourself up about it, bye Phil.
- Goodbye, Brian.
(imitating car engine)
- Okay, okay, okay, nan.
Now that's enough, it's been fun. Come on, let's get home.
- Well, hang on! - No.
- Just another minute!
- Nana, home!
- Oh, you were so heroic, Doctor Brian.
- Oh, please, it was nothing.
But yeah, I was amazing.
I still don't know how it happened, though.
Surely Neville must have known that he couldn't eat nuts.
- Let's just say he had a helping hand.
- Margaret, you could have killed him!
- Oh, don't be daft, you can't die from a little peanut.
- Seriously, a lot of people do every year.
- Oh, you are a one, Brian.
- And it was like it was beckoning me,
and I, oh, thank you.
And I said no, I'm not going.
- Do you know what, I take back what I said earlier.
Who cares about doctors, I'm a pharmacist
with a trusty assistant and the respect of my colleagues.
I've got everything I need right here.
(car engine starts)
(people screaming)
- Oh, oh Brian!
(Rose laughing)
(upbeat music)